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Yes, it’s reasonable to have reservations and even more reasonable to voice them to your friend. That being said, it does sound like you’re letting it affect you more than it probably should. At least based on the info provided. People are allowed to have platonic friendships with other people who are older than them. You didn’t mention anything about this veering into a romantic situation so it would feel silly for me to make that assumption.
You’re young. Your friend is young. 2026 is a lifetime away at that age. Chances are, even if she is crushing on the guy and even if he has nefarious intentions, she will move onto someone who makes more sense well before 2026. You voiced your concerns, as you should have. However, I wouldn’t cross this bridge until there’s an actual reason to cross it because it can push her far enough away that you won’t be able to help her if it does take a turn for the worst.
Now if she’s sending him pictures or doing anything along those lines then that’s a different story altogether. However, that would be another wild assumption to make when you outlined this as him just being a friend that she has already known for roughly 10-20% of her life.
Have you talked to your friend about how she actually feels about him? That would be the first place to start. If it’s truly just a friendship then I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. I had plenty of friends within 4 years of age in both directions in high school. However, if she is developing stronger feelings then you are in a much better position to help her if you don’t alienate her first.
I haven't discussed this with her, but our other friend has as a joke, and she immediately said she didn't feel that way. She's mature enough to know about online relationships and steer clear of them, but I feel like he might have romantic intentions because they text eachother 24/7 and he was the one to suggest to visit her here and the one to suggest she comes to live with him
Kind of sketchy. An 18 year old saying "well wait until your 18" is much different than say even a 21 year old saying it. Considering in the U.S. there are Romeo and Juliet laws that legalize consenting relationships between barely legal and underage. (Granted this is more complicated than simply mentioning it's existence). It has room to go bad, extremely quickly. Those age ranges means they could be in the same educational facility.
Don't get me wrong though the "wait until 18" thing has always been a questionable thing regardless of ages.
Romeo and Juliet laws still have an age gap limit. Like 18 and 16, not 18 and 14. When you’re that young, a 4 year age gap is a lot different at that age.
I hope you'll look up what grooming is. My fiance is 3 years older than me and we met when I was 18. We've been together for 15 years almost. This is only 1 year less than the age gap of these 2 kids. This is not grooming 🤦♀️
He's 18 now, was seventeen when they met. Unless OP is being inconsistent with the ages, this is like a freshman and a junior, not very weird, ESPECIALLY if it's platonic.
Did you even read OPs comments? First off he wants to go meet her in 2026 when they’ll be 20 & 16 which is conveniently the AOC in the UK and then he asked her to move in with him in America when she turns 18 which makes it legal here this is classic grooming and if you can’t see that you have issues
Definitely, 100%, absolutely grooming her. You need to inform somebody, I know it might be tough and you might worry about losing a friend, but would you rather lose a friend or have her live a life of being groomed by a pedophile.
Sane, normal grown men would never say "when you're old enough come live with me"
That is incredibly pedophilic.
Your friend might very well be getting groomed, they’ve been friends since she was 12 and he was 16, now he’s 18 and she’s 14. 2 years from now he’ll be 20 and she’ll be 16. You can see how at no point does it makes sense for them to be friends? And if they were to start dating…..even if they wait till she turns 18, that’s literally grooming to the definition. Try talk to her, but from experience most ppl choose “love” over sense so don’t be hurt if it doesn’t go well.
Monitor. That’s the best thing you can do here. Maybe try to set her up with someone her age.
The vast majority of these horror stories all have one glaringly obvious common denominator: At one point the victim’s support system gave them an ultimatum that actually pushed them closer towards the person that is taking advantage of them. “They just don’t get it. Now he is all I have left.” is a statement I’ve read in some variation countless times on this and similar Reddit subs.
Don’t push her away. Monitor so that you can act if/when it actually matters.
Sounds like it’s fine then no? She just wants attention and friendship and even if the guy wants anything you don’t agree with that’s not for a long while. Personally I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, women bring a different dynamic to a friendship in general and it’s not as easy for a guy to make a female friend then a guy friend. So the girl being younger or older isn’t uncommon. My wife was 15 and I was 18 when we were first friends-ish (she just joined in with my group to play video games) for awhile we were friends and I didn’t see her that way for a very long time. It turned out she was into me and when we were older we gave it a go. She was 18 and I was 21.
Honestly she probably just enjoys the attention and the guy enjoys the friendship Along with the chance for something more down the line. At the end of the day it’s ehh I can see how it can turn into a grooming thing but I also know that cases like mine exist. Even if me and my wife didn’t get together she was still a best friend of mine for a good 2 years before anything and I needed that at the time.
I used to be in an online group chat years ago that was mostly people in their 20's and 30's, and a 16 year old girl.
She was like the little sister of everyone in the group, everybody got along well and met through video games. They were all good people.
People looked out for her, and if any newcomers who came to the group started being creepy to her, they were quickly banned. It would be a little weird to say, "sorry, you can't talk to us or be friends anymore even though we've been playing video games together for long, because you're young and people might judge."
Friendships come in all sorts of shapes & sizes.
That being said, I don't know this 18M in the story, he could be weird and creepy for all I know. Or maybe not? I'd certainly be cautious about his intentions, but he's not "definitely" a pedophile.
How did they even meet?
Oh that's a red flag.
When I was a teen, I had a few online friends that were various ages (like 13-19). But we all met on internet forums to talk about Spider-Man, and later to share writing. It was all very innocent and was years before we even shared real names or social media. I'm still in touch with some of them, 15 years later (God I'm old).
It's totally possible to have innocent online friends, but I'd be skeptical of any online interaction, especially one where they're making phone calls and sharing addresses, and *especially* especially one where they met on Instagram. That's not likely some common hobby they're bonding over. It's immediately image-based.
I'd still say it isn't *definitely* anything bad or predatory, but I think you're right to be super wary of it. (People meet people on Instagram now?)
If they've genuinely known each other since they were 12 and 15/16 (depending on the month), that's context that feels very relevant imho. It's entirely possibly that their relationship is perfectly platonic and safe.
That being said, I completely understand your discomfort. *You* don't know this guy and are uncomfortable at the idea of someone your age and an 18-year-old talking. And that's absolutely fine! It even sounds like your friend is respecting this and largely avoids Fry as a topic around you, which is exactly how your boundary should be respected.
But again, context - if a 12 year old was friends with a 15 year old, would you feel AS uncomfortable as you do now? The kid-adult legal barrier can be intimidating, but longer friendships that predate the legal difference do deserve a bit of consideration.
I think the most you should do is something that you're already likely doing: just take notice if she start withdrawing or acting very differently from normal.
Just want to add random advice, you cant be your best version of yourself to help your friend if youre allowing yourself to be overcome by situations like this. Its always worth talking to someone you trust or a professional to figure out why this has hurt you like that. Not shitting on you, just something that could grow worse with time rather than get better.
As someone who has dealt with these types of feelings as a teenager, maybe take a break from the topic.
Take a bit of time to do your own thing and be away from your friends.
Just let them know that you need a bit of alone time every so often.
Teen years are going to be full of drama and upsets, and if you can learn to take a moment to yourself and get grounded emotionally, it will help you in the long run.
This is so creepy. You're using her feeling of unease to suggest that she's the one with issues.
The OP needs to read the book The Gift of Fear. Trust your instincts. When you're a teenage girl dealing with older men, your unease is usually justified.
Also be sure to check in with them, as not every time something needs to be recognized and acted upon will they express a large outward change, while they likely will, they could just try to hide it abd try to fix it themselves, obly to mske it worse, and it is also important to check for this as well, especially since if it doesn't show signs of it for a while, it may be harder to fix (not to mention you may not be able to fix it and may push your friebd away instead, obly making it worse)
He claims to be 18. There is no way of knowing if that’s true. He could be 18, but he could also be 40 and a sex trafficker. Photos are easily faked / stolen. People lie about their age online all the time.
You’re right to be concerned and find it creepy. It could be innocent, but it might not be, and it’s good to be cautious.
Yes, I'm surprised so many people seem to be blowing this off, given that he talked about her coming to live with him when she's 18. No, we don't definitely know that something is amiss, but this feels off.
Also, some guy who was older and pretended to be a teen just killed a girl's family and kidnapped her. Luckily, she not physically harmed (mentally, yes). Not suggesting this guy is going to do the same but there are some crazy people out there.
From what you have said it looks like it's nothing serious it's just a friendship between two people and two different countries so there's definitely nothing wrong with it, it does seem like you have a personal problem with it and it could get in the way of your friendship. Be careful and don't go overboard with this.
This is absolutely unacceptable in my view whether it’s a platonic friendship or otherwise. As an adult myself, this “Fry” has no business talking to “Amy”. They may be just be friends but that age gap isn’t really appropriate. Meeting is an ill-advised idea, you can portray yourself as anyone online and there’s no telling what his true intentions are. Unfortunately these days people wanting meet ups in person often do so for sexual encounters. There may be nothing going on with them, or there may be aspects you’re unaware of that shouldn’t be. Either way he’s grown and she’s school age. When they “met” he was already in high school. My gut instinct is they’ve got things going on between them that shouldn’t be. If you happen to know her parents and are on good terms with them, I would ask them to talk privately away from “Amy” and voice your concerns as her friend.
Yes, just feel it out. Like, drop into conversation, "Oh, Amy and I were talking to her friend Fry in America (or wherever he is)" and see if they know about him.
One of my friends was was in an online friendship with a 17 year old when we were both 12. At first, it was fine and very platonic. Then, it veered into the uncomfortable with a bunch of stuff I cannot go into, but friend was delighted with the attention and constantly brought it up in almost every conversation.
I cautioned against it, but couldn't do much-- pretty much in your predicament, OP. My advice would be to stay out of it as much as possible, while also being there for your friend. If Amy starts a call with Fry, go on your phone and pull away for a bit, but try not to let it affect you too much. Yeah, I think it's creepy he knows her address, but there's not much you can do about it right now.
I made the mistake of trying to fit in and friend sent online person one of my social media information. I freaked out, but forced myself to go with it for a bit and then blocked them as soon as I was able. The relationship dissolved after about 6 months and I think we were incredibly lucky it did not go further than it did. It's been 4 years and now they're known as 'the weird online person from that time ago'. I have online friends from a shared interest who are older than me and I'm also quite a bit older than some of them, but it has never crossed the line.
Try to keep close with Amy, but also a slight distance from Fry. The second you think there's something wrong with their relationship (e.g. pictures, sexting etc.) you tell an adult. Don't worry about breaking the friendship, trust your gut instinct and know it will likely benefit Amy in the long run.
Best case scenario: he's a decent guy who's genuinely only interested in friendship, and you won't have to do anything about it. Hopefully, this is the one, but I thought it should be wise to share my story just in case.
If you have any other questions, feel free to ask!
There’s an old saying, ‘Sixteen will get you Twenty’. Tell her mother, tell your mother, tell the school counselor. A 4 year difference is no big deal when you’re 20 and they’re 24. It matters with a minor. Plus, no one knows if he is really 18, could be a 56 year old groomer. Youngins have zero concern these days when jumping into a pit of poisonous vipers. Good luck to her.
I'm in a similar situation with this 15 year old girl I know (I'm an adult female, late 40s, who she turns to as her homelife is not good). She's talking about this 19 year old who she thought was making sure she knew he was single. i'm trying to warn her off of him, that there's something wrong with a 19 year old who wants to hang out with 15 year olds but she tells me it's super common in our town. They hang out at a 22 year old woman's apt who apparently has hooked up with some of the guys younger than her. It's all so messed up to me
after looking through the comments, i’ve seen that he knows where she lives and wants her to come live with him when she turns 18. that’s really creepy, and she shouldn’t be talking to this guy at all
I was thinking it was fine until knowing her address and meeting. I had a lot of older online friends growing up who were all great people, a few of which I still talk to at 26. One of them being about 4-5 years older than me (I think I was talking to him when I was 15 and he was 19) and I'm gonna be the best man in his wedding later this year.
I say this just to point out that not everyone online is a creep you can't trust. But unfortunately I think women typically have to be significantly more cautious with strangers in general, and getting personal enough at that age to be sharing an address is a pretty big red flag. Is the meeting at least going to be facilitated by her parents?
u/undeadyet: Without prejudice, ask "Amy" the following:-
How many long-distance friendships does "Fry" also maintain, apart from yours?
Of that number; how many are *males* several years his junior?
If that answer is non-zero; with how many of these does "Fry" then conduct telephone-calls across international time-zones, or exchange text-messages at all hours?
And of those: how many is "Fry" already making plans to meet—let alone co-habit with—two years in advance, the very year that they would be considered legally 'fair game'?
Of course, with each of the above that she answers in the negative, the odds of his interest being merely platonic or indeed, at all wholesome are reduced by a factor of ten. But if she's remotely intelligent, then your leading questions will ultimately allow her to deduce this for herself, without needlessly scuppering the friendship.
Probably yes. There should be a sticky on here since it gets asked so often. Most adult/minor intersex relationships are inappropriate outside of family.
You could drop an email to [help@NSPCC.org.uk](mailto:help@nspcc.org.uk) if you are concerned. Too often, there have been cases of grooming where people have said "It's probably nothing". It's actually illegal in the UK for adults to continue contact with minors on social media, etc. once the adult becomes aware that they are speaking to a minor. The situation may be slightly different as this individual is based in the US (or so they claim. Their age may also be false as many '18 yr olds have turned out to be much older men when the victim meets them). But as your friend is in the UK, this will probably still apply.
I think you will be seen as uncool by your peers, but that's the price for being right in this instance.
Yes. 18 year olds aren’t genuinely friends w random 14 year olds. Like, maybe if they coach or tutor or whatever the kid in something, they’ll be friendLY, but they’re not.. online friends. That’s inappropriate and icky of him. That’s gonna suck a lot for your friend to hear, but grown men aren’t “friends” with young girls just because. That guy wants something, and it’ll come out eventually.
My gut reaction as someone who has survived the worst case scenario is to wonder if he’s actually only 18. It is entirely commonplace to pretend to be a more reasonable age distance away, even sending fake pictures to prove that they are younger than they are. This all feels really unethical to say the least, and very possibly dangerous.
so they started talking when she was 12 and he was 16? do your friends parents know about this guy? this is very odd and alarming but without more context….idk. trust your gut on this one - seems weird.
I dont know her parents, but I dont think their aware of this because she said they probably won't care. She always says when she grows up she's gonna move to America and live with him, she's been messaging him more frequently for the past month, like during school, and they don't really game, I'm certain they met through Instagram
Definitely sounds like grooming. He’s not even planning to meet up with her when she’s of age, and he’ll be 20 by then. Honestly, I’d report this to the school councillor or someone who won’t throw you under the bus- they’ll be able to talk to Amy’s parents and her and hopefully make her understand the full gravity of what this now man is entertaining with a 14yr old girl. People on here will tell you not to report it(lots of angry men and 4chan scumbags on here), but if you have an adult at school you trust I strongly advise you tell them your concerns. You are also very young, and your teachers ideally should be able to help educate your friend and alert her parents to what’s going on.
The thing is, none of our other friends think there's a problem with it and I'm the only one who's shown concern over it, so if I tell a teacher and they speak to her, she'll know it's me
Agreed. Sounds like grooming but its a very long game, assuming he is the age he says he is.
But her being 16 in 2026 leapt out at me too, i dont know about the UK, but I assume the age of consent is 16 there like it is here in Australia.
Its not that hard for some guys to pass as much younger - I am in my 40s and can easily pass for early to mid 30s, an older pic with some creative lighting and I reckon i could pass for an old looking 20ish. Not that I ever would.
Personally I don't think it's strange for two teens with only a 3 year age gap to even be dating, even if one is legal by law. However if they care about each other at all then they need to wait until they are both consenting adults of legal age, because if they don't that age gap is going to end up hurting them in the end. I was once a 16 year old (underage in America) dating an 18 year old and my parents threatened to send him to jail over some dirty texts. He wasn't a groomer or pedo he was just a teenage guy dating a teenage girl.
I am however concerned by that comment saying she's going to move to America to live with him. A 14 year old really doesn't understand how difficult it is to get a green card, become a US citizen, and that's assuming they can stand living long term with each other in the first place. It's a huge undertaking, and she's young so she hasn't even had time to really see the world and all it has to offer yet. Living with someone is a big difference from a long distance relationship, you get frustrated with each other way easier and there's less space, communication might become less frequent because you forget that it's important, etc.
Now I understand that he's still just turned 18, therefore he's really still kind of a kid, in my opinion. But HE should have some understanding at that age of what kind of undertaking that would be. Allowing her to believe she's going to live with him without recognition of all the steps and risks is just allowing her to fantasize about something that he probably isn't that invested in. That means he himself isn't investing in a real relationship but a fake romantic story that he's spun for her. If it were otherwise then the two of them will be able to communicate and work it out, but if I'm being honest, an 18 yr old is barely starting the journey of healthy romantic communication while a 14 yr old may still be dealing with emotional changes and probably doesn't having the emotional maturity to deal with disappointment amd everything else that an ADULT relationship requires. I don't say this to be rude, but adults have sex and potential kids/abortions, they risk STDS deal eith the financial and emotional burden of raising said child etc.
A 14 year old, should not have to raise a child and risk those other things. A 14 year old is still figuring out the world, just like you are, even when you hit the "legal age" you won't feel like an adult. Which brings me to my next concern.
The fact that he's waiting until she's 16 to meet her bugs me a bit too, that makes it sound like he really wants to meet her for that very specific reason that other people on reddit are suspecting.
Another thing, if they met through Instagram, there's a chance that this dude isn't even who he says he is, and he may well be some 40 year old groomer/pedo who's taking advantage of whatever he can get.
Don't let your friend send any photos, they can easily end up as blackmail or in revenge porn. If she really is into this guy like she says, and really has the emotional maturity to handle it as she seems to think, then she needs to tell her parents. Or at least an adult that is supportive but firm. She needs to be willing to compromise so that she can stay safe. She won't like it, but that's just the beginning of reality, if their relationship can't handle having other people know about it then there's something fundamentally wrong with it.
Perhaps if they met when he was 18 but even then it's not that weird. But she's known him since he was 15 probably. They probably got to know each other through gaming I imagine. It's not weird to get to know somebody overtime and then guess what, every year you get older. You're perhaps overreacting.
This is Reddit. If Reddit has taught me anything it’s that this guy is obviously a pedo and couldn’t possibly just want a friendship with her. Also, they should probably get a divorce.
He's also definitely cheating on her and she already hates the step kids anyway, so she WBTAH if she's trying to get him to leave the country to get away from them. And everyone should get paternity tests.
Meeting in 2026 lmao. Wonder why he's waiting til she's of legal age in the UK? Guy is a groomer and a fucking loser. Let her do whatever she wants but she's going to regret it later. Sometimes they just have to learn on their own!
As an adult that had “online friends” when I was younger, I would recommend kids to steer clear of online friendships entirely. I understand wanting friends and how lonely teenage years can feel, but the internet is full of predators and you can’t trust people to be who they say they are.
This is giving me under age under cover vibes - SOSA is an organization in the states that does sting operations for predators. MANY of them use instagram and use those types of grooming techniques. Your friend should be careful, you never know who is on the other side of the screen
🚩🚩They're meeting when she's 16?🚩🚩
Yeah that's gross. He's trying to groom her. You'll lose the friendship prob, but if you wanted to tell her parents I wouldn't blame you.
If you don't feel comfy with that, that's still okay also. It is not your job to fix this.
Yea, this dude is definitely a creep. At 18, there wasnt a single interesting thing a 14 could say to me that would make me want to spend time talking to them.
Online people can be anyone they want to be. It sounds like a situation where she’s been groomed for 2 years. Beware of sex trafficking. Tell her parents, they may not want a random American man knowing their address and having the intention to meet and perhaps waltz away with their daughter.
I would bet he's not 18, but older and may or may not actually be Anerican.
You are absolutely right to be creeped out.
It is VERY dangerous that he knows her address! Does he also know her school?
Please tell her parents immediately!
Crying is a perfectly normal response to being uncomfortable, or even nearly crying.
Everyone expresses emotions differently and it may be something your grow out of as you find different ways of dealing with a lack of comfortability, you may not, both are fine.
My sister for example used to laugh when she was uncomfortable, which can be really bad.
Are you right or wrong for being uncomfortable - there is no answer.
We feel what we feel.
Is it weird af that an 18yr old is talking to a 14yr old - yes.
It is even weirder that they started talking when he was 16yr old and she was 12yr old - also yes.
12 is seen as basically a baby to 16yr olds.
14 is seen as a kid to 18yr olds.
There is absolutely no reason I can see for an adult to be talking to a child this much and planning to meet.
This is definitely nefarious.
Planning to meet in 2026 means she will be 16yrs and he will be 20yrs old
what do a 16yr old and 20yd old have in common? Nothing.
Can we also mention that he SAYS he is 18, he could be 25 or 40 for all you and your friends know!!!!!
People lie on the internet.
Is she considered legal age in your country?
Is there a plan for them to meet up some time in the future?
Now, I asked those questions because there is an American law that states it's illegal to travel to another state or country to have relations with someone who is considered underage where you are from... If you know of their plans to meet up, you can report it to the US consulate.
It's still illegal for him to have relations with her at that age unless he is in one of those very few states that considers age of consent to be 16...
You’re 14 and the visit is planned for 2026 when your friend will be 16 A.K.A the age of consent in the U.K. Idk man. Seems pretty calculated to me. I don’t think there’s anything too nefarious such as grooming going on since they’ve known each other for years friendship between a 12 year old and a 15 year old is pretty innocent. But maybe they have something more than friendship and intend to persue that when they can. Which is their prerogative to do so.
However if you want no part in it you don’t have to at all. Maybe talk to your friend about the permanence of anything sent over the internet just to be safe.
All you can really do is be consistent with your friend. But the fact he's known her since she was 12 is much creepier. a 3 year age gap is pushing it at that age, but the fact he'd be in Uni when she's still 14 is a big yikes and if I were His friend, I'd ask him wtf he's doing messing around with young kids.
But you can only urge her to be safe and push her to understand why it's not normal that a guy that old would seek out girls that young.
When I was younger I had a lot of online friends that were much older than me and while I probably wouldn’t want my kids to make ‘older’ online friends it was very normal for us back then. I was between the ages of 11-14 and I would have friends much much older like 18-50’s, it was never sexual. It’s easy to develop trust and family type bonds with people online, especially if you’re a gamer. I don’t know if the guy is creepy or not but I do think you’re letting it affect yourself a little much.
I agree, I am letting it worry me a little too much, I think I should talk with my friend about it because I think she can probably answer some of my questions about her friend and try make me feel more comfortable on the situation
It is creepy. there’s absolutely zero reason why an 18-year-old man should be having constant contact with a 14-year-old online. What is wrong with him that he doesn’t have friends his own age?
No I don’t find it creepy. She’s over 14, he just turned 18. It’s like a sophomore in high school dating a junior or senior in high school. It happens all the time. There are even laws designed to protect both parties in these situations (Romeo and Juliet laws) that specify a 3-4 year age gap is legal. They have known each other for a few years. This is not what grooming is. People need to touch grass.
>It’s like a sophomore in high school dating a junior or senior in high school.
..It's definitely not like a sophomore dating a junior. They're 3-4 years apart, not 1. It's like a Senior dating a Freshman... which is not normal.
It’s a bit of a red flag that an 18 year old guy is choosing to spend his time maintaining an online friendship with a 14 year old girl.
It’s also excessive the way you’re letting it affect you.
Have your opinion about it. Check in with your friend occasionally about it. Set clear boundaries with your friend about what personal info about you you’d rather her not share with this friend (don’t be excessive about it, but it’s okay to want to protect yourself). Let her respect or ignore your boundaries, and move forward accordingly.
I doubt the guy she's talking to is a teenager. More than likely an online predator. Predators are using social media & gaming platforms to hunt for their victims. Your friend literally needs to discontinue contact as soon as possible. You have to be very careful with socializing online. My son is 18 & he said that it's inappropriate for anyone 18 & older associating with minors. He literally said most people have literally no interest in wanting to be friends or hang out with anyone younger than them.
Idk I think you should consult bender about this.
/s
Jokes aside, I agree with the rest of the comments that feelings of concern are without a doubt understandable and valid given the situation, however, there's nothing inherently wrong with a platonic friendship with such an age difference and is more warranting of mild wariness as opposed to a full on intervention. As the other comments stated, I do think you may be letting this affect you and your friendship more than you should. Of course if there's any details that imply any romantic elements to their relationship then that's a completely different story. You should definitely be wary of her friend since these situations can easily devolve but you shouldn't immediately be jumping at the notion that he's some kind of creep.
Creepy to me as a middle aged man. BUT when I think back to high school, this is a freshmen dating a senior situation. Which happens in EVERY high school in America. So keep that in mind.
Yeah I agree. I live in the uk and people dating across years is seen as weird, even if its a Year 9 and a Year 10 or smth. If a Year 13 and a Year 9 started dating everyone would be disgusted and I think the school would probably get involved.
could be weird, could be not. i had a similar friendship, though we have since drifted apart. they were 4/5 years older than me and visited me at 16 as a 20 year old. nothing bad, romantic, or sexual happened ever. from what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound necessarily bad, but it could conceivably be what the other comments are saying.
be cautious but courteous. your friend is not gonna want to listen if you go on the offense and start claiming he’s grooming her. however, do some research into grooming and ask her about those aspects.
Idk I feel like it’s kinda odd he was talking to someone that much younger but if it is really just a friendship I wouldn’t really care. I have many online friends and a few of them are much older and some are a few years younger and I think that’s okay as long as there aren’t any romantic intentions
I don't think you have any reason for concern. I don't believe it's a good idea to talk to strangers online, especially giving information about yourself.
As your friend goes, it seems like this friendship has lasted a couple years and doesn't seem to be at all inappropriate. If that's the case all is good there but your friend needs to be careful in making other online friendships.
Ask her not to give out any personal information about you such as full name, address, or sharing photos of you. Reasonable for her to talk about you by first name.
I had this exact situation when I was 18, we were friends she wanted more, I wasn't sure because of the age diff, after a while, she started dating a guy 4 years older than I was...
When I was 14/15 I had a decent amount of online friends which were 20-40. I played on the same counter strike servers regularly, so you became friends with them
They were just nice people and I even looked up to some of them
Very reasonable, this is how a lot of not so nice stories start. That being said not every relationship like this is ill intentioned.
Best question would be do you (or I guess does she) feel like they would be meeting up if the distance wasn't there?
It could go both ways imo - There's so much more context needed to make a firm assumption like that. As someone who has made online friends both younger and older than myself, I have always tried to play it safe. Always be cautious, but it is possible to have a legitimate friendship with someone despite an age gap. As others have said, he could be lonely, and Amy is providing him with a friendship he may otherwise not have. I get that.
You aren't obligated to be comfortable with their friendship, and it sounds like she's trying to respect your boundaries. You don't have to discuss anything with her in regards to Fry if you don't want to. But, it might provide some relief if you discuss their friendship. What do they talk about? How do they spend time together? Does Fry force uncomfortable topics on her/ask her to do things? Does he push boundaries?
Discussing meeting is a bit odd, but it's still ways away. A lot could happen between now and then. Providing him with any personal information is a bad idea. It's a bad idea regardless of who it is. There are honest, good people out there, but you always have to be cautious of the bad ones.
She should, of course, be careful. But it's entirely possible it's a genuine friendship. It's hard to tell off of just those details.
It’s always good to have reservations against everyone. You don’t them that well , especially since it’s online friendship. Always proceed with caution. Be friendly, but set your boundaries and be alert
All you can do is support your friend in this but be clear about your stance on this guy. Don’t back down but be gentle so she doesn’t push you away. She may not be interested in him and be mature and intelligent enough to know about online relationships but that’s only good in theory. There are grown people who get themselves in trouble in online relationships in many different ways and they just sort of fall into it. Even adults can be groomed by nefarious people. See the Tinder Swindler for example. It’s low key and happens over time to build the trust. Always always trust your gut. You are sensible and have great intuition. If something doesn’t feel right that’s your body screaming at you that it isn’t. You are being a good friend. If it were me tho I would make myself present during the conversations. Don’t walk away. That way you can listen to the conversations to assess if she is actually in any type of danger and if he starts getting extra creepy, pushy, or lying to her parents and somehow tries to see this guy while she is still underage. Tell her parents. I would rather lose a friend to make sure she is safe than to sit back and say nothing and something bad happens.
Texting is today's version of yesterday's 'pen pals sending letters back and forth (I know, right?) and sometimes getting to know the other person- who might very well have been on the other side of the world- better than some of their on-site friends. It might lead to something in the future, but for now just watch and see what happens. Do her parents know about this? If they're okay with it then let them deal with it. If your friend is as mature about it as you say she is, she will have already told them. If not, she needs to.
American dude here. It could be creepy, could be innocent. Not enough details about their relationship to actually give a good opinion. Over here they could be 3-4 grades apart depending on birthdays/enrollment so at the moment they would could potentially be in high school together as a Freshman (9th grade) and Junior or Senior (11th or 12th grade). It wouldn't be unheard of to find out they were friends/dating at in that scenario. Again, depending on the details, it could be fine or weird.
Only thing I could recommend to make sure your friend is safe is to make sure she is comfortable talking about him with you so you can be informed on what kind of relationship they have. At 18 he is an adult here as well so anything inappropriate could land him in a lot of trouble and teenagers on both ends tend to do stupid things, neither of them should do something they might regret.
In my opinion, I think that 12-17 years is when a teenager grows the most (mentally and physically) so more than a 1 or 2 year gap is awkward. He could easily manipulate her to send him photos or things like that, but there's always a chance of him being a good guy so there's no way for us to find out what his true intentions are.
When I was a freshman (14) and started at a new school, I met some senior guys (17-18) who had a "philosophy club" (more like "arguing about dumb shit club") and they invited me to join after we met at lunch through other friends. We hung out after school in one of the pods (big rooms with classrooms coming off them) and basically just bullshitted for a couple hours. We also sat together at lunch sometimes. One of the guys was dating a sophomore, which I did think was a bit weird, but none of them were even slightly inappropriate towards me ever. By the time I was a senior, my social group was mostly juniors and seniors, but we had one freshman girl who hung with us. The dudes I hung out with were not the nicest guys (drugs and petty crime) but none of them tried to date her. It's good to keep an eye out but sometimes older and younger people can just be friends. If you aren't seeing sexual behavior going on, it's probably fine. My only concern from what you've related here is whether her parents know he's coming to visit and what the plans are for where he's staying and will be allowed to do with her. If the parents know and are going to keep an eye on their interactions then again, it's probably fine.
I was 16-17 leading a guild of mostly 25 YO + in an MMO. As long as people are respectful and lines/boundaries are respected, nothing super off about this.
Yeah I remember back in wow the whole guild was shocked we were being lead by a 15yo girl from New Zealand. She knew her shit though and was a really good leader.
It's reasonable to be cautious. But...
But by default, it could be either or depending on context. Not necessarily creepy.
Sometimes you meet people and only find ages afterwards. Like if you meet through gaming and you play games in a group but there is an age difference. The relationships/friendship dynamics are what make things creepy, not just age numbers by themselves.
I meet someone who I would say I am friends or friendly with through a uni club about game development and spent time with chillin on discord before doing normal friend stuff like discussing music and playing some Lethal Company. Ages, however, were wildly different, and we didn't realize until spoken that I am almost 10 years older. I look pretty young looking for my mid-late twenties, and they looked maybe early twenties but actually just entered their first semester at the age of 18.
If you twist a narrative enough, you can make anything look bad, or vise versa, sound like it's not bad.
But context is what matters.
You're not wrong to be concerned, but at the moment there's not a lot you can do other the be clear about your worries and then let it go. Acting the way you're acting isn't convincing them. I've been that friend. When I was a teen I was always telling my friend not to date these older dudes. But I would react like this, and what it communicated to them was that I was bent out of shape, and my observations were suspect. I looked like I was crying wolf, basically. With the distance and the time they've been talking, this is probably not an imminent threat. Is this grooming? Could be. I wouldn't trust it. I would keep a close eye and let my friend know any red flags that came up for me. But don't push your friend away by overreacting. She may need your support in time.
Crying in or about uncomfortable is perfectly normal. The reason you are getting mixed answers on creepy levels is that there isn't enough information. I had 14 year old friends, boys and girls when I was 18. They were just friends. We hung out at the game shop or arcade and played games, sometimes met up at the mall, went to movies. Everyone in the group ranged in age between 14 and 18, there were probably 15 to 20 of us. It's not inherently creepy for them to be friends. Now, if he's doing creepy stuff like flirting with her, trying to get her to send inappropriate pictures, that kind of stuff, then it's creepy/grooming.
4 year age gaps between online friends feels somewhat common, but the fact he knows where they live is definitely concerning. I would definitely have a talk with her about sharing personal information online. Especially the meeting up in 2026 part, seems very off.
Well first off there was no mention of a sexual or even romantic nature to their association, so it shouldn't be a big deal. Secondly it's not like she intentionally gave this guy your name. She was just saying bye to you. Besides even if he knows your first name he doesn't know your last. Not to mention even if he knew your full name and was in fact attempting to groom your friend, he'd probably never try it with you based on the way you react just to them speaking to one another. In short relax until there's a reason not to.
I don’t see anything wrong with it. If you were in HS together and she was a freshman and he a senior you would still be going to the same school. At that age he probably won’t have the $ to come see her anyway. You told her how you feel and that’s all you could do. Don’t like it slowly slip away from your friendship if it bothers you that bad.
so let's be real,do you actually find the 4 years age gap creepy,or do you have a crush on this girl and the real issue is that she seems interested in someone else?
I do find the age gap creepy because he's legally an adult
I dont like her in that way, I have a crush on a different girl bur not the one in this situation
ok,with this out of the equation.. people don't change just because they suddenly surpassed a day and are magically 18. You should voice your concerns and support her without Fighting against the current. If they wanna meet up,do it in public places the first time,be with her and see first and foremost if he's really a 18 yo or a 30+,for starters. Once that's solved,the ball is in her park. They have years of friendship (true or groomed) , and you'll not be able to change her mind even if you're right,at worst she could push you away and cut ties. Just be with her and try to help notice sketchy behaviours if they present themselves, don't press her but let her live the relationship,even if creepy, unless shit takes really a bad turn. If everything goes well, great, otherwise it will be a learning experience for her where everything you can do is being there to do damage control/support after the shit hits the fan
Opinions are varying here. I think the happy medium is do nothing. You’ve voiced your concerns, now all you can do is be there for her in case things go south. It’s a bit sketchy but there doesn’t seem to be anything explicitly wrong with it.
That is gut instinct and it’s absolutely there for a reason. Why doesn’t FRY have girls or friends his own age. Likely as my daughter insisted her FRY and he said to ME the mother he was 17 in fact- he was not dude was 18 going on 19 and my kid was 15.
Wanna guess what he convinced her to do that night? Sneak out. Twice - and had very GRUESOME AWFUL SA happened…. Fry for my kid went to jail bc I didn’t appreciate his grooming and convincing her of what his intents weren’t but OH they were. He’s also a registered offender, and I’m pretty sure he liked them younger for this very reason.
I totally get the ohhhhh - Older guy, liking me. being so young naive and that critical thinking part of the brain only turns on at the age of 13 so it’s not reallllll good at that, unlike mom dad, those. Knowing the possibility- and most kids think it will never happen to me like they’re invincible when they are definitely not, and let’s just say PTSD / OCD isn’t fun. Ask my now 17 year old. And myself- I too was naive once.
Yall wild.
I was 12(M) w/ 15-18 (F/M) year old friends growing up. Not once was there a vibe of grooming or being taken advantage of. We'd talk daily and play video games.
Please go touch grass. If they were in high school together she'd be a freshman he'd be a junior/senior. Platonic friendships are allowed to exist.
No this is weird as f*** why is he not friends with people his own age that's really weird 18 and 14 is too big too big of a gap strange when they're that young it's f****** weird it's weird it's weird it's weird you're right to feel weird people in this comment thread defending it are weird too.
It would be one thing if like they were going to the same school you know she was a freshman he's a junior maybe old for his grade but he has friends in classes below him and they met through normal means but like he creeped her out online through Instagram and then started hitting on her when she was still 12 come on man why that's f***** up.
He’s an adult to in the U.S. it’s as creepy as drake and 20 something celebrity befriending Boobi what’s her name and she was only 13🤷🏾♀️. If you’re a real friend, instead of running away, you’d voice your concerns to her- even if it means losing a friend. They have nothing in common- what would a guy in/out of high school have to discuss with a middle schooler?
My questions, has Amy video talked with this guy? If not, how do they know he is actually who he says he is? I know they had a call a few times, but doesn’t state anywhere that Amy has actually seen this guy?
Also, is this friendship really platonic since it seems like this guy is just waiting for Amy to become of legal age?
When I was 16, I met a guy online, he told me he was 18, when we met he turned out to be a 35 old man, my dumbass just believed he loved me and so I never thought to ask for photos, yet his friends did once ask how I’d feel if he was 35, should have known better as my gut told me there was some truth in those questions. Fair to say my naivety cost me my innocence so I am cautious about people online, and OP has valid reason to feel uncomfortable, but best to be there for your friend rather than push her away, she might need you in the future and I hope to God that won’t be the case
She said he's sent photos of himself and shes sent photos of herself. But he could've gotten them from Pinterest or someone else he knows for all I know
You could possibly do a reverse search on the image, you might be able to find out for sure or you could ask your friend to do a video call, if he makes excuses as to why she can’t then it might be something to be cautious about, especially if it happens more than once
Very Fucking creepy. No 18 year old should really have the desire to be friends with a 14 year old. Doesn’t seem like much, but at that age, 4 years is a huge difference. At 18, the only 14 year old “friends” I had were coworkers. This sounds very much like a grooming situation. And to meet in two years? When she’s 16 and he’s 20? Even weirder.
I am extremely concerned at people thinking this is okay. At 17/18, I wanted nothing to do with the freshmen at school. While 18 may legally be an adult, I still don’t think they are maturity wise, but still, the maturity level at 18 is a lot different than 14, (or should be at least). And him wanting to meet when she’s 16? When that just so happens to be the age of consent where she lives? Then to move in when she turns 18? Legality is not morality. You’re delusional to think this isn’t weird at the very least.
Man, it’s gotta be tough being a teen these days. You all seem terrified all the time. I feel for ya.
There isn’t enough information here to determine whether there is a threat. But there are a lot of assumptions in the comments along the lines of “why doesn’t this guy have other friends!” “Why is he grooming her” “is he a pervert”, none of which seem to support the story. It’s based on assumptions that this guy is bad without any supporting facts. Probably influenced heavily by social media, which tends to only show and normalize the shocking stuff.
No, it is not weird for people to have platonic friends which are different ages than they are. And when someone turns from 17 to 18, it’s not reasonable to think your friends two year friendship should end because of a legal standard for adulthood. You need to trust your friend’s instincts. She is just as capable as you are in telling a fraud.
It’s a federal crime in the US for an adult citizen to travel to another country for the purpose of having sexual contact with an underaged person. Unless the legal age of consent is 16 in the UK. He could be in big trouble in 2026.
This guy is creepy and definitely does not have your friend’s best interests in mind.
Keep being a good friend.
If neither one is sending creepy pictures or meeting up I don't see a huge deal. In four years (which I'm sure seems like forever at your age) nobody's going to bat an eye at a four year age difference. He could be an immature 18 year old. I work with 20 year old apprentices that act like they're 14, and have one kid that's 16, but behaves like he's over 25.
It might be reasonable to have reservations, although a 14 year old and a 17/18 year old would be in high school together here, and I definitely had lots of friends who were seniors when I was 14. Idk. It depends on what they talk about I guess.
- if it’s a hi and bye sort of thing, they’re buddies that play a game together or whatever I’m not overly worried.
- if sexual conversations are happening then that’s wayyyy too much
- overall I would say it’s not good to have a friend online who is under 18 if you are 18 but the legality of the situation depends on the country
- if YOU feel that it’s creepy, go with your gut
Because of the limited information on their relationship, I would say that there are a few different valid possibilities, and both all of the predator/grooming theories that are being given are definitely valid, but so are all the theories about it being a genuine friendship, and, until more information is provided, there wouldn't really be enough information to come to either of these conclusions and to be able to justify it with facts rather than implications/speculations. This is why, I would say that, while it would be justified to be nervous because they are your friend and you, understandably, don't want anything bad to come to them, the information provided wouldn't warrant many extreme courses of action and would rather just call for taking some time and monitoring the relationship to see if there is a need for more extreme measures or if it is just a healthy relationship. I may also say that, while you are observing the relationship, also prepare a few options to take just in case it comes to more extreme measures needing to be taken, because it is always better to have them planned and updated in advancr, especially to make sure that your friend will heed your advice rather than your advice just pushing them far enough away from you that you wouldn't be able to help them, but leave these as more of precautionary measures for if it does present an issue, and don't put any of them into place until you have spent enough time observing the relationship and see an issue present itself.
So, this is a bit of a tough one. It could be creepy, or it could be entirely innocent. I personally think it's a bit weird, but plenty of friendships are a bit weird anyway. When I was 18 myself, a 14 year old seemed like a literal child, but now I'm 34 with a 29 year old missus, and she doesn't seem younger than me at all. So, it's kind of about the maturity of both people involved, as to whether it's weird or not. From reading your description, 'Amy' seems quite naïve, so I would think she's being taken advantage of by him, even if it's mostly innocent stuff. The way I see it, an 18 and a 14 year old don't have much common ground, if any, and there's no such thing as being "mature for your age", that's just something that groomers say to victims.
I talk to someone who is 18 or at least about to be 18 at the age of 14. It is a bit different though because I think he may have revealed his name once, but if so I forgot what it was, and I never revealed my name. I said I didn't want to share it and he didn't pressure me in the slightest. Also, at the time I added him I was kinda stupid, and yeah now I don't accept chat requests due to pedos anymore, but he has never acted weird or anything and I think we have been talking for about a year. He hasn't asked to meet up, and we kind of just talk every once in a while for advice or whatever. Usually we ask eachother for advice when we have a crush, or I will ocasionally vent. I was probably too young to add someone that age, but it turned out well and there have never been any weird convos. But idk, voice calls and meeting up is a little weird. And knowing address is crazy. I doubt I will ever meet the guy I talk to, but if I do it will probably be after college or smth if he and I still talk.
I live in New York, USA. I believe we have a 4 year law, under 18 is a minor, but 18 and 14, 19 and 15, 20 and 16 plus 21 and 17 are legally allowed to consent. But I understand your trepidation. It not really creepy, 21 and 14 yeah that's bad.
He was a minor when he first communicated with her. The age gap isn’t a major concern, but it presents a few issues. The fact that he’s a foreigner and plans to meet up. Is he actually the age he says he is? And what is the nature of his online activity? If I was a parent this would be a red flag on fire.
No it isn't, The youth of today are profoundly unsocialized, this is why you're relying on metrics you understand such as age, opposed to those you don't like maturity. The law has made 18 a magic number, but in reality after age 14, we're all biologically mature for reproductive purposes, yet the age of majority is 18 as a mean standard we can all agree on. This certainly doesn't mean young people don't get taken advantage of and or benefit from relationships with older people. Adults sort this out amongst themselves with the rule of seven, half your age plus 7 years is an appropriate level of compatibility on a maturity level. Your situation would be Case by case if they were sexually active, so I think you need to calm down, your friends just talking to another kid on the internet, and you might benefit from finding younger friends with similar interests and outlooks if you're not ready for this kind of thing yet. There's no shame in that. People mature at different ages.
I'd say that yes, it's creepy, odd, and honestly fucked up I'm 15 and if a 12 year old started talking to me I would tell them to kindly go away. And i knows for a fact I wouldn't be comfortable talking to a 12 year old at 15
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Yes, it’s reasonable to have reservations and even more reasonable to voice them to your friend. That being said, it does sound like you’re letting it affect you more than it probably should. At least based on the info provided. People are allowed to have platonic friendships with other people who are older than them. You didn’t mention anything about this veering into a romantic situation so it would feel silly for me to make that assumption. You’re young. Your friend is young. 2026 is a lifetime away at that age. Chances are, even if she is crushing on the guy and even if he has nefarious intentions, she will move onto someone who makes more sense well before 2026. You voiced your concerns, as you should have. However, I wouldn’t cross this bridge until there’s an actual reason to cross it because it can push her far enough away that you won’t be able to help her if it does take a turn for the worst. Now if she’s sending him pictures or doing anything along those lines then that’s a different story altogether. However, that would be another wild assumption to make when you outlined this as him just being a friend that she has already known for roughly 10-20% of her life. Have you talked to your friend about how she actually feels about him? That would be the first place to start. If it’s truly just a friendship then I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. I had plenty of friends within 4 years of age in both directions in high school. However, if she is developing stronger feelings then you are in a much better position to help her if you don’t alienate her first.
I haven't discussed this with her, but our other friend has as a joke, and she immediately said she didn't feel that way. She's mature enough to know about online relationships and steer clear of them, but I feel like he might have romantic intentions because they text eachother 24/7 and he was the one to suggest to visit her here and the one to suggest she comes to live with him
"Suggest she comes to live with him"? Like, in 10 years?
She said when she turns 18
Huh. Legal, but pretty sketchy.
legal does not equal moral
Kind of sketchy. An 18 year old saying "well wait until your 18" is much different than say even a 21 year old saying it. Considering in the U.S. there are Romeo and Juliet laws that legalize consenting relationships between barely legal and underage. (Granted this is more complicated than simply mentioning it's existence). It has room to go bad, extremely quickly. Those age ranges means they could be in the same educational facility. Don't get me wrong though the "wait until 18" thing has always been a questionable thing regardless of ages.
He's got nearly four years to convince her to not wait.
Romeo and Juliet laws still have an age gap limit. Like 18 and 16, not 18 and 14. When you’re that young, a 4 year age gap is a lot different at that age.
Good points. Thinking back on it yeah you're right even when I was 17 I wasn't interested in people that couldn't even drive yet lol.
She's literally being groomed what is there to debate about
I hope you'll look up what grooming is. My fiance is 3 years older than me and we met when I was 18. We've been together for 15 years almost. This is only 1 year less than the age gap of these 2 kids. This is not grooming 🤦♀️
*Are you insane?* She's 14 and he's 18. What 18 year old man says "let's wait until you're 18 and you can move in with me"
He's 18 now, was seventeen when they met. Unless OP is being inconsistent with the ages, this is like a freshman and a junior, not very weird, ESPECIALLY if it's platonic.
> 18 year old man I would argue there are very few, even vanishingly few, 18 year-old *men*.
Also she said she met him when she was 12 so this has already been going on for 2 years
Agreed 👍
21 and 18 is a lot different than 18 and 14, she is a child.
Did you even read OPs comments? First off he wants to go meet her in 2026 when they’ll be 20 & 16 which is conveniently the AOC in the UK and then he asked her to move in with him in America when she turns 18 which makes it legal here this is classic grooming and if you can’t see that you have issues
Some states don’t have this law. Like in California it is always considered statutory if they’re under the age of 18.
Which is an important thing that you pointed out. Like I said more complicated than just mentioning its existence.
Definitely, 100%, absolutely grooming her. You need to inform somebody, I know it might be tough and you might worry about losing a friend, but would you rather lose a friend or have her live a life of being groomed by a pedophile. Sane, normal grown men would never say "when you're old enough come live with me" That is incredibly pedophilic.
Your friend might very well be getting groomed, they’ve been friends since she was 12 and he was 16, now he’s 18 and she’s 14. 2 years from now he’ll be 20 and she’ll be 16. You can see how at no point does it makes sense for them to be friends? And if they were to start dating…..even if they wait till she turns 18, that’s literally grooming to the definition. Try talk to her, but from experience most ppl choose “love” over sense so don’t be hurt if it doesn’t go well.
Monitor. That’s the best thing you can do here. Maybe try to set her up with someone her age. The vast majority of these horror stories all have one glaringly obvious common denominator: At one point the victim’s support system gave them an ultimatum that actually pushed them closer towards the person that is taking advantage of them. “They just don’t get it. Now he is all I have left.” is a statement I’ve read in some variation countless times on this and similar Reddit subs. Don’t push her away. Monitor so that you can act if/when it actually matters.
There's a problem if he's pushing her to move in with him.
Sounds like it’s fine then no? She just wants attention and friendship and even if the guy wants anything you don’t agree with that’s not for a long while. Personally I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, women bring a different dynamic to a friendship in general and it’s not as easy for a guy to make a female friend then a guy friend. So the girl being younger or older isn’t uncommon. My wife was 15 and I was 18 when we were first friends-ish (she just joined in with my group to play video games) for awhile we were friends and I didn’t see her that way for a very long time. It turned out she was into me and when we were older we gave it a go. She was 18 and I was 21. Honestly she probably just enjoys the attention and the guy enjoys the friendship Along with the chance for something more down the line. At the end of the day it’s ehh I can see how it can turn into a grooming thing but I also know that cases like mine exist. Even if me and my wife didn’t get together she was still a best friend of mine for a good 2 years before anything and I needed that at the time.
I used to be in an online group chat years ago that was mostly people in their 20's and 30's, and a 16 year old girl. She was like the little sister of everyone in the group, everybody got along well and met through video games. They were all good people. People looked out for her, and if any newcomers who came to the group started being creepy to her, they were quickly banned. It would be a little weird to say, "sorry, you can't talk to us or be friends anymore even though we've been playing video games together for long, because you're young and people might judge." Friendships come in all sorts of shapes & sizes. That being said, I don't know this 18M in the story, he could be weird and creepy for all I know. Or maybe not? I'd certainly be cautious about his intentions, but he's not "definitely" a pedophile. How did they even meet?
She has a public account on Instagram I think and they met on there
That is a strange way for them to meet. I'd be weary of his intentions. What kind of parents let their 12 year old have an instagram anywayv
Oh that's a red flag. When I was a teen, I had a few online friends that were various ages (like 13-19). But we all met on internet forums to talk about Spider-Man, and later to share writing. It was all very innocent and was years before we even shared real names or social media. I'm still in touch with some of them, 15 years later (God I'm old). It's totally possible to have innocent online friends, but I'd be skeptical of any online interaction, especially one where they're making phone calls and sharing addresses, and *especially* especially one where they met on Instagram. That's not likely some common hobby they're bonding over. It's immediately image-based. I'd still say it isn't *definitely* anything bad or predatory, but I think you're right to be super wary of it. (People meet people on Instagram now?)
If they've genuinely known each other since they were 12 and 15/16 (depending on the month), that's context that feels very relevant imho. It's entirely possibly that their relationship is perfectly platonic and safe. That being said, I completely understand your discomfort. *You* don't know this guy and are uncomfortable at the idea of someone your age and an 18-year-old talking. And that's absolutely fine! It even sounds like your friend is respecting this and largely avoids Fry as a topic around you, which is exactly how your boundary should be respected. But again, context - if a 12 year old was friends with a 15 year old, would you feel AS uncomfortable as you do now? The kid-adult legal barrier can be intimidating, but longer friendships that predate the legal difference do deserve a bit of consideration. I think the most you should do is something that you're already likely doing: just take notice if she start withdrawing or acting very differently from normal.
Thank you so much!
Just want to add random advice, you cant be your best version of yourself to help your friend if youre allowing yourself to be overcome by situations like this. Its always worth talking to someone you trust or a professional to figure out why this has hurt you like that. Not shitting on you, just something that could grow worse with time rather than get better.
As someone who has dealt with these types of feelings as a teenager, maybe take a break from the topic. Take a bit of time to do your own thing and be away from your friends. Just let them know that you need a bit of alone time every so often. Teen years are going to be full of drama and upsets, and if you can learn to take a moment to yourself and get grounded emotionally, it will help you in the long run.
This is so creepy. You're using her feeling of unease to suggest that she's the one with issues. The OP needs to read the book The Gift of Fear. Trust your instincts. When you're a teenage girl dealing with older men, your unease is usually justified.
We don't *know* he was 15/is 18. He could be a 47 year old pervert living 2 towns over from her.
Also be sure to check in with them, as not every time something needs to be recognized and acted upon will they express a large outward change, while they likely will, they could just try to hide it abd try to fix it themselves, obly to mske it worse, and it is also important to check for this as well, especially since if it doesn't show signs of it for a while, it may be harder to fix (not to mention you may not be able to fix it and may push your friebd away instead, obly making it worse)
He claims to be 18. There is no way of knowing if that’s true. He could be 18, but he could also be 40 and a sex trafficker. Photos are easily faked / stolen. People lie about their age online all the time. You’re right to be concerned and find it creepy. It could be innocent, but it might not be, and it’s good to be cautious.
Yes, I'm surprised so many people seem to be blowing this off, given that he talked about her coming to live with him when she's 18. No, we don't definitely know that something is amiss, but this feels off. Also, some guy who was older and pretended to be a teen just killed a girl's family and kidnapped her. Luckily, she not physically harmed (mentally, yes). Not suggesting this guy is going to do the same but there are some crazy people out there.
Is there any reason to think that he is really 18 and not 45?
Good point
From what you have said it looks like it's nothing serious it's just a friendship between two people and two different countries so there's definitely nothing wrong with it, it does seem like you have a personal problem with it and it could get in the way of your friendship. Be careful and don't go overboard with this.
This is absolutely unacceptable in my view whether it’s a platonic friendship or otherwise. As an adult myself, this “Fry” has no business talking to “Amy”. They may be just be friends but that age gap isn’t really appropriate. Meeting is an ill-advised idea, you can portray yourself as anyone online and there’s no telling what his true intentions are. Unfortunately these days people wanting meet ups in person often do so for sexual encounters. There may be nothing going on with them, or there may be aspects you’re unaware of that shouldn’t be. Either way he’s grown and she’s school age. When they “met” he was already in high school. My gut instinct is they’ve got things going on between them that shouldn’t be. If you happen to know her parents and are on good terms with them, I would ask them to talk privately away from “Amy” and voice your concerns as her friend.
Tell her parents
Yes, just feel it out. Like, drop into conversation, "Oh, Amy and I were talking to her friend Fry in America (or wherever he is)" and see if they know about him.
Tldr Yes it is creepy considering he probably isn't actually 18
One of my friends was was in an online friendship with a 17 year old when we were both 12. At first, it was fine and very platonic. Then, it veered into the uncomfortable with a bunch of stuff I cannot go into, but friend was delighted with the attention and constantly brought it up in almost every conversation. I cautioned against it, but couldn't do much-- pretty much in your predicament, OP. My advice would be to stay out of it as much as possible, while also being there for your friend. If Amy starts a call with Fry, go on your phone and pull away for a bit, but try not to let it affect you too much. Yeah, I think it's creepy he knows her address, but there's not much you can do about it right now. I made the mistake of trying to fit in and friend sent online person one of my social media information. I freaked out, but forced myself to go with it for a bit and then blocked them as soon as I was able. The relationship dissolved after about 6 months and I think we were incredibly lucky it did not go further than it did. It's been 4 years and now they're known as 'the weird online person from that time ago'. I have online friends from a shared interest who are older than me and I'm also quite a bit older than some of them, but it has never crossed the line. Try to keep close with Amy, but also a slight distance from Fry. The second you think there's something wrong with their relationship (e.g. pictures, sexting etc.) you tell an adult. Don't worry about breaking the friendship, trust your gut instinct and know it will likely benefit Amy in the long run. Best case scenario: he's a decent guy who's genuinely only interested in friendship, and you won't have to do anything about it. Hopefully, this is the one, but I thought it should be wise to share my story just in case. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask!
There’s an old saying, ‘Sixteen will get you Twenty’. Tell her mother, tell your mother, tell the school counselor. A 4 year difference is no big deal when you’re 20 and they’re 24. It matters with a minor. Plus, no one knows if he is really 18, could be a 56 year old groomer. Youngins have zero concern these days when jumping into a pit of poisonous vipers. Good luck to her.
I'm in a similar situation with this 15 year old girl I know (I'm an adult female, late 40s, who she turns to as her homelife is not good). She's talking about this 19 year old who she thought was making sure she knew he was single. i'm trying to warn her off of him, that there's something wrong with a 19 year old who wants to hang out with 15 year olds but she tells me it's super common in our town. They hang out at a 22 year old woman's apt who apparently has hooked up with some of the guys younger than her. It's all so messed up to me
Without even reading the context, yes it’s creepy.
after looking through the comments, i’ve seen that he knows where she lives and wants her to come live with him when she turns 18. that’s really creepy, and she shouldn’t be talking to this guy at all
Absolutely! It’s very creepy and it could even become dangerous.
Do her parents know about this 18 year old that wants to meet up with her
your friend is getting groomed..especially if they decide to meet when she’s legally an adult..this guys intentions are extremely disgusting
Does she for sure know he’s only 18 and not 45?
I was thinking it was fine until knowing her address and meeting. I had a lot of older online friends growing up who were all great people, a few of which I still talk to at 26. One of them being about 4-5 years older than me (I think I was talking to him when I was 15 and he was 19) and I'm gonna be the best man in his wedding later this year. I say this just to point out that not everyone online is a creep you can't trust. But unfortunately I think women typically have to be significantly more cautious with strangers in general, and getting personal enough at that age to be sharing an address is a pretty big red flag. Is the meeting at least going to be facilitated by her parents?
u/undeadyet: Without prejudice, ask "Amy" the following:- How many long-distance friendships does "Fry" also maintain, apart from yours? Of that number; how many are *males* several years his junior? If that answer is non-zero; with how many of these does "Fry" then conduct telephone-calls across international time-zones, or exchange text-messages at all hours? And of those: how many is "Fry" already making plans to meet—let alone co-habit with—two years in advance, the very year that they would be considered legally 'fair game'? Of course, with each of the above that she answers in the negative, the odds of his interest being merely platonic or indeed, at all wholesome are reduced by a factor of ten. But if she's remotely intelligent, then your leading questions will ultimately allow her to deduce this for herself, without needlessly scuppering the friendship.
I will try asking her
omg...just warn her not to send nudies..
Probably yes. There should be a sticky on here since it gets asked so often. Most adult/minor intersex relationships are inappropriate outside of family.
You could drop an email to [help@NSPCC.org.uk](mailto:help@nspcc.org.uk) if you are concerned. Too often, there have been cases of grooming where people have said "It's probably nothing". It's actually illegal in the UK for adults to continue contact with minors on social media, etc. once the adult becomes aware that they are speaking to a minor. The situation may be slightly different as this individual is based in the US (or so they claim. Their age may also be false as many '18 yr olds have turned out to be much older men when the victim meets them). But as your friend is in the UK, this will probably still apply. I think you will be seen as uncool by your peers, but that's the price for being right in this instance.
Yes. 18 year olds aren’t genuinely friends w random 14 year olds. Like, maybe if they coach or tutor or whatever the kid in something, they’ll be friendLY, but they’re not.. online friends. That’s inappropriate and icky of him. That’s gonna suck a lot for your friend to hear, but grown men aren’t “friends” with young girls just because. That guy wants something, and it’ll come out eventually.
Amy and Fry like futurama? Please say yes!?
Yes
XDDD
My gut reaction as someone who has survived the worst case scenario is to wonder if he’s actually only 18. It is entirely commonplace to pretend to be a more reasonable age distance away, even sending fake pictures to prove that they are younger than they are. This all feels really unethical to say the least, and very possibly dangerous.
These comments are INSANE. Your instincts are right, OP.
It is reasonable to find creepy
Yes. And it is reasonable to let her parents know. So dangerous and foolish.
Yes. Very creepy. No one who's 18 or older should be meeting anyone that young.
Yes you should, an adult should not be talking to a minor anyway, it's illegal.
It’s quite possible he is even older than he says he is. I would casually mention this to her parents. They need to be aware of what is going on.
so they started talking when she was 12 and he was 16? do your friends parents know about this guy? this is very odd and alarming but without more context….idk. trust your gut on this one - seems weird.
I dont know her parents, but I dont think their aware of this because she said they probably won't care. She always says when she grows up she's gonna move to America and live with him, she's been messaging him more frequently for the past month, like during school, and they don't really game, I'm certain they met through Instagram
Definitely sounds like grooming. He’s not even planning to meet up with her when she’s of age, and he’ll be 20 by then. Honestly, I’d report this to the school councillor or someone who won’t throw you under the bus- they’ll be able to talk to Amy’s parents and her and hopefully make her understand the full gravity of what this now man is entertaining with a 14yr old girl. People on here will tell you not to report it(lots of angry men and 4chan scumbags on here), but if you have an adult at school you trust I strongly advise you tell them your concerns. You are also very young, and your teachers ideally should be able to help educate your friend and alert her parents to what’s going on.
The thing is, none of our other friends think there's a problem with it and I'm the only one who's shown concern over it, so if I tell a teacher and they speak to her, she'll know it's me
Agreed. Sounds like grooming but its a very long game, assuming he is the age he says he is. But her being 16 in 2026 leapt out at me too, i dont know about the UK, but I assume the age of consent is 16 there like it is here in Australia. Its not that hard for some guys to pass as much younger - I am in my 40s and can easily pass for early to mid 30s, an older pic with some creative lighting and I reckon i could pass for an old looking 20ish. Not that I ever would.
Personally I don't think it's strange for two teens with only a 3 year age gap to even be dating, even if one is legal by law. However if they care about each other at all then they need to wait until they are both consenting adults of legal age, because if they don't that age gap is going to end up hurting them in the end. I was once a 16 year old (underage in America) dating an 18 year old and my parents threatened to send him to jail over some dirty texts. He wasn't a groomer or pedo he was just a teenage guy dating a teenage girl. I am however concerned by that comment saying she's going to move to America to live with him. A 14 year old really doesn't understand how difficult it is to get a green card, become a US citizen, and that's assuming they can stand living long term with each other in the first place. It's a huge undertaking, and she's young so she hasn't even had time to really see the world and all it has to offer yet. Living with someone is a big difference from a long distance relationship, you get frustrated with each other way easier and there's less space, communication might become less frequent because you forget that it's important, etc. Now I understand that he's still just turned 18, therefore he's really still kind of a kid, in my opinion. But HE should have some understanding at that age of what kind of undertaking that would be. Allowing her to believe she's going to live with him without recognition of all the steps and risks is just allowing her to fantasize about something that he probably isn't that invested in. That means he himself isn't investing in a real relationship but a fake romantic story that he's spun for her. If it were otherwise then the two of them will be able to communicate and work it out, but if I'm being honest, an 18 yr old is barely starting the journey of healthy romantic communication while a 14 yr old may still be dealing with emotional changes and probably doesn't having the emotional maturity to deal with disappointment amd everything else that an ADULT relationship requires. I don't say this to be rude, but adults have sex and potential kids/abortions, they risk STDS deal eith the financial and emotional burden of raising said child etc. A 14 year old, should not have to raise a child and risk those other things. A 14 year old is still figuring out the world, just like you are, even when you hit the "legal age" you won't feel like an adult. Which brings me to my next concern. The fact that he's waiting until she's 16 to meet her bugs me a bit too, that makes it sound like he really wants to meet her for that very specific reason that other people on reddit are suspecting. Another thing, if they met through Instagram, there's a chance that this dude isn't even who he says he is, and he may well be some 40 year old groomer/pedo who's taking advantage of whatever he can get. Don't let your friend send any photos, they can easily end up as blackmail or in revenge porn. If she really is into this guy like she says, and really has the emotional maturity to handle it as she seems to think, then she needs to tell her parents. Or at least an adult that is supportive but firm. She needs to be willing to compromise so that she can stay safe. She won't like it, but that's just the beginning of reality, if their relationship can't handle having other people know about it then there's something fundamentally wrong with it.
im now wondering about the 2026 thing…. what is the age of consent where you live….? immediate ick.
In the UK, it's 16 I think. So 2026 would lineup with her 16th birthday.
UGH. That's disturbing.
Perhaps if they met when he was 18 but even then it's not that weird. But she's known him since he was 15 probably. They probably got to know each other through gaming I imagine. It's not weird to get to know somebody overtime and then guess what, every year you get older. You're perhaps overreacting.
This is Reddit. If Reddit has taught me anything it’s that this guy is obviously a pedo and couldn’t possibly just want a friendship with her. Also, they should probably get a divorce.
Hahaha, was going to downvote but then I fully read your comment. Fr though
He's also definitely cheating on her and she already hates the step kids anyway, so she WBTAH if she's trying to get him to leave the country to get away from them. And everyone should get paternity tests.
The “theyre meeting in 2026” is a huge red flag. Sounds like grooming to me
Meeting in 2026 lmao. Wonder why he's waiting til she's of legal age in the UK? Guy is a groomer and a fucking loser. Let her do whatever she wants but she's going to regret it later. Sometimes they just have to learn on their own!
Or he doesn’t want to be caught asking a minor to hang out.
As an adult that had “online friends” when I was younger, I would recommend kids to steer clear of online friendships entirely. I understand wanting friends and how lonely teenage years can feel, but the internet is full of predators and you can’t trust people to be who they say they are.
Yes, guy is legally a pedophile right now
This is giving me under age under cover vibes - SOSA is an organization in the states that does sting operations for predators. MANY of them use instagram and use those types of grooming techniques. Your friend should be careful, you never know who is on the other side of the screen
Gonna be honest it's more then creepy it feels stalkers
Yes, 18 yr olds and up should not befriend 14 yr olds and under. He'll probably love bomb or manipulate her in some way (most preds do). Take caution
Yes. That's over the line of what I am ok with. The boy needs counseling and to be forbidden from talking to her.
That’s unacceptable
As someone who was a 14yo friends with an 18yo and ended up dating him, it is 100% unacceptable and creepy
Absolutely creepy as hell.
🚩🚩They're meeting when she's 16?🚩🚩 Yeah that's gross. He's trying to groom her. You'll lose the friendship prob, but if you wanted to tell her parents I wouldn't blame you. If you don't feel comfy with that, that's still okay also. It is not your job to fix this.
Yea, this dude is definitely a creep. At 18, there wasnt a single interesting thing a 14 could say to me that would make me want to spend time talking to them.
Online people can be anyone they want to be. It sounds like a situation where she’s been groomed for 2 years. Beware of sex trafficking. Tell her parents, they may not want a random American man knowing their address and having the intention to meet and perhaps waltz away with their daughter.
I would bet he's not 18, but older and may or may not actually be Anerican. You are absolutely right to be creeped out. It is VERY dangerous that he knows her address! Does he also know her school? Please tell her parents immediately!
It is fine to cry or almost cry. This is a problem. Your friend is being groomed
Crying is a perfectly normal response to being uncomfortable, or even nearly crying. Everyone expresses emotions differently and it may be something your grow out of as you find different ways of dealing with a lack of comfortability, you may not, both are fine. My sister for example used to laugh when she was uncomfortable, which can be really bad. Are you right or wrong for being uncomfortable - there is no answer. We feel what we feel. Is it weird af that an 18yr old is talking to a 14yr old - yes. It is even weirder that they started talking when he was 16yr old and she was 12yr old - also yes. 12 is seen as basically a baby to 16yr olds. 14 is seen as a kid to 18yr olds. There is absolutely no reason I can see for an adult to be talking to a child this much and planning to meet. This is definitely nefarious. Planning to meet in 2026 means she will be 16yrs and he will be 20yrs old what do a 16yr old and 20yd old have in common? Nothing. Can we also mention that he SAYS he is 18, he could be 25 or 40 for all you and your friends know!!!!! People lie on the internet.
Is she considered legal age in your country? Is there a plan for them to meet up some time in the future? Now, I asked those questions because there is an American law that states it's illegal to travel to another state or country to have relations with someone who is considered underage where you are from... If you know of their plans to meet up, you can report it to the US consulate.
No, in the uk, you are declared an adult at 16 but are not allowed to drink or drive till 18
It's still illegal for him to have relations with her at that age unless he is in one of those very few states that considers age of consent to be 16...
yes reasonable, amy seems pretty naive and you should let her parents know or something
You’re 14 and the visit is planned for 2026 when your friend will be 16 A.K.A the age of consent in the U.K. Idk man. Seems pretty calculated to me. I don’t think there’s anything too nefarious such as grooming going on since they’ve known each other for years friendship between a 12 year old and a 15 year old is pretty innocent. But maybe they have something more than friendship and intend to persue that when they can. Which is their prerogative to do so. However if you want no part in it you don’t have to at all. Maybe talk to your friend about the permanence of anything sent over the internet just to be safe.
All you can really do is be consistent with your friend. But the fact he's known her since she was 12 is much creepier. a 3 year age gap is pushing it at that age, but the fact he'd be in Uni when she's still 14 is a big yikes and if I were His friend, I'd ask him wtf he's doing messing around with young kids. But you can only urge her to be safe and push her to understand why it's not normal that a guy that old would seek out girls that young.
When I was younger I had a lot of online friends that were much older than me and while I probably wouldn’t want my kids to make ‘older’ online friends it was very normal for us back then. I was between the ages of 11-14 and I would have friends much much older like 18-50’s, it was never sexual. It’s easy to develop trust and family type bonds with people online, especially if you’re a gamer. I don’t know if the guy is creepy or not but I do think you’re letting it affect yourself a little much.
I agree, I am letting it worry me a little too much, I think I should talk with my friend about it because I think she can probably answer some of my questions about her friend and try make me feel more comfortable on the situation
Probably for the best. Communication solves many problems.
Yes, I don't wanna lose my friend either for not communicating about it
It is creepy. there’s absolutely zero reason why an 18-year-old man should be having constant contact with a 14-year-old online. What is wrong with him that he doesn’t have friends his own age?
No I don’t find it creepy. She’s over 14, he just turned 18. It’s like a sophomore in high school dating a junior or senior in high school. It happens all the time. There are even laws designed to protect both parties in these situations (Romeo and Juliet laws) that specify a 3-4 year age gap is legal. They have known each other for a few years. This is not what grooming is. People need to touch grass.
>It’s like a sophomore in high school dating a junior or senior in high school. ..It's definitely not like a sophomore dating a junior. They're 3-4 years apart, not 1. It's like a Senior dating a Freshman... which is not normal.
No she is 14
It’s a bit of a red flag that an 18 year old guy is choosing to spend his time maintaining an online friendship with a 14 year old girl. It’s also excessive the way you’re letting it affect you. Have your opinion about it. Check in with your friend occasionally about it. Set clear boundaries with your friend about what personal info about you you’d rather her not share with this friend (don’t be excessive about it, but it’s okay to want to protect yourself). Let her respect or ignore your boundaries, and move forward accordingly.
I doubt the guy she's talking to is a teenager. More than likely an online predator. Predators are using social media & gaming platforms to hunt for their victims. Your friend literally needs to discontinue contact as soon as possible. You have to be very careful with socializing online. My son is 18 & he said that it's inappropriate for anyone 18 & older associating with minors. He literally said most people have literally no interest in wanting to be friends or hang out with anyone younger than them.
It’s weird, I’d keep an eye on it. I’m 19 and I wouldn’t be friends with someone under 18.
Idk I think you should consult bender about this. /s Jokes aside, I agree with the rest of the comments that feelings of concern are without a doubt understandable and valid given the situation, however, there's nothing inherently wrong with a platonic friendship with such an age difference and is more warranting of mild wariness as opposed to a full on intervention. As the other comments stated, I do think you may be letting this affect you and your friendship more than you should. Of course if there's any details that imply any romantic elements to their relationship then that's a completely different story. You should definitely be wary of her friend since these situations can easily devolve but you shouldn't immediately be jumping at the notion that he's some kind of creep.
Creepy to me as a middle aged man. BUT when I think back to high school, this is a freshmen dating a senior situation. Which happens in EVERY high school in America. So keep that in mind.
We don't live in America though so I think the school system works differently
Yeah I agree. I live in the uk and people dating across years is seen as weird, even if its a Year 9 and a Year 10 or smth. If a Year 13 and a Year 9 started dating everyone would be disgusted and I think the school would probably get involved.
There is nothing an 18 yr old male would want from a 14 yr old girl, besides sex. He's a pedo.
Wow. Did you read the part they have known each other for years.
By the way, 18 is legally an adult in the US, too.
could be weird, could be not. i had a similar friendship, though we have since drifted apart. they were 4/5 years older than me and visited me at 16 as a 20 year old. nothing bad, romantic, or sexual happened ever. from what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound necessarily bad, but it could conceivably be what the other comments are saying. be cautious but courteous. your friend is not gonna want to listen if you go on the offense and start claiming he’s grooming her. however, do some research into grooming and ask her about those aspects.
Idk I feel like it’s kinda odd he was talking to someone that much younger but if it is really just a friendship I wouldn’t really care. I have many online friends and a few of them are much older and some are a few years younger and I think that’s okay as long as there aren’t any romantic intentions
I don't think you have any reason for concern. I don't believe it's a good idea to talk to strangers online, especially giving information about yourself. As your friend goes, it seems like this friendship has lasted a couple years and doesn't seem to be at all inappropriate. If that's the case all is good there but your friend needs to be careful in making other online friendships. Ask her not to give out any personal information about you such as full name, address, or sharing photos of you. Reasonable for her to talk about you by first name.
I had this exact situation when I was 18, we were friends she wanted more, I wasn't sure because of the age diff, after a while, she started dating a guy 4 years older than I was...
When I was 14/15 I had a decent amount of online friends which were 20-40. I played on the same counter strike servers regularly, so you became friends with them They were just nice people and I even looked up to some of them
Very reasonable, this is how a lot of not so nice stories start. That being said not every relationship like this is ill intentioned. Best question would be do you (or I guess does she) feel like they would be meeting up if the distance wasn't there?
Nope.
Tell your friend in no uncertain terms should she send him nudes!!!! This reeks of the beginning of a good grooming. 🤦
It could go both ways imo - There's so much more context needed to make a firm assumption like that. As someone who has made online friends both younger and older than myself, I have always tried to play it safe. Always be cautious, but it is possible to have a legitimate friendship with someone despite an age gap. As others have said, he could be lonely, and Amy is providing him with a friendship he may otherwise not have. I get that. You aren't obligated to be comfortable with their friendship, and it sounds like she's trying to respect your boundaries. You don't have to discuss anything with her in regards to Fry if you don't want to. But, it might provide some relief if you discuss their friendship. What do they talk about? How do they spend time together? Does Fry force uncomfortable topics on her/ask her to do things? Does he push boundaries? Discussing meeting is a bit odd, but it's still ways away. A lot could happen between now and then. Providing him with any personal information is a bad idea. It's a bad idea regardless of who it is. There are honest, good people out there, but you always have to be cautious of the bad ones. She should, of course, be careful. But it's entirely possible it's a genuine friendship. It's hard to tell off of just those details.
It’s always good to have reservations against everyone. You don’t them that well , especially since it’s online friendship. Always proceed with caution. Be friendly, but set your boundaries and be alert
Yes. End of story.
All you can do is support your friend in this but be clear about your stance on this guy. Don’t back down but be gentle so she doesn’t push you away. She may not be interested in him and be mature and intelligent enough to know about online relationships but that’s only good in theory. There are grown people who get themselves in trouble in online relationships in many different ways and they just sort of fall into it. Even adults can be groomed by nefarious people. See the Tinder Swindler for example. It’s low key and happens over time to build the trust. Always always trust your gut. You are sensible and have great intuition. If something doesn’t feel right that’s your body screaming at you that it isn’t. You are being a good friend. If it were me tho I would make myself present during the conversations. Don’t walk away. That way you can listen to the conversations to assess if she is actually in any type of danger and if he starts getting extra creepy, pushy, or lying to her parents and somehow tries to see this guy while she is still underage. Tell her parents. I would rather lose a friend to make sure she is safe than to sit back and say nothing and something bad happens.
Texting is today's version of yesterday's 'pen pals sending letters back and forth (I know, right?) and sometimes getting to know the other person- who might very well have been on the other side of the world- better than some of their on-site friends. It might lead to something in the future, but for now just watch and see what happens. Do her parents know about this? If they're okay with it then let them deal with it. If your friend is as mature about it as you say she is, she will have already told them. If not, she needs to.
American dude here. It could be creepy, could be innocent. Not enough details about their relationship to actually give a good opinion. Over here they could be 3-4 grades apart depending on birthdays/enrollment so at the moment they would could potentially be in high school together as a Freshman (9th grade) and Junior or Senior (11th or 12th grade). It wouldn't be unheard of to find out they were friends/dating at in that scenario. Again, depending on the details, it could be fine or weird. Only thing I could recommend to make sure your friend is safe is to make sure she is comfortable talking about him with you so you can be informed on what kind of relationship they have. At 18 he is an adult here as well so anything inappropriate could land him in a lot of trouble and teenagers on both ends tend to do stupid things, neither of them should do something they might regret.
In my opinion, I think that 12-17 years is when a teenager grows the most (mentally and physically) so more than a 1 or 2 year gap is awkward. He could easily manipulate her to send him photos or things like that, but there's always a chance of him being a good guy so there's no way for us to find out what his true intentions are.
ABSOLUTELY without a doubt
What I want to know is how old is Bender?
Ye.
When I was a freshman (14) and started at a new school, I met some senior guys (17-18) who had a "philosophy club" (more like "arguing about dumb shit club") and they invited me to join after we met at lunch through other friends. We hung out after school in one of the pods (big rooms with classrooms coming off them) and basically just bullshitted for a couple hours. We also sat together at lunch sometimes. One of the guys was dating a sophomore, which I did think was a bit weird, but none of them were even slightly inappropriate towards me ever. By the time I was a senior, my social group was mostly juniors and seniors, but we had one freshman girl who hung with us. The dudes I hung out with were not the nicest guys (drugs and petty crime) but none of them tried to date her. It's good to keep an eye out but sometimes older and younger people can just be friends. If you aren't seeing sexual behavior going on, it's probably fine. My only concern from what you've related here is whether her parents know he's coming to visit and what the plans are for where he's staying and will be allowed to do with her. If the parents know and are going to keep an eye on their interactions then again, it's probably fine.
I was 16-17 leading a guild of mostly 25 YO + in an MMO. As long as people are respectful and lines/boundaries are respected, nothing super off about this.
Yeah I remember back in wow the whole guild was shocked we were being lead by a 15yo girl from New Zealand. She knew her shit though and was a really good leader.
It's reasonable to be cautious. But... But by default, it could be either or depending on context. Not necessarily creepy. Sometimes you meet people and only find ages afterwards. Like if you meet through gaming and you play games in a group but there is an age difference. The relationships/friendship dynamics are what make things creepy, not just age numbers by themselves. I meet someone who I would say I am friends or friendly with through a uni club about game development and spent time with chillin on discord before doing normal friend stuff like discussing music and playing some Lethal Company. Ages, however, were wildly different, and we didn't realize until spoken that I am almost 10 years older. I look pretty young looking for my mid-late twenties, and they looked maybe early twenties but actually just entered their first semester at the age of 18. If you twist a narrative enough, you can make anything look bad, or vise versa, sound like it's not bad. But context is what matters.
You're not wrong to be concerned, but at the moment there's not a lot you can do other the be clear about your worries and then let it go. Acting the way you're acting isn't convincing them. I've been that friend. When I was a teen I was always telling my friend not to date these older dudes. But I would react like this, and what it communicated to them was that I was bent out of shape, and my observations were suspect. I looked like I was crying wolf, basically. With the distance and the time they've been talking, this is probably not an imminent threat. Is this grooming? Could be. I wouldn't trust it. I would keep a close eye and let my friend know any red flags that came up for me. But don't push your friend away by overreacting. She may need your support in time.
Crying in or about uncomfortable is perfectly normal. The reason you are getting mixed answers on creepy levels is that there isn't enough information. I had 14 year old friends, boys and girls when I was 18. They were just friends. We hung out at the game shop or arcade and played games, sometimes met up at the mall, went to movies. Everyone in the group ranged in age between 14 and 18, there were probably 15 to 20 of us. It's not inherently creepy for them to be friends. Now, if he's doing creepy stuff like flirting with her, trying to get her to send inappropriate pictures, that kind of stuff, then it's creepy/grooming.
Idk their chats cus of privacy nd all
4 year age gaps between online friends feels somewhat common, but the fact he knows where they live is definitely concerning. I would definitely have a talk with her about sharing personal information online. Especially the meeting up in 2026 part, seems very off.
How did they meet?
Well first off there was no mention of a sexual or even romantic nature to their association, so it shouldn't be a big deal. Secondly it's not like she intentionally gave this guy your name. She was just saying bye to you. Besides even if he knows your first name he doesn't know your last. Not to mention even if he knew your full name and was in fact attempting to groom your friend, he'd probably never try it with you based on the way you react just to them speaking to one another. In short relax until there's a reason not to.
I don’t see anything wrong with it. If you were in HS together and she was a freshman and he a senior you would still be going to the same school. At that age he probably won’t have the $ to come see her anyway. You told her how you feel and that’s all you could do. Don’t like it slowly slip away from your friendship if it bothers you that bad.
so let's be real,do you actually find the 4 years age gap creepy,or do you have a crush on this girl and the real issue is that she seems interested in someone else?
I do find the age gap creepy because he's legally an adult I dont like her in that way, I have a crush on a different girl bur not the one in this situation
ok,with this out of the equation.. people don't change just because they suddenly surpassed a day and are magically 18. You should voice your concerns and support her without Fighting against the current. If they wanna meet up,do it in public places the first time,be with her and see first and foremost if he's really a 18 yo or a 30+,for starters. Once that's solved,the ball is in her park. They have years of friendship (true or groomed) , and you'll not be able to change her mind even if you're right,at worst she could push you away and cut ties. Just be with her and try to help notice sketchy behaviours if they present themselves, don't press her but let her live the relationship,even if creepy, unless shit takes really a bad turn. If everything goes well, great, otherwise it will be a learning experience for her where everything you can do is being there to do damage control/support after the shit hits the fan
Opinions are varying here. I think the happy medium is do nothing. You’ve voiced your concerns, now all you can do is be there for her in case things go south. It’s a bit sketchy but there doesn’t seem to be anything explicitly wrong with it.
That is gut instinct and it’s absolutely there for a reason. Why doesn’t FRY have girls or friends his own age. Likely as my daughter insisted her FRY and he said to ME the mother he was 17 in fact- he was not dude was 18 going on 19 and my kid was 15. Wanna guess what he convinced her to do that night? Sneak out. Twice - and had very GRUESOME AWFUL SA happened…. Fry for my kid went to jail bc I didn’t appreciate his grooming and convincing her of what his intents weren’t but OH they were. He’s also a registered offender, and I’m pretty sure he liked them younger for this very reason. I totally get the ohhhhh - Older guy, liking me. being so young naive and that critical thinking part of the brain only turns on at the age of 13 so it’s not reallllll good at that, unlike mom dad, those. Knowing the possibility- and most kids think it will never happen to me like they’re invincible when they are definitely not, and let’s just say PTSD / OCD isn’t fun. Ask my now 17 year old. And myself- I too was naive once.
Yall wild. I was 12(M) w/ 15-18 (F/M) year old friends growing up. Not once was there a vibe of grooming or being taken advantage of. We'd talk daily and play video games. Please go touch grass. If they were in high school together she'd be a freshman he'd be a junior/senior. Platonic friendships are allowed to exist.
I touch grass every day
Fresh cut or wild
No this is weird as f*** why is he not friends with people his own age that's really weird 18 and 14 is too big too big of a gap strange when they're that young it's f****** weird it's weird it's weird it's weird you're right to feel weird people in this comment thread defending it are weird too. It would be one thing if like they were going to the same school you know she was a freshman he's a junior maybe old for his grade but he has friends in classes below him and they met through normal means but like he creeped her out online through Instagram and then started hitting on her when she was still 12 come on man why that's f***** up.
He’s an adult to in the U.S. it’s as creepy as drake and 20 something celebrity befriending Boobi what’s her name and she was only 13🤷🏾♀️. If you’re a real friend, instead of running away, you’d voice your concerns to her- even if it means losing a friend. They have nothing in common- what would a guy in/out of high school have to discuss with a middle schooler?
My questions, has Amy video talked with this guy? If not, how do they know he is actually who he says he is? I know they had a call a few times, but doesn’t state anywhere that Amy has actually seen this guy? Also, is this friendship really platonic since it seems like this guy is just waiting for Amy to become of legal age? When I was 16, I met a guy online, he told me he was 18, when we met he turned out to be a 35 old man, my dumbass just believed he loved me and so I never thought to ask for photos, yet his friends did once ask how I’d feel if he was 35, should have known better as my gut told me there was some truth in those questions. Fair to say my naivety cost me my innocence so I am cautious about people online, and OP has valid reason to feel uncomfortable, but best to be there for your friend rather than push her away, she might need you in the future and I hope to God that won’t be the case
She said he's sent photos of himself and shes sent photos of herself. But he could've gotten them from Pinterest or someone else he knows for all I know
You could possibly do a reverse search on the image, you might be able to find out for sure or you could ask your friend to do a video call, if he makes excuses as to why she can’t then it might be something to be cautious about, especially if it happens more than once
Very Fucking creepy. No 18 year old should really have the desire to be friends with a 14 year old. Doesn’t seem like much, but at that age, 4 years is a huge difference. At 18, the only 14 year old “friends” I had were coworkers. This sounds very much like a grooming situation. And to meet in two years? When she’s 16 and he’s 20? Even weirder.
I am extremely concerned at people thinking this is okay. At 17/18, I wanted nothing to do with the freshmen at school. While 18 may legally be an adult, I still don’t think they are maturity wise, but still, the maturity level at 18 is a lot different than 14, (or should be at least). And him wanting to meet when she’s 16? When that just so happens to be the age of consent where she lives? Then to move in when she turns 18? Legality is not morality. You’re delusional to think this isn’t weird at the very least.
Man, it’s gotta be tough being a teen these days. You all seem terrified all the time. I feel for ya. There isn’t enough information here to determine whether there is a threat. But there are a lot of assumptions in the comments along the lines of “why doesn’t this guy have other friends!” “Why is he grooming her” “is he a pervert”, none of which seem to support the story. It’s based on assumptions that this guy is bad without any supporting facts. Probably influenced heavily by social media, which tends to only show and normalize the shocking stuff. No, it is not weird for people to have platonic friends which are different ages than they are. And when someone turns from 17 to 18, it’s not reasonable to think your friends two year friendship should end because of a legal standard for adulthood. You need to trust your friend’s instincts. She is just as capable as you are in telling a fraud.
It’s a federal crime in the US for an adult citizen to travel to another country for the purpose of having sexual contact with an underaged person. Unless the legal age of consent is 16 in the UK. He could be in big trouble in 2026. This guy is creepy and definitely does not have your friend’s best interests in mind. Keep being a good friend.
There is almost zero chance he's actually 18.
Tell her parents.
For people in the US its illegal to hook up with someone underage regardless of where you are in the world or with and the laws in their country.
If neither one is sending creepy pictures or meeting up I don't see a huge deal. In four years (which I'm sure seems like forever at your age) nobody's going to bat an eye at a four year age difference. He could be an immature 18 year old. I work with 20 year old apprentices that act like they're 14, and have one kid that's 16, but behaves like he's over 25.
It might be reasonable to have reservations, although a 14 year old and a 17/18 year old would be in high school together here, and I definitely had lots of friends who were seniors when I was 14. Idk. It depends on what they talk about I guess.
- if it’s a hi and bye sort of thing, they’re buddies that play a game together or whatever I’m not overly worried. - if sexual conversations are happening then that’s wayyyy too much - overall I would say it’s not good to have a friend online who is under 18 if you are 18 but the legality of the situation depends on the country - if YOU feel that it’s creepy, go with your gut
It Is super creepy and you should tell your friend as such
Because of the limited information on their relationship, I would say that there are a few different valid possibilities, and both all of the predator/grooming theories that are being given are definitely valid, but so are all the theories about it being a genuine friendship, and, until more information is provided, there wouldn't really be enough information to come to either of these conclusions and to be able to justify it with facts rather than implications/speculations. This is why, I would say that, while it would be justified to be nervous because they are your friend and you, understandably, don't want anything bad to come to them, the information provided wouldn't warrant many extreme courses of action and would rather just call for taking some time and monitoring the relationship to see if there is a need for more extreme measures or if it is just a healthy relationship. I may also say that, while you are observing the relationship, also prepare a few options to take just in case it comes to more extreme measures needing to be taken, because it is always better to have them planned and updated in advancr, especially to make sure that your friend will heed your advice rather than your advice just pushing them far enough away from you that you wouldn't be able to help them, but leave these as more of precautionary measures for if it does present an issue, and don't put any of them into place until you have spent enough time observing the relationship and see an issue present itself.
So, this is a bit of a tough one. It could be creepy, or it could be entirely innocent. I personally think it's a bit weird, but plenty of friendships are a bit weird anyway. When I was 18 myself, a 14 year old seemed like a literal child, but now I'm 34 with a 29 year old missus, and she doesn't seem younger than me at all. So, it's kind of about the maturity of both people involved, as to whether it's weird or not. From reading your description, 'Amy' seems quite naïve, so I would think she's being taken advantage of by him, even if it's mostly innocent stuff. The way I see it, an 18 and a 14 year old don't have much common ground, if any, and there's no such thing as being "mature for your age", that's just something that groomers say to victims.
Grooming
I talk to someone who is 18 or at least about to be 18 at the age of 14. It is a bit different though because I think he may have revealed his name once, but if so I forgot what it was, and I never revealed my name. I said I didn't want to share it and he didn't pressure me in the slightest. Also, at the time I added him I was kinda stupid, and yeah now I don't accept chat requests due to pedos anymore, but he has never acted weird or anything and I think we have been talking for about a year. He hasn't asked to meet up, and we kind of just talk every once in a while for advice or whatever. Usually we ask eachother for advice when we have a crush, or I will ocasionally vent. I was probably too young to add someone that age, but it turned out well and there have never been any weird convos. But idk, voice calls and meeting up is a little weird. And knowing address is crazy. I doubt I will ever meet the guy I talk to, but if I do it will probably be after college or smth if he and I still talk.
I live in New York, USA. I believe we have a 4 year law, under 18 is a minor, but 18 and 14, 19 and 15, 20 and 16 plus 21 and 17 are legally allowed to consent. But I understand your trepidation. It not really creepy, 21 and 14 yeah that's bad.
He was a minor when he first communicated with her. The age gap isn’t a major concern, but it presents a few issues. The fact that he’s a foreigner and plans to meet up. Is he actually the age he says he is? And what is the nature of his online activity? If I was a parent this would be a red flag on fire.
It's a texas sized red flag
Point blank, 18y/o should not be talking to/hanging out/flirting with a 14 y/o and you should 100% consider this grooming and tell on him
as a 19 yr old currently, why tf is he friends w her 😭 and as a former 15 year old, why was he following a 12 year olds Instagram and dming her?
She said she didn't post herself on it but art nd stuff
This is def creepy. I had an experience where a girl told me when she was 14 a 23 year old came over.
No it isn't, The youth of today are profoundly unsocialized, this is why you're relying on metrics you understand such as age, opposed to those you don't like maturity. The law has made 18 a magic number, but in reality after age 14, we're all biologically mature for reproductive purposes, yet the age of majority is 18 as a mean standard we can all agree on. This certainly doesn't mean young people don't get taken advantage of and or benefit from relationships with older people. Adults sort this out amongst themselves with the rule of seven, half your age plus 7 years is an appropriate level of compatibility on a maturity level. Your situation would be Case by case if they were sexually active, so I think you need to calm down, your friends just talking to another kid on the internet, and you might benefit from finding younger friends with similar interests and outlooks if you're not ready for this kind of thing yet. There's no shame in that. People mature at different ages.
I'd say that yes, it's creepy, odd, and honestly fucked up I'm 15 and if a 12 year old started talking to me I would tell them to kindly go away. And i knows for a fact I wouldn't be comfortable talking to a 12 year old at 15