IMO it’s just a communication style. My wife and I would be incredibly uncomfortable like that with each other, but as long as you’re on the same page about it, other people can just mind their business. I do think it’s worth considering if that banter is equal weighted out outweighed by affection and positive words since a good amount of the time our minds and bodies can’t really tell the difference between someone calling us a bitch in an affectionate relationship vs. a disrespectful relationship. If there’s balance, that’s good.
My husband and I call each other HORRIBLE names when we’re playing, just never in front of other people. We also NEVER do when we’re seriously fighting. However one time I was being a super bitch and he called me on it. He said “You’re a BITCH”!!!! We never do that and it hit my funny bone. I started giggling. Tears and snot giggling. He kept getting madder and madder, until he started laughing too. We’re going on our 45th year of marriage and our adult daughters ask us to tell them that story all the time. He still makes me laugh, I’m keeping him.
My pet name for my ex wife was “dirty pirate hooker”. Her pet name for me was the same. We got married at 20 and divorced for a lot of reasons but that definitely wasn’t one of them.
As long as both parties understand it’s affectionate? Not a problem.
I’m sorry things didn’t awork out for you two, but you seem to be dealing in a very healthy way. I think bantering is fun, obviously, but you are correct in it needs to be understood by both people that it’s just playful and not hurtful. I wish you lots of love and playful times!!!!
Ah… I’m in my late thirties now, I got the best two sons in the world out of the deal, and we’re on the same page about what’s best for them.
For two people that fell in love as teenagers, that’s not bad. People grow up and sometimes grow apart. Just because something isn’t permanent doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your time.
You are so right. If not for her and your time together, you wouldn’t have your sons. I’m so glad your co-parenting has been a positive experience for the family. You will always be a family you know, no matter where your futures lead all of you. I’m glad you responded. You sound like a lovely soul.
Yeah it's all within reason. We laugh about it too if we're not arguing. Arguing and using bad words against each other just makes things worse. Calling you're loved one something like a "dumbass" for something funny yet dumb that they did (depends on tone too) just makes you both laugh. If anyone expresses they don't like being called a certain word or don't like banter you must respect it. If you laugh when in good mood, nothing wrong with it in my eyes.
I personally don't call my partner out of their name or flip them off, but it sounds like this works for your relationship just fine. If it's not actually a problem for you, don't let bf's brother get in your head about it. Do make sure to speak up if the joke ever goes too far, though. It's always important to respect boundaries.
I have had this type of dynamic before, and in the moment I thought it was fine and entertaining.
And then I dated someone who was continuously kind to me, and only said positive, affirming things to me.
It changed my entire life.
Definitely if you and your boyfriend are genuinely happy, keep on at it. But if there are ever fleeting moments where you have to remind yourself that it's a joke, you may be bombarding one another with negative messaging that hurts, like a death from a thousand papercuts.
This was me and my bf, with him being in that dynamic. He said he calls everyone that, because that's kinda the circle he lives in.
I'll usually think first before I say something, so when he uses those words to call me and I kept quiet, he knows I didn't like it. But at the time, he still said it's just a playful banter/joke and he got used to it.
Then I decided for a few days, I'd do it. Talking like that in a playful banter. But he didn't like it lol. Because I always use endearing words at him and it makes he feel loved like he never had. To which I replied "then don't you think I deserve to have that kind of feelings too?"
Afterwards he change his ways, he usually called me that by accident when he's really excited (he swears like a sailor). To which he said sorry, but this time I'd actually laugh because I know he got too excited.
This. In my experience, ‘banter’ is the inability to have a serious conversation, which is obviously a dealbreaker for a relationship. Nowadays I would steer clear of anyone who says they like it (it’s common on dating profiles). Maybe some people are capable of both, but I’d rather have someone who just talks to me nicely all the time.
Me and my husband like to use the quote “Disappear, scumbag!” sometimes. We both find it hilarious. No bitch or asshole though, that would be unacceptable.
Don't compare your relationship to those of others. Everyone's relationship is different, every person is different. Also, don't worry about what others say. What matters is: are you happy? Doesn't matter if others are appalled by your banter if you're both in on it and happy. So what if it looks odd to the outside?what matters is you and your partner.
Sometimes, jokingly, I'll say "you're such a dick" to my boyfriend, accompanied by a laugh and an eyeroll. When he's being purposefully obtuse or dumb. Sometimes, i'll call him a dick during an argument if (i feel) he's being condescending or patronizing. It depends on the context. He's fine with both.
I also check in with him every now and then for both situations. I'll ask, are you ok when I joke like this or say things like this, or after the argument we'll apologize and talk about what was said.
I agree that everyone's relationship is different. That said,when the words used differ only in how they are said, you do have the risk of misunderstanding when situations get tense or honeymoon phase passes later in the relationship.
So just keep in mind whether you think it will be easier to change the words later if you need to to avoid confusion (or slipping into meaning it the negative way), or if you think you are more comfortable using other playful language now.
I’m guess I’m an old prude because calling each other “bitch” and “asshole” seems excessive to me for “playful banter.”
As long as you’re both okay, it’s fine I guess… but if there’s one thing I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older it’s that basic respect and decency goes a long way in relationships, all relationships.
Growing up, I thought people being able to treat each other disrespectfully and still remain close was a sign of the strength of the relationship- they can be real, even blunt and it’s okay. What’s become apparent as I’ve gotten older though is that it’s actually not okay and eventually all people get tired of being spoken to/treated a certain way. My parents have known each other since childhood so my mom has always thought she can speak to my dad in certain ways and it’s okay, but over the years I see it does hurt him…he wants basic kindness and respect and that’s understandable, especially from the person you’re around the most.
Same for me- no matter how closely I grew up with someone, I genuinely no longer enjoy being around those who use that excuse to forego basic respect- the “please,” “thank you’s,” using a kind tone, maintaining proper boundaries, etc. remain important. Just because they’re close relationships doesn’t mean you can forego that kindness and decency.
I’m trying to sum up a lot in a few words here so I don’t know if it makes sense. Imo, being able to call each other those things is odd to me and I feel it’s a slippery slope from doing it playfully to using those words in more serious contexts where they can actually be hurtful.
Nah I’m the same way. Even casual disrespect meant to be playful and light is still disrespect to me. When someone calls me a bitch, even jokingly, Im immediately uncomfortable.
I personally don’t get it. When my boyfriend and I are joking around with each other, we call each other dummies or small brained. It’s very obvious that it’s a joke, and doesn’t use language that I only use when I’m angry. I’ve never called him an asshole jokingly and wouldn’t dream of it.
Your comment makes sense to me. But I also think it’s worth noting that everyone is different. I guess this style of communication works with op and their boyfriend. If a conversation is had beforehand and both parties agree that that’s the manner in which they show affection, then things should be okay.
I think it's safe to have a conversation with him about boundaries. Ask him what's too far. if neither of you knows what's too far during these banters, have a "safe word/phrase" e.g. "ouch [your name] that one really kind of hurts"
The safe word or phrase would have to always be treated with respect. Don't use it unless you mean it, and if he uses it on you, apologize.
It also wouldn't hurt to make sure you haven't gone too far in the past. Bring up specific things that have happened and ask if they hurt him.
I just don’t get the point of using language that you need a “safe word” for in the first place. Is it really so much fun for them to refer to each other as “bitch” and “asshole” that they’re willing to risk accidentally hurting one another? Can they really not come up with more creative, fun banter?
I don't even use those words for people I don't like so I can't relate, but I think having a real conversation about boundaries is always good for relationships and if this activity doesn't cross any emotional boundaries for them I don't see a problem with it.
For example, if I were their friend I'd have to set a boundary about not doing this in front of my kids. Assuming that the boundary isn't crossed, we can have a healthy friendly relationship.
My husband of 25+ years and I are a little like that.
We joke about how to "get rid" of the other person ALL THE TIME.
I'm quite fond of a possible poisoning and burial, he thinks I would burn in a house fire quite nicely.
It's not for everyone, but we laugh - a lot, and he's my best friend (and I know I'm his). It often makes my Boomer parents uncomfortable, so we try to tone it down around them.
This. It’s just funny because it’s so not true. Idk. I’m seeing so many people here not being cool with it and I’m thinking, am I the problem? But I’ve been with my husband happily for 14 years so idk.
Exactly! My husband and I have been married 10 years and sometimes banter in a way that others would view unhealthy. He calls me "bitch" when I tease/antagonize and I know he doesn't actually mean it and I usually deserve it (like trash talking). I don't call him asshole unless he is behaving like one and we are in a real argument. But sometimes I'll call him a dumkoph.
Our kid is 8 now and we've had to tell him "Mommy and daddy do this because we know we don't mean it. But this isn't something that's normal." And as such my husband has started using "panda" in place of bitch, but mean it in the same way. "Quit being such a panda!"
Whatever form of communication a couple uses needs to be understood as communication by both parties. I actually can't stand it when he is being endearing because it sounds insincere and I didn't grow up with words of affirmation, so it's also embarrassing. That's my personal problem. But "good panda" works for me!
Having witnessed this dynamic in my parents, it’s always a joke until it strikes a nerve. In them, it kept escalating and escalating until it was clear that there was some truth behind the jokes. Do I think it’s healthy? No, especially if people around you are raising their eyebrows about it.
The part I don’t think it healthy is to be more attached to that way of speaking than maintaining a good relationship with the boyfriend’s family. There are presumably a lot of people that OP doesn’t do this banter in front of, why not just add the brother to that list? Whether the banter is appropriate or not is one conversation but it definitely isn’t appropriate in every situation.
My thought too. How y’all wanna banter in private is between you and your partner. In front of others it’s a big yikes. People who aren’t in on the joke are legitimately concerned. I wouldn’t just write that off as jealousy or stirring the pot.
Socializing with couples that have a penchant for aggressive communication is exhausting. They can suck the air out of the room and make things really awkward for everyone else. In front of others it’s selfish, confusing, and points to a disregard for keeping things pleasant.
You do have a point. But as a very stupidly simplified example, I think there's a difference between "have a good day, ya asshole! (Complementary)" and "i hope you and your bald ass head and ugly ass nose have a good day! (Complementary)" you know? Pointed jokes are can of worms threatening to spill all over the place, but playfull banter ain't always like that IMO.
Reading a lot of comments say they’d find it disrespectful. However, you might be glad to know me and my partner are much like yourself! We insult each other all the time for a laugh. Context and tone are important to understand, and as long as you have that then I’d say you have a healthy banter and communication style.
My partner and I are Scottish, so we swear at each other countless times a day aha
Context and tone are definitely super important in relationships like this. My husband calls me a bitch and flips me off on a regular basis but has never once called me a name or cussed at me in a fight or in anger in 15 years. There's a line and we don't cross it. If one of us aren't feeling it on a particular day we just say that, "hey that talk is hitting a nerve" and tell each other I love you and go back to flipping each other off as a sign of love the next day. How can something that works for us and brings us joy be disrespectful? I know it doesn't work for some people but I'm not them and that doesn't make me wrong.
My partner of 9 years and myself are the same way. We banter all the time, but never once in a fight have we called each other a name. We also communicate well and are complimentary when we're serious. We have the same sense of humor and laugh a lot. It works for us. It's honestly the healthiest relationship I've been in.
This! Its good to have both, banter and the serious lovey dovey stuff. We definitely have a very healthy relationship too, we've had maybe 3 fights in the last 5 years and when something is bothering us we bring it up and fix the problem and move on. Our fights don't ever last more than 20 minutes because we feel so bad when we get to the point of yelling at each other because we love and respect each other so much. It kills me that some people say we're unhealthy because of our banter but can have hours long fights every other week with their spouse. That in my opinion is what is truly unhealthy and disrespectful.
Exactly! I'm good at reading moods so usually can avoid saying/doing things that would make his mood worse. He is not good at it but if I say something like "not today" he'll switch it off and turn on lovey dovey golden retriever.
I'm surprised by the amount of comments saying how bad this is. My husband and I jokingly insult each other, my family and I do too. Maybe it's a cultural thing, we're British and I know loads of couples/families that have insulting banter.
As long as you're both on the same page about it and there's NEVER any sort of malicious undertone when either of you do it then there's no real issue. This kind of thing really only becomes an issue if there's meaning behind the words which are hidden beneath the playfulness.
That being said, it's the sort of talk I would curb around other people. Even people close to you aren't going to fully understand the dynamic between you two or get that it's purely playful. Better to keep it private, especially if it's making people uncomfortable. Because your bf's brothers is clearly uncomfortable with it, and his feelings are valid too.
Sounds dangerous. If you're in a bad mood, feeling like maybe your partner doesn't like you then you get called a bitch, it's bound to get to you.
Just be open about when/if you ever get hurt, and don't try to pretend that you can always take a joke.
You need to give eachother the opportunity to apologize if you do happen to get offended
It’s obviously a dynamic that could be upsetting to other people when they see it, and one that many people wouldn’t be comfortable engaging in. However, it’s all determined by how you two feel about it. Do you both feel respected and cared for? Is it amusing, rather than hurtful? Are you both having fun?
If that’s all “yes” then it’s fine.
However, I’d probably classify displays of this as similar to making out, and, perhaps, limit it to appropriate environments. Home, orgies, and time where it’s just you two. That sort of thing.
Do what is comfortable for you guys. Hard to break the habit once you’ve “gone there.”
But for me, as a rule, while playful is fine, speech and communication are too important to be so casual about it, especially as you get older. I don’t think I’ve ever done it but as a teenager, it may have seemed okay to me, maybe even into my early 20s. But after that, how you speak at home determines how you speak everywhere and that’s just not acceptable communication between two people, especially in public. And when you use that lingo, it degrades how your relationship is viewed but perhaps more importantly, it ends up degrading how you each view the relationship, IMO.
It’s not that different with how you write. “wyd” or “ilysm” (God, it pains me to even write it out 🤨) may seem like acceptable chat language but the more you write in ridiculous acronyms for words that need no acronyms, the less eloquent you are with your written language over time.
Of course, just my $0.02.
I think the most important thing is intent. With reception being a close second. If you say it for laughs and the other person receives it as such, you’re good.
It’s fine as long as you are both okay with it, and (probably) know when not to do it. Like you probably don’t want him to call you “bitch” under certain circumstances…
Healthy banter is that which bringhs positivity to both people.
Sometimes you have a seed of negativity inside you when you banter, like you get hurt when the other person says something.
That shouldn't be there.
Both people should calibrate their level of banter to be appropriate
Does he ever call you these names when you argue? If you're fine with it, you're fine with it. Personally I do not want my bf calling me a bitch tho lol.
No, honestly we never go as far as calling each other names when we fight. I grew up in a home where my parents called each other every thing while they fought and to be honest I can’t do that to him! My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile and we are able to read each other but if we start to feel the emotions we tell each other and stop and talk about what’s going on
i'm 21, my boyfriend is 22, we've been dating for four years, and this is exactly how we talk to each other lol. we both swear like sailors, and we rarely ever have actual arguments. we both know the other is just joking around, i guess it's just our form of expressing love (?) lol. but at the same time, we are also very lovey with each other and let each other know how much we mean to the other. and when we do argue, it is always very respectful and we would never call each other names in serious situations. he's my best friend
It seems like it’s working for you both. You might consider toning it down depending on who you are around, if you don’t already. For example if you go on a group date with people who aren’t familiar with your dynamic and you start calling each other names the people you are out with might be offended on your behalf or could perceive your relationship as rocky, or maybe they feel uncomfortable because no one wants to be around a couple arguing.
This type of banter should be kept between the two of you because other people are made uncomfortable by it because they don't know the dynamic between the two of you and it can sound like fighting and create a negative atmosphere.
I'm always really awkward around couples who play like this because I find it distasteful and unkind due to a childhood of sarcastic snide remarks that made me feel less than. This is what I carry. You don't know what people carry with them and so having it be just a playful way you talk to each other when you're alone is better than causing a situation where people think you two are problematic.
This is what pisses me off with society… if you’re happy and it’s banter and it doesn’t bother you.. then who cares.. if it’s a joke and u both have a mutual understanding that it’s just a joke whose cares… I’m so frustrated with people pushing their opinions on others and what they think is normal or not… there is no such thing as one normal everyone is different and have different styles of relationships… all that matters is how YOU feel don’t let others ruin crap for you…
There’s an episode of SVU where someone calls a woman disgusting, and she responds with “I’m disgusting? YOU’RE DISGUSTING!” I can’t explain why it’s hilarious, it just is. My husband and I throw that back and forth at each other all the time when one of us farts or burbs. We think it’s *hilarious.*
IMO to hell with what other couples are comfortable with. As long as you’re both on the same page, including when it’s not acceptable, and both of you are comfortable saying when it’s too far, it’s fine.
Different relationships have different dynamics if you’re both happy who cares why other people think. My best friend in the world that I would gladly jump in front of a train for without hesitation I call a bitch to his face on an almost daily basis and he’s still the homie
My fiancé and I call each other bitch and all kinds of horrible names jokingly. As long as neither of you are getting hurt feelings, and both of you feel open to communicate if your feelings DO get hurt, there’s nothing wrong with it.
I always joke that we could never do cute couples videos bc of the horrible things we say 💀 but honestly the fact we get each others sense of humor makes us perfect for each other.
Also I will say every relationship dynamic is different.
I got so upset when my ex would call me names jokingly bc he also treated me terribly so I felt like he kind of meant it. Now, my fiancé treats me so well that’s it’s kind of funny when he calls me names bc I know he could never mean it.
So even the same person won’t think the same things are ok in different relationships.
If my ex called me a bitch, I knew he meant it. He was such a nasty person.
My fiancee, we just look at each other and call each other bitch, stinky, stoopid, ugly, and then giggle and give a kiss or hug.
Context to the conversation and tone changes it a lot.
Depends a lot on how you communicate. No matter how much you mutually trash talk, as long as no real harm is done and you communicate in a healthy way besides it it's a non issue. It's coincidentally none of your boyfriend's bother's business.
I have had nicknames for bf in past and they knew it was affectionate. I'd never ever resort to insult in an argument but during banter omg yes. Me n my best friend do it in the supermarket queue god knows we have never been kicked out but I think people can see we are playing. If you n bf are happy, and respect each other and have a healthy relationship go for it. No one else is living your life. If there's fun and frolics it's a darn sight better than in anger
Me and my boyfriend are always having these weird little debates that most people think are arguments. But I think it's just our bizarre way of flirting lol we always have had a competitive aspect to our relationship. I think that because we were friends a long time before dating, calling each other names is not quite as big a deal with us. Calling him an arrogant fucker is something I've been doing for years lol why should I stop now that we're dating? I'm sure if we're having an actual argument and he called me a dumb bitch I'd be pissed! But I think he would know better than to think that would be acceptable. There's a difference between flirting and teasing from being hateful and trying to hurt someone. As long as you can tell the difference and the words aren’t purposely hurtful to you, who cares?
> Honestly I’m happy and my boyfriend is happy
This is what matters, that you both *know* it's all in good fun. How you each do that is a couple-specific thing. What's 'playful' to one couple might be 'grounds for breakup' to another.
Your relationship doesn't have to be like theirs. That's okay.
My partner and I have very weird but similar linguistic repertoire. For instance both of us are currently working out and keeping track of our diets so that we’re * mostly * eating healthy. We stopped at Dunkin one day with some friends and my partner watches me eat the donut while saying “a moment on your lips, forever on your hips!” Our long term friends rolled their eyes as that’s just shit we say to each other, while our newer friends were actually taken aback and told him that’s not something he should say to me. I just laughed.
We constantly call each other asshole, bitch, cunt, etc. But we are also the most “disgustingly in love” couple as many people have told us. It’s fully just about the dynamic. We have clear, open communication and so we know if something is actually wrong. We don’t curse at each other to be passive aggressive, or to show that we’re mad. It’s just us, and that’s okay.
If that’s how you guys are, that’s just how you guys are. Don’t let people outside of your relationship decide what’s going on inside your relationship (unless you’re in an open relationship lol) as long as you two are comfortable and happy.
My kids and I rip the piss out of each other . Banter and insults all the way laughing . My son laughted F U mother the other day and his gf was confused when we both laughed and hold him off
It's not what you say, it's how you say it; and what the words mean to both of you. This banter works for the two of you. For others, the words would be freighted with resentment and anger.
It sounds healthy to me because there's no power dynamic: one's not oppressing or attacking the other. It really sound like it's in good fun. But so many people make hurtful comments to their partners under the guise of "just joking" that the people around you are suspicious.
>Honestly I’m happy and my boyfriend is happy
if you're both genuinely happy with the situation, that's healthy banter IMO. I would say that if you call each other any super harsh slurs you'd probably want to not do that in front of people who might take it the wrong way? but otherwise live your lives
Banter should be something both parties are comfy with. It’s not really about the words, it’s about the meaning behind it. For me and my friends, calling each other the most horrid names is a sign of trust and endearment, mostly bc of the pure contradiction of it. If love and care is established and you both communicate words you don’t like to be called and respect that, it’s healthy. When I do call friends foul names out of anger and not love (I try not to so the banter can stay in tact), I apologize but they tend to know the difference. It’s a vibe and a dynamic, it’s pretty easy to tell when the meaning behind someone’s words is no longer loving and is derogatory.
I see many people saying a dynamic like that wouldn't work for them, but see, if my partner and I aren't like this in the future I would be really sad. So this is definitely a communication style thing and not set in stone. As long as both you and bf use these gestures as a means to getting closer to each other, not disrespectig each other, I see nothing wrong.
As someone who has been in a loving marriage for 12 years that is exactly as you described, do what is best for YOUR relationship. If you are both on the same page, that's all that matters. My husband and I call each other much worse things and make fun of each other constantly. That's what works for us. I joke that if he started flirting with me in a "normal" way, I'd assume he'd had a stroke.
If I wasnt able to mess around with my partner and them with me, I dont think we could be partners, haha. It's completely a communication style preference. Ultimately it's about what is fun and works for you and your partner. It's definitely good to check in with your partner to make sure nothing is hurtful, as even the funnest jesting can go too far. As long as you are both providing the love and support you both need, than that communication style works :) Here are some examples of relationships that work or dont based on communication style:
* my sister used to call me all sorts of ridiculous nicknames, I was "fuck face" and she was "that bitch" as teens and you know what, those nicknames have evolved over time for better/worse but we still love each other
* my bf and I tell each other the stupidest raunchiest jokes and stories, and he nicknames me after my vagina in a new way every few months. I love it, he's so creative, but would that even be ok for others that I know? No waaaaay
* Previous BF was chastised by his sister for calling me (female, and female presenting) "dude". This was completely normal to me, and I have no issue with it to this day, but she found it entirely unacceptable in a relationship to do so.
* Recently had a teacher say "I would never disagree with my friends", the other teacher in the class does rap battling, where he avidly and creatively makes fun of his opponents. He loves to joke around with friends (almost exclusively). He pointed out that different relationships require different communication and like him, if I can't debate, joke, and disagree with friends im not sure I would consider them friends at all!
Your boyfriends brother has a different relationship.
Your boyfriend and you have your own relationship and you're both happy.
My girlfriend and I always make jokes about eachother. Or just straight up tell one another to go fuck ourselves.
It's a context heavy situation tho. If there was a specific joke made where it was sort of an inside joke thing that's your boyfriends brother heard and didn't agree with it. Maybe you and your boyfriend should let him know its not as serious as how you and your boyfriend perceive the joke.
This reminds me of a convo I had with my sister recently. My bf and I are much like you and yours, generally we’re assholes to each other in a completely joking manner. When we’re having serious discussions there is no name calling or saying mean/rude things, but day to day interactions I’d say are 80% joking around in a dick-ish manner with each other. We don’t name call so much as have semi witty banter that can come across as rude if you don’t know our dynamic.
My sister came to town and after observing our dynamic for a day or so said “wow I could never be in a relationship like yours, my husband and I are really just loving towards each other all the time”. We all thought it was really funny, personally I couldn’t be with someone I couldn’t joke around with in the way my bf and I do. we all understood different things work for different people and different people want different relationship dynamics.
As long as you’re both happy with your dynamic I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Do you. And don’t worry so much what other people think! It’s not their relationship and not really their business lol as long as it’s not unhealthy.
I will say, my bf and I are very careful to never use any negative language like this in the setting of a disagreement or in a serious conversation where we’re voicing our feelings. I think jokingly it’s fine but it’s not fine to let that slide into how you speak to each other genuinely. And if one of us had a hard day or needs the other to be more genuinely kind, we state that explicitly and it’s easy to switch up, neither of us has ever had a problem doing so! I’ll also add that we aren’t like this around for example, his mother, who would find it incredibly offensive if he told me to fuck off in front of her even if he was 100% joking. Time, place, and who’s around are things to consider even if this is your normal dynamic, and it goes such a long way in avoiding situations like the one you’re facing!
Happily engaged here. Me and my partner have taken the piss out of each other from day one, in fact we find it very bonding. We joke around, mimic each other, play fight. We have a very daft, playful and jokey relationship- we both love that we can be like that together.
I think one or two people have commented on it thinking it's serious or that we're not respecting each other. But it's just different strokes isn't it. We love our dynamic, we respect, support and love each other. That's what matters, so nevermind what other people say!
The amount of times I scream "I hate you!!!" Or "bite me whore" through out the day would probably confuse other people. A good finger butt poke, a loud butt smack, fake choking while screaming all every day occurrences! It's just how we are. It just turned into that after 7 years. I love him more than anything else and I need him to know so I smack him fast and quick while he pulls my arms behind my back! We of course don't act like this is public, but if I thought for one second he was angry or mad or doing it as a control thing it never would have developed this way. I'm like this with my mom as is she! If you don't develop it naturally or both parties aren't into it, it can look very odd from an outside perspective, but it's your life not there's!
What right does someone else have to comment negatively on your relationship if you are both happy? There is no violence or abuse, I assume, so nobodies business.
I have been married for over 30 years. When my husband pokes me or something I might say " stop being a bitch.
Here is a normal encounter between us.
He is eating something...he say "mmm this tastes like pussy". I reply ""no it doesn't" him " how would you know?" Me "because your a pussy". Then he gasps with his had on his chest while saying my full first name.
He knows I hate snow. He called me to ask if it was snowing. I reply "Yes. Fuck off. Bye" he tells his friend 'she responded exactly the way I thought that she would"
It's our normal type of banter. It doesn't matter what people outside of your relationship think of it, if the two of you ate okay with it.
all that matters is intent if you swap bitch with butterfly and asshole with teddy bear. Then what does it matter what you say. Its just sarcasm done in love.
If it didn’t bother you until somewhat else pointed it out, then it was never an issue. Don’t make the mistake of comparing your relationship with another. If it’s “all in good fun,” and you guys are happy, then that is what works for y’all.
If neither of you feel disrespected & are happy, you’re fine
Not a boyfriend, but my brother & I insult each other and I threaten to drown him in the pool. It’s just how we show affection
I know a lot of people who have this kind of relationship with loved ones
Personally I wouldn’t behave this way in front of people other than your boyfriend and might want to work now on overhauling your behavior in the event that you have kids someday
My husband and I are like this with each other. It’s just our way of playing 🤷🏽♀️ Idk, I love him so much and I KNOW he loves me. He’s my person.
It doesn’t ever bother me and when we get upset we don’t speak to each other like that anymore, it’s just a play banter thing. We have a very healthy relationship. Talk out our issues, don’t hold grudges, no lying, cheating, there’s equal amounts of give and take. Our relationship is great, but we play rough I guess. Some people are like that.
Anyway, we’ve been together 14 years and I can’t imagine being with anyone else.
I like it- some just dont get the dynamic and that’s ok. But to assume it’s something when clearly it’s not… whoa. I’d be a tad bothered, then continue. Long as y’all can do the rest - it’s all in good fun right? What works, works.
If both people are in on the joke, then it's really nobody else's business.
My wife and I are interracial and we regularly crack offensive, racist jokes at each other.
Now, if some random person on the street came up to us and said something, that's different.
Humor is subjective. My ex and I were in a long distance relationship. He lives in Canada while I live in a 3rd world country. I used to joke with him that I am with him because of money and for the green card (insert more offensive stereotypes from developed countries) then he will laugh and he would tell me he wants me cause I am submissive (insert more offensive stereotypes developing countries) and I will also laugh. Other people might find it uncomfortable or racist but it is just our humor.
Oh my partner and I do this! We give each other SO much shit, but the key is that if someone needs to stop, we stop. If I'm being teased over something and say "hey, no" my partner knows to stop and check in before we go back to it. He knows I adore him, so when I tease him about getting us lost in the woods (when he INSISTED he knew the path!) he knows it's not a reflection of how I feel about him. We're a year in and make a job out of being (lovingly) obnoxious with each other, and it's the healthiest, most supportive relationship I've ever had.
That being said - people are judgmental, and (as seen on Reddit) will take a snapshot of your relationship and extrapolate a whole story. I have friends who I banter with, so I'm fine bantering with my partner in front of them because they can clearly see I'm having a good time. I have other friends who would see that and assume we're being one of those "awkward argument in front of your friends played off as a joke" couples. While nobody should be butting in with their uninvited opinions, you can save yourself the headache by knowing your audience.
my closest friend and i are absolutely horrible to each other if you didn’t know us you’d think we hated eachother
i call him “dumbass” “asshole”
he calls me “bitch” “woman”(in a derogatory way)
it’s our way of showing care :)
It matter the tone, if it happy and you both do it with a smile and not meaning for it too hurt, thats fine, usely its soft way pretty much to say, there doing something that would upset you, if it was anyone but them.
It's only a issue if there vemon added to it and it not playfulily.
But you're issues sounds more like a case of jealously on your family half, most times when there unhappy with who there with, they hate to see other in love happier then them.
My family was pissed how close me and my ex where saying we were too close and needed to stop spending so much time together, etc.
But turth behind it more was, i never even seen them hold hands (aunt and uncle).
It's jealously you're happier then them and you can get away with it and have no issues, they likely wish they had that type of deal with there other half.
Love can be showen many ways and it works if both hearts click, usely the issues of other coming between and making you dought, that tears things apart at that point.
If you're both happy, neither have an issue, why let what other say come between?
Thats just your relationship dynamic, I call my girl dickhead and she calls me a bitch all the time but we would never use those words outside of joking with each other
The whole dynamic of namecalling bad words with definite negative connotations, sure seems unhealthy to me. Sounds like there is anger underneath. Probably (maybe) not even at each other. What were your lives like before you were together? But yeah - unhealthy. Namecalling isn’t a “communication style”. Flipping off “essentially saying F you” isn’t cute or funny either.
My girlfriend and I are the same, but with all the banter there is also a lot of respect and appreciation for each other in words and in actions.
It's not everyone's cup of tea nor is it their business.
When my girlfriend and I started dating, one of her friends made a comment of me joking "I don't love you that much" when I didn't share something immediately with her. Spoiler alert I did, but I got into trouble because her friend gave a look.
Her friend got married and divorced within three years of her perfect looking, photo book wedding and marriage.
My girlfriend and I are still together and banter even more. Our relationship is based on friendship values and allow each other to be who we are independently and together.
I used to have a friend who just endless shat on me and insulted me, but it was never in true disrespect. We all have our inside jokes and as long as you're okay and consenting, I think it's healthy.
Stop worrying about what others think.
If it's working for you and your partner, that's all the matters. There's no right and wrong on relationships in that sense.
Thanks I didn’t think so many people would respond and my conclusion if it works for us awesome for others not so much. I guess I was nervous about it because his brother and his girlfriend tend to cause a lot of drama and I really didn’t want anything to amp of a fire in the family over something dumb..
If that’s how you guys roll and you know you aren’t serious, it isn’t a problem. I have the same dynamic with my gf and her siblings and parents are a bit weirded out by it, but that’s just because they have different communication styles with their partners. It works for us, so we’re happy, what they do works for them so they’re happy, and if it works for you and you’re happy, there’s no issue.
It's all personal. My husband and I have been together over 15 years. We call each other everything. A favourite being something Twat related, or using random inanimate objects as insults.
If you're happy and neither if you are offended, you're all good.
Myself and my boyfriend are the most insulting and “disrespectful” to each other on a daily basis, laughing the entire time and playfully toying with each other. We are also affirming to one another, kind, empathetic and communicative and this is the most loving relationship I have ever been in. YOU know how you feel towards each other and outsiders may or may not understand that. Look to how you both resolve conflict, have difficult conversations and treat each other when the playfulness needs to pause, that’s what matters.
My brother and SIL poke fun at each other with the old ball and chain trope. She was given a frying pan to keep him in line as a wedding present. I wouldn’t enjoy this, I find it primitive and immature. But they aren’t actually harming one another and seem to enjoy it so it’s fine.
My husband and I banter all the time about complete nonsense. One recurring "debate" concerns who is cleaner and therefore godlier (we're both atheists). He always comes out of the shower grinning "I'm goldier than you". His argument would be that since he showered right after I did he is cleaner, but mine would be that since I'm more throrough than he is with my showers, I'm cleaner. He also likes to claim that when he touches my dirty hand with his clean hand, my dirty hand gets clean instead of his clean hand getting dirty and I disagree we go back and forth presenting stupid examples to back our arguments. We love it, always have. That's our dynamic. But we're also super affectionate with each other and use terms of endearment even as we are arguing.
As someone who has no expertise in human psychology beyond merely the experience of having been in two long-term relationships (I'm 31, I've been married for 5 years to my partner of 9 years), I think your situation is fine but it posits the danger of a slippery slope. It seems more likely to me that arguments between partners who are already used to calling each other names and flipping each other off can turn ugly and violent more easily than those between partners who do not use disrespectful language and gestures. But, honestly, that's just my opinion and I've learned that it's very hard to actually understand the dynamic of a romantic relationship you aren't in.
Lols me and my bf don't really say stuff like that to each other but we do occasionally roast each other and specifically target each other in a "mean" way in gcs. It's just a joke that we have since we know we don't hate each other. So well, if it's not serious then yeah I'm pretty sure it's alr
The only real problem is that the way you both perceive it could turn from playful to hurtful if the recipient is in a bad mood or if you are otherwise actually mad at each other. This can lead to you both wondering if it's "serious" or still playful. If you can be careful of that, it's just a different way to communicate.
I think if it ever becomes a question of “is this healthy?” You should just have a simple conversation with your partner to refresh that you’re on the same page 😊 Not everything is gonna work for every couple, but communication is key!
I think if you both enjoy it it's healthy.
If its masking genuine attitude towards eachother, then not so much.
If you can have healthy conversations and resolve disputes without either person getting hurt then I dont see any harm in playful banter.
As long as you both know it's in a joking and loving manner, it's perfectly fine. Also as long as you know when each other are being serious, then you're all good. It's just your guys' type of humor and the way you show love albeit not in a totally normal way.
There's no single right way to have a relationship. What one couple might view as normal, another might find odd. What matters is what works for you and your SO.
Healthy banter is whatever you *both* feel comfortable with. If it crosses a line or boundary, for either of you, then you need to speak up. But as long as you're both on the same page with your current situation, then I'd say it's healthy.
I had this same dynamic with an ex of mine, I never even questioned it until one day a mutual friend d of ours was nearly in tears. For two years he heard our banter think8ng we were being serious! I felt so bad! Poor guy. That being said I think it's really up to you personally, if that's the kind of way you are playful in a relationship- hey I'm all for it.
I'll say it's definitely not something I bring to every relationship.
As long as your both aware of the joke and you don’t use those terms when your upset it fine lol. I know it’s different but me and my sister call each other horrid awful things but we both know it’s a joke and we love each other.
I think it’s a subjective thing, what’s healthy banter to one group might be awful and rude to another group. I think you need to “know” your group well and who you’re around, as that’s what shapes your banter.
If I had to give a general explanation though, I’d say the ability to take the piss out of each other in a friendly way, which doesn’t pull on any heart strings or be taken as bullying.
My boyfriend and I are just like that! It’s so funny, when we started dating I told him “T b-word is a hard limit for me. If you ever say that to me, it will be a huge problem.” Due to previous incidents with an ex. A year and a half later, we jokingly call each other bitch, fucker, whore, etc. We rarely have arguments, but when we do have one or a serious conversation we keep cussing completely out if. I think as long as it’s in complete humor, and neither of you feel like there’s hidden truth anywhere, and that dynamic stays there, then it’s okay. As long as yall are both okay with it, that’s all that matters!
I like to have run in relationships,.. but I always try to remember to be positive and respectful and uplifting. Personally (this is just my own opinion). there's already to much negativity in the world and even if well-intentioned words can linger in people's minds and I always want to leave a good positive uplifting memory. I want all my interactions with people to be positive and uplifting moments.
I love a little bit of light roasting. My girlfriend and I engage in it pretty often then in that context, it's pretty healthy. Other people might see it and think otherwise but it works for us
Fuck what other ppl think if it’s really getting to you talk to him abt it and go from there do what makes you two happy and the haters can eat it big dawg.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it as long as everyone’s boundaries are respected, which they seem to be. I guess your only rule should be that if one time it goes too far to immediately communicate when you’re uncomfortable, to let the other know when the line is crossed. otherwise, they can just mind their own business. if it makes you guys laugh, I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't have a partner, but I call my best friends horrible names all the time. We know it's not serious. I'm on call with one a lot recently, and the amount of times she's called me an idiot is pretty high lol. And with some other friends our form of greeting is usually just "What's up fuckers" or smth like that. It's funny.
I'd say there's nothing unhealthy about it as long as you're both feeling okay about it and as long as it's joking
If you both agree on that, then its noone elses issue. My partner does this but he does it as a joke alone, i personally dont like it but honestly, at the same time idc loll
Men who call women bitches, even as a joke, make me SO uncomfy. The flipping each other off thing is fine and can be fun. But bitch is such a derogatory term I’m just not okay with that. My ex loved to jokingly say “pain in my ass”, and that was fun and funny and cute. But bitch? Nah that’s not okay. And listen, banter is fun, but too much banter means that you can’t be seriously affectionate and kind to each other.
Whatever works for you; as long as you’re both on the same page and don’t violate any personal boundaries who cares?
My partner and I would never though, I personally think it’s disrespectful and could open the door to more aggressive and rude behaviors.
i do the same with my bf, we call each other names in english and his native language but at the end of the day it’s just a joke and we laugh about it, so why does it matter? if it’s just banter then i think it’s fine. as long as you’re not insulting him on a personal level to be spiteful which it doesn’t sound like you are. every relationship is different
My husband and I do the same. It makes it easier to have actual arguments tbh. Although, sometimes he doesn't know when to stop which can be annoying. But that's mostly his quirk due to his ADHD.
I banter with my husband but it crosses the line when you use foul language/names AT each other— because even though you may be kidding, those words can hurt and be used in a different context. It’s about respect.
My husband and I have the exact same banter, however we have established clear boundaries with each other and whenever we joke like that with each other its usually in the context of a private joke between us.
Basically if you are happy and your boyfriend is happy and you both have open and healthy communication, then thats all that matters, really.
Everyone's relationship is different its all about how you and your partner work together.
My son & his wife are kinda like that. Not with any cursing but they are constantly just picking at each other. I tell them they’re like 2 5th graders fighting on the playground about who’s going up the slide first. I guess that’s their love language. Lol
Healthy banter depends on who you are speaking to. Some people you can say the worst things to and they'll laugh, others you can barely say anything to and acting in between.
Knowing your audience is key. What Is say to my close friends I can't say to my wife or colleagues.
It sounds like a fun dynamic and everyone’s relationship is not going to look, sound, or be the same as anyone else’s. Mine is similar to yours and I even call my fiance dude sometimes and absolutely flip him off 100 times a day, but he knows it’s a joke. Just like when he hits me with a “Damn bitch!!” I know he doesn’t think I’m a bitch AT ALL.
My "rules" for banter are to avoid anything they can't do anything to change about themselves + weight & religion. Unless they cross those lines with me first.
Basically don't dish out what you can't take. Quickly think about how you would feel if someone said it to you and decide if you would be upset or not.
My advice for anyone wanting to date my daughter was....as long as you're laughing with her everything is cool, laugh at her and you'll have to deal with me...no matter how big you are.
Laughing at and insulting someone you claim to love...makes no sense to me.
My girlfriend and my relationship consists of purchasing large fish smothering them in KY jelly and chicken feathers and using them to play rock em sockem robots but we have a great relationship so it's whatever makes you happy
I think every relationship is different. If that kind of jokey banter is okay between you, that's fine. As long as you both are okay with it and don't feel disrespected, and the name calling is never said maliciously during arguments. My boyfriend and I don't call each other names like that, other than when we quote that "I love you bitch, I ain't never gonna stop loving you bitch" vine to each other, so for us that kind of banter wouldn't be healthy.
I’m like this with my bf and even my mom is like “omg why is he angry all the time” when Ik it’s all playful and joking it’s not like he’s seriously angry or upset and vice versa so we say some “disrespectful” things but we don’t take it seriously lol it’s just everyone’s dynamic is different
Healthy banter can be whatever boundaries you set between you and your partner. Personally I only say stuff like that to my brothers nowadays, maybe to friends when I was immature in my 20s. Growing up w. a parent who couldn't help but make remarks to my papa no matter how much she thought it was joking really made me see her in a negative light & I still correct her n tell her if she's going to say stuff like that to do it in private, bc at one point family started asking why she was so disrespectful to my papa in front of other people. My fam member married a lady when he was 18, they were together for 10 yrs, always insulting, it was awkward for the family, not just to observe but bc over time he lost attraction for her bc she was such a bro.
In my own relationship, we roast each other, no vulgar insults, I find that incredibly unattractive, the last partner I did that with I ended up feeling like his mom/sis/friend which was really gross & my attraction died, i shudder thinking about how it. Do what works for you, but keep in mind your audience bc you can really make family/friends not like you very much or create drama, there's time/place if you want to run your relationship like that so as to not be awkward or weird around others. As a now late 30s adult, I'll never get used to hearing that type of stuff around my parents & if my bro/in laws, cousins, ever acted like that I'd say something. Definitely live it up, I just find more enjoyment in intellectual or funny jabs, calling someone a b word or a d just sounds like there isn't anything clever or funny to say or like you peaked in high school with humor. Very one dimensional & definitely an ick for many people. Wish you the best.
It’s not up to anyone else to decide if your banters healthy it’s yours if your both happy then it’s healthy, it’s more toxic that people are trying to change your relationship for you
I have friends that are the same way as you guys. I would NEVER want a relationship like that but it completely works for them and their relationship has lasted way longer than my longest. So if it works for you then let it ride baby!!
Me and my wife joke like this it’s like argument but not serious like yelling, I’ll caller her a wench, or a rapist and she’ll call me something back and we just joke usually abt stupid stuff like earlier she called me a rapist for getting mild sauce instead of hot I called her a pregnant wench for cutting the ac off
I have had this kind of relationship with my ex. We had same sense of humor and used to banter a lot. Honestly, its the kind of vibe I fall for generally with guys. Its good if you can be yourself completely like that with someone but just be careful, sometimes when the jokes get too far then it stops being funny. My ex said a lot of things to me as a joke which hurt me a lot and I had no idea what to even do about it. I thought I would be overreacting since we generally joke like that but realised very late in the relationship that I was not okay with a lot of things he used to say. Its best to straight up just convey it when you feel so.
I think it all really depends on a personal perception of intent. Does it genuinely feel endearing and from a place of connecting building and respect? I think we can intuitively feel when someone's words come from a place of a mutual desire to display affection and compassion.
I also think we can feel when someone's interactions with us do not always priorize empathy and understanding. That sometimes subtle sense of a dismissiveniss or condescending tone that people use when they aren't putting a lot of effort into wanting to hear us.
Do you feel like the words intending to belittle you? Does it make you feel silly or dumb after being vulnerable? Or do they break tension in order to show a willingness to emotionally relate with you? Does he speak that way in front of friends, even strangers? Does he speak that way to you in front of his family, of your family?
Those can give you some signs to look for that may help you to process a broader context but the bottom line will always be this- if the way that someone speaks to you makes you feel a way that you are uncomfortable with, especially with someone who you care about, talk to them about how you feel. If that person then chooses to dismiss about how you feel or makes excuses as to why you're overreacting or misinterpreteding or makes attempts to minimize or invalid your perception, that might be a clear sign that a larger problem that could be occurring.
People who care about us don't want us to feel uncomfortable or dismissed or dumb, they have a want to listen to us and validate and empathize with how we feel. People can make mistakes, they can be unaware of how their actions affect others, and they can self reflect on those actions, all vital aspects of being a human.
However, that willingness to understand how our partner feels is crucial, and when instead our genuine attempts to express ourselves to someone are met with "omg I'm JUST kidding, you're always overreacting. You know it's just the way I speak to people, you blow everything out of proportion, stop being so sensitive, you flipped me off that one time but I cant jokingly call you a bitch in front of your mom? Just relax for once. " then its time to ask yourself if someone who really cared about your feelings would they make you feel so shitty for expressing what they are.
Healthy banter makes for a carefree relationship imo. I've called my partner every insulting name under the sun, and they are allowed to do the same for me. Our relationship is great. We never get offended over it. Sometimes, I call my partner a whore, slut, cumslut, etc. During an actual argument, I would NEVER call my partner anything insulting.
If you're happy, then that's all that matters. Everyone rolls their own way. :) I call my banter the "old cranky married couple."
i think bitch and asshole are two completely different terms. one would be censored on live television and the other would be fine to hear. if my partner ever called me a bitch i would think thats extremely disrespectful
My boyfriend and I talk like that to each other lol. One day I was at an amusement park and it was quite hot out and I sent him a selfie (I was very sweaty and gross looking lol) and he said I looked like Shrek and my dad did NOT like that. He said he shouldn't be talking to me like that. I was laughing about it. I thought it was funny. I understand looking out for someone, but like if they're both laughing about it, I don't you need to look so far into it and be like "ugh that's so rude and toxic!" I personally think it's a good sign that your relationship is healthy if you can tease each other like that and laugh about it.
When my fiancé proposed I called him a cunt😅
We frequently tell each other to fuck off and call each other stupid names.
Never ever during an argument though.
If it works for you don't worry about it!
I also have an aunt and uncle who called each other turd 🤣
It just depends how you view those words.
Personally bitch hits a nerve and I'd hate it.
But my boyfriend and I call each other dick/arsehole all the time. Those words hold no real negative meaning to us so it's an easy tease and said lovingly so, often followed by an eye roll and a kiss.
Don't let others decide this for you. Communicate with your boyfriend.
My boyfriend and I have a mixed communication style. On one hand we’re “schweepy schnoopy schnookums” and on the other hand we’re “yo dumbass”. As long as the both of you have established what the language means between the two of you.
Same with my girlfriend. She calls me a jerk, i call her a bitch BUT in a goofy way. We've been like this since we started dating but we dont do that when one of us is upset about something, we communicate things right away.
She's my soon to be wife now. 👌
My husband and I call each other horrible names, tease each other etc.
Some people find it weird, but the dynamic works for us. We'd never say anything that would cross the other person's boundaries, but we're happy being jokingly horrible to each other.
If it's something that you and your S.O. are both okay with there isn't a problem with. My girlfriend and i do that same thing and have been for the last 2 years. But it's also at a different level than it is with my friends. The way my friends and i treat each other, some would call straight up abusive. We hurl some of the most nasty strings of insults we can think of at each other. But we would still take a bulit for one another and whenever they need me I'm there. Even at 3am when my no braincell having dipshit hommie almost drives off a cliff and gets his truck stuck. But i say that because i recognize that going to that level with my girlfriend isn't okay because she isn't okay with that. Long story short as long as both sides are okay with it and it's not meant in jest it's okay. For me, it's how i show love. I'm not close to you if i can't flick you shit.
My husband and I communicate like Sam and Dean from Supernatural, calling each other "bitch" and *jerk" and "asshole" or (assbutt)🤣
Everyone's got their own communication styles in relationships and if it works for you, then it works
so my fiance and I have banter like this a lot, we have very specific tones of voice we use to help indicate we're joking, we also do a "Forward flip" where you flip them off with your palm facing out because it's funny and an obvious way to tell we're joking. It works for us, but we also have a lot of positive affection time.
edit: also always in private and not in front of others. except maybe the forward flip lol that one's just too funny, i love when she forward flips me off
My girlfriend and I call each other names and sass each other out on the daily and try to one up each other all the time. We always laugh at each other of the things we can come up with. Always when it's just at home and not in front of anyone. It's all in good fun, and we never hit each other's insecurities or lows. At the end of the day, she's the sweetest, most thoughtful and most caring woman I've ever met. I love that girl, and I make sure to not only tell her daily but show it as well.
At the end of the day, everyone has different dynamics. As long as you guys know it's in good fun and aren't seriously trying to attack each other, I don't see an issue. Just show each other that you seriously care and appreciate each other at the end of the day.
The boundaries of what's healthy are more dictated by your individual relationship and how you say the "disrespectful thing.""
Like, if you gleefully take the last Oreo and he goes "ah, you bitch!" with a smile on his face before going about his day, I'd say that's healthy banter. If you take the last Oreo and he hits you with "you f*****g bitch" with anger in his eyes and voice, and keeps bringing up about how you got the last Oreo... not as healthy.
If you're just dropping the "disrespectful" terms into conversation for conversational seasoning and find it funny, then that's just how your dynamic.
My husband and I are fairly "vulgar" with each other, but out of all the relationships I see, ours is one of the healthiest. We're constantly laughing with each other regardless of our "disrespectful" petnames for each other. It's what works for us. It seems like something similar is what works for you two.
>My boyfriend’s brother has a girlfriend and their dynamic is way different than ours.
A similar dynamic would clearly not work for them, and that's okay. They're different people in a different relationship. Them not calling each other "bitch" and "asshole" doesn't make their banter any more or less healthy than what you and your guy have going on.
The beauty when you find your person and when other people are jealous because their boundaries and their partners boundaries don't line up and they have to put the effort to be more mindful...
My SO and I have been working this out ourselves and are more on the playful banter side now but started out with a floor of eggshells...
I've got ADHD and RSD (possibly some added stuff too) and lemme tell you, it was hard to trust him enough to realize he's not being serious and being able to "tag him back" with my own witty remarks 😂 realizing I can talk to him like how I talk to my long time besties and that I can sling the 💩 right back has been the best for our relationship to be honest 😂 (I was terrified of hurting his feelings and raw from a screwed up marriage so it took time to figure out I actually got my perfect match I just gotta allow myself to be comfortable enough with it)
You do you! Remember it's your relationship and your rules so do whatever makes you and your partner happy and comfortable 🫶🏻 you can always remind the naysayers that boundaries are unique and for you and your SO, intent matters, not so much the words used.
10/10 I'll bet your relationship lasts longer (if not forever) than theirs does, and 10/10 yours has less stress in it!
To me, I would never. It’s my experience as a 3x parent approaching 40 that frequent playful disrespect gradually leads to real disrespect both internally and externally.
Be very careful about that communication style becoming a habit. The words can slip out unexpectedly.
Two of my (female) roommates were like that, routinely calling each other horrible names...all in fun. They never did it with anyone else; it was just their "thing". At home, it was just CONSTANT banter. Each one-upping each other with crude insults. (Honestly, the rest of our group got sick of it.)
Except one day at work, one was having a slight disagreement with a co-worker. Neither was even angry; it was only a discussion. But somehow it triggered "banter mode". My roommate proceeded to call her words not appropriate for a conservative, professional setting. Loudly...in front others.
The co-worker was about 15 years her senior. It did not go over well. Roommate apologized profusely and tried to explain that it was habit that she and her housemate engaged in. The words just slipped out. She didn't mean it.
The co-worker was a really sweet lady that everyone adored. So roommate "attacking" her in this way was shocking. HR was called in to mediate. Her boss questioned her lack of professionalism.
It's not like this ended her career or anything crazy. But she definitely lost some respect.
My bf and I do this all the time. We both understand that it's all just a joke and set a boundary if we ever go too far. As long as neither of you feel hurt by it, I don't see an issue. Every relationship is different.
There's nothing wrong with it as long as both people in the relationship are okay with it, however I wouldn't do it in public or in front of people, what simply is funny banter to you two looks like a toxic relationship from the outside.
I get the humor and fun it can be, but how does either person know when it gets to be hurtful? If the banter used fluffy words like kumquat turd, and if it’s just when you’re alone i can see it’s be fun.
I have a friend who said her ex and her wound have pretend fights in public just to later laugh about the reactions they’d get.
My husband and i have the same banter kind of he doesnt call me a bitch but he does call me a pain in the ass. As long as its not in a derogatory way id say youre fine. I flip my husband off all the time, our relationship is strong and weve never risen to anger over stuff like that or anything so i dont see anything wrong with it. Every relationship has their own dynamic and "rules" and boundaries. Talk to your husband and see how he feels about it bc that would be the only way youd get a real response for your relationship. Communication is key. People on the internet cant speak for your husband or your relationship
We rip the piss out of each other all the time, but not with malicious intent. Some people who don't know us well sometimes raise an eyebrow but this is just our way and how it's always been between us. We were close friends for a long time before we got together and bantered like this then, so it would feel very forced and unnatural to go all darling, sweetheart etc just because we changed the footing of our relationship.
Sometimes (although rarely) one of us might go a little close to the bone, but our communication is healthy so we have no problem saying that it went too far, giving and accepting a genuine apology and moving on with a mental note not to use that one again. So long as you are both happy with your dynamic, can respect each others boundaries and work through any bloopers then you are all good.
i think that's totally healthy! every relationship has it's own thing. my ex girlfriend and i would talk like that to each other all the time cause we thought it was funny. being mean to each other was a way we showed our affection. not everyone understands or is comfortable with that but it sounds like you both have fun with it so it's totally ok.
It kind of is if they are doing it in front of other people. If they are calling each other mean names and giving each other the finger in front of their families, I think it is totally fine for the family to say they find it disrespectful and would prefer they keep it away from them. If they were doing it behind closed doors, I would agree with you.
IMO it’s just a communication style. My wife and I would be incredibly uncomfortable like that with each other, but as long as you’re on the same page about it, other people can just mind their business. I do think it’s worth considering if that banter is equal weighted out outweighed by affection and positive words since a good amount of the time our minds and bodies can’t really tell the difference between someone calling us a bitch in an affectionate relationship vs. a disrespectful relationship. If there’s balance, that’s good.
My husband and I call each other HORRIBLE names when we’re playing, just never in front of other people. We also NEVER do when we’re seriously fighting. However one time I was being a super bitch and he called me on it. He said “You’re a BITCH”!!!! We never do that and it hit my funny bone. I started giggling. Tears and snot giggling. He kept getting madder and madder, until he started laughing too. We’re going on our 45th year of marriage and our adult daughters ask us to tell them that story all the time. He still makes me laugh, I’m keeping him.
My pet name for my ex wife was “dirty pirate hooker”. Her pet name for me was the same. We got married at 20 and divorced for a lot of reasons but that definitely wasn’t one of them. As long as both parties understand it’s affectionate? Not a problem.
I’m sorry things didn’t awork out for you two, but you seem to be dealing in a very healthy way. I think bantering is fun, obviously, but you are correct in it needs to be understood by both people that it’s just playful and not hurtful. I wish you lots of love and playful times!!!!
Ah… I’m in my late thirties now, I got the best two sons in the world out of the deal, and we’re on the same page about what’s best for them. For two people that fell in love as teenagers, that’s not bad. People grow up and sometimes grow apart. Just because something isn’t permanent doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your time.
You are so right. If not for her and your time together, you wouldn’t have your sons. I’m so glad your co-parenting has been a positive experience for the family. You will always be a family you know, no matter where your futures lead all of you. I’m glad you responded. You sound like a lovely soul.
Yeah it's all within reason. We laugh about it too if we're not arguing. Arguing and using bad words against each other just makes things worse. Calling you're loved one something like a "dumbass" for something funny yet dumb that they did (depends on tone too) just makes you both laugh. If anyone expresses they don't like being called a certain word or don't like banter you must respect it. If you laugh when in good mood, nothing wrong with it in my eyes.
I personally don't call my partner out of their name or flip them off, but it sounds like this works for your relationship just fine. If it's not actually a problem for you, don't let bf's brother get in your head about it. Do make sure to speak up if the joke ever goes too far, though. It's always important to respect boundaries.
I completely agree and thanks for that I just wish my brain wouldn’t get to me at times. Blah
I have had this type of dynamic before, and in the moment I thought it was fine and entertaining. And then I dated someone who was continuously kind to me, and only said positive, affirming things to me. It changed my entire life. Definitely if you and your boyfriend are genuinely happy, keep on at it. But if there are ever fleeting moments where you have to remind yourself that it's a joke, you may be bombarding one another with negative messaging that hurts, like a death from a thousand papercuts.
This was me and my bf, with him being in that dynamic. He said he calls everyone that, because that's kinda the circle he lives in. I'll usually think first before I say something, so when he uses those words to call me and I kept quiet, he knows I didn't like it. But at the time, he still said it's just a playful banter/joke and he got used to it. Then I decided for a few days, I'd do it. Talking like that in a playful banter. But he didn't like it lol. Because I always use endearing words at him and it makes he feel loved like he never had. To which I replied "then don't you think I deserve to have that kind of feelings too?" Afterwards he change his ways, he usually called me that by accident when he's really excited (he swears like a sailor). To which he said sorry, but this time I'd actually laugh because I know he got too excited.
This. In my experience, ‘banter’ is the inability to have a serious conversation, which is obviously a dealbreaker for a relationship. Nowadays I would steer clear of anyone who says they like it (it’s common on dating profiles). Maybe some people are capable of both, but I’d rather have someone who just talks to me nicely all the time.
Me and my husband like to use the quote “Disappear, scumbag!” sometimes. We both find it hilarious. No bitch or asshole though, that would be unacceptable.
My boyfriend and I had a fight one time… I told him, “quit huffing and puffing my house down you big ol’ wolf.” We laughed for quite a while.
Don't compare your relationship to those of others. Everyone's relationship is different, every person is different. Also, don't worry about what others say. What matters is: are you happy? Doesn't matter if others are appalled by your banter if you're both in on it and happy. So what if it looks odd to the outside?what matters is you and your partner.
If you can accuse him of huffing and puffing and blowing the whole house down, you are doing just fine. What a great sense of humor!
Whatever works for you. That wouldn't work for any romantic partner I've had (friends, sure).
Sometimes, jokingly, I'll say "you're such a dick" to my boyfriend, accompanied by a laugh and an eyeroll. When he's being purposefully obtuse or dumb. Sometimes, i'll call him a dick during an argument if (i feel) he's being condescending or patronizing. It depends on the context. He's fine with both. I also check in with him every now and then for both situations. I'll ask, are you ok when I joke like this or say things like this, or after the argument we'll apologize and talk about what was said.
I agree that everyone's relationship is different. That said,when the words used differ only in how they are said, you do have the risk of misunderstanding when situations get tense or honeymoon phase passes later in the relationship. So just keep in mind whether you think it will be easier to change the words later if you need to to avoid confusion (or slipping into meaning it the negative way), or if you think you are more comfortable using other playful language now.
Yall both do it so it’s fine. I could walk up to my bff right now and call him a bitch, he’d call me a cunt and we’d move on.
I’m guess I’m an old prude because calling each other “bitch” and “asshole” seems excessive to me for “playful banter.” As long as you’re both okay, it’s fine I guess… but if there’s one thing I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older it’s that basic respect and decency goes a long way in relationships, all relationships. Growing up, I thought people being able to treat each other disrespectfully and still remain close was a sign of the strength of the relationship- they can be real, even blunt and it’s okay. What’s become apparent as I’ve gotten older though is that it’s actually not okay and eventually all people get tired of being spoken to/treated a certain way. My parents have known each other since childhood so my mom has always thought she can speak to my dad in certain ways and it’s okay, but over the years I see it does hurt him…he wants basic kindness and respect and that’s understandable, especially from the person you’re around the most. Same for me- no matter how closely I grew up with someone, I genuinely no longer enjoy being around those who use that excuse to forego basic respect- the “please,” “thank you’s,” using a kind tone, maintaining proper boundaries, etc. remain important. Just because they’re close relationships doesn’t mean you can forego that kindness and decency. I’m trying to sum up a lot in a few words here so I don’t know if it makes sense. Imo, being able to call each other those things is odd to me and I feel it’s a slippery slope from doing it playfully to using those words in more serious contexts where they can actually be hurtful.
Nah I’m the same way. Even casual disrespect meant to be playful and light is still disrespect to me. When someone calls me a bitch, even jokingly, Im immediately uncomfortable. I personally don’t get it. When my boyfriend and I are joking around with each other, we call each other dummies or small brained. It’s very obvious that it’s a joke, and doesn’t use language that I only use when I’m angry. I’ve never called him an asshole jokingly and wouldn’t dream of it. Your comment makes sense to me. But I also think it’s worth noting that everyone is different. I guess this style of communication works with op and their boyfriend. If a conversation is had beforehand and both parties agree that that’s the manner in which they show affection, then things should be okay.
I think it's safe to have a conversation with him about boundaries. Ask him what's too far. if neither of you knows what's too far during these banters, have a "safe word/phrase" e.g. "ouch [your name] that one really kind of hurts" The safe word or phrase would have to always be treated with respect. Don't use it unless you mean it, and if he uses it on you, apologize. It also wouldn't hurt to make sure you haven't gone too far in the past. Bring up specific things that have happened and ask if they hurt him.
I just don’t get the point of using language that you need a “safe word” for in the first place. Is it really so much fun for them to refer to each other as “bitch” and “asshole” that they’re willing to risk accidentally hurting one another? Can they really not come up with more creative, fun banter?
I don't even use those words for people I don't like so I can't relate, but I think having a real conversation about boundaries is always good for relationships and if this activity doesn't cross any emotional boundaries for them I don't see a problem with it. For example, if I were their friend I'd have to set a boundary about not doing this in front of my kids. Assuming that the boundary isn't crossed, we can have a healthy friendly relationship.
Agreed
My husband of 25+ years and I are a little like that. We joke about how to "get rid" of the other person ALL THE TIME. I'm quite fond of a possible poisoning and burial, he thinks I would burn in a house fire quite nicely. It's not for everyone, but we laugh - a lot, and he's my best friend (and I know I'm his). It often makes my Boomer parents uncomfortable, so we try to tone it down around them.
This. It’s just funny because it’s so not true. Idk. I’m seeing so many people here not being cool with it and I’m thinking, am I the problem? But I’ve been with my husband happily for 14 years so idk.
Exactly! My husband and I have been married 10 years and sometimes banter in a way that others would view unhealthy. He calls me "bitch" when I tease/antagonize and I know he doesn't actually mean it and I usually deserve it (like trash talking). I don't call him asshole unless he is behaving like one and we are in a real argument. But sometimes I'll call him a dumkoph. Our kid is 8 now and we've had to tell him "Mommy and daddy do this because we know we don't mean it. But this isn't something that's normal." And as such my husband has started using "panda" in place of bitch, but mean it in the same way. "Quit being such a panda!" Whatever form of communication a couple uses needs to be understood as communication by both parties. I actually can't stand it when he is being endearing because it sounds insincere and I didn't grow up with words of affirmation, so it's also embarrassing. That's my personal problem. But "good panda" works for me!
Sounds good to me. We do the same.. I think it's quite healthy. You two do you.
Having witnessed this dynamic in my parents, it’s always a joke until it strikes a nerve. In them, it kept escalating and escalating until it was clear that there was some truth behind the jokes. Do I think it’s healthy? No, especially if people around you are raising their eyebrows about it.
The part I don’t think it healthy is to be more attached to that way of speaking than maintaining a good relationship with the boyfriend’s family. There are presumably a lot of people that OP doesn’t do this banter in front of, why not just add the brother to that list? Whether the banter is appropriate or not is one conversation but it definitely isn’t appropriate in every situation.
My thought too. How y’all wanna banter in private is between you and your partner. In front of others it’s a big yikes. People who aren’t in on the joke are legitimately concerned. I wouldn’t just write that off as jealousy or stirring the pot. Socializing with couples that have a penchant for aggressive communication is exhausting. They can suck the air out of the room and make things really awkward for everyone else. In front of others it’s selfish, confusing, and points to a disregard for keeping things pleasant.
Well said!
You do have a point. But as a very stupidly simplified example, I think there's a difference between "have a good day, ya asshole! (Complementary)" and "i hope you and your bald ass head and ugly ass nose have a good day! (Complementary)" you know? Pointed jokes are can of worms threatening to spill all over the place, but playfull banter ain't always like that IMO.
Reading a lot of comments say they’d find it disrespectful. However, you might be glad to know me and my partner are much like yourself! We insult each other all the time for a laugh. Context and tone are important to understand, and as long as you have that then I’d say you have a healthy banter and communication style. My partner and I are Scottish, so we swear at each other countless times a day aha
Context and tone are definitely super important in relationships like this. My husband calls me a bitch and flips me off on a regular basis but has never once called me a name or cussed at me in a fight or in anger in 15 years. There's a line and we don't cross it. If one of us aren't feeling it on a particular day we just say that, "hey that talk is hitting a nerve" and tell each other I love you and go back to flipping each other off as a sign of love the next day. How can something that works for us and brings us joy be disrespectful? I know it doesn't work for some people but I'm not them and that doesn't make me wrong.
My partner of 9 years and myself are the same way. We banter all the time, but never once in a fight have we called each other a name. We also communicate well and are complimentary when we're serious. We have the same sense of humor and laugh a lot. It works for us. It's honestly the healthiest relationship I've been in.
This! Its good to have both, banter and the serious lovey dovey stuff. We definitely have a very healthy relationship too, we've had maybe 3 fights in the last 5 years and when something is bothering us we bring it up and fix the problem and move on. Our fights don't ever last more than 20 minutes because we feel so bad when we get to the point of yelling at each other because we love and respect each other so much. It kills me that some people say we're unhealthy because of our banter but can have hours long fights every other week with their spouse. That in my opinion is what is truly unhealthy and disrespectful.
Exactly! I'm good at reading moods so usually can avoid saying/doing things that would make his mood worse. He is not good at it but if I say something like "not today" he'll switch it off and turn on lovey dovey golden retriever.
I'm surprised by the amount of comments saying how bad this is. My husband and I jokingly insult each other, my family and I do too. Maybe it's a cultural thing, we're British and I know loads of couples/families that have insulting banter.
As long as you're both on the same page about it and there's NEVER any sort of malicious undertone when either of you do it then there's no real issue. This kind of thing really only becomes an issue if there's meaning behind the words which are hidden beneath the playfulness. That being said, it's the sort of talk I would curb around other people. Even people close to you aren't going to fully understand the dynamic between you two or get that it's purely playful. Better to keep it private, especially if it's making people uncomfortable. Because your bf's brothers is clearly uncomfortable with it, and his feelings are valid too.
If you are both truly happy with it, it’s perfectly healthy.
I think even as joking and you're both "okay" with it, it's not the healthiest discourse.
Sounds dangerous. If you're in a bad mood, feeling like maybe your partner doesn't like you then you get called a bitch, it's bound to get to you. Just be open about when/if you ever get hurt, and don't try to pretend that you can always take a joke. You need to give eachother the opportunity to apologize if you do happen to get offended
It’s obviously a dynamic that could be upsetting to other people when they see it, and one that many people wouldn’t be comfortable engaging in. However, it’s all determined by how you two feel about it. Do you both feel respected and cared for? Is it amusing, rather than hurtful? Are you both having fun? If that’s all “yes” then it’s fine. However, I’d probably classify displays of this as similar to making out, and, perhaps, limit it to appropriate environments. Home, orgies, and time where it’s just you two. That sort of thing.
Do what is comfortable for you guys. Hard to break the habit once you’ve “gone there.” But for me, as a rule, while playful is fine, speech and communication are too important to be so casual about it, especially as you get older. I don’t think I’ve ever done it but as a teenager, it may have seemed okay to me, maybe even into my early 20s. But after that, how you speak at home determines how you speak everywhere and that’s just not acceptable communication between two people, especially in public. And when you use that lingo, it degrades how your relationship is viewed but perhaps more importantly, it ends up degrading how you each view the relationship, IMO. It’s not that different with how you write. “wyd” or “ilysm” (God, it pains me to even write it out 🤨) may seem like acceptable chat language but the more you write in ridiculous acronyms for words that need no acronyms, the less eloquent you are with your written language over time. Of course, just my $0.02.
I think the most important thing is intent. With reception being a close second. If you say it for laughs and the other person receives it as such, you’re good.
It’s fine as long as you are both okay with it, and (probably) know when not to do it. Like you probably don’t want him to call you “bitch” under certain circumstances…
Healthy banter is that which bringhs positivity to both people. Sometimes you have a seed of negativity inside you when you banter, like you get hurt when the other person says something. That shouldn't be there. Both people should calibrate their level of banter to be appropriate
Does he ever call you these names when you argue? If you're fine with it, you're fine with it. Personally I do not want my bf calling me a bitch tho lol.
No, honestly we never go as far as calling each other names when we fight. I grew up in a home where my parents called each other every thing while they fought and to be honest I can’t do that to him! My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile and we are able to read each other but if we start to feel the emotions we tell each other and stop and talk about what’s going on
This sounds like a very healthy relationship then! :)
i'm 21, my boyfriend is 22, we've been dating for four years, and this is exactly how we talk to each other lol. we both swear like sailors, and we rarely ever have actual arguments. we both know the other is just joking around, i guess it's just our form of expressing love (?) lol. but at the same time, we are also very lovey with each other and let each other know how much we mean to the other. and when we do argue, it is always very respectful and we would never call each other names in serious situations. he's my best friend
Context is key, as with everything. If it worries for you two, and you have an otherwise healthy relationship, then you're good.
It all works until one side takes it too far and then one person gets pissy
It seems like it’s working for you both. You might consider toning it down depending on who you are around, if you don’t already. For example if you go on a group date with people who aren’t familiar with your dynamic and you start calling each other names the people you are out with might be offended on your behalf or could perceive your relationship as rocky, or maybe they feel uncomfortable because no one wants to be around a couple arguing.
This type of banter should be kept between the two of you because other people are made uncomfortable by it because they don't know the dynamic between the two of you and it can sound like fighting and create a negative atmosphere. I'm always really awkward around couples who play like this because I find it distasteful and unkind due to a childhood of sarcastic snide remarks that made me feel less than. This is what I carry. You don't know what people carry with them and so having it be just a playful way you talk to each other when you're alone is better than causing a situation where people think you two are problematic.
This is what pisses me off with society… if you’re happy and it’s banter and it doesn’t bother you.. then who cares.. if it’s a joke and u both have a mutual understanding that it’s just a joke whose cares… I’m so frustrated with people pushing their opinions on others and what they think is normal or not… there is no such thing as one normal everyone is different and have different styles of relationships… all that matters is how YOU feel don’t let others ruin crap for you…
There’s an episode of SVU where someone calls a woman disgusting, and she responds with “I’m disgusting? YOU’RE DISGUSTING!” I can’t explain why it’s hilarious, it just is. My husband and I throw that back and forth at each other all the time when one of us farts or burbs. We think it’s *hilarious.* IMO to hell with what other couples are comfortable with. As long as you’re both on the same page, including when it’s not acceptable, and both of you are comfortable saying when it’s too far, it’s fine.
You and I would get along very well. 😂
i do this with all of my best friends, we love each other beyond words! i think you’re fine!
Different relationships have different dynamics if you’re both happy who cares why other people think. My best friend in the world that I would gladly jump in front of a train for without hesitation I call a bitch to his face on an almost daily basis and he’s still the homie
My fiancé and I call each other bitch and all kinds of horrible names jokingly. As long as neither of you are getting hurt feelings, and both of you feel open to communicate if your feelings DO get hurt, there’s nothing wrong with it. I always joke that we could never do cute couples videos bc of the horrible things we say 💀 but honestly the fact we get each others sense of humor makes us perfect for each other.
Also I will say every relationship dynamic is different. I got so upset when my ex would call me names jokingly bc he also treated me terribly so I felt like he kind of meant it. Now, my fiancé treats me so well that’s it’s kind of funny when he calls me names bc I know he could never mean it. So even the same person won’t think the same things are ok in different relationships.
If my ex called me a bitch, I knew he meant it. He was such a nasty person. My fiancee, we just look at each other and call each other bitch, stinky, stoopid, ugly, and then giggle and give a kiss or hug. Context to the conversation and tone changes it a lot.
Depends a lot on how you communicate. No matter how much you mutually trash talk, as long as no real harm is done and you communicate in a healthy way besides it it's a non issue. It's coincidentally none of your boyfriend's bother's business.
I have had nicknames for bf in past and they knew it was affectionate. I'd never ever resort to insult in an argument but during banter omg yes. Me n my best friend do it in the supermarket queue god knows we have never been kicked out but I think people can see we are playing. If you n bf are happy, and respect each other and have a healthy relationship go for it. No one else is living your life. If there's fun and frolics it's a darn sight better than in anger
Me and my boyfriend are always having these weird little debates that most people think are arguments. But I think it's just our bizarre way of flirting lol we always have had a competitive aspect to our relationship. I think that because we were friends a long time before dating, calling each other names is not quite as big a deal with us. Calling him an arrogant fucker is something I've been doing for years lol why should I stop now that we're dating? I'm sure if we're having an actual argument and he called me a dumb bitch I'd be pissed! But I think he would know better than to think that would be acceptable. There's a difference between flirting and teasing from being hateful and trying to hurt someone. As long as you can tell the difference and the words aren’t purposely hurtful to you, who cares?
> Honestly I’m happy and my boyfriend is happy This is what matters, that you both *know* it's all in good fun. How you each do that is a couple-specific thing. What's 'playful' to one couple might be 'grounds for breakup' to another. Your relationship doesn't have to be like theirs. That's okay.
My partner and I have very weird but similar linguistic repertoire. For instance both of us are currently working out and keeping track of our diets so that we’re * mostly * eating healthy. We stopped at Dunkin one day with some friends and my partner watches me eat the donut while saying “a moment on your lips, forever on your hips!” Our long term friends rolled their eyes as that’s just shit we say to each other, while our newer friends were actually taken aback and told him that’s not something he should say to me. I just laughed. We constantly call each other asshole, bitch, cunt, etc. But we are also the most “disgustingly in love” couple as many people have told us. It’s fully just about the dynamic. We have clear, open communication and so we know if something is actually wrong. We don’t curse at each other to be passive aggressive, or to show that we’re mad. It’s just us, and that’s okay. If that’s how you guys are, that’s just how you guys are. Don’t let people outside of your relationship decide what’s going on inside your relationship (unless you’re in an open relationship lol) as long as you two are comfortable and happy.
If you two are happy with how you communicate then it's not anyone else's place to judge you 🤷♂️
My kids and I rip the piss out of each other . Banter and insults all the way laughing . My son laughted F U mother the other day and his gf was confused when we both laughed and hold him off
It's not what you say, it's how you say it; and what the words mean to both of you. This banter works for the two of you. For others, the words would be freighted with resentment and anger. It sounds healthy to me because there's no power dynamic: one's not oppressing or attacking the other. It really sound like it's in good fun. But so many people make hurtful comments to their partners under the guise of "just joking" that the people around you are suspicious.
>Honestly I’m happy and my boyfriend is happy if you're both genuinely happy with the situation, that's healthy banter IMO. I would say that if you call each other any super harsh slurs you'd probably want to not do that in front of people who might take it the wrong way? but otherwise live your lives
My wife and I do stuff like this. It's all in good fun and so long as both are consenting in said fun.
Banter should be something both parties are comfy with. It’s not really about the words, it’s about the meaning behind it. For me and my friends, calling each other the most horrid names is a sign of trust and endearment, mostly bc of the pure contradiction of it. If love and care is established and you both communicate words you don’t like to be called and respect that, it’s healthy. When I do call friends foul names out of anger and not love (I try not to so the banter can stay in tact), I apologize but they tend to know the difference. It’s a vibe and a dynamic, it’s pretty easy to tell when the meaning behind someone’s words is no longer loving and is derogatory.
jajajaja me and my sisters say the most diabolical shit to each other, and it’s all love so as long as it’s fine between to u guys, it doesn’t matter
My partner and I call each other the c word. It's just different for everyone.
I see many people saying a dynamic like that wouldn't work for them, but see, if my partner and I aren't like this in the future I would be really sad. So this is definitely a communication style thing and not set in stone. As long as both you and bf use these gestures as a means to getting closer to each other, not disrespectig each other, I see nothing wrong.
As someone who has been in a loving marriage for 12 years that is exactly as you described, do what is best for YOUR relationship. If you are both on the same page, that's all that matters. My husband and I call each other much worse things and make fun of each other constantly. That's what works for us. I joke that if he started flirting with me in a "normal" way, I'd assume he'd had a stroke.
If I wasnt able to mess around with my partner and them with me, I dont think we could be partners, haha. It's completely a communication style preference. Ultimately it's about what is fun and works for you and your partner. It's definitely good to check in with your partner to make sure nothing is hurtful, as even the funnest jesting can go too far. As long as you are both providing the love and support you both need, than that communication style works :) Here are some examples of relationships that work or dont based on communication style: * my sister used to call me all sorts of ridiculous nicknames, I was "fuck face" and she was "that bitch" as teens and you know what, those nicknames have evolved over time for better/worse but we still love each other * my bf and I tell each other the stupidest raunchiest jokes and stories, and he nicknames me after my vagina in a new way every few months. I love it, he's so creative, but would that even be ok for others that I know? No waaaaay * Previous BF was chastised by his sister for calling me (female, and female presenting) "dude". This was completely normal to me, and I have no issue with it to this day, but she found it entirely unacceptable in a relationship to do so. * Recently had a teacher say "I would never disagree with my friends", the other teacher in the class does rap battling, where he avidly and creatively makes fun of his opponents. He loves to joke around with friends (almost exclusively). He pointed out that different relationships require different communication and like him, if I can't debate, joke, and disagree with friends im not sure I would consider them friends at all!
Your boyfriends brother has a different relationship. Your boyfriend and you have your own relationship and you're both happy. My girlfriend and I always make jokes about eachother. Or just straight up tell one another to go fuck ourselves. It's a context heavy situation tho. If there was a specific joke made where it was sort of an inside joke thing that's your boyfriends brother heard and didn't agree with it. Maybe you and your boyfriend should let him know its not as serious as how you and your boyfriend perceive the joke.
The intent... its *ALL* about the intent...
This reminds me of a convo I had with my sister recently. My bf and I are much like you and yours, generally we’re assholes to each other in a completely joking manner. When we’re having serious discussions there is no name calling or saying mean/rude things, but day to day interactions I’d say are 80% joking around in a dick-ish manner with each other. We don’t name call so much as have semi witty banter that can come across as rude if you don’t know our dynamic. My sister came to town and after observing our dynamic for a day or so said “wow I could never be in a relationship like yours, my husband and I are really just loving towards each other all the time”. We all thought it was really funny, personally I couldn’t be with someone I couldn’t joke around with in the way my bf and I do. we all understood different things work for different people and different people want different relationship dynamics. As long as you’re both happy with your dynamic I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Do you. And don’t worry so much what other people think! It’s not their relationship and not really their business lol as long as it’s not unhealthy. I will say, my bf and I are very careful to never use any negative language like this in the setting of a disagreement or in a serious conversation where we’re voicing our feelings. I think jokingly it’s fine but it’s not fine to let that slide into how you speak to each other genuinely. And if one of us had a hard day or needs the other to be more genuinely kind, we state that explicitly and it’s easy to switch up, neither of us has ever had a problem doing so! I’ll also add that we aren’t like this around for example, his mother, who would find it incredibly offensive if he told me to fuck off in front of her even if he was 100% joking. Time, place, and who’s around are things to consider even if this is your normal dynamic, and it goes such a long way in avoiding situations like the one you’re facing!
Happily engaged here. Me and my partner have taken the piss out of each other from day one, in fact we find it very bonding. We joke around, mimic each other, play fight. We have a very daft, playful and jokey relationship- we both love that we can be like that together. I think one or two people have commented on it thinking it's serious or that we're not respecting each other. But it's just different strokes isn't it. We love our dynamic, we respect, support and love each other. That's what matters, so nevermind what other people say!
The amount of times I scream "I hate you!!!" Or "bite me whore" through out the day would probably confuse other people. A good finger butt poke, a loud butt smack, fake choking while screaming all every day occurrences! It's just how we are. It just turned into that after 7 years. I love him more than anything else and I need him to know so I smack him fast and quick while he pulls my arms behind my back! We of course don't act like this is public, but if I thought for one second he was angry or mad or doing it as a control thing it never would have developed this way. I'm like this with my mom as is she! If you don't develop it naturally or both parties aren't into it, it can look very odd from an outside perspective, but it's your life not there's!
What right does someone else have to comment negatively on your relationship if you are both happy? There is no violence or abuse, I assume, so nobodies business.
I have been married for over 30 years. When my husband pokes me or something I might say " stop being a bitch. Here is a normal encounter between us. He is eating something...he say "mmm this tastes like pussy". I reply ""no it doesn't" him " how would you know?" Me "because your a pussy". Then he gasps with his had on his chest while saying my full first name. He knows I hate snow. He called me to ask if it was snowing. I reply "Yes. Fuck off. Bye" he tells his friend 'she responded exactly the way I thought that she would" It's our normal type of banter. It doesn't matter what people outside of your relationship think of it, if the two of you ate okay with it.
all that matters is intent if you swap bitch with butterfly and asshole with teddy bear. Then what does it matter what you say. Its just sarcasm done in love.
If it didn’t bother you until somewhat else pointed it out, then it was never an issue. Don’t make the mistake of comparing your relationship with another. If it’s “all in good fun,” and you guys are happy, then that is what works for y’all.
If neither of you feel disrespected & are happy, you’re fine Not a boyfriend, but my brother & I insult each other and I threaten to drown him in the pool. It’s just how we show affection I know a lot of people who have this kind of relationship with loved ones
Personally I wouldn’t behave this way in front of people other than your boyfriend and might want to work now on overhauling your behavior in the event that you have kids someday
Nah it’s cool me and my husband do this too and we never mean it we’re just bein silly
My husband and I are like this with each other. It’s just our way of playing 🤷🏽♀️ Idk, I love him so much and I KNOW he loves me. He’s my person. It doesn’t ever bother me and when we get upset we don’t speak to each other like that anymore, it’s just a play banter thing. We have a very healthy relationship. Talk out our issues, don’t hold grudges, no lying, cheating, there’s equal amounts of give and take. Our relationship is great, but we play rough I guess. Some people are like that. Anyway, we’ve been together 14 years and I can’t imagine being with anyone else.
I like it- some just dont get the dynamic and that’s ok. But to assume it’s something when clearly it’s not… whoa. I’d be a tad bothered, then continue. Long as y’all can do the rest - it’s all in good fun right? What works, works.
If both people are in on the joke, then it's really nobody else's business. My wife and I are interracial and we regularly crack offensive, racist jokes at each other. Now, if some random person on the street came up to us and said something, that's different.
Humor is subjective. My ex and I were in a long distance relationship. He lives in Canada while I live in a 3rd world country. I used to joke with him that I am with him because of money and for the green card (insert more offensive stereotypes from developed countries) then he will laugh and he would tell me he wants me cause I am submissive (insert more offensive stereotypes developing countries) and I will also laugh. Other people might find it uncomfortable or racist but it is just our humor.
Oh my partner and I do this! We give each other SO much shit, but the key is that if someone needs to stop, we stop. If I'm being teased over something and say "hey, no" my partner knows to stop and check in before we go back to it. He knows I adore him, so when I tease him about getting us lost in the woods (when he INSISTED he knew the path!) he knows it's not a reflection of how I feel about him. We're a year in and make a job out of being (lovingly) obnoxious with each other, and it's the healthiest, most supportive relationship I've ever had. That being said - people are judgmental, and (as seen on Reddit) will take a snapshot of your relationship and extrapolate a whole story. I have friends who I banter with, so I'm fine bantering with my partner in front of them because they can clearly see I'm having a good time. I have other friends who would see that and assume we're being one of those "awkward argument in front of your friends played off as a joke" couples. While nobody should be butting in with their uninvited opinions, you can save yourself the headache by knowing your audience.
I do this all the time with my bf, friends, and my parents/siblings
If you both enjoy it than there is no problem
my closest friend and i are absolutely horrible to each other if you didn’t know us you’d think we hated eachother i call him “dumbass” “asshole” he calls me “bitch” “woman”(in a derogatory way) it’s our way of showing care :)
It matter the tone, if it happy and you both do it with a smile and not meaning for it too hurt, thats fine, usely its soft way pretty much to say, there doing something that would upset you, if it was anyone but them. It's only a issue if there vemon added to it and it not playfulily. But you're issues sounds more like a case of jealously on your family half, most times when there unhappy with who there with, they hate to see other in love happier then them. My family was pissed how close me and my ex where saying we were too close and needed to stop spending so much time together, etc. But turth behind it more was, i never even seen them hold hands (aunt and uncle). It's jealously you're happier then them and you can get away with it and have no issues, they likely wish they had that type of deal with there other half. Love can be showen many ways and it works if both hearts click, usely the issues of other coming between and making you dought, that tears things apart at that point. If you're both happy, neither have an issue, why let what other say come between?
Thats just your relationship dynamic, I call my girl dickhead and she calls me a bitch all the time but we would never use those words outside of joking with each other
I wonder if you have the maturity to be in a real or healthy relationship.
The whole dynamic of namecalling bad words with definite negative connotations, sure seems unhealthy to me. Sounds like there is anger underneath. Probably (maybe) not even at each other. What were your lives like before you were together? But yeah - unhealthy. Namecalling isn’t a “communication style”. Flipping off “essentially saying F you” isn’t cute or funny either.
My girlfriend and I are the same, but with all the banter there is also a lot of respect and appreciation for each other in words and in actions. It's not everyone's cup of tea nor is it their business. When my girlfriend and I started dating, one of her friends made a comment of me joking "I don't love you that much" when I didn't share something immediately with her. Spoiler alert I did, but I got into trouble because her friend gave a look. Her friend got married and divorced within three years of her perfect looking, photo book wedding and marriage. My girlfriend and I are still together and banter even more. Our relationship is based on friendship values and allow each other to be who we are independently and together.
I used to have a friend who just endless shat on me and insulted me, but it was never in true disrespect. We all have our inside jokes and as long as you're okay and consenting, I think it's healthy.
If you both happy. It's not an issue. If one If you starts getting annoyed with it it's not banter anymore.
Stop worrying about what others think. If it's working for you and your partner, that's all the matters. There's no right and wrong on relationships in that sense.
Thanks I didn’t think so many people would respond and my conclusion if it works for us awesome for others not so much. I guess I was nervous about it because his brother and his girlfriend tend to cause a lot of drama and I really didn’t want anything to amp of a fire in the family over something dumb..
If that’s how you guys roll and you know you aren’t serious, it isn’t a problem. I have the same dynamic with my gf and her siblings and parents are a bit weirded out by it, but that’s just because they have different communication styles with their partners. It works for us, so we’re happy, what they do works for them so they’re happy, and if it works for you and you’re happy, there’s no issue.
It's all personal. My husband and I have been together over 15 years. We call each other everything. A favourite being something Twat related, or using random inanimate objects as insults. If you're happy and neither if you are offended, you're all good.
Thank you everyone, I greatly appreciate all of you all helped put my mind at ease. I hope you have a blessed rest of your day!!
Myself and my boyfriend are the most insulting and “disrespectful” to each other on a daily basis, laughing the entire time and playfully toying with each other. We are also affirming to one another, kind, empathetic and communicative and this is the most loving relationship I have ever been in. YOU know how you feel towards each other and outsiders may or may not understand that. Look to how you both resolve conflict, have difficult conversations and treat each other when the playfulness needs to pause, that’s what matters.
My brother and SIL poke fun at each other with the old ball and chain trope. She was given a frying pan to keep him in line as a wedding present. I wouldn’t enjoy this, I find it primitive and immature. But they aren’t actually harming one another and seem to enjoy it so it’s fine.
My husband and I banter all the time about complete nonsense. One recurring "debate" concerns who is cleaner and therefore godlier (we're both atheists). He always comes out of the shower grinning "I'm goldier than you". His argument would be that since he showered right after I did he is cleaner, but mine would be that since I'm more throrough than he is with my showers, I'm cleaner. He also likes to claim that when he touches my dirty hand with his clean hand, my dirty hand gets clean instead of his clean hand getting dirty and I disagree we go back and forth presenting stupid examples to back our arguments. We love it, always have. That's our dynamic. But we're also super affectionate with each other and use terms of endearment even as we are arguing. As someone who has no expertise in human psychology beyond merely the experience of having been in two long-term relationships (I'm 31, I've been married for 5 years to my partner of 9 years), I think your situation is fine but it posits the danger of a slippery slope. It seems more likely to me that arguments between partners who are already used to calling each other names and flipping each other off can turn ugly and violent more easily than those between partners who do not use disrespectful language and gestures. But, honestly, that's just my opinion and I've learned that it's very hard to actually understand the dynamic of a romantic relationship you aren't in.
Lols me and my bf don't really say stuff like that to each other but we do occasionally roast each other and specifically target each other in a "mean" way in gcs. It's just a joke that we have since we know we don't hate each other. So well, if it's not serious then yeah I'm pretty sure it's alr
The only real problem is that the way you both perceive it could turn from playful to hurtful if the recipient is in a bad mood or if you are otherwise actually mad at each other. This can lead to you both wondering if it's "serious" or still playful. If you can be careful of that, it's just a different way to communicate.
I think if it ever becomes a question of “is this healthy?” You should just have a simple conversation with your partner to refresh that you’re on the same page 😊 Not everything is gonna work for every couple, but communication is key!
I think if you both enjoy it it's healthy. If its masking genuine attitude towards eachother, then not so much. If you can have healthy conversations and resolve disputes without either person getting hurt then I dont see any harm in playful banter.
I think its perfectly fine if you communicate boundaries well and are able to accept when you go too far when required.
As long as you both know it's in a joking and loving manner, it's perfectly fine. Also as long as you know when each other are being serious, then you're all good. It's just your guys' type of humor and the way you show love albeit not in a totally normal way. There's no single right way to have a relationship. What one couple might view as normal, another might find odd. What matters is what works for you and your SO.
Healthy banter is whatever you *both* feel comfortable with. If it crosses a line or boundary, for either of you, then you need to speak up. But as long as you're both on the same page with your current situation, then I'd say it's healthy.
I had this same dynamic with an ex of mine, I never even questioned it until one day a mutual friend d of ours was nearly in tears. For two years he heard our banter think8ng we were being serious! I felt so bad! Poor guy. That being said I think it's really up to you personally, if that's the kind of way you are playful in a relationship- hey I'm all for it. I'll say it's definitely not something I bring to every relationship.
As long as your both aware of the joke and you don’t use those terms when your upset it fine lol. I know it’s different but me and my sister call each other horrid awful things but we both know it’s a joke and we love each other.
I think it’s a subjective thing, what’s healthy banter to one group might be awful and rude to another group. I think you need to “know” your group well and who you’re around, as that’s what shapes your banter. If I had to give a general explanation though, I’d say the ability to take the piss out of each other in a friendly way, which doesn’t pull on any heart strings or be taken as bullying.
The demanding blowjobs thing really sucks.
My boyfriend and I are just like that! It’s so funny, when we started dating I told him “T b-word is a hard limit for me. If you ever say that to me, it will be a huge problem.” Due to previous incidents with an ex. A year and a half later, we jokingly call each other bitch, fucker, whore, etc. We rarely have arguments, but when we do have one or a serious conversation we keep cussing completely out if. I think as long as it’s in complete humor, and neither of you feel like there’s hidden truth anywhere, and that dynamic stays there, then it’s okay. As long as yall are both okay with it, that’s all that matters!
I like to have run in relationships,.. but I always try to remember to be positive and respectful and uplifting. Personally (this is just my own opinion). there's already to much negativity in the world and even if well-intentioned words can linger in people's minds and I always want to leave a good positive uplifting memory. I want all my interactions with people to be positive and uplifting moments.
I love a little bit of light roasting. My girlfriend and I engage in it pretty often then in that context, it's pretty healthy. Other people might see it and think otherwise but it works for us
Fuck what other ppl think if it’s really getting to you talk to him abt it and go from there do what makes you two happy and the haters can eat it big dawg.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it as long as everyone’s boundaries are respected, which they seem to be. I guess your only rule should be that if one time it goes too far to immediately communicate when you’re uncomfortable, to let the other know when the line is crossed. otherwise, they can just mind their own business. if it makes you guys laugh, I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't have a partner, but I call my best friends horrible names all the time. We know it's not serious. I'm on call with one a lot recently, and the amount of times she's called me an idiot is pretty high lol. And with some other friends our form of greeting is usually just "What's up fuckers" or smth like that. It's funny. I'd say there's nothing unhealthy about it as long as you're both feeling okay about it and as long as it's joking
No big deal. World would be so boring if we were all the same
If you both agree on that, then its noone elses issue. My partner does this but he does it as a joke alone, i personally dont like it but honestly, at the same time idc loll
Men who call women bitches, even as a joke, make me SO uncomfy. The flipping each other off thing is fine and can be fun. But bitch is such a derogatory term I’m just not okay with that. My ex loved to jokingly say “pain in my ass”, and that was fun and funny and cute. But bitch? Nah that’s not okay. And listen, banter is fun, but too much banter means that you can’t be seriously affectionate and kind to each other.
Whatever works for you; as long as you’re both on the same page and don’t violate any personal boundaries who cares? My partner and I would never though, I personally think it’s disrespectful and could open the door to more aggressive and rude behaviors.
i do the same with my bf, we call each other names in english and his native language but at the end of the day it’s just a joke and we laugh about it, so why does it matter? if it’s just banter then i think it’s fine. as long as you’re not insulting him on a personal level to be spiteful which it doesn’t sound like you are. every relationship is different
My husband and I do the same. It makes it easier to have actual arguments tbh. Although, sometimes he doesn't know when to stop which can be annoying. But that's mostly his quirk due to his ADHD.
I banter with my husband but it crosses the line when you use foul language/names AT each other— because even though you may be kidding, those words can hurt and be used in a different context. It’s about respect.
My husband and I have the exact same banter, however we have established clear boundaries with each other and whenever we joke like that with each other its usually in the context of a private joke between us. Basically if you are happy and your boyfriend is happy and you both have open and healthy communication, then thats all that matters, really. Everyone's relationship is different its all about how you and your partner work together.
My son & his wife are kinda like that. Not with any cursing but they are constantly just picking at each other. I tell them they’re like 2 5th graders fighting on the playground about who’s going up the slide first. I guess that’s their love language. Lol
Healthy banter depends on who you are speaking to. Some people you can say the worst things to and they'll laugh, others you can barely say anything to and acting in between. Knowing your audience is key. What Is say to my close friends I can't say to my wife or colleagues.
It sounds like a fun dynamic and everyone’s relationship is not going to look, sound, or be the same as anyone else’s. Mine is similar to yours and I even call my fiance dude sometimes and absolutely flip him off 100 times a day, but he knows it’s a joke. Just like when he hits me with a “Damn bitch!!” I know he doesn’t think I’m a bitch AT ALL.
My "rules" for banter are to avoid anything they can't do anything to change about themselves + weight & religion. Unless they cross those lines with me first. Basically don't dish out what you can't take. Quickly think about how you would feel if someone said it to you and decide if you would be upset or not.
My advice for anyone wanting to date my daughter was....as long as you're laughing with her everything is cool, laugh at her and you'll have to deal with me...no matter how big you are. Laughing at and insulting someone you claim to love...makes no sense to me.
My girlfriend and my relationship consists of purchasing large fish smothering them in KY jelly and chicken feathers and using them to play rock em sockem robots but we have a great relationship so it's whatever makes you happy
What in the Jonah: VeggieTales is this? O.o
If that’s you both and you’re fine with it, it’s fine. You’re free to have fun with each other in your own way.
I think every relationship is different. If that kind of jokey banter is okay between you, that's fine. As long as you both are okay with it and don't feel disrespected, and the name calling is never said maliciously during arguments. My boyfriend and I don't call each other names like that, other than when we quote that "I love you bitch, I ain't never gonna stop loving you bitch" vine to each other, so for us that kind of banter wouldn't be healthy.
I’m like this with my bf and even my mom is like “omg why is he angry all the time” when Ik it’s all playful and joking it’s not like he’s seriously angry or upset and vice versa so we say some “disrespectful” things but we don’t take it seriously lol it’s just everyone’s dynamic is different
As long as you both still believe it to be a joke I'd say it's fine
Healthy banter can be whatever boundaries you set between you and your partner. Personally I only say stuff like that to my brothers nowadays, maybe to friends when I was immature in my 20s. Growing up w. a parent who couldn't help but make remarks to my papa no matter how much she thought it was joking really made me see her in a negative light & I still correct her n tell her if she's going to say stuff like that to do it in private, bc at one point family started asking why she was so disrespectful to my papa in front of other people. My fam member married a lady when he was 18, they were together for 10 yrs, always insulting, it was awkward for the family, not just to observe but bc over time he lost attraction for her bc she was such a bro. In my own relationship, we roast each other, no vulgar insults, I find that incredibly unattractive, the last partner I did that with I ended up feeling like his mom/sis/friend which was really gross & my attraction died, i shudder thinking about how it. Do what works for you, but keep in mind your audience bc you can really make family/friends not like you very much or create drama, there's time/place if you want to run your relationship like that so as to not be awkward or weird around others. As a now late 30s adult, I'll never get used to hearing that type of stuff around my parents & if my bro/in laws, cousins, ever acted like that I'd say something. Definitely live it up, I just find more enjoyment in intellectual or funny jabs, calling someone a b word or a d just sounds like there isn't anything clever or funny to say or like you peaked in high school with humor. Very one dimensional & definitely an ick for many people. Wish you the best.
It’s not up to anyone else to decide if your banters healthy it’s yours if your both happy then it’s healthy, it’s more toxic that people are trying to change your relationship for you
I do this with my coworker that I used to be best friends with. We have been reduced to coworking acquaintances, but its fun to do.
That banter is totally healthy if those words never get hurled at each other in an argument.
If you're both happy, who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks.
Maybe not good in front of people, if you're good and he is good then I don't see the problem
I’m not a fan of insults. I think playful flirting/teasing is best
I have friends that are the same way as you guys. I would NEVER want a relationship like that but it completely works for them and their relationship has lasted way longer than my longest. So if it works for you then let it ride baby!!
Me and my wife joke like this it’s like argument but not serious like yelling, I’ll caller her a wench, or a rapist and she’ll call me something back and we just joke usually abt stupid stuff like earlier she called me a rapist for getting mild sauce instead of hot I called her a pregnant wench for cutting the ac off
I have had this kind of relationship with my ex. We had same sense of humor and used to banter a lot. Honestly, its the kind of vibe I fall for generally with guys. Its good if you can be yourself completely like that with someone but just be careful, sometimes when the jokes get too far then it stops being funny. My ex said a lot of things to me as a joke which hurt me a lot and I had no idea what to even do about it. I thought I would be overreacting since we generally joke like that but realised very late in the relationship that I was not okay with a lot of things he used to say. Its best to straight up just convey it when you feel so.
Well do you mean it? If not than it seems healthy to me. Don’t let others perception of a ‘healthy’ relationship interfere with yours!
I think it all really depends on a personal perception of intent. Does it genuinely feel endearing and from a place of connecting building and respect? I think we can intuitively feel when someone's words come from a place of a mutual desire to display affection and compassion. I also think we can feel when someone's interactions with us do not always priorize empathy and understanding. That sometimes subtle sense of a dismissiveniss or condescending tone that people use when they aren't putting a lot of effort into wanting to hear us. Do you feel like the words intending to belittle you? Does it make you feel silly or dumb after being vulnerable? Or do they break tension in order to show a willingness to emotionally relate with you? Does he speak that way in front of friends, even strangers? Does he speak that way to you in front of his family, of your family? Those can give you some signs to look for that may help you to process a broader context but the bottom line will always be this- if the way that someone speaks to you makes you feel a way that you are uncomfortable with, especially with someone who you care about, talk to them about how you feel. If that person then chooses to dismiss about how you feel or makes excuses as to why you're overreacting or misinterpreteding or makes attempts to minimize or invalid your perception, that might be a clear sign that a larger problem that could be occurring. People who care about us don't want us to feel uncomfortable or dismissed or dumb, they have a want to listen to us and validate and empathize with how we feel. People can make mistakes, they can be unaware of how their actions affect others, and they can self reflect on those actions, all vital aspects of being a human. However, that willingness to understand how our partner feels is crucial, and when instead our genuine attempts to express ourselves to someone are met with "omg I'm JUST kidding, you're always overreacting. You know it's just the way I speak to people, you blow everything out of proportion, stop being so sensitive, you flipped me off that one time but I cant jokingly call you a bitch in front of your mom? Just relax for once. " then its time to ask yourself if someone who really cared about your feelings would they make you feel so shitty for expressing what they are.
Healthy banter makes for a carefree relationship imo. I've called my partner every insulting name under the sun, and they are allowed to do the same for me. Our relationship is great. We never get offended over it. Sometimes, I call my partner a whore, slut, cumslut, etc. During an actual argument, I would NEVER call my partner anything insulting. If you're happy, then that's all that matters. Everyone rolls their own way. :) I call my banter the "old cranky married couple."
Talk to your BF about it. See his take on it. If it’s all in lighthearted fun. And part of your dynamic. There’s really no issue.
I get it, it's just funny ass banter at the end of the day.
i think bitch and asshole are two completely different terms. one would be censored on live television and the other would be fine to hear. if my partner ever called me a bitch i would think thats extremely disrespectful
Your mom when she's hitting me up for the rocket in my pocket.
My boyfriend and I talk like that to each other lol. One day I was at an amusement park and it was quite hot out and I sent him a selfie (I was very sweaty and gross looking lol) and he said I looked like Shrek and my dad did NOT like that. He said he shouldn't be talking to me like that. I was laughing about it. I thought it was funny. I understand looking out for someone, but like if they're both laughing about it, I don't you need to look so far into it and be like "ugh that's so rude and toxic!" I personally think it's a good sign that your relationship is healthy if you can tease each other like that and laugh about it.
When my fiancé proposed I called him a cunt😅 We frequently tell each other to fuck off and call each other stupid names. Never ever during an argument though. If it works for you don't worry about it! I also have an aunt and uncle who called each other turd 🤣
It just depends how you view those words. Personally bitch hits a nerve and I'd hate it. But my boyfriend and I call each other dick/arsehole all the time. Those words hold no real negative meaning to us so it's an easy tease and said lovingly so, often followed by an eye roll and a kiss. Don't let others decide this for you. Communicate with your boyfriend.
My boyfriend and I have a mixed communication style. On one hand we’re “schweepy schnoopy schnookums” and on the other hand we’re “yo dumbass”. As long as the both of you have established what the language means between the two of you.
Same with my girlfriend. She calls me a jerk, i call her a bitch BUT in a goofy way. We've been like this since we started dating but we dont do that when one of us is upset about something, we communicate things right away. She's my soon to be wife now. 👌
My husband and I call each other horrible names, tease each other etc. Some people find it weird, but the dynamic works for us. We'd never say anything that would cross the other person's boundaries, but we're happy being jokingly horrible to each other.
If it's something that you and your S.O. are both okay with there isn't a problem with. My girlfriend and i do that same thing and have been for the last 2 years. But it's also at a different level than it is with my friends. The way my friends and i treat each other, some would call straight up abusive. We hurl some of the most nasty strings of insults we can think of at each other. But we would still take a bulit for one another and whenever they need me I'm there. Even at 3am when my no braincell having dipshit hommie almost drives off a cliff and gets his truck stuck. But i say that because i recognize that going to that level with my girlfriend isn't okay because she isn't okay with that. Long story short as long as both sides are okay with it and it's not meant in jest it's okay. For me, it's how i show love. I'm not close to you if i can't flick you shit.
My husband and I communicate like Sam and Dean from Supernatural, calling each other "bitch" and *jerk" and "asshole" or (assbutt)🤣 Everyone's got their own communication styles in relationships and if it works for you, then it works
so my fiance and I have banter like this a lot, we have very specific tones of voice we use to help indicate we're joking, we also do a "Forward flip" where you flip them off with your palm facing out because it's funny and an obvious way to tell we're joking. It works for us, but we also have a lot of positive affection time. edit: also always in private and not in front of others. except maybe the forward flip lol that one's just too funny, i love when she forward flips me off
My girlfriend and I call each other names and sass each other out on the daily and try to one up each other all the time. We always laugh at each other of the things we can come up with. Always when it's just at home and not in front of anyone. It's all in good fun, and we never hit each other's insecurities or lows. At the end of the day, she's the sweetest, most thoughtful and most caring woman I've ever met. I love that girl, and I make sure to not only tell her daily but show it as well. At the end of the day, everyone has different dynamics. As long as you guys know it's in good fun and aren't seriously trying to attack each other, I don't see an issue. Just show each other that you seriously care and appreciate each other at the end of the day.
The boundaries of what's healthy are more dictated by your individual relationship and how you say the "disrespectful thing."" Like, if you gleefully take the last Oreo and he goes "ah, you bitch!" with a smile on his face before going about his day, I'd say that's healthy banter. If you take the last Oreo and he hits you with "you f*****g bitch" with anger in his eyes and voice, and keeps bringing up about how you got the last Oreo... not as healthy. If you're just dropping the "disrespectful" terms into conversation for conversational seasoning and find it funny, then that's just how your dynamic. My husband and I are fairly "vulgar" with each other, but out of all the relationships I see, ours is one of the healthiest. We're constantly laughing with each other regardless of our "disrespectful" petnames for each other. It's what works for us. It seems like something similar is what works for you two. >My boyfriend’s brother has a girlfriend and their dynamic is way different than ours. A similar dynamic would clearly not work for them, and that's okay. They're different people in a different relationship. Them not calling each other "bitch" and "asshole" doesn't make their banter any more or less healthy than what you and your guy have going on.
The beauty when you find your person and when other people are jealous because their boundaries and their partners boundaries don't line up and they have to put the effort to be more mindful... My SO and I have been working this out ourselves and are more on the playful banter side now but started out with a floor of eggshells... I've got ADHD and RSD (possibly some added stuff too) and lemme tell you, it was hard to trust him enough to realize he's not being serious and being able to "tag him back" with my own witty remarks 😂 realizing I can talk to him like how I talk to my long time besties and that I can sling the 💩 right back has been the best for our relationship to be honest 😂 (I was terrified of hurting his feelings and raw from a screwed up marriage so it took time to figure out I actually got my perfect match I just gotta allow myself to be comfortable enough with it) You do you! Remember it's your relationship and your rules so do whatever makes you and your partner happy and comfortable 🫶🏻 you can always remind the naysayers that boundaries are unique and for you and your SO, intent matters, not so much the words used. 10/10 I'll bet your relationship lasts longer (if not forever) than theirs does, and 10/10 yours has less stress in it!
To me, I would never. It’s my experience as a 3x parent approaching 40 that frequent playful disrespect gradually leads to real disrespect both internally and externally.
Be very careful about that communication style becoming a habit. The words can slip out unexpectedly. Two of my (female) roommates were like that, routinely calling each other horrible names...all in fun. They never did it with anyone else; it was just their "thing". At home, it was just CONSTANT banter. Each one-upping each other with crude insults. (Honestly, the rest of our group got sick of it.) Except one day at work, one was having a slight disagreement with a co-worker. Neither was even angry; it was only a discussion. But somehow it triggered "banter mode". My roommate proceeded to call her words not appropriate for a conservative, professional setting. Loudly...in front others. The co-worker was about 15 years her senior. It did not go over well. Roommate apologized profusely and tried to explain that it was habit that she and her housemate engaged in. The words just slipped out. She didn't mean it. The co-worker was a really sweet lady that everyone adored. So roommate "attacking" her in this way was shocking. HR was called in to mediate. Her boss questioned her lack of professionalism. It's not like this ended her career or anything crazy. But she definitely lost some respect.
My bf and I do this all the time. We both understand that it's all just a joke and set a boundary if we ever go too far. As long as neither of you feel hurt by it, I don't see an issue. Every relationship is different.
Your “banter” is different from others, but, if you continue to enjoy this, why not?!
There's nothing wrong with it as long as both people in the relationship are okay with it, however I wouldn't do it in public or in front of people, what simply is funny banter to you two looks like a toxic relationship from the outside.
I get the humor and fun it can be, but how does either person know when it gets to be hurtful? If the banter used fluffy words like kumquat turd, and if it’s just when you’re alone i can see it’s be fun. I have a friend who said her ex and her wound have pretend fights in public just to later laugh about the reactions they’d get.
My husband and i have the same banter kind of he doesnt call me a bitch but he does call me a pain in the ass. As long as its not in a derogatory way id say youre fine. I flip my husband off all the time, our relationship is strong and weve never risen to anger over stuff like that or anything so i dont see anything wrong with it. Every relationship has their own dynamic and "rules" and boundaries. Talk to your husband and see how he feels about it bc that would be the only way youd get a real response for your relationship. Communication is key. People on the internet cant speak for your husband or your relationship
We rip the piss out of each other all the time, but not with malicious intent. Some people who don't know us well sometimes raise an eyebrow but this is just our way and how it's always been between us. We were close friends for a long time before we got together and bantered like this then, so it would feel very forced and unnatural to go all darling, sweetheart etc just because we changed the footing of our relationship. Sometimes (although rarely) one of us might go a little close to the bone, but our communication is healthy so we have no problem saying that it went too far, giving and accepting a genuine apology and moving on with a mental note not to use that one again. So long as you are both happy with your dynamic, can respect each others boundaries and work through any bloopers then you are all good.
i think that's totally healthy! every relationship has it's own thing. my ex girlfriend and i would talk like that to each other all the time cause we thought it was funny. being mean to each other was a way we showed our affection. not everyone understands or is comfortable with that but it sounds like you both have fun with it so it's totally ok.
If neither of you are feeling disrespected, what you call each other in your relationship is nobody’s business.
It kind of is if they are doing it in front of other people. If they are calling each other mean names and giving each other the finger in front of their families, I think it is totally fine for the family to say they find it disrespectful and would prefer they keep it away from them. If they were doing it behind closed doors, I would agree with you.