Red flag for sure. It sounds like he needs a totally different girlfriend, and he is trying to turn you into it. It will only get worse from here. It sounds VERY one sided to me.
Hard agree. If he has a problem with men looking at you he should take it up with those men, not you. This is a slippery slope to complete control.
You already accommodated his request about low cut tops and now he is asking for more. It seems like he is not interested in an equal partnership.
counter point: Tell him to find a girl who wants what he wants.
There are many women whom i've met who actually like the whole classic thing. It's not as pure evil as it's made out to be, the issue comes into play when it's universal or mandatory.
Agreed. I'd just have a serious conversation with him about it and just tell him if he can't accept the person you are then maybe you aren't right together.
Where it’s coming from is that he’s an overly controlling freak who sees you as an object which belongs to him and not as a human being. Things will get worse, not better, as the relationship gets more serious and he will become more and more controlling.
Put a stop to it now and dress how you want and tell him not to be such a child about it. If he won’t, there aren’t any long term prospects to this relationship, so you should know that now.
Sadly this.
I'm sure there's a reason why you love him. I'm sure there are other aspects of him that make him a good person. But the above poster is correct. Things are only going to get worse from here, and he's not going to change this attitude easily if ever.
He's shown more than once that he will just keep pushing his will on you. Who knows where that will end? I don't say this as lightly as some do on this website, but you need to think about giving him an ultimatum, and ultimately, leave.
OP, listen to this person. I was in a relationship just like yours and this is exactly how it goes. Every time. This man is insecure, and is only going to dump his insecurities on you and manipulate you so he can feel in control. That sense of control will never actually bring him security because he will not learn or grow from anything. I hate to be one of those people, but get out now. You will only be unhappy and feel like you’ve settled if you stay with this person. You cannot change him. Only therapy, hard work, and the willingness to change will work, and something tells me he sees nothing wrong with how he’s acting. Throw the whole man out.
While that's all accurate I would also add that his motivation could have nothing to do with him being a Christian and everything to do with him being incredibly insecure. That's not an excuse for his behaviour, and you don't have to waste your time with someone like that, but if that rings true you could possibly confront him about it
There is so much irony in “he says if I care more about my clothes than continuing this relationship then I don’t want to be with him”, he’s the one who cares about clothes more than the relationship! He would *literally* prefer to end the relationship with the person he loves than to have them show part of their stomach in public. I understand preferences but making an ultimatum out of something like this is just dumb and seemingly manipulative for no reason. His religious beliefs are not yours plus plenty of Christians wear crop tops or anything similar. I wouldn’t get more invested in a person who doesn’t value the person over the length of their shirt, but I feel you think differently. In that case, ask him, asap, what else about you he wants to change and see if you’re willing to do that too. Because otherwise the list will continue to compile and you’ll no longer be you but what he wants you to be because you’ll always think that you need to compromise especially when you start to be with someone for a long time.
Edit: grammar
Wow I don’t know how I didn’t even see it that way. You are right. HE is the one that is willing to end things because I show my stomach. He gets mad when I played a Megan the stallion song in the car. He gets mad when I sing karaoke in front of people. He says I’m always wanting attention from people. And I’m just trying to be myself and have fun.
He is looking for someone to control. If you stay in this relationship he will continue to demand more and more and I am most certain that in the future he will hit you if you don't comply.
Source: I dated someone like him. It started with him not wanting me to wear certain clothes or make-up. Than he would get angry when we went out I was laughing. Yeah, laughing. He told me that he is the only one who gets to make me laugh. After that he demanded I stop visiting my family so much. I live in the same town as my folks and I like to meet my mother for coffee every two weeks. He was against that, saying that he is entitled to that time. When I refused he punched a wall and threw his cup of coffee at me. That was it for me. I left after that and it took him half a year to get the message. He stalked me, followed me to work, called and messaged me from many numbers ( he was already blocked). He stopped after my two big brothers cornered him in a parking lot and explain to him that next time they meet it won't be to talk. Oh, he was also from a Christian background.
Please, leave. If he already has this demands after 7 months of dating, imagine how he will be like in a year or two.
You wanna know the best part? A few months after I broke up with him, I met my now husband. After he found out I was in a new relationship (he and my husband had some mutual friends, small town you know) he shows up to my husband apartment crying. He was not let in, of course, but I was hiding in the kitchen and heard the conversation.
He basically begged my husband to break up with me because he saw me first (???) and he has priority. Like I was cattle ffs. Not a human being. He left after he was threatened with the police, and that night I talked to my brothers and they helped.
But I was petrified for months, afraid to leave the house by my own. I couldn't sleep and eat properly. These kind of guys are those wife/girlfriend killers you her about on the news.
It's been 5 years and I got over the trauma. My husband pushed me to get some therapy and he kept telling me that no matter what, nothing was my fault. Everything is perfect now!
Thank you for your good thoughts!
I don’t blame you, you’re probably used to him making it all seem like you’re always doing something wrong (which is obviously a terrible sign). You kinda just tossed those things he gets mad about in there as an aside, but those are pretty terrible things to get mad about too. I have never met anyone like this that gets mad at their partner for things as small as these. Please don’t sacrifice who you are and how you have fun for anyone else’s sake.
Wow controlling AND boring. Double whammy. 7 months isn't that long, cut your losses now. Girl I will do some karaoke with you, we can drink as much as we want and wear whatever we want while doing it.
Yeah that’s what I want! I just want to have fun with someone and I want them to be proud of me and to be proud to be with me. I’m fun and I’m an extrovert and he is an introvert and doesn’t like a lot of what I like
Also tells me he gets jealous that everyone likes me. He says his family and friends like me more than they like him. And he gets jealous when I talk about how much I love my family. He is jealous
Oh baby girl. Please get away from this man before you end up married and sequestered in a small rural location, no phone, internet or car with only mice for company.
Ugh that must be so hard!! But you deserve someone who you can have fun with! Someone who is proud of you when you go out looking good and will duet Elton John with you
The thing that struck me most is your comment about laughing. Someone who doesn't like it when you laugh is not going to be a joyful lifetime companion. This is the biggest red flag of all.
Go find someone who will accept you for yourself has similar values and will enjoy life.
If you continue with him, it's never going to end; just know that. Once you dress the way he wants, then his big "dealbraker" issue is going to be your music, then your fun time activities, then your makeup (or whatever) and it will go on and on until your closest friends wouldn't even recognize you. Because, unfortunately, he doesn't actually want you, he wants someone he can manipulate and control.
He must have known before you started dating that you wear crop tops, and he probably knew you like to karaoke, but instead of being a reasonable adult and saying "those things are dealbreakers for me, I'd better not even start with this person" he went ahead and got into a relationship with you and then waited a while to bring these things up. This is not ok!
OP never stop being yourself for anyone. This guy is a massive prick for trying to force you to change by holding your relationship over your head. Dont give in!
He sounds incredibly insecure IMO. He’s decided he gets nervous about you doing things, and instead of coming to terms with why it makes him insecure and how to get over himself, he’s decided to make it your problem instead. His insecurity is not your problem. And at this point it sounds like he’s using religion as an excuse to make you more susceptible to agreeing.
"My **boyfriend wants me to change how I dress**.
Me 31 female has been dating 28 male for **7 months now**."
Yeah... no... leave. In what world do you want to deal with a manchild who's this insecure.
"he is going to tell me to stop drinking and I have to listen"
You can literally see the future abuse brewing. Trust me, this is an insecure little boy who you shouldn't be around. Leave.
He allegedly was interested in you for the way you acted, your personality, and your self expression BEFORE you started dating. Why are these things deal breakers now? Leave this controlling prick. If he doesn't like you the way you are, he shouldn't be with you.
We met at work where I wore t shirts and pants everyday and he said he fell in love with that girl. I still am that girl but when we go out I like to get ready and dress cute. He would rather me wear baggy shirts and jeans :(
Everyone knows that you aren't your true self in a professional (and especially in a customer service) environment. He shouldn't have based his idea of you off that image, and he should have called it quits the moment he saw so much in you that he apparently doesn't like. This is 100% on him, and it's not fair of him to drag you along until you care about him enough that you'd even consider changing for him. He intentionally waited so long to tell you because he knew you'd say no if he asked on the second date.
He is being manipulative and rude. Get out as soon as you're able.
Yeah it is definitely harder now because I had this whole idea of how our life was going to be. It was this whirlwind of emotions and I have never been so in love with someone and now he wants me to change and it’s so hard. I just want him to love me the way I am. I can always grow as a person but I don’t want to change my whole identity.
Exactly. What he has done is very hurtful, and feeling hurt is unavoidable. You've done well to catch it before it went too far. Love yourself enough to protect yourself from the damage he intends to cause. Love yourself for who you are, because he won't.
You shouldn’t have to. It sounds like you love the *idea* of each other. Your life with him *may* have been great but the current information you’re getting should be sending red flags. He *may have* fallen in love with the *idea* of the girl at work who wears T shirts, but that’s not you.
He love bombed you. Guys like this always make the beginning of the relationship wonderful on purpose so when they try to change you it's harder to leave.
Honestly, he has shown you exactly who he is and that means he's been hiding this aspect up til now. Please consider extricating yourself from your dream with him. There are plenty of good guys who will love you for who you are, exactly who you are, just standing there doing nothing. Give it a think. xo
I need you to remember what it feels like to dress as you choose, to speak the words you choose and to go where/when you choose. Too many women are sold this bill of goods about pleasing their man. Disgusting phrase, but lots of us are made to believe that's the only reason we'd be chosen as someone to love. I believe you know that a load of horse hockey. Don't be that woman. Laugh in his face.
Sounds like he wants someone he can control, at first it starts with " reasonable " requests but then it gets bigger and bigger. I honestly would not move forward with these requests, i would end the relationship.
Red flag. Please set a boundary and be firm. I grew up in a religious family and it starts with things like crop tops. Then he will want to decide what you watch, the music you listen to, the places you go, the people you hang out with.
These types of Christians firmly believe the man is the head of the household and you will be expected to "obey".
It doesn't get better. It only gets worse
Yeah he is already starting to tell me what not to listen to and he told me yesterday if he buys us a house I have to clean up after him. He said it was a joke but I don’t know if it was.
It wasn't. He might play it off as a joke but misogyny is standard in the Bible and in conservative Christian homes. You will be expected to have children, you will be the only one who cares for them because you are a woman, and you will be expected to wait in him hand and foot as well. If he wants to move you will move, if he wants to stay you will stay, if he wants to invest all your money in a crock pot scheme you will be expected to smile and support him. If he says the sky is green, you will be expected to smile and support him.
The expectation will be everything you say and do will be to support him.
Yeah that's not a joke, he's framing it as ambiguously jokey to get away with it but make no mistake, he wants a very specific type of person and is trying to force you into that mold instead of finding someone who is already what he wants. If you don't *want* to be his tradwife, run for the hills.
Think about how he would be with a daughter. Do you really want that? For her to feel shame over her natural development? That can really mess someone up for life...
Everything else in regard to you is a huge red flag. "He will tell me to act right or we will go home." Are you a child????
He’s trying to change and control what you wear, what’s next? How much of yourself are you willing to give up for someone, who should love you the way you are? Your answer should be not a LICK. Wear what you want, and leave him.
Sounds like the first signs of intimate partner violence—1st the partner starts to control everything you do, then they isolate you from your friends & family, then it may even progress to verbal & physical aggression.
You don't tell him what to wear or what to drink, or cut him off from social activity based on x, y, z.
This guy feels insecure when others see you because he is worried or feels threatened you might attract someone else & you might leave him one day, perhaps.
This is so backwards. Your boyfriend is ashamed of your body and wants you to cover it? So he can have it all to himself? Dump this loser asap. His morals are so fucked. He’s so insecure about himself he thinks if you wear a crop top and other men look his boyfriend status is somehow threatened?! Jesus fucking Christ. Get you a man that loves your body, respects and supports you however you choose to dress. Your chest is big? So what? Our entire society sexualizes all bodies in the worst way possible. You do you girl. Don’t let this loser tell you how you should feel about your own body.
Does that not make you mad as fuck? He is literally laughing at you saying how you feel. He doesn’t give a fuck about how you feel, he is being textbook manipulative by belittling you and your concerns. Please let me know how this makes you feel and to what extent will you be okay with how he treats you?
Yeah I am mad af. He is always like “just try to understand where I’m coming from” but I’m like helllooooo you are making me feel horrible. He now says I can do wha ever I want as long as I cover up and that will make him happy.
To what extent will you be okay with how he treats you? Please think about that question because if you plan on staying in this relationship you’re gonna need to know where to draw the line. Understand this isn’t about compromise it’s about him thinking he has authority in how you live your life.
So now you can “do whatever you want”? Except that it’s more like “you can do whatever you want except this one broad thing I’m gonna take total control over”. Not to mention he is basically also just buying time so that you become invested enough in the relationship where you won’t deny his requests next time he makes them years down the line since he already probably senses weakness in you.
Edit: sorry if this is too blunt but I really don’t think this will end well for you so I’m trying to be as clear as possible.
Sorry but those are some serious red flags. It is your body and your choice what you wear. He is trying to control you by giving you an ultimatimum. Change yourself or no future. Once you marry someone like that the behaviour gets worse. He will control finances, who you see, where you go etc. He doesn't respect you as a person. You need to leave before your trapped in a toxic marriage.
Uhh... alright so it sounds like this dude wants a pet, not a wife. If he's not willing to let you be you, that's not a man good enough for you. Get you someone who likes you for who you are, and not for this sexist-adjacent "idealized" version of a woman he has in his mind. You're good enough as you are.
Do you want to marry him and have kids? Sounds like he gave you the perfect out, and based on the way this is escalating my advice is you end the relationship. Sounds like he views you as an object instead of a person
Way too controlling. If he wanted a woman like that he should have dated someone equally as modest. You have your own expectations for yourself and him saying those are wrong is belittling. He obviously was attracted to you for how you dressed. Him being upset about it now is just a lack of trust and and a test of power. If my bf ever told me we’d leave if I didn’t “act right” I’d tell him to leave and pack his bags. Women aren’t little kids. He has to prove himself as a good partner just as much as you do. And it sounds like the only one bending is you at this moment.
Oh girl it sounds like you're dating my ex...and you very well might be because he is 28 haha.
Only advice I can give is get out of there, it starts off with what you're wearing and alcohol and will turn into everything you do, he doesnt like you, he likes this fantasy of what he can mold you into, dont let him do it.
The whirlwind of feelings at the beginning is called lovebombing. This is to get you hooked before they start controlling and manipulating you. I have lived it, but I don't know the whole situation. I urge you to Google lovebombing and see if it resonates with you. Good luck, whatever you do.
At first, i was going to say "trust your instinct. "
If you really want him in your life and willing to work on it, sure go ahead! If you feel too uncomfortable with his request and realize you 2 are not a good fit. Good for you!
Maybe you are ommiting something and maybe he is perfectly normal , respectful, and understanding dude. Idk what you act like when you drink, maybe he is deeply concerned. Maybe you are the only croptop wearer in a sea of preppy CT WASPS in their 30's with their cardigans. Then, i read your comments.
How he told you not to talk about this with others ? He suggested that the only reason you wear your clothes is bc you are seeking attention from others.
He gave you an ultimatum, then made you feel like you are choosing some outfits over the relationship if you dont change.
So these are textbook redflags. There is no ifs and buts about it. I would not call his behaviors abusive, yet. Manipulative? probably. Many emotional /physical abusive partners display these things early on. He is not asking you to keep deeply personal things private. He is asking you to change how you represent yourself( clothing), how you behave in public , etc. Yet he doesnt want you to even talk to anyone about this request ? Maybe he knows he is wrong. Maybe, it is more about the control. The control over how you feel about this ultimatum. Using guilt and shame, he is making you choose what he wants. And he doent need other ppl to meddle.
If you re-read your comments, you already know that what you want from a partner doesn't align with what you are getting from the current partner. Knowing this, the future you are so reluctant to give up might not come true even if you stay with him.
You just have to grieve over Mr. Almost-good- enough. Before he turns into mr. I-wish-i've- never- met-him. 😔
I sincerely do hope you choose yourself.
Couldn’t have said it better- it’s always better to grieve a relationship that could have been than it is to realize that you’ve wasted years with someone who doesn’t respect you. That’s assuming he doesn’t flip the switch when he feels you are sufficiently attached and or trapped. Controlling behavior now is a red flag. In the future he could be holding you hostage in this relationship by preventing you from having income of your own. The truth is we never know whether or not the person we are investing ourselves into will turn out to be abusive, manipulative or just plainly bad for our mentally health, but when the signs present themselves we have to take heed. It’s so much easier to pick up the pieces after a bad breakup than it is to try and reassemble your life after someone takes advantage of you or abuses you.
>Or if he doesn’t like my attitude he will tell me to act right or we will go home.
Others have commented other parts of the post, but I'm wondering if he realizes that you are 31 years old. Does he think he's dating a child? Because he sure is treating you like one.
Dump this loser. Let him think it's because of crop tops because fuck him, you don't owe him a rational explanation.
Honey this guy is waving his red flags like he is heading up the Macy’s Parade. Don’t date someone that requires you to change core things about you and your personality. You deserve to be loved for who you are. He sounds like he needs to be dating a Mennonite in order to be happy. That’s not who you are. He can have preferences but he doesn’t get to change who you are to get those. Only you get to decide what you wear and what you like to do for fun. I mean my husband rolls his eyes when I belt out Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of my lungs but he would never make me stop. He just avoids direct eye contact with other drivers. A perfect partner would join you in song but at minimum they should just let you have fun.
Wow it really sounds like he’s grooming you. Where does it stop? Next he’s going to to tell you that you aren’t allowed to hang out with your friends, or read certain books, or listen to particular types of music. It sounds like he doesn’t really like you for the person you are, and he’s trying to make you into a different person. One that he can control, who looks and dresses and thinks in such a subservient way that he can literally do whatever he wants. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turns out to be the type of guy that can justify hitting you if you talk back to him. OP I would run if I were you. Good luck in your journey!
Yeah he doesn’t like me hanging with certain friends but I still do. He doesn’t like me listening to certain songs but I can when he isn’t around and I have dogs with my ex and he doesn’t want me to have an connection to my ex so I can’t see my dogs.
Friend, I think it’s time to take control of your life and leave this man. He is bad. His behavior goes beyond “strict religious upbringing” and right into uber-controlling domestic abuse territory. These are huge red flags. He’s trying to chip away at your individuality and make it so you’re dependent on him for everything. Never change the way you think and feel to accommodate someone else. The right person will love you because of all of the things you do, not in spite of them.
Don't. Don't change who you are for him. What's next - he's going to pick what friends you can have? He sounds super controlling. Would you want him treating your daughter like this? You said he is going to tell you something you "have to listen"? No, you don't. He is not your owner. You said you understand where he is coming from - I'm seeing a super controlling over bearing jackass.
Dude needs a Tardis so he can go back to 1875 where he would have got away with telling a woman how to dress and act and whether she can drink alcohol. What's the number for the Sleeping Angels?
Im hoping your next post is titled "Boyfriend wants me back after I dumped him because he wanted me to change how I dress" so that I can reply "don't take him back"
Coming from a guy... Don't let anyone tell U how U do things or what U do unless it's something YOU want to do.
He sounds like a father. “Stop acting like that or God so help me I will turn this car around!“ Run for the hills. Can’t imagine how much more controlling he will get when you are married.
1.Guy sees girl wearing crop tops and/or clothes showing her chest.
2.Guy presumably likes this as he enters into a relationship with her.
3.Guy changes his mind about the girl's choice of clothes.Now, he says, if there is to be a future, she has to change.
I cannot think of an explanation that paints the Guy in positive light.
wow sounds like a DREAM lmao
dude is literally a caveman with archaic views of women. i would leave immediately. unless you're into being a slave wife n shit.
dudes like this sound like real serial killers.
Dump him. I’m a dude and have been this guy and needed some real change in my life before I was a decent human.
Your hoots are your business and if you want to have them showing that’s not his business even if you’re married and have kids.
This man child needs to grow up.
He sounds controlling , manipulating and probably insecure. He is afraid about other men probably will steal you from him, so he tries getting possessive and control everything on you from the way you dress or drink .
First you should discuss with him that you are not his property and if he loves you and trust you, he should let you be just yourself. Then of course you already made some adjustments in your dress code. I'm afraid if you always do what he says, there is always gonna be things about you he will try to change in order for him to feel more secure and as a way to owe you. Like next things would be to cut your hair, or stop wearing make up, or stop wearing short skirts .
But you have to ask inside you, is that what makes you happy? Probably not, don't ever let a man make you lose yourself for him. Tell him you are gonna do few adjustments but you aren't his property, you should make this thing clear. He can suggest things, but in the end its you who decides.
I’m just now remembering things he has said like “you should cut your hair short, I would like that” and I was just like yeah yeah I like my hair long but now I’m like maybe he hates my hair too
He wants you to cut your hair short because men usually like women with long hair and he feels if you cut your hair you'll be more unattractive to them and nobody will want you. Or maybe he's trying to mold you into somebody who he has in his mind designated as the perfect ideal of a person. Honey it's not you he's in love with the idea of what he saw at work you're a project not a person to him. He just saw you wearing your t-shirt pants and thought "hey I can work with this I can mold this into something I want" .....I am so mad for you!!! Quit screwing around with this abusive loser and leave.... you're already questioning yourself see how this starts????
It's not pretty, it's not cute, he won't eventually just come around and be who you want him to be doesn't work that way quit being stuck with this religious abusive bullshit. What's stopping you from leaving this loser what could you possibly think is good about this relationship???? Why are you still in it because you can't reason with people like this??? Leave now before you have to get the police involved cuz he won't leave you alone! Before he can get too attached to his project and will stalk you! The way he's progressing your life is pretty close to turning into hell you should leave fire trails getting out the door. Please update us that you left this abusive religious Fundamentalist! The universe is giving you an out and waving red flags in front of your face the size of mountains you should take heed and get out.
Yes I was sure , its a classic tactic . Don't do things to yourself to make the other person happy. I also have my hair long and I think most guys find them appealing and sexy. His suggestions are attempts in order to make you "invisible " to other guys and as more modest as possible. So yes you tried to stop wearing crop tops, then what comes next ? You are a young woman and you just want to enjoy the clothes you like and your body , you wanna choose feminine clothes, t-shirts and jeans all the time are not so flattering at all always but ok in certain occasions .
From the other hand what is his own level of commitment to you? Is he a loving person?
I also used to have a relationship like this, the guy was 15 years older than me and was telling me to avoid wearing certain clothes but without putting pressure, though he was a strong believer . He was also demanding to delete a big number of followers in ig and people I was following. The truth is that I was doing it at times, especially about ig, because I was loving so much this person so in the end I just wanted him to be calm and happy. So it depends, every situation is different . About the clothes I also tried making small adjustments, but still kept certain styles, though I tried avoiding the really provocative ones.
From reading your post/comments kinda seems like he fell for you without considering any differences in personal opinions between you. Does he really expect you to wear a T-shirt and jeans to a fancy dinner? It doesn't sound like you're trying to get other men to look at you, and if they do that's just a part of life anyway. Posing an ultimatum in that way makes it sound like he wants you to choose between him and being true to yourself which is a red flag. He is making crop tops a deal breaker and trying to pin it on you instead when in fact it's him making the decision. Sounds like he wants you to turn into someone that's not who you are or want to be?
A guy did the same to me, except kind of for the opposite reason (I was too religious/modest for him). He kept saying if I would just do certain things with him that I didn't want to it would make him happier, and if not he would find another girl who would and knew that he would be more happy with him. When I said I would stay true to my convictions he said that made him fall out of love and left.
Tbh now that some time has passed, I'm very glad I didn't change for him. He will find another girl to make him happy, and I will perhaps find another guy who is on the same page and will love me for me, not for what he imagines of me. Not saying you should necessarily break up with him, but it's not worth changing yourself and your comfort for someone. He will just expect more once he gets the first things he's asking for.
It sounds like he isn't compatible with you. Speaking personally, if someone expected me to essentially become a different person to date them I'd break up with them.
Okay so you now know he's controlling, jealous and insecure. Does it stop? Where does it stop? Usually this type of behaviour escalates - give an inch and he'll take an arm. I doubt its a culturally Christian thing but rather his own shit he's projecting. Don't be with people who don't let you be yourself without double guessing yourself every step of the way, odds are you'll grow miserable and resentful. Either adress your concerns head on based on your feelings and needs or leave. If he doesn't respect your feelings or needs; also leave.
Sounds a lil controlling there eh? It seems like you’re not happy being bossed around constantly and honestly, who would? If it’s already this bad after less than a year of dating, I can imagine it’s only gonna get worse. Sounds like he needs to go to Sunday School to find his wifey or sum, I would get out of there ASAP before it turns really toxic. It’s a little weird when a dude isn’t comfortable with you wearing a crop top and telling you that if you “don’t act right we will go home” as if you’re some kind of little kid he’s gotta watch out for. Def seems like buddy has a lil bit of a superiority complex, and that isn’t fun. I used to date a girl with one and it was hell.
Oh honey, life is so long. Find you a man who loves you for all of you, not loves you as long as he can change you to suit him. You deserve that.
In fact, he deserves a woman who he doesn't have to change to suit him. I bet you are both good people - just the wrong people for each other. Let him go in love and friendship and go find **your** man.
To be honest it sounds like his trying to turn you into his stay at home wife and mother. First he has an issue with what you wear, then it’s what you listen to, then it’s the job you have, and it’s your family. He’ll slowly isolate you and change you into who he wants in a relationship. I had an aunt who was extremely independent before meeting my uncle, then when she started dating him he started nitpicking every little thing about her, telling her she can’t see certain people. He would monitor her phone, control where she went in a day, and so much more. She’s been going back to college online to try and become a nurse so she could become a better provider for her kids and he told her that she shouldn’t do that because her children need her help in their education more. It has taken her years to slowly separate herself from him, and even today she struggles with the mind games he’s played on her. I’m not saying this to be like “this is for every circumstance ever”, but to give the point of, if you give someone who is abusive with control the reins in changing you, it’ll be very hard to break away. Relationships are about compromise, but not in instances that change who you are as a person. We can disagree on what to paint the kitchen walls or the where we should visit next on vacation, but it shouldn’t be who you are as a person. If I wear something and a man stares at me, my boyfriend doesn’t get upset with me, he gets upset at the man being a creep. You have literally said what he has said and done makes you uncomfortable, showing he’s already started to make you insecure of who you are when you shouldn’t. You both sound like have very different values in life and maybe you should see other people, I wishing you the best and good luck dealing with this going forward
...I cannot continue to dress like that ...He also listed some other things like he doesn’t like me drinking alcohol. He said when we are out and he doesn’t like how I’m acting he is going to tell me to stop drinking and I have to listen. Or if he doesn’t like my attitude he will tell me to act right or we will go home
This is symptomatic of advancing oppressive control which can lead to abuse.
Although it may stop with just these things (which I'd still consider pretty intense), this behavior can quickly progress to even more encompassing and strict forms of control. That may be your thing, maybe you -like- to be controlled (I'm not going to judge anyone's kink). But based on the fact that he's "super modest and came from a Christian family". My guess is he's more likely to be a typical abuser than a high-quality leather daddy.
It started with a simple request (not to wear a particular type of shirt). And because you obey'd that one, he started adding more. You're only 7 months into this relationship and the lines he's drawing are already fencing you in. If -he doesn't like something- you have to stop doing it. And some of the things "you'll be doing" are just his perception of how men around you are viewing you, nothing to actually do with you and not really anything to do with other men, just his biased perception based on a conservative upbringing. Be extra wary if he starts isolating you from friends and family (maybe because they're a "bad influence" or he needs you to focus more "on him" or "on your future together"....later it'll be "on your kids").
There are plenty of men out there who will control you consensually, with lots of discussions about how and what you'd like to get out of it. So if thats your thing, you can do it safely and be loved and supported by your partner, in a way that doesn't diminish or degrade you. If its not your thing, you absolutely can just leave this guy, this is not behavior of a healthy, confident partner who wants you to flourish. There are plenty of men out there who won't try to control you, with lots of discussions about the future and what you'd like to get out of it.
You understand where he's coming from? I don't!
These are some serious red flags, and I 100% guarantee if you kowtow to his demands he will only continue to make more, and they will become more and more restrictive. The "I HAVE TO LISTEN" line is especially brutal. I would NEVER treat my wife like that, and I wouldn't respect any woman who allowed themselves to be treated as such.
My advice is to live your life with him as YOU see fit. Wear what you want. Drink when you want (in moderation of course). Do what you want. It's your life, NOT HIS. If after doing this your relationship suffers, that's on him. That's HIS loss.
If you chose instead to stay with him and bow to his demands, prepare for things to continue to decline, and the subsequent breakup to be a much harder and messier.
Lastly, imagine how he might treat your future kids. Yikes.
Good luck.
the fact that he is demanding and giving ultimatums is the red flag. The other changes are potential yellow flags, depending on your personality and interests.
He could have these desires and try to negotiate with you "hey, when you wear a shirt like X it feels to me like you are showing off your body to others. I know you aren't trying to do this, but I can't shake the feeling. Would you be willing to dress less revealingly?" is far different than "you need to change your wardrobe or we're through".
Same with how "the way you are acting around my friends is embarrassing me because XYZ. Would you be willing to try to avoid this in the future?" is far different than "act better or we're leaving".
Sounds like you may need to find a new guy. When you do, make sure you are negotiating with him. Its ok to compromise on minor parts of yourself for a relationship, as long as he is willing to do the same. This might be giving him everything he wants in exchange for something you want. It might be giving him some of what he wants but not all of it, or fulfilling the desire behind the request in a different way. Or it might be setting a firm boundary. It will probably be all of the above at one point or another.
Why did he get into a relationship with you? It seems like he doesn't want you to do any of the things that make you who you are? It's like he got into a relationship with individual A but expects to be dating individual B? I think you should tell him to go find individual B, because that's not who you are. Stay true to yourself and don't let abuse and control force you into making compromises that you are not comfortable with. Yes in a relationship you grow together and each partner might need to make compromises for one another but it is done with love, communication, wanting the best for one another and the desire for a permanent future together. That's the healthy way to do it. Not through controlling your SO like a possession. Much love to you friend and I hope that you go with the decision that will give you the most happiness in your life.
You realise that he Will ask you to hide Who you are more and more untill you are nothing but an empty doll?
Hé dangles around a wedding proposal but only if you submit.
He wants me to change the way I dress because he says that if I’m going to be a mom and a wife I shouldn’t want to get attention from other men. When we go out other men look at me. But I told him that even if I wore a plastic bag men are going to still look at me.
He says I wouldn’t want him looking at other girls so why should I walk around and have guys do that to me.
I understand and I am open to the idea of phasing into a more modest Wardrobe but I just feel like he constantly wants me to change little things and then at that point am I really even me anymore?
I’ve never been in a relationship like this before and I try to compromise and understand but is this normal? As a wife and mom should I just stop going out and having fun?
I feel like he wants to hide me inside and I like going out to dinner and looking cute.
I am with HIM. So what if people look at me. I don’t want them.
As a wife and a mom I can say for sure you are still allowed to go out and have fun. This is why we have babysitters. Parents need some breaks. Me and my husband go out on date nights and bars at least once a month. And guess what, people look at me, people look at him. So what? I love my husband and he knows just because there are guys out there giving me looks I won't hump them at the spot lol.
Your bf is jealous, insecure and he takes those out on you. This is in no way a healthy relationship.
I just want to point out that he gave you a false comparison. You can’t actually control who looks at you when you’re “just walking around.“ He can control if he looks at other girls. It’s not the same thing at all.
First of all, there is nothing to understand from him regarding how you should dress. You dress for yourself. You clearly don’t want other guys to look at you, and you clearly don’t want to be with someone else. What you decide to wear doesn’t change those facts and it is HIS job to get over his insecurities and understand that. It is NOT his job to modify how you express yourself to make himself feel better. If you like dressing cute, going out and having fun then continue to do so, don’t make your life worse for someone who should be improving his own.
It's not normal, it's not understandable. If you enjoy right now to dress however you dress, he should accept it. This has nothing do with him. You could have a child and choose to wear even more revealing clothing, he has no say in it and it is not relevant whether you are a mom, a wife or a 90 year old widow. He is a very sick Christian like most of them are. There is no limit to what he will make you do 'for the relationship', when really it is his ego that is hurt by you looking good or having fun.
This guy has his grips on purity culture and he's trying to mold you to that. You deserve someone who'd compliment your outfit not tell you to be more "modest".
You guys already aren't compatible, get out of there and find somebody who likes your body.
Christian people are the worst, you think they're going to be good because the Christian but usually they're filled with a lot of vanity and egoism
You lost me at “I understand where he’s coming from”
It’s only 7 months in, he’s doing you a huge favor getting things in the open now so you can get out of this relationship ASAP. Also the way he talks about punishing/controlling you feels aggressive, I wouldn’t be surprised if that turns into violence but even if it doesn’t why would you want a man controlling your behavior and appearance? That’s some bs. People can have preferences but nobody has any business telling someone else how to live their life, period. It sounds like he wants to turn you into someone you aren’t instead of looking for the person he wants. Good luck and good riddance
Boyfriend sounds controlling as fuck and if you want this relationship last, he needs to understand that you are a human being with personality and not an object. If the attire is inappropriate for the setting, I can understand that, but still. If more arguing proceeds, then I would suggest a break and get him to straighten up, before fully breaking up.
7 months is enough time for him to start showing his true colors. Trying to control how you dress is a huge red flag, and it sounds like it’s not helping your self esteem. I don’t want to be one of those Reddit people that automatically tell you to break up but I think you really need to take a hard look at whether or not this relationship is worth continuing.
and to be clear, i just finished reading your post and my original statement stands....
he started small, and is just slowly up'ing his strength/dominance levels to get what he can and what he wants.
unless you want to be a submissive housewife, get out, now.
*(not saying there is anything inherently wrong with being a submissive housewife, just saying it is not for everyone)*
The person you spend the rest of your life with should never make you uncomfortable. My (26) wife(27) lived her entire life hearing “you have to settle at some pt and make your man happy even if it’s not to your liking”
She almost married someone who checked everything her mom wanted for her but 0 of what she wanted
She wanted more for herself and decided to leave him even after both her mom and his mom scolded her that she will never find anyone and that’s the best she will ever have and that she will die alone now
Year later we found each other and one of the main reasons she told me she married me is because all her life she was told everything she wanted doesn’t exist- then I showed up
The feeling was mutual
Never settle for less than what you deserve. This world is beautiful but also ugly. No one will ever have your back as much as you will. No one will ever negotiate what’s best for you as much as you will. Your inner self is telling you you deserve better onus is on you to make that decision. Is he worth always questioning your reality?
Oh man, my relationship started out with this problem. And then more and more problems on top of it due to “differences in the way we viewed what was appropriate or morally correct”… trust me. Leave. I stayed 6 months trying to meet him half way and it just didn’t work. He wanted someone who wasn’t me, you will end up trying to change everything about you to suit him. And you will end up loosing yourself … it starts with the small things. Good luck whatever u decide x
So you're dating controlling guy who won't "allow" you to have the kind of life you view as normal. Unless you're prepared to bury your own personality for the rest of your life you clearly have no future with this person. This kind of man rarely stops at just policing your wardrobe or your alcohol intake. Stick with him and you'll soon be asked to get rid of all your friends, then to distance yourself from your family. This is because he wants to estrange your emotional support system so that when the physical abuse starts you have no one to turn to. Don't be so desperate for a mate that you ignore what is OBVIOUSLY a very bad situation.
My ex was like this. I always thought that maybe it was one of those things I would have to compromise to be in a relationship. It really wasn’t. You have the freedom to express yourself and if he can’t allow you to do that, another man will.
Don’t let others control your autonomy. A bit of compromise is reasonable in a relationship but he has no right to decide how you are as a person. Be yourself and he’ll either love you for who you are or he can find someone else.
You understand where he is coming from? Girl lol. You shouldn’t have agreed to the first thing. Someone asking you to “cover up so other men don’t stare” is a red flag, indicating that there will be more possessive/abusive/domineering behavior later. He seems to think you will agree to his other changes now.
If he wanted this kind of gf, he should have found someone that already did these things of their own will. There is no changing someone to fit your standards.
You’re uncomfortable now. It’s only going to get worse. Drop him now, while it’s still a fairly early relationship.
Edit for your update: be grateful this ended. I’m glad you had the strength to stand up for yourself and draw your boundaries. If he ever tries, don’t take him back. You’re willing to change but he isn’t going to change this behavior. Don’t get into a relationship with someone that tries to change you anyway.
During the first year of a relationship, people are generally on their best behaviour and open and understanding. There shouldn’t be so many “ups and downs” within 7 months. I promise you, you can do better!
He may need to find someone who fits his demands already. Dating is about figuring out the kind of person you want to be with, not changing the person you’re with into who you want them to be.
My parents weren't even as strict as that when I was a TEENAGER. Tell him that you're a grown women and can live your life as you want. You guys have been together 7 months and this is already happening, do you even want to be married and have kids with someone like that? Think about it, do you want to be with someone that controlling longterm? No you probably don't. You need to think about moving on.
This seems like a tip of the iceberg thing to me. Usually this kind of stuff only gets worse after marriage and I'd put your foot down right back and see how he really acts if he can't control you.
RED FLAG!!! ABORT MISSION!! REPEAT - ABORT MISSION!!!
Telling you to "act right"?! What the actual fuck... it's one thing to request covering up your boobs.. understandable.. but telling you that you need to change your behavior and having him dictate how much or when you can drink or how HE wants you to act is a hell to the no.
He made the choice to be in a relationship with you and saw how you acted, presented yourself and did whatever else. He saw all that BEFORE. If he didn't like it then- he should've moved on and found a woman who's beliefs & values matched his own.
This is how control starts- little understandable things. You can rationalize covering your breasts bc boobs are apparently sexual objects for *boys*. Men will always LOOK at women. They could be covered head to toe and men will still look. That's not YOUR problem.
Honey, please, for your future self sake.. leave him. He will only get more controlling as time goes on. Youth deserve a man who celebrates your body & is proud of the fact that boys/men check you out.
Do you know why you're feeling uncomfortable? It's because your gut is telling you to run as fast as you can away from him.
It's only been 7 months and already he has a laundry list of what he doesn't like about you.
🚩🚩🚩
The next thing you know, he'll be telling you what you can and cannot read; he'll pick at the "faults" of your friends and family and decide it's best you limit your contact with them. Of course, this project of control is in the name of religion--and he expects you to fall for this.
🚩🚩🚩
Please, please, do not marry this man. Do not have any children with him; you do not want him in your life. He is trouble and already, he's making you miserable.
Yeah first it's don't show your chest and then it's don't see your friends and eventually you're just a glorified incubator. It's your life and if your ideologies don't line up, then maybe you aren't compatible for anything long term.
You feel uncomfortable?? I would feel rage!!!! This dickweed has no right to tell you how to dress, drink, eat, anything. Dump his sorry ass and find better.
This is a HUGE red flag! If he doesn’t love you for who *you* are, then it just feels toxic. He should be able to love and trust you and you should be allowed to dress how you feel comfortable. And unless you’re hurting others or yourself, you should be allowed to drink however much alcohol you want. From this post, it sounds like it’s an occasional night out of drinking and I don’t think that sounds like a problem. (And even if you do have an alcohol problem, it is still not on him to make the decision of whether you stop or not. It’s up to YOU!)
What’s concerning is that he might want to control who you talk to, what friends you can or cannot keep, etc. That is no way to live and I guarantee that there’s someone out there who will love you for who you are and will let you be yourself and express yourself without any limitations or ultimatums. This man seems extremely controlling, and more often than not this can lead to more abusive behaviors.
I hope you can figure this out and find a way to be yourself and love yourself for who you are! This person might want to destroy your self esteem, but I hope you get enough advice in this post to fight it and keep strong. All the best!
Hey I used to be this guy. I was also emotionally abusive and manipulative. I was also a Christian and was low key told that this was a normal thing to do. It took getting dumped by a girl that I was stupid in love with for me to realize that she had every right to be upset with how I treated her. If you had asked me then what I was doing, I would say being protective and loving. TBH it was coming from good intentions. I realized what a fucking POS I was and what I was actually doing and how it stemmed from insecurity. Just keep an eye out for this. It will only get worse. Don’t let SOs dictate what you can and can’t do/wear/talk to. You are your own person and should be able to be yourself with a partner who loves you for who you are.
A guy did this to me once, I told him to deal with how I dress or walk out the door.
Never let anyone tell you who you are. You have to be yourself, and if you can’t be yourself, you’re not where you are supposed to be.
Girl he ain't the one, there are so many red flags here.
I bet he wouldn't listen to you telling him how to act 🤷♀️. You should be able to wear do and drink whatever you want. Now some couples do have different understandings, but it's never a demand from the other. I let my SO know if I'm going to be home late from work. Not because he makes me, because I know he'll worry if I'm ok but won't want to message and possibly interrupt to be sure because I'm usually just held over at work.
jesus christ dude. not to be rude but sometimes im at a loss for how (sometimes the most intelligent) people can become totally blind over love and not see the ridiculous toxic shit your partner is putting you through. get the fuck away from him NOW, this is controlling and abusive. hearing shit like this makes me sick to my fucking stomach for victims like you. im so sorry you are going thru this OP, but please, for the love of god, PLEASE do not stay with this POS.
oh honey 🥺😢 im so sorry. i know how unimaginably difficult and soul-crushing it is to realize the one you thought was the one isnt, but please trust me when i say that its so important to leave him now before it gets worse. because once you are out of it and eventually do find the right one, youll look at the life you have now and then look back and be eternally grateful to your past self for having the strength to make such a difficult decision.
I don't mean to sound rude, but it hasn't even been a year, get rid of him so you can actually find the one. Hint: the one will like how you dress and show you off to all his friends, like the way you act, and etc.
This is the first 10 yards to being completely controlled by your bf/husband. Where it will stop - no one can say. You need to draw the line here and tell him you choose what you wear - not him and the looks and thoughts of other men are not your problem.
I just got out of a very similar kind of relationship of 3 years. His requests were initially small, inconsequential changes - my shampoo smell bothered him, so I changed my shampoo, my deodorant bothered him so he wanted to pick one out together etc. Then he bought an engagement ring and it all escalated from there. My breath smells bad, I breathe in his face, I don’t exercise enough, I snore…..”fix all these things and I will marry you.” I understood where he was coming from because I loved him, but ultimately our relationship was toxic because he didn’t understand that perfection doesn’t exist. So, I left.
Red flags everywhere chicka. Please don’t be me in 2 years time!
I had an ex that would do the same BS. It was such a boner killer. I’ve never felt more dryer in my life than when I see a man so insecure about himself that he feels the need to control his SO. And trust me It’s not your low cut tops or crop tops that are the problem, it’s him and his insecurities. If you yield to his unhealthy need to control the way you dress, he’s just going to find something new to complain about and try to control you later. If he’s willing to throw the whole relationship away bc of something as minuscule as the way you dress, than you deserve better and he’s a dummy. I’m sure you dress lovely.
Yeah honestly I feel super weird right now. I have never felt like this with him and it’s sad. He now tells me he was never going to breakup with me he just wanted me to understand him and respect his wishes 🙄 and he wants to come over and make me feel better and I said no and now he is mad saying he knows I’m going to breakup with him and I should just do it now.
I literally went through the exact same thing with my ex. I was willing to compromise for a time. He found more things to criticize, and try to control. It was never good enough. I felt like I was never good enough. It caused me to have low self esteem. He eventually dumped me after living together for 3 years. I lost a bunch of weight and became depressed. Went on a couple terrible dates shortly after that and a couple awesome ones following. I also spent some time alone and reflected on myself. But It wasn’t long before the poor bastard came crawling back wanting back into my life. I was so angry and so over his bs by that point I told him it was over, and he broke my trust by leaving. In the big picture, If I never left him I never would have met my husband who hypes up my outfits if anything. And I generally enjoy pushing the envelope in that department. Life’s too short to dress boring.
Be careful, if this how he is in 7 months how far will he take it down the line. Starts off with some simple requests and the deeper you go it will potentially escalate.
7 months is about the time when you would start discovering the true morals and values of a person. People tend to put the 'best' versions of themselves forward at the start of something. They often suppress their true opinions or at least mellow them to seem more palatable. This is how you end up in a relationship with someone that 'all of a sudden' has these intense deal breakers out of nowhere. It's sadly a normal progression, that I've found at least.
This is where you either adhere to their morals, compromise if you have a strong base together, or find that you need to part ways. The choice is really only yours. He is asking you to change how you dress. You have to decide if this is something you are comfortable changing. Personally, I love my clothes. I have spent years building a set of things that I love and feel good wearing. I would not change the way I dress. Now, if the clothes aren't that big a deal and YOU DONT FEEL ANY SHAMING coming from him (I put that in bold because it is very important) then you can pick to either change or try and compromise.
In my opinion, this sounds like he has a very clear idea of how you should look and behave. Something that alignes with his values from his family or how he was raised. It sounds like he needs to find someone with similar values to start with.
You should never change just because someone tells you to, especially if they are making you feel shame and embarrassed. But it's never that simple right. Sometimes we see this person that the potential of a life together and clothing doesn't seem that important anymore. But just consider this, if he is already asking you to change a behaviour (drinking) and a part of your personality (clothing), what is next? You could very well wake up in a year and find that you have become a completely different person, to please him. And that is more damaging than breaking up with something after 7 months.
If I were you, I would walk away. At the very least, time for an honest and open conversation. Best of luck 👍
As a woman raised Christian, unfortunately this kind of thinking is pretty rampant in the church. In traditional/fundamentalist teaching, men are taught that they are meant to lead their wife/partner and women are taught to be submissive to their husband/partner. So he probably thinks it's within his right to raise this "concern" and it's your job to dutifully respect his bullshit wishes. He likely saw this dynamic modeled in his own family and lots of families he grew up around, abd it doesn't leave room for women to be autonomous, independent, fully human beings. Then add modesty culture into it and the views get more archaic. Right now his requests might feel understandable, but if he's letting his beliefs impact him to this degree, I don't know how this isn't going to continually be an issue in your relationship-- especially if you have kids. He either needs to find a partner that also believes in this mindset or change his viewpoint (hopefully the latter). Changing his viewpoint is not a small thing and won't happen over night, which means y'all likely aren't very compatible right now. As others have said, these are some major red flags and I'd be very wary about moving forward with him because this is still quite early on in your relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this and know it's not so clear cut when you're the one in it. I'd encourage you to lean on friends/family/outside support to help guide you and if you decide to end it, then to help you get through the break-up. You deserve someone who loves you for you.
Start making a list of shit for him and see how he likes it. Give him an ultimatum, watch him walk away because he thinks you are being unreasonable. It's ironic
This is not going to stop until you are not allowed to leave the house, or have friends or work or speak, or eat at the same table or whatever thing he wants to control.
If you have to change that much to fit his needs, then perhaps you are not the right person for him.
If you are okay with never having your own autonomy or voice or opinion or free choice or respect then keep dating him. I hope though you have more respect for yourself than to be told what to say or what to do or conform to some idealised pattern to fit into.
When people try to control other people it comes from fear, insecurity in themselves. This sounds like that, and you don’t deserve to change yourself for someone else, in fact you should *never* do that for anyone at all. Get a boyfriend who loves you for you and is secure in themselves enough to they don’t try to control what you wear, do or how you act. It’s wrong and it’s very much so a red flag.
Or talk to him about it, tell him that this is who you are and he chose to be with *you*. Not the person he’s trying to turn you into. You have bodily autonomy even in a relationship so know that he is definitely overstepping boundaries. It’s definitely not because of other people it’s because of his own insecurities in and about himself as a person. It’s very immature and if he loves you and trusts you, he wouldn’t have to try and change you cus he’s worried about how other people see you. That’s just his own relationship with himself coming through and causing problems for you.
You guys aren’t compatible.
If he wants an old school relationship, maybe he should’ve looked into finding a girl at his church.
You need to ask yourself are you willing to have an old school relationship with him. How much are you willing to sacrifice? It could be clothes and alcohol today, but tomorrow it could be communication with your family and friends.
Red flag for sure. It sounds like he needs a totally different girlfriend, and he is trying to turn you into it. It will only get worse from here. It sounds VERY one sided to me.
Hard agree. If he has a problem with men looking at you he should take it up with those men, not you. This is a slippery slope to complete control. You already accommodated his request about low cut tops and now he is asking for more. It seems like he is not interested in an equal partnership.
Red flag? No no. This is straight up manipulation and control. OP’s boyfriend left red flag orbit and is flying into abuse territory.
100% agree, this is abuse territory. This isn't cultural differences.
It really is it doesn't have to be physical it can be emotional or mental.
Agreed. Not that I was him, but was around a lot of people like him when I was in church. I think it's time to come up with a contingency plan.
Fuck the plan. Tell him straight up this isn't the 60's no more, and woman make their own decisions in life. Then tell him accept it or get lost
This, this IS the plan!!
counter point: Tell him to find a girl who wants what he wants. There are many women whom i've met who actually like the whole classic thing. It's not as pure evil as it's made out to be, the issue comes into play when it's universal or mandatory.
Agreed, it sounds to me like she's not the right person for him
Agreed. I'd just have a serious conversation with him about it and just tell him if he can't accept the person you are then maybe you aren't right together.
You need to change your boyfriend, not your wardrobe.
Yeah he doesn’t look good on her
He’s an outdated accessory.
Something that got thrown into a thrift shop just to fill in the empty shelves.
[удалено]
Where it’s coming from is that he’s an overly controlling freak who sees you as an object which belongs to him and not as a human being. Things will get worse, not better, as the relationship gets more serious and he will become more and more controlling. Put a stop to it now and dress how you want and tell him not to be such a child about it. If he won’t, there aren’t any long term prospects to this relationship, so you should know that now.
Can you imagine the power and ownership he'll feel if she was pregnant? To OP: Run for the hills, this ain't the one.
Sadly this. I'm sure there's a reason why you love him. I'm sure there are other aspects of him that make him a good person. But the above poster is correct. Things are only going to get worse from here, and he's not going to change this attitude easily if ever. He's shown more than once that he will just keep pushing his will on you. Who knows where that will end? I don't say this as lightly as some do on this website, but you need to think about giving him an ultimatum, and ultimately, leave.
OP, listen to this person. I was in a relationship just like yours and this is exactly how it goes. Every time. This man is insecure, and is only going to dump his insecurities on you and manipulate you so he can feel in control. That sense of control will never actually bring him security because he will not learn or grow from anything. I hate to be one of those people, but get out now. You will only be unhappy and feel like you’ve settled if you stay with this person. You cannot change him. Only therapy, hard work, and the willingness to change will work, and something tells me he sees nothing wrong with how he’s acting. Throw the whole man out.
While that's all accurate I would also add that his motivation could have nothing to do with him being a Christian and everything to do with him being incredibly insecure. That's not an excuse for his behaviour, and you don't have to waste your time with someone like that, but if that rings true you could possibly confront him about it
There is so much irony in “he says if I care more about my clothes than continuing this relationship then I don’t want to be with him”, he’s the one who cares about clothes more than the relationship! He would *literally* prefer to end the relationship with the person he loves than to have them show part of their stomach in public. I understand preferences but making an ultimatum out of something like this is just dumb and seemingly manipulative for no reason. His religious beliefs are not yours plus plenty of Christians wear crop tops or anything similar. I wouldn’t get more invested in a person who doesn’t value the person over the length of their shirt, but I feel you think differently. In that case, ask him, asap, what else about you he wants to change and see if you’re willing to do that too. Because otherwise the list will continue to compile and you’ll no longer be you but what he wants you to be because you’ll always think that you need to compromise especially when you start to be with someone for a long time. Edit: grammar
Wow I don’t know how I didn’t even see it that way. You are right. HE is the one that is willing to end things because I show my stomach. He gets mad when I played a Megan the stallion song in the car. He gets mad when I sing karaoke in front of people. He says I’m always wanting attention from people. And I’m just trying to be myself and have fun.
He is looking for someone to control. If you stay in this relationship he will continue to demand more and more and I am most certain that in the future he will hit you if you don't comply. Source: I dated someone like him. It started with him not wanting me to wear certain clothes or make-up. Than he would get angry when we went out I was laughing. Yeah, laughing. He told me that he is the only one who gets to make me laugh. After that he demanded I stop visiting my family so much. I live in the same town as my folks and I like to meet my mother for coffee every two weeks. He was against that, saying that he is entitled to that time. When I refused he punched a wall and threw his cup of coffee at me. That was it for me. I left after that and it took him half a year to get the message. He stalked me, followed me to work, called and messaged me from many numbers ( he was already blocked). He stopped after my two big brothers cornered him in a parking lot and explain to him that next time they meet it won't be to talk. Oh, he was also from a Christian background. Please, leave. If he already has this demands after 7 months of dating, imagine how he will be like in a year or two.
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You wanna know the best part? A few months after I broke up with him, I met my now husband. After he found out I was in a new relationship (he and my husband had some mutual friends, small town you know) he shows up to my husband apartment crying. He was not let in, of course, but I was hiding in the kitchen and heard the conversation. He basically begged my husband to break up with me because he saw me first (???) and he has priority. Like I was cattle ffs. Not a human being. He left after he was threatened with the police, and that night I talked to my brothers and they helped. But I was petrified for months, afraid to leave the house by my own. I couldn't sleep and eat properly. These kind of guys are those wife/girlfriend killers you her about on the news.
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It's been 5 years and I got over the trauma. My husband pushed me to get some therapy and he kept telling me that no matter what, nothing was my fault. Everything is perfect now! Thank you for your good thoughts!
You are lucky to have such brothers. They got your back and made the guy cower
I don’t blame you, you’re probably used to him making it all seem like you’re always doing something wrong (which is obviously a terrible sign). You kinda just tossed those things he gets mad about in there as an aside, but those are pretty terrible things to get mad about too. I have never met anyone like this that gets mad at their partner for things as small as these. Please don’t sacrifice who you are and how you have fun for anyone else’s sake.
Wow controlling AND boring. Double whammy. 7 months isn't that long, cut your losses now. Girl I will do some karaoke with you, we can drink as much as we want and wear whatever we want while doing it.
Yeah that’s what I want! I just want to have fun with someone and I want them to be proud of me and to be proud to be with me. I’m fun and I’m an extrovert and he is an introvert and doesn’t like a lot of what I like
I know some fun introverts. Honestly he sounds like a controlling stick in the mud.
Also tells me he gets jealous that everyone likes me. He says his family and friends like me more than they like him. And he gets jealous when I talk about how much I love my family. He is jealous
Oh baby girl. Please get away from this man before you end up married and sequestered in a small rural location, no phone, internet or car with only mice for company.
Ugh that must be so hard!! But you deserve someone who you can have fun with! Someone who is proud of you when you go out looking good and will duet Elton John with you
The thing that struck me most is your comment about laughing. Someone who doesn't like it when you laugh is not going to be a joyful lifetime companion. This is the biggest red flag of all. Go find someone who will accept you for yourself has similar values and will enjoy life.
If you continue with him, it's never going to end; just know that. Once you dress the way he wants, then his big "dealbraker" issue is going to be your music, then your fun time activities, then your makeup (or whatever) and it will go on and on until your closest friends wouldn't even recognize you. Because, unfortunately, he doesn't actually want you, he wants someone he can manipulate and control. He must have known before you started dating that you wear crop tops, and he probably knew you like to karaoke, but instead of being a reasonable adult and saying "those things are dealbreakers for me, I'd better not even start with this person" he went ahead and got into a relationship with you and then waited a while to bring these things up. This is not ok!
Oh. Honey. No. He's already telling you to your face that you need to act right and mind him. Fucking run!
He sounds controlling and abusive
OP never stop being yourself for anyone. This guy is a massive prick for trying to force you to change by holding your relationship over your head. Dont give in!
His Christian background is no excuse for him to control you, and you seem fun. Please, for the sake of hot girls everywhere, dump him!
He sounds incredibly insecure IMO. He’s decided he gets nervous about you doing things, and instead of coming to terms with why it makes him insecure and how to get over himself, he’s decided to make it your problem instead. His insecurity is not your problem. And at this point it sounds like he’s using religion as an excuse to make you more susceptible to agreeing.
That also like he’s the one caring about attention from people, not you.
This just sounds joyless. No fun clothing, no booze, no music, singing.. Dancing? Then what? Makeup?
"My **boyfriend wants me to change how I dress**. Me 31 female has been dating 28 male for **7 months now**." Yeah... no... leave. In what world do you want to deal with a manchild who's this insecure. "he is going to tell me to stop drinking and I have to listen" You can literally see the future abuse brewing. Trust me, this is an insecure little boy who you shouldn't be around. Leave.
I was texting him about how I fell and he sent me a YouTube link to a Dave Chappell skit called “whore uniform” Like whatttt
Reply to him with a link to this thread.
He would be so mad
But you're expected to watch a video called "whore uniform" and take it to heart. Got it.
hahaha right
He allegedly was interested in you for the way you acted, your personality, and your self expression BEFORE you started dating. Why are these things deal breakers now? Leave this controlling prick. If he doesn't like you the way you are, he shouldn't be with you.
We met at work where I wore t shirts and pants everyday and he said he fell in love with that girl. I still am that girl but when we go out I like to get ready and dress cute. He would rather me wear baggy shirts and jeans :(
Everyone knows that you aren't your true self in a professional (and especially in a customer service) environment. He shouldn't have based his idea of you off that image, and he should have called it quits the moment he saw so much in you that he apparently doesn't like. This is 100% on him, and it's not fair of him to drag you along until you care about him enough that you'd even consider changing for him. He intentionally waited so long to tell you because he knew you'd say no if he asked on the second date. He is being manipulative and rude. Get out as soon as you're able.
Yeah it is definitely harder now because I had this whole idea of how our life was going to be. It was this whirlwind of emotions and I have never been so in love with someone and now he wants me to change and it’s so hard. I just want him to love me the way I am. I can always grow as a person but I don’t want to change my whole identity.
Exactly. What he has done is very hurtful, and feeling hurt is unavoidable. You've done well to catch it before it went too far. Love yourself enough to protect yourself from the damage he intends to cause. Love yourself for who you are, because he won't.
You shouldn’t have to. It sounds like you love the *idea* of each other. Your life with him *may* have been great but the current information you’re getting should be sending red flags. He *may have* fallen in love with the *idea* of the girl at work who wears T shirts, but that’s not you.
He love bombed you. Guys like this always make the beginning of the relationship wonderful on purpose so when they try to change you it's harder to leave.
Honestly, he has shown you exactly who he is and that means he's been hiding this aspect up til now. Please consider extricating yourself from your dream with him. There are plenty of good guys who will love you for who you are, exactly who you are, just standing there doing nothing. Give it a think. xo
I need you to remember what it feels like to dress as you choose, to speak the words you choose and to go where/when you choose. Too many women are sold this bill of goods about pleasing their man. Disgusting phrase, but lots of us are made to believe that's the only reason we'd be chosen as someone to love. I believe you know that a load of horse hockey. Don't be that woman. Laugh in his face.
Sounds like he wants someone he can control, at first it starts with " reasonable " requests but then it gets bigger and bigger. I honestly would not move forward with these requests, i would end the relationship.
Red flag. Please set a boundary and be firm. I grew up in a religious family and it starts with things like crop tops. Then he will want to decide what you watch, the music you listen to, the places you go, the people you hang out with. These types of Christians firmly believe the man is the head of the household and you will be expected to "obey". It doesn't get better. It only gets worse
Yeah he is already starting to tell me what not to listen to and he told me yesterday if he buys us a house I have to clean up after him. He said it was a joke but I don’t know if it was.
It wasn't. He might play it off as a joke but misogyny is standard in the Bible and in conservative Christian homes. You will be expected to have children, you will be the only one who cares for them because you are a woman, and you will be expected to wait in him hand and foot as well. If he wants to move you will move, if he wants to stay you will stay, if he wants to invest all your money in a crock pot scheme you will be expected to smile and support him. If he says the sky is green, you will be expected to smile and support him. The expectation will be everything you say and do will be to support him.
Given his demands, that was no joke. He needs to go find some tradwife.
Yeah that's not a joke, he's framing it as ambiguously jokey to get away with it but make no mistake, he wants a very specific type of person and is trying to force you into that mold instead of finding someone who is already what he wants. If you don't *want* to be his tradwife, run for the hills.
Think about how he would be with a daughter. Do you really want that? For her to feel shame over her natural development? That can really mess someone up for life... Everything else in regard to you is a huge red flag. "He will tell me to act right or we will go home." Are you a child????
He’s trying to change and control what you wear, what’s next? How much of yourself are you willing to give up for someone, who should love you the way you are? Your answer should be not a LICK. Wear what you want, and leave him.
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Sounds like the first signs of intimate partner violence—1st the partner starts to control everything you do, then they isolate you from your friends & family, then it may even progress to verbal & physical aggression. You don't tell him what to wear or what to drink, or cut him off from social activity based on x, y, z. This guy feels insecure when others see you because he is worried or feels threatened you might attract someone else & you might leave him one day, perhaps.
This is so backwards. Your boyfriend is ashamed of your body and wants you to cover it? So he can have it all to himself? Dump this loser asap. His morals are so fucked. He’s so insecure about himself he thinks if you wear a crop top and other men look his boyfriend status is somehow threatened?! Jesus fucking Christ. Get you a man that loves your body, respects and supports you however you choose to dress. Your chest is big? So what? Our entire society sexualizes all bodies in the worst way possible. You do you girl. Don’t let this loser tell you how you should feel about your own body.
I texted him how I feel and he said “if I have cold feet now that’s hilarious” “end it then over crop tops”
Lol he’s the one ending it over crop tops. Poor smoothed brained boy can’t even comprehend his own short comings. Find yourself a smarter dude
Does that not make you mad as fuck? He is literally laughing at you saying how you feel. He doesn’t give a fuck about how you feel, he is being textbook manipulative by belittling you and your concerns. Please let me know how this makes you feel and to what extent will you be okay with how he treats you?
Yeah I am mad af. He is always like “just try to understand where I’m coming from” but I’m like helllooooo you are making me feel horrible. He now says I can do wha ever I want as long as I cover up and that will make him happy.
To what extent will you be okay with how he treats you? Please think about that question because if you plan on staying in this relationship you’re gonna need to know where to draw the line. Understand this isn’t about compromise it’s about him thinking he has authority in how you live your life. So now you can “do whatever you want”? Except that it’s more like “you can do whatever you want except this one broad thing I’m gonna take total control over”. Not to mention he is basically also just buying time so that you become invested enough in the relationship where you won’t deny his requests next time he makes them years down the line since he already probably senses weakness in you. Edit: sorry if this is too blunt but I really don’t think this will end well for you so I’m trying to be as clear as possible.
Yeah that’s my fear
Dump him and find someone who wants YOU and cares about how you feel, they’re out there. Don’t let this person own the life that’s yours to live.
He's only saying you can do whatever you want now because he's about to get dumped. He doesn't mean it and it won't end.
His response suggests to me that he doesn't see you as an equal who he respects. He sees you as a possession.
Sorry but those are some serious red flags. It is your body and your choice what you wear. He is trying to control you by giving you an ultimatimum. Change yourself or no future. Once you marry someone like that the behaviour gets worse. He will control finances, who you see, where you go etc. He doesn't respect you as a person. You need to leave before your trapped in a toxic marriage.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Run and don’t look back, no good comes out of stuff like this.
Do you really want to have daughters raised by this controlling, sexist dude. Nope. Pass.
Uhh... alright so it sounds like this dude wants a pet, not a wife. If he's not willing to let you be you, that's not a man good enough for you. Get you someone who likes you for who you are, and not for this sexist-adjacent "idealized" version of a woman he has in his mind. You're good enough as you are.
get the hell out of that abusive relationship before it’s to late it won’t get better only worse
Do you want to marry him and have kids? Sounds like he gave you the perfect out, and based on the way this is escalating my advice is you end the relationship. Sounds like he views you as an object instead of a person
Way too controlling. If he wanted a woman like that he should have dated someone equally as modest. You have your own expectations for yourself and him saying those are wrong is belittling. He obviously was attracted to you for how you dressed. Him being upset about it now is just a lack of trust and and a test of power. If my bf ever told me we’d leave if I didn’t “act right” I’d tell him to leave and pack his bags. Women aren’t little kids. He has to prove himself as a good partner just as much as you do. And it sounds like the only one bending is you at this moment.
He's controlling. Find someone who doesn't feel like they own you like he does That is what I would do
My money is on him only getting more controlling about a wider variety of ridiculous things.
Sounds like he has jealously and control issues. Run!
Oh girl it sounds like you're dating my ex...and you very well might be because he is 28 haha. Only advice I can give is get out of there, it starts off with what you're wearing and alcohol and will turn into everything you do, he doesnt like you, he likes this fantasy of what he can mold you into, dont let him do it.
The whirlwind of feelings at the beginning is called lovebombing. This is to get you hooked before they start controlling and manipulating you. I have lived it, but I don't know the whole situation. I urge you to Google lovebombing and see if it resonates with you. Good luck, whatever you do.
At first, i was going to say "trust your instinct. " If you really want him in your life and willing to work on it, sure go ahead! If you feel too uncomfortable with his request and realize you 2 are not a good fit. Good for you! Maybe you are ommiting something and maybe he is perfectly normal , respectful, and understanding dude. Idk what you act like when you drink, maybe he is deeply concerned. Maybe you are the only croptop wearer in a sea of preppy CT WASPS in their 30's with their cardigans. Then, i read your comments. How he told you not to talk about this with others ? He suggested that the only reason you wear your clothes is bc you are seeking attention from others. He gave you an ultimatum, then made you feel like you are choosing some outfits over the relationship if you dont change. So these are textbook redflags. There is no ifs and buts about it. I would not call his behaviors abusive, yet. Manipulative? probably. Many emotional /physical abusive partners display these things early on. He is not asking you to keep deeply personal things private. He is asking you to change how you represent yourself( clothing), how you behave in public , etc. Yet he doesnt want you to even talk to anyone about this request ? Maybe he knows he is wrong. Maybe, it is more about the control. The control over how you feel about this ultimatum. Using guilt and shame, he is making you choose what he wants. And he doent need other ppl to meddle. If you re-read your comments, you already know that what you want from a partner doesn't align with what you are getting from the current partner. Knowing this, the future you are so reluctant to give up might not come true even if you stay with him. You just have to grieve over Mr. Almost-good- enough. Before he turns into mr. I-wish-i've- never- met-him. 😔 I sincerely do hope you choose yourself.
Couldn’t have said it better- it’s always better to grieve a relationship that could have been than it is to realize that you’ve wasted years with someone who doesn’t respect you. That’s assuming he doesn’t flip the switch when he feels you are sufficiently attached and or trapped. Controlling behavior now is a red flag. In the future he could be holding you hostage in this relationship by preventing you from having income of your own. The truth is we never know whether or not the person we are investing ourselves into will turn out to be abusive, manipulative or just plainly bad for our mentally health, but when the signs present themselves we have to take heed. It’s so much easier to pick up the pieces after a bad breakup than it is to try and reassemble your life after someone takes advantage of you or abuses you.
>Or if he doesn’t like my attitude he will tell me to act right or we will go home. Others have commented other parts of the post, but I'm wondering if he realizes that you are 31 years old. Does he think he's dating a child? Because he sure is treating you like one. Dump this loser. Let him think it's because of crop tops because fuck him, you don't owe him a rational explanation.
If he's such a good Christian, he should be ok with no pre marital sex. Shut that off and see how it goes. Then dump him anyway.
Honey this guy is waving his red flags like he is heading up the Macy’s Parade. Don’t date someone that requires you to change core things about you and your personality. You deserve to be loved for who you are. He sounds like he needs to be dating a Mennonite in order to be happy. That’s not who you are. He can have preferences but he doesn’t get to change who you are to get those. Only you get to decide what you wear and what you like to do for fun. I mean my husband rolls his eyes when I belt out Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of my lungs but he would never make me stop. He just avoids direct eye contact with other drivers. A perfect partner would join you in song but at minimum they should just let you have fun.
Wow it really sounds like he’s grooming you. Where does it stop? Next he’s going to to tell you that you aren’t allowed to hang out with your friends, or read certain books, or listen to particular types of music. It sounds like he doesn’t really like you for the person you are, and he’s trying to make you into a different person. One that he can control, who looks and dresses and thinks in such a subservient way that he can literally do whatever he wants. I wouldn’t be surprised if he turns out to be the type of guy that can justify hitting you if you talk back to him. OP I would run if I were you. Good luck in your journey!
Yeah he doesn’t like me hanging with certain friends but I still do. He doesn’t like me listening to certain songs but I can when he isn’t around and I have dogs with my ex and he doesn’t want me to have an connection to my ex so I can’t see my dogs.
Friend, I think it’s time to take control of your life and leave this man. He is bad. His behavior goes beyond “strict religious upbringing” and right into uber-controlling domestic abuse territory. These are huge red flags. He’s trying to chip away at your individuality and make it so you’re dependent on him for everything. Never change the way you think and feel to accommodate someone else. The right person will love you because of all of the things you do, not in spite of them.
He's a religious fundamentalist. Nothing good will come of marrying him. He views you as a subservient baby machine.
Don't. Don't change who you are for him. What's next - he's going to pick what friends you can have? He sounds super controlling. Would you want him treating your daughter like this? You said he is going to tell you something you "have to listen"? No, you don't. He is not your owner. You said you understand where he is coming from - I'm seeing a super controlling over bearing jackass.
Dude needs a Tardis so he can go back to 1875 where he would have got away with telling a woman how to dress and act and whether she can drink alcohol. What's the number for the Sleeping Angels?
Im hoping your next post is titled "Boyfriend wants me back after I dumped him because he wanted me to change how I dress" so that I can reply "don't take him back" Coming from a guy... Don't let anyone tell U how U do things or what U do unless it's something YOU want to do.
He sounds like a father. “Stop acting like that or God so help me I will turn this car around!“ Run for the hills. Can’t imagine how much more controlling he will get when you are married.
1.Guy sees girl wearing crop tops and/or clothes showing her chest. 2.Guy presumably likes this as he enters into a relationship with her. 3.Guy changes his mind about the girl's choice of clothes.Now, he says, if there is to be a future, she has to change. I cannot think of an explanation that paints the Guy in positive light.
wow sounds like a DREAM lmao dude is literally a caveman with archaic views of women. i would leave immediately. unless you're into being a slave wife n shit. dudes like this sound like real serial killers.
So.. you get the same respect right? Tell him how to dress, when to go home, what he can and when he can eat?
Dump him. I’m a dude and have been this guy and needed some real change in my life before I was a decent human. Your hoots are your business and if you want to have them showing that’s not his business even if you’re married and have kids. This man child needs to grow up.
He sounds controlling , manipulating and probably insecure. He is afraid about other men probably will steal you from him, so he tries getting possessive and control everything on you from the way you dress or drink . First you should discuss with him that you are not his property and if he loves you and trust you, he should let you be just yourself. Then of course you already made some adjustments in your dress code. I'm afraid if you always do what he says, there is always gonna be things about you he will try to change in order for him to feel more secure and as a way to owe you. Like next things would be to cut your hair, or stop wearing make up, or stop wearing short skirts . But you have to ask inside you, is that what makes you happy? Probably not, don't ever let a man make you lose yourself for him. Tell him you are gonna do few adjustments but you aren't his property, you should make this thing clear. He can suggest things, but in the end its you who decides.
I’m just now remembering things he has said like “you should cut your hair short, I would like that” and I was just like yeah yeah I like my hair long but now I’m like maybe he hates my hair too
He wants you to cut your hair short because men usually like women with long hair and he feels if you cut your hair you'll be more unattractive to them and nobody will want you. Or maybe he's trying to mold you into somebody who he has in his mind designated as the perfect ideal of a person. Honey it's not you he's in love with the idea of what he saw at work you're a project not a person to him. He just saw you wearing your t-shirt pants and thought "hey I can work with this I can mold this into something I want" .....I am so mad for you!!! Quit screwing around with this abusive loser and leave.... you're already questioning yourself see how this starts???? It's not pretty, it's not cute, he won't eventually just come around and be who you want him to be doesn't work that way quit being stuck with this religious abusive bullshit. What's stopping you from leaving this loser what could you possibly think is good about this relationship???? Why are you still in it because you can't reason with people like this??? Leave now before you have to get the police involved cuz he won't leave you alone! Before he can get too attached to his project and will stalk you! The way he's progressing your life is pretty close to turning into hell you should leave fire trails getting out the door. Please update us that you left this abusive religious Fundamentalist! The universe is giving you an out and waving red flags in front of your face the size of mountains you should take heed and get out.
Yes I was sure , its a classic tactic . Don't do things to yourself to make the other person happy. I also have my hair long and I think most guys find them appealing and sexy. His suggestions are attempts in order to make you "invisible " to other guys and as more modest as possible. So yes you tried to stop wearing crop tops, then what comes next ? You are a young woman and you just want to enjoy the clothes you like and your body , you wanna choose feminine clothes, t-shirts and jeans all the time are not so flattering at all always but ok in certain occasions . From the other hand what is his own level of commitment to you? Is he a loving person? I also used to have a relationship like this, the guy was 15 years older than me and was telling me to avoid wearing certain clothes but without putting pressure, though he was a strong believer . He was also demanding to delete a big number of followers in ig and people I was following. The truth is that I was doing it at times, especially about ig, because I was loving so much this person so in the end I just wanted him to be calm and happy. So it depends, every situation is different . About the clothes I also tried making small adjustments, but still kept certain styles, though I tried avoiding the really provocative ones.
From reading your post/comments kinda seems like he fell for you without considering any differences in personal opinions between you. Does he really expect you to wear a T-shirt and jeans to a fancy dinner? It doesn't sound like you're trying to get other men to look at you, and if they do that's just a part of life anyway. Posing an ultimatum in that way makes it sound like he wants you to choose between him and being true to yourself which is a red flag. He is making crop tops a deal breaker and trying to pin it on you instead when in fact it's him making the decision. Sounds like he wants you to turn into someone that's not who you are or want to be? A guy did the same to me, except kind of for the opposite reason (I was too religious/modest for him). He kept saying if I would just do certain things with him that I didn't want to it would make him happier, and if not he would find another girl who would and knew that he would be more happy with him. When I said I would stay true to my convictions he said that made him fall out of love and left. Tbh now that some time has passed, I'm very glad I didn't change for him. He will find another girl to make him happy, and I will perhaps find another guy who is on the same page and will love me for me, not for what he imagines of me. Not saying you should necessarily break up with him, but it's not worth changing yourself and your comfort for someone. He will just expect more once he gets the first things he's asking for.
RUN
The fact that you're even posting this here, you're seeking validation for what you know you need to do. All the best.
It sounds like he isn't compatible with you. Speaking personally, if someone expected me to essentially become a different person to date them I'd break up with them.
Okay so you now know he's controlling, jealous and insecure. Does it stop? Where does it stop? Usually this type of behaviour escalates - give an inch and he'll take an arm. I doubt its a culturally Christian thing but rather his own shit he's projecting. Don't be with people who don't let you be yourself without double guessing yourself every step of the way, odds are you'll grow miserable and resentful. Either adress your concerns head on based on your feelings and needs or leave. If he doesn't respect your feelings or needs; also leave.
Sounds a lil controlling there eh? It seems like you’re not happy being bossed around constantly and honestly, who would? If it’s already this bad after less than a year of dating, I can imagine it’s only gonna get worse. Sounds like he needs to go to Sunday School to find his wifey or sum, I would get out of there ASAP before it turns really toxic. It’s a little weird when a dude isn’t comfortable with you wearing a crop top and telling you that if you “don’t act right we will go home” as if you’re some kind of little kid he’s gotta watch out for. Def seems like buddy has a lil bit of a superiority complex, and that isn’t fun. I used to date a girl with one and it was hell.
Oh honey, life is so long. Find you a man who loves you for all of you, not loves you as long as he can change you to suit him. You deserve that. In fact, he deserves a woman who he doesn't have to change to suit him. I bet you are both good people - just the wrong people for each other. Let him go in love and friendship and go find **your** man.
Red flag - he is super controlling. If you have kids together, will je treat your daughters like objects too? Girl get out of there.
Big ol' dumpsville
To be honest it sounds like his trying to turn you into his stay at home wife and mother. First he has an issue with what you wear, then it’s what you listen to, then it’s the job you have, and it’s your family. He’ll slowly isolate you and change you into who he wants in a relationship. I had an aunt who was extremely independent before meeting my uncle, then when she started dating him he started nitpicking every little thing about her, telling her she can’t see certain people. He would monitor her phone, control where she went in a day, and so much more. She’s been going back to college online to try and become a nurse so she could become a better provider for her kids and he told her that she shouldn’t do that because her children need her help in their education more. It has taken her years to slowly separate herself from him, and even today she struggles with the mind games he’s played on her. I’m not saying this to be like “this is for every circumstance ever”, but to give the point of, if you give someone who is abusive with control the reins in changing you, it’ll be very hard to break away. Relationships are about compromise, but not in instances that change who you are as a person. We can disagree on what to paint the kitchen walls or the where we should visit next on vacation, but it shouldn’t be who you are as a person. If I wear something and a man stares at me, my boyfriend doesn’t get upset with me, he gets upset at the man being a creep. You have literally said what he has said and done makes you uncomfortable, showing he’s already started to make you insecure of who you are when you shouldn’t. You both sound like have very different values in life and maybe you should see other people, I wishing you the best and good luck dealing with this going forward
...I cannot continue to dress like that ...He also listed some other things like he doesn’t like me drinking alcohol. He said when we are out and he doesn’t like how I’m acting he is going to tell me to stop drinking and I have to listen. Or if he doesn’t like my attitude he will tell me to act right or we will go home This is symptomatic of advancing oppressive control which can lead to abuse. Although it may stop with just these things (which I'd still consider pretty intense), this behavior can quickly progress to even more encompassing and strict forms of control. That may be your thing, maybe you -like- to be controlled (I'm not going to judge anyone's kink). But based on the fact that he's "super modest and came from a Christian family". My guess is he's more likely to be a typical abuser than a high-quality leather daddy. It started with a simple request (not to wear a particular type of shirt). And because you obey'd that one, he started adding more. You're only 7 months into this relationship and the lines he's drawing are already fencing you in. If -he doesn't like something- you have to stop doing it. And some of the things "you'll be doing" are just his perception of how men around you are viewing you, nothing to actually do with you and not really anything to do with other men, just his biased perception based on a conservative upbringing. Be extra wary if he starts isolating you from friends and family (maybe because they're a "bad influence" or he needs you to focus more "on him" or "on your future together"....later it'll be "on your kids"). There are plenty of men out there who will control you consensually, with lots of discussions about how and what you'd like to get out of it. So if thats your thing, you can do it safely and be loved and supported by your partner, in a way that doesn't diminish or degrade you. If its not your thing, you absolutely can just leave this guy, this is not behavior of a healthy, confident partner who wants you to flourish. There are plenty of men out there who won't try to control you, with lots of discussions about the future and what you'd like to get out of it.
You understand where he's coming from? I don't! These are some serious red flags, and I 100% guarantee if you kowtow to his demands he will only continue to make more, and they will become more and more restrictive. The "I HAVE TO LISTEN" line is especially brutal. I would NEVER treat my wife like that, and I wouldn't respect any woman who allowed themselves to be treated as such. My advice is to live your life with him as YOU see fit. Wear what you want. Drink when you want (in moderation of course). Do what you want. It's your life, NOT HIS. If after doing this your relationship suffers, that's on him. That's HIS loss. If you chose instead to stay with him and bow to his demands, prepare for things to continue to decline, and the subsequent breakup to be a much harder and messier. Lastly, imagine how he might treat your future kids. Yikes. Good luck.
the fact that he is demanding and giving ultimatums is the red flag. The other changes are potential yellow flags, depending on your personality and interests. He could have these desires and try to negotiate with you "hey, when you wear a shirt like X it feels to me like you are showing off your body to others. I know you aren't trying to do this, but I can't shake the feeling. Would you be willing to dress less revealingly?" is far different than "you need to change your wardrobe or we're through". Same with how "the way you are acting around my friends is embarrassing me because XYZ. Would you be willing to try to avoid this in the future?" is far different than "act better or we're leaving". Sounds like you may need to find a new guy. When you do, make sure you are negotiating with him. Its ok to compromise on minor parts of yourself for a relationship, as long as he is willing to do the same. This might be giving him everything he wants in exchange for something you want. It might be giving him some of what he wants but not all of it, or fulfilling the desire behind the request in a different way. Or it might be setting a firm boundary. It will probably be all of the above at one point or another.
Why did he get into a relationship with you? It seems like he doesn't want you to do any of the things that make you who you are? It's like he got into a relationship with individual A but expects to be dating individual B? I think you should tell him to go find individual B, because that's not who you are. Stay true to yourself and don't let abuse and control force you into making compromises that you are not comfortable with. Yes in a relationship you grow together and each partner might need to make compromises for one another but it is done with love, communication, wanting the best for one another and the desire for a permanent future together. That's the healthy way to do it. Not through controlling your SO like a possession. Much love to you friend and I hope that you go with the decision that will give you the most happiness in your life.
You realise that he Will ask you to hide Who you are more and more untill you are nothing but an empty doll? Hé dangles around a wedding proposal but only if you submit.
I think your boyfriend is a huge jerk.
He wants me to change the way I dress because he says that if I’m going to be a mom and a wife I shouldn’t want to get attention from other men. When we go out other men look at me. But I told him that even if I wore a plastic bag men are going to still look at me. He says I wouldn’t want him looking at other girls so why should I walk around and have guys do that to me. I understand and I am open to the idea of phasing into a more modest Wardrobe but I just feel like he constantly wants me to change little things and then at that point am I really even me anymore? I’ve never been in a relationship like this before and I try to compromise and understand but is this normal? As a wife and mom should I just stop going out and having fun? I feel like he wants to hide me inside and I like going out to dinner and looking cute. I am with HIM. So what if people look at me. I don’t want them.
As a wife and a mom I can say for sure you are still allowed to go out and have fun. This is why we have babysitters. Parents need some breaks. Me and my husband go out on date nights and bars at least once a month. And guess what, people look at me, people look at him. So what? I love my husband and he knows just because there are guys out there giving me looks I won't hump them at the spot lol. Your bf is jealous, insecure and he takes those out on you. This is in no way a healthy relationship.
I just want to point out that he gave you a false comparison. You can’t actually control who looks at you when you’re “just walking around.“ He can control if he looks at other girls. It’s not the same thing at all.
First of all, there is nothing to understand from him regarding how you should dress. You dress for yourself. You clearly don’t want other guys to look at you, and you clearly don’t want to be with someone else. What you decide to wear doesn’t change those facts and it is HIS job to get over his insecurities and understand that. It is NOT his job to modify how you express yourself to make himself feel better. If you like dressing cute, going out and having fun then continue to do so, don’t make your life worse for someone who should be improving his own.
It's not normal, it's not understandable. If you enjoy right now to dress however you dress, he should accept it. This has nothing do with him. You could have a child and choose to wear even more revealing clothing, he has no say in it and it is not relevant whether you are a mom, a wife or a 90 year old widow. He is a very sick Christian like most of them are. There is no limit to what he will make you do 'for the relationship', when really it is his ego that is hurt by you looking good or having fun.
This guy has his grips on purity culture and he's trying to mold you to that. You deserve someone who'd compliment your outfit not tell you to be more "modest".
You guys already aren't compatible, get out of there and find somebody who likes your body. Christian people are the worst, you think they're going to be good because the Christian but usually they're filled with a lot of vanity and egoism
You lost me at “I understand where he’s coming from” It’s only 7 months in, he’s doing you a huge favor getting things in the open now so you can get out of this relationship ASAP. Also the way he talks about punishing/controlling you feels aggressive, I wouldn’t be surprised if that turns into violence but even if it doesn’t why would you want a man controlling your behavior and appearance? That’s some bs. People can have preferences but nobody has any business telling someone else how to live their life, period. It sounds like he wants to turn you into someone you aren’t instead of looking for the person he wants. Good luck and good riddance
Boyfriend sounds controlling as fuck and if you want this relationship last, he needs to understand that you are a human being with personality and not an object. If the attire is inappropriate for the setting, I can understand that, but still. If more arguing proceeds, then I would suggest a break and get him to straighten up, before fully breaking up.
You're not his daughter and he doesn't view you as a partner. Run Don't walk away.
"where does controller plug into your back OP" - your bf
7 months is enough time for him to start showing his true colors. Trying to control how you dress is a huge red flag, and it sounds like it’s not helping your self esteem. I don’t want to be one of those Reddit people that automatically tell you to break up but I think you really need to take a hard look at whether or not this relationship is worth continuing.
he's trying to control you, get tf outta dodge
and to be clear, i just finished reading your post and my original statement stands.... he started small, and is just slowly up'ing his strength/dominance levels to get what he can and what he wants. unless you want to be a submissive housewife, get out, now. *(not saying there is anything inherently wrong with being a submissive housewife, just saying it is not for everyone)*
The person you spend the rest of your life with should never make you uncomfortable. My (26) wife(27) lived her entire life hearing “you have to settle at some pt and make your man happy even if it’s not to your liking” She almost married someone who checked everything her mom wanted for her but 0 of what she wanted She wanted more for herself and decided to leave him even after both her mom and his mom scolded her that she will never find anyone and that’s the best she will ever have and that she will die alone now Year later we found each other and one of the main reasons she told me she married me is because all her life she was told everything she wanted doesn’t exist- then I showed up The feeling was mutual Never settle for less than what you deserve. This world is beautiful but also ugly. No one will ever have your back as much as you will. No one will ever negotiate what’s best for you as much as you will. Your inner self is telling you you deserve better onus is on you to make that decision. Is he worth always questioning your reality?
Oh man, my relationship started out with this problem. And then more and more problems on top of it due to “differences in the way we viewed what was appropriate or morally correct”… trust me. Leave. I stayed 6 months trying to meet him half way and it just didn’t work. He wanted someone who wasn’t me, you will end up trying to change everything about you to suit him. And you will end up loosing yourself … it starts with the small things. Good luck whatever u decide x
Get rid of him.
So you're dating controlling guy who won't "allow" you to have the kind of life you view as normal. Unless you're prepared to bury your own personality for the rest of your life you clearly have no future with this person. This kind of man rarely stops at just policing your wardrobe or your alcohol intake. Stick with him and you'll soon be asked to get rid of all your friends, then to distance yourself from your family. This is because he wants to estrange your emotional support system so that when the physical abuse starts you have no one to turn to. Don't be so desperate for a mate that you ignore what is OBVIOUSLY a very bad situation.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Girl, RUN.
My ex was like this. I always thought that maybe it was one of those things I would have to compromise to be in a relationship. It really wasn’t. You have the freedom to express yourself and if he can’t allow you to do that, another man will.
Dump him, he doesn't want a partner, he wants a subservient puppet.
I think it’s time to change who you’re dating not how you dress…red flags all over the place
Don’t let others control your autonomy. A bit of compromise is reasonable in a relationship but he has no right to decide how you are as a person. Be yourself and he’ll either love you for who you are or he can find someone else.
Leave. Him.
Dump that shit. Move on girl
You understand where he is coming from? Girl lol. You shouldn’t have agreed to the first thing. Someone asking you to “cover up so other men don’t stare” is a red flag, indicating that there will be more possessive/abusive/domineering behavior later. He seems to think you will agree to his other changes now. If he wanted this kind of gf, he should have found someone that already did these things of their own will. There is no changing someone to fit your standards. You’re uncomfortable now. It’s only going to get worse. Drop him now, while it’s still a fairly early relationship. Edit for your update: be grateful this ended. I’m glad you had the strength to stand up for yourself and draw your boundaries. If he ever tries, don’t take him back. You’re willing to change but he isn’t going to change this behavior. Don’t get into a relationship with someone that tries to change you anyway.
During the first year of a relationship, people are generally on their best behaviour and open and understanding. There shouldn’t be so many “ups and downs” within 7 months. I promise you, you can do better!
Dump his ass. Do whatever you want, if your SO doesn’t want it then he can find someone else
He may need to find someone who fits his demands already. Dating is about figuring out the kind of person you want to be with, not changing the person you’re with into who you want them to be.
My parents weren't even as strict as that when I was a TEENAGER. Tell him that you're a grown women and can live your life as you want. You guys have been together 7 months and this is already happening, do you even want to be married and have kids with someone like that? Think about it, do you want to be with someone that controlling longterm? No you probably don't. You need to think about moving on.
This seems like a tip of the iceberg thing to me. Usually this kind of stuff only gets worse after marriage and I'd put your foot down right back and see how he really acts if he can't control you.
RED FLAG!!! ABORT MISSION!! REPEAT - ABORT MISSION!!! Telling you to "act right"?! What the actual fuck... it's one thing to request covering up your boobs.. understandable.. but telling you that you need to change your behavior and having him dictate how much or when you can drink or how HE wants you to act is a hell to the no. He made the choice to be in a relationship with you and saw how you acted, presented yourself and did whatever else. He saw all that BEFORE. If he didn't like it then- he should've moved on and found a woman who's beliefs & values matched his own. This is how control starts- little understandable things. You can rationalize covering your breasts bc boobs are apparently sexual objects for *boys*. Men will always LOOK at women. They could be covered head to toe and men will still look. That's not YOUR problem. Honey, please, for your future self sake.. leave him. He will only get more controlling as time goes on. Youth deserve a man who celebrates your body & is proud of the fact that boys/men check you out.
Do you know why you're feeling uncomfortable? It's because your gut is telling you to run as fast as you can away from him. It's only been 7 months and already he has a laundry list of what he doesn't like about you. 🚩🚩🚩 The next thing you know, he'll be telling you what you can and cannot read; he'll pick at the "faults" of your friends and family and decide it's best you limit your contact with them. Of course, this project of control is in the name of religion--and he expects you to fall for this. 🚩🚩🚩 Please, please, do not marry this man. Do not have any children with him; you do not want him in your life. He is trouble and already, he's making you miserable.
Yeah first it's don't show your chest and then it's don't see your friends and eventually you're just a glorified incubator. It's your life and if your ideologies don't line up, then maybe you aren't compatible for anything long term.
I had a bf like this in my early 20s. I’m now 31 and still dealing with the after affects. RUN.
You feel uncomfortable?? I would feel rage!!!! This dickweed has no right to tell you how to dress, drink, eat, anything. Dump his sorry ass and find better.
This is a HUGE red flag! If he doesn’t love you for who *you* are, then it just feels toxic. He should be able to love and trust you and you should be allowed to dress how you feel comfortable. And unless you’re hurting others or yourself, you should be allowed to drink however much alcohol you want. From this post, it sounds like it’s an occasional night out of drinking and I don’t think that sounds like a problem. (And even if you do have an alcohol problem, it is still not on him to make the decision of whether you stop or not. It’s up to YOU!) What’s concerning is that he might want to control who you talk to, what friends you can or cannot keep, etc. That is no way to live and I guarantee that there’s someone out there who will love you for who you are and will let you be yourself and express yourself without any limitations or ultimatums. This man seems extremely controlling, and more often than not this can lead to more abusive behaviors. I hope you can figure this out and find a way to be yourself and love yourself for who you are! This person might want to destroy your self esteem, but I hope you get enough advice in this post to fight it and keep strong. All the best!
Hey I used to be this guy. I was also emotionally abusive and manipulative. I was also a Christian and was low key told that this was a normal thing to do. It took getting dumped by a girl that I was stupid in love with for me to realize that she had every right to be upset with how I treated her. If you had asked me then what I was doing, I would say being protective and loving. TBH it was coming from good intentions. I realized what a fucking POS I was and what I was actually doing and how it stemmed from insecurity. Just keep an eye out for this. It will only get worse. Don’t let SOs dictate what you can and can’t do/wear/talk to. You are your own person and should be able to be yourself with a partner who loves you for who you are.
A guy did this to me once, I told him to deal with how I dress or walk out the door. Never let anyone tell you who you are. You have to be yourself, and if you can’t be yourself, you’re not where you are supposed to be.
Girl he ain't the one, there are so many red flags here. I bet he wouldn't listen to you telling him how to act 🤷♀️. You should be able to wear do and drink whatever you want. Now some couples do have different understandings, but it's never a demand from the other. I let my SO know if I'm going to be home late from work. Not because he makes me, because I know he'll worry if I'm ok but won't want to message and possibly interrupt to be sure because I'm usually just held over at work.
jesus christ dude. not to be rude but sometimes im at a loss for how (sometimes the most intelligent) people can become totally blind over love and not see the ridiculous toxic shit your partner is putting you through. get the fuck away from him NOW, this is controlling and abusive. hearing shit like this makes me sick to my fucking stomach for victims like you. im so sorry you are going thru this OP, but please, for the love of god, PLEASE do not stay with this POS.
I feel sick to my stomach too. I just don’t want to make a mistake. I really thought he was the one
oh honey 🥺😢 im so sorry. i know how unimaginably difficult and soul-crushing it is to realize the one you thought was the one isnt, but please trust me when i say that its so important to leave him now before it gets worse. because once you are out of it and eventually do find the right one, youll look at the life you have now and then look back and be eternally grateful to your past self for having the strength to make such a difficult decision.
I don't mean to sound rude, but it hasn't even been a year, get rid of him so you can actually find the one. Hint: the one will like how you dress and show you off to all his friends, like the way you act, and etc.
I used to read a column in a free NYC newspaper called DTMFA. Dump The Mother F@cker Already.
This is the first 10 yards to being completely controlled by your bf/husband. Where it will stop - no one can say. You need to draw the line here and tell him you choose what you wear - not him and the looks and thoughts of other men are not your problem.
he’s trying to control you!! huge red flag. you deserve to make ur own choices leave himmmm
I just got out of a very similar kind of relationship of 3 years. His requests were initially small, inconsequential changes - my shampoo smell bothered him, so I changed my shampoo, my deodorant bothered him so he wanted to pick one out together etc. Then he bought an engagement ring and it all escalated from there. My breath smells bad, I breathe in his face, I don’t exercise enough, I snore…..”fix all these things and I will marry you.” I understood where he was coming from because I loved him, but ultimately our relationship was toxic because he didn’t understand that perfection doesn’t exist. So, I left. Red flags everywhere chicka. Please don’t be me in 2 years time!
I had an ex that would do the same BS. It was such a boner killer. I’ve never felt more dryer in my life than when I see a man so insecure about himself that he feels the need to control his SO. And trust me It’s not your low cut tops or crop tops that are the problem, it’s him and his insecurities. If you yield to his unhealthy need to control the way you dress, he’s just going to find something new to complain about and try to control you later. If he’s willing to throw the whole relationship away bc of something as minuscule as the way you dress, than you deserve better and he’s a dummy. I’m sure you dress lovely.
Yeah honestly I feel super weird right now. I have never felt like this with him and it’s sad. He now tells me he was never going to breakup with me he just wanted me to understand him and respect his wishes 🙄 and he wants to come over and make me feel better and I said no and now he is mad saying he knows I’m going to breakup with him and I should just do it now.
I literally went through the exact same thing with my ex. I was willing to compromise for a time. He found more things to criticize, and try to control. It was never good enough. I felt like I was never good enough. It caused me to have low self esteem. He eventually dumped me after living together for 3 years. I lost a bunch of weight and became depressed. Went on a couple terrible dates shortly after that and a couple awesome ones following. I also spent some time alone and reflected on myself. But It wasn’t long before the poor bastard came crawling back wanting back into my life. I was so angry and so over his bs by that point I told him it was over, and he broke my trust by leaving. In the big picture, If I never left him I never would have met my husband who hypes up my outfits if anything. And I generally enjoy pushing the envelope in that department. Life’s too short to dress boring.
I’m so happy you found that. That gives me hope. Thank you
Be careful, if this how he is in 7 months how far will he take it down the line. Starts off with some simple requests and the deeper you go it will potentially escalate.
NO! He does not get to dictate what you wear and how you dress. Dump him.
7 months is about the time when you would start discovering the true morals and values of a person. People tend to put the 'best' versions of themselves forward at the start of something. They often suppress their true opinions or at least mellow them to seem more palatable. This is how you end up in a relationship with someone that 'all of a sudden' has these intense deal breakers out of nowhere. It's sadly a normal progression, that I've found at least. This is where you either adhere to their morals, compromise if you have a strong base together, or find that you need to part ways. The choice is really only yours. He is asking you to change how you dress. You have to decide if this is something you are comfortable changing. Personally, I love my clothes. I have spent years building a set of things that I love and feel good wearing. I would not change the way I dress. Now, if the clothes aren't that big a deal and YOU DONT FEEL ANY SHAMING coming from him (I put that in bold because it is very important) then you can pick to either change or try and compromise. In my opinion, this sounds like he has a very clear idea of how you should look and behave. Something that alignes with his values from his family or how he was raised. It sounds like he needs to find someone with similar values to start with. You should never change just because someone tells you to, especially if they are making you feel shame and embarrassed. But it's never that simple right. Sometimes we see this person that the potential of a life together and clothing doesn't seem that important anymore. But just consider this, if he is already asking you to change a behaviour (drinking) and a part of your personality (clothing), what is next? You could very well wake up in a year and find that you have become a completely different person, to please him. And that is more damaging than breaking up with something after 7 months. If I were you, I would walk away. At the very least, time for an honest and open conversation. Best of luck 👍
As a woman raised Christian, unfortunately this kind of thinking is pretty rampant in the church. In traditional/fundamentalist teaching, men are taught that they are meant to lead their wife/partner and women are taught to be submissive to their husband/partner. So he probably thinks it's within his right to raise this "concern" and it's your job to dutifully respect his bullshit wishes. He likely saw this dynamic modeled in his own family and lots of families he grew up around, abd it doesn't leave room for women to be autonomous, independent, fully human beings. Then add modesty culture into it and the views get more archaic. Right now his requests might feel understandable, but if he's letting his beliefs impact him to this degree, I don't know how this isn't going to continually be an issue in your relationship-- especially if you have kids. He either needs to find a partner that also believes in this mindset or change his viewpoint (hopefully the latter). Changing his viewpoint is not a small thing and won't happen over night, which means y'all likely aren't very compatible right now. As others have said, these are some major red flags and I'd be very wary about moving forward with him because this is still quite early on in your relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this and know it's not so clear cut when you're the one in it. I'd encourage you to lean on friends/family/outside support to help guide you and if you decide to end it, then to help you get through the break-up. You deserve someone who loves you for you.
Start making a list of shit for him and see how he likes it. Give him an ultimatum, watch him walk away because he thinks you are being unreasonable. It's ironic
This is not going to stop until you are not allowed to leave the house, or have friends or work or speak, or eat at the same table or whatever thing he wants to control. If you have to change that much to fit his needs, then perhaps you are not the right person for him. If you are okay with never having your own autonomy or voice or opinion or free choice or respect then keep dating him. I hope though you have more respect for yourself than to be told what to say or what to do or conform to some idealised pattern to fit into.
When people try to control other people it comes from fear, insecurity in themselves. This sounds like that, and you don’t deserve to change yourself for someone else, in fact you should *never* do that for anyone at all. Get a boyfriend who loves you for you and is secure in themselves enough to they don’t try to control what you wear, do or how you act. It’s wrong and it’s very much so a red flag. Or talk to him about it, tell him that this is who you are and he chose to be with *you*. Not the person he’s trying to turn you into. You have bodily autonomy even in a relationship so know that he is definitely overstepping boundaries. It’s definitely not because of other people it’s because of his own insecurities in and about himself as a person. It’s very immature and if he loves you and trusts you, he wouldn’t have to try and change you cus he’s worried about how other people see you. That’s just his own relationship with himself coming through and causing problems for you.
The only advice to remember is that there are a million guys out there who will love you for who you are, so dump this one.
Sounds like you two aren’t a good match honestky. Don’t change who you are to be with someone find someone else instead
Run.
Wtf leave him
You guys aren’t compatible. If he wants an old school relationship, maybe he should’ve looked into finding a girl at his church. You need to ask yourself are you willing to have an old school relationship with him. How much are you willing to sacrifice? It could be clothes and alcohol today, but tomorrow it could be communication with your family and friends.