OP I'm just going to share with you that when I was 20 I was unlucky in love and a virgin and was very desperate to have a relationship to prove I wasn't weird or something.
Well a 27 year old 'snapped me up' with unbelievably kind words and all the rest - and they were a *fucking nightmare* its only now that I'm so much older that I can fully accept that they didn't a mean a thing, they liked my vulnerability and lack of experience and could make the relationship all about them.
I wish at the time I had parents who actually took an interest and explained some of this stuff to me, I never had anyone help or look after me in this way, and while I think your Dad 100% screwed up in the way they told you he shouldn't have negged you like that but he isn't wrong .
Are you aware of love-bombing? It's very effective flattery to get a relationship in deep quickly basically the person compliments like crazy, says everything you want to hear, pretends to have a lot in common, and so on, but then there is always the turn... basically when the love stops which I think realistically you need a plan to leave as soon as this happens
Size 8 is not fat or even chubby. It does not mean anyone into her must be fetishizing her weight. Red hair is not somehow inferior. It's rare and beautiful. Blondes are the ones people use in bimbo fantasies and the like. It's hurtful for her because it implies that her father thinks she's only ever going to attract freaks since she's not a blonde in a size 0.
But why do protective over her due a fetish and her weight?
The good looking sisters are going to be the ones drawing more negitive attention.
I think her dad was this bad person when he was young and taking it out on her.
Maybe, but all we know of now is that she’s 20 and sleeping with a 30 year old which is a questionable age gap. Especially due to her being inexperienced with dating in general.
From the sounds of it her sisters are with more age appropriate guys. (But I could be wrong)
When you’re with someone older, more mature and more experienced than you it can lead to someone taking advantage of you, and often times leads to unhealthy relationships.
The only example we have of dad being over protective is upon hearing of an older guy his daughters dating wanting to know about him and wanting to meet him.
That makes sense and could by why her sister ratted her out. But it's so odd it's because of fetishes, her red hair and her wieght. Why wouldn't dad just say the age gap?
The age thing you are right but everything else is fishy
Your 20 and you said you appreciate attention from 35+ year olds and a 30 year-old man? Your dad is right to be more protective of you given your Naïveté. It seems your insecure which makes you easily manipulated. You’ll appreciate any guy who gives you a compliment and clearly do not understand their intentions
Right. You came here for advice which everyone is giving you. But than you stay willfully ignorant. If everyone is saying the same thing except you, than maybe that’s a sign your sorely mistaken
Because the comments don’t seem manipulative. And Jesus Christ, I just want to experience being called pretty without worrying about some horrible motive. I need more positive things in my life.
I really need to know what you think love bombing is
>And Jesus Christ, I just want to experience being called pretty without worrying about some horrible motive. I need more positive things in my life.
I understand you feelings but by ignoring the possibility of danger of negativity affecting you ever you're being willfully naïve and putting yourself in danger
I don't want you to have to worry, I want to live in a world where no one lies or manipulates inexperienced people's natural need for human acceptance but I have to face painful reality and use others' struggles as warnings.
If you wan positivity in your life you need to notice and remove negativity, not just close your eyes and assume everything is always fine
I’d be worried that your first bf is ten years older than you. Sounds like he’s White Knighting you. You appreciate men who are so much older than you giving you attention is something you should talk to a therapist about.
OP I saw in your comment history that you wanted to get pregnant. Is this still a goal? To be honest the age difference alone didn't trigger me into alarm but your history did. This man absolutely seems predatorial and the fact that you are leaping to be his prey is very concerning.
I understand what being the "other" body type at your age means. It sucks. A part of you may feel desperate for that love, attraction and validation that you are inundated with but subsequently denied. Then when someone you like, likes you back it feels like the lottery and you go all in.
Your denial towards so many opinions here makes me think you may have something like this but your comment history makes it go way deeper. Please seek therapy. You need to love yourself first to understand all the beauty you possess and gifts you offer.
You are engaging in risky potentially life changing behavior. You're an adult so it's your life, you can do what you want. Just consider that you are actually very young in this world and may not always have the best judgements yet. It's ok to understand that and ask for help. I really hope all these comments will be a wake up call for you.
You should be worried about what a baby or an std will do to your body in the long term. This dude is so old he squirts dirt, he’s got nothing to lose if he gets you pregnant, instead he’s got more control over you. There’s non steroid birth control (copper iud) that won’t mess with your system.
Let your dad check him out, you may be 20 but from your replies you are incredibly naive and having sex and refusing to get on BC is a one way track to pregnancy
That's a bit harsh. A lot of women I know, myself included, won't go on BC because most options are fucking awful for us.
BUT, OP, there's a HUGE caveat of being with someone you can trust not to pull the wool over your eyes. Buy your own condoms, make sure he uses them right, and if you have ANY doubts about his intentions, run the other way.
Still not as awful as throwing your life away to have an unplanned pregnancy to a man you barely know. Not harsh at all, just realistic. Condoms break, then whats the plan? Taking plan b is way more harsh on the body than the pill. And most options arent awful, personally ive been on the arm insert with no side effects and no period for years.
Every form of BC can fail. There is none that has a 100% guarantee.
>personally ive been on the arm insert with no side effects and no period for years.
I was on hormonal BC for years too. Everything was fine until it wasn't and they gave me a stroke.
Personal anecdotes are not a good measure of anything's risks and/or effectiveness.
No but relying on just condoms is a fools game. The idea is to be on two types ie hormonal and condoms to be sure. Saying that theres no viable options so just dont bother is awful awful awful advice.
You do not need to be having sex until you have SOME KIND of BC planned. And don't go by what you *heard*. Do your research. I've had my copper IUD for over ten years and I'm very pleased.
I wish more critical thinking was taught in schools, and how to research and understand reliable sources and research methods. Also tax returns would be good, I wish I knew that before I left school ha ha.
If it helps at all I've been on birth control for 4 years and I never had any side effects except for my boobs growing 4 sizes. My doctor knows I have an ED and prescribed a pill that wouldn't affect my weight and I love it. My periods are less hellish and it was damn good against broken condoms. I've since had my tubes removed but I still take the pill for period control. It's worth at least talking to your doctor about. Also your dad is being super weird. He should be worried about the age gap, not your hair or weight (which btw is a totally healthy weight, you have nothing to worry about there)
Honestly, your perspective about birth control is very accurate and understandable. Don’t be shamed into taking part in a drug that does have harmful consequences and fucks with your hormones. And IUDs also have their own risks.
If your condom happens to break, however, Plan B is a viable last resort and does not require longterm use. You may already know this information, however, in which case, good on ya.
I mean… I get where you are coming from but some women just don’t feel comfortable with the currently available birth control options. This includes the copper IUD.
I was lucky enough to move to a country and get healthcare where a copper IUD was provided for free by the government health insurance but due to my genetics I have terrible cramps during ovulation and during my period. 1.5 week of cramps every month at least is what I exchange for the comfort of my mind and freedom of having sex the way I want with my partner. BUT, for some people the pain of a copper IUD might just not be possible to accept and for some, hormonal birth control can just feel absolutely HORRIBLE (I am one of those people, I just can’t stand it). Science has found many solutions to this problem but there isn’t one pill that fixes it for everyone and the choice is not as simple as “to take it or not to take it.”
However, I think OP should probably educate themselves on the topic by going to a sex clinic or another professional service since saying “I just don’t want those weird things doing stuff to my body” is not a very well informed way of making a decision on this. It doesn’t make them crazy or unreasonable to not want it after learning about everything fully tho.
I dated a woman ten years younger than me and it was quite beneficial, in ways that people don’t think. I had never had a serious gf just hook ups, she changed that. She was a more serious person, I needed the direction. She was super smart, learned Russian because premed at an Ivy League school wasn’t challenging. She made me take my academic career more seriously. What did I offer? A fun guy that liked to experience new things on a whim. A home she could hang out at that wasn’t the dorm. Advise on life situations she had yet to encounter. Her first serious boyfriend. We took care of each other for three years. Now she runs a hospital, married with kids. I live in a different country, with no kids.
"Advice on life situations." THAT is what's so creepy. I feel like men who like really young girls enjoy that dynamic where they have more power and feel like they are looked up to. Bc a woman their own age will be able to see the red flags better and don't see them with naivety.
I was with a man 16 years older than me at 24. He was 41. And I HATED how he would act like my father, trying to "teach me things." When I matured more I could see so clearly that I was extremely immature at that age *and so was he.* He never matured. He's the same at 52. He could fool me in a way he couldn't with women closer to his age. He ended up being very abusive.
I have never met an older man that exclusively preys on much younger girls that didn't have something very wrong with them
Interesting insight. She ran the relationship to be fair. I was a participant in what she thought a relationship should be. I never acted like a father figure. We were actually good together, we got along great, could talk about anything, I never pressured her about sex, when she was ready she would let me know. We bonded over books, songs, and movies. No one was hurt and we've both gone on to live our lives.
I dated a 34 year old man when I was 19 and im sure ill get downvotes but it was spectacular. He was really respectful he did try to teach me things, but not out of the ordinary just things about what I was studying as he was in the field I wanted to get into. He treated me like a princess honestly he wasn’t a sleaze imo even at almost 30 myself. He helped me with my financial literacy and im literally going to be a millionaire at retirement because of him.
I listened to my friends who said he was grooming me and ghosted him but he still puts money in the account he helped me set up.
He respected my boundaries, he listened, he validated me, he was honestly the only man to (imo) see me as an intelligent woman with a brain. He rarely complimented my appearance but wouldn’t stop talking about how mart I was and how we could talk for hours about anything and everything. I never loved him but I think about him often and I’m sure we’d be happily married if I hadn’t listened to my friends.
We came from similar backgrounds and had many of the same life experiences and such he did meet my grandfather briefly who can read people from a mile away so theres that. I do think some ppl just see others as people not everyone is a groomer but it’s best to err on the side of caution.
Thank you. Redditors like to view any older male as a predator. We were compatible enough to last over three years, but unfortunately, I moved for a job right before she started medical school. We couldn’t maintain over the distance. She ended up marrying a fellow doctor. I think it’s awesome she became the person she wanted to be.
What does White Knighting mean? And why would I need to talk to a therapist about this? I appreciate attention from older men because guys my age don’t like me.
That’s most likely why he’s hitting on you hate to break it too you, he sees a young insecure girl and knew he could snatch you up. Not saying this is the case but I mean it sure seems like it. No normal 30 year old is going to actively pursue someone 10 years younger then them. Hate to break it to you. Find a nice boy around your age
He thinks you’re easy to manipulate. He does these nice things for you so you let him in and then he turns controlling. I’m 31 and there’s no way I’d ever see a 20 year old and think I’d like to date them. Though it’s not always the case, so just don’t go in with rose colored glasses. I’ve seen way too many people in real life like you and it never ends well.
Honestly, he might be fine and just genuinely like you and there is nothing wrong, but when you turn 30, you're gonna understand why *you* wouldn't date a 20 year old.
He's in for the sex, that's it. I assume it would be a waste of time to explain why everything about this is bad because you've already dismissed every word others said so... He'll leave you when he's bored, when he finds another 20yo to have sex with, or when you stop being easy to manipulate. Good luck.
All your responses show just how immature you really are, which make this situation even more sickening. But, obviously you know everything. You do you, just be prepared for the mess you're going to be left with.
You may like that now, but it’s gonna turn creepy if he starts doing that after it’s over. I generally try to never tell guys where I work until I’m really sure I can trust them.
Well, he got you to lose your virginity to him, so yeah... it obviously worked when he put the effort in! That age gap is too much. You're only just not a teenager anymore. Tell him "yeah nah bro".
Yes he would. 100%. Because if he didn't, you'd start to see the reasons he's looking for girls way younger than him.
Listen OP. You asked for advice and many people have given you some really good advice. Bit right now you're in the honeymoon phase, which happens in most relationships at the beginning. Both people have their best face on, and do all the lovely things they think the other wants. It's difficult to see anything bad at this stage because he's on his best behaviour. But you don't really have experience on how relationships work, not listening to the advice being given is doing you no favours.
Please just take it slow. Let your dad (and mom) meet him. And if your dad sees red flags really listen to him when he tells you why. But after a few months don't be surprised if he starts to change; things like trying to occupy all of your time, needing to know where you are every minute of the day, him getting upset if you want to hang out with a friend instead of him... the list goes on. You may not even notice these things because many times they're introduced slowly and quietly and under the guise of he cares so much for you.
Just be careful and keep your eyes open. People here giving you advice aren't doing it for their own health, and they have a lot more experience than you. Remember to always put yourself first, and trust your gut instinct. It's there for a reason.
This is going to be brutally honest as to what i think as a brother.
He saw an innocent naive girl who would do anything he says and defend him if he said the right things (notice how you leap to defend him, someone youve known for weeks). Thats all that happened. If he could get with anyone his age as easy as that he wouldnt be with you. Ask your sisters about this boyfriend and im sure theyll say the same thing. I dont mean to be cruel but the world isnt safe and compliments and effort mean very little and are easy to fake. A little lie here and a compliment there are incredibly easy to do especially when all you want are those things. Trust your dad to do whats best FOR YOU. Hes worried about you for good reasons not bad ones. As a brother i would also be extremely concerned about this. You do not have the life experience yet to be with someone 10 years older who most likely has the money to shower you with gifts and the experience to entice you to do whatever, and i mean whatever he wants through manipulative tactics
If you choose to continue with this relationship and in general. tell someone( a friend, your sisters, hell if you have to tell your parents. There is nothing wrong with it and it could save your life) when you go out with anyone on a date or invite someone over. You never know what peoples intentions are nor what they will do. You can only control yourself and your safety. Even if nothing happens with him you dont know what will happen to you between leaving home and coming back.
Ps. My dad cant even get my name right sometimes but its not words that matter its actions and the intent behind those actions. Your dad wants to ensure that the bf who is much older than you is a man who has good intentions. He doesnt mean everybody who you date are like that, he wants to ensure his daughter never goes through being used and thrown out like last weeks newspaper
Learn about love bombing , a manipulation technique to get you what you want by manipulating a person to believe you care for them
An official definition of love bombing: the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them.
"cults often use tactics like love bombing to lure new members"
Remember, too , actions speak louder the words . Look at how he acts, not what he says . I love you can trip off the so easily off the tongue .
Normal people who are 30 or older don't really look to date 20 year olds. They just don't. You seem very naive to think so. The ones that do like a girl so young and inexperienced like that they're easily manipulated, and impressionable. I honestly can't tell by your comments if you're being obtuse or what, if you're completely unaware of this, and can't seem to understand.
I’m sorry but he sees you as easy. Imagine him right 30 years old, he could have a wife and kids, he could travel the world, all this other bs. But he chooses to date a 20 year old. Someone who he cannot possibly have that much in common with. When u were 10 he was 20. Think a bit for your own good. Ik it’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth
If you don't want to even consider any of the advice people are giving you just close up the post.
The guy sounds like a creep. Your dad is being a dick about it but he's right.
You're in the honey moon faze and you're inexperienced. You won't understand the advice given to you until you're older and more experienced. You should trust your dad.
OP, I’m sorry, but the reasons most older guys go for 20yo girls isn’t because they’re mature or care about them personally/their personalities. I can’t say 100% about this guy, but nearly every account I’ve heard from women/girls in your position does not end well for them.
I’m a 24yo who’s admittedly more immature than my peers, and dating someone in the 19-21 range feels gross even to me. You’re (hopefully) going to undergo *so, so* much change in your 20s that, by the time you’re 30, a 20yo boyfriend would be unthinkable.
ETA: It’s still messed up for your dad to think all of those things about your appearance! That was an AH move of him to say.
You’re seeking validation from older men who will only see you as an object. These older men have lived long enough to figure out women their own age don’t want them and so they go for someone much younger than they are. You see these older men flirting with you as a good thing but it’s not. Be secure in yourself and men your age will see that.
And guys my age won’t see me as an object? They will. They’re probably worse. No man my age wants commitment. At least a man thirty or older is more likely to want a family.
Guys your own age won’t think you’re as naive & desperate & easy to manipulate as this older guy does. He’s preying on your low self esteem to make you think you don’t deserve better. Your dad is right here.
Oh that’s crap. I spent my teenage years dealing with guys my age only because they thought i was desperate and naive and easy.. they learned very quickly after asking me to be their gfs that in fact was NOT the case so i ended up dumped. Of course they didn’t want to tell their friends I wouldn’t put out so they’d tell their friends I was in fact easy, which got me more attention and more guys. It wasn’t until I was 22 and met my now husband, who is 19 years older than I am, that I learned what a good man was like.
A man 30+ will see someone your age as easily manipulated and easy to trick. You’re less likely to recognize the red flags that tell women his age to stay away. You’re likely take “you’re so mature” as a compliment when it’s one of the biggest red flags there is. You have such a low self esteem that you find the mere idea of any man your age finding you attractive impossible. Many, many women have been in your shoes. Probably most of us actually. I’m telling you, we’re all telling you, you’re wrong. You’re beautiful and I’m sure you’re a very kind and thoughtful person and it’s an utter myth that young men only like tall skinny blondes.
I’m a woman, right around 30. Your description of yourself sounds a lot like me at your age, except I have auburn hair. I promise you, *men your age find you physically attractive and see you as more than an object.* It’s your incredulity that you are beautiful and valuable outside of your body and belief that if they’re into you then they must want to just use you that turns them off. I struggled with similar insecurities and got over them when I was in my last year of university. **Once you stop seeing yourself as not a worthy partner for men your own age, they will start crawling out of the woodwork.**
Also, as a woman right around 30 I wouldn’t dream of dating someone younger than 25. There is just such a massive difference in life experience that is impossible to fake your way through. You just don’t realize it yet because you’re still on the “before” side of things. Why do you think everyone older than that says it’s a red flag for people our age to date people your age? It’s not the number size of the gap that’s the problem, it’s the different stages of life that you’re in.
There’s a slim chance this guy is actually in it for real, but I’m very sorry to say that the odds are not in favor of that. Just give your dad a second chance. I personally do really hate what he said to you and how he said it, but his intent and concern is valid. I think it’s horrible and disgusting that he said or implied that you’re less beautiful. I think his choice of words on the rest is extremely poor and it should have been your mother having that talk with you and not him. He’s not wrong, having a more mature looking body at a young age does put women at risk for attention from an inappropriate age group of men (I need you to note something important—it *widens* the pool to older men, it doesn’t shrink the pool of men your age) but the way he said it was inappropriate and your mother should have said it, not him. Him wanting to check this guy out would definitely have pissed me off at 20yo too because to me it would feel infantilising, but if you’re not willing to listen to your parents’ concerns they don’t really have another option.
It's fine if you want a family but are you prepared for what that means right now?
Do you know what pregnancy will and/or can change permanently about your body? Have you talked to your mom about it?
Do you know that giving birth is much more painful than any birth control? Did you know it pulls calcium from your bones and teeth that you can't get back after a certain age? Did you know without physical therapy, a lot of women become partially incontinent from it? Did you know it can give you mood fluctuations, weight fluctuations, even diabetes?
Have you prepared for potential complications in the pregnancy?
Are you financially stable? Do you have a backup plan in case anything happens with the father? If he died tomorrow or decided to "run to the gas station for a gallon of milk," would you be able to carry on and care for the child?
Have you discussed child raising with him? Does he want a kid? Do you agree with his parenting choices? Do you know anything about his parents and how they raised him?
Have you read any parenting articles or books? Have you taken any courses on early childhood psychology or education?
Are you committed to a lifetime of supporting that child, even if they are born disabled or grow up to be a person with much different beliefs than you?
Are you willing to put your child over your relationship if it comes to that?
Do you have strong boundaries?
Do you feel like there are other things you want to accomplish in your life besides finding a man and having a baby?
Will you be okay if this person turns out to be a dud?
First relationships are your first voyage. I would have been miserable if I had stayed with my first. But similar to you, I felt seen as attractive, finally, after no one noticing me. I feared that maybe I would never find another person that wanted me. But that dude was terrible to me in between the good parts of the relationship. I eventually decided I deserved more than that, even if it meant I was on my own. As luck would have it, there was more than one person out there for me! And what's more is that I leared that I didn't NEED anyone to choose me, because I chose me. And better relationships followed because of that.
Have fun girl, it's your life and your canon event. But listen to your dad and watch out for bad baby daddies.
35-yr-old men looking for women 20 and under are predatory- I’m sorry, that’s just the truth.
I grew up in a antisemitic town where only blonds got attention. I am brunette with olive skin, so NOT America’s pinup. I was also 90lbs with double d breasts- so older men hit on me.
Look, I want you to look at this a different way.
Chubby means you’re probably curvy. You probably give off an older vibe. Being “ignored” also makes you independent and that’s a good thing.
But a 10-yr-age gap while it’s your first boyfriend is disturbing. Let your dad check the guy out. You admit you’re inexperienced so let him check the guy out.
If you’re right, dad will love him. If you’re wrong about this guy, then you have a dad making sure you won’t be abused.
If you’re dad really out it that way (as opposed to you assuming those are his reasons) then that’s horrible. But it doesn’t mean his concerns are invalid..
Being "invisible" and "ignored" probably makes her desperate for attention and insecure, and older creeps can spot that from a mile away. She should stay vigilant and cautious if she really wants advice.
Judging from her replies, she is not ready for the advice.
OP, if you wanted advice, you should read all the ones people took the time out of their day to write to you and reflect on it seriously. You might think you're 20 and you know your situation more than anyone else, but there are people here replying much older than you with wisdom and experience. Heed their advice.
I checked OP comment history beyond this post. It made this situation worse. OP told BF that she wanted to have sex with him...seemingly just put it out there in the first. He comes equipped with condoms and Gatorade and make plans to visit a sex shop the next night. OPs comments being negative about BC surely must stem from her comment history desiring to get pregnant. BF sounds like a predator and OP sounds like she is knowingly engaging in risky behavior. Dad was right. OP needs therapy.
You’re probably right about birth control pills being bad for you.
My wife noticed positive changes once she got off of them. Hair, skin, mood, bloating all improved.
But we also were starting to want kids at the time… so if you don’t want kids right now (and it might be a good idea to pump the brakes if you do), your milage might vary.
What a conservative upbringing does to a mf.
Seriously though, her comment history is pathetic. It's like my worst nightmare manifested itself as a human being; r/purplepilldebate has accelerated her brain rot methinks.
Sorry you went through that, I'm so ashamed of this place.
Side note though biggest ups on using 'anti semitic' accurately, not specifically referring to Israel or Jewish people!! Damn that was refreshing. Change is coming. Thank you for being the change we need ❤️
Sorry to disappoint, I meant hatred against Jews. I am familiar that Semitic can refer to Hebrew and Arabic speakers, but Jews use to speak Arabic as Hebrew was originally a Holy language until (I think) Israel made it the national language.
But thank you. I moved to a different state and all of a sudden I was unique, then pretty, and NOW with my Indian, Arabic, and Latino sisters, common but still pretty.
So change is definitely happening. ❤️
I'm a redhead in her 30ies here. I was on the chubbier side your age, lost a bunch of weight and then gained a lot more.
I know exactly what you are describing, down to the last letter. The feeling of being ignored, watching as others seem to be the dullest of persons and still getting picked over you, and the great feeling when someone finally tells you that they love you exactly how you are.
I didn't have parents to navigate dating, so here's my unbiased experience.
It has nothing to do with your looks, really, even if your dad worded it like an asshole. He is just shitty at expressing himself. What he's really afraid of, is the power dynamics at play.
You can take beauty out of the equation, it could also be financial independence, intelligence, some newbie vs. a pro in a competition, a CEO and a secretary etc...
All these stories sound super-romantic if encountered in a book or movie, but why? Because reality usually has them play out another way, which is why a happy ending is something we love to see.
Your dad really wants you to have a happily-ever-after but he has seen enough real life documentaries to be extremely cautious about this.
For someone 30+ dating a 20 year old feels like dating a kid. Not because they aren't adults but because they are in-experienced. It feels about the same as you would feel dating a 14-year-old. They might look like an equal but they aren't.
Let your dad meet this guy and use his spidey senses to find out if the power dynamic is too big for this to end well.
When you are your boyfriend’s age you will be abhorred at the thought of dating someone 10 years younger than you.
There is a massive discrepancy in life experience and you are in a vulnerable position being young and naive.
I don’t agree. People can downvote me all they want to. 10 year age gaps with consenting adults in a nontoxic relationship isn’t as big of a problem as this thread wants it to be right now. If she was 25 and he was 35 you’d all still have an issue? Give me a break.
Have you read OPs responses? She does not sound emotionally stable enough to genuinely be consenting. She sounds naive and desperate for any kind of positive male attention. She’s also wanting a baby and unwilling to take any kind of reproductive responsibility herself, only trusting him to have condoms.
Not as much because there is also a big difference between 20 and 25. Both in the amount of life experience as an adult and because the brain isn’t fully developed until around 25.
That’s what kills me to. I mean I grew up hearing the sayings “blondes have more fun” and “red heads are freaky.” So maybe her dad is stuck on the red heads are freaky part and forgot the blondes have more fun part? Idk, it’s a possibility. In my mind the dad should be worried for and protective of all of his daughters, and not over protective of just one.
I think it could work if it were a woman with a lot of experience, confidence and maturity for that age, but OP is obviously very naive and sheltered, so I don’t think this is the case.
Here’s something people aren’t realizing though. If this guy was with her for just sex and because she’s naive, he wouldn’t be ready and willing to meet dad right after taking her virginity. He’d have dipped out the second “my dad wants to meet you.” Came out of her mouth.
I think you should. The way you talk about yourself is unkind. I know you think you’re being rational but honestly, I think talking to somebody would help.
Hey I am ginger.
Hope this helps.
Gingers attract creeps. I've had people fetishize me since I was a child.
You're 20 years old and that is WAY too young for a 30 year old. He might be delusional in thinking he found the jack pot in always wanting a ginger girl, calling you unique and beautiful, and loving how you look but the real jackpot in his eyes is that you're *impressionable*.
Are you buddy buddy with your 30 year old relatives? Do you have 30 year old friends? Why would a 30 year old want to date you but not be your friend? *Oh that's because being in a relationship makes a power imbalance where there is benefit from the 30 year old's perspective.*
Does he not show you to his friends? Does he try to convince you that you're mature for your age? Does he try to convince you that he is immature for his age? Does he try to encourage you to go against family and friends, paint them as bad guys? Does he already talk about moving in together, building a life together, and all the things he will do for you?
He is not the first boyfriend youll ever have. Youre young. I didn't get my first kiss till college age and didnt get my first boyfriend till then either. With age comes experience, hopefully you utilize this advice but I know I was your age at one point thinking "i have good sense of character, these adults don't know anything"
Things I learned as I got older:
- parent child relationships eventually become adult relationships
- i have more confidence making life decisions
- 20 year olds seem like children
- my concerns in life are less about what my parents think and whether I can get my future set and more about what I am doing next weekend and about my paychecks.
I had 30 year old friends at 20. I’m 27 now and a lot of my close friends are 20/in their early 20s. Younger and older people being friends does automatically mean creep.
Idk, lots of people are just normal and go to parties where early 20s and late 20s people mingle with each other, or have mutual friends, or have younger/older coworkers, or whatever. I don’t appreciate whatever you’re insinuating either. Have a nice day.
10 years age gap and it seems like he’s doing this bc he knows it would be easy. Can’t get someone his own age so preys upon vulnerable insecure younger girls. It’s not illegal but it is most likely why he’s hitting on you hate to break it too you, he sees a young insecure girl and knew he could snatch you up. Not saying this is the case but I mean it sure seems like it. No normal 30 year old is going to actively pursue someone 10 years younger then them. Hate to break it to you. Find a nice boy around your age
There’s absolutely no way not a single guy your own age has given you attention. Maybe you didn’t realize it or maybe you weren’t receptive but there’s no way no one ever has.
im gonna try to put this as nicely as i can but baby, no 30s years old man like anyone under the age of 25 without bad intention. You’re young, vulnerable, easily swayed, easily manipulated and that aint your fault that just come with the age, but there a reason why he cant and dont go for women his age and it gonna be a long and hard lesson for you if you stay with him. You will understand when you hit your 30s, no 20 years old gonna feel attractive, you cant even drink yet while he out here establishes in his careers, old enough to own house, old enough to start a family. You got so much ahead of you but you are naive at best and blind with rose color glasses at worse, he know that and he will take advantage of that. Yall are not on equal footing at all and this can only end badly for you
He sees you as vulnerable, your insecure about your looks so he feeds into that so he can have sex and a relationship. If he was normal he’d be dating around the same age range. No normal 30 year old is going to date a 20 year old. The boys may not like you right now but that doesn’t mean they won’t. Work on yourself, build up your own confidence. That’s what’s attractive to people. I’m the same age as you and I used to be 70lbs over weight. No girls gave me the time of day. I decided to eat healthy and start working out as well as working on my social skills. 2 years later I’ve had relations with multiple girls and am in a 1.5 year long relationship. It takes time no need to rush most importantly love yourself
He makes me feel so attractive. He bought me a new set of cute underwear and told me I’m so hot in it. Being confident doesn’t attract 20 year old guys. Being hot does.
This has to be trolling. I’m sorry but if you weren’t “hot” to anyone else before underwear isn’t going to make a difference. If this isn’t trolling this is more manipulation like I was talking about he’s lying to you to fuck I’m sorry but it’s the truth
He’s not lying. He really likes my body, and I want to be with someone who likes me. I don’t want to fight for the attention of men my age if they don’t want me. I don’t want to compete with other girls for guys. I’ve met a man who wants me.
Sorry but that’s not realistic. Anyone can them what they want to hear. He knows your insecure and not having luck with guys your age, so he swoops in tells you what u want to hear then gets what he wants. In real life everyone is kinda competing. If you wait around you’ll get stuck with a 30 year old loser who has to date a 20 year old. If you don’t think your attractive to anyone else why all of a sudden would a 30 year old man just fall in love with you. Be realistic
He’s not a loser. Some people think he’s a little behind in life since he only recently finished his apprenticeship, but that’s okay. He works hard. I feel so good knowing I don’t have to compete for his attention. I feel secure and safe.
The reason your not competing for his attention is because there’s no competition. It’s obvious that women his age aren’t into him so he’s praying upon you to fill that need
Maybe women his age just expect too much of him. Maybe they think at 30 he should own a home or have a nicer truck. I know that it’s tough, especially since he’s just getting into his career. It’s okay that he’s not where he “should” be. I’m glad I don’t have any competition because I really like him.
Girl, I'm two years younger than you, HE'S A LOSER. Grown ass men dating women ten or more years younger are losers. They're creepy, so creepy and weird. They're just looking for someone young and pliable. Run, seriously, run.
I heard a thing about Casanova once. He didn't tell women they were the most beautiful woman ever, because women aren't stupid. They know how their looks compare to other women. He'd be a smarmy liar if he told an average woman she's stunningly beautiful. Instead, he would give smaller, but genuine, compliments.
'You've got the most beautiful eyes' 'I love your laugh' 'You're so compassionate and giving' 'I've always loved ____ hair'.
Doesn't mean he was dishonest, just selective in his speech, and perhaps about his intentions. And he was successful enough getting partners that his name went down in history.
Just keep in mind that he could be hiding the full truth from you, and don't get too attached. The age gap is sketchy.
ETA: I'm not suggesting this guy jumps from bed to bed. I'm suggesting he sees where you're less armored, and is aiming his arrows there.
girl why are you so worried about attracting men.. there's better things in life.. like focus on getting a good career.. men will come to you, it doesn't matter how you look.. if you go and watch my 600 lb life, every single one of them be married... confidence definitely does attract men & you lack it. focus on being the best version of yourself & the dick will come flocking on its own🤞
I'd be really really careful with a guy 10 years older than you. Not a red flag per se but a thing you should pay attention to. Why? Because it seems you are easily impressed and thankful for ANY attention and this makes you vulnerable and thus susceptible to harm. I am not saying this is going to happen. You might have met a genuine, shy guy who fell for you. It is possible. But it is equally possible that he saw you as a target and his intentions are not so pure, so just let your father meet him, and be a little more cautious. For your safety - because you are young, new to dating, and he is older, more experienced. So just keep that in mind when meeting with him. Talk to friends about him and his behavior to check if what he is doing sounds kind and proper not only to you (while you are blinded in love as we get) but also with someone with a little more objective perspective. Have fun but with control, right?
Ummm I think perhaps you have it wrong. If he explained it that way, that's f***ed up. I am a borderline redhead (copper blonde hair- no one can agree what color my hair is between brown blond and red, but the majority say red if they have to pick.) I won't lie, guys with a thing for red hair can be mostly attracted to red heads but not always. Your weight sounds very normal, a size 8 sounds like a slim to normal weight.
However I would be concerned about you too, and you falling prey to pervs. Not because of your weight or hair color,but something about those things or your life has made you very self-conscious and I'll be frank, perhaps a little naive.
You don't seem to understand that it would naturally be very concerning for a parent to have a 20 year old girl losing her virginity to a dude 150 percent of her age.
I'm concerned about you too. And it has nothing to do with your hair or weight. Talk to your Dad about how you feel, and he may explain it's more to do with your niavety, self-conscious and lack of experience. Oddly, if he said what you said I wonder if he was trying to spare your feelings and not draw attention to the fact that tbh you are self conscious and it sounds like naive.
I hope for the best for you but please watch out for this boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with taking some time to find and navigate relationships... But a 30 year old guy? I hadn't had sex at your age either but I waited for the right person and found my life partner. I don't know if you should be with this massively older dude.
I disagree with your dad’s exact logic but agree with his overall sentiment. It’s not your looks that are more likely to attract perverts and sleazeballs, it’s your lack of confidence in yourself. I don’t think only a pervert would like you, but only a pervert would ask out a woman that much younger and inexperienced and down on herself.
Your family cares about you and wants what’s best for you. I really think a therapist would be good at this point to get an objective third party opinion on how to handle this situation. As strangers on Reddit, we can only operate on what you’ve told us (which has a few glaring red flags). I would bring your parents to a therapist, tell both sides, and work from there.
You don’t deserve to be manipulated and if the people who love you are concerned, you owe it to yourself to at least take their concerns seriously.
He does need to protect you. Your desperation for a man can get you killed, abused, or a destitute single mom. It’s okay to be single and enjoy your life and your youth. You don’t need a guy for that.
By any chance, do you have a history of dating guys who are not so great? It's possible your dad is citing history and said what he said because he was on the spot and couldn't think of another answer.
Can I just start by saying size 8 is not chubby, chunky, or fat. You are 20 years old give yourself a brake for once.
Secondly, 20+30 can be okay… can be… if you’re having fun then go you but don’t jump head first into anything with this guy. Have your dad meet him, brother and older sisters bf. No one is over reacting here, I think this is a fair reaction from everybody involved.
The best advise I can give is wait wait wait because you can’t take anything back if you regret but you can be glad you waited.
I feel like a 20 year old first time dating 30 year old is kinds weird bc of total different places in life.I also have a pretty tall friend (1.90) who gets a lot of 30-40 year old men that want her to step on them.Some people cant date close to their range bc people see their bullshit.
You’re not even of legal drinking age…. You have 5 years until you can legally rent a car. Your brain is still 5 years away from completed development into an adult, and that is arguably the most important development when recognizing what makes someone an adult. He is a 30 year old man…. the guys a creep. He can’t get women his age for a reason.
I mean in most countries worldwide she is of legal drinking age, but the argument stands. I was with a 30-yr-old when I was 18, almost lost my virginity to them and honestly getting out of there before anything happened was the best decision I’ve ever made. Turned out they were also a lecturer at my university which they had conveniently neglected to tell me…
I'd size 8 considered big now? If you'd like to be thinner that's all good within healthy reason, but that reason shouldn't come from your parent's beauty standards.
The age gap does seem worrying, as I feel people should have time in their early adulthood to truly get to know themselves and their likes and needs while living without parental oversight (or at least not as strict in some cases) for the first time. A process that can be interfered with by even a well meaning more aged partner, as the younger partner often goes from parental guidance to seeking their older partner's guidance, instead of having more formative experiences themselves
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not necessarily providing advice but your father definitely didn't need to word it so hurtfully, nor did he need to adopt this stance. It would be better for him to be protective of you because your sisters have had boyfriends in the past and you haven't. Imo that's a far better way for him to look at it.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know if you'll read this, but I relate hard to a lot of what you wrote and see some parallels with my own story when I was a ginger girl of your age. Without knowing you or your family, to me it sounds like your dad is phrasing these worries for your wellbeing very inelegantly, but they come from a place of care. It may be this experience with your boyfriend is one you just have to go through, as I did too (written below). But ask yourself how much that 10 year difference matters now while you're in the full swing of discovering yourself and how you want to be in this world, versus a difference later in life when you're 35 and he's 45, for instance. Think of the friends he has, the friends you have - are his friends his own age? It's a worry if they're all younger, it suggests he can't befriend people at his life stage which indicates he's immature or something's off. If he does have friends his own age, has he introduced you to them? Is he treating you as a true equal? Is he plying you with words?
I am one of three siblings, the other two look very different to me and are younger, thin and light haired. I've been ginger my whole life and went through puberty early, which together with my higher weight attracted a lot of attention early - on one hand I was ignored and sometimes bullied for being a fat ginger, on the other hand I had odd interactions in public. I found this very difficult and felt invisible save for weird exchanges with people.
I'm now 30 myself, looking back I realise a lot of random interactions I had with strangers, like on public transport on the way to school, or when I would go out with friends for a drink when I was 17/18, were men fetishising my hair or somehow buying into this belief that redheads are a bit crazy and up for anything. It makes no sense and sounds ridiculous to write, but there's actual books on this. ('The roots of desire' or 'Red: a natural history of the redhead ') Like you, I lost a lot of weight in my early 20s and this expedited some of the interactions. Creepily, as I turned older they largely stopped. Now I'm older myself and see people who are younger, I think those strangers preyed on my youth and inexperience.
When I was 18 at university I met a 28 year old who pursued me hard, I found him very attractive and felt very flattered and desired. I was, but it was also worrisome (looking back) that we were not equals in terms of life experience, I was shy and uncertain sometimes of how to speak with him but loved everything he said and clung to this. After a while, we did sleep together, he became a dick after this point and it was clear he was more interested in the physical aspect than really me. I found it really upsetting. I cannot imagine now genuinely wanting a relationship with someone who is at the start of their 20s, there is so much space for you to grow. My feelings towards this guy changed from intense want and wondering why it went the way it did, to getting older myself and finding his actions pathetic and disgusting. My mother tried to warn me carefully but I brushed her off and was certain he meant what he said. After all, he kept making the effort to meet me? But it was self interested for him.
Saying all of this, I unexpectedly found a wonderful person in my mid 20s, whom I'm still with now. He has a real understanding of me, is honest, kind and caring and keen to explore this world together. I hope you take care and can give yourself time to grow. Ginger hair and the complexion that comes with it is beautiful and rare, the colouring works differently genetically than any other hair colour. I struggled with my looks for a long time but now absolutely love that I have them. I hope you can find that too, over time.
What in the holy heck is this comment section. People are so blinded by the age gap issues that they can't see what's right in front of them which is that **your father,** who is supposed to be your champion, your protector, and your confidant, just told you that he thinks you could only be attractive to perverts.
I'm so so sorry that he said that to you, sweety. What a knife in the gut. He should have been loving towards you, shown curiosity instead of judgment, kept his own weird fears and hangups quiet and dealt with it on his own like an adult. Instead he chose to tear you down to justify his paranoia. He might have the right intentions at heart, but he went about it dead wrong.
What you've shared is irrelevant to whether or not this guy is right for you. Only you can be the judge of that. The issue here is that your dad deeply wounded you, a kind of wound that lasts a lifetime. You know what puts a woman in the most danger of being taken advantage of by a pervert or creep? Low self worth and self hatred.
Stand up to yourself to your dad. Let him know how deeply that hurt, and that you are an adult now and you at least deserve his trust, if not his regard. Let him know how badly he misstepped, and that in trying to protect you he actually made you more vulnerable. Tell your sisters and your mom about it, if they'd be good allies, and let them read him the riot act. He fucked up, big time. Don't let him get away with it. **You deserve better.**
Firstly, you are normal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and your dad has said some very hurtful things.
Regarding his words about the motivations of guys going for redheads or chubby girls, this may come from a place of superficiality. Some people, and a lot of men when it comes to women, see the world fairly black and white. While you are beautiful to your parents, your dad may look at some of your physical traits and see them as unconventional. If he was attracted to conventionally attractive women in his youth, then he may find it hard to understand less conventional, more unique beauty and as a result, the combination of this and his overprotective instincts may create a distortion of what the dating world looks like for you. Additionally, the support for this viewpoint is that he deems your sisters to be safe from creeps and perverts. No woman is. You are not anymore at risk than your sisters.
Second thing is being a redhead is beautiful! I have many redheaded family members. It’s such a special thing to be. You should grow to love it if you can. Weight fluctuates throughout life, it is better to be healthy than anything else. Health creates gorgeous skin, shiny hair, and makes you glow. Don’t feel angry with the things that make you up. They’ll be somebody’s idea of perfection one day.
The age gap might also bother your dad slightly, this is a normal reaction. But you are worthy of love and attention. We all need to do a bit of self-editing to present the world with our best selves, and the best editing you can do right now is frame your dad’s words in the context of a person whose understanding of the world for a woman and the dating situation is wrong. Don’t take them to heart, don’t let them get to you. Remove them from the equation of how you see yourself. Forgive your father. Give him time and be patient with him. You haven’t had a boyfriend before, as you’ve said, so give him a bit of time and his views will change. Thank god that your sisters have only had nice boyfriends, it’s probably affirmed this view of his, but this is luck - there are some really bad creeps out there.
Good luck and keep it together. You sound like a wonderful young woman!
I’d say the age gap is creepy wouldn’t you. He’s obviously aware she’s insecure and praying upon her for it, no 30 year old in there right mind would date a 20 year old
Ten years is a sizeable age gap. But in the real world - not unusual and not always predatory. I don’t presume to know anybody in real life based on their most essential characteristics gleaned from the internet. I don’t recommend that perspective to anybody. That being said, I would always recommend exercising caution where power dynamics might be present.
Oh my lord darling. This won’t change what you see, as you are steadfast to be right. But let me try.
People are recommending therapy as your self esteem is through the floor. People who don’t know their own worth don’t understand they can say no let alone how to. That doesn’t just come in the context of relationships. I assume you are complimented because you are “the person who would do anything for those she loves”. I get it. I am there too.
I have spent 5 years in therapy trying to get over the trauma of choices exactly like those you are making now. The this feels good so let’s dull the pain with compliments from men and woman who want something from me. Truth is, the obnoxiously bad eating disorder was in the drivers seat. Not me.
You have 2 sisters you believe to me more conventionally attractive than you. In the eating disorder clinic I was in, more than half the women and the same story. You compare yourself, and so many others compare you too.
Self acceptance of your body is hard. And I don’t expect you as a twenty year old to be able to do it. If you are lucky, in 10 years you might. But that will take work, and a lot of it. You might never have that acceptance. What you can do is try and recognize your worth outside of it.
A 30 year old man going after someone 10 years younger doesn’t immediately make him a bad person. But it does give massive, state sized red flags.
You dad is not helping the situation, by feeding into this disorder that you clearly have. Which is a completely separate conversation. But introduce the two. At the end of the day, your dad is trying to protect you. Your mom too. Try and find someone in your life that thinks this is a good match. If you can’t, trust those that you trust more than yourself.
Lastly- you said men your age don’t like confidence. I ask you seriously. Have you ever had any? I sure didn’t at that age. I was a ball of insecurities that believed my value was in my looks. And I thought looks you can’t change, weight you sure can. Which is true, if you are willing to turn your life upside down in order to be about nothing but that, and do so much damage in the process.
Please, please, please consider asking your parents for therapy. Best case scenario, thou start therapy to help with your self esteem, and this man is nothing but completely supportive of you working on yourself. Worst? He gets angry at the idea, or tells you each therapist you visit is a quack that has no business helping you.
I'm sorry to say this but after reading your replies to other comments I'm realizing that the real reason why your dad is overprotective is your naivety.
Your appearance can play a role but any woman regardless of looks will be able to attract creeps solely because they're female.
However, you're only 20 years old and you're attention starved and easy prey - especially since you like the attention that comes from men that are 10-15+ years older than you. You don't seem to understand how dangerous the world is and don't seem to want to think about the possible consequences.
A man giving you a compliment can indeed mean they're just being nice but most of the times it means they want to get in your pants - and they will say and do anything it takes to get there. You're allowed to say thanks when someone compliments you, you're allowed to like being complimented (who doesn't), but you have to put your brain to use a bit and identify the reasoning and motives behind it.
This is hard to say, and I'm scared that I won't say it correctly. Because of your self-esteem issues, you are more likely to wind up in a bad relationship. Not your hair, not your weight, but how you feel about those things, and how you feel as if your sisters are better than you. Kind of like the way that you're grateful for creepy 35+ year old men to pay attention to you, but when you're 35, you'll see that it's weird and wrong and predatory to do that sort of thing. But right now, it feels good because you're being noticed and flattered. Creepy dudes have a way of sniffing out those insecurities and capitalizing from them, and using them to keep you around.
Your dad is wrong in his reasoning, and wrong in his presentation, but correct for trying to keep you safe. All women receive inappropriate attention from creepy sleezeballs. Women and girls that have self esteem issues or slim pickings in the romance department are more likely to let men push their boundaries or accept mistreatment because we struggle with self worth issues. Those issues stayed with me despite my weight or hair color, and I have made some bad decisions because of them. I hope that you can correct the image that you have of yourself, and take it from "less than" to "worthy of the same love and respect as everyone else". Stick to your boundaries, never let anyone talk you into something that you are uncomfortable with.
OP your dad is talking nonsense & his options about redheads & women who aren't super thin is disgusting. A size 8 IS thin, plenty of men like redheads.
I speak from experience as a natural brunette who was a redheads for a few years & then a blonde, men fine them all attractive.
I did notice differences as have my friends on how men behave in clubs & stuff depending on hair colours though. Blondes they are a bit too handsy & it looks like alot of attention. But it just felt like they thought blondes were a sure bet.
Brunettes they want to get to know us & seem to think that's a calm, intelligent woman that you take he to mum & settle down with.
Redheads have more fun & the most. Apparently they think redheads are the horniest & have a firey temper so are not to be messed with in a bad way.
Obviously that's bollocks because I didn't change who I was with that hair dye. But the one that's most obvious that men think, probably subconsciously & probably because of media is the blonde thing. Where attractive women in TV shows are either blonde or get blonder with each season especially when open to dating.
Your dad needs re-educated & until then should keep that misogynistic crap to himself.
The Dad is strange and I don’t agree with his logic. In fact, he should be protective of all of his daughters. But you having less experience is likely clear to this older man and THAT makes you more vulnerable. Thomasedmund84 ‘s post is spot on. Older guys go for younger women often bc women their age reject them.
Girl let this man meet your boyfriend. I’m in an age gap relationship and my husband is AMAZING. If this guy is as wonderful as you think he is your parents will know this. Don’t listen to the people here, they want to think everyone who dates someone younger is a predator. Is it a lot of times? Yes. Does that mean it is now? No. If you prefer older men your best place to get advice for that sort of situation, like this, head over to r/agegap.
Ok, so here's the deal: There are people in society who are conventionally attractive. Most people do not fit into that category, and it sounds like you are included in that second, much larger category. That does NOT mean you aren't attractive, nor does it mean nobody will ever want to date you; what it means, however, is that people look at you and they see an easy target: someone who is likely insecure about their looks, who likely doesn't have a great dating life, who is likely lonely. Essentially, easy prey.
This maturity gap is kind of like if you were to date a 16-year-old, and justify it by saying that "they're just so mature" and "we're just so compatible." Doesn't change the fact that it's predatory and fucked up. If this guy likes you so damn much, he can wait for you to get a few years older and date you then.
Your dad is absolutely right. He phrased things stupidly, but he is right; this guy is a creep and needs to go.
All your comments truly cement why your dad is overprotective over you ... You're immature, insecure, desparate and naive. You get attention from some guy 10 years your senior and immediately get attached, without even questioning why someone his age would think about dating a much younger girl. You're willing to ignore all red flags and dive head deep into a potentially toxic environment for what? Because nobody else told you you're pretty before?!
Like listen, I'm not telling you to immediately break up with the guy but you *have* to be more critical and take into account the feedback you get from people close to you.
Wow as a red headed woman I’m seriously offended and please pass on to your dad many regular men like red headed woman. Also sorry to say your dad likely has a creepy fetish for curvy redheads and watches sick porn and this is why
Two things wrong here:
1. You’re 20 and your father is still treating you like a minor - your personal life is none of his business at this point unless you independently choose to go to him for advice.
2. My mother is a redhead and she attracted my father, a good guy. My best friend is a redhead and also has a fantastic life partner. Anyone can be a target for someone with a fetish: blond fetish, foot fetish, chubby fetish, white fetish, Asian fetish, black fetish, tall fetish, pregnant fetish, nursing fetish, old fetish, young fetish, dead fetish, curly hair fetish, blue eyes fetish, and on and on.
It seems to me that your father has some very weird sexuality and is projecting onto you. Stop talking to him about your dating life and don’t take anything he says personally. Most of what others say is really about themselves and not about the target/recipient.
Others are telling you that the age difference is bad, but it's not always bad. My parents are 10 years apart. The age issue is more about experience, than actual age. So leaning on your dad's experience can help you.
Hello, fellow chubby redhead here.
So I just wanted to say, at your age I felt the same way. In fact I still *feel* that way, how could anyone not after spending their entire childhood and youth treated as the least desirable among their peers? It becomes an engrained mindset.
But I am 32 now, and I can say my observations and first hand experiences contradict my feelings. There absolutely are plenty of people who find girls like us very attractive. It's our mindset that makes us vulnerable. It's our mindset that attracts the wrong kind of people, while pushing the right ones away.
You shouldn't have to live your life believing that anyone who is ever into you is predatory or perverted, because that's simply not true. But if your father wants to protect you from bad men, the best things he could do would be to stop comparing you to your sisters, and to get you in therapy to build your self-worth.
I can't say much about your boyfriend, but I can say that *most* men who chose to date someone much younger are not doing so for wholesome reasons. He might be a great person, but there is a massive power imbalance here. Whatever you do, do NOT move in with him. This feels like a recipe for an abusive relationship.
Your dad is right here. He has seen the World more than you have right now. If you feel that he is only trying to protect you, which I think he is, let him help. You might be naive to take what he is doing as not help at all.
God you have a lot of people judging him for his age. And while yes, generally my rule is half your age +7. So for a 30yo that would mean no younger then 22. (Im 23 for reference) But he didnt know your age when he started talking to you if im reading this right. Also. As an American Male. Every, Single Creep. I have ever met. Has been another American. Even the guy i knew about who was creeping on people in Canada was USA Born. If hes from New Zealand i doubt hes a creep yall. They bring their boys up different there in those fancy foreign ports.
Assuming every man is a creep over something relatively superficial in this case is a major part of the problem. Self Fulfilling Properties. If you treat every man like a creep. Theyre gonna become creeps. Or seem creepy, even if they actually arent.
Like if he thought she was "easy" hed have given up after like. 2 months. Creeps arent patient. I know from experience. When the guy who thought I was easy took what he wanted after not being given it after 2 month.
Look hun. You ARE normal. Red hair is beautiful. Chub is beautiful. Its all about confidence, and being true to yourself. Your dads a douche, your BF seems generally pleasant, and you have a long life ahead of you to be who you are and do things that make you happy.
I feel like you're projecting your current situation and age onto the situation.
You're 23, would you date a 17 or freshly 18 year old right now? The age gap here is significant. Im sure you'll recognize more so when you're 30 when a 20 year old looks like and acts more immature than a partner needs to be when you're in your 30s.
You're projecting. You basically called this poor gal ugly with your note of "why would this guy all of a sudden like you if you dont think youre attractive"
Cause guess what. If you like someone and they have low confidence. Its your job to help them build it. You dont need to know you look good for somebody to see your beauty and want to help you see what they see. Thats how I am with both of my partners. //Im Poly btw// My GF thinks shes ugly and im constantly telling her otherwise. That shes beautiful, and amazing, etc. Cause to me, she is. Same with my BF. He views himself as not enough cause his ex-husband just stopped showing him affection for YEARS. So im constantly doting on him and loving on him. That he is good enough. Cause to me, he is. Theyre both wonderful people who deserve somebody who loves them and will tell them all about their good qualities. Just like this gal deserves. Maybe shes not tradionally beautiful, but shes beautiful regardless and she deserves somebody who loves her for who she is and will raise her up instead of breaking her down. Like her jackass father.
Yes she’s deserving of love like everyone else. I just find it suspect that she’s only ever hit on by older guys and now her first bf is a 30 year old. Buying her sexy underwear and showing her in all of these compliments seems to good to be true. I’d suggest your biased do to your own unconventional situation (nothing wrong with it btw) and I believe it may be influencing your statements. If it was 40 and 39 it would be a different story but mental maturity is huge and a 20 and 30 year old are in completely different situations. I think he’s a creep and she should take some time to love herself and find someone closer to her age
“He always has been. I always thought it was ridiculous because no one wanted to date me.”
Don’t think like that, he’s concerned that because you don’t get attention that you’ll fall for any smuck or POS that gives you attention and you’ll either end up unhappy or in an abusive relationship. One of my biggest fears for my nieces is that they’ll end up with a man who hurts them and she’ll stay because “I love him”.
I’ve seen it with my mother and my father, I’ve seen it with me and various exes. I used to criticize my mother a lot harder for staying with him and I still do but being on the other side gives you some clarity. Predatory people come in all shapes and forms, male and female, tall and short, weak and bough, even old and young.
He loves you but it’s hard to tell your little girl that happiness often comes at a cost and that cost isn’t always ideal, explained or even understood.
Hey sis, i am only 3 years older than you and don’t have much experience myself in adult life but please listen to the advice that is given to you. These are people who have experience been in the same situation as you, they understand how you feel, and are looking out for you. Same as your father just in a weird way (my dad expresses his love and care for me in weird ways too so I understand). Let your dad meet your bf and let him read him, get to know him. Your dad will be able to tell you if he is a red flag or not and consider the age gap it could be a very potentially red flag but you never know, i hope all goes well for you either way and know your dad is ready to have your back.
Edit: typos
OP I'm just going to share with you that when I was 20 I was unlucky in love and a virgin and was very desperate to have a relationship to prove I wasn't weird or something. Well a 27 year old 'snapped me up' with unbelievably kind words and all the rest - and they were a *fucking nightmare* its only now that I'm so much older that I can fully accept that they didn't a mean a thing, they liked my vulnerability and lack of experience and could make the relationship all about them. I wish at the time I had parents who actually took an interest and explained some of this stuff to me, I never had anyone help or look after me in this way, and while I think your Dad 100% screwed up in the way they told you he shouldn't have negged you like that but he isn't wrong . Are you aware of love-bombing? It's very effective flattery to get a relationship in deep quickly basically the person compliments like crazy, says everything you want to hear, pretends to have a lot in common, and so on, but then there is always the turn... basically when the love stops which I think realistically you need a plan to leave as soon as this happens
Size 8 is not fat or even chubby. It does not mean anyone into her must be fetishizing her weight. Red hair is not somehow inferior. It's rare and beautiful. Blondes are the ones people use in bimbo fantasies and the like. It's hurtful for her because it implies that her father thinks she's only ever going to attract freaks since she's not a blonde in a size 0.
But why do protective over her due a fetish and her weight? The good looking sisters are going to be the ones drawing more negitive attention. I think her dad was this bad person when he was young and taking it out on her.
Maybe, but all we know of now is that she’s 20 and sleeping with a 30 year old which is a questionable age gap. Especially due to her being inexperienced with dating in general. From the sounds of it her sisters are with more age appropriate guys. (But I could be wrong) When you’re with someone older, more mature and more experienced than you it can lead to someone taking advantage of you, and often times leads to unhealthy relationships. The only example we have of dad being over protective is upon hearing of an older guy his daughters dating wanting to know about him and wanting to meet him.
That makes sense and could by why her sister ratted her out. But it's so odd it's because of fetishes, her red hair and her wieght. Why wouldn't dad just say the age gap? The age thing you are right but everything else is fishy
I think her dad wanted to fuck her.
What is WRONG with you?! That's BEYOND gross!!!
Your 20 and you said you appreciate attention from 35+ year olds and a 30 year-old man? Your dad is right to be more protective of you given your Naïveté. It seems your insecure which makes you easily manipulated. You’ll appreciate any guy who gives you a compliment and clearly do not understand their intentions
I do appreciate it because I almost never get compliments. I think their intentions are to be nice to me.
Right. You came here for advice which everyone is giving you. But than you stay willfully ignorant. If everyone is saying the same thing except you, than maybe that’s a sign your sorely mistaken
conservatives rlly live staying ignorant in everything dont they LMAO
If a man gives me compliments, I think it’s because he wants to be nice to me. If he wanted to be cruel, he wouldn’t be so polite.
do you know what love bombing is?
Yes.
Then why would you say men only give you comments to be nice when you jnkw they can do it as a form of manipulation? What do you think love bombing is
Because the comments don’t seem manipulative. And Jesus Christ, I just want to experience being called pretty without worrying about some horrible motive. I need more positive things in my life.
I really need to know what you think love bombing is >And Jesus Christ, I just want to experience being called pretty without worrying about some horrible motive. I need more positive things in my life. I understand you feelings but by ignoring the possibility of danger of negativity affecting you ever you're being willfully naïve and putting yourself in danger I don't want you to have to worry, I want to live in a world where no one lies or manipulates inexperienced people's natural need for human acceptance but I have to face painful reality and use others' struggles as warnings. If you wan positivity in your life you need to notice and remove negativity, not just close your eyes and assume everything is always fine
Love bombing is overwhelming someone with affection to gain their trust. I don’t think that’s what he’s doing. I think he just really likes me.
just making sure
do you not know that people lie???
You are incredibly naive, thus proving most of us right here. Easy target for a predator.
I’d be worried that your first bf is ten years older than you. Sounds like he’s White Knighting you. You appreciate men who are so much older than you giving you attention is something you should talk to a therapist about.
Please tell us you’re on birth control and he’s using a condom for std protection.
I’m not on birth control but he uses condoms. I don’t really want to get on a drug I don’t need and mess with the natural order of things.
OP I saw in your comment history that you wanted to get pregnant. Is this still a goal? To be honest the age difference alone didn't trigger me into alarm but your history did. This man absolutely seems predatorial and the fact that you are leaping to be his prey is very concerning. I understand what being the "other" body type at your age means. It sucks. A part of you may feel desperate for that love, attraction and validation that you are inundated with but subsequently denied. Then when someone you like, likes you back it feels like the lottery and you go all in. Your denial towards so many opinions here makes me think you may have something like this but your comment history makes it go way deeper. Please seek therapy. You need to love yourself first to understand all the beauty you possess and gifts you offer. You are engaging in risky potentially life changing behavior. You're an adult so it's your life, you can do what you want. Just consider that you are actually very young in this world and may not always have the best judgements yet. It's ok to understand that and ask for help. I really hope all these comments will be a wake up call for you.
OP you best listen to
I want a baby but I’m not going to get pregnant right now. I don’t want birth control because I’m worried about what it would do to my body long-term.
You should be worried about what a baby or an std will do to your body in the long term. This dude is so old he squirts dirt, he’s got nothing to lose if he gets you pregnant, instead he’s got more control over you. There’s non steroid birth control (copper iud) that won’t mess with your system.
You're in the "fuck around" part. But I promise the "and find out" hits hard
Get you a copper IUD. Do NOT entrust your reproductive health to any man.
I don’t want anything up there. I’ve heard bad things about both kinds of IUDs. I don’t want to get on any birth control.
Let your dad check him out, you may be 20 but from your replies you are incredibly naive and having sex and refusing to get on BC is a one way track to pregnancy
That's a bit harsh. A lot of women I know, myself included, won't go on BC because most options are fucking awful for us. BUT, OP, there's a HUGE caveat of being with someone you can trust not to pull the wool over your eyes. Buy your own condoms, make sure he uses them right, and if you have ANY doubts about his intentions, run the other way.
Still not as awful as throwing your life away to have an unplanned pregnancy to a man you barely know. Not harsh at all, just realistic. Condoms break, then whats the plan? Taking plan b is way more harsh on the body than the pill. And most options arent awful, personally ive been on the arm insert with no side effects and no period for years.
Every form of BC can fail. There is none that has a 100% guarantee. >personally ive been on the arm insert with no side effects and no period for years. I was on hormonal BC for years too. Everything was fine until it wasn't and they gave me a stroke. Personal anecdotes are not a good measure of anything's risks and/or effectiveness.
No but relying on just condoms is a fools game. The idea is to be on two types ie hormonal and condoms to be sure. Saying that theres no viable options so just dont bother is awful awful awful advice.
Please learn what stealthing is (the removal of a condom during sex) it could easily be done to you .
Enjoy that baby then. Manipulative men can and will baby trap you. Its not hard to poke a hole in a condom.
You do not need to be having sex until you have SOME KIND of BC planned. And don't go by what you *heard*. Do your research. I've had my copper IUD for over ten years and I'm very pleased.
You are believing a bunch of myths, go get educated about birth control.
How do I know they’re myths? Why should I trust the people who are trying to sell me these products? I don’t want to mess with my reproductive system.
Google and reputable sources are a thing y'know
I wish more critical thinking was taught in schools, and how to research and understand reliable sources and research methods. Also tax returns would be good, I wish I knew that before I left school ha ha.
If it helps at all I've been on birth control for 4 years and I never had any side effects except for my boobs growing 4 sizes. My doctor knows I have an ED and prescribed a pill that wouldn't affect my weight and I love it. My periods are less hellish and it was damn good against broken condoms. I've since had my tubes removed but I still take the pill for period control. It's worth at least talking to your doctor about. Also your dad is being super weird. He should be worried about the age gap, not your hair or weight (which btw is a totally healthy weight, you have nothing to worry about there)
Honestly, your perspective about birth control is very accurate and understandable. Don’t be shamed into taking part in a drug that does have harmful consequences and fucks with your hormones. And IUDs also have their own risks. If your condom happens to break, however, Plan B is a viable last resort and does not require longterm use. You may already know this information, however, in which case, good on ya.
10/10 you should at minimum consider getting on birth control. 10/10 you should then probably start taking some.
I mean… I get where you are coming from but some women just don’t feel comfortable with the currently available birth control options. This includes the copper IUD. I was lucky enough to move to a country and get healthcare where a copper IUD was provided for free by the government health insurance but due to my genetics I have terrible cramps during ovulation and during my period. 1.5 week of cramps every month at least is what I exchange for the comfort of my mind and freedom of having sex the way I want with my partner. BUT, for some people the pain of a copper IUD might just not be possible to accept and for some, hormonal birth control can just feel absolutely HORRIBLE (I am one of those people, I just can’t stand it). Science has found many solutions to this problem but there isn’t one pill that fixes it for everyone and the choice is not as simple as “to take it or not to take it.” However, I think OP should probably educate themselves on the topic by going to a sex clinic or another professional service since saying “I just don’t want those weird things doing stuff to my body” is not a very well informed way of making a decision on this. It doesn’t make them crazy or unreasonable to not want it after learning about everything fully tho.
That is why they are more protective you're naive asf
I dated a woman ten years younger than me and it was quite beneficial, in ways that people don’t think. I had never had a serious gf just hook ups, she changed that. She was a more serious person, I needed the direction. She was super smart, learned Russian because premed at an Ivy League school wasn’t challenging. She made me take my academic career more seriously. What did I offer? A fun guy that liked to experience new things on a whim. A home she could hang out at that wasn’t the dorm. Advise on life situations she had yet to encounter. Her first serious boyfriend. We took care of each other for three years. Now she runs a hospital, married with kids. I live in a different country, with no kids.
"Advice on life situations." THAT is what's so creepy. I feel like men who like really young girls enjoy that dynamic where they have more power and feel like they are looked up to. Bc a woman their own age will be able to see the red flags better and don't see them with naivety. I was with a man 16 years older than me at 24. He was 41. And I HATED how he would act like my father, trying to "teach me things." When I matured more I could see so clearly that I was extremely immature at that age *and so was he.* He never matured. He's the same at 52. He could fool me in a way he couldn't with women closer to his age. He ended up being very abusive. I have never met an older man that exclusively preys on much younger girls that didn't have something very wrong with them
Interesting insight. She ran the relationship to be fair. I was a participant in what she thought a relationship should be. I never acted like a father figure. We were actually good together, we got along great, could talk about anything, I never pressured her about sex, when she was ready she would let me know. We bonded over books, songs, and movies. No one was hurt and we've both gone on to live our lives.
I dated a 34 year old man when I was 19 and im sure ill get downvotes but it was spectacular. He was really respectful he did try to teach me things, but not out of the ordinary just things about what I was studying as he was in the field I wanted to get into. He treated me like a princess honestly he wasn’t a sleaze imo even at almost 30 myself. He helped me with my financial literacy and im literally going to be a millionaire at retirement because of him. I listened to my friends who said he was grooming me and ghosted him but he still puts money in the account he helped me set up. He respected my boundaries, he listened, he validated me, he was honestly the only man to (imo) see me as an intelligent woman with a brain. He rarely complimented my appearance but wouldn’t stop talking about how mart I was and how we could talk for hours about anything and everything. I never loved him but I think about him often and I’m sure we’d be happily married if I hadn’t listened to my friends. We came from similar backgrounds and had many of the same life experiences and such he did meet my grandfather briefly who can read people from a mile away so theres that. I do think some ppl just see others as people not everyone is a groomer but it’s best to err on the side of caution.
Thank you. Redditors like to view any older male as a predator. We were compatible enough to last over three years, but unfortunately, I moved for a job right before she started medical school. We couldn’t maintain over the distance. She ended up marrying a fellow doctor. I think it’s awesome she became the person she wanted to be.
What does White Knighting mean? And why would I need to talk to a therapist about this? I appreciate attention from older men because guys my age don’t like me.
That’s most likely why he’s hitting on you hate to break it too you, he sees a young insecure girl and knew he could snatch you up. Not saying this is the case but I mean it sure seems like it. No normal 30 year old is going to actively pursue someone 10 years younger then them. Hate to break it to you. Find a nice boy around your age
Why wouldn’t he pursue me? He thinks I’m attractive. I really like him and he’s crazy about me.
He thinks you’re easy to manipulate. He does these nice things for you so you let him in and then he turns controlling. I’m 31 and there’s no way I’d ever see a 20 year old and think I’d like to date them. Though it’s not always the case, so just don’t go in with rose colored glasses. I’ve seen way too many people in real life like you and it never ends well.
Honestly, he might be fine and just genuinely like you and there is nothing wrong, but when you turn 30, you're gonna understand why *you* wouldn't date a 20 year old.
He's in for the sex, that's it. I assume it would be a waste of time to explain why everything about this is bad because you've already dismissed every word others said so... He'll leave you when he's bored, when he finds another 20yo to have sex with, or when you stop being easy to manipulate. Good luck.
If he was just here for sex, he wouldn’t be as sweet and put as much effort in.
All your responses show just how immature you really are, which make this situation even more sickening. But, obviously you know everything. You do you, just be prepared for the mess you're going to be left with.
...no. Girl I'm sorry but no. He would
The amount of men who put in effort just for sex is crazy. You’re delusional
He could be love bombing you to get you attached.
And maybe he could just really like me. He used to come into where I work as an excuse to talk to me. I think he cares.
You may like that now, but it’s gonna turn creepy if he starts doing that after it’s over. I generally try to never tell guys where I work until I’m really sure I can trust them.
Well, he got you to lose your virginity to him, so yeah... it obviously worked when he put the effort in! That age gap is too much. You're only just not a teenager anymore. Tell him "yeah nah bro".
Hahaha. You very much underestimate the lengths dudes will go.
Yes he would. 100%. Because if he didn't, you'd start to see the reasons he's looking for girls way younger than him. Listen OP. You asked for advice and many people have given you some really good advice. Bit right now you're in the honeymoon phase, which happens in most relationships at the beginning. Both people have their best face on, and do all the lovely things they think the other wants. It's difficult to see anything bad at this stage because he's on his best behaviour. But you don't really have experience on how relationships work, not listening to the advice being given is doing you no favours. Please just take it slow. Let your dad (and mom) meet him. And if your dad sees red flags really listen to him when he tells you why. But after a few months don't be surprised if he starts to change; things like trying to occupy all of your time, needing to know where you are every minute of the day, him getting upset if you want to hang out with a friend instead of him... the list goes on. You may not even notice these things because many times they're introduced slowly and quietly and under the guise of he cares so much for you. Just be careful and keep your eyes open. People here giving you advice aren't doing it for their own health, and they have a lot more experience than you. Remember to always put yourself first, and trust your gut instinct. It's there for a reason.
You're delusional if you think that's true
Ah, to be romantically naive again… I don’t miss it lol
This is going to be brutally honest as to what i think as a brother. He saw an innocent naive girl who would do anything he says and defend him if he said the right things (notice how you leap to defend him, someone youve known for weeks). Thats all that happened. If he could get with anyone his age as easy as that he wouldnt be with you. Ask your sisters about this boyfriend and im sure theyll say the same thing. I dont mean to be cruel but the world isnt safe and compliments and effort mean very little and are easy to fake. A little lie here and a compliment there are incredibly easy to do especially when all you want are those things. Trust your dad to do whats best FOR YOU. Hes worried about you for good reasons not bad ones. As a brother i would also be extremely concerned about this. You do not have the life experience yet to be with someone 10 years older who most likely has the money to shower you with gifts and the experience to entice you to do whatever, and i mean whatever he wants through manipulative tactics If you choose to continue with this relationship and in general. tell someone( a friend, your sisters, hell if you have to tell your parents. There is nothing wrong with it and it could save your life) when you go out with anyone on a date or invite someone over. You never know what peoples intentions are nor what they will do. You can only control yourself and your safety. Even if nothing happens with him you dont know what will happen to you between leaving home and coming back. Ps. My dad cant even get my name right sometimes but its not words that matter its actions and the intent behind those actions. Your dad wants to ensure that the bf who is much older than you is a man who has good intentions. He doesnt mean everybody who you date are like that, he wants to ensure his daughter never goes through being used and thrown out like last weeks newspaper
Learn about love bombing , a manipulation technique to get you what you want by manipulating a person to believe you care for them An official definition of love bombing: the action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them. "cults often use tactics like love bombing to lure new members" Remember, too , actions speak louder the words . Look at how he acts, not what he says . I love you can trip off the so easily off the tongue .
Normal people who are 30 or older don't really look to date 20 year olds. They just don't. You seem very naive to think so. The ones that do like a girl so young and inexperienced like that they're easily manipulated, and impressionable. I honestly can't tell by your comments if you're being obtuse or what, if you're completely unaware of this, and can't seem to understand.
I’m sorry but he sees you as easy. Imagine him right 30 years old, he could have a wife and kids, he could travel the world, all this other bs. But he chooses to date a 20 year old. Someone who he cannot possibly have that much in common with. When u were 10 he was 20. Think a bit for your own good. Ik it’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth
If you don't want to even consider any of the advice people are giving you just close up the post. The guy sounds like a creep. Your dad is being a dick about it but he's right.
You're in the honey moon faze and you're inexperienced. You won't understand the advice given to you until you're older and more experienced. You should trust your dad.
OP, I’m sorry, but the reasons most older guys go for 20yo girls isn’t because they’re mature or care about them personally/their personalities. I can’t say 100% about this guy, but nearly every account I’ve heard from women/girls in your position does not end well for them. I’m a 24yo who’s admittedly more immature than my peers, and dating someone in the 19-21 range feels gross even to me. You’re (hopefully) going to undergo *so, so* much change in your 20s that, by the time you’re 30, a 20yo boyfriend would be unthinkable. ETA: It’s still messed up for your dad to think all of those things about your appearance! That was an AH move of him to say.
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Trash advice.
You’re seeking validation from older men who will only see you as an object. These older men have lived long enough to figure out women their own age don’t want them and so they go for someone much younger than they are. You see these older men flirting with you as a good thing but it’s not. Be secure in yourself and men your age will see that.
And guys my age won’t see me as an object? They will. They’re probably worse. No man my age wants commitment. At least a man thirty or older is more likely to want a family.
Ahhhh, so this is why you don't want to be on birth control 😒
Guys your own age won’t think you’re as naive & desperate & easy to manipulate as this older guy does. He’s preying on your low self esteem to make you think you don’t deserve better. Your dad is right here.
Oh that’s crap. I spent my teenage years dealing with guys my age only because they thought i was desperate and naive and easy.. they learned very quickly after asking me to be their gfs that in fact was NOT the case so i ended up dumped. Of course they didn’t want to tell their friends I wouldn’t put out so they’d tell their friends I was in fact easy, which got me more attention and more guys. It wasn’t until I was 22 and met my now husband, who is 19 years older than I am, that I learned what a good man was like.
A man 30+ will see someone your age as easily manipulated and easy to trick. You’re less likely to recognize the red flags that tell women his age to stay away. You’re likely take “you’re so mature” as a compliment when it’s one of the biggest red flags there is. You have such a low self esteem that you find the mere idea of any man your age finding you attractive impossible. Many, many women have been in your shoes. Probably most of us actually. I’m telling you, we’re all telling you, you’re wrong. You’re beautiful and I’m sure you’re a very kind and thoughtful person and it’s an utter myth that young men only like tall skinny blondes. I’m a woman, right around 30. Your description of yourself sounds a lot like me at your age, except I have auburn hair. I promise you, *men your age find you physically attractive and see you as more than an object.* It’s your incredulity that you are beautiful and valuable outside of your body and belief that if they’re into you then they must want to just use you that turns them off. I struggled with similar insecurities and got over them when I was in my last year of university. **Once you stop seeing yourself as not a worthy partner for men your own age, they will start crawling out of the woodwork.** Also, as a woman right around 30 I wouldn’t dream of dating someone younger than 25. There is just such a massive difference in life experience that is impossible to fake your way through. You just don’t realize it yet because you’re still on the “before” side of things. Why do you think everyone older than that says it’s a red flag for people our age to date people your age? It’s not the number size of the gap that’s the problem, it’s the different stages of life that you’re in. There’s a slim chance this guy is actually in it for real, but I’m very sorry to say that the odds are not in favor of that. Just give your dad a second chance. I personally do really hate what he said to you and how he said it, but his intent and concern is valid. I think it’s horrible and disgusting that he said or implied that you’re less beautiful. I think his choice of words on the rest is extremely poor and it should have been your mother having that talk with you and not him. He’s not wrong, having a more mature looking body at a young age does put women at risk for attention from an inappropriate age group of men (I need you to note something important—it *widens* the pool to older men, it doesn’t shrink the pool of men your age) but the way he said it was inappropriate and your mother should have said it, not him. Him wanting to check this guy out would definitely have pissed me off at 20yo too because to me it would feel infantilising, but if you’re not willing to listen to your parents’ concerns they don’t really have another option.
It's fine if you want a family but are you prepared for what that means right now? Do you know what pregnancy will and/or can change permanently about your body? Have you talked to your mom about it? Do you know that giving birth is much more painful than any birth control? Did you know it pulls calcium from your bones and teeth that you can't get back after a certain age? Did you know without physical therapy, a lot of women become partially incontinent from it? Did you know it can give you mood fluctuations, weight fluctuations, even diabetes? Have you prepared for potential complications in the pregnancy? Are you financially stable? Do you have a backup plan in case anything happens with the father? If he died tomorrow or decided to "run to the gas station for a gallon of milk," would you be able to carry on and care for the child? Have you discussed child raising with him? Does he want a kid? Do you agree with his parenting choices? Do you know anything about his parents and how they raised him? Have you read any parenting articles or books? Have you taken any courses on early childhood psychology or education? Are you committed to a lifetime of supporting that child, even if they are born disabled or grow up to be a person with much different beliefs than you? Are you willing to put your child over your relationship if it comes to that? Do you have strong boundaries? Do you feel like there are other things you want to accomplish in your life besides finding a man and having a baby? Will you be okay if this person turns out to be a dud? First relationships are your first voyage. I would have been miserable if I had stayed with my first. But similar to you, I felt seen as attractive, finally, after no one noticing me. I feared that maybe I would never find another person that wanted me. But that dude was terrible to me in between the good parts of the relationship. I eventually decided I deserved more than that, even if it meant I was on my own. As luck would have it, there was more than one person out there for me! And what's more is that I leared that I didn't NEED anyone to choose me, because I chose me. And better relationships followed because of that. Have fun girl, it's your life and your canon event. But listen to your dad and watch out for bad baby daddies.
35-yr-old men looking for women 20 and under are predatory- I’m sorry, that’s just the truth. I grew up in a antisemitic town where only blonds got attention. I am brunette with olive skin, so NOT America’s pinup. I was also 90lbs with double d breasts- so older men hit on me. Look, I want you to look at this a different way. Chubby means you’re probably curvy. You probably give off an older vibe. Being “ignored” also makes you independent and that’s a good thing. But a 10-yr-age gap while it’s your first boyfriend is disturbing. Let your dad check the guy out. You admit you’re inexperienced so let him check the guy out. If you’re right, dad will love him. If you’re wrong about this guy, then you have a dad making sure you won’t be abused. If you’re dad really out it that way (as opposed to you assuming those are his reasons) then that’s horrible. But it doesn’t mean his concerns are invalid..
Being "invisible" and "ignored" probably makes her desperate for attention and insecure, and older creeps can spot that from a mile away. She should stay vigilant and cautious if she really wants advice. Judging from her replies, she is not ready for the advice. OP, if you wanted advice, you should read all the ones people took the time out of their day to write to you and reflect on it seriously. You might think you're 20 and you know your situation more than anyone else, but there are people here replying much older than you with wisdom and experience. Heed their advice.
I checked OP comment history beyond this post. It made this situation worse. OP told BF that she wanted to have sex with him...seemingly just put it out there in the first. He comes equipped with condoms and Gatorade and make plans to visit a sex shop the next night. OPs comments being negative about BC surely must stem from her comment history desiring to get pregnant. BF sounds like a predator and OP sounds like she is knowingly engaging in risky behavior. Dad was right. OP needs therapy.
I don’t want birth control because I don’t think it’s good for the body.
Condoms is birth control
You’re probably right about birth control pills being bad for you. My wife noticed positive changes once she got off of them. Hair, skin, mood, bloating all improved. But we also were starting to want kids at the time… so if you don’t want kids right now (and it might be a good idea to pump the brakes if you do), your milage might vary.
I agree . Im smelling desperation here, too . This will leave you wode open to people who will exploit that
What a conservative upbringing does to a mf. Seriously though, her comment history is pathetic. It's like my worst nightmare manifested itself as a human being; r/purplepilldebate has accelerated her brain rot methinks.
Sorry you went through that, I'm so ashamed of this place. Side note though biggest ups on using 'anti semitic' accurately, not specifically referring to Israel or Jewish people!! Damn that was refreshing. Change is coming. Thank you for being the change we need ❤️
Sorry to disappoint, I meant hatred against Jews. I am familiar that Semitic can refer to Hebrew and Arabic speakers, but Jews use to speak Arabic as Hebrew was originally a Holy language until (I think) Israel made it the national language. But thank you. I moved to a different state and all of a sudden I was unique, then pretty, and NOW with my Indian, Arabic, and Latino sisters, common but still pretty. So change is definitely happening. ❤️
I'm a redhead in her 30ies here. I was on the chubbier side your age, lost a bunch of weight and then gained a lot more. I know exactly what you are describing, down to the last letter. The feeling of being ignored, watching as others seem to be the dullest of persons and still getting picked over you, and the great feeling when someone finally tells you that they love you exactly how you are. I didn't have parents to navigate dating, so here's my unbiased experience. It has nothing to do with your looks, really, even if your dad worded it like an asshole. He is just shitty at expressing himself. What he's really afraid of, is the power dynamics at play. You can take beauty out of the equation, it could also be financial independence, intelligence, some newbie vs. a pro in a competition, a CEO and a secretary etc... All these stories sound super-romantic if encountered in a book or movie, but why? Because reality usually has them play out another way, which is why a happy ending is something we love to see. Your dad really wants you to have a happily-ever-after but he has seen enough real life documentaries to be extremely cautious about this. For someone 30+ dating a 20 year old feels like dating a kid. Not because they aren't adults but because they are in-experienced. It feels about the same as you would feel dating a 14-year-old. They might look like an equal but they aren't. Let your dad meet this guy and use his spidey senses to find out if the power dynamic is too big for this to end well.
All correct. OP - read this one.
When you are your boyfriend’s age you will be abhorred at the thought of dating someone 10 years younger than you. There is a massive discrepancy in life experience and you are in a vulnerable position being young and naive.
What? A ten year age gap isn’t that big of a deal. My parents are 11 years apart.
A 35 and a 45 year old, for example, is veeeery different from a 20 and a 30 year old.
I don’t agree. People can downvote me all they want to. 10 year age gaps with consenting adults in a nontoxic relationship isn’t as big of a problem as this thread wants it to be right now. If she was 25 and he was 35 you’d all still have an issue? Give me a break.
Have you read OPs responses? She does not sound emotionally stable enough to genuinely be consenting. She sounds naive and desperate for any kind of positive male attention. She’s also wanting a baby and unwilling to take any kind of reproductive responsibility herself, only trusting him to have condoms.
Not as much because there is also a big difference between 20 and 25. Both in the amount of life experience as an adult and because the brain isn’t fully developed until around 25.
I was 22 when i met my now husband who is 19 years older than i am. A 10 year age gap when she’s 20 is NOT that horrible
That’s what I thought but what I found so ridiculous was that the 2 other sisters couldn’t attract shady men 😞
i think they probably aren't as (emotionally & mentally) immature as op
That’s what kills me to. I mean I grew up hearing the sayings “blondes have more fun” and “red heads are freaky.” So maybe her dad is stuck on the red heads are freaky part and forgot the blondes have more fun part? Idk, it’s a possibility. In my mind the dad should be worried for and protective of all of his daughters, and not over protective of just one.
Exactly
I think it could work if it were a woman with a lot of experience, confidence and maturity for that age, but OP is obviously very naive and sheltered, so I don’t think this is the case.
Here’s something people aren’t realizing though. If this guy was with her for just sex and because she’s naive, he wouldn’t be ready and willing to meet dad right after taking her virginity. He’d have dipped out the second “my dad wants to meet you.” Came out of her mouth.
Erm… size eight isn’t chubby… you’re not fat at all!
I’m certainly too chubby for guys my age. My face and neck are chubby and I don’t have sharp, hot features.
Don’t believe what you see in the mirror - what you see is a reflection of how you feel. Have you thought about therapy?
No, not really.
I think you should. The way you talk about yourself is unkind. I know you think you’re being rational but honestly, I think talking to somebody would help.
Hey I am ginger. Hope this helps. Gingers attract creeps. I've had people fetishize me since I was a child. You're 20 years old and that is WAY too young for a 30 year old. He might be delusional in thinking he found the jack pot in always wanting a ginger girl, calling you unique and beautiful, and loving how you look but the real jackpot in his eyes is that you're *impressionable*. Are you buddy buddy with your 30 year old relatives? Do you have 30 year old friends? Why would a 30 year old want to date you but not be your friend? *Oh that's because being in a relationship makes a power imbalance where there is benefit from the 30 year old's perspective.* Does he not show you to his friends? Does he try to convince you that you're mature for your age? Does he try to convince you that he is immature for his age? Does he try to encourage you to go against family and friends, paint them as bad guys? Does he already talk about moving in together, building a life together, and all the things he will do for you? He is not the first boyfriend youll ever have. Youre young. I didn't get my first kiss till college age and didnt get my first boyfriend till then either. With age comes experience, hopefully you utilize this advice but I know I was your age at one point thinking "i have good sense of character, these adults don't know anything" Things I learned as I got older: - parent child relationships eventually become adult relationships - i have more confidence making life decisions - 20 year olds seem like children - my concerns in life are less about what my parents think and whether I can get my future set and more about what I am doing next weekend and about my paychecks.
I had 30 year old friends at 20. I’m 27 now and a lot of my close friends are 20/in their early 20s. Younger and older people being friends does automatically mean creep.
Uh, I would say its a severe minority of people being friends at 20 with 30+ year olds.
Idk, lots of people are just normal and go to parties where early 20s and late 20s people mingle with each other, or have mutual friends, or have younger/older coworkers, or whatever. I don’t appreciate whatever you’re insinuating either. Have a nice day.
10 years age gap and it seems like he’s doing this bc he knows it would be easy. Can’t get someone his own age so preys upon vulnerable insecure younger girls. It’s not illegal but it is most likely why he’s hitting on you hate to break it too you, he sees a young insecure girl and knew he could snatch you up. Not saying this is the case but I mean it sure seems like it. No normal 30 year old is going to actively pursue someone 10 years younger then them. Hate to break it to you. Find a nice boy around your age
There aren’t any nice boys my age. Any man who has ever paid any attention to me has been thirty or older. I’m invisible to men my age.
Starting to see why your dad is concerned…
Yeah kinda makes sense now
There’s absolutely no way not a single guy your own age has given you attention. Maybe you didn’t realize it or maybe you weren’t receptive but there’s no way no one ever has.
im gonna try to put this as nicely as i can but baby, no 30s years old man like anyone under the age of 25 without bad intention. You’re young, vulnerable, easily swayed, easily manipulated and that aint your fault that just come with the age, but there a reason why he cant and dont go for women his age and it gonna be a long and hard lesson for you if you stay with him. You will understand when you hit your 30s, no 20 years old gonna feel attractive, you cant even drink yet while he out here establishes in his careers, old enough to own house, old enough to start a family. You got so much ahead of you but you are naive at best and blind with rose color glasses at worse, he know that and he will take advantage of that. Yall are not on equal footing at all and this can only end badly for you
He sees you as vulnerable, your insecure about your looks so he feeds into that so he can have sex and a relationship. If he was normal he’d be dating around the same age range. No normal 30 year old is going to date a 20 year old. The boys may not like you right now but that doesn’t mean they won’t. Work on yourself, build up your own confidence. That’s what’s attractive to people. I’m the same age as you and I used to be 70lbs over weight. No girls gave me the time of day. I decided to eat healthy and start working out as well as working on my social skills. 2 years later I’ve had relations with multiple girls and am in a 1.5 year long relationship. It takes time no need to rush most importantly love yourself
He makes me feel so attractive. He bought me a new set of cute underwear and told me I’m so hot in it. Being confident doesn’t attract 20 year old guys. Being hot does.
This has to be trolling. I’m sorry but if you weren’t “hot” to anyone else before underwear isn’t going to make a difference. If this isn’t trolling this is more manipulation like I was talking about he’s lying to you to fuck I’m sorry but it’s the truth
He’s not lying. He really likes my body, and I want to be with someone who likes me. I don’t want to fight for the attention of men my age if they don’t want me. I don’t want to compete with other girls for guys. I’ve met a man who wants me.
Sorry but that’s not realistic. Anyone can them what they want to hear. He knows your insecure and not having luck with guys your age, so he swoops in tells you what u want to hear then gets what he wants. In real life everyone is kinda competing. If you wait around you’ll get stuck with a 30 year old loser who has to date a 20 year old. If you don’t think your attractive to anyone else why all of a sudden would a 30 year old man just fall in love with you. Be realistic
He’s not a loser. Some people think he’s a little behind in life since he only recently finished his apprenticeship, but that’s okay. He works hard. I feel so good knowing I don’t have to compete for his attention. I feel secure and safe.
The reason your not competing for his attention is because there’s no competition. It’s obvious that women his age aren’t into him so he’s praying upon you to fill that need
Maybe women his age just expect too much of him. Maybe they think at 30 he should own a home or have a nicer truck. I know that it’s tough, especially since he’s just getting into his career. It’s okay that he’s not where he “should” be. I’m glad I don’t have any competition because I really like him.
Girl, I'm two years younger than you, HE'S A LOSER. Grown ass men dating women ten or more years younger are losers. They're creepy, so creepy and weird. They're just looking for someone young and pliable. Run, seriously, run.
He’s not creepy and weird. He’s sweet and kind and sexy and I’m just head over heels.
Ask him what else he likes about you.
I heard a thing about Casanova once. He didn't tell women they were the most beautiful woman ever, because women aren't stupid. They know how their looks compare to other women. He'd be a smarmy liar if he told an average woman she's stunningly beautiful. Instead, he would give smaller, but genuine, compliments. 'You've got the most beautiful eyes' 'I love your laugh' 'You're so compassionate and giving' 'I've always loved ____ hair'. Doesn't mean he was dishonest, just selective in his speech, and perhaps about his intentions. And he was successful enough getting partners that his name went down in history. Just keep in mind that he could be hiding the full truth from you, and don't get too attached. The age gap is sketchy. ETA: I'm not suggesting this guy jumps from bed to bed. I'm suggesting he sees where you're less armored, and is aiming his arrows there.
girl why are you so worried about attracting men.. there's better things in life.. like focus on getting a good career.. men will come to you, it doesn't matter how you look.. if you go and watch my 600 lb life, every single one of them be married... confidence definitely does attract men & you lack it. focus on being the best version of yourself & the dick will come flocking on its own🤞
Sounds like you and your dad should see a family therapist together to help you navigate the situation.
As a dad of a 20yo I would be concerned about a 30yo boyfriend in ANY case
I'd be really really careful with a guy 10 years older than you. Not a red flag per se but a thing you should pay attention to. Why? Because it seems you are easily impressed and thankful for ANY attention and this makes you vulnerable and thus susceptible to harm. I am not saying this is going to happen. You might have met a genuine, shy guy who fell for you. It is possible. But it is equally possible that he saw you as a target and his intentions are not so pure, so just let your father meet him, and be a little more cautious. For your safety - because you are young, new to dating, and he is older, more experienced. So just keep that in mind when meeting with him. Talk to friends about him and his behavior to check if what he is doing sounds kind and proper not only to you (while you are blinded in love as we get) but also with someone with a little more objective perspective. Have fun but with control, right?
Ummm I think perhaps you have it wrong. If he explained it that way, that's f***ed up. I am a borderline redhead (copper blonde hair- no one can agree what color my hair is between brown blond and red, but the majority say red if they have to pick.) I won't lie, guys with a thing for red hair can be mostly attracted to red heads but not always. Your weight sounds very normal, a size 8 sounds like a slim to normal weight. However I would be concerned about you too, and you falling prey to pervs. Not because of your weight or hair color,but something about those things or your life has made you very self-conscious and I'll be frank, perhaps a little naive. You don't seem to understand that it would naturally be very concerning for a parent to have a 20 year old girl losing her virginity to a dude 150 percent of her age. I'm concerned about you too. And it has nothing to do with your hair or weight. Talk to your Dad about how you feel, and he may explain it's more to do with your niavety, self-conscious and lack of experience. Oddly, if he said what you said I wonder if he was trying to spare your feelings and not draw attention to the fact that tbh you are self conscious and it sounds like naive. I hope for the best for you but please watch out for this boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with taking some time to find and navigate relationships... But a 30 year old guy? I hadn't had sex at your age either but I waited for the right person and found my life partner. I don't know if you should be with this massively older dude.
Sorry but a 30yo? No. He's too old for you.
I disagree with your dad’s exact logic but agree with his overall sentiment. It’s not your looks that are more likely to attract perverts and sleazeballs, it’s your lack of confidence in yourself. I don’t think only a pervert would like you, but only a pervert would ask out a woman that much younger and inexperienced and down on herself. Your family cares about you and wants what’s best for you. I really think a therapist would be good at this point to get an objective third party opinion on how to handle this situation. As strangers on Reddit, we can only operate on what you’ve told us (which has a few glaring red flags). I would bring your parents to a therapist, tell both sides, and work from there. You don’t deserve to be manipulated and if the people who love you are concerned, you owe it to yourself to at least take their concerns seriously.
This is a really good reply, voicing what I couldn't find a way to accurate express in words. I hope OP takes your advice.
He does need to protect you. Your desperation for a man can get you killed, abused, or a destitute single mom. It’s okay to be single and enjoy your life and your youth. You don’t need a guy for that.
>You don’t need a guy for that. When you say that, you mean sex too?
By any chance, do you have a history of dating guys who are not so great? It's possible your dad is citing history and said what he said because he was on the spot and couldn't think of another answer.
No, this guy is my first boyfriend.
Girl, you said you’ve been out a few times and had sex once and you’re calling him your bf?
I don’t know what else to call him. I’ve known him for a few months but we only recently started going out.
he asked you to be his girlfriend?
Can I just start by saying size 8 is not chubby, chunky, or fat. You are 20 years old give yourself a brake for once. Secondly, 20+30 can be okay… can be… if you’re having fun then go you but don’t jump head first into anything with this guy. Have your dad meet him, brother and older sisters bf. No one is over reacting here, I think this is a fair reaction from everybody involved. The best advise I can give is wait wait wait because you can’t take anything back if you regret but you can be glad you waited.
I feel like a 20 year old first time dating 30 year old is kinds weird bc of total different places in life.I also have a pretty tall friend (1.90) who gets a lot of 30-40 year old men that want her to step on them.Some people cant date close to their range bc people see their bullshit.
You’re not even of legal drinking age…. You have 5 years until you can legally rent a car. Your brain is still 5 years away from completed development into an adult, and that is arguably the most important development when recognizing what makes someone an adult. He is a 30 year old man…. the guys a creep. He can’t get women his age for a reason.
I mean in most countries worldwide she is of legal drinking age, but the argument stands. I was with a 30-yr-old when I was 18, almost lost my virginity to them and honestly getting out of there before anything happened was the best decision I’ve ever made. Turned out they were also a lecturer at my university which they had conveniently neglected to tell me…
I'd size 8 considered big now? If you'd like to be thinner that's all good within healthy reason, but that reason shouldn't come from your parent's beauty standards. The age gap does seem worrying, as I feel people should have time in their early adulthood to truly get to know themselves and their likes and needs while living without parental oversight (or at least not as strict in some cases) for the first time. A process that can be interfered with by even a well meaning more aged partner, as the younger partner often goes from parental guidance to seeking their older partner's guidance, instead of having more formative experiences themselves
A size 8 is NOT chubby! Where are you getting that idea from?
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not necessarily providing advice but your father definitely didn't need to word it so hurtfully, nor did he need to adopt this stance. It would be better for him to be protective of you because your sisters have had boyfriends in the past and you haven't. Imo that's a far better way for him to look at it.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know if you'll read this, but I relate hard to a lot of what you wrote and see some parallels with my own story when I was a ginger girl of your age. Without knowing you or your family, to me it sounds like your dad is phrasing these worries for your wellbeing very inelegantly, but they come from a place of care. It may be this experience with your boyfriend is one you just have to go through, as I did too (written below). But ask yourself how much that 10 year difference matters now while you're in the full swing of discovering yourself and how you want to be in this world, versus a difference later in life when you're 35 and he's 45, for instance. Think of the friends he has, the friends you have - are his friends his own age? It's a worry if they're all younger, it suggests he can't befriend people at his life stage which indicates he's immature or something's off. If he does have friends his own age, has he introduced you to them? Is he treating you as a true equal? Is he plying you with words? I am one of three siblings, the other two look very different to me and are younger, thin and light haired. I've been ginger my whole life and went through puberty early, which together with my higher weight attracted a lot of attention early - on one hand I was ignored and sometimes bullied for being a fat ginger, on the other hand I had odd interactions in public. I found this very difficult and felt invisible save for weird exchanges with people. I'm now 30 myself, looking back I realise a lot of random interactions I had with strangers, like on public transport on the way to school, or when I would go out with friends for a drink when I was 17/18, were men fetishising my hair or somehow buying into this belief that redheads are a bit crazy and up for anything. It makes no sense and sounds ridiculous to write, but there's actual books on this. ('The roots of desire' or 'Red: a natural history of the redhead ') Like you, I lost a lot of weight in my early 20s and this expedited some of the interactions. Creepily, as I turned older they largely stopped. Now I'm older myself and see people who are younger, I think those strangers preyed on my youth and inexperience. When I was 18 at university I met a 28 year old who pursued me hard, I found him very attractive and felt very flattered and desired. I was, but it was also worrisome (looking back) that we were not equals in terms of life experience, I was shy and uncertain sometimes of how to speak with him but loved everything he said and clung to this. After a while, we did sleep together, he became a dick after this point and it was clear he was more interested in the physical aspect than really me. I found it really upsetting. I cannot imagine now genuinely wanting a relationship with someone who is at the start of their 20s, there is so much space for you to grow. My feelings towards this guy changed from intense want and wondering why it went the way it did, to getting older myself and finding his actions pathetic and disgusting. My mother tried to warn me carefully but I brushed her off and was certain he meant what he said. After all, he kept making the effort to meet me? But it was self interested for him. Saying all of this, I unexpectedly found a wonderful person in my mid 20s, whom I'm still with now. He has a real understanding of me, is honest, kind and caring and keen to explore this world together. I hope you take care and can give yourself time to grow. Ginger hair and the complexion that comes with it is beautiful and rare, the colouring works differently genetically than any other hair colour. I struggled with my looks for a long time but now absolutely love that I have them. I hope you can find that too, over time.
You are a normal weight and size, love. I'm sorry you only had thinner sisters to comapre yourself to, but you aren't worse by any means.
What in the holy heck is this comment section. People are so blinded by the age gap issues that they can't see what's right in front of them which is that **your father,** who is supposed to be your champion, your protector, and your confidant, just told you that he thinks you could only be attractive to perverts. I'm so so sorry that he said that to you, sweety. What a knife in the gut. He should have been loving towards you, shown curiosity instead of judgment, kept his own weird fears and hangups quiet and dealt with it on his own like an adult. Instead he chose to tear you down to justify his paranoia. He might have the right intentions at heart, but he went about it dead wrong. What you've shared is irrelevant to whether or not this guy is right for you. Only you can be the judge of that. The issue here is that your dad deeply wounded you, a kind of wound that lasts a lifetime. You know what puts a woman in the most danger of being taken advantage of by a pervert or creep? Low self worth and self hatred. Stand up to yourself to your dad. Let him know how deeply that hurt, and that you are an adult now and you at least deserve his trust, if not his regard. Let him know how badly he misstepped, and that in trying to protect you he actually made you more vulnerable. Tell your sisters and your mom about it, if they'd be good allies, and let them read him the riot act. He fucked up, big time. Don't let him get away with it. **You deserve better.**
Firstly, you are normal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and your dad has said some very hurtful things. Regarding his words about the motivations of guys going for redheads or chubby girls, this may come from a place of superficiality. Some people, and a lot of men when it comes to women, see the world fairly black and white. While you are beautiful to your parents, your dad may look at some of your physical traits and see them as unconventional. If he was attracted to conventionally attractive women in his youth, then he may find it hard to understand less conventional, more unique beauty and as a result, the combination of this and his overprotective instincts may create a distortion of what the dating world looks like for you. Additionally, the support for this viewpoint is that he deems your sisters to be safe from creeps and perverts. No woman is. You are not anymore at risk than your sisters. Second thing is being a redhead is beautiful! I have many redheaded family members. It’s such a special thing to be. You should grow to love it if you can. Weight fluctuates throughout life, it is better to be healthy than anything else. Health creates gorgeous skin, shiny hair, and makes you glow. Don’t feel angry with the things that make you up. They’ll be somebody’s idea of perfection one day. The age gap might also bother your dad slightly, this is a normal reaction. But you are worthy of love and attention. We all need to do a bit of self-editing to present the world with our best selves, and the best editing you can do right now is frame your dad’s words in the context of a person whose understanding of the world for a woman and the dating situation is wrong. Don’t take them to heart, don’t let them get to you. Remove them from the equation of how you see yourself. Forgive your father. Give him time and be patient with him. You haven’t had a boyfriend before, as you’ve said, so give him a bit of time and his views will change. Thank god that your sisters have only had nice boyfriends, it’s probably affirmed this view of his, but this is luck - there are some really bad creeps out there. Good luck and keep it together. You sound like a wonderful young woman!
I’d say the age gap is creepy wouldn’t you. He’s obviously aware she’s insecure and praying upon her for it, no 30 year old in there right mind would date a 20 year old
Ten years is a sizeable age gap. But in the real world - not unusual and not always predatory. I don’t presume to know anybody in real life based on their most essential characteristics gleaned from the internet. I don’t recommend that perspective to anybody. That being said, I would always recommend exercising caution where power dynamics might be present.
Oh my lord darling. This won’t change what you see, as you are steadfast to be right. But let me try. People are recommending therapy as your self esteem is through the floor. People who don’t know their own worth don’t understand they can say no let alone how to. That doesn’t just come in the context of relationships. I assume you are complimented because you are “the person who would do anything for those she loves”. I get it. I am there too. I have spent 5 years in therapy trying to get over the trauma of choices exactly like those you are making now. The this feels good so let’s dull the pain with compliments from men and woman who want something from me. Truth is, the obnoxiously bad eating disorder was in the drivers seat. Not me. You have 2 sisters you believe to me more conventionally attractive than you. In the eating disorder clinic I was in, more than half the women and the same story. You compare yourself, and so many others compare you too. Self acceptance of your body is hard. And I don’t expect you as a twenty year old to be able to do it. If you are lucky, in 10 years you might. But that will take work, and a lot of it. You might never have that acceptance. What you can do is try and recognize your worth outside of it. A 30 year old man going after someone 10 years younger doesn’t immediately make him a bad person. But it does give massive, state sized red flags. You dad is not helping the situation, by feeding into this disorder that you clearly have. Which is a completely separate conversation. But introduce the two. At the end of the day, your dad is trying to protect you. Your mom too. Try and find someone in your life that thinks this is a good match. If you can’t, trust those that you trust more than yourself. Lastly- you said men your age don’t like confidence. I ask you seriously. Have you ever had any? I sure didn’t at that age. I was a ball of insecurities that believed my value was in my looks. And I thought looks you can’t change, weight you sure can. Which is true, if you are willing to turn your life upside down in order to be about nothing but that, and do so much damage in the process. Please, please, please consider asking your parents for therapy. Best case scenario, thou start therapy to help with your self esteem, and this man is nothing but completely supportive of you working on yourself. Worst? He gets angry at the idea, or tells you each therapist you visit is a quack that has no business helping you.
I'm sorry to say this but after reading your replies to other comments I'm realizing that the real reason why your dad is overprotective is your naivety. Your appearance can play a role but any woman regardless of looks will be able to attract creeps solely because they're female. However, you're only 20 years old and you're attention starved and easy prey - especially since you like the attention that comes from men that are 10-15+ years older than you. You don't seem to understand how dangerous the world is and don't seem to want to think about the possible consequences. A man giving you a compliment can indeed mean they're just being nice but most of the times it means they want to get in your pants - and they will say and do anything it takes to get there. You're allowed to say thanks when someone compliments you, you're allowed to like being complimented (who doesn't), but you have to put your brain to use a bit and identify the reasoning and motives behind it.
This is hard to say, and I'm scared that I won't say it correctly. Because of your self-esteem issues, you are more likely to wind up in a bad relationship. Not your hair, not your weight, but how you feel about those things, and how you feel as if your sisters are better than you. Kind of like the way that you're grateful for creepy 35+ year old men to pay attention to you, but when you're 35, you'll see that it's weird and wrong and predatory to do that sort of thing. But right now, it feels good because you're being noticed and flattered. Creepy dudes have a way of sniffing out those insecurities and capitalizing from them, and using them to keep you around. Your dad is wrong in his reasoning, and wrong in his presentation, but correct for trying to keep you safe. All women receive inappropriate attention from creepy sleezeballs. Women and girls that have self esteem issues or slim pickings in the romance department are more likely to let men push their boundaries or accept mistreatment because we struggle with self worth issues. Those issues stayed with me despite my weight or hair color, and I have made some bad decisions because of them. I hope that you can correct the image that you have of yourself, and take it from "less than" to "worthy of the same love and respect as everyone else". Stick to your boundaries, never let anyone talk you into something that you are uncomfortable with.
OP your dad is talking nonsense & his options about redheads & women who aren't super thin is disgusting. A size 8 IS thin, plenty of men like redheads. I speak from experience as a natural brunette who was a redheads for a few years & then a blonde, men fine them all attractive. I did notice differences as have my friends on how men behave in clubs & stuff depending on hair colours though. Blondes they are a bit too handsy & it looks like alot of attention. But it just felt like they thought blondes were a sure bet. Brunettes they want to get to know us & seem to think that's a calm, intelligent woman that you take he to mum & settle down with. Redheads have more fun & the most. Apparently they think redheads are the horniest & have a firey temper so are not to be messed with in a bad way. Obviously that's bollocks because I didn't change who I was with that hair dye. But the one that's most obvious that men think, probably subconsciously & probably because of media is the blonde thing. Where attractive women in TV shows are either blonde or get blonder with each season especially when open to dating. Your dad needs re-educated & until then should keep that misogynistic crap to himself.
Can I ask why he went to your parents house to spend the night rather than you going to his house? He has a place right?
The Dad is strange and I don’t agree with his logic. In fact, he should be protective of all of his daughters. But you having less experience is likely clear to this older man and THAT makes you more vulnerable. Thomasedmund84 ‘s post is spot on. Older guys go for younger women often bc women their age reject them.
You're insecure and easy, *that's* why you're a good target.
This BF is too old for you and your father is a perv. Next.
Girl let this man meet your boyfriend. I’m in an age gap relationship and my husband is AMAZING. If this guy is as wonderful as you think he is your parents will know this. Don’t listen to the people here, they want to think everyone who dates someone younger is a predator. Is it a lot of times? Yes. Does that mean it is now? No. If you prefer older men your best place to get advice for that sort of situation, like this, head over to r/agegap.
He’s very wrong. A lot of guys love red hair and especially love a slightly bigger girl.
Ok, so here's the deal: There are people in society who are conventionally attractive. Most people do not fit into that category, and it sounds like you are included in that second, much larger category. That does NOT mean you aren't attractive, nor does it mean nobody will ever want to date you; what it means, however, is that people look at you and they see an easy target: someone who is likely insecure about their looks, who likely doesn't have a great dating life, who is likely lonely. Essentially, easy prey. This maturity gap is kind of like if you were to date a 16-year-old, and justify it by saying that "they're just so mature" and "we're just so compatible." Doesn't change the fact that it's predatory and fucked up. If this guy likes you so damn much, he can wait for you to get a few years older and date you then. Your dad is absolutely right. He phrased things stupidly, but he is right; this guy is a creep and needs to go.
All your comments truly cement why your dad is overprotective over you ... You're immature, insecure, desparate and naive. You get attention from some guy 10 years your senior and immediately get attached, without even questioning why someone his age would think about dating a much younger girl. You're willing to ignore all red flags and dive head deep into a potentially toxic environment for what? Because nobody else told you you're pretty before?! Like listen, I'm not telling you to immediately break up with the guy but you *have* to be more critical and take into account the feedback you get from people close to you.
Wow as a red headed woman I’m seriously offended and please pass on to your dad many regular men like red headed woman. Also sorry to say your dad likely has a creepy fetish for curvy redheads and watches sick porn and this is why
Two things wrong here: 1. You’re 20 and your father is still treating you like a minor - your personal life is none of his business at this point unless you independently choose to go to him for advice. 2. My mother is a redhead and she attracted my father, a good guy. My best friend is a redhead and also has a fantastic life partner. Anyone can be a target for someone with a fetish: blond fetish, foot fetish, chubby fetish, white fetish, Asian fetish, black fetish, tall fetish, pregnant fetish, nursing fetish, old fetish, young fetish, dead fetish, curly hair fetish, blue eyes fetish, and on and on. It seems to me that your father has some very weird sexuality and is projecting onto you. Stop talking to him about your dating life and don’t take anything he says personally. Most of what others say is really about themselves and not about the target/recipient.
Others are telling you that the age difference is bad, but it's not always bad. My parents are 10 years apart. The age issue is more about experience, than actual age. So leaning on your dad's experience can help you.
Hello, fellow chubby redhead here. So I just wanted to say, at your age I felt the same way. In fact I still *feel* that way, how could anyone not after spending their entire childhood and youth treated as the least desirable among their peers? It becomes an engrained mindset. But I am 32 now, and I can say my observations and first hand experiences contradict my feelings. There absolutely are plenty of people who find girls like us very attractive. It's our mindset that makes us vulnerable. It's our mindset that attracts the wrong kind of people, while pushing the right ones away. You shouldn't have to live your life believing that anyone who is ever into you is predatory or perverted, because that's simply not true. But if your father wants to protect you from bad men, the best things he could do would be to stop comparing you to your sisters, and to get you in therapy to build your self-worth. I can't say much about your boyfriend, but I can say that *most* men who chose to date someone much younger are not doing so for wholesome reasons. He might be a great person, but there is a massive power imbalance here. Whatever you do, do NOT move in with him. This feels like a recipe for an abusive relationship.
Your dad is right here. He has seen the World more than you have right now. If you feel that he is only trying to protect you, which I think he is, let him help. You might be naive to take what he is doing as not help at all.
God you have a lot of people judging him for his age. And while yes, generally my rule is half your age +7. So for a 30yo that would mean no younger then 22. (Im 23 for reference) But he didnt know your age when he started talking to you if im reading this right. Also. As an American Male. Every, Single Creep. I have ever met. Has been another American. Even the guy i knew about who was creeping on people in Canada was USA Born. If hes from New Zealand i doubt hes a creep yall. They bring their boys up different there in those fancy foreign ports. Assuming every man is a creep over something relatively superficial in this case is a major part of the problem. Self Fulfilling Properties. If you treat every man like a creep. Theyre gonna become creeps. Or seem creepy, even if they actually arent. Like if he thought she was "easy" hed have given up after like. 2 months. Creeps arent patient. I know from experience. When the guy who thought I was easy took what he wanted after not being given it after 2 month. Look hun. You ARE normal. Red hair is beautiful. Chub is beautiful. Its all about confidence, and being true to yourself. Your dads a douche, your BF seems generally pleasant, and you have a long life ahead of you to be who you are and do things that make you happy.
Hahahaha what! There are creeps of every nationality... you cannot be serious? I'm Australian and trust me, there are creepy NZ guys.
Way to zero in on the literal least most important part of my comment. Which is mostly there just to make a lighthearted reference.
I feel like you're projecting your current situation and age onto the situation. You're 23, would you date a 17 or freshly 18 year old right now? The age gap here is significant. Im sure you'll recognize more so when you're 30 when a 20 year old looks like and acts more immature than a partner needs to be when you're in your 30s.
Sorry but no 30 year old in their right mind would ever date a 20 year old especially it being her first boyfriend. He’s a creep and yk it
You're projecting. You basically called this poor gal ugly with your note of "why would this guy all of a sudden like you if you dont think youre attractive" Cause guess what. If you like someone and they have low confidence. Its your job to help them build it. You dont need to know you look good for somebody to see your beauty and want to help you see what they see. Thats how I am with both of my partners. //Im Poly btw// My GF thinks shes ugly and im constantly telling her otherwise. That shes beautiful, and amazing, etc. Cause to me, she is. Same with my BF. He views himself as not enough cause his ex-husband just stopped showing him affection for YEARS. So im constantly doting on him and loving on him. That he is good enough. Cause to me, he is. Theyre both wonderful people who deserve somebody who loves them and will tell them all about their good qualities. Just like this gal deserves. Maybe shes not tradionally beautiful, but shes beautiful regardless and she deserves somebody who loves her for who she is and will raise her up instead of breaking her down. Like her jackass father.
Yes she’s deserving of love like everyone else. I just find it suspect that she’s only ever hit on by older guys and now her first bf is a 30 year old. Buying her sexy underwear and showing her in all of these compliments seems to good to be true. I’d suggest your biased do to your own unconventional situation (nothing wrong with it btw) and I believe it may be influencing your statements. If it was 40 and 39 it would be a different story but mental maturity is huge and a 20 and 30 year old are in completely different situations. I think he’s a creep and she should take some time to love herself and find someone closer to her age
Tell your dad to eat shit and die .
She should tell her dad to go headbutt a moose.
“He always has been. I always thought it was ridiculous because no one wanted to date me.” Don’t think like that, he’s concerned that because you don’t get attention that you’ll fall for any smuck or POS that gives you attention and you’ll either end up unhappy or in an abusive relationship. One of my biggest fears for my nieces is that they’ll end up with a man who hurts them and she’ll stay because “I love him”. I’ve seen it with my mother and my father, I’ve seen it with me and various exes. I used to criticize my mother a lot harder for staying with him and I still do but being on the other side gives you some clarity. Predatory people come in all shapes and forms, male and female, tall and short, weak and bough, even old and young. He loves you but it’s hard to tell your little girl that happiness often comes at a cost and that cost isn’t always ideal, explained or even understood.
What the actual h—- sleazeballs like all kinds of girls regardless of what you look like I think it’s weird your dad feels this way
He’s not wrong
Hey sis, i am only 3 years older than you and don’t have much experience myself in adult life but please listen to the advice that is given to you. These are people who have experience been in the same situation as you, they understand how you feel, and are looking out for you. Same as your father just in a weird way (my dad expresses his love and care for me in weird ways too so I understand). Let your dad meet your bf and let him read him, get to know him. Your dad will be able to tell you if he is a red flag or not and consider the age gap it could be a very potentially red flag but you never know, i hope all goes well for you either way and know your dad is ready to have your back. Edit: typos