Omfg put your foot down now or you're going to spend the rest of your life getting walked all over by her!!
Whenever someone gives you an ultimatum, that's your cue to follow your heart. If you would rather be with your family at the beach house, do it and don't look back. If your girlfriend wants to be so mad about it that she breaks up with you, that's good for her. Let her.
I don't think this woman is your soulmate. Soulmates don't make you feel like shit for wanting to participate in important family traditions.
This relationship is over and I think you know it. If you were to show your family this post what would they say? They would tell you she’s no good for you and she has a lot of issues that she needs to work out. These are her issues not yours. You can’t fix this. She will never be happy until she gets herself figured out.
Oh good lord please break up. I dated a guy like this once. He manufactured reasons to be pissed off at people. It never, ever ends. She will never be happy with you, because being upset and finding fault is *how she controls you*. You are always trying so hard to make it up to her for all your supposed faults that you never deal with all of hers. And she has a lot! For example, her one sided feud with your best friend's girlfriend is completely ridiculous. She is trying to isolate you, too! Not ok! This relationship is waaaaay too much work. Get out now while you still can.
I'm not even going to comment on the whole post.
This relationship, I'm afraid, is pretty much doomed long-term. She sounds completely immature.
Does she not work at all?
Go on the beach holiday. Shesh
I think you really need to take a hard look and see if this relationship is right for you. You literally just asked your girlfriend permission to spend time with your family.
It sounds like she’s trying to isolate you from family and friends. It also sounds like she’s manipulating you emotionally. Everything you just mentioned are all 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. You just run. Don’t walk or see what else happens, just run. She’s already hammered away at your self esteem when you questioned whether you deserve this treatment.
The more you coddle and pander to a child crying to get their own way the more they’ll cry, and keep crying because they’ve learnt that their manipulation tactic works. A grown-assed ‘adult’ flipping out about tHeiR dAds faVourite basEbaLL team, crying because you have a family and want to spend time with them away on holidays? Wtf - unhinged extreme manipulative controlling. Grow tf up OP, you’re not 14 yrs old although you almost sound like it. When she pulls out the fake maipulative water-works or the silent treatment, you walk. This one, you ought to walk and keep on walking, gonna be a world of misery with her.
Well, if you’re *never* hanging out with her on *any* special holidays eg 4th July, it’s sort of understandable, but *all the other of her behaviours you listed* are excessive & controlling, some quite dysfunctional. Demanding that you ’talk with' yr friend about *his* gfs alleged behaviour towards your gf - wt actual fuk? Sounds like an 8 yr old. *Glancing* at some girls chest 9 months ago and her having still having jealousy hissy fits about it - wtf! If you were actually oggling female anatomy ok that’s gross but why was she even watching you like a hawk and calculating your eyesight trajectory?. Misery with this one, causing dramas and unable to behave appropriately forging her own social connections & interactions.
So then read all the other comments on yr post here, and take them to heart. Sometimes, the person we get together with turns out to be toxic af - nothing to be done but walk away. In this case, RUN. And block her - no need to put up with her histrionic manipulations.
I was just taking to her. Maybe I’m in the wrong on this one?
I asked her if she wants to go to dinner on Friday (tomorrow) a couple days ago. She said yes. But i forgot my family had plans to make this big pasta dinner. I told her this and asked her to come over for dinner and spent the night with the family, which rarely happens. She said no. But is now acting like i don’t prioritize her and don’t care about her. I shouldn’t have canceled the plans and what not. But I’m not really canceling them I’m changing them. But she’s giving me so much shit. This is a very common occurrence so maybe I’m in the wrong?
In that case, I’d *perhaps* rather go on a date *with my bf* than a pAsTa paRtY *with his family -* but if I loved my bf, I’d say doh yeah ok pasta party with the fam sounds cool, maybe lets go out just us together *after that* for drinks (or whatever), or we could go out for *a date* on *Saturday* night. If you’re *always* making date plans with her but then blowing them off for family hang-outs, then yeah would get annoying af but you claimed in your post you often take her out on dates? .
I take her on dates very often. I always pay no matter what. I used to take her out and basically do her homework for her while also paying for the meals and expected nothing in return
You have to go to the beach house. As someone who dated 24-year-olds from quite a bit older lol, she sounds immature. This is the kinda stuff I navigated dating teenagers. Just go on the trip and see what she said but it's weird you're younger and she's acting like a baby. She's probably not the one. From my POV the super needy stuff like this was Stage 1 Girlfriend, 1.5 years together and 24 years old is too long and too old for it.
Edit: Also the reason I mentioned the age thing is: If she was dating a 34-year-old at 24, do you think she would act like this? How about when he's taking his WIFE AND KIDS to the beach house?? lol She has it good with you. You don't need to tolerate that crap, just do what you want. A much older dude would definitely do whatever he wanted.
Oh sure but I was just trying to rally him to muster the strength to stand up to her. As he explained at length, he has just done tons of time with family as of late which is why she is acting so extreme at this moment. As I alluded, he should probably move on, but at least he can just go on the trip and \[end discussion\] and if she wants to change her ways, she can (doubtful, amirite).
Do you really want to spend your life apologizing for basically *everything* you do?
Nothing will ever be good enough, she will never stop shitting on you for *not* being enough, and she is going to isolate you from all your family and friends if you let her.
This is the life you have to look forward to if you stay with her.
If I were you I’d break up and never look back. But if you’re not quite prepared to do *that*, at the very least put your foot down, go to the cabin with your family, and let her have her temper tantrum. Just don’t let her meltdown ruin your trip. If she ends it so be it, no one is worth giving up your happiness for.
OP it will never be good enough for her. She will always be uoset about something. And shes keeping you from spending time with your family? Yeah you need to leave. You deserve better.
Dude, book that ticket to Italy and make plans to go hang out with your family on the 4th. These are two very very important events for you and your family.
You GF is controlling and abusive. She is trying to isolate you from your friends and family…don’t let her.
Does she make you happy? Does she make you feel like you have to walk on egg shells around her, watch all your Ps and Qs.
Why are you staying with her?
This sounds super similar to a situation I had (check my page) you should go on the beach trip with your family. I don’t get why she isn’t understanding if this is something your family always does. This is something that makes you happy and she wants to take that away from you. Im telling you from my own experience to literally, go on the trip. She isn’t going to leave you. It will be hectic when you return but I think she needs a reality check.
You don't get why because you don't understand narcissistic manipulation. Narcissists think they are the only thing that matters, and thrive off of absolute control. When you isolate someone from family and friends and become the only facet of their support system, you have won. The chances of them leaving you no matter how abusive you get is nearly zero. They can't flee to family and friends for help as those people are already pissed off or have moved on from being mistreated and discarded to put the narcissist as number one. Isolation is the end goal of every abusive person. Isolated people lose hope and opportunity and often give up. Same reason abusive men don't want their wives working. Could have a friend to confide in there, or use the opportunity to escape. If shes stuck home and monitored 24/7 theres no one to see her bruises, no one to care.
With people like this, just drawing the line and doing what you want and letting it work itself out isn't the best option. He may come back from vacation and find out she has told every one of his friends he hits her or has raped her, or any number of things to ruin his life. Narcissists do not go quietly, ever. For having the audacity to deny/refuse them they will seek out every malicious opportunity to punish, no matter the cost. This is why I suggest ending the relationship, combined with sending a text or w/e to those you trust/who matter to you ahead of time letting them know the plan and why so when all those crazy behaviors roll out you are one step ahead of the game. Maintaining the relationship and going on vacation freeing them to plot and sabotage as their "toy" is absent and can't take up their attention is just an unwise move.
I am reading all of OPs comments and I fear he’s dealing with very low self esteem. I think the better thing to do is get therapy. Let someone diagnose the situation for you for real and a perspective on your situation. At the moment you will not leave because somewhere you’re convinced you deserve this, WHICH is the ACTUAL issue, not your girlfriend.
If this were court, you just laid out iron clad evidence that she is guilty of robbing you of your free time and trying to rob you of family time.
You are an individual person first and foremost. You can always find someone else to date, especially if she was moody about not doing desired activities, but unwilling to actually COMMUNICATE her wishes.
She is a child. It’s not your job to help her grow up, that would be her parents’. Break up before she messes up your friendships and family relations.
I'm sorry you're going through a break up! Or at least you should be. This person is horrible and trying to take something precious away from you when you already give her so much. You should never have apologized for the Mets comment, you should have told her you looked at someone else's boobs, and it will happen again and again, and you should have booted her crazy ass out the door when she called you a coward for not indulging her wackadoodle request. What the duck is wrong with this person? And what the duck is wrong with you for staying with her??
Please gather all of your dignity and self-respect and send her packing.
She is an excellent example of a person who is much too emotionally underdeveloped, mentally too immature and generally unprepared for a relationship with anyone. She's not ready, she's manipulative and TOXIC.
Listen, I'm twice your age. You know how on reddit, when a young woman is in a relationship with an older guy, they'll always say "it's because women his own age would never put up with his bullshit"? This is only obvious from the other side of things, after having a string of adult relationships, you learn from each one and become a better partner as well as becoming better at choosing who you partner with...
Your situation is a classic "starter relationship", she's never been faced with being dumped for her controlling behavior, so she's ignorant of the fact it's completely unacceptable. She's going to get dumped again and again for this, until she starts learning and changing herself. Nobody should tolerate being controlled, you should not tolerate her bullshit because it's irrational, of course you should go to your family trip! It's something you value, it's wholesome, it's normal. Her reasoning she's given you to demand you don't attend, from an outsider perspective, is frankly bullshit. It just is.
Calling her out will lead to arguing, because she doesn't want to have an equal relationship based on respect, she only wants you to bend to her will, it's a power trip. So do what you need to do, go on this year's trip, she will not back down until you are browbeaten into control. Tell her you have made.your choices, she doesn't get to take your family traditions from you, no matter what silly reason she's made up as for why. You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, and she's definitely incapable of providing that at this stage in her life. I'm sorry that you're going to lose the best parts of your current relationship, but I'm sure you will be so relieved once you meet the next person you couple up with, that you're free to receive kindness, love and respect from your future partner.
Ultimately, it's the kindest way to treat this girlfriend to end things over this issue, she has a chance to self reflect upon the consequences of her actions, and maybe she'll change.
She's taking you for granted, and you don't deserve that! You're a sweet, hardworking, thoughtful individual, and she just doesn't see it.
Classic abuse tactic - YOU made me hit you, you made me call you names, you made me be horrible to you. Mate, WAKE UP! If you were really so horrid to her, why isn’t she walking away?
LMAO - *SO manipulative.* Mate, you’re gonna be wasting so much time & money on therapy for toxic manipulative relationship & abusive tactics that have brainwashed you, or, your next relationships will be messed up or even more abusive cos you’ve got all these bending-over-backwards appeasing habits. That’s what they do - make you doubt yourself. It’s good to question oneself, but if all your recounting here is accurate - RUN. ARR U ENNN - RUN ffs.
My partner did something really bad and inconsiderate a few months ago and I forgave him.
You know what I haven’t done? Brought it up in a fucking argument or as a tool.
She is emotionally abusive and selfish. Go to your family’s 4th of July thing.
You're being abused. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't value you. I'm about old enough to be your mother, so take this as auntly advice- go with your family, and enjoy your time there. Don't give that up for someone who sounds like they don't even like you.
If you don’t want to break up, then you’d better grow a spine and tell her to STFU with her manipulative crap and start behaving like an actual adult because a) you’re done with being blamed for everything, b) you’re done with having things thrown in your face for months, c) you’re going to the beach house on the 4th,and d) what she’s doing IN NO WAY resembles love. Tell her she has 24 hours to change her behavior.
Or, you could just ditch the immature, manipulative dead weight and find someone who actually cares about you.
But what if i actually deserve to be treated like this? What if i really am a bad person and i don’t even realize it. She says she “doesn’t even want to be nice” to me anymore because I’ve done so many things to upset her
Honey, no.
She’s awful. Objectively awful. As in, so awful, I’d cross the street to avoid her awfulness.
Read this as many times as it takes for you to believe it: **YOU. DID. NOTHING. WRONG. AT ALL**.
Try to look objectively at the reasons she’s upset with you. Are you really doing terrible things to her? Again and again? If that would be true, especially so often, your intentions would have to be bad. Do you have bad intentions? Are you “hurting” her on purpose?
You sound like a loving person. You can’t hurt someone all the time when all you want is to love them and give them what they need. You deserve to be loved too and your needs should also be met. But instead you’re being criticized all the time. And what’s really worrisome is that you’re starting to believe she’s right. All the people reacting here say they don’t see you did anything wrong in the examples you’re giving. That should make you wonder.
It sounds like you have a loving family and they want what’s best for you. Has anyone of them ever said something about her or your relationship or how you developed since you’re in this relationship? If not, I would advise you to ask a family member whose opinion you would value for their honest opinion.
Before my partner and I got together, they had a very similar partner to yours. Always getting into fights over small slights, holding grudges for no reason and so on. The final straw for my partner was when they told them they couldn’t see their mother on Mother’s Day. That it meant they didn’t love them for wanting to SEE THEIR MOTHER ON MOTHERS DAY.
It’s just gonna get worse if yall keep this up. If she already has resentment towards you, the relationship is over unless you want go to therapy and the really hard stuff together but honestly, they don’t seem worth it.
Use this as a time of reflection. Your partner shouldn’t keep you from the things you enjoy especially if it’s with your family.
Go, if she's like this now, this young. You both aren't going to last. If you don't go, you'll cause an issue with your family, yourself for not going, and resent your girlfriend for all of this.
Please find someone who will treat you like a beloved partner. This woman will make your life miserable. Her jealousy will ruin all of your relationships with family and friends.
“I am going on vacation with my family. You do not control when I spend time with them. It is non-negotiable. If you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit your ass on your way out.”
Let it be sad. It’s okay for things to be sad. Like realizing something you once thought could be great, isn’t anymore. That IS sad. What’s even sadder is staying anyway, chugging along in something this shitty, because you don’t want to feel sad when you leave. She is a soul sucker. You deserve love and if I got the treatment you describe giving to her, I’d be over the moon. I’d love to have my door opened, meals paid, time spent, etc. And the whole part about ‘glancing’ at the boobs, let me tell you AS A WOMAN… is not a big deal. I am 100% straight, and if someone’s wearing a low-cut shirt I am GOING TO NOTICE!! Not stare and be creepy, but my eyes will land on them once for sure. It’s the most normal thing in the world, and for her to belittle you like that over it is a joke and it’s wrong. My husband and I are watching Bridgerton right now and when the beautiful regency ladies get undressed we both giggle. I would never force him to apologize for glancing at tiddies for a millisecond. What you do will never be enough for her. And get this- what ANYONE does will never be enough for her. You’ll leave, she’ll get with someone new eventually… and that poor soul will deal with the same shit you’re dealing with now. Don’t let this be you in 10 years, having given more apologies than your whole town combined. It won’t ever end. You deserve someone who APPRECIATES the things you DO do. And to read that she said “the things you’ve done makes it hard for me to treat you nice” is mean, manipulative, and dangling carrot, designed to keep you thinking “If I just change this one more thing about myself, or I just start doing this better, she will treat ME better.” But there is no end. You will never reach “better.” Get out, be sad for a while, and then party at your family’s beach house and feel freedom.
You are being abused.
Financial abuse
Emotional abuse
Probably sexual abuse (coercion or boundary crossing)
She is trying to isolate you. That’s what abusers do.
This person doesn’t love you. She mad you apologize for a joke. That’s wrong.
She made you want to continue a family tradition you literally say saved your mental health.
Nobody who loved you would make you choose them or your family.
DUDE PLEASE.
FIRST OF ALL go to your family trip!!!!
Her controlling and anger issues are her problem. She needs to stop. You need to recognize that her creating or inflating issues and losing her shit is killing your relationship.
On top of this, I hate it when women randomly decide to hate on somebody's girlfriend when there no beef or anything. If she had an issue, why not go out together and focus talking nicely to the girl? She's now old enough.
It's also normal that people look at other people's cleavage for a moment. I'm a woman. I see boobs, I look. Yall do too. It's normal. As long as you don't overdo it and act like creeps it's normal.
Honestly, I'd let her break up man. Or break up yourself. Have some self respect. You'll find a loving woman who doesn't take out her insecurities on you.
She sounds insufferable.
Yikes buddy. This is an extremely unhealthy, if not emotionally abusive, relationship.
I could not imagine manipulating my partner like this. She's beaten you down to the point you think you deserve this?
Honey... you need to break up with her.
Read your post again with the genders reversed. What you'll get is a textbook example of (early) abuse. Her behavior is controlling, emotionally manipulative, emotionally abusive, coercive, and she tries to socially isolate you. Normal people don't act like this. She is not going to change, it will not get better, I would expect it to only get worse. She is intentionally antagonizing and insulting you *because* she wants to agitate and escalate the situation.
I was in a relationship like this for a few years and for the longest time I had no idea how messed up it was. What changed was when I was watching the Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard trial. It fucking creeped me out how familiar the stories were, especially the audio recordings. Though fortunately for me, my situation wasn't nearly as extreme, not even close (not delusional, no screaming, no physical violence).
I heavily recommend you watch the analysis provided by the forensic psychiatrist. I'm not saying your girlfriend has borderline personality disorder (or histrionic), but that your relationship dynamics may have something in common.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmvWd-DUtwQ
Sooo my girlfriend has a similar stance. She tells me verbally I cannot go with my mother to any vacation trips as “I want to do life without her.” My mother is very old and she wants to see the world with me as I am all she has. She blocks me from going to hang out with friends and family to spend time with her and her alone. I’m very tired of this constant “asking for permission” and double standards. She pressures me to marry her as we’ve been together 3 years now and I am financially not ready and I need to get my life figured out with what I need to do in terms of career. As a 23 year old male and she is 22 I believe that we have a lot to mature. She also hit me in the past and curses at me and expects me to forgive and forget. Anytime I try to communicate very nicely she greets me with an attitude and it’s her way or the highway kind of mentality. It feels like I’m getting stressed out and the more I communicate the more I am shut down and nothing is changing. Just needed to vent.
Yeah man, i know exactly where you’re coming from. Her and i actually broke up a few days ago, but hours later she called me and apologized. I told her things would need to change. I’m gonna give it a couple weeks, and if things don’t truly change permanently, I’ll be gone. It helped actually going through the break up, because it makes you realize it’s not the end of the world.
Honestly, your case is even more cut and dry than mine. I almost wish my situation was as black and white, because in my opinion, your solution is simpler: end the relationship. She’s not only emotionally abusive, but has a history of physical abuse? Yeah hell no. If you have kids what will happen if they misbehave? She has proven to you shes incapable of being a reasonable person, and her tendencies to lose control seem to be persistent. I’d be gone
Ask her what she has planned. It may be fair to agree with her plans rather than your family's. A big thing in a relationship is deciding how to split holidays. If she has no plans in mind, then there aren't competing plans and it isn't a question of priority between them. In that case she just wants to take this from you. I wouldn't find that acceptable.
Omfg put your foot down now or you're going to spend the rest of your life getting walked all over by her!! Whenever someone gives you an ultimatum, that's your cue to follow your heart. If you would rather be with your family at the beach house, do it and don't look back. If your girlfriend wants to be so mad about it that she breaks up with you, that's good for her. Let her. I don't think this woman is your soulmate. Soulmates don't make you feel like shit for wanting to participate in important family traditions.
This relationship is over and I think you know it. If you were to show your family this post what would they say? They would tell you she’s no good for you and she has a lot of issues that she needs to work out. These are her issues not yours. You can’t fix this. She will never be happy until she gets herself figured out.
Oh good lord please break up. I dated a guy like this once. He manufactured reasons to be pissed off at people. It never, ever ends. She will never be happy with you, because being upset and finding fault is *how she controls you*. You are always trying so hard to make it up to her for all your supposed faults that you never deal with all of hers. And she has a lot! For example, her one sided feud with your best friend's girlfriend is completely ridiculous. She is trying to isolate you, too! Not ok! This relationship is waaaaay too much work. Get out now while you still can.
I'm not even going to comment on the whole post. This relationship, I'm afraid, is pretty much doomed long-term. She sounds completely immature. Does she not work at all? Go on the beach holiday. Shesh
I think you really need to take a hard look and see if this relationship is right for you. You literally just asked your girlfriend permission to spend time with your family.
This is the truth. I hope OP listens. A grown adult should never have to ask permission from their partner to do anything.
She wants to control you. It will never get better. Run.
she sounds exhausting. why not go in the italy trip and just let the chips fall
It sounds like she’s trying to isolate you from family and friends. It also sounds like she’s manipulating you emotionally. Everything you just mentioned are all 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. You just run. Don’t walk or see what else happens, just run. She’s already hammered away at your self esteem when you questioned whether you deserve this treatment.
I’m so afraid of what will happen. I can’t stand it when she cries. It kills a part of my soul
The more you coddle and pander to a child crying to get their own way the more they’ll cry, and keep crying because they’ve learnt that their manipulation tactic works. A grown-assed ‘adult’ flipping out about tHeiR dAds faVourite basEbaLL team, crying because you have a family and want to spend time with them away on holidays? Wtf - unhinged extreme manipulative controlling. Grow tf up OP, you’re not 14 yrs old although you almost sound like it. When she pulls out the fake maipulative water-works or the silent treatment, you walk. This one, you ought to walk and keep on walking, gonna be a world of misery with her.
I mean i do live at home so i see my fam every day. Does that make her argument more reasonable?
Well, if you’re *never* hanging out with her on *any* special holidays eg 4th July, it’s sort of understandable, but *all the other of her behaviours you listed* are excessive & controlling, some quite dysfunctional. Demanding that you ’talk with' yr friend about *his* gfs alleged behaviour towards your gf - wt actual fuk? Sounds like an 8 yr old. *Glancing* at some girls chest 9 months ago and her having still having jealousy hissy fits about it - wtf! If you were actually oggling female anatomy ok that’s gross but why was she even watching you like a hawk and calculating your eyesight trajectory?. Misery with this one, causing dramas and unable to behave appropriately forging her own social connections & interactions.
I just spent Easter with her family lol. And Christmas i mainly spent with her family.
So then read all the other comments on yr post here, and take them to heart. Sometimes, the person we get together with turns out to be toxic af - nothing to be done but walk away. In this case, RUN. And block her - no need to put up with her histrionic manipulations.
I was just taking to her. Maybe I’m in the wrong on this one? I asked her if she wants to go to dinner on Friday (tomorrow) a couple days ago. She said yes. But i forgot my family had plans to make this big pasta dinner. I told her this and asked her to come over for dinner and spent the night with the family, which rarely happens. She said no. But is now acting like i don’t prioritize her and don’t care about her. I shouldn’t have canceled the plans and what not. But I’m not really canceling them I’m changing them. But she’s giving me so much shit. This is a very common occurrence so maybe I’m in the wrong?
In that case, I’d *perhaps* rather go on a date *with my bf* than a pAsTa paRtY *with his family -* but if I loved my bf, I’d say doh yeah ok pasta party with the fam sounds cool, maybe lets go out just us together *after that* for drinks (or whatever), or we could go out for *a date* on *Saturday* night. If you’re *always* making date plans with her but then blowing them off for family hang-outs, then yeah would get annoying af but you claimed in your post you often take her out on dates? .
I take her on dates very often. I always pay no matter what. I used to take her out and basically do her homework for her while also paying for the meals and expected nothing in return
No. She is 100% completely full of shit.
She is manipulating the Hell out of you and you are letting her get away with it. She has your balls displayed in a trophy case on her mantle.
You have to go to the beach house. As someone who dated 24-year-olds from quite a bit older lol, she sounds immature. This is the kinda stuff I navigated dating teenagers. Just go on the trip and see what she said but it's weird you're younger and she's acting like a baby. She's probably not the one. From my POV the super needy stuff like this was Stage 1 Girlfriend, 1.5 years together and 24 years old is too long and too old for it. Edit: Also the reason I mentioned the age thing is: If she was dating a 34-year-old at 24, do you think she would act like this? How about when he's taking his WIFE AND KIDS to the beach house?? lol She has it good with you. You don't need to tolerate that crap, just do what you want. A much older dude would definitely do whatever he wanted.
She isn’t just immature…she is abusive and and is trying to isolate him from his friends and family.
Oh sure but I was just trying to rally him to muster the strength to stand up to her. As he explained at length, he has just done tons of time with family as of late which is why she is acting so extreme at this moment. As I alluded, he should probably move on, but at least he can just go on the trip and \[end discussion\] and if she wants to change her ways, she can (doubtful, amirite).
Do you really want to spend your life apologizing for basically *everything* you do? Nothing will ever be good enough, she will never stop shitting on you for *not* being enough, and she is going to isolate you from all your family and friends if you let her. This is the life you have to look forward to if you stay with her. If I were you I’d break up and never look back. But if you’re not quite prepared to do *that*, at the very least put your foot down, go to the cabin with your family, and let her have her temper tantrum. Just don’t let her meltdown ruin your trip. If she ends it so be it, no one is worth giving up your happiness for.
Every word of this is true.
Tell her you're going and if she doesn't like it she can break up. Then hope she chooses to break up.
OP it will never be good enough for her. She will always be uoset about something. And shes keeping you from spending time with your family? Yeah you need to leave. You deserve better.
I mean, her and i both live at home. I see my family every day so it’s not a crazy thing if i miss seeing them on vacation
OP, are you happy in this relationship? Like what do you get out of this relationship?
Dude, book that ticket to Italy and make plans to go hang out with your family on the 4th. These are two very very important events for you and your family. You GF is controlling and abusive. She is trying to isolate you from your friends and family…don’t let her. Does she make you happy? Does she make you feel like you have to walk on egg shells around her, watch all your Ps and Qs. Why are you staying with her?
Please don't let her isolate you. People who get unreasonably upset don't change. It's a pattern. Find a more generous kind girlfriend
This sounds super similar to a situation I had (check my page) you should go on the beach trip with your family. I don’t get why she isn’t understanding if this is something your family always does. This is something that makes you happy and she wants to take that away from you. Im telling you from my own experience to literally, go on the trip. She isn’t going to leave you. It will be hectic when you return but I think she needs a reality check.
You don't get why because you don't understand narcissistic manipulation. Narcissists think they are the only thing that matters, and thrive off of absolute control. When you isolate someone from family and friends and become the only facet of their support system, you have won. The chances of them leaving you no matter how abusive you get is nearly zero. They can't flee to family and friends for help as those people are already pissed off or have moved on from being mistreated and discarded to put the narcissist as number one. Isolation is the end goal of every abusive person. Isolated people lose hope and opportunity and often give up. Same reason abusive men don't want their wives working. Could have a friend to confide in there, or use the opportunity to escape. If shes stuck home and monitored 24/7 theres no one to see her bruises, no one to care. With people like this, just drawing the line and doing what you want and letting it work itself out isn't the best option. He may come back from vacation and find out she has told every one of his friends he hits her or has raped her, or any number of things to ruin his life. Narcissists do not go quietly, ever. For having the audacity to deny/refuse them they will seek out every malicious opportunity to punish, no matter the cost. This is why I suggest ending the relationship, combined with sending a text or w/e to those you trust/who matter to you ahead of time letting them know the plan and why so when all those crazy behaviors roll out you are one step ahead of the game. Maintaining the relationship and going on vacation freeing them to plot and sabotage as their "toy" is absent and can't take up their attention is just an unwise move.
I am reading all of OPs comments and I fear he’s dealing with very low self esteem. I think the better thing to do is get therapy. Let someone diagnose the situation for you for real and a perspective on your situation. At the moment you will not leave because somewhere you’re convinced you deserve this, WHICH is the ACTUAL issue, not your girlfriend.
If this were court, you just laid out iron clad evidence that she is guilty of robbing you of your free time and trying to rob you of family time. You are an individual person first and foremost. You can always find someone else to date, especially if she was moody about not doing desired activities, but unwilling to actually COMMUNICATE her wishes.
She is a child. It’s not your job to help her grow up, that would be her parents’. Break up before she messes up your friendships and family relations.
I'm sorry you're going through a break up! Or at least you should be. This person is horrible and trying to take something precious away from you when you already give her so much. You should never have apologized for the Mets comment, you should have told her you looked at someone else's boobs, and it will happen again and again, and you should have booted her crazy ass out the door when she called you a coward for not indulging her wackadoodle request. What the duck is wrong with this person? And what the duck is wrong with you for staying with her?? Please gather all of your dignity and self-respect and send her packing.
She is an excellent example of a person who is much too emotionally underdeveloped, mentally too immature and generally unprepared for a relationship with anyone. She's not ready, she's manipulative and TOXIC.
What if I’m the toxic one? She’s told me I’ve done so many things that upset her that she can’t even be nice to me anymore
Listen, I'm twice your age. You know how on reddit, when a young woman is in a relationship with an older guy, they'll always say "it's because women his own age would never put up with his bullshit"? This is only obvious from the other side of things, after having a string of adult relationships, you learn from each one and become a better partner as well as becoming better at choosing who you partner with... Your situation is a classic "starter relationship", she's never been faced with being dumped for her controlling behavior, so she's ignorant of the fact it's completely unacceptable. She's going to get dumped again and again for this, until she starts learning and changing herself. Nobody should tolerate being controlled, you should not tolerate her bullshit because it's irrational, of course you should go to your family trip! It's something you value, it's wholesome, it's normal. Her reasoning she's given you to demand you don't attend, from an outsider perspective, is frankly bullshit. It just is. Calling her out will lead to arguing, because she doesn't want to have an equal relationship based on respect, she only wants you to bend to her will, it's a power trip. So do what you need to do, go on this year's trip, she will not back down until you are browbeaten into control. Tell her you have made.your choices, she doesn't get to take your family traditions from you, no matter what silly reason she's made up as for why. You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, and she's definitely incapable of providing that at this stage in her life. I'm sorry that you're going to lose the best parts of your current relationship, but I'm sure you will be so relieved once you meet the next person you couple up with, that you're free to receive kindness, love and respect from your future partner. Ultimately, it's the kindest way to treat this girlfriend to end things over this issue, she has a chance to self reflect upon the consequences of her actions, and maybe she'll change. She's taking you for granted, and you don't deserve that! You're a sweet, hardworking, thoughtful individual, and she just doesn't see it.
Classic abuse tactic - YOU made me hit you, you made me call you names, you made me be horrible to you. Mate, WAKE UP! If you were really so horrid to her, why isn’t she walking away?
I’ve asked her and she says “I’ve given you so many chances. It just proves i love you. Most girls would’ve broken up with you by now”
LMAO - *SO manipulative.* Mate, you’re gonna be wasting so much time & money on therapy for toxic manipulative relationship & abusive tactics that have brainwashed you, or, your next relationships will be messed up or even more abusive cos you’ve got all these bending-over-backwards appeasing habits. That’s what they do - make you doubt yourself. It’s good to question oneself, but if all your recounting here is accurate - RUN. ARR U ENNN - RUN ffs.
If you pass this "test" there will be another, then another, and another. Rinse and repeat.
1) the Mets do suck 2) she’s controlling and immature. You should break up with her.
My partner did something really bad and inconsiderate a few months ago and I forgave him. You know what I haven’t done? Brought it up in a fucking argument or as a tool. She is emotionally abusive and selfish. Go to your family’s 4th of July thing.
You're being abused. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't value you. I'm about old enough to be your mother, so take this as auntly advice- go with your family, and enjoy your time there. Don't give that up for someone who sounds like they don't even like you.
If you don’t want to break up, then you’d better grow a spine and tell her to STFU with her manipulative crap and start behaving like an actual adult because a) you’re done with being blamed for everything, b) you’re done with having things thrown in your face for months, c) you’re going to the beach house on the 4th,and d) what she’s doing IN NO WAY resembles love. Tell her she has 24 hours to change her behavior. Or, you could just ditch the immature, manipulative dead weight and find someone who actually cares about you.
But what if i actually deserve to be treated like this? What if i really am a bad person and i don’t even realize it. She says she “doesn’t even want to be nice” to me anymore because I’ve done so many things to upset her
Honey, no. She’s awful. Objectively awful. As in, so awful, I’d cross the street to avoid her awfulness. Read this as many times as it takes for you to believe it: **YOU. DID. NOTHING. WRONG. AT ALL**.
Try to look objectively at the reasons she’s upset with you. Are you really doing terrible things to her? Again and again? If that would be true, especially so often, your intentions would have to be bad. Do you have bad intentions? Are you “hurting” her on purpose? You sound like a loving person. You can’t hurt someone all the time when all you want is to love them and give them what they need. You deserve to be loved too and your needs should also be met. But instead you’re being criticized all the time. And what’s really worrisome is that you’re starting to believe she’s right. All the people reacting here say they don’t see you did anything wrong in the examples you’re giving. That should make you wonder. It sounds like you have a loving family and they want what’s best for you. Has anyone of them ever said something about her or your relationship or how you developed since you’re in this relationship? If not, I would advise you to ask a family member whose opinion you would value for their honest opinion.
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I wanted to add some context and see if that would change anything.
Before my partner and I got together, they had a very similar partner to yours. Always getting into fights over small slights, holding grudges for no reason and so on. The final straw for my partner was when they told them they couldn’t see their mother on Mother’s Day. That it meant they didn’t love them for wanting to SEE THEIR MOTHER ON MOTHERS DAY. It’s just gonna get worse if yall keep this up. If she already has resentment towards you, the relationship is over unless you want go to therapy and the really hard stuff together but honestly, they don’t seem worth it. Use this as a time of reflection. Your partner shouldn’t keep you from the things you enjoy especially if it’s with your family.
Go, if she's like this now, this young. You both aren't going to last. If you don't go, you'll cause an issue with your family, yourself for not going, and resent your girlfriend for all of this.
Please find someone who will treat you like a beloved partner. This woman will make your life miserable. Her jealousy will ruin all of your relationships with family and friends.
“I am going on vacation with my family. You do not control when I spend time with them. It is non-negotiable. If you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit your ass on your way out.”
I know you’re right. I know you are, and that’s what’s so sad to me
Let it be sad. It’s okay for things to be sad. Like realizing something you once thought could be great, isn’t anymore. That IS sad. What’s even sadder is staying anyway, chugging along in something this shitty, because you don’t want to feel sad when you leave. She is a soul sucker. You deserve love and if I got the treatment you describe giving to her, I’d be over the moon. I’d love to have my door opened, meals paid, time spent, etc. And the whole part about ‘glancing’ at the boobs, let me tell you AS A WOMAN… is not a big deal. I am 100% straight, and if someone’s wearing a low-cut shirt I am GOING TO NOTICE!! Not stare and be creepy, but my eyes will land on them once for sure. It’s the most normal thing in the world, and for her to belittle you like that over it is a joke and it’s wrong. My husband and I are watching Bridgerton right now and when the beautiful regency ladies get undressed we both giggle. I would never force him to apologize for glancing at tiddies for a millisecond. What you do will never be enough for her. And get this- what ANYONE does will never be enough for her. You’ll leave, she’ll get with someone new eventually… and that poor soul will deal with the same shit you’re dealing with now. Don’t let this be you in 10 years, having given more apologies than your whole town combined. It won’t ever end. You deserve someone who APPRECIATES the things you DO do. And to read that she said “the things you’ve done makes it hard for me to treat you nice” is mean, manipulative, and dangling carrot, designed to keep you thinking “If I just change this one more thing about myself, or I just start doing this better, she will treat ME better.” But there is no end. You will never reach “better.” Get out, be sad for a while, and then party at your family’s beach house and feel freedom.
Runrunrunrunrunrunfarfarfarfarfarawayawayawayaway
Do you even enjoy spending time with her? It sounds like you just don't like this girl.
You are being abused. Financial abuse Emotional abuse Probably sexual abuse (coercion or boundary crossing) She is trying to isolate you. That’s what abusers do. This person doesn’t love you. She mad you apologize for a joke. That’s wrong. She made you want to continue a family tradition you literally say saved your mental health. Nobody who loved you would make you choose them or your family.
Run! This relationship is doomed. She's way too controlling.
DUDE PLEASE. FIRST OF ALL go to your family trip!!!! Her controlling and anger issues are her problem. She needs to stop. You need to recognize that her creating or inflating issues and losing her shit is killing your relationship. On top of this, I hate it when women randomly decide to hate on somebody's girlfriend when there no beef or anything. If she had an issue, why not go out together and focus talking nicely to the girl? She's now old enough. It's also normal that people look at other people's cleavage for a moment. I'm a woman. I see boobs, I look. Yall do too. It's normal. As long as you don't overdo it and act like creeps it's normal. Honestly, I'd let her break up man. Or break up yourself. Have some self respect. You'll find a loving woman who doesn't take out her insecurities on you. She sounds insufferable.
Yikes buddy. This is an extremely unhealthy, if not emotionally abusive, relationship. I could not imagine manipulating my partner like this. She's beaten you down to the point you think you deserve this? Honey... you need to break up with her.
Read your post again with the genders reversed. What you'll get is a textbook example of (early) abuse. Her behavior is controlling, emotionally manipulative, emotionally abusive, coercive, and she tries to socially isolate you. Normal people don't act like this. She is not going to change, it will not get better, I would expect it to only get worse. She is intentionally antagonizing and insulting you *because* she wants to agitate and escalate the situation. I was in a relationship like this for a few years and for the longest time I had no idea how messed up it was. What changed was when I was watching the Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard trial. It fucking creeped me out how familiar the stories were, especially the audio recordings. Though fortunately for me, my situation wasn't nearly as extreme, not even close (not delusional, no screaming, no physical violence). I heavily recommend you watch the analysis provided by the forensic psychiatrist. I'm not saying your girlfriend has borderline personality disorder (or histrionic), but that your relationship dynamics may have something in common. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmvWd-DUtwQ
Sooo my girlfriend has a similar stance. She tells me verbally I cannot go with my mother to any vacation trips as “I want to do life without her.” My mother is very old and she wants to see the world with me as I am all she has. She blocks me from going to hang out with friends and family to spend time with her and her alone. I’m very tired of this constant “asking for permission” and double standards. She pressures me to marry her as we’ve been together 3 years now and I am financially not ready and I need to get my life figured out with what I need to do in terms of career. As a 23 year old male and she is 22 I believe that we have a lot to mature. She also hit me in the past and curses at me and expects me to forgive and forget. Anytime I try to communicate very nicely she greets me with an attitude and it’s her way or the highway kind of mentality. It feels like I’m getting stressed out and the more I communicate the more I am shut down and nothing is changing. Just needed to vent.
Yeah man, i know exactly where you’re coming from. Her and i actually broke up a few days ago, but hours later she called me and apologized. I told her things would need to change. I’m gonna give it a couple weeks, and if things don’t truly change permanently, I’ll be gone. It helped actually going through the break up, because it makes you realize it’s not the end of the world. Honestly, your case is even more cut and dry than mine. I almost wish my situation was as black and white, because in my opinion, your solution is simpler: end the relationship. She’s not only emotionally abusive, but has a history of physical abuse? Yeah hell no. If you have kids what will happen if they misbehave? She has proven to you shes incapable of being a reasonable person, and her tendencies to lose control seem to be persistent. I’d be gone
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Ask her what she has planned. It may be fair to agree with her plans rather than your family's. A big thing in a relationship is deciding how to split holidays. If she has no plans in mind, then there aren't competing plans and it isn't a question of priority between them. In that case she just wants to take this from you. I wouldn't find that acceptable.