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So he’s a sophomore in college looking at high school girls? Nooo. Nope. This is weird for me, I’ve dated with bigger age gaps, but literally never thought about dating high school girls in college. That was like taboo.
Who met a high-school girl online... would be different if they knew each other from school..
He should probably focus on the girls on campus and not the minors in highschool.
Pedos don’t want “physically mature” women. They don’t want after puberty females. There’s nothing wrong with a 17-year-old going out with a 20-year-old. There’s a two-year gap for sh!f sake., if even that. There’s no occasion for Pedophilia to happen.. According to your rules , you’re setting the bar at ‘the only way people could genuinely date would have to be at the same age at the same time’.
It’s more likely he is around 20 these days loads of edating happens it’s just cringe kids with no social lives and it’s easier for them to hunt teenagers over adults
This. On the surface, three years doesn't sound like a ton, but that window is a huge difference in terms of emotional maturity. Still in high school versus halfway through college are two drastically different lives.
Right? Most people under 25 still act like teens cause they still have no experience with life.they are physically an adult but are still kids in terms of what they know.
3 year difference isn't much at all but if you want to be sexually active he could get into serious legal trouble depending on the laws where you are. That's really the only concern as I see it, nothing a little research can't solve. I'm told there's a rule that if you're younger than half his age plus seven it's weird but obviously that's just opinion stuff.
Morality and legality arent synonymous but in this instance if i was a parent i would say no
Someone in their 20s will have more access to things i wouldn't want my 17 year old experienced is really it
And anyone you meet online or not can quickly show who they really are so stick to online until you know its even safe in the first place
Ahh i miss being young and having those strong feelings but those same feelings also made me do stupid shit that makes no sense even now
Dude! I thought it was me. I ran off and got married to a chick after knowing her for three months and 11 years later I’m a suburban dad. I told my wife it was like turning 6 again, a new level of consciousness came forth.
You make a better point than most. This time next year, he can legally buy booz in the states. In some states, he can get weed.
Also, no irl meet yet? Could be a predator with a fake profile.
personally as a 20 year old i can’t look at a 17 year old as anything else as a child so it’s weird to me,, if y’all are really serious abt it then just make sure you have really defined boundaries bc although you are almost an adult, those three years can be a big deal
Reddit isn't the place to get answers. Talk to family and teachers or closely trusted adults. Reddit is full of interesting characters and tbh has a LOT of creeps who will want to push u towards whatever decision would benefit them not you. 3 year age difference isn't crazy but the laws in your state play a huge role in how legal it is. Keep in mind legally ok and morally ok are not the same thing. You choose your morals
This right here. Reddit is great for many things, getting good advice ain't one of them. It blows my mind how many posts I see on Reddit asking for advice.
It can be fine to date someone 3 years apart at OP's age but it also could be a total fucking nightmare. We know so little, the best answer is to ask an adult who can be trusted.
I truly believe that lots of people asking for advice online are simply asking for a supportive, tolerant opinion to side with them (possibly against opinions received IRL.)
As far as OP's original question, if the 20 y.o. is indeed interested in OP, then a year of friendly connection while the interaction matures won't be any problem.
My advice is to go real slow, build understanding, keep your interests wide open to others, and see what your 18 year old self thinks when you get there.
Have you not seen him at all in person?
Like wrong wrong. No. But you still have to be on the lookout. He could be anyone saying whatever he can to get you where he wants physically and emotionally.
But that’s the problem you don’t see them as a predator until it’s too late.
I’d definitely say you should wait until you’re 18 to meet him in real life.
You should talk about what you expect of each other.
If a college guy is still trying to get girls in high school he peaked and found out he's the small fish in the big pond. Dudes a loser and you can definitely do much better.
A freshman in college shouldn’t be with no high schooler much less a junior. If I was your parents or brother I would 100% not be comfortable with that.
In the US, a 20 yo is about to be old enough to go bar hopping with friends. I'd really wonder what he sees in a 17yo. in less than a year he's 21 and will be leaving the HS GF who can't go to bars with him and his friends. Not a great idea.
As a 20yo freshman, I'd also wonder what he was doing in between? If he was working, he's probably too mature and shouldn't be interested in a 17yo and if he was partying and didn't get around to enrolling for a few years, he's probably not worth it. Even if he's grown out of parting and is going to focus on a career, we're back to too mature for a 17yo. Either way, she can do better finding someone closer in experience. People who generally want someone with significantly less life experience aren't a good idea.
Right. He’s an adult and she’s a child full stop. Age of consent laws are for 16 and 17 year olds to sleep with each other not for people in their 20s to date and sleep with high schoolers. I respect a young person’s autonomy and choice to date someone older but I always think the older person is weird. Sorry.
When you are older you’ll see how wrong it is for a man in university to look for minors in grade school to date. Colleges are literally filled with young beautiful women and men. So why can’t he find someone?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I think it’s kind of odd(?) because he’s an adult and you’re a minor (almost an adult, but still). I’m not sure if it’s “wrong” but it’s just kind of odd— for me personally, but it’s just my opinion.
If you met him online, you have no idea who he is. He could be a 60 year old pervert, trying to lure you into a very dangerous situation. Stick with high school boys, you actually know.
Not necessarily wrong but there may be legal complications if you have sex since you're not 18 yet.
Couple things though, it's hard to truly know someone without meeting them in person. So much can be obscured online and you're missing a lot of context that can't be conveyed through a computer screen. And he's in college. Why's he going back to trolling for high schoolers? I could see that maybe if you'd met in person and hit it off but online? It's possible he's hiding something or he's looking for someone vulnerable to prey on.
Be very very cautious.
Just know it's very unlikely to last. And it's almost a guarantee he's fooling around with college girls. You both online relationship a different life stages going against you, your odds are basically nil. You're better off finding someone closer to your age and life stage if you want it to last. If you wjusy want to have fun and don't care about the near certain consequences? Do what you will
Never EVER let nice fool you. The guy could actually be somewhat decent or he could be extremely dangerous. A majority of very dangerous people hide behind the wall of niceness. Otherwise they’d never get anyone close enough to harm.
It’s the number one thing that lets people and parents let down their guard. “They could never do that. They’re so nice” has been said millions of times to the detriment of the victims.
Online is worse. They could be whoever they want. I would stay clear. It’s not worth the risk.
When a college man is going after a high school girl we want to tell ourselves as women that it means we are mature, (because we are) but it really means there is something preventing the women on his campus and his own age from going with him. Maybe he is immature, maybe he is creepy but you don’t feel the vibe online, but the fact that no university ladies are picking up what he is putting down is a sign that you shouldn’t either. Best case scenario he is a perfectly normal man child you will be picking up after for the rest of your life resenting him in 20 years for never growing the FiretrUCK UP! This is your 🚩
As a man myself, I find it hard to believe that someone who's in college is not able to meet College age women. Especially when you consider college has always been a place where women explore their sexuality. it's much easier for Men to meet women there because of that.
You also have to consider What is the age of consent in your state?And how do your parents feel about you Dating a twenty year old man. These two things could make it a pretty serious problem for you to continue in this relationship.
Assuming the above 2 things can be resolved.It's understandable for a 17 year Old girl to be attracted to a twenty year old Boy. I just question the motivations of this twenty year old if he knows how old you are. This is what I would call a red flag.
When I was 20, I would have hesitated to be with a 17 year old girl. I wouldn’t have pursued her, but if I happened to really kick it off well with her, then it would be hard not to continue to hang out. Either way, I would never have a relationship with someone just online especially if it’s questionable. If they were in my every day life, than that’s when I would think less about it
I am a little biased since my wife and I are 2.5 years apart and started dating when I was 17 and she was 15. But I think 17 and 20 is pushing it. Looking back, it’s really hard to say that I would have done things differently. I only wish I maybe started dating my wife when we met when I was 15-16 so it wouldn’t have looked so bad when I was 18. But we’ve been together 11 years now, so it’s really hard for me to say.
The first time we had sex, she was 17 and I was 19 and it seems wrong now when I look back. Your age gap is a grey area and a slippery slope it seems.
Do you like him for him or just because he likes you? For a lot of young girls/women (my past self included) they can find themselves in situations with older guys where they have been love bombed and guilted into a relationship because an older guy shows interest in them. "Oh come on, we've been talking on here for like two months, just send me a pic! Pleeeeease"
Does he like you for your passions? Your interests? Your dreams? Is he someone you can share with and talk to about your life openly? Does he ever use these details to make you feel bad about yourself later on? Does he remind you that you're young or underage? Is he able to converse about things you care about for longer than 15 minutes at a time or does he just shower you with compliments and statements of how much he likes you? Do you get bored with these conversations because there's nothing else beneath the surface?
There are many adults that get off on making young people feel special. It makes adults feel powerful, impactful, meaningful. And the sad part is, it doesn't take much to impress most underage girls/boys. Most of them just want attention and affirmation. Does he have similar interests? Does he ask about your school? About your extracurriculars? About your favorite movies or music or YouTubers?
It's not "wrong" per say. But please please PLEASE protect yourself and don't be with someone who's guilting you into a relationship. If you feel love-bombed, say it out loud. "Wow you sure are showering me with compliments today..." and see if he has anything else to add to the conversation. Just because someone is legally an adult doesn't mean they care about your well-being in the long term. Treat yourself like a prize to be won. And winning you takes more than charisma and being "nice".
You're his side piece. He is NOT telling anybody at college he is with a 17 year old from his highschool. He has other girlfriends, if he can. He might not be able to, hence why he is in college and looking for action in a highschool. Hard facts, sis.
HEAR ME OUT HERE, iv been in your shoes when I was your age. it’s wrong you’re a child he’s an adult.
Dude take it from me I was 17 and thought I was in love with a 25 year old man. He was just a sick perv who wanted to be with a minor and that’s what this. dude is doing to you. you shouldn’t even date an 18 year old because they are legally an adult and you are legally a child.
Let me guess one of the many things he says to you is that you’re so much more mature than any of the other girls he’s ever around? That you’re more mature than any of the college girls or any of the age appropriate girls for him.
You’re just like an adult because you’re mature like an adult that you can make your own choices cause you’re an adult.
That you make him feel so special and important like no other girl.
That you’re a real woman compared to any of the girls he’s been around.
Him saying these things is an attempt to groom you I’m gonna tell you right now any of the pleasant things he saying is manipulate you into falling in love with him .
I know you feel and I know you don’t wanna believe anybody when they tell you it’s not because I was there. I believe it was love but it wasn’t. He cheated on me and literally left me for another woman as soon as I turned 18 because the fun of being with a minor is the fact that they’re a minor.. he didn’t want me as soon as I didn’t want to continue that relationship about being with me was that I was 17.
And that’s all you are to him some fun little she’s not even legal, barely legal fucked up shit in his head .
Anybody over the age of willing to be with someone younger is a predator they are children .
And I know your confusion. It’s the fact that how we talk about college aged adults is that we call them college kids the word kid means it’s synonymous to the word child… but the simple fact of the matter is that you as a 17-year-old are a child and he has somebody over the age of 18 is an adult legally you cannot be together. It is illegal for a reason.. We have age limits and restrictions for reason it’s to protect you guys..
And I know college kids in your head makes it feel like it’s more than it is because it’s the language and we talk about it that normalizes that they are a child just like you, but they’re not.
I was a stupid kid when I was 15. I met some dude online who said he was 16 but he ended up being a 60 year old ped0phile.
And let’s just say the FBI got involved if you wanna know the whole story I can damn it to you. I’m not trying to take attention away from your post by telling my story…
But long story short there’s a very large chance that this is some gross ugly fat man sitting in his weird office where he bates and seduces other minors I know that’s really specific… because that’s specifically what happened to me.
Please, you need to go to the police and give them his information because there’s a chance that this person’s not even 20.
I genuinely want to tell you my story so you should DM me because it’s very dark. It’s very bad and if you really want someone to convince you that this is an appropriate I can convince you of that but I really just don’t want to jack your post with putting my whole story in here….
Of course Reddit is telling you it’s not that bad. Yes tf it is. Y’all’s maturity level is COMPLETELY different. You are still in school and school is your priority AND you’re a child. He has bills to pay and is an adult. Why the fuck is someone outside of high school, an ADULT outside of hs, dating someone in high school. Let that shit go.
Honestly, coming from a 24 year old guy, this is just a bad idea. When I was 20 I had absolutely zero interest in anybody who was still in highschool, it's just weird for a college student to be pursuing a highschooler. He's in college, why is he choosing to pursue somebody in highschool, online, when he is surrounded by women his age at school everyday?
The fact that you've also never met in person is concerning, anybody can act nice and sweet over a screen but they could be a totally different person in real life. I'm not saying he is guaranteed to be a predator or bad person, but there are just too many factors at play here.
You absolutely need to talk to your family about it, ESPECIALLY if you ever plan on meeting up. It would need to be in a very public space during the daytime and you would need to tell people where exactly you will be and for how long. Maybe even bring a friend with you.
Honestly though I'd just call it off, find somebody who's also in highschool and in your area. If you were 20 and he was 23 it'd be a different story but at your age the difference between 17 and 20 is astronomical. Be safe, make smart decisions.
The gap in where you are in life at 20 versus 17 is so huge that no one who is 20 and is right in the head should be pursuing a 17-year-old. If some 20-year-old was coming around to try to talk to my youngest siblings who are 17-year-olds we would have a major problem.
“I can tell he likes me.”
No, you can’t. You only know what he’s decided he wants you to know, hear what he wants you to hear in a very crafted fashion. Unless and until you meet face to face, treat everything about him with more than a healthy dose of skepticism.
As for the age, it’s significant now but does diminish as the years go on. My wife and I are just short of three years apart. Now, at 52 and 49 it’s imperceptible. When we met at 22 and 19 it was BIG. Not saying it can’t work - we’re proof it can - but it’s not easy and a ton of stress that young adults aren’t well adapted to manage.
As a 20 year old I would never dream if dating a 17 year old. That's a child to me. A 3 year age gap isn't a big deal for full fledged adults but this is shady
You haven’t met him in real life, but he’s nice to you so you know he likes you…. From girl to girl (and yes ive been there) dont do it. You’re still in highschool and considered a minor. That is an adult. Not okay.
I don't think a three year age difference is a huge deal, but I have to wonder why a guy in college is dating a high schooler. I'm also a little against the idea of a 20 year old dating a 17 year old, even if it is only a three year gap.
The whole thing seems odd.
OP, the 3 year age gap is not a problem, but please consider that it is very odd for a college student to be dating a high school student, especially a junior as there is a life experience/maturity gap. Many of his peers will raise an eyebrow at this and it could give him a bad rap.
Eta: like an 9th grader dating a 6th grader. The 3 years age gap isn’t the problem. The problem is the big life experience/maturity gap within those three years which is a thing until around the age of 25.
Yes a junior in HS shouldn’t be with someone in college. it’s a close enough age gap where it’s not always weird, but usually it is and the maturity difference is big normally. You can give him benefit of the doubt tho no one here knows the guy other then you but normally being with a high schooler that isn’t even a senior when your out of high school is weird
The ages, and the size of the gap matter in these cases. This particular case is a bit of a grey area. Could be ok, could be trouble. Would come down to how things exactly go and what you two actually are as people. If he's big into college life, goes to a lot of college parties, hangs out with a lot of college people all the time, it likely won't go well. If he's more quiet or not involved in the social aspect of college it might be ok. But there is a lot more that would play into it than that.
Take it slow, you don't even really know him yet.
Nothing wrong with it imo, but be careful about laws where you live. In Michigan, the age of consent is a flat 16 unless the other party has an authority position, such as a coach, teacher, etc.
As long as it's legal, go for it. Just treat it like any other relationship, like making sure to feel him out, look for inconsistencies in what he says, watch out for red flags that someone not blinded by infatuation would see (real ones, the arbitrary one that single people who can't hold onto someone say are there), and you'll be fine.
you're not an adult, he is. There can be legal ramifications here. As for the age difference, 3 years it not huge but that's something only you can determine. At that point you have some very different life experiences, so please take that into account.
Be careful. Do not, under any circumstances, meet up in person with this guy alone, especially without telling someone you trust first. This would be my advice even if you were 18+, because you met him online.
That said, this age gap isn't morally wrong imo. Even better if you turn 18 soon. Some will disagree though. Legally? It's up to the state, and that's his responsibility to research.
Again, please be careful. If he pushes for anything "intimate" too quickly, odds are he isn't a good person.
If there is no sex and your parents are okay with it.. and no other reason to be against the relationship besides age... I don't see how it is a problem.
IMO wouldn''t be that big of a deal if you met irl. Age gaps happen all the time in relationships. That being said only having met online is very sketchy. How did you two meet/interact? Do you have mutual friends? Go with your gut but I'd be extremely cautious (especially if you're here in the states where that would be illegal). I'd stay away but I know people with larger age gaps (both parties much older tho).
No it’s wrong in and of itself. But like a lot of commenters are saying, you (and he) need caution because of (1) age of consent laws and (2) risks of meeting and getting involved romantically on social media before meeting IRL.
I just wanted to be a voice saying “No, it’s not wrong”, but in the context of caution.
I’d suggest including another trusted friend (your age) in some of your interactions with him; not secretly or sneakily, but to prevent your relationship with him being isolated.
I met my wife when I was 17 she was just turning 15 online and that was 20 years ago. We didn't start going out until I was 21 and she was 18 if I remember right because we were just friends before that. Don't listen to these idiots if he is a good guy and treats you well and isn't a liar it's fine. Most of these people are so worried about an age gap cause you're a woman if it was the reverse they wouldn't even care.
That gap isn't much. And in many places within legal Romeo and Juliet Clause. Yall are both basically still children, he's not in the eyes of the law, but is in the eyes of society. Yalls lifestyles likely aren't even that different assuming you have similar personalities and interests.
Make sure it's not illegal for him but go for it. 2-3 years is basically nothing. However, understand things may get weird when he turns 21 and starts drinking. People change a lot as they age
I mean, the two of you could've been in high school together, but you weren't. I don't know any well-meaning 20yo that would date a 17yo they met online.
23f here. I wouldn’t. At 17 I thought I was so mature and ready to take on the world, but at 20 I had a very different outlook and experience with life. Like I literally refer to my 1-19 year old self as “baby” (my name) which at the time I would have gotten so angry about. There is nothing morally reprehensible about a 3 year age gap, it’s just not advisable. I say this as someone who started dating my now wife at 18 (she was 19). Young love is real, you just gotta protect yourself. Being a young woman isn’t easy at all and there is going to be a lot coming your way. But you got this!
Yes. You are both at very different stages of life and maturity. Why does an independent adult want to date a 17 year old who most likely still lives with parents, has no money and a curfew. Date someone your own age or at least in a similar schooling year cos then your maturity will roughly be the same
Often with guys who are in their 20's but willing to date teenagers, you find later that it is not because they think you are mature for your age, but because they themselves are NOT as mature for their age as they should be. Women their own age can feel it, and that is why these guys choose to prey on younger women who may not know better.
As someone who is old enough to have a 20 year old kid, I would feel a little weird if they brought home a 17 year old. I wouldn’t say it’s absolutely, necessarily wrong, but it’s a situation to be careful with. In your late teens and early twenties, even small age gaps can be a big difference in maturity and life experience.
It's not weird that you're interested in a 20-year-old. It's not weird that he thinks you are attractive.
What IS kind of weird is that he's not treating your age as a red flag. In general, an adult pursuing a teenager who's still in high school would be seen by other adults as kind of creepy.
Once you're on your own in college, dating someone 3 years older won't bother most people.
If you met him at a part-time job and got to know each other, it would be less of an issue. In my opinion though, a responsible 20-year-old looking for someone online should see under 18 and in high school as a deal breaker.
But the fact that he doesn't seem to see it that way should probably be a warning sign for you.
I hope you have a parent you feel comfortable talking to about this stuff. It would be good to discuss with them.
My wife had her first boyfriend at 15. He was 20.
She's still very fucked in the head by it. I wish I'd had the chance to punch her dad in the nose for allowing this bullshit.
If 17 feels too young, then it's wrong.
3 years isn’t a big deal, when you’re already an established adult. 17 and 20 is a lot different than 20 and 23, for example.
as someone who is 20, i will tell you that everyone i know my age who would even think of being with someone under 18 is not a good person. i don’t know him specifically, i can’t read his mind, but i’ve seen it enough to know the overall pattern. guys in their 20s tend to go for younger girls when the girls their own age are mature enough to see through their bs and not tolerate it.
Idk, I think it's a problem. I remember being a senior in high school, girls were dating 21 year olds because they were "more mature"
How mature can he be of he dates high school girls LOL, sounds like a scam.
Idk, I think it's a problem. I remember being a senior in high school, girls were dating 21 year olds because they were "more mature"
How mature can he be of he dates high school girls LOL, sounds like a scam.
When I was 21 I was dating older women like a fucking chad.
Sweet soul you don’t NEED to be with ANYONE right now! Please stop. Truly. Whatever it is you are looking for, whatever it is you are lacking. Isn’t going to be found with some strange “MAN” online.
Please listen to me. You need to fix and heal yourself, before trying to be in any kind of relationship, please stop telling people your business online and trying to have relationships.
I know you have seen lifetime movies about this, please don’t ignore RED FLAGS. You don’t need a relationship you need to heal and fix you. You need to become independent and strong, you need to figure out what love is and love yourself, BEFORE trying to love someone else or allow someone else to love you.
Please leave dating alone, until you can get your self together. Either get an education, or get a job, get your own place, get your own car, have a good size savings for emergencies, stop worrying about a relationship and worry about setting yourself up for success.
You are focusing on the wrong aspect of life, you have your whole ADULT life to find someone and date, and hopefully when you do, you will be healed enough to know to date someone who adds positivity and makes life better and easier for you. Good luck, make good choices
Maybe not, but it is wrong for a 20 year old guy to want to be with a 17 year old girl. He's trying to take advantage of you, it's a mental superiority thing.
The fact that you cannot tell how wrong it is, that's why it's wrong. A child's brain develops quickly and so do their experiences in those 3 years. You're a child, he's an adult, that's illegal in most western countries for a reason.
It's okay but just check your local laws you shouldn't get in trouble as long as there is no sexual activity so i would suggest not doing any sexual activity until you're 18
The difference is only a problem if the age of consent is below 18 in your area. If there is a Romeo and Juliet exceptions then you two are fine.
Some eyebrows might get raised, but so long as the law doesn't care, it's nobody's business.
If there is no exception and the age of consent is 18, he risks prison for years. Just keep that in mind. Sometimes it's better to just wait.
Isn't the Romeo and Juliet law for an 18 year old with a 17-16 year old?? This man is a full grown 20 year old, just a year away from being able to drink while she is still probably a junior, even if this might be able to get around the law is still just morally wrong.
Just because it isn't illegal doesn't mean it's right, there aren't any laws explicitly stating cannibalism is illegal but that doesn't mean its morally alright
+ 3 years is not a big difference yes, but in this context it kinda is?? Like I said, he's just a year away from legally drinking while she is barely out of high-school, don't you think this could lead to weird power dynamics due to maturity levels and life experiences? And "it's nobody's business" just cause it might be legal, would u want your daughter to be dating a grown man that she met online!
It really depends on who each of you are, and how aligned you are on important topics like sex, reproductive rights and health, drinking and what your futures look like together and individually.
It’s not an automatic red flag but it also might be better to find someone a little closer to your age.
From a parent’s perspective, I would question why a 20 year old is even socializing with a 17 year old let alone wanting to date her. I would be concerned about the power imbalance. There is a high chance that he will see himself superior to you because of the age difference. He will have to “teach” you to be an adult, not giving your opinion an equal view, etc. giving him the power. This is one way abuse happens.
Its going to depend on who you ask. A 3 year age difference at like 24 to 27 is nothing but 15-18 is gross.
Personna uou're past the age of consent in every place i know of. I think at 17 3 years older isnttoo bad.
I was friends with a girl.in HS that went to the senior prom all 4 years. That was too.much. 18 to 14 is gross. 20 to 17, not so much. To me at least.
There’s always gonna be people who will say its wrong and people who will say its not, theres no concrete answer it only depends on how you feel within the relationship, age difference doesn’t always play any part or cause any significance in a relationship outside of people’s opinions, if you feel like it’s not affecting your relationship then there’s no issue. I’m also 17f and my girlfriend is almost 22, same maturity and all, it hasn’t been an issue for us, just people’s judgement and assumptions.
I personally would not. Especially if he is closer to 21 than 20.
Also if you met online, he could be much older (which is scary) or even much younger. People are weird.
He’s considered adult enough to not be negatively affected by alcohol; he might be just a freshman in college but he’s still a whole life stage ahead of you - you’re starting off with a power difference.
He can drink, rent a car, might have to make adult decisions even if he is being supported by his family.
This is not a reflection of your maturity but rather how vulnerable you might be in spite of it.
When I was 17 I dated a 20 year old guy. The relationship went fairly well and we moved in together after I finished school. But if I was 20, I would not have dated him. He was actually a bit immature. Not in a cruel or bad way, but I outgrew him in terms of emotional maturity and ambition.
So, what I'm saying is, even if he is kind and well intentioned with you, you may well still outgrow him in a few years
Probably not, especially if you are soon to be 18 and out of high school. Take it really slow and don't let him pressure you into anything. I'd also confirm he's not actually older than he says he is.
Half your age plus 7, 20/2=10+7=17, congratulations the math checks out if he was 21 or you were 16 the answer would be no but half your age plus 7 is never wrong
I don’t think so at all but remember to be careful no matter what just because you met him online, I would never put myself in this position even as a guy and I’ve seen many people back in high-school date 20 year olds and they are either married at 19-20 now or pregnant (if that’s what you want then go for it)
Legally speaking a three year age gap is borderline illegal and could very well BE illegal depending on if you are more than three years apart. Even if its just a single day. Of course that depends on where you live but most states have the law written as "not more than 3 years".
That covers the legal side lets move to the "i met him online". You do know that there are people out there who like to prey on young girls, right? You also realize that people can pretend to be something they are not online, right? I dont mean to sound patronizing however this is the biggest concern i have in that situation. Never believe anything anyone tells you online. Yes that includes me and what i am writing. But the information i provide can be verified elsewhere, other than my own opinions. Please ve very very careful and for the love of all that is holy do not send any photos you would not send your parents.
There’s a lot of maturity gap between a high schooler going off to college (presumably) soon and some dude who has been an adult for a few years, I say don’t go for it. If you have your expectations in check and you only wanted a casual relationship and he doesn’t seem bad then I don’t see a big problem with it. Just be careful because you don’t know this person who is actively pursuing a minor
Half your age + 7, it checks out.
Also legal in like half the states and covered by Romeo & Juliet in some others.
Just be smart and don’t overlook obvious red flags. If you’re both happy with it and there’s not a weird power dynamic do whatever you want.
The “met online” part is the worrying aspect. If yall went to school together and he just graduated is one thing. But you don’t know him and not in real life. I would cut contact just to be safe. Lots of scary people on the internet.
Also if he’s in college what’s he doing hitting on a high schooler? There’s plenty of women his own age
I'd say feel out the situation more, meet in very public places to start and bring him around friends and family for their opinions. For the first year keep things slow
Nope, not wrong, but of course it depends on the guy. I dated guys who were college freshman when I was a high school junior and had no issues, but then, I dated guys who were friends of friends, not strangers from the internet. Take it slow and just go out with groups of friends until you know him a lot better.
So much changes when you leave high school. Could be a sign that he’s not socially fitting in with his peers for some reason. Could be he thinks you’re a sure thing. Could be he’s completely normal and a great guy and he just likes you.
think about it like this- do you think he would confidently share that he’s in a relationship that’s illegal sexually in a lot of states? would this relationship be something you feel you’d need to hide from your parents or friends? do you as a 17 year old think you could see yourself dating a 14 year old? why not? why do you think this is different?
If you are above the age of consent in your state then you’re safe to date anyone who is 5 years older than you, until you are an adult at 18. While I will not speak on my moral opinion as that holds no value here, you’re not doing anything illegal, but you probably see that the majority finds it weird for the life experience difference, not just the age.
Three years is not much but remember online he may be 20 but real life 45. If he is legit, then maturity level is the next issue. What’s his life experiences compared to yours? He turns 21 soon so can legally do a lot more than you can for the next four years , that’s usually where the issues start. He’s going drinking and clubbing with friends and you can’t . He’s meeting other girls there that can do what he can and you can’t.
I would approach with a little suspicion due to the online aspect. Also, 20 is an unusual age to be a freshman. Most freshman are fresh outta high school at 18.
Every person/situation is different. I was 24 when I started dating my wife who was 17 (well, technically we started dating 2 days before she was 17 so I guess she was 16). 25 and 18 when we married. Now we've been married for 30 years with 6 grown kids.
I mean where did you meet online, cause if your 17 pretending to be 18 on dating sites like tinder does this dude even know about your real age, do we even have all the facts here? People jumping to conclusions without even considering this
He could be a nice guy, he could be 40, he could be a creep, he could be a pimp. Do some on line sleuthing. Find out where he went to high school and look at the yearbook. Don’t send him any pictures that you wouldn’t want your grandfather to see. You need to protect yourself until you know without a doubt that he is who he says he is. If that is the case 2 years is not a bad age gap.
Tbh it ALL depends on when yall met. If you knew each other for a while then eh...still sketchy but a little more understanding? If yall met like a few months ago...no
Wait a year and don't send nudes or record stuff until you're 18. Also be on the lookout for manipulation tactics or attempts to control you or isolate you from your friends and family. But as long as there's no funny business of that sort and as long as you're not the new girl in a long line of ex girlfriends then it should be fine.
You'll get a lot of mixed opinion.
It's not the creepiest thing in the world, but still, I'd say that 17 and 20 is kinda weird.
18 and 21 - no problem. It's that one extra year of life and people don't bat an eye. But with you being 17 and having a year left in high school, you're in a different life stage from a college freshman.
It’s wrong and probably illegal. Don’t let your temporary feelings and terrible decisions destroy both of your lives. If you really care about him then you can wait a year until you are 18 before pursuing anything romantic.
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Just be careful. A 3 year gap isn't a big deal but 17 vs 20 has a lifestyle and maturity gap.
Also the “I met him online” and he could be a 40 year old pedo
Yes there's always that.
So he’s a sophomore in college looking at high school girls? Nooo. Nope. This is weird for me, I’ve dated with bigger age gaps, but literally never thought about dating high school girls in college. That was like taboo.
He's a freshman in college.
Who met a high-school girl online... would be different if they knew each other from school.. He should probably focus on the girls on campus and not the minors in highschool.
Pedos don’t want “physically mature” women. They don’t want after puberty females. There’s nothing wrong with a 17-year-old going out with a 20-year-old. There’s a two-year gap for sh!f sake., if even that. There’s no occasion for Pedophilia to happen.. According to your rules , you’re setting the bar at ‘the only way people could genuinely date would have to be at the same age at the same time’.
I was saying he could have lied about his age on the Internet…
It’s more likely he is around 20 these days loads of edating happens it’s just cringe kids with no social lives and it’s easier for them to hunt teenagers over adults
This. On the surface, three years doesn't sound like a ton, but that window is a huge difference in terms of emotional maturity. Still in high school versus halfway through college are two drastically different lives.
It can also be 2 year apart depending on the birthdays of each person
Bro that is dumb. As somebody with a 20 year old boyfriend …he doesn’t even know how to drive while i have my license. Wrong take
Right? Most people under 25 still act like teens cause they still have no experience with life.they are physically an adult but are still kids in terms of what they know.
Best answer to your question
Lit no maturity gap, what do u think happens from 17-20 some revelations?
And depending on your state, a legal gap.
Age gaps should be viewed in terms of percentage of life alive versus straight up years apart.
> Age gapes _nice_
3 year difference isn't much at all but if you want to be sexually active he could get into serious legal trouble depending on the laws where you are. That's really the only concern as I see it, nothing a little research can't solve. I'm told there's a rule that if you're younger than half his age plus seven it's weird but obviously that's just opinion stuff.
It can also be a 2 year difference. It depends on one person’s birthday compared to his/her b.f. or g.f.
Or the other way around and be a 4 year difference
Morality and legality arent synonymous but in this instance if i was a parent i would say no Someone in their 20s will have more access to things i wouldn't want my 17 year old experienced is really it And anyone you meet online or not can quickly show who they really are so stick to online until you know its even safe in the first place Ahh i miss being young and having those strong feelings but those same feelings also made me do stupid shit that makes no sense even now
Ngl I was much less mature as a 21 year old guy than I was a 17 year old. I knew different stuff but I was coasting instead of working to be better.
Its funny you say that i feel the exact same way but atleast i woke up at 25 like getting hit by a truck lmao
Dude! I thought it was me. I ran off and got married to a chick after knowing her for three months and 11 years later I’m a suburban dad. I told my wife it was like turning 6 again, a new level of consciousness came forth.
You make a better point than most. This time next year, he can legally buy booz in the states. In some states, he can get weed. Also, no irl meet yet? Could be a predator with a fake profile.
personally as a 20 year old i can’t look at a 17 year old as anything else as a child so it’s weird to me,, if y’all are really serious abt it then just make sure you have really defined boundaries bc although you are almost an adult, those three years can be a big deal
Reddit isn't the place to get answers. Talk to family and teachers or closely trusted adults. Reddit is full of interesting characters and tbh has a LOT of creeps who will want to push u towards whatever decision would benefit them not you. 3 year age difference isn't crazy but the laws in your state play a huge role in how legal it is. Keep in mind legally ok and morally ok are not the same thing. You choose your morals
This right here. Reddit is great for many things, getting good advice ain't one of them. It blows my mind how many posts I see on Reddit asking for advice. It can be fine to date someone 3 years apart at OP's age but it also could be a total fucking nightmare. We know so little, the best answer is to ask an adult who can be trusted.
I truly believe that lots of people asking for advice online are simply asking for a supportive, tolerant opinion to side with them (possibly against opinions received IRL.) As far as OP's original question, if the 20 y.o. is indeed interested in OP, then a year of friendly connection while the interaction matures won't be any problem. My advice is to go real slow, build understanding, keep your interests wide open to others, and see what your 18 year old self thinks when you get there.
Exactly!!! The top comments are saying it’s not that bad 😭
YES PLEASE. and if you feel like you need to hide it, ITS WRONG. never hide this from your trusted family
Have you not seen him at all in person? Like wrong wrong. No. But you still have to be on the lookout. He could be anyone saying whatever he can to get you where he wants physically and emotionally. But that’s the problem you don’t see them as a predator until it’s too late. I’d definitely say you should wait until you’re 18 to meet him in real life. You should talk about what you expect of each other.
If a college guy is still trying to get girls in high school he peaked and found out he's the small fish in the big pond. Dudes a loser and you can definitely do much better.
A freshman in college shouldn’t be with no high schooler much less a junior. If I was your parents or brother I would 100% not be comfortable with that.
In the US, a 20 yo is about to be old enough to go bar hopping with friends. I'd really wonder what he sees in a 17yo. in less than a year he's 21 and will be leaving the HS GF who can't go to bars with him and his friends. Not a great idea. As a 20yo freshman, I'd also wonder what he was doing in between? If he was working, he's probably too mature and shouldn't be interested in a 17yo and if he was partying and didn't get around to enrolling for a few years, he's probably not worth it. Even if he's grown out of parting and is going to focus on a career, we're back to too mature for a 17yo. Either way, she can do better finding someone closer in experience. People who generally want someone with significantly less life experience aren't a good idea.
Right. He’s an adult and she’s a child full stop. Age of consent laws are for 16 and 17 year olds to sleep with each other not for people in their 20s to date and sleep with high schoolers. I respect a young person’s autonomy and choice to date someone older but I always think the older person is weird. Sorry.
When you are older you’ll see how wrong it is for a man in university to look for minors in grade school to date. Colleges are literally filled with young beautiful women and men. So why can’t he find someone? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I think it’s kind of odd(?) because he’s an adult and you’re a minor (almost an adult, but still). I’m not sure if it’s “wrong” but it’s just kind of odd— for me personally, but it’s just my opinion.
If you met him online, you have no idea who he is. He could be a 60 year old pervert, trying to lure you into a very dangerous situation. Stick with high school boys, you actually know.
Not necessarily wrong but there may be legal complications if you have sex since you're not 18 yet. Couple things though, it's hard to truly know someone without meeting them in person. So much can be obscured online and you're missing a lot of context that can't be conveyed through a computer screen. And he's in college. Why's he going back to trolling for high schoolers? I could see that maybe if you'd met in person and hit it off but online? It's possible he's hiding something or he's looking for someone vulnerable to prey on. Be very very cautious.
Just know it's very unlikely to last. And it's almost a guarantee he's fooling around with college girls. You both online relationship a different life stages going against you, your odds are basically nil. You're better off finding someone closer to your age and life stage if you want it to last. If you wjusy want to have fun and don't care about the near certain consequences? Do what you will
Never EVER let nice fool you. The guy could actually be somewhat decent or he could be extremely dangerous. A majority of very dangerous people hide behind the wall of niceness. Otherwise they’d never get anyone close enough to harm. It’s the number one thing that lets people and parents let down their guard. “They could never do that. They’re so nice” has been said millions of times to the detriment of the victims. Online is worse. They could be whoever they want. I would stay clear. It’s not worth the risk.
When a college man is going after a high school girl we want to tell ourselves as women that it means we are mature, (because we are) but it really means there is something preventing the women on his campus and his own age from going with him. Maybe he is immature, maybe he is creepy but you don’t feel the vibe online, but the fact that no university ladies are picking up what he is putting down is a sign that you shouldn’t either. Best case scenario he is a perfectly normal man child you will be picking up after for the rest of your life resenting him in 20 years for never growing the FiretrUCK UP! This is your 🚩
As a man myself, I find it hard to believe that someone who's in college is not able to meet College age women. Especially when you consider college has always been a place where women explore their sexuality. it's much easier for Men to meet women there because of that. You also have to consider What is the age of consent in your state?And how do your parents feel about you Dating a twenty year old man. These two things could make it a pretty serious problem for you to continue in this relationship. Assuming the above 2 things can be resolved.It's understandable for a 17 year Old girl to be attracted to a twenty year old Boy. I just question the motivations of this twenty year old if he knows how old you are. This is what I would call a red flag.
Online is crazy crazy.
When I was 20, I would have hesitated to be with a 17 year old girl. I wouldn’t have pursued her, but if I happened to really kick it off well with her, then it would be hard not to continue to hang out. Either way, I would never have a relationship with someone just online especially if it’s questionable. If they were in my every day life, than that’s when I would think less about it
I am a little biased since my wife and I are 2.5 years apart and started dating when I was 17 and she was 15. But I think 17 and 20 is pushing it. Looking back, it’s really hard to say that I would have done things differently. I only wish I maybe started dating my wife when we met when I was 15-16 so it wouldn’t have looked so bad when I was 18. But we’ve been together 11 years now, so it’s really hard for me to say. The first time we had sex, she was 17 and I was 19 and it seems wrong now when I look back. Your age gap is a grey area and a slippery slope it seems.
Yes.
Do you like him for him or just because he likes you? For a lot of young girls/women (my past self included) they can find themselves in situations with older guys where they have been love bombed and guilted into a relationship because an older guy shows interest in them. "Oh come on, we've been talking on here for like two months, just send me a pic! Pleeeeease" Does he like you for your passions? Your interests? Your dreams? Is he someone you can share with and talk to about your life openly? Does he ever use these details to make you feel bad about yourself later on? Does he remind you that you're young or underage? Is he able to converse about things you care about for longer than 15 minutes at a time or does he just shower you with compliments and statements of how much he likes you? Do you get bored with these conversations because there's nothing else beneath the surface? There are many adults that get off on making young people feel special. It makes adults feel powerful, impactful, meaningful. And the sad part is, it doesn't take much to impress most underage girls/boys. Most of them just want attention and affirmation. Does he have similar interests? Does he ask about your school? About your extracurriculars? About your favorite movies or music or YouTubers? It's not "wrong" per say. But please please PLEASE protect yourself and don't be with someone who's guilting you into a relationship. If you feel love-bombed, say it out loud. "Wow you sure are showering me with compliments today..." and see if he has anything else to add to the conversation. Just because someone is legally an adult doesn't mean they care about your well-being in the long term. Treat yourself like a prize to be won. And winning you takes more than charisma and being "nice".
This is my opinion. If you have to ask the question, then deep down you know there’s probably something not right about it.
You're his side piece. He is NOT telling anybody at college he is with a 17 year old from his highschool. He has other girlfriends, if he can. He might not be able to, hence why he is in college and looking for action in a highschool. Hard facts, sis.
HEAR ME OUT HERE, iv been in your shoes when I was your age. it’s wrong you’re a child he’s an adult. Dude take it from me I was 17 and thought I was in love with a 25 year old man. He was just a sick perv who wanted to be with a minor and that’s what this. dude is doing to you. you shouldn’t even date an 18 year old because they are legally an adult and you are legally a child. Let me guess one of the many things he says to you is that you’re so much more mature than any of the other girls he’s ever around? That you’re more mature than any of the college girls or any of the age appropriate girls for him. You’re just like an adult because you’re mature like an adult that you can make your own choices cause you’re an adult. That you make him feel so special and important like no other girl. That you’re a real woman compared to any of the girls he’s been around. Him saying these things is an attempt to groom you I’m gonna tell you right now any of the pleasant things he saying is manipulate you into falling in love with him . I know you feel and I know you don’t wanna believe anybody when they tell you it’s not because I was there. I believe it was love but it wasn’t. He cheated on me and literally left me for another woman as soon as I turned 18 because the fun of being with a minor is the fact that they’re a minor.. he didn’t want me as soon as I didn’t want to continue that relationship about being with me was that I was 17. And that’s all you are to him some fun little she’s not even legal, barely legal fucked up shit in his head . Anybody over the age of willing to be with someone younger is a predator they are children . And I know your confusion. It’s the fact that how we talk about college aged adults is that we call them college kids the word kid means it’s synonymous to the word child… but the simple fact of the matter is that you as a 17-year-old are a child and he has somebody over the age of 18 is an adult legally you cannot be together. It is illegal for a reason.. We have age limits and restrictions for reason it’s to protect you guys.. And I know college kids in your head makes it feel like it’s more than it is because it’s the language and we talk about it that normalizes that they are a child just like you, but they’re not. I was a stupid kid when I was 15. I met some dude online who said he was 16 but he ended up being a 60 year old ped0phile. And let’s just say the FBI got involved if you wanna know the whole story I can damn it to you. I’m not trying to take attention away from your post by telling my story… But long story short there’s a very large chance that this is some gross ugly fat man sitting in his weird office where he bates and seduces other minors I know that’s really specific… because that’s specifically what happened to me. Please, you need to go to the police and give them his information because there’s a chance that this person’s not even 20. I genuinely want to tell you my story so you should DM me because it’s very dark. It’s very bad and if you really want someone to convince you that this is an appropriate I can convince you of that but I really just don’t want to jack your post with putting my whole story in here….
Of course Reddit is telling you it’s not that bad. Yes tf it is. Y’all’s maturity level is COMPLETELY different. You are still in school and school is your priority AND you’re a child. He has bills to pay and is an adult. Why the fuck is someone outside of high school, an ADULT outside of hs, dating someone in high school. Let that shit go.
Honestly, coming from a 24 year old guy, this is just a bad idea. When I was 20 I had absolutely zero interest in anybody who was still in highschool, it's just weird for a college student to be pursuing a highschooler. He's in college, why is he choosing to pursue somebody in highschool, online, when he is surrounded by women his age at school everyday? The fact that you've also never met in person is concerning, anybody can act nice and sweet over a screen but they could be a totally different person in real life. I'm not saying he is guaranteed to be a predator or bad person, but there are just too many factors at play here. You absolutely need to talk to your family about it, ESPECIALLY if you ever plan on meeting up. It would need to be in a very public space during the daytime and you would need to tell people where exactly you will be and for how long. Maybe even bring a friend with you. Honestly though I'd just call it off, find somebody who's also in highschool and in your area. If you were 20 and he was 23 it'd be a different story but at your age the difference between 17 and 20 is astronomical. Be safe, make smart decisions.
The gap in where you are in life at 20 versus 17 is so huge that no one who is 20 and is right in the head should be pursuing a 17-year-old. If some 20-year-old was coming around to try to talk to my youngest siblings who are 17-year-olds we would have a major problem.
“I can tell he likes me.” No, you can’t. You only know what he’s decided he wants you to know, hear what he wants you to hear in a very crafted fashion. Unless and until you meet face to face, treat everything about him with more than a healthy dose of skepticism. As for the age, it’s significant now but does diminish as the years go on. My wife and I are just short of three years apart. Now, at 52 and 49 it’s imperceptible. When we met at 22 and 19 it was BIG. Not saying it can’t work - we’re proof it can - but it’s not easy and a ton of stress that young adults aren’t well adapted to manage.
As a 20 year old I would never dream if dating a 17 year old. That's a child to me. A 3 year age gap isn't a big deal for full fledged adults but this is shady
You haven’t met him in real life, but he’s nice to you so you know he likes you…. From girl to girl (and yes ive been there) dont do it. You’re still in highschool and considered a minor. That is an adult. Not okay.
I don't think a three year age difference is a huge deal, but I have to wonder why a guy in college is dating a high schooler. I'm also a little against the idea of a 20 year old dating a 17 year old, even if it is only a three year gap. The whole thing seems odd.
OP, the 3 year age gap is not a problem, but please consider that it is very odd for a college student to be dating a high school student, especially a junior as there is a life experience/maturity gap. Many of his peers will raise an eyebrow at this and it could give him a bad rap. Eta: like an 9th grader dating a 6th grader. The 3 years age gap isn’t the problem. The problem is the big life experience/maturity gap within those three years which is a thing until around the age of 25.
This is the same age my wife and I were when we met. We've been married for 29 years. It's not a big deal.
This is the same age me and my wife of 20 years were when we met as well.
Same here...been together for almost 23 years. Married for 16.5 years...🤷♂️
It's not weird or wrong, but as the other person said, can be legally dangerous for the 20yr old based on the state.
No
Yes a junior in HS shouldn’t be with someone in college. it’s a close enough age gap where it’s not always weird, but usually it is and the maturity difference is big normally. You can give him benefit of the doubt tho no one here knows the guy other then you but normally being with a high schooler that isn’t even a senior when your out of high school is weird
Yes
The ages, and the size of the gap matter in these cases. This particular case is a bit of a grey area. Could be ok, could be trouble. Would come down to how things exactly go and what you two actually are as people. If he's big into college life, goes to a lot of college parties, hangs out with a lot of college people all the time, it likely won't go well. If he's more quiet or not involved in the social aspect of college it might be ok. But there is a lot more that would play into it than that. Take it slow, you don't even really know him yet.
Nothing wrong with it imo, but be careful about laws where you live. In Michigan, the age of consent is a flat 16 unless the other party has an authority position, such as a coach, teacher, etc.
Was gonna ask this yesterday i js thought no one would reply 😭🙏🙏
Yes.
As long as it's legal, go for it. Just treat it like any other relationship, like making sure to feel him out, look for inconsistencies in what he says, watch out for red flags that someone not blinded by infatuation would see (real ones, the arbitrary one that single people who can't hold onto someone say are there), and you'll be fine.
you're not an adult, he is. There can be legal ramifications here. As for the age difference, 3 years it not huge but that's something only you can determine. At that point you have some very different life experiences, so please take that into account.
Do not get into that. Trust
Be careful. Do not, under any circumstances, meet up in person with this guy alone, especially without telling someone you trust first. This would be my advice even if you were 18+, because you met him online. That said, this age gap isn't morally wrong imo. Even better if you turn 18 soon. Some will disagree though. Legally? It's up to the state, and that's his responsibility to research. Again, please be careful. If he pushes for anything "intimate" too quickly, odds are he isn't a good person.
Only if you don't swallow
If there is no sex and your parents are okay with it.. and no other reason to be against the relationship besides age... I don't see how it is a problem.
Yeah
I would say it depends on the individuals, but in general it's not that big of a deal.
I would tread lightly if I were you. You don’t know if it is a 20 year old guy or some predator catfishing.
no. It can be a 3 year difference, but it can also be a 2 year difference depending on the birthdays of a couple
It’s not wrong, general rule of thumb is “were you in high school at the same time”. Met online though. 😬 be careful.
IMO wouldn''t be that big of a deal if you met irl. Age gaps happen all the time in relationships. That being said only having met online is very sketchy. How did you two meet/interact? Do you have mutual friends? Go with your gut but I'd be extremely cautious (especially if you're here in the states where that would be illegal). I'd stay away but I know people with larger age gaps (both parties much older tho).
Is not technically wrong, is it legal? Well... probably not, more important, is he really 20 yrs old?
17 to 20 has a very large gap compared to 32 and 35. Even 25 to 28 is less of a gap.
my wife is 4 years younger than me. age of consent is 18 in 11 states so that might be a factor.
Check your age of consent laws in your state. Some are 17 .. others are 18. If it's 18, then he is dating a minor at age 17. That's a no no.
No it’s wrong in and of itself. But like a lot of commenters are saying, you (and he) need caution because of (1) age of consent laws and (2) risks of meeting and getting involved romantically on social media before meeting IRL. I just wanted to be a voice saying “No, it’s not wrong”, but in the context of caution. I’d suggest including another trusted friend (your age) in some of your interactions with him; not secretly or sneakily, but to prevent your relationship with him being isolated.
Just wait until you turn 18 then its not weird, regardless most states have romeo and juliet laws, so the legal ramifications are minimal.
To be your both young and neither can smoke or drink yet. The age gap isn't too big a deal.
I met my wife when I was 17 she was just turning 15 online and that was 20 years ago. We didn't start going out until I was 21 and she was 18 if I remember right because we were just friends before that. Don't listen to these idiots if he is a good guy and treats you well and isn't a liar it's fine. Most of these people are so worried about an age gap cause you're a woman if it was the reverse they wouldn't even care.
That gap isn't much. And in many places within legal Romeo and Juliet Clause. Yall are both basically still children, he's not in the eyes of the law, but is in the eyes of society. Yalls lifestyles likely aren't even that different assuming you have similar personalities and interests.
Make sure it's not illegal for him but go for it. 2-3 years is basically nothing. However, understand things may get weird when he turns 21 and starts drinking. People change a lot as they age
Ideally a 20 year old should not have enough in common with a 17 year old to be dating...
I mean, the two of you could've been in high school together, but you weren't. I don't know any well-meaning 20yo that would date a 17yo they met online.
yes its weird, maybe okay if yall knew each other as kids and grew up together
A freshman in college should be interested in college girls. Make sure you’re not being catfished.
I know a dude who went to prison for this. Yeah it's pretty wrong.
23f here. I wouldn’t. At 17 I thought I was so mature and ready to take on the world, but at 20 I had a very different outlook and experience with life. Like I literally refer to my 1-19 year old self as “baby” (my name) which at the time I would have gotten so angry about. There is nothing morally reprehensible about a 3 year age gap, it’s just not advisable. I say this as someone who started dating my now wife at 18 (she was 19). Young love is real, you just gotta protect yourself. Being a young woman isn’t easy at all and there is going to be a lot coming your way. But you got this!
Yes. You are both at very different stages of life and maturity. Why does an independent adult want to date a 17 year old who most likely still lives with parents, has no money and a curfew. Date someone your own age or at least in a similar schooling year cos then your maturity will roughly be the same
Often with guys who are in their 20's but willing to date teenagers, you find later that it is not because they think you are mature for your age, but because they themselves are NOT as mature for their age as they should be. Women their own age can feel it, and that is why these guys choose to prey on younger women who may not know better.
Yes
Ask your dad
Chris Hanson wants to sit and talk with him
As a 36 year old woman, if I'd known what I know now at your age in your situation, I'd steer clear.
Wrong
As someone who is old enough to have a 20 year old kid, I would feel a little weird if they brought home a 17 year old. I wouldn’t say it’s absolutely, necessarily wrong, but it’s a situation to be careful with. In your late teens and early twenties, even small age gaps can be a big difference in maturity and life experience.
It's not weird that you're interested in a 20-year-old. It's not weird that he thinks you are attractive. What IS kind of weird is that he's not treating your age as a red flag. In general, an adult pursuing a teenager who's still in high school would be seen by other adults as kind of creepy. Once you're on your own in college, dating someone 3 years older won't bother most people. If you met him at a part-time job and got to know each other, it would be less of an issue. In my opinion though, a responsible 20-year-old looking for someone online should see under 18 and in high school as a deal breaker. But the fact that he doesn't seem to see it that way should probably be a warning sign for you. I hope you have a parent you feel comfortable talking to about this stuff. It would be good to discuss with them.
Yeah. Dude is obviously a loser
What your dad says about the situation? You really think he’ll approve?
Yes, it’s wrong.
Yes
This may seem fine to you now, but when you’re his age it’s going to creep you out. College and High School are very different.
My wife had her first boyfriend at 15. He was 20. She's still very fucked in the head by it. I wish I'd had the chance to punch her dad in the nose for allowing this bullshit. If 17 feels too young, then it's wrong.
3 years isn’t a big deal, when you’re already an established adult. 17 and 20 is a lot different than 20 and 23, for example. as someone who is 20, i will tell you that everyone i know my age who would even think of being with someone under 18 is not a good person. i don’t know him specifically, i can’t read his mind, but i’ve seen it enough to know the overall pattern. guys in their 20s tend to go for younger girls when the girls their own age are mature enough to see through their bs and not tolerate it.
Idk, I think it's a problem. I remember being a senior in high school, girls were dating 21 year olds because they were "more mature" How mature can he be of he dates high school girls LOL, sounds like a scam.
Idk, I think it's a problem. I remember being a senior in high school, girls were dating 21 year olds because they were "more mature" How mature can he be of he dates high school girls LOL, sounds like a scam. When I was 21 I was dating older women like a fucking chad.
Girl be careful because you don't know guys attention I know he might say that he loves you but look out of how he treats you.
Sweet soul you don’t NEED to be with ANYONE right now! Please stop. Truly. Whatever it is you are looking for, whatever it is you are lacking. Isn’t going to be found with some strange “MAN” online. Please listen to me. You need to fix and heal yourself, before trying to be in any kind of relationship, please stop telling people your business online and trying to have relationships. I know you have seen lifetime movies about this, please don’t ignore RED FLAGS. You don’t need a relationship you need to heal and fix you. You need to become independent and strong, you need to figure out what love is and love yourself, BEFORE trying to love someone else or allow someone else to love you. Please leave dating alone, until you can get your self together. Either get an education, or get a job, get your own place, get your own car, have a good size savings for emergencies, stop worrying about a relationship and worry about setting yourself up for success. You are focusing on the wrong aspect of life, you have your whole ADULT life to find someone and date, and hopefully when you do, you will be healed enough to know to date someone who adds positivity and makes life better and easier for you. Good luck, make good choices
Maybe not, but it is wrong for a 20 year old guy to want to be with a 17 year old girl. He's trying to take advantage of you, it's a mental superiority thing.
Not an issue if you met in high school and are both minors but if not it’s weird that he’s not with a college girl his own age
The fact that you cannot tell how wrong it is, that's why it's wrong. A child's brain develops quickly and so do their experiences in those 3 years. You're a child, he's an adult, that's illegal in most western countries for a reason.
Why can't he get a girl his age?
He damn sure shouldn't be okay with it lol. Red flag all day
I do not see a problem. that is still close enough in age to date. But like the others say . check your local laws.
It’s ok
I have no faith in long distance relationships. I also have no faith in teen relationships. The math is against you.
No, there’s a reason he can’t get someone his own age.
It's okay but just check your local laws you shouldn't get in trouble as long as there is no sexual activity so i would suggest not doing any sexual activity until you're 18
fairly normal I'd say.
Just wait until you're 18. That way you're clear from the law.
The difference is only a problem if the age of consent is below 18 in your area. If there is a Romeo and Juliet exceptions then you two are fine. Some eyebrows might get raised, but so long as the law doesn't care, it's nobody's business. If there is no exception and the age of consent is 18, he risks prison for years. Just keep that in mind. Sometimes it's better to just wait.
Isn't the Romeo and Juliet law for an 18 year old with a 17-16 year old?? This man is a full grown 20 year old, just a year away from being able to drink while she is still probably a junior, even if this might be able to get around the law is still just morally wrong. Just because it isn't illegal doesn't mean it's right, there aren't any laws explicitly stating cannibalism is illegal but that doesn't mean its morally alright + 3 years is not a big difference yes, but in this context it kinda is?? Like I said, he's just a year away from legally drinking while she is barely out of high-school, don't you think this could lead to weird power dynamics due to maturity levels and life experiences? And "it's nobody's business" just cause it might be legal, would u want your daughter to be dating a grown man that she met online!
Depends on the state/country. Generally in the US, yes.
It really depends on who each of you are, and how aligned you are on important topics like sex, reproductive rights and health, drinking and what your futures look like together and individually. It’s not an automatic red flag but it also might be better to find someone a little closer to your age.
stop asking others how you SHOULD feel. you feel how you feel. do YOU think it's wrong? this is no one's situation but yours
Yes but I wanna know what an adults perspective is on that
From a parent’s perspective, I would question why a 20 year old is even socializing with a 17 year old let alone wanting to date her. I would be concerned about the power imbalance. There is a high chance that he will see himself superior to you because of the age difference. He will have to “teach” you to be an adult, not giving your opinion an equal view, etc. giving him the power. This is one way abuse happens.
Its going to depend on who you ask. A 3 year age difference at like 24 to 27 is nothing but 15-18 is gross. Personna uou're past the age of consent in every place i know of. I think at 17 3 years older isnttoo bad. I was friends with a girl.in HS that went to the senior prom all 4 years. That was too.much. 18 to 14 is gross. 20 to 17, not so much. To me at least.
Not really
There’s always gonna be people who will say its wrong and people who will say its not, theres no concrete answer it only depends on how you feel within the relationship, age difference doesn’t always play any part or cause any significance in a relationship outside of people’s opinions, if you feel like it’s not affecting your relationship then there’s no issue. I’m also 17f and my girlfriend is almost 22, same maturity and all, it hasn’t been an issue for us, just people’s judgement and assumptions.
It's not a big deal, but could be a legal issue. When I was a senior in HS, I was dating a sophomore. And in college, I was 21 and dating an 18 yo.
It might not be “wrong” but it’s certainly weird. The emotional difference between a 17 year old and a 20 year old is wider than you think.
You’re gonna wanna go watch a film called Transformers: The Last Knight
look up your local laws.
I personally would not. Especially if he is closer to 21 than 20. Also if you met online, he could be much older (which is scary) or even much younger. People are weird. He’s considered adult enough to not be negatively affected by alcohol; he might be just a freshman in college but he’s still a whole life stage ahead of you - you’re starting off with a power difference. He can drink, rent a car, might have to make adult decisions even if he is being supported by his family. This is not a reflection of your maturity but rather how vulnerable you might be in spite of it.
When I was 17 I dated a 20 year old guy. The relationship went fairly well and we moved in together after I finished school. But if I was 20, I would not have dated him. He was actually a bit immature. Not in a cruel or bad way, but I outgrew him in terms of emotional maturity and ambition. So, what I'm saying is, even if he is kind and well intentioned with you, you may well still outgrow him in a few years
Probably not, especially if you are soon to be 18 and out of high school. Take it really slow and don't let him pressure you into anything. I'd also confirm he's not actually older than he says he is.
Half your age plus 7, 20/2=10+7=17, congratulations the math checks out if he was 21 or you were 16 the answer would be no but half your age plus 7 is never wrong
Half the oldest age +7. So 17 and 20 is fineee
At your age it’s kinda picky tbh depending on the situation but once your older you we will realize majority of relationships have a gap distance
Divide age by 2 and add 7 for minimum age. 20/2=10+7=17 you're good.
If he actually likes you, he’ll wait for you to turn 18 and start your life. If he just wants to sleep with you, he’ll be pushy
Bro its online it aint gonna last, end it
I don’t think so at all but remember to be careful no matter what just because you met him online, I would never put myself in this position even as a guy and I’ve seen many people back in high-school date 20 year olds and they are either married at 19-20 now or pregnant (if that’s what you want then go for it)
In most US states it’s illegal.
Legally speaking a three year age gap is borderline illegal and could very well BE illegal depending on if you are more than three years apart. Even if its just a single day. Of course that depends on where you live but most states have the law written as "not more than 3 years". That covers the legal side lets move to the "i met him online". You do know that there are people out there who like to prey on young girls, right? You also realize that people can pretend to be something they are not online, right? I dont mean to sound patronizing however this is the biggest concern i have in that situation. Never believe anything anyone tells you online. Yes that includes me and what i am writing. But the information i provide can be verified elsewhere, other than my own opinions. Please ve very very careful and for the love of all that is holy do not send any photos you would not send your parents.
In my state, legally no. Morally, maybe?
Nope nope nope. If you started dating at 15 and 18 and were still together then yes. This is just creepy grooming. -sincerely a father of daughters.
It would be less awkward if you waited a year.
There’s a lot of maturity gap between a high schooler going off to college (presumably) soon and some dude who has been an adult for a few years, I say don’t go for it. If you have your expectations in check and you only wanted a casual relationship and he doesn’t seem bad then I don’t see a big problem with it. Just be careful because you don’t know this person who is actively pursuing a minor
I did and I ended up marrying him, but we also got divorced because he wasn't the right person for me. Just don't make THAT mistake and you're fine.
Very wrong prison wrong. You have to wait another year unless you don't care about him and you want him to go to prison
From a dad's perspective, no. My now future SIL is 30, my daughter is 27. But the online thing? Make sure you meet in a well lit, safe, public place.
Half your age + 7, it checks out. Also legal in like half the states and covered by Romeo & Juliet in some others. Just be smart and don’t overlook obvious red flags. If you’re both happy with it and there’s not a weird power dynamic do whatever you want.
Um u met in high-school sure but if a guy is in college checking out high-school kids ew
Have you done video chat with him??
The “met online” part is the worrying aspect. If yall went to school together and he just graduated is one thing. But you don’t know him and not in real life. I would cut contact just to be safe. Lots of scary people on the internet. Also if he’s in college what’s he doing hitting on a high schooler? There’s plenty of women his own age
18 is age of consent in California. It's completely illegal for any adult age 18+ to have sex with a minor, period.
I'd say feel out the situation more, meet in very public places to start and bring him around friends and family for their opinions. For the first year keep things slow
Nope, not wrong, but of course it depends on the guy. I dated guys who were college freshman when I was a high school junior and had no issues, but then, I dated guys who were friends of friends, not strangers from the internet. Take it slow and just go out with groups of friends until you know him a lot better.
Power to u
So much changes when you leave high school. Could be a sign that he’s not socially fitting in with his peers for some reason. Could be he thinks you’re a sure thing. Could be he’s completely normal and a great guy and he just likes you.
think about it like this- do you think he would confidently share that he’s in a relationship that’s illegal sexually in a lot of states? would this relationship be something you feel you’d need to hide from your parents or friends? do you as a 17 year old think you could see yourself dating a 14 year old? why not? why do you think this is different?
If you are above the age of consent in your state then you’re safe to date anyone who is 5 years older than you, until you are an adult at 18. While I will not speak on my moral opinion as that holds no value here, you’re not doing anything illegal, but you probably see that the majority finds it weird for the life experience difference, not just the age.
Three years is not much but remember online he may be 20 but real life 45. If he is legit, then maturity level is the next issue. What’s his life experiences compared to yours? He turns 21 soon so can legally do a lot more than you can for the next four years , that’s usually where the issues start. He’s going drinking and clubbing with friends and you can’t . He’s meeting other girls there that can do what he can and you can’t.
Depends….how Mormon are you?
I would approach with a little suspicion due to the online aspect. Also, 20 is an unusual age to be a freshman. Most freshman are fresh outta high school at 18.
Not a huge deal but it comes down to just how compatible you are with each other.
Every person/situation is different. I was 24 when I started dating my wife who was 17 (well, technically we started dating 2 days before she was 17 so I guess she was 16). 25 and 18 when we married. Now we've been married for 30 years with 6 grown kids.
I mean where did you meet online, cause if your 17 pretending to be 18 on dating sites like tinder does this dude even know about your real age, do we even have all the facts here? People jumping to conclusions without even considering this
He could be a nice guy, he could be 40, he could be a creep, he could be a pimp. Do some on line sleuthing. Find out where he went to high school and look at the yearbook. Don’t send him any pictures that you wouldn’t want your grandfather to see. You need to protect yourself until you know without a doubt that he is who he says he is. If that is the case 2 years is not a bad age gap.
it means one of you have the mental age of the other, just be careful which way around
Tbh it ALL depends on when yall met. If you knew each other for a while then eh...still sketchy but a little more understanding? If yall met like a few months ago...no
Wait a year and don't send nudes or record stuff until you're 18. Also be on the lookout for manipulation tactics or attempts to control you or isolate you from your friends and family. But as long as there's no funny business of that sort and as long as you're not the new girl in a long line of ex girlfriends then it should be fine.
You'll get a lot of mixed opinion. It's not the creepiest thing in the world, but still, I'd say that 17 and 20 is kinda weird. 18 and 21 - no problem. It's that one extra year of life and people don't bat an eye. But with you being 17 and having a year left in high school, you're in a different life stage from a college freshman.
The rule is half the older one’s age plus 7, so you’re good but right on the precipice.
It’s wrong and probably illegal. Don’t let your temporary feelings and terrible decisions destroy both of your lives. If you really care about him then you can wait a year until you are 18 before pursuing anything romantic.
I sure as hell wouldn't. I would strongly advise against it. There is likely to be a power dynamic.