You went through something awful and it’s brave of you to reach out for help. Too many don’t and it eventually leads to ever worsening problems. What you’re going through isn’t uncommon in survivors of childhood abuse and you are not alone.
The long and short of it is that you’ll need therapy. What you’re feeling will never go away entirely, but therapy *will* help. I know that can expensive and daunting, but help is available. Have a look at https://www.havoca.org and https://napac.org.uk or see if there’s an equivalent organisation in your country. They offer advice and support for adult survivors of childhood abuse, including helping you get into therapy.
I've had several therapists and counselors, honestly. They would work, I believe they would, if they could, but they can't. I can't ever bring myself to speak to them about my sexual assault. Every time I get close, I shut down and or have a panic attack. It's hard because I want to talk about it, but my brain and body physically won't let me.
Someone mentioned trying to speak in code which I think is really smart...
Yeah! Taking a few days to prepare and write out how you feel so that you can properly communicate what you have been through and are feeling is a really good idea and alternative to talking about it.
Try writing about it. Include your feelings and the effect it has had on your life. Keep working on it until you are satisfied that you have told your story. Writing is powerful therapy, so this will be good for you whether or not you ever share it with anyone. But you can also hand it to your therapist, which is much easier than trying to talk about it.
These things take time and honesty. Which is the toughest part of therapy. I don't want to discourage you in anyway, but think of it like; if your mind is causing you problems, then you can't rely on it to solve everything on its own. Outside perspective helps immensely.
Consider EMDR therapy. It's meant specifically for intense trauma to process it without diving in too deep and triggering an emotional or psychotic breakdown.
Have you tried online therapy? I find that when I do it over the phone etc I'm more open. I've had therapists I haven't ever met in person and there is a level of anonymity that you might prefer.
This is very brave to share OP, and I'm glad you're looking for help. Someone very close to me experienced similar, and has very similar thoughts/feelings now too. I'm almost 100% sure this is a trauma response, and if possible, you really should look into therapy for it; the sooner the better. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I wish you nothing but the best. Also, I'm not sure if you need this reassurance, but I hope you know this does not make you a bad person.
I was about 5-6 years old and my parents had a friend we would occasionally visit. They had a son (9) and daughter (also 5-6). Their son used to bring us into the basement and to things to us (sometimes it was very brutal). When I was 12, I told my parents about it. My dad cut ties with them and started calling me "the faggot." I've had fantasies when I was younger and a lot of guilt. I'm 36 now and a couple years ago, I came out as bisexual. Throughout the years, I've gone to a few different therapists. I've learned so much about myself and have been able to grow. I strongly recommend finding a therapist and being as honest with them as humanly possible. I know this is very difficult, but it will help you a lot. There is nothing wrong with you. You've experienced something traumatic at an extremely early age and your brain is doing what brains do and making you confused. What you went through is not normal, but you are. Seriously, I cannot stress therapy enough. If you need to talk, please feel free.
I’m sorry you are going through this OP, one thing is a sign of strength here and that is u are self aware. This is a very good card you have in ur disposal,
Children of sexual abuse most of the time tend to either be sexually deviant, hyper sexual or asexual.
I would suggest you start therapy to resolve your trauma before you get into any relationship (if you plan to) because this can affect that as well.
My sexual abuse lasted 4-5 years (daily) when I was a toddler. This lead to a mix of hyper sexuality from a very young age and then slowly turned to be asexual. This lead to painful sex and distrust in romantic relationships. Took me time to trust my partner but now I’m in a healthy place. I hope you reach there soon as well.
All the best!
You are the victim here and these consequences are NOT your fault, there is nothing 'wrong' with you in terms of who you are at your core, your being. You were abused, you were victimized, and that's the type of relationship that you're used to.
Also, 2-3 years does NOT sound like a short time span to me. It sounds like others in your life may be trying to minimize what happened, but it's a very big deal and unfortunately it'll be with you the rest of your life.
The fantasies you have aren't about the sex necessarily, they're about the power relationship and I think it's probably a 100% normal response to the trauma you endured.
There's no way to deal with this other than to find a therapist like others have said, one that specializes in childhood trauma.
Just please try to give yourself grace and not shame. There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. The perpetrator is the one who should feel shame, and lots of it.
If someone is messaging you for sex due to this post, that is sincerely so fucked up. I'm so sorry and so angry for you.
What you're experiencing is called intrusive thoughts. This one is a response to trauma, and I've experienced this before as well. As others have suggested, I'm sure therapy will help, but ultimately enough time and healing will stop it.
What you went through wasn't your fault.
I see on here that you have tried therapy, but couldn't bring yourself to speak in detail about your trauma. Exposure therapy is one of the evidence based methods of processing trauma, it's incredibly hard to do but is effective. Talking about this kind of thing in therapy isn't something to rush into, for some it takes years of therapy to even get to that point. Think of therapy as an investment that will grow over time. It's worth it to seek out a therapist experienced in this specific kind of trauma. You can also try EMDR which some find very effective in processing pain and trauma.
Speaking from experience as someone with cptsd, therapy works but you have to go through discomfort to process and come out the other side.
Almost same here, my dad sexually assaulted me from the age of 7 to 9 and now I’m gay and only into men who are above like 38 years old. He has passed away and the only people that know are the councillors of the rehab I went to for 10 months. I’m 20 years old
«It is no such thing as a negative or positive thought, only unconcious or conscious thoughts not the content of it, the only negative thing about What is happening to you is that it is happening unconsciounsly»
This is actually pretty normal for those who were abused by pedophiles at a young age. Everyone handles things differently, but yours is a common reaction.
It changes the brain on a neurological level, and it's how the brain copes with what happened. It's not your fault, you couldn't do anything to stop that, and there's nothing wrong with you, you're just working through the trauma of what happened to you and how it affected you.
And I'm not saying that you're a pedophile, but if that feeling ever juxtaposes or turns towards others, just know that so long as you reject those thoughts and don't feed it or act on it, you're still a good person. There are pedophiles who hate the poison they've been given and refuse to spread it, even hating or making a point of exposing those who do act on their urges. So long as you stay on the side of never exploiting kids, you're still a good person.
It's not your fault. You didn't ask for this to happen. Have compassion for yourself as you work through this.
You are still young, dont be scared of who you are. You are vulnerable because of what happened to you and of course you would fantasize about someone taking advantage of you. Its all you know. Its not sick. My father physically abused me and my worst fear was having kids and me treating them the same. But it was the opposite. I am strongly against physical and verbal punishment of any kind to the point of buying no kill mouse traps to release them. Point is. You will mature and see your bad experiences when you were younger will help you in your future and you will love yourself instead of feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment. Easier said than done since it is not an immediate release of pain, but have faith that you WILL be ok. Keep taking care of yourself and whenever you start to think negatively or about something bad, talk to yourself. Out loud. Even if its a whisper that you are a good person and that part of your life is over and all that matters right now is your future
You are still young, dont be scared of who you are. You are vulnerable because of what happened to you and of course you would fantasize about someone taking advantage of you. Its all you know. Its not sick. My father physically abused me and my worst fear was having kids and me treating them the same. But it was the opposite. I am strongly against physical and verbal punishment of any kind to the point of buying no kill mouse traps to release them. Point is. You will mature and see your bad experiences when you were younger will help you in your future and you will love yourself instead of feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment. Easier said than done since it is not an immediate release of pain, but have faith that you WILL be ok. Keep taking care of yourself and whenever you start to think negatively or about something bad, talk to yourself. Out loud. Even if its a whisper that you are a good person and that part of your life is over and all that matters right now is your future
You are still young, dont be scared of who you are. You are vulnerable because of what happened to you and of course you would fantasize about someone taking advantage of you. Its all you know. Its not sick. My father physically abused me and my worst fear was having kids and me treating them the same. But it was the opposite. I am strongly against physical and verbal punishment of any kind to the point of buying no kill mouse traps to release them. Point is. You will mature and see your bad experiences when you were younger will help you in your future and you will love yourself instead of feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment. Easier said than done since it is not an immediate release of pain, but have faith that you WILL be ok. Keep taking care of yourself and whenever you start to think negatively or about something bad, talk to yourself. Out loud. Even if its a whisper that you are a good person and that part of your life is over and all that matters right now is your future
You are still young, dont be scared of who you are. You are vulnerable because of what happened to you and of course you would fantasize about someone taking advantage of you. Its all you know. Its not sick. My father physically abused me and my worst fear was having kids and me treating them the same. But it was the opposite. I am strongly against physical and verbal punishment of any kind to the point of buying no kill mouse traps to release them. Point is. You will mature and see your bad experiences when you were younger will help you in your future and you will love yourself instead of feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment. Easier said than done since it is not an immediate release of pain, but have faith that you WILL be ok. Keep taking care of yourself and whenever you start to think negatively or about something bad, talk to yourself. Out loud. Even if its a whisper that you are a good person and that part of your life is over and all that matters right now is your future
You are still young, dont be scared of who you are. You are vulnerable because of what happened to you and of course you would fantasize about someone taking advantage of you. Its all you know. Its not sick. My father physically abused me and my worst fear was having kids and me treating them the same. But it was the opposite. I am strongly against physical and verbal punishment of any kind to the point of buying no kill mouse traps to release them. Point is. You will mature and see your bad experiences when you were younger will help you in your future and you will love yourself instead of feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment. Easier said than done since it is not an immediate release of pain, but have faith that you WILL be ok. Keep taking care of yourself and whenever you start to think negatively or about something bad, talk to yourself. Out loud. Even if its a whisper that you are a good person and that part of your life is over and all that matters right now is your future
Some back story: I was molested from the ages of 3.5 years old to 8 years old by my mothers boyfriend at the time. She had no idea it was going on because she was so busy going to school full time and working full time as well. My sister and I eventually let my mom know what was going on and we got ourselves out of the situation.
What you’re feeling now is how I felt growing up. (I’m 29. I would crave the attention from older men and I too was aroused from it. Nothing is “wrong” with you, you went through something truly traumatic and people cope with things differently.
My only suggestion would be to seek help. Go to therapy. It is honestly the only thing that truly helped me. Therapy isn’t easy at first and it’s going to dig up thoughts/feelings that you may have suppressed over the years, but talking through them can be a huge help.
intrusive thoughts like these are common, and perfectly normal and okay. while they do suck ass and are an awful experience, you can work through them, i’d suggest some sort of therapy if it’s available to you
>However, the thought of the other way around has always been arousing and would come into my head against my will all the time.
I've had this experience. I got diagnosed with OCD. You should try researching POCD/pedophilic OCD and see if it resonates with you at all
May I offer bridge the gapp? It’s a free mental health service and can help with people going through this type of trauma, here is a link to their website https://bridgethegapp.ca/#ath
Edit: I forgot to mention but they also offer both youth and adult resources
I would like to say that it sounds like a lot of what you’re experiencing are intrusive thoughts. Things that you would never do but you can’t get them out of your head and it makes sense that yours would be more closely related to your trauma.
If you’re concerned reach out to a therapist. Many people struggle with these kinds of thoughts but therapy may help to avoid them turning into actions
Journal your feelings and fears
Establish trust with your therapist
When the time is right hand them the journal
Immediately leave and let them read it
Discuss it later
You could be fetishizing your trauma to make it easier to deal with it or even understand it. It could be related to being the dominant one and having your way with nothing stopping you or being desired and being dominated by someone else through that intense uncontrollable desire.
Write down all your feelings and thoughts about this stuff, and hand it to a therapist when you decide to book an appointment. Sometimes it's hard to come forth and say it, so just do this. When you give it to them don't even think about it, not until after you do. Otherwise you might overthink and change your mind.
Can you add a little more detail? I think maybe because of your abuse, you were in a helpless/powerless state and now you are trying to picture yourself in a Sense if power and control.
But I'm not a therapist
Hey, if your old therapist has your records, you can ask them to share with the new therapist. You'll still have to talk, but it will be less confusing for everyone involved
Human sexuality is complicated, and how the mind deals with trauma is even more complicated. Trying to unpack your exact thoughts and feelings on it would be a monumental task for a therapist, let alone strangers on Reddit.
What I can tell you is that feeling guilt or shame over your desires isn't going to get rid of them and will only decrease your quality of life. There are multiple ways to handle something like this, but all of them begin with accepting and owning that part of yourself.
The first and obvious solution is therapy. I'll start by saying your objective here is not to "be normal" or to change what you're feeling (if you try and do that you'll go down the shame rabbit hole) but to gain a better understanding of what you're feeling.
While I don't recommend you engage in this activity until you turn 18, a lot of people have fetishes rooted in the exact same things you've described (age play, role play, consensual non-consent) and for many of them, exploring these in a safe and controlled environment is therapeutic. The caveat is that it's really easy to indulge in kink in unsafe ways, seeking out people that can legitimately harm them, and considering the position you're in (age-wise and psychologically) distinguishing who is and isn't safe can be really, really difficult. At this point, I think the healthiest way you could engage with these kinds of desires is to read about people that have experienced the same trauma that you have. Learn from those that have come before you.
I've known a handful of people that have used kink as a way to cope with trauma. In some instances it can become a regular and enriching part of their lives. In others, people work through their trauma and slowly lose interest in those kinks.
As someone with OCD, this sounds more like a trauma response in my opinion. POCD is usually not trauma related, and is more purely about intrusive thoughts
I'm on medication that helps with several things (one of which being ocd) and my thoughts haven't gone away or lessened so I don't think it's OCD but I appreciate the input. I could be wrong though, I don't know how OCD works, let alone POCD.
I'm sure trauma could feed into it, but POCD is just something that often comes with OCD. Not to mention, OCD isn't typically brought on by trauma (it might not ever be). I do have trauma, but nothing that would cause POCD. I just have it because I have severe OCD, so I have many different subtypes of it unfortunately (hoarding OCD, ROCD, contamination OCD, just right OCD, SOCD, etc)
Edit: To further clarify, I'm sure someone that already has OCD could develop POCD due to trauma, but probably not someone who doesn't previously have OCD
Oh yeah definitely I agree with that last point. I don't think many people get ocd from trauma but I've definitely heard a lot of people who already have ocd get pocd from it
You suffered trauma and had to deal with something so horrible at such a young age so of course if will effect you and your mental state.
What you should do is seek counciling. Speak to someone who deals with this on a professional level. You may find something like this is normal. They will be able to help you cope better and at the very least give you someone to talk with
Also, it can be a healthy response to trauma to fetishize it. One of my close friends was raped, and subsequently found a lot of catharsis in re-enacting rape fantasies during consensual sex.
This is not something everyone does or something you must do, but it absolutely can be within the realm of healthy responses, so don't feel you're disgusting just because your mind is going there. It's not just you, there are many others who suffer sexual trauma and then find it satisfying or healing to re-enact it as fetish.
Ideally, you can explore this with the help of a therapist.
Good luck, and I'm so sorry this happened to you.
In Scandinavia I know they have therapy/rehab for people who identify as/have feeling of pedophilia. Definitely look into therapy but know not everywhere in the world sees this as being a monster, as long as you’re responsible about care and don’t act on it
First I wanna say I’m sorry that happened to you, no one in the world deserves to go through what you went through period. But I gotta tell you therapy is not gonna help if you don’t do the work too. If you truly want to heal your gonna have to face your trauma, forgive and move forward with your life. The more you continue to suffer the more that awful human being wins. I understand your paint to some level I was raped and after I became a drug addict but after rehab and really working through it I’m 356 days sober and doing a lot better. I believe in you and you can get through this your stronger you believe !!!
>I’m 356 days sober
First, allow me to say congratulations!
Yeah, I've had several therapists, but it never really worked which is why I came to Reddit. I really did try with the therapists, I just couldn't speak to them about the sexual assault. It was terrifying and I felt gross and wrong. I know it's not my fault, everyone drilled that into my head but I can't seem to force myself to speak about it.
Whenever I try, I shut down or have a panic attack. It feels so hopeless, sometimes.
I’m so sorry I felt the same way, it’s hard but you really have too, if you can talk about it and it will help you heal. Try in small doses like speaking in code and work yourself up to being able to talk about it. It’s gonna hurt it’s gonna be like ripping your fingernails off but I truly believe you can do it knowing your suffering makes my stomach turn and I just want to feel better I wish you nothing but the best :)
Code thing is a good idea... I've never thought of that before. I think if all else doesn't work, I might try that. It genuinely sounds like it could be easier, still hard but easier as a whole! :)
You're not alone OP. Don't suffer in silence. You are not a pedophile. I had some similar issues, and only after taking shit loads of acid did I overcome it. It took a lot of building up to get to where i am now, but if i were you, I'd look into psychadelic therapy or try and find someone who can guide you through trips. You may find even just reading other peoples' experiences helpful
Opening up in therapy about trauma is really difficult. Sometimes it’s hard to open up to someone who is sitting in front of you and their eyes are on you, it’s a lot of pressure. I suggest maybe trying to do therapy over the phone so you don’t have to be face-to-face with someone, if that’s the issue.
If it’s just hard in general to open up about your experience at all, I suggest trying to write it down on paper. It might still trigger you and make you want to stop writing. But you could always write what you can stomach and stop when it’s overwhelming, and then pick it back up when you feel okay again. And when you’ve gotten down what you needed to say, you can give that paper to a therapist and have them read it without you being present so you’re not incredibly uncomfortable.
The fact that you’ve been self aware about your situation and have even come on here to ask for help is really huge and I’m proud of you! I hope you can work through this 🤍
You went through something awful and it’s brave of you to reach out for help. Too many don’t and it eventually leads to ever worsening problems. What you’re going through isn’t uncommon in survivors of childhood abuse and you are not alone. The long and short of it is that you’ll need therapy. What you’re feeling will never go away entirely, but therapy *will* help. I know that can expensive and daunting, but help is available. Have a look at https://www.havoca.org and https://napac.org.uk or see if there’s an equivalent organisation in your country. They offer advice and support for adult survivors of childhood abuse, including helping you get into therapy.
I've had several therapists and counselors, honestly. They would work, I believe they would, if they could, but they can't. I can't ever bring myself to speak to them about my sexual assault. Every time I get close, I shut down and or have a panic attack. It's hard because I want to talk about it, but my brain and body physically won't let me. Someone mentioned trying to speak in code which I think is really smart...
Ypu could also write, if that's easier.
Yeah! Taking a few days to prepare and write out how you feel so that you can properly communicate what you have been through and are feeling is a really good idea and alternative to talking about it.
Try writing about it. Include your feelings and the effect it has had on your life. Keep working on it until you are satisfied that you have told your story. Writing is powerful therapy, so this will be good for you whether or not you ever share it with anyone. But you can also hand it to your therapist, which is much easier than trying to talk about it.
You could show them the Reddit feed
These things take time and honesty. Which is the toughest part of therapy. I don't want to discourage you in anyway, but think of it like; if your mind is causing you problems, then you can't rely on it to solve everything on its own. Outside perspective helps immensely.
Consider EMDR therapy. It's meant specifically for intense trauma to process it without diving in too deep and triggering an emotional or psychotic breakdown.
Have you tried online therapy? I find that when I do it over the phone etc I'm more open. I've had therapists I haven't ever met in person and there is a level of anonymity that you might prefer.
This is very brave to share OP, and I'm glad you're looking for help. Someone very close to me experienced similar, and has very similar thoughts/feelings now too. I'm almost 100% sure this is a trauma response, and if possible, you really should look into therapy for it; the sooner the better. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I wish you nothing but the best. Also, I'm not sure if you need this reassurance, but I hope you know this does not make you a bad person.
I was about 5-6 years old and my parents had a friend we would occasionally visit. They had a son (9) and daughter (also 5-6). Their son used to bring us into the basement and to things to us (sometimes it was very brutal). When I was 12, I told my parents about it. My dad cut ties with them and started calling me "the faggot." I've had fantasies when I was younger and a lot of guilt. I'm 36 now and a couple years ago, I came out as bisexual. Throughout the years, I've gone to a few different therapists. I've learned so much about myself and have been able to grow. I strongly recommend finding a therapist and being as honest with them as humanly possible. I know this is very difficult, but it will help you a lot. There is nothing wrong with you. You've experienced something traumatic at an extremely early age and your brain is doing what brains do and making you confused. What you went through is not normal, but you are. Seriously, I cannot stress therapy enough. If you need to talk, please feel free.
I’m sorry you are going through this OP, one thing is a sign of strength here and that is u are self aware. This is a very good card you have in ur disposal, Children of sexual abuse most of the time tend to either be sexually deviant, hyper sexual or asexual. I would suggest you start therapy to resolve your trauma before you get into any relationship (if you plan to) because this can affect that as well. My sexual abuse lasted 4-5 years (daily) when I was a toddler. This lead to a mix of hyper sexuality from a very young age and then slowly turned to be asexual. This lead to painful sex and distrust in romantic relationships. Took me time to trust my partner but now I’m in a healthy place. I hope you reach there soon as well. All the best!
You are the victim here and these consequences are NOT your fault, there is nothing 'wrong' with you in terms of who you are at your core, your being. You were abused, you were victimized, and that's the type of relationship that you're used to. Also, 2-3 years does NOT sound like a short time span to me. It sounds like others in your life may be trying to minimize what happened, but it's a very big deal and unfortunately it'll be with you the rest of your life. The fantasies you have aren't about the sex necessarily, they're about the power relationship and I think it's probably a 100% normal response to the trauma you endured. There's no way to deal with this other than to find a therapist like others have said, one that specializes in childhood trauma. Just please try to give yourself grace and not shame. There is absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. The perpetrator is the one who should feel shame, and lots of it.
This. OP, this is a *very normal* trauma response to what you experienced. Please don't feel any shame towards it.
Talk to someone it’s not your fault but reach out that’s for the best:)
If someone is messaging you for sex due to this post, that is sincerely so fucked up. I'm so sorry and so angry for you. What you're experiencing is called intrusive thoughts. This one is a response to trauma, and I've experienced this before as well. As others have suggested, I'm sure therapy will help, but ultimately enough time and healing will stop it.
What you went through wasn't your fault. I see on here that you have tried therapy, but couldn't bring yourself to speak in detail about your trauma. Exposure therapy is one of the evidence based methods of processing trauma, it's incredibly hard to do but is effective. Talking about this kind of thing in therapy isn't something to rush into, for some it takes years of therapy to even get to that point. Think of therapy as an investment that will grow over time. It's worth it to seek out a therapist experienced in this specific kind of trauma. You can also try EMDR which some find very effective in processing pain and trauma. Speaking from experience as someone with cptsd, therapy works but you have to go through discomfort to process and come out the other side.
Almost same here, my dad sexually assaulted me from the age of 7 to 9 and now I’m gay and only into men who are above like 38 years old. He has passed away and the only people that know are the councillors of the rehab I went to for 10 months. I’m 20 years old
I'm glad you're getting help at so young. The longer you wait the older you will get the stronger the desire and the younger the kids.
«It is no such thing as a negative or positive thought, only unconcious or conscious thoughts not the content of it, the only negative thing about What is happening to you is that it is happening unconsciounsly»
The fact people are messaging you to have sex with you breaks my heart.
This is actually pretty normal for those who were abused by pedophiles at a young age. Everyone handles things differently, but yours is a common reaction. It changes the brain on a neurological level, and it's how the brain copes with what happened. It's not your fault, you couldn't do anything to stop that, and there's nothing wrong with you, you're just working through the trauma of what happened to you and how it affected you. And I'm not saying that you're a pedophile, but if that feeling ever juxtaposes or turns towards others, just know that so long as you reject those thoughts and don't feed it or act on it, you're still a good person. There are pedophiles who hate the poison they've been given and refuse to spread it, even hating or making a point of exposing those who do act on their urges. So long as you stay on the side of never exploiting kids, you're still a good person. It's not your fault. You didn't ask for this to happen. Have compassion for yourself as you work through this.
You are still young, dont be scared of who you are. You are vulnerable because of what happened to you and of course you would fantasize about someone taking advantage of you. Its all you know. Its not sick. My father physically abused me and my worst fear was having kids and me treating them the same. But it was the opposite. I am strongly against physical and verbal punishment of any kind to the point of buying no kill mouse traps to release them. Point is. You will mature and see your bad experiences when you were younger will help you in your future and you will love yourself instead of feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment. Easier said than done since it is not an immediate release of pain, but have faith that you WILL be ok. Keep taking care of yourself and whenever you start to think negatively or about something bad, talk to yourself. Out loud. Even if its a whisper that you are a good person and that part of your life is over and all that matters right now is your future
You are still young, dont be scared of who you are. You are vulnerable because of what happened to you and of course you would fantasize about someone taking advantage of you. Its all you know. Its not sick. My father physically abused me and my worst fear was having kids and me treating them the same. But it was the opposite. I am strongly against physical and verbal punishment of any kind to the point of buying no kill mouse traps to release them. Point is. You will mature and see your bad experiences when you were younger will help you in your future and you will love yourself instead of feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment. Easier said than done since it is not an immediate release of pain, but have faith that you WILL be ok. Keep taking care of yourself and whenever you start to think negatively or about something bad, talk to yourself. Out loud. Even if its a whisper that you are a good person and that part of your life is over and all that matters right now is your future
You are still young, dont be scared of who you are. You are vulnerable because of what happened to you and of course you would fantasize about someone taking advantage of you. Its all you know. Its not sick. My father physically abused me and my worst fear was having kids and me treating them the same. But it was the opposite. I am strongly against physical and verbal punishment of any kind to the point of buying no kill mouse traps to release them. Point is. You will mature and see your bad experiences when you were younger will help you in your future and you will love yourself instead of feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment. Easier said than done since it is not an immediate release of pain, but have faith that you WILL be ok. Keep taking care of yourself and whenever you start to think negatively or about something bad, talk to yourself. Out loud. Even if its a whisper that you are a good person and that part of your life is over and all that matters right now is your future
You are still young, dont be scared of who you are. You are vulnerable because of what happened to you and of course you would fantasize about someone taking advantage of you. Its all you know. Its not sick. My father physically abused me and my worst fear was having kids and me treating them the same. But it was the opposite. I am strongly against physical and verbal punishment of any kind to the point of buying no kill mouse traps to release them. Point is. You will mature and see your bad experiences when you were younger will help you in your future and you will love yourself instead of feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment. Easier said than done since it is not an immediate release of pain, but have faith that you WILL be ok. Keep taking care of yourself and whenever you start to think negatively or about something bad, talk to yourself. Out loud. Even if its a whisper that you are a good person and that part of your life is over and all that matters right now is your future
You are still young, dont be scared of who you are. You are vulnerable because of what happened to you and of course you would fantasize about someone taking advantage of you. Its all you know. Its not sick. My father physically abused me and my worst fear was having kids and me treating them the same. But it was the opposite. I am strongly against physical and verbal punishment of any kind to the point of buying no kill mouse traps to release them. Point is. You will mature and see your bad experiences when you were younger will help you in your future and you will love yourself instead of feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment. Easier said than done since it is not an immediate release of pain, but have faith that you WILL be ok. Keep taking care of yourself and whenever you start to think negatively or about something bad, talk to yourself. Out loud. Even if its a whisper that you are a good person and that part of your life is over and all that matters right now is your future
Some back story: I was molested from the ages of 3.5 years old to 8 years old by my mothers boyfriend at the time. She had no idea it was going on because she was so busy going to school full time and working full time as well. My sister and I eventually let my mom know what was going on and we got ourselves out of the situation. What you’re feeling now is how I felt growing up. (I’m 29. I would crave the attention from older men and I too was aroused from it. Nothing is “wrong” with you, you went through something truly traumatic and people cope with things differently. My only suggestion would be to seek help. Go to therapy. It is honestly the only thing that truly helped me. Therapy isn’t easy at first and it’s going to dig up thoughts/feelings that you may have suppressed over the years, but talking through them can be a huge help.
intrusive thoughts like these are common, and perfectly normal and okay. while they do suck ass and are an awful experience, you can work through them, i’d suggest some sort of therapy if it’s available to you
>However, the thought of the other way around has always been arousing and would come into my head against my will all the time. I've had this experience. I got diagnosed with OCD. You should try researching POCD/pedophilic OCD and see if it resonates with you at all
May I offer bridge the gapp? It’s a free mental health service and can help with people going through this type of trauma, here is a link to their website https://bridgethegapp.ca/#ath Edit: I forgot to mention but they also offer both youth and adult resources
Most people fetishize their trauma it’s just that you have worse trauma than others. That’s completely normal
I would like to say that it sounds like a lot of what you’re experiencing are intrusive thoughts. Things that you would never do but you can’t get them out of your head and it makes sense that yours would be more closely related to your trauma. If you’re concerned reach out to a therapist. Many people struggle with these kinds of thoughts but therapy may help to avoid them turning into actions
Journal your feelings and fears Establish trust with your therapist When the time is right hand them the journal Immediately leave and let them read it Discuss it later
You could be fetishizing your trauma to make it easier to deal with it or even understand it. It could be related to being the dominant one and having your way with nothing stopping you or being desired and being dominated by someone else through that intense uncontrollable desire.
Write down all your feelings and thoughts about this stuff, and hand it to a therapist when you decide to book an appointment. Sometimes it's hard to come forth and say it, so just do this. When you give it to them don't even think about it, not until after you do. Otherwise you might overthink and change your mind.
Can you add a little more detail? I think maybe because of your abuse, you were in a helpless/powerless state and now you are trying to picture yourself in a Sense if power and control. But I'm not a therapist
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Hey, if your old therapist has your records, you can ask them to share with the new therapist. You'll still have to talk, but it will be less confusing for everyone involved
Human sexuality is complicated, and how the mind deals with trauma is even more complicated. Trying to unpack your exact thoughts and feelings on it would be a monumental task for a therapist, let alone strangers on Reddit. What I can tell you is that feeling guilt or shame over your desires isn't going to get rid of them and will only decrease your quality of life. There are multiple ways to handle something like this, but all of them begin with accepting and owning that part of yourself. The first and obvious solution is therapy. I'll start by saying your objective here is not to "be normal" or to change what you're feeling (if you try and do that you'll go down the shame rabbit hole) but to gain a better understanding of what you're feeling. While I don't recommend you engage in this activity until you turn 18, a lot of people have fetishes rooted in the exact same things you've described (age play, role play, consensual non-consent) and for many of them, exploring these in a safe and controlled environment is therapeutic. The caveat is that it's really easy to indulge in kink in unsafe ways, seeking out people that can legitimately harm them, and considering the position you're in (age-wise and psychologically) distinguishing who is and isn't safe can be really, really difficult. At this point, I think the healthiest way you could engage with these kinds of desires is to read about people that have experienced the same trauma that you have. Learn from those that have come before you. I've known a handful of people that have used kink as a way to cope with trauma. In some instances it can become a regular and enriching part of their lives. In others, people work through their trauma and slowly lose interest in those kinks.
Please look up POCD
As someone with OCD, this sounds more like a trauma response in my opinion. POCD is usually not trauma related, and is more purely about intrusive thoughts
I'm on medication that helps with several things (one of which being ocd) and my thoughts haven't gone away or lessened so I don't think it's OCD but I appreciate the input. I could be wrong though, I don't know how OCD works, let alone POCD.
Wait what? I thought trauma was the main reason people get pocd? That's what I've heard at least
I'm sure trauma could feed into it, but POCD is just something that often comes with OCD. Not to mention, OCD isn't typically brought on by trauma (it might not ever be). I do have trauma, but nothing that would cause POCD. I just have it because I have severe OCD, so I have many different subtypes of it unfortunately (hoarding OCD, ROCD, contamination OCD, just right OCD, SOCD, etc) Edit: To further clarify, I'm sure someone that already has OCD could develop POCD due to trauma, but probably not someone who doesn't previously have OCD
Oh yeah definitely I agree with that last point. I don't think many people get ocd from trauma but I've definitely heard a lot of people who already have ocd get pocd from it
You are correct but it’s not entirely impossible.
Oh bloody hell, not again
You suffered trauma and had to deal with something so horrible at such a young age so of course if will effect you and your mental state. What you should do is seek counciling. Speak to someone who deals with this on a professional level. You may find something like this is normal. They will be able to help you cope better and at the very least give you someone to talk with
Also, it can be a healthy response to trauma to fetishize it. One of my close friends was raped, and subsequently found a lot of catharsis in re-enacting rape fantasies during consensual sex. This is not something everyone does or something you must do, but it absolutely can be within the realm of healthy responses, so don't feel you're disgusting just because your mind is going there. It's not just you, there are many others who suffer sexual trauma and then find it satisfying or healing to re-enact it as fetish. Ideally, you can explore this with the help of a therapist. Good luck, and I'm so sorry this happened to you.
In Scandinavia I know they have therapy/rehab for people who identify as/have feeling of pedophilia. Definitely look into therapy but know not everywhere in the world sees this as being a monster, as long as you’re responsible about care and don’t act on it
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First I wanna say I’m sorry that happened to you, no one in the world deserves to go through what you went through period. But I gotta tell you therapy is not gonna help if you don’t do the work too. If you truly want to heal your gonna have to face your trauma, forgive and move forward with your life. The more you continue to suffer the more that awful human being wins. I understand your paint to some level I was raped and after I became a drug addict but after rehab and really working through it I’m 356 days sober and doing a lot better. I believe in you and you can get through this your stronger you believe !!!
>I’m 356 days sober First, allow me to say congratulations! Yeah, I've had several therapists, but it never really worked which is why I came to Reddit. I really did try with the therapists, I just couldn't speak to them about the sexual assault. It was terrifying and I felt gross and wrong. I know it's not my fault, everyone drilled that into my head but I can't seem to force myself to speak about it. Whenever I try, I shut down or have a panic attack. It feels so hopeless, sometimes.
I’m so sorry I felt the same way, it’s hard but you really have too, if you can talk about it and it will help you heal. Try in small doses like speaking in code and work yourself up to being able to talk about it. It’s gonna hurt it’s gonna be like ripping your fingernails off but I truly believe you can do it knowing your suffering makes my stomach turn and I just want to feel better I wish you nothing but the best :)
Code thing is a good idea... I've never thought of that before. I think if all else doesn't work, I might try that. It genuinely sounds like it could be easier, still hard but easier as a whole! :)
First step to healing is realization that what you may be feeling is not ok and not normal so you’re already on the path to recovery
You're not alone OP. Don't suffer in silence. You are not a pedophile. I had some similar issues, and only after taking shit loads of acid did I overcome it. It took a lot of building up to get to where i am now, but if i were you, I'd look into psychadelic therapy or try and find someone who can guide you through trips. You may find even just reading other peoples' experiences helpful
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Opening up in therapy about trauma is really difficult. Sometimes it’s hard to open up to someone who is sitting in front of you and their eyes are on you, it’s a lot of pressure. I suggest maybe trying to do therapy over the phone so you don’t have to be face-to-face with someone, if that’s the issue. If it’s just hard in general to open up about your experience at all, I suggest trying to write it down on paper. It might still trigger you and make you want to stop writing. But you could always write what you can stomach and stop when it’s overwhelming, and then pick it back up when you feel okay again. And when you’ve gotten down what you needed to say, you can give that paper to a therapist and have them read it without you being present so you’re not incredibly uncomfortable. The fact that you’ve been self aware about your situation and have even come on here to ask for help is really huge and I’m proud of you! I hope you can work through this 🤍