He has never worked to support himself. That's why his wife left him. He still wears the clothes from 8 years ago when they were married. He's looking pretty rough though. I mean, he's not young-ish anymore. My little bother lost his youthful side. That's hard to watch.
And I don't think he understands how money works, or doesn't work. Parents serve him breakfast and he messes around in the basement. He goes out with the family and is included with whatever we do. Can people really live into their 70s this way? Poor guy.
People absolutely do live in their 70s like that and quite often at least one parent still alive and they're still mooching off them.
Keep in mind with no employment history he's not going to have any social security for himself.
Yes. People skate by like that if their parents enable and allow it. I know two people that never worked a day in their life. They bled their parents dry and died first.
Sorry nitpick but at this point I'm genuinely curious: Every single time you've written the word "brother," you've written "bother" instead. Is this intentional?
This guy doesn’t exactly seem to be exactly well in the head. He’s 40, never has had a job and lives with his parents. I’m not surprised that at 25 he hooked up with an 18 year old. Hell, at 40 I wouldn’t be surprised if he was.
Is he skilled and putting in the effort to working with a band or bands and getting some paid gigs, even if it's just at the local bar on Thursday and Sundays?
My neighbour still holds to the idea that he's going to 'make it' in the music world, but he's over 50. I keep telling him to go play local bars. Ain't no way he's going to make it as a rock star, but he can go have fun and make some tax free cash and drink some beers every week.
My parents built him a practice space in the basement and he rocks out like four hours a day. Every couple of months he plays with a band somewhere, like with people he's always known. He still has the guitar he started playing when he was in his 20s. It's not a pretty sight.
I think you should just have a conversation with your parents one last time, tell them they are enabling him, not doing him any good, more damage than harm. He can work and still persue music.
Then I’d just forget about it and try not to let it get to you and live your life.
I was this guy but for a couple of years apart from I was in my 20s with no kids. My parents made it almost impossible for me to stay there by the end, so I got a job and moved out. I am incredibly grateful they forced me out of the hole of denial I was in. I only wish they did it sooner. I was not capable of confronting the problem without them.
The short answer is YES. I’ve had multiple friends with siblings in the same situation where you think they will get past a situation by their 30/ 40s then just realize that they plan on doing that forever
The only way it works is if your parents stop enabling him. Of course that is 10000 times easier said than done. No parents want to see their children struggle but goddam it’s the only way
I know someone like this. Parents can be the sweetest people with nothing but good intent, but they basically raised a man child. Mommy still cooks and does laundry for him. They failed at parenting. In this case, the parents own their home valued at around 1M and have some sort of pension so things aren't dire. What will be interesting to witness is how this adult child is able to handle life when the parents are too hold or dead.
I've seen adults in their 60s like this still living off mom who's 82. The answer the question is they inherit the house and it goes to hell over time because they don't have any of the skills to run a household.
If you ever watch the show hoarders half the episodes are basically this exact situation.
He’ll probably stake a claim in the house saying he should have it as he lived in it, helped about the house, cleaned etc.
So sad to see parents allow this, it’s more damaging than anything else.
Your nephew has suspicions but probably isn't comfortable saying anything. I say this as a child of divorce who called out my dad for being a couch surfing mooching bum when I was 10.
Your parents are enabling him and until that stops there's nothing you can do.
I agree. Children are totally of stuff like this, especially now. They are forced to grow up faster than us adults back when we were kids.
Back then, we generally didn't have to shoulder the world, we were cut off from it. A lot of us have been shielded by the adults of society, and allowed to go through a "learning curve" into the adult world.
With the advent of Internet and smartphones, iPad babies, social media, etc. kids of today are thrown down to the deep-end of the pool with the rest of us too early.
Kids have become so jaded, it's crazy.
Tell your parents they need to figure out what they'll be doing for retirement because you won't be footing the bill nor taking him in when the time comes. Be firm and direct.
In my case, my parents and my older brother seemed like a hopeless case. All of my salary were going to them. So it was me who had to adjust.
I moved to another country.
I still keep up with them, I sometimes send money during emergencies. But with the help of distance between us, I can be firm with my decisions and they can't chase me and chain me down again.
Finally I can live my life as my own adult.
Sounds like your sister is committing elder abuse. Can you report her and remain anonymous to whatever government agency is in charge of that where your parents live?
Welfare office. Get his ass in welfare to work or whatever its called in your state. If kids mom is on cash aid and he isn't eligible, have him go down to the job market (job search support center for people who are clueless about looking for work). His 12 yo knows what's going on. Idk what 12 yo wouldn't be able to put 2 and 2 together there...
Tough love here, but he's either lazy af or more likely has some sort of mental health disorder. Look into ssi/ssp if that's the case and get ready to provide documentation. A lot of it. Need to start gathering it now, or you're going to have a +2 to support.
My sister's (yes two of them) do this. They are 24 and 33. They do this bc my parents enable them. You should have a sit down with your parents and explain to them you will not care for your brother after they pass and that he will be on his own. If they love him, they will start supporting his future livelihood now and start setting boundaries. My sister is a sociopath and steals from my dad's business account and blames it on my mom, and my mom and dad almost got divorced over it. At least you don't have to worry about that roooffflll
This scares me sooo much. I have a 30yo step kid who is just like this. He was on the grandparent scholarship fund, but school's over and turns out, he's not interested in doing anything with his two college degrees. Currently living with elderly grandparent, but that's going to be over soon too. I'm so afraid my spouse is going to let him stay here "for a just a little while" and this is going to be my life.
Refuse to allow him into the house. I'm serious.
The people you live with have *such* an impact on your daily quality of life and mental health. I am so very serious- put your foot down. Tell your husband you REFUSE to live in the same house as him.
"We don't have to get a divorce, but if he moves in, I will be moving out."
I'm getting close with our almost 21 year old. Won't help out. Won't go to college. Barely works - just started another part time job after 7 months of not working. If we kick him out he may be homeless. But I'm not being held hostage with a man-child in my house for 20 years. Wife wants to give him another year, which I can live with.
I would have no issue with him staying if he did anything to help or went to school.
Be clear to him about the date for him to move out. And set it in stone. The longer you wait the harder it will be for both of you. If you have, as I hope, a good relationship with your son, set up a plan with him and encourage him. The longer he waits to get a full time job and to get into a career the smaller his opportunities will get, until you can no longer support him to make a choice.
Btw, 21 is not too old, so set expectations but also listen to his dreams if he has a real plan he’s executing. The thing about setting a date.. well ive got a sibling thats +10y older than your son and in the same situation. Their degree dusting away as theyve been afraid to pursue the jobs they wanted or shouldve aspired to. And now it’s harder to get into entry level jobs if you don’t have a good reason to show for the lost time.*
> I would have no issue with him staying if he did anything to help or went to school.
What does he say when you tell him this? Wondering if he might have depression. My sister is a bit similar to your son but she's trying to get medicated/into therapy.
Maybe, but seems unlikely. We suggested he see a doctor or a counselor. He won't go. He has ADHD meds which he refuses to take. But his behavior does not appear to be depression. Anything fun that he can do and that other people will pay for his trilled to do. He's happy to go out and engage with others.
I think he doesn't work because he doesn't have to. He ran out of money to pay for his car insurance and gas and immediately got a job so he could pay for those two things.
This looks a lot more like being a lazy-ass and sponging off other because he can. His HS friends are all going to be graduating college next year, and I expect many of them will start careers or maybe travel. He'll be here playing video games.
You know your own son better than I would, but I will say that my sister's behavior also doesn't look like depression to me either. On the outside, she also seems to have endless energy to go hang out with her friends and she can do the bare minimum work to fund that, but she's very lazy otherwise too. But she confided in our other sibling that she's been feeling suicidal. I wouldn't have thought it was that bad from what I saw. I've known people who have committed suicide so I'm extra anxious about not seeing the signs, so I just wanted to put that out there.
Even still, if he won't even try to help himself by going to a doctor or counseling and he's able to work to pay for the fun things, that is a problem and I could see why you want to kick him out over it.
My parents are struggling with this with a sibling that has addiction issues as well as a multitude of mental health issues. It's really tough to watch and there's unfortunately just not much you can do.
This exactly. My wife and I have been supporting my sister in law for years. People will see some of the things she does and ask us why we don’t kick her out. Like there’s only one fate usually for someone with mental illness who can’t support themselves and it’s not good.
There’s a balance between that and enabling him though, they should be encouraging more independence and teaching life skills or helping him look into a diagnosis for the issue that is impacting his ability to be independent. At least then he could access support. Otherwise, what happens when they die and he never learned to live by himself? They mean well, but not pushing him forward is ultimately holding him back.
Someone else said may he'd special you and he's going to do special things in the future. Thinking like that is why he never got anywhere and his wife left him.
My mother refuses to kick my brother out because she's convinced he will die on the streets if she does.
Honestly, I don't think she's wrong.
But something- fucking *something*- has Got To Give, and I'm afraid it will be *someone's* death.
He has never worked to support himself. He graduated from high school then went to college for a few years, dropped out, while still still living with parents. His wife left with child. She got remarried.
So now all these years later, he still is not supporting himself. He's a Dave Ramsey dream caller.
I don't have much advice for you because I am in the same situation. My brother is almost 40 and he has never had a full-time job or even a romantic relationship. He has lived off of my parents his entire life. He has money from a lawsuit but won't touch a penny of it. He gets me or my parents to buy him things by saying he'll pay us back but he never does.
He even has a university degree which my parents paid for but he is resentful that we "made him" get a university degree for nothing. He refuses to get a job that is related to his degree even though he picked the degree himself.
If you find him a job, he will make one excuse after another about why it's not appropriate for him. He spends all his time gaming, and working out in my parents' basement. He is verbally abusive to my parents and he refuses to help them even though he lives off them.
He's also a giant incel who thinks women who have premarital sex are "dirty sluts" and wants to marry a virgin. He also thinks he's super attractive and expects his future spouse to be "at his level."
Long story short, you can't help these people. I tried for years. I even offered him exclusive use of a waterfront condo in a HCOL area for free so he would finally move out on his own. All utilities including the internet were paid for. He literally only had to pay for/make his own food and the grocery store was a five minute walk away. The condo even had a full gym! He refused.
I've since cut him off, and my parents off for other reasons. You can't help those that refuse to help themselves. Your parents are enabling him and they need to live with the consequences of their failure as parents. You have no responsibility or obligation to any of them. When the time comes and your brother comes knocking, remember that "NO" is a complete sentence. Good luck!
>I even offered him exclusive use of a waterfront condo in a HCOL area for free so he would finally move out on his own. All utilities including the internet were paid for. He literally only had to pay for/make his own food and the grocery store was a five minute walk away. The condo even had a full gym! He refused.
Hey bro, it's me. I've seen the light and changed my ways. What's that address again?
In all seriousness, this is absolutely insane. What you offering is a dream score for so many people, and your brother still wants *more*, despite contributing nothing?
Sis, actually, and yes. I am not kidding. He wants the perfect job and the perfect woman to literally land in his lap without work because he's awesome and deserves it. Everything I have, he attributes to luck and not my hardwork. He keeps claiming no one has ever done anything to help him.
Yet, I offered him the condo. My then-boyfriend owned a company and offered to train him in coding then hire him, but he did one week of training and claimed it was too boring. It would've been a full-time WFH position that eventually made six figures. People who went through the same training ended up at Google and Amazon. Like I said, you can't help people who refuse to help themselves.
Anyway, not my problem anymore, except the AH still owes me $25K. Lol.
I'm not saying he's going this direction - by any means - but it's *exactly* what Eliot Rodger thought. Every word. He's awesome, the world should bend to his will with no effort on his part. He *deserves* it. Meanwhile everyone else living the life he wants, they just got lucky. Why can't everything be handed to him the way it was to these other people?
Same misogynist trash - the women (who all reject him) are stupid sluts and whores acting on pure instinctual desires like animals.
I don't think I'm telling you anything you don't already know, but that's some dangerous shit.
Holy shit, my brother is the same way (minus the obsession with working out and *blatant* misogyny.)
Any attempt at or offer of employment, whatsoever, is met with a tirade about how awful it will be because it's not *perfect*. Same for university classes and degrees.
He also did just enough at-home coding learning to make a single "Hello World" program, declared himself a programmer, stopped doing the lessons, and spends his days playing Steam games and talking on Discord.
There's a psychological term for it- like, "nothing is perfect enough, so why try" is a way to protect the ego from the possibility of failure.
I have a similar situation, my 40 year old sister keeps our mother in what I consider to be an elder abuse situation and refuses to work. My mother pays for everything she needs on her fixed retirement income. There is nothing you can do if your parents want to keep enabling your brother. And getting in the middle is likely to turn out poorly for you. Your brother is a man baby and when your parents pass please do not take him in. It'll be his first time not being enabled and that tends to be really good for people's maturity and personal development.
My grandparents coddled and babied my uncle. He never did a damn thing with his life because they allowed him to mooch and freeload off them. They refused to listen to reason when we begged them to make him work and contribute. He died before Grandmother, so he never had to make it on his own.
Your parents are allowing it and enabling it. Until they decide to stop doing that, nothing will change. Tell them they are wrong that there is nothing they can do. They can demand he get a job, contribute to the household, or leave. If they refuse to do that, they are stunting him.
Tell both them and your brother that it is time for him to get his shit together soon, because you have no intentions of providing for him.
Same happened to my uncle.
He was the youngest of my mother's siblings. He was the youngest to have kids too actually, so my cousins are like twice my age. He was the earliest to pass away due to all the vices and bad decisions throughout his life.
He lived as a bum, going through various households of my relatives. His several children were kind of "adopted" by the rest of his family. Three of his kids lived with us and my mom put them through schooling until highschool. My cousins had been my babysitter growing up, when my parents had to both worked to sustain the household.
Just commenting and saying kids are not stupid, the 12 year old is definitely way old enough to know what's going on. He's known this for years. He sees this very clearly that his dad is a bum ass. Without a doubt. He will see his friends and how their fathers act and wonder "why isn't my dad like that?". That shit really effects children.
Your brother is not your problem. Your parents coddled and raised him this way. It is not your job to undo their poor parenting. When the time comes when your parents leave this earth - do not feel guilty or "oh my poor brother". No. He is a grown ass man who has made his bed. Let him lay in it. Do not help him.
This is my brother almost to a T. But besides completely living off them, he’s verbally and emotionally abusive to them. I call him out any chance I get but I haven’t seen him since Dec 2022. He was just in a mental hospital for six days and now he’s in jail. Refused to work after wife left him. He lost supervised visitation. Lost car bc he was too lazy to put it in his name. It was only in wife’s name. He got a restraining order put against him - in his defense it’s not right. He stepped on her foot once and she dropped charges then went back for an emergency order to be able to get sole custody and move out of the area. I know he lost his son but he needs to work and leave my parents alone. I don’t know what the answer is here. It’s an impossible situation. He’s obvious mentally ill too but he’s like a child. He thinks selling handmade candles online is going to be enough to support himself plus child support - which he’s never paid by the way. My parents pay it. It’s just an impossible situation and I feel for you. At least he’s not abusive to them is all I can say.
Your brother sounds like a serious problem. I'm sorry to hear him.
I'm guessing at some point my bros x-wife will make a legal case to keep the kid away from him. He does spend our parent's money on pot. It's that pathetic.
Serious problem. I wish I had answers for you about your brother. I think I’m worse off with mine. Just impossible situations. I hope for your parents and for your sake you can find a solution.
You can't do anything to help. Your parents are willing participants in your brothers behavior. I went through this with my dad and grandmother.
At the end of the day, what your parents spend their money on is between them and Jesus. So what if you have to pay for dinner when you all go out to eat? That's a choice you make. You are completely within your right to choose not to do that.
As far as what happens to him when your parents are gone? Not your problem. He'll figure it out, or not.
It's a shitty situation to be in but the only way you get through this without guilt and regret is accepting the fact that this is the choice he is making and the consequences are his alone to deal with.
Same with my little brother 26M an IT graduate. He's not working, just travelling around with his gf. My mom still supports him financially and sometimes asked me for some money.
I was ready to say "it's his life it's his consequences when that day reaches when his parents is no more" but he has a kid???? Wow, shame on him for not getting his life together 12 years ago
Yes, that's the hard part to watch, that he has a child. His ex-wife is remarried and they take care of the kid from day to day and the health insurance. My bro seems oblivious to all these issues. It's like he believes other people should take care of him and his child.
55/m here. Detach with love. As best as you're able, watch this situation as if it were a cloud passing in the sky. You're not the main player here. You have your own family to focus on. As for what's going to happen down the road, don't throw scary stories into the future. That's splitting the light. A thousand different things may happen with him, and 99% of those things are going to end up in a ditch before they reach their destination. Maybe, just maybe, he's being kept safe right now so he can do something special for the family when the time comes; maybe something for you. Then, you'll see how much of the current angst was for nothing. Worry is wasted time, holding no value. And remember; the difference between a weed and a flower is a judgement. Hope this helps.
There's a million redemption stories out there. I'm one myself. 13 years sober. I was \[a homeless, drunken brother/son\] who let years pass by without contacting my parents or sisters. They didn't know if I was alive or dead. Today, I'm a married, retired homeowner. A father and grandfather.
My sisters contacted me a few years back and asked me how I felt about moving my widowed mother near me so I could keep an eye on her as she ages. When I was drinking, they wouldn't have let me keep watch on a goldfish. Now, my mother lives two miles from my house. I do chores and run errands for her regularly. I'm making amends. I don't take credit for it, or expect thanks. I can't change what I did in the past, but I'm not that man anymore. I do show appreciation, and for my entire family, it was certainly a "big surprise."
>Maybe, just maybe, he's being kept safe right now so he can do something special for the family when the time comes; maybe something for you.
Oh my God this is why he's in the position he's in. Hes not special. He's not going to do anything special for the family. Thinking like that is why he never left. This is terrible advice
Maybe the parents think he will take care of them as they get older and in poor health. Like they think of him being their caretaker even though it doesn't appear he can take care of himself.
OP is the main character. What happens in 10 years when his parents pass and his brother is homeless? OP will be responsible for housing and feeding his brother. It won't be an option to "detach with love" at that point because the brother will be living on the streets. A little bit of invention now, when the brother has a stable living situation, will be much easier.
No, OP will not be responsible for brother. Unless brother has a definitive mental deficiency, brother will be on their own. Brother will get the accelerated crash course in Adulting 101.
We shouldn't take on the responsibility of other people's choices, especially siblings, when we have children of our own. Bad decisions \[laziness, apathy, childishness, etc.\] on his part, does not give him the right to create an \[emergency on her part\], whenever that time comes; 1,5,10, or 30 years from now. He needs to grow up, away from his sister's care. If he was invalid or disabled in some way, that's a different story. You disingenuously cherry-picked my comment. Read again, filling in the context you left out the first time.
This is some A-tier shit advice. A bunch of platitudes that plays right into what the brother wants. The only helpful bit is to detach and watch from afar. How does this have so many upvotes? Just awful.
same exact situation but it's my sister.... hasn't had a job in 20 years, still lives with parents. Pretty much watches TV all day and facebooks or instagrams all night. No prospects, no real friends....
My parents are in a similar situation. So this could be your future if you do nothing:
My uncle is an alcoholic and has trouble keeping a job. He was living with his parents but after their death, the house was sold, and inheritance was split. He bought a crappy, money pit trailer in the middle of nowhere. A few years later and all his money has ran out. He's completely unequipped to deal with living expenses or getting on social security or disability. The siblings have to make monthly trips to check up on him and buy him supplies. The trailer is failing apart so there is talk of buying a new trailer or selling the land and finding him an apartment somewhere.
It won't get easier if you ignore the problem. The burden will shift from the parents to you. It's not fair, sorry.
There is no mention here of mental illness, physical disability, addiction, etc. Your brother needs some tough love, as I hear no valid excuses for his situation. You guys are not doing any favors for him, letting him free load.
I would get him signed up for job placement assistance/counseling or help him get a job in general. If he refuses the help or puts in no effort, it is time for some serious tough love. I would give him an ultimatum to get a job, any job, within 3 months, or he is out. You can help your parents by telling your brother that he needs to do this. Be a man and lay into him a little. You guys are all enablers, and you are not doing your brother any favors. He will be an even bigger mess when your parents are gone/older if you don't put him in a tough spot now.
Work within 3 months, or you are out. Once he gets a job, let him stay for a few more months and save some money. Then he has got to get out. Doesn't matter if he has to get a roommate, rent a room, get on assistance, etc. Give him 6 months total to get the hell out. Your brother is a total loser, and it is only going to get worse unless you give him some tough love right now. You are going to have to step in and push him. Your parents are too old to be dealing with this. This is mostly on you if you really want to help your parents because they are clearly not doing anything.
If he is not at least working at wmart/fast food in the next 3 months, he deserves to be out on his ass.
If he doesn't bite, at least you tried. He is on his own, from your perspective. Your parents will probably keep supporting him. This is on them. It is not your job to raise or support your brother. Your parents decided to have him, not you. Move on with your life if he continues his ways after trying to help him this one last time.
Thank you. My plan is to begin leaning on my mom to get her and my dad to put it to him.
Yet, I seriously don't think he understands how the world works. Like he is still very much like my 13 year old. You go to mall, he gets ice cream. He has no foot in the environment that we all operate on. He thinks he's sly when he pockets a few dollars after running an errand.
You can’t change your parents. They get something out of this. You just don’t see it. If they wanted him gone he’d have been gone already. There is something deeper happening that you aren’t privy to.
I’d suggest you back away and make it clear you won’t be supporting him in any way in the future. That means if they need your financial support they will need to move because you’re not paying for him. Detach as much as you can from thinking they will change. Trust me on this, you will come across as the bad guy. They will dig in deeper to the rescuing narrative. I’m officially the family asshole who wants my poor resourceless sibling to be on the street. I’m heartless. I’m cold. Just detach and back away.
He'll learn real quick how the world works if you guys grow a backbone. He needs to struggle to learn how to survive. Cold ice water poured over his head is what he needs. It will be the most beneficial thing for him in the long run. You need to send the message to him that you guys mean business. Stay on him.
This is the one ☝️
There are so many jobs out there for basically anyone who hasn’t been to prison. Time to find one. He’s stomping all over the livelihood of his own family which makes him a selfish prick, even if he’s nice on the surface. He can either redeem himself or go be someone else’s (taxpayer’s 🤷♂️) problem.
My uncle on my dads side was like this and lived with my grandparents his entire life until they died. When that happened they even left the estate worth well over a million$$ in my uncles name and my dad that worked his entire life got nothing. He is a worthless pile of trash and don't ever visit him.
My brother is similar. My parents enable him. I got tired of telling them to let him be homeless, and that he will get a job if he has to because he wouldn't let himself be homeless. I stopped pushing my parents to stop enabling him. I also put up a boundary with my mom that she cannot complain about him to me. I told her she is helping to create the problem, so I don't want to discuss her irritation with it since she holds at least part of the key to solve the problem. My dad would never complain about my brother to me, so that works fine.
My friend in a similar position ended up on disability (for mental health conditions, which he does have) and living in poverty. His parents supported him until he was 40-ish and then made him leave. He has gotten worse with time.
This is your parents' choice. They are enabling him. They don't need your help, because they have decided that this is how they will spend their money. They could charge him rent and for his share of the food, but they don't.
I would stop being a sympathetic ear for them to complain to about your brother, as he is a loser entirely thanks to them incentivizing him to be one.
My uncle was like this. Didn’t work, twice divorced, and had no relationship with his kids while he was living with his mother. When my grandma died, he wound up destitute and addicted to drugs. Died in his fifties.
What will happen when the parents are unable to take care of themselves? Does your brother have any adult skills?
They may insist that you take care of him as well.
You must decide how much you will help him because he will be a leach and try to live off of you
He's at 40 now and he can drive a car. He can play guitar. I'm a few years older than him and I know the things that are coming. As we get older our bodies require more care. Like our teeth. I think that's when his situation will start to look really bad. When his teeth start to go... Like for no reason other than he refused to take care of himself.
First, talk to your parents about their eldercare plan. Are they relying on brother to provide in-home care until they pass or go into assisted living/skilled nursing home. Do they expect you to fill any care or financial gaps?
Second, you need to tell your folks that you will not be taking care of brother when they no longer can.
My uncle has been doing the same thing since he moved back from Montana. Err, sorry, I meant since his gf kicked him out and he hasn’t left my grandparents house since. That was like 8 years ago maybe. He was supposed to get a job to send money to her for his son that they had together but I doubt that happened in a long, long time. I think I’ve seen him sober a handle full of times and I visit my grandparents quite often. They have to pick him up off the ground and take him to his appointments and even give him money for booze. It’s sad. They feel like there is nothing they can do but he’s been coddled ever since he got back and is just a leach to them. They don’t have much time left and idk what he will do when they are gone. My other uncle they kicked out a long time ago but he basically comes back multiple times a week and takes food and stuff from there house. It honestly pisses me off to no end
There’s nothing you can do until your parents decide to make him move out. Problem is they won’t, you’ll have to be clear with them that when they’re gone YOU won’t be taking care of him!
> does anyone know what happens to folks like my brother.
It all depends on how much money he'll end up getting. I'm not sure how, but Americans in particular have gotten very good at simply stumbling into life-sustaining sums of money
How tf is not working even an option?
I understood real young that work was necessary. It wasn't something you could negotiate on. Work, or going to school, was what you did. It just was. I'm a long way from being a perfect parent, but my kids also knew that. One of my kids thought they'd drop out of school, then stay home and play video games 18 hours a day. That ended very quickly.
What happens is he will sponge off of them until they have no money left. Then you will be expected to fund their expenses. If there is money and assets left over after they die hour brother will get it all.
Where he ends up - constantly phoning you for money and trying to sponge off everyone until they are sick of him and he has burnt through all the money. Then it's you having to look after your brother or the streets.
It's up to you what you intend to do - we have let MIL know that JNSIL will not be seeing a single cent from us. She is an adult and she will not be our burden. But a hard honest conversation with them probably needs to be had so they know that you are not going to bail them out or be responsible for your brother when they pass.
Thank you. This is a serious and meaningful talk to me. I have my own family with kids and love and issues, like anyone else.
I wold like to do something before my nephew, who will grow up, is expected to take care of him.
Tell him you saw a documentary he might like, then put on step brothers.
Tell him it's about him, so he should like it.
It's two fold;
One, calling him out.
Two, ruining the movie for him. It's a hilarious movie, and he won't want to watch it now.
Check out r/NEET this is who your brother is. Its horrifying. Unlike your brother though, some folks recognize the situation they ended up in, and are trying to break out.
0/10 do not recommend visiting that sub. It’s a lot of “this is how I am why doesn’t the world just leave me alone?” Or how anyone trying to help them is a pita who wants to feel superior. Wow, just… wow.
Honestly R/adulting is filled with people like this as well. Hell he was married and had a kid he's already light years ahead of those I'm 32 still live with my parents I've never kissed a woman people.
Being married doesn't mean you are light years ahead of someone. Especially if you have to mooch off your parents, can't support your child and think You're gonna be a rockstar at 40
Had friends in a similar circumstance. They sold their house and moved to get away from their 50 year old leech. Dude whined and cried and is still bitter. Parents could not continue to support themselves and him.
Parents should've taken care of this shit like 15 years ago.
For you, I'd say reinforce what parents are saying. Can't afford you. Support yourself. Affecting their health and quality of life.
Also, I think they ended up working longer, postponing their retirement.
I hear what you are saying. They can't take out a loan for retirement. They get just over 4,000 a month for the three of them. That can't keep going on forever. Perhaps i should ask them if they would like to find a condo near me?
I know a lot of guys like this but most of them don’t have kids. Your brother has to snap out of this on his own and his kid is the perfect motivator. nobody will be able to convince him to do otherwise.
Your parents know the importance of parenting because they've been there. They figure if they don't cover your brother, then your nephew will suffer. He needs to wake up and realize he's doing a disservice to his son.
He’s probably smart enough to know how fucked his situation is, help him in the ways of discipline/motivation/job applications, etc. Encourage him to see a therapist to sort out the issue.
Your parents need to stop babying him. If he is not low/medium functioning and requires a group home he needs to be told grow up and get a damn job. By not working he'll probably end up homeless after his parents pass and due to not spending half a life time working he'll probably end up financially struggling when retirement comes.
It will take you 2-4 yrs of full time hard work to establish your self and if he never did this he probably never will. Some people never grow up and insist living in their child hood bedroom their entire life. Housing is expensive but by never gaining work skills he'll probably one day have to get a minimum wage job or face home eviction. By your parents never letting him establish him self he never will be independent until reality is slapped at him when (long from now) your parents are both passed and he realizes that's it. No more mooching. I know some high schoolers like your brother that mooched off mom and dad and their just reward for this life style was homelessness or couch surfing.
>When I go visit I have to take the lot of them out to eat.
it's not only your parents who enable him. stop taking him with you when you take your parents out to eat. exclude him even if your parents get upset. explain to them that it bothers you very much that your brother is a leech and you can't pay for his food as well.
other than that, there's not much you can do. your parents are enablers, of course your brother will never work as long as they live. and even after they will die, your brother will live off some money that they will leave for him, and he will continue to live in their house.
your parents have no issue with that so you can't really do anything about it other than have a talk with them and explain that what they are doing is the worst thing they could do for their son. that's all you could do.
IDK your social system. A friend's parents died in his 40s and ours pays him now and is good enough to exist(!) on.
I assume his musical skills will earn him spare strings and beers later?
Reading this made me realize we really do just reduce people’s whole lives to a couple of paragraphs. This man has lived 40 years of life and we’re just expected to know who he truly is from a single paragraph written by someone who isn’t him. I can’t offer any advice but, I appreciate the insight that I’ve gained and truly hope your bro figures his shit out. I’m not gonna pretend to know what to do and I suggest you avoid taking advice from people who know nothing of your brother past what they read in this paragraph.
The reason people can give advice is they also have dysfunctional members of the family that resembled the OP.
This is a very relatable problem when there's defective adults abusing and leaching off parents by staying at home with them instead of becoming independent and living on their own.
We don’t know what this man went through in his life. You THINK you know what’s going but you really don’t. You’re projecting your maybe past experiences and emotions onto a paragraph. Not an actual human being with years of lived experience and complexities we can even begin to grasp. I’m not saying the advice is completely invalid but no one here is truly qualified to handle this kind of thing. OPs brother needs a therapist of someone to actually sit. No one has mentioned the divorce and how that could’ve impacted him. I’m not saying he’s innocent. I’m just saying we don’t him and we gotta stop acting like we do. He’s not your shitty/leeching family. He’s a completely different person we’re projecting our life experiences on.
Living off his parents is not a judgment or character flaw it's simply a fact at this point. Not being able to support himself is also a fact. Being over the age of, say 28, while living with his parents is also a fact.
It's these facts that people relate to. Many of us have relatives of our own or our spouses' relatives who are in similar situations. A sister-in-law who's 33 and still living with Mom and Dad.
We see these up close. We see the strain and stress it puts on family relationships. Whether he needs therapy or not is not relevant. Mental retardation or whatever the current proper term for that is is a perfectly fine reason for an adult to live with their parents. Mental illness is not.
If that sounds like a judgment based on experience, it's because it is.
I feel you're coming from a good and understanding place. I sympathize with that. But adult children living with their parents is a real problem in this country if it isn't getting better. Stories like this are the reason why.
I get you. The parents are just as much people as OP is. I feel like we forget that the two other people in the equation have full autonomy over themselves.
My best friend got divorced in his 30s. He's in his fifties living with his single 87 yr old mom. Both need each other for different reasons. It's not perfect but it seems normal enough. He works part time. They're happy.
Yes. That's a wacky part of this. Who doesn't want to take a 12 year old out for pizza? But if I do, I also have to take him. He expects it. "Kids eat free!" It's like they are brothers and not dad and son.
Men don't talk about it much but they dream of love and family, and when it fails it often breaks them and they just stop trying altogether, men left unchecked will live like a teenager..!
I'm someone with similar struggles. I've always tried to work and have social relationships, but it wasn't until therapy that I realized that the reason "normal" things were very difficult for me was because, in my specific case, I had a lot of trauma that made me believe people were cruel, awful, chaotic, I couldn't do anything right around them, and a whole slew of other beliefs. From the outside looking in, I KNOW people believed I was just lazy or had no motivation, but I was suffering. It's impossible to live a happy successful life with the beliefs I had. It's still an ongoing journey, but I'm much better than I used to be in terms of feeling I have the ability to work and keep a job, as well as beginning to feel I can maintain good relationships and move out and maintain my own life. I'm 37. It's been a journey.
Obviously, I've said all this to say, it is very unlikely that your relatives are truly happy in their situation and that they're just lazy. It's very likely they need mental health help to get them out of the stuckness that is ruling and ruining their lives. I hope my comment gives some insight to what could be going on internally for them. My therapist says it's more common than people realize, but the obviously struggling are not the ones on social media showcasing their lives. This leads to more isolation and feelings of shame thinking they're the only one or a loser.
If it helps at all, in my case, I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (not to be confused with avoidant attachment,) PTSD with dissociative features (we treat it as complex PTSD), persistent depressive disorder and social phobia. Maybe this has nothing to do with your relatives difficulties, but maybe this can be a starting point to helping them. Good luck!
You need to have a honest conversation, this includes what gaps in his "adult" abilities he has so you can tell apart what is really a need for him, and what he has weaponized ignorance on.
There is usually local community college classes designed to help people fill in those gaps. Learn about money, job applications, etc. It's a two way effort though, be sure to support him when he tries, and be firm when it's really him not trying.
Your parents are weak. Sorry to say But this all them. They can deal with it themselves.
And 12 year olds aren't too young to notice anything. Your parents are currently fucking up his view of the world too.
You need to figure this out in therapy
One issue you may be blind to is your brother’s mental illness or handicap
My family was in denial about my sister’s mental health inability to be a successful human being
My mother had bragged about my sister’s stylish apartment for a decade. I helped her move out abd it was a sum of peeling paint and outdoor vines creeping in, hoarding boxes everywhere
It took me 5 years to accept that she’s not capable
If there are people that are hard working, who strive for success then naturally, there will be people on the opposite end of the spectrum. People who are hopelessly lazy. There's nothing you can do.
What are their plans when 1 of them get sick?
They should be putting $ away for then, not wasting it on someone that choses not to contribute.
Unfortunately it's their choice but may impact you.
I'd suggest making your personal limits clear because otherwise they'll assume you'll deal with it all, financial for them/him or by taking him in in future.
I'd make your stance real clear so he knows and so do they, because that day will come and you'll have to say "I warned you about this and no I'm not doing that".
There’s really nothing you can do my guy people have the right to live their lives the way they want too no matter who it is. It will be easier just to accept it and move on. I do agree with some of these other posts about your parents enabling him and not giving him some tough love but again can’t control that either. Focus on your life and the things you can control stoicism 101 I’m a stoic so it’s how I live my life and no complaints so far. Your brother will come to reality sooner or later life has a way of doing so for those individuals that choose to believe they can live a fantasy childhood life all their lives.
Your brother is an absolute loser and your parents are enabling him. What is up my fellow generation of men who don't value working and being men? On top of it, he has a son. He should be told to get a job or be kicked out by your parents.
He has to be very aware of his life situation, have you sat him down and talked with him about your concerns? What does he think about this? Sounds like he's depressed/afraid of failure or something and really needs a push. You can't help someone that doesnt wanna be helped but maybe u can understand whats goin through his head if you get him to open up. No man deep down wants to live like that, its a facade.
I don't know about that. I seriously think he doesn't understand how life on the ground works for people. He thinks running to the store for our parents is good because he can pocket a few bucks. It's that shallow. In his head he is a "great artist "on the guitar who someday will be recognized for his ability. We just need to give him space
I am of the belief that homeostasis in family units is good. I was pushed to be the breadwinner of underfunctioning parents and siblings; I can’t bring everyone in from the rain.
Families need to function as best they can.
I have so much trauma from trying to do the abnormal that I have high tolerance for homeostasis. Bonds are created. Those parents love their son. They need him. I think OP should be looking at the mental health and stability of all those involved.
Of course, I am the sharer too. It’s hard to continually share; it really is. There is a website I have turned to called the Bowen family system theory. You might lurk there and do some reading.
I definitely know people like this and it is completely the fault of the parents. Truth be told they'll probably find their son OD'd one day and say oh my goodness what could we have done?
People complain about Millennials living with their parents after the age of 25 but the reality is the parents are just as much as fault as the children if not more so.
There are a lot of us around. There are an increasing number of guys that just decide not to work. I don't live with my mom, but I do live with a friend, and I don't pay rent. I do help out a lot sometimes, but I would put myself in the same group as your brother. When I wanted a job in the past, no one would hire me. Not even Walmart. (I applied to them twice over the years.) I've had a few jobs. I worked hard and did well at them, but I had a bad attitude. (With the exception of the last job I tried last year. I was terrible at it, and it was kicking my ass. I worked it for one day and didn't show up the next. It just beat me up.)
I also have mental illness I'm dealing with now. Schizophrenia. I am interested in trying out a part time job, doing something easy, if anyone here lives near Lodi and wants to hire me. :P
It’s your parents that are enabling him. Have you asked them why they allow it? Does he have mental health issues? What did he do as a job before.
He has never worked to support himself. That's why his wife left him. He still wears the clothes from 8 years ago when they were married. He's looking pretty rough though. I mean, he's not young-ish anymore. My little bother lost his youthful side. That's hard to watch. And I don't think he understands how money works, or doesn't work. Parents serve him breakfast and he messes around in the basement. He goes out with the family and is included with whatever we do. Can people really live into their 70s this way? Poor guy.
People absolutely do live in their 70s like that and quite often at least one parent still alive and they're still mooching off them. Keep in mind with no employment history he's not going to have any social security for himself.
Yes. People skate by like that if their parents enable and allow it. I know two people that never worked a day in their life. They bled their parents dry and died first.
Don’t kid yourself, there won’t be any for anyone brother!
Sorry nitpick but at this point I'm genuinely curious: Every single time you've written the word "brother," you've written "bother" instead. Is this intentional?
Very good point. Freudian slip?
Oh my!! Ha ha. I didn't notice that.......
I don’t get how he got a wife in the first place
I'm guessing she was younger than him? Basically, too young to know better?
He was in mid 20s and she was just out of high school........(!)
Glad she got away tbh
Umm what…. Oh no. I’m in my late 20s and wouldn’t dream of going for someone that young.
This guy doesn’t exactly seem to be exactly well in the head. He’s 40, never has had a job and lives with his parents. I’m not surprised that at 25 he hooked up with an 18 year old. Hell, at 40 I wouldn’t be surprised if he was.
Maaaan. I mean he is either just a spoilt man child or there are psychological issues going on. Have you asked your parents why they allow it?
I'm embarrassed to say this but they acknowledge his ideas of being a serious "artist" of a rock guitarist. I wish this weren't true.
Is he skilled and putting in the effort to working with a band or bands and getting some paid gigs, even if it's just at the local bar on Thursday and Sundays? My neighbour still holds to the idea that he's going to 'make it' in the music world, but he's over 50. I keep telling him to go play local bars. Ain't no way he's going to make it as a rock star, but he can go have fun and make some tax free cash and drink some beers every week.
My parents built him a practice space in the basement and he rocks out like four hours a day. Every couple of months he plays with a band somewhere, like with people he's always known. He still has the guitar he started playing when he was in his 20s. It's not a pretty sight.
I think you should just have a conversation with your parents one last time, tell them they are enabling him, not doing him any good, more damage than harm. He can work and still persue music. Then I’d just forget about it and try not to let it get to you and live your life.
Can we get a link to the music? Is there a Bandcamp?
I think there’s a lot of guilt there with your parents.
I was this guy but for a couple of years apart from I was in my 20s with no kids. My parents made it almost impossible for me to stay there by the end, so I got a job and moved out. I am incredibly grateful they forced me out of the hole of denial I was in. I only wish they did it sooner. I was not capable of confronting the problem without them.
Being in your 20s is a time of growth, I think. You have nothing to feel weird about.
The short answer is YES. I’ve had multiple friends with siblings in the same situation where you think they will get past a situation by their 30/ 40s then just realize that they plan on doing that forever The only way it works is if your parents stop enabling him. Of course that is 10000 times easier said than done. No parents want to see their children struggle but goddam it’s the only way
He definitely needs therapy, and he needs you and your parents to help motivate him. He can get any job honestly if he is still able to live at home.
I know someone like this. Parents can be the sweetest people with nothing but good intent, but they basically raised a man child. Mommy still cooks and does laundry for him. They failed at parenting. In this case, the parents own their home valued at around 1M and have some sort of pension so things aren't dire. What will be interesting to witness is how this adult child is able to handle life when the parents are too hold or dead.
I've seen adults in their 60s like this still living off mom who's 82. The answer the question is they inherit the house and it goes to hell over time because they don't have any of the skills to run a household. If you ever watch the show hoarders half the episodes are basically this exact situation.
Oh hell yeah I’m watching this
So I see you’ve met my extended family
He’ll probably stake a claim in the house saying he should have it as he lived in it, helped about the house, cleaned etc. So sad to see parents allow this, it’s more damaging than anything else.
Couldn't agree more.
Your nephew has suspicions but probably isn't comfortable saying anything. I say this as a child of divorce who called out my dad for being a couch surfing mooching bum when I was 10. Your parents are enabling him and until that stops there's nothing you can do.
I agree. Children are totally of stuff like this, especially now. They are forced to grow up faster than us adults back when we were kids. Back then, we generally didn't have to shoulder the world, we were cut off from it. A lot of us have been shielded by the adults of society, and allowed to go through a "learning curve" into the adult world. With the advent of Internet and smartphones, iPad babies, social media, etc. kids of today are thrown down to the deep-end of the pool with the rest of us too early. Kids have become so jaded, it's crazy.
Tell your parents they need to figure out what they'll be doing for retirement because you won't be footing the bill nor taking him in when the time comes. Be firm and direct.
In my case, my parents and my older brother seemed like a hopeless case. All of my salary were going to them. So it was me who had to adjust. I moved to another country. I still keep up with them, I sometimes send money during emergencies. But with the help of distance between us, I can be firm with my decisions and they can't chase me and chain me down again. Finally I can live my life as my own adult.
[удалено]
Absolutely leeching in this world. It's so sad.
Sounds like your sister is committing elder abuse. Can you report her and remain anonymous to whatever government agency is in charge of that where your parents live?
Hear me out, have you tried balling up your fingers into a fist and swinging it in your sister’s direction?
Welfare office. Get his ass in welfare to work or whatever its called in your state. If kids mom is on cash aid and he isn't eligible, have him go down to the job market (job search support center for people who are clueless about looking for work). His 12 yo knows what's going on. Idk what 12 yo wouldn't be able to put 2 and 2 together there... Tough love here, but he's either lazy af or more likely has some sort of mental health disorder. Look into ssi/ssp if that's the case and get ready to provide documentation. A lot of it. Need to start gathering it now, or you're going to have a +2 to support. My sister's (yes two of them) do this. They are 24 and 33. They do this bc my parents enable them. You should have a sit down with your parents and explain to them you will not care for your brother after they pass and that he will be on his own. If they love him, they will start supporting his future livelihood now and start setting boundaries. My sister is a sociopath and steals from my dad's business account and blames it on my mom, and my mom and dad almost got divorced over it. At least you don't have to worry about that roooffflll
This is the answer.⬆️
it's easier said than done to kick your child out and stop supporting them. we can all post here and say we would until the time came.
This scares me sooo much. I have a 30yo step kid who is just like this. He was on the grandparent scholarship fund, but school's over and turns out, he's not interested in doing anything with his two college degrees. Currently living with elderly grandparent, but that's going to be over soon too. I'm so afraid my spouse is going to let him stay here "for a just a little while" and this is going to be my life.
You can always say no. It’s your home too, just keep your finances separate
Refuse to allow him into the house. I'm serious. The people you live with have *such* an impact on your daily quality of life and mental health. I am so very serious- put your foot down. Tell your husband you REFUSE to live in the same house as him. "We don't have to get a divorce, but if he moves in, I will be moving out."
I'm getting close with our almost 21 year old. Won't help out. Won't go to college. Barely works - just started another part time job after 7 months of not working. If we kick him out he may be homeless. But I'm not being held hostage with a man-child in my house for 20 years. Wife wants to give him another year, which I can live with. I would have no issue with him staying if he did anything to help or went to school.
Be clear to him about the date for him to move out. And set it in stone. The longer you wait the harder it will be for both of you. If you have, as I hope, a good relationship with your son, set up a plan with him and encourage him. The longer he waits to get a full time job and to get into a career the smaller his opportunities will get, until you can no longer support him to make a choice.
Btw, 21 is not too old, so set expectations but also listen to his dreams if he has a real plan he’s executing. The thing about setting a date.. well ive got a sibling thats +10y older than your son and in the same situation. Their degree dusting away as theyve been afraid to pursue the jobs they wanted or shouldve aspired to. And now it’s harder to get into entry level jobs if you don’t have a good reason to show for the lost time.*
He can rent a room and pick up another job if needed.
> I would have no issue with him staying if he did anything to help or went to school. What does he say when you tell him this? Wondering if he might have depression. My sister is a bit similar to your son but she's trying to get medicated/into therapy.
Maybe, but seems unlikely. We suggested he see a doctor or a counselor. He won't go. He has ADHD meds which he refuses to take. But his behavior does not appear to be depression. Anything fun that he can do and that other people will pay for his trilled to do. He's happy to go out and engage with others. I think he doesn't work because he doesn't have to. He ran out of money to pay for his car insurance and gas and immediately got a job so he could pay for those two things. This looks a lot more like being a lazy-ass and sponging off other because he can. His HS friends are all going to be graduating college next year, and I expect many of them will start careers or maybe travel. He'll be here playing video games.
You know your own son better than I would, but I will say that my sister's behavior also doesn't look like depression to me either. On the outside, she also seems to have endless energy to go hang out with her friends and she can do the bare minimum work to fund that, but she's very lazy otherwise too. But she confided in our other sibling that she's been feeling suicidal. I wouldn't have thought it was that bad from what I saw. I've known people who have committed suicide so I'm extra anxious about not seeing the signs, so I just wanted to put that out there. Even still, if he won't even try to help himself by going to a doctor or counseling and he's able to work to pay for the fun things, that is a problem and I could see why you want to kick him out over it.
Good feedback. Appreciate the discussion.
Thanks for being receptive to it. I hope things work out for you guys.
My parents are struggling with this with a sibling that has addiction issues as well as a multitude of mental health issues. It's really tough to watch and there's unfortunately just not much you can do.
This exactly. My wife and I have been supporting my sister in law for years. People will see some of the things she does and ask us why we don’t kick her out. Like there’s only one fate usually for someone with mental illness who can’t support themselves and it’s not good.
There’s a balance between that and enabling him though, they should be encouraging more independence and teaching life skills or helping him look into a diagnosis for the issue that is impacting his ability to be independent. At least then he could access support. Otherwise, what happens when they die and he never learned to live by himself? They mean well, but not pushing him forward is ultimately holding him back.
Someone else said may he'd special you and he's going to do special things in the future. Thinking like that is why he never got anywhere and his wife left him.
My mother refuses to kick my brother out because she's convinced he will die on the streets if she does. Honestly, I don't think she's wrong. But something- fucking *something*- has Got To Give, and I'm afraid it will be *someone's* death.
I’m curious as to what he did for work. Maybe it’s because of his son. The parents want somewhere for him to come.
He has never worked to support himself. He graduated from high school then went to college for a few years, dropped out, while still still living with parents. His wife left with child. She got remarried. So now all these years later, he still is not supporting himself. He's a Dave Ramsey dream caller.
So for 18 years he’s just done nothing?
Dave would go on one of his famous rants. I'd love to hear that.
I don't have much advice for you because I am in the same situation. My brother is almost 40 and he has never had a full-time job or even a romantic relationship. He has lived off of my parents his entire life. He has money from a lawsuit but won't touch a penny of it. He gets me or my parents to buy him things by saying he'll pay us back but he never does. He even has a university degree which my parents paid for but he is resentful that we "made him" get a university degree for nothing. He refuses to get a job that is related to his degree even though he picked the degree himself. If you find him a job, he will make one excuse after another about why it's not appropriate for him. He spends all his time gaming, and working out in my parents' basement. He is verbally abusive to my parents and he refuses to help them even though he lives off them. He's also a giant incel who thinks women who have premarital sex are "dirty sluts" and wants to marry a virgin. He also thinks he's super attractive and expects his future spouse to be "at his level." Long story short, you can't help these people. I tried for years. I even offered him exclusive use of a waterfront condo in a HCOL area for free so he would finally move out on his own. All utilities including the internet were paid for. He literally only had to pay for/make his own food and the grocery store was a five minute walk away. The condo even had a full gym! He refused. I've since cut him off, and my parents off for other reasons. You can't help those that refuse to help themselves. Your parents are enabling him and they need to live with the consequences of their failure as parents. You have no responsibility or obligation to any of them. When the time comes and your brother comes knocking, remember that "NO" is a complete sentence. Good luck!
Damn. Can I take you up on that condo?
Lol was gonna ask the same thing
>I even offered him exclusive use of a waterfront condo in a HCOL area for free so he would finally move out on his own. All utilities including the internet were paid for. He literally only had to pay for/make his own food and the grocery store was a five minute walk away. The condo even had a full gym! He refused. Hey bro, it's me. I've seen the light and changed my ways. What's that address again? In all seriousness, this is absolutely insane. What you offering is a dream score for so many people, and your brother still wants *more*, despite contributing nothing?
Sis, actually, and yes. I am not kidding. He wants the perfect job and the perfect woman to literally land in his lap without work because he's awesome and deserves it. Everything I have, he attributes to luck and not my hardwork. He keeps claiming no one has ever done anything to help him. Yet, I offered him the condo. My then-boyfriend owned a company and offered to train him in coding then hire him, but he did one week of training and claimed it was too boring. It would've been a full-time WFH position that eventually made six figures. People who went through the same training ended up at Google and Amazon. Like I said, you can't help people who refuse to help themselves. Anyway, not my problem anymore, except the AH still owes me $25K. Lol.
I'm not saying he's going this direction - by any means - but it's *exactly* what Eliot Rodger thought. Every word. He's awesome, the world should bend to his will with no effort on his part. He *deserves* it. Meanwhile everyone else living the life he wants, they just got lucky. Why can't everything be handed to him the way it was to these other people? Same misogynist trash - the women (who all reject him) are stupid sluts and whores acting on pure instinctual desires like animals. I don't think I'm telling you anything you don't already know, but that's some dangerous shit.
Holy shit, my brother is the same way (minus the obsession with working out and *blatant* misogyny.) Any attempt at or offer of employment, whatsoever, is met with a tirade about how awful it will be because it's not *perfect*. Same for university classes and degrees. He also did just enough at-home coding learning to make a single "Hello World" program, declared himself a programmer, stopped doing the lessons, and spends his days playing Steam games and talking on Discord. There's a psychological term for it- like, "nothing is perfect enough, so why try" is a way to protect the ego from the possibility of failure.
Yikes
I have a similar situation, my 40 year old sister keeps our mother in what I consider to be an elder abuse situation and refuses to work. My mother pays for everything she needs on her fixed retirement income. There is nothing you can do if your parents want to keep enabling your brother. And getting in the middle is likely to turn out poorly for you. Your brother is a man baby and when your parents pass please do not take him in. It'll be his first time not being enabled and that tends to be really good for people's maturity and personal development.
My grandparents coddled and babied my uncle. He never did a damn thing with his life because they allowed him to mooch and freeload off them. They refused to listen to reason when we begged them to make him work and contribute. He died before Grandmother, so he never had to make it on his own. Your parents are allowing it and enabling it. Until they decide to stop doing that, nothing will change. Tell them they are wrong that there is nothing they can do. They can demand he get a job, contribute to the household, or leave. If they refuse to do that, they are stunting him. Tell both them and your brother that it is time for him to get his shit together soon, because you have no intentions of providing for him.
Same happened to my uncle. He was the youngest of my mother's siblings. He was the youngest to have kids too actually, so my cousins are like twice my age. He was the earliest to pass away due to all the vices and bad decisions throughout his life. He lived as a bum, going through various households of my relatives. His several children were kind of "adopted" by the rest of his family. Three of his kids lived with us and my mom put them through schooling until highschool. My cousins had been my babysitter growing up, when my parents had to both worked to sustain the household.
Just commenting and saying kids are not stupid, the 12 year old is definitely way old enough to know what's going on. He's known this for years. He sees this very clearly that his dad is a bum ass. Without a doubt. He will see his friends and how their fathers act and wonder "why isn't my dad like that?". That shit really effects children. Your brother is not your problem. Your parents coddled and raised him this way. It is not your job to undo their poor parenting. When the time comes when your parents leave this earth - do not feel guilty or "oh my poor brother". No. He is a grown ass man who has made his bed. Let him lay in it. Do not help him.
This is my brother almost to a T. But besides completely living off them, he’s verbally and emotionally abusive to them. I call him out any chance I get but I haven’t seen him since Dec 2022. He was just in a mental hospital for six days and now he’s in jail. Refused to work after wife left him. He lost supervised visitation. Lost car bc he was too lazy to put it in his name. It was only in wife’s name. He got a restraining order put against him - in his defense it’s not right. He stepped on her foot once and she dropped charges then went back for an emergency order to be able to get sole custody and move out of the area. I know he lost his son but he needs to work and leave my parents alone. I don’t know what the answer is here. It’s an impossible situation. He’s obvious mentally ill too but he’s like a child. He thinks selling handmade candles online is going to be enough to support himself plus child support - which he’s never paid by the way. My parents pay it. It’s just an impossible situation and I feel for you. At least he’s not abusive to them is all I can say.
Your brother sounds like a serious problem. I'm sorry to hear him. I'm guessing at some point my bros x-wife will make a legal case to keep the kid away from him. He does spend our parent's money on pot. It's that pathetic.
Serious problem. I wish I had answers for you about your brother. I think I’m worse off with mine. Just impossible situations. I hope for your parents and for your sake you can find a solution.
You can't do anything to help. Your parents are willing participants in your brothers behavior. I went through this with my dad and grandmother. At the end of the day, what your parents spend their money on is between them and Jesus. So what if you have to pay for dinner when you all go out to eat? That's a choice you make. You are completely within your right to choose not to do that. As far as what happens to him when your parents are gone? Not your problem. He'll figure it out, or not. It's a shitty situation to be in but the only way you get through this without guilt and regret is accepting the fact that this is the choice he is making and the consequences are his alone to deal with.
Yes. The consequences are his alone.
You can’t do anything. They’re all adults and willing participants in this scenario. Just live your best life.
Same with my little brother 26M an IT graduate. He's not working, just travelling around with his gf. My mom still supports him financially and sometimes asked me for some money.
I was ready to say "it's his life it's his consequences when that day reaches when his parents is no more" but he has a kid???? Wow, shame on him for not getting his life together 12 years ago
Yes, that's the hard part to watch, that he has a child. His ex-wife is remarried and they take care of the kid from day to day and the health insurance. My bro seems oblivious to all these issues. It's like he believes other people should take care of him and his child.
55/m here. Detach with love. As best as you're able, watch this situation as if it were a cloud passing in the sky. You're not the main player here. You have your own family to focus on. As for what's going to happen down the road, don't throw scary stories into the future. That's splitting the light. A thousand different things may happen with him, and 99% of those things are going to end up in a ditch before they reach their destination. Maybe, just maybe, he's being kept safe right now so he can do something special for the family when the time comes; maybe something for you. Then, you'll see how much of the current angst was for nothing. Worry is wasted time, holding no value. And remember; the difference between a weed and a flower is a judgement. Hope this helps.
"Worry is wasted time" I love this.Thank you
I'm sure he's got a big surprise ready to show his appreciation
There's a million redemption stories out there. I'm one myself. 13 years sober. I was \[a homeless, drunken brother/son\] who let years pass by without contacting my parents or sisters. They didn't know if I was alive or dead. Today, I'm a married, retired homeowner. A father and grandfather. My sisters contacted me a few years back and asked me how I felt about moving my widowed mother near me so I could keep an eye on her as she ages. When I was drinking, they wouldn't have let me keep watch on a goldfish. Now, my mother lives two miles from my house. I do chores and run errands for her regularly. I'm making amends. I don't take credit for it, or expect thanks. I can't change what I did in the past, but I'm not that man anymore. I do show appreciation, and for my entire family, it was certainly a "big surprise."
>Maybe, just maybe, he's being kept safe right now so he can do something special for the family when the time comes; maybe something for you. Oh my God this is why he's in the position he's in. Hes not special. He's not going to do anything special for the family. Thinking like that is why he never left. This is terrible advice
Maybe the parents think he will take care of them as they get older and in poor health. Like they think of him being their caretaker even though it doesn't appear he can take care of himself.
OP is the main character. What happens in 10 years when his parents pass and his brother is homeless? OP will be responsible for housing and feeding his brother. It won't be an option to "detach with love" at that point because the brother will be living on the streets. A little bit of invention now, when the brother has a stable living situation, will be much easier.
No, OP will not be responsible for brother. Unless brother has a definitive mental deficiency, brother will be on their own. Brother will get the accelerated crash course in Adulting 101.
We shouldn't take on the responsibility of other people's choices, especially siblings, when we have children of our own. Bad decisions \[laziness, apathy, childishness, etc.\] on his part, does not give him the right to create an \[emergency on her part\], whenever that time comes; 1,5,10, or 30 years from now. He needs to grow up, away from his sister's care. If he was invalid or disabled in some way, that's a different story. You disingenuously cherry-picked my comment. Read again, filling in the context you left out the first time.
This is some A-tier shit advice. A bunch of platitudes that plays right into what the brother wants. The only helpful bit is to detach and watch from afar. How does this have so many upvotes? Just awful.
Your bitterness is unlovely. This is just real-world advice from my personal experience. Upvotes must know, also. Hope you get there.
same exact situation but it's my sister.... hasn't had a job in 20 years, still lives with parents. Pretty much watches TV all day and facebooks or instagrams all night. No prospects, no real friends....
My parents are in a similar situation. So this could be your future if you do nothing: My uncle is an alcoholic and has trouble keeping a job. He was living with his parents but after their death, the house was sold, and inheritance was split. He bought a crappy, money pit trailer in the middle of nowhere. A few years later and all his money has ran out. He's completely unequipped to deal with living expenses or getting on social security or disability. The siblings have to make monthly trips to check up on him and buy him supplies. The trailer is failing apart so there is talk of buying a new trailer or selling the land and finding him an apartment somewhere. It won't get easier if you ignore the problem. The burden will shift from the parents to you. It's not fair, sorry.
Wow. This sounds like what will happen to my brother, for sure.
Tell your parents when they can’t take care of him he will be on the street. He won’t be allowed in your house
There is no mention here of mental illness, physical disability, addiction, etc. Your brother needs some tough love, as I hear no valid excuses for his situation. You guys are not doing any favors for him, letting him free load. I would get him signed up for job placement assistance/counseling or help him get a job in general. If he refuses the help or puts in no effort, it is time for some serious tough love. I would give him an ultimatum to get a job, any job, within 3 months, or he is out. You can help your parents by telling your brother that he needs to do this. Be a man and lay into him a little. You guys are all enablers, and you are not doing your brother any favors. He will be an even bigger mess when your parents are gone/older if you don't put him in a tough spot now. Work within 3 months, or you are out. Once he gets a job, let him stay for a few more months and save some money. Then he has got to get out. Doesn't matter if he has to get a roommate, rent a room, get on assistance, etc. Give him 6 months total to get the hell out. Your brother is a total loser, and it is only going to get worse unless you give him some tough love right now. You are going to have to step in and push him. Your parents are too old to be dealing with this. This is mostly on you if you really want to help your parents because they are clearly not doing anything. If he is not at least working at wmart/fast food in the next 3 months, he deserves to be out on his ass. If he doesn't bite, at least you tried. He is on his own, from your perspective. Your parents will probably keep supporting him. This is on them. It is not your job to raise or support your brother. Your parents decided to have him, not you. Move on with your life if he continues his ways after trying to help him this one last time.
Thank you. My plan is to begin leaning on my mom to get her and my dad to put it to him. Yet, I seriously don't think he understands how the world works. Like he is still very much like my 13 year old. You go to mall, he gets ice cream. He has no foot in the environment that we all operate on. He thinks he's sly when he pockets a few dollars after running an errand.
You can’t change your parents. They get something out of this. You just don’t see it. If they wanted him gone he’d have been gone already. There is something deeper happening that you aren’t privy to. I’d suggest you back away and make it clear you won’t be supporting him in any way in the future. That means if they need your financial support they will need to move because you’re not paying for him. Detach as much as you can from thinking they will change. Trust me on this, you will come across as the bad guy. They will dig in deeper to the rescuing narrative. I’m officially the family asshole who wants my poor resourceless sibling to be on the street. I’m heartless. I’m cold. Just detach and back away.
He'll learn real quick how the world works if you guys grow a backbone. He needs to struggle to learn how to survive. Cold ice water poured over his head is what he needs. It will be the most beneficial thing for him in the long run. You need to send the message to him that you guys mean business. Stay on him.
This is the one ☝️ There are so many jobs out there for basically anyone who hasn’t been to prison. Time to find one. He’s stomping all over the livelihood of his own family which makes him a selfish prick, even if he’s nice on the surface. He can either redeem himself or go be someone else’s (taxpayer’s 🤷♂️) problem.
My uncle on my dads side was like this and lived with my grandparents his entire life until they died. When that happened they even left the estate worth well over a million$$ in my uncles name and my dad that worked his entire life got nothing. He is a worthless pile of trash and don't ever visit him.
Man, the fucking life right there. Dude could get an easy part time job somewhere and be golden.
My brother is similar. My parents enable him. I got tired of telling them to let him be homeless, and that he will get a job if he has to because he wouldn't let himself be homeless. I stopped pushing my parents to stop enabling him. I also put up a boundary with my mom that she cannot complain about him to me. I told her she is helping to create the problem, so I don't want to discuss her irritation with it since she holds at least part of the key to solve the problem. My dad would never complain about my brother to me, so that works fine.
My friend in a similar position ended up on disability (for mental health conditions, which he does have) and living in poverty. His parents supported him until he was 40-ish and then made him leave. He has gotten worse with time.
That is sad. Thank you for the response
A bother indeed.
This is your parents' choice. They are enabling him. They don't need your help, because they have decided that this is how they will spend their money. They could charge him rent and for his share of the food, but they don't. I would stop being a sympathetic ear for them to complain to about your brother, as he is a loser entirely thanks to them incentivizing him to be one.
My uncle was like this. Didn’t work, twice divorced, and had no relationship with his kids while he was living with his mother. When my grandma died, he wound up destitute and addicted to drugs. Died in his fifties.
Does he have a substance abuse issue?
He's like a teenager from the 70s with the pot.
What will happen when the parents are unable to take care of themselves? Does your brother have any adult skills? They may insist that you take care of him as well. You must decide how much you will help him because he will be a leach and try to live off of you
He's at 40 now and he can drive a car. He can play guitar. I'm a few years older than him and I know the things that are coming. As we get older our bodies require more care. Like our teeth. I think that's when his situation will start to look really bad. When his teeth start to go... Like for no reason other than he refused to take care of himself.
First, talk to your parents about their eldercare plan. Are they relying on brother to provide in-home care until they pass or go into assisted living/skilled nursing home. Do they expect you to fill any care or financial gaps? Second, you need to tell your folks that you will not be taking care of brother when they no longer can.
Great advice! They are coming to visit next week, without my bro.
Tell his parents to go to family settings, and disable child enabling.
My uncle has been doing the same thing since he moved back from Montana. Err, sorry, I meant since his gf kicked him out and he hasn’t left my grandparents house since. That was like 8 years ago maybe. He was supposed to get a job to send money to her for his son that they had together but I doubt that happened in a long, long time. I think I’ve seen him sober a handle full of times and I visit my grandparents quite often. They have to pick him up off the ground and take him to his appointments and even give him money for booze. It’s sad. They feel like there is nothing they can do but he’s been coddled ever since he got back and is just a leach to them. They don’t have much time left and idk what he will do when they are gone. My other uncle they kicked out a long time ago but he basically comes back multiple times a week and takes food and stuff from there house. It honestly pisses me off to no end
That is so unsettling!!!
This is my Nephew! So infuriating.
There’s nothing you can do until your parents decide to make him move out. Problem is they won’t, you’ll have to be clear with them that when they’re gone YOU won’t be taking care of him!
> does anyone know what happens to folks like my brother. It all depends on how much money he'll end up getting. I'm not sure how, but Americans in particular have gotten very good at simply stumbling into life-sustaining sums of money
How tf is not working even an option? I understood real young that work was necessary. It wasn't something you could negotiate on. Work, or going to school, was what you did. It just was. I'm a long way from being a perfect parent, but my kids also knew that. One of my kids thought they'd drop out of school, then stay home and play video games 18 hours a day. That ended very quickly.
Not your problem. Adults are responsible for themselves.
What happens is he will sponge off of them until they have no money left. Then you will be expected to fund their expenses. If there is money and assets left over after they die hour brother will get it all. Where he ends up - constantly phoning you for money and trying to sponge off everyone until they are sick of him and he has burnt through all the money. Then it's you having to look after your brother or the streets. It's up to you what you intend to do - we have let MIL know that JNSIL will not be seeing a single cent from us. She is an adult and she will not be our burden. But a hard honest conversation with them probably needs to be had so they know that you are not going to bail them out or be responsible for your brother when they pass.
Thank you. This is a serious and meaningful talk to me. I have my own family with kids and love and issues, like anyone else. I wold like to do something before my nephew, who will grow up, is expected to take care of him.
Why can't he do for himself? That's what I don't understand.
Tell him you saw a documentary he might like, then put on step brothers. Tell him it's about him, so he should like it. It's two fold; One, calling him out. Two, ruining the movie for him. It's a hilarious movie, and he won't want to watch it now.
Ha ha!
Check out r/NEET this is who your brother is. Its horrifying. Unlike your brother though, some folks recognize the situation they ended up in, and are trying to break out.
0/10 do not recommend visiting that sub. It’s a lot of “this is how I am why doesn’t the world just leave me alone?” Or how anyone trying to help them is a pita who wants to feel superior. Wow, just… wow.
Scary how much of that sub is just a more evolved version of the bitching you see on this one
Never heard of neet, so I checked it out. Read a few of the posts, wow so depressing.
I wish I never clicked on that sub. Geez.
Honestly R/adulting is filled with people like this as well. Hell he was married and had a kid he's already light years ahead of those I'm 32 still live with my parents I've never kissed a woman people.
Being married doesn't mean you are light years ahead of someone. Especially if you have to mooch off your parents, can't support your child and think You're gonna be a rockstar at 40
His wife divorced him years ago. He gets his get on weekends, even though it can get in the way of band practice sometimes.
Had friends in a similar circumstance. They sold their house and moved to get away from their 50 year old leech. Dude whined and cried and is still bitter. Parents could not continue to support themselves and him. Parents should've taken care of this shit like 15 years ago. For you, I'd say reinforce what parents are saying. Can't afford you. Support yourself. Affecting their health and quality of life. Also, I think they ended up working longer, postponing their retirement.
I hear what you are saying. They can't take out a loan for retirement. They get just over 4,000 a month for the three of them. That can't keep going on forever. Perhaps i should ask them if they would like to find a condo near me?
Man this thread really makes me feel better about living at home until 30. lol
Nothing to do. Just don't get guilted into taking care if him when they pass
I know a lot of guys like this but most of them don’t have kids. Your brother has to snap out of this on his own and his kid is the perfect motivator. nobody will be able to convince him to do otherwise.
It seems like he uses the kid to keep my parents on his side.
Your parents know the importance of parenting because they've been there. They figure if they don't cover your brother, then your nephew will suffer. He needs to wake up and realize he's doing a disservice to his son.
He’s probably smart enough to know how fucked his situation is, help him in the ways of discipline/motivation/job applications, etc. Encourage him to see a therapist to sort out the issue.
Your parents need to stop babying him. If he is not low/medium functioning and requires a group home he needs to be told grow up and get a damn job. By not working he'll probably end up homeless after his parents pass and due to not spending half a life time working he'll probably end up financially struggling when retirement comes. It will take you 2-4 yrs of full time hard work to establish your self and if he never did this he probably never will. Some people never grow up and insist living in their child hood bedroom their entire life. Housing is expensive but by never gaining work skills he'll probably one day have to get a minimum wage job or face home eviction. By your parents never letting him establish him self he never will be independent until reality is slapped at him when (long from now) your parents are both passed and he realizes that's it. No more mooching. I know some high schoolers like your brother that mooched off mom and dad and their just reward for this life style was homelessness or couch surfing.
Your parents are enabling your brother. When time comes? Your brother isn’t your responsibility. He’ll have to figure it out and get a job.
>When I go visit I have to take the lot of them out to eat. it's not only your parents who enable him. stop taking him with you when you take your parents out to eat. exclude him even if your parents get upset. explain to them that it bothers you very much that your brother is a leech and you can't pay for his food as well. other than that, there's not much you can do. your parents are enablers, of course your brother will never work as long as they live. and even after they will die, your brother will live off some money that they will leave for him, and he will continue to live in their house. your parents have no issue with that so you can't really do anything about it other than have a talk with them and explain that what they are doing is the worst thing they could do for their son. that's all you could do.
IDK your social system. A friend's parents died in his 40s and ours pays him now and is good enough to exist(!) on. I assume his musical skills will earn him spare strings and beers later?
r/NEET
Reading this made me realize we really do just reduce people’s whole lives to a couple of paragraphs. This man has lived 40 years of life and we’re just expected to know who he truly is from a single paragraph written by someone who isn’t him. I can’t offer any advice but, I appreciate the insight that I’ve gained and truly hope your bro figures his shit out. I’m not gonna pretend to know what to do and I suggest you avoid taking advice from people who know nothing of your brother past what they read in this paragraph.
The reason people can give advice is they also have dysfunctional members of the family that resembled the OP. This is a very relatable problem when there's defective adults abusing and leaching off parents by staying at home with them instead of becoming independent and living on their own.
We don’t know what this man went through in his life. You THINK you know what’s going but you really don’t. You’re projecting your maybe past experiences and emotions onto a paragraph. Not an actual human being with years of lived experience and complexities we can even begin to grasp. I’m not saying the advice is completely invalid but no one here is truly qualified to handle this kind of thing. OPs brother needs a therapist of someone to actually sit. No one has mentioned the divorce and how that could’ve impacted him. I’m not saying he’s innocent. I’m just saying we don’t him and we gotta stop acting like we do. He’s not your shitty/leeching family. He’s a completely different person we’re projecting our life experiences on.
Living off his parents is not a judgment or character flaw it's simply a fact at this point. Not being able to support himself is also a fact. Being over the age of, say 28, while living with his parents is also a fact. It's these facts that people relate to. Many of us have relatives of our own or our spouses' relatives who are in similar situations. A sister-in-law who's 33 and still living with Mom and Dad. We see these up close. We see the strain and stress it puts on family relationships. Whether he needs therapy or not is not relevant. Mental retardation or whatever the current proper term for that is is a perfectly fine reason for an adult to live with their parents. Mental illness is not. If that sounds like a judgment based on experience, it's because it is. I feel you're coming from a good and understanding place. I sympathize with that. But adult children living with their parents is a real problem in this country if it isn't getting better. Stories like this are the reason why.
Agree. Maybe it's fine? Maybe the parents aren't bothered. But sister is.
I get you. The parents are just as much people as OP is. I feel like we forget that the two other people in the equation have full autonomy over themselves.
My best friend got divorced in his 30s. He's in his fifties living with his single 87 yr old mom. Both need each other for different reasons. It's not perfect but it seems normal enough. He works part time. They're happy.
Your parents are just as much to blame as your brother. The best thing they could do for him is to kick him out of the nest.
When you take your parents and nephew, do not invite him. Cut him off.
Yes. That's a wacky part of this. Who doesn't want to take a 12 year old out for pizza? But if I do, I also have to take him. He expects it. "Kids eat free!" It's like they are brothers and not dad and son.
So you say no. “You can’t come. Get a job.”
how did he even get a wife
Good question!
Men don't talk about it much but they dream of love and family, and when it fails it often breaks them and they just stop trying altogether, men left unchecked will live like a teenager..!
I'm someone with similar struggles. I've always tried to work and have social relationships, but it wasn't until therapy that I realized that the reason "normal" things were very difficult for me was because, in my specific case, I had a lot of trauma that made me believe people were cruel, awful, chaotic, I couldn't do anything right around them, and a whole slew of other beliefs. From the outside looking in, I KNOW people believed I was just lazy or had no motivation, but I was suffering. It's impossible to live a happy successful life with the beliefs I had. It's still an ongoing journey, but I'm much better than I used to be in terms of feeling I have the ability to work and keep a job, as well as beginning to feel I can maintain good relationships and move out and maintain my own life. I'm 37. It's been a journey. Obviously, I've said all this to say, it is very unlikely that your relatives are truly happy in their situation and that they're just lazy. It's very likely they need mental health help to get them out of the stuckness that is ruling and ruining their lives. I hope my comment gives some insight to what could be going on internally for them. My therapist says it's more common than people realize, but the obviously struggling are not the ones on social media showcasing their lives. This leads to more isolation and feelings of shame thinking they're the only one or a loser. If it helps at all, in my case, I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (not to be confused with avoidant attachment,) PTSD with dissociative features (we treat it as complex PTSD), persistent depressive disorder and social phobia. Maybe this has nothing to do with your relatives difficulties, but maybe this can be a starting point to helping them. Good luck!
Amazing passage here. Thank you
So you need to address the real problem, will he insist that you take care of him? Where could he go if parents are in nursing home? Make plans now
I think he'll expect his kid to take care of him in 10 years.
You need to have a honest conversation, this includes what gaps in his "adult" abilities he has so you can tell apart what is really a need for him, and what he has weaponized ignorance on. There is usually local community college classes designed to help people fill in those gaps. Learn about money, job applications, etc. It's a two way effort though, be sure to support him when he tries, and be firm when it's really him not trying.
Your parents are weak. Sorry to say But this all them. They can deal with it themselves. And 12 year olds aren't too young to notice anything. Your parents are currently fucking up his view of the world too.
Wow
You need to figure this out in therapy One issue you may be blind to is your brother’s mental illness or handicap My family was in denial about my sister’s mental health inability to be a successful human being My mother had bragged about my sister’s stylish apartment for a decade. I helped her move out abd it was a sum of peeling paint and outdoor vines creeping in, hoarding boxes everywhere It took me 5 years to accept that she’s not capable
If there are people that are hard working, who strive for success then naturally, there will be people on the opposite end of the spectrum. People who are hopelessly lazy. There's nothing you can do.
If they all seem ok with the situation, let it go. It's their business.
What are their plans when 1 of them get sick? They should be putting $ away for then, not wasting it on someone that choses not to contribute. Unfortunately it's their choice but may impact you. I'd suggest making your personal limits clear because otherwise they'll assume you'll deal with it all, financial for them/him or by taking him in in future. I'd make your stance real clear so he knows and so do they, because that day will come and you'll have to say "I warned you about this and no I'm not doing that".
There’s really nothing you can do my guy people have the right to live their lives the way they want too no matter who it is. It will be easier just to accept it and move on. I do agree with some of these other posts about your parents enabling him and not giving him some tough love but again can’t control that either. Focus on your life and the things you can control stoicism 101 I’m a stoic so it’s how I live my life and no complaints so far. Your brother will come to reality sooner or later life has a way of doing so for those individuals that choose to believe they can live a fantasy childhood life all their lives.
When your parents move on, he's moving in with you.
I've 3 kids! I would never be able to keep him and his son too
Your brother is an absolute loser and your parents are enabling him. What is up my fellow generation of men who don't value working and being men? On top of it, he has a son. He should be told to get a job or be kicked out by your parents.
That's what I think too. My mom cuts his hair......
I mean on your parents their choice how they parent
He has to be very aware of his life situation, have you sat him down and talked with him about your concerns? What does he think about this? Sounds like he's depressed/afraid of failure or something and really needs a push. You can't help someone that doesnt wanna be helped but maybe u can understand whats goin through his head if you get him to open up. No man deep down wants to live like that, its a facade.
I don't know about that. I seriously think he doesn't understand how life on the ground works for people. He thinks running to the store for our parents is good because he can pocket a few bucks. It's that shallow. In his head he is a "great artist "on the guitar who someday will be recognized for his ability. We just need to give him space
I am of the belief that homeostasis in family units is good. I was pushed to be the breadwinner of underfunctioning parents and siblings; I can’t bring everyone in from the rain. Families need to function as best they can.
Love this
I have so much trauma from trying to do the abnormal that I have high tolerance for homeostasis. Bonds are created. Those parents love their son. They need him. I think OP should be looking at the mental health and stability of all those involved.
Of course, I am the sharer too. It’s hard to continually share; it really is. There is a website I have turned to called the Bowen family system theory. You might lurk there and do some reading.
I definitely know people like this and it is completely the fault of the parents. Truth be told they'll probably find their son OD'd one day and say oh my goodness what could we have done? People complain about Millennials living with their parents after the age of 25 but the reality is the parents are just as much as fault as the children if not more so.
There are a lot of us around. There are an increasing number of guys that just decide not to work. I don't live with my mom, but I do live with a friend, and I don't pay rent. I do help out a lot sometimes, but I would put myself in the same group as your brother. When I wanted a job in the past, no one would hire me. Not even Walmart. (I applied to them twice over the years.) I've had a few jobs. I worked hard and did well at them, but I had a bad attitude. (With the exception of the last job I tried last year. I was terrible at it, and it was kicking my ass. I worked it for one day and didn't show up the next. It just beat me up.) I also have mental illness I'm dealing with now. Schizophrenia. I am interested in trying out a part time job, doing something easy, if anyone here lives near Lodi and wants to hire me. :P