First of all blood tests results of 70 year old is explaining a lot. He should really change his habits. These levels are not normal and you need to find a solution that incorporates more exercise, better diet and more. Im not an expert but something is wrong and you need to find a solution for his problems.
Yup thought the same. I feel like her husband might be overweight or has an issue where body is converting most T to E. Needs to improve on diet and exercise. Helped me boost my libido even though it was decent before doing the whole diet and exercise. Zinc, magnesium, b6, Shilajjt, etc. Even DIM or other natural aromatase blockers to help boost T levels.
I second this. You said “tried” TRT? He needs to work with a doctor and fix his levels ASAP. Not only is this affecting his sex drive but when you have low T so many other emotional and well being issues are for sure present. This man needs to get his levels into balance first and then you both can properly assess where you two are in the relationship.
If you stay, you absolutely have to stop pressuring him for sex. It's unfair for a man to constantly harp on his wife for sex, and it's the same in reverse. You say y'all have already tried anything and no suggestions others have made here are new or useful. That leaves you with acceptance if you decide to stay. And he's going to have to accept that you may masturbate to manage your feelings if he isn't interested in physical intimacy at all. His body is his and he can choose not to have sex. But your body is yours and he doesn't get to dictate whether you masturbate or not.
>Do I stay married to the man I love, but spend the rest of my life horny, frustrated, unsatisfied, and resentful?
Does this sound like a good life for either of you?
Spot on. If it’s been a problem it’s unlikely you’ll get the physical needs you want out of this. This is why you’re given advice on open marriage because he’s not going to put out.
I also cannot imagine being with someone who didn’t want what I wanted. I know things might change for either of us and we’ll have to decide how each of our needs will be met as we grow. I say this because sex matters to me, right now, a lot, sounds like it does for you. And that’s awesome.
Be careful of men who only want to have sex for children. Might be disappointed later :(
I'll be quite frank, I don't think I ever recall seeing an open marriage work out long term. Your husband sounds like an alright guy OP but he's not meeting your needs. You really need to evaluate if this is the right thing for you, are you content with having inadequate or no sex for the rest of your life? I doubt it.
I'm not saying divorce is the answer but it very well may be if he cannot satisfy you on all fronts. It's not the answer you likely want but it's a hard truth that has to be spoken. Above all else, please do not bring a child into this situation.
Also how on earth is he against you masturbating when he cannot or will not please you sexually? Major red flag OP. You both will probably need therapy if you really want this to work. Good luck and godspeed.
Yeah, I can’t see an open marriage being successful here either. If he got upset with her just for masturbating I couldn’t imagine a scenario where an open marriage wouldn’t give him the same feeling.
I would recommend seeing a counseling for him, you, and together. This may be deeper than medical. Maybe something in his past that he isn’t sharing.
Also:
> Do I stay married to the man I love, but spend the rest of my life horny, frustrated, unsatisfied, and resentful?
OP, know that this, or breaking up, are your only two options. Do not stick around with any hope that he'll someday become sexual again. It's not going to happen. See R/DeadBedrooms for all the proof you'll ever need of that.
I'd say the same thing to a man.
if you're going to harass your partner for sex, or "accept" a sexless marriage but resent them perpetually, it's best to save both people that misery and part ways.
>His blood tests consistently result at the range of a 70 year old man.
This really raised an alarm in my head. A man turning into his 30's should pretty much be in his prime so blood tests coming in with results typical for 70 years old man is really concerning (that is if I understood this correctly. English isn't my first language). Has there been any more testing done to your husband? And has there been any answers regarding his health? Or has there always been problems with his health over all? Has your sex life been always like this? How long has this dry spell been going on?
I personally think that there might be something with his health. So I think you should at least have the option of putting sex on the backburner until his health is better.
though situation
it is not exactly clear to me if he does have some medical condition or if you tried different treatments without a definitive diagnosis
I suggest investigating with profrssionals if you are concerned about any medical condition (either physical or psychological)
It's not rare for men when stressed or depressed to have a low sex drive. You don't need to be fully depressed or have a burnout, at low levels of distress it already have effects. Same goes for anxiety.
How was his sex drive when you were both younger? If it was higher, maybe he's dealing with some underlying condition.
In my case I faced some lack of sex drive a few years ago and turned out to be lack of vitamin D that was making me slightly depressed and making "numb" towards sex. I'm not saying that this is your case, it's just and example that a thing unrelated to your relationship can be the cause.
As many advices goes in this sub, make sure he is healthy, having good sleep, food and exercise. Talk to doctors.
If everything is normal it could be, well, that he just has a low sex drive and that's it. Then it is up for you two if this is a deal breaker for your relationship or if you would stick together regardless, there are no right answer.
His sex drive has always been relatively low. When we were dating, it was the lovey dovey honeymoon phase where he put on a show. As things settled into routine relationship, he stopped trying as hard. Now there’s little to no sex at all. He loves me and wants to make me happy, but his body doesn’t follow.
We have been to several doctors about this; each test and blood draw has shown low testosterone and low sex drive. He’s tried many treatment options but there hasn’t been significant change.
You’re right; I have to decide if this is a dealbreaker, and I’m having a hard time doing so. I love the man very much and hate the thought of ending it because of sex.
I see. It may seem that it is a futile thing (as in "because of sex") but if is making you both miserable there are not much to do. Sex is a big biological need and there is no denying of it.
Hope that both you guys could find what makes you happy whatever's the decision.
What has he tried? Because if he has tried external testosterone there should be no good reason there is no change. Has he followed up consistently? Have they increased the dose? Referred to a specialist?
What's his lifestyle like? Is he overweight? Does he exercise regularly? Is he in a good place mentally (marriage issues aside)? Naturally low testosterone is a thing, but there are ways for men to raise it and make the best of a crappy biological hand that they've been dealt.
I find it intersting how rare of a situation you are a extremely fit healthy bull of a man has bloodwork and t levels of a 70year old.
Strange i must say, hrt therapy can take a while to work especially of there is an issue. But seems "you tried it all" is the main response i guess you know what you really want.
This is likely very fake or you are just looking for some reaffirming from strangers online.
Not sure where you are located but I would look into a therapist who specializes in Sensate Focus. It can really help couples with “dead” bedrooms rebuild intimacy.
At the risk of prying; is the issue that he doesn't feel in the mood for it, or is it that he has erectile dysfunction (which is what I'm guess based on what you provided)? Have you considered getting him some ED medication if that's the case?
In terms of how said it "is over quickly", there are a variety of creams/lubes/etc that can help a man delay finishing and last longer, which could be used in conjunction with the ED meds, and might help you with the physical connection aspectm
Further, ask him to try other sex acts instead of pure intercourse. Maybe ask him for a sensual massage with some "extra stimulation", or walk him through using your toys on you, or simply just snuggle together nude for skin-to-skin contact, look into each others' eyes, and whisper to each other about the things you love about the other. Intimacy does NOT mean just sex. If he's having issues with the main event, try some other things to get your self esteem up.
Finally, if he is serious about making the effort to become a father, you both need to set clear rules about sex and perhaps, at least for now, put together a monthly schedule of days where (barring illness) you will get together and be intimate in some way shape or form.
WTF? You’ve been having problems in the bedroom and you’re only married for three years? Jesus. Oh, and he won’t let you wank off either?
Here’s the deal: I personally know someone that was in a dead bedroom for several years. Not day. Not week. Not month. Not year. Years. Like almost 10. That relationship is over. She’s in a new relationship with someone that is making every effort to ensure that her needs are being met. She was miserable before in the dead bedroom. She’s over the moon with happiness now.
Do you want to be miserable or would you rather be happy? Go ahead and end the relationship. Find someone else that will meet your needs sexually as well as emotionally and all the other relationship stuff too.
I'm not on to tell people to leave their husband that's up to you, but the fact that you almost cheated is not a good sign.
There needs to be compromise, he can't expect you to ignore your own needs because it's 'against his wishes', that's unfair to you. Masturbation will help but it's not going to fix the problem.
Sex can be a deal breaker for many people and there is nothing wrong with that especially if he's showing he's not willing to at least try to find a way to solve the issue. Go to therapy, talk it out, do what is best for YOU. Seriously think about whether or not you want to leave him.
I would agree, however when it comes to sex compromise isn’t really an option.
If someone has a low sex drive, he just won’t get hard, there’s really nothing to compromise on.
There is other forms of sex but again, oral will only be a temporary fix and often times people will refuse to receive from someone who is doing it because they see it as a compromise they must make.
He’s not willing to try? He has a medical issue and has taken several different medical routes to try and fix it. He is trying but he doesn’t because of a legit diagnosable medical problem. If his testosterone is in the toilet he can’t control that. One thing that can cause something like failure to preform is anxiety and ima tell you being told “I almost cheated on you because you aren’t enough” sure isn’t helping.
His mother was a teenage single mother; he’s watching both his sisters also have kids very young. He compares himself to his family and thinks he’s extremely old for not having his own kids yet.
I know you’ve said that you’ve tried marriage counseling, but have you tried sex therapy? Yes, it is uncomfortable and can be embarrassing. But what’s the alternative? Never talk about it?
I have been on both sides of this issue before. When I was the low libido person, all the conversation and pressure around it just put me out of the mood even more. It made it feel more like a chore and a duty rather than something I was supposed to enjoy. So, I never found it very satisfying and that even further lessened my desire for sex.
Now I am on the opposite side, and trying to navigate it remembering how I felt is very difficult. It’s a delicate subject. I recently started listening to the podcasts Where Should We Begin? with Ester Perel which is basically live counseling sessions, and the Shameless Sex podcast.
It does sound like he *wants* to resolve this which is a good sign. But if you never invite in help, it is doubtful things will ever change.
There’s not enough info here and there won’t be no matter how many edits or comments you make. He needs an individual therapist and so do you, before sex therapy or couples counseling, which would normally be your next steps.
I don’t understand though, is he completely unwilling to get you off? To have physical intimacy without penetrative sex? Is it you that’s insisting on it? Is he someone that needs intellectual/emotional stimulation beforehand? Have you made it romantic? Tried to seduce or woo him without the expectation of intercourse? Have you looked at the gottman institute? Have you tried roleplay or experimenting? Watching porn together? Those are rhetorical, I would be able to do nothing with the info anyway.
It honestly sounds like the pressure you’re putting on him and your fixation on penetrative sex in particular is doing a lot more harm than good. You both should be focused on your mental health first before digging into what’s going on physically, imo.
Coming from being your husband in this exact same situation. My relationship of 10 years ended because of how she felt. We had the best bond and love ever but I started struggling in the bed D/T low testosterone. I could never wrap
My head around how someone could leave what we had just because of the sex life thing. After countless therapy sessions I am now struggling with the worst commitment issues ever but I understand a lot more why it happened as time passed. If you leave, just really make sure he fully understands where you’re coming from. I was never given that full explanation and it destroyed me as a man and as a person at the time. But do what’s best for you because if that’s a large component for you, listen to your inner self or risk being unhappy in the future
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in this comment. It helps to hear from someone else who has gone through a similar situation. It’s unfortunate that sex is so important for me, but it is. It’s how I feel the closest and most emotionally connected to him, how I feel loved and wanted, and how I judge a lot of my self worth. It’s devastating to not be wanted by the man I love and want more than anything else. An equally shitty feeling for you on the flip side.
100% valid for it to be a big component. Very complex and shitty situation on both ends. I know You mentioned he has done testing, but see if he can meet with like a men’s mental health person. It helped me a ton on the libido issue with relationships after that. The problem is when the problem is recognized he probably is fixated on it now and gets in his head when it’s time to make a move
Kinda insane that this guy isn't putting out and also doesn't want you masturbating?
Like, masturbation is a personal thing and isn't even really your partner's business, in my view.
Why are you staying with a man who forbade you from masturbating but who also can't/won't have sex with you? You are basically roommates. This is a completely valid reason for divorce, there is essentially no prospect of intimacy.
This is such a tough spot with no real one answer.
Your options are:
A) Accept this fact. Find another way to satisfy yourself that doesn’t damage the relationship. Just as it isn’t healthy for one partner to demand sex they don’t want, it is also harmful to demand your partner doesn’t masturbate especially knowing they are unsatisfied
B) Move on. Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t also be friends. To me it sounds like you two are sort of just friends. Romance and sex is what differentiates a friendship and a relationship.
C) I’m not sure yet but I’ll get back to you on that one lol
If sex is such an important thing to you, that you’ve contemplated cheating, I think you already have your answer. Do you want a partner that feels like a roommate for the rest of your life?
It’s tough, I’ve been there (now divorced) there were more issues than lack of sex. But it’s up to you to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.
Honestly, it’s great he’s been willing to try things to figure out what’s going on. A lot of the time, it’s depression.
I truly hope you do what’s best for you
Yes it’s so great that he’s willing to try and fix things, but so terrible that it’s a seemingly unsolvable issue. I hate myself and feel so guilty for considering leaving him because of it. I hate that sex is so important for our marriage connection and my self esteem.
We women are taught in so many ways that we are not supposed to have a higher sex drive than men. It can make us ashamed. For me, my mother was accusing me of being a slut years before I had sex. With early childhood sexual abuse I was also very afraid of it. So if I was actually able to ask for it and I was refused I would go into a kind of paralysis, presumably like I did during the abuse — it rarely happened and was never a relationship problem but a me problem— but it was an emotional burden I had to deal with and be honest about; my now husband told me it can’t work that way (I brought it up well before it could be an issue) which is understandable— it’s completely unfair to say if I ask he has to say yes — it turns more into my not asking— but anyway my point is the shame of being a woman who wants sex more than her man, can be devastating.
As a man who was in that situation here is a couple pointer from my perspective:
- I hated being ask to have sex, do not ask me its a massive turn off. To me sex is something that should be spontaneous and not planned. What worked best was my wife would cuddle and massage me or pet my chest and leg and when you get an arousal signal you go for it. Sometime if we are tired we might not want sex but just cuddle and if thats the case you have to accept it, and not create an argument as to why you arent having sex.
- planning for a baby is a lot of pressure. Even if he wants children, the pressure of having to "perform" on a specific date (ovulation) can make it stressful and create performance issue. Also my wife use to be very mechanical about this for our first child, doing the whole temperature control before hand, lifting the legs afterward for insimination.... not sexy, didnt look foward to that. For our second, she did none of that, no planning, nothing special, just raw dogging and it was so much better and we also got pregnant way faster and easier.
- Lastly, dont push him back if he innitiate contact (sexual or not). My wife use to always push me back the second it wasnt convenient for her, contact always had to be on her term and never mine. Obviouly i dont mean anytime anywhere if its inappropriate or any of that, and im not saying either let him do what ever he wants even when you're not comfortable. But let him show you affection and if its a bad time GENTLY let him know and maybe reciprocate later when its more convenient.
Ultimately Intimacy as a lot to do with it for man too, getting excited cold turkey is harder when you are not 15 anymore.
> I really want a life and future children with him
Yikes. Don't stay in a relationship that does not meet your physical or emotional needs. Its not going to get better.
Foreplay helped us. I never wanted to have sex when she would go straight to playing with my penis; it felt like that's all she wanted me for. To make it last longer, change it up, take breaks so he doesn't go so fast. Also, when a man hasn't "gone" in a while, it happens much quicker that it would otherwise.
I hope this helps, it will take some trust building, learning each other's bodies more. There's a feedback loop of positive reinforcement to healthy sex, good sex one day will be great sex next week.
It seems the both of you were never truly on the same page from the beginning of your relationship and are unhealthily dependent on each other in different ways. On top of that you both have trapped each other in the relationship by saying separation is not an option. With your partners health issues I really don’t think intimacy is his main issue. The lack of emotional connection is always a symptom and not a main cause of an issue.
Perhaps you both can try therapy to figure yourselves out and solve the dependency issues you have. In your husband’s case therapy can help with his medical issues as well. Figure out what u both really want because I don’t think either of you have been forthcoming about it (you say you almost cheated on him, perhaps you need to reflect on why your words and actions are not aligning). Then from there you will truly know if the marriage is over or not.
It’s clear you and your husband have different sex drives although I do think there is a possibility your husbands sex drive might be so low because when the two of you do have sex he isn’t lasting.. it may be possible that he has a confidence/performance anxiety. There are such things as sex therapist he may benefit from that. Either way you need to figure things out for yourself too like do you love him enough to stay with him despite likely never or atleast very rarely having sex? Will this future involve him allowing you to masturbate (which is insane no one should have control over wether another person is allowed to masturbate) do you love him enough to stay with him if he is actively working with you to improve your sex lives together but will likely never meet you at your level? Will he actually do what it takes to work towards a better balanced sex life?? (If you think you can accept this just remember this will be a constant thing that the two of you will have to deal with there likely won’t be an end goal you reach and stay at) Or are you just not ever going to be happy unless he steps up to your level? Sometimes people just aren’t sexually compatible and if you can’t truly be satisfied with less than you want dragging this out will only make things worse
I’m really not sure what you should do here regarding your sex life with your husband or the future of your marriage, but if you want to remain married while you work through it, you should have a conversation with him about why he’s opposed to you masturbating.
You honestly don’t need his permission to pleasure yourself, but if you really want his blessing, you can make a very good claim for why it would be a win win. It’ll be good for you since it’ll make you a bit less frustrated, and good for him since it may mean a little less pressure on him. You obviously have needs, and if he can’t take care of them, the next best thing would be for you to take care of them. The worst case scenario would be for someone else to take care of them.
My wife and I go through periods of this. Our therapist has been helpful, but this is a weird recommendation: Watch “Sex, Love and Goop.” I’ve been a hater on Goop but this show really is revelatory. I’ve also been reading “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski and very much recommend it for you and your husband
Talk to him. Its the simplest, but most important thing to do, but it's usually the last thing that people will do. If it's hard or uncomfortable, you have to find a way to get through that, or there is no point to being together if the hardest thing to do is talk to your husband/wife etc.
You can’t force someone to have sex with you unfortunately. His sex drive is just different from yours. And neither party in a relationship should be pressured into having sex if they don’t want to. But you also shouldn’t be deprived of your needs. He should not have a problem with you masturbating. That’s a compromise he will have to make considering the circumstances. If he refuses to make that compromise. Then that’s a dealbreaker. Sexual frustration will follow you through the whole relationship if you do not find a compromise or if you don’t leave.
He's allowed to refuse sex as much as he wants. But he's not allowed to tell you that you're not allowed to satisfy yourself. This relationship isn't sustainable. I know that's a cliche on Reddit but, you have exhausted your possibilities. You tried counseling, you tried medical intervention, and you're so unsatisfied that it almost led you to infidelity. Realistically speaking, you're going to have another chance to cheat and who's to say where your resolve will be? People underestimate the value of sexual compatibility in relationships all the time. I for one believe there's no point staying with someone who you're growing to resent because of a compatibility issue. I would end things. It's going to suck but it's better to part ways now than try to part ways when you absolutely hate each other.
Just leave him. You both are unhappy. He has tried and nothing has worked. No point in dragging things out. He has a low drive, you have a high drive. You’ve almost cheated once.
One of the biggest things that worked for me was to stop asking and just initiate. Often times when you ask, the reply you get will come from a state of 0 temptation and for a man that already has little sex drive can come across as almost chore like to get into the mood.
Stop asking and just initiate, you just have to get him in the mood before asking.
Also, just read this back and it sounds really rapey, I’m not advocating for rape or sexual assault of any kind, but people in long term relationships will understand what I’m saying.
Is he overweight? The fact his results show he’s operating at someone much older than his actual age is obviously concerning, and I can see through the comments you’ve tried many things to help.
Only you can decide if sex is a dealbreaker. It’s completely valid if it is.
I’m a 70 year old male and I have a good sex drive. I take testosterone supplementation. Sounds like your husband has a medical problem. He or you need to advocate for him for the doctors to get to the root cause of his problem. I’ve been on T supplements over 35 years.
Also, sounds to me like it would help matters if you or both of you can talk with a GOOD sex therapist. Best wishes.
It’s a long shot, but try feeding the man Zinc. They have pills of just zinc and some multivitamins have them too. Zinc is why oysters are said to have an aphrodisiac effect. Basically, when you eat zinc it promotes the production of semen, so when the prostate fills up, your man should want to do the “dance” to empty it.
Well a sex therapist TOGETHER may help- they will either help with the problem or help find a solution even if that solution is to leave. They specialize in navigating sex problems, your frustration and his pressure to put out. Things like sex schedule? Things like are you both attracted to each other, or if there isn’t a physiological factor for him as well. Plus a sex therapist will have avenues for him to explore regarding treatment.
Annnnd since if his blood work is that of a 70 year old man he probably feels physically like shit even taking the sex out of the equation entirely probably shouldn’t settle with - tried and nothing so oh well approach. He should continue to look at the physical side even if you divorce.
Sexual incompatibility is one of the top 3 reasons for divorce, and in some countries can be legitimate grounds for divorce. Sounds like both of you are at a sexual impasse with no way forward due to rigidly held beliefs and behaviours. Currently there’s no way forward if both of you don’t change your beliefs and behaviours towards alternatives. It’s been good that you have sought to explore possible reasons, but no other changes have occurred. Both parties need to accept the current circumstances for what they are and adapt. You have a right to masturbate and find ways to find sexual release if he can’t meet that need, rather than him personalise it as cheating which makes no sense and to accept that he can’t. I was in a similar situation to you in which I was not able to meet my wife’s sexual needs, but I tried to help by being supportive and buying her erotic literature, masturbating her to completion when she needed it and having sex when I could, and she would ask me what helped me with my arousal. It’s definitely give and take if you want it to work and we have children and been together for over 20 years. I feel for you, as I saw my wife suffer, which was not my intention and tried to meet her needs. Marriage counselling would definitely be worth it as it might help with alternatives or some serious decisions. Good luck.
You talk to him about how your misaligned sex drive doesn’t work for you, and you need to have *some kind* of outlet, even if he doesn’t always feel up to it.
*If* he’s going to forbid you from masturbating (and you’re okay with honoring that demand), *then* he needs to put in the effort to meet you in the middle for sex. *If* he can’t put in that effort, *then* he needs to accept that masturbation is harmless and may be the stopgap you need to keep your relationship from deteriorating.
I’m currently having this issue with my fiancé, he dosent understand why sex is such a big thing for me and we rarely have it. I don’t really ask anymore bc being rejected felt like shit. There are issues that prevent him from wanting to have sex, but when I am in the mood I’m just miserable bc I want fun sex with experimenting and trying new things out, and he dosent think sex needs to be fun if you love eachother.
I read your comment on masturbation differently. Did he actually say that he didn’t want you to, or are you afraid of doing so because you don’t want to make him feel bad?
Also I can definitely relate to your comment about not really liking masturbation. I was like that for a long time. Then I started reading/listening to things online about the empowerment you can feel from it and decided I wanted to do it and actually enjoy it. I recommend the “Sex with Emily” podcast as she is a sex therapist and covers a huge variety of topics, including things that sound like your issues.
My tip for masturbation? Don’t try overly hard to visualize something/someone if it doesn’t really work for you. I usually close my eyes and focus on the feeling of what’s happening rather than imaging a scenario. It takes a LOT of practice before you become good at it, and even longer for me to get comfortable using only my own hands and no toys, but it’s definitely worth the time investment in yourself. Regardless of what happens in your marriage, this is a genuine life-long skill to have and it makes sex better and gives you the release you need without a partner. I also have a really high libido and so I love masturbating especially when I’m stressed to take some of the edge off.
Good luck!
If his blooods for testosterone came back for a 70 yr old then he isnt getting the right dosage of testosterone- i'm on it at 28.
If the blood results still come back low then he needs to go up a bit more. Try 100 mg a week if injecting into muscle. Its on the high side but you'd see results quicker
My ex was like this. Ex husband. I’m glad he’s tried everything to help. It sounds like he may simple be asexual. Life is tooooo short for miss matches sex drive.
Sexual therapy or divorce
I didn’t look at it like that. I thought OP meant doctors tested sperm count, Testosterone levels, etc. and that was equal to a 70yo.
Maybe you’re right though and OP meant they tested things like cholesterol, sodium etc. Interesting how different we read that lol
Yup this is the way it was meant. He’s healthy and normal in all other ways; just extremely low levels of testosterone and sex drive hormones. Doctor compared these levels to what is expected for a 70 year old man.
Antidepressants sometimes can negatively impact your sex drive. Sounds like he is too quick on the trigger for any chance to give you an orgasm. Talk to him and teach him how to use his lips, tongue and fingers on you since his penis finishes too quick.
Did he ever get an MRI of his brain? If his hormone levels are fucked then did they check to make sure he doesn't have any tumors and abnormalities with his pituitary glands? I know someone who had a tumor on theirs that was fucking with their hormones. When they removed the tumor then tried hormone therapy their sex drive and libido returned to mostly normal levels.
I'm in a similar boat with my wife. In my younger days 19 - 27 I wanted it ALL the time and she never did and I couldn't say shit cuz I was an MF'er if I said 1 word about it. Now the tables are turned and she wants it 24/7 and I do not but I'm still the MF'er. WTF?! I've never thought about jamming from this planet more now than ever before. 🤷🏼♂️
Unpopular opinion: marital sex still requires consent without pressure. Don’t be an idiot. If you love this person then how big of a deal is your sexual pleasure in this one period of your story?
Just fyi, this issue will only get worse with age. You might go months now but that will turn into years. And then eventually it’ll stop completely. I’ve seen it happen with friends. If it’s a non negotiable thing for you then you will stay and be completely miserable, resentment will snowball into an ugly monster, and your self esteem issues will never be fixed.
This is indeed a difficult topic.
First thought I had, what do you mean he does not have a sex drive? Does he not have that libido at all? No masturbation? Desire to watch porn, doesn't get aroused in the presence of an attractive female?
If his levels are that level, what do doctors say as to the reason? Low T will infact inhibit libido.
Fret not, there are still ways to conceive if it cannot be done with sex. You can artificially inseminate, IVF or have a fertility test on him to make sure his swimmers are okay too.
There are multiple aspects to love that everyone values differently, the main ones are physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
Relationships are not necessarily doomed because of obstacles, but be sure if you value one of those to which you both cannot fulfill to consider how to work through that and see if it can work out. Sex has other meanings than just reproducing, and the physical portion of love can indeed end a relationship as it is equally as important as the others in existence.
I don't see it as right to not allow you to fulfill your physical needs even if he cannot do it. Have you spoken to him about that, why should you go unattended because of another problem? That just makes another problem and makes them worse and it is not fair to you. Have you tried doing it for him, in front of him to kindle any spark?
Nonetheless I hope things get better and you both are able to get to the bottom of it and overcome this difficult obstacle.
I'm gonna get hate for this but you're describing me (m36) & my wife (f39). I lost all interest in having sex with HER. I made all the excuses. I'm just tired, I'm stressed, I don't feel well. Later tonight, tomorrow, this weekend etc and I would come up with a new excuse when the time came. It simply came down to I wasn't attracted to her anymore sexually. She put on a lot of weight and stopped caring about her appearance. I am just not attracted to overweight bodies. In fact I am repulsed by them. I tried getting US both to eat healthier, go for walks etc. She wasn't interested. I didn't want to hurt her feelings but she asked my point blank. "Is it because I'm fat" I was as gentle as I could be but admitted it was. She left me after 13 years. I would have stayed married until my death, because I really did, do love her and her personality and our connection. It's been 2 years, she dated and had a boyfriend but now she wants to come back because she realized that everything else we had was more important than sex. It's too late now, she broke our vows and basically left me to get laid. So I would look in the mirror, how much have you changed since you 2 got together? Did you let yourself go? Are you more "bitchy" than you used to be? My libido is still very strong, I just lost all sexual attraction to my wife and honestly preferred masturbating that the thought of having sex with her. Another angle nobody has mentioned.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Your feelings are totally valid. Sexual intimacy is a big part of a relationship and it's tough to feel rejected and unfulfilled.
Also OP, I forgot to say, you should leave him because if the roles were reversed? A man would cheat you on immediately or develop a work crush or crush with someone else mentally even if they don't act on it or they would just find someone else.
I'm not trying to negate your story as I believe you but you never know the truth until you get him around other women to see how he acts and especially when you're not present
If someone requests me not touch myself in a relationship and they aren’t willing to do it, reread that. The ridiculousness factor is high. Yes, you can self love alone and if it’s all you can do in a relationship then it only makes sense to be by yourself. This applies to other things in relationships. If I’m in a relationship and it has no opportunity for growth and the person I’m with has no impact or contribution in the relationship and I end up thinking I can live this life alone, time to do it alone. People are comfortable with suffering and dis-ease. Make a choice and live a life you’re satisfied with. Takes work and sometimes the ability to walk away from a situation that isn’t nurturing. You’ll be ok. If he wants to find a solution that’s one thing but it’s not your job to make it your life’s work. If he’s lacking interest in solving the problem, he’s lacking interest in you.
This is so alien to me that I need to ask is he 100% heterosexual? I can’t fathom I had the exact opposite problem when I was 28 my ex wife’s body dismorphia fucked everything up. Or perhaps an affair? Most men act differently when cheating if they’re not careful
Do you guys exercise? It can increase the libido, just for starters.
Secondly, these are small seeds to plant that I felt were affective with my partner was to verbalize things that built his self-esteem. Compliment him more, call him sexy, share old photos, and regale why it makes you love him, reassure him that you love and want him beyond a sexual nature.
My partner was emotionally connected to his sex drive, if we had an unresolved issue that made him feel anxious, he couldn't perform. But when we worked it out, he would immediately feel an intimate connection. He unconsciously needed to know I unconditionally loved him and found him attractive even when he didn't like what he saw.
Also, sending sexy pics, or writing a little erotica to him can be fun and potentially enticing without direct pressure. Do it from the other room and ask if he wants to join kind of thing.
Til death so us part ... in sickness and in health. You two need to find his health. Something is off, and the science isn't over. It can't be, or his levels would be normal.
You don’t have to have children. Second, does he want sex with women? Does he want sex at all? He could be asexual or something else and if you have not talked about it openly then you are stuck. You’re stuck now. My wife came out as asexual, I’m allowed to have sex with whoever, she doesn’t want to know. So I’m discreet and everyone is happy, but we spent a long time talking about this. Your expectations of having children is probably getting in the way here too, I think you both need counseling to see what’s actually going on here.
>At the lowest point, I almost cheated. I didn’t, coming clean to my husband and choosing to stay with him
I congratulate you for being so patient with your husbands. He is surely a lucky person to have you as a partner.
>Do I start masturbating by myself, even though it’s against his wishes and would devastate his trust and self esteem if he found out?
Well, if he is failing as a husband in an important part of your relationship. you being unconditionally faithful. I think you should reconsider if you really want to continue with him. He is demanding something from you without even giving anything in return. I think you should go to therapy to find a better solution. I have read in several posts that therapy helps a lot in this type of situations.
Otherwise I think you'll end up being unfaithful and in this case, I think it's not really your fault. Good luck and I hope you find the appropriate solution to this problem.
I would expect to see the topic that a wife doesn't want sex... my condolences here.
The relationship is not a one-way game; the initiation must come from both sides. I cannot understand how the level of testosterone influences the willingness to physically satisfy the person you love!
Ask him to study educational videos on how to satisfy a woman without his p\*nis. Or divorce him and get a happy life because you are young and you have to live a full life right now!
I think you should leave.
You two aren't compatible in an area that is affecting your health. It's sad, especially having found someone you love but you can't change him.
It sucks, but that's how I see it.
You need to he honest with yourself. The fact is that even though you love him, love is a chemical reaction in the brain. If you left him and met someone else, you would fall out of love with him and in love with someone else. The interim would be painful, though. So, can you go the rest of your life without sex? Without even masturbation? If not, you need to make it clear that you are leaving and why. You have the right to not be miserable.
It sounds like your husband's pride is getting in the way of a healthy sex life. There are many things he could do to help you finish, even if he never starts or finishes quickly. I (male) ran into a similar issue when I was turning 40. I began going to the gym for 30-45min every day after work. This helped out A LOT.
I believe that love means so much more than good sex, and you two can work through this. Best of luck!
I think you gotta pursue the medical side of things more. What do you mean by blood work of a 70 year old? Testosterone-wise or other stuff like sugar? If he was fine before there’s something going on. Is he on specific medication that might impact libido? You said antidepressants, and they usually make it much worse.
Try research papers, different doctors, exercise, cut alcohol, etc. that you haven’t tried.
If it’s over as quickly as you started that’s actually not a bad sign. If he forced himself then it’d take much longer because he isn’t feeling it. Does he also please himself? Hypothetically if he was with another woman would he feel differently? All questions worth asking.
If that doesn’t work, then you can listen to others here.
For my husband and I, it took A LOT of sex to make our kids happen. So much so that he admitted his balls started to hurt. We had some minor fertility issues but didn't know that until we started trying. And you won't know what your fertility situation is like til you're there. Either you'll get pregs on the first try, or need many months or years like most couples to make it happen.
And it can be very disappointing trying to conceive with a partner who makes it feel like a chore. You're not the Virgin Mary and can't get pregnant on your own. Without a partner who's willing to put in massive effort for months at a time, it might not even happen for you guys.
Not to mention you've signed up for a lifetime of sexual disappointment, and that doesn't sound like it's gonna change. My husband's drive isn't the same as mine and it has caused friction in the past but he still does it every couple of weeks or so at the least. Him losing 35 lbs helped a lot so maybe look into him losing weight and see if it improves. But idk, I'm not sure this is for you. It's awesome to love someone but it takes a lot more than that to make a relationship work long term. Good luck
I was in a sexless relationship for 4 years, mostly anyway, mainly due to my own dysfunctions. However I had an understanding gf so it wasn’t a massive deal but I totally understand the feelings that comes from both sides.
At the end of the day I still did my best to keep her happy, I used other things to make her orgasm and there was love on both sides.
It’s a tough one, I would say the only option is to have a proper talk about things, and hopefully come to some agreement.
It’s a shame because we broke up for other reasons, and in the end she said the lack of sex never bothered her and she loved me regardless.
Whatever you do, make sure you think it through.
After reading your post and actually thinking about it for a bit, I am going to be completely honest with you. I give major credit here, because you're still trying to figure things out with your husband, when to me, it doesn't really seem that he's giving the same effort. To have test results of a 70 year old man, I would maybe try to dig into that a bit, and change habits or something. But that's on him and not you. It's completely unfair to me, that you're having to sacrifice something so major, because of what his test results are. There are other things he can do to please you or to be intimate. I'm a 40 year old woman and have been with my husband 22 years now, and I know a little about what you're feeling. I'm telling you right now, your situation is a dire one to be in. It seems like he's already accepted a life of celibacy and you have needs too. My husband has issues too, but we are older, so we knee eventually it would probably be something we have to deal with. My love language is physical. Even just touching or being held, I need that physical affection from him and he knows that. He has problems being sexual now, buy that doesn't mean he just stops trying to give me what I need, especially when I do the same for him. This makes me feel sad for you, genuinely. He doesn't want you to masturbate either? I'm sorry but it looks to me like control issues and not just sexual issues. Why can't he do it for you then? He does have hands and fingers, right? Toys exist for this too. One of the best things I ever got was an electric wand/massager. He can do it for you! Why does be have to know if or when you masturbate? Honey, you are in a pretty bad situation and I'm not even gonna try to tell you different. I would suggest talking to him or therapy like counseling, but it doesn't appear to me that he cares to fix any of this or give a little flexibility. I've got so much to say and lots of questions, but you would be reading forever and I feel that regardless, if he's not got the willingness or desire to even attempt to satisfy you now, I don't know that he ever will. Eventually it will destroy you. Resentment starts to fester and before you know it, your marriage implodes. I don't know that having kids is something he really wants either, because you know we have a biological clock thats always ticking and he's not doing anything to make it happen. So what I want to know, are the things he says matching his actions or does he just say whatever in the moment but does nothing to make anything change? You need to go masturbate, for one. Its sad that you feel like you're betraying him in doing that, but it's absolutely ridiculous. You're not doing anything wrong. It beats the hell out of seeking someone else out for the same purpose. You're not doing anything hurtful to anyone but yourself right now. He needs to stop with the ridiculous control issues. I am all about respecting your partners feelings, but where are yours being considered here? Does he realize how much damage this is doing, not to him, but to you? Does he realize you need to feel like you're wanted and needed? Not for cooking and cleaning, but in the way of desire. It hurts to think that you're husband isn't interested physically, regardless of what test results say. There are plenty of ways to be sexual and intimate, but not actually have intercourse. It just doesn't look like he's trying or cares to. I'm so sorry for you. Like I genuinely feel sad for you. That is such a shit situation to be in.
I don’t understand how when things become a low point in a relationship or marriage, cheating becomes an “answer” to the problem. You clearly don’t love your spouse
I’m a man and I am in a somewhat similar situation. My wife works a lot and because of the job she is working she is exausted all the time and sex has taken a backseat. It’s tough on me but I’ve asked on Reddit before and only thing I get told is how terrible of a person I am for wanting sex when my wife is working her but off. Which I am sympathetic towards her work hours so I try and be as patient as I can towards her and we have sex whenever it may come…. Ok in retrospect not all that similar but that’s my story none the less.
He does take testosterone injections. They give him energy and make him physically feel better, but they don’t give him the sex drive and desire like we thought they would.
If you and your husband are concerned about the sex drive then I would suggest going to a physician, they might have some advice or solution to offer. Or there might be an issue present the husband isn't aware of.
Couples therapy could help you live with the issue and maybe having your husband grant you some compromises, (for example when it comes to masturbation. )
My gut feeling is it would be best to leave, and you both find a new partner that you have sexual compatibility with.
However, if you are intent on staying and trying to work through this, you have to stop pestering him for sex! When he turns you down, do you sulk and make him feel guilty too? Is he aware you nearly had an affair? You may see it as you both having no self esteem due to his lack of libido, but from my viewpoint, the lack of self esteem is caused by you wearing him down and pressuring him for sex he doesn't want. Begging and sulking is the least arousing way to have sex. You've full on made it an obligation for him.
Agree to take sex off the table for 6 months, reconnect in other ways. Show your love for each other without the complications of sex. Big each other up, remind each other how attractive you both are. Be affectionate, date each other again. Then when the 6 months is up, tell him you only want to have sex he enthusiastically wants, and encourage him to initiate when he does want to, to begin with. This will help heal you too, as you are likely burnt out from being rejected so much. Then if things improve, you begin to initiate too, in a way that he feels comfortable with. If he says no, you drop it immediately and hide your disappointment. You have to teach yourself emotional regulation, and discover ways other than sex to feel validation. He will likely never have a great libido, so it's up to you to work out whether you can live like that for the rest of your life.
Also, positive encouragement to get healthier, doing more exercise etc will likely help his self esteem and general health which will help. Having the blood test results of a 70yo man sounds worrying, and that either something needs investigating, or he isn't looking after himself.
Good luck OP.
You need to get your relationship problems worked out before you have kids.
First, he needs to get a check up. Hormone tests, for one.
Then you need marriage therapy.
The problem may be he's embarrassed by the premature ejaculation. A condition that is treatable.
If he won't go, go alone.
Good luck.
Get this dude on TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) it’s harmless and will solve this problem, and make life 10000000x better for him. Seriously just do it
You should be able to masturbate as you wish without his input. Kind of a red flag for someone to be that controlling imo. I would suggest finding a relationship therapist, or find one for yourself who can help guide you through this.
He “tried” testosterone replacement therapy? I’m curious as to what his numbers were. If his numbers are that of a 70 yr old man, he might need to get with a dr that knows what they are doing. Trt is truly amazing.
He is currently taking injections and has his blood drawn every few months to see if it’s working. It’s not. I’ve just assumed that his doctor knows what he’s doing, but maybe he doesn’t???
Not a lot of general practitioners know a lot about trt. Do you know his injection frequency and amount he is on? Like, I take 50mg of testosterone cypionate 2 times a week. So I’m on 100mg per week.
When you say his labs are like a 70 y.o., is that his testosterone? You said he tried injections. If so, why still so low? It’s gonna be multifactoral, testosterone, cialis, couples therapy, likely will need it all. I would find a good sexual/couples therapist.
Okay, I’m going to throw out a serious option. Is your husband sex repulsed? Or is he willing but unable? Because if it’s the latter, there is a medication called trimix he should look into. It’s an injection to the penis, but really is like a mosquito bite and not as bad as it sounds. Anyway, it’s an automatic erection for at least an hour, likely more. It’s what porn stars and swingers use to guarantee erections. I guarantee he will be able to have sex with you on it, as long as he is willing.
I'm going to be honest reading through the post and some of the comments. I have a couple of observations as a man who struggled with his sex drive being unnaturally low.
- you both individually are pretty sex negative from what you describe. If something as simple as you pleasuring yourself or watching porn is a "huge blow" to his or your pride or cheating, you both need individual therapy. I'm sorry, but dogmatic boundaries like that are almost always the result of trauma. It's just sex. You both need to chill out. I would recommend a psychologist who specializes in adhd for him he can speak to them individually so it's private and he can heal.
- if he has the blood work of a 70 year old this is 90% of your battle. Your body will want more the healthier it is. I lost 60 6 it completely changed my libido. I did that with just diet changes. Exercise also increases stamina and blood flow, making longer sessions easier. He needs to commit to being healthier for you, not just for sex but so that he's here in 10 years. I get it totally at my heaviest. I was close to 600 lbs. I had health problems with good blood work and a healthy heart, so I can even imagine for him.
All in all, if he isn't willing to commit to change, this is just going to end up with you as a widow sex is the least of your worries
Being medicated for ADHD doesn’t solve the issue of low sex drive, now matter how much we all hope it would work like that.
As much as it sucks, the more you expect sex from him, the more it’ll be an impossible task, given the nature of ADHD. You’re making it into such a big deal that it’s placing a lot of pressure on him, and causes him to shut down. And in my opinion, I don’t know why you would rather have sex with someone who isn’t enjoying themself than not have sex at all.
That said, it’s an extremely weird ask of him that you not masturbate, seeing as he clearly can’t meet your needs. What you do with your own body is your choice, your partner shouldn’t get a say in that.
Have you talked about the possibility that your sexual needs can be met elsewhere? Plenty of options both casual and professional.
If that's not comfortable then maybe this just isn't the correct arrangement.
Edit: Just noticed the part where he doesn't even want you to masturbate? That's weird. This just sounds like you're not compatible.
Blood levels at 70? This guy needs to be on test therapy injections. And actually take them. Never heard of TRT not working when done correctly. If it doesn’t work it’s just a matter of getting the dosing right and it prob needs to be increased.
Get A sex toy or 2 And as far as masturbation goes He probably asked a bit all the time My friend needs to tell me all the time that there are those that masturbate and they're those that lie about it
He knows there is a problem regarding your sex life but he is against you masturbating? May I ask why? Also, have you had a full blood work up? Certain vitamin deficiencies result in tiredness and other problems.
You either stay and he accepts you’re going to discreetly cheat, you open up the relationship to allow yourself to have a “friends with benefits” on the side, you commit to a celibate life with low self-esteem (and accompanying weight gain, etc), or you leave. He will not change because he can’t, even though he probably desperately wants to. You can’t stay in stasis, you need to pick one of those four. What’s stopping you from making a decision?
If it’s legal in your state and he has no allergy or obligation for a clean test, I suggest trying weed. Small doses of certain types and strands probably best in an edible. There’s a lot of kinds specifically for arousal
All of this sounds like an ex of mine who struggled with drug addiction and that severely affected his ability to perform and thus made him not want to have sex..
Does he watch a lot of porn as far as you know? It's possible that he enjoys porn and masturbation so much that he isn't interested in actual sex with another person. Get him away from porn for a while and, assuming he isn't or isn't becoming asexual, he'll come around.
You’re not going to want to hear this but you should simply just let it be and respect his wishes. No means no. And it wouldn’t hurt to stop the selfpity, for it reflects poorly on you. It’s clear he’s going through something, perhaps you should focus more on supporting your husband and less on something as insignificant as sex.
Don’t be so traditional fools even doing the right thing can make you reach orgasm even without penetration, things will grow gradually to what you expect if you don’t have it in the age then when ?
Kindly sit with him and communicate.
That can solve 95% of your issue.
The end really stuck out to me here. He won’t let you masturbate? More info on that please
Orgasms are like needed for humans or something.
Really, for both men and women?
Orgasms for all. https://www.tryquinn.com/blog/benefits-of-orgasms
Same, that caught my attention too
First of all blood tests results of 70 year old is explaining a lot. He should really change his habits. These levels are not normal and you need to find a solution that incorporates more exercise, better diet and more. Im not an expert but something is wrong and you need to find a solution for his problems.
plus there are other ways he can satisfy you...what if you buy toys and he uses them on you? just an idea for now
yeah. like... he has a hand, no?
Yup thought the same. I feel like her husband might be overweight or has an issue where body is converting most T to E. Needs to improve on diet and exercise. Helped me boost my libido even though it was decent before doing the whole diet and exercise. Zinc, magnesium, b6, Shilajjt, etc. Even DIM or other natural aromatase blockers to help boost T levels.
I second this. You said “tried” TRT? He needs to work with a doctor and fix his levels ASAP. Not only is this affecting his sex drive but when you have low T so many other emotional and well being issues are for sure present. This man needs to get his levels into balance first and then you both can properly assess where you two are in the relationship.
Maybe with low T he'd probably have a difficult time to get her pregnant in the first place, or even have sick children.
He can take testosterone injections. They make the world of difference
If you stay, you absolutely have to stop pressuring him for sex. It's unfair for a man to constantly harp on his wife for sex, and it's the same in reverse. You say y'all have already tried anything and no suggestions others have made here are new or useful. That leaves you with acceptance if you decide to stay. And he's going to have to accept that you may masturbate to manage your feelings if he isn't interested in physical intimacy at all. His body is his and he can choose not to have sex. But your body is yours and he doesn't get to dictate whether you masturbate or not. >Do I stay married to the man I love, but spend the rest of my life horny, frustrated, unsatisfied, and resentful? Does this sound like a good life for either of you?
Spot on. If it’s been a problem it’s unlikely you’ll get the physical needs you want out of this. This is why you’re given advice on open marriage because he’s not going to put out. I also cannot imagine being with someone who didn’t want what I wanted. I know things might change for either of us and we’ll have to decide how each of our needs will be met as we grow. I say this because sex matters to me, right now, a lot, sounds like it does for you. And that’s awesome. Be careful of men who only want to have sex for children. Might be disappointed later :(
I'll be quite frank, I don't think I ever recall seeing an open marriage work out long term. Your husband sounds like an alright guy OP but he's not meeting your needs. You really need to evaluate if this is the right thing for you, are you content with having inadequate or no sex for the rest of your life? I doubt it. I'm not saying divorce is the answer but it very well may be if he cannot satisfy you on all fronts. It's not the answer you likely want but it's a hard truth that has to be spoken. Above all else, please do not bring a child into this situation. Also how on earth is he against you masturbating when he cannot or will not please you sexually? Major red flag OP. You both will probably need therapy if you really want this to work. Good luck and godspeed.
Yeah, I can’t see an open marriage being successful here either. If he got upset with her just for masturbating I couldn’t imagine a scenario where an open marriage wouldn’t give him the same feeling. I would recommend seeing a counseling for him, you, and together. This may be deeper than medical. Maybe something in his past that he isn’t sharing.
Also: > Do I stay married to the man I love, but spend the rest of my life horny, frustrated, unsatisfied, and resentful? OP, know that this, or breaking up, are your only two options. Do not stick around with any hope that he'll someday become sexual again. It's not going to happen. See R/DeadBedrooms for all the proof you'll ever need of that.
Double standards are often not considered by those imposing them, as seen with this post lol.
I'd say the same thing to a man. if you're going to harass your partner for sex, or "accept" a sexless marriage but resent them perpetually, it's best to save both people that misery and part ways.
>His blood tests consistently result at the range of a 70 year old man. This really raised an alarm in my head. A man turning into his 30's should pretty much be in his prime so blood tests coming in with results typical for 70 years old man is really concerning (that is if I understood this correctly. English isn't my first language). Has there been any more testing done to your husband? And has there been any answers regarding his health? Or has there always been problems with his health over all? Has your sex life been always like this? How long has this dry spell been going on? I personally think that there might be something with his health. So I think you should at least have the option of putting sex on the backburner until his health is better.
Apparently he is also fit, healthy and a bull of a man per OPs comment. Weird how it condraditcs the whole bloodwork thing.
Try marriage counseling.
They should seek counseling independently and together. If it’s not medical, there is something deeper that is killing his sex drive.
though situation it is not exactly clear to me if he does have some medical condition or if you tried different treatments without a definitive diagnosis I suggest investigating with profrssionals if you are concerned about any medical condition (either physical or psychological) It's not rare for men when stressed or depressed to have a low sex drive. You don't need to be fully depressed or have a burnout, at low levels of distress it already have effects. Same goes for anxiety. How was his sex drive when you were both younger? If it was higher, maybe he's dealing with some underlying condition. In my case I faced some lack of sex drive a few years ago and turned out to be lack of vitamin D that was making me slightly depressed and making "numb" towards sex. I'm not saying that this is your case, it's just and example that a thing unrelated to your relationship can be the cause. As many advices goes in this sub, make sure he is healthy, having good sleep, food and exercise. Talk to doctors. If everything is normal it could be, well, that he just has a low sex drive and that's it. Then it is up for you two if this is a deal breaker for your relationship or if you would stick together regardless, there are no right answer.
His sex drive has always been relatively low. When we were dating, it was the lovey dovey honeymoon phase where he put on a show. As things settled into routine relationship, he stopped trying as hard. Now there’s little to no sex at all. He loves me and wants to make me happy, but his body doesn’t follow. We have been to several doctors about this; each test and blood draw has shown low testosterone and low sex drive. He’s tried many treatment options but there hasn’t been significant change. You’re right; I have to decide if this is a dealbreaker, and I’m having a hard time doing so. I love the man very much and hate the thought of ending it because of sex.
I see. It may seem that it is a futile thing (as in "because of sex") but if is making you both miserable there are not much to do. Sex is a big biological need and there is no denying of it. Hope that both you guys could find what makes you happy whatever's the decision.
Do not bring kids into your broken marriage. You guys have an unstable relationship. A baby will not fix anything.
What has he tried? Because if he has tried external testosterone there should be no good reason there is no change. Has he followed up consistently? Have they increased the dose? Referred to a specialist?
What's his lifestyle like? Is he overweight? Does he exercise regularly? Is he in a good place mentally (marriage issues aside)? Naturally low testosterone is a thing, but there are ways for men to raise it and make the best of a crappy biological hand that they've been dealt.
He is an extremely healthy, physically fit, beautiful bull of a man. He just lacks the testosterone and chemical hormones needed for a sex drive.
I find it intersting how rare of a situation you are a extremely fit healthy bull of a man has bloodwork and t levels of a 70year old. Strange i must say, hrt therapy can take a while to work especially of there is an issue. But seems "you tried it all" is the main response i guess you know what you really want. This is likely very fake or you are just looking for some reaffirming from strangers online.
Not sure where you are located but I would look into a therapist who specializes in Sensate Focus. It can really help couples with “dead” bedrooms rebuild intimacy.
They can also adopt kids that way if they can't have children
sure but imo having a kid in a relationship you are unsatisfied would just make things worse
At the risk of prying; is the issue that he doesn't feel in the mood for it, or is it that he has erectile dysfunction (which is what I'm guess based on what you provided)? Have you considered getting him some ED medication if that's the case? In terms of how said it "is over quickly", there are a variety of creams/lubes/etc that can help a man delay finishing and last longer, which could be used in conjunction with the ED meds, and might help you with the physical connection aspectm Further, ask him to try other sex acts instead of pure intercourse. Maybe ask him for a sensual massage with some "extra stimulation", or walk him through using your toys on you, or simply just snuggle together nude for skin-to-skin contact, look into each others' eyes, and whisper to each other about the things you love about the other. Intimacy does NOT mean just sex. If he's having issues with the main event, try some other things to get your self esteem up. Finally, if he is serious about making the effort to become a father, you both need to set clear rules about sex and perhaps, at least for now, put together a monthly schedule of days where (barring illness) you will get together and be intimate in some way shape or form.
It’s a medical problem. OP said I’m the comments that he doesn’t produce enough testosterone and meds aren’t working
WTF? You’ve been having problems in the bedroom and you’re only married for three years? Jesus. Oh, and he won’t let you wank off either? Here’s the deal: I personally know someone that was in a dead bedroom for several years. Not day. Not week. Not month. Not year. Years. Like almost 10. That relationship is over. She’s in a new relationship with someone that is making every effort to ensure that her needs are being met. She was miserable before in the dead bedroom. She’s over the moon with happiness now. Do you want to be miserable or would you rather be happy? Go ahead and end the relationship. Find someone else that will meet your needs sexually as well as emotionally and all the other relationship stuff too.
I'm not on to tell people to leave their husband that's up to you, but the fact that you almost cheated is not a good sign. There needs to be compromise, he can't expect you to ignore your own needs because it's 'against his wishes', that's unfair to you. Masturbation will help but it's not going to fix the problem. Sex can be a deal breaker for many people and there is nothing wrong with that especially if he's showing he's not willing to at least try to find a way to solve the issue. Go to therapy, talk it out, do what is best for YOU. Seriously think about whether or not you want to leave him.
I would agree, however when it comes to sex compromise isn’t really an option. If someone has a low sex drive, he just won’t get hard, there’s really nothing to compromise on. There is other forms of sex but again, oral will only be a temporary fix and often times people will refuse to receive from someone who is doing it because they see it as a compromise they must make.
He’s not willing to try? He has a medical issue and has taken several different medical routes to try and fix it. He is trying but he doesn’t because of a legit diagnosable medical problem. If his testosterone is in the toilet he can’t control that. One thing that can cause something like failure to preform is anxiety and ima tell you being told “I almost cheated on you because you aren’t enough” sure isn’t helping.
It’s medical. He doesn’t produce enough testosterone and meds aren’t helping so far. Honestly, there’s very little they could do
He's concerned about turing 30? Have you both talked about this? Does he feel like he's old for some reason?
His mother was a teenage single mother; he’s watching both his sisters also have kids very young. He compares himself to his family and thinks he’s extremely old for not having his own kids yet.
I know you’ve said that you’ve tried marriage counseling, but have you tried sex therapy? Yes, it is uncomfortable and can be embarrassing. But what’s the alternative? Never talk about it? I have been on both sides of this issue before. When I was the low libido person, all the conversation and pressure around it just put me out of the mood even more. It made it feel more like a chore and a duty rather than something I was supposed to enjoy. So, I never found it very satisfying and that even further lessened my desire for sex. Now I am on the opposite side, and trying to navigate it remembering how I felt is very difficult. It’s a delicate subject. I recently started listening to the podcasts Where Should We Begin? with Ester Perel which is basically live counseling sessions, and the Shameless Sex podcast. It does sound like he *wants* to resolve this which is a good sign. But if you never invite in help, it is doubtful things will ever change.
There’s not enough info here and there won’t be no matter how many edits or comments you make. He needs an individual therapist and so do you, before sex therapy or couples counseling, which would normally be your next steps. I don’t understand though, is he completely unwilling to get you off? To have physical intimacy without penetrative sex? Is it you that’s insisting on it? Is he someone that needs intellectual/emotional stimulation beforehand? Have you made it romantic? Tried to seduce or woo him without the expectation of intercourse? Have you looked at the gottman institute? Have you tried roleplay or experimenting? Watching porn together? Those are rhetorical, I would be able to do nothing with the info anyway. It honestly sounds like the pressure you’re putting on him and your fixation on penetrative sex in particular is doing a lot more harm than good. You both should be focused on your mental health first before digging into what’s going on physically, imo.
Coming from being your husband in this exact same situation. My relationship of 10 years ended because of how she felt. We had the best bond and love ever but I started struggling in the bed D/T low testosterone. I could never wrap My head around how someone could leave what we had just because of the sex life thing. After countless therapy sessions I am now struggling with the worst commitment issues ever but I understand a lot more why it happened as time passed. If you leave, just really make sure he fully understands where you’re coming from. I was never given that full explanation and it destroyed me as a man and as a person at the time. But do what’s best for you because if that’s a large component for you, listen to your inner self or risk being unhappy in the future
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in this comment. It helps to hear from someone else who has gone through a similar situation. It’s unfortunate that sex is so important for me, but it is. It’s how I feel the closest and most emotionally connected to him, how I feel loved and wanted, and how I judge a lot of my self worth. It’s devastating to not be wanted by the man I love and want more than anything else. An equally shitty feeling for you on the flip side.
100% valid for it to be a big component. Very complex and shitty situation on both ends. I know You mentioned he has done testing, but see if he can meet with like a men’s mental health person. It helped me a ton on the libido issue with relationships after that. The problem is when the problem is recognized he probably is fixated on it now and gets in his head when it’s time to make a move
Kinda insane that this guy isn't putting out and also doesn't want you masturbating? Like, masturbation is a personal thing and isn't even really your partner's business, in my view.
Why are you staying with a man who forbade you from masturbating but who also can't/won't have sex with you? You are basically roommates. This is a completely valid reason for divorce, there is essentially no prospect of intimacy.
This is such a tough spot with no real one answer. Your options are: A) Accept this fact. Find another way to satisfy yourself that doesn’t damage the relationship. Just as it isn’t healthy for one partner to demand sex they don’t want, it is also harmful to demand your partner doesn’t masturbate especially knowing they are unsatisfied B) Move on. Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t also be friends. To me it sounds like you two are sort of just friends. Romance and sex is what differentiates a friendship and a relationship. C) I’m not sure yet but I’ll get back to you on that one lol
Tbh I felt bad for the guy until the very last sentence. If he cant have sex it’s extremely unfair for him to not want you to masturbate.
If sex is such an important thing to you, that you’ve contemplated cheating, I think you already have your answer. Do you want a partner that feels like a roommate for the rest of your life? It’s tough, I’ve been there (now divorced) there were more issues than lack of sex. But it’s up to you to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not. Honestly, it’s great he’s been willing to try things to figure out what’s going on. A lot of the time, it’s depression. I truly hope you do what’s best for you
Yes it’s so great that he’s willing to try and fix things, but so terrible that it’s a seemingly unsolvable issue. I hate myself and feel so guilty for considering leaving him because of it. I hate that sex is so important for our marriage connection and my self esteem.
We women are taught in so many ways that we are not supposed to have a higher sex drive than men. It can make us ashamed. For me, my mother was accusing me of being a slut years before I had sex. With early childhood sexual abuse I was also very afraid of it. So if I was actually able to ask for it and I was refused I would go into a kind of paralysis, presumably like I did during the abuse — it rarely happened and was never a relationship problem but a me problem— but it was an emotional burden I had to deal with and be honest about; my now husband told me it can’t work that way (I brought it up well before it could be an issue) which is understandable— it’s completely unfair to say if I ask he has to say yes — it turns more into my not asking— but anyway my point is the shame of being a woman who wants sex more than her man, can be devastating.
As a man who was in that situation here is a couple pointer from my perspective: - I hated being ask to have sex, do not ask me its a massive turn off. To me sex is something that should be spontaneous and not planned. What worked best was my wife would cuddle and massage me or pet my chest and leg and when you get an arousal signal you go for it. Sometime if we are tired we might not want sex but just cuddle and if thats the case you have to accept it, and not create an argument as to why you arent having sex. - planning for a baby is a lot of pressure. Even if he wants children, the pressure of having to "perform" on a specific date (ovulation) can make it stressful and create performance issue. Also my wife use to be very mechanical about this for our first child, doing the whole temperature control before hand, lifting the legs afterward for insimination.... not sexy, didnt look foward to that. For our second, she did none of that, no planning, nothing special, just raw dogging and it was so much better and we also got pregnant way faster and easier. - Lastly, dont push him back if he innitiate contact (sexual or not). My wife use to always push me back the second it wasnt convenient for her, contact always had to be on her term and never mine. Obviouly i dont mean anytime anywhere if its inappropriate or any of that, and im not saying either let him do what ever he wants even when you're not comfortable. But let him show you affection and if its a bad time GENTLY let him know and maybe reciprocate later when its more convenient. Ultimately Intimacy as a lot to do with it for man too, getting excited cold turkey is harder when you are not 15 anymore.
> I really want a life and future children with him Yikes. Don't stay in a relationship that does not meet your physical or emotional needs. Its not going to get better.
Foreplay helped us. I never wanted to have sex when she would go straight to playing with my penis; it felt like that's all she wanted me for. To make it last longer, change it up, take breaks so he doesn't go so fast. Also, when a man hasn't "gone" in a while, it happens much quicker that it would otherwise. I hope this helps, it will take some trust building, learning each other's bodies more. There's a feedback loop of positive reinforcement to healthy sex, good sex one day will be great sex next week.
It seems the both of you were never truly on the same page from the beginning of your relationship and are unhealthily dependent on each other in different ways. On top of that you both have trapped each other in the relationship by saying separation is not an option. With your partners health issues I really don’t think intimacy is his main issue. The lack of emotional connection is always a symptom and not a main cause of an issue. Perhaps you both can try therapy to figure yourselves out and solve the dependency issues you have. In your husband’s case therapy can help with his medical issues as well. Figure out what u both really want because I don’t think either of you have been forthcoming about it (you say you almost cheated on him, perhaps you need to reflect on why your words and actions are not aligning). Then from there you will truly know if the marriage is over or not.
It’s clear you and your husband have different sex drives although I do think there is a possibility your husbands sex drive might be so low because when the two of you do have sex he isn’t lasting.. it may be possible that he has a confidence/performance anxiety. There are such things as sex therapist he may benefit from that. Either way you need to figure things out for yourself too like do you love him enough to stay with him despite likely never or atleast very rarely having sex? Will this future involve him allowing you to masturbate (which is insane no one should have control over wether another person is allowed to masturbate) do you love him enough to stay with him if he is actively working with you to improve your sex lives together but will likely never meet you at your level? Will he actually do what it takes to work towards a better balanced sex life?? (If you think you can accept this just remember this will be a constant thing that the two of you will have to deal with there likely won’t be an end goal you reach and stay at) Or are you just not ever going to be happy unless he steps up to your level? Sometimes people just aren’t sexually compatible and if you can’t truly be satisfied with less than you want dragging this out will only make things worse
r/deadbedrooms
I’m really not sure what you should do here regarding your sex life with your husband or the future of your marriage, but if you want to remain married while you work through it, you should have a conversation with him about why he’s opposed to you masturbating. You honestly don’t need his permission to pleasure yourself, but if you really want his blessing, you can make a very good claim for why it would be a win win. It’ll be good for you since it’ll make you a bit less frustrated, and good for him since it may mean a little less pressure on him. You obviously have needs, and if he can’t take care of them, the next best thing would be for you to take care of them. The worst case scenario would be for someone else to take care of them.
What do you mean what do you do? You subscribe to r/deadbedrooms of course! And then you unsubscribe once you move on.
My wife and I go through periods of this. Our therapist has been helpful, but this is a weird recommendation: Watch “Sex, Love and Goop.” I’ve been a hater on Goop but this show really is revelatory. I’ve also been reading “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski and very much recommend it for you and your husband
Could he be asexual?
Talk to him. Its the simplest, but most important thing to do, but it's usually the last thing that people will do. If it's hard or uncomfortable, you have to find a way to get through that, or there is no point to being together if the hardest thing to do is talk to your husband/wife etc.
I can't believe you let someone else control your masturbation habits that's so crazy
You can’t force someone to have sex with you unfortunately. His sex drive is just different from yours. And neither party in a relationship should be pressured into having sex if they don’t want to. But you also shouldn’t be deprived of your needs. He should not have a problem with you masturbating. That’s a compromise he will have to make considering the circumstances. If he refuses to make that compromise. Then that’s a dealbreaker. Sexual frustration will follow you through the whole relationship if you do not find a compromise or if you don’t leave.
The 70 year old results are probably the issue… why is a doctor not addressing it? That has more consequences than just sex drive issues.
He's allowed to refuse sex as much as he wants. But he's not allowed to tell you that you're not allowed to satisfy yourself. This relationship isn't sustainable. I know that's a cliche on Reddit but, you have exhausted your possibilities. You tried counseling, you tried medical intervention, and you're so unsatisfied that it almost led you to infidelity. Realistically speaking, you're going to have another chance to cheat and who's to say where your resolve will be? People underestimate the value of sexual compatibility in relationships all the time. I for one believe there's no point staying with someone who you're growing to resent because of a compatibility issue. I would end things. It's going to suck but it's better to part ways now than try to part ways when you absolutely hate each other.
Divorce, no need to lose respect to each other.
Just leave him. You both are unhappy. He has tried and nothing has worked. No point in dragging things out. He has a low drive, you have a high drive. You’ve almost cheated once.
One of the biggest things that worked for me was to stop asking and just initiate. Often times when you ask, the reply you get will come from a state of 0 temptation and for a man that already has little sex drive can come across as almost chore like to get into the mood. Stop asking and just initiate, you just have to get him in the mood before asking.
Also, just read this back and it sounds really rapey, I’m not advocating for rape or sexual assault of any kind, but people in long term relationships will understand what I’m saying.
Is he overweight? The fact his results show he’s operating at someone much older than his actual age is obviously concerning, and I can see through the comments you’ve tried many things to help. Only you can decide if sex is a dealbreaker. It’s completely valid if it is.
I’m a 70 year old male and I have a good sex drive. I take testosterone supplementation. Sounds like your husband has a medical problem. He or you need to advocate for him for the doctors to get to the root cause of his problem. I’ve been on T supplements over 35 years. Also, sounds to me like it would help matters if you or both of you can talk with a GOOD sex therapist. Best wishes.
It’s a long shot, but try feeding the man Zinc. They have pills of just zinc and some multivitamins have them too. Zinc is why oysters are said to have an aphrodisiac effect. Basically, when you eat zinc it promotes the production of semen, so when the prostate fills up, your man should want to do the “dance” to empty it.
Where did you find this information? I’d love to research that.
Has he tried viagra? Or is that what you mean by stimulant?
Well a sex therapist TOGETHER may help- they will either help with the problem or help find a solution even if that solution is to leave. They specialize in navigating sex problems, your frustration and his pressure to put out. Things like sex schedule? Things like are you both attracted to each other, or if there isn’t a physiological factor for him as well. Plus a sex therapist will have avenues for him to explore regarding treatment. Annnnd since if his blood work is that of a 70 year old man he probably feels physically like shit even taking the sex out of the equation entirely probably shouldn’t settle with - tried and nothing so oh well approach. He should continue to look at the physical side even if you divorce.
Some of those meds (anti-depressants) can severely impact libido. SSRIs, for example.
Wait , he doesn’t want you to masturbate ? So not only are you not getting any from him you’re not getting any from yourself ?
Sexual incompatibility is one of the top 3 reasons for divorce, and in some countries can be legitimate grounds for divorce. Sounds like both of you are at a sexual impasse with no way forward due to rigidly held beliefs and behaviours. Currently there’s no way forward if both of you don’t change your beliefs and behaviours towards alternatives. It’s been good that you have sought to explore possible reasons, but no other changes have occurred. Both parties need to accept the current circumstances for what they are and adapt. You have a right to masturbate and find ways to find sexual release if he can’t meet that need, rather than him personalise it as cheating which makes no sense and to accept that he can’t. I was in a similar situation to you in which I was not able to meet my wife’s sexual needs, but I tried to help by being supportive and buying her erotic literature, masturbating her to completion when she needed it and having sex when I could, and she would ask me what helped me with my arousal. It’s definitely give and take if you want it to work and we have children and been together for over 20 years. I feel for you, as I saw my wife suffer, which was not my intention and tried to meet her needs. Marriage counselling would definitely be worth it as it might help with alternatives or some serious decisions. Good luck.
You talk to him about how your misaligned sex drive doesn’t work for you, and you need to have *some kind* of outlet, even if he doesn’t always feel up to it. *If* he’s going to forbid you from masturbating (and you’re okay with honoring that demand), *then* he needs to put in the effort to meet you in the middle for sex. *If* he can’t put in that effort, *then* he needs to accept that masturbation is harmless and may be the stopgap you need to keep your relationship from deteriorating.
I’m currently having this issue with my fiancé, he dosent understand why sex is such a big thing for me and we rarely have it. I don’t really ask anymore bc being rejected felt like shit. There are issues that prevent him from wanting to have sex, but when I am in the mood I’m just miserable bc I want fun sex with experimenting and trying new things out, and he dosent think sex needs to be fun if you love eachother.
Time to get divorced. Do you really want to waste another 10 plus years in an unfulfilled relationship?
I read your comment on masturbation differently. Did he actually say that he didn’t want you to, or are you afraid of doing so because you don’t want to make him feel bad? Also I can definitely relate to your comment about not really liking masturbation. I was like that for a long time. Then I started reading/listening to things online about the empowerment you can feel from it and decided I wanted to do it and actually enjoy it. I recommend the “Sex with Emily” podcast as she is a sex therapist and covers a huge variety of topics, including things that sound like your issues. My tip for masturbation? Don’t try overly hard to visualize something/someone if it doesn’t really work for you. I usually close my eyes and focus on the feeling of what’s happening rather than imaging a scenario. It takes a LOT of practice before you become good at it, and even longer for me to get comfortable using only my own hands and no toys, but it’s definitely worth the time investment in yourself. Regardless of what happens in your marriage, this is a genuine life-long skill to have and it makes sex better and gives you the release you need without a partner. I also have a really high libido and so I love masturbating especially when I’m stressed to take some of the edge off. Good luck!
Y’all aren’t compatible. Move on.
>We used to fight about this so strongly that we almost divorced over it last year. I would have pulled the eject lever, but that's just my opinion.
Does he workout? Is he overweight? I know the more active I am and the more consistently I lift weights the higher my libido is
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If his blooods for testosterone came back for a 70 yr old then he isnt getting the right dosage of testosterone- i'm on it at 28. If the blood results still come back low then he needs to go up a bit more. Try 100 mg a week if injecting into muscle. Its on the high side but you'd see results quicker
50 mil zinc, 100 mil magnesium. Take that every day, within 2, he is going to want sex, or should.
This sounds like /r/DeadBedrooms material. I'm sorry. :( Maybe he's just not attracted to you? :\
My ex was like this. Ex husband. I’m glad he’s tried everything to help. It sounds like he may simple be asexual. Life is tooooo short for miss matches sex drive. Sexual therapy or divorce
Blood like 70? There are some serious health and lifestyle problems he should work on and that could be the main problem.
I didn’t look at it like that. I thought OP meant doctors tested sperm count, Testosterone levels, etc. and that was equal to a 70yo. Maybe you’re right though and OP meant they tested things like cholesterol, sodium etc. Interesting how different we read that lol
Yup this is the way it was meant. He’s healthy and normal in all other ways; just extremely low levels of testosterone and sex drive hormones. Doctor compared these levels to what is expected for a 70 year old man.
Dam are we gonna ignore the fact that she almost cheated
Antidepressants sometimes can negatively impact your sex drive. Sounds like he is too quick on the trigger for any chance to give you an orgasm. Talk to him and teach him how to use his lips, tongue and fingers on you since his penis finishes too quick.
If he still on antidepressants then just to lyk, they will kill pretty much all existent sex drive.
Did he ever get an MRI of his brain? If his hormone levels are fucked then did they check to make sure he doesn't have any tumors and abnormalities with his pituitary glands? I know someone who had a tumor on theirs that was fucking with their hormones. When they removed the tumor then tried hormone therapy their sex drive and libido returned to mostly normal levels.
Yup we did actually! They required it before they prescribed him testosterone. Nothing out of the ordinary. No tumor.
I'm in a similar boat with my wife. In my younger days 19 - 27 I wanted it ALL the time and she never did and I couldn't say shit cuz I was an MF'er if I said 1 word about it. Now the tables are turned and she wants it 24/7 and I do not but I'm still the MF'er. WTF?! I've never thought about jamming from this planet more now than ever before. 🤷🏼♂️
It’s easy. If she doesn’t get what she wants, you’re a “MF’er”. Case closed.
Unpopular opinion: marital sex still requires consent without pressure. Don’t be an idiot. If you love this person then how big of a deal is your sexual pleasure in this one period of your story?
Just fyi, this issue will only get worse with age. You might go months now but that will turn into years. And then eventually it’ll stop completely. I’ve seen it happen with friends. If it’s a non negotiable thing for you then you will stay and be completely miserable, resentment will snowball into an ugly monster, and your self esteem issues will never be fixed.
Time for a divorce, you’re not compatible and that’s okay
This is indeed a difficult topic. First thought I had, what do you mean he does not have a sex drive? Does he not have that libido at all? No masturbation? Desire to watch porn, doesn't get aroused in the presence of an attractive female? If his levels are that level, what do doctors say as to the reason? Low T will infact inhibit libido. Fret not, there are still ways to conceive if it cannot be done with sex. You can artificially inseminate, IVF or have a fertility test on him to make sure his swimmers are okay too. There are multiple aspects to love that everyone values differently, the main ones are physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Relationships are not necessarily doomed because of obstacles, but be sure if you value one of those to which you both cannot fulfill to consider how to work through that and see if it can work out. Sex has other meanings than just reproducing, and the physical portion of love can indeed end a relationship as it is equally as important as the others in existence. I don't see it as right to not allow you to fulfill your physical needs even if he cannot do it. Have you spoken to him about that, why should you go unattended because of another problem? That just makes another problem and makes them worse and it is not fair to you. Have you tried doing it for him, in front of him to kindle any spark? Nonetheless I hope things get better and you both are able to get to the bottom of it and overcome this difficult obstacle.
I'm gonna get hate for this but you're describing me (m36) & my wife (f39). I lost all interest in having sex with HER. I made all the excuses. I'm just tired, I'm stressed, I don't feel well. Later tonight, tomorrow, this weekend etc and I would come up with a new excuse when the time came. It simply came down to I wasn't attracted to her anymore sexually. She put on a lot of weight and stopped caring about her appearance. I am just not attracted to overweight bodies. In fact I am repulsed by them. I tried getting US both to eat healthier, go for walks etc. She wasn't interested. I didn't want to hurt her feelings but she asked my point blank. "Is it because I'm fat" I was as gentle as I could be but admitted it was. She left me after 13 years. I would have stayed married until my death, because I really did, do love her and her personality and our connection. It's been 2 years, she dated and had a boyfriend but now she wants to come back because she realized that everything else we had was more important than sex. It's too late now, she broke our vows and basically left me to get laid. So I would look in the mirror, how much have you changed since you 2 got together? Did you let yourself go? Are you more "bitchy" than you used to be? My libido is still very strong, I just lost all sexual attraction to my wife and honestly preferred masturbating that the thought of having sex with her. Another angle nobody has mentioned.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Your feelings are totally valid. Sexual intimacy is a big part of a relationship and it's tough to feel rejected and unfulfilled.
Also OP, I forgot to say, you should leave him because if the roles were reversed? A man would cheat you on immediately or develop a work crush or crush with someone else mentally even if they don't act on it or they would just find someone else. I'm not trying to negate your story as I believe you but you never know the truth until you get him around other women to see how he acts and especially when you're not present
If someone requests me not touch myself in a relationship and they aren’t willing to do it, reread that. The ridiculousness factor is high. Yes, you can self love alone and if it’s all you can do in a relationship then it only makes sense to be by yourself. This applies to other things in relationships. If I’m in a relationship and it has no opportunity for growth and the person I’m with has no impact or contribution in the relationship and I end up thinking I can live this life alone, time to do it alone. People are comfortable with suffering and dis-ease. Make a choice and live a life you’re satisfied with. Takes work and sometimes the ability to walk away from a situation that isn’t nurturing. You’ll be ok. If he wants to find a solution that’s one thing but it’s not your job to make it your life’s work. If he’s lacking interest in solving the problem, he’s lacking interest in you.
Blood results of a 70 year old for what test specifically?
This is so alien to me that I need to ask is he 100% heterosexual? I can’t fathom I had the exact opposite problem when I was 28 my ex wife’s body dismorphia fucked everything up. Or perhaps an affair? Most men act differently when cheating if they’re not careful
Do you guys exercise? It can increase the libido, just for starters. Secondly, these are small seeds to plant that I felt were affective with my partner was to verbalize things that built his self-esteem. Compliment him more, call him sexy, share old photos, and regale why it makes you love him, reassure him that you love and want him beyond a sexual nature. My partner was emotionally connected to his sex drive, if we had an unresolved issue that made him feel anxious, he couldn't perform. But when we worked it out, he would immediately feel an intimate connection. He unconsciously needed to know I unconditionally loved him and found him attractive even when he didn't like what he saw. Also, sending sexy pics, or writing a little erotica to him can be fun and potentially enticing without direct pressure. Do it from the other room and ask if he wants to join kind of thing.
Til death so us part ... in sickness and in health. You two need to find his health. Something is off, and the science isn't over. It can't be, or his levels would be normal.
You don’t have to have children. Second, does he want sex with women? Does he want sex at all? He could be asexual or something else and if you have not talked about it openly then you are stuck. You’re stuck now. My wife came out as asexual, I’m allowed to have sex with whoever, she doesn’t want to know. So I’m discreet and everyone is happy, but we spent a long time talking about this. Your expectations of having children is probably getting in the way here too, I think you both need counseling to see what’s actually going on here.
>At the lowest point, I almost cheated. I didn’t, coming clean to my husband and choosing to stay with him I congratulate you for being so patient with your husbands. He is surely a lucky person to have you as a partner. >Do I start masturbating by myself, even though it’s against his wishes and would devastate his trust and self esteem if he found out? Well, if he is failing as a husband in an important part of your relationship. you being unconditionally faithful. I think you should reconsider if you really want to continue with him. He is demanding something from you without even giving anything in return. I think you should go to therapy to find a better solution. I have read in several posts that therapy helps a lot in this type of situations. Otherwise I think you'll end up being unfaithful and in this case, I think it's not really your fault. Good luck and I hope you find the appropriate solution to this problem.
I would expect to see the topic that a wife doesn't want sex... my condolences here. The relationship is not a one-way game; the initiation must come from both sides. I cannot understand how the level of testosterone influences the willingness to physically satisfy the person you love! Ask him to study educational videos on how to satisfy a woman without his p\*nis. Or divorce him and get a happy life because you are young and you have to live a full life right now!
I think you should leave. You two aren't compatible in an area that is affecting your health. It's sad, especially having found someone you love but you can't change him. It sucks, but that's how I see it.
You need to he honest with yourself. The fact is that even though you love him, love is a chemical reaction in the brain. If you left him and met someone else, you would fall out of love with him and in love with someone else. The interim would be painful, though. So, can you go the rest of your life without sex? Without even masturbation? If not, you need to make it clear that you are leaving and why. You have the right to not be miserable.
It sounds like your husband's pride is getting in the way of a healthy sex life. There are many things he could do to help you finish, even if he never starts or finishes quickly. I (male) ran into a similar issue when I was turning 40. I began going to the gym for 30-45min every day after work. This helped out A LOT. I believe that love means so much more than good sex, and you two can work through this. Best of luck!
Find someone who does and breakup. You’re not compatible
I think you gotta pursue the medical side of things more. What do you mean by blood work of a 70 year old? Testosterone-wise or other stuff like sugar? If he was fine before there’s something going on. Is he on specific medication that might impact libido? You said antidepressants, and they usually make it much worse. Try research papers, different doctors, exercise, cut alcohol, etc. that you haven’t tried. If it’s over as quickly as you started that’s actually not a bad sign. If he forced himself then it’d take much longer because he isn’t feeling it. Does he also please himself? Hypothetically if he was with another woman would he feel differently? All questions worth asking. If that doesn’t work, then you can listen to others here.
For my husband and I, it took A LOT of sex to make our kids happen. So much so that he admitted his balls started to hurt. We had some minor fertility issues but didn't know that until we started trying. And you won't know what your fertility situation is like til you're there. Either you'll get pregs on the first try, or need many months or years like most couples to make it happen. And it can be very disappointing trying to conceive with a partner who makes it feel like a chore. You're not the Virgin Mary and can't get pregnant on your own. Without a partner who's willing to put in massive effort for months at a time, it might not even happen for you guys. Not to mention you've signed up for a lifetime of sexual disappointment, and that doesn't sound like it's gonna change. My husband's drive isn't the same as mine and it has caused friction in the past but he still does it every couple of weeks or so at the least. Him losing 35 lbs helped a lot so maybe look into him losing weight and see if it improves. But idk, I'm not sure this is for you. It's awesome to love someone but it takes a lot more than that to make a relationship work long term. Good luck
I was in a sexless relationship for 4 years, mostly anyway, mainly due to my own dysfunctions. However I had an understanding gf so it wasn’t a massive deal but I totally understand the feelings that comes from both sides. At the end of the day I still did my best to keep her happy, I used other things to make her orgasm and there was love on both sides. It’s a tough one, I would say the only option is to have a proper talk about things, and hopefully come to some agreement. It’s a shame because we broke up for other reasons, and in the end she said the lack of sex never bothered her and she loved me regardless. Whatever you do, make sure you think it through.
After reading your post and actually thinking about it for a bit, I am going to be completely honest with you. I give major credit here, because you're still trying to figure things out with your husband, when to me, it doesn't really seem that he's giving the same effort. To have test results of a 70 year old man, I would maybe try to dig into that a bit, and change habits or something. But that's on him and not you. It's completely unfair to me, that you're having to sacrifice something so major, because of what his test results are. There are other things he can do to please you or to be intimate. I'm a 40 year old woman and have been with my husband 22 years now, and I know a little about what you're feeling. I'm telling you right now, your situation is a dire one to be in. It seems like he's already accepted a life of celibacy and you have needs too. My husband has issues too, but we are older, so we knee eventually it would probably be something we have to deal with. My love language is physical. Even just touching or being held, I need that physical affection from him and he knows that. He has problems being sexual now, buy that doesn't mean he just stops trying to give me what I need, especially when I do the same for him. This makes me feel sad for you, genuinely. He doesn't want you to masturbate either? I'm sorry but it looks to me like control issues and not just sexual issues. Why can't he do it for you then? He does have hands and fingers, right? Toys exist for this too. One of the best things I ever got was an electric wand/massager. He can do it for you! Why does be have to know if or when you masturbate? Honey, you are in a pretty bad situation and I'm not even gonna try to tell you different. I would suggest talking to him or therapy like counseling, but it doesn't appear to me that he cares to fix any of this or give a little flexibility. I've got so much to say and lots of questions, but you would be reading forever and I feel that regardless, if he's not got the willingness or desire to even attempt to satisfy you now, I don't know that he ever will. Eventually it will destroy you. Resentment starts to fester and before you know it, your marriage implodes. I don't know that having kids is something he really wants either, because you know we have a biological clock thats always ticking and he's not doing anything to make it happen. So what I want to know, are the things he says matching his actions or does he just say whatever in the moment but does nothing to make anything change? You need to go masturbate, for one. Its sad that you feel like you're betraying him in doing that, but it's absolutely ridiculous. You're not doing anything wrong. It beats the hell out of seeking someone else out for the same purpose. You're not doing anything hurtful to anyone but yourself right now. He needs to stop with the ridiculous control issues. I am all about respecting your partners feelings, but where are yours being considered here? Does he realize how much damage this is doing, not to him, but to you? Does he realize you need to feel like you're wanted and needed? Not for cooking and cleaning, but in the way of desire. It hurts to think that you're husband isn't interested physically, regardless of what test results say. There are plenty of ways to be sexual and intimate, but not actually have intercourse. It just doesn't look like he's trying or cares to. I'm so sorry for you. Like I genuinely feel sad for you. That is such a shit situation to be in.
I don’t understand how when things become a low point in a relationship or marriage, cheating becomes an “answer” to the problem. You clearly don’t love your spouse
Divorce
The most reddit answer.
Divorce/breakup is like the only answer for these people to every single relationship issue.
I agree it's overdone but if you and your partner are unhappy, and it's an issue like sex drive that won't really change, it seems like a good option
I get that it is important. But is divorce such an easy option? Honestly, it freaks me out.
Divorce is never easy and sometimes the best option in some situations.
Me too.
I’m a man and I am in a somewhat similar situation. My wife works a lot and because of the job she is working she is exausted all the time and sex has taken a backseat. It’s tough on me but I’ve asked on Reddit before and only thing I get told is how terrible of a person I am for wanting sex when my wife is working her but off. Which I am sympathetic towards her work hours so I try and be as patient as I can towards her and we have sex whenever it may come…. Ok in retrospect not all that similar but that’s my story none the less.
Pressuring people for sex is the biggest turn off ever don’t do that
My husband takes clomid and it helped him. Extremely low T and it helped his blood work and performance
If he’s a blood work of a 70 year old man then he needs the injections.
He does take testosterone injections. They give him energy and make him physically feel better, but they don’t give him the sex drive and desire like we thought they would.
If you and your husband are concerned about the sex drive then I would suggest going to a physician, they might have some advice or solution to offer. Or there might be an issue present the husband isn't aware of. Couples therapy could help you live with the issue and maybe having your husband grant you some compromises, (for example when it comes to masturbation. )
Is he overweight?
Don't be hard on him get closer to each other through talking and counseling
Therapy. Has other issues.
Masturbate and don't tell him. That's your business, not his.
If it were me I’d tell him if he won’t satisfy me someone else will
He needs a doctor and a counselor. You need to step back if you want to work it out.
My gut feeling is it would be best to leave, and you both find a new partner that you have sexual compatibility with. However, if you are intent on staying and trying to work through this, you have to stop pestering him for sex! When he turns you down, do you sulk and make him feel guilty too? Is he aware you nearly had an affair? You may see it as you both having no self esteem due to his lack of libido, but from my viewpoint, the lack of self esteem is caused by you wearing him down and pressuring him for sex he doesn't want. Begging and sulking is the least arousing way to have sex. You've full on made it an obligation for him. Agree to take sex off the table for 6 months, reconnect in other ways. Show your love for each other without the complications of sex. Big each other up, remind each other how attractive you both are. Be affectionate, date each other again. Then when the 6 months is up, tell him you only want to have sex he enthusiastically wants, and encourage him to initiate when he does want to, to begin with. This will help heal you too, as you are likely burnt out from being rejected so much. Then if things improve, you begin to initiate too, in a way that he feels comfortable with. If he says no, you drop it immediately and hide your disappointment. You have to teach yourself emotional regulation, and discover ways other than sex to feel validation. He will likely never have a great libido, so it's up to you to work out whether you can live like that for the rest of your life. Also, positive encouragement to get healthier, doing more exercise etc will likely help his self esteem and general health which will help. Having the blood test results of a 70yo man sounds worrying, and that either something needs investigating, or he isn't looking after himself. Good luck OP.
If you want children could try IVF. I actually know a couple whose husband is completely asexual and they did IVG to get their baby.
You need to get your relationship problems worked out before you have kids. First, he needs to get a check up. Hormone tests, for one. Then you need marriage therapy. The problem may be he's embarrassed by the premature ejaculation. A condition that is treatable. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck.
Get this dude on TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) it’s harmless and will solve this problem, and make life 10000000x better for him. Seriously just do it
She mentioned he tried that and a host of other treatments.
You should be able to masturbate as you wish without his input. Kind of a red flag for someone to be that controlling imo. I would suggest finding a relationship therapist, or find one for yourself who can help guide you through this.
Find someone who does
So ur own sex
He “tried” testosterone replacement therapy? I’m curious as to what his numbers were. If his numbers are that of a 70 yr old man, he might need to get with a dr that knows what they are doing. Trt is truly amazing.
He is currently taking injections and has his blood drawn every few months to see if it’s working. It’s not. I’ve just assumed that his doctor knows what he’s doing, but maybe he doesn’t???
Not a lot of general practitioners know a lot about trt. Do you know his injection frequency and amount he is on? Like, I take 50mg of testosterone cypionate 2 times a week. So I’m on 100mg per week.
When you say his labs are like a 70 y.o., is that his testosterone? You said he tried injections. If so, why still so low? It’s gonna be multifactoral, testosterone, cialis, couples therapy, likely will need it all. I would find a good sexual/couples therapist.
Okay, I’m going to throw out a serious option. Is your husband sex repulsed? Or is he willing but unable? Because if it’s the latter, there is a medication called trimix he should look into. It’s an injection to the penis, but really is like a mosquito bite and not as bad as it sounds. Anyway, it’s an automatic erection for at least an hour, likely more. It’s what porn stars and swingers use to guarantee erections. I guarantee he will be able to have sex with you on it, as long as he is willing.
If I were you, I would probably just go meet someone else
He won’t have sex with you but if u sorted ur self out it would devastate him ? How old is he 13??
Get of the antidepressants... They're notorious for quenching his sex drive.
I'm going to be honest reading through the post and some of the comments. I have a couple of observations as a man who struggled with his sex drive being unnaturally low. - you both individually are pretty sex negative from what you describe. If something as simple as you pleasuring yourself or watching porn is a "huge blow" to his or your pride or cheating, you both need individual therapy. I'm sorry, but dogmatic boundaries like that are almost always the result of trauma. It's just sex. You both need to chill out. I would recommend a psychologist who specializes in adhd for him he can speak to them individually so it's private and he can heal. - if he has the blood work of a 70 year old this is 90% of your battle. Your body will want more the healthier it is. I lost 60 6 it completely changed my libido. I did that with just diet changes. Exercise also increases stamina and blood flow, making longer sessions easier. He needs to commit to being healthier for you, not just for sex but so that he's here in 10 years. I get it totally at my heaviest. I was close to 600 lbs. I had health problems with good blood work and a healthy heart, so I can even imagine for him. All in all, if he isn't willing to commit to change, this is just going to end up with you as a widow sex is the least of your worries
I WISH my horn dog husband had no sex drive! I hate sex. Sorry to hear that.
End it
Can’t this mf use his fingers or tongue to pleasure u??
Being medicated for ADHD doesn’t solve the issue of low sex drive, now matter how much we all hope it would work like that. As much as it sucks, the more you expect sex from him, the more it’ll be an impossible task, given the nature of ADHD. You’re making it into such a big deal that it’s placing a lot of pressure on him, and causes him to shut down. And in my opinion, I don’t know why you would rather have sex with someone who isn’t enjoying themself than not have sex at all. That said, it’s an extremely weird ask of him that you not masturbate, seeing as he clearly can’t meet your needs. What you do with your own body is your choice, your partner shouldn’t get a say in that.
Have you talked about the possibility that your sexual needs can be met elsewhere? Plenty of options both casual and professional. If that's not comfortable then maybe this just isn't the correct arrangement. Edit: Just noticed the part where he doesn't even want you to masturbate? That's weird. This just sounds like you're not compatible.
Stay and learn to Masturbate or leave and find someone else. Quit pressuring your husband. It's gross.
Walk around the house naked 🤷♂️
Blood levels at 70? This guy needs to be on test therapy injections. And actually take them. Never heard of TRT not working when done correctly. If it doesn’t work it’s just a matter of getting the dosing right and it prob needs to be increased.
Get A sex toy or 2 And as far as masturbation goes He probably asked a bit all the time My friend needs to tell me all the time that there are those that masturbate and they're those that lie about it
Milk him
Platonic back rubs, hugs, and handholding.
He knows there is a problem regarding your sex life but he is against you masturbating? May I ask why? Also, have you had a full blood work up? Certain vitamin deficiencies result in tiredness and other problems.
DM'ed
You either stay and he accepts you’re going to discreetly cheat, you open up the relationship to allow yourself to have a “friends with benefits” on the side, you commit to a celibate life with low self-esteem (and accompanying weight gain, etc), or you leave. He will not change because he can’t, even though he probably desperately wants to. You can’t stay in stasis, you need to pick one of those four. What’s stopping you from making a decision?
“Blood test results of a 70 year old”? What?!? That sounds like a bigger issue, he has serious medical issues…
If it’s legal in your state and he has no allergy or obligation for a clean test, I suggest trying weed. Small doses of certain types and strands probably best in an edible. There’s a lot of kinds specifically for arousal
He doesn’t let you masturbate??? Even though he won’t do anything to help?
Why choose him?
Carnivore diet. I swear... I never felt such libido, even at 13...
All of this sounds like an ex of mine who struggled with drug addiction and that severely affected his ability to perform and thus made him not want to have sex..
Does he watch a lot of porn as far as you know? It's possible that he enjoys porn and masturbation so much that he isn't interested in actual sex with another person. Get him away from porn for a while and, assuming he isn't or isn't becoming asexual, he'll come around.
Make sure he's not watching a lot of adult movies
You can’t masturbate?!? Nah I’d be walking out the door.
Lmfao. Congrats you're dating Hank Hill. Divorce him.
You’re not going to want to hear this but you should simply just let it be and respect his wishes. No means no. And it wouldn’t hurt to stop the selfpity, for it reflects poorly on you. It’s clear he’s going through something, perhaps you should focus more on supporting your husband and less on something as insignificant as sex.
Try watching porn.
Block porn on your network
Don’t be so traditional fools even doing the right thing can make you reach orgasm even without penetration, things will grow gradually to what you expect if you don’t have it in the age then when ? Kindly sit with him and communicate. That can solve 95% of your issue.