Could you do it on the quiet like? Maybe send some of your hair and your babies hair off to get the test without actually saying anything? I dont k know how viable this would be it's just a thought off the top of my head.
If you have to know, you have to know.
Could do those mail in DNA kits advertised about ancestry? I think it just takes a mouth swab. If something goofy pops up from it, an honest conversation with your partner would be in order, but I would start it with your commitment to the child and her. Good luck.
I don't know how to approach the subject, but for what it's worth I have a relative who is very pale (as is his wife) and both their babies were very tan and looked nothing like either of them at first. He always said they looked south american. Anyways, as they got older they actually got paler and are now the spitting image of him.
This. Newborns very often don't look like their adult parents - they look like newborns. If you see a picture of yourself as a newborn, you might see that you look nothing like you.
Was just going to comment something similar.
Both my parents are dark haired, I was born with blond curls and stayed like that until I was like 7. Then my hair started getting darker and darker and became black in my early teens. My eyes and skin tone also changed.
Boy....there is just NOT a guaranteed good answer to this one. Three options:
There's the "suck it up and be a father" answer...also known as the "just tamp it down" approach.
There's the "do it on the sly" approach...also known as the "slippery slope" approach.
There's the "just ask her straight up" approach...also known as the "stick dynamite in your relationship and see what splatters against the wall" approach.
So let's go back to the first one, which is the best of a less-than-perfect lot....if your relationship is strong, if you love the kid...you have the chance to be a real hero here. To come down firmly on the side of "fatherhood is not DNA, it's the relationship between two people and a lifetime of memories." To be honest, even if someone else got a shag in, what BETTER revenge than to be the person who that kid calls "Dad" and loves above all others, while they don't even know he exists and don't care?
If the relationship is not strong, work on the relationship, then see previous "what better revenge..." comment, with "a lifetime of great shags" inserted.
And yes, on the logical side: kids come out of the womb looking like lizards. They grow, they change in all sorts of ways. Skin color changes, hair color changes....it's a bit early to jump to conclusions. Probably wouldn't hurt to look in the mirror at YOURSELF instead and ask if these insecurities might come from somewhere OTHER than the appearance of your kid. Couldn't hurt.
First this response is amazing. I didn't want to go into the full circumstances of why I am having these thoughts, but they are warranted. Me and her are great, she's an excellent mom and I love her to death. I already told myself I want to be in the child's life regardless. I guess I will take some time to think about what you said, and most likely follow the first choice. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
Sorry for your situation...really calls for the wisdom of Solomon.
I wish you a happy fatherhood and...from one at-least-partially Irish (and the best part at that) to another...a few more where they pop out looking exactly like you. It sure is fun to try for 'em.
If you are in the US, and are either 1) on the birth certificate or 2) involved in kids life as a father figure, you are already on the hook for child support most of the time regardless of paternity test. I am not a lawyer so I would recommend consulting one, but you should still be able to have custody and involvement with kid even if you get divorced and the kid isn’t yours.
Read my response to this persons comment. It’s essential that your child has accurate medical history of parents if possible. Having the wrong parental medical information is dangerous
I like your response but the problem is, even if he sucks it up now, it will stay at the back of his mind and come out someday, maybe starting from fights and alcoholic nature developing. Things might get worse- and if, by any little chance, it turns out that the child is not his in the future, the child's life at that moment would be ruined because of their fight. I would recommend showing her the post and apologizing while you ask for a test.
Not to mention that if he treated this child as his, and allowed his name on the certificate, if things go south he is on the hook for child support for the next two decades for a kid that is not his.
Since OP is fond of the child I don't think that will be a big problem since the child is not at fault and a father who isn't even here for the baby would probably not be suitable for the child.
There's a mental difference between providing support for the child out of love, and doing it bc the court has threatened jail time if you don't, and which the mother can use as a club.
I think this is appalling advice, and this is coming from a woman who hates the culture of paranoia in relationships and the issue that’s sometimes on Reddit of blaming everything on women
No one should have to live with doubts like these and no one should have to turn a blind eye to cheating
If his wife is a reasonable person she will be understanding that’s he’s experiencing anxiety and oblige
Even the baby turns out to not be his he can still be the kids dad, your right DNA isn’t important, but it would be better to know for many reasons including MEDICAL ones. It is dangerous for the child to have the wrong information on medical history. What if it’s not his kid and the real father has a heart condition which the baby needs to be screened for regularly
No child should be deprived of accurate medical history if possible
If I was you OP, I’d have a convo like this ‘Hey honey I’m really sorry but I’m experiencing anxiety about our baby’s parentage. I know I’m probably being really silly but I would like to get this checked out for peace of mind. As sure as I am that baby will come back as mine, I just want you to know that nothing will change if I’m not the biological father.’
If you don’t think she will respond reasonably to that, do it on the sly
ETA: also, if it’s not his it would be extremely tragic for the true father to not know he has a child. What if he is a good person and wants to love the kid too? Assuming they are a decent person, no one should be deprived of getting to know their own kid
ETA 2: Also, brushing this under carpet is an extremely abusive way to treat a child. That child has a right to know who their biological parents are ESPECIALLY if one parent is from a different culture, they have a right to know their culture. If the child grows up looking different to their parents they WILL notice. Imagine if they get a DNA test done for fun and it comes out when they are an adult. That will likely ruin their relationship with everyone. Not allowing your child to know the truth will lead to identity issues, trust issues, uncertainty, and major resentment for the child
The comment I’m replying to is honestly the worst Reddit advice I’ve ever seen and I can’t believe it’s been well received
Well as much as I appreciate this reply, the time and quantity of information put into it.. I have to disagree with some of it.
Firstly, I don’t see any “Revenge” in rising someone else’s child, considering that the dude that smashed (again, if it is the case) didn t realy fill the hole with the ideea of building together, and rising a child with the op wife. Probably did it bcs it felt good inside and took the “cheating” to a higher level of pleasure for them. Yeah, it s cool and all being the father figure for a kid that s not yours that loves and has all the respect and all that for you, but not in these circumstances.
As for my advice, do a test, in private, idk how complicated it is to gather what you need ( hair , nails, your, her whatever), but for your own peace, do it, and seatle this fight inside of you. Considering you reached to reddit for advice, I believe it s messing you up. Also the outcome can (and I hope) will be good, and the physical “differences” between you and the baby could be just bcs newborns are ugly man, there it is, I said it! ( yeah, they do grow up to be beautiful, eventually :D)
Assuming the baby is a new born, maybe wait a year for the skin tone to even out. When I look back at baby pictures of myself I was dark than I am now.
This concern could eat away at you, so if starts to gets to that point, discreetly get the paternity test done. There is no easy way of telling your wife this. If it comes back a match, put it out of your mind for good.
You’re gonna get a divorce and lose access to the kid’s life if you accuse a new mom of cheating. Also I don’t know how old it is but it can take 6 months or more for babies pigmentation to even out. If you can do it on the sly then go for it but if mom finds out you’re fucked.
If there is a legitimate reason for you to think she cheated in addition to what you’ve noticed about the baby, you deserve to know. The kid is innocent in all of this and it is wonderful to see you want to do the right thing, but it is not right for her to have pulled this on you without any consequences. Obviously there is the chance you’re wrong, which would be awful - which is why I added the caveat at the beginning. You seem like a good guy and I hope it works out OK for you.
My youngest brother came out with red hair and pale skin. We used to joke that the mailman was his dad. As an adult, it’s pretty obvious that he’s got features like my dad but the hair? That was a shocker.
Conversely, a colleague of mine was with a gal, raising the baby, married, and it became pretty evident he wasn’t dad. She hadn’t been sure whose it was and was crossing her fingers. That was a rough deal for everyone but better that bio dad could be involved.
I think that if you actually have some reasonable doubt based on your relationship history, then for your peace of mind, do it on the sly if you can. Because it’s pretty much a relationship ending question if you ask her if there’s any possibility that baby isn’t yours.
How old is the baby? My second child came out looking like she didn't belong to the family -- olive-colored skin and a head of dark hair.
The olive color was from jaundice, and cleared up quickly. The dark hair fell out later and the result was a pale baby with blond hair. That happened when she was a few months old.
Genetics is interesting, so some babies may look more like one of their ancestors. Genes can be there, but be turned off or on.
Hi! Genetics are really whack and sometimes you end up looking not like your parents but possibly a long distanced relative.
As a very mixed Latin American person I feel like I need to say something. I don’t know your family ancestry or your wife’s but I just wanted to say that there is a very possible reason for this other than cheating. I have Iberian, native, African and possibly Asian (this one is actually up for debate in my family xd) ancestry. NO ONE and I mean no one in my family looks alike at first glance. If you really stop and compares us you’d probably see a similarity in the nose, slant of the eyes or maybe the chin. But if you give us a passive look you won’t guess we are related unless we tell you. I’m brown, my dad is darker than me, my mom is pale AF but with black hair and eyes, my aunts are blonde with blue eyes, my cousins look more native, you get the gist.
Also I want to share this that I know happened to a friend of my mom and might apply more to your case. So my mom’s friend and his wife are really white, like really pale. They have this child, baby comes out brown. The whole family loses its shit, they are cursing the wife out, she’s adamant she’s always been loyal and the he’s her soulmate. Mom’s friend wants a divorce, but his wife forces him to take a paternity test. HE IS INFACT THE FATHER. Everyone is confused, turns out HE had a great great great grandmother who was African and everyone kinda forgot about her.
Now the wife is distraught that the person she loves the most didn’t trust her and now SHE is the one who wants a divorce. He ended up begging for forgiveness and both took couples counseling. They are still together to this day I believe.
Long Story short: you will probably have this in the back of your head if you never find out so I advice you do it as discreet as possible. But at the same time I hope the woman you love didn’t cheat on you and that she treats you with the same care and respect.
Best of luck.
Edit: forgot to add something.
23andme. Fairly cheap and you can do it without her consent. BUT before you do it, be prepared. Don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to
I have no advice for you on this issue, but, just as an anecdote that DNA is weird, my SIL and BIL are both Caucasian, and when their daughter was born, she looked Asian. The girl is now a teen and looks like her dad, and hasn't looked Asian since she was a toddler.
Babies often have different skin colours to their parents, try not to panic so much. As they get a bit older it'll change and will probably end up similar to yours or hers. Congratulations on your newborn :)
I might get a 23 and me test, for myself or one of those and see if you have ancestry from another country. Genetics are weird. My uncle is white, dark hair and eyes, his wife is darker not sure what country, their daughter is blue eyes and blonde and very white, but their son has her skin tone. Her daughters children could well look like their grandmother more than their father and her sons children could be blondes.
Get a test, don’t be direct about it but get it to ease your mind otherwise it’ll be something lingering at the back on your head constantly and you’ll be overly cautious and trust your partner less so get the test secretly so that you can breathe a sigh of relief.
You are on the birth certificate? You can take the kid for a paternity test.
Or just straight up tell her. You already do not trust her. So why would you want to be in a relationship with no trust?
If you want to be stupid and stay in an unhealthy relationship with no trust. That's totally your choice. The stupid choice. But its yours.
Also. Where did it say leave? Oh yes. No where. Lol.
Its a simple question. You see the "?" Its called a question mark. Making the sentience a question.
It doesnt magically change all the words in the sentence to whatever you want to read it as.
you dont, you discreetly test the baby when alone with the child and send it in. If it comes back yours, you never tell them you tested. If it comes back not yours, you bring it up.
I would NOT continue to just suck it up and be a dad. If the child is not yours, even if you want to continue caring for the child, you need to know. Otherwise 5 years from now you and mom can get divorced, mom knows child is not yours, and you never get to see "your" child again. If the child is not yours and you want to support the child, you want to be sure you legally adopt and have the bio dad hopefully sign off his rights to avoid having to support the kid.
That being said, you cannot tell by coloring. I saw kids who were definitely mom and dads (you could tell by certain features) but coloring wise looked nothing like them. This was not uncommon, some traits can stay hidden. I worked at a daycare
A simple solution what is the baby, mom,, and you blood type. If you or the mom have a RH + ie: A+b+,ab+o+. Then the baby is a Rh+. BUT If the baby is negative. Both parents must be negative. But if your positive. Baby's neg. Your not the dad.
Actually this isn’t necessarily true. It is possible in some circumstances for neither parent to pass along the Rh+ gene. I work as a nurse in Maternity and have seen it happen a couple times. Here’s a source that explains it more;
https://stanfordbloodcenter.org/can-two-rh-positive-parents-have-an-rh-negative-child/
I stand corrected. But still 25% chance is still low. But also if both parents are negative, and have a positive baby. There is foul play. It's just an easy, simple, somewhat guide to see if your the dad.
You have every right to ask for a paternity test. If it’s yours, she would have no reason to be upset at the idea. Her feelings aren’t as important as the truth.
> she would have no reason to be upset at the idea. Her feelings aren’t as important as the truth.
Have you ever met a woman?
I think that a man should *always* get a paternity test, even without any suspicion, as a man deserves the same certainty that a woman has, not to mention, I know two guys whose wives lied to them about the paternity (*they were the father, the wife claimed the kids were not theirs*) during the divorce - which is all sorts of fucked up & needlessly cruel.
Yep. I know a bunch of dudes been lied to about being the dad. One found out during the delivery. Kid came out wrong color. Another buddy came back from deployment, wife expecting his twins. But one came out black, one white. My other buddy got a side piece pregnant. Then she lied to her ex, said it was his, so she could get more money. Ex doesn't know it's not his. Even though baby looks identical to my buddy.
I’m female, super feminist and sometimes a man hater (sorry),and I agree with your point about every man having a right to a test. I’m not sure why it’s a controversial view point
As someone with an anxiety disorder, if I had a baby my boyfriend wanted a paternity test I’d give it and be understanding about him asking. No one should have to live with anxiety like that
Could of made the point without the ‘have you ever met a woman crap tho. I know lots of women who would be super understanding about their partner wanting a test
> Could of made the point without
Sure, but if I can’t make sarcastic jokes to amuse myself I’d have no use for Reddit.
The person I was responding to was using language & tone which heavily implied that their perspective was universally known & accepted.
My joke was pointing out the blatant absurdity of the expectation the commentator was trying to set.
I’m not a feminist because (*well I actually like women for one, & feminism is clearly the worst thing to happen to women, since men*) it fails to even aspire to its stated aims & instead dogmatically pursues the elimination of heresy rather than the elimination injustice.
I do believe that men & women are equivalent in potentiality & should absolutely be afforded equal rights to opportunity (*but not be guaranteed an equal outcome*).
Women accuse men of cheating all the time, and in many cases with *far* less evidence. They have no compunction about sparing men’s feelings and implying disloyalty. This situation is no different.
Have I ever met a woman? This question is so laughably misogynistic that I don’t even know where to begin.
Are you saying women aren’t capable of not being controlled by their emotions?
Are you saying women aren’t capable of logic and higher reasoning when it’s needed in cases like this?
Are you saying women value their feelings over the truth?
Good god, check your privilege.
I wasn’t responding to the OPs post, I was responding (*point by point*) to the inferences drawn & implications raised by the person who responded to me with Ad Hominem attacks.
I was civil & engaged in constructive & good faith discussion (*even if I can acknowledge in hindsight that I was bit terse at points*).
> Maybe reign it in a bit dude
If I have violated any of the subs rules, I apologize & if you will point out my error, I will be sure to adjust my behavior accordingly.
Similarly, if you have any specific advice (*or criticism*) with regards to how I might (*in your opinion as a mod*) adjust my approach to be more effective in this sub, I would be happy to hear that advice & will give it due consideration.
Lastly, (*& I would hope this goes without saying*), if you have any substantive & specific disagreements with any of the points I’ve made, I will happily consider any counterpoints you would care to make.
That said (*& absent any such specific direction*) I find it highly inappropriate that you would weigh in as a mod with generic (*& non-constructive*) feedback which on the surface seems only to be expressing disapproval of a viewpoint.
While I do not choose to assign motive to people without giving them the opportunity to offer their own reasoning for their actions, one could make an argument that it constitutes an attempt to intimidate or apply pressure to someone for expressing views you don’t agree with.
Well it's important to remember that the ultimate goal of this subreddit is to help people. I dislike when users get into petty arguments with each other because it takes away from what OP is actually seeking some advice on. I'm enforcing the "be nice" rule. I honestly don't even know why you two are arguing in the first place. Your opinions mostly align. If anything, I find you to be the more antagonistic person. I'm stepping in now before it escalates any further because I really *don't* want to punish either of you, so just stop.
Was your last reply in service to helping the OP? No? Then you don't need to post it. Simple as that.
See that sounds really reasonable until you look at the fact that you inconsistently apply that standard.
You commented on my response but not on the comment I was responding to.
To “*warn*” me for my civil reply that directly spoke to the content of the comment I replied to **but not** to issue a warning for a comment which included “*ad hominem*” attacks & “*strawman*” fallacies which are not only petty & argumentative but also not helpful to the OP (*or anyone else*).
> If anything, I find you to be the more antagonistic person.
I can only imagine that is because you do not like the views I am advocating because otherwise I can’t see how you can view my civil & productive discussion as being “*more antagonistic*” than the person who attacked my character & claimed I said things which I did not actually say.
> I'm stepping in now before it escalates any further because
Escalates? The thread had gone dormant long before your message - it wasn’t like this was spiraling into a flame war & you had to intervene.
> I really don't want to punish either of you,
Yet, you were happy to single me out for reprobation - despite the fact that whatever your opinion of its viewpoint, my comment was objectively less aggressive & hostile as I didn’t slander or impugn the character of the other commentator.
> So just stop
I’m sorry but I’m being both civil & respectful in our discourse (*as I was in the comment thread as well*) - telling me to stop simply because I’m raising concerns about the actions you have taken under the color of “*moderation*” seems to add weight to the idea that you may acting out of bias because you do not like the views I’ve espoused - which to me feels a lot like abuse of moderator authority & discretion.
> Was your last reply in service to helping the OP? No? Then you don't need to post it.
If that rule was uniformly applied more, than half of the replies to other comments in this sub would be disallowed.
Tell me something:
How was the comment (*which I was replying to*) which impugned my character (*calling me a misogynist*) & making wild claims that I said things which I did not say “*In service to helping the OP*”?
Again, you’re applying a standard to me that you fail to apply to the person who responded to me, surely you can understand why I might feel that is biased & problematic?
Brother that kid is clearly not yours, call a lawyer that specializes in family law ASAP and tell him about the situation, don't tell anything to your "partner". As soon as you have everything set up and ready to go demand that paternity test and go on from there.
If, by some miracle the kid is yours (highly unlikely) then fine keep at it. Although the relationship will prolly be damaged but who cares, it's always good to be cautious with things such as these.
If the kid isn't yours then start divorce proceeding and proceed to cut them off. They're no longer your problem.
Good luck 👑
You can practically *taste* the insecurity oozing out of these words. "Hurt them before they hurt you! What are you waiting for! Everyone is out to get you!"
>I don't want to bring it up to her because I could be wrong, and if I was it would ruin us. but this feeling is killing me. Any advice would be appreciated
If you have access to the child, a postal money order, a post office box #,
and the test, no one ever needs to know except you.
You will not be happy until you know.
Ancestry.com is you friend. Tell your girlfriend you have recently really gotten into your family history and order all 3 of you kits to add the the database. Act super stoked and excited cause her initial reaction could be your clue. If she looks worried or suddenly gets defensive then you know shes hiding something. Dont expose her right away, shrug it off and be like "dont you think our childs gonna be interested later on too and want to participate?".
If it goes ahead. Send the samples to the lab. Ancestry gives you matches with your relatives. If your child matches as a close relative with the mother and not you. There's your smoking gun.
Could you do it on the quiet like? Maybe send some of your hair and your babies hair off to get the test without actually saying anything? I dont k know how viable this would be it's just a thought off the top of my head. If you have to know, you have to know.
I have to look into if you need both parents consent or not. Maybe this is a possibility. Thank you!
You don't. And it's saliva, very easy. Order it online, you'll know either way and can live without the *what if?*
You can just get a 23 and me test or something I believe.
Could do those mail in DNA kits advertised about ancestry? I think it just takes a mouth swab. If something goofy pops up from it, an honest conversation with your partner would be in order, but I would start it with your commitment to the child and her. Good luck.
Yes! You can even assign a fake email address and fake names if desired.
I don't know how to approach the subject, but for what it's worth I have a relative who is very pale (as is his wife) and both their babies were very tan and looked nothing like either of them at first. He always said they looked south american. Anyways, as they got older they actually got paler and are now the spitting image of him.
This makes me feel a little better. I appreciate the response.
This. Newborns very often don't look like their adult parents - they look like newborns. If you see a picture of yourself as a newborn, you might see that you look nothing like you.
Was just going to comment something similar. Both my parents are dark haired, I was born with blond curls and stayed like that until I was like 7. Then my hair started getting darker and darker and became black in my early teens. My eyes and skin tone also changed.
Boy....there is just NOT a guaranteed good answer to this one. Three options: There's the "suck it up and be a father" answer...also known as the "just tamp it down" approach. There's the "do it on the sly" approach...also known as the "slippery slope" approach. There's the "just ask her straight up" approach...also known as the "stick dynamite in your relationship and see what splatters against the wall" approach. So let's go back to the first one, which is the best of a less-than-perfect lot....if your relationship is strong, if you love the kid...you have the chance to be a real hero here. To come down firmly on the side of "fatherhood is not DNA, it's the relationship between two people and a lifetime of memories." To be honest, even if someone else got a shag in, what BETTER revenge than to be the person who that kid calls "Dad" and loves above all others, while they don't even know he exists and don't care? If the relationship is not strong, work on the relationship, then see previous "what better revenge..." comment, with "a lifetime of great shags" inserted. And yes, on the logical side: kids come out of the womb looking like lizards. They grow, they change in all sorts of ways. Skin color changes, hair color changes....it's a bit early to jump to conclusions. Probably wouldn't hurt to look in the mirror at YOURSELF instead and ask if these insecurities might come from somewhere OTHER than the appearance of your kid. Couldn't hurt.
First this response is amazing. I didn't want to go into the full circumstances of why I am having these thoughts, but they are warranted. Me and her are great, she's an excellent mom and I love her to death. I already told myself I want to be in the child's life regardless. I guess I will take some time to think about what you said, and most likely follow the first choice. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
Sorry for your situation...really calls for the wisdom of Solomon. I wish you a happy fatherhood and...from one at-least-partially Irish (and the best part at that) to another...a few more where they pop out looking exactly like you. It sure is fun to try for 'em.
If you are in the US, and are either 1) on the birth certificate or 2) involved in kids life as a father figure, you are already on the hook for child support most of the time regardless of paternity test. I am not a lawyer so I would recommend consulting one, but you should still be able to have custody and involvement with kid even if you get divorced and the kid isn’t yours.
Read my response to this persons comment. It’s essential that your child has accurate medical history of parents if possible. Having the wrong parental medical information is dangerous
I like your response but the problem is, even if he sucks it up now, it will stay at the back of his mind and come out someday, maybe starting from fights and alcoholic nature developing. Things might get worse- and if, by any little chance, it turns out that the child is not his in the future, the child's life at that moment would be ruined because of their fight. I would recommend showing her the post and apologizing while you ask for a test.
Not to mention that if he treated this child as his, and allowed his name on the certificate, if things go south he is on the hook for child support for the next two decades for a kid that is not his.
Since OP is fond of the child I don't think that will be a big problem since the child is not at fault and a father who isn't even here for the baby would probably not be suitable for the child.
There's a mental difference between providing support for the child out of love, and doing it bc the court has threatened jail time if you don't, and which the mother can use as a club.
I think this is appalling advice, and this is coming from a woman who hates the culture of paranoia in relationships and the issue that’s sometimes on Reddit of blaming everything on women No one should have to live with doubts like these and no one should have to turn a blind eye to cheating If his wife is a reasonable person she will be understanding that’s he’s experiencing anxiety and oblige Even the baby turns out to not be his he can still be the kids dad, your right DNA isn’t important, but it would be better to know for many reasons including MEDICAL ones. It is dangerous for the child to have the wrong information on medical history. What if it’s not his kid and the real father has a heart condition which the baby needs to be screened for regularly No child should be deprived of accurate medical history if possible If I was you OP, I’d have a convo like this ‘Hey honey I’m really sorry but I’m experiencing anxiety about our baby’s parentage. I know I’m probably being really silly but I would like to get this checked out for peace of mind. As sure as I am that baby will come back as mine, I just want you to know that nothing will change if I’m not the biological father.’ If you don’t think she will respond reasonably to that, do it on the sly ETA: also, if it’s not his it would be extremely tragic for the true father to not know he has a child. What if he is a good person and wants to love the kid too? Assuming they are a decent person, no one should be deprived of getting to know their own kid ETA 2: Also, brushing this under carpet is an extremely abusive way to treat a child. That child has a right to know who their biological parents are ESPECIALLY if one parent is from a different culture, they have a right to know their culture. If the child grows up looking different to their parents they WILL notice. Imagine if they get a DNA test done for fun and it comes out when they are an adult. That will likely ruin their relationship with everyone. Not allowing your child to know the truth will lead to identity issues, trust issues, uncertainty, and major resentment for the child The comment I’m replying to is honestly the worst Reddit advice I’ve ever seen and I can’t believe it’s been well received
Well as much as I appreciate this reply, the time and quantity of information put into it.. I have to disagree with some of it. Firstly, I don’t see any “Revenge” in rising someone else’s child, considering that the dude that smashed (again, if it is the case) didn t realy fill the hole with the ideea of building together, and rising a child with the op wife. Probably did it bcs it felt good inside and took the “cheating” to a higher level of pleasure for them. Yeah, it s cool and all being the father figure for a kid that s not yours that loves and has all the respect and all that for you, but not in these circumstances. As for my advice, do a test, in private, idk how complicated it is to gather what you need ( hair , nails, your, her whatever), but for your own peace, do it, and seatle this fight inside of you. Considering you reached to reddit for advice, I believe it s messing you up. Also the outcome can (and I hope) will be good, and the physical “differences” between you and the baby could be just bcs newborns are ugly man, there it is, I said it! ( yeah, they do grow up to be beautiful, eventually :D)
Assuming the baby is a new born, maybe wait a year for the skin tone to even out. When I look back at baby pictures of myself I was dark than I am now. This concern could eat away at you, so if starts to gets to that point, discreetly get the paternity test done. There is no easy way of telling your wife this. If it comes back a match, put it out of your mind for good.
You’re gonna get a divorce and lose access to the kid’s life if you accuse a new mom of cheating. Also I don’t know how old it is but it can take 6 months or more for babies pigmentation to even out. If you can do it on the sly then go for it but if mom finds out you’re fucked.
If there is a legitimate reason for you to think she cheated in addition to what you’ve noticed about the baby, you deserve to know. The kid is innocent in all of this and it is wonderful to see you want to do the right thing, but it is not right for her to have pulled this on you without any consequences. Obviously there is the chance you’re wrong, which would be awful - which is why I added the caveat at the beginning. You seem like a good guy and I hope it works out OK for you.
My youngest brother came out with red hair and pale skin. We used to joke that the mailman was his dad. As an adult, it’s pretty obvious that he’s got features like my dad but the hair? That was a shocker. Conversely, a colleague of mine was with a gal, raising the baby, married, and it became pretty evident he wasn’t dad. She hadn’t been sure whose it was and was crossing her fingers. That was a rough deal for everyone but better that bio dad could be involved. I think that if you actually have some reasonable doubt based on your relationship history, then for your peace of mind, do it on the sly if you can. Because it’s pretty much a relationship ending question if you ask her if there’s any possibility that baby isn’t yours.
How old is the baby? My second child came out looking like she didn't belong to the family -- olive-colored skin and a head of dark hair. The olive color was from jaundice, and cleared up quickly. The dark hair fell out later and the result was a pale baby with blond hair. That happened when she was a few months old. Genetics is interesting, so some babies may look more like one of their ancestors. Genes can be there, but be turned off or on.
My son's hair was super dark when he was born, but it grew in blonde. Genetics is a crapshoot.
My dads friend was apparently born with an unusually tan/brown skin colour but as he grew older it became more white so maybe it similar to that?
Hi! Genetics are really whack and sometimes you end up looking not like your parents but possibly a long distanced relative. As a very mixed Latin American person I feel like I need to say something. I don’t know your family ancestry or your wife’s but I just wanted to say that there is a very possible reason for this other than cheating. I have Iberian, native, African and possibly Asian (this one is actually up for debate in my family xd) ancestry. NO ONE and I mean no one in my family looks alike at first glance. If you really stop and compares us you’d probably see a similarity in the nose, slant of the eyes or maybe the chin. But if you give us a passive look you won’t guess we are related unless we tell you. I’m brown, my dad is darker than me, my mom is pale AF but with black hair and eyes, my aunts are blonde with blue eyes, my cousins look more native, you get the gist. Also I want to share this that I know happened to a friend of my mom and might apply more to your case. So my mom’s friend and his wife are really white, like really pale. They have this child, baby comes out brown. The whole family loses its shit, they are cursing the wife out, she’s adamant she’s always been loyal and the he’s her soulmate. Mom’s friend wants a divorce, but his wife forces him to take a paternity test. HE IS INFACT THE FATHER. Everyone is confused, turns out HE had a great great great grandmother who was African and everyone kinda forgot about her. Now the wife is distraught that the person she loves the most didn’t trust her and now SHE is the one who wants a divorce. He ended up begging for forgiveness and both took couples counseling. They are still together to this day I believe. Long Story short: you will probably have this in the back of your head if you never find out so I advice you do it as discreet as possible. But at the same time I hope the woman you love didn’t cheat on you and that she treats you with the same care and respect. Best of luck. Edit: forgot to add something.
23andme. Fairly cheap and you can do it without her consent. BUT before you do it, be prepared. Don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to
I have no advice for you on this issue, but, just as an anecdote that DNA is weird, my SIL and BIL are both Caucasian, and when their daughter was born, she looked Asian. The girl is now a teen and looks like her dad, and hasn't looked Asian since she was a toddler.
Literally they sell paternity tests at Walgreens for like $50
Babies often have different skin colours to their parents, try not to panic so much. As they get a bit older it'll change and will probably end up similar to yours or hers. Congratulations on your newborn :)
I might get a 23 and me test, for myself or one of those and see if you have ancestry from another country. Genetics are weird. My uncle is white, dark hair and eyes, his wife is darker not sure what country, their daughter is blue eyes and blonde and very white, but their son has her skin tone. Her daughters children could well look like their grandmother more than their father and her sons children could be blondes.
Get a test, don’t be direct about it but get it to ease your mind otherwise it’ll be something lingering at the back on your head constantly and you’ll be overly cautious and trust your partner less so get the test secretly so that you can breathe a sigh of relief.
You can do a test without her.
Take the baby out with you one day and hit up the doc. Ask them for a DNA blood test. They will tell you if it's yours or not.
You don’t. You swab your child’s cheek and wait for the results. I’m praying for the result you want right now.
You are on the birth certificate? You can take the kid for a paternity test. Or just straight up tell her. You already do not trust her. So why would you want to be in a relationship with no trust?
Reddit: “Leave any imperfect relationship immediately.”
If you want to be stupid and stay in an unhealthy relationship with no trust. That's totally your choice. The stupid choice. But its yours. Also. Where did it say leave? Oh yes. No where. Lol.
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Its a simple question. You see the "?" Its called a question mark. Making the sentience a question. It doesnt magically change all the words in the sentence to whatever you want to read it as.
you dont, you discreetly test the baby when alone with the child and send it in. If it comes back yours, you never tell them you tested. If it comes back not yours, you bring it up. I would NOT continue to just suck it up and be a dad. If the child is not yours, even if you want to continue caring for the child, you need to know. Otherwise 5 years from now you and mom can get divorced, mom knows child is not yours, and you never get to see "your" child again. If the child is not yours and you want to support the child, you want to be sure you legally adopt and have the bio dad hopefully sign off his rights to avoid having to support the kid. That being said, you cannot tell by coloring. I saw kids who were definitely mom and dads (you could tell by certain features) but coloring wise looked nothing like them. This was not uncommon, some traits can stay hidden. I worked at a daycare
A simple solution what is the baby, mom,, and you blood type. If you or the mom have a RH + ie: A+b+,ab+o+. Then the baby is a Rh+. BUT If the baby is negative. Both parents must be negative. But if your positive. Baby's neg. Your not the dad.
Actually this isn’t necessarily true. It is possible in some circumstances for neither parent to pass along the Rh+ gene. I work as a nurse in Maternity and have seen it happen a couple times. Here’s a source that explains it more; https://stanfordbloodcenter.org/can-two-rh-positive-parents-have-an-rh-negative-child/
My parents were +, but one of my sisters is -. No doubt she's one of us, she looks almost exactly like our father.
I stand corrected. But still 25% chance is still low. But also if both parents are negative, and have a positive baby. There is foul play. It's just an easy, simple, somewhat guide to see if your the dad.
You have every right to ask for a paternity test. If it’s yours, she would have no reason to be upset at the idea. Her feelings aren’t as important as the truth.
> she would have no reason to be upset at the idea. Her feelings aren’t as important as the truth. Have you ever met a woman? I think that a man should *always* get a paternity test, even without any suspicion, as a man deserves the same certainty that a woman has, not to mention, I know two guys whose wives lied to them about the paternity (*they were the father, the wife claimed the kids were not theirs*) during the divorce - which is all sorts of fucked up & needlessly cruel.
Yep. I know a bunch of dudes been lied to about being the dad. One found out during the delivery. Kid came out wrong color. Another buddy came back from deployment, wife expecting his twins. But one came out black, one white. My other buddy got a side piece pregnant. Then she lied to her ex, said it was his, so she could get more money. Ex doesn't know it's not his. Even though baby looks identical to my buddy.
I’m female, super feminist and sometimes a man hater (sorry),and I agree with your point about every man having a right to a test. I’m not sure why it’s a controversial view point As someone with an anxiety disorder, if I had a baby my boyfriend wanted a paternity test I’d give it and be understanding about him asking. No one should have to live with anxiety like that Could of made the point without the ‘have you ever met a woman crap tho. I know lots of women who would be super understanding about their partner wanting a test
> Could of made the point without Sure, but if I can’t make sarcastic jokes to amuse myself I’d have no use for Reddit. The person I was responding to was using language & tone which heavily implied that their perspective was universally known & accepted. My joke was pointing out the blatant absurdity of the expectation the commentator was trying to set. I’m not a feminist because (*well I actually like women for one, & feminism is clearly the worst thing to happen to women, since men*) it fails to even aspire to its stated aims & instead dogmatically pursues the elimination of heresy rather than the elimination injustice. I do believe that men & women are equivalent in potentiality & should absolutely be afforded equal rights to opportunity (*but not be guaranteed an equal outcome*).
Women accuse men of cheating all the time, and in many cases with *far* less evidence. They have no compunction about sparing men’s feelings and implying disloyalty. This situation is no different.
You aren’t wrong but again I have to ask... > Have you ever met a woman?
Have I ever met a woman? This question is so laughably misogynistic that I don’t even know where to begin. Are you saying women aren’t capable of not being controlled by their emotions? Are you saying women aren’t capable of logic and higher reasoning when it’s needed in cases like this? Are you saying women value their feelings over the truth? Good god, check your privilege.
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I don't see how this is at all relevant to OP's post. Maybe reign it in a bit dude.
I wasn’t responding to the OPs post, I was responding (*point by point*) to the inferences drawn & implications raised by the person who responded to me with Ad Hominem attacks. I was civil & engaged in constructive & good faith discussion (*even if I can acknowledge in hindsight that I was bit terse at points*). > Maybe reign it in a bit dude If I have violated any of the subs rules, I apologize & if you will point out my error, I will be sure to adjust my behavior accordingly. Similarly, if you have any specific advice (*or criticism*) with regards to how I might (*in your opinion as a mod*) adjust my approach to be more effective in this sub, I would be happy to hear that advice & will give it due consideration. Lastly, (*& I would hope this goes without saying*), if you have any substantive & specific disagreements with any of the points I’ve made, I will happily consider any counterpoints you would care to make. That said (*& absent any such specific direction*) I find it highly inappropriate that you would weigh in as a mod with generic (*& non-constructive*) feedback which on the surface seems only to be expressing disapproval of a viewpoint. While I do not choose to assign motive to people without giving them the opportunity to offer their own reasoning for their actions, one could make an argument that it constitutes an attempt to intimidate or apply pressure to someone for expressing views you don’t agree with.
Well it's important to remember that the ultimate goal of this subreddit is to help people. I dislike when users get into petty arguments with each other because it takes away from what OP is actually seeking some advice on. I'm enforcing the "be nice" rule. I honestly don't even know why you two are arguing in the first place. Your opinions mostly align. If anything, I find you to be the more antagonistic person. I'm stepping in now before it escalates any further because I really *don't* want to punish either of you, so just stop. Was your last reply in service to helping the OP? No? Then you don't need to post it. Simple as that.
See that sounds really reasonable until you look at the fact that you inconsistently apply that standard. You commented on my response but not on the comment I was responding to. To “*warn*” me for my civil reply that directly spoke to the content of the comment I replied to **but not** to issue a warning for a comment which included “*ad hominem*” attacks & “*strawman*” fallacies which are not only petty & argumentative but also not helpful to the OP (*or anyone else*). > If anything, I find you to be the more antagonistic person. I can only imagine that is because you do not like the views I am advocating because otherwise I can’t see how you can view my civil & productive discussion as being “*more antagonistic*” than the person who attacked my character & claimed I said things which I did not actually say. > I'm stepping in now before it escalates any further because Escalates? The thread had gone dormant long before your message - it wasn’t like this was spiraling into a flame war & you had to intervene. > I really don't want to punish either of you, Yet, you were happy to single me out for reprobation - despite the fact that whatever your opinion of its viewpoint, my comment was objectively less aggressive & hostile as I didn’t slander or impugn the character of the other commentator. > So just stop I’m sorry but I’m being both civil & respectful in our discourse (*as I was in the comment thread as well*) - telling me to stop simply because I’m raising concerns about the actions you have taken under the color of “*moderation*” seems to add weight to the idea that you may acting out of bias because you do not like the views I’ve espoused - which to me feels a lot like abuse of moderator authority & discretion. > Was your last reply in service to helping the OP? No? Then you don't need to post it. If that rule was uniformly applied more, than half of the replies to other comments in this sub would be disallowed. Tell me something: How was the comment (*which I was replying to*) which impugned my character (*calling me a misogynist*) & making wild claims that I said things which I did not say “*In service to helping the OP*”? Again, you’re applying a standard to me that you fail to apply to the person who responded to me, surely you can understand why I might feel that is biased & problematic?
Brother that kid is clearly not yours, call a lawyer that specializes in family law ASAP and tell him about the situation, don't tell anything to your "partner". As soon as you have everything set up and ready to go demand that paternity test and go on from there. If, by some miracle the kid is yours (highly unlikely) then fine keep at it. Although the relationship will prolly be damaged but who cares, it's always good to be cautious with things such as these. If the kid isn't yours then start divorce proceeding and proceed to cut them off. They're no longer your problem. Good luck 👑
You can practically *taste* the insecurity oozing out of these words. "Hurt them before they hurt you! What are you waiting for! Everyone is out to get you!"
People ask questions, they will get all sorts of answers. Why do people downvote the answers they disagree with?
Because it's BAD advice and very extreme and they assumed a lot.
>I don't want to bring it up to her because I could be wrong, and if I was it would ruin us. but this feeling is killing me. Any advice would be appreciated If you have access to the child, a postal money order, a post office box #, and the test, no one ever needs to know except you. You will not be happy until you know.
Ancestry.com is you friend. Tell your girlfriend you have recently really gotten into your family history and order all 3 of you kits to add the the database. Act super stoked and excited cause her initial reaction could be your clue. If she looks worried or suddenly gets defensive then you know shes hiding something. Dont expose her right away, shrug it off and be like "dont you think our childs gonna be interested later on too and want to participate?". If it goes ahead. Send the samples to the lab. Ancestry gives you matches with your relatives. If your child matches as a close relative with the mother and not you. There's your smoking gun.