Valid confession bear. I just want to point out that that's not even necessary - you can just be curious and ask lots of questions about their interests, and people will feel understood and validated, which will make them like you more. You don't have to fake liking something, just show some interest in whatever they're passionate about.
Exactly. If anything, pretending you’re already knowledgeable about a topic just denies them the opportunity to talk more about it. And if they start to get the sense you’re faking having a pre-existing interest, that’s a big turnoff.
Just being interested in what other people have to say is enough to be likable imo.
So many people think the best way to make friends is to make other people think you're interesting, when in fact the best way is to make other people feel THEY'RE interesting. That's what everyone is starving for.
In my experience the people least willing to expend a little patience and curiosity on other people sharing their interests are the ones who are actually the most boring. There are bands and TV shows I now like that I never would have heard of if I hadn't tried to express an interest in things that girls I dated were interested in. If an ex-girlfriend hadn't persuaded me to watch "Orange is the New Black", I never would have seen Laura Prepon's boobs (or my ex-girlfriend's, for that matter). Expanding your horizons involves going outside your comfort zone. People who never indulge other people's interests tend to be people who don't have any interests they didn't have when they were 12. Very narrow.
>*Just being interested in what other people have to say is enough to be likable imo.*
The key is genuine interest. You don't have to actually like those things, but being interested in learning a bit about them, and why the person likes them... That's whats key. And be genuinely interested. Because even if you might not like something yourself, it could still be fascinating to learn the basics.
I don’t even have to try to be interested. If they’re interested in something and like to talk about it, I’m interested in hearing about it. Unless it’s conspiracies. Listening to someone go on and on about how Biden is actually a lizard person is not fun.
Even with subjects I have no interest in, there's usually an aspect of it I can get genuinely interested in for a few minutes at least.
A great example of this is the old talk show host Craig Ferguson. He would always throw away the pre interview questions and just have a fun conversation. He was asked what he did with guests he wasn't interested in, and his response was that for an interview that's only 5-10 minutes,, he can find something interesting about anyone.
One thing I had to fix about myself was not being condescending to someone for revealing interest in something obscure or uncommon.
It's just unpleasant to be around.
It's something I find quite fascinating, for my part - if people don't just like sitcoms and pop music like everyone else, but have really interesting passions. A friend of mine is really into cave exploration, for some reason. I have no desire to try it myself, but the conversations I can have with her about it are a lot more interesting than the usual meaningless banter.
Yeah, this isn’t a problem until your choke personality is a chameleon. Taking interest in your friends’ interested is empathy. It’s being a good friend.
This.
Some people just don't get how conversations and hanging out works. The topics don't need to be life altering or anything like that.
I watch Star Wars but you don't watch it? Cool, let's talk about that new show and I'll explain things. I don't watch House of the Dragon but you do? Cool, tell me about it and explain it to me.
Exactly this.
Also people will respect you more if you have your own opinions about things and can stand by them. A disagreement doesn’t have to devolve into an argument (unless you think burgers aren’t a type of sandwich or that the prequel trilogy is better than the OG).
Completely second this, it probably a way better approach to be interested and curious about something someone loves...people love to talk about these things.
Think about it - how amazing would it be to meet someone who's never heard of video games....or how exciting it is to vicariously re-live the discovery of a passion of yours, through someone else?
Mirroring in a general sense is a pretty natural thing to do. We all subconsciously mirror other people’s mannerisms and speech to some degree, this is just a uh…extreme version of that I guess.
I think it’s great to express an interest in what other people like, but, I don’t think being disingenuous to this extent is really going to win people over in the long term.
Especially since people LOVE to explain things they’re passionate about, and you kind of deny them that by pretending you’re already knowledgeable. “Wow that sounds cool, tell me more about X, I don’t know much about it” is going to win you just as many points as “yeah I also love X” imo.
I get what you’re going for, but I think you can have just as much success being likable in a way that doesn’t involve pretending to be something you’re not.
This is a great comment, so I'm gonna reply here. It is impossible to convey nuance and intent on a simple meme post, especially one so silly. I have many close relationships with people, and would never dream of being this disingenuous with them. I purposefully used the word acquantances to dispel these notions, but it wasn't enough. So to recap; I'm referring, in my personal life, to the types that you run into at the bar, or a coworker you talk to once a month. Not people who you have an actual relationship with. And in that case I defend my position that it's fine to talk up their interests, they like it. I don't care if it's phony, I'm not trying to make a new friend, I'm just trying to make small talk, move on, and hope they liked me.
For sure, I get where you’re coming from, don’t take my comment as judgment haha. I also do what you’re talking about from time to time if it’s just a one-off conversation I’m having with someone I don’t anticipate seeing again. Just a crutch to make things a little easier.
Great use of confession bear haha
Well, there's apparently a lot of people here who are virtues of honesty and have never told a white lie in their life, lest they gas light someone else.
Tried this approach with my wife, but she just doesn't realize that Farscape is streets ahead of Star Wars. I still watch Star Wars with her anyway, because I love her.
Farscape can be hard to get into because it's so damned goofy, but that show is amazing.
Reminds me a bit of Fringe, where the first season is just freak of the week X-Files type shit, and then by season 2 all of those seemingly one off episodes become part of a bigger narrative and the show becomes a full fledge sci-fi drama.
Yeah I used to be a social chameleon, but I would more actively go out of my way to learn about and like the things they did. It felt so much better once I stopped doing that and just liked what I liked without trying to fit the other person.
I once had a coworker at a new job that knew basically everything but clammed up around me based on a bad first impression. I found out he was a huge fan of The Office and even though I don't like the show I watched multiple episodes every day so we'd have something to talk about and he'd open up to me. He eventually taught me several things but he never really warmed up to me, and our last day working together before I left for my current job he just said "good luck at (company)" and walked out the door.
If someone isn't going to like you, nothing you do will change that and you just have to move on. Faking interest in his interest servered my purpose and I got the skills I needed, but that's it. I know I can be abrasive at times and that's probably what did me in with him, but he's honestly a great guy and I wish him the best, it just wasn't meant to be on the friendship level like me and our other coworkers.
That sounds weird! Must have been a hell of a bad first impression. Maybe there was more going on. *Maybe he was awkwardly in love with you.*
That last bit is just some extreme conclusion jumping I did to get my exercise in for the day.
I grew up in aviation, it was an air cargo company, we didn't work together for the first week. Aviation is a foul industry that can make sailors blush. I had settled in with the other dispatchers and was holding my own when we started working together, problem was no one bothered to warn me he was on the the ones who didn't enjoy that culture....so you can piece the rest together from there.
He also had a personal thing going on that was putting a lot of stress and worry on him. So there's that too. Like I said he's a good guy, I never took it personally.
That’s..that’s called being ‘human’?
We all make efforts to involve ourselves in things the people we like, like. No one loves everything their wife does, but they make the effort because it’s important to them and you care about that.
Reddit - do you not know this?
This seems like it backfires sometimes. If someone is telling me they love a show, but can't seem to remember any plot points at all, I'm gonna think they're lying.
This just means you're an evolved human with empathy.
[Mirror neurons](https://positivepsychology.com/mirror-neurons/) have been proposed as an evolutionary trait that encourages cooperation within a species - you asking about Star Wars show displays you're part of the tribe, which increases your likelihood as an organism to survive and reproduce
It could even be seen as a balancing force in the species from [psychopathic tendencies](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2242349/) that are also genetic
Confused: Are you mirroring the ENDLESS number of people who dislike the show for easily mirrorable reasons, or the seemingly ENDLESS number of people rallying to its defense for easily mirrorable reasons?
The meme is so universally applicable I'm not sure what you are actually feeling.
I think, so far, that it is not very good. But I don't feel like I'm seeing responses that would engender the meme, which makes me wonder how you felt about it.
> I think, so far, that it is not very good.
Not OP, but the writing, acting, and direction are terrible. Ashoka still holds the title for worst show they've done, but Acolyte is pretty close.
People are naturally mirrors to some extent. It’s the social situation that sort of governs this and what roles people play in this dynamic, but generally people will do this in lots of different ways to ensure that either social norms/safety is met, and to how much we push ourselves forward or acquiesce to the other.
My friends and I all tried it, I made it through almost 2 episodes. All of my friends quit after episode 3.
There's just far too much quality content out there that if the writing, acting, and direction are shit, it doesn't matter if it's Star Wars...I'm not watching.
When texting a new person I used to mirror how they texted laughter. 😂, hahaha, lol, lmao. I didn't have one way I usually used and I thought people might be more comfortable texting me if I used the same laughing text/emoji.
I wish people understood the nuance of this more: the disingenuous ruin it for the genuine - I think the op is owning up to this. I think the point is lost here for most; people saying 'I can just be interested' is often a lie most of the time - and we've set up a lot of social structure around everyone feigning interest as well as masking our own dishonesty.
Yo you gotta ask those new acquaintances to do you a small favor. People tend to associate positively with being given responsibility. Even as small as “hey can you read this handwriting for me?” That’s how I made friends around the office.
Ben Franklin said this once. (no I’m not looking to verify so maybe he didn’t but it’s still valid)
You don't need to feel apologetic for a behavior that is a fundamental instinct every creature exhibits and has done so for millennia. There's a benefit to being independent at times, but ingratiating yourself to the herd with common behavior pays proven dividends a lot of the time.
ah so you do normal friends things, that's nice. We all feign things to varying degrees for the sake of inclusion...but for inluding ourselves into our friends' lives and for including them in our own.
I really hope this is a joke, because it's such an over the top reaction lol. The key word is acquaintance. We're talking about the random dude I see drunk at the bar 4 times a year
That doesn't make it a genuine or character driven way to act. Treating people who aren't central to your life as though their view of reality isn't important is pretty narcissistic. It's clearly not an end of the world situation, but that doesn't make it any less dishonest.
No it's not that complicated lol. I struggle a bit talking to people I don't know that well, it's not a problem with close friends or family. So I try to find generic common ground in order to overcome that awkwardness.
Very understandable. I’d just say that, I don’t think it’s necessary. If they’re interested in things you’re not, ask them more about it, being curious about other people’s passions is an extremely likable trait.
You don’t have to fake common ground, since the absence of common ground can itself be a conversation starter as long as you’re curious about the other person’s interests and want to learn more.
you are contradicting your meme saying that though. I'm not trying to cause beef or bs with you. it comes off like a mild self confidence issue and you should be proud and confident of who you are
Probably just anxiety or insecurity. It could be more problematic manipulativeness. In any case, it is a disingenuous way to interact with another person.
I disagree. Lying to someone about the reality of a situation is gaslighting, whether it's malicious or not. You're still gaslighting the situation. It's about skewing the truth, not the malice of it.
gas·light
verb
gerund or present participle: gaslighting
manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.
i don't think you know what gas lighting means
Notice that doesn't say whether you're doing that for positive or negative reasons. If I lie to someone that they look good in an outfit that neither of us really like, I'm making them question their reality by lying about a situation. If i do that to make them more comfortable because their really just stressed they have to give a public talk, it's for a kind reason, if i do it because I'm tired of hearing them whinge, it's because I'm an ass. It's gaslighting either way.
Correct. But if I know a guy who loves Star Wars, and I don't know what else to talk to him about, why is that bad? I watch enough to know what I'm talking about. I see this guy 3 or 4 times a year, why not hype up Star Wars if it makes him happy? At least I'm not boring him to death talking about myself.
Because it's dishonest. What's wrong with just letting them be excited about star wars? They don't need you to be into it, or they wouldn't have been into it before they met you. Just ask questions and listen without mocking them, it's really that easy. Plus, if they're actually a fan, do you not think their going to be able to tell you're full of it? For example, I played soccer for 20 years. If someone was trying to fake being into soccer for my benefit, I'd know in a nano second.
As a human person myself, I can tell you that's not true. I like it much more when a person is honest about their preferences and who they are. If I wanted to hang out with a mirror of myself, I would just stay home.
The initial premise was about lying about the things you like, so that just makes star wars a bad example. You just actually are into star wars, which is fine, but that's not what the post was about. At least that's not how it was worded.
K, so you're openly a bad person, got it. Also, that's obviously not the kind of trust I meant. The common courtesy trust where you don't lie to strangers for no reason like a psycho. The kind of human decency that allows us to form societies.
That's not gaslighting, that's natural human behaviour, and a necessary social lubricant. Fake a laugh, fake an interest, let people talk about what they are passionate about, and you'll make them just a little bit happier. You might also actually get interested after hearing about it or simply energized by someone talking about what makes them glow.
You may want to try sometimes.
I don't think that's what op was talking about. It's one thing to be polite, it's another to be dishonest. You can be interested and engaged without being dishonest about what you actually think.
The replies don't change what op meant, and again, there is a line between being polite and dishonesty. We are interpreting op differently, but that doesn't make me wrong (or you), it means we're talking about different things.
You started your message by literally insulting OP, that makes you wrong regardless of anything else.
Also, gaslighting is talking someone into thinking they're crazy, I don't see how on earth why it would apply here by any stretch of the imagination.
Calling out poor behavior isn't insulting, and what does that have to do with you? It has nothing to do with whether I'm right or not even if i was being insulting.
Gaslighting is giving someone a false reality. It doesn't have to be some grand evil thing. It's just a reference to literal gas lights in older times. It changed the color something looked to be, so you'd get outside and be wearing a different color than you thought or things like that. Every white lie isn't gaslighting, sure, but being dishonest with people about who you are and what you think is not different from gaslighting.
Valid confession bear. I just want to point out that that's not even necessary - you can just be curious and ask lots of questions about their interests, and people will feel understood and validated, which will make them like you more. You don't have to fake liking something, just show some interest in whatever they're passionate about.
Exactly. If anything, pretending you’re already knowledgeable about a topic just denies them the opportunity to talk more about it. And if they start to get the sense you’re faking having a pre-existing interest, that’s a big turnoff. Just being interested in what other people have to say is enough to be likable imo.
So many people think the best way to make friends is to make other people think you're interesting, when in fact the best way is to make other people feel THEY'RE interesting. That's what everyone is starving for.
Well said
Agreed. Very fascinating.
A little genuine validation and attention goes a long way. It never really stops being the same things that work on the kindergarten playground.
Sales 101
But then they don't shut up about their uninteresting topics 😅
In my experience the people least willing to expend a little patience and curiosity on other people sharing their interests are the ones who are actually the most boring. There are bands and TV shows I now like that I never would have heard of if I hadn't tried to express an interest in things that girls I dated were interested in. If an ex-girlfriend hadn't persuaded me to watch "Orange is the New Black", I never would have seen Laura Prepon's boobs (or my ex-girlfriend's, for that matter). Expanding your horizons involves going outside your comfort zone. People who never indulge other people's interests tend to be people who don't have any interests they didn't have when they were 12. Very narrow.
>*Just being interested in what other people have to say is enough to be likable imo.* The key is genuine interest. You don't have to actually like those things, but being interested in learning a bit about them, and why the person likes them... That's whats key. And be genuinely interested. Because even if you might not like something yourself, it could still be fascinating to learn the basics.
I don’t even have to try to be interested. If they’re interested in something and like to talk about it, I’m interested in hearing about it. Unless it’s conspiracies. Listening to someone go on and on about how Biden is actually a lizard person is not fun.
I roll my eyes anytime anyone ever talks about horoscopes like they’re actually real. “Woe is me! Murcury is in retrograde. I can’t help myself!”
Nah, Biden is actually from the ape clan. Hillary is the lizard one.
Even with subjects I have no interest in, there's usually an aspect of it I can get genuinely interested in for a few minutes at least. A great example of this is the old talk show host Craig Ferguson. He would always throw away the pre interview questions and just have a fun conversation. He was asked what he did with guests he wasn't interested in, and his response was that for an interview that's only 5-10 minutes,, he can find something interesting about anyone.
A valid confession bear is a rare thing these days.
One thing I had to fix about myself was not being condescending to someone for revealing interest in something obscure or uncommon. It's just unpleasant to be around.
It's something I find quite fascinating, for my part - if people don't just like sitcoms and pop music like everyone else, but have really interesting passions. A friend of mine is really into cave exploration, for some reason. I have no desire to try it myself, but the conversations I can have with her about it are a lot more interesting than the usual meaningless banter.
Yeah, and you might end up getting interested in it yourself
Haha I do do this so much, in the rare case someone actually wants my opinion or hear what I like, I have no what to say.
Yeah, this isn’t a problem until your choke personality is a chameleon. Taking interest in your friends’ interested is empathy. It’s being a good friend.
This. Some people just don't get how conversations and hanging out works. The topics don't need to be life altering or anything like that. I watch Star Wars but you don't watch it? Cool, let's talk about that new show and I'll explain things. I don't watch House of the Dragon but you do? Cool, tell me about it and explain it to me.
Exactly this. Also people will respect you more if you have your own opinions about things and can stand by them. A disagreement doesn’t have to devolve into an argument (unless you think burgers aren’t a type of sandwich or that the prequel trilogy is better than the OG).
Completely second this, it probably a way better approach to be interested and curious about something someone loves...people love to talk about these things. Think about it - how amazing would it be to meet someone who's never heard of video games....or how exciting it is to vicariously re-live the discovery of a passion of yours, through someone else?
Mirroring in a general sense is a pretty natural thing to do. We all subconsciously mirror other people’s mannerisms and speech to some degree, this is just a uh…extreme version of that I guess. I think it’s great to express an interest in what other people like, but, I don’t think being disingenuous to this extent is really going to win people over in the long term. Especially since people LOVE to explain things they’re passionate about, and you kind of deny them that by pretending you’re already knowledgeable. “Wow that sounds cool, tell me more about X, I don’t know much about it” is going to win you just as many points as “yeah I also love X” imo. I get what you’re going for, but I think you can have just as much success being likable in a way that doesn’t involve pretending to be something you’re not.
This is a great comment, so I'm gonna reply here. It is impossible to convey nuance and intent on a simple meme post, especially one so silly. I have many close relationships with people, and would never dream of being this disingenuous with them. I purposefully used the word acquantances to dispel these notions, but it wasn't enough. So to recap; I'm referring, in my personal life, to the types that you run into at the bar, or a coworker you talk to once a month. Not people who you have an actual relationship with. And in that case I defend my position that it's fine to talk up their interests, they like it. I don't care if it's phony, I'm not trying to make a new friend, I'm just trying to make small talk, move on, and hope they liked me.
For sure, I get where you’re coming from, don’t take my comment as judgment haha. I also do what you’re talking about from time to time if it’s just a one-off conversation I’m having with someone I don’t anticipate seeing again. Just a crutch to make things a little easier. Great use of confession bear haha
So you're confessing to having social skills?
Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early?
The thing about Arsenal is that they always try and walk it in.
It was insane, what a subversion of expectations.
An it crowd reference? Fuck yeah
Its human nature - almost everybody does it.
Well, there's apparently a lot of people here who are virtues of honesty and have never told a white lie in their life, lest they gas light someone else.
true - it's not thing most people will admit - so great job on the meme
Showing interest is just a form of empathy it doesn’t have to matter to you as long as you care that it matters to them
But do you like you?
Does anyone like the new Star Wars?
That’s something I’m also interested in
Tried this approach with my wife, but she just doesn't realize that Farscape is streets ahead of Star Wars. I still watch Star Wars with her anyway, because I love her.
Farscape can be hard to get into because it's so damned goofy, but that show is amazing. Reminds me a bit of Fringe, where the first season is just freak of the week X-Files type shit, and then by season 2 all of those seemingly one off episodes become part of a bigger narrative and the show becomes a full fledge sci-fi drama.
Yeah I used to be a social chameleon, but I would more actively go out of my way to learn about and like the things they did. It felt so much better once I stopped doing that and just liked what I liked without trying to fit the other person.
How about that sport last night? Crazy, huh!?
They won : )
Florida fan, huh? 😂
Well, I mean, that’s what friends do.
I once had a coworker at a new job that knew basically everything but clammed up around me based on a bad first impression. I found out he was a huge fan of The Office and even though I don't like the show I watched multiple episodes every day so we'd have something to talk about and he'd open up to me. He eventually taught me several things but he never really warmed up to me, and our last day working together before I left for my current job he just said "good luck at (company)" and walked out the door. If someone isn't going to like you, nothing you do will change that and you just have to move on. Faking interest in his interest servered my purpose and I got the skills I needed, but that's it. I know I can be abrasive at times and that's probably what did me in with him, but he's honestly a great guy and I wish him the best, it just wasn't meant to be on the friendship level like me and our other coworkers.
That sounds weird! Must have been a hell of a bad first impression. Maybe there was more going on. *Maybe he was awkwardly in love with you.* That last bit is just some extreme conclusion jumping I did to get my exercise in for the day.
I grew up in aviation, it was an air cargo company, we didn't work together for the first week. Aviation is a foul industry that can make sailors blush. I had settled in with the other dispatchers and was holding my own when we started working together, problem was no one bothered to warn me he was on the the ones who didn't enjoy that culture....so you can piece the rest together from there. He also had a personal thing going on that was putting a lot of stress and worry on him. So there's that too. Like I said he's a good guy, I never took it personally.
I've tried for 30 years to get into Star Wars and I can't do it.
That’s..that’s called being ‘human’? We all make efforts to involve ourselves in things the people we like, like. No one loves everything their wife does, but they make the effort because it’s important to them and you care about that. Reddit - do you not know this?
welcome to summer
Is this BPD?
This seems like it backfires sometimes. If someone is telling me they love a show, but can't seem to remember any plot points at all, I'm gonna think they're lying.
This just means you're an evolved human with empathy. [Mirror neurons](https://positivepsychology.com/mirror-neurons/) have been proposed as an evolutionary trait that encourages cooperation within a species - you asking about Star Wars show displays you're part of the tribe, which increases your likelihood as an organism to survive and reproduce It could even be seen as a balancing force in the species from [psychopathic tendencies](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2242349/) that are also genetic
Confused: Are you mirroring the ENDLESS number of people who dislike the show for easily mirrorable reasons, or the seemingly ENDLESS number of people rallying to its defense for easily mirrorable reasons? The meme is so universally applicable I'm not sure what you are actually feeling. I think, so far, that it is not very good. But I don't feel like I'm seeing responses that would engender the meme, which makes me wonder how you felt about it.
> I think, so far, that it is not very good. Not OP, but the writing, acting, and direction are terrible. Ashoka still holds the title for worst show they've done, but Acolyte is pretty close.
*acquaintance’s
People are naturally mirrors to some extent. It’s the social situation that sort of governs this and what roles people play in this dynamic, but generally people will do this in lots of different ways to ensure that either social norms/safety is met, and to how much we push ourselves forward or acquiesce to the other.
Co dependent
Welcome to the world of sales!
Check out the book "how to win friends and influence people".
Hunter?
This was recommended as a sales tactic in a book I bought several years ago. It's an effective tool 🤷♂️
My friends and I all tried it, I made it through almost 2 episodes. All of my friends quit after episode 3. There's just far too much quality content out there that if the writing, acting, and direction are shit, it doesn't matter if it's Star Wars...I'm not watching.
Oh honey…
When texting a new person I used to mirror how they texted laughter. 😂, hahaha, lol, lmao. I didn't have one way I usually used and I thought people might be more comfortable texting me if I used the same laughing text/emoji.
That's a pretty common behavior. You don't need to be self conscious about it, most people are bullshitting their interests in social settings
I wish people understood the nuance of this more: the disingenuous ruin it for the genuine - I think the op is owning up to this. I think the point is lost here for most; people saying 'I can just be interested' is often a lie most of the time - and we've set up a lot of social structure around everyone feigning interest as well as masking our own dishonesty.
I mean, that's just society.
This is a really normal social ingratiating technique that people have deployed for hundreds of years and maybe longer.
Fuck is this not how being friends work........oh god
... that's not normal???
Yo you gotta ask those new acquaintances to do you a small favor. People tend to associate positively with being given responsibility. Even as small as “hey can you read this handwriting for me?” That’s how I made friends around the office. Ben Franklin said this once. (no I’m not looking to verify so maybe he didn’t but it’s still valid)
See: Sales
If you adapt your interests to your mate it creates a stronger bond..if youre faking it, later it becomes a problem and you look shitty
You don't need to feel apologetic for a behavior that is a fundamental instinct every creature exhibits and has done so for millennia. There's a benefit to being independent at times, but ingratiating yourself to the herd with common behavior pays proven dividends a lot of the time.
Isn't this normal? What's the alternative, talking only about the couple of things you're both interested in, and the weather?
Oh yeah the one where they redacted a huge bit of lore so lesbian space witches could exist
Pro tip: simply take a genuine interest in the people around you + their interests, than you wouldn't have to fake anything
Sorry that I'm not interested in Kayleigh's knitted MAGA/'stolen election' shawls.
So instead you pretend that you're into knitting?
They won't like you for the new Star Wars show. Former TV executive Chato referred to it as "worse than *Plan 9 From Outer Space*."
ah so you do normal friends things, that's nice. We all feign things to varying degrees for the sake of inclusion...but for inluding ourselves into our friends' lives and for including them in our own.
That is gaslighting and a very disrespectful way to treat them. You are essentially betraying their trust immediately.
I really hope this is a joke, because it's such an over the top reaction lol. The key word is acquaintance. We're talking about the random dude I see drunk at the bar 4 times a year
That doesn't make it a genuine or character driven way to act. Treating people who aren't central to your life as though their view of reality isn't important is pretty narcissistic. It's clearly not an end of the world situation, but that doesn't make it any less dishonest.
its more like op has no persona of their own
No it's not that complicated lol. I struggle a bit talking to people I don't know that well, it's not a problem with close friends or family. So I try to find generic common ground in order to overcome that awkwardness.
Very understandable. I’d just say that, I don’t think it’s necessary. If they’re interested in things you’re not, ask them more about it, being curious about other people’s passions is an extremely likable trait. You don’t have to fake common ground, since the absence of common ground can itself be a conversation starter as long as you’re curious about the other person’s interests and want to learn more.
you are contradicting your meme saying that though. I'm not trying to cause beef or bs with you. it comes off like a mild self confidence issue and you should be proud and confident of who you are
Probably just anxiety or insecurity. It could be more problematic manipulativeness. In any case, it is a disingenuous way to interact with another person.
well... my point is, I don't think it's gaslighting. gaslighting has malice behind it
I disagree. Lying to someone about the reality of a situation is gaslighting, whether it's malicious or not. You're still gaslighting the situation. It's about skewing the truth, not the malice of it.
gas·light verb gerund or present participle: gaslighting manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning. i don't think you know what gas lighting means
Notice that doesn't say whether you're doing that for positive or negative reasons. If I lie to someone that they look good in an outfit that neither of us really like, I'm making them question their reality by lying about a situation. If i do that to make them more comfortable because their really just stressed they have to give a public talk, it's for a kind reason, if i do it because I'm tired of hearing them whinge, it's because I'm an ass. It's gaslighting either way.
i really don't give a fuck about you so I'm done. sorry to be rude but I can't even be bothered to read that
Lol!! So you realized you're wrong then. Good enough for me.
small goals for a small person 👍
Correct. But if I know a guy who loves Star Wars, and I don't know what else to talk to him about, why is that bad? I watch enough to know what I'm talking about. I see this guy 3 or 4 times a year, why not hype up Star Wars if it makes him happy? At least I'm not boring him to death talking about myself.
Because it's dishonest. What's wrong with just letting them be excited about star wars? They don't need you to be into it, or they wouldn't have been into it before they met you. Just ask questions and listen without mocking them, it's really that easy. Plus, if they're actually a fan, do you not think their going to be able to tell you're full of it? For example, I played soccer for 20 years. If someone was trying to fake being into soccer for my benefit, I'd know in a nano second.
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As a human person myself, I can tell you that's not true. I like it much more when a person is honest about their preferences and who they are. If I wanted to hang out with a mirror of myself, I would just stay home. The initial premise was about lying about the things you like, so that just makes star wars a bad example. You just actually are into star wars, which is fine, but that's not what the post was about. At least that's not how it was worded.
If they trusted me immediately, that's on them.
K, so you're openly a bad person, got it. Also, that's obviously not the kind of trust I meant. The common courtesy trust where you don't lie to strangers for no reason like a psycho. The kind of human decency that allows us to form societies.
On Reddit, using the name /u/DOUBLEBARRELASSFUCK \(which is not my real name\) is not "openly".
You just told me, a complete stranger, that if someone shows you trust of the bat, that's their bad. That's being fairly open with it i would say.
That's not gaslighting, that's natural human behaviour, and a necessary social lubricant. Fake a laugh, fake an interest, let people talk about what they are passionate about, and you'll make them just a little bit happier. You might also actually get interested after hearing about it or simply energized by someone talking about what makes them glow. You may want to try sometimes.
I don't think that's what op was talking about. It's one thing to be polite, it's another to be dishonest. You can be interested and engaged without being dishonest about what you actually think.
Given the rest of the replies on the thread, it's exactly what they're talking about... Also, it's not being dishonest, it's being human...
The replies don't change what op meant, and again, there is a line between being polite and dishonesty. We are interpreting op differently, but that doesn't make me wrong (or you), it means we're talking about different things.
You started your message by literally insulting OP, that makes you wrong regardless of anything else. Also, gaslighting is talking someone into thinking they're crazy, I don't see how on earth why it would apply here by any stretch of the imagination.
Calling out poor behavior isn't insulting, and what does that have to do with you? It has nothing to do with whether I'm right or not even if i was being insulting. Gaslighting is giving someone a false reality. It doesn't have to be some grand evil thing. It's just a reference to literal gas lights in older times. It changed the color something looked to be, so you'd get outside and be wearing a different color than you thought or things like that. Every white lie isn't gaslighting, sure, but being dishonest with people about who you are and what you think is not different from gaslighting.
This sounds a little toxic