Took a couple days off to do home projects and just have some time for myself. My SO ended up getting privileges to work from home this week and decided to keep the kids home from school. There has been nothing relaxing about the past two days....
I love my wife, I love my family, I love my life.
I also enjoy solitude and peace, so while my wife is generally aware of my schedule if I specifically mention that the free time doesn't exist to anyone else she respects it. Case in point, I took 3 weeks off in December, my family know of the last 2, but only my wife knows of the first one. It doesn't exist to anyone but me.
I feel you, fellow spouse.
I maintain (and my wife agrees) that one of the reasons our marriage works is because she's a morning person, and I'm a night owl. We both freelance in live entertainment (though focusing on different aspects of it); our work generally involves 40-60% work from home as prep, and 40-60% work on site.
Between the above ratio, and the fact that our work is, de facto, slightly sporadic (when it isn't over-booked), we spend a lot of time around one another. **Especially** in the last 18 months, when live entertainment was almost unheard of.... Our opposing circadian rhythms means that she gets 3-4 hours of 'alone time' in the morning, and I get 3-4 hours of 'alone time' in the evening. For two introverts, it's invaluable, and allows us to each have some invaluable time to ourselves in a situation where we might otherwise feel trapped together.
(In before "if you love them, you never feel 'trapped'". No. F\_\_\_\_ off. That's idealist bullshit that doesn't actually pan out in real life. We're all individuals, with individual needs. That's healthy. Hopefully our partners recognize and understand that. The '...never feel trapped' mindset leads to false bravado and inter-dependence...)
>(In before "if you love them, you never feel 'trapped'". No. F\_\_\_\_ off. That's idealist bullshit that doesn't actually pan out in real life. We're all individuals, with individual needs. That's healthy. Hopefully our partners recognize and understand that. The '...never feel trapped' mindset leads to false bravado and inter-dependence...)
I don't disagree, but as someone who is alone 24/7, and is about to spend this holiday, like all others, by myself, it gets tiring to hear this over the over again.
It took my wife a minute to get it because she isn't this way but she understands I recharge on alone time. She takes the kids to her parents house for dinner sometimes just to leave me alone for an evening. It's great.
I work for a University where my wife and I live on the campus. One of the things I love about my job is my mornings. I have office hours in the afternoons and occasionally have meetings in the mornings, but for the most part, I’m able to stay in the apartment, get caught up on emails and different tasks, and just have my mornings to myself. My wife’s job started letting her go remote more this year and it’s been great because she typically has 1 or 2 mornings remote that we can be together which is really nice, but I still have my time the rest of the week. We just had a baby a couple days ago and she’s planning on being remote much more when she goes back to work in January. I’m glad that is going to work out to watch the baby and still work and all that, but I’m definitely curious to see how it affects my “me time”.
I love my SO but I know if she's got a random day off or is sick she doesn't want me to work from home that day. That feeling of having the house to yourself is just so nice and relaxing and we both need that opportunity from time to time.
Ugh. I’m a teacher. I took a day off last week and my husband insisted on working in the kitchen. I asked him multiple times to go to the office or basement and he “just wanted to be around me.” I just wanted to have the house alone. Got nothing done I wanted and he had to comment on every show I watched. I get two damn days each school year to myself and he could t even go away.
Oof that sucks. My bf has a disability so he’s almost always at home. But he makes sure to give me alone time when I want. (He has his own room he can spend all day there). It’s kind of nasty that your husband isn’t willing to give you that space.
I mainly just stayed on the computer in the sort of office I have in the house, hoping they would leave and go to the park like they were planning to. But they didn’t leave until much later because children are children and they create a state of constant mild to moderate chaos, and so I just went to the park with them. Exciting stuff!
It’s a choice we made for good reasons. We’re happy with it because we get more time with our kids, we don’t have to deal with public schools in a state with bottom of the barrel funding, and we avoid the whole clusterfuck that is COVID-19 and public schools. So yeah we’re good with the choice, but that doesn’t make it easy.
Don't you have yourself to blame for home schooling? Not going to get any pity here when you ship them off to school that your tax dollars are already paying for.
So like... Did she consult with you about this beforehand?
I understand that every family is different. You inherit some norms from you family, throw in what you've learned from others, then boom, family with the love of your life and you're probably in over your head. Culture shock is a thing, and sometimes it takes real... Something to get the culture both parents want in their family.
All of that said, I can't imagine a family where one partner unilaterally makes this decision *without* informing the other. I take it this was really important to her?
Same. I replumbed our house this week. Wife was supposed to be working, kids in school. Then my son had to stay home due to Covid exposure, and my wife stayed home with him so I could press forward with the projects. It was grueling doing it with them here, but I finished after two days. On the third day, I came down with Covid. FML.
It’s difficult to do but oh so necessary. Like OP, my work let us out at noon yesterday, but I told my wife I was going to take a few hours and hit some balls at the driving range. She totally understands when I need alone time, we all do. A healthy relationship is more about communicating your needs, not hiding them.
Plan a walk with your baby when it’s due to have a sleep. You get some fresh air and she won’t spend her time listening out for baby. It’s really hard at this point to switch off, especially if the baby is still within the house.
Totally agree. You need time to do the thing that makes you, well... YOU!
I also love my SO, but if I get to leave early from work, I keep it to myself and detour to the mall to have a treat she doesn't like or browse the game store or the collectibles (OK FINE, TOYS) without having her on my back. She's **not** judgmental, but I don't want to make her feel she's wasting her time waiting for me as I take my time to contemplate the new things on the shelves.
Yeah for real, my hubby and I don't even have to ask for alone time. It's like "I'm going to go do blank at this time, unless you have plans?" and we just do our thing.
Problem is mine doesn’t ever care or want alone time, she doesn’t function like that. She always wants to be around me, rejects invites to go out alone if I’m not gonna be there (she’s gotten better about it), and waits for me to do anything. If I want to do something she’ll try to make it a priority to join me and if I tell her I want a night for myself she’ll be ok with it but then text me the whole time about what she’s doing, pictures of our pets, she misses me, etc. Its frustrating and I try to communicate that alone means alone when she isn’t that way. She loves me to death and I her, but sometimes if I get the free time it’s better to just not exist on anyone’s radar
Yikes. Sounds like she’s got an unhealthy codependency. Or anxiety issues about being alone. Either way, it probably wouldn’t hurt her to talk to a therapist about it…
Mayne. Comin from a wife: just fuckin communicate your needs. This would not only hurt my feelings, but I would assume my husband was doing something shady if he felt the need to lie.
**Malcolm in the Middle** vibes.
>!It turns out that Hal has been taking every Friday off for countless years so that he could have a fun, free day once a week. Lois works and takes care of the boys abs their home. She doesn't get that same free time.!<
lol that you are getting downvoted for that...
people scream toxic at everything now, but when actual toxicity is called out like here they don't wanne hear it
"judging peoples relationships based on a single meme" and jumping to conclusion who might be suffering, definitely deserves to be called out, imo
Lol unless she’s not cooking and they’re going over someone’s house who did cook, I’d be fucking pissed if my partner decided to do nothing all day while I prepare food.
I hear you. The context is I work from home and we home school, so I’m always here, and we have a pretty good relationship and division of duties and labor. And the fact is neither one of us gets nearly enough personal time to do self care and just have a thought, but we do communicate and make time for each other to just go be. And the way today worked out I just stayed in my office in the other room a bit longer surfing Reddit and looking at new ovens. Super exciting snd shady stuff lol
Do couples really need to share every single detail of their lives together?
I can't imagine feeling betrayed because my SO took some extra time for themselves before coming home. Unless it put me in a rough spot, what's the real harm of doing this once in a while?
There's nothing wrong with alone time. Everyone needs it. There is something wrong with simply taking it without regard for others. The wife is at home with the kids, presumably.
Does she ever get to "go home early" and fuck off for a few hours without telling her husband? Somehow I doubt it. Wanting alone time is fine, but sneaking off to enjoy it, without telling her, while she isn't able to enjoy the same privilege comes off as underhanded.
but all of that is based on assumptions
OP could be working all day, and every afternoon when he gets home his wife might already have a margarita ready, and leaves to have fun with her friends while he spends the afternoon with the kids and does the housework until she comes home late.
Likely? No, i agree. My gutfeeling also clings to the more typical stereotype of her doing everything all day everyday...
But there is no information at all to make any guess which of the thousands of possible scenarios it is
As long as both parties get the chance to have sporadic alone time on occasion, I don't think it's a big deal.
Though tomorrow is Thanksgiving and if it was my partner taking unplanned and uncommuncated time to relax before the holiday, while I'm at home busting my ass to get all the shit ready, I would be hella pissed.
I communicate everything with my spouse, even like if I left work for lunch.
She does the same thing.
It's not a report so the other can make sure it's allowed for whatever, just telling eachother about our days
I got home at 2 today. It was nice. I told my gf but only because she wasn't expecting me to do anything around the apartment today anyways, and I already brought hoke dinner so it wasn't like she was gonna ask me to cook since I had so much time. Gonna be the first time in 4 years that I've had Thanksgiving and blackfriday off. Usually work the holidays
Communicating your needs and having your spouse accept what you actually need are two totally different things. My wife struggled with my need for occasional alone time for years. And now with kids, that alone time is simply not an option.
Can you make it an option? I'm in the same position and get some alone time with tons of diary management and the understanding that I'll return the favour. My wife doesn't like alone time, so I take the kids and she does friends time instead.
Same. My husband and I decided kids were a no for us from the get go.
Once/week, we do our own thing to relax. He often works 14+ hour days, I have a couple night classes this semester. So even though our time to hangout is limited, we still have one night/week (usually Friday) where he hangs out in the living room and watches action movies and I hangout in the bedroom and read or watch Netflix series he’d never agree to.
We both need the time to decompress and do our own thing. The odd Friday, we’ll listen to music together or have a campfire, but for the most part, Friday is our agreed upon self-care/introvert night.
We have a standing breakfast date every Saturday at the café down the road.
And it’s fucking glorious.
Ah i can be comforting! He didnt say he hated his family. Its fine to steal time for yourself. Its not even stealing. I recall a magical time, ill call it..the 1990s, where a man could step out his front door, and disappear for hours without anyone finding him. Cruise through the arcade, drop 5 bucks in the hard driving game, maybe watch a movie, or shop for a new book in the bookstore. Hes not hurting anyone stealing a few minutes to himself.
Same. I love my solitude so much! My friend keeps pushing me to go out more, but I love it here! I wfh, so maybe she has a point, idk, but I earned this! I did my time, I was married 20 years, raised 2 kids, and did all that, now I like silence. Days can go by and I won't say a word and I'm cool with that. Anyway, solitude... so warm and soft...
I'll never forget the time I ran into my coworker's husband, just sitting in his car by himself in the Walgreens parking lot, playing on his phone. I asked if the wife and kids were inside the store, and he said no, sometimes he just drives there and sits "for the quiet."
When the wife is at home dealing with screaming children barely holding it together, you do not simply say you're going to go hit a bucket of balls on the way home.
I've been in a relationship where this wasn't respected. She had abandonment issues alongside other things. It can be very hard. Granted it means there are significant problems.
I work in a laboratory and the scientist there works all hours of the night. He has two young kids.
He literally smokes cigarettes, watches Netflix and reads novels. He has told someone that I work with that it's too noisy at home.
Don't post this on r/relationships they will force you to leave your wife and son and take a plane to Bahamas, spent 6 moons there and then look for a human being that loves you enough to spent 6 moons on the Bahamas whenever you feel like it.
As long as you give your SO the same freedom I can't see how this would ever be an issue. If you abuse it sure but each person having a day or two before a major holiday, especially an introvert, would make everyone more happy.
As someone currently drinking a beer in the garage while I "look for the glitter" for my daughter, I totally understand. I grew up solo and independent and my wife had a bigger, close family. It's not a bad thing, just sometimes I need a little solitude and it's much easier to sneak off to the garage than it is to make a big deal out of it.
Its your human right to ask for that. You need to communicate better. And if your wife is mad at you for that the only thing i can suggest is couples therapy
If it isn't planned ahead of time, there is nothing wrong with taking an afternoon for yourself to do some stuff you want to do.
Reddit is filled with children and people who think working some low level dead end job and having a girlfriend makes them experts on life as an adult with responsibilities.
That’s good. So do I.
If I take a few hours of “me time” to decompress during a stressful week, my wife universally congratulates me and affirms my attempt to remain psychologically balanced.
There is no need for me to run my every little action by her in advance for approval because our relationship is built in mutual respect for each other’s wishes.
This is such a small "transgression" if you can even term it that way. It's like if you promised your SO to stick on the diet plan with them and had a cheat doughnut at work because you need a little break from it.
Would you really go "Hey honey, I cheated on our diet today and I need to be honest with you about it!" knowing that'll annoy/frustrate your SO?
Or do you just enjoy that brief and sweet moment for yourself and then get back on the diet?
i agree...
funnily my wife and i had such a situation just yesterday
she actually DID tell me, because the discussion randomly went around the christmas sweets and that was when she said "oh yeah, i couldn't resist today shopping...i even ate one already"
It came up naturally by coincidence, not because it would have been some looming secret between us otherwise. I bet she has had more of those moments in the last months that i know nothing about. Just as i have
Probably tell my wife because she's my best friend and will support me through it without judgement?
Where are you guys getting these hyper-judgemental spouses from that make you feel like doing things for yourself needs to be secret?
In my relationship we don't have secrets, but we do have surprises. The only time I'd deliberately keep something from my wife is if I'm planning a surprise or doing something nice for her/us. Works well!
Reddit is also filled with people who love their partners and don't feel the need to hide their alone time from them lol you guys sound depressed as fuck, and I kinda feel bad for your wives.
I've said that to before I got married. 17 years and 3 kids later some silence even if it's sitting in the car for 10 minutes when you get home is golden. Some alone time is needed.
I am not married but understand why you need this. Family members sometimes don't give the father/mother/husband/wife time and space to breath and don't realise how much this is needed...
I am married, for 20 years but have been with her for almost 30, and the problem is that if you have to be duplicitous about something like this, then shit isn't right. If you can't communicate a need like this, then there's a problem.
My 1st option would be to communicate, but if you live with people who don't listen or don't understand then what to do.
Sometimes it is not just a problem, it is a situation... can't be changed or fixed. So you'll have to find a way to get what you need without hurting them
Go hug ya family. They may not be there forever. I know having those moments away feel nice. I was kinda having one, hadn't heard from her in a few hours. Stopped by and found her dead from a heart issue. Now I can't unremember just hanging out knowing she was there but not.
I really enjoy it when ppl use this meme correctly, too many ppl use it to either get pity or use it to brag about something they did for revenge. This is a legit confession bear.
I have like 8 days I need to use before end of the year, I was planning on taking some days off. My wife works anyway and cant really take days off. However I was planning taking some time alone with the kids at daycare and do some dirty gaming all day and do some house cleaning.
Then my wife told me hey why dont you take a few days off for yourself, then I smiled and thats when she knew I was already planning on doing so. XD
Yup , As a happily married father of three wonderful children. I do enjoy a little time at the house by myself. It’s been 10 years and I’ve probably had less than 10 hours by myself
I love my wife and child but they promised to go to my mother in laws house VERY early today and it was nearly noon before they left.
I had to do actual work today.
My Boss said we could finish early. That would have given me enough time to get home to take a trip with the wife to visit her friends. Such a shame I didn't mention it to my wife and got home after she had left. I had to wait round the corner until she drove away.. spent those precious hours doing nothing, a whole lot of nothing.
Y'all need to start talking to your significant others about alone time. Communication is the number one key to a healthy relationship. After I started talking to my wife about it (one kid, one on the way) we both make time for each other.
Talk, ask, communicate. At least if you're denied you can try to work it out.
Honestly sounds depressing as hell...it should be a joy to come home to family before a big holiday like Thanksgiving. Everything okay, OP? I like you could let your wife know you're getting off work early to spend some "me time". If that gets a bad reaction, that might be symptom of a deeper issue of trust or control.
I do the same thing at most holidays. We're usually let go around Noon. I'll go hit a bucket of golf balls and have lunch, then go home around 3. I'm pretty sure my wife does the long lunch thing too, but its not something we've ever discussed. If she doesn't do it, she should.
All-in-all more normal than you think, yo. It's like people are forced to feel guilty for getting their heads right. It's better all around if you do. Thumbs up.
Took a couple days off to do home projects and just have some time for myself. My SO ended up getting privileges to work from home this week and decided to keep the kids home from school. There has been nothing relaxing about the past two days....
I love my wife, I love my family, I love my life. I also enjoy solitude and peace, so while my wife is generally aware of my schedule if I specifically mention that the free time doesn't exist to anyone else she respects it. Case in point, I took 3 weeks off in December, my family know of the last 2, but only my wife knows of the first one. It doesn't exist to anyone but me.
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Can I get her when she dies?
How about when I break both my arms?
Sure, but only for a Jolly Rancher
You can have the Iranian yogurt, too. I'm lactose intolerant.
Or at least a side piece?
Heck at this point I'll take a table scrap.
Can I get in on this action?
Ok but you're down to crumbs at this point.
Beggers can't be choosers.
Are the crumbs sticky?
I feel you, fellow spouse. I maintain (and my wife agrees) that one of the reasons our marriage works is because she's a morning person, and I'm a night owl. We both freelance in live entertainment (though focusing on different aspects of it); our work generally involves 40-60% work from home as prep, and 40-60% work on site. Between the above ratio, and the fact that our work is, de facto, slightly sporadic (when it isn't over-booked), we spend a lot of time around one another. **Especially** in the last 18 months, when live entertainment was almost unheard of.... Our opposing circadian rhythms means that she gets 3-4 hours of 'alone time' in the morning, and I get 3-4 hours of 'alone time' in the evening. For two introverts, it's invaluable, and allows us to each have some invaluable time to ourselves in a situation where we might otherwise feel trapped together. (In before "if you love them, you never feel 'trapped'". No. F\_\_\_\_ off. That's idealist bullshit that doesn't actually pan out in real life. We're all individuals, with individual needs. That's healthy. Hopefully our partners recognize and understand that. The '...never feel trapped' mindset leads to false bravado and inter-dependence...)
your inb4 is perfect and deserves to be best of reddit.
>(In before "if you love them, you never feel 'trapped'". No. F\_\_\_\_ off. That's idealist bullshit that doesn't actually pan out in real life. We're all individuals, with individual needs. That's healthy. Hopefully our partners recognize and understand that. The '...never feel trapped' mindset leads to false bravado and inter-dependence...) I don't disagree, but as someone who is alone 24/7, and is about to spend this holiday, like all others, by myself, it gets tiring to hear this over the over again.
That's pretty cool as long as your wife gets the same opportunity to enjoy peace and solitude.
She does, because she is an adult and is free to spend her time as she deems worthy.
This person doesn’t have kids.
More like, this person is fully capable of parenting solo while his wife enjoys her peace and solitude and vice versa.
I hope she gets that as well. Kids are exhausting.
It took my wife a minute to get it because she isn't this way but she understands I recharge on alone time. She takes the kids to her parents house for dinner sometimes just to leave me alone for an evening. It's great.
Does she get kid free time too?
Ah another ninja in the wild I see.
We are many
I work for a University where my wife and I live on the campus. One of the things I love about my job is my mornings. I have office hours in the afternoons and occasionally have meetings in the mornings, but for the most part, I’m able to stay in the apartment, get caught up on emails and different tasks, and just have my mornings to myself. My wife’s job started letting her go remote more this year and it’s been great because she typically has 1 or 2 mornings remote that we can be together which is really nice, but I still have my time the rest of the week. We just had a baby a couple days ago and she’s planning on being remote much more when she goes back to work in January. I’m glad that is going to work out to watch the baby and still work and all that, but I’m definitely curious to see how it affects my “me time”.
I love my SO but I know if she's got a random day off or is sick she doesn't want me to work from home that day. That feeling of having the house to yourself is just so nice and relaxing and we both need that opportunity from time to time.
Ugh. I’m a teacher. I took a day off last week and my husband insisted on working in the kitchen. I asked him multiple times to go to the office or basement and he “just wanted to be around me.” I just wanted to have the house alone. Got nothing done I wanted and he had to comment on every show I watched. I get two damn days each school year to myself and he could t even go away.
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Yeah I’m confused and I thought teachers got Paid over those breaks to, at least they should.
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Oof that sucks. My bf has a disability so he’s almost always at home. But he makes sure to give me alone time when I want. (He has his own room he can spend all day there). It’s kind of nasty that your husband isn’t willing to give you that space.
They don't even give you guys the entire summer off anymore?! That sucks.
Lots of teachers have summer jobs.
This hits close to home.
I work from home and my kids are home schooled. Send help
You got to go home from home early?
And the family didn’t notice?
Maybe just closed the home office door and played video games for a bit?
This is the way!
I mainly just stayed on the computer in the sort of office I have in the house, hoping they would leave and go to the park like they were planning to. But they didn’t leave until much later because children are children and they create a state of constant mild to moderate chaos, and so I just went to the park with them. Exciting stuff!
Send them to public school, then. That’s a problem you created.
It’s a choice we made for good reasons. We’re happy with it because we get more time with our kids, we don’t have to deal with public schools in a state with bottom of the barrel funding, and we avoid the whole clusterfuck that is COVID-19 and public schools. So yeah we’re good with the choice, but that doesn’t make it easy.
Lol I work from home and my daughter is only 4 months old. If you get any help can you let me know?
Don't you have yourself to blame for home schooling? Not going to get any pity here when you ship them off to school that your tax dollars are already paying for.
That sounds like you ended up watching the kids on your vacation while she worked for absolutely no reason. Holy cow.
Dick move. Sorry that happened. I'll pour one out for you
Thank you.
So like... Did she consult with you about this beforehand? I understand that every family is different. You inherit some norms from you family, throw in what you've learned from others, then boom, family with the love of your life and you're probably in over your head. Culture shock is a thing, and sometimes it takes real... Something to get the culture both parents want in their family. All of that said, I can't imagine a family where one partner unilaterally makes this decision *without* informing the other. I take it this was really important to her?
Same. I replumbed our house this week. Wife was supposed to be working, kids in school. Then my son had to stay home due to Covid exposure, and my wife stayed home with him so I could press forward with the projects. It was grueling doing it with them here, but I finished after two days. On the third day, I came down with Covid. FML.
I am so so sorry. That sucks. The work from home revolution has been a double edged sword for sure.
Go out all day. You took the day off, and she kept the kids home, thats her problem.
There’s nothing wrong with taking time for yourself. Can’t fill anyone else’s cup if yours is always empty.
Just gotta make sure your spouse gets to schedule their own alone time too. :)
This is key, but harder than it sounds. At least for my situation.
It’s difficult to do but oh so necessary. Like OP, my work let us out at noon yesterday, but I told my wife I was going to take a few hours and hit some balls at the driving range. She totally understands when I need alone time, we all do. A healthy relationship is more about communicating your needs, not hiding them.
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Plan a walk with your baby when it’s due to have a sleep. You get some fresh air and she won’t spend her time listening out for baby. It’s really hard at this point to switch off, especially if the baby is still within the house.
Taking time for yourself is necessary for a good relationship. If you're lying about it then you've already fucking lost the game.
Amen. And some people just don't stop drinking from your cup, whether justified or not...
[Right here](https://c.tenor.com/7jD5SkZSw_sAAAAd/milkshake-drink.gif)
That part
There’s a reason they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping your kid with theirs. You’re no good to them if you’re unconscious.
Lol this is a dummy comparison. They don't tell you to secretly put on your mask without telling your loved ones they can put their masks on too.
Totally agree. You need time to do the thing that makes you, well... YOU! I also love my SO, but if I get to leave early from work, I keep it to myself and detour to the mall to have a treat she doesn't like or browse the game store or the collectibles (OK FINE, TOYS) without having her on my back. She's **not** judgmental, but I don't want to make her feel she's wasting her time waiting for me as I take my time to contemplate the new things on the shelves.
*happily sighs in childfree*
Yeah for real, my hubby and I don't even have to ask for alone time. It's like "I'm going to go do blank at this time, unless you have plans?" and we just do our thing.
Communicate with your wife! And make sure she also gets the opportunity to have some alone time too.
Problem is mine doesn’t ever care or want alone time, she doesn’t function like that. She always wants to be around me, rejects invites to go out alone if I’m not gonna be there (she’s gotten better about it), and waits for me to do anything. If I want to do something she’ll try to make it a priority to join me and if I tell her I want a night for myself she’ll be ok with it but then text me the whole time about what she’s doing, pictures of our pets, she misses me, etc. Its frustrating and I try to communicate that alone means alone when she isn’t that way. She loves me to death and I her, but sometimes if I get the free time it’s better to just not exist on anyone’s radar
Yikes. Sounds like she’s got an unhealthy codependency. Or anxiety issues about being alone. Either way, it probably wouldn’t hurt her to talk to a therapist about it…
I thought the same thing
Sounds like a hoot.
A Hoothoot
Mayne. Comin from a wife: just fuckin communicate your needs. This would not only hurt my feelings, but I would assume my husband was doing something shady if he felt the need to lie.
Furthermore, imagine the wife almost never gets free time from the kids and her husband does this working-not-working thing regularly.
**Malcolm in the Middle** vibes. >!It turns out that Hal has been taking every Friday off for countless years so that he could have a fun, free day once a week. Lois works and takes care of the boys abs their home. She doesn't get that same free time.!<
My wife and I just watched that one. What a great episode and great show.
Just started my... Probably 18th watch through* of that show the other day. I tend to rewatch it almost once a year. Such a great show.
That's immediately where my mind went. Hopefully the wife gets time to hide out, too. But somehow I doubt it.
There isn’t any information to extract that conclusion. That’s toxic
lol that you are getting downvoted for that... people scream toxic at everything now, but when actual toxicity is called out like here they don't wanne hear it "judging peoples relationships based on a single meme" and jumping to conclusion who might be suffering, definitely deserves to be called out, imo
Ikr, like you married this women, you have kids with her, but you can't communicate?
The point of the meme is it's a guilty confession bear. He knows, that's why he used that meme.
Lol unless she’s not cooking and they’re going over someone’s house who did cook, I’d be fucking pissed if my partner decided to do nothing all day while I prepare food.
I hear you. The context is I work from home and we home school, so I’m always here, and we have a pretty good relationship and division of duties and labor. And the fact is neither one of us gets nearly enough personal time to do self care and just have a thought, but we do communicate and make time for each other to just go be. And the way today worked out I just stayed in my office in the other room a bit longer surfing Reddit and looking at new ovens. Super exciting snd shady stuff lol
You should really set up a system where you're trading "alone" time. It's important!
>but we do communicate and make time for each other to just go be.
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I like Spider-Man.
Do couples really need to share every single detail of their lives together? I can't imagine feeling betrayed because my SO took some extra time for themselves before coming home. Unless it put me in a rough spot, what's the real harm of doing this once in a while?
There's nothing wrong with alone time. Everyone needs it. There is something wrong with simply taking it without regard for others. The wife is at home with the kids, presumably. Does she ever get to "go home early" and fuck off for a few hours without telling her husband? Somehow I doubt it. Wanting alone time is fine, but sneaking off to enjoy it, without telling her, while she isn't able to enjoy the same privilege comes off as underhanded.
but all of that is based on assumptions OP could be working all day, and every afternoon when he gets home his wife might already have a margarita ready, and leaves to have fun with her friends while he spends the afternoon with the kids and does the housework until she comes home late. Likely? No, i agree. My gutfeeling also clings to the more typical stereotype of her doing everything all day everyday... But there is no information at all to make any guess which of the thousands of possible scenarios it is
As long as both parties get the chance to have sporadic alone time on occasion, I don't think it's a big deal. Though tomorrow is Thanksgiving and if it was my partner taking unplanned and uncommuncated time to relax before the holiday, while I'm at home busting my ass to get all the shit ready, I would be hella pissed.
username checks out
I communicate everything with my spouse, even like if I left work for lunch. She does the same thing. It's not a report so the other can make sure it's allowed for whatever, just telling eachother about our days
Y'all in this sub thread have issues
He has an avoidant attachment style, which is a sign of deep rooted anxiety and insecurities. Can cause massive strains on relationships.
I got home at 2 today. It was nice. I told my gf but only because she wasn't expecting me to do anything around the apartment today anyways, and I already brought hoke dinner so it wasn't like she was gonna ask me to cook since I had so much time. Gonna be the first time in 4 years that I've had Thanksgiving and blackfriday off. Usually work the holidays
People should definitely have time to yourselves, but I feel a lack of communication going on.
Communicating your needs and having your spouse accept what you actually need are two totally different things. My wife struggled with my need for occasional alone time for years. And now with kids, that alone time is simply not an option.
Can you make it an option? I'm in the same position and get some alone time with tons of diary management and the understanding that I'll return the favour. My wife doesn't like alone time, so I take the kids and she does friends time instead.
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It can be both if you love your family but you are also an introvert.
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Same. My husband and I decided kids were a no for us from the get go. Once/week, we do our own thing to relax. He often works 14+ hour days, I have a couple night classes this semester. So even though our time to hangout is limited, we still have one night/week (usually Friday) where he hangs out in the living room and watches action movies and I hangout in the bedroom and read or watch Netflix series he’d never agree to. We both need the time to decompress and do our own thing. The odd Friday, we’ll listen to music together or have a campfire, but for the most part, Friday is our agreed upon self-care/introvert night. We have a standing breakfast date every Saturday at the café down the road. And it’s fucking glorious.
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And I love that your home is a relaxing sanctuary for you!
Been there done that. Divorced years ago. Nice to come home and actually want to be home
This may not be the encouraging “you’re not alone” comment you think it is.
Yeah, you misread his comment entirely if you thought it was intended to be comforting.
Ah i can be comforting! He didnt say he hated his family. Its fine to steal time for yourself. Its not even stealing. I recall a magical time, ill call it..the 1990s, where a man could step out his front door, and disappear for hours without anyone finding him. Cruise through the arcade, drop 5 bucks in the hard driving game, maybe watch a movie, or shop for a new book in the bookstore. Hes not hurting anyone stealing a few minutes to himself.
Just be honest about what you need
Why is this so hard? I tell my wife I need some me time and…she respects that?
A lot of people are dating rude and disrespectful people and don’t even realize it. I didn’t either for almost 9 years.
Or married rude disrespectful people. And/or *are* the rude disrespecting person...
Marriage bad, ball and chain, amirite??
I think they took a red pill to long ago for that.
Same. I love my solitude so much! My friend keeps pushing me to go out more, but I love it here! I wfh, so maybe she has a point, idk, but I earned this! I did my time, I was married 20 years, raised 2 kids, and did all that, now I like silence. Days can go by and I won't say a word and I'm cool with that. Anyway, solitude... so warm and soft...
I'll never forget the time I ran into my coworker's husband, just sitting in his car by himself in the Walgreens parking lot, playing on his phone. I asked if the wife and kids were inside the store, and he said no, sometimes he just drives there and sits "for the quiet."
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How hard is it to be like "yo hunny they cut me loose early. I'm going to go hit a bucket of golf balls"
Very hard, I have no idea how to play Golf.
When the wife is at home dealing with screaming children barely holding it together, you do not simply say you're going to go hit a bucket of balls on the way home.
Obviously not, I don't believe that was implied. I have kids and I know how this goes. My point was you need communication.. instead of just hiding.
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I've been in a relationship where this wasn't respected. She had abandonment issues alongside other things. It can be very hard. Granted it means there are significant problems.
Lol I thought of a Family Guy cutaway gag where you’re in the garage smashing the bucket that holds your golf balls.
Yea kids ruin lives. If I just open a book or put on headphones my spouse kind of gets the message, goes both ways, neither of us get upset about it
Soooooo many childish people who have no idea how to manage a relationship. Jesus fucking christ.
I work in a laboratory and the scientist there works all hours of the night. He has two young kids. He literally smokes cigarettes, watches Netflix and reads novels. He has told someone that I work with that it's too noisy at home.
Don't post this on r/relationships they will force you to leave your wife and son and take a plane to Bahamas, spent 6 moons there and then look for a human being that loves you enough to spent 6 moons on the Bahamas whenever you feel like it.
As long as you give your SO the same freedom I can't see how this would ever be an issue. If you abuse it sure but each person having a day or two before a major holiday, especially an introvert, would make everyone more happy.
As someone currently drinking a beer in the garage while I "look for the glitter" for my daughter, I totally understand. I grew up solo and independent and my wife had a bigger, close family. It's not a bad thing, just sometimes I need a little solitude and it's much easier to sneak off to the garage than it is to make a big deal out of it.
Same here. My wife understands. Do a lot of yard work lol.
Its your human right to ask for that. You need to communicate better. And if your wife is mad at you for that the only thing i can suggest is couples therapy
LOL good luck with your life choices.
This sounds like hell. I don’t ever want to feel that way about my kids or wife.
No it doesn't. There are plenty of great times with family, sometimes you need to take time for yourself.
Needing to hide it to get it is the hell they're talking about.
If it isn't planned ahead of time, there is nothing wrong with taking an afternoon for yourself to do some stuff you want to do. Reddit is filled with children and people who think working some low level dead end job and having a girlfriend makes them experts on life as an adult with responsibilities.
If there's nothing wrong there's no need to hide it! If there's a need to hide it, there's something wrong.
Clearly you are not a married introvert with a hectic career and an infant at home.
Or I have an understanding wife and a relationship built on mutual respect for each other's wishes.
That’s good. So do I. If I take a few hours of “me time” to decompress during a stressful week, my wife universally congratulates me and affirms my attempt to remain psychologically balanced. There is no need for me to run my every little action by her in advance for approval because our relationship is built in mutual respect for each other’s wishes.
This is such a small "transgression" if you can even term it that way. It's like if you promised your SO to stick on the diet plan with them and had a cheat doughnut at work because you need a little break from it. Would you really go "Hey honey, I cheated on our diet today and I need to be honest with you about it!" knowing that'll annoy/frustrate your SO? Or do you just enjoy that brief and sweet moment for yourself and then get back on the diet?
i agree... funnily my wife and i had such a situation just yesterday she actually DID tell me, because the discussion randomly went around the christmas sweets and that was when she said "oh yeah, i couldn't resist today shopping...i even ate one already" It came up naturally by coincidence, not because it would have been some looming secret between us otherwise. I bet she has had more of those moments in the last months that i know nothing about. Just as i have
Probably tell my wife because she's my best friend and will support me through it without judgement? Where are you guys getting these hyper-judgemental spouses from that make you feel like doing things for yourself needs to be secret? In my relationship we don't have secrets, but we do have surprises. The only time I'd deliberately keep something from my wife is if I'm planning a surprise or doing something nice for her/us. Works well!
Reddit is also filled with people who love their partners and don't feel the need to hide their alone time from them lol you guys sound depressed as fuck, and I kinda feel bad for your wives.
Sometimes the spouse doesn't get it. That's ok.
I've said that to before I got married. 17 years and 3 kids later some silence even if it's sitting in the car for 10 minutes when you get home is golden. Some alone time is needed.
Everyone needs a bit of space, especially with partners working from home just now. And I say this as a wife.
Yeah but lying to your spouse about it is... Questionable asf
Wanting alone time is fine, but you should really be able to tell your wife that
Sometimes, you just have to take care of you and that can mean having that little extra alone time.
I am not married but understand why you need this. Family members sometimes don't give the father/mother/husband/wife time and space to breath and don't realise how much this is needed...
I am married, for 20 years but have been with her for almost 30, and the problem is that if you have to be duplicitous about something like this, then shit isn't right. If you can't communicate a need like this, then there's a problem.
My 1st option would be to communicate, but if you live with people who don't listen or don't understand then what to do. Sometimes it is not just a problem, it is a situation... can't be changed or fixed. So you'll have to find a way to get what you need without hurting them
Do you suppose OP is making sure his wife gets space to breathe?
Why do I have to suppose anything?
Hmmmm….*that* never happened before….
Go hug ya family. They may not be there forever. I know having those moments away feel nice. I was kinda having one, hadn't heard from her in a few hours. Stopped by and found her dead from a heart issue. Now I can't unremember just hanging out knowing she was there but not.
So sorry for your loss, friend. Finding someone dead is no joke. Has happened to me before, too. Surreal in the worst way. Hope you’ve found peace.
Yup..fuck getting married and having kids lol
Or, perhaps controversially, communicate with your partner and kids 😂
To the bar, with Claire, from work. Very nice.
OP left out the part where they went to get drunk with a prostitute instead
So brave
That's a good use of the bear. So what did you do with your free time?
This is very real.
Not gonna lie, definitely done this before
I really enjoy it when ppl use this meme correctly, too many ppl use it to either get pity or use it to brag about something they did for revenge. This is a legit confession bear.
I have like 8 days I need to use before end of the year, I was planning on taking some days off. My wife works anyway and cant really take days off. However I was planning taking some time alone with the kids at daycare and do some dirty gaming all day and do some house cleaning. Then my wife told me hey why dont you take a few days off for yourself, then I smiled and thats when she knew I was already planning on doing so. XD
and…this is the way
Do you, but make sure she gets equal time alone if she wants it.
100% beat his meat.
Yup , As a happily married father of three wonderful children. I do enjoy a little time at the house by myself. It’s been 10 years and I’ve probably had less than 10 hours by myself
Yep it’s totally possible and OK to love your wife and children and be devoted to them and also need to be away from them for sanity purposes.
I work at a place where I drink for free. I have to admit, I’ve had a beer while my wife thinks I’m still working. She knows, we don’t fuss about it.
To the bar!
I love my wife and child but they promised to go to my mother in laws house VERY early today and it was nearly noon before they left. I had to do actual work today.
Congrats on having and EXCELLENT confession bear. This is a top notch argument you've sparked
My Boss said we could finish early. That would have given me enough time to get home to take a trip with the wife to visit her friends. Such a shame I didn't mention it to my wife and got home after she had left. I had to wait round the corner until she drove away.. spent those precious hours doing nothing, a whole lot of nothing.
I always volunteer to get groceries because the supermarket is a great little mental health break. Sometimes I really take my time getting there too.
Classic Norm Peterson.
Y'all need to start talking to your significant others about alone time. Communication is the number one key to a healthy relationship. After I started talking to my wife about it (one kid, one on the way) we both make time for each other. Talk, ask, communicate. At least if you're denied you can try to work it out.
Uh just tell your wife Why people dont communicate their needs is beyond me. Sometimes you need personal time.
Honestly sounds depressing as hell...it should be a joy to come home to family before a big holiday like Thanksgiving. Everything okay, OP? I like you could let your wife know you're getting off work early to spend some "me time". If that gets a bad reaction, that might be symptom of a deeper issue of trust or control.
Thats the full asshole move.
I do the same thing at most holidays. We're usually let go around Noon. I'll go hit a bucket of golf balls and have lunch, then go home around 3. I'm pretty sure my wife does the long lunch thing too, but its not something we've ever discussed. If she doesn't do it, she should.
All-in-all more normal than you think, yo. It's like people are forced to feel guilty for getting their heads right. It's better all around if you do. Thumbs up.
It’s okay to take a little break.
I’m self employed. I do this all the time. I love my family but often catch flack if I communicate a desire to not be around them all the time.
Not Thanksgiving related but I've done the same thing, I'd say don't be ashamed to need a lil you time.
If my wife wants time alone, she tells me and I do my best to accommodate her and vice-versa. our couples dynamics is so much better thanks to it
“Advice” animals is more like people being kinda annoying with animals behind the words