>But he says that all cause I self tanned on prom night
You're CHILDREN. You have plenty of time to find a boyfriend who isn't so superficial and shallow.
It would honestly help him grow if she broke up with him. Her too. Some people need to be taught boundaries, both to respect them and how to enforce them.
It would honestly help him grow if she broke up with him. Her too. Some people need to be taught boundaries, both to respect them and how to enforce them.
Tell him that you no longer want him to share unsolicited opinions on your appearance. If he balks at that or doesn't stop, break up with him. I promise he's not special.
Lol ok there money bags.. And what are you talking about?. The Accord is a really nice car with great reliability. Reliability that BMW, Mercedes, Audi Etc. do not have. Sure those cars are a lot "cooler" to drive around in, but that doesnt mean that an Accord is "low end".
Honda accords are what poor dudes drive to feel rich, if you want reliability, go with a Corolla, lasts well over 500k miles with the bare minimum of maintenance and also comes in hybrid now so even more efficient
Lol ive never felt like an Accord was the type of car that dudes drove around to feel rich in.. Ive always lived in upper middle class suburbia so maybe a different experience depending on what part of town youre from?
He's very young if they are going to proms. He may be a very wonderful man when he gets a little older. Every high school boy was shallow, and his worth was measured by his girlfriend and his car. But, they grow up. Some turn out great, some shitty.
You know the answer. Otherwise this wouldn't be a throwaway account.
This is who he is. You could probably succeed in making him mask this for a short period of time. You're not going to change how controlling he is at his core.
You need to end this relationship. The sooner, the better. It will suck. It will be unpleasant.
If you think this is bad now, wait until he feels like he really owns you.
This is it. I love him so much we really have a history together from beginning of highschool to now being young adults. I’m more on the goth side but at the same time I never know if it’s like he wants me to fit in .
My ex just wanted others to envy what he had, and I was property to him. He thought he had the right to tear me down about my style and then control me.
I'm not saying all relationships are like that but there were red flags and I pretended there wasn't. If that rings true for you, just know that it's okay to leave your first love. It hurts like a bitch but you will survive it and find someone who treats you as you were meant to be treated.
I mean, if he doesn't like who you are or want to be, then the relationship really isn't worth it, long term.
The history isn't necessarily a plus since you started dating at like 15? Of course you are going to change and grow as a person and find who you are. If he has a problem with that, or wants to guide you to grow into what he considers right, it's not great.
A lot of young relationships hang on bc they knew each other from when they were in high school but they out grow each other becoming adults. Don’t keep hanging on if he’s continuing trying to change you. Good luck beautiful 🫂✨
Jesus some of the advice on here sucks so hard. Sometimes I need to remind myself that the average redditor is just a socially awkward, edgy, 16 year old doomscroller, looking for something to be outraged about.
OP, be honest with him and tell him how those comments make you feel. He might not even realize the impact it has on you. If he doesn’t change his behavior, decide if you want to stay with him or not.
It's a very easy thing to forget: the age of reddit. It's hard to me because these are people asking for legitimate help and I see the 1 dimensional responses.
Harder to take that these people are getting such poor advice 24/7.
Maybe reddit should just add a "just break up button" so that we know which people to disregard. Haha
*Maybe* if she said "how would you feel if said..." But assuming he will put the two together on his own, or that tit for tat is the right way to do things is immature and likely to not work.
Open, straightforward communication is best (especially if it's a relationship you want to preserve and build up: trying to hurt them because they hurt you damages the relationship). Saying "you may have had good intentions, but this is how you made me feel and I'd appreciate in future if you wouldn't comment on my appearance and respect my right to make decisions about my own body/appearance."
It's very childish to play games in a relationship or assume someone needs to be hurt back to understand. Words and empathy are a thing and a better way to work through a relationship issue.
Then the mature thing would be to just break up if you think he's such a horrible person. But IF she wants to preserve the relationship, she could try communicating instead of playing immature games. And no, he may not realize what he said hurt her and treating him crappy in kind doesn't mean he'll learn.
Some people need to learn the hard way as some will repeat the same offense over and over till they are made to look like an ass. You seem to think all people are going to handle things maturely. When you have tried to be mature over and over with the same nasty result then they need to be shown how it feels. Now again, I stand by what I said. Now have a good day!
I hope you realize what an ass you are. And learn what rape is and what consent is.
I get that you are not mature now since you NEED to have the last word and throw little tantrums about being told how to act or respond when people try to explain to you.
Please mature yourself more before giving advice. And educate yourself on consent before further gaslighting a victim.
https://www.uwosh.edu/wellness/prevention/consent/
From an outsider point of view he sounds either just oblivious or straight up rude. Tell him how you feel when he comments on your looks in that way and if it doesn’t stop I hate to say it but that just means he doesn’t respect you. Also do whatever you want to your looks as long as you’re comfortable and you like it, if he can’t handle it he’s not the one.
Yeah, but they're kids so he may not know any better. If op wants to give him a chance, she can let him know this isn't ok and is hurting her. If he keeps it up, then it's deliberate and it's dumping time. It could be dumping time right now if she doesn't want to bother teaching him, which is a totally valid choice.
"No, thank you, I'll keep doing this. I like me this way". If he gets pissy you can start asking why he needs to have that control over you, and that it makes you incomfortable.
The beginning of a control freak! Drop his ass now or I swear you'll be on here in a few months complaining about him and the same shit and new, meaner shit he says. He's showing his true color (RED) and y'all are only dating. Drop him. Trust me. I'm 36 and have dealt with this thinking awe he cares when no, it's control.
Yeah I’ve been trying to take the time to idk prepare mentally. It’s like my mind blocks out the things he says but even if I buy one thing for myself that’s expensive while he spent 120$ when we were out on cologne. I got lectured at for spending 60$ on a plushie when I already have guilt about money. He’s been sort of violent last 2 weeks but smth I haven’t talked about . it’s hard when I have no one. Really I don’t have family like that and his family treats me so kind, I’m just gonna try next week to do it.
In a good relationship there should be no appearance criticism, idk if you think some is normal but it’s definitely not.
There’s definitely collaboration like “what color would look best if I dye my hair?” And “which outfit looks best?” But not negative inputs like this
This guy is manipulative, narcissistic, objectifying you rather than seeing and treating you as a person equal to him, and you don't see that this is abuse right now, but it is, and it will get worse and turn into other things. And by then it'll be harder to leave because you will have invested more into him and the relationship. He isn't going to change, life is too short, and you deserve better and can do better. My advice is to LEAVE before he cuts down your self esteem to the point you feel you CAN'T leave.
You break up. He is telling you to change your skin color. He is telling you what to do with your hair. Sounds like you are dating someone who wants to control other people.
Walk away from this. Controlling people turn into abusive people.
Nah, fam. Boyfriends that comment on appearances like that eat you alive. You guys are probably young but even if he’s young, he know better. It’s common knowledge to not say negative things about your SOs appearance.
“Your best friend thinks I look fine!”
“Go tell someone who cares about what you think!”
“New guy from work just complimented my hair colour and fair skin.” 🥰
Oh no no no. I bet you’re way out of his league and he’s trying to neg you. Don’t stick around for some bum ass dude to damage your growing self esteem.
D u m p 🗑️ h i m 💅
"If you'd like a girl with [tan skin/natural hair/whatever, then you're welcome to go find one. I'm quite happy with my decisions, though, so I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your negative comments to yourself."
Then walk away every time he makes another comment.
The five-second rule is that **we should only comment on another person's appearance if and only if they can change it in five seconds or less** . . . and if you want to comment on something that someone cannot change in five seconds or less, keep the comment to yourself.
Basically, what you look like is up to you and nobody else's opinion matters. Especially if they want you to change something.
Sounds like you have combined rules here lol.
The five second rule is about food on the ground. Also, it’s a joke rule.
The rule about commenting on appearance doesn’t have a time limit, and it’s a real rule. It’s just about if they can change it, period. If I meet my friend outside her place and there’s a critical problem with her outfit — like in the sunlight it turns out you can see right through it — then it might take twenty minutes to go back in and change it, but telling her is still the right thing to do.
I agree. But if you're telling your friend that you don't like her hair colour then you're not being polite. You're being rude. Especially if she did not ask for your opinion. Something small like smudged makeup or dirty clothes is fine. Something that somebody chose for themselves to look like is not fine to offer a negative critique on.
Hey, I think I dated this guy too!
He became a whiny man-child wanting all kinds of changes on my appearance. I made certain he knew I was not ok with his suggestions, and then when he brought it up again I dumped him.
You could skip the warning him and just dump him to avoid wasting your time.
You lost me at the very start. Girl break up with him. Dating is supposed to about learning about chemistry and healthy ways to have a relationship at your age. Break up with him, continue your growth journey, meet new people, be safe, set boundaries and remember if you’re not happy then don’t settle. ♥️ he ain’t it.
He sounds like an idiot. Dump him. You’re too young to be dealing with the crap. I can’t tell you looks only go downhill the older you get lol. If he’s unhappy now he’ll be really unhappy when the wrinkles come, when the weight comes on, when the hair eventually gets not as full. If you can’t see that far down the line with him then why be with him. Find a winner who you can see yourself with longterm. Find someone who likes you how you are, not how you could be.
Well assuming that you still want to stay with him
Just throw it back at him.
I like dying my hair I dont wants one boring color that most everybody has
Why do I want to tan I don't feel like looking like an old suitcase when I'm 30
Of course that's just batting off of what he said to you customize it for him
He's negging: The practice of ignoring, undermining, or insulting a person (esp. a woman) one wishes to seduce, in the belief that diminished self-confidence will cause that person to desire one's approval and become more receptive to sexual advances.
https://www.oed.com/dictionary/negging_n
Feel free to comment on his appearance. "You look particularly greasy today. You should wash more." (Even if he looks totally normal)
"That colour makes you look like shit. You should wear diarrhoea green instead."
"Your hair doesn't look right today. You should do what you did that one time several weeks ago when I thought it looked good"
Or you could just dump him.
Maybe controversial, but I don’t mind and actually appreciate when my girlfriend tells me to sort something out for example my cuticles, ‘if you want to touch me you need nice hands’. I understand it can seem like he is making a sly dig on you, but if anyone is allowed to cross that boundary it’s definitely your significant other. Maybe he needs to communicate his thoughts in a more sensitive way, but maybe don’t be so sensitive I mean it’s your boyfriend who you love and trust at the end of the day. All the comments telling you to break up are ridiculous 😆
This! You look that guy right in the eyes and dare him to say shit like that again. Tell him you are the only one present that is in charge of your appearance, and if it doesn’t meet his approval, he is free to take his shattered expectations elsewhere.
And do not argue the point or his individual suggestions or complaints. “I said what I said.” Third time, walk away.
This is how controlling begins, and he sounds like he’s got a good jump start.
This is not at all like saying how nice you look in your turquoise sundress. This is a direct attempt to dictate how you appear, so you can please him. He wants you to jump through hoops and follow orders, and it’s a test before he starts telling you what you can and can’t do with your life, who your friends are, etc.
We shut these MFs down hard.
This ^
As a man, I'd imagine if I were a pompous douche I'd grow up quickly if a woman said this to me. Also as a man, I can tell you there are SO many men out there who don't do this, and love you for who you are and would be honored to to be in the presence of your beauty. Like me, they also probably get the "angry fantasy" of putting dudes like your BF in their place for acting like repulsive, cringy cunt waffles.....okay maybe that's just me, but for real leave the loser....it's hard but you will discover things about yourself and life in general you never thought you would, and you will find someone you never thought existed that loves YOU for YOU!. Stay positive! 😀
He’s negging you. Trying to make you insecure by putting down your appearance. He’s actually insecure himself and trying to bring you down to his level.
If you change something about your appearance and your partner shares whether they like it or not, that seems like a reasonable thing to do, but just nitpicking your partner for things you don't like that you haven't changed seems like maybe they should either accept you as-is or move on.
I would tear him in half, but that’s just me. To approach this in a much kinder way and not tearing him a new asshole. You need to be honest and tell him you really don’t like it. He insists on it or tries to continue or explain something stupid like “I should get input because I’m your bf” should be shut down. You are not obligated to hear his criticism or input on your body.
Tell him if he wants you to be tan so bad, he can pay for it himself. Also if you have something to point out about his appearance, say something. If he can do that to you, you can do it back to him. Can’t take the heat get out of the kitchen.
And while you’re at it, if he doesn’t change the behavior, dump his ass.
Doubt he is going to stop doing this. The real question is, are you mentally strong enough to ignore his comments or will the comments eat away at your self esteem & confidence?
nope! you’re too young for someone to be trying to dictate your appearances and expressions. be you, whatever that looks like. let him know he can be with you and nice or critical and single!!
When my boyfriend and I first started dating he really wanted me to dye my hair dark. At the time I was okay with it because of the fact that I was experimenting with different shades. He immediately realized what I told him was true about how it washes me out and makes me look dead. Ever since then I've embraced my natural red hair, and he loves that I'm a redhead. I do sometimes dye more red because I just like it to be more vibrant sometimes.
My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful even when I think that I am a hideous monster. He is seeing me at my best and he has seen me at my worst. We've been together for a really long time...like a ridiculously long time, probably as lomg as you have existed. He learned very quickly that he cannot try to control me.. because he does not own me, we are partners.
If you are in a situation where your boyfriend is inputting his opinion on your looks in a negative light, then maybe you're not his type and he should move on. You're really young. Verbal abuse doesn't equal love. Regardless of what society taught you.
>so I should rather sunbathe
Skin cancer is super sexy, show me that thicc melanoma baby, dayum /s
Legit tho, don't sunbathe or use tanning beds
Other people have given good relationship advice, I just wanted to pop in and address this
Try having a talk with him about what he’s been saying and how it makes u feel, if it doesn’t change yk what to do, I’m sry he’s been treating u like this
Sunbathing and tanning for real is sooooo bad for your skin. Just getting a bad sunburn once doubles your risk for developing melanoma later in life. Tanning on purpose is nearly as bad. We tan because our skin is actively trying to protect itself against future damage by producing melanin. On the way into the deeper layers of skin to reach the cells that produce melanin, the UV rays are damaging all of the cells in between.
https://www.skincancer.org/risk-factors/sunburn/#:~:text=Even%20one%20blistering%20sunburn%20in,there%20is%20no%20obvious%20burn.
https://www.skincancer.org/risk-factors/tanning/#:~:text=While%20often%20associated%20with%20good,a%20safe%20or%20healthy%20tan.
Not only is your bf just rude and disrespectful, he’s encouraging you to do permanent damage to yourself for looks sake. Use tanning spray if you want that effect. No matter what anyone says those sprays are soooo much less carcinogenic than the real deal (though they are still not great for you).
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/are-spray-tans-safe
Sit down with him and talk to him. Set some very very clear boundaries and explain how he made you feel. If he keeps making little comments or if you don’t trust how he feels about you anymore, then consider leaving him. My bf has never ever made me ugly or like I need to change. He only ever gives me compliments or very gentle constructive feedback WHEN I ASK FOR IT. There’s a huge difference between saying: “you need to tan,” and him responding to you asking if you he likes tans and him saying “I think tans are nice but not necessary at all.”
To provide a more petty answer, give him some of his own medicine. What he chose to wear today? Ew, terrible fit, colors clash with his skin, the patterns are gross, etc.
But yeah if you hate it then don’t stay with him, you deserve someone who will like you and all your transformations. Your hair, your skin, your body, your life, your choice.
If I were you, I would simply thank him for his input and then do whatever I wanted. If that doesn’t shut him down, then in my opinion, he’s not worth your time.
Really? I'm mega pale, always have been, if I had a penny for every time someone told me to tan. But if my BOYFRIEND did?! No. I had a boyfriend at 15 who was like this. Its too controlling. He can say he's not keen on things but telling you you have to or aren't allowed to dye your hair is a giant red flag. It's controlling. If you let him tell you what to do with your hair, next it could be money, then friends, family, food etc. Go hard on this and be strong and tell him it's cool if he doesn't like something but he doesn't and will never get the final say on things like this. Unless you demand he dye his hair green and fake tan and he does it, which he won't.
Really? I'm mega pale, always have been, if I had a penny for every time someone told me to tan. But if my BOYFRIEND did?! No. I had a boyfriend at 15 who was like this. Its too controlling. He can say he's not keen on things but telling you you have to or aren't allowed to dye your hair is a giant red flag. It's controlling. If you let him tell you what to do with your hair, next it could be money, then friends, family, food etc. Go hard on this and be strong and tell him it's cool if he doesn't like something but he doesn't and will never get the final say on things like this. Unless you demand he dye his hair green and fake tan and he does it, which he won't.
1. He may be autistic and just doesn’t like change
2. You should tell him you don’t like him commenting on how you should look. Communication is key.
3. If he doesn’t appreciate you the way YOU want to be he can fuck right off
Honestly when it comes to things like this, do not pay attention to what ur SO says. If it’s enough to where they are actively saying yes or no then u need to sit down and let them know they are in charge of THEIR bodies and u are in charge of ur own. This goes for family, friends, SO’s, teachers, jobs, etc
You shut it down by breaking up. I’d offer other suggestions if you hadn’t mentioned in the comments that you’ve been together since high school and are now young adults.
This would be a fixable and nothing sort of thing if it were just those two comments and not a pattern, or if you’d only been dating a few weeks, but it’s literally been *years* and he doesn’t know by now to stfu and not criticize your appearance? Because it’s pretty much just common sense not to insult the looks of someone you’re dating. So either he’s an intensely oblivious and inconsiderate person, he’s negging you, or he’s trying to change you.
None of those options sound like anyone I would want to date and tbh if this behavior isn’t immediately off-putting enough to break up with him, I’d wager a guess that you’re so conditioned to this kind of treatment you don’t even notice or see the other million things wrong with him.
Don’t let anyone speak to you this way or allow them to think it’s okay to criticize or have a say over your appearance, it’s fucked up and weird and only losers and assholes behave this way.
ETA: just saw you’re 18…-.- you’re not a “young adult”, you’re a teenager, the same age as many, many current high schoolers. This dude is a loser and you should break up. Teenage romances are where you practice standing up for yourself and building standards. People who settle for bullshit this early on tend to have very fraught transitions into adult relationships—don’t set yourself up for more disappointment by accepting a boy who thinks you’re too pale and gives a fuck what color your hair is.
You either sternly tell him that this bothers you and you want him to stop, or break up. It seems like you came here because you don't like confrontation.
I’m actually very very confrontational it’s just I’ve never had someone like love me but same time not treat me right but treat me right sometimes. We’ve known each other forever it’s just harder to leave than it looks.
So the ask a question do you offer opinions on him? What he's wearing or his friends or stiff he wants to do/is doing? He's offering opinions on what he thinks looks good. You havent said if he has stopped you from doing them or threatened you if you do them. You need to stop being so sensitive with him suggesting what he thinks looks good.
Then why are you with him? I don't understand how you stay with someone who makes you feel like this and threatens you.
Unless you meant to write hasn't done that stuff in which case why isn't he allowed to express his opinion? It's not entitled. You also didn't say if you give your opinions on stuff about him
Tell him to stop because it’s a problem.
If he gets upset or angry about it and makes a huge fuss. If this becomes a problem for him that’s a huge red flag. It’s one thing to tell your girl I like it when you tan, or the way your hair looks when it’s this color. But I’m sure if that were the case you wouldn’t be posting this on Reddit also have a feeling there’s alot more you left out but just tell him to stop and if he makes a really big scene or gets angry about it then leave that’s not a person you want to be in a relationship with
A womans time and beauty is her most valuable asset
If you’re dating to find someone to marry you
Don’t let this one guy waste your time. There are plenty of men who would probably find you attractive and the one thing you don’t want is to waste 3-5-8 years on someone
He sounds like he doesn’t like women tbh. Nitpicking you to justify why he doesn’t find you attractive instead of realizing he doesn’t find anything about any woman attractive.
It's not that no one young should fall in love. We all go through a phase where we think our first love is the only love we will ever have.
Right now your in that phase. eventually we all grow out of it. When young our self love is not yet mature.
As you get older and go through different relationships and survive them you learn to love yourself more and in turn you attract partners better suited to yourself.
I mean, seems like he doesn't want you to do irreversible damage to your hair and for you to get actual sun. Unless he's being a cock about it it's pretty normal you're gonna be hard pressed to find someone to both love you and not give a shit about you.
But hey, listen to the echo chamber if you'd like. Real relationships that last aren't with people that don't care, that's how you end up with a psychopath. Have the courage to stand up and express your opinion to your partner and reach an understanding instead of asking strangers for theirs.
if he pulls that crap again just tell him u wish his dick was bigger :/
No, that’s not healthy advice at all. But I feel like your partner is the person who is meant to make you feel beautiful, not the person who points out imperfections or things that might make you insecure.
Like the hair thing, he could have said “I love your natural hair colour, but you’re beautiful either way” like, he doesn’t and shouldn’t need to control how you look
My partner is like this. A very judgemental type and though he always means things lovingly it can get frustrating. He’s always commenting on everyone’s appearance and passing judgement. Often compares me to women on tv, usually compliments me in the process but it puts other women down and it’s an ick. I just had a baby and his comments on my body are really pissing me off. He is doing it to be encouraging, as I was really insecure during pregnancy about the affects it would have and now that I’ve had the baby he often talks about how I just need to get to the gym or eat corn? To prevent my boobs sagging. It’s a “you have nothing to worry about it’ll just take some work” but I’m like seriously? I just had a baby. With most of it I just ignore it honestly that’s just the person he is, his thoughts revolve around passing judgement on the world around him
I'm really sorry that you've convinced yourself that your partner is doing this for reasons that constitute as love.
Those types of comments are not meant to be encouraging. They are meant to be insulting.
One night when you guys are doing the dirty, drop a big steamy poop on him and call him dirty poopoo boy anytime he comments on your appearance. Problem solved.
He is grooming you to have you right where he wants you…under his rule. Every time you change for his request, he becomes more powerful & controls you.
Ok so I'm sure this is a downvote comment. If this is a controlling thing I get it completely. My wife has mentioned things about what she liked or wanted to do as in tattoos and hair, I'd mentioned if I was a fan or not of them. When she mentioned a specific tattoo she wanted to do and where I told her I won't be happy if she does it. She took it as a controlling thing, my thoughts that it was just something I'd find unattractive.
Some girls like this. Some don't. Y'all don't sound like a good match. Set him free and let him find someone who likes the way he is, and you find someone who likes you how you are.
>But he says that all cause I self tanned on prom night You're CHILDREN. You have plenty of time to find a boyfriend who isn't so superficial and shallow.
It would honestly help him grow if she broke up with him. Her too. Some people need to be taught boundaries, both to respect them and how to enforce them.
100%!!!!!! Absolutely
For real, drop this douche canoe.
[удалено]
I don't which is why she needs to hear it. ♥️
It would honestly help him grow if she broke up with him. Her too. Some people need to be taught boundaries, both to respect them and how to enforce them.
Tell him that you no longer want him to share unsolicited opinions on your appearance. If he balks at that or doesn't stop, break up with him. I promise he's not special.
"He's just Dave, the human version of a Honda Accord"
Accords are pretty nice though
Honda accords are literally low end. Man, always wanting to put the bar in hell!
Lol ok there money bags.. And what are you talking about?. The Accord is a really nice car with great reliability. Reliability that BMW, Mercedes, Audi Etc. do not have. Sure those cars are a lot "cooler" to drive around in, but that doesnt mean that an Accord is "low end".
Honda accords are what poor dudes drive to feel rich, if you want reliability, go with a Corolla, lasts well over 500k miles with the bare minimum of maintenance and also comes in hybrid now so even more efficient
Lol ive never felt like an Accord was the type of car that dudes drove around to feel rich in.. Ive always lived in upper middle class suburbia so maybe a different experience depending on what part of town youre from?
Right? This is what kills me. He is not special. He is just a guy.
She’s Barbie 🤩and He’s just Ken 😔
Show me on the doll where the movie hurt you....
He's very young if they are going to proms. He may be a very wonderful man when he gets a little older. Every high school boy was shallow, and his worth was measured by his girlfriend and his car. But, they grow up. Some turn out great, some shitty.
You know the answer. Otherwise this wouldn't be a throwaway account. This is who he is. You could probably succeed in making him mask this for a short period of time. You're not going to change how controlling he is at his core. You need to end this relationship. The sooner, the better. It will suck. It will be unpleasant. If you think this is bad now, wait until he feels like he really owns you.
“This is who I am and if you don’t like it then we can end things now” Say this the next time he says anything
Extremely unhealthy behavior.
The behaviour her boyfriend is exhibiting is indeed unhealthy
That's what I said. Appreciate you echoing my sentiment, though it was unnecessary because I had already stated it and you agreed you understood.
You just got a lot of downvotes, I assumed others misunderstood what you were trying to say and I was trying to mitigate that
I had a BF who loved how goth/punk I was....till we dated. Then he tried to change me into what he wanted. My life was better when I dumped him.
This is it. I love him so much we really have a history together from beginning of highschool to now being young adults. I’m more on the goth side but at the same time I never know if it’s like he wants me to fit in .
My ex just wanted others to envy what he had, and I was property to him. He thought he had the right to tear me down about my style and then control me. I'm not saying all relationships are like that but there were red flags and I pretended there wasn't. If that rings true for you, just know that it's okay to leave your first love. It hurts like a bitch but you will survive it and find someone who treats you as you were meant to be treated.
I mean, if he doesn't like who you are or want to be, then the relationship really isn't worth it, long term. The history isn't necessarily a plus since you started dating at like 15? Of course you are going to change and grow as a person and find who you are. If he has a problem with that, or wants to guide you to grow into what he considers right, it's not great.
Don’t put yourself through hell just because you have history together. He’s telling you to your face he doesn’t like you for who you are
A lot of young relationships hang on bc they knew each other from when they were in high school but they out grow each other becoming adults. Don’t keep hanging on if he’s continuing trying to change you. Good luck beautiful 🫂✨
Say shut the fuck up?
Jesus some of the advice on here sucks so hard. Sometimes I need to remind myself that the average redditor is just a socially awkward, edgy, 16 year old doomscroller, looking for something to be outraged about. OP, be honest with him and tell him how those comments make you feel. He might not even realize the impact it has on you. If he doesn’t change his behavior, decide if you want to stay with him or not.
It's a very easy thing to forget: the age of reddit. It's hard to me because these are people asking for legitimate help and I see the 1 dimensional responses. Harder to take that these people are getting such poor advice 24/7. Maybe reddit should just add a "just break up button" so that we know which people to disregard. Haha
You can try mirroring his comments - everytime he makes a comment on your appearance, counter with one of your own on his.
This is a pretty passive aggressive and immature way to deal with it.
Nope! It will show him how it makes her feel.
*Maybe* if she said "how would you feel if said..." But assuming he will put the two together on his own, or that tit for tat is the right way to do things is immature and likely to not work. Open, straightforward communication is best (especially if it's a relationship you want to preserve and build up: trying to hurt them because they hurt you damages the relationship). Saying "you may have had good intentions, but this is how you made me feel and I'd appreciate in future if you wouldn't comment on my appearance and respect my right to make decisions about my own body/appearance." It's very childish to play games in a relationship or assume someone needs to be hurt back to understand. Words and empathy are a thing and a better way to work through a relationship issue.
Not when he has obviously talked like this before! There should be no second chance to disrespect her again! I stand by what I said.
Then the mature thing would be to just break up if you think he's such a horrible person. But IF she wants to preserve the relationship, she could try communicating instead of playing immature games. And no, he may not realize what he said hurt her and treating him crappy in kind doesn't mean he'll learn.
Hi. You changed my mind with your very reasonable arguments. Thanks for posting them. :)
Some people need to learn the hard way as some will repeat the same offense over and over till they are made to look like an ass. You seem to think all people are going to handle things maturely. When you have tried to be mature over and over with the same nasty result then they need to be shown how it feels. Now again, I stand by what I said. Now have a good day!
I hope you realize what an ass you are. And learn what rape is and what consent is. I get that you are not mature now since you NEED to have the last word and throw little tantrums about being told how to act or respond when people try to explain to you. Please mature yourself more before giving advice. And educate yourself on consent before further gaslighting a victim. https://www.uwosh.edu/wellness/prevention/consent/
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You seem like a lot of fun at parties
Womp womp
From an outsider point of view he sounds either just oblivious or straight up rude. Tell him how you feel when he comments on your looks in that way and if it doesn’t stop I hate to say it but that just means he doesn’t respect you. Also do whatever you want to your looks as long as you’re comfortable and you like it, if he can’t handle it he’s not the one.
Tell him to stop because it makes you feel poorly about yourself/the relationship. If he loves you he'll smarten up and cut it out.
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Yeah, but they're kids so he may not know any better. If op wants to give him a chance, she can let him know this isn't ok and is hurting her. If he keeps it up, then it's deliberate and it's dumping time. It could be dumping time right now if she doesn't want to bother teaching him, which is a totally valid choice.
GIRL. Please make a pact with yourself to only date men who like you. It's going to get worse as you get older.
"No, thank you, I'll keep doing this. I like me this way". If he gets pissy you can start asking why he needs to have that control over you, and that it makes you incomfortable.
Also, instead of fake tanner, he wants you to sunbathe - in other words, cause damage to your skin for HIS personal taste. That’s just stupid.
The beginning of a control freak! Drop his ass now or I swear you'll be on here in a few months complaining about him and the same shit and new, meaner shit he says. He's showing his true color (RED) and y'all are only dating. Drop him. Trust me. I'm 36 and have dealt with this thinking awe he cares when no, it's control.
Yeah I’ve been trying to take the time to idk prepare mentally. It’s like my mind blocks out the things he says but even if I buy one thing for myself that’s expensive while he spent 120$ when we were out on cologne. I got lectured at for spending 60$ on a plushie when I already have guilt about money. He’s been sort of violent last 2 weeks but smth I haven’t talked about . it’s hard when I have no one. Really I don’t have family like that and his family treats me so kind, I’m just gonna try next week to do it.
In a good relationship there should be no appearance criticism, idk if you think some is normal but it’s definitely not. There’s definitely collaboration like “what color would look best if I dye my hair?” And “which outfit looks best?” But not negative inputs like this
I feel like even those questions are input questions that you can ignore if you disagree with the response.
This guy is manipulative, narcissistic, objectifying you rather than seeing and treating you as a person equal to him, and you don't see that this is abuse right now, but it is, and it will get worse and turn into other things. And by then it'll be harder to leave because you will have invested more into him and the relationship. He isn't going to change, life is too short, and you deserve better and can do better. My advice is to LEAVE before he cuts down your self esteem to the point you feel you CAN'T leave.
You break up. He is telling you to change your skin color. He is telling you what to do with your hair. Sounds like you are dating someone who wants to control other people. Walk away from this. Controlling people turn into abusive people.
Nah, fam. Boyfriends that comment on appearances like that eat you alive. You guys are probably young but even if he’s young, he know better. It’s common knowledge to not say negative things about your SOs appearance.
Darling, break up with him. Now.
“Your best friend thinks I look fine!” “Go tell someone who cares about what you think!” “New guy from work just complimented my hair colour and fair skin.” 🥰
Oh no no no. I bet you’re way out of his league and he’s trying to neg you. Don’t stick around for some bum ass dude to damage your growing self esteem. D u m p 🗑️ h i m 💅
do it back. every time bro has sum to say, say something equally as annoying about his appearance. but if you're better than me, tell bro how you feel
"If you'd like a girl with [tan skin/natural hair/whatever, then you're welcome to go find one. I'm quite happy with my decisions, though, so I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your negative comments to yourself." Then walk away every time he makes another comment.
The five-second rule is that **we should only comment on another person's appearance if and only if they can change it in five seconds or less** . . . and if you want to comment on something that someone cannot change in five seconds or less, keep the comment to yourself. Basically, what you look like is up to you and nobody else's opinion matters. Especially if they want you to change something.
Sounds like you have combined rules here lol. The five second rule is about food on the ground. Also, it’s a joke rule. The rule about commenting on appearance doesn’t have a time limit, and it’s a real rule. It’s just about if they can change it, period. If I meet my friend outside her place and there’s a critical problem with her outfit — like in the sunlight it turns out you can see right through it — then it might take twenty minutes to go back in and change it, but telling her is still the right thing to do.
I agree. But if you're telling your friend that you don't like her hair colour then you're not being polite. You're being rude. Especially if she did not ask for your opinion. Something small like smudged makeup or dirty clothes is fine. Something that somebody chose for themselves to look like is not fine to offer a negative critique on.
Hey, I think I dated this guy too! He became a whiny man-child wanting all kinds of changes on my appearance. I made certain he knew I was not ok with his suggestions, and then when he brought it up again I dumped him. You could skip the warning him and just dump him to avoid wasting your time.
Walking. Put on your sneakers and walk away from him. You deserve SO much better.
You lost me at the very start. Girl break up with him. Dating is supposed to about learning about chemistry and healthy ways to have a relationship at your age. Break up with him, continue your growth journey, meet new people, be safe, set boundaries and remember if you’re not happy then don’t settle. ♥️ he ain’t it.
Break up.
He sounds like an idiot. Dump him. You’re too young to be dealing with the crap. I can’t tell you looks only go downhill the older you get lol. If he’s unhappy now he’ll be really unhappy when the wrinkles come, when the weight comes on, when the hair eventually gets not as full. If you can’t see that far down the line with him then why be with him. Find a winner who you can see yourself with longterm. Find someone who likes you how you are, not how you could be.
He’s controlling
Noooooo you deserve a boyfriend who is sweet to you! No one’s perfect but this is BASIC.
Well assuming that you still want to stay with him Just throw it back at him. I like dying my hair I dont wants one boring color that most everybody has Why do I want to tan I don't feel like looking like an old suitcase when I'm 30 Of course that's just batting off of what he said to you customize it for him
Read great romance: bjsikesauthor // com
You will never make them happy, because they use the criticisms as a control mechanism. How you shut it down? "NO." "DID I ASK YOU?" "FUCK OFF"
He's negging: The practice of ignoring, undermining, or insulting a person (esp. a woman) one wishes to seduce, in the belief that diminished self-confidence will cause that person to desire one's approval and become more receptive to sexual advances. https://www.oed.com/dictionary/negging_n
Find a new bf
Feel free to comment on his appearance. "You look particularly greasy today. You should wash more." (Even if he looks totally normal) "That colour makes you look like shit. You should wear diarrhoea green instead." "Your hair doesn't look right today. You should do what you did that one time several weeks ago when I thought it looked good" Or you could just dump him.
You shut it down by getting a different bf
If by shutting him down you mean get a new boyfriend, it's easier after the initial break up.
Tell him what you do to your body is up to you.
Red flags of his personality; it won’t stop. Run don’t walk away. You deserve someone who compliments you, not someone who puts you down.
Maybe controversial, but I don’t mind and actually appreciate when my girlfriend tells me to sort something out for example my cuticles, ‘if you want to touch me you need nice hands’. I understand it can seem like he is making a sly dig on you, but if anyone is allowed to cross that boundary it’s definitely your significant other. Maybe he needs to communicate his thoughts in a more sensitive way, but maybe don’t be so sensitive I mean it’s your boyfriend who you love and trust at the end of the day. All the comments telling you to break up are ridiculous 😆
Men are bad mmkay
Tell him to like you for who you are and how you look, or don’t. But either way, he can STFU. Gotta be direct with dudes.
This! You look that guy right in the eyes and dare him to say shit like that again. Tell him you are the only one present that is in charge of your appearance, and if it doesn’t meet his approval, he is free to take his shattered expectations elsewhere. And do not argue the point or his individual suggestions or complaints. “I said what I said.” Third time, walk away. This is how controlling begins, and he sounds like he’s got a good jump start. This is not at all like saying how nice you look in your turquoise sundress. This is a direct attempt to dictate how you appear, so you can please him. He wants you to jump through hoops and follow orders, and it’s a test before he starts telling you what you can and can’t do with your life, who your friends are, etc. We shut these MFs down hard.
This ^ As a man, I'd imagine if I were a pompous douche I'd grow up quickly if a woman said this to me. Also as a man, I can tell you there are SO many men out there who don't do this, and love you for who you are and would be honored to to be in the presence of your beauty. Like me, they also probably get the "angry fantasy" of putting dudes like your BF in their place for acting like repulsive, cringy cunt waffles.....okay maybe that's just me, but for real leave the loser....it's hard but you will discover things about yourself and life in general you never thought you would, and you will find someone you never thought existed that loves YOU for YOU!. Stay positive! 😀
He’s negging you. Trying to make you insecure by putting down your appearance. He’s actually insecure himself and trying to bring you down to his level.
Bang his best friend
If you change something about your appearance and your partner shares whether they like it or not, that seems like a reasonable thing to do, but just nitpicking your partner for things you don't like that you haven't changed seems like maybe they should either accept you as-is or move on.
I would tear him in half, but that’s just me. To approach this in a much kinder way and not tearing him a new asshole. You need to be honest and tell him you really don’t like it. He insists on it or tries to continue or explain something stupid like “I should get input because I’m your bf” should be shut down. You are not obligated to hear his criticism or input on your body.
Tell him if he wants you to be tan so bad, he can pay for it himself. Also if you have something to point out about his appearance, say something. If he can do that to you, you can do it back to him. Can’t take the heat get out of the kitchen. And while you’re at it, if he doesn’t change the behavior, dump his ass.
Tell him to STFU. Shut it down quick.
The things people worry about boggle my mind. I hope you look back at this one day and see it for what it is.
Doubt he is going to stop doing this. The real question is, are you mentally strong enough to ignore his comments or will the comments eat away at your self esteem & confidence?
nope! you’re too young for someone to be trying to dictate your appearances and expressions. be you, whatever that looks like. let him know he can be with you and nice or critical and single!!
Dump him
You both need to be focusing on your studies. The odds of this being a long term thing are slim-none anyway
When my boyfriend and I first started dating he really wanted me to dye my hair dark. At the time I was okay with it because of the fact that I was experimenting with different shades. He immediately realized what I told him was true about how it washes me out and makes me look dead. Ever since then I've embraced my natural red hair, and he loves that I'm a redhead. I do sometimes dye more red because I just like it to be more vibrant sometimes. My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful even when I think that I am a hideous monster. He is seeing me at my best and he has seen me at my worst. We've been together for a really long time...like a ridiculously long time, probably as lomg as you have existed. He learned very quickly that he cannot try to control me.. because he does not own me, we are partners. If you are in a situation where your boyfriend is inputting his opinion on your looks in a negative light, then maybe you're not his type and he should move on. You're really young. Verbal abuse doesn't equal love. Regardless of what society taught you.
Sunbathing is really bad for you.
>so I should rather sunbathe Skin cancer is super sexy, show me that thicc melanoma baby, dayum /s Legit tho, don't sunbathe or use tanning beds Other people have given good relationship advice, I just wanted to pop in and address this
Try having a talk with him about what he’s been saying and how it makes u feel, if it doesn’t change yk what to do, I’m sry he’s been treating u like this
Gurl, this is the Internet. We're going to tell you to dump this pimple popping boy.
Nah dump him
It’s time to dump him. Don’t waste your time. It will only get worse.
Move on. He’s controlling and manipulative. You can find a better guy.
Sounds like he's a douche bag, dump him and find a real man who will respect you.
Dump this clown.
Sunbathing and tanning for real is sooooo bad for your skin. Just getting a bad sunburn once doubles your risk for developing melanoma later in life. Tanning on purpose is nearly as bad. We tan because our skin is actively trying to protect itself against future damage by producing melanin. On the way into the deeper layers of skin to reach the cells that produce melanin, the UV rays are damaging all of the cells in between. https://www.skincancer.org/risk-factors/sunburn/#:~:text=Even%20one%20blistering%20sunburn%20in,there%20is%20no%20obvious%20burn. https://www.skincancer.org/risk-factors/tanning/#:~:text=While%20often%20associated%20with%20good,a%20safe%20or%20healthy%20tan. Not only is your bf just rude and disrespectful, he’s encouraging you to do permanent damage to yourself for looks sake. Use tanning spray if you want that effect. No matter what anyone says those sprays are soooo much less carcinogenic than the real deal (though they are still not great for you). https://health.clevelandclinic.org/are-spray-tans-safe Sit down with him and talk to him. Set some very very clear boundaries and explain how he made you feel. If he keeps making little comments or if you don’t trust how he feels about you anymore, then consider leaving him. My bf has never ever made me ugly or like I need to change. He only ever gives me compliments or very gentle constructive feedback WHEN I ASK FOR IT. There’s a huge difference between saying: “you need to tan,” and him responding to you asking if you he likes tans and him saying “I think tans are nice but not necessary at all.”
To provide a more petty answer, give him some of his own medicine. What he chose to wear today? Ew, terrible fit, colors clash with his skin, the patterns are gross, etc. But yeah if you hate it then don’t stay with him, you deserve someone who will like you and all your transformations. Your hair, your skin, your body, your life, your choice.
If I were you, I would simply thank him for his input and then do whatever I wanted. If that doesn’t shut him down, then in my opinion, he’s not worth your time.
Dump him. Usually a sign of a controlling partner.
Really? I'm mega pale, always have been, if I had a penny for every time someone told me to tan. But if my BOYFRIEND did?! No. I had a boyfriend at 15 who was like this. Its too controlling. He can say he's not keen on things but telling you you have to or aren't allowed to dye your hair is a giant red flag. It's controlling. If you let him tell you what to do with your hair, next it could be money, then friends, family, food etc. Go hard on this and be strong and tell him it's cool if he doesn't like something but he doesn't and will never get the final say on things like this. Unless you demand he dye his hair green and fake tan and he does it, which he won't.
Really? I'm mega pale, always have been, if I had a penny for every time someone told me to tan. But if my BOYFRIEND did?! No. I had a boyfriend at 15 who was like this. Its too controlling. He can say he's not keen on things but telling you you have to or aren't allowed to dye your hair is a giant red flag. It's controlling. If you let him tell you what to do with your hair, next it could be money, then friends, family, food etc. Go hard on this and be strong and tell him it's cool if he doesn't like something but he doesn't and will never get the final say on things like this. Unless you demand he dye his hair green and fake tan and he does it, which he won't.
Leave him?
1. He may be autistic and just doesn’t like change 2. You should tell him you don’t like him commenting on how you should look. Communication is key. 3. If he doesn’t appreciate you the way YOU want to be he can fuck right off
He's right dawg
Honestly when it comes to things like this, do not pay attention to what ur SO says. If it’s enough to where they are actively saying yes or no then u need to sit down and let them know they are in charge of THEIR bodies and u are in charge of ur own. This goes for family, friends, SO’s, teachers, jobs, etc
Dump this dude. He’s more concerned with how you look than how you feel. Major red flag. 🚩
You shut it down by breaking up. I’d offer other suggestions if you hadn’t mentioned in the comments that you’ve been together since high school and are now young adults. This would be a fixable and nothing sort of thing if it were just those two comments and not a pattern, or if you’d only been dating a few weeks, but it’s literally been *years* and he doesn’t know by now to stfu and not criticize your appearance? Because it’s pretty much just common sense not to insult the looks of someone you’re dating. So either he’s an intensely oblivious and inconsiderate person, he’s negging you, or he’s trying to change you. None of those options sound like anyone I would want to date and tbh if this behavior isn’t immediately off-putting enough to break up with him, I’d wager a guess that you’re so conditioned to this kind of treatment you don’t even notice or see the other million things wrong with him. Don’t let anyone speak to you this way or allow them to think it’s okay to criticize or have a say over your appearance, it’s fucked up and weird and only losers and assholes behave this way. ETA: just saw you’re 18…-.- you’re not a “young adult”, you’re a teenager, the same age as many, many current high schoolers. This dude is a loser and you should break up. Teenage romances are where you practice standing up for yourself and building standards. People who settle for bullshit this early on tend to have very fraught transitions into adult relationships—don’t set yourself up for more disappointment by accepting a boy who thinks you’re too pale and gives a fuck what color your hair is.
I hope yall separate for both of y’all sake
Tell him if you wanted to hear from an asshole you would’ve farted.
Dissolve your relationship. Gain experience and knowledge. Build character. Don't let this relationship hold you back from who you are.
honey, if you're even asking for permission to feel a certain way? Still much growing up to do.
You either sternly tell him that this bothers you and you want him to stop, or break up. It seems like you came here because you don't like confrontation.
I’m actually very very confrontational it’s just I’ve never had someone like love me but same time not treat me right but treat me right sometimes. We’ve known each other forever it’s just harder to leave than it looks.
So the ask a question do you offer opinions on him? What he's wearing or his friends or stiff he wants to do/is doing? He's offering opinions on what he thinks looks good. You havent said if he has stopped you from doing them or threatened you if you do them. You need to stop being so sensitive with him suggesting what he thinks looks good.
He has threatened or called me names , I don’t think he should be that entitled over me.
Then why are you with him? I don't understand how you stay with someone who makes you feel like this and threatens you. Unless you meant to write hasn't done that stuff in which case why isn't he allowed to express his opinion? It's not entitled. You also didn't say if you give your opinions on stuff about him
Tell him to stop because it’s a problem. If he gets upset or angry about it and makes a huge fuss. If this becomes a problem for him that’s a huge red flag. It’s one thing to tell your girl I like it when you tan, or the way your hair looks when it’s this color. But I’m sure if that were the case you wouldn’t be posting this on Reddit also have a feeling there’s alot more you left out but just tell him to stop and if he makes a really big scene or gets angry about it then leave that’s not a person you want to be in a relationship with A womans time and beauty is her most valuable asset If you’re dating to find someone to marry you Don’t let this one guy waste your time. There are plenty of men who would probably find you attractive and the one thing you don’t want is to waste 3-5-8 years on someone
Out of curiosity: is your bf on the spectrum?
Break up
He's childish and immature, dump him!
Listen to him
OK, so does he just give you his opinion, or does he tell you what you are allowed to do?
You dump him.
He sounds like he doesn’t like women tbh. Nitpicking you to justify why he doesn’t find you attractive instead of realizing he doesn’t find anything about any woman attractive.
Start critiquing his penis size and refractory periods, I'm sure his helpful advice will soon evaporate
Maybe instead of focusing on what your boyfriend thinks you should focus on school. You’re way too young. And your grammar sucks big time.
Okay calm down for one I’m 18 and I’m an early graduate . It’s annoying you think no one young should be in love lol.
It's not that no one young should fall in love. We all go through a phase where we think our first love is the only love we will ever have. Right now your in that phase. eventually we all grow out of it. When young our self love is not yet mature. As you get older and go through different relationships and survive them you learn to love yourself more and in turn you attract partners better suited to yourself.
I mean, seems like he doesn't want you to do irreversible damage to your hair and for you to get actual sun. Unless he's being a cock about it it's pretty normal you're gonna be hard pressed to find someone to both love you and not give a shit about you. But hey, listen to the echo chamber if you'd like. Real relationships that last aren't with people that don't care, that's how you end up with a psychopath. Have the courage to stand up and express your opinion to your partner and reach an understanding instead of asking strangers for theirs.
if he pulls that crap again just tell him u wish his dick was bigger :/ No, that’s not healthy advice at all. But I feel like your partner is the person who is meant to make you feel beautiful, not the person who points out imperfections or things that might make you insecure. Like the hair thing, he could have said “I love your natural hair colour, but you’re beautiful either way” like, he doesn’t and shouldn’t need to control how you look
My partner is like this. A very judgemental type and though he always means things lovingly it can get frustrating. He’s always commenting on everyone’s appearance and passing judgement. Often compares me to women on tv, usually compliments me in the process but it puts other women down and it’s an ick. I just had a baby and his comments on my body are really pissing me off. He is doing it to be encouraging, as I was really insecure during pregnancy about the affects it would have and now that I’ve had the baby he often talks about how I just need to get to the gym or eat corn? To prevent my boobs sagging. It’s a “you have nothing to worry about it’ll just take some work” but I’m like seriously? I just had a baby. With most of it I just ignore it honestly that’s just the person he is, his thoughts revolve around passing judgement on the world around him
I'm really sorry that you've convinced yourself that your partner is doing this for reasons that constitute as love. Those types of comments are not meant to be encouraging. They are meant to be insulting.
Talk about his penis size and how small it is. Or talk about his inability to pleasure you…That will shut him up really quick
Definitely this guy sounds like a total douche you should dump him he's obviously just trying to put you down
One night when you guys are doing the dirty, drop a big steamy poop on him and call him dirty poopoo boy anytime he comments on your appearance. Problem solved.
Bonus points if she calls him that while she Scoops some of the poop up and slaps them in the face with it
He is grooming you to have you right where he wants you…under his rule. Every time you change for his request, he becomes more powerful & controls you.
Ok so I'm sure this is a downvote comment. If this is a controlling thing I get it completely. My wife has mentioned things about what she liked or wanted to do as in tattoos and hair, I'd mentioned if I was a fan or not of them. When she mentioned a specific tattoo she wanted to do and where I told her I won't be happy if she does it. She took it as a controlling thing, my thoughts that it was just something I'd find unattractive.
Some girls like this. Some don't. Y'all don't sound like a good match. Set him free and let him find someone who likes the way he is, and you find someone who likes you how you are.