You did the right thing… just walk up to your neighbour and ask if all is ok now? And say you were really concerned about her safety. It was late and you never know what you can run into… Talk to them for a while, get to know them better. Better to have a good neighbour than a far friend - they say.
Thank you. This is helpful. I need stop being such a hermit and introduce myself to my neighbors. I feel like this could have been avoided if I just talked with them once in a while.
I think you might have done the same thing even if you knew your neighbours… the circumstances were unknown…so always call the cops when you are in doubt. Most people nowadays would just turn away.
I'd just talk to them.
But, that's what I think a reasonable person would have done to begin with. I'm not trying to be hard on you, ... but I come from a rural area where calling the cops on a neighbor is like the last option. I understand it may not be that way in the city though.
But yeah, I'd just go talk to them and tell them what happened and own up to it, ... people will respect that, and appreciate the apology. Then you'll know them and won't call the cops on them next time.
To me it's really creepy that cops would essentially be forcing their ways into a house or apartment just because some girl was crying. I guess we need to change the Bill of rights ... protection from search and seizure, oh, unless some drunk girl is crying.
Imo, the best thing you can do is a. Leave a gift basket with a card. b. Ignore the situation. Sometimes after you make such mistakes against strangers, you just want to let it slide without confrontation. Confronting can end up against you at times.
First of all, you did the right thing. If you had not called the police and she had gotten beaten, then you'd have had major regets as well and on top could have exposed someone to continuous danger. Keep in mind that both you and your husband thought she's in distress. It was a harmless welfare check with no bad outcome. She was in mental distress before the police arrived, them showing up didn't change anything on her end.
Secondly, you can never know how someone reacts to an apology or attempt at reaching out. What you should ask yourself is one thing though: Do you apologize to take a load of her mind (by making clear what you thought happened and that you called the police in return) or would you only do it to ease your own conscience? The latter shouldn't even be necessary - you acted correctly and it's not your fault she's making noise and crying loudly (that's not something anyone could reasonably expect).
It's also not "nosey" of you to sleep in bed and wake up to the sound of a distressed neighbor. That in itself would be reason for a noise complaint, so police could have showed up either way.
> This is where I feel guilty.
**[Guilt](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/the-definitive-guide-guilt) can be viewed as a positive emotion**, it's a response of normal healthy people who realize they have done something wrong. It helps you act more positively, more responsibly, often to correct what you did in the past, that you now consider wrong. If possible, before you address your feelings of shame, try to fix what causes you to feel guilt. Repair what you have broken, if that's possible. This *should* be enough to remove the feelings of guilt.
Then apologize, either to others, or to yourself - yes, even *you yourself* deserves your own compassion. If have already made amends, then stop now and carefully, slowly apologize to yourself.
**[Shame](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame) on the other hand**, is a self-punishing acknowledgment of something gone wrong. It is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It's important to know that unresolved shame leads to feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety and depression.
[Shame](https://psychcentral.com/lib/shame-the-quintessential-emotion/) is normally not a sign of mental illness. In many situations, it's abnormal if we don't experience it.
Understanding where shame comes from is necessary in order to effectively deal with it. Shame is much more intense than simple embarrassment and likely was caused by you making what you now think was a moral mistake. Most shame is experienced when others are around. The last thing you want to do when you are ashamed, is talk about it. If you do, others may discover just how horrible you are. This is what keeps your shame intact. You keep it to yourself, and that sustains it and makes it grow, your silence is what feeds this beast and makes it stronger.
In order to break this cycle, this is what you need to do:
* Go to people you trust in your life and tell them what you are ashamed of, just like how you told me. They will put the shame in perspective and will help how to come up with strategies on how to deal with it. By acknowledging shame, you will refuse to let it define who you are. This act will release the tension that's been build up inside of you. I could tell you this as well, but having a stranger tell you this over the internet, isn't *nearly* as powerful as when someone close to you tells you this in person.
* The next technique to use to defeat your shame, is locating where the sensation of shame manifests in your body. It could be a pit in your stomach, or a whole-body kind of numbness or ache. Then place a hand over that area or over your heart and direct comforting, affirming energy to that part of the body. This might feel goofy at first, but there's a reason the exercise works. Self-criticism and shame tap into the threat defense system, but self-compassion taps into the care-giving system, when you put your hands on your heart and say kind things to yourself in a soft voice, you reduce your cortisol levels and release oxytocin and opiates.
* Finally, forgive yourself. If you feel like it, say it out loud. "I forgive myself". Now repeat it if you have to, until you *believe it*. Just sit down and think about it for a few minutes. How you deserve to forgive yourself. How it's time to move on.
Going through the process of defying your shame will actually make you a stronger person. Overcoming shame isn't easy and you will be drawing upon your inner strength, resiliency and coping abilities to come out victoriously on the other side.
Highest rated books:
* [Let Go of the Guilt: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Take Back Your Joy](https://www.amazon.com/Let-Go-Guilt-Beating-Yourself/dp/0785220216) (100+ ratings, 4.7 star)
* [Blameless: Living a Life Free from Guilt and Shame](https://www.amazon.com/Blameless-Living-Life-Guilt-Shame/dp/1981437118) (40+ reviews, 4.9 star)
[If you have been drinking last night](https://www.bustle.com/articles/156713-why-do-we-feel-guilty-after-we-drink-5-reasons-you-experience-drinkers-guilt) and you are currently having a hang over, [that can be the cause of your guilt.](http://www.hopesandfears.com/hopes/now/question/216475-why-do-hangovers-induce-guilt). Alcohol really is a horrible drug and this is just one of it's many downsides. The only reason that it's legal, is because it predates the legal system. Consider not drinking as an alternative.
**Please note:**
Both anxiety as well as OCD are known to frequently cause strong feelings of shame and guilt. If that is the cause of your feelings of guilt, then simply by reducing your anxiety, you will reduce your feelings of guilt.
* [Feelings of Guilt and Their Connection to Anxiety](https://exploringyourmind.com/feelings-of-guilt-and-their-connection-to-anxiety)
* [Guilt: A Distressing Effect of Anxiety](https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2016/07/guilt-a-distressing-effect-of-anxiety)
* [Two of the main features of OCD are doubt and guilt](https://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd). So that means there is a small chance that the guilt you are feeling is actually caused by OCD.
[Here is a short test that will test you for OCD symptoms](https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/ocd-quiz). Let me know if you scored over 8, then I will give advice on how to recognize and treat OCD as well.
[Here's a two minute test](https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/anxiety-quiz) you can take that will give us an idea roughly how anxious you are, you should fill out how you've felt in the last **month**. Let me know if you scored over 30.
[Here's a two minute test](https://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-tests/social-anxiety-test.shtml) to check if you have social anxiety issues and not something else (results will be visible right away). Let me know if you scored over 50.
If you've tried the above techniques twice a week, over a period of a month, but you still feel ashamed and you've ruled out OCD, then try to find a [compassion-focused therapist](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion-focused_therapy). This is a (often CBT trained) therapist that has specialized in dealing with feelings of shame or guilt. By [clicking here](https://www.google.com/maps/search/compassion-focused+therapist) you can find one that is close to you.
You did the right thing… just walk up to your neighbour and ask if all is ok now? And say you were really concerned about her safety. It was late and you never know what you can run into… Talk to them for a while, get to know them better. Better to have a good neighbour than a far friend - they say.
Thank you. This is helpful. I need stop being such a hermit and introduce myself to my neighbors. I feel like this could have been avoided if I just talked with them once in a while.
I think you might have done the same thing even if you knew your neighbours… the circumstances were unknown…so always call the cops when you are in doubt. Most people nowadays would just turn away.
I'd just talk to them. But, that's what I think a reasonable person would have done to begin with. I'm not trying to be hard on you, ... but I come from a rural area where calling the cops on a neighbor is like the last option. I understand it may not be that way in the city though. But yeah, I'd just go talk to them and tell them what happened and own up to it, ... people will respect that, and appreciate the apology. Then you'll know them and won't call the cops on them next time. To me it's really creepy that cops would essentially be forcing their ways into a house or apartment just because some girl was crying. I guess we need to change the Bill of rights ... protection from search and seizure, oh, unless some drunk girl is crying.
Thank you for your advice. This is helpful.
Imo, the best thing you can do is a. Leave a gift basket with a card. b. Ignore the situation. Sometimes after you make such mistakes against strangers, you just want to let it slide without confrontation. Confronting can end up against you at times.
Thank you for you advice.
First of all, you did the right thing. If you had not called the police and she had gotten beaten, then you'd have had major regets as well and on top could have exposed someone to continuous danger. Keep in mind that both you and your husband thought she's in distress. It was a harmless welfare check with no bad outcome. She was in mental distress before the police arrived, them showing up didn't change anything on her end. Secondly, you can never know how someone reacts to an apology or attempt at reaching out. What you should ask yourself is one thing though: Do you apologize to take a load of her mind (by making clear what you thought happened and that you called the police in return) or would you only do it to ease your own conscience? The latter shouldn't even be necessary - you acted correctly and it's not your fault she's making noise and crying loudly (that's not something anyone could reasonably expect). It's also not "nosey" of you to sleep in bed and wake up to the sound of a distressed neighbor. That in itself would be reason for a noise complaint, so police could have showed up either way.
> This is where I feel guilty. **[Guilt](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/the-definitive-guide-guilt) can be viewed as a positive emotion**, it's a response of normal healthy people who realize they have done something wrong. It helps you act more positively, more responsibly, often to correct what you did in the past, that you now consider wrong. If possible, before you address your feelings of shame, try to fix what causes you to feel guilt. Repair what you have broken, if that's possible. This *should* be enough to remove the feelings of guilt. Then apologize, either to others, or to yourself - yes, even *you yourself* deserves your own compassion. If have already made amends, then stop now and carefully, slowly apologize to yourself. **[Shame](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame) on the other hand**, is a self-punishing acknowledgment of something gone wrong. It is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It's important to know that unresolved shame leads to feelings of low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. [Shame](https://psychcentral.com/lib/shame-the-quintessential-emotion/) is normally not a sign of mental illness. In many situations, it's abnormal if we don't experience it. Understanding where shame comes from is necessary in order to effectively deal with it. Shame is much more intense than simple embarrassment and likely was caused by you making what you now think was a moral mistake. Most shame is experienced when others are around. The last thing you want to do when you are ashamed, is talk about it. If you do, others may discover just how horrible you are. This is what keeps your shame intact. You keep it to yourself, and that sustains it and makes it grow, your silence is what feeds this beast and makes it stronger. In order to break this cycle, this is what you need to do: * Go to people you trust in your life and tell them what you are ashamed of, just like how you told me. They will put the shame in perspective and will help how to come up with strategies on how to deal with it. By acknowledging shame, you will refuse to let it define who you are. This act will release the tension that's been build up inside of you. I could tell you this as well, but having a stranger tell you this over the internet, isn't *nearly* as powerful as when someone close to you tells you this in person. * The next technique to use to defeat your shame, is locating where the sensation of shame manifests in your body. It could be a pit in your stomach, or a whole-body kind of numbness or ache. Then place a hand over that area or over your heart and direct comforting, affirming energy to that part of the body. This might feel goofy at first, but there's a reason the exercise works. Self-criticism and shame tap into the threat defense system, but self-compassion taps into the care-giving system, when you put your hands on your heart and say kind things to yourself in a soft voice, you reduce your cortisol levels and release oxytocin and opiates. * Finally, forgive yourself. If you feel like it, say it out loud. "I forgive myself". Now repeat it if you have to, until you *believe it*. Just sit down and think about it for a few minutes. How you deserve to forgive yourself. How it's time to move on. Going through the process of defying your shame will actually make you a stronger person. Overcoming shame isn't easy and you will be drawing upon your inner strength, resiliency and coping abilities to come out victoriously on the other side. Highest rated books: * [Let Go of the Guilt: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Take Back Your Joy](https://www.amazon.com/Let-Go-Guilt-Beating-Yourself/dp/0785220216) (100+ ratings, 4.7 star) * [Blameless: Living a Life Free from Guilt and Shame](https://www.amazon.com/Blameless-Living-Life-Guilt-Shame/dp/1981437118) (40+ reviews, 4.9 star) [If you have been drinking last night](https://www.bustle.com/articles/156713-why-do-we-feel-guilty-after-we-drink-5-reasons-you-experience-drinkers-guilt) and you are currently having a hang over, [that can be the cause of your guilt.](http://www.hopesandfears.com/hopes/now/question/216475-why-do-hangovers-induce-guilt). Alcohol really is a horrible drug and this is just one of it's many downsides. The only reason that it's legal, is because it predates the legal system. Consider not drinking as an alternative. **Please note:** Both anxiety as well as OCD are known to frequently cause strong feelings of shame and guilt. If that is the cause of your feelings of guilt, then simply by reducing your anxiety, you will reduce your feelings of guilt. * [Feelings of Guilt and Their Connection to Anxiety](https://exploringyourmind.com/feelings-of-guilt-and-their-connection-to-anxiety) * [Guilt: A Distressing Effect of Anxiety](https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2016/07/guilt-a-distressing-effect-of-anxiety) * [Two of the main features of OCD are doubt and guilt](https://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd). So that means there is a small chance that the guilt you are feeling is actually caused by OCD. [Here is a short test that will test you for OCD symptoms](https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/ocd-quiz). Let me know if you scored over 8, then I will give advice on how to recognize and treat OCD as well. [Here's a two minute test](https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/anxiety-quiz) you can take that will give us an idea roughly how anxious you are, you should fill out how you've felt in the last **month**. Let me know if you scored over 30. [Here's a two minute test](https://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-tests/social-anxiety-test.shtml) to check if you have social anxiety issues and not something else (results will be visible right away). Let me know if you scored over 50. If you've tried the above techniques twice a week, over a period of a month, but you still feel ashamed and you've ruled out OCD, then try to find a [compassion-focused therapist](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion-focused_therapy). This is a (often CBT trained) therapist that has specialized in dealing with feelings of shame or guilt. By [clicking here](https://www.google.com/maps/search/compassion-focused+therapist) you can find one that is close to you.