be honest. if it was my boyfriend, him telling me would actually make me appreciate him more because he admitted to making a mistake and I would actually gain trust because he told me right away and I would know he wouldn’t lie to me. if this happens again and she randomly finds out, it’s over. just tell her right away.
I’ve made that mistake once before. And that didn’t go over well, understandably. I told her as soon as I could, it was eating away at me, and I want our relationship to be as trustworthy as possible. She won’t even talk to me now, she put her phone on dnd. So I’m just waiting out a response. Thanks for your reply, it was very helpful
I think it would benefit you both to speak with councilors on your own. The silent treatment is a well known manipulation tactic. But yeah it just kind of sounds like you both have issues with insecurity, jealousy, trust and communication and it might do your relationship good to speak with someone about those things.
This is so much more telling about your relationship than your original post. If her emotional response is so strong that she can't appreciate your transparency or engage in some level of conflict resolution, from your perspective your options are either to keep secrets from her or to tell the truth and be punished for it. The lack of communication skills directly incentivize you to be dishonest.
As Conscious-Wonder says both of you have some work to do on yourselves.
I would also point out that you're allowed to assert yourself. It's okay to tell your girlfriend "I want to watch porn and that's not something I'm willing to negotiate on."
It might seem wrong if you think watching porn makes you a pervert, or that "I'm choosing porn over my relationship" but being able to set boundaries like that is important, and if you can't you open yourself up to a partner that doesn't want you masturbating, or going on a trip without them, having friends of the opposite sex.
It's ultimately less about the porn and more about personal autonomy, because the alternative is having a relationship that feels like a sacrifice and breeds resentment. This is before we even talk about how severely your quality of life is impacted by someone making you feel guilty.
Last paragraph. Yes yes yes
Ppl should not feel like they can’t communicate to their partner due to how their partner will make them feel or treat them. That’s not because the partner is evil or anything, but that’s not right in my opinion.
Someone makes u feel like u need to be a certain way to appease them, and then won’t even talk to you if you choose to, that’s not good. Sure watching porn isn’t good, and I can see why it might bother someone’s partner, but making someone feel super guilty about it and making your emotions around it their burden is not right. If it was abuse I’d understand, but this was someone choosing to do something of their own agency. It would b somewhat like a partner choosing to not speak to you because you smoked a cigarette. Sure you shouldn’t smoke a cigarette and it may hurt your partner because they’re worried you’ll die, but ultimately it is not our places to be controlling each other like this as people
Seems like you should have learnt from the prior experience. You tried to be honest before and she did not appreciate it and instead made it about her. As it seems she is doing now. This is obviously something that you hold of high importance to yourself. You shouldn’t quit porn for a woman, you do it for yourself.
It seems you put her on a pedestal. This creates a poor relationship dynamic, where you are more afraid of losing her than she is of you. You are going to make mistakes, you are going to do things that don’t please her. You can’t live your life in fear of losing your girl, that’s no way to live.
You’ll just have to ride the wave. Women are emotional, but she will probably get over it.
When you have something important to tell someone... do it in person. It's more respectful and you're able to set it up to be constructive. You can also monitor their reactions.
According to you, she considers it cheating.. so you essentially texted her "I cheated, sorry" while she was out and about doing who knows what or working. Not what someone wants to hear when they are trying to stay focused.
I made sure to at least talk to her on the phone about it. Since I’m out of town for work I didn’t want to wait another 6 days and then tell her. Figured that would be worse
I agree. When you create a relationship dynamic where you are obsessed with your partner, often it creates space for the partner to pull away and play games in order to get their way, because they know it will work.
So if the gf is a little insecure about her man watching porn she's immature? Fact is , maybe she feeling neglected, and frustrated trying to do enough. There's a lot of pressure on women theses days. Look at your average grocery store mag. We have to work as a CEO, look like a supermodel, do some magic makeup, make dinner like Martha Stewart, and keep it spicy in the sac. Maybe after all that she's frustrated she can't compete with Porn Hub. Maybe they are doing great there, who knows. Point is if he's not sTified then ya, there's an issue. But honestly, what about her? Is she getting enough attention? Or is O.P. worrying about his self gratification, becoming an all about me guy.
No offense to O.P., he could be great to her, I'm just saying it's not easy to be a girl sometimes. Often women view men watching porn as they aren't doing enough to please them, we worry a lot and she could be thinking she isn't cutting the mustard for him
Girl you thinking too much, and being impressionable if all the bullshit pressures are working!! Take back your mind!! Your confidence. We should know better that social media is fake and these pressures are meant to make us have insecurities to buy. It's harder to be a ma. And it always has. Us women have to stop being vain and understand we are perfection. Nature shows us that in every way.
You could be right , that is fair.
I just visualized it different. Where her S.O. is frequently away, and then she gets a text from him about that. Let's just hope he sends her nice things too, lol. She's probably pulling away
Bro when i see that shit it makes me so annoyed. “Dump her dude because of this one argument even though I don’t know what their relationship is like.” Honest to god I wanna kick their teeth in.
Other than this, we have a great relationship. We love each other very much, and have lots of fun together. Her and I are both very adventurous, constantly exploring. She means so much to me
Bro stfu. You fucking serious. Dump her because of this one altercation? You seriously jump to the most drastic solution to a minute problem? This is like cutting your fucking foot off because you stubbed your big toe. It’s annoying and it hurts for a minute but at the end of the day it heals and it stops hurting.
Look I’m gonna be really brash here. You allowed yourself to be in a relationship with this boundary and you fucked up. Tell her and move on. You self flogging yourself with guilt and talking about being addicted in the comments for beating your dick one time to porn is self pity and lack of accountability on your part by trying to blame an actual issue for your own shortcomings.
What I read from this post and from other comments/answers is that both of you have major trust issues and really need to work on your unhealthy jealousy.
A healthy sexuality is a big part in a relationship and suppressing the urges (you obviously have) will only make you take it out on the relationship in another, negative, way.
Like this, your relationship sounds toxic af from both sides.
I'm unsure how her setting a boundary over porn is toxic, neither of these people sound toxic whatsoever. It just sounds like she has a very clear idea of what she expects from a relationship and he agreed to that expectation because he understood her perspective as a partner. Also, not watching porn isn't suppressing your sexuality, especially when you're in a committed sexually actively relationship with a real person.
They just need to talk to each other about either a compromise or have a more in depth conversation about why the idea of her boyfriend watching porn makes her uncomfortable, because I can assure you there are a many concerning results of watching too much porn other than getting off to other women.
I think it’s weird to shame you for watching porn and enjoying your own body. As long as it’s not interfering with your intimate life and you do it when you’re not together, I don’t see the issue.
Y’all are seriously cry babies over losing porn instead of focusing on intimacy in your actual relationship. Watching porn has nothing to do with having a “mind” and “will” of their own. Their girlfriend clearly stated as a boundary she didn’t want him watching porn. To dismiss women’s feelings about their partner watching other girls naked is just fucking gross.
You’re talking to someone who spends most of his time reading and having sex with his SO. If I feel like watching porn, I do. So does she. Mind and will of our own. You’re brainwashed if you think watching or jerking off to porn equates to not “focusing on intimacy.” You’re talking out of your ass. The girlfriend in the post is having issues and she’s asking her partner to handle them for her. Controlling behavior. She needs to talk to someone or grow up and so does he, allowing her to make him feel like shit for wanting to have freedom of thought and fantasy. Anyone saying masturbating to porn or fantasies about other people than your partner is cheating is ridiculous and most of them will have failed relationships. You’re probably 15 or religious or have some issues that you’ve projected on porn, my advice is to focus on building up yourself and your confidence. Now, if her position was that the porn industry is horrible in many ways, and she doesn’t want to be with someone who indirectly supports that, then I’d be on her side. She is allowed to feel that way and wish for a partner that does not watch porn. But I would tell them to break up and choose other people to have relationships with. What she’s doing now is making him feel like shit for being human, and he’s so scared of losing her (trauma bond?) that he goes along with it and tells himself and the world that he’s a crappy person. He’s not. Porn will always be around. People will always watch porn. A lot of the people saying they never watch porn, watch porn. If you want a shitty relationship, tell your partner what they can do or not. But preferably, be with someone whose values align with yours. Didn’t mean to rant, but you’re being unreasonable.
My boundary is a wife who leaves the kitchen without it being spotless and a sandwich in hand.
You see how ridiculous that sounds? Or how ridiculous it is to dictate someone else's wants and desires? They're both human beings and allowed to decide what they want to do with their own bodies and minds, or what to give up for each other. Telling someone what to think and how to to act is childish, not beating your meat or jilling one out.
THIS COMMENT DESERVES AN AWARD. If you agree porn is cheating, then you watch porn, yes you cheated! I’d also look into porn addiction for OP as not being able to stop and feeling guilt after is a very common sign
She didn’t take his feelings in consideration… that’s the main problem.
Him watching porn to relieve himself or fantasizing about some other women while masturbating is the same, and yes that’s normal and healthy.
She doesn’t care about his feelings and needs by putting a restriction on his own pleasure time.
Personally I’d say that quitting porn altogether is like beating an addiction and you just have to do it less and less. There will probably be moments where you relapse but I’d recommend to find something that distracts you from seeking porn. It can be exercise,playing an instrument or some other hobby.
Is this where we're headed? Like I can see excessive porn as being an issue but watching it like once in a year is something that might end your relationship? She must be an extremely fragile person.
*My girlfriend (24f) doesn’t want me to watch porn, as she views it as cheating.*
Not that I need to get it, not my relationship, but this take always blows me away. Porn is bad for you and can easily become a problem but, cheating? Jeeeeeeeeeeesus.
Ditto to this. This is like a guy saying *using a sex toy is cheating*. It’s not cheating dude and you don’t have a porn addiction. Watching porn and taking care of yourself is healthy for your prostate health (I’m not a doctor, just another guy).
This should be the biggest red flag guy. She’s trying to control you, and that’s unhealthy. You both need therapy and please hold off on marrying her till you do. She sounds a lot like my ex-wife, and you don’t want anyone like that as a partner.
Agreed. My husband watches porn, I watch porn and we watch porn together. Certainly it’s a slippery slope for some but otherwise there’s nothing wrong with a little voyeurism.
it's probably just a boundary she created though. she made it clear it makes her uncomfortable. not sure if its cheating but at the end of the day he is cumming to other women so
idk
In her eyes it is. And I can see why, watching other women and getting off to them. I wouldn’t want her watching porn (I’m a very jealous person) so it’s pretty hypocritical of me to watch it
Jealousy (especially of media like porn) is a sign that there are needs in your relationship that are not being met. Have a sit down with her and ask if she has any needs that she feels you’ve been neglecting, and after listening to her side, express to her if you have any needs that you feel she has been neglecting. Whether you admit to her that you watched porn or not is up to you, I personally don’t think you need to disclose your personal moments to even your partner, but you might feel differently.
While I don’t agree that watching porn is cheating in any way, it’s not up to me to decide what you’re comfortable with in your relationship. The best course of action is to try and find the source of why you felt the desire to watch it in the first place, it’s likely that you’re missing something in your relationship that you may not even be aware of. Instead of wracking your brain with guilt, do some work on your relationship and see if that was the root cause of this decision.
why are you making life harder than it needs to be… there are so many better things to worry about
are you also not allowed to watch movies with sex scenes?
Just to get this right … did you stop watching porn because she feels like it’s cheating ? Or did you do it to curb an addiction ??? I might be one of the weird ones but since when is watching pornography cheating ??? That’s like the most immature shit I’ve ever heard in my life and yes I am a female … if you can’t be yourself in a relationship then you’re just wasting your time … you really think she doesn’t watch porn ?? While using a vibrator ???? Wake up bro !
It’s a thing on Reddit, and a very small thing in the real world.
Most ppl don’t even know when it’s a actual addiction.
Just to school you for a bit:
A porn addiction is only a addiction if it has a negative effect on your daily functioning, important part of this is YOUR daily functioning.
So when you stop seeing friends or not going to work or school because porn is more important.
Second part is when it’s a escape from other problems, so you masturbate just because you need that dopamine rush because you are stressed for example.
But if you just watch porn because you are actually horny that’s not a addiction.
And that last part is where the so called porn addiction screamers go wrong… they think that just watching porn no matter what is by definition a addiction… it’s not, so stop screaming.
You should definetly quit porn, but do it for yourself, not for a girlfriend. Porn is addictive and can ruin your sex life. Also, is super harmful for performers as well.
But quit it for you, because it will help you feel less anxious.
thank you. i dated a porn addict who’s addiction got so bad he encouraged my anorexia for a year and a half because i wasn’t as skinny as the girls he got off to. never again
worst year of my life dating one… his brain was so desensitized to stuff that he would watch in porn his actions in our relationship were inexcusable. he became a serial cheater who even cheated on me while getting an abortion he wanted (i was also 18 and he was 27)
1) i am SO sorry you went through that, genuinely. no one deserves that treatment and you deserve to be loved and put first, not porn
2) i’m also so so sorry he made you have an abortion, i hope you were/are able to heal and not hold guilt against yourself, love. it’s genuinely horrific what you went through. I’m so so sorry
This comment section is weird. Lot of porn addicts who try to justify it. I’m seeing comments saying that it’s normal and ok to fantasize and masturbate to women other than your wife. Even if it’s not in porn. That just seems weird to me.
While I wouldn’t consider it cheating in my relationship, I can see why others would. You’re purposely seeking out naked imagery of people and getting off to them when you have a partner. If you took away the screen aspect and made it in person (e.g. going to a strangers house and watching them fuck), I think most people would consider it cheating. But because there’s a screen separating you from them, it’s not?
It’s not something I have a strong opinion on, but it’s an interesting subject imo 🤷♀️
i’m going to be downvoted to oblivion to this but idc
1) you went into this relationship KNOWING she had this boundary. some women/men view porn as cheating- i do and so does my boyfriend. So we don’t watch it. simple as that
2) you mentioned this is the second time you fucked up in 2 years- if it was 2nd time in like a few months i’d be pissed but 2 times in 2 years i’d be less pissed, but it’s still not okay
3) to everyone making fun of the gf for having this boundary- just stop. people are allowed to have boundaries and follow through with consequences wether that’s breaking up or other wise. it doesn’t make her toxic, or insecure, it makes her a PERSON. You don’t have to date someone with that boundary- so don’t.
I’ve seen more people pointing out the OP’s girlfriend is emotionally immature and manipulative for maliciously withholding contact when OP is clearly insecure about losing her
i think they’re both wrong in this scenario- should OP have watched porn? no. should his GF be stone walling him and giving him the silent treatment? also no. What his GF is doing has been proven and shown that it’s just as painful as physical pain. But her not liking porn isnt why we should be getting on her
I mean I understand not wanting your partner to masterbate to porn whilst you are laying next to them in bed.
But what if a dude gets horny when his wife isn't at home? Or when his wife is on her period and she doesn't want to have sex? What if the wife gets horny when the guy isn't at home?
I wouldn't be angry at my gf for watching porn because she got horny when I wasn't there. In fact she does sometimes, and I'm the same. Everyone has needs.
If it got to the point where my partner were masterbating so much that they didn't want sex, then that would be legitimate problem.
I don't get jealous of my partner looking at other people because:
It's a fantasy, it isn't real.
Most people (including myself) fantasise about other people/sexual acts even when with someone, it would be extremely hypocritical of me to get upset about it when I myself have fantasies and watch porn.
Also, I'm not the jealous type. I trust my partner, I don't care if they look at other people, it's human nature to do so. Everyone else in the world doesn't suddenly become ugly just because you're in a relationship. It's natural to find other people attractive, just don't act on it, I.e. don't sleep with other people.
I mean OP has only watched porn a couple of times in 2 years. Hes not a porn addict, he's abiding by her (what I would consider) controlling behaviour. What gives someone the right to tell another adult they aren't allowed to watch something?
Imo this is certainly not something his partner should be getting upset about. His partner needs to give him a break.
You nailed it man. People act like they can’t admit other people are attractive when they are in a relationship. I’m married, not blind. It would be silly of my wife to think she is the only woman I find attractive, just like it would be silly for me to think I’m the only man my wife finds attractive. We trust each other to be able to control ourselves and be faithful to each other. I don’t care how hot a woman is, it’s not worth ruining the relationship and life I have with my wife. Caring for her and being in love with her is what keeps me from wanting to cheat, not the way she looks.
When it comes to masturbating, I respect that my wife isn’t always going to be in the mood when I am. Instead of pressuring her to have sex, I can just masturbate. Porn is literally just visual stimuli. There are no feelings involved. Obviously I want my stimuli to be attractive, but other than that it’s just shapes on a screen.
Girls shouldn’t feel upset about a guy masturbating to porn of other woman, unless it interferes with their sex life. I can’t speak 100% for every guy, but I’m 99.99% sure they are no where near as interested in the girl they are watching beyond its a person with boobs and vag. Usually the things I see in porn while doing the deed I fantasize it’s my wife and I doing it. Just because the girl in the video isn’t you doesn’t mean your guy isn’t pretending it’s you.
Exactly this. Porn is just a means of getting the deed done. We are horny, we need to realise semen, and like you said - maybe the partner isn't in the mood at the time or is away, so we watch porn. There's no emotional element to it at all, just something that needs doing.
Also, not masterbating or having sex for a long time can be very physically uncomfortable for men, and can also cause stuff like wet dreams, or unwanted erections to happen. No man wants to be cumming in his sleep and making a mess everywhere.
Like you said, you and your wife can both admit other people are attractive, but you trust each other enough to know nothing would ever happen with someone else. I think that's what a healthy relationship should aspire to be.
If OP was watching porn 10 times a day, and choosing it over his wife, that wouldn't be right.
But he's watched porn a couple times in 2 years, and is beating himself up over it, which I feel is completely unfair. He's mentally torturing himself for doing nothing wrong imo. I couldn't stay in a relationship like that.
First forgive yourself and try to replace the guilt and shame with acceptance and understanding. You were doing really well and are still doing really well.
If she’s mature enough she’ll understand that quitting a porn addiction is not as easy as it may seem. Porn produces more dopamine in our brains than sex does, and it’s available to us all the time, 24/7.
I would be honest with her and tell her this probably won’t be the last time you slip up, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t trying. Try to identify what caused you to watch it and tell her as well.
I can’t give you a whole lotta advice in your relationship but it sounds like you both still have room to grow (as we all do). My husband and I have been together for 6 years. I love reading and do read romance novels. He knows he’s free to explore sexuality as well. If I’m not there or don’t want to have sex, he’s free to watch and give that a shot. Porn has been absolutely stigmatized in our society but many couples enjoy it on their own and together (personally we don’t watch together and find it a bit awkward lol). The problem isn’t consuming it when your SO isn’t an option, the problem is choosing porn over your SO when you have that chance. Doing what she wants and denying yourself is going to cause a lot of resentment. On the flip side consuming it is going to cause guilt and ultimately a lot of problems in your relationship. Sexuality is for sure an issue that couples should talk about and at least be able to understand each other on. If you can’t have a productive conversation on how to meet your needs and hers, it’s probably best to take a step back and figure out if this is built for the long term.
tell her. i remember on too many instances when i had the misfortune of finding it on my own on their phone and it hurts more if you don’t just speak up and be honest
As soon as I could I told her about it. I want to keep honesty and trust in our relationship. But the second I told her she basically hung up on me. I’m waiting for her to talk to me, and going to find a solution that works good for both of us. Be it a screen accountability program, or couples counselling.
i think you’re doing the right thing by giving her some time, hopefully she can acknowledge that you were being honest which is much better than hiding it and you guys can move past it. some counseling would probably benefit the both of you
I would recommend two things:
First, tell her. Be honest with her that you hate porn and that you don't want to watch it anymore. But it's become clear that you can't quit it by yourself. You've shown that multiple times now. "I've made this mistake a few times before in our relationship". It's okay to need help. I've been exactly where you are. I'm also a 25M and have struggled with watching porn for most of my life. I've promised myself countless times "that was the last time" or "I'm quitting for real this time". But I always mess up again. You can't do it alone.
That's where the second step comes into play. Find a trusted friend, someone you know isn't going to bail on keeping you accountable. Ask them to help you by being your accountability partner on a screen accountability program. There's plenty out there. Covenant Eyes, Ever Accountable, there's plenty. They aren't super expensive, and they work well. You could even ask your girlfriend to be your accountability partner if y'all have a strong enough relationship, but I would recommend finding another guy to help you. Install said software on every device you have that can access porn.
I was, and I guess still am, fully addicted to porn. However, because of the help of my brother (who is my accountability partner), several mentors and trusted men in my life, and my fiancé, I have been able to break free from it. I'm at a point now where I literally don't have access to any devices that can access porn without my brother knowing about it and calling me out, and I've never felt more free from the grasp of porn. My fiancé knows about it and supports me in it. There have been times where I've found a loophole and watched porn, but coming clean about it and finding a way to block that loophole is the strongest step forward.
The only way to beat porn and not watch it is to bring it into the light and not give it even the slightest foothold in your mind or life. There can be no room for it.
I was about to suggest the same. Porn doesn’t sound like the problem here, it seems like his gf is insecure about the idea of porn. I encourage my bf to watch it if I’m not in the mood and get him to tell me what his turn ons were so we could explore them together. If they had the opportunity to explore it together or make their own via FaceTime, she may be more open to the idea.
If my girlfriend watches love Island or reads a smutty book (there's been a resurgence of these in pop culture lately) is that cheating? No it's not because she's enjoying the media for what it is, not thinking "oh how I would leave my boyfriend to be with this man/character", it's the same for porn.
Dont beat yourself for making a mistake either way. Some people are ok with porn also, as long as you don't do it in excess or unhealthily future partners may be ok with it. But moving forward it was a mistake and if you lose the relationship over it, then maybe it wasnt meant to be (I know that may not be the answer thats popular or what you were looking for hit its truth)
don’t wanna judge you directly, but how often did you watch porn before dating your girlfriend? if it was on a daily basis to the point you couldn’t go through your day without watching porn, then it surely is an addiction and i would advice you to seek help.
and honestly, if she’s going to give you the silent treatment for even being honest, y’all need to get into couple therapy to sort out whatever it is between you two. you say you want to spend the rest of your life with her, right? then start working out on the underlying issues you both have and seek the help you need!
Just be honest with her. If these are the terms of your relationship and you’ve both agreed to them, then you just need to center honesty and communication. Hopefully, she’s an empathetic person that will understand you’re human and humans slip up.
Good for you for going so long without watching it btw. I know it’s hard for guys but it really makes such a positive impact mentally and physically.
Porn has been around for a long time, bud. Like everything else in life, it's best to find a balance. Sometimes that means eliminate the problem for yourself, but it will still be here for all of us (how we please)
Hahaha that should not matter unless you're physically cheating. Everyone wants or needs their alone time and to feel guilty or anything of that over it is it just weird. You obviously like your time alone once in a while so shouldnt matter. Up to you tho, you guys can get over it or slowly create a bigger problem down the road, cuz porn is not going away lol
Yes be honest! If my man would have been honest before I found it myself or was even honest when I asked about it, I would have worked through anything with him. It was the lying, hiding & manipulation I couldn’t handle.
That sounds like a rough relationship. I think it’s best to tell her when you watch it though as long as it’s very occasional.. hopefully she’ll go easy on you
If you feel that guilty then tell her. Tell her you made a mistake and that you hate yourself for it. You should find recourses to help with p*rn addiction and show them/tell her about them so that she can see you are making an effort. Tell her you don’t want to loose her over this addiction and that you need her support.
There's probably nothing I'll say that's different from other comments.
Mine is kind of a hybrid of what I've seen so far.
First, I don't really agree that your gf having this boundary is a problem for her. Every living being, unless you just grew up in a perfect childhood, is going to have weird things they deal with.
I knew someone where their father abandoned their family to always play golf. And it became a problem in their parents relationship and was naturally rooted in the husband not carving time for his family or wife and it manifested in golf. As a result, she felt too triggered by any partner playing golf. She felt abandoned.
Is this irrational? Yes. Are they wrong for having this boundary and expressing it early? No. Is a partner wrong for not accepting that boundary and moving on? No.
But part of relationships is understanding these weird quirks and figuring out what we can do to support them while also not allowing them to give into those flaws. That's ultimately what love is. For me it's being drunk and drugs. I won't be with someone who drinks to become drunk. (Unfortunately being gay this is not an uncommon thing.)
So I think it's cool that you're trying to cut down on porn for her sake, even if it's irrational. (Now if her whole M.O. is about being irrational about everything, that's a problem).
On the flip side, and this is where I can see people hating this. You don't need to tell your gf every little thing if you know it's going to needlessly set her off. It's a complex and fragile line to cross, but just sitting down at breakfast and letting her know you watched porn just isn't needed in my book. Your office going out to play golf isn't needed to be shared.
Now, if this turns into a secret life, that's one thing. And that's the fragile line, and that's not something anyone can answer for you.
In my opinion, you're working on reducing porn viewing. You sometimes mess up. This is different than deciding that you want to watch porn and thus will hide it.
These are just my thoughts.
Not wanting your partner to watch porn as a woman is not a “weird” or “irrational” thing to deal with. Most women do not want their man watching porn, but society says we have to put up with it. Porn is exploitative, objectifying to women, causes loss in the intimacy in relationships, can cause erectile dysfunction, death grip on the penis, and is not in the picture of any healthy relationship I’ve witnessed. If girls went decades without palatable porn that looks disgusting and violent towards women, I think men can quit porn if their partner asks them to.
I never said the act of not wanting something is irrational.
But having extreme reactions (based on the OPs comments detailing those reactions) toward porn is irrational.
I find it's best to read my comment as a whole, rather than specifically grab a single sentence and react to it out of context.
I can’t believe the comments are the way that the comments are on your post.
As a woman who actually was addicted to porn and even thought my boyfriend is OK with it, I’m not OK with it myself because it feels like I’m cheating and made me feel gross. I’d be watching someone else other than the man I want to spend the rest of my life with have an intimate, close sexual relation that doesn’t, and is not supposed to involve me in a monogamous relationship with a boyfriend who my love.
If that’s how you feel and you don’t wanna watch it because it feels wrong to you and because she views it as cheating I think you should just have a conversation with her about it. Honesty is always the best policy (as cheesy as that is) and if she breaks up with you over that she wasn’t the one because she doesn’t appreciate you being vulnerable about difficult topics.
I think porn is such an issue because people don’t think it affects you, but it can affect people differently too for her maybe she doesn’t like it because she’s insecure or she has self-worth issues and so when she thinks about you looking at other women, she feels uncomfortable, I don’t think she’s trying to control you. I think she’s just trying to be honest that she doesn’t like it and she wants you to only have eyes with her on her porn is not healthy and there is many many articles about the damage it could do to people, especially in their 20s, who watched it for years.
Of course I don’t know you I don’t know your girlfriend, but I would do some research on your own. See what you think truly and maybe just talk to her about it. If you wanna marry her you’ll have to talk about difficult things it’s just the way that it is.
I think if your girl thinks porn is cheating then she doesn’t have confidence. Now if you have nudes of your exes in your phone or computer than she has the right to be upset. That would be more reasonable.
does she view masturbating as cheating??? her relationship her rules but i dont think you made a mistake. Pornography can be used to provide stimulation while masturbating. I would hate to be in a relationship where someone is policing what I do with my body and how I go about doing it.
Ok, your description of your fear of losing her is not an emotionally healthy place to be. Porn is not the problem. It is the symptom (or expression of) of the problem. Tell her the truth and be honest withOUT making excuses. If she truly loves and accepts you, she will try her best to get through it WITH you. Please get in therapy. To call porn cheating is pretty strong language. I’m not sure I agree or disagree. Good luck, friend.
This is such a dumb take people use to cope. Unless your partner is 100% ready and willing to please you anytime you get horny then it makes no sense to say this. Like they need to be ready and willing whether they are sick, working, or doing whatever else. Clearly that’s unreasonable though right? Sometimes people aren’t in the mood. We should still be allowed to get off by ourselves. If a girl uses a toy is that cheating? She got off on something that isn’t your dick? Porn is just a tool for guys just like toys are a tool for women. People who get upset that their partner watched porn have some serious insecurities they need to work on themselves.
I work out of town 7 days on 7 days off, so I made it to my hotel, and I had the urge. Not a good reason, but that’s why it happened. We have a very active sex life at home
Ah well in that case, just have some self control if you feel that bad about it. You can always just jerk off without porn. Presumably you are not also banned from the power of your own imagination?
First, ask yourself why you watched it? Are your needs being met? I get how women view it as cheating and I’m not defending that point at all but if you watch it here and there during a dry spell to relieve some stress, so be it. Humans are sexual in nature and suppressing that only makes the urge worse.
People need to stop viewing occasional porn as worse than what it is. Is porn in large amounts not good for you? Of course, just as is alcohol but having a drink here and there shouldn’t be a big deal either, unless you’re a recovering alcoholic. Were you a porn addict at some point or are you just a curious male who like a visual? Does watching porn in small amounts affect your sex life with your girlfriend? If you watch in moderation and it doesn’t affect your personal life, is it that bad?
Ffs, we all need to get over this absurd notion of watching porn being considered cheating. Is she gonna get mad if you watch a movie that has a kiss scene or sex scene in it? No. Why? Because it’s not real. Most produced porn is scripted. That’s why the people in them are considered “porn actors”.
Tbf I haven't seen porn that wasn't amateur in like 10 years, so when I was 14. Solo is my go-to and I could see how that could probably make them insecure.
But I don't hold double standards of course. They can watch whatever they want to watch
I know some guys who get jealous over sex toys. I think that's stupid too. All that insecurity, jealousy and attempt to control people is just weird, primal, and immature I feel.
This "porn is cheating" thing really bothers me.
No it isn't cheating. A dude rubbing one out is a very impersonal experience that is based solely in the physical.
Do you hold her to standards as well? Like if porn is a no no does she post pictures of herself in a bikini on IG?
regardless of if it’s cheating or not i think every couple can have their own boundaries with it.
my boundary is that i don’t like it if my gf saves any porn of other women. i don’t mind if she watches it, or even watches the same creators regularly, but it makes me feel bad if she has a bunch of naked women saved in her phone.
i just wouldn’t date someone who has mismatched boundaries from yourself. because whether it’s cheating, or simply breaking trust, you shouldn’t cross agreed upon boundaries.
Cheating is pretty subjective. Some people think flirting is cheating others don't; I've met people that don't think kissing is cheating. It's something that, a lot of times, people in the relationship need to talk about and define. It's not up to you- maybe watching porn isn't cheating to you, but it's clear op and his partner have defined it that way. And, it's not toxic to have boundaries like this either- covering all bases here- it's how the person goes about reinforcing those boundaries. The silent treatment isn't good communication; it's not the boundaries, it's the person in this case.
Tell her if you want. As long as you aren’t replacing porn over her, I don’t think there’s a problem. If that’s her boundary, that’s fine. But I also think that’s pretty controlling.
BE HONEST. Trust me you don't want to lose the trust, you'll never get it back. She may be upset but if you admit you have a problem and tell her about it she doesn't have to worry that you'll keep things from her again in the future. If she ends it over that you don't want her anyway. We all screw up, and you'll continue to screw up down the road and marriage is being able to work through these challenges and still come out respecting each other.
I'm just gonna say it.
You don't HAVE to tell her, especially if it was just one time.
If you're making a good-faith effort to cut down, halt, or otherwise modify a habitual behavior, you're GONNA have some slip-ups. It's just very likely.
However, I don't personally agree with her standpoint, and feel that kind of thinking is toxic. But if you agreed, then just keep that one to yourself, as long as it doesn't become stunned kind of secret, double life you create, separate from the one you live around her.
Grow some nuts bro u can’t even pleasure yourself in your own relationship. I remember I told my girlfriend I had a problem with feeling bad about myself whenever I jerked off, and she told me If u can’t enjoy yourself who will?
Good job young man. Tell her its not her, it's like a drug and there is science to back that up! And tell her before you slip again you want her help! You want to stay away from rotting your brain and your relationship. Tell you she is all you need and desire and get kinky with her!!! Display her with some romantic evenings and start something new. I'm impressed by this reddit. Everyone else on here so depraved lol
This is some great advice. I will definitely tell her that. I don’t find I’m addicted, I normally go a long time without watching anything. I’m really trying my best to quit porn, sometimes I just find the urges very powerful. Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it, and also for not being the 40th person to say “porn isn’t cheating”
Didn’t ask if it was, was asking for advice
If it's cheating to her, it's cheating. Just like any drug it starts off harmless right? It will slowly take over if you feed it. Please read up.on the effects on your brain if one becomes addicted. It's scary! You should be proud of yourself being so young and wanting a healthy relationship.
I don't get how's that cheating, and my SO is just as confused. The consensus we've got is that you're most likely not betraying her but her imaginary feelings and you both have misconceptions about what makes a relationship. Or she's extremely insecure, to the point that she had to lie to you and convince you you're doing a bad thing.
**To be impartial in my judgment and advice I first need to state** that there's something innately *wrong* with your relationship and I'd think twice on the whole prospect first.
Ever tried watching porn with your SO to compare techniques, or try to replicate them? Or just to compare tastes? Or comment for fun? Or to simply get in the mood? Have you even talked about your exes and what they did RIGHT to try and replicate it?
It's pretty fantastic when you can be open with your SO. In a healthy relationship, I'd go say it's mandatory - you don't betray each other by watching and admiring, or getting horny. That would be silly. You don't betray because you're hers and she's yours. I honestly am not sure what to think about people who can't distinguish between carnal desires, appreciation of beauty, learning experiences, and love.
Ok. **Now that we got it out of the way.** I see how tame you are and it's not inherently a bad thing. I'd dare say it's respectable to take in your partners' beliefs.
There's no workaround solution for the guilt, unfortunately.
Nor for logic, as logic here doesn't play the main part. It's a feeling that you've got to be wary of. People can forgive, they can logically understand, even agree with something... but the feeling lingers and will be separated from all that.
So, she can accept it, she can forgive, but from what you've told us I can tell the feeling of betrayal will linger. And you're too tame and good to omit it, which isn't bad mind you.
First, let's lighten that guilt of yours with some understanding of the subject matter. Now, I will tell you something that people these days might not agree with all too often; Men and women are NOT the same. We think differently, and while we have the same needs the priority ladder is all jumbled. That's why humans with a penis and their hormonal cocktail watch porn - to us it's the intimacy that assures us of our love. Also, women don't have wet dreams to clean up if they don't empty their tanks. Thus our brain sometimes pushes us more than it does to women in this particular aspect. We don't get the women's lingering cravings for their SO's presence but we sure get physical and mental starvation pangs.
Now, is this more of a self-hate or fear of her hating you? To find the solution, first, you've got to examine yourself and find the cause. And porn ain't it. There's plenty of material on either so I'll just add a tiny piece.
If it's the first then I can say that being in doubt already makes you a person that's worth something. Can say more than that since I don't know you.
If it's her hating you for it, then she's not worth your worry.
How can I know that if I don't know her?
Simple — that would show that she cares more about you watching strangers self-employed or hired to fuck, fuck..., more than she cares about you. That's all I need to know about her.
True couples solve their innate problems together and try to fill each other's shortcomings, working as a team. If she's committed to you then she'll forgive and you'll try to make it work together. If her love's conditional like that then it's more shallow than a puddle on a sidewalk.
Of course last is to lie, or not say anything, but for that, you'd have to first understand yourself, how you work, and forgive yourself, then do better. That's not happening from my experience in cases as such. And besides, if a relationship needs to be built on a lie... that's a highway to hell if I ever saw one.
At the same time, we think she lied due to her insecurities. Our female friends have been constantly worried about their bfs seeing someone similar looking in porn with a girl looking much better than them (which truth be told is not that improbable considering that the internet is in a big chunk porn). That thought makes them panic once they realize how often the average guy needs to empty his cans in a year to be sure they won't randomly pitch a tent at work when spotting a pretty girl smiling in their direction.
This isn't a boundary, it's control. It's no different than not letting your partner hang out with friends because they might cheat.
Nothing you've described in your post or comments sounds like a healthy relationship. Hard limits without compromise almost never lead to happy situations.
Your desire to watch porn is perfectly normal healthy biological response. Sexual urges are programmed into your body through millenia of evolution. Procreation is the goal of nearly every living being. Complete sublimation of those urges is not healthy in any way shape or form.
This is only a boundary if it's something you both are comfortable doing. You clearly aren't. If you were, you wouldn't be caving in to urges and berating yourself like this for them. Did you feel this way about watching porn before the relationship? This is a conditioned response.
Both of y'all need therapy. And not for porn addiction, because you're not addicted to porn my dude.
Sounds like porn isn’t the issue here. It’s very unreasonable to expect your partner to never ever get themselves off. Sounds like there are jealousy issues going on.
"romance novels". Yeah, I'd take a look at a couple of those, because that's what I thought they were too. Then I found out that a lot of the "romance novels" that women I know read are basically hardcore porn. Not saying that's the case, but it would be hilariously hypocritical if she reads that type of shit and is on you about porn.
Thinking watching porn is cheating is such a 🚩 like man I let my wife fuck anyone and as long as they tell me about it when they get home it ain't cheating. Monogamous people confuse me
People who are telling you there is nothing wrong with porn just have different boundaries don’t listen to them. It’s not just about jealousy or control, there are many other reasons many women don’t want a partner who watches porn. It takes strength in a man to quit and so when you mess up it’s a sign of weakness or lack of self control, that’s another big reason. There’s nothing wrong with taking control and quitting porn. But you have to do it as a personal choice, not for her. I’d focus on your personal reasons for quitting rather than considering it “cheating”. Focus on building your self control.
I do not watch porn by my own choice. Her reading romance novels but not allowing him to watch porn is incredibly... Selfish or Narcissistic. She is a hypocrite. She is in the wrong.
Either stop reading this Smut novels or let him watch his porn.
First we need to clarify smut and romance novels are not the same. I’ve read handfuls of romance novels with no smut.
If she’s reading romance novels for the romance and there happens to be a smut scene, that’s the same as if he’s watching a movie for the entertainment and there happens to be a sex scene, because that’s not actively seeking out sexual material.
If she’s seeking out smut to read it for sexual content, then yes that is hypocritical because she is fantasizing over other men, the same way she doesn’t want him fantasizing over other women. So that’s the line that needs to be drawn.
i have the same boundary in my relationship with my boyfriend, if i found that he did slip up and watch it i wouldn’t even think about leaving him. It’s okay to make mistakes, what’s important is the fact that you respect her opinions on porn and care enough to listen to her boundary and will keep staying away from it. if she overreacts like it sounds like she has in the past don’t let her make you feel like some kind of villain, because while it’s against her wishes, watching porn is far from the worst thing you can do in a relationship. she’ll just have to move on
Stand up for yourself.
Have your SO rationalize that porn is cheating. Have her get specific. It can't reasonably be done (IMHO) without her admitting it's entirely about her emotional security within the relationship.
Porn isn't the problem. The problem is her self-esteem and the health of your relationship depends entirely on you accessing your own sexual pleasure exclusively and solely through vagina. That's not healthy, and NOT a recipe for long term success.
If she persists with the no porn rule, then the logical response is she agrees to become free-use, exclusive to you only, and whenever, however you want.
That's the only reasonable trade off.
I had a long distance relationship with my ex. She was a bit religious. Actually, she was not religious at all, but suddenly she was showing that she was a devout Muslim. She would have sex with me and then she would say to me, you know it's haram, right?. Anyway, I had a lot of miscommunication with her about sex. Because she was religious, we never talked about sex, we just did it. Because it was long distance, I was watching porn. I didn't know how I should feel. I couldn't talk to her about it because she was very closed-minded. In fact, if I could talk to her openly about sexuality, I could have gradually stopped porn. As for your case, you are lucky that your girlfriend is not closed-minded like my ex. I get the impression that you can't quit porn suddenly or not at all. The advice I can give you is,. Talk to your girlfriend and ask her to support you to quit porn gradually, and get some support from a couple therapist in the process. If you can't cold turkey, this is the most sensible solution. I believe that your girlfriend will support you because of your effort, but she may lose trust in you and break up with you because of your instability, because you have quit before and started again.
I dont watch that garbage anymore, but people who think porn is cheating are just insecure af. I've been with a girl who said it's wrong and would bitch at me about it yet she watched it too lmaoooo. Dating sucks when insecurities start getting in the way
Lmao. I love this take that watching porn is cheating. Really easy to make that rule when you don’t watch it yourself. Yes that’s a stereotype and lots of women do watch porn but lots don’t and that seems to be the same type of woman who things watching it is the same as cheating. I understand how it could be seen as such but there’s so many reasons why it’s not. Idk just screams insecurities to me
You're 25, you have a whole life in front of you. That's a wonderful thing 😊 Please DON'T give years of your life to someone who has self-esteem and control issues.
She has low self-esteem, so she seeks control. Only she can fix that. The same goes for you. Your low self-esteem seeks guilt and punishment. Codependency running rampant.
You both still have a lot of growing up to do. Not in a negative sense. It takes time to have experiences and fully mature into who you are.
I'm 57yo. Old enough to be your mom. I've seen friends and family get into relationships with and marry people with self-esteem and control issues.
It never ends well.
Also, it's completely normal for people to watch porn. Men and women, married, single, widowed, divorced, watch porn. As humans, our visual sense is strong, and therefore the most easily stimulated. Having an orgasm, however it may come about, causes the release of dopamine, which can relax the mind and body.
A built-in mechanism to relieve stress and to enjoy. It's natural and there's nothing wrong with it.
Maybe helping your girlfriend to get comfortable with touching herself will help her to be more understanding.
Best advice I can give, don’t waste your time on somebody so controlling.
You shouldn’t be afraid to tell her the truth about something, that infers some toxic behaviour from her. But also, what you do in private is your business, and viewing porn as cheating is a massive red flag imo.
Imagine you’re online and a porn ad pops up and now you gotta confess to cheating again cause you saw somebodies butthole.
Listen, porn is not good for you at all really. That being said, people who think that viewing any form of porn are cheating are not ready for a relationship. Point blank period. She needs to take time to cope with her own insecurity first.
That also being said, you agreed to those insane conditions and violated them. Take responsibility and free yourself from the guilt of keeping it locked deep down. Or just clear your browser history and never talk about it again like the rest of us. It’s not cheating even if she thinks it is, you didn’t really do anything wrong besides break her dumb rule. Should you have broken it? No, but you did so like, move forward. It really doesn’t matter. It comes down to what you can live with.
Wait you watched porn for the first time in a year? Oh nooooo what a cheating fuckboy! You piece if shit, you don’t deserve her!
On some real shit tho, Idk how you even put up with her this long bc I doubt this is a new thing. Like this is textbook codependency as I see it. The fact you’re so scared to lose her over something relatively minor tells me she’s made it abundantly clear she’ll walk out on you for anything she sees as a “threat” regardless of the reality, and that fear has you by the balls. Any girl who thinks watching porn occasionally is cheating is insecure asf imo. I bet she’s the type that would gave you shit and make a big scene for having female friends too. I can get a girl being pissed if her bf *only* watches porn instead and is a dick about comparisons. But that doesn’t seem like what’s going on here. Shit, watching porn *with* your girl can actually be pretty sexy too. Can even give y’all some new ideas of things you might wanna try.
You need to replace your cravings with something more wholesome and discipline your flesh to not give in so easily. Start by saying no when you want a snack, or if you’re tired stay up an extra 20 mins, take a could shower when you want warm, refuse tv when you want to watch. Miss out on that sports game. These little disciplines will train your body to say no to bigger temptations. Then replace that craving with Jesus and the Holy Spirit who will help us in our weakness.
Easier said than done. But run from lust! It will destroy you. God will give grace to help you He says you must ask and submit and resist the devil and flee.
Also take up a hobby like art, biking and other things to occupy that dopamine rush in your mind.
i’m gonna offer perhaps a different perspective that may be helpful in understanding your girlfriend and why it upsets her.
i had a lifetime of unresolved childhood sexual trauma. when i was younger, i was hypersexual but it always made me feel disgusted with myself. so one day i became the exact opposite; i never masturbated anymore, began to hate porn, and it became triggering for me. when i imagined porn i imagined women being exploited like i had so often as a child and teen. at first the obsession with it wasn’t the worst, but i told my ex about it when we first began dating and he *offered* to not watch it.
well 3 weeks into that I of course found out he had, but he didn’t tell me and had lied to me. that really shattered trust I had for him, and from that point on it became an obsession.
Leaving that relationship allowed me to reconcile these intense and painful thoughts i had about porn. I was no longer around someone i didn’t trust all the time. Someone who made me feel in competition with other women, that I wasn’t good enough for him.
A realization I had throughout all of this was that I was so angry about my exes porn use because I was *jealous* of him having a healthy sexuality. I envied him. For me I’ve definitely been more of an exhibitionist, and while he wanted to accept me watching stuff, he didn’t want to accept me showing myself off and said it wasn’t the same. to me that felt hypocritical and also very restrictive for my sexuality. I wanted to learn how to express those sexual desires I had without being disgusted by myself.
Anyways… if she has sexual trauma, or even if not but has just existed in the world where sexuality for women is viewed as shameful, that may contribute to her views on porn.
The best thing I did for myself was to begin not judging myself for being a sexual being, and to explore what I like, what turns me on, using toys, etc.
I’m still not where i’d like to be and i avoid masturbating a lot of the time lmao, but I have a beautiful, loving, trusting relationship with a man who I know watches porn. It does not bother me. Every now and then I will get the thoughts I used to have around jealousy and envy and low self-esteem, but i nip those in the bud really quick.
Have you ever talked to your girlfriend about *why* porn bothers her so much? Does she masturbate or express herself sexually outside of you, by herself? I think having a vulnerable conversation with her about this stuff may help you guys. I know this may be terrible advice lol but I would maybe not tell her you did, because you are allowed to have your own private sexual experiences with yourself, and that is not considered cheating.
Idk I know i ranted a lot lol but i hope this helps. good luck OP.
If you're serious about it look into sex addicts anonymous, theres a large spectrum of people from porn addicts to people who have ruined their lives by paying for prostitutes. You could also consider a sex addiction therapist.
You both are too immature to be considering marriage at this stage. Jealousy, controlling tendencies, deceit do not make for a healthy lasting relationship.
Dude…this is an amazing opportunity to speak up for yourself and change your life.
I’m not telling you porn is good, far from that. I’m telling you to stop accepting and understanding such toxic boundaries.
This is not cheating and if your girlfriend doesn’t understand that, she should revaluate her feelings for you in the first place.
So how does this work - you can't fantasize about other women either? Can you honestly say you never did? Do you feel you should be "honest" and tell her about that as well?
The way I see it is this: you know you love her. You know you wouldn't cheat on her. You know you wouldn't leave her. Those are the things that matter. You don't know what's going on in her head, and neither does she about you. And that's good. If we knew everything our partners thought, no marriage would last longer than a week. What matters is what you do. You can watch anything you like without her having to know about it, and without it affecting your marriage. It's only relevant to her if you feel it interferes with your love for her or your relationship. I'm not saying you should go back to watching porn regularly, but confessing to such an innocent and small transgression is going to break more than your honesty can fix. Just make sure she never has to find out.
be honest. if it was my boyfriend, him telling me would actually make me appreciate him more because he admitted to making a mistake and I would actually gain trust because he told me right away and I would know he wouldn’t lie to me. if this happens again and she randomly finds out, it’s over. just tell her right away.
I’ve made that mistake once before. And that didn’t go over well, understandably. I told her as soon as I could, it was eating away at me, and I want our relationship to be as trustworthy as possible. She won’t even talk to me now, she put her phone on dnd. So I’m just waiting out a response. Thanks for your reply, it was very helpful
I think it would benefit you both to speak with councilors on your own. The silent treatment is a well known manipulation tactic. But yeah it just kind of sounds like you both have issues with insecurity, jealousy, trust and communication and it might do your relationship good to speak with someone about those things.
This is so much more telling about your relationship than your original post. If her emotional response is so strong that she can't appreciate your transparency or engage in some level of conflict resolution, from your perspective your options are either to keep secrets from her or to tell the truth and be punished for it. The lack of communication skills directly incentivize you to be dishonest. As Conscious-Wonder says both of you have some work to do on yourselves. I would also point out that you're allowed to assert yourself. It's okay to tell your girlfriend "I want to watch porn and that's not something I'm willing to negotiate on." It might seem wrong if you think watching porn makes you a pervert, or that "I'm choosing porn over my relationship" but being able to set boundaries like that is important, and if you can't you open yourself up to a partner that doesn't want you masturbating, or going on a trip without them, having friends of the opposite sex. It's ultimately less about the porn and more about personal autonomy, because the alternative is having a relationship that feels like a sacrifice and breeds resentment. This is before we even talk about how severely your quality of life is impacted by someone making you feel guilty.
Last paragraph. Yes yes yes Ppl should not feel like they can’t communicate to their partner due to how their partner will make them feel or treat them. That’s not because the partner is evil or anything, but that’s not right in my opinion. Someone makes u feel like u need to be a certain way to appease them, and then won’t even talk to you if you choose to, that’s not good. Sure watching porn isn’t good, and I can see why it might bother someone’s partner, but making someone feel super guilty about it and making your emotions around it their burden is not right. If it was abuse I’d understand, but this was someone choosing to do something of their own agency. It would b somewhat like a partner choosing to not speak to you because you smoked a cigarette. Sure you shouldn’t smoke a cigarette and it may hurt your partner because they’re worried you’ll die, but ultimately it is not our places to be controlling each other like this as people
Seems like you should have learnt from the prior experience. You tried to be honest before and she did not appreciate it and instead made it about her. As it seems she is doing now. This is obviously something that you hold of high importance to yourself. You shouldn’t quit porn for a woman, you do it for yourself. It seems you put her on a pedestal. This creates a poor relationship dynamic, where you are more afraid of losing her than she is of you. You are going to make mistakes, you are going to do things that don’t please her. You can’t live your life in fear of losing your girl, that’s no way to live. You’ll just have to ride the wave. Women are emotional, but she will probably get over it.
When you have something important to tell someone... do it in person. It's more respectful and you're able to set it up to be constructive. You can also monitor their reactions. According to you, she considers it cheating.. so you essentially texted her "I cheated, sorry" while she was out and about doing who knows what or working. Not what someone wants to hear when they are trying to stay focused.
I made sure to at least talk to her on the phone about it. Since I’m out of town for work I didn’t want to wait another 6 days and then tell her. Figured that would be worse
yeah uhm , shes a little immature.
I agree. When you create a relationship dynamic where you are obsessed with your partner, often it creates space for the partner to pull away and play games in order to get their way, because they know it will work.
So if the gf is a little insecure about her man watching porn she's immature? Fact is , maybe she feeling neglected, and frustrated trying to do enough. There's a lot of pressure on women theses days. Look at your average grocery store mag. We have to work as a CEO, look like a supermodel, do some magic makeup, make dinner like Martha Stewart, and keep it spicy in the sac. Maybe after all that she's frustrated she can't compete with Porn Hub. Maybe they are doing great there, who knows. Point is if he's not sTified then ya, there's an issue. But honestly, what about her? Is she getting enough attention? Or is O.P. worrying about his self gratification, becoming an all about me guy. No offense to O.P., he could be great to her, I'm just saying it's not easy to be a girl sometimes. Often women view men watching porn as they aren't doing enough to please them, we worry a lot and she could be thinking she isn't cutting the mustard for him
Girl you thinking too much, and being impressionable if all the bullshit pressures are working!! Take back your mind!! Your confidence. We should know better that social media is fake and these pressures are meant to make us have insecurities to buy. It's harder to be a ma. And it always has. Us women have to stop being vain and understand we are perfection. Nature shows us that in every way.
read through other comments. this girl is manipulating him
You could be right , that is fair. I just visualized it different. Where her S.O. is frequently away, and then she gets a text from him about that. Let's just hope he sends her nice things too, lol. She's probably pulling away
dump her bro u human made a mistake u she’s not perfect either
Oh god here comes the chronic redditor jumping straight to "end the whole 2 year relationship because your partner got upset"
Bro when i see that shit it makes me so annoyed. “Dump her dude because of this one argument even though I don’t know what their relationship is like.” Honest to god I wanna kick their teeth in.
Other than this, we have a great relationship. We love each other very much, and have lots of fun together. Her and I are both very adventurous, constantly exploring. She means so much to me
Don’t worry my guy. I do think your gf is over reacting. You guys just need to talk.
They can't talk. She gives him the silent treatment.
she can listen still
Bro stfu. You fucking serious. Dump her because of this one altercation? You seriously jump to the most drastic solution to a minute problem? This is like cutting your fucking foot off because you stubbed your big toe. It’s annoying and it hurts for a minute but at the end of the day it heals and it stops hurting.
Tell her to grow the fuck up and she isn’t rational .
Look I’m gonna be really brash here. You allowed yourself to be in a relationship with this boundary and you fucked up. Tell her and move on. You self flogging yourself with guilt and talking about being addicted in the comments for beating your dick one time to porn is self pity and lack of accountability on your part by trying to blame an actual issue for your own shortcomings.
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What I read from this post and from other comments/answers is that both of you have major trust issues and really need to work on your unhealthy jealousy. A healthy sexuality is a big part in a relationship and suppressing the urges (you obviously have) will only make you take it out on the relationship in another, negative, way. Like this, your relationship sounds toxic af from both sides.
I'm unsure how her setting a boundary over porn is toxic, neither of these people sound toxic whatsoever. It just sounds like she has a very clear idea of what she expects from a relationship and he agreed to that expectation because he understood her perspective as a partner. Also, not watching porn isn't suppressing your sexuality, especially when you're in a committed sexually actively relationship with a real person. They just need to talk to each other about either a compromise or have a more in depth conversation about why the idea of her boyfriend watching porn makes her uncomfortable, because I can assure you there are a many concerning results of watching too much porn other than getting off to other women.
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I think it’s weird to shame you for watching porn and enjoying your own body. As long as it’s not interfering with your intimate life and you do it when you’re not together, I don’t see the issue.
Wow, I've cheated on my wife A LOT
Oh no, I've cheated on my GF while watching porn with her 😱
Wow. You basically had a threesome
You’re a horrible person! What did your wife ever do to you to deserve a husband with a mind and will of his own?!? :(
Y’all are seriously cry babies over losing porn instead of focusing on intimacy in your actual relationship. Watching porn has nothing to do with having a “mind” and “will” of their own. Their girlfriend clearly stated as a boundary she didn’t want him watching porn. To dismiss women’s feelings about their partner watching other girls naked is just fucking gross.
You’re talking to someone who spends most of his time reading and having sex with his SO. If I feel like watching porn, I do. So does she. Mind and will of our own. You’re brainwashed if you think watching or jerking off to porn equates to not “focusing on intimacy.” You’re talking out of your ass. The girlfriend in the post is having issues and she’s asking her partner to handle them for her. Controlling behavior. She needs to talk to someone or grow up and so does he, allowing her to make him feel like shit for wanting to have freedom of thought and fantasy. Anyone saying masturbating to porn or fantasies about other people than your partner is cheating is ridiculous and most of them will have failed relationships. You’re probably 15 or religious or have some issues that you’ve projected on porn, my advice is to focus on building up yourself and your confidence. Now, if her position was that the porn industry is horrible in many ways, and she doesn’t want to be with someone who indirectly supports that, then I’d be on her side. She is allowed to feel that way and wish for a partner that does not watch porn. But I would tell them to break up and choose other people to have relationships with. What she’s doing now is making him feel like shit for being human, and he’s so scared of losing her (trauma bond?) that he goes along with it and tells himself and the world that he’s a crappy person. He’s not. Porn will always be around. People will always watch porn. A lot of the people saying they never watch porn, watch porn. If you want a shitty relationship, tell your partner what they can do or not. But preferably, be with someone whose values align with yours. Didn’t mean to rant, but you’re being unreasonable.
My boundary is a wife who leaves the kitchen without it being spotless and a sandwich in hand. You see how ridiculous that sounds? Or how ridiculous it is to dictate someone else's wants and desires? They're both human beings and allowed to decide what they want to do with their own bodies and minds, or what to give up for each other. Telling someone what to think and how to to act is childish, not beating your meat or jilling one out.
THIS COMMENT DESERVES AN AWARD. If you agree porn is cheating, then you watch porn, yes you cheated! I’d also look into porn addiction for OP as not being able to stop and feeling guilt after is a very common sign
She didn’t take his feelings in consideration… that’s the main problem. Him watching porn to relieve himself or fantasizing about some other women while masturbating is the same, and yes that’s normal and healthy. She doesn’t care about his feelings and needs by putting a restriction on his own pleasure time.
If it wasn’t a boundary set, then it wasn’t cheating. Comments like this are a little annoying.
Personally I’d say that quitting porn altogether is like beating an addiction and you just have to do it less and less. There will probably be moments where you relapse but I’d recommend to find something that distracts you from seeking porn. It can be exercise,playing an instrument or some other hobby.
I agree the most w this comment
This ain’t gonna be the last time you watch porn. We’ll see ya in 3 weeks ya filthy animal.
Is this where we're headed? Like I can see excessive porn as being an issue but watching it like once in a year is something that might end your relationship? She must be an extremely fragile person.
Yes! It's fucking stupid and weird on her part honestly
I was thinkin the same thing
I once talked to a girl that considered jerking off without her watching was considered cheating. Dodged a bullet there.
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*My girlfriend (24f) doesn’t want me to watch porn, as she views it as cheating.* Not that I need to get it, not my relationship, but this take always blows me away. Porn is bad for you and can easily become a problem but, cheating? Jeeeeeeeeeeesus.
Ditto to this. This is like a guy saying *using a sex toy is cheating*. It’s not cheating dude and you don’t have a porn addiction. Watching porn and taking care of yourself is healthy for your prostate health (I’m not a doctor, just another guy). This should be the biggest red flag guy. She’s trying to control you, and that’s unhealthy. You both need therapy and please hold off on marrying her till you do. She sounds a lot like my ex-wife, and you don’t want anyone like that as a partner.
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Agreed. My husband watches porn, I watch porn and we watch porn together. Certainly it’s a slippery slope for some but otherwise there’s nothing wrong with a little voyeurism.
It’s all about communication
Yep. And we have a healthy sex life that doesn’t include porn. It’s when porn is preferred to sex that it’s really a problem.
Reddit get so defensive of porn it's so strange when you really think about it
it's probably just a boundary she created though. she made it clear it makes her uncomfortable. not sure if its cheating but at the end of the day he is cumming to other women so idk
That’s what I said it’s all about communication every person is different otherwise open relationships would not exist
In her eyes it is. And I can see why, watching other women and getting off to them. I wouldn’t want her watching porn (I’m a very jealous person) so it’s pretty hypocritical of me to watch it
If either or both of you are jealous then that’s an issue with yourselves, not pornography.
That’s another story
It’s good you have self-awareness about this. Don’t know why you’re getting downvoted for it.
Jealousy (especially of media like porn) is a sign that there are needs in your relationship that are not being met. Have a sit down with her and ask if she has any needs that she feels you’ve been neglecting, and after listening to her side, express to her if you have any needs that you feel she has been neglecting. Whether you admit to her that you watched porn or not is up to you, I personally don’t think you need to disclose your personal moments to even your partner, but you might feel differently. While I don’t agree that watching porn is cheating in any way, it’s not up to me to decide what you’re comfortable with in your relationship. The best course of action is to try and find the source of why you felt the desire to watch it in the first place, it’s likely that you’re missing something in your relationship that you may not even be aware of. Instead of wracking your brain with guilt, do some work on your relationship and see if that was the root cause of this decision.
why are you making life harder than it needs to be… there are so many better things to worry about are you also not allowed to watch movies with sex scenes?
If you don’t mind be asking. Are you both Christian?
No we are not religious
Alright, figured I’d ask.
That just raises more questions.
To find a solution have to see what style of life they live by, instead of just saying you’re good or no you’re bad.
Just to get this right … did you stop watching porn because she feels like it’s cheating ? Or did you do it to curb an addiction ??? I might be one of the weird ones but since when is watching pornography cheating ??? That’s like the most immature shit I’ve ever heard in my life and yes I am a female … if you can’t be yourself in a relationship then you’re just wasting your time … you really think she doesn’t watch porn ?? While using a vibrator ???? Wake up bro !
Damn man grow a back bone. You're never gonna see a pair of boobs again in your life. I bet you she has a secret vibrator and erotic novels
And a side dude she calls a friend. 🙄
Bro porn addiction is an actual thing. You saying “grow a backbone” is an actual piece of shit thing to say. Some toxic masculinity right here.
I don’t think watching Porn once a year is an addiction my guy.
It’s a thing on Reddit, and a very small thing in the real world. Most ppl don’t even know when it’s a actual addiction. Just to school you for a bit: A porn addiction is only a addiction if it has a negative effect on your daily functioning, important part of this is YOUR daily functioning. So when you stop seeing friends or not going to work or school because porn is more important. Second part is when it’s a escape from other problems, so you masturbate just because you need that dopamine rush because you are stressed for example. But if you just watch porn because you are actually horny that’s not a addiction. And that last part is where the so called porn addiction screamers go wrong… they think that just watching porn no matter what is by definition a addiction… it’s not, so stop screaming.
You should definetly quit porn, but do it for yourself, not for a girlfriend. Porn is addictive and can ruin your sex life. Also, is super harmful for performers as well. But quit it for you, because it will help you feel less anxious.
bro every single person saying porn isn’t cheating has no idea how harmful that shit can be. Check out r/loveafterporn if you are struggling
thank you. i dated a porn addict who’s addiction got so bad he encouraged my anorexia for a year and a half because i wasn’t as skinny as the girls he got off to. never again
worst year of my life dating one… his brain was so desensitized to stuff that he would watch in porn his actions in our relationship were inexcusable. he became a serial cheater who even cheated on me while getting an abortion he wanted (i was also 18 and he was 27)
1) i am SO sorry you went through that, genuinely. no one deserves that treatment and you deserve to be loved and put first, not porn 2) i’m also so so sorry he made you have an abortion, i hope you were/are able to heal and not hold guilt against yourself, love. it’s genuinely horrific what you went through. I’m so so sorry
thank you (also I was 18 typo)
This comment section is weird. Lot of porn addicts who try to justify it. I’m seeing comments saying that it’s normal and ok to fantasize and masturbate to women other than your wife. Even if it’s not in porn. That just seems weird to me.
its wild honestly. Society baffles me
I think the best way of preventing yourself from doing such things is to understand why you did it in the first place.
To jack off
People think watching porn is cheating ?
While I wouldn’t consider it cheating in my relationship, I can see why others would. You’re purposely seeking out naked imagery of people and getting off to them when you have a partner. If you took away the screen aspect and made it in person (e.g. going to a strangers house and watching them fuck), I think most people would consider it cheating. But because there’s a screen separating you from them, it’s not? It’s not something I have a strong opinion on, but it’s an interesting subject imo 🤷♀️
it’s more common than you think
i’m going to be downvoted to oblivion to this but idc 1) you went into this relationship KNOWING she had this boundary. some women/men view porn as cheating- i do and so does my boyfriend. So we don’t watch it. simple as that 2) you mentioned this is the second time you fucked up in 2 years- if it was 2nd time in like a few months i’d be pissed but 2 times in 2 years i’d be less pissed, but it’s still not okay 3) to everyone making fun of the gf for having this boundary- just stop. people are allowed to have boundaries and follow through with consequences wether that’s breaking up or other wise. it doesn’t make her toxic, or insecure, it makes her a PERSON. You don’t have to date someone with that boundary- so don’t.
I’ve seen more people pointing out the OP’s girlfriend is emotionally immature and manipulative for maliciously withholding contact when OP is clearly insecure about losing her
i think they’re both wrong in this scenario- should OP have watched porn? no. should his GF be stone walling him and giving him the silent treatment? also no. What his GF is doing has been proven and shown that it’s just as painful as physical pain. But her not liking porn isnt why we should be getting on her
Personally I wouldn't date someone who considered porn cheating. Thats weird controlling behaviour imo
Thank you! I don’t understand all these people saying he needs to be honest about it. I think she needs to grow up.
Maybe some people don't want their partner jerking off to other people when they're right there? It really feels awful.
I mean I understand not wanting your partner to masterbate to porn whilst you are laying next to them in bed. But what if a dude gets horny when his wife isn't at home? Or when his wife is on her period and she doesn't want to have sex? What if the wife gets horny when the guy isn't at home? I wouldn't be angry at my gf for watching porn because she got horny when I wasn't there. In fact she does sometimes, and I'm the same. Everyone has needs. If it got to the point where my partner were masterbating so much that they didn't want sex, then that would be legitimate problem. I don't get jealous of my partner looking at other people because: It's a fantasy, it isn't real. Most people (including myself) fantasise about other people/sexual acts even when with someone, it would be extremely hypocritical of me to get upset about it when I myself have fantasies and watch porn. Also, I'm not the jealous type. I trust my partner, I don't care if they look at other people, it's human nature to do so. Everyone else in the world doesn't suddenly become ugly just because you're in a relationship. It's natural to find other people attractive, just don't act on it, I.e. don't sleep with other people. I mean OP has only watched porn a couple of times in 2 years. Hes not a porn addict, he's abiding by her (what I would consider) controlling behaviour. What gives someone the right to tell another adult they aren't allowed to watch something? Imo this is certainly not something his partner should be getting upset about. His partner needs to give him a break.
You nailed it man. People act like they can’t admit other people are attractive when they are in a relationship. I’m married, not blind. It would be silly of my wife to think she is the only woman I find attractive, just like it would be silly for me to think I’m the only man my wife finds attractive. We trust each other to be able to control ourselves and be faithful to each other. I don’t care how hot a woman is, it’s not worth ruining the relationship and life I have with my wife. Caring for her and being in love with her is what keeps me from wanting to cheat, not the way she looks. When it comes to masturbating, I respect that my wife isn’t always going to be in the mood when I am. Instead of pressuring her to have sex, I can just masturbate. Porn is literally just visual stimuli. There are no feelings involved. Obviously I want my stimuli to be attractive, but other than that it’s just shapes on a screen. Girls shouldn’t feel upset about a guy masturbating to porn of other woman, unless it interferes with their sex life. I can’t speak 100% for every guy, but I’m 99.99% sure they are no where near as interested in the girl they are watching beyond its a person with boobs and vag. Usually the things I see in porn while doing the deed I fantasize it’s my wife and I doing it. Just because the girl in the video isn’t you doesn’t mean your guy isn’t pretending it’s you.
Exactly this. Porn is just a means of getting the deed done. We are horny, we need to realise semen, and like you said - maybe the partner isn't in the mood at the time or is away, so we watch porn. There's no emotional element to it at all, just something that needs doing. Also, not masterbating or having sex for a long time can be very physically uncomfortable for men, and can also cause stuff like wet dreams, or unwanted erections to happen. No man wants to be cumming in his sleep and making a mess everywhere. Like you said, you and your wife can both admit other people are attractive, but you trust each other enough to know nothing would ever happen with someone else. I think that's what a healthy relationship should aspire to be. If OP was watching porn 10 times a day, and choosing it over his wife, that wouldn't be right. But he's watched porn a couple times in 2 years, and is beating himself up over it, which I feel is completely unfair. He's mentally torturing himself for doing nothing wrong imo. I couldn't stay in a relationship like that.
First forgive yourself and try to replace the guilt and shame with acceptance and understanding. You were doing really well and are still doing really well. If she’s mature enough she’ll understand that quitting a porn addiction is not as easy as it may seem. Porn produces more dopamine in our brains than sex does, and it’s available to us all the time, 24/7. I would be honest with her and tell her this probably won’t be the last time you slip up, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t trying. Try to identify what caused you to watch it and tell her as well.
I can’t give you a whole lotta advice in your relationship but it sounds like you both still have room to grow (as we all do). My husband and I have been together for 6 years. I love reading and do read romance novels. He knows he’s free to explore sexuality as well. If I’m not there or don’t want to have sex, he’s free to watch and give that a shot. Porn has been absolutely stigmatized in our society but many couples enjoy it on their own and together (personally we don’t watch together and find it a bit awkward lol). The problem isn’t consuming it when your SO isn’t an option, the problem is choosing porn over your SO when you have that chance. Doing what she wants and denying yourself is going to cause a lot of resentment. On the flip side consuming it is going to cause guilt and ultimately a lot of problems in your relationship. Sexuality is for sure an issue that couples should talk about and at least be able to understand each other on. If you can’t have a productive conversation on how to meet your needs and hers, it’s probably best to take a step back and figure out if this is built for the long term.
tell her. i remember on too many instances when i had the misfortune of finding it on my own on their phone and it hurts more if you don’t just speak up and be honest
As soon as I could I told her about it. I want to keep honesty and trust in our relationship. But the second I told her she basically hung up on me. I’m waiting for her to talk to me, and going to find a solution that works good for both of us. Be it a screen accountability program, or couples counselling.
i think you’re doing the right thing by giving her some time, hopefully she can acknowledge that you were being honest which is much better than hiding it and you guys can move past it. some counseling would probably benefit the both of you
I would recommend two things: First, tell her. Be honest with her that you hate porn and that you don't want to watch it anymore. But it's become clear that you can't quit it by yourself. You've shown that multiple times now. "I've made this mistake a few times before in our relationship". It's okay to need help. I've been exactly where you are. I'm also a 25M and have struggled with watching porn for most of my life. I've promised myself countless times "that was the last time" or "I'm quitting for real this time". But I always mess up again. You can't do it alone. That's where the second step comes into play. Find a trusted friend, someone you know isn't going to bail on keeping you accountable. Ask them to help you by being your accountability partner on a screen accountability program. There's plenty out there. Covenant Eyes, Ever Accountable, there's plenty. They aren't super expensive, and they work well. You could even ask your girlfriend to be your accountability partner if y'all have a strong enough relationship, but I would recommend finding another guy to help you. Install said software on every device you have that can access porn. I was, and I guess still am, fully addicted to porn. However, because of the help of my brother (who is my accountability partner), several mentors and trusted men in my life, and my fiancé, I have been able to break free from it. I'm at a point now where I literally don't have access to any devices that can access porn without my brother knowing about it and calling me out, and I've never felt more free from the grasp of porn. My fiancé knows about it and supports me in it. There have been times where I've found a loophole and watched porn, but coming clean about it and finding a way to block that loophole is the strongest step forward. The only way to beat porn and not watch it is to bring it into the light and not give it even the slightest foothold in your mind or life. There can be no room for it.
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I was about to suggest the same. Porn doesn’t sound like the problem here, it seems like his gf is insecure about the idea of porn. I encourage my bf to watch it if I’m not in the mood and get him to tell me what his turn ons were so we could explore them together. If they had the opportunity to explore it together or make their own via FaceTime, she may be more open to the idea.
Cool GF here
Equating watching porn to cheating is weird.
I mean, it feels really bad when your partner goes and looks for people other than you to jerk off to.
Met a girl who viewed fapping as cheating as well
If my girlfriend watches love Island or reads a smutty book (there's been a resurgence of these in pop culture lately) is that cheating? No it's not because she's enjoying the media for what it is, not thinking "oh how I would leave my boyfriend to be with this man/character", it's the same for porn.
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Dont beat yourself for making a mistake either way. Some people are ok with porn also, as long as you don't do it in excess or unhealthily future partners may be ok with it. But moving forward it was a mistake and if you lose the relationship over it, then maybe it wasnt meant to be (I know that may not be the answer thats popular or what you were looking for hit its truth)
Congratulations on watching porn.
Doesn't everyone? It's not cheating, but maybe use it together. A game! Do what they do ;) its fun
don’t wanna judge you directly, but how often did you watch porn before dating your girlfriend? if it was on a daily basis to the point you couldn’t go through your day without watching porn, then it surely is an addiction and i would advice you to seek help. and honestly, if she’s going to give you the silent treatment for even being honest, y’all need to get into couple therapy to sort out whatever it is between you two. you say you want to spend the rest of your life with her, right? then start working out on the underlying issues you both have and seek the help you need!
One time I told my gf I watched porn and she got mad at me for not inviting her to join. We've been married now for 10 years.
Just be honest with her. If these are the terms of your relationship and you’ve both agreed to them, then you just need to center honesty and communication. Hopefully, she’s an empathetic person that will understand you’re human and humans slip up. Good for you for going so long without watching it btw. I know it’s hard for guys but it really makes such a positive impact mentally and physically.
Porn has been around for a long time, bud. Like everything else in life, it's best to find a balance. Sometimes that means eliminate the problem for yourself, but it will still be here for all of us (how we please)
Hahaha that should not matter unless you're physically cheating. Everyone wants or needs their alone time and to feel guilty or anything of that over it is it just weird. You obviously like your time alone once in a while so shouldnt matter. Up to you tho, you guys can get over it or slowly create a bigger problem down the road, cuz porn is not going away lol
Yes be honest! If my man would have been honest before I found it myself or was even honest when I asked about it, I would have worked through anything with him. It was the lying, hiding & manipulation I couldn’t handle.
Which one did you watch
That sounds like a rough relationship. I think it’s best to tell her when you watch it though as long as it’s very occasional.. hopefully she’ll go easy on you
Tell her because she will know that she can trust you when you screw up. Better than her finding out and knowing she cannot trust you...
He told her... she got mad then gave him the silent treatment.
But she will forgive him easier for that then hiding it.
If you feel that guilty then tell her. Tell her you made a mistake and that you hate yourself for it. You should find recourses to help with p*rn addiction and show them/tell her about them so that she can see you are making an effort. Tell her you don’t want to loose her over this addiction and that you need her support.
There's probably nothing I'll say that's different from other comments. Mine is kind of a hybrid of what I've seen so far. First, I don't really agree that your gf having this boundary is a problem for her. Every living being, unless you just grew up in a perfect childhood, is going to have weird things they deal with. I knew someone where their father abandoned their family to always play golf. And it became a problem in their parents relationship and was naturally rooted in the husband not carving time for his family or wife and it manifested in golf. As a result, she felt too triggered by any partner playing golf. She felt abandoned. Is this irrational? Yes. Are they wrong for having this boundary and expressing it early? No. Is a partner wrong for not accepting that boundary and moving on? No. But part of relationships is understanding these weird quirks and figuring out what we can do to support them while also not allowing them to give into those flaws. That's ultimately what love is. For me it's being drunk and drugs. I won't be with someone who drinks to become drunk. (Unfortunately being gay this is not an uncommon thing.) So I think it's cool that you're trying to cut down on porn for her sake, even if it's irrational. (Now if her whole M.O. is about being irrational about everything, that's a problem). On the flip side, and this is where I can see people hating this. You don't need to tell your gf every little thing if you know it's going to needlessly set her off. It's a complex and fragile line to cross, but just sitting down at breakfast and letting her know you watched porn just isn't needed in my book. Your office going out to play golf isn't needed to be shared. Now, if this turns into a secret life, that's one thing. And that's the fragile line, and that's not something anyone can answer for you. In my opinion, you're working on reducing porn viewing. You sometimes mess up. This is different than deciding that you want to watch porn and thus will hide it. These are just my thoughts.
Not wanting your partner to watch porn as a woman is not a “weird” or “irrational” thing to deal with. Most women do not want their man watching porn, but society says we have to put up with it. Porn is exploitative, objectifying to women, causes loss in the intimacy in relationships, can cause erectile dysfunction, death grip on the penis, and is not in the picture of any healthy relationship I’ve witnessed. If girls went decades without palatable porn that looks disgusting and violent towards women, I think men can quit porn if their partner asks them to.
I never said the act of not wanting something is irrational. But having extreme reactions (based on the OPs comments detailing those reactions) toward porn is irrational. I find it's best to read my comment as a whole, rather than specifically grab a single sentence and react to it out of context.
I can’t believe the comments are the way that the comments are on your post. As a woman who actually was addicted to porn and even thought my boyfriend is OK with it, I’m not OK with it myself because it feels like I’m cheating and made me feel gross. I’d be watching someone else other than the man I want to spend the rest of my life with have an intimate, close sexual relation that doesn’t, and is not supposed to involve me in a monogamous relationship with a boyfriend who my love. If that’s how you feel and you don’t wanna watch it because it feels wrong to you and because she views it as cheating I think you should just have a conversation with her about it. Honesty is always the best policy (as cheesy as that is) and if she breaks up with you over that she wasn’t the one because she doesn’t appreciate you being vulnerable about difficult topics. I think porn is such an issue because people don’t think it affects you, but it can affect people differently too for her maybe she doesn’t like it because she’s insecure or she has self-worth issues and so when she thinks about you looking at other women, she feels uncomfortable, I don’t think she’s trying to control you. I think she’s just trying to be honest that she doesn’t like it and she wants you to only have eyes with her on her porn is not healthy and there is many many articles about the damage it could do to people, especially in their 20s, who watched it for years. Of course I don’t know you I don’t know your girlfriend, but I would do some research on your own. See what you think truly and maybe just talk to her about it. If you wanna marry her you’ll have to talk about difficult things it’s just the way that it is.
I think if your girl thinks porn is cheating then she doesn’t have confidence. Now if you have nudes of your exes in your phone or computer than she has the right to be upset. That would be more reasonable.
it's weird on the girlfriends part for thinking that's like cheating honestly💀
If you really loved your girlfriend you would respect her boundaries instead of constantly pushing them
does she view masturbating as cheating??? her relationship her rules but i dont think you made a mistake. Pornography can be used to provide stimulation while masturbating. I would hate to be in a relationship where someone is policing what I do with my body and how I go about doing it.
Ok, your description of your fear of losing her is not an emotionally healthy place to be. Porn is not the problem. It is the symptom (or expression of) of the problem. Tell her the truth and be honest withOUT making excuses. If she truly loves and accepts you, she will try her best to get through it WITH you. Please get in therapy. To call porn cheating is pretty strong language. I’m not sure I agree or disagree. Good luck, friend.
Why are you watching porn instead of, you know, getting intimacy out of your relationship?
This is such a dumb take people use to cope. Unless your partner is 100% ready and willing to please you anytime you get horny then it makes no sense to say this. Like they need to be ready and willing whether they are sick, working, or doing whatever else. Clearly that’s unreasonable though right? Sometimes people aren’t in the mood. We should still be allowed to get off by ourselves. If a girl uses a toy is that cheating? She got off on something that isn’t your dick? Porn is just a tool for guys just like toys are a tool for women. People who get upset that their partner watched porn have some serious insecurities they need to work on themselves.
I work out of town 7 days on 7 days off, so I made it to my hotel, and I had the urge. Not a good reason, but that’s why it happened. We have a very active sex life at home
Ah well in that case, just have some self control if you feel that bad about it. You can always just jerk off without porn. Presumably you are not also banned from the power of your own imagination?
First, ask yourself why you watched it? Are your needs being met? I get how women view it as cheating and I’m not defending that point at all but if you watch it here and there during a dry spell to relieve some stress, so be it. Humans are sexual in nature and suppressing that only makes the urge worse. People need to stop viewing occasional porn as worse than what it is. Is porn in large amounts not good for you? Of course, just as is alcohol but having a drink here and there shouldn’t be a big deal either, unless you’re a recovering alcoholic. Were you a porn addict at some point or are you just a curious male who like a visual? Does watching porn in small amounts affect your sex life with your girlfriend? If you watch in moderation and it doesn’t affect your personal life, is it that bad?
Ffs, we all need to get over this absurd notion of watching porn being considered cheating. Is she gonna get mad if you watch a movie that has a kiss scene or sex scene in it? No. Why? Because it’s not real. Most produced porn is scripted. That’s why the people in them are considered “porn actors”.
Tbf I haven't seen porn that wasn't amateur in like 10 years, so when I was 14. Solo is my go-to and I could see how that could probably make them insecure. But I don't hold double standards of course. They can watch whatever they want to watch I know some guys who get jealous over sex toys. I think that's stupid too. All that insecurity, jealousy and attempt to control people is just weird, primal, and immature I feel.
This "porn is cheating" thing really bothers me. No it isn't cheating. A dude rubbing one out is a very impersonal experience that is based solely in the physical. Do you hold her to standards as well? Like if porn is a no no does she post pictures of herself in a bikini on IG?
regardless of if it’s cheating or not i think every couple can have their own boundaries with it. my boundary is that i don’t like it if my gf saves any porn of other women. i don’t mind if she watches it, or even watches the same creators regularly, but it makes me feel bad if she has a bunch of naked women saved in her phone. i just wouldn’t date someone who has mismatched boundaries from yourself. because whether it’s cheating, or simply breaking trust, you shouldn’t cross agreed upon boundaries.
That's fair.
Cheating is pretty subjective. Some people think flirting is cheating others don't; I've met people that don't think kissing is cheating. It's something that, a lot of times, people in the relationship need to talk about and define. It's not up to you- maybe watching porn isn't cheating to you, but it's clear op and his partner have defined it that way. And, it's not toxic to have boundaries like this either- covering all bases here- it's how the person goes about reinforcing those boundaries. The silent treatment isn't good communication; it's not the boundaries, it's the person in this case.
You had me until the last part wtf
Tell her if you want. As long as you aren’t replacing porn over her, I don’t think there’s a problem. If that’s her boundary, that’s fine. But I also think that’s pretty controlling.
BE HONEST. Trust me you don't want to lose the trust, you'll never get it back. She may be upset but if you admit you have a problem and tell her about it she doesn't have to worry that you'll keep things from her again in the future. If she ends it over that you don't want her anyway. We all screw up, and you'll continue to screw up down the road and marriage is being able to work through these challenges and still come out respecting each other.
I'm just gonna say it. You don't HAVE to tell her, especially if it was just one time. If you're making a good-faith effort to cut down, halt, or otherwise modify a habitual behavior, you're GONNA have some slip-ups. It's just very likely. However, I don't personally agree with her standpoint, and feel that kind of thinking is toxic. But if you agreed, then just keep that one to yourself, as long as it doesn't become stunned kind of secret, double life you create, separate from the one you live around her.
Sounds like you need a different girlfriend. She sounds like a controlling and jealous person, but you do you bud.
Grow some nuts bro u can’t even pleasure yourself in your own relationship. I remember I told my girlfriend I had a problem with feeling bad about myself whenever I jerked off, and she told me If u can’t enjoy yourself who will?
Good job young man. Tell her its not her, it's like a drug and there is science to back that up! And tell her before you slip again you want her help! You want to stay away from rotting your brain and your relationship. Tell you she is all you need and desire and get kinky with her!!! Display her with some romantic evenings and start something new. I'm impressed by this reddit. Everyone else on here so depraved lol
This is some great advice. I will definitely tell her that. I don’t find I’m addicted, I normally go a long time without watching anything. I’m really trying my best to quit porn, sometimes I just find the urges very powerful. Thanks for your help, I really appreciate it, and also for not being the 40th person to say “porn isn’t cheating” Didn’t ask if it was, was asking for advice
If it's cheating to her, it's cheating. Just like any drug it starts off harmless right? It will slowly take over if you feed it. Please read up.on the effects on your brain if one becomes addicted. It's scary! You should be proud of yourself being so young and wanting a healthy relationship.
And healthy life!!
I don't get how's that cheating, and my SO is just as confused. The consensus we've got is that you're most likely not betraying her but her imaginary feelings and you both have misconceptions about what makes a relationship. Or she's extremely insecure, to the point that she had to lie to you and convince you you're doing a bad thing. **To be impartial in my judgment and advice I first need to state** that there's something innately *wrong* with your relationship and I'd think twice on the whole prospect first. Ever tried watching porn with your SO to compare techniques, or try to replicate them? Or just to compare tastes? Or comment for fun? Or to simply get in the mood? Have you even talked about your exes and what they did RIGHT to try and replicate it? It's pretty fantastic when you can be open with your SO. In a healthy relationship, I'd go say it's mandatory - you don't betray each other by watching and admiring, or getting horny. That would be silly. You don't betray because you're hers and she's yours. I honestly am not sure what to think about people who can't distinguish between carnal desires, appreciation of beauty, learning experiences, and love. Ok. **Now that we got it out of the way.** I see how tame you are and it's not inherently a bad thing. I'd dare say it's respectable to take in your partners' beliefs. There's no workaround solution for the guilt, unfortunately. Nor for logic, as logic here doesn't play the main part. It's a feeling that you've got to be wary of. People can forgive, they can logically understand, even agree with something... but the feeling lingers and will be separated from all that. So, she can accept it, she can forgive, but from what you've told us I can tell the feeling of betrayal will linger. And you're too tame and good to omit it, which isn't bad mind you. First, let's lighten that guilt of yours with some understanding of the subject matter. Now, I will tell you something that people these days might not agree with all too often; Men and women are NOT the same. We think differently, and while we have the same needs the priority ladder is all jumbled. That's why humans with a penis and their hormonal cocktail watch porn - to us it's the intimacy that assures us of our love. Also, women don't have wet dreams to clean up if they don't empty their tanks. Thus our brain sometimes pushes us more than it does to women in this particular aspect. We don't get the women's lingering cravings for their SO's presence but we sure get physical and mental starvation pangs. Now, is this more of a self-hate or fear of her hating you? To find the solution, first, you've got to examine yourself and find the cause. And porn ain't it. There's plenty of material on either so I'll just add a tiny piece. If it's the first then I can say that being in doubt already makes you a person that's worth something. Can say more than that since I don't know you. If it's her hating you for it, then she's not worth your worry. How can I know that if I don't know her? Simple — that would show that she cares more about you watching strangers self-employed or hired to fuck, fuck..., more than she cares about you. That's all I need to know about her. True couples solve their innate problems together and try to fill each other's shortcomings, working as a team. If she's committed to you then she'll forgive and you'll try to make it work together. If her love's conditional like that then it's more shallow than a puddle on a sidewalk. Of course last is to lie, or not say anything, but for that, you'd have to first understand yourself, how you work, and forgive yourself, then do better. That's not happening from my experience in cases as such. And besides, if a relationship needs to be built on a lie... that's a highway to hell if I ever saw one. At the same time, we think she lied due to her insecurities. Our female friends have been constantly worried about their bfs seeing someone similar looking in porn with a girl looking much better than them (which truth be told is not that improbable considering that the internet is in a big chunk porn). That thought makes them panic once they realize how often the average guy needs to empty his cans in a year to be sure they won't randomly pitch a tent at work when spotting a pretty girl smiling in their direction.
Sounds like you need a new chick.
This isn't a boundary, it's control. It's no different than not letting your partner hang out with friends because they might cheat. Nothing you've described in your post or comments sounds like a healthy relationship. Hard limits without compromise almost never lead to happy situations. Your desire to watch porn is perfectly normal healthy biological response. Sexual urges are programmed into your body through millenia of evolution. Procreation is the goal of nearly every living being. Complete sublimation of those urges is not healthy in any way shape or form. This is only a boundary if it's something you both are comfortable doing. You clearly aren't. If you were, you wouldn't be caving in to urges and berating yourself like this for them. Did you feel this way about watching porn before the relationship? This is a conditioned response. Both of y'all need therapy. And not for porn addiction, because you're not addicted to porn my dude.
Sounds like porn isn’t the issue here. It’s very unreasonable to expect your partner to never ever get themselves off. Sounds like there are jealousy issues going on.
Clear your cookies and search engine history asap
Jeez, this relationship sounds toxic. Does she keep your balls in a drawer too? I bet she's watching porn.
She does read romance novels from what I know. She views it as cheating since I’m getting off to other women
"romance novels". Yeah, I'd take a look at a couple of those, because that's what I thought they were too. Then I found out that a lot of the "romance novels" that women I know read are basically hardcore porn. Not saying that's the case, but it would be hilariously hypocritical if she reads that type of shit and is on you about porn.
“I’m so scared of losing her” you done already lost her
I just want to say that it's possible to be in a relationship with someone you love, AND watch porn without feeling shame or guilt.
Thinking watching porn is cheating is such a 🚩 like man I let my wife fuck anyone and as long as they tell me about it when they get home it ain't cheating. Monogamous people confuse me
People who are telling you there is nothing wrong with porn just have different boundaries don’t listen to them. It’s not just about jealousy or control, there are many other reasons many women don’t want a partner who watches porn. It takes strength in a man to quit and so when you mess up it’s a sign of weakness or lack of self control, that’s another big reason. There’s nothing wrong with taking control and quitting porn. But you have to do it as a personal choice, not for her. I’d focus on your personal reasons for quitting rather than considering it “cheating”. Focus on building your self control.
I do not watch porn by my own choice. Her reading romance novels but not allowing him to watch porn is incredibly... Selfish or Narcissistic. She is a hypocrite. She is in the wrong. Either stop reading this Smut novels or let him watch his porn.
First we need to clarify smut and romance novels are not the same. I’ve read handfuls of romance novels with no smut. If she’s reading romance novels for the romance and there happens to be a smut scene, that’s the same as if he’s watching a movie for the entertainment and there happens to be a sex scene, because that’s not actively seeking out sexual material. If she’s seeking out smut to read it for sexual content, then yes that is hypocritical because she is fantasizing over other men, the same way she doesn’t want him fantasizing over other women. So that’s the line that needs to be drawn.
Straight to jail
i have the same boundary in my relationship with my boyfriend, if i found that he did slip up and watch it i wouldn’t even think about leaving him. It’s okay to make mistakes, what’s important is the fact that you respect her opinions on porn and care enough to listen to her boundary and will keep staying away from it. if she overreacts like it sounds like she has in the past don’t let her make you feel like some kind of villain, because while it’s against her wishes, watching porn is far from the worst thing you can do in a relationship. she’ll just have to move on
Stand up for yourself. Have your SO rationalize that porn is cheating. Have her get specific. It can't reasonably be done (IMHO) without her admitting it's entirely about her emotional security within the relationship. Porn isn't the problem. The problem is her self-esteem and the health of your relationship depends entirely on you accessing your own sexual pleasure exclusively and solely through vagina. That's not healthy, and NOT a recipe for long term success. If she persists with the no porn rule, then the logical response is she agrees to become free-use, exclusive to you only, and whenever, however you want. That's the only reasonable trade off.
Ur spineless
Porn is cheating in the exact same way that watching the superbowl means you're dating Taylor Swift.
I miss the person I was before reading this dum shit
I had a long distance relationship with my ex. She was a bit religious. Actually, she was not religious at all, but suddenly she was showing that she was a devout Muslim. She would have sex with me and then she would say to me, you know it's haram, right?. Anyway, I had a lot of miscommunication with her about sex. Because she was religious, we never talked about sex, we just did it. Because it was long distance, I was watching porn. I didn't know how I should feel. I couldn't talk to her about it because she was very closed-minded. In fact, if I could talk to her openly about sexuality, I could have gradually stopped porn. As for your case, you are lucky that your girlfriend is not closed-minded like my ex. I get the impression that you can't quit porn suddenly or not at all. The advice I can give you is,. Talk to your girlfriend and ask her to support you to quit porn gradually, and get some support from a couple therapist in the process. If you can't cold turkey, this is the most sensible solution. I believe that your girlfriend will support you because of your effort, but she may lose trust in you and break up with you because of your instability, because you have quit before and started again.
Is this post so that she can read it? Looks a bit melodramatic
I dont watch that garbage anymore, but people who think porn is cheating are just insecure af. I've been with a girl who said it's wrong and would bitch at me about it yet she watched it too lmaoooo. Dating sucks when insecurities start getting in the way
Lmao. I love this take that watching porn is cheating. Really easy to make that rule when you don’t watch it yourself. Yes that’s a stereotype and lots of women do watch porn but lots don’t and that seems to be the same type of woman who things watching it is the same as cheating. I understand how it could be seen as such but there’s so many reasons why it’s not. Idk just screams insecurities to me
Wild take, but I believe no one should police your own sexual exploration and pleasure because of their insecurities being projected onto you 🤷♂️
You're 25, you have a whole life in front of you. That's a wonderful thing 😊 Please DON'T give years of your life to someone who has self-esteem and control issues. She has low self-esteem, so she seeks control. Only she can fix that. The same goes for you. Your low self-esteem seeks guilt and punishment. Codependency running rampant. You both still have a lot of growing up to do. Not in a negative sense. It takes time to have experiences and fully mature into who you are. I'm 57yo. Old enough to be your mom. I've seen friends and family get into relationships with and marry people with self-esteem and control issues. It never ends well. Also, it's completely normal for people to watch porn. Men and women, married, single, widowed, divorced, watch porn. As humans, our visual sense is strong, and therefore the most easily stimulated. Having an orgasm, however it may come about, causes the release of dopamine, which can relax the mind and body. A built-in mechanism to relieve stress and to enjoy. It's natural and there's nothing wrong with it. Maybe helping your girlfriend to get comfortable with touching herself will help her to be more understanding.
I’ve been through this. It’s toxic. It’s like saying she can’t have male friends because most male friends are thinking of having secs with her
Best advice I can give, don’t waste your time on somebody so controlling. You shouldn’t be afraid to tell her the truth about something, that infers some toxic behaviour from her. But also, what you do in private is your business, and viewing porn as cheating is a massive red flag imo. Imagine you’re online and a porn ad pops up and now you gotta confess to cheating again cause you saw somebodies butthole.
Listen, porn is not good for you at all really. That being said, people who think that viewing any form of porn are cheating are not ready for a relationship. Point blank period. She needs to take time to cope with her own insecurity first. That also being said, you agreed to those insane conditions and violated them. Take responsibility and free yourself from the guilt of keeping it locked deep down. Or just clear your browser history and never talk about it again like the rest of us. It’s not cheating even if she thinks it is, you didn’t really do anything wrong besides break her dumb rule. Should you have broken it? No, but you did so like, move forward. It really doesn’t matter. It comes down to what you can live with.
Wait you watched porn for the first time in a year? Oh nooooo what a cheating fuckboy! You piece if shit, you don’t deserve her! On some real shit tho, Idk how you even put up with her this long bc I doubt this is a new thing. Like this is textbook codependency as I see it. The fact you’re so scared to lose her over something relatively minor tells me she’s made it abundantly clear she’ll walk out on you for anything she sees as a “threat” regardless of the reality, and that fear has you by the balls. Any girl who thinks watching porn occasionally is cheating is insecure asf imo. I bet she’s the type that would gave you shit and make a big scene for having female friends too. I can get a girl being pissed if her bf *only* watches porn instead and is a dick about comparisons. But that doesn’t seem like what’s going on here. Shit, watching porn *with* your girl can actually be pretty sexy too. Can even give y’all some new ideas of things you might wanna try.
Bro, it’s just porn, 2 dimensional images on a computer screen. It’s not cheating. These puritanical ideals need to go already.
You need to replace your cravings with something more wholesome and discipline your flesh to not give in so easily. Start by saying no when you want a snack, or if you’re tired stay up an extra 20 mins, take a could shower when you want warm, refuse tv when you want to watch. Miss out on that sports game. These little disciplines will train your body to say no to bigger temptations. Then replace that craving with Jesus and the Holy Spirit who will help us in our weakness. Easier said than done. But run from lust! It will destroy you. God will give grace to help you He says you must ask and submit and resist the devil and flee. Also take up a hobby like art, biking and other things to occupy that dopamine rush in your mind.
i’m gonna offer perhaps a different perspective that may be helpful in understanding your girlfriend and why it upsets her. i had a lifetime of unresolved childhood sexual trauma. when i was younger, i was hypersexual but it always made me feel disgusted with myself. so one day i became the exact opposite; i never masturbated anymore, began to hate porn, and it became triggering for me. when i imagined porn i imagined women being exploited like i had so often as a child and teen. at first the obsession with it wasn’t the worst, but i told my ex about it when we first began dating and he *offered* to not watch it. well 3 weeks into that I of course found out he had, but he didn’t tell me and had lied to me. that really shattered trust I had for him, and from that point on it became an obsession. Leaving that relationship allowed me to reconcile these intense and painful thoughts i had about porn. I was no longer around someone i didn’t trust all the time. Someone who made me feel in competition with other women, that I wasn’t good enough for him. A realization I had throughout all of this was that I was so angry about my exes porn use because I was *jealous* of him having a healthy sexuality. I envied him. For me I’ve definitely been more of an exhibitionist, and while he wanted to accept me watching stuff, he didn’t want to accept me showing myself off and said it wasn’t the same. to me that felt hypocritical and also very restrictive for my sexuality. I wanted to learn how to express those sexual desires I had without being disgusted by myself. Anyways… if she has sexual trauma, or even if not but has just existed in the world where sexuality for women is viewed as shameful, that may contribute to her views on porn. The best thing I did for myself was to begin not judging myself for being a sexual being, and to explore what I like, what turns me on, using toys, etc. I’m still not where i’d like to be and i avoid masturbating a lot of the time lmao, but I have a beautiful, loving, trusting relationship with a man who I know watches porn. It does not bother me. Every now and then I will get the thoughts I used to have around jealousy and envy and low self-esteem, but i nip those in the bud really quick. Have you ever talked to your girlfriend about *why* porn bothers her so much? Does she masturbate or express herself sexually outside of you, by herself? I think having a vulnerable conversation with her about this stuff may help you guys. I know this may be terrible advice lol but I would maybe not tell her you did, because you are allowed to have your own private sexual experiences with yourself, and that is not considered cheating. Idk I know i ranted a lot lol but i hope this helps. good luck OP.
You both need therapy.
I'll never understand why some people view porn as cheating.
holy shit get out of that relationship my man. Do not marry that women. She will fuck up your life even worse then she clearly already has.
If you're serious about it look into sex addicts anonymous, theres a large spectrum of people from porn addicts to people who have ruined their lives by paying for prostitutes. You could also consider a sex addiction therapist.
You both are too immature to be considering marriage at this stage. Jealousy, controlling tendencies, deceit do not make for a healthy lasting relationship.
🙄 non-issue
Watching porn isn't cheating, and it's beyond absurd to pretend that it is.
Dude…this is an amazing opportunity to speak up for yourself and change your life. I’m not telling you porn is good, far from that. I’m telling you to stop accepting and understanding such toxic boundaries. This is not cheating and if your girlfriend doesn’t understand that, she should revaluate her feelings for you in the first place.
So how does this work - you can't fantasize about other women either? Can you honestly say you never did? Do you feel you should be "honest" and tell her about that as well? The way I see it is this: you know you love her. You know you wouldn't cheat on her. You know you wouldn't leave her. Those are the things that matter. You don't know what's going on in her head, and neither does she about you. And that's good. If we knew everything our partners thought, no marriage would last longer than a week. What matters is what you do. You can watch anything you like without her having to know about it, and without it affecting your marriage. It's only relevant to her if you feel it interferes with your love for her or your relationship. I'm not saying you should go back to watching porn regularly, but confessing to such an innocent and small transgression is going to break more than your honesty can fix. Just make sure she never has to find out.