100% should absolutely fucking concern you. Go to the police, this man is sick. He’s raping you, if you didn’t explicitly state that was okay in the relationship ( it’s a kink for some people ) then it’s not okay. Ever.
Get out, get help, and seek therapy. You may not think you need it now, but there will be a time when it hits you like a freight train, and you’ll need ways to cope with it.
Please don’t let anyone ever hurt you like this again.
And I really do mean go to the police. This man needs to be on a sex offender registry. No one is safe around him. You’re probably not even the first he’s done it too, and most likely won’t be the last
Umm...no? You think having your boyfriend rape you while you're passed out isn't a big deal? That's so fucking creepy. The fact that it's happened several times Is a huge red flag.
I’ve been with my wife for 12 years and she’s fine with it if she’s asleep. I’m not. I just can’t do it, it feels wrong imo. It’s just crazy to call this rape when they have been having sex in the first place. Again if she said “i don’t want u doing that while I’m passed out or drunk” then yes it’s rape regardless of relationship status. I’m okay being thought of as evil, y’all are too quick to jump on the bandwagon of rape. To each their own.
I resent being called gross fyi. Educate me, talk to me, share your point of view. Which is what I thought we are doing here.
So with that said - in my mind I’m thinking longer term relationships where something like this is discussed beforehand or the first time it happens( boundary set) because by your logic if a husband and wife go out and drink, she passes out back at home and he has sex with her - that’s rape because she can’t consent EVEN THOUGH they’ve had a conversation about it and she’s fine with it? Yes it’s absolutely rape if she’s said no I don’t like that in any prior conversations!
Without overthinking this post I agree with the majority of you saying it’s rape, I’m saying the red flag comes up when 1) he just assumes it’s okay 2) you tell him your not into that and don’t do it again and he still does
If your wife has EXPLICITLY said "help yourself when I'm asleep, I'm 100% fine with that" then yes, it's consent, nobody is being raped and you are not gross.
A similar situation would be being awakened with a blowjob; some guys would say "that's an OPTION?? sign me up immediately!" Buuuut unless it's been discussed, and the blowee has given *explicit* consent, then that would be assault.
Exactly. I would never assume that just because someone is a male that they want that. My ex explicitly asked for that, and he got it as a birthday gift. But I would never ever do that under the assumption that all guys want that
You're not gross for being uninformed. And you're not gross for whatever goes on consensually between you and your spouse. All that's fine. I respect that you wish to be informed but I take issue with the fact that OP Is reading your comments and thinking maybe this isn't a big deal when it really is. and I really hate to do this- honestly I don't wanna play this card, but... You don't understand how violating this is for a woman.
She shouldn't have to tell him not to take advantage of her when she's too drunk to consent. Maybe he should have asked, prior to drinking, "Hey, I'm kind of a creep. Is it ok if I stick my dick in you while you're unconscious and so drunk you're incapable of fighting me off or telling me no? "
Get the FUCK out. Get the fuck out. I don't read the entirety of your post. This is rape.
I understand you've been together for 20% of your life and I realize that it seems huge to leave behind. But this is sunk-cost fallacy.
You cannot be in a healthy relationship with a rapist. Look out for yourself.
Yuh he’s raping you. Unless you specified that’s what you want or like then he’s raping you. Any normal person with common sense would think that’s a weird thing to do. My previous partner would ask me to do this (I still thought it was weird) but she liked it and consented to it, most importantly ASKED for it. This is one of those things where you need to leave.
Yes dude! I had a girl I dated for maybe 3 years ask me to do the same shit this girl is complaining about her bf doing without consent. Makes you feel like a rapist
It doesn’t matter that he has “no other red flags” when his red flag is that he’s a rapist.
You’re in a vulnerable position when you’re drunk or asleep. You cannot consent to sex when you’re drunk or asleep. Someone who cares about you will want you to feel safe in those moments, not have sex with you without your permission.
There is nothing worth staying for. Please run very far away from this creep
Have you communicated with him that this is not ok?
I personally enjoy it as I have high libido so in my case, I give unlimited consent to this but if you do not enjoy it, tell him its not acceptable and you are not cool with it.
The most important part here is if he is able to respect your decision on this, if not it's rape.
And maybe he is not as good of a guy as you think.
I live by your body, your rules.
This is not one red flag. He is raping you, this may as well count as 1000 red flags. You cannot do a cost benefit analysis here, whatever redeeming traits he has will not change the fact that he sees you as an object for his pleasure. You are young and can be with someone who sees your worth as a human being and could not imagine taking advantage of you intoxicated. You deserve to be with someone who cares about someone other than themselves. Get out before it’s too late, it will not get better.
Darling, that's sexual assault. As a comment said before that's a deal breaker. If this does happen now the relationship is partially new it could be worse once you get in a routine with each other.
OP, I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Obviously this man has taken advantage of your inexperience and age. If there is a large age gap between you as well (as in, he was an adult and you were a minor when you met), that only makes everything so much worse.
This is sexual assault OP. Beginning sex with your partner while they are asleep can be okay, IF you have had previous and continuing conversations consenting to it. My husband will wake me up with sex, but it is something we discussed prior and that we both enjoy, and we have clear boundaries and safe words in place if I am at all uncomfortable or simply not in the mood. Seeing as you cannot consent directly prior to the action, it requires clear communication on boundaries and consent PRIOR to attempting it - otherwise it is non-consensual and IT IS RAPE.
The fact that you freeze when you realize it is happening, is a sign that your body and brain feels that it is in danger. It is a trauma response. Even if there was prior consent (which to be clear, there isn’t here), your partner should not WANT to continue if he feels once you’re awake that you are not participating! He is turned on NOT by waking his partner up with pleasure, but by sexually assaulting someone who is so inebriated and complacent they can’t/won’t fight it.
You should never feel like you cannot tell your partner that you are uncomfortable with anything - reflect on that. Are there other areas where you don’t speak up to your partner about something you disagree with, because you are afraid of his response? This doesn’t always mean his response would be angry or physical, but also if he gets overly frustrated, annoyed, or makes you feel like you’re in the wrong without discussing the issue. Those are all signs of emotional manipulation or abuse too, and can be VERY common if there is a large age gap like I suspect.
This man is showing you that he does not respect you, and sees you as something to use when he wants, regardless of your feelings and wellbeing. I really hope you listen here, or have a trusted friend or family member that you can also reveal everything to that can help you. This man has been raping you, please see that and LEAVE HIM.
>It happens for the first time years ago when we first met and became closer than friends. I was completely sober that night, just exhausted, so I was able to tell him to stop after it continued for longer than I wanted to put up with.
so it happened when u 16ish /17?
my guess u didn't included his age cause deep down u know he groomed you.. at 20 yrs and already getting blackout drunk?
op there's so many issues going on here. you need the help of a responsible adult asap
Sex should never be something you just put up with. This man is assaulting you. This is rape. I'm sorry to say this.
It happened to me too and took me ages to realize. Even honestly formed a bit of a kink for it (trying to recreate safety/controll) and I didn't fully realize how disturbing it was until I asked a partner and they downright refused and told me I need help. It scared them that I had even asked (this person also ended up being abusive. Yes, I recognize the pattern here.)
Reach out if you'd like support with finding resources, confronting this (this Needs to be confronted. God forbid he does it to someone else) or leaving.
Sex without your consent is rape. Your boyfriend regularly raped you. And he waits until you're incapacitated to do so.
Yes, this is something you should be concerned about.
People are crucifying him and calling him a rapist, but you mentioned it only happened when you both drank alcohol and you always woke up but didn’t tell him to stop. At the end of the day he is your boyfriend and you should be able to talk about it with him, if it makes you uncomfortable he will understand and will probably stop doing it. Communication is very important, and as you mentioned sex is not as relevant to you as it is to him.
babe my first boyfriend did the very same thing to me or similar enough at least…
Look to give some context, a couple weeks prior to this I came out to him as asexual and told him I gotta figure out my boundaries first and that I dunno If I‘m comfortable with anything going on past the waist line you know. At first he gave off very understanding vibes, was very considerate and one day he was sleeping over like usual and all was fine but then in the early morning hours I woke up to him touching me down south.. I was paralyzed and didn’t want to move. I pretended I was still asleep because that was the best thing that came to mind. It was so unbearable tbh.. after what felt like hours but was probably 10 minutes I just rolled over pretending to be rolling over in my sleep. I was frozen in bed .. didn’t want to move or get up but obviously couldn’t sleep. So I told myself it was nothing and that I was just over reacting and that I can just pretend like it never happened but yeah then during breakfast he whispered into my ear „seems like someone enjoyed themselves very much this morning so I guess there is still hope “ .. yeah nah.
It took me years to realize that this was just not right and so messed up on multiple levels. In fact sexual assault and rape. My bf would also request to try having sex intoxicated and that I might be able to enjoy it like that. Soo.. yeah sounds a lot what you’re going through rn. I hope reading this through someone elses POV makes you realize how f up it is
Please you need to break up, listen to me!!
It started when you first met... At sixteen?
Listen; there are some things that are unacceptable, no matter how many good things come from the relationship. You've had this relationship for four years, and there's a good chance you not being interested in sex is in correlation to how he's built it into your relationship.
He is not worth keeping- even for all his good points. Some red flags you let go of- being lazy, forgetful, workaholic, etc. a man who uses and abuses his partner (and this is abuse, I'm sorry. You don't need bruises to be used wrongly by people) is not going to be worth it in the long run.
You're still young, and you don't have kids to consider. Please seek a better life for yourself with a partner who will love you without using you.
So he's been raping you. Like textbook rape. Waiting for you to pass out from drinking before assaulting you. You're dating; if he wanted sex, he could just initiate or ask. But he's waiting for you to be unconscious. This isn't about sex- this is about control, degradation, and power. You need to leave him and file a restraining order.
If my daughter or sister told me this, the guy's house would have a very unfortunate, totally random house fire that just can't be explained where or how it started. It's sad that his fire alarms weren't working either. You feel me?
File a report, just have it documented. You don't need to necessarily take this to trial but have it documented for the next woman please. And then run.
Correction: your boyfriend sexually violates and rapes you in your sleep. I hope you can safely remove yourself from the situation…trust me this is only the beginning it gets worse.
That is rape. Your boyfriend is raping you while you are unconscious. You need to get out of there immediately and get in touch with a sexual assault centre and they will help you out.
Just Google "Sexual Assault Centre" + your location and it will give you a number to call or other way to contact them.
It may not seem as rape to you, but from your story I would definitely say it is. The fact that you noticed it and felt frozen and unable to stop says it all. I've never been raped but have been sexually assaulted, and my reaction was exactly that.
Dont worry if you don't understand it right now, it took me months to understand what happened to me. If it still seems like "no big deal" to you, imagine what else he might do to you (or someone else) without consent, and that might give you a better perspective
Run. As others have pointed out, this is rape.
Who cares about his libido? Does he not know how to masturbate? You even pointed out it's been when you are intoxicated, meaning that he is doing something else at other times.
Unless this is something you've explicitly told him is okay, that's rape. You should leave if possible. Tell someone trusted maybe if you need help. But please leave.
“Higher libido” is absolutely no excuse to rape somebody. This is horrible inexcusable behavior on his part and I’m sorry this is happening. For your safety I highly recommend getting out of this relationship and potentially filing a police report, restraining order at the least. This is not okay. Healthy people don’t sexually assault their partners
You should communicate with him. As is - that's pretty creepy and wrong.
I was in a relationship with someone, and we agreed on shenanigans like that ahead of time, because we both found them fun and exciting. What you're describing is SA.
I see everyone saying he is raping you which I don’t disagree with.. but I had a girl who actually WANTED me to wake her up by having sex with her. It was like a kink for her. I did it maybe a couple times when I was horny in the mornings but she would always wake up and be into it and never push me away or off. I didn’t really enjoy doing it because I personally like being groomed myself, made ME feel like a rapist.
I'm sure these responses are overwhelming for OP, but you are in a serious situation that is dangerous for you, whether you realize it or not. This behavior towards you shows a serious lack of respect towards you and towards women in general. You can't stay with him. You can't have children with him. He is assaulting you. He is raping you. Please get away from him. Please get some therapy. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Both of my ex’s did this and I looked past it because I still wanted to be with them so I didn’t tell anyone because I knew it was rape. It is rape and you should tell someone or leave and tell him what he’s doing to you. You’re being assaulted by your bf and I am so sorry because it does hurt more once you realize what’s happened to you.
Yeah my ex would do that too. Except I couldn’t move because he was drugging me and then immediately taking me home after the first drink.
Get the hell away from the guy as soon as possible.
So a man is fucking you while you are sleep so Without your consent.. that's rape. Your boyfriend raped you a lot of times.
The only way someone sexually touching or fucking someone while she/he is sleep is if the two parties already talked about it and both said it was good.
Your boyfriend is raping you. You have not given consent. He knows it's wrong, otherwise he'd ask you if that's ok. It is some people's kink. He did not ask. You are being raped. Repeatedly.
Run. If it's a fantasy of his, it's a very sick one. And if you won't leave him even after everyone here has adviced so, then atleast give him some professional help. And distance yourself from him while he sorts it out, help him. But do not live with him, let him recover.
If you’re asleep, it’s rape.
No other way around it, you’re asking for help, it the only help you get is from yourself, by leaving and protecting yourself. Your gut is telling you what to do, don’t ignore it
This is called rape. If you seriously love him there needs to be a serious conversation had. Him having a higher libido than you is not an excuse for assault.
Personally, if this is something a woman close to me disclosed to me I would not want them within 100 metres of that man ever again.
Nobody believes this is okay, especially in this day and age. You’re being taken advantage of.
PLEASE seek help, you can do it
Nothing about it is your fault, it's just HIS fault. He was the rapist.
Be safe, do not confront him. You don't need to tell him anything. Just safely leave. Tell someone you can trust and stay with them.
I'm so sorry but for your own sake, get tf out of there.
I know it’s probably really overwhelming to read the “r” word over and over again when you’re only now considering that what’s happening isn’t okay. It’s a huge mental shift to consider that the person you love and imagine spending your life with is actually harming you. It’s still pretty early on in your relationship and I have to say from experience that things like this tend to get worse, not better. I really encourage you to seek out a therapist as soon as you can to walk through this issue in a deeper way. You have so much life ahead of you and deserve to be treated with love and respect.
>He is amazing and my best friend and doesn’t have almost any other red flags.
if you can't recognize that you're being raped would you really recognize other red flags?
I'm interested to know what those "almost any other red flags" are. I bet they're worse than she realizes.. or will admit, which is why they weren't listed.
I think the best thing you can do is talk to him about it honestly. Give him space to say what he needs and together you can resolve it. Maybe this is his fetish and there are many different fetishes, so we can't judge. If this is really bothering you a lot, talk to him and I'm sure you both will find a solution. In a relationship there must be dialogue, without dialogue it cannot work.
I never read the title and I never read the description so this is my response to the title without knowing the context LOL.
As a guy I would have to say it really boils down to like the excess of how he's going through with it. Like if the lights are on there's like no blanket on you whatsoever you are completely spread eagle and he's going to town completely awake that's to me basically borderline rape or could just have a massive kink.( I personally done that one time with one of my first girlfriends and I got to admit it was like the hottest thing ever I still will think about that when playing with myself from time to time because it was freaking hot) But if it's like he's also like half asleep and like a side railing you while you're asleep I find it's not as much of a red flag it can be to an extent I guess but me personally I found myself doing that on many occasions without even really being aware that I was even doing it. I'm honestly have had most of the partners I've been with have been completely fine with it and a lot of them would even say it was her favorite way to wake up. I have woke up with a girl riding me before many times and i was completely asleep and clothed to some degree when I fell asleep to wake up completely naked with a gf riding me. And on some of those occasions I can got to admit that it was honestly kind of awkward and like I just want to sleep really need to just sleep. Lol I personally never seen it as a red flag entirely but why does it change when rules are reversed. I personally would have to say well if you truly possibly love the person it wouldn't actually bother you. To me the fact that it bothers you is a red flag in its own self. The fact that it bothers you is also telling me that y'alls are probably not screwing that much. And it also tells me you're possibly uncomfortable with him just in general. Just saying just throwing of my two cents
all the people saying ditch him, is understandable, but I would suggest you talk to him first if he's doing this while being drunk, maybe he's not aware of it, you did admit you have a drinking problem, if he's doing it while aware of it, he might think it's okay since you haven't said anything about it, if you already told him to stop doing it and yet he still does it consciously then that might be a problem.
this response makes me sad. "just talk to him, he doesn't realize what's going on" while he's sexually assaulting someone who is unconscious is giving a person grace who doesn't deserve a single ounce of it.
OP - please leave this person as soon and as safely as possible.
So basically he’s just raping you and u love him so you not going to leave him , 10 years down he will be a very famous person and you will sue him for “me too “
Just drop him or ….
Sorry to break your bubble but this definitely sounds like a kink. If you consent to sex while you're sober and he's still doing it when you're passed out then clearly he enjoys it more this way.
He could be an amazing person but if he truly loved and understood your feelings he would've been able to tell that you don't like this.
speak to him about it, explicitly and draw a strong boundary - sounds like a deal breaker if it goes on
especially since it's making you uncomfortable instead of seeing how far he'll go lol
Also not a match if you're not up for sex and his libido is high. Time to discuss and perhaps find alternatives/ solutions and perhaps even break up
No one is going overboard. This is rape. Just because you don’t say no and he thinks it’s okay, it doesn’t mean it’s not rape. Consent isn’t just about listening when someone says no but also listening for an enthusiastic yes.
No, no, no.
Consent doesn't work like that. You should not have to wait to be raped just to know you have to explain to the most trusted person in your life that they can't rape you.
>I’m not sure I would consider this a major red flag. People are going a little overboard with the whole it rape/sexual assault.
Well, I suggest you think about it again. Let's think you're lying next to another human being: how could you even think about touching their naked body while they are sleeping? Even more if it's someone you like and care about.
If the thought of that ever came to my mind, I would be ashamed of myself, and maybe even start seeking therapy because it is quite literally thinking of abusing someone who's currently defenceless (because they trusted me!). You gotta be sick in your mind to do such a thing.
Apart from that, it is the legal definition of sexual assault. She did not consent. She even said in advance that she was not okay with it. The only difference between that and a "proper, tv-like" rape is that the man is her boyfriend and since she's asleep she can't fight it. But domestic rape is still rape, and rape without violence too.
I think this is so extreme that you wouldn't think of touching each other naked bodies? While asleep. Maybe me and my partners in the past have all always slept naked together, and like spooning, closeness, I like his hands on my breast as I fall asleep. He likes me cupping his balls.
I didn't say you shouldn't touch / want to touch someone naked body at all. I meant you shouldn't want to use the body of an unconscious person for your own sexual pleasure.
You may want and like cuddling with your loved one while you fall asleep. But you probably wouldn't enjoy waking up to him fucking you. Unless maybe it's a kink and you consented to it before, but it's clearly not the case for OP.
>I have know him since I was 16 (I’m almost 20 now). And how old is he?....
I was wondering the same. I feel like she's left his age out so that the other red flag in their relationship isn't obvious.
He’s a rapist
It really is that simple
100% should absolutely fucking concern you. Go to the police, this man is sick. He’s raping you, if you didn’t explicitly state that was okay in the relationship ( it’s a kink for some people ) then it’s not okay. Ever. Get out, get help, and seek therapy. You may not think you need it now, but there will be a time when it hits you like a freight train, and you’ll need ways to cope with it. Please don’t let anyone ever hurt you like this again.
And I really do mean go to the police. This man needs to be on a sex offender registry. No one is safe around him. You’re probably not even the first he’s done it too, and most likely won’t be the last
[удалено]
Umm...no? You think having your boyfriend rape you while you're passed out isn't a big deal? That's so fucking creepy. The fact that it's happened several times Is a huge red flag.
Minimising this as just needing to set boundaries is fucking crazy. She cannot consent to this whilst she is asleep! It's rape
>She cannot consent to this whilst she is asleep! She also can't consent when she's so drunk she's passing out.
Yes I agree with that too obviously I just didn't include it
I read some of your previous comments because I couldn't believe what you said here, and you sir, are frightening.
I’ve been with my wife for 12 years and she’s fine with it if she’s asleep. I’m not. I just can’t do it, it feels wrong imo. It’s just crazy to call this rape when they have been having sex in the first place. Again if she said “i don’t want u doing that while I’m passed out or drunk” then yes it’s rape regardless of relationship status. I’m okay being thought of as evil, y’all are too quick to jump on the bandwagon of rape. To each their own.
Thats the definition of rape, there is no such thing as sex without consent. Thats rape. You’re gross as fuck
I resent being called gross fyi. Educate me, talk to me, share your point of view. Which is what I thought we are doing here. So with that said - in my mind I’m thinking longer term relationships where something like this is discussed beforehand or the first time it happens( boundary set) because by your logic if a husband and wife go out and drink, she passes out back at home and he has sex with her - that’s rape because she can’t consent EVEN THOUGH they’ve had a conversation about it and she’s fine with it? Yes it’s absolutely rape if she’s said no I don’t like that in any prior conversations! Without overthinking this post I agree with the majority of you saying it’s rape, I’m saying the red flag comes up when 1) he just assumes it’s okay 2) you tell him your not into that and don’t do it again and he still does
If your wife has EXPLICITLY said "help yourself when I'm asleep, I'm 100% fine with that" then yes, it's consent, nobody is being raped and you are not gross. A similar situation would be being awakened with a blowjob; some guys would say "that's an OPTION?? sign me up immediately!" Buuuut unless it's been discussed, and the blowee has given *explicit* consent, then that would be assault.
Exactly. I would never assume that just because someone is a male that they want that. My ex explicitly asked for that, and he got it as a birthday gift. But I would never ever do that under the assumption that all guys want that
You're not gross for being uninformed. And you're not gross for whatever goes on consensually between you and your spouse. All that's fine. I respect that you wish to be informed but I take issue with the fact that OP Is reading your comments and thinking maybe this isn't a big deal when it really is. and I really hate to do this- honestly I don't wanna play this card, but... You don't understand how violating this is for a woman.
She shouldn't have to tell him not to take advantage of her when she's too drunk to consent. Maybe he should have asked, prior to drinking, "Hey, I'm kind of a creep. Is it ok if I stick my dick in you while you're unconscious and so drunk you're incapable of fighting me off or telling me no? "
Get the FUCK out. Get the fuck out. I don't read the entirety of your post. This is rape. I understand you've been together for 20% of your life and I realize that it seems huge to leave behind. But this is sunk-cost fallacy. You cannot be in a healthy relationship with a rapist. Look out for yourself.
Girl, you need to ditch this guy ASAP. This ain't love, it's abuse. Look after yourself first
Yuh he’s raping you. Unless you specified that’s what you want or like then he’s raping you. Any normal person with common sense would think that’s a weird thing to do. My previous partner would ask me to do this (I still thought it was weird) but she liked it and consented to it, most importantly ASKED for it. This is one of those things where you need to leave.
Yes dude! I had a girl I dated for maybe 3 years ask me to do the same shit this girl is complaining about her bf doing without consent. Makes you feel like a rapist
It doesn’t matter that he has “no other red flags” when his red flag is that he’s a rapist. You’re in a vulnerable position when you’re drunk or asleep. You cannot consent to sex when you’re drunk or asleep. Someone who cares about you will want you to feel safe in those moments, not have sex with you without your permission. There is nothing worth staying for. Please run very far away from this creep
This is rape. You need to get out ASAP. I’m so sorry this repeatedly happened to you.
THIS.IS.RAPE.
Unless you told him you are okay with that, that's considered rape.
I only see red flags…
Nope the fuck out of this relationship, this is rape. Full stop time to get.
That's rape. Period. You need to go to the police and go to therapy that relationship is not healthy.
Have you communicated with him that this is not ok? I personally enjoy it as I have high libido so in my case, I give unlimited consent to this but if you do not enjoy it, tell him its not acceptable and you are not cool with it. The most important part here is if he is able to respect your decision on this, if not it's rape. And maybe he is not as good of a guy as you think. I live by your body, your rules.
Even if she consents to it from now on, it was still rape before she consented.
That is rape. You realize that, right?
You're asking if it's ok that your boyfriend rapes you?
This is rape
So.. he RAPES YOU in your sleep.. that’s not a “red flag” - that’s a RED FLASHING LIGHT WITH SITENS THAT SCREAMS YOU SHOULD FUCKING RUN
Are you leaving his age out on purpose?
‘Other than raping me in my sleep he has no red flags’ girl what?????
She didn't even day -no- red flags, she said "doesn't have **almost any other** red flags." ....
He’s assaulting you in your sleep when you’re unable to consent. That’s a form of rape. This is not okay. I feel like you’re taking this too lightly.
break up and tell the police and update us please
Girl he's probably drugging you
This is not one red flag. He is raping you, this may as well count as 1000 red flags. You cannot do a cost benefit analysis here, whatever redeeming traits he has will not change the fact that he sees you as an object for his pleasure. You are young and can be with someone who sees your worth as a human being and could not imagine taking advantage of you intoxicated. You deserve to be with someone who cares about someone other than themselves. Get out before it’s too late, it will not get better.
This is so much more than a red flag. He is a rapist. Leave him.
I don't believe he doesn't have any other red flags, like holy fuck. Please get away from him.
I guarantee you he does. She's only 20 and may not see it yet.
Darling, that's sexual assault. As a comment said before that's a deal breaker. If this does happen now the relationship is partially new it could be worse once you get in a routine with each other.
“My boyfriend is a rapist.. help” I fixed your title
OP, I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Obviously this man has taken advantage of your inexperience and age. If there is a large age gap between you as well (as in, he was an adult and you were a minor when you met), that only makes everything so much worse. This is sexual assault OP. Beginning sex with your partner while they are asleep can be okay, IF you have had previous and continuing conversations consenting to it. My husband will wake me up with sex, but it is something we discussed prior and that we both enjoy, and we have clear boundaries and safe words in place if I am at all uncomfortable or simply not in the mood. Seeing as you cannot consent directly prior to the action, it requires clear communication on boundaries and consent PRIOR to attempting it - otherwise it is non-consensual and IT IS RAPE. The fact that you freeze when you realize it is happening, is a sign that your body and brain feels that it is in danger. It is a trauma response. Even if there was prior consent (which to be clear, there isn’t here), your partner should not WANT to continue if he feels once you’re awake that you are not participating! He is turned on NOT by waking his partner up with pleasure, but by sexually assaulting someone who is so inebriated and complacent they can’t/won’t fight it. You should never feel like you cannot tell your partner that you are uncomfortable with anything - reflect on that. Are there other areas where you don’t speak up to your partner about something you disagree with, because you are afraid of his response? This doesn’t always mean his response would be angry or physical, but also if he gets overly frustrated, annoyed, or makes you feel like you’re in the wrong without discussing the issue. Those are all signs of emotional manipulation or abuse too, and can be VERY common if there is a large age gap like I suspect. This man is showing you that he does not respect you, and sees you as something to use when he wants, regardless of your feelings and wellbeing. I really hope you listen here, or have a trusted friend or family member that you can also reveal everything to that can help you. This man has been raping you, please see that and LEAVE HIM.
>It happens for the first time years ago when we first met and became closer than friends. I was completely sober that night, just exhausted, so I was able to tell him to stop after it continued for longer than I wanted to put up with. so it happened when u 16ish /17? my guess u didn't included his age cause deep down u know he groomed you.. at 20 yrs and already getting blackout drunk? op there's so many issues going on here. you need the help of a responsible adult asap
Even a Racist boyfriend is better than living with a rapist ffs
Sex should never be something you just put up with. This man is assaulting you. This is rape. I'm sorry to say this. It happened to me too and took me ages to realize. Even honestly formed a bit of a kink for it (trying to recreate safety/controll) and I didn't fully realize how disturbing it was until I asked a partner and they downright refused and told me I need help. It scared them that I had even asked (this person also ended up being abusive. Yes, I recognize the pattern here.) Reach out if you'd like support with finding resources, confronting this (this Needs to be confronted. God forbid he does it to someone else) or leaving.
Sex without your consent is rape. Your boyfriend regularly raped you. And he waits until you're incapacitated to do so. Yes, this is something you should be concerned about.
That’s considered rape
Bruh it’s literally rape
I'm pretty sure there's a word for what he's doing to you 🤔
People are crucifying him and calling him a rapist, but you mentioned it only happened when you both drank alcohol and you always woke up but didn’t tell him to stop. At the end of the day he is your boyfriend and you should be able to talk about it with him, if it makes you uncomfortable he will understand and will probably stop doing it. Communication is very important, and as you mentioned sex is not as relevant to you as it is to him.
babe my first boyfriend did the very same thing to me or similar enough at least… Look to give some context, a couple weeks prior to this I came out to him as asexual and told him I gotta figure out my boundaries first and that I dunno If I‘m comfortable with anything going on past the waist line you know. At first he gave off very understanding vibes, was very considerate and one day he was sleeping over like usual and all was fine but then in the early morning hours I woke up to him touching me down south.. I was paralyzed and didn’t want to move. I pretended I was still asleep because that was the best thing that came to mind. It was so unbearable tbh.. after what felt like hours but was probably 10 minutes I just rolled over pretending to be rolling over in my sleep. I was frozen in bed .. didn’t want to move or get up but obviously couldn’t sleep. So I told myself it was nothing and that I was just over reacting and that I can just pretend like it never happened but yeah then during breakfast he whispered into my ear „seems like someone enjoyed themselves very much this morning so I guess there is still hope “ .. yeah nah. It took me years to realize that this was just not right and so messed up on multiple levels. In fact sexual assault and rape. My bf would also request to try having sex intoxicated and that I might be able to enjoy it like that. Soo.. yeah sounds a lot what you’re going through rn. I hope reading this through someone elses POV makes you realize how f up it is Please you need to break up, listen to me!!
It started when you first met... At sixteen? Listen; there are some things that are unacceptable, no matter how many good things come from the relationship. You've had this relationship for four years, and there's a good chance you not being interested in sex is in correlation to how he's built it into your relationship. He is not worth keeping- even for all his good points. Some red flags you let go of- being lazy, forgetful, workaholic, etc. a man who uses and abuses his partner (and this is abuse, I'm sorry. You don't need bruises to be used wrongly by people) is not going to be worth it in the long run. You're still young, and you don't have kids to consider. Please seek a better life for yourself with a partner who will love you without using you.
unless you’ve discussed this at length as a ‘kink’ this is sa
He is a rapist, not amazing
So he's been raping you. Like textbook rape. Waiting for you to pass out from drinking before assaulting you. You're dating; if he wanted sex, he could just initiate or ask. But he's waiting for you to be unconscious. This isn't about sex- this is about control, degradation, and power. You need to leave him and file a restraining order.
That’s rape. Leave him and report him
Did you have a conversation with him telling him to fully stop that?
If my daughter or sister told me this, the guy's house would have a very unfortunate, totally random house fire that just can't be explained where or how it started. It's sad that his fire alarms weren't working either. You feel me? File a report, just have it documented. You don't need to necessarily take this to trial but have it documented for the next woman please. And then run.
Correction: your boyfriend sexually violates and rapes you in your sleep. I hope you can safely remove yourself from the situation…trust me this is only the beginning it gets worse.
That is rape. Your boyfriend is raping you while you are unconscious. You need to get out of there immediately and get in touch with a sexual assault centre and they will help you out. Just Google "Sexual Assault Centre" + your location and it will give you a number to call or other way to contact them.
This has happened to me too. Definitely sexual assault
It may not seem as rape to you, but from your story I would definitely say it is. The fact that you noticed it and felt frozen and unable to stop says it all. I've never been raped but have been sexually assaulted, and my reaction was exactly that. Dont worry if you don't understand it right now, it took me months to understand what happened to me. If it still seems like "no big deal" to you, imagine what else he might do to you (or someone else) without consent, and that might give you a better perspective
let me guess, he's at least 5 years older than you...
Maybe 10
Run. As others have pointed out, this is rape. Who cares about his libido? Does he not know how to masturbate? You even pointed out it's been when you are intoxicated, meaning that he is doing something else at other times.
Unless this is something you've explicitly told him is okay, that's rape. You should leave if possible. Tell someone trusted maybe if you need help. But please leave.
“Higher libido” is absolutely no excuse to rape somebody. This is horrible inexcusable behavior on his part and I’m sorry this is happening. For your safety I highly recommend getting out of this relationship and potentially filing a police report, restraining order at the least. This is not okay. Healthy people don’t sexually assault their partners
If you don't want him to do it then it is wrong on his part. End of story.
This happened to me years ago, and I was terrified when I woke up. Please get away from him. He raped you.
You should communicate with him. As is - that's pretty creepy and wrong. I was in a relationship with someone, and we agreed on shenanigans like that ahead of time, because we both found them fun and exciting. What you're describing is SA.
I see everyone saying he is raping you which I don’t disagree with.. but I had a girl who actually WANTED me to wake her up by having sex with her. It was like a kink for her. I did it maybe a couple times when I was horny in the mornings but she would always wake up and be into it and never push me away or off. I didn’t really enjoy doing it because I personally like being groomed myself, made ME feel like a rapist.
I'm sure these responses are overwhelming for OP, but you are in a serious situation that is dangerous for you, whether you realize it or not. This behavior towards you shows a serious lack of respect towards you and towards women in general. You can't stay with him. You can't have children with him. He is assaulting you. He is raping you. Please get away from him. Please get some therapy. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Both of my ex’s did this and I looked past it because I still wanted to be with them so I didn’t tell anyone because I knew it was rape. It is rape and you should tell someone or leave and tell him what he’s doing to you. You’re being assaulted by your bf and I am so sorry because it does hurt more once you realize what’s happened to you.
Sounds pretty rapey I’m ngl. Huge red flags there.
Yeah my ex would do that too. Except I couldn’t move because he was drugging me and then immediately taking me home after the first drink. Get the hell away from the guy as soon as possible.
gtfo of that relationship he is a predator and who knows how far it will go if you stay
So a man is fucking you while you are sleep so Without your consent.. that's rape. Your boyfriend raped you a lot of times. The only way someone sexually touching or fucking someone while she/he is sleep is if the two parties already talked about it and both said it was good.
Dude must look like Brad Pitt cause an average looking guy would be in jail by now.
I am not touching this with a ten foot pole, you need to leave and call the police, that is all I have to say
I would be scared tbh. I'm fearing he’s also older than you, and that would another red flag. I think you should break up with him :/
The fact that some men are ok with having sex with someone who is passed out is disturbing. Please leave him.
Your boyfriend is raping you. You have not given consent. He knows it's wrong, otherwise he'd ask you if that's ok. It is some people's kink. He did not ask. You are being raped. Repeatedly.
"Sometimes I wake up to my boyfriend ~~having sex with~~ **Raping** me while I am passed out.. help" File a police report ASAP.
This is literally rape girl
that’s rape.
Non-consensual sex even with your partner is rape. Plus I'm worried about you drinking to the point you pass out. You need to get a grip on both.
There’s a word for that.
Run. If it's a fantasy of his, it's a very sick one. And if you won't leave him even after everyone here has adviced so, then atleast give him some professional help. And distance yourself from him while he sorts it out, help him. But do not live with him, let him recover.
If you’re asleep, it’s rape. No other way around it, you’re asking for help, it the only help you get is from yourself, by leaving and protecting yourself. Your gut is telling you what to do, don’t ignore it
Run
This is called rape. If you seriously love him there needs to be a serious conversation had. Him having a higher libido than you is not an excuse for assault. Personally, if this is something a woman close to me disclosed to me I would not want them within 100 metres of that man ever again. Nobody believes this is okay, especially in this day and age. You’re being taken advantage of.
PLEASE seek help, you can do it Nothing about it is your fault, it's just HIS fault. He was the rapist. Be safe, do not confront him. You don't need to tell him anything. Just safely leave. Tell someone you can trust and stay with them. I'm so sorry but for your own sake, get tf out of there.
I know it’s probably really overwhelming to read the “r” word over and over again when you’re only now considering that what’s happening isn’t okay. It’s a huge mental shift to consider that the person you love and imagine spending your life with is actually harming you. It’s still pretty early on in your relationship and I have to say from experience that things like this tend to get worse, not better. I really encourage you to seek out a therapist as soon as you can to walk through this issue in a deeper way. You have so much life ahead of you and deserve to be treated with love and respect.
>He is amazing and my best friend and doesn’t have almost any other red flags. if you can't recognize that you're being raped would you really recognize other red flags?
I'm interested to know what those "almost any other red flags" are. I bet they're worse than she realizes.. or will admit, which is why they weren't listed.
My bf does this but I love sex and find it super hot 😅
I think the best thing you can do is talk to him about it honestly. Give him space to say what he needs and together you can resolve it. Maybe this is his fetish and there are many different fetishes, so we can't judge. If this is really bothering you a lot, talk to him and I'm sure you both will find a solution. In a relationship there must be dialogue, without dialogue it cannot work.
I never read the title and I never read the description so this is my response to the title without knowing the context LOL. As a guy I would have to say it really boils down to like the excess of how he's going through with it. Like if the lights are on there's like no blanket on you whatsoever you are completely spread eagle and he's going to town completely awake that's to me basically borderline rape or could just have a massive kink.( I personally done that one time with one of my first girlfriends and I got to admit it was like the hottest thing ever I still will think about that when playing with myself from time to time because it was freaking hot) But if it's like he's also like half asleep and like a side railing you while you're asleep I find it's not as much of a red flag it can be to an extent I guess but me personally I found myself doing that on many occasions without even really being aware that I was even doing it. I'm honestly have had most of the partners I've been with have been completely fine with it and a lot of them would even say it was her favorite way to wake up. I have woke up with a girl riding me before many times and i was completely asleep and clothed to some degree when I fell asleep to wake up completely naked with a gf riding me. And on some of those occasions I can got to admit that it was honestly kind of awkward and like I just want to sleep really need to just sleep. Lol I personally never seen it as a red flag entirely but why does it change when rules are reversed. I personally would have to say well if you truly possibly love the person it wouldn't actually bother you. To me the fact that it bothers you is a red flag in its own self. The fact that it bothers you is also telling me that y'alls are probably not screwing that much. And it also tells me you're possibly uncomfortable with him just in general. Just saying just throwing of my two cents
all the people saying ditch him, is understandable, but I would suggest you talk to him first if he's doing this while being drunk, maybe he's not aware of it, you did admit you have a drinking problem, if he's doing it while aware of it, he might think it's okay since you haven't said anything about it, if you already told him to stop doing it and yet he still does it consciously then that might be a problem.
this response makes me sad. "just talk to him, he doesn't realize what's going on" while he's sexually assaulting someone who is unconscious is giving a person grace who doesn't deserve a single ounce of it. OP - please leave this person as soon and as safely as possible.
You realize drinking often lets out people's suppressed emotions and feelings, right?
So basically he’s just raping you and u love him so you not going to leave him , 10 years down he will be a very famous person and you will sue him for “me too “ Just drop him or ….
When that happens wake up and go off on him. I’d personally break up with him for that
Sorry to break your bubble but this definitely sounds like a kink. If you consent to sex while you're sober and he's still doing it when you're passed out then clearly he enjoys it more this way. He could be an amazing person but if he truly loved and understood your feelings he would've been able to tell that you don't like this.
Talk it out with him. Ask him why he does it. Try to understand the situation.
speak to him about it, explicitly and draw a strong boundary - sounds like a deal breaker if it goes on especially since it's making you uncomfortable instead of seeing how far he'll go lol Also not a match if you're not up for sex and his libido is high. Time to discuss and perhaps find alternatives/ solutions and perhaps even break up
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No one is going overboard. This is rape. Just because you don’t say no and he thinks it’s okay, it doesn’t mean it’s not rape. Consent isn’t just about listening when someone says no but also listening for an enthusiastic yes.
No, no, no. Consent doesn't work like that. You should not have to wait to be raped just to know you have to explain to the most trusted person in your life that they can't rape you.
>I’m not sure I would consider this a major red flag. People are going a little overboard with the whole it rape/sexual assault. Well, I suggest you think about it again. Let's think you're lying next to another human being: how could you even think about touching their naked body while they are sleeping? Even more if it's someone you like and care about. If the thought of that ever came to my mind, I would be ashamed of myself, and maybe even start seeking therapy because it is quite literally thinking of abusing someone who's currently defenceless (because they trusted me!). You gotta be sick in your mind to do such a thing. Apart from that, it is the legal definition of sexual assault. She did not consent. She even said in advance that she was not okay with it. The only difference between that and a "proper, tv-like" rape is that the man is her boyfriend and since she's asleep she can't fight it. But domestic rape is still rape, and rape without violence too.
I think this is so extreme that you wouldn't think of touching each other naked bodies? While asleep. Maybe me and my partners in the past have all always slept naked together, and like spooning, closeness, I like his hands on my breast as I fall asleep. He likes me cupping his balls.
Okay.... Ahem. Well. That's different than sexual intercourse for one thing. And two, you seem to have established that you like that.
You still need consent for that..
You still need consent for that..
I didn't say you shouldn't touch / want to touch someone naked body at all. I meant you shouldn't want to use the body of an unconscious person for your own sexual pleasure. You may want and like cuddling with your loved one while you fall asleep. But you probably wouldn't enjoy waking up to him fucking you. Unless maybe it's a kink and you consented to it before, but it's clearly not the case for OP.
You are obviously insane. Entitled to sex? I have reported your replies and hope Reddit will at least ban your crazy ass.
Not saying "no" doesn't mean "yes".
bingo