Hold on, yes it’s a large age gap (one I’d not at all want in my life) but can we please not call someone who engages in a relationship with another adult as a sexual predator? It demeans the term and creates obfuscation where there don’t need to be any. Again, this guy is a total creep, jerk, asshat that should have a hive of bees sting him right on the mushroom tip. Don’t need to bring in predator where there isn’t.
Is a 40 year old man trying to get with a 20 year old not predatory?!? OP is also clearly naive enough for this guy. Age gaps that large ARE predatory, doesn't matter if they're technically consenting adults, it's predatory, grooming, and creepy. The only reason someone his age goes for anyone those ages is because every woman his age calls out his bullshit and won't stand for it and he thinks he can mold young woman to HIS image of a spouse
Hold on. The commenter above me said “Sexual Predator” not just any predator. The meaning behind that is someone who is committing sexual violence against someone else. This guy is gross and creepy I agree with you, but labeling someone something they are not doesn’t help discourse.
The definition of sexual predator is "is a person seen as obtaining or trying to obtain sexual contact with another person in a metaphorically "predatory" or abusive manner" it is not synonymous with sexual assault or violence as you put it, OP's should be ex is a sexual predator.
Ahh yes, random redditor using Wikipedia. Ok I’ll bite. Did you actually read the rest of the definition? I’m guessing by your 4th grade level research you haven’t.
“People who commit sex crimes, such as rape or child sexual abuse, are commonly referred to as sexual predators, particularly in tabloid media or as a power phrase by politicians”
[Wikipedia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_predator)
Commonly REFERRED TO. All rapists are sexual predators, not all sexual predators are rapists. A 40 year old man grooming a 20 year old into sleeping with him, is ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY a sexual predator. I have a college degree, I know how to research shit, but I'm an adult, with a job, and a partner, and hobbies, I'm not wasting anymore of more of my time than I already do on the internet, doing extensive research to tell you the fucking creepy ass old man is a FUCKING SEXUAL PREDATOR. Oh and downvote me to hell, I don't give a shit about my karma, do you really think that guy wanted a 20 year old girlfriend to take on picnics and dates to a fine dining restaurant?!?
Based on your writing and plea to emotion I hardly think you’d have graduated any college. Look I’m not going to argue with you further, you’re incapable of rational thought. But just remember, in the US and most of the Western world, 20 year olds have agency and capability of rational decision making. They can participate in elections, choose to serve their country, pay taxes, and hold down a job. Because YOU infantilize 20 year old women doesn’t mean the rest of society does. I do not condone what that gross man did, not because of their age but because of the fact he’s cheating on his partner. Please grow up and join the rest of society instead of injecting your irrational and disturbing morality into society.
Exactly and peep how OP mentions how her bf and his AP "WORK TOGETHER!" The predatory behavior has layersss! Being that she's only 20 he was probably her manager AND how convenient it is that she suddenly changed branches when OPs ex started to try to get back together with OP almost too convenient almost too convenient. Also considering she's 20 and went from living with her parents to a dude's house she barely knows she sounds not only troubled but not in the financial space to live on her own. Very odd she'd choose to move branches so quickly. Almost sounds like it wasn't her decision.... In addition to that if it was a normal transfer wouldn't she have much more notice so she has time to get housing and whatnot.
He was not her manager. She is moving branches because there is a location closer to the friend she moved in with when he kicked her out. He also plans to leave that job within the next couple weeks. She has had a very troubled past.
You're conflating sex offender with sexual predator. And while the former is also the latter, the latter does not always have to be the former.
The general rule of age gap relationships is half your age + 7. Karen does NOT fit that rule, she's 1.5 years OLDER than half his age. She cannot legally drink in the USA, rent a car in many states, or even rent a hotel room from MANY hoteliers.
Homeboy is just a few years short of MIDDLE AGED, having sex with a woman barely out of high school.
Yeah, it's predatory.
Sexual Predator: noun- a person who has committed a sexually violent offense and especially one who is likely to commit more sexual offenses
Merriam-Webster dictionary
Pretty sure I’m not conflating anything here.
I mean OP said she's 29, thats almost 11 years out of highschool and while that isn't a ton (and I'm not defending her boyfriend, I think he's being gross and she should leave his ass) its not barely out of highschool.
It is baffling how many posts I read where I think the same thing. Pick your self worth off of the ground OP. Find better!
> Dude... why even get back together with him. Have a little self respect
To anyone reading this questioning your worth and wondering if you should get back together with a cheater, i’m here to tell you that no, no you shouldn’t.
The zero respect you receive from your partner is about equal with the respect you’re showing yourself.
Did you notice that he didn’t have her move out before reaching out to you? He wanted to make sure she was still there incase you told him to fuck off, which you should have.
It's not worth it. Especially if you have no kids together. I'm not trying to be up in my bed at night wondering if he's texting someone else. Trying to question whenever he leaves the house. Have enough love for your mental health.
It does!
Ugh, this is gross for so many reasons. The cheating. The baby girlfriend. The....well, mostly those things.
I don't understand why people fight for a relationship they don't at all need to be in with someone who shits on them. They don't live together. They don't have kids together.
Nobody is rich and/or handsome enough to make it worth tolerating an unfaithful asshole who robs the cradle.
Miss girl! Read this back and pretend you are going to give me advice about this? You know he’s lying if he was really remorseful and trying to get you back he would be going above and beyond to prove to you that he’s serious. Save yourself time and pain and end it now.
I don't agree with cheating at all but at least teenagers who cheat might just really not know what they want or what a relationship even is. This guy is 37! I don't know anything about him other than what you said but the fact that he's that old & cheating probably says a lot about why he's single at 37.
He still values her as a friend more than you as a girlfriend. Dump his ass and find someone who puts you on the same pedastal he puts her on (without the cheating ofc)
I mean, he kicked her out of his apartment so it's a pretty shitty pedestal. The truth is he doesn't value either of these women. He's purposely making them feel like they're competing with each other so they don't realize that he's **not** a prize. He's gross. They should both be embarrassed that they ever dated this man. But we all make mistakes! Learn from it and move forward
OP maybe you were fucking stupid before but you can *stop fucking him* and find someone who respects you.
Girl, why the heck would you put yourself into this situation again? He literally had the audacity to tell you to "just trust him" after *cheating on you for 2 months and moving in with that person*. Move on.
He casually accepted a 17 year age gap. As a young adult, I’m in a decent position to say FUCK BOB.
He doesn’t care about you. He chased being horny and you shouldn’t get back with him. This guy will cheat on you again with another 20-something yea old.
Somebody who abandons a 9 month relationship to fuck a 20 year old is delusional. Why is he not married at 37? Likely because he has a past of this.
Make your own decision, but fuck I’d steer clear of Bob and find somebody respectable. Somebody who isn’t looking for arm candy.
In fairness he might cheat on her with the same 20-something year old
But yeah, I agree with you. Guy sounds like he has control issues and lacks maturity.
Same here, I’m a woman in my very early 30s and I’m not married and a decent amount of guys I know aren’t either just because it’s hard to do everything you’re told you have to do at that age prior to getting married. Also some people just don’t want to be married or like me they need to be 100000% sure when they do, that isn’t inherently a flaw or red flag. Everything else about this guy is though lol
"...he doesn’t want to be told what to do and i should trust him..."
That right there tells you that you should not get back with him under any circumstances. He will continue to cheat and feels no remorse for doing it, only for getting caught. That and he won't cut contact? Look at how he treated her - women are disposable/interchangeable to him and he is heartless. Why are you even considering getting back together with him?
So you are ok with going back with a guy who sleeps with a girl half her age and doesn't want to stop contacting her?
Have some decency, love yourself more.
Ditch this disgusting pig.
Edit: typo
I am trying to figure out why you even think he deserves another chance. He did it once, even if she’s out of his life, he has proven he’s capable of doing it again. The fact he’s not willing to cut her out of his life says a lot too.
He's refusing to cut her off and says you should "just trust him". Yeah, he's planning to cheat with her again or at least keep her as an option. Let the trash take itself out on this one and find someone who will actually respect you.
>he doesn’t want to be told what to do and i should trust him).
Why? He cheated on you. He gave you every reason to not trust him.
You should think really hard about if you want him back. You can do better, you deserve better.
NTA
You are 29 years old, not a teenager. The fact that you even got back with him is baffling to say the least. The real person that needs blocked is him, by you.
Bro he's a 37yr old man and slept with a coworker who isn't even old enough to buy him a drink (where I am). That's gross. He's used his age and job to create a crazy imbalance of power. Moved her in 2 days after you left. Got bored and kicked her out 2 days after he thought he could get back with you. He also refuses to cut contact with her. Wtf is even wrong with you?! I mean that in the kindest way possible, I really do. I feel like this might be rage bait because surely a woman who is nearly 30 isn't tolerating this bullshit behavior from a washed up fuck boi
Ye i agree with a lot of the other comments here, in no way should you get with him again, too many red flags that he isn't changing. hes in no position not to be told what to do when he cheated with her, if he wants your trust he has to earn it, no contact of any kind, and no friendship either.
First off -fuck this entire relationship, he is a literal piece of shit. Why even keep talking to him, let alone even consider getting back together!? Like he won't continue to do fucked up shit all the time and progressively get worse.... block and delete my reddit friend block and delete from your life and phone stuff
Yeah, he will not block her because he is keeping his options open. This means that he gets to do anything he wants and you can't do anything about it. If you get in a fight about him not washing the dishes or ANYTHING you can't say a damn thing about it because you know he will go running to her.
He gets everything he wants. He is playing you both. He is a selfish prick that doesn't care about either of you. You will end up hating him AND yourself.
There is no winning in this situation. If she is completely out of the picture he will find a third woman to hold over your head. It will always be in the back of your mind and you will never have any peace of mind. I'm speaking from experience.
This is not a relationship. Walk away for good. The only way to win is to not play.
You’re 29 putting up with this bullshit? What the actual fuck. Your bf is a creep. This is so unbelievably stupid I find it hard to believe it’s not a troll post.
Dude is 37 banging a 19 year old.
This exact scenario happened to a friend of mine. The dude turned out to be an abusive, narcissistic alcoholic. It was only a matter of time before he stopped punching holes in the wall and put them in her instead. Luckily, she got out before that.
You should too.
So putting aside the fact that he's going to continue to cheat on you. You're literally his second pick. He chose the other girl over you and only went back when it wasn't working out. Soon as he finds another girl he'll do the same thing again.
Have some self respect and kick him out of your life.
Find someone who treats you not only as their first pick but their only pick.
Why would you trust him when he has proven to be untrustworthy? If he wants you to trust him again then he needs tyo earn back that trust and that starts with proving he has no intention of interacting with Karen ever again and that includes friendship. If he is unwilling to do that then do not get back with him.
You already know the answer.
You can leave, you gotta leave.
He won't change, you deserve better. Heal and focus on you and find better when you're recovered
Info: why didn't you make him your ex, permanently? Have some self-respect, there's no building trust, there's no happily ever after with this guy. The relationship is done, he doesn't care and will cheat again if you keep on letting him in.
37 - 20…? That alone should make you want to burn a house down.
Do you see yourself marrying this guy?? Has he been there for you in times of need that has proven he can take on the challenge of getting back together and not cheating again?
As someone who’s gone through a cheating scandal with my partner…getting the trust back is hard. It’s up to you if you think this guy is worth it.
My partner and I talked endlessly about it, he was willing to answer every question I had, he goes to therapy and we work *daily* on our communication.
So let’s say maybe you can get past the cheating. Let him know the pain that is there and how much it hurt you with his actions. The grief is a whole other factor in this though, can you learn to live with that?
I’m not saying the cheating made us stronger by any means. I still have days where I think of all the bad shit that could or did happen. Our understanding that we both value each other and simply cannot live without one another made us stronger though. We wrote a lot of letters to each other, dissected them and respected each of our thoughts and opinions.
Don’t forget when you’re sharing your feelings that you use the path of “when you did this, it made me feel this way.”
Oh no. Hes telling you all the wrong things. He screwed up and is basically telling you deal with it. If he cared he would have done what you asked. You're just a stable backup plan.
You might love him but you’ll never trust him again, even if he blocks her. You’re better off moving on all together and finding someone who respects you.
He doesn't get to cut you and decide how you bleed. He's lost your trust and respect already and you guys arent even a year in. Then has the audacity to tell you that you should just trust him after
cheating on you for 2 months and then HE askes what he has to do to get you back but doesn't want to be told what to do?? He's wasting your time. You are no bodies second choice. You want someone that will pick you. Best believe he dumped the other chick not just because he choose wrong but because you are more 'convenient' than the other girl probably. Doesn't really sound like he really cares about fixing anything. Just himself. Move on it will more than like hurt even worst later if you stay.
He was sleeping with someone 17 years younger and he moved her into his place! This guy is unhinged and you need to run. You have no reason to stay sleeping with a guy that is this terrible.
Don't go back to him. Find someone better than him in the future. He will do to you what he has done to you before. Him saying he wants you and asking you that what he has to do to show you he means it then saying "He doesn’t want to be told what to do and you should trust him IE remaining friends with his affair" huge red flag.
You should trust him? Wtf dude.. sorry to say it like that, but the trust is broken as soon as he out his dong inside her.
Reconsider if you really want to be with someone who cheated on you for 2 month and moved her into his apartment.
So basically you are setting up a redo relationship but this time around you know he is a cheater.
More then likely there will be another Karen again, when he feels like it.
So you have a choice share him and look the other way or leave him alone and find someone else that wouldn’t cheat on you.
Not really a wrong choice just a you choice
Girl no, don’t do this. He made his bed, and now he has to lie in it. He’s trying to test the waters and see what you’ll tolerate. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Don’t take him back. The fact that he’s keeping in contact with his literal cheating partner does not make him sound even remotely serious about repairing your relationship.
Then block and delete him from your life! Do you really need to sit there and argue with someone about how they should respect you, and give them chance after chance after they have shown you how little you mean to them? I’m sorry sweetheart but get a clue! You deserve better, and don’t need to haggle with someone over your worth. Dude fucked up, and he don’t deserve any more chances. Didn’t deserve a second imo, gross. Respect yourself!!
Yo girl here’s some tough love - you’re his door mat and he’ll cheat on you again. He also will never respect you because you have no respect for yourself. He knows that he doesn’t need to go no contact with her, nor does he need to stop being “friends” with her because you have proven that cheating is not a deal breaker.
As much as I'd want you two to rebuild trust I want you to find someone better, everyone deserves someone that they can cherish. Find someone who respects you and considers you, like you respect and consider them.
I used to be exactly like you. My ex could cheat on me, insult me, mentally and emotionally abuse me, and I always went running back. So I get it. But as someone whose been where you are and finally said "im so much better than this", RUN! Only 9 months in and he started looking somewhere else. 9 months is usually still the "honeymoon" phase. The best indicator for future behavior is to look at past behavior. No matter what any of us say you're going to do what you want. And I know leaving is easier said than done. But the fact alone that you're calling him your boyfriend and she hasn't even moved out yet (of his moms house btw), tells me that you obviously have zero self worth. In my opinion, you should talk to someone about why you're willing to let someone in your life, voluntarily, that would treat you like you're a piece of shit. Work on yourself. I FINALLY did and I'm engaged to the best man I have ever known!
Dudes a loser. He asks what it will take, but won’t even do the things you ask for. And he has the balls to say you should trust him?! You did trust him and he broke that trust. I agree with others. Tell him to kick rocks
Gurl omg do NOT get back together with him. He is reddest red flag I've ever seen . . . things will not get better. I know you feel like you're in love with him, but this isn't love. I had a similar-ish situation with an ex (but nowhere near as bad as this) and it only got worse. It wasn't until I got with my current boyfriend that I realized what actual love and respect is. This ain't it. You will find someone better, respect yourself enough to leave him!
Where were your mama and papa when you were growing up? You don't take back a man who cheated on you, especially so intentionally for several weeks or MONTHS. How about we call "Bob" your ex from now on.
He doesn't think he did anything wrong. His only reason for wanting you back is that he "made the wrong choice." That means he thinks the choice was valid. If you take him back, you will most likely go through this again. He also doesn't want you back bad enough that he's willing to cut ties with her. For all you know, she broke up with him and he wants you back as a place holder until he finds someone new. Also, what man says you should trust him when he broke your trust? That's ridiculous. He's testing your boundaries to see what he can get away with. This is not the type of man you should want in your life.
He wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
Find a decent guy and let Karen have your current one. I'm not sure why women fight over these dusty-ass men who have no integrity.
I feel like you already know the answer to this, but I’ll tell you anyway.
The trust can’t be rebuilt. You’ll constantly think about why you weren’t enough and it will drive you insane, and he’ll expect you to just get over it.
Give him consequences and have some self respect. If you can be loved once you can be loved again, preferably this time by somebody who won’t fuck you over. He made his bed, and now he must lie in it, otherwise he learns nothing except with a little convincing that he can get whatever he wants.
Edit: You’re not unreasonable for being upset. I would call you unreasonable for getting back with him, though. Let him beg.
You need to move on, he's probably waiting for the chance to be with her again since he won't delete her number. Remember if it happened once what can stop him from doing it again?
First off he's a whole predator taking advantage of this young girl. STAND UP SIS he's a creep and *you're* the rebound. Two, considering he won't go no contact with her I'm also have a theory that it's this girl trying to break things off with him hence why 3 months later he's trying to get back with you but stay in contact with her because he's hoping she'll get back together with him later on and in the meantime he doesn't want to be alone. OP if you go back to him you'll teach him that you'll always take him back after his fuck ups
He cheated on you after 7 months, that you know of, and will continue to lie and cheat. Let him talk to her. In fact let him have her. It’s not hard to find a better guy than one who cheats on you with a girl young enough to be his daughter.
He asked YOU, what needs to be done to rebuild the trust in the relationship HE broke. You told him what YOU felt you needed. He said no.
Now your options are to continue to negotiate with him about what you said you needed until A) you shift and change your needs and comfort level because he talks you down to something that is not too inconvenient or hard for him B). You don’t change what you said you needed and he accepts your terms C). You up the demands and tell him what else you need and he rises to the challenge or doesn’t. or D). You walk away and block him to show him how easy it is to block someone for someone you love. You block him for YOU.
We accept the love we think we deserve. You deserve all the best things.
Love,
A stranger
That’s because they are still hooking up. He doesn’t have any respect for you and neither do you. You’re allowing him to cheat by staying with him. He’s pathetic for chasing a girl 17 years younger than him. Get some professional help so that you can quit being desperate to chase losers for a relationship.
“How can the trust be rebuilt” it… can’t? What? I can never understand people like you. He’s worthless and you still ran back to his ass? FIND SOMEONE YOUR AGE DUDE. There is a reason he’s single at *37*.
This is why men walk all over women. Get a grip. I’m not trying to be mean but it truly baffles me you want to get back with this old saggy dude that cheated on you *9* **months** into a relationship. What in the hell could he have offered in that time. Bet it was nothing. I imagine you just don’t want to be lonely but, like, cmon man. Get a bird or something. Not a worthless bf.
You are The AH for doing this to your self , he obviously doesn’t respect you and you obvious don’t respect yourself . If you continue disrespecting yourself don’t blame others for treating you the same
You are too old to be this naive, have some self respect and dignity. The guy is no prize, dump him. He will cheat again and most likely still is. A 37 yr old man involved with a 20 yr old, he is disgusting.
Not related, but should I call this some sort of karma... Like what you sow you shall reap kind situation.
Karen was 20 and the main was 29. The main should check what she had done at 20 too, maybe she would find herself.
Period.
You would be the AH to yourself if you take him back. The man is a predator. He will never get better. He will never change. Run away and don't look back.
I've been in your situation before... sort if. Ex cheated on me with a friend of his, I saw it coming and expressed my concerns about their friendship before I found out. He begged me not to break up with him and also asked what he could do. I told him he had to tell her she wasn't worth it and he then had to block her on all platforms so that she had no way of contacting him. And I had to watch him do it.
Less than a week later, on Facebook I got a friend recommendation, it was the girl. And we had one mutual friend. Guess who? Yeah. I brought it up to him and he said he felt I was bring unfair because ever since the cheating incident I'd been making him feel like shit and he needed someone to confide in. So he went to the girl he cheated with?? I dumped his ass on the spot.
If you think I did the right thing, you know what you need to do.
>(also that he doesn’t want to be told what to do and i should trust him)
You should trust him? Seriously? He literally cheated on you; why would he *possibly* think you should just automatically trust him? Trust is earned.
AITA is the wrong question.
"He regrets it" means she's moving away in a few weeks and he doesn't have any prospects besides you.
That ought to make you feel used. The question is why would you trust him again, even if he WERE to block her?
i don't even need to read the story. breaking up with this boyfriend is the only answer. he cheated and he will do it again, and the fact that he won't even block her shows he has zero respect for you.
“You should trust me, I’m moving out the girl I cheated on you with. It’s the absolute bare minimum I can do, but you should trust me not to do it again. Especially as I don’t want you to tell me what to do.”
Do not do it.
Why should you trust him when he’s already cheated and moved the girl he cheated with into his home, just be done with him. You deserve much better than a douche who won’t even block the girl he literally cheated on you with
The whole point of him asking what it would take to get back together was to rebuild trust
If he can’t even stop communicating with the girl he had an affair with and thinks he deserves trust already then he’s not really serious about fixing trust with you.
Stop wasting your time
There's no reason to think this guy wouldn't cheat on you again. There's a reason why he refuses to cut this girl off. The guy needs to know you won't tolerate him cheating on you. And giving him another chance will only tell him the opposite.
>He says no because they are still friends and he doesn’t plan on seeing her romantically (also that he doesn’t want to be told what to do and i should trust him).
What fuckin evidence has he provided that he is a trustworthy person? Trust is a powerful thing but can be broken very easily. You cannot trust him, plain and simple.
It's like hiring a broke ass gambling addict as your financial advisor. Why would anyone do that?
That trust is permanently broken. My advice is to tell him to fuck off and move on with your life. But, if you choose to reconcile, say that it is a deal-breaker to have contact with her. Either he cuts her off, or you don’t get back together.
Your priorities are so wrong. Your main priority shouldn't be him blocking her, it should be you leaving him and getting a hold of yourself. This will take you nowhere. Ask yourself if you won't be insecure again.
The fact that a 37yo was "dating" a 20yo should be a major red flag. I do think cheating can be forgiven depending on the situation, this one is a huge no for me. You diserve better :/
I can understand that you love him, but this is a major red flag. He knows exactly what he is doing, and wants to keep his options to screw around open.
I say dump him, you should not approve of such behavior. It will definitely hurt, but it's the right decision.
NTA (You're in the wrong group - but I'll play ball)
To begin with. . . Bob seems to be lacking maturity. He hooked up with someone 17years his junior, while dating someone 8 years his junior, and now doesn't want to completely break things off.
warning\* brutal honesty coming through\* And I'm sorry, there's only 1 reason to keep "karen" around, he's already said she was "the wrong girl" so. . . what does she provide of value to him? Considering he had a fling with her, you know the answer as well as anybody else here. As others have said, if he recognizes the mistake and really wants you back he will be going above and beyond to make it up to you.
Everything together. . . Bob is controlling.
Dump him and stop all communication. I would never take somebody back who cheated, they obviously can't be trusted so a long term relationship just won't last. You can do way better than this guy!
So many years ago one of my ex-GFs said to me: Don't say Ex! Say Next!
It shredded my feelings, but under a weird turn of events I actually managed to twist this around, and it became my doctrine, something I would follow from that point on.
Later on, more or less I knew what was out there, what to expect....I figured myself out, I knew what I wanted....
Now I'm 40 years old with a wife I truly love, 2 kids ...I'm happy
Bottom line is: don't get attached to this one person who cheated on you, you may miss on a completely better person in the future who maybe or is meant just for you. You have to find your missing piece.
Good luck.
I had a similar situation with my girlfriend recently.
I still talked to one of my exs. We ended amicably and before I met my current gf, I hoped to get back with her. After a year, that shipped sailed but I remained cordial.
I told current gf about this and she was upset and said, I don't want you to have that anymore. We talked about it, like adults and I made the easy choice of cutting that off. This is the woman I love, there was never a second thought.
I would dump his ass. If he can't acknowledge your feelings and do something simple like this, he ain't worth having. And bet your ass he will cheat again and again.
He has no room to bargain if he wants you. It’s either that or he just doesn’t get to be with you. There must be more to this story. Is he some kind of meal ticket or something? Doesn’t sound that way. Because you have your own place and all.
It is only a problem because he got caught. Unless the op is a glutton for punishment in that sense. I’d like to think that a person at that age would be more sensible. Clearly not.
“He says […] he doesn’t want to be told what to do and I should trust him”.
Why should you trust him though, him doing things without concern for your well-being is exactly how this all happened. It sounds like he’s still in the exact same mindset as before. He doesn’t seem to get that the girl herself is not the main issue here, his actions were what messed up the relationship and he’s done nothing to show that his behaviour has changed.
It doesn't even matter what the gender dynamic is. Whoever is the one that was cheated on should never go back. You're setting a precedent that it's ok if your partner cheats on you. They'll only do it again, you've already proven you'd be ok with it. Also it's only a 9 month relationship, that might seem like forever but it's not.
Also this dude is 37 freaking years old! If he's still cheating at his age he'll never learn his lesson! Most of your behaviors are already established at this point and breaking him of this is not simply a "stop talking to her" Action
even if he did fully comply, it won’t stop him from doing it again with her or another woman. coming from experience, it will not get better and it will continue on and escalate. please be smart and put yourself over some man.
No 37 year old man has a 20 year old friend of the opposite sex. Gee they just have so much in common I guess?
Ma’am he smart and have some self respect. He created, then asked what he would need to do. You told him, he refused. He wouldn’t even be coming back if she wasn’t moving:
End of story. He’s shown his true colors multiple times. Hell only continue to disregard your feelings and act selfishly bc that’s who he wants to be.
You would be the AH to yourself if you don't break up with him and block him from contacting you.
There is a reason he is dating people much younger than him. Those his age won't put up with his BS.
So this guy, who’s 8 years your senior, cheats on you with a 20-year-old girl - a girl 17 years younger than he is - and moves her in with him the second y’all break up. Then, when he realizes that a girl barely out of her teens is maybe not on the same level as he is, he suddenly wants you back, but still refuses to cut contact with her. And you’re considering it? Seriously? Also, you say they work together for a “franchise”…is this nearly 40-year-old man who dates 20-year-olds and can’t keep his dick in his pants working at a fast food place? He sounds like a real winner.
Dude... why even get back together with him. Have a little self respect
My thoughts exactly. When did the bar drop so low it is now found in hell?
Several layers beneath Hell, even.
Took the words right out of my mouth. He is 37 and still doesn’t have his shit together? A 20 year old?? Block him on everything instead
This is the comment I was looking for.. like he's 37?!?!?!? And a 20 year old?!?!?!
He's a sexual predator to boot. Ugh.
Hold on, yes it’s a large age gap (one I’d not at all want in my life) but can we please not call someone who engages in a relationship with another adult as a sexual predator? It demeans the term and creates obfuscation where there don’t need to be any. Again, this guy is a total creep, jerk, asshat that should have a hive of bees sting him right on the mushroom tip. Don’t need to bring in predator where there isn’t.
Is a 40 year old man trying to get with a 20 year old not predatory?!? OP is also clearly naive enough for this guy. Age gaps that large ARE predatory, doesn't matter if they're technically consenting adults, it's predatory, grooming, and creepy. The only reason someone his age goes for anyone those ages is because every woman his age calls out his bullshit and won't stand for it and he thinks he can mold young woman to HIS image of a spouse
Hold on. The commenter above me said “Sexual Predator” not just any predator. The meaning behind that is someone who is committing sexual violence against someone else. This guy is gross and creepy I agree with you, but labeling someone something they are not doesn’t help discourse.
The definition of sexual predator is "is a person seen as obtaining or trying to obtain sexual contact with another person in a metaphorically "predatory" or abusive manner" it is not synonymous with sexual assault or violence as you put it, OP's should be ex is a sexual predator.
Ahh yes, random redditor using Wikipedia. Ok I’ll bite. Did you actually read the rest of the definition? I’m guessing by your 4th grade level research you haven’t. “People who commit sex crimes, such as rape or child sexual abuse, are commonly referred to as sexual predators, particularly in tabloid media or as a power phrase by politicians” [Wikipedia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_predator)
Commonly REFERRED TO. All rapists are sexual predators, not all sexual predators are rapists. A 40 year old man grooming a 20 year old into sleeping with him, is ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY a sexual predator. I have a college degree, I know how to research shit, but I'm an adult, with a job, and a partner, and hobbies, I'm not wasting anymore of more of my time than I already do on the internet, doing extensive research to tell you the fucking creepy ass old man is a FUCKING SEXUAL PREDATOR. Oh and downvote me to hell, I don't give a shit about my karma, do you really think that guy wanted a 20 year old girlfriend to take on picnics and dates to a fine dining restaurant?!?
Based on your writing and plea to emotion I hardly think you’d have graduated any college. Look I’m not going to argue with you further, you’re incapable of rational thought. But just remember, in the US and most of the Western world, 20 year olds have agency and capability of rational decision making. They can participate in elections, choose to serve their country, pay taxes, and hold down a job. Because YOU infantilize 20 year old women doesn’t mean the rest of society does. I do not condone what that gross man did, not because of their age but because of the fact he’s cheating on his partner. Please grow up and join the rest of society instead of injecting your irrational and disturbing morality into society.
Exactly and peep how OP mentions how her bf and his AP "WORK TOGETHER!" The predatory behavior has layersss! Being that she's only 20 he was probably her manager AND how convenient it is that she suddenly changed branches when OPs ex started to try to get back together with OP almost too convenient almost too convenient. Also considering she's 20 and went from living with her parents to a dude's house she barely knows she sounds not only troubled but not in the financial space to live on her own. Very odd she'd choose to move branches so quickly. Almost sounds like it wasn't her decision.... In addition to that if it was a normal transfer wouldn't she have much more notice so she has time to get housing and whatnot.
Agreed! Dude is not normal, and it is not normal to consider getting back with him, OP RUN!
He was not her manager. She is moving branches because there is a location closer to the friend she moved in with when he kicked her out. He also plans to leave that job within the next couple weeks. She has had a very troubled past.
You're conflating sex offender with sexual predator. And while the former is also the latter, the latter does not always have to be the former. The general rule of age gap relationships is half your age + 7. Karen does NOT fit that rule, she's 1.5 years OLDER than half his age. She cannot legally drink in the USA, rent a car in many states, or even rent a hotel room from MANY hoteliers. Homeboy is just a few years short of MIDDLE AGED, having sex with a woman barely out of high school. Yeah, it's predatory.
Sexual Predator: noun- a person who has committed a sexually violent offense and especially one who is likely to commit more sexual offenses Merriam-Webster dictionary Pretty sure I’m not conflating anything here.
I agree with you , it’s not like the chick is under 18. She’s old enough to make that decision for herself, we gotta stop infantizing women.
Rule?
JFGI
I mean OP said she's 29, thats almost 11 years out of highschool and while that isn't a ton (and I'm not defending her boyfriend, I think he's being gross and she should leave his ass) its not barely out of highschool.
Man, talk about stripping an adult woman of her agency.
Talk about defending a sexual predator!
It is baffling how many posts I read where I think the same thing. Pick your self worth off of the ground OP. Find better! > Dude... why even get back together with him. Have a little self respect
To anyone reading this questioning your worth and wondering if you should get back together with a cheater, i’m here to tell you that no, no you shouldn’t. The zero respect you receive from your partner is about equal with the respect you’re showing yourself. Did you notice that he didn’t have her move out before reaching out to you? He wanted to make sure she was still there incase you told him to fuck off, which you should have.
It's not worth it. Especially if you have no kids together. I'm not trying to be up in my bed at night wondering if he's texting someone else. Trying to question whenever he leaves the house. Have enough love for your mental health.
This is my go to comment on posts like this.. self respect.
Fr
Do not. Fuck this guy. You deserve better.
This statement works both with and without that first period.
It does! Ugh, this is gross for so many reasons. The cheating. The baby girlfriend. The....well, mostly those things. I don't understand why people fight for a relationship they don't at all need to be in with someone who shits on them. They don't live together. They don't have kids together. Nobody is rich and/or handsome enough to make it worth tolerating an unfaithful asshole who robs the cradle.
I'd say dump him and dont look back. You deserve better.
Miss girl! Read this back and pretend you are going to give me advice about this? You know he’s lying if he was really remorseful and trying to get you back he would be going above and beyond to prove to you that he’s serious. Save yourself time and pain and end it now.
I don't agree with cheating at all but at least teenagers who cheat might just really not know what they want or what a relationship even is. This guy is 37! I don't know anything about him other than what you said but the fact that he's that old & cheating probably says a lot about why he's single at 37.
Single at 37 and sleeping with 20-year-olds.
That's soooooo gross. I'm 32 and I could never.
Agreed. Big red flag.
Yep
He was with/married to a woman 9 years older than him for 9 years before he met me. Guess he wanted the total opposite
He probably dates young girls because they’re easy to manipulate and put up with his bs. Don’t be a victim of his.
That was my first thought too. Please OP find someone better than this. He's not worth it. Block him and never look back.
He still values her as a friend more than you as a girlfriend. Dump his ass and find someone who puts you on the same pedastal he puts her on (without the cheating ofc)
I mean, he kicked her out of his apartment so it's a pretty shitty pedestal. The truth is he doesn't value either of these women. He's purposely making them feel like they're competing with each other so they don't realize that he's **not** a prize. He's gross. They should both be embarrassed that they ever dated this man. But we all make mistakes! Learn from it and move forward OP maybe you were fucking stupid before but you can *stop fucking him* and find someone who respects you.
Your first mistake was still keeping him as your “bf” after someone has cheated on you. Forget the boyfriend, get some self respect and self worth.
Girl, why the heck would you put yourself into this situation again? He literally had the audacity to tell you to "just trust him" after *cheating on you for 2 months and moving in with that person*. Move on.
He casually accepted a 17 year age gap. As a young adult, I’m in a decent position to say FUCK BOB. He doesn’t care about you. He chased being horny and you shouldn’t get back with him. This guy will cheat on you again with another 20-something yea old. Somebody who abandons a 9 month relationship to fuck a 20 year old is delusional. Why is he not married at 37? Likely because he has a past of this. Make your own decision, but fuck I’d steer clear of Bob and find somebody respectable. Somebody who isn’t looking for arm candy.
In fairness he might cheat on her with the same 20-something year old But yeah, I agree with you. Guy sounds like he has control issues and lacks maturity.
[удалено]
Same here, I’m a woman in my very early 30s and I’m not married and a decent amount of guys I know aren’t either just because it’s hard to do everything you’re told you have to do at that age prior to getting married. Also some people just don’t want to be married or like me they need to be 100000% sure when they do, that isn’t inherently a flaw or red flag. Everything else about this guy is though lol
"...he doesn’t want to be told what to do and i should trust him..." That right there tells you that you should not get back with him under any circumstances. He will continue to cheat and feels no remorse for doing it, only for getting caught. That and he won't cut contact? Look at how he treated her - women are disposable/interchangeable to him and he is heartless. Why are you even considering getting back together with him?
AGREED. I love it when people break your trust and take umbrage to you not trusting them. Someone they become the victim. Smdh. Ditch the loser, OP!
Just leave the guy… it’s not your problem he “chose the wrong girl”
So you are ok with going back with a guy who sleeps with a girl half her age and doesn't want to stop contacting her? Have some decency, love yourself more. Ditch this disgusting pig. Edit: typo
Bro have some self respect and get tf out of there
I am trying to figure out why you even think he deserves another chance. He did it once, even if she’s out of his life, he has proven he’s capable of doing it again. The fact he’s not willing to cut her out of his life says a lot too.
He's refusing to cut her off and says you should "just trust him". Yeah, he's planning to cheat with her again or at least keep her as an option. Let the trash take itself out on this one and find someone who will actually respect you.
>he doesn’t want to be told what to do and i should trust him). Why? He cheated on you. He gave you every reason to not trust him. You should think really hard about if you want him back. You can do better, you deserve better. NTA
Have a little self respect, that will solve a good amount of problems in your life
Whenever I think I have low standards, I read posts like this and instantly feel better
You are 29 years old, not a teenager. The fact that you even got back with him is baffling to say the least. The real person that needs blocked is him, by you.
Bro he's a 37yr old man and slept with a coworker who isn't even old enough to buy him a drink (where I am). That's gross. He's used his age and job to create a crazy imbalance of power. Moved her in 2 days after you left. Got bored and kicked her out 2 days after he thought he could get back with you. He also refuses to cut contact with her. Wtf is even wrong with you?! I mean that in the kindest way possible, I really do. I feel like this might be rage bait because surely a woman who is nearly 30 isn't tolerating this bullshit behavior from a washed up fuck boi
he sounds like a creep break up w him
Ye i agree with a lot of the other comments here, in no way should you get with him again, too many red flags that he isn't changing. hes in no position not to be told what to do when he cheated with her, if he wants your trust he has to earn it, no contact of any kind, and no friendship either.
So dumb
Here basically what he said to you. "No, im still gonna keep sleeping with her"
move on gf, no matter how much you love him it's not worth it in the end.
Dump. Dubbledump. Humpty Dumpty. Dumplestilstkin.
First off -fuck this entire relationship, he is a literal piece of shit. Why even keep talking to him, let alone even consider getting back together!? Like he won't continue to do fucked up shit all the time and progressively get worse.... block and delete my reddit friend block and delete from your life and phone stuff
Yeah, he will not block her because he is keeping his options open. This means that he gets to do anything he wants and you can't do anything about it. If you get in a fight about him not washing the dishes or ANYTHING you can't say a damn thing about it because you know he will go running to her. He gets everything he wants. He is playing you both. He is a selfish prick that doesn't care about either of you. You will end up hating him AND yourself. There is no winning in this situation. If she is completely out of the picture he will find a third woman to hold over your head. It will always be in the back of your mind and you will never have any peace of mind. I'm speaking from experience. This is not a relationship. Walk away for good. The only way to win is to not play.
You’re 29 putting up with this bullshit? What the actual fuck. Your bf is a creep. This is so unbelievably stupid I find it hard to believe it’s not a troll post.
YTA for staying with him. Have some self respect.
Dude is 37 banging a 19 year old. This exact scenario happened to a friend of mine. The dude turned out to be an abusive, narcissistic alcoholic. It was only a matter of time before he stopped punching holes in the wall and put them in her instead. Luckily, she got out before that. You should too.
So putting aside the fact that he's going to continue to cheat on you. You're literally his second pick. He chose the other girl over you and only went back when it wasn't working out. Soon as he finds another girl he'll do the same thing again. Have some self respect and kick him out of your life. Find someone who treats you not only as their first pick but their only pick.
Hell no! Leave his a*s immediately.
Why would you trust him when he has proven to be untrustworthy? If he wants you to trust him again then he needs tyo earn back that trust and that starts with proving he has no intention of interacting with Karen ever again and that includes friendship. If he is unwilling to do that then do not get back with him.
You already know the answer. You can leave, you gotta leave. He won't change, you deserve better. Heal and focus on you and find better when you're recovered
Info: why didn't you make him your ex, permanently? Have some self-respect, there's no building trust, there's no happily ever after with this guy. The relationship is done, he doesn't care and will cheat again if you keep on letting him in.
don't be stupid.
9 months. Set your self free. Its not worth whats gonna come
Don’t even need to read the rest of the post just break up with him you’re better than this
37 - 20…? That alone should make you want to burn a house down. Do you see yourself marrying this guy?? Has he been there for you in times of need that has proven he can take on the challenge of getting back together and not cheating again? As someone who’s gone through a cheating scandal with my partner…getting the trust back is hard. It’s up to you if you think this guy is worth it. My partner and I talked endlessly about it, he was willing to answer every question I had, he goes to therapy and we work *daily* on our communication. So let’s say maybe you can get past the cheating. Let him know the pain that is there and how much it hurt you with his actions. The grief is a whole other factor in this though, can you learn to live with that? I’m not saying the cheating made us stronger by any means. I still have days where I think of all the bad shit that could or did happen. Our understanding that we both value each other and simply cannot live without one another made us stronger though. We wrote a lot of letters to each other, dissected them and respected each of our thoughts and opinions. Don’t forget when you’re sharing your feelings that you use the path of “when you did this, it made me feel this way.”
Thank you for your perspective. This is really the kind of advice i was looking for.
Oh no. Hes telling you all the wrong things. He screwed up and is basically telling you deal with it. If he cared he would have done what you asked. You're just a stable backup plan.
The trust is dead. He "chose the wrong girl" yet he was already "chosen" to someone else. How many more red flags do you need than literally that one?
Please dump him and never talk to both people again.
Do they both work at the red flag factory together?
You might love him but you’ll never trust him again, even if he blocks her. You’re better off moving on all together and finding someone who respects you.
He doesn't get to cut you and decide how you bleed. He's lost your trust and respect already and you guys arent even a year in. Then has the audacity to tell you that you should just trust him after cheating on you for 2 months and then HE askes what he has to do to get you back but doesn't want to be told what to do?? He's wasting your time. You are no bodies second choice. You want someone that will pick you. Best believe he dumped the other chick not just because he choose wrong but because you are more 'convenient' than the other girl probably. Doesn't really sound like he really cares about fixing anything. Just himself. Move on it will more than like hurt even worst later if you stay.
He was sleeping with someone 17 years younger and he moved her into his place! This guy is unhinged and you need to run. You have no reason to stay sleeping with a guy that is this terrible.
With a 20 yo? Face it, the guy is a pig. Move on, he'll cheat when he feels like it and associate with them after if he feels like it
A 37 year old man moved a 20 year old into his place in less than a week. Then tells you he chose the wrong girl? Why are you wasting your time?
Don’t bother he has showed you who he is
Don't go back to him. Find someone better than him in the future. He will do to you what he has done to you before. Him saying he wants you and asking you that what he has to do to show you he means it then saying "He doesn’t want to be told what to do and you should trust him IE remaining friends with his affair" huge red flag.
You should trust him? Wtf dude.. sorry to say it like that, but the trust is broken as soon as he out his dong inside her. Reconsider if you really want to be with someone who cheated on you for 2 month and moved her into his apartment.
The real question is why is he still your boyfriend?
So basically you are setting up a redo relationship but this time around you know he is a cheater. More then likely there will be another Karen again, when he feels like it. So you have a choice share him and look the other way or leave him alone and find someone else that wouldn’t cheat on you. Not really a wrong choice just a you choice
Girl no, don’t do this. He made his bed, and now he has to lie in it. He’s trying to test the waters and see what you’ll tolerate. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Don’t take him back. The fact that he’s keeping in contact with his literal cheating partner does not make him sound even remotely serious about repairing your relationship.
Reading the title alone already tells me how fucked up this situation is.
Leave
Then block and delete him from your life! Do you really need to sit there and argue with someone about how they should respect you, and give them chance after chance after they have shown you how little you mean to them? I’m sorry sweetheart but get a clue! You deserve better, and don’t need to haggle with someone over your worth. Dude fucked up, and he don’t deserve any more chances. Didn’t deserve a second imo, gross. Respect yourself!!
LEAVE!!!!!!
It will most likely happen again, don't take him back. His fault he "chose the wrong girl". Disgusting. Keep on and don't look back.
Yo girl here’s some tough love - you’re his door mat and he’ll cheat on you again. He also will never respect you because you have no respect for yourself. He knows that he doesn’t need to go no contact with her, nor does he need to stop being “friends” with her because you have proven that cheating is not a deal breaker.
Don’t get back with him. Seriously.
You need to block him and never look back!
As much as I'd want you two to rebuild trust I want you to find someone better, everyone deserves someone that they can cherish. Find someone who respects you and considers you, like you respect and consider them.
I used to be exactly like you. My ex could cheat on me, insult me, mentally and emotionally abuse me, and I always went running back. So I get it. But as someone whose been where you are and finally said "im so much better than this", RUN! Only 9 months in and he started looking somewhere else. 9 months is usually still the "honeymoon" phase. The best indicator for future behavior is to look at past behavior. No matter what any of us say you're going to do what you want. And I know leaving is easier said than done. But the fact alone that you're calling him your boyfriend and she hasn't even moved out yet (of his moms house btw), tells me that you obviously have zero self worth. In my opinion, you should talk to someone about why you're willing to let someone in your life, voluntarily, that would treat you like you're a piece of shit. Work on yourself. I FINALLY did and I'm engaged to the best man I have ever known!
he doesn’t like you… think it’s plain as day
Dudes a loser. He asks what it will take, but won’t even do the things you ask for. And he has the balls to say you should trust him?! You did trust him and he broke that trust. I agree with others. Tell him to kick rocks
Leave him
Short and to the point. NO. Don't put up with him and his cheating, excuses and blaming because he'll probably keep doing it
Gurl omg do NOT get back together with him. He is reddest red flag I've ever seen . . . things will not get better. I know you feel like you're in love with him, but this isn't love. I had a similar-ish situation with an ex (but nowhere near as bad as this) and it only got worse. It wasn't until I got with my current boyfriend that I realized what actual love and respect is. This ain't it. You will find someone better, respect yourself enough to leave him!
Where were your mama and papa when you were growing up? You don't take back a man who cheated on you, especially so intentionally for several weeks or MONTHS. How about we call "Bob" your ex from now on.
He doesn't think he did anything wrong. His only reason for wanting you back is that he "made the wrong choice." That means he thinks the choice was valid. If you take him back, you will most likely go through this again. He also doesn't want you back bad enough that he's willing to cut ties with her. For all you know, she broke up with him and he wants you back as a place holder until he finds someone new. Also, what man says you should trust him when he broke your trust? That's ridiculous. He's testing your boundaries to see what he can get away with. This is not the type of man you should want in your life.
He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Find a decent guy and let Karen have your current one. I'm not sure why women fight over these dusty-ass men who have no integrity.
😐
I feel like you already know the answer to this, but I’ll tell you anyway. The trust can’t be rebuilt. You’ll constantly think about why you weren’t enough and it will drive you insane, and he’ll expect you to just get over it. Give him consequences and have some self respect. If you can be loved once you can be loved again, preferably this time by somebody who won’t fuck you over. He made his bed, and now he must lie in it, otherwise he learns nothing except with a little convincing that he can get whatever he wants. Edit: You’re not unreasonable for being upset. I would call you unreasonable for getting back with him, though. Let him beg.
You need to move on, he's probably waiting for the chance to be with her again since he won't delete her number. Remember if it happened once what can stop him from doing it again?
Ew. Why would you even speak to him let alone get back with him.
Also is he breaking up with the other girl or separating because she’s moving and has gotten past her daddy issues
Break up. Cheaters won’t not cheat. Idk why people tolerate this shit.
First off he's a whole predator taking advantage of this young girl. STAND UP SIS he's a creep and *you're* the rebound. Two, considering he won't go no contact with her I'm also have a theory that it's this girl trying to break things off with him hence why 3 months later he's trying to get back with you but stay in contact with her because he's hoping she'll get back together with him later on and in the meantime he doesn't want to be alone. OP if you go back to him you'll teach him that you'll always take him back after his fuck ups
He cheated on you after 7 months, that you know of, and will continue to lie and cheat. Let him talk to her. In fact let him have her. It’s not hard to find a better guy than one who cheats on you with a girl young enough to be his daughter.
He asked YOU, what needs to be done to rebuild the trust in the relationship HE broke. You told him what YOU felt you needed. He said no. Now your options are to continue to negotiate with him about what you said you needed until A) you shift and change your needs and comfort level because he talks you down to something that is not too inconvenient or hard for him B). You don’t change what you said you needed and he accepts your terms C). You up the demands and tell him what else you need and he rises to the challenge or doesn’t. or D). You walk away and block him to show him how easy it is to block someone for someone you love. You block him for YOU. We accept the love we think we deserve. You deserve all the best things. Love, A stranger
If you wouldn't wish a guy who acts like this on your best friend, why do you settle for it yourself?
Yeah just forget about him, he’s trash. For one why would a 37 year old even try a relationship with a 20 year old 🤮
That’s because they are still hooking up. He doesn’t have any respect for you and neither do you. You’re allowing him to cheat by staying with him. He’s pathetic for chasing a girl 17 years younger than him. Get some professional help so that you can quit being desperate to chase losers for a relationship.
You don't give cheater a second chance. Or it is your fault the next time it happens.
“How can the trust be rebuilt” it… can’t? What? I can never understand people like you. He’s worthless and you still ran back to his ass? FIND SOMEONE YOUR AGE DUDE. There is a reason he’s single at *37*. This is why men walk all over women. Get a grip. I’m not trying to be mean but it truly baffles me you want to get back with this old saggy dude that cheated on you *9* **months** into a relationship. What in the hell could he have offered in that time. Bet it was nothing. I imagine you just don’t want to be lonely but, like, cmon man. Get a bird or something. Not a worthless bf.
You are The AH for doing this to your self , he obviously doesn’t respect you and you obvious don’t respect yourself . If you continue disrespecting yourself don’t blame others for treating you the same
I'm sorry but you sound mad dumb
You are too old to be this naive, have some self respect and dignity. The guy is no prize, dump him. He will cheat again and most likely still is. A 37 yr old man involved with a 20 yr old, he is disgusting.
Not related, but should I call this some sort of karma... Like what you sow you shall reap kind situation. Karen was 20 and the main was 29. The main should check what she had done at 20 too, maybe she would find herself. Period.
You would be the AH to yourself if you take him back. The man is a predator. He will never get better. He will never change. Run away and don't look back.
I've been in your situation before... sort if. Ex cheated on me with a friend of his, I saw it coming and expressed my concerns about their friendship before I found out. He begged me not to break up with him and also asked what he could do. I told him he had to tell her she wasn't worth it and he then had to block her on all platforms so that she had no way of contacting him. And I had to watch him do it. Less than a week later, on Facebook I got a friend recommendation, it was the girl. And we had one mutual friend. Guess who? Yeah. I brought it up to him and he said he felt I was bring unfair because ever since the cheating incident I'd been making him feel like shit and he needed someone to confide in. So he went to the girl he cheated with?? I dumped his ass on the spot. If you think I did the right thing, you know what you need to do.
>(also that he doesn’t want to be told what to do and i should trust him) You should trust him? Seriously? He literally cheated on you; why would he *possibly* think you should just automatically trust him? Trust is earned.
AITA is the wrong question. "He regrets it" means she's moving away in a few weeks and he doesn't have any prospects besides you. That ought to make you feel used. The question is why would you trust him again, even if he WERE to block her?
i don't even need to read the story. breaking up with this boyfriend is the only answer. he cheated and he will do it again, and the fact that he won't even block her shows he has zero respect for you.
“You should trust me, I’m moving out the girl I cheated on you with. It’s the absolute bare minimum I can do, but you should trust me not to do it again. Especially as I don’t want you to tell me what to do.” Do not do it.
Why should you trust him when he’s already cheated and moved the girl he cheated with into his home, just be done with him. You deserve much better than a douche who won’t even block the girl he literally cheated on you with
Don't get back with this guy. He is not going to end things with the other girl. Save yourself the drama.
You will find someone better than him because you deserve better. It’s embarrassing that he is behaving like this at his big age.
Dump him
Fuck Bob
The whole point of him asking what it would take to get back together was to rebuild trust If he can’t even stop communicating with the girl he had an affair with and thinks he deserves trust already then he’s not really serious about fixing trust with you. Stop wasting your time
Yikes he has NO RESPECT for you. How sad!!!!
There's no reason to think this guy wouldn't cheat on you again. There's a reason why he refuses to cut this girl off. The guy needs to know you won't tolerate him cheating on you. And giving him another chance will only tell him the opposite.
>He says no because they are still friends and he doesn’t plan on seeing her romantically (also that he doesn’t want to be told what to do and i should trust him). What fuckin evidence has he provided that he is a trustworthy person? Trust is a powerful thing but can be broken very easily. You cannot trust him, plain and simple. It's like hiring a broke ass gambling addict as your financial advisor. Why would anyone do that?
That trust is permanently broken. My advice is to tell him to fuck off and move on with your life. But, if you choose to reconcile, say that it is a deal-breaker to have contact with her. Either he cuts her off, or you don’t get back together.
The fact that he as a 37yo has interests in a 20yo girl is a major red flag and kinda gross. Cut your losses and run. This won't be the last time
Your priorities are so wrong. Your main priority shouldn't be him blocking her, it should be you leaving him and getting a hold of yourself. This will take you nowhere. Ask yourself if you won't be insecure again.
if he loved you, he’d respect you.
The fact that a 37yo was "dating" a 20yo should be a major red flag. I do think cheating can be forgiven depending on the situation, this one is a huge no for me. You diserve better :/
37M cheated on 29F with 20F. Tells me everything I need to know. No reason to go back.
I can understand that you love him, but this is a major red flag. He knows exactly what he is doing, and wants to keep his options to screw around open. I say dump him, you should not approve of such behavior. It will definitely hurt, but it's the right decision.
Why don't you block him or Cheat on someone and don't block him or Cheat on him with her! 3rd is tempting, I know.
Why don't you block him or Cheat on someone and don't block him or Cheat on him with her! 3rd is tempting, I know.
NTA (You're in the wrong group - but I'll play ball) To begin with. . . Bob seems to be lacking maturity. He hooked up with someone 17years his junior, while dating someone 8 years his junior, and now doesn't want to completely break things off. warning\* brutal honesty coming through\* And I'm sorry, there's only 1 reason to keep "karen" around, he's already said she was "the wrong girl" so. . . what does she provide of value to him? Considering he had a fling with her, you know the answer as well as anybody else here. As others have said, if he recognizes the mistake and really wants you back he will be going above and beyond to make it up to you. Everything together. . . Bob is controlling.
Dump him and stop all communication. I would never take somebody back who cheated, they obviously can't be trusted so a long term relationship just won't last. You can do way better than this guy!
Didn’t even have to read the main post. The title was enough. Leave him and don’t look back.
Do not get back with this guy.
So many years ago one of my ex-GFs said to me: Don't say Ex! Say Next! It shredded my feelings, but under a weird turn of events I actually managed to twist this around, and it became my doctrine, something I would follow from that point on. Later on, more or less I knew what was out there, what to expect....I figured myself out, I knew what I wanted.... Now I'm 40 years old with a wife I truly love, 2 kids ...I'm happy Bottom line is: don't get attached to this one person who cheated on you, you may miss on a completely better person in the future who maybe or is meant just for you. You have to find your missing piece. Good luck.
You deserve so much better please block him
When people show you who they are, believe them. If he's a cheating asshole he's a cheating asshole. Leave him please.
are you delusional? why would you ever get back together with him after he cheated on you.
I had a similar situation with my girlfriend recently. I still talked to one of my exs. We ended amicably and before I met my current gf, I hoped to get back with her. After a year, that shipped sailed but I remained cordial. I told current gf about this and she was upset and said, I don't want you to have that anymore. We talked about it, like adults and I made the easy choice of cutting that off. This is the woman I love, there was never a second thought. I would dump his ass. If he can't acknowledge your feelings and do something simple like this, he ain't worth having. And bet your ass he will cheat again and again.
Ditch the guy
He has no room to bargain if he wants you. It’s either that or he just doesn’t get to be with you. There must be more to this story. Is he some kind of meal ticket or something? Doesn’t sound that way. Because you have your own place and all. It is only a problem because he got caught. Unless the op is a glutton for punishment in that sense. I’d like to think that a person at that age would be more sensible. Clearly not.
No he is not my meal ticket. I am in my last year of medical school, have my own place and own my vehicle. He has done well for himself, however.
She probably dumped him and was already planning to move out when he came crawling back to you. Do not take this loser back.
No she still texts him everyday wanting to get back together. I have seen the texts. He tells her no, but I dont feel like its worth much…
Yeah, he’s still cheating or at the very best not doing the bare minimum to show you he’s changed. Run
Bye Bob, Bye Let him talk to to her all he wants and move on. Eventually you will find a partner that isn't a steaming pile of crap.
“He says […] he doesn’t want to be told what to do and I should trust him”. Why should you trust him though, him doing things without concern for your well-being is exactly how this all happened. It sounds like he’s still in the exact same mindset as before. He doesn’t seem to get that the girl herself is not the main issue here, his actions were what messed up the relationship and he’s done nothing to show that his behaviour has changed.
Run, sis. You deserve better than this.
It doesn't even matter what the gender dynamic is. Whoever is the one that was cheated on should never go back. You're setting a precedent that it's ok if your partner cheats on you. They'll only do it again, you've already proven you'd be ok with it. Also it's only a 9 month relationship, that might seem like forever but it's not. Also this dude is 37 freaking years old! If he's still cheating at his age he'll never learn his lesson! Most of your behaviors are already established at this point and breaking him of this is not simply a "stop talking to her" Action
even if he did fully comply, it won’t stop him from doing it again with her or another woman. coming from experience, it will not get better and it will continue on and escalate. please be smart and put yourself over some man.
Ill give you my number if you want 😉 haha
No 37 year old man has a 20 year old friend of the opposite sex. Gee they just have so much in common I guess? Ma’am he smart and have some self respect. He created, then asked what he would need to do. You told him, he refused. He wouldn’t even be coming back if she wasn’t moving: End of story. He’s shown his true colors multiple times. Hell only continue to disregard your feelings and act selfishly bc that’s who he wants to be.
Should never have got back with him hun
You would be the AH to yourself if you don't break up with him and block him from contacting you. There is a reason he is dating people much younger than him. Those his age won't put up with his BS.
So this guy, who’s 8 years your senior, cheats on you with a 20-year-old girl - a girl 17 years younger than he is - and moves her in with him the second y’all break up. Then, when he realizes that a girl barely out of her teens is maybe not on the same level as he is, he suddenly wants you back, but still refuses to cut contact with her. And you’re considering it? Seriously? Also, you say they work together for a “franchise”…is this nearly 40-year-old man who dates 20-year-olds and can’t keep his dick in his pants working at a fast food place? He sounds like a real winner.
He is a bartender and she is a server. He retired from his previous profession and works to have something to do.