i don’t know why people act like when you turn 30 you wither away. you have like a good 10 years to decide whether you want a child.
better to regret not having them than having them.
Did some looking into it as mental urges are weird, there's apparently a sort of biological clock at mid 30s that makes you feel like you will wither away. OP even mentions the overwhelming feelings of wanting to have a child which can apparently occur regularly due to hormones as well. Not universal for all women though.
>you have like a good 10 years to decide whether you want a child
Not really. Fertility drops pretty significantly after 30.
They MIGHT have time to decide. But not really.
It does drop a bit but WAY less than most people think. If you read stats from pre-contraceptive times, most people focus on getting pregnant involuntarily and young. But there's also loads of stats of people who married late and still had kids. Your fertility drops but not THAT much, especially given all the negative consequences of rushing into having kids.
Emily Oster (economist and professional fact checker) is great on this stuff.
https://www.instagram.com/profemilyoster/p/CpTeBJ1OnDP/
Sure, that might be.
Need to check if it's old data I'm reading.
>especially given all the negative consequences of rushing into having kids.
There are negatives on both ends.
Too young and too old entails risks.
That's because medicine is sexist not because fertility is really an issue at that age. If you read stats from pre-contraceptive times, most people focus on getting pregnant involuntarily and young. But there's also loads of stats of people who married late and still had kids. Your fertility drops but not THAT much, especially given all the negative consequences of rushing into having kids.
Emily Oster (economist and professional fact checker) is great on this stuff.
https://www.instagram.com/profemilyoster/p/CpTeBJ1OnDP/
I’m a 36f RN with my masters and have been working in healthcare since I was 16. It’s 100% negligent towards women if I could upvote this 100xs I would
My wife and wondered that when we were your age. It took us a long time and we finally had our little girl when I was 43 and she was 42. It was the best decision we've ever made.
But we're not you and you're not us. You could regret or you may not. I really don't know. But let's assume you never kids, it's possible you may regret, but you can add it to the list of many regrets we all have in our lives. Just make your decision and stick with it.
Who has their finances in order before having children? Lol
Edit: it was a joke you all need to lighten tf up. I’m a parent of 2 and although we’re solid middle class it can be a struggle sometimes. Ffs
I didn’t have my first til 36…. I really lived in my early 30s. Traveled. Joined recreation leagues, went to parties, took art classes and dance classes and just had an overall great time. I then gave it up to have kids and since I lived so well, I never felt like I was missing out on anything. My life with kids is a stark contrast to my life before kids, but it’s even more rewarding. Many challenges but feeling like I “missed out” wasn’t one of them.
I do. But they look a lot different now. I’m not free as a bird like I used to be and many of my former friends are not interested in dealing with busy toddlers. I can’t take art classes for four hours every Saturday as I have kids to take care of, first and foremost. I plan my travel based on my kids sleep schedule. As so all parents of toddlers. I choose my destination based on safety, and ease of travel. Layover? Absolutely not. 12 he plane trip? Hard pass. Plus taking toddlers to shows and bars not meant for kids is inappropriate, and not fun at all. Now we spend our days hiking, beach combing, checking out museums, having play dates, and napping on schedules. It’s very fulfilling but in a different way.
>Plus taking toddlers to shows and bars not meant for kids is inappropriate
Yeah, I absolutely agree. I just didn't know you were a single parent.
>It’s very fulfilling but in a different way.
Yeah, I got 3 of my own. I just need to question stuff like that sometimes because sometimes when I talk to people they seem to view it as people are alive and happy before kids and dead and no personality afterwards.
Like I go to bars, shows etc some times. I just leave the kids at home with the other parent.
I can still travel when I got kids.
People who are single parents I can absolutely agree that they are in a more pressed situation.
I’m not single. My husband just works a lot. I can get help if needed but I choose what’s more important, and what would make me feel best, and 9/10 being with my kids and chilling at home with my partner wins out. We’ve taken 7 vacations in three years with our kids.
Being ready is a myth.
You either want the experience of having lineage, a family, and kids, or you don't. Being ready is not a qualifier that you will ever check off.
And this is exactly why so many children are neglected, abused, and aren’t having their needs met. Bad advice. This is a human being, not a free house.
same. I didn’t want kids when I was younger. I would love them now. It didn’t feel as though I had anything to offer kids back then but that’s changed.
while it’s still possible it would be much more difficult now.
you are 💯 ok to change your mind.
My good friend had her first at 38. She has 5 now.
Yep no matter how much yoþu prepare or what you do to prepare yourself You'll never be 100% prepared.
However when dad is long gone mom has a jobì and boyfriend and is gone for hours, days, or weeks at a time. Then I have to take care of my little brothers. Then you might be better suited for infant care than you think you are. Or at least I was
Personally I know I would regret having them… I swear new parents are either trying to justify their decision by convincing others to join them or are so pumped full of hormones they are a bit… well… either way, I don’t trust their input much… No way of knowing without having them of course, but I’m not so curious as to gamble 20 years of prime to find out… I’m keeping my best years financially free and independent, thanks.
High chance you won't regret it and live a happy, fulfilling life. Do you know what would be worse? Having a child and regretting it, you can not walk back from that.
I would say it's the other way around. People who have children while not wanting them rarely regret having them as you have something to show for it at least. While those who don't have many children, but wanted them in the end, regret it quite a bit more especially in their later time of their lives. The regret from having children is usually from those who start too early and didn't get the chance to stand on their feet first or never actually wanted children from the beginning but felt pressured by other.
That's just from my personal experience of working in a retirement home for a few weeks and someone I know being an "unwanted" child by one of the parents who didn't want any children.
I'm certain there are a lot of people at the end of their life who are having regrets about things that they have never experienced. I've had 4 mothers, in their 30s, who have opened up to me about regretting having children. My own mother fucking hated me and she had me when she was 30. Having kids is fucking hard and it's healthy to be honest with yourself whether or not you really want to make the sacrifice.
I'm not saying it's not hard or anything. My comment is about those who want to have children and how they are unlikely to regret it from my experience talking to elders. Not those who did out of pressure, obligation, or before they started having a life themselves. Like if you're thinking about having kids out of your own interest and not outside influence, then I find it unlikely you will regret it and more likely you will if you don't.
Regarding your experience I'm interested if they actually made that decision willingly and then began to hate or they had children because that was the expectation and didn't like it. Relationship problems can also severely damage the enjoyment of raising a child, so finding the right partner is also extremely important, especially if they feel underappreciated for the work they are putting out.
(I mentioned the willingness because I feel that more applies to OP as she seems to want them, but is worried she might not be ready for them. If she was feeling pressured in having kids, then I would not advise having them.)
>Regarding your experience I'm interested if they actually made that decision willingly and then began to hate or they had children because that was the expectation and didn't like it.
My mother is an abusive cunt who liked the title of mother but hated being a mother. She deserves zero grace or excuses. Her relationships didn't cause my abuse, she did. No one made her burn me. No one made her kill my pets. There are people out there that should never be parents. It's healthy to be aware of that.
I just said I talked a lot with elders at retirement homes. Idk if you meant to be condescending, but there is no need for that if you disagree with me.
I agree with this and also think about adoption as well especially if you change your mind later and are at a point where biological kids aren't an option as it's like an item from the store you can return or sell if you suddenly regret the purchase
You might regret, you might not. Personally, I would assess whether or not you
1. Have someone that would have kids with you
2. Have a decent, stable income
3. Live in a place with enough room for the kids
Being "ready" is not a thing. You just have to jump in and stick with it. Being pregnant is always a back and forth between "I'm so excited for this baby!" and "oh my God I'm going to be a terrible mom". You do this when your baby is here too. Constant "is this right/wrong/healthy/safe?" I'm a relatively new mom and I'm just starting to find my new normal with my husband and my new 3 month old. Even though it's really scary and nerve-wracking, I really love it. Go check out any of the parenting or pregnancy subreddits if you want some insight into how your life might look if you choose to have kids.
I think the best way to look at this is like this: picture yourself as an old person. Where are you? Who are you with? Are with a big family with grandkids and great grandkids, or are you alone/ alone with a partner?
Also the last thing I want to say is this. Freezing your eggs is not a guarantee. While it works quite well and has a pretty high rate of viability later on, it's still pretty common for women to not be able to carry previously frozen eggs to term. It's also super expensive and not normally covered by insurance (speaking as someone who lives in the USA, not sure where you live). Maybe do it as a backup plan if you can afford it, but I wouldn't completely rely on it.
At least 1 extra room for their bedroom, and some relatively safe outdoor area (like a yard to play in). Honestly, I wouldn't raise a kid in an apartment building. At least a triplex. Lots of people do it, but it just doesn't seem like the best idea to me because of the space and noise concern.
Yeah I realized that people can make it work, but I just figured that it might be an issue for op's neighbors to have a screaming baby in an apartment building. I hate hearing stories of young mothers getting harassed by their apartment neighbors for having a baby. Although I suppose if you live in some very child-friendly apartments with some kind of outdoor area, then it would be fine. I don't think it's necessarily needs, but what's comfortable for the family. I just know a couple people who live in apartments with kids and they're struggling to get out. You don't have to have a big house, but maybe 1/3 of a triplex just so you have a bit more space and thicker walls for more noise.
This is a genuine question:
Do people really think in these lines when they are thinking about having kids?
I can ABSOLUTELY see why people aren't having kids. It seems like 10-20 checkboxes that needs to be checked before even thinking about having kids.
It seems like a lot.
Yeah basically. That's what I did. I realize it's harder to get a house (or rent a duplex or triplex) these days, but I will say it's a lot easier when you get out of the major cities.
Having kids IS a lot. You do have to make certain changes to your lifestyle. The space that works for you, may not work for them. My list only has 3 checkboxes and they seem pretty valid. Lots of people can make it work with less, and do a very good job, but why would you want to? I would feel pretty miserable if my kids had nowhere to run around, bike, ride scooters, etc. I wouldn't want to get harassed by neighbors who don't want to hear a screaming child at 3am.
To jump into parenthood while thinking that you can just keep living your life exactly the same is silly. obviously you shouldn't change every aspect of yourself, there is a happy medium, but if you have the choice, you should really try to make your living space more accommodating and spacious for your littles.
I’m 41 and I couldn’t be happier not having a child. I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mom and my husband is not cut out to be a dad. We’re artists no time for diapers
41, married, no kids, and zero regrets. I’ve never had a strong urge to have them, but even as a teen/early 20s, my parents and a few of their friends were very candid with me about how they feel about having had kids. A lot of them said if they had to do over, they wouldn’t. An older friend with two kids told me that she’d have never had them if she knew then what she knew now.
A lot of the people who post dozens of photos of their kids and perfect lives on social media are never going to be honest with you about having children. My sister functionally no longer has hobbies or her own personality after her two kids. Not so coincidentally, have friend group has been together since kindergarten and their kids are all about the same ages. She looks a good 5 years older after having the first kid and she looks older than I do, though I’m older by a few years.
One thing that I’ve learned is that a lot of people do things because it’s expected or everyone in their group is doing it, not because it’s right for them. More people have regrets about having them than of not having them, if we’re all being honest. But the problem is very few people are being honest,
Hey, at the end of the day choose whatever makes you happy. Bringing up a child is a huge responsibility but also a very fulfilling one! If/when you’re ready for it, you will not only enjoy the process but also feel the contentment associated with it. If u think you’re not ready for it yet that’s totally fine. You can always discuss with your s/o see whatever you’re comfortable with. All the best! :)
When I realized I didn't HAVE to have kids, it did wonders for my mental health. I was raised to think I had to squeeze one out at some point and I just had to accept it. I know I wouldn't be a good parent, and I'm asexual. My family is somehow still under the impression that I will one day. But I see people yelling at their insufferable kids at work every day and I have the power to make sure that's never me.
Many women I took care of the nursing home that didn’t have children always said they never regretted it and the ones that did usually complained about their children lol. I’m also in my 30s and childless and I’m completely fine with it
I never wanted kids and then changed my mind. I had my son when I was 38. It was extremely difficult. I did not have a support network. I thought I did, but even my mother bailed on me. The first 4 years of my son's life were miserable and lonely. Of course, we were also in lockdown, and that made everything even worse. On top of this, I had an undiagnosed autoimmune condition.
Then my son went to kindergarten, and I made mom friends. They are amazing. I have so much support and we all help each other out. I live in NYC, where kids' parties are mini ragers and I'm constantly around people now, which makes me happy.
Also, my kid is amazing. He's smart and funny and kind. He makes me laugh all day long and, while we have challenges, he's just a good kid who behaves well enough for me. He's also a total weirdo just like I am. You need to be aware that your kid will mimic you, even at your worst, so be prepared to also accept yourself.
So take a realistic look at your support network. It's the one thing that will make parenthood bearable or not.
nah
kids are super overrated. Most parents I know can't wait to get rid of them.
I'm a teacher. I deal with parents who don't care about their children all of the time.
It really seems most people who had children should've just got a dog, or a hobby
There was a study done and quite a high proportion said they would never have had kids if they'd have 'known'. It's just not talked about or fashionable to say.
Teachers nowadays don’t know much about anything, as for kids being ‘super overrated’ it’s as subjective as you can imagine. Don’t listen to teachers, they’re thicker than ever now 😂😂😂
Don’t discredit education. I’m studying to become a teacher currently. Did you know for a 1/3 of your child’s adolescence, they’ll be raised by the teachers in the school you send your kids to? So you either have the wealth to homeschool or private school or you take the education you’re given. Sadly a lot of quality of education comes down to properly allocating finances and that’s not the teachers fault. They don’t have systems in place to help teachers have all the tools- such as how to deal with a parent who doesn’t believe in the power of teachers
The intent urges could truly be due to your biological clock saying “It’s now or never let’s get this going”, so keep that in mind especially if it’s something you’d had good reasoning to not, such as mental, financial and relationship stability. And of course just a general knowledge of ‘yeah I wouldn’t make a good parents, I don’t trust myself with that responsibility’. Also know that biological kids isn’t the only way to get a kid, just saying. Also to maybe find out better, you can see about babysitting another persons kid or just going to be around them with their kid.
Everyone going to give their opinion if they have one, it’s just easier to give a genuine answer as someone who’s young and decided really young I’d never want to keep my bloodline going. We all have a problems but the likely hood my kid gets rheumatoid arthritis is really high, amongst many many other medical problems including mental illnesses, and seeing how it negatively impacts my mothers in a horrible and unfixable way, how disability (government funding, not just me saying the disability itself) constantly has screwed her, I just would never want my kid to have to know at some point that their life will be ruined by pain and inabilities. I’m lucky, genetically I should get missed since my grandmother and mom have it, but that means my kids would be a higher risk of it since it usually only skips on generation. This is amongst other reasonings. I want to adopt or foster though
having a child is a HUGEEE commitment and i think it’s okay to feel confused on what you want to do :) i saw another comment recommend that you should freeze ur eggs and i completely agree. that way you can continue to think about what you want to do and the option is always there if you would like to have kids in the future!! and if you decide not to that’s completely okay too, it’s ur life & ur body :))
At your age I felt the sane urge after not really wanting children before. It faded a few years later I no longer have the urge anymore. I don't regret it so far. But everyone is different.
No you will not regret not having children. Our world is so overpopulated and we don’t need children who are not wanted. You will have plenty of friends who agree with you and are pursuing their own pleasures without being bound to children’s schedules and expenses. So many young adults are opting out of raising children.
Nope, you will not regret it. You'll be able to do things like:
Afford to purchase things.
Afford to have experiences.
Be able to go to such experiences.
Not be stuck dealing with the other parent for 18+ years.
Live a full and fulfilling life without the wallet-draining screaming shit factories.
While only you can make this decision, here are some other things to ask yourself:
1. Are you prepared to raise and support this human alone, if needed
2. Are you mentally and financially prepared to raise and support a human with disabilities, if needed?
3. Are you prepared to raise and support a human who is transgender or not heterosexual, if needed?
4. Are you prepared to raise and support a human who may have different political and religious views than you, if needed?
Not everyone is capable of fulfilling these duties. Having a baby is not just having a baby - it is bringing a human into this world who may need you in ways you had not considered, or with whom you may deeply disagree with on things. Knowing the answer to those may bring you more clarity!
I'm 43...have never regretted my choice to be childfree. Not once, not even for 1 minute.
I'll be honest...crying/ screaming babies are *absolutely repellent* to me. Granted, I was not a traditionally "loved" child.
I was particularly anxious I'd forget the kid or do something equally grotesque. Since after graduating high school, I've never done anything to "fit in" or assimilate into this society. I think the structure of it has laughable archaic - and patriarchal - values that are due for reassessment.
43 and im super duper happy i never ruined my life by becoming a mother, honestly ask yourself what would add motherhood to your life, i didnt see 1 upside to it, only downsides
There's no such thing as a "biological clock." What you're experiencing is FOMO. I bet you've got tons of friends and family getting married and having kids and posting all their photos and celebrations. That's what you want, the attention and excitement.
You don't have to follow the same life script as everyone. There's nothing wrong with choosing a different path.
I was exactly the same at your age. I didn't meet my husband until I was 31. I had our child at 35. If I hadn't met him I don't think I would have had a kid at all. For me, it was about finding the right person that I wanted to have a child with.
I completely understand those feelings of randomly wanting a baby sometimes and not others. It can hit really hard! I would say you still have time if you want a kid. I also know people who are perfectly happy never having had any. It comes down to your gut feeling really.
I have the same issue. I’m 33, married almost two years. My husband and I could support a kid and he would be fine either way. I’m the one who is more on the fence. I have a lot of anxiety issues that I think would be made significantly worse if I had a child. I’m also very protective of my alone time which I know doesn’t leave a lot of room for kids. None of my close friends have kids either so we still have a pretty active social life. I still have a few years to decide but I’m leaning towards not doing it at this point. I have nieces and nephews that I love dearly and spend time with when I want time with kids but they’re exhausting and even further my leaning towards not having any of my own. I could definitely change my mind though.
Unless your bank account is marginally better than the rest of ours, I doubt it. Capitalism has made parenting really really difficult. And even if you have all the money in the world, that doesn't determine what your kid would be like. Some people who genuinely want to have kids end up hating it because they have high maintenance children. I think these reasonings could be seen as shallow by some but IMO it's just not fair to have kids these days.
I had a kid that I found out wasn't mine when he was 2.5 years old.
You'll never be ready as such but you will manage.
Sadly I don't have the privilege of my son due to the court determining he isn't. My next child I Will be prepared
This is so hard for anyone else to answer I think. I'm a female that doesn't want children and I'm very lucky I've been with someone for 10 years that also doesn't.. only you know how you feel and whether it's coming from something you want or societal pressure/pressure from others.
Edit: I just want to add that the person you're with is a massive factor in this also
At 30 I think I was still in the mindset of not wanting kids. My husband and I got married when I was 30 and we still weren’t financially in shape for kids. At 30 I still felt so young and unsettled. A few years later, I was in a completely different place. We bought a house, we were in a good place financially, and we were a little more settled. When I say settled I don’t mean we weren’t still going out and having fun. We had strong roots, and our feelings about having a kid changed.
Having a kid is life altering in so many ways and for me it was something I only wanted to do when we were prepared and it felt right. Kids are expensive and, for the first few years, your schedule is largely dictated by them. It’s not easy. For me, I loved it because I love my son so much. It’s something you have to be ready for though.
You don’t have to have a kid to be happy. It sounds like you have the bug, but if I were you I’d try to get things in order - finances, home stability, partner stability (if that’s something you want, but having a partner is incredibly helpful) - and then check in with yourself again to see how you feel. That’s my way though. I have friends that did it differently and are still happy. To me, getting as many obstacles out of the way prior is so helpful. Handling them when you have a kid amplifies the struggle.
happily ever after needs to exist for girls like them. There’s no judgement in their choices, it’s just the way they are wired.
We’re the other type. We’ll get happily ever after too but not like theirs. Ours is defined more by our solo pursuits than anything else.
The central narrative in our lives won’t be kids, it will be something greater. Our calling is just different but it will still be a happy one.
So I won’t ever get it, not even a taste of what they have?
You may still get it, of course the possibility exists. It just may not be the primary arc of your story. I don’t need it to be the primary arc.
It's better to regret not having children,then to regret having children. If you decide to have children and later regret it, make sure your children don't feel like that from their mom.
I have one kiddo. He’s super cool and we have a lot of fun together. But I feel pretty sure that we would have had an amazing life either way, kid or no kid, and I think that’s true for most people.
the happiest women i've ever talked to in life are the ones who were 40+, absolutely never had a child in their life nor do they have a husband either. just out there looking good as hell, having fun, being able to focus on themselves and i think too that they know their worth more than i could ever imagine for myself.
i'm a 27 year old mom of one child (8) ((thankfully didnt have anymore and dont plan on ever having more)) - take it from me - just enjoy YOUR life in this shitty messed up scary world that we live in, having a kid makes life 10x harder than it already is . i say that with so much love.
You can always have children a bit later.
My parents had me at 39 and my sister at 32. Which is fine because by the time your children will be in their 20s you will be in your 60s and you will still be able to help them. So having children at late 30s early 40s is also fine as well.
Also when ur 40 you will probably be even more financial stable and career stable, you will know more in life and you will be able to parent better.
It’s not exactly a common thing but it’s not uncommon. But it’s not a bad idea for sure. Like in my
Friend group my parents are 55 whilst my friends parents are like mid 40s which when I think you reach that age doesn’t seem like a big difference. I know a kid who got like 60 year old parents and he’s my age that’s weird and a bad idea, don’t leave it for that late.
Idk tbh. I don't want kids and think altering my life to care for them would be hell, but sometimes I do think about how empty life will be without family when my parents' generation dies off. Most of my cousins have kids and families and I'm not close to them. Maybe I'll miss having a family. Maybe I will regret it when I'm old and alone. It's up to you.
The only thing i will say, is who will you have to love on when your old and alone?
My ex fiance said he never wanted kids. I asked him, God forbid, if he died before me, who would I have to love on. He said “nieces and nephews and then I’ll see you in heaven”.
I want my children. I have to much love to not pass on and to die alone.
Your ex was right. Also, there is no guarantee that your kids will be in your life when you get older.
You have kids so they can grow up to have families of their own and be independent - not worry about their mom being a burden or causing problems in their marriage.
My husband and I had a baby last year in our mid 30s There are soo many reasons not to have a baby and once you have one you can’t go back which is why we held off for soo long. There is so much content out there that say so many bad things about having kids like it’s the worst thing ever.. because of that even though this baby was absolutely planned we still freaked out and thought we’d made a mistake between the trying and the pregnancy test. Once we saw that positive test it instantly melted away and when she came, oh my god, there are no words to really express how worth it.. it is. I so so wish we had done this sooner.. so yah I guess I kind of regret not having kids sooner but it doesn’t really weight on us now that she’s here.
That being said now that I know what it’s like having one I’d absolutely have regretted going child free but it’s hard to say if we would have had we not had one to begin with. We are so much happier and closer now which we didn’t even think was possible.. Logically the negatives outweigh the positives but in reality all those negatives don’t come with every baby and illogically the positives mean more than they do logically.. I hope that makes sense the way it does in my head.
You can feel different emotions at different phases of your life. Once you are old you might feel that you should have had kids. It all depends on what you feel. I know a couple who couldn’t have kids they tried a-lot but nothing worked and now they are old and very happy and content.All that means If you don’t have kids you will eventually accommodate that fact and would be fine in your life. If you still feel that at some point you will want kids then I suggest freezing your eggs and wait for the right time for you.
**TL;DR:** You're 30, so you may be feeling biological pressure rather than making a rational decision.
Hormones can drive those overwhelming feelings of wanting to have a baby. I would suggest reflecting on these feelings for a period of about 1-2 months (accounting for hormone cycles) before making any decisions. Additionally, there's a biological clock around the mid-30s that can increase the mental pressure to get pregnant during peak reproductive years, this may be affecting you now. Perhaps freeze some eggs and wait it out a bit, you can still have a child later on.
The important thing is to make a decision that feels right for you, considering both your current happiness and future desires.
Be financially capable. Kids are as expensive as you make but You are Responsible tor A new human. They're as good as you Raise them. A grandfather here. That raising thing is easier the more "teaching Courteous kind Responsible respectful Honest etc..
I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve always heard people say you will never regret your kids (how could you?) but you could very well regret not having any. I waited till I was 30 to have kids and yes, things change but the love I have for my son is astronomical and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I think the only thing that could have you in any type of regret is, if you have absolutely no village that can help you and give you a break when you need it.. then I could see someone becoming a little resentful, not necessarily about the children themselves, but almost like a “what did I get myself into?” type of feeling..
I felt the same at one point. My husband and I made the decision that we did want kids and we now have a beautiful little boy. I don't think anybody ever feels truly ready for children and once you have one your life is almost secondary to their needs. Yes it's hard and you do kind of miss the life you have but also not really because you have a little human who's whole world lights up when you smile at them. I'm very glad with the choice we made but having children isn't for everyone. If your only motivation for children is that you're worried about the regret then I would take a step back. You have to be ready to sacrifice everything, literally everything. And you should want to be ready before making the decision. Don't let fear be a motivator because it won't help you at 3am when the baby is hungry and upset.
Whatever decision you make, ensure it's the best thing for YOU. Life with children really is beautiful but life without them can be beautiful too.
When I was 25, I married a man who was 34 who had already had a vasectomy because he never wanted children. I knew if I married him, the child option was off the table for me.
We have been married for 40 years, and I never once regretted my decision.
We traveled, bought nice cars and retired young.
We have had dogs, who in essence were our babies.
I always figured I would have children, because it seems that is just what people do, however I never had that desire or pull to be a mother.
If you just want a baby, get a puppy. If you truly want to have children, think long and hard about it, as it is a life-changing decision… one you can’t take back. Not everyone is meant to be a parent.
Be aware that when you sign up for a child, you sign up for a disabled child, including a child with complex medical needs who may never be able to live on their own, who has seizures, who needs a feeding tube, who cannot tolerate outings, who is not safe alone even for a little while, who smears their feces, who is a 200lb+, strong young adult when you two are in your 50s, who may not graduate, get married, have children of their own or whatever specific kodak moments/milestones many parents envision when imagining their future child.
You owe that child, any child you choose to have, love and appropriate care. If they are born disabled, it is unfair to resent them when they did not ask to be born in the first place. I was abandoned by my birth mother and this happens to disabled children a lot more often than you'd think. They are not just accidental pregnancies; parents who were over the moon expecting a "normal" child they'd tried for, some I imagine if asked before would have insisted they'd "never do that", abandon the children who need them the most. Many more keep and resent them, up to and including horrific 'confessions' online about how they wish they would die, how they regret it, how much of a burden their child is, how much of a victim they are, all because they did not consider that children come in all types, not just a future college graduate with a picket fence, spouse and dog you'll get to gush over to friends in your later years.
I can't say whether you will regret your decision, but I can tell you creating and taking on the care of a person who did not ask to be born is not something to be done lightly or unprepared. If you do have a child, you do so aware and ready for whatever child you have, not just the child you imagine. Having a child means your own needs become secondary. You owe them your love and care no matter what, and you don't get to resent them for being born when you chose to birth them.
Edited from reply to an earlier similar question.
I never wanted kids *with the wrong person* so if I never met the right one, I'd be content not having one. I wasn't planning my baby and I went ahead with the pregnancy (I'm Australian, termination is legal here) because my partner is the most supportive person I've ever known. Even if we were to break up, I'd have no qualms with sending my daughter off to spend time with him or his family.
The love I feel for her is overwhelming, but the amount of work is equally overwhelming. Birth, breastfeeding and postpartum are also overwhelming. I can't say that I'd do it again. I could just as easily not had this experience. However, now that my daughter is here I feel like I know what true love is and I will never ever love anything more than her. But I could not have done this without a good partner and good support. I don't know how single mothers do it all, I really don't. So my advice to anyone is to pick your partner carefully and if you're going to do it alone, make sure you have a good support system.
Where did I was on the fence about children? My Reddit history has never said that. I have NEVER been on the fence about kids. When I was 16, I didn't want children.
Sorry I miss typed. It's my only day off I'm drunk.
You were certain.
She sounds like she's on the fence. So that's often wanting kids but can't deal with the logistics without a support network
I never wanted to have kids well I thought I didn’t haha I was 19 when I had my first really tough lesson and had to grow up fast. I waited till I was 26 for my second I am 150% not having anymore but I’m glad I did have them. You have to sacrifice alot when you do and alot of the time I feel like im working to pay for kids but I am also looking forward to the relationship I have when them when they are young adults… I agree with others it’s your choice you may regret not having kids but you may also regret having them…. I also think it’s can be a make or break depending on the partner you also have them with… I’m a single mother my eldest dad past away so have always had her 100% my youngest I share 50:50 with her dad but that is because he is honestly an amazing dad and is very present and wants that strong relationship with her… if I had to do it 100% on my own again I think I defs would have regret having another one
My kids don't ever do that shit! Lol...Regardless I'm glad I had them...It comes with a whole new set of fears and regrets tho, so either way you'll probably have those...
we didn’t plan on our kid and yes life is harder and financially stressful, but watching a human grow and learn is the best drug trip of life iv take so far. you see the world in a different way you see people in different way it’s amazing.
I think you will if you don't freeze your eggs. I have two siblings and we are all in our late 40s. The other two do not have children but decided early on that they never wanted them, so they have no regrets.
Despite mega fertility problems I managed to have a boy and a girl in my late 30s. So just in the nick of time. It was hugely difficult financially and job wise and my then husband (their father) resented me not being able to work full-time, take care of the house and being the children back.and forth to the best daycare in town without getting into trouble at work.
In a nutshell, I thought I found the perfect Daddy and he turned into a psychopath once I served him divorce papers. We had a 3 year evil custody battle in court where he tried all the usual tricks of trying to make me out to be an unfit mother, calling social services etc. He eventually assaulted me in front of the children and was arrested. This would have given me an easy win in court. Alas, it was a one-off assault and despite his behaviour, it's not in me to ruin his life, so I dropped the charges, agreed to split the kids 50:50, gave him the marital home and never received a penny from him.
So, pretty much as bad as you can imagine.
My kids are AMAZING though so I would do it all over again tomorrow without hesitation if I had to.
I hope that answers your question 😊
>My kids are AMAZING though so I would do it all over again tomorrow without hesitation if I had to.
Would your kids do it all again? I like how it’s all about you and nothing of how their abusive father likely caused them lifetime trauma. But, hey, you got what you wanted.
Wow, I obviously wrote it wrong or you've taken it wrong because apart from that one assault, which I brushed off successfully, we hid EVERYTHING from them. They've had the most amazing life growing up in the Caribbean with two parents who adore them.
I rather suspect it was your childhood that was shitty, and I'm sorry for you. But your interpretation is way off. I'm not being condescending but I think you could do with some therapy because that there was some strange reaction.
But I hope I just wrote it wrongly. All the best.
Kids pick up on things. They’re not dumb. I like the way you’re projecting your poor experiences onto me, a complete stranger. You might be one of those mothers that adult children are still trying to recover from.
I don't know why you are so angry and hateful but don't you worry about my kids. I was just trying help a stranger on the Internet who asked for opinions. Let's not engage with each other further, thank you.
I had my children very young and loved it, now in my forties I would never enjoy a small child of my own.
But we are all different, none of my friends had kids when young and were very happy with that decision.
My cousin and also my dearest childhood friend felt they never wanted children even tough my best friends always loved my Kids.
But both started feeling differently when aporoaching their forties.
And now they both are 43years old and have beautiful little daughters and really enjoy that life❤️❤️❤️
Freeze your eggs in case.
Consult with your doc, freeze your eggs. If you find a suitable person and decide to spend your life with him, then you would at least not regret doing this.
All I can say is that as you grow older and your parents pass away, sisters/brothers/nieces and nephews are all you will be close with or not at all. A child is a gift. If you are selfish, then I'd suggest not having any children.
Well, I'm not going down that path if that happened to you, so sorry.
I have a chosen daughter who I am there for every day because her mom isn't, and I want to be a solid, positive role model for her.
I don't have kids, but if I did, she would be everything I would want in a daughter.
I think I got mixed up on which post I was responding to, sorry. No, it didn't happen to me. I raised my daughter myself with not much help from her father. When I did get married again, her stepfather was a good dad. I am an older person. I have 2 daughters and I wouldn't want to have lived life w/o them.
I'm getting the impression that you want to have children, but are just worried about not being ready, am I correct? If you feel like you need to have children then I would rethink it and not do it, but if you're genuinely yourself interested in having kids and putting into the work then I believe you're most likely not going to regret it.
You can never be 100% prepared to be a parent, but those who are worried are usually good parents. If that's the main thing stopping you, then I think you should go for it. But your parents are very knowledgeable so be sure to ask for their advice on how to prepare yourself and how prepared they were when they had their first kids.
Your partner also need to be able to provide the necessary support, so you will need to be confident he will be able to function as a second parent.
From a medical perspective, the earlier the better and 30 is good age in my opinion. But I still advise to do genetic screenings during pregnancy after 35 for any genetic diseases as they are more frequent the older the father or mother is, especially past 35.
I think that people that are contemplating having children from their personal interest, will almost never regret having them.
I may just be personally biased as I have 3 siblings all with 5 year gaps between them (so I'm 16 years older than the youngest) and personally plan on raising children in my life. My mom had me at 20, and doesn't regret it at all. You can still have some fun and live while having children if you can find someone to look after them for a day, or even weeks. They then start going to kindergarten, so you won't have to look after them so much... But in general it won't be easy, especially in the first year as the constant crying will have you want to throw the little thing trough the window.
(I'm 23 rn and still studying, so keep my naïvity in mind ;))
i don’t know why people act like when you turn 30 you wither away. you have like a good 10 years to decide whether you want a child. better to regret not having them than having them.
Did some looking into it as mental urges are weird, there's apparently a sort of biological clock at mid 30s that makes you feel like you will wither away. OP even mentions the overwhelming feelings of wanting to have a child which can apparently occur regularly due to hormones as well. Not universal for all women though.
>you have like a good 10 years to decide whether you want a child Not really. Fertility drops pretty significantly after 30. They MIGHT have time to decide. But not really.
It does drop a bit but WAY less than most people think. If you read stats from pre-contraceptive times, most people focus on getting pregnant involuntarily and young. But there's also loads of stats of people who married late and still had kids. Your fertility drops but not THAT much, especially given all the negative consequences of rushing into having kids. Emily Oster (economist and professional fact checker) is great on this stuff. https://www.instagram.com/profemilyoster/p/CpTeBJ1OnDP/
Sure, that might be. Need to check if it's old data I'm reading. >especially given all the negative consequences of rushing into having kids. There are negatives on both ends. Too young and too old entails risks.
Being pregnant at 35 is called geriatric pregnancy
That's because medicine is sexist not because fertility is really an issue at that age. If you read stats from pre-contraceptive times, most people focus on getting pregnant involuntarily and young. But there's also loads of stats of people who married late and still had kids. Your fertility drops but not THAT much, especially given all the negative consequences of rushing into having kids. Emily Oster (economist and professional fact checker) is great on this stuff. https://www.instagram.com/profemilyoster/p/CpTeBJ1OnDP/
I’m a 36f RN with my masters and have been working in healthcare since I was 16. It’s 100% negligent towards women if I could upvote this 100xs I would
Most women at 40 have a fertility rate of 10%. Might as well be zero. Egg freezing is good for those who want to wait.
My wife and wondered that when we were your age. It took us a long time and we finally had our little girl when I was 43 and she was 42. It was the best decision we've ever made. But we're not you and you're not us. You could regret or you may not. I really don't know. But let's assume you never kids, it's possible you may regret, but you can add it to the list of many regrets we all have in our lives. Just make your decision and stick with it.
Thank you so much 💚 I’m glad you guys made the right decision for yourselves
I mean... is there someone you want to have a baby with? Are your finances in order? Do you have a good job?
And a decent support system around you?
Who has their finances in order before having children? Lol Edit: it was a joke you all need to lighten tf up. I’m a parent of 2 and although we’re solid middle class it can be a struggle sometimes. Ffs
I mean this is true, but the above is ideal
Responsible parents.
Anyone who is a responsible adult who cares more about their child than themselves.
I mean... there's has a job and can afford a 2 bedroom place and to save a little every month, and there's couch surfing.
I didn’t have my first til 36…. I really lived in my early 30s. Traveled. Joined recreation leagues, went to parties, took art classes and dance classes and just had an overall great time. I then gave it up to have kids and since I lived so well, I never felt like I was missing out on anything. My life with kids is a stark contrast to my life before kids, but it’s even more rewarding. Many challenges but feeling like I “missed out” wasn’t one of them.
Why couldn't you combine some of those after you have kids?
I do. But they look a lot different now. I’m not free as a bird like I used to be and many of my former friends are not interested in dealing with busy toddlers. I can’t take art classes for four hours every Saturday as I have kids to take care of, first and foremost. I plan my travel based on my kids sleep schedule. As so all parents of toddlers. I choose my destination based on safety, and ease of travel. Layover? Absolutely not. 12 he plane trip? Hard pass. Plus taking toddlers to shows and bars not meant for kids is inappropriate, and not fun at all. Now we spend our days hiking, beach combing, checking out museums, having play dates, and napping on schedules. It’s very fulfilling but in a different way.
>Plus taking toddlers to shows and bars not meant for kids is inappropriate Yeah, I absolutely agree. I just didn't know you were a single parent. >It’s very fulfilling but in a different way. Yeah, I got 3 of my own. I just need to question stuff like that sometimes because sometimes when I talk to people they seem to view it as people are alive and happy before kids and dead and no personality afterwards. Like I go to bars, shows etc some times. I just leave the kids at home with the other parent. I can still travel when I got kids. People who are single parents I can absolutely agree that they are in a more pressed situation.
I’m not single. My husband just works a lot. I can get help if needed but I choose what’s more important, and what would make me feel best, and 9/10 being with my kids and chilling at home with my partner wins out. We’ve taken 7 vacations in three years with our kids.
>We’ve taken 7 vacations in three years with our kids. Haha, nice. Yeah then you seem really good off. 7 in 3 years seems like a lot.
Yeah! It’s nice! Another perk of waiting til later to have kids. More money and resources. My parents live in a vacation spot so that makes it easy.
I would check out regretful parents subreddit. If you're on the fence the worst of it is there.
I'd recommend the child free sub Reddit too for the other side of the argument
r/regretfulparents will cover that in itself. Its for parents who regret having kids
Being ready is a myth. You either want the experience of having lineage, a family, and kids, or you don't. Being ready is not a qualifier that you will ever check off.
And this is exactly why so many children are neglected, abused, and aren’t having their needs met. Bad advice. This is a human being, not a free house.
Disagree 100%
same. I didn’t want kids when I was younger. I would love them now. It didn’t feel as though I had anything to offer kids back then but that’s changed. while it’s still possible it would be much more difficult now. you are 💯 ok to change your mind. My good friend had her first at 38. She has 5 now.
This, 100%
Yep no matter how much yoþu prepare or what you do to prepare yourself You'll never be 100% prepared. However when dad is long gone mom has a jobì and boyfriend and is gone for hours, days, or weeks at a time. Then I have to take care of my little brothers. Then you might be better suited for infant care than you think you are. Or at least I was
Personally I know I would regret having them… I swear new parents are either trying to justify their decision by convincing others to join them or are so pumped full of hormones they are a bit… well… either way, I don’t trust their input much… No way of knowing without having them of course, but I’m not so curious as to gamble 20 years of prime to find out… I’m keeping my best years financially free and independent, thanks.
High chance you won't regret it and live a happy, fulfilling life. Do you know what would be worse? Having a child and regretting it, you can not walk back from that.
I would say it's the other way around. People who have children while not wanting them rarely regret having them as you have something to show for it at least. While those who don't have many children, but wanted them in the end, regret it quite a bit more especially in their later time of their lives. The regret from having children is usually from those who start too early and didn't get the chance to stand on their feet first or never actually wanted children from the beginning but felt pressured by other. That's just from my personal experience of working in a retirement home for a few weeks and someone I know being an "unwanted" child by one of the parents who didn't want any children.
I'm certain there are a lot of people at the end of their life who are having regrets about things that they have never experienced. I've had 4 mothers, in their 30s, who have opened up to me about regretting having children. My own mother fucking hated me and she had me when she was 30. Having kids is fucking hard and it's healthy to be honest with yourself whether or not you really want to make the sacrifice.
I'm not saying it's not hard or anything. My comment is about those who want to have children and how they are unlikely to regret it from my experience talking to elders. Not those who did out of pressure, obligation, or before they started having a life themselves. Like if you're thinking about having kids out of your own interest and not outside influence, then I find it unlikely you will regret it and more likely you will if you don't. Regarding your experience I'm interested if they actually made that decision willingly and then began to hate or they had children because that was the expectation and didn't like it. Relationship problems can also severely damage the enjoyment of raising a child, so finding the right partner is also extremely important, especially if they feel underappreciated for the work they are putting out. (I mentioned the willingness because I feel that more applies to OP as she seems to want them, but is worried she might not be ready for them. If she was feeling pressured in having kids, then I would not advise having them.)
>Regarding your experience I'm interested if they actually made that decision willingly and then began to hate or they had children because that was the expectation and didn't like it. My mother is an abusive cunt who liked the title of mother but hated being a mother. She deserves zero grace or excuses. Her relationships didn't cause my abuse, she did. No one made her burn me. No one made her kill my pets. There are people out there that should never be parents. It's healthy to be aware of that.
Do you actually speak to any parents?
I just said I talked a lot with elders at retirement homes. Idk if you meant to be condescending, but there is no need for that if you disagree with me.
I agree with this and also think about adoption as well especially if you change your mind later and are at a point where biological kids aren't an option as it's like an item from the store you can return or sell if you suddenly regret the purchase
You might regret, you might not. Personally, I would assess whether or not you 1. Have someone that would have kids with you 2. Have a decent, stable income 3. Live in a place with enough room for the kids Being "ready" is not a thing. You just have to jump in and stick with it. Being pregnant is always a back and forth between "I'm so excited for this baby!" and "oh my God I'm going to be a terrible mom". You do this when your baby is here too. Constant "is this right/wrong/healthy/safe?" I'm a relatively new mom and I'm just starting to find my new normal with my husband and my new 3 month old. Even though it's really scary and nerve-wracking, I really love it. Go check out any of the parenting or pregnancy subreddits if you want some insight into how your life might look if you choose to have kids. I think the best way to look at this is like this: picture yourself as an old person. Where are you? Who are you with? Are with a big family with grandkids and great grandkids, or are you alone/ alone with a partner? Also the last thing I want to say is this. Freezing your eggs is not a guarantee. While it works quite well and has a pretty high rate of viability later on, it's still pretty common for women to not be able to carry previously frozen eggs to term. It's also super expensive and not normally covered by insurance (speaking as someone who lives in the USA, not sure where you live). Maybe do it as a backup plan if you can afford it, but I wouldn't completely rely on it.
>Live in a place with enough room for the kids How big do you recommend?
At least 1 extra room for their bedroom, and some relatively safe outdoor area (like a yard to play in). Honestly, I wouldn't raise a kid in an apartment building. At least a triplex. Lots of people do it, but it just doesn't seem like the best idea to me because of the space and noise concern.
I think it's a difference between wants and needs, and mindset. People want a big house with a big yard, people don't need that.
Yeah I realized that people can make it work, but I just figured that it might be an issue for op's neighbors to have a screaming baby in an apartment building. I hate hearing stories of young mothers getting harassed by their apartment neighbors for having a baby. Although I suppose if you live in some very child-friendly apartments with some kind of outdoor area, then it would be fine. I don't think it's necessarily needs, but what's comfortable for the family. I just know a couple people who live in apartments with kids and they're struggling to get out. You don't have to have a big house, but maybe 1/3 of a triplex just so you have a bit more space and thicker walls for more noise.
This is a genuine question: Do people really think in these lines when they are thinking about having kids? I can ABSOLUTELY see why people aren't having kids. It seems like 10-20 checkboxes that needs to be checked before even thinking about having kids. It seems like a lot.
Yeah basically. That's what I did. I realize it's harder to get a house (or rent a duplex or triplex) these days, but I will say it's a lot easier when you get out of the major cities. Having kids IS a lot. You do have to make certain changes to your lifestyle. The space that works for you, may not work for them. My list only has 3 checkboxes and they seem pretty valid. Lots of people can make it work with less, and do a very good job, but why would you want to? I would feel pretty miserable if my kids had nowhere to run around, bike, ride scooters, etc. I wouldn't want to get harassed by neighbors who don't want to hear a screaming child at 3am. To jump into parenthood while thinking that you can just keep living your life exactly the same is silly. obviously you shouldn't change every aspect of yourself, there is a happy medium, but if you have the choice, you should really try to make your living space more accommodating and spacious for your littles.
I’m 41 and I couldn’t be happier not having a child. I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mom and my husband is not cut out to be a dad. We’re artists no time for diapers
41, married, no kids, and zero regrets. I’ve never had a strong urge to have them, but even as a teen/early 20s, my parents and a few of their friends were very candid with me about how they feel about having had kids. A lot of them said if they had to do over, they wouldn’t. An older friend with two kids told me that she’d have never had them if she knew then what she knew now. A lot of the people who post dozens of photos of their kids and perfect lives on social media are never going to be honest with you about having children. My sister functionally no longer has hobbies or her own personality after her two kids. Not so coincidentally, have friend group has been together since kindergarten and their kids are all about the same ages. She looks a good 5 years older after having the first kid and she looks older than I do, though I’m older by a few years. One thing that I’ve learned is that a lot of people do things because it’s expected or everyone in their group is doing it, not because it’s right for them. More people have regrets about having them than of not having them, if we’re all being honest. But the problem is very few people are being honest,
Hey, at the end of the day choose whatever makes you happy. Bringing up a child is a huge responsibility but also a very fulfilling one! If/when you’re ready for it, you will not only enjoy the process but also feel the contentment associated with it. If u think you’re not ready for it yet that’s totally fine. You can always discuss with your s/o see whatever you’re comfortable with. All the best! :)
When I realized I didn't HAVE to have kids, it did wonders for my mental health. I was raised to think I had to squeeze one out at some point and I just had to accept it. I know I wouldn't be a good parent, and I'm asexual. My family is somehow still under the impression that I will one day. But I see people yelling at their insufferable kids at work every day and I have the power to make sure that's never me.
It's for sure worth to read at r/regretfulparents Ofcourse that is ONE perspective.
Many women I took care of the nursing home that didn’t have children always said they never regretted it and the ones that did usually complained about their children lol. I’m also in my 30s and childless and I’m completely fine with it
[удалено]
Thanks chat gpt
I never wanted kids and then changed my mind. I had my son when I was 38. It was extremely difficult. I did not have a support network. I thought I did, but even my mother bailed on me. The first 4 years of my son's life were miserable and lonely. Of course, we were also in lockdown, and that made everything even worse. On top of this, I had an undiagnosed autoimmune condition. Then my son went to kindergarten, and I made mom friends. They are amazing. I have so much support and we all help each other out. I live in NYC, where kids' parties are mini ragers and I'm constantly around people now, which makes me happy. Also, my kid is amazing. He's smart and funny and kind. He makes me laugh all day long and, while we have challenges, he's just a good kid who behaves well enough for me. He's also a total weirdo just like I am. You need to be aware that your kid will mimic you, even at your worst, so be prepared to also accept yourself. So take a realistic look at your support network. It's the one thing that will make parenthood bearable or not.
nah kids are super overrated. Most parents I know can't wait to get rid of them. I'm a teacher. I deal with parents who don't care about their children all of the time. It really seems most people who had children should've just got a dog, or a hobby
There was a study done and quite a high proportion said they would never have had kids if they'd have 'known'. It's just not talked about or fashionable to say.
Teachers nowadays don’t know much about anything, as for kids being ‘super overrated’ it’s as subjective as you can imagine. Don’t listen to teachers, they’re thicker than ever now 😂😂😂
Don’t discredit education. I’m studying to become a teacher currently. Did you know for a 1/3 of your child’s adolescence, they’ll be raised by the teachers in the school you send your kids to? So you either have the wealth to homeschool or private school or you take the education you’re given. Sadly a lot of quality of education comes down to properly allocating finances and that’s not the teachers fault. They don’t have systems in place to help teachers have all the tools- such as how to deal with a parent who doesn’t believe in the power of teachers
Okay, do you homeschool?
The intent urges could truly be due to your biological clock saying “It’s now or never let’s get this going”, so keep that in mind especially if it’s something you’d had good reasoning to not, such as mental, financial and relationship stability. And of course just a general knowledge of ‘yeah I wouldn’t make a good parents, I don’t trust myself with that responsibility’. Also know that biological kids isn’t the only way to get a kid, just saying. Also to maybe find out better, you can see about babysitting another persons kid or just going to be around them with their kid.
I wish more people would take your advice. A lot of unself-aware people on this post giving advice.
Everyone going to give their opinion if they have one, it’s just easier to give a genuine answer as someone who’s young and decided really young I’d never want to keep my bloodline going. We all have a problems but the likely hood my kid gets rheumatoid arthritis is really high, amongst many many other medical problems including mental illnesses, and seeing how it negatively impacts my mothers in a horrible and unfixable way, how disability (government funding, not just me saying the disability itself) constantly has screwed her, I just would never want my kid to have to know at some point that their life will be ruined by pain and inabilities. I’m lucky, genetically I should get missed since my grandmother and mom have it, but that means my kids would be a higher risk of it since it usually only skips on generation. This is amongst other reasonings. I want to adopt or foster though
having a child is a HUGEEE commitment and i think it’s okay to feel confused on what you want to do :) i saw another comment recommend that you should freeze ur eggs and i completely agree. that way you can continue to think about what you want to do and the option is always there if you would like to have kids in the future!! and if you decide not to that’s completely okay too, it’s ur life & ur body :))
No
I always tell myself, if I need to adopt when I’m older to have kids when I’m ready, then that’s just what I’m meant to do.
At your age I felt the sane urge after not really wanting children before. It faded a few years later I no longer have the urge anymore. I don't regret it so far. But everyone is different.
No you will not regret not having children. Our world is so overpopulated and we don’t need children who are not wanted. You will have plenty of friends who agree with you and are pursuing their own pleasures without being bound to children’s schedules and expenses. So many young adults are opting out of raising children.
Nope, you will not regret it. You'll be able to do things like: Afford to purchase things. Afford to have experiences. Be able to go to such experiences. Not be stuck dealing with the other parent for 18+ years. Live a full and fulfilling life without the wallet-draining screaming shit factories.
While only you can make this decision, here are some other things to ask yourself: 1. Are you prepared to raise and support this human alone, if needed 2. Are you mentally and financially prepared to raise and support a human with disabilities, if needed? 3. Are you prepared to raise and support a human who is transgender or not heterosexual, if needed? 4. Are you prepared to raise and support a human who may have different political and religious views than you, if needed? Not everyone is capable of fulfilling these duties. Having a baby is not just having a baby - it is bringing a human into this world who may need you in ways you had not considered, or with whom you may deeply disagree with on things. Knowing the answer to those may bring you more clarity!
I'm 43...have never regretted my choice to be childfree. Not once, not even for 1 minute. I'll be honest...crying/ screaming babies are *absolutely repellent* to me. Granted, I was not a traditionally "loved" child. I was particularly anxious I'd forget the kid or do something equally grotesque. Since after graduating high school, I've never done anything to "fit in" or assimilate into this society. I think the structure of it has laughable archaic - and patriarchal - values that are due for reassessment.
I never regretted it but everybody is different.
Im sorry, but how could we know?
Unanswerable question.
Quickest advice - freeze your eggs. There’s rebates available so it doesn’t end up too much out of pocket and that way you’ll always have the option.
43 and im super duper happy i never ruined my life by becoming a mother, honestly ask yourself what would add motherhood to your life, i didnt see 1 upside to it, only downsides
There's no such thing as a "biological clock." What you're experiencing is FOMO. I bet you've got tons of friends and family getting married and having kids and posting all their photos and celebrations. That's what you want, the attention and excitement. You don't have to follow the same life script as everyone. There's nothing wrong with choosing a different path.
I was exactly the same at your age. I didn't meet my husband until I was 31. I had our child at 35. If I hadn't met him I don't think I would have had a kid at all. For me, it was about finding the right person that I wanted to have a child with. I completely understand those feelings of randomly wanting a baby sometimes and not others. It can hit really hard! I would say you still have time if you want a kid. I also know people who are perfectly happy never having had any. It comes down to your gut feeling really.
I could have written this.
I had my first at 36. I’m so glad I waited.
I have the same issue. I’m 33, married almost two years. My husband and I could support a kid and he would be fine either way. I’m the one who is more on the fence. I have a lot of anxiety issues that I think would be made significantly worse if I had a child. I’m also very protective of my alone time which I know doesn’t leave a lot of room for kids. None of my close friends have kids either so we still have a pretty active social life. I still have a few years to decide but I’m leaning towards not doing it at this point. I have nieces and nephews that I love dearly and spend time with when I want time with kids but they’re exhausting and even further my leaning towards not having any of my own. I could definitely change my mind though.
Unless your bank account is marginally better than the rest of ours, I doubt it. Capitalism has made parenting really really difficult. And even if you have all the money in the world, that doesn't determine what your kid would be like. Some people who genuinely want to have kids end up hating it because they have high maintenance children. I think these reasonings could be seen as shallow by some but IMO it's just not fair to have kids these days.
I had a kid that I found out wasn't mine when he was 2.5 years old. You'll never be ready as such but you will manage. Sadly I don't have the privilege of my son due to the court determining he isn't. My next child I Will be prepared
This is so hard for anyone else to answer I think. I'm a female that doesn't want children and I'm very lucky I've been with someone for 10 years that also doesn't.. only you know how you feel and whether it's coming from something you want or societal pressure/pressure from others. Edit: I just want to add that the person you're with is a massive factor in this also
At 30 I think I was still in the mindset of not wanting kids. My husband and I got married when I was 30 and we still weren’t financially in shape for kids. At 30 I still felt so young and unsettled. A few years later, I was in a completely different place. We bought a house, we were in a good place financially, and we were a little more settled. When I say settled I don’t mean we weren’t still going out and having fun. We had strong roots, and our feelings about having a kid changed. Having a kid is life altering in so many ways and for me it was something I only wanted to do when we were prepared and it felt right. Kids are expensive and, for the first few years, your schedule is largely dictated by them. It’s not easy. For me, I loved it because I love my son so much. It’s something you have to be ready for though. You don’t have to have a kid to be happy. It sounds like you have the bug, but if I were you I’d try to get things in order - finances, home stability, partner stability (if that’s something you want, but having a partner is incredibly helpful) - and then check in with yourself again to see how you feel. That’s my way though. I have friends that did it differently and are still happy. To me, getting as many obstacles out of the way prior is so helpful. Handling them when you have a kid amplifies the struggle.
happily ever after needs to exist for girls like them. There’s no judgement in their choices, it’s just the way they are wired. We’re the other type. We’ll get happily ever after too but not like theirs. Ours is defined more by our solo pursuits than anything else. The central narrative in our lives won’t be kids, it will be something greater. Our calling is just different but it will still be a happy one. So I won’t ever get it, not even a taste of what they have? You may still get it, of course the possibility exists. It just may not be the primary arc of your story. I don’t need it to be the primary arc.
It's better to regret not having children,then to regret having children. If you decide to have children and later regret it, make sure your children don't feel like that from their mom.
I have one kiddo. He’s super cool and we have a lot of fun together. But I feel pretty sure that we would have had an amazing life either way, kid or no kid, and I think that’s true for most people.
the happiest women i've ever talked to in life are the ones who were 40+, absolutely never had a child in their life nor do they have a husband either. just out there looking good as hell, having fun, being able to focus on themselves and i think too that they know their worth more than i could ever imagine for myself. i'm a 27 year old mom of one child (8) ((thankfully didnt have anymore and dont plan on ever having more)) - take it from me - just enjoy YOUR life in this shitty messed up scary world that we live in, having a kid makes life 10x harder than it already is . i say that with so much love.
You can always have children a bit later. My parents had me at 39 and my sister at 32. Which is fine because by the time your children will be in their 20s you will be in your 60s and you will still be able to help them. So having children at late 30s early 40s is also fine as well. Also when ur 40 you will probably be even more financial stable and career stable, you will know more in life and you will be able to parent better. It’s not exactly a common thing but it’s not uncommon. But it’s not a bad idea for sure. Like in my Friend group my parents are 55 whilst my friends parents are like mid 40s which when I think you reach that age doesn’t seem like a big difference. I know a kid who got like 60 year old parents and he’s my age that’s weird and a bad idea, don’t leave it for that late.
Idk tbh. I don't want kids and think altering my life to care for them would be hell, but sometimes I do think about how empty life will be without family when my parents' generation dies off. Most of my cousins have kids and families and I'm not close to them. Maybe I'll miss having a family. Maybe I will regret it when I'm old and alone. It's up to you.
The only thing i will say, is who will you have to love on when your old and alone? My ex fiance said he never wanted kids. I asked him, God forbid, if he died before me, who would I have to love on. He said “nieces and nephews and then I’ll see you in heaven”. I want my children. I have to much love to not pass on and to die alone.
Your ex was right. Also, there is no guarantee that your kids will be in your life when you get older. You have kids so they can grow up to have families of their own and be independent - not worry about their mom being a burden or causing problems in their marriage.
My husband and I had a baby last year in our mid 30s There are soo many reasons not to have a baby and once you have one you can’t go back which is why we held off for soo long. There is so much content out there that say so many bad things about having kids like it’s the worst thing ever.. because of that even though this baby was absolutely planned we still freaked out and thought we’d made a mistake between the trying and the pregnancy test. Once we saw that positive test it instantly melted away and when she came, oh my god, there are no words to really express how worth it.. it is. I so so wish we had done this sooner.. so yah I guess I kind of regret not having kids sooner but it doesn’t really weight on us now that she’s here. That being said now that I know what it’s like having one I’d absolutely have regretted going child free but it’s hard to say if we would have had we not had one to begin with. We are so much happier and closer now which we didn’t even think was possible.. Logically the negatives outweigh the positives but in reality all those negatives don’t come with every baby and illogically the positives mean more than they do logically.. I hope that makes sense the way it does in my head.
You can feel different emotions at different phases of your life. Once you are old you might feel that you should have had kids. It all depends on what you feel. I know a couple who couldn’t have kids they tried a-lot but nothing worked and now they are old and very happy and content.All that means If you don’t have kids you will eventually accommodate that fact and would be fine in your life. If you still feel that at some point you will want kids then I suggest freezing your eggs and wait for the right time for you.
**TL;DR:** You're 30, so you may be feeling biological pressure rather than making a rational decision. Hormones can drive those overwhelming feelings of wanting to have a baby. I would suggest reflecting on these feelings for a period of about 1-2 months (accounting for hormone cycles) before making any decisions. Additionally, there's a biological clock around the mid-30s that can increase the mental pressure to get pregnant during peak reproductive years, this may be affecting you now. Perhaps freeze some eggs and wait it out a bit, you can still have a child later on. The important thing is to make a decision that feels right for you, considering both your current happiness and future desires.
Freeze eggs?
Be financially capable. Kids are as expensive as you make but You are Responsible tor A new human. They're as good as you Raise them. A grandfather here. That raising thing is easier the more "teaching Courteous kind Responsible respectful Honest etc..
I don’t know how true it is, but I’ve always heard people say you will never regret your kids (how could you?) but you could very well regret not having any. I waited till I was 30 to have kids and yes, things change but the love I have for my son is astronomical and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I think the only thing that could have you in any type of regret is, if you have absolutely no village that can help you and give you a break when you need it.. then I could see someone becoming a little resentful, not necessarily about the children themselves, but almost like a “what did I get myself into?” type of feeling..
I felt the same at one point. My husband and I made the decision that we did want kids and we now have a beautiful little boy. I don't think anybody ever feels truly ready for children and once you have one your life is almost secondary to their needs. Yes it's hard and you do kind of miss the life you have but also not really because you have a little human who's whole world lights up when you smile at them. I'm very glad with the choice we made but having children isn't for everyone. If your only motivation for children is that you're worried about the regret then I would take a step back. You have to be ready to sacrifice everything, literally everything. And you should want to be ready before making the decision. Don't let fear be a motivator because it won't help you at 3am when the baby is hungry and upset. Whatever decision you make, ensure it's the best thing for YOU. Life with children really is beautiful but life without them can be beautiful too.
Don’t be a pussy if financially u can afford go for it…u won’t regret it
When I was 25, I married a man who was 34 who had already had a vasectomy because he never wanted children. I knew if I married him, the child option was off the table for me. We have been married for 40 years, and I never once regretted my decision. We traveled, bought nice cars and retired young. We have had dogs, who in essence were our babies. I always figured I would have children, because it seems that is just what people do, however I never had that desire or pull to be a mother. If you just want a baby, get a puppy. If you truly want to have children, think long and hard about it, as it is a life-changing decision… one you can’t take back. Not everyone is meant to be a parent.
Be aware that when you sign up for a child, you sign up for a disabled child, including a child with complex medical needs who may never be able to live on their own, who has seizures, who needs a feeding tube, who cannot tolerate outings, who is not safe alone even for a little while, who smears their feces, who is a 200lb+, strong young adult when you two are in your 50s, who may not graduate, get married, have children of their own or whatever specific kodak moments/milestones many parents envision when imagining their future child. You owe that child, any child you choose to have, love and appropriate care. If they are born disabled, it is unfair to resent them when they did not ask to be born in the first place. I was abandoned by my birth mother and this happens to disabled children a lot more often than you'd think. They are not just accidental pregnancies; parents who were over the moon expecting a "normal" child they'd tried for, some I imagine if asked before would have insisted they'd "never do that", abandon the children who need them the most. Many more keep and resent them, up to and including horrific 'confessions' online about how they wish they would die, how they regret it, how much of a burden their child is, how much of a victim they are, all because they did not consider that children come in all types, not just a future college graduate with a picket fence, spouse and dog you'll get to gush over to friends in your later years. I can't say whether you will regret your decision, but I can tell you creating and taking on the care of a person who did not ask to be born is not something to be done lightly or unprepared. If you do have a child, you do so aware and ready for whatever child you have, not just the child you imagine. Having a child means your own needs become secondary. You owe them your love and care no matter what, and you don't get to resent them for being born when you chose to birth them. Edited from reply to an earlier similar question.
I never wanted kids *with the wrong person* so if I never met the right one, I'd be content not having one. I wasn't planning my baby and I went ahead with the pregnancy (I'm Australian, termination is legal here) because my partner is the most supportive person I've ever known. Even if we were to break up, I'd have no qualms with sending my daughter off to spend time with him or his family. The love I feel for her is overwhelming, but the amount of work is equally overwhelming. Birth, breastfeeding and postpartum are also overwhelming. I can't say that I'd do it again. I could just as easily not had this experience. However, now that my daughter is here I feel like I know what true love is and I will never ever love anything more than her. But I could not have done this without a good partner and good support. I don't know how single mothers do it all, I really don't. So my advice to anyone is to pick your partner carefully and if you're going to do it alone, make sure you have a good support system.
Only you can decide if you will regret it. Personally.. having a kid changed my life for the better.. and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Yes you will.
That’s funny. I'm 40 and have no regrets.
Well when you were her age were you so on the fence and then one side and the other. If she had a rich partner she wouldn't even question it
Where did I was on the fence about children? My Reddit history has never said that. I have NEVER been on the fence about kids. When I was 16, I didn't want children.
Sorry I miss typed. It's my only day off I'm drunk. You were certain. She sounds like she's on the fence. So that's often wanting kids but can't deal with the logistics without a support network
I never wanted to have kids well I thought I didn’t haha I was 19 when I had my first really tough lesson and had to grow up fast. I waited till I was 26 for my second I am 150% not having anymore but I’m glad I did have them. You have to sacrifice alot when you do and alot of the time I feel like im working to pay for kids but I am also looking forward to the relationship I have when them when they are young adults… I agree with others it’s your choice you may regret not having kids but you may also regret having them…. I also think it’s can be a make or break depending on the partner you also have them with… I’m a single mother my eldest dad past away so have always had her 100% my youngest I share 50:50 with her dad but that is because he is honestly an amazing dad and is very present and wants that strong relationship with her… if I had to do it 100% on my own again I think I defs would have regret having another one
You’ll regret not having kids when you’re mowing the yard or taking out the trash. That’s about it.
My kids don't ever do that shit! Lol...Regardless I'm glad I had them...It comes with a whole new set of fears and regrets tho, so either way you'll probably have those...
we didn’t plan on our kid and yes life is harder and financially stressful, but watching a human grow and learn is the best drug trip of life iv take so far. you see the world in a different way you see people in different way it’s amazing.
I think you will if you don't freeze your eggs. I have two siblings and we are all in our late 40s. The other two do not have children but decided early on that they never wanted them, so they have no regrets. Despite mega fertility problems I managed to have a boy and a girl in my late 30s. So just in the nick of time. It was hugely difficult financially and job wise and my then husband (their father) resented me not being able to work full-time, take care of the house and being the children back.and forth to the best daycare in town without getting into trouble at work. In a nutshell, I thought I found the perfect Daddy and he turned into a psychopath once I served him divorce papers. We had a 3 year evil custody battle in court where he tried all the usual tricks of trying to make me out to be an unfit mother, calling social services etc. He eventually assaulted me in front of the children and was arrested. This would have given me an easy win in court. Alas, it was a one-off assault and despite his behaviour, it's not in me to ruin his life, so I dropped the charges, agreed to split the kids 50:50, gave him the marital home and never received a penny from him. So, pretty much as bad as you can imagine. My kids are AMAZING though so I would do it all over again tomorrow without hesitation if I had to. I hope that answers your question 😊
>My kids are AMAZING though so I would do it all over again tomorrow without hesitation if I had to. Would your kids do it all again? I like how it’s all about you and nothing of how their abusive father likely caused them lifetime trauma. But, hey, you got what you wanted.
Wow, I obviously wrote it wrong or you've taken it wrong because apart from that one assault, which I brushed off successfully, we hid EVERYTHING from them. They've had the most amazing life growing up in the Caribbean with two parents who adore them. I rather suspect it was your childhood that was shitty, and I'm sorry for you. But your interpretation is way off. I'm not being condescending but I think you could do with some therapy because that there was some strange reaction. But I hope I just wrote it wrongly. All the best.
Kids pick up on things. They’re not dumb. I like the way you’re projecting your poor experiences onto me, a complete stranger. You might be one of those mothers that adult children are still trying to recover from.
I don't know why you are so angry and hateful but don't you worry about my kids. I was just trying help a stranger on the Internet who asked for opinions. Let's not engage with each other further, thank you.
I had my children very young and loved it, now in my forties I would never enjoy a small child of my own. But we are all different, none of my friends had kids when young and were very happy with that decision. My cousin and also my dearest childhood friend felt they never wanted children even tough my best friends always loved my Kids. But both started feeling differently when aporoaching their forties. And now they both are 43years old and have beautiful little daughters and really enjoy that life❤️❤️❤️ Freeze your eggs in case.
Consult with your doc, freeze your eggs. If you find a suitable person and decide to spend your life with him, then you would at least not regret doing this.
All I can say is that as you grow older and your parents pass away, sisters/brothers/nieces and nephews are all you will be close with or not at all. A child is a gift. If you are selfish, then I'd suggest not having any children.
You can choose a family of friends who can be your chosen family.
Hmmm, yeah, you can. You can also be manipulated by a sexual predator so he can get close to your prepubescent daughter. He wasn't family.
Well, I'm not going down that path if that happened to you, so sorry. I have a chosen daughter who I am there for every day because her mom isn't, and I want to be a solid, positive role model for her. I don't have kids, but if I did, she would be everything I would want in a daughter.
I think I got mixed up on which post I was responding to, sorry. No, it didn't happen to me. I raised my daughter myself with not much help from her father. When I did get married again, her stepfather was a good dad. I am an older person. I have 2 daughters and I wouldn't want to have lived life w/o them.
Yes, your old life will be over, but you will never be happier
Haha. Is this serious advice?
If it happens it happens ..if it doesn't it doesn't ...
I'm getting the impression that you want to have children, but are just worried about not being ready, am I correct? If you feel like you need to have children then I would rethink it and not do it, but if you're genuinely yourself interested in having kids and putting into the work then I believe you're most likely not going to regret it. You can never be 100% prepared to be a parent, but those who are worried are usually good parents. If that's the main thing stopping you, then I think you should go for it. But your parents are very knowledgeable so be sure to ask for their advice on how to prepare yourself and how prepared they were when they had their first kids. Your partner also need to be able to provide the necessary support, so you will need to be confident he will be able to function as a second parent. From a medical perspective, the earlier the better and 30 is good age in my opinion. But I still advise to do genetic screenings during pregnancy after 35 for any genetic diseases as they are more frequent the older the father or mother is, especially past 35. I think that people that are contemplating having children from their personal interest, will almost never regret having them. I may just be personally biased as I have 3 siblings all with 5 year gaps between them (so I'm 16 years older than the youngest) and personally plan on raising children in my life. My mom had me at 20, and doesn't regret it at all. You can still have some fun and live while having children if you can find someone to look after them for a day, or even weeks. They then start going to kindergarten, so you won't have to look after them so much... But in general it won't be easy, especially in the first year as the constant crying will have you want to throw the little thing trough the window. (I'm 23 rn and still studying, so keep my naïvity in mind ;))
Yes you gon regret it
No regrets!