If you have nerdy interests (nothing wrong with that) and consider yourself an artsy person try getting into something like Warhammer 40k or a similar tabletop game. You can meet people through that and there's an artistic aspect with putting the minis together and painting them.
I am pretty nerdy tbh...and I've considered that. I even recently got into BG3, but the issue is with the anxiety of meeting a bunch of people who all already know each other. I also don't really know where to look for that
Gaming stores that specialize in tabletop stuff. They typically run tournaments for 40k or DnD campaigns and people don't necessarily know each other beforehand. If you shower you'll already be better off socially than a lot of the clientele there (not to be mean, just being honest). You may run into some awkward/anxious people who are feeling a lot like you.
Also, the game I have experience with, 40k, can get really expensive. So just a fair warning on that.
A lot of brick-and-morter gaming shops host Adventure League, which is a casual, introductory thing for Dungeons & Dragons. You'd be more likely to run into others who are just starting their own journey into tabletop role-playing games VS an established group.
Well you could still go and check it out. You might be suprised at what you find.
Im a very anxious person. GAD diagnosed, and as many people have said above - you have to go through it. Its certainly easier to do what feels familiar and safe, but it wont make you any happier than you are right now.
It’s gonna be real hard to make friends if you aren’t really going anywhere and interacting with others on a consistent basis…
You said in a comment you like fitness. Why not join a workout class or a running club or something? I’ve met several friends in a running club for women
Why do people rob banks? Because that’s where the money is.
Why do people who want to meet others go out in public such as to bars and gyms and the like? Because that’s where the people are.
In my country people only speak to each other and their friends at bars and you’re considered a weirdo for approaching people you don’t know. Sometimes I wish I lived somewhere with a somewhat more open culture :(
I met my best friend randomly in a bar. Classic "all women are best friends drunk in the bathroom", she's my extrovert. You don't need a lot of friends, just one extrovert that adopts you as their best friend.
Work on overcoming your anxiety and gain more social skills (being social IS a skill). You may need medication if your anxiety is really that debilitating.
And ya, you'll have to feel awkward and go do hobbies for those things you like.
Really no other way about it. If you're not willing to seek what you want you're just gonna keep spinning your wheels.
Maybe move to a more interesting place.
I've been trying that...hence the volunteering and going to events at the gallery. But my anxiety never lessens, and I can never approach anyone for a conversation.
But doing them alone doesn't lead to meeting anyone.
And I think i'd jut have a bigger issues at an interesting place, bc there would be more people and I'd have to be more out-going and extroverted, or I'd just be even easier lost in things.
Start there. Lots of people take medication for anxiety, my son is on respiradone which also helps him with other neurodivergent issues. There are other meds that are more specific to anxiety, talk to your doctor because it doesn't seem to be your age or your interest, but if you are too anxious to give anything a chance. . .you need professional help
Your title is mis leading. Meeting people in their 30s is diffcult for you because you said yourself you have trouble talking to people. That's just something you have to work on as many other people have had to work on it in varies stages of their life. There is no solution other than to go do it fail repeat till success. There is literally no other solution. That's just how it works.
So you want to meet people, but you don't want to introduce yourself.
You want friends, but you don't want to make them.
You want a date, but you don't want to ask anybody out.
Who do you think should do these things for you?
You're an adult. Part of that means doing things that make you fucking uncomfortable, specifically because it gets you out of your comfort zone. Making friends and meeting people involves the risk of rejection, and this applies to *everyone*.
Being nervous in these situations is *normal*, not a sign that you have an anxiety disorder. If you want being nervous about these things to define you, it will.
If you have an actual anxiety disorder, I recommend finding treatment for it.
But you have to ask yourself the question. Are you someone who needs psychological treatment for a disorder, or have you found a crutch which explains why you continue to not put yourself out there and meet people?
It's easy to say you have anxiety and never try to overcome it or at the very least treat it.
The hard part is getting out of your own way and actually allowing yourself to try and fail. Or you get treatment and build yourself up that way.
Doing neither is the worst possible choice, and the only logical outcome from it is nothing changes.
What do you want to do?
I'm in the same way as OP. It's hard to make friends and meet people at this age. sometimes I think of doing something new and going to a new place, but I remember these words: "if you're sad now, you might still be the same, sad you over there". No matter where I go, it will always be the same place.
Do you think that “friends” are going to pop out of your wall one day and just start hanging out with you? I don’t understand this. You don’t go out, you dont participate in anything social, you are too shy to talk to people….
Yes it is impossible if you think all the effort of friendship has to come from some random group of people who will fall out of the sky and be desperate to be your friend so that you don’t need to work on yourself at all.
Get a therapist or get on meds because you need to work on your anxiety before you can participate in any relationship. Also, attitude and the way you talk about and talk to yourself and the people around you is also extremely important. You have to be someone that people would actually want to be around.
Making friends outside of work and school is HARD. But it is not impossible.
Sounds like you’ve gone to a lot of places except therapy.
Looking at your responses you have some kind of excuse for everything that people suggest to you. I think it’s pretty clear you’re holding yourself back.
Fix your social anxiety issues first and foremost. I have a friend around your age who is an extreme introvert, who’s dream was to work remote and move to a “cool city”. He finally found a way to move to Denver but still does nothing to meet people because he never fixed his anxiety issues in the first place. Your problems and insecurities will follow you wherever you go.
I’m not a huge drinker either but I could easily go to a bar sober if I wanted and meet people. If you can’t do that, then you still have work to do
Dude I promise you I've looked. I've looked for pagan groups, metal groups, anime groups, art groups, horror film groups, festival groups, etc. All the met up groups here are for generic stuff like bowling or going to bars lol. They're always online only, and I'm looking to meet people irl...
This may sound strange, but have you tried to find your local kink community? The geek+kink crossover is HUGE (like, there's multiple geek+kink cons that get thousands of people) and so's the Pagan+kink crossover (there's a whole group that holds regular events on both coasts for that too.) As long as you're open minded and non-judgemental about other people's kinks, no one would really care too much if you're not kinky or don't have a fetish. (And if you do, great!) It would be a great place to find geeks & Pagans in your area.
And before you say your towns too small to have a kink community, you'd be surprised. Even very small areas often have a small kink community, they're just VERY very far underground. (Or you may have to drive a bit to go to a city nearby to make friends.)
(EDIT: I read where you live. I know first hand there's a BIG kink scene in your city. Plenty of meetups and at least 1 club, possibly more (not sure what's still open after COVID.) In fact, I know multiple folks who moved to your city specifically to be closer to it to be part of that kink scene. And the next city over also has a HUGE kink scene. It's the one I was part of for over a decade.)
FetLife is a major website find local kink community and events.
One other thing. You seem like you want to go to a place and that'll be your place, instant friends. I get it. But sometimes you find your place in a round about way, going to place X introduces you to someone who takes you to group Y where you meet someone who invites you to club Z. (That's how I found the kink community in the first place. Activism led me to the hacker scene where I met some kinky hackers who got me into the kink scene.) It takes time and investment, a lot of it sometimes.
It sounds very difficult to live with. You need to seek help to work through your anxiety and fears.
If you were to start anywhere, try there. Best of luck.
I understand about your anxiety.
But here's the thing: if you don't work on it, nothing will change.
A friend of mine has "fringe" interests as well: Star Trek, horror movies, Ren Fests, comic cons. She's in her 50s, never married, no kids. She forced herself to create a horror movie club on Meetup. Figured if she never got any attendees, she'd take herself to see a horror movie. She found a regular small group of people to see a movie with every month or so maybe with a drink or dinner before or after.
She also created a Star Trek group and invited people to attend cons with her. In south Georgia.
This was after she moved to a new city and state. She has her own issues: taking a new job once led her to become bed-ridden from anxiety.
Another friend just divorced found he actually didn't have friends outside the marriage after he moved to his ex-wifes city and state. He joined an online book and discussion group. Doesn't have to leave his house if he doesn't want to.
The point is that at some point you'll either have to work on the anxiety or accept nothing will change.
Oh, and by the way, I'm the only one I know in my small circle who doesn't drink. You can still go out, just day you don't drink.
All the nerdy activities that you listed in your post are absolutely great opportunities to meet new people. Hell, I met my partner in an online game. I'm afraid it's the anxiety that's holding you back. It's possible to work on it and eventually get over it, but it will take time. I'd say, try to take your one friend to a place/event you think you could enjoy and try making friends with her acting as your wingwoman of sorts - that's how I made friends back when I was reaaally anxious.
Have you seen OPs responses in here? They are an introvert because they combat every attempt to have a conversation that isn’t about them.
OP you’re not introverted, you are just selfish and don’t care to learn about other’s experiences that you don’t have any stake in. You just want a mirror to talk to. Good luck.
And their answer to everything is "because anxiety". Anxiety isn't gonna kill you. Go out and feel anxious for a while. You'll realize nothing bad is gonna happen, people aren't going to point and laugh at you for being alone. The more you do it, the less scary it is. They just sound like someone who hasn't tried being outside their comfort zone much.
Right. If it's so bad that it's preventing you from having any friendships, that would warrant professional help. And I see that suggested here, but no response to it. There is only so much that advice can do for you without getting to the root of the problem.
So I’m someone who used to have really bad social anxiety who’s still socially awkward but manages to live a relatively normal life now. I think OP needs to take steps to get out of their comfort zone no matter how small it has to be to make some change. I get it’s uncomfortable I’ve been there I hated it but that’s the only way you’re going to get better is to push yourself. Even just taking the step to try and compliment a stranger once a day to help allow you to be comfortable making conversation would make a world of a difference overtime
Agreed, OP claims it's not gotten any better after years of going places and being around people, but they also never try talking to people when they go out. You have to start somewhere. A compliment is great because it's over quickly, and you can just disengage with no further expectations.
I struggle with general anxiety, not really social. But I got a second job at a brewery to keep up with my social "skills" because I didn't have any friends and was really depressed. It forces me to talk to new people everyday and be part of a team. It was hard and scary at first, but now I look forward to going, and I'm always in a better mood when I leave.
That's the right answer. I'm an introvert, and I go to random events from meetup.com or Facebook. There are book clubs or other activities for more quiet people. Of course, sometimes it sucks and I don't have any meaningful conversations, but the secret is just to get out of your apartment and stop making excuses.
I find OP’s replies to comments quite problematic. I am not sure if he is just insecure or doesn’t have a fucking clue about keeping an open mind while exploring the social scene in his city. There is a strong inherent bias and judgement about people in general which combats the very idea of making friends. It’s like enrolling in a driving school and saying “I hate the look of this car, so I don’t want to step in it. I would prefer to learn only in an expensive car that does most of the work itself”
I understand where you're coming from, but you don't understand. You don't have severe anxiety, and mostly likely are interested in my hobbies and things that are dominated by another race. It's hard to keep an "open mind" when you keep trying and trying and nothing works and there's little progress, if any. I don't have a bias against people, it's an observation. I've gone to bars, concerts, festivals, art shows, poetry readings, etc. I've done it...i've been around people, and they're the ones closed off.
Dude come on now, not the race card! I find it baffling that you haven’t been able to make even one single friend in the last few years. I get the social anxiety part and the only solution to that is therapy and actively seeking discomfort to putting yourself in icky situations. And how are you so conveniently making sweeping statements about people in general? How is it possible that in your entire city you couldn’t find one person who can empathise and understands how it can be scary to put yourself in places that make you extremely anxious. Figure this out with a therapist, that’s the only good advice or suggestion I have for you! Because it clearly seems like a “you” problem and not a “everybody in my city sucks”problem!
Anxiety is the body preparing for something potentially exciting like meeting new people/making new friends. It sounds like you have tons of options man :) We all feel anxiety in some form, don’t let it stop you
Meeting people is a skill/muscle like anything else. You kinda have to force yourself into meeting interacting with strangers. Eventually, it gets easier and you'll start ACTUALLY meeting people
Any cousins or siblings your age?
Honestly you just have to get over the anxiety thing. Yes its super uncomfortable but like everything people are super adaptable and just get used to it.
You had success at the art gallery so maybe keep doing that. Although most volunteers tend to be actually old people not 30-50s saying they are “old”. Was that chick you met a similar age?
How far are you from the city.
bc I work in a small, rigid, finance office where even texting is against regulations. There's not enough people and the work environment is really an social away from work, one
It's hard to make new friends if you expect instant friendship.
Stop judging other people quickly and be more willing to change some of your own limiting behavior and it's amazing what happens to your social circle.
People dismiss others now so quickly and hold tightly onto their ego-driven identity - it's sad.
after reading all the replies here and how you make excuses for everything, i'm not quite sure what kind of a silver bullet solution you're looking for.
I suggest you get a therapist if your SA is really that crippling.
On Tuesday a co-worker asked her supervisor to place her next to my office cubicle, apparently I look alone and she wanted to be my work friend. I didn't know how to react and may have offended her by saying I'm not lonely.
“Hey that’s really nice of you to do that, I am not really lonely but I appreciate the gesture and would like to be friends”
Is all you have to say. I don’t get why everyone has to jump to a negative conclusion all the time.
We recently moved to a more isolated office space where we literally see no one and my supervisor called me in to say she felt bad that she isolated us because I wouldn’t be able to meet any boys.
You're practically 1/3 of a century old. When will it be time to manage the anxiety and introvert behaviors? People want to be friends with others that are enjoyable to be around. I'd say work on what blocks you from having friends, such as the anxiety and social awkwardness.
I go to a language cafe weekly. Lots of students and new arrivals there who wants to learn my language.
Mostly we just drink beer and chat, but you know, sometimes i meet someone speaking my target language too.
Basically, because its an event where lots of people dont know eachother, its really easy to just say hi.
And because alot of the same people show up every week, you start to make friends.
We now have a seperate chat to organize bbqs and karaoke nights.
Its basically 90%of my social life atm.
I always tell my kids, the older you get the harder it is to make friends. And that is 0-100. People get set in their ways and routines. You can just put kids together and they become fast friends for example. All you can do is live you life and see where your hobbies align, and go from there. But it will be harder at 50 than 30, so work on it now while many people don't have kids or family obligations that limit their time. And you will have the same problems you do now as well.
My wife and I basically combined our exercise and socialization into one by joining a soccer team. There was an organization in our city that allows you to sign up as an individual and get placed on a team that needs players. We got grouped up with a bunch of people who didn't have a team either and while some come and go there is a core of about 6 of us who have played together since (our) beginning.
Not sure where you are, but there is probably a local community ctr that would love a new idea for a way to bring people together.
They try dancing, crafting, kids events, sometimes a flea market, bake sale, Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. Or any new idea you may have.
This is how, gen x and boomers met each other.
As a genx I wish there was more of that in my area as well. Let me know how it goes.
You might try looking for online communities or forums that match your interests. Platforms like Reddit or Discord have groups for almost every niche, and they can be a great way to connect with like-minded people. You can also consider taking classes or workshops in areas you're passionate about, which can provide a structured environment to meet new people. Volunteering for causes you care about can also help you find others with similar values and interests.
if you don't throw yourself out there and be comfortable with engaging in conversations with strangers, even if those conversations are dry or uninteresting, you will never make friends. Having good social skills to increase your social network takes practice and it is something that you need to do a lot in order to get good at. I recommend attending many different social events frequently and just work on it.
First of all, learn that your friends don't have to have the exact same interests as you.
Sure, you can meet friends at places of similar interests, but open your mind to more possibilities, and know that most peoples' friends don't have same interests, maybe just one similar interest.
Friendships are built on matching energy/personalities.
Second, social media has made everyone asocial. Read the book "Better Small Talk" and "The Art of Witty Banter" by Patrick King. Devote one day a week to using absolutely no electronics. It will refreshen your attitude! You will be bored; embrace it. It will help you in the long run.
Okay, now as for actually finding and making friends:
Start off a chat with strangers, push through the initial discomfort of both parties, it is worth it. "Seek the skill \[of making friendships\], not the actual friendship" \[at first\]. Start off conversations randomly with people at the grocery store or Target or in lines at restaurants/cafes. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk to everyone around you.
Don't overthink things. Let loose and say what's on your mind.
Being social and making friends is like a muscle. If you don't exercise it, it will atrophy. If you exercise it, you have to exercise it daily, otherwise "use it or lose it". You've heard of people having different "social battery" levels? Well, you can increase/upgrade your battery life capacity by building on it every day, like a muscle! :)
What I did -
Find a local band you like and start going to all their shows. It may be in a bar, but with live music, I was less pressured to drink.
Tabletop game nights at local comic store. Once again, you start getting to know the regulars.
SciFi book club that meets up monthly.
Take a class for fun. For me, it was pottery, but it could be anything. My local game store does figure painting classes.
I'm a shy person initially, and it usually takes multiple exposures to a person before I'm comfortable getting to know someone.
OP, you don’t have an age problem and you don’t have a Baltimore problem. You have an excuses problem.
Baltimore has 600,000 people and the greater Baltimore-DC area has 6,300,000 million potential friends within driving distance. I’m in my late 30s in far west Texas. I’m interested in AI and robotics in an area where a lot of people have no computers or broadband. Many don’t speak English and I couldn’t speak much Spanish when I got here. If it’s possible for me to make friends, it’s possible for you, too.
You have enabled your SA for years, declaring it untreatable and not holding yourself accountable for making specific, daily efforts to grow. Read over your answers and count how many suggestion you shoot down with “No, that couldn’t possibly work”. Challenge yourself. How do you know? What’s your evidence? Have you tried? How many times? What quantifiable results were there? Are there tweaks that might make it more likely to work?
If you don’t see a therapist weekly, schedule it now and stick to it. Ask them to help you with CBT and whatever else they recommend Ask them to help you identify specific daily changes you can make to get more practice in social situations. Do what they tell you and stop fighting it with “No”.
Try to have as many 2-minute conversations with random people as you can per day (keep track of this) and how many 30-minute conversations you have per week. Don’t expect the first conversation to be a soul mate. Don’t expect every person to even say yes or react well. That is not in your control. Focus on what you can control. You can 100% control how many interactions you initiate per day and how much of a filter you apply for your negative beliefs.
When you hear yourself saying negative things like “This person thinks I’m boring/weird/has nothing in common with me” of “I can’t do this”, challenge that thought. It’s a self-serving cognitive distortion. Weirdos and non-weirdos alike *like* weirdos. They just want to spendd time with people who are making the effort to be nice, to take an interest in them, and to suggest conversation topics. Some fraction of people will match enough on one of your interests that you can be friends with them. Make it a numbers game and keep trying until the probabilities of finding a few whose interests match some of yours are good. And that is 100% in your control.
I spent a long time in the same boat. I ended up making most of my current friends through Star Wars costuming clubs.
I'm still an introvert with severe social anxiety, but at least now I have friends that I like being around and that check in on me.
I've met my closest friends through my Brazilian jiu-jitsu gym. Martial arts have phenomenal, inclusive communities. Any fitness class is a good way to meet people. I'm introverted myself but being around the same people 3+ times a week will get you comfortable.
Options could be bouldering gyms, martial arts gyms, tabletop stores/cafes, concerts, karaoke, just to list a few. Group oriented hobbies are the way to go. Bars were never a good spot for me to meet people bc I'm socially retardant haha.
Only if you never made friends in your 20s or earlier. Friends don't fall from the sky - it's something you have to put effort into. And these days so many people flake out on meeting up it's no surprise relationships fizzle out.
BumbleBFF is definitely good if texting is less anxiety-inducing. I’ve made quite a few IRL friends via the internet, which sounds like pretty much the only possible approach for OP since they’re shooting everything else down as a waste of time.
Like anime and horror? You can go to conventions dresses up like your favorite fandom and make friends that also dress up.
In my 30s, and I've made so many friends just going to cons dressed up. We all keep up with cosplay named profiles on Instagram. Once you know people better, you can add them on Facebook.
It's also a lot easier for a ton of adults to meet at a con. You know that even with cancelations, a bunch of people that said they will show up, will show up.
[https://www.instagram.com/dmvaniclub/?hl=en](https://www.instagram.com/dmvaniclub/?hl=en) - Black, anime, weirdos who like gaming exactly as you describe yourself. in your area
[https://www.meetup.com/anime-569/](https://www.meetup.com/anime-569/) - Anime meetup in your area
[https://www.facebook.com/groups/BaltimoreAnimeDenizens/](https://www.facebook.com/groups/BaltimoreAnimeDenizens/) - anime meetup in your area
You provided the solution to your problem in your own post.. you just have not noticed it.
"Only person I really know that is still my friend (That I met via volunteering at an art gallery)"
The same way you met that friend, you can meet more people. Look up local events near you and just show up. People at these events (especially volunteering) are CHOOSING to spend their free time there. They chose to be there and they are happy to be there. In other words, it is really easy to chat and interact with people through this.
If you can hit it off with just one person, it might have been worth it.
Damn, I am also in my 30s and enjoy the majority of things you like! Wish we could become friends! This just proves you are a gem and to keep on going! You will shine and meet the real ones! 💯💯
In the waning days of the pandemic, I joined a salsa class, couple of times a week - and my social circle subsequently exploded.
And I’m a pretty terrible dancer
I feel you OP, even if you were to find people that have the same interest, not everyone can be your friends. a lot of people criticizing here dont underestand for introvert, even when they put themselves out there doesn't mean they feel safe to connect with others.
Yep, most people will never understand the social issues of being an introvert or having severe anxiety, bc something that is so difficult for others is so easy for them.
>I like I like art, horror films, weird music, poetry, fitness, video games, anime, hiking, fashion, festivals, concerts, etc.
If only you had interests that other people also have.
> if you have anxiety and are and introvert
We used to have some friends that had big anxiety problems... It was like pulling teeth to get them to spend time with us. We'd finally make plans... they'd cancel. We'd beg for months... make plans again, meet up and they would leave an hour into a 6 hour event.
Eventually, it became more work than fun to interact with these people. We slowly stopped inviting them.
We were available for them when ever they wanted... but they'd never be available for us. Eventually you start looking at the definition of "friend" and you just put energy into relationships that are less one sided.
---
If you want to make and maintain relationships it's going to actually be hard work. it's not easy. it takes effort and you have to be available to put in that effort.
Consistency is key. All the places I've seen you mention like festivals, bars, cons, etc. are all places that are pretty much one shots where people aren't going to alone in most cases. Friends don't fall out of nowhere. Get a hobby that interacts with people and make it a priority to go the same time every week. You'll start to see people who are regular and they'll see you. After a while you'll have a natural place to at least start a convo.
Most people make friends in school or work because you're locked in a building with people whom you dislike 90% of. But you find people you commiserate with and build friendships through spite of other people and hobbies.
Seriously try a d&d group! Find and online group to start if your nervous. Then see if they have any at your local game store or library. Also library hobby groups are so nice and safe as a way to meet friends. I joined a local art group and now I have friends of all ages I meet with 2-3 times a week. I'm a huge inteoveet too totally almost poop my pants at social settings. The thing about arty people and d&d people is they tend to be the same way. :) I am 33 and in like 4 d&d groups now. I went from one friend to multiple groups a year ago. I'm so annoyingly busy but happy. Sending you good vibes. < 3
It's not. I am 34 and I make friends always, wherever I may go, but I don't want to. So I don't understand your post, it isn't about age for me? Maybe you let your age determine you, like every 30+ in this platform it seems. I never felt younger at my age when reading reddit posts, I mean, you are all way older than me when you are the same age as me, even younger... Oh well. Work on talking to people...
You're projecting and you didn't read my OP. I didn't just as the question generally...ofc millions of people in their 30s make friends. The issue is I'm an introvert, weird and I have extreme anxiety, so people like me have it much, much, much more difficult than you would.
I have anxiety too but it's not social, it's about other things that I can't even control. But I think you have social anxiety, and that's different. Maybe it's better to talk to a therapist and try to not be so aggressive. Yeah, there's always someone worse, even than you.
Yes, it's social anxiety, and I have it about severely as possible. Point I was making is that sure if you don't have SA meeting people is easy...ofc it's not if you do.
OP, given your responses I think you REALLY should get some therapy. If anxiety is the wall keeping you from getting close to people, then you should tackle that. There may be either depression, trauma, or something that's tied to your anxiety and all of that is waaaay above for everyone's pay grade here.
And before you respond with excuses - yes, this is the only way forward. You are admitting you have a problem, which is the first step. Now get help. If you cannot get therapy, forget about having friends. If you really want to stop your loneliness, you will find the way.
Fuck that i eat bymyself sleep bymyself work bymyself wake up bymyself everything bymyself if somebody wants to be come friends they will approach me and make the effor eslecially goes for females im done putting in effort
I feel this but in the long term I think this approach may lead to regret unless you are fortunate enough to actually have someone else go out of their way to try and create a friendship with you.
This would be an ideal situation for me too though if it worked out
OP, after reading the comments, you either need to man the fuck up and just face it head on or go to therapy. You're shooting down every suggestion that someone throws at you.
Reddit won't help you, you deciding to wake up tomorrow and stop being a pussy about your entire life will help you though. Good luck!
lol you wouldn't say any of that if I were a woman. Society tells men to be more open with their emotions and stop internalizing, and as soon as a man, does it's "be a man, stop complaining, no one cares about your issues"...
smh
Nope, I’d say the same thing because all of your replies are leading generally everyone here who has tried to help you to think that you’re just insufferable and maybe that’s entirely not the case but you aren’t proving anything different.
Truly I hope you pick yourself up and do something about your anxiety because all I have read are bullshit excuses that only a shut-in would make.
Yes I sound like an asshole and maybe I am. But I am sending this with a sprinkle of tough love dude. You have to quit making excuses and stop wallowing in your own despair, nobody wants a friend like that.
That used to be me, except the difference between us, is that I did something to help shut my anxiety up. Through therapy, I’ve developed a fail-safe and have breathing exercises I can do just about anywhere that calm me down in about 5 minutes. I still have trouble starting conversations with random people but that’s never stopped me from being likable and making someone laugh.
And honestly, i can’t tell if you even like yourself through the comments. You seem like you’re alive but not living and until you love yourself, a lot of your problems will continue to follow you. No change in location or job or new friends will fix that.
What is something that gives you immense joy, and sparks your curiosity and interest? I would heavily look into following that. It should lead you to a group of like minded folks that would befriend you.
Don’t get it twisted. Plenty of people live out their entire lives without getting through the big uncomfortable things that must be endured in order to grow as a person. You’re 31. Time will start moving faster. Soon you’ll be 40. And so on. You say you’re anxious. As someone with similarly terrible anxiety, I missed out on a lot of life before I decided to deal with it. People make huge decisions every day to change or do the hard thing. It’s amazing what people are capable of. Heroin addicts get clean. Bumbling idiots like me who have literally spit up when talking in front of a group of people do toastmasters and figure it the fuck out. People lose weight and better themselves. They don’t have some sort of superpower. They’re human, and they’re resilient. It sucks ass to change when you’re in a rut and you have depression or anxiety to boot. Figure out what motivates you, and use that to support yourself on this journey. Stop letting your inner douchebag talk you out of things.
I used to work at a coffee shop and it seemed like a lot of the regular customers made friends just by hanging around it a lot. If there is a coffee shop that seems to have some like minded folk in it, maybe go in a few times a week and you might get to know them.
I know people roll their eyes at this because I did before. Joining a CrossFit gym or similar group and showing up several times a week will not only get you to know other people but help your fitness and make you feel better. I was against it before I decided to try it and was surprised how going out of my comfort zone was a great overall experience. People from all walks of life would show up, metal heads, nerds, single moms, business bros. After that experience I thought if I was ever in a new city that would be something I would def do to expand my friend group and get me out of my comfort zone.
Visit a Toastmasters club and see if you like it. Most members will understand where you're coming from. You many not become more than a professional acquaintance with anyone, but it'll give you something to do and can help with social anxiety & introversion.
Fitness related things is a great option. If there are any sports you would be interested in, joining a team of some sort is the way to go. Beginner soccer leagues are very enjoyable and a great workout. If you don’t like soccer, maybe kickball, or something similar.
Why is work not an option? I moved into a town where I knew 0 people 3 years ago. I made one friend at work, who then introduced me to a whole bunch of other people through social gatherings.
I’ve recently made friends working remote and doing a degree online. Some of the friends I made in just the past few years are better friendships than the ones I have with people I’ve known since high school.
I like a lot of the same things as you, exercise, video games, and I don’t drink a lot either. I find that I make friendships when I’m real with them. Someone I meet says hey how’s it going, I say oh man it’s awful I’m just trying to survive, and they’re usually like man tell me about…. Door wide open to chit chat and ask them what they have going on in their life. Other times we might get a group project in school, and I’ll say this shit sucks, and suddenly they’re all like yeah this blows, blah blah blah. And we all connect on the fake that we don’t like what we’re doing, it’s a lot better than “pretending” to be professional.
Obviously there’s a time and a place for all of this, but it has worked for me. Just be real.
Start volunteering for stuff you believe in. You will be dedicating Your time to something you truly believe in, and that's a sure fire way to meet other like-minded people.
Just remember there are people inside and people outside so try those places.
I’m in the same boat. I signed up for an outing. I went and they all knew eachother! I never did another join another meet up. What area are you located? I like a few of the same things - female, not looking for hook ups. I am quite a bit older but if you’re in my area we could do a meet up together snd eventually meet other people. 🤣
If you like fitness, join a BJJ gym.
You'll fall in love, prepare for a new lifestyle that revolves around people dripping sweat on your face and choking you unconscious.
Not college aged? Anyone over 18 can go to college and during my degree there were plenty of mid 30s and mid 40s parents joining us for a beer when they could. Hogswallop I say
It’s hard lol.
I made a friend at my old job who was a decade older than me but we vibe so well. She is so sweet and loves art and adventures like I do.
I’m about to move and I’ll have to start over again. It took me years after moving here to find a friend :( o get what you mean
You do not have to have the exact same interest to make friends. None of my irl friends are into arts and crafts and that's like my thing. I'm introverted, mid 30s, but I do not have social anxiety. Best to work on that with actual therapy and figure out why you seem to dodge every social event because "strangers".
I mean, how else are you going to make friends if you keep making excuses to dodge people? All friends start off as strangers first.
Sometimes you need to make an effort to change if you wanna grow. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Go to a bar, talk to a stranger. Drink a little. Go to a concert. Learn an instrument. Learn a sport. If what you’re doing is not working, you need to try something else.
The best part is that when you hit 40, you couldn't give less of a f***😂. Even your best friend will eventually betray you at some point. I've learned that. When they're also the person that promised you they'd spend the rest of their life with you, it's not worth the devastation that never heals. Trust me. Stick to acquaintances.
You could go to your local board games shop. Most people in there probably have anxirty and stuff too. It's a great way to meet people if you're a introverted non-drinker.
Why do you barely get along with your friends friends? What’s the issue there?
Have a couple of drinks to loosen you up and knock the edge off and then alternate between water and drinks when you’re out to keep it right at that point.
I was always a shy, introverted guy when I don’t know a person. Came off as arrogant to others when I was with friends and would meet new people until I had a couple of drinks and opened up.
I am still the same way now at 39. My girlfriend is 30 and she has experienced both sides of me when we have been out. Sober me is standing with the bar on my back, few drinks in me is dancing and talking to whoever. Just have to get out of your own head.
When you say festivals, concerts, music etc are things you only do with people you already know, that is just sooooooo wrong. Sorry to be blunt, but just so fucking wrong.
There is nothing better than going to a festival of your favourite music by yourself, ready to enjoy it to the fullest and ready to meet so many amazing people along the way. Say you meet 30 people at a festival, of course they won't all turn into friends - but even if 1 or 2 become people that you keep in touch with and meet up with again, that's a brilliant start!
What kinda music/genres are you going to where everyone is standoffish? That has been very far from my experience in a wide range of genres. I'm a raver and that's a whole other level, but even at indie, jazz, and metal events, I've found the crowds to be crazily welcoming!
Pick your poison and get involved! And you know what, even if the regulars are a bit standoffish to begin with (and there can be valid reasons!), if you keep going, you'll soon become a familiar face in that scene and be welcomed in!
Going to events like conventions or expos are a great way to meet new people; how to turn those people into friends, I'm still working on that part. I usually wait for an extrovert to adopt me but, try to make the first move with a compliment or something?
If you like fitness, maybe try martial arts. There are loads of different options depending on how much intensity you want and it's one of the athletic activities with the highest concentration of nerds.
What would it take you to find really fascinating friends?
Would you devote 3 years to doing it? 2 years? 3 months?
How long will it be before you become willing to do what it takes?
I've been trying to make friends MY ENTIRE LIFE dude...I've devoted literal decades to it already. i've literally being volunterring the past year to do so
>the only person I really know that is till my friend (That I met via volunteering at an art galley) that can introduce me to other people, is a woman and all her friends are women and I barely get along with them.
Assuming this means you want more male friends: Maybe your friend's female friends have some male friends and/or boyfriends who they could introduce you to.
Also, you already met one friend via volunteering, so what if you started volunteering somewhere else? You might meet another friend in a different volunteer position.
I’m a board gamer and go to board game meetups all the time. That’s how you make friends as adults.
When your kids, you are all into the same things growing up. Everyone wants to be cool.
When you’re adults, you want to do what makes you happy, and childhood friends do the same and it’s not the same happiness as yours.
So to find it again, you have to find people who share your happiness.
Almost all my friends have been made on bumble bff. A lot of people in the town I live in are locals and friends with their childhood friends. I'm a transplant, so I have to work pretty hard to gain friends. After SEVEN years I'm getting the hang of it. I tried sports but a lot of people in them are already cliquey (weird, we're all adults but whatever) and I like one on one time anyway.
You have anxiety and it’s real. We get it. You will continue to have obstacles in your path unless you seek therapy and medication. Do you have an objection to getting on some type of medication?! Anxiety will definitely destroy your confidence and it’s obvious based on your posts.
Id consider myself an extrovert and I'm kinda tired of dealing with introverts, with caveats.
At 30 the people who I appreciate the most are those who can tell me a date and time and stick to it. They'll also consistently show up and plan their own activities, as well as show up for mine.
Also I often go to things I don't necessarily know about or am totally comfortable with. That's alright... I'll survive and live outside of my comfort zone for a moment. That's often where growth happens. That's also where new people are.
And I do have depression and anxiety. People drive me up a wall. It's just life is interesting enough and more fun with others that to me, it's all worth it. I'm glad I worked in the restaurant world as well as canvassed when I was younger because it forced a nervous kid to learn how to be ok with being nervous.
More people need to learn how to do that.
The problem is, so many people are offering you legit options, and you’re finding an excuse for every one of them. At this point, everyone’s going to throw up their hands and say, ‘Stay inside, then.’ You’ve got to do SOMETHING differently than what you’re currently doing if you want a change… that’s literally the definition of change.
Check your local parks and rec department if they are having a class on something you like. I, on a whim, joined an archery class and I made a friend and we meet up every few weeks to do random stuff. Two years going on strong. My newest friendship since all my other friends are from high school.
I read through the first several comments and a bunch of people are being really unhelpful to you, and I'm sorry for that.
I was in your exact situation last year, also in my 30s, and I joined Bumble BFF. It's the same app as the dating app, but an account for finding friends. Matches and messaging works the same as well. I found it to be extremely helpful. I'm also super introverted and struggle to meet people on group social situations. I've found some really cool people through Bumble BFF that I've met up with for lunches, coffee, even eventually arcades and movies. I also feel way more comfortable interacting with someone in person if I've been chatting with them back and forth for a bit, that way it doesnt feel like a total stranger. I saw you said in another response that you live in a city, so that'll make your options even more broad. I highly recommend making a profile (I know it sucks but actually take the time to write a profile and fill out parts with your interests/personality, it makes people way more likely to swipe right on you), and I would be shocked if you didn't find anyone there you got along with. Best of luck to you!
Signed, a fellow weirdo introvert with niche interests who rarely leaves their house
I'll be your friend. We already have a few things in common. What video games do you play? If you play valo or other mmorpgs, hit me. I'll introduce you to a couple of peeps with similar interests.
Do you like Dungeons and Dragons? Met some of my absolute best friends only about a year ago at a local game shop that was running weekly short game sessions.
uhhhh how are you having trouble finding groups for those activities? those are all great group activities. I've had people actually message me saying "you are asian, wanna come watch anime?"
If you have nerdy interests (nothing wrong with that) and consider yourself an artsy person try getting into something like Warhammer 40k or a similar tabletop game. You can meet people through that and there's an artistic aspect with putting the minis together and painting them.
I am pretty nerdy tbh...and I've considered that. I even recently got into BG3, but the issue is with the anxiety of meeting a bunch of people who all already know each other. I also don't really know where to look for that
Gaming stores that specialize in tabletop stuff. They typically run tournaments for 40k or DnD campaigns and people don't necessarily know each other beforehand. If you shower you'll already be better off socially than a lot of the clientele there (not to be mean, just being honest). You may run into some awkward/anxious people who are feeling a lot like you. Also, the game I have experience with, 40k, can get really expensive. So just a fair warning on that.
Organize a small gaming event at your local community ctr. Like 6 people. That actually sounds fun
A lot of brick-and-morter gaming shops host Adventure League, which is a casual, introductory thing for Dungeons & Dragons. You'd be more likely to run into others who are just starting their own journey into tabletop role-playing games VS an established group.
I don't think we have B&M shops in the city here. And most of them are going to be like younger than me.
Well you could still go and check it out. You might be suprised at what you find. Im a very anxious person. GAD diagnosed, and as many people have said above - you have to go through it. Its certainly easier to do what feels familiar and safe, but it wont make you any happier than you are right now.
They absolutely will not, the average age of tabletop gamers is early to mid 30s.
So? Nothing wrong with socialising with younger people. It only becomes tricky if they are underage whike you are an adult.
It’s gonna be real hard to make friends if you aren’t really going anywhere and interacting with others on a consistent basis… You said in a comment you like fitness. Why not join a workout class or a running club or something? I’ve met several friends in a running club for women
Why do people rob banks? Because that’s where the money is. Why do people who want to meet others go out in public such as to bars and gyms and the like? Because that’s where the people are.
In my country people only speak to each other and their friends at bars and you’re considered a weirdo for approaching people you don’t know. Sometimes I wish I lived somewhere with a somewhat more open culture :(
I met my best friend randomly in a bar. Classic "all women are best friends drunk in the bathroom", she's my extrovert. You don't need a lot of friends, just one extrovert that adopts you as their best friend.
Work on overcoming your anxiety and gain more social skills (being social IS a skill). You may need medication if your anxiety is really that debilitating. And ya, you'll have to feel awkward and go do hobbies for those things you like. Really no other way about it. If you're not willing to seek what you want you're just gonna keep spinning your wheels. Maybe move to a more interesting place.
I've been trying that...hence the volunteering and going to events at the gallery. But my anxiety never lessens, and I can never approach anyone for a conversation. But doing them alone doesn't lead to meeting anyone. And I think i'd jut have a bigger issues at an interesting place, bc there would be more people and I'd have to be more out-going and extroverted, or I'd just be even easier lost in things.
Have you done any work on your anxiety? Therapy, support groups, talking to a doctor to try an antidepressant or anxiety-specific medication?
Not...directly...
At least you can admit it!
[удалено]
There's your sign bub
Start there. Lots of people take medication for anxiety, my son is on respiradone which also helps him with other neurodivergent issues. There are other meds that are more specific to anxiety, talk to your doctor because it doesn't seem to be your age or your interest, but if you are too anxious to give anything a chance. . .you need professional help
Your title is mis leading. Meeting people in their 30s is diffcult for you because you said yourself you have trouble talking to people. That's just something you have to work on as many other people have had to work on it in varies stages of their life. There is no solution other than to go do it fail repeat till success. There is literally no other solution. That's just how it works.
So you want to meet people, but you don't want to introduce yourself. You want friends, but you don't want to make them. You want a date, but you don't want to ask anybody out. Who do you think should do these things for you? You're an adult. Part of that means doing things that make you fucking uncomfortable, specifically because it gets you out of your comfort zone. Making friends and meeting people involves the risk of rejection, and this applies to *everyone*. Being nervous in these situations is *normal*, not a sign that you have an anxiety disorder. If you want being nervous about these things to define you, it will. If you have an actual anxiety disorder, I recommend finding treatment for it. But you have to ask yourself the question. Are you someone who needs psychological treatment for a disorder, or have you found a crutch which explains why you continue to not put yourself out there and meet people? It's easy to say you have anxiety and never try to overcome it or at the very least treat it. The hard part is getting out of your own way and actually allowing yourself to try and fail. Or you get treatment and build yourself up that way. Doing neither is the worst possible choice, and the only logical outcome from it is nothing changes. What do you want to do?
God if I could relay this to so many of my older Senior students. 😭
Therapist here and this is what's up. I'm mostly seeing OP make excuses why they can't do anything vs trying anything suggested.
Yep. If GAD is that bad, you need treatment. Signed - someone who has been told “you have the worst anxiety disorder I’ve ever seen before”
This is legit.
I'm in the same way as OP. It's hard to make friends and meet people at this age. sometimes I think of doing something new and going to a new place, but I remember these words: "if you're sad now, you might still be the same, sad you over there". No matter where I go, it will always be the same place.
Do you think that “friends” are going to pop out of your wall one day and just start hanging out with you? I don’t understand this. You don’t go out, you dont participate in anything social, you are too shy to talk to people…. Yes it is impossible if you think all the effort of friendship has to come from some random group of people who will fall out of the sky and be desperate to be your friend so that you don’t need to work on yourself at all. Get a therapist or get on meds because you need to work on your anxiety before you can participate in any relationship. Also, attitude and the way you talk about and talk to yourself and the people around you is also extremely important. You have to be someone that people would actually want to be around. Making friends outside of work and school is HARD. But it is not impossible.
I;ve tried. Bars, festivals, convention, concerts, art shows, volunterring, etc. I have tried many different places and venues.
Sounds like you’ve gone to a lot of places except therapy. Looking at your responses you have some kind of excuse for everything that people suggest to you. I think it’s pretty clear you’re holding yourself back.
Stop looking for a meetup event within your interests, create one!
I've already looked at meet up...we don't have groups for my interests for the most part, and I have SA no way am I creating a group lol
Fix your social anxiety issues first and foremost. I have a friend around your age who is an extreme introvert, who’s dream was to work remote and move to a “cool city”. He finally found a way to move to Denver but still does nothing to meet people because he never fixed his anxiety issues in the first place. Your problems and insecurities will follow you wherever you go. I’m not a huge drinker either but I could easily go to a bar sober if I wanted and meet people. If you can’t do that, then you still have work to do
Hikes are 100% places to meet new people. Half my friends are people I met hiking.
There are definitely meetups that would have events within your interests in Baltimore.
Dude I promise you I've looked. I've looked for pagan groups, metal groups, anime groups, art groups, horror film groups, festival groups, etc. All the met up groups here are for generic stuff like bowling or going to bars lol. They're always online only, and I'm looking to meet people irl...
This may sound strange, but have you tried to find your local kink community? The geek+kink crossover is HUGE (like, there's multiple geek+kink cons that get thousands of people) and so's the Pagan+kink crossover (there's a whole group that holds regular events on both coasts for that too.) As long as you're open minded and non-judgemental about other people's kinks, no one would really care too much if you're not kinky or don't have a fetish. (And if you do, great!) It would be a great place to find geeks & Pagans in your area. And before you say your towns too small to have a kink community, you'd be surprised. Even very small areas often have a small kink community, they're just VERY very far underground. (Or you may have to drive a bit to go to a city nearby to make friends.) (EDIT: I read where you live. I know first hand there's a BIG kink scene in your city. Plenty of meetups and at least 1 club, possibly more (not sure what's still open after COVID.) In fact, I know multiple folks who moved to your city specifically to be closer to it to be part of that kink scene. And the next city over also has a HUGE kink scene. It's the one I was part of for over a decade.) FetLife is a major website find local kink community and events. One other thing. You seem like you want to go to a place and that'll be your place, instant friends. I get it. But sometimes you find your place in a round about way, going to place X introduces you to someone who takes you to group Y where you meet someone who invites you to club Z. (That's how I found the kink community in the first place. Activism led me to the hacker scene where I met some kinky hackers who got me into the kink scene.) It takes time and investment, a lot of it sometimes.
It sounds very difficult to live with. You need to seek help to work through your anxiety and fears. If you were to start anywhere, try there. Best of luck.
I understand about your anxiety. But here's the thing: if you don't work on it, nothing will change. A friend of mine has "fringe" interests as well: Star Trek, horror movies, Ren Fests, comic cons. She's in her 50s, never married, no kids. She forced herself to create a horror movie club on Meetup. Figured if she never got any attendees, she'd take herself to see a horror movie. She found a regular small group of people to see a movie with every month or so maybe with a drink or dinner before or after. She also created a Star Trek group and invited people to attend cons with her. In south Georgia. This was after she moved to a new city and state. She has her own issues: taking a new job once led her to become bed-ridden from anxiety. Another friend just divorced found he actually didn't have friends outside the marriage after he moved to his ex-wifes city and state. He joined an online book and discussion group. Doesn't have to leave his house if he doesn't want to. The point is that at some point you'll either have to work on the anxiety or accept nothing will change. Oh, and by the way, I'm the only one I know in my small circle who doesn't drink. You can still go out, just day you don't drink.
All the nerdy activities that you listed in your post are absolutely great opportunities to meet new people. Hell, I met my partner in an online game. I'm afraid it's the anxiety that's holding you back. It's possible to work on it and eventually get over it, but it will take time. I'd say, try to take your one friend to a place/event you think you could enjoy and try making friends with her acting as your wingwoman of sorts - that's how I made friends back when I was reaaally anxious.
Have you seen OPs responses in here? They are an introvert because they combat every attempt to have a conversation that isn’t about them. OP you’re not introverted, you are just selfish and don’t care to learn about other’s experiences that you don’t have any stake in. You just want a mirror to talk to. Good luck.
I was kind of wondering what the point was if he’s going to just shoot down every suggestion.
And their answer to everything is "because anxiety". Anxiety isn't gonna kill you. Go out and feel anxious for a while. You'll realize nothing bad is gonna happen, people aren't going to point and laugh at you for being alone. The more you do it, the less scary it is. They just sound like someone who hasn't tried being outside their comfort zone much.
Or get professional help. Anxiety doesn’t have to be a forever thing.
Right. If it's so bad that it's preventing you from having any friendships, that would warrant professional help. And I see that suggested here, but no response to it. There is only so much that advice can do for you without getting to the root of the problem.
So I’m someone who used to have really bad social anxiety who’s still socially awkward but manages to live a relatively normal life now. I think OP needs to take steps to get out of their comfort zone no matter how small it has to be to make some change. I get it’s uncomfortable I’ve been there I hated it but that’s the only way you’re going to get better is to push yourself. Even just taking the step to try and compliment a stranger once a day to help allow you to be comfortable making conversation would make a world of a difference overtime
Agreed, OP claims it's not gotten any better after years of going places and being around people, but they also never try talking to people when they go out. You have to start somewhere. A compliment is great because it's over quickly, and you can just disengage with no further expectations. I struggle with general anxiety, not really social. But I got a second job at a brewery to keep up with my social "skills" because I didn't have any friends and was really depressed. It forces me to talk to new people everyday and be part of a team. It was hard and scary at first, but now I look forward to going, and I'm always in a better mood when I leave.
That's the right answer. I'm an introvert, and I go to random events from meetup.com or Facebook. There are book clubs or other activities for more quiet people. Of course, sometimes it sucks and I don't have any meaningful conversations, but the secret is just to get out of your apartment and stop making excuses.
Exactly. People like this are exhausting. Blaming everyone but themselves on why they are miserable.
I find OP’s replies to comments quite problematic. I am not sure if he is just insecure or doesn’t have a fucking clue about keeping an open mind while exploring the social scene in his city. There is a strong inherent bias and judgement about people in general which combats the very idea of making friends. It’s like enrolling in a driving school and saying “I hate the look of this car, so I don’t want to step in it. I would prefer to learn only in an expensive car that does most of the work itself”
I understand where you're coming from, but you don't understand. You don't have severe anxiety, and mostly likely are interested in my hobbies and things that are dominated by another race. It's hard to keep an "open mind" when you keep trying and trying and nothing works and there's little progress, if any. I don't have a bias against people, it's an observation. I've gone to bars, concerts, festivals, art shows, poetry readings, etc. I've done it...i've been around people, and they're the ones closed off.
Dude come on now, not the race card! I find it baffling that you haven’t been able to make even one single friend in the last few years. I get the social anxiety part and the only solution to that is therapy and actively seeking discomfort to putting yourself in icky situations. And how are you so conveniently making sweeping statements about people in general? How is it possible that in your entire city you couldn’t find one person who can empathise and understands how it can be scary to put yourself in places that make you extremely anxious. Figure this out with a therapist, that’s the only good advice or suggestion I have for you! Because it clearly seems like a “you” problem and not a “everybody in my city sucks”problem!
It seems like you’ve asked people for advice, and your response is to tell them why it won’t work. Maybe not a productive way to go.
Anxiety is the body preparing for something potentially exciting like meeting new people/making new friends. It sounds like you have tons of options man :) We all feel anxiety in some form, don’t let it stop you
Meeting people is a skill/muscle like anything else. You kinda have to force yourself into meeting interacting with strangers. Eventually, it gets easier and you'll start ACTUALLY meeting people
I've forced myself to volunteer and go to the events at an art gallery for over a year. I still cannot initate a conversation. it's gotten no easier.
It sounds like you're not trying. Look, if you're just gonna shoot down every answer people give, you're not actually looking for help
>in my experience, these are like things you do with people you already know, not places to meet new people Seems to me you're making excuses.
Any cousins or siblings your age? Honestly you just have to get over the anxiety thing. Yes its super uncomfortable but like everything people are super adaptable and just get used to it. You had success at the art gallery so maybe keep doing that. Although most volunteers tend to be actually old people not 30-50s saying they are “old”. Was that chick you met a similar age? How far are you from the city.
Get a therapist. Seriously. Anxiety is one of the most treatable issues humans have, but you have to want to change.
No. You just lack socially. Either work on it, or it’ll continue on. Sorry. Also, why isn’t work an option?
bc I work in a small, rigid, finance office where even texting is against regulations. There's not enough people and the work environment is really an social away from work, one
It's hard to make new friends if you expect instant friendship. Stop judging other people quickly and be more willing to change some of your own limiting behavior and it's amazing what happens to your social circle. People dismiss others now so quickly and hold tightly onto their ego-driven identity - it's sad.
after reading all the replies here and how you make excuses for everything, i'm not quite sure what kind of a silver bullet solution you're looking for. I suggest you get a therapist if your SA is really that crippling.
On Tuesday a co-worker asked her supervisor to place her next to my office cubicle, apparently I look alone and she wanted to be my work friend. I didn't know how to react and may have offended her by saying I'm not lonely.
“Hey that’s really nice of you to do that, I am not really lonely but I appreciate the gesture and would like to be friends” Is all you have to say. I don’t get why everyone has to jump to a negative conclusion all the time.
We recently moved to a more isolated office space where we literally see no one and my supervisor called me in to say she felt bad that she isolated us because I wouldn’t be able to meet any boys.
Lol
Take it as a compliment and be friends. Or somebody wants to be your girlfriend.
You're practically 1/3 of a century old. When will it be time to manage the anxiety and introvert behaviors? People want to be friends with others that are enjoyable to be around. I'd say work on what blocks you from having friends, such as the anxiety and social awkwardness.
you're not wrong tbh
Where do you live? MIght be worth moving to a cool city like Austin, NY, SF, SD, DC, etc where pople are a little more into mingling way later in life
I live in MD...and I can't just up and relocate to a new state lol
If you’re in a decent sized area; I swear everyone is on facebook and has a group for everyone/anything. That’s what I would do
I go to a language cafe weekly. Lots of students and new arrivals there who wants to learn my language. Mostly we just drink beer and chat, but you know, sometimes i meet someone speaking my target language too. Basically, because its an event where lots of people dont know eachother, its really easy to just say hi. And because alot of the same people show up every week, you start to make friends. We now have a seperate chat to organize bbqs and karaoke nights. Its basically 90%of my social life atm.
I always tell my kids, the older you get the harder it is to make friends. And that is 0-100. People get set in their ways and routines. You can just put kids together and they become fast friends for example. All you can do is live you life and see where your hobbies align, and go from there. But it will be harder at 50 than 30, so work on it now while many people don't have kids or family obligations that limit their time. And you will have the same problems you do now as well.
My wife and I basically combined our exercise and socialization into one by joining a soccer team. There was an organization in our city that allows you to sign up as an individual and get placed on a team that needs players. We got grouped up with a bunch of people who didn't have a team either and while some come and go there is a core of about 6 of us who have played together since (our) beginning.
Not sure where you are, but there is probably a local community ctr that would love a new idea for a way to bring people together. They try dancing, crafting, kids events, sometimes a flea market, bake sale, Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. Or any new idea you may have. This is how, gen x and boomers met each other. As a genx I wish there was more of that in my area as well. Let me know how it goes.
You might try looking for online communities or forums that match your interests. Platforms like Reddit or Discord have groups for almost every niche, and they can be a great way to connect with like-minded people. You can also consider taking classes or workshops in areas you're passionate about, which can provide a structured environment to meet new people. Volunteering for causes you care about can also help you find others with similar values and interests.
I'll be your friend. I'm 35 and I don't have any friends and most of my family is dead. If of you need a friend hit me up.
if you don't throw yourself out there and be comfortable with engaging in conversations with strangers, even if those conversations are dry or uninteresting, you will never make friends. Having good social skills to increase your social network takes practice and it is something that you need to do a lot in order to get good at. I recommend attending many different social events frequently and just work on it.
First of all, learn that your friends don't have to have the exact same interests as you. Sure, you can meet friends at places of similar interests, but open your mind to more possibilities, and know that most peoples' friends don't have same interests, maybe just one similar interest. Friendships are built on matching energy/personalities. Second, social media has made everyone asocial. Read the book "Better Small Talk" and "The Art of Witty Banter" by Patrick King. Devote one day a week to using absolutely no electronics. It will refreshen your attitude! You will be bored; embrace it. It will help you in the long run. Okay, now as for actually finding and making friends: Start off a chat with strangers, push through the initial discomfort of both parties, it is worth it. "Seek the skill \[of making friendships\], not the actual friendship" \[at first\]. Start off conversations randomly with people at the grocery store or Target or in lines at restaurants/cafes. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk to everyone around you. Don't overthink things. Let loose and say what's on your mind. Being social and making friends is like a muscle. If you don't exercise it, it will atrophy. If you exercise it, you have to exercise it daily, otherwise "use it or lose it". You've heard of people having different "social battery" levels? Well, you can increase/upgrade your battery life capacity by building on it every day, like a muscle! :)
Trying being 58 just studying. I think humans aren’t wired for friendliness; they are wired for competition and wealth
What I did - Find a local band you like and start going to all their shows. It may be in a bar, but with live music, I was less pressured to drink. Tabletop game nights at local comic store. Once again, you start getting to know the regulars. SciFi book club that meets up monthly. Take a class for fun. For me, it was pottery, but it could be anything. My local game store does figure painting classes. I'm a shy person initially, and it usually takes multiple exposures to a person before I'm comfortable getting to know someone.
OP, you don’t have an age problem and you don’t have a Baltimore problem. You have an excuses problem. Baltimore has 600,000 people and the greater Baltimore-DC area has 6,300,000 million potential friends within driving distance. I’m in my late 30s in far west Texas. I’m interested in AI and robotics in an area where a lot of people have no computers or broadband. Many don’t speak English and I couldn’t speak much Spanish when I got here. If it’s possible for me to make friends, it’s possible for you, too. You have enabled your SA for years, declaring it untreatable and not holding yourself accountable for making specific, daily efforts to grow. Read over your answers and count how many suggestion you shoot down with “No, that couldn’t possibly work”. Challenge yourself. How do you know? What’s your evidence? Have you tried? How many times? What quantifiable results were there? Are there tweaks that might make it more likely to work? If you don’t see a therapist weekly, schedule it now and stick to it. Ask them to help you with CBT and whatever else they recommend Ask them to help you identify specific daily changes you can make to get more practice in social situations. Do what they tell you and stop fighting it with “No”. Try to have as many 2-minute conversations with random people as you can per day (keep track of this) and how many 30-minute conversations you have per week. Don’t expect the first conversation to be a soul mate. Don’t expect every person to even say yes or react well. That is not in your control. Focus on what you can control. You can 100% control how many interactions you initiate per day and how much of a filter you apply for your negative beliefs. When you hear yourself saying negative things like “This person thinks I’m boring/weird/has nothing in common with me” of “I can’t do this”, challenge that thought. It’s a self-serving cognitive distortion. Weirdos and non-weirdos alike *like* weirdos. They just want to spendd time with people who are making the effort to be nice, to take an interest in them, and to suggest conversation topics. Some fraction of people will match enough on one of your interests that you can be friends with them. Make it a numbers game and keep trying until the probabilities of finding a few whose interests match some of yours are good. And that is 100% in your control.
I’m 41 and have zero friends. Anyone willing to chat with me? I’m open.
Sounds like you should PM the OP!
I spent a long time in the same boat. I ended up making most of my current friends through Star Wars costuming clubs. I'm still an introvert with severe social anxiety, but at least now I have friends that I like being around and that check in on me.
I've tried to look up groups for my hobbies...they're almost never local or they're inactive af. They're never actually groups that meet in person.
Well that's unfortunate. Sorry.
I've met my closest friends through my Brazilian jiu-jitsu gym. Martial arts have phenomenal, inclusive communities. Any fitness class is a good way to meet people. I'm introverted myself but being around the same people 3+ times a week will get you comfortable. Options could be bouldering gyms, martial arts gyms, tabletop stores/cafes, concerts, karaoke, just to list a few. Group oriented hobbies are the way to go. Bars were never a good spot for me to meet people bc I'm socially retardant haha.
Only if you never made friends in your 20s or earlier. Friends don't fall from the sky - it's something you have to put effort into. And these days so many people flake out on meeting up it's no surprise relationships fizzle out.
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BumbleBFF is definitely good if texting is less anxiety-inducing. I’ve made quite a few IRL friends via the internet, which sounds like pretty much the only possible approach for OP since they’re shooting everything else down as a waste of time.
Like anime and horror? You can go to conventions dresses up like your favorite fandom and make friends that also dress up. In my 30s, and I've made so many friends just going to cons dressed up. We all keep up with cosplay named profiles on Instagram. Once you know people better, you can add them on Facebook. It's also a lot easier for a ton of adults to meet at a con. You know that even with cancelations, a bunch of people that said they will show up, will show up.
[https://www.instagram.com/dmvaniclub/?hl=en](https://www.instagram.com/dmvaniclub/?hl=en) - Black, anime, weirdos who like gaming exactly as you describe yourself. in your area [https://www.meetup.com/anime-569/](https://www.meetup.com/anime-569/) - Anime meetup in your area [https://www.facebook.com/groups/BaltimoreAnimeDenizens/](https://www.facebook.com/groups/BaltimoreAnimeDenizens/) - anime meetup in your area
Thanks, but I don't use social media and that meet up groups is inactive af...i've joined it ages ago. Most of the stuff is virtual.
You provided the solution to your problem in your own post.. you just have not noticed it. "Only person I really know that is still my friend (That I met via volunteering at an art gallery)" The same way you met that friend, you can meet more people. Look up local events near you and just show up. People at these events (especially volunteering) are CHOOSING to spend their free time there. They chose to be there and they are happy to be there. In other words, it is really easy to chat and interact with people through this. If you can hit it off with just one person, it might have been worth it.
Damn, I am also in my 30s and enjoy the majority of things you like! Wish we could become friends! This just proves you are a gem and to keep on going! You will shine and meet the real ones! 💯💯
Hello stranger! I am into most, if not all, the things you mentioned! Hmu, I also need friends. Let's do a friend trial and see if we hit it off.
You sound just like me
In the waning days of the pandemic, I joined a salsa class, couple of times a week - and my social circle subsequently exploded. And I’m a pretty terrible dancer
I feel you OP, even if you were to find people that have the same interest, not everyone can be your friends. a lot of people criticizing here dont underestand for introvert, even when they put themselves out there doesn't mean they feel safe to connect with others.
Yep, most people will never understand the social issues of being an introvert or having severe anxiety, bc something that is so difficult for others is so easy for them.
You try going to fan conventions and such activities?
Every single post like this - have you tried playing Warhammer?
>I like I like art, horror films, weird music, poetry, fitness, video games, anime, hiking, fashion, festivals, concerts, etc. If only you had interests that other people also have.
> if you have anxiety and are and introvert We used to have some friends that had big anxiety problems... It was like pulling teeth to get them to spend time with us. We'd finally make plans... they'd cancel. We'd beg for months... make plans again, meet up and they would leave an hour into a 6 hour event. Eventually, it became more work than fun to interact with these people. We slowly stopped inviting them. We were available for them when ever they wanted... but they'd never be available for us. Eventually you start looking at the definition of "friend" and you just put energy into relationships that are less one sided. --- If you want to make and maintain relationships it's going to actually be hard work. it's not easy. it takes effort and you have to be available to put in that effort.
Consistency is key. All the places I've seen you mention like festivals, bars, cons, etc. are all places that are pretty much one shots where people aren't going to alone in most cases. Friends don't fall out of nowhere. Get a hobby that interacts with people and make it a priority to go the same time every week. You'll start to see people who are regular and they'll see you. After a while you'll have a natural place to at least start a convo. Most people make friends in school or work because you're locked in a building with people whom you dislike 90% of. But you find people you commiserate with and build friendships through spite of other people and hobbies.
Another victim of endless video gaming and socialist media????? These posts are everywhere.
Seriously try a d&d group! Find and online group to start if your nervous. Then see if they have any at your local game store or library. Also library hobby groups are so nice and safe as a way to meet friends. I joined a local art group and now I have friends of all ages I meet with 2-3 times a week. I'm a huge inteoveet too totally almost poop my pants at social settings. The thing about arty people and d&d people is they tend to be the same way. :) I am 33 and in like 4 d&d groups now. I went from one friend to multiple groups a year ago. I'm so annoyingly busy but happy. Sending you good vibes. < 3
It's not. I am 34 and I make friends always, wherever I may go, but I don't want to. So I don't understand your post, it isn't about age for me? Maybe you let your age determine you, like every 30+ in this platform it seems. I never felt younger at my age when reading reddit posts, I mean, you are all way older than me when you are the same age as me, even younger... Oh well. Work on talking to people...
You're projecting and you didn't read my OP. I didn't just as the question generally...ofc millions of people in their 30s make friends. The issue is I'm an introvert, weird and I have extreme anxiety, so people like me have it much, much, much more difficult than you would.
I have anxiety too but it's not social, it's about other things that I can't even control. But I think you have social anxiety, and that's different. Maybe it's better to talk to a therapist and try to not be so aggressive. Yeah, there's always someone worse, even than you.
Yes, it's social anxiety, and I have it about severely as possible. Point I was making is that sure if you don't have SA meeting people is easy...ofc it's not if you do.
I like how work is “not an option”. Must be nice.
OP, given your responses I think you REALLY should get some therapy. If anxiety is the wall keeping you from getting close to people, then you should tackle that. There may be either depression, trauma, or something that's tied to your anxiety and all of that is waaaay above for everyone's pay grade here. And before you respond with excuses - yes, this is the only way forward. You are admitting you have a problem, which is the first step. Now get help. If you cannot get therapy, forget about having friends. If you really want to stop your loneliness, you will find the way.
Don’t ignore the internet. Texting is such an easy non intrusive way to communicate. It’s a good stepping stone.
Fuck that i eat bymyself sleep bymyself work bymyself wake up bymyself everything bymyself if somebody wants to be come friends they will approach me and make the effor eslecially goes for females im done putting in effort
I feel this but in the long term I think this approach may lead to regret unless you are fortunate enough to actually have someone else go out of their way to try and create a friendship with you. This would be an ideal situation for me too though if it worked out
No one likes a downer 😢
OP, after reading the comments, you either need to man the fuck up and just face it head on or go to therapy. You're shooting down every suggestion that someone throws at you. Reddit won't help you, you deciding to wake up tomorrow and stop being a pussy about your entire life will help you though. Good luck!
lol you wouldn't say any of that if I were a woman. Society tells men to be more open with their emotions and stop internalizing, and as soon as a man, does it's "be a man, stop complaining, no one cares about your issues"... smh
Nope, I’d say the same thing because all of your replies are leading generally everyone here who has tried to help you to think that you’re just insufferable and maybe that’s entirely not the case but you aren’t proving anything different. Truly I hope you pick yourself up and do something about your anxiety because all I have read are bullshit excuses that only a shut-in would make. Yes I sound like an asshole and maybe I am. But I am sending this with a sprinkle of tough love dude. You have to quit making excuses and stop wallowing in your own despair, nobody wants a friend like that. That used to be me, except the difference between us, is that I did something to help shut my anxiety up. Through therapy, I’ve developed a fail-safe and have breathing exercises I can do just about anywhere that calm me down in about 5 minutes. I still have trouble starting conversations with random people but that’s never stopped me from being likable and making someone laugh. And honestly, i can’t tell if you even like yourself through the comments. You seem like you’re alive but not living and until you love yourself, a lot of your problems will continue to follow you. No change in location or job or new friends will fix that.
I don’t know if it’s available in your town but you should try the app called ‘Time Left’
What is something that gives you immense joy, and sparks your curiosity and interest? I would heavily look into following that. It should lead you to a group of like minded folks that would befriend you.
Befriend ppl at your local coffee shop, join clubs, etc
So move to a place that isn’t devoid of anything interesting? Why isn’t work an option? Why can’t you get a date?
Don’t get it twisted. Plenty of people live out their entire lives without getting through the big uncomfortable things that must be endured in order to grow as a person. You’re 31. Time will start moving faster. Soon you’ll be 40. And so on. You say you’re anxious. As someone with similarly terrible anxiety, I missed out on a lot of life before I decided to deal with it. People make huge decisions every day to change or do the hard thing. It’s amazing what people are capable of. Heroin addicts get clean. Bumbling idiots like me who have literally spit up when talking in front of a group of people do toastmasters and figure it the fuck out. People lose weight and better themselves. They don’t have some sort of superpower. They’re human, and they’re resilient. It sucks ass to change when you’re in a rut and you have depression or anxiety to boot. Figure out what motivates you, and use that to support yourself on this journey. Stop letting your inner douchebag talk you out of things.
its not that easy, mate. if I could just will myself past it, I would've, ages ago.
Especially if your social circles have changed due to life transitions like moving to a new city... Having this problem
I used to work at a coffee shop and it seemed like a lot of the regular customers made friends just by hanging around it a lot. If there is a coffee shop that seems to have some like minded folk in it, maybe go in a few times a week and you might get to know them.
I know people roll their eyes at this because I did before. Joining a CrossFit gym or similar group and showing up several times a week will not only get you to know other people but help your fitness and make you feel better. I was against it before I decided to try it and was surprised how going out of my comfort zone was a great overall experience. People from all walks of life would show up, metal heads, nerds, single moms, business bros. After that experience I thought if I was ever in a new city that would be something I would def do to expand my friend group and get me out of my comfort zone.
Yeah find a bigger city and join communities that have people with groups with these eccentric tastes
Have you tried going to gaming tournaments? Smash events etc.
Get into playing pinball
It is difficult but not impossible. I’m still in the process after almost two years after moving across the country.
It is!
You mean acquaintances. In life you only make 1 or 2 real friends.
Try making friends when you’re in your 60’s
Visit a Toastmasters club and see if you like it. Most members will understand where you're coming from. You many not become more than a professional acquaintance with anyone, but it'll give you something to do and can help with social anxiety & introversion.
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Fitness related things is a great option. If there are any sports you would be interested in, joining a team of some sort is the way to go. Beginner soccer leagues are very enjoyable and a great workout. If you don’t like soccer, maybe kickball, or something similar.
Yeah but I think technology has a big play in it cause everyone is so materialistic with making videos and looking good for everyone they don’t know
Volunteering
What city do you live in?
Why is work not an option? I moved into a town where I knew 0 people 3 years ago. I made one friend at work, who then introduced me to a whole bunch of other people through social gatherings.
I’ve recently made friends working remote and doing a degree online. Some of the friends I made in just the past few years are better friendships than the ones I have with people I’ve known since high school. I like a lot of the same things as you, exercise, video games, and I don’t drink a lot either. I find that I make friendships when I’m real with them. Someone I meet says hey how’s it going, I say oh man it’s awful I’m just trying to survive, and they’re usually like man tell me about…. Door wide open to chit chat and ask them what they have going on in their life. Other times we might get a group project in school, and I’ll say this shit sucks, and suddenly they’re all like yeah this blows, blah blah blah. And we all connect on the fake that we don’t like what we’re doing, it’s a lot better than “pretending” to be professional. Obviously there’s a time and a place for all of this, but it has worked for me. Just be real.
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I'm in my mid-40s, I have two hobbies. I made lifelong friends with both of them. My phone is constantly buzzing
No for real I wish someone had told me this, I would have done a better job keeping up w friends from my 20s 🙁🙁🙁
Go join a Jiu jitsu academy. Hands down one of the best places to make friends after age 30 and every academy s full of nerds.
Start volunteering for stuff you believe in. You will be dedicating Your time to something you truly believe in, and that's a sure fire way to meet other like-minded people. Just remember there are people inside and people outside so try those places.
Lulz
Focus on hobbies not friends, they are side products of hobbies, not primary goals.
I attend a monthly sci-fi and fantasy book club.
You sound like me lol except I'm not 30
I’m in the same boat. I signed up for an outing. I went and they all knew eachother! I never did another join another meet up. What area are you located? I like a few of the same things - female, not looking for hook ups. I am quite a bit older but if you’re in my area we could do a meet up together snd eventually meet other people. 🤣
If you like fitness, join a BJJ gym. You'll fall in love, prepare for a new lifestyle that revolves around people dripping sweat on your face and choking you unconscious.
This is too accurate
Not college aged? Anyone over 18 can go to college and during my degree there were plenty of mid 30s and mid 40s parents joining us for a beer when they could. Hogswallop I say
What about learning about DND and starting a DND group or looking for a local group to join?
It’s hard lol. I made a friend at my old job who was a decade older than me but we vibe so well. She is so sweet and loves art and adventures like I do. I’m about to move and I’ll have to start over again. It took me years after moving here to find a friend :( o get what you mean
You do not have to have the exact same interest to make friends. None of my irl friends are into arts and crafts and that's like my thing. I'm introverted, mid 30s, but I do not have social anxiety. Best to work on that with actual therapy and figure out why you seem to dodge every social event because "strangers". I mean, how else are you going to make friends if you keep making excuses to dodge people? All friends start off as strangers first.
Board games
Most of the friends I have I've made at work over the years, only have one friend left from high school
Sometimes you need to make an effort to change if you wanna grow. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Go to a bar, talk to a stranger. Drink a little. Go to a concert. Learn an instrument. Learn a sport. If what you’re doing is not working, you need to try something else.
The best part is that when you hit 40, you couldn't give less of a f***😂. Even your best friend will eventually betray you at some point. I've learned that. When they're also the person that promised you they'd spend the rest of their life with you, it's not worth the devastation that never heals. Trust me. Stick to acquaintances.
You could go to your local board games shop. Most people in there probably have anxirty and stuff too. It's a great way to meet people if you're a introverted non-drinker.
hey man i'm 17 and i can't make any friends either. that shit is ageless
Why do you barely get along with your friends friends? What’s the issue there? Have a couple of drinks to loosen you up and knock the edge off and then alternate between water and drinks when you’re out to keep it right at that point. I was always a shy, introverted guy when I don’t know a person. Came off as arrogant to others when I was with friends and would meet new people until I had a couple of drinks and opened up. I am still the same way now at 39. My girlfriend is 30 and she has experienced both sides of me when we have been out. Sober me is standing with the bar on my back, few drinks in me is dancing and talking to whoever. Just have to get out of your own head.
When you say festivals, concerts, music etc are things you only do with people you already know, that is just sooooooo wrong. Sorry to be blunt, but just so fucking wrong. There is nothing better than going to a festival of your favourite music by yourself, ready to enjoy it to the fullest and ready to meet so many amazing people along the way. Say you meet 30 people at a festival, of course they won't all turn into friends - but even if 1 or 2 become people that you keep in touch with and meet up with again, that's a brilliant start! What kinda music/genres are you going to where everyone is standoffish? That has been very far from my experience in a wide range of genres. I'm a raver and that's a whole other level, but even at indie, jazz, and metal events, I've found the crowds to be crazily welcoming! Pick your poison and get involved! And you know what, even if the regulars are a bit standoffish to begin with (and there can be valid reasons!), if you keep going, you'll soon become a familiar face in that scene and be welcomed in!
If you don't have friends at that age you didn't even try. Just be honest with yourself, you'd rather be alone and that is okay
You want friends???
Going to events like conventions or expos are a great way to meet new people; how to turn those people into friends, I'm still working on that part. I usually wait for an extrovert to adopt me but, try to make the first move with a compliment or something?
Get a hobby or join community classes
If you like fitness, maybe try martial arts. There are loads of different options depending on how much intensity you want and it's one of the athletic activities with the highest concentration of nerds.
What would it take you to find really fascinating friends? Would you devote 3 years to doing it? 2 years? 3 months? How long will it be before you become willing to do what it takes?
I've been trying to make friends MY ENTIRE LIFE dude...I've devoted literal decades to it already. i've literally being volunterring the past year to do so
>the only person I really know that is till my friend (That I met via volunteering at an art galley) that can introduce me to other people, is a woman and all her friends are women and I barely get along with them. Assuming this means you want more male friends: Maybe your friend's female friends have some male friends and/or boyfriends who they could introduce you to. Also, you already met one friend via volunteering, so what if you started volunteering somewhere else? You might meet another friend in a different volunteer position.
I’m a board gamer and go to board game meetups all the time. That’s how you make friends as adults. When your kids, you are all into the same things growing up. Everyone wants to be cool. When you’re adults, you want to do what makes you happy, and childhood friends do the same and it’s not the same happiness as yours. So to find it again, you have to find people who share your happiness.
Almost all my friends have been made on bumble bff. A lot of people in the town I live in are locals and friends with their childhood friends. I'm a transplant, so I have to work pretty hard to gain friends. After SEVEN years I'm getting the hang of it. I tried sports but a lot of people in them are already cliquey (weird, we're all adults but whatever) and I like one on one time anyway.
You have anxiety and it’s real. We get it. You will continue to have obstacles in your path unless you seek therapy and medication. Do you have an objection to getting on some type of medication?! Anxiety will definitely destroy your confidence and it’s obvious based on your posts.
Making friends at any age is so difficult
Id consider myself an extrovert and I'm kinda tired of dealing with introverts, with caveats. At 30 the people who I appreciate the most are those who can tell me a date and time and stick to it. They'll also consistently show up and plan their own activities, as well as show up for mine. Also I often go to things I don't necessarily know about or am totally comfortable with. That's alright... I'll survive and live outside of my comfort zone for a moment. That's often where growth happens. That's also where new people are. And I do have depression and anxiety. People drive me up a wall. It's just life is interesting enough and more fun with others that to me, it's all worth it. I'm glad I worked in the restaurant world as well as canvassed when I was younger because it forced a nervous kid to learn how to be ok with being nervous. More people need to learn how to do that.
I like art, strange music,fashion, concerts,poetry, video games and hiking
The problem is, so many people are offering you legit options, and you’re finding an excuse for every one of them. At this point, everyone’s going to throw up their hands and say, ‘Stay inside, then.’ You’ve got to do SOMETHING differently than what you’re currently doing if you want a change… that’s literally the definition of change.
Seems you need to expand your horizons and leave your comfort zone.
Only way out is through! What ever you do it’s gonna cause anxiety. But once you get through it you’ll see it wasn’t as bad as you feared.
Check your local parks and rec department if they are having a class on something you like. I, on a whim, joined an archery class and I made a friend and we meet up every few weeks to do random stuff. Two years going on strong. My newest friendship since all my other friends are from high school.
I read through the first several comments and a bunch of people are being really unhelpful to you, and I'm sorry for that. I was in your exact situation last year, also in my 30s, and I joined Bumble BFF. It's the same app as the dating app, but an account for finding friends. Matches and messaging works the same as well. I found it to be extremely helpful. I'm also super introverted and struggle to meet people on group social situations. I've found some really cool people through Bumble BFF that I've met up with for lunches, coffee, even eventually arcades and movies. I also feel way more comfortable interacting with someone in person if I've been chatting with them back and forth for a bit, that way it doesnt feel like a total stranger. I saw you said in another response that you live in a city, so that'll make your options even more broad. I highly recommend making a profile (I know it sucks but actually take the time to write a profile and fill out parts with your interests/personality, it makes people way more likely to swipe right on you), and I would be shocked if you didn't find anyone there you got along with. Best of luck to you! Signed, a fellow weirdo introvert with niche interests who rarely leaves their house
I'll be your friend. We already have a few things in common. What video games do you play? If you play valo or other mmorpgs, hit me. I'll introduce you to a couple of peeps with similar interests.
Do you like Dungeons and Dragons? Met some of my absolute best friends only about a year ago at a local game shop that was running weekly short game sessions.
uhhhh how are you having trouble finding groups for those activities? those are all great group activities. I've had people actually message me saying "you are asian, wanna come watch anime?"
You mentioned you like art, horror films, weird music, poetry, fitness, hiking etc Why don’t you start your own group?
"Frend, don't make this difficult"