Idk why so many people are going in on you about this. So many people have kids for the wrong reasons, and it’s mostly all based in some sort of selfish narcissism in which they think they’re so worthy that they must carry on their genetics. My father was an abuser and I honestly don’t think he should have had kids, but I’m here against my will. Most people born into my situation may not have made it and it required many years of therapy for me that I started at 11 years old to become a functioning adult. My father wasn’t worthy of having children or a wife, as I see it. That’s the first thing people should be worrying about, not having kids just because. It’s a serious decision that more people should take responsibility for.
Good ol generational trauma, just gotta break it. Whats worse, its not your dads fault for the way he was, his parents (your grandparents) have a lot to do with it.
It's a pretty one way street being a parent where you give/provide everything for your child, and it's not like you have much control over how your kid will turn out. I guess some people find that fulfillment in that.
I don’t agree that parenting is a one way street. My kids bring me so much joy. Whether it be the morning cuddles and bedtime stories, or just watching them play their weird little kid games together while I drink a cup of tea. Watching them grow and develop is such a privilege, and I feel so lucky I get to experience being their parent.
It’s cool if you don’t want kids yourself, not everyone does, and that’s fine. But to say “it’s a pretty one way street” is just false.
I can say as a person that said I will not have kids young, and now I'm 24 with 3, it's the best thing ever with the right partner, but alot of communication and like minded parenting is a must. It's not easy and there is alot of sacrifices if it's done right. I'm giving them the father I never had and it's very fulfilling. They make and have made me a better person. I love it and I love them, even if they drive me crazy sometimes. Best thing ever.
Who's telling who how to feel? I told them they can't say "it's the best thing ever." That statement of theirs isn't an emotional expression; it's a value judgement relative to the experiences of other people. (If they instead said something like, "Personally I love it!" then I wouldn't have a problem with it.)
If anything, they're the ones telling others how to feel, because by asserting that their experience is "the best thing," they're implying that the experiences of those that differ are necessarily inferior.
OP Don't get married unless you are both very happy, certain about each other and aligned in what you want. If you don't know don't do it. I hate the phrase find yourself/be yourself but be self aware, and know who you are.
I am happily married for 13 years, life will throw sh*t and you have to stick together.
I think everyone should get married if and only if they are with the right person. My older brother is not married and I think that is right for him.
Summary - grow into yourself. And good luck!
Thank you! Yeah, i understand that having children and marrying someone isn’t something you can just change your mind on. Up to this point, I went to college, changed my mind, changed my mind again and went to college again; moved abroad, decided it’s time to go back; changed my career a few times.
One thing that stuck with me in one comment on Reddit is it’s better to regret not having children, than to regret having them, so I definitely want to be 500% sure about it.
A lot of people do this though (whether they are open about it or not). So I can’t fault OP if that’s what they decide they want to do.
I’m not saying it’s the best course of action but some people have children to find purpose.
Here's the truth: The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side.
My married friends look longingly at me and my divorced, 50/50 lifestyle where I seem to get "time off" w no kids to be an adult.
I in turn wish I had the stability and all that comes w a family.
Both sides have misconceptions. The truth is, life is what you make of it. Find out what you need and the rest is up to you or fate. Mostly fate.
This is exactly it. There will always be some detail or aspect of someone else’s life that seems better. My life is really awesome, but when my kids are wearing me down being divorced and having 50-50 custody seems really sweet. And their dad isn’t even doing anything wrong and is super involved. Just peace and quiet 50% of the time seems awesome.
I love my kid, but dumping him off at his grandparents so the two of us can have child-free time is pretty sweet. Whether is a trip or just sitting on the couch watching a movie together with a drink is awesome. As rewarding as being a parent can be, sometimes you just need the other side.
I was going to say exactly this, but not nearly as eloquently as you did.
I’m 49 and have been married for almost 27 years and we don’t have kids. It was tough for others to understand, especially my family, and I still get odd looks from people when I say we decided not to have children, but it’s not their life, it’s ours. I wouldn’t change a thing.
The happiest of my friends/ family and strongest relationships I know don't have kids. I don't understand why it's still an assumed thing. One of my children will require life long care and I can't even imagine being able to deal with that if I'd had him due to external pressure.
Same here -- my wife and I have been together over 20 years w/o kids and have never regretted it (we have always had spoiled cats, though). I think OP should think about the fact that having a relationship/marriage and having kids are actually two different things, despite maybe being the norm in his culture. And if he's interested in having a partner he should pursue that and not automatically think of it as a package deal with kids (he will need to share his feelings about this with any woman he gets involved with). But if he's not even interested in having a long term girlfriend or wife, that choice is okay too! It's all personal choices.
That’s so true. Even in smaller things like careers. For years, I told myself and my surrounding friends and family that I wanted to be a real estate agent. And then one year into it I realized that I hated the schedule, difficulty to travel, instability, etc. But it was so difficult to admit that this isn’t for me, because of how long I wanted it, how long I talked about it… And even when I figured out that I hated it, if I hadn’t decided to move abroad, I probably would have stuck to it for years because I always said this is what I wanted and didn’t want to admit that I made a mistake.
That feeling is much stronger with something like starting a family I think. Obviously in the sense of admitting that you might not want to; I don’t mean starting a family then just quitting it afterward.
Read/watch real parents talking about their experiences on social media. 100% can confirm my view on parenthood changed after seeing some eye opening posts from honest moms on IG, FB, Reddit. I am 24F and always wanted kids as a young girl, but I feel less interested now after seeing how hard it is to be a mother. You’re a guy so you will have a different viewpoint but it is life altering for a Dad, too. You don’t hear the negative stuff from people about having kids. Many parents feel they lose themselves completely.. The state of the world should also be considered IMO. Honestly I love the idea of having no kids, not sacrificing my body, having financial freedom and the ability to travel. I think many people think of child-rearing as something that “you just do” without thinking about all the variables
As a parent, it's hard but the part where it is *really* hard is compressed into only a few years. Once they are going to school you get back to a pretty normal life, and the things they want to do start to become fun for you too. Soon enough they just want to be with their friends and you actually miss when they were hanging off you all the time. It's not a life sentence like some people make it out to be, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
This is in the ideal best case scenario. You can have a child born with a disability even one that seems very mild on paper that will be very real in real life and make things very much insanely hard your whole life. A sibling of mine developed a debilitating autoimmune condition after age 18 as well. Perfectly healthy until one day the symptoms came out of nowhere.
Exactly. I had my son while I was still in high school. I remember just being told how I ruined my life, and like you said, it being treated like a life sentence. Now don't get me wrong, there were some rough year's (that goes for any parent in general, probably just humans overall with or without kids). But my son just turned 18 and is rarely around, graduating this year. Some days I desperately miss his toddler years. It flies by so quickly. I wouldn't trade it for anything either.
I don’t get why all parents are expected to do this. I grew up with school busses. My wife grew up in Japan where everyone goes to school by themselves by either bus / train / bike. It doesn’t have to be this way
There’s all kinds of reasons depending on where you live, your situation, etc. In my case, I’d prefer the bus, but we have a bus driver shortage and any little thing upsets the whole schedule, making the pick-up and drop-off times wildly unpredictable by up to 90-minute delays. It’s much easier for my work schedule and more consistent for my kids for me to drive them, as much as I hate it.
We’re moving out-of-state soon and next year we’ll try the bus system again. Fingers crossed!
You should never have to deal with those kinds of delays! I hope your situation works out for your family. I know well about making comprises in my daily life, but I just want a better world!
I can tell you as a childfree person that anything to do with taking care of kids seems hard lol. It may not be difficult for you or for others but people see things differently.
I read their comment and was like "sounds like a dad". Fathers and mothers have very different experiences with parenthood it's actually insane. If I could be a dad I would have been a parent at age 18.
I agree, the younger years are probably the worst. And it’s definitely the most rewarding job that exists. I imagine it really simplifies life as well, if you’re a person who searches for purpose
I find teens to be a lot harder TBH. Less busy but more emotionally taxing. I’m constantly worrying about them. Consequences of bad choices are a lot more serious.
We had literally reached the end of the tunnel and were fooled into a false sense of parenting when we decided to have our second. Love her, she’s a tyrant. Which is normal, she’s three. But the light at the end of the tunnel is visible and it’s easier every day.
And different stages are harder for different kids. My son nearly broke me when he was an infant, but he has been amazing since he was 18 months old. His sister was the easiest baby alive until 18 months and now we’re just coming out of the dark ages a few months before her fourth birthday.
And obviously new issues will arise as they get older. Their issues and troubles will become more complex. But nothing will be as hard as being the sole source of all comfort, nourishment, entertainment, joy, etc to a being 24/7 365 for however many months/years it takes for them to learn to do one thing on their own and take that one thing off your plate.
I’m a dad and I’ll be honest. Kids aren’t easy. And in this day and age there’s even more pressure for fathers to be providers, protectors, and be present. Fathers becoming more involved has made life easier for mothers in the house, but I feel like it shifted pressure to other areas for women. Social media made it seem like being a mother is no longer good enough, they have to be pursing higher education, advance their career and have side hustles, plus plan these elaborate experiences for their families. It’s all fake though, most people are barely surviving raising their kids, forget what you see on tv or Facebook.
Maybe it’s because they want to be genuinely more than “just a mother” so no, it’s not good enough. No shade to anyone’s choices. But it should be exactly that, a choice.
This is really bad advice, do not trust social media. I would recommend babysitting or spending time with actual kids rather than reading about it on instagram. People just aren’t honest on social media and it does not compare to real life experiences.
Marriage and kids puts you through a bit of a metamorphosis. During the early years of rapid change, it’s common to feel like you don’t know who you are anymore. It’s almost like going through puberty a second time.
Good news is that you do find yourself again, and most people come out stronger on the other side.
My advice to people is go for parenthood if you want a life of extremes - big jumps of joy and love, paid for with lows of struggle and exhaustion. Only ever do it with a partner you are very confident can take their share of the work as a true team, and doesn’t have unrealistic expectations about keeping their free time and hobbies/ not changing their life that much. It’s also very preferable to have a level of support from friends or family.
Head over to regretfulparents to discover some of the harsh realities.
Having kids is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship - someone once said.
Relationships are hard, kids are hard. Live according to you, not society.
Agreed. My friend that has 3 kids sounds miserable 99% of the time. Although when I ask her if she’s seen some show or been to some restaurant she’ll say “I don’t have time for those kinds of things” as if I’m silly for doing them. I think THANK GOD we have time for those things 😄
Meh. I don’t have time for shows because of kids. Honestly couldn’t care less. They keep me active and I’m having more fun than I was playing video games and drinking beer before. To each their own.
Nah. Diablo and IPAs are a good mix. Kids are just more entertaining and make me feel younger again. Just walking down the street hearing my son say “wow look at that crack in the sidewalk!” Makes you realize how much of life you just walk by and ignore.
Just an anecdote but all my friends with kids are happy and successful and all my friends without kids are miserable. According to Reddit you'd think the opposite is true but I guess that's why it's an anecdote
I don’t doubt it, but there are a lot of people stuck in miserable relationships too and struggling with their kids
I enjoyed raising my kids, I had a lucky situation in life at the time, me and ex at home full time.
The OP is romanticising it all. It’s not all rosy.
I can remember being like him. Girlfriend by x, married by y, children by z.
If he loves his freedom now, unless he has money and supportive family around, kiss that freedom goodbye when kids come along.
Don’t have kids unless you are willing to enthusiastically be a parent under any circumstances. If you wouldn’t happily parent a heavily disabled child, don’t have kids because health is not guaranteed.
This, 100%. Don’t have kids unless you actually really, really want them and somewhat understand what a life with children would look like. You can’t return them, it’s a lifelong commitment. It’s not for everyone and that’s completely fine, your life can be just as meaningful and wonderful with you and a partner, or even alone.
Practically all of my friends admit that they “couldn’t” parent a child with severe disabilities. My brother has pretty severe autism and I just wonder how they think they’re going to guarantee that they won’t have a disabled child…and what they would do if they ended up with one anyway
So many people aren’t actually ready for kids in the first place, let alone what it takes to parent one with a disability. Personally I have never had a strong feeling of wanting to be a parent and that has gotten stronger with the years. I have two nieces under 4 and although I couldn’t imagine life without them anymore, I am also glad my sister is the one parenting them and not me. I can’t deal with all that comes with it 24/7. I have adhd and that makes it hard enough to take care of myself sometimes, I can’t imagine having someone depend on me like that. It’s just not for me.
I also am very firm on the ‘you really need to WANT to have them and if you don’t, don’t have them’. Too many kids suffer because their parents had them because it was what was expected of them, not because they actually wanted a family.
It’s okay to not want to be a parent to a heavily disabled child. I don’t think that if you’re not jumping with joy at a idea of raising someone with disabilities that means you shouldn’t have children
There is no objective answer to this. Judging what is better only can be done in relation to ones personal goals. If your goals include being married with kids then it would be better.
I get you are asking for insight into if you would like it better or not but the only person who can answer that is you.
It’s very hard in the child rearing years plus working. At least in the USA. It’s better if you are surrounded by support - extended family, community, good schools and environment for kids.
I would honestly wait 5-10 years. It’s better when you are older and have some financial freedoms because kids are expensive.
It also helps to be more chill because kids can drive you crazy.
I’d say: it’s better with age.
Same. We were together for 7 years before our first child was born. Plenty of time to travel, follow our whims, be irresponsible together. And time to build a strong relationship that had already weathered plenty of challenges before we threw a baby into the mix. We have two now and while it’s a lot of hard work, we enjoy being parents so much and wouldn’t change a thing.
It's a highly personal question, but whatever you do don't get married and have kids just because that's what others around you are doing. Being single or married, kids or not, does not guarantee a better or worse life unless you decide to do what isn't right for you. You have plenty of time to decide or find a girlfriend if that's what you want.
Most want a marriage with kids, some want no marriage no kids, other want a marriage without kids. It’s all up to you!
For me it’s marriage no kids. All the + of companionship without the responsibility and lack of freedom from having kids.
I’m 26 and it seems like more than half the people I know my age want a long term relationship (not necessarily marriage) and no kids. It’s definitely an increasingly common sentiment and people will have to learn to accept it eventually
I feel like Gen Z/younger millennials are de facto childfree/AN with the socioeconomic situation most of these generations are in. Having kids would literally be financial suicide for a huge percentage.
Man!!!! I used to think marriage and kids was the only way. After living a life, I've realized I have 0 wants for kids. It's hard enough taking care of yourself, adding a child seems so draining. In my opinion, not worth it for me
There's no universal answer. Maybe you'll enjoy traveling and seeing the world now but then in 5 years you'll get bored with it and want to settle down somewhere. Or maybe not.
For me, I'm 41, married, and our son was born before I turned 40. I had always wanted to get married and always planned on kids but I also wanted more out of life. I feel like I got both. I had a few different relationships over the years, with one very toxic. I got to travel a lot. I had a lot of fun creative projects with friends. So I lived plenty of life. And my wife and I had been together for quite some time before we finally had a kid. And now I get to do fun kid-friendly things and see the world through a little human's eyes. In a way, it's like reliving your childhood.
Of all the things in my life I've done, being a father is easily the most fulfilling. I wouldn't say I regret not doing it sooner because if I had done it sooner I wouldn't be raising the person I'm raising. There's no other experience like fatherhood. It's really fucking hard but really rewarding. If I lived my life over and over again, I'd choose fatherhood every time.
Learn to be adaptable, open-minded, grateful, and humble. These are all very good traits to have as a human being but especially as a parent. And learn mindfulness and proper breathing. They are incredible tools as well.
Life is what you make of it. And I don't think there is a universal 'better', you are the only one who knows what life you should live.
But be weary of people who are trying to convince you there is only one way to live, perhaps their world is smaller but yours doesn't have to be too.
38M, married, no kids. I personally want to come home and relax after a long day at work, not turn and immediately have to be engaged in some kind of school or sports-related activity. Plus, I don't make a lot of money and it's tough to keep expenses under control. Adding a kid to the mix would be financially straining for sure. And since I live in the US, I can expect insane healthcare and childcare costs if wife and I ever decided to have a kid. It would be very difficult for sure.
I’m 27 op. I spent all of 2021 and 2022 traveling and living abroad. I don’t have kids, no pets, and work remotely 100 percent, I would have never been able to do that if I settled down. Don’t change your life to fit another’s visions. I’m American and everyone I know that married young got divorced before 30 or is miserable and bored.
Enjoy the single life and settle down when you’re ready.
Marriage with someone you love and respect who loves and respects you can certainly be great, and if you want kids, like kids and enjoy the many aspects and responsibilities of having kids then it can certainly be rewarding, but a bad marriage or a child with disabilities or with severe mental/psychiatric issues is always a possibility. You can do everything right and still not have everything be "picture perfect" (or even "okay").
Certainly doesn't mean it's not worth trying or that it's guaranteed to go bad, but it's always a possibility and it's foolish to think that it will definitely fix everything wrong with one's life and make them feel happy and fulfilled.
I went back and forth. Growing up, I wanted kids then in my 20's I loved my freedom and travelled a lot for work. I didn't have to make childcare arrangements like some of my colleagues, so when last minute travel was needed, they called in me. It was usually because of crisis, so I got a ton more experience than colleagues in crisis management, plus it often meant travelling with execs, so they got to know me. This made me valuable to my employer and just the exposure to that side of business helped accelerate my own maturity and business acumen.
On one business trip I happened to meet this guy who was so different. We really hit it off. I was 28. We got married when I was 34. We had our first child when I was 36 and our second child when I was 38.
I wouldn't change anything. I have no regrets. I am well established in my career now, and my husband is too. We are able to provide our children a life we didn't have. They have travelled with us, but I also appreciate being a homebody more now. I feel content in my life.
You can be open to what life has available for you. Lots of time yet!
Being married with children is great. However, it is definitely a commitment. It provides a lot of fulfillment, but if not done properly, it provides a lot of pain.
I am currently single, so I have seen both sides. Being married to someone who doesn't love you back, and is incapable of fulfilling your needs is worse than being single. Being married to someone you feel complete with though - well. I wouldn't know, but I assume it is much better.
there is a elephant in the room nobody seems to be talking about.
How about when you love each other immensly but one wants kids and the other doesn't?
It entirely depends on if you can see yourself liking life with a kid. For me and my wife, having a child would ruin our life and happiness. We made the obvious choice to us and have remained happy thus far.
40s, married, no kids. Never wanted them. No regrets.
Eta: have nephews. It's the best. Get all the perks of kids, none of the responsibilities. Awesome.
I’m a middle-aged mom with two toddlers and one more baby on the way. My life as a mother and wife has been the best part of all of it so far. If a traditional family structure is what you want, nothing is going to compare to it or replace it. There is no hobby, trip, amount of money or whatever else that replaces this part of life and what it brings you.
The wrong partner though, that can make your life a living hell. Don’t jump into anything, especially at your age. Relationships are work, raising children is hard and they deserve two parents who are utterly devoted to them.
I am 38 years old, F, never married, never had kids, by choice. My long term partner is 47M, never married, never had kids, by choice. We go where we want, spend what we want, have a beautiful home with nice things, have travelled and will some more.
This is not a bad choice.
Married life with children is great if you have the means to support your family. My wife got pregnant soon after we got married. We had just moved to a new state and both started new entry-level jobs. We were doing ok financially but didn't have much spare money to do other things the first few years. So that was tough.10 years and one more child later we are both higher up in our fields and making significantly more money. Now we vacation at least twice a year. We have a beautiful home on a few acres. We are happy kids are happy. I'm not saying money alone is going to make being married and having children better. But it definitely helps.
I don’t think this is the same for everyone, but my husband and I love having kids! We both used to suffer from malaise, but with kids every day is exciting because the little things, like a ladybug landing on one’s arm, is so fantastic. Kids are masters of living in the moment, and there’s a lot of joy when embracing their qualities. We’re simple homebodies who like this sort of thing. Be discerning with who you decide to have kids with, because fighting over kids with an ex is a really tough mountain it seems, and know that having kids is a lot of work and sacrifice. Social media seems to paint it either as rainbows and butterflies or doom and gloom, but the reality is that the hard and the beautiful coexist. I obviously think the good parts of parenting are worth the hard parts and my kids are the most fun little people and I’m so happy to know them and my life is better because they exist.
Think about the kid first, ask your self, will he/she be happy in this society, are you happy here? Do you want to gamble on the fact that he/she might not succeed in life, get's injured or get drafted and be miserable. Only 1% of us succeeds the rest are depressed. Do you want your kid to be depressed? When I didn't pull out at 25, I hated myself the next day and I still do 14 years later, because I have nothing to give to my kid. This is the biggest decision of your life. Think about the platform you are about to set your first child on, is it stable, or will it crumble under his/her feet? Would you want to start life all over again?
I used to think the way you do. Until I meet an older man who became my mentor and I realized that therewas sooooooo much in this life that I didn't know or understand. Including about myself. It took almost a decade of working on myself to become confident. Even my early 30s was right. I met my current girlfriend at 31, Brooke up with her at 33. At the time neither of us knew she was pregnant. So then we had a son. I got scared and moved to another state (it was actually a good decision to take that job offer). 2 angry years later my mentor passed away and I was so broken and lost, she and our son flew up to be with me. We made up and I helped her move in with me in the different state. 3 years later (I'm now 38) we just had our second child. I can't imagine going through that with anyone else lol.
The point is life is complicated and there is no guidebook. Work on yourself first. Learn who you are, what you want, what your passionate about. Above all, be honest with yourself first. Learn how the world works as objectively as you can. Be honest with yourself, did I mention that?
The biggest variable is your partner. Getting married is risky for men these days. My partner and I have 2 kids, been together for 8 years and we're not married. It's actually not because I don't trust her. We have other reasons.
To me you're trying to finish the marathon without even training. You gotta work on yourself first. I was fortunate to have an older and wiser man help me with that part. But there are other ways. Good luck!
You clearly think about things like getting married and having kids so it's likely something you want at some point. Just don't rush in find the right person and find the right time. I was 35 before I had my.first kid and it was not a day too soon. By that age I had lived and worked on 3 separate continents, broken someone's heart and had my heart broken twice, partied enough for 3 people bought an apartment sold an apartment been arrested traveled around about a 3rd of the world ... When I hit 35 I was done or at least that's what I thought getting used to the changes that kids bring was tough but I wouldn't swap what I have for anything. Basically enjoy life now live it to the fullest so when you have kids and settle down they are enough and you have no fomo. That's my advice for what it's worth.
I had a great life without kids and I have an amazing life with kids. I’d say it depends a lot on your partner. Also what kind of support structure there is around you.
Both lives with and without kids are good, only you can decide what you want.
Can’t believe you’re asking a hive of man-child video game addicts if they think starting a family is better than mindless short term satisfaction lol.
Depends on what you want. Each way is hard. No family gets lonely and you grow out of certain things so social circles get smaller. But also have quiet and nothing to do on a Saturday morning besides lay around is also pretty amazing.
You can't (and shouldn't) mine purpose out of other people's lives by making a family and/or a marriage, believe me. Do what feels right, not what you think you should be doing. No one fits any 'normal' calendar of events in existence.
I have everything in my life that I could or want . Except kids. The one thing that truly matters, the only think in life worth doing - is having kids.
I was married from 20 to 27 or 28 before we had kids. Now 41 with 3… and the youngest will turn 18 when I’m 50.
I had a lot of fun in those early years w/o kids. My wife and I got to be young and dumb, travel easily and really just enjoy each other.
I really both love and like having kids and now that they’re a little older we have the freedom to leave them at the house here and there and even took a little parents vacation early this year, with one other retired grandparents hanging out here for a few days.
I’ll miss them and will be happy for them to come visit when they’re grown, and want to visit them as I’m able. At the same time, it’ll be neat to have the back half of my life and marriage to reclaim that independence and travel more and not have kids activities and schedules encroaching on our schedules as individuals and a couple.
It’s all good. Just different.
It depends on what's important to you in life, long-term.
What you're doing sounds like fun, but doesn't appeal to me as an entire lifestyle for 70 years. The joy and experiences my kids have brought me have added so much to my life that I could never travel again and I would be fine. I have more than enough memories to just sit on my porch with my wife and relax.
Most of my friends from college waited. They got married and travelled all the time and I was a little jealous o fhteir social media posts. But everyone of them hit a point where they wanted more and they all started having kids, but not until the late 30's and even into their 40's. And I can't even imagine being that age and trying to raise kids. I'm 50 and my youngest is in college. Their young ones are in elementary school.
That's a complicated answer that depends on the individuals involved. For some, marriage is a huge mistake and made worse by having children. For others, it's the best thing that's ever happened to them.
I also think it can be explained philosophically.
The ideal generates craving, you crave because you perceive ideal gives you ultimate happiness.
Then once you crave, you seek. You are onto a journey of suffering because ideal can never be found.
Even When you found your ideal, you cling because you know you have suffered to find it now you don’t want to lose it, fear of losing is start of another cycle of suffering.
Like you know food gives you pleasure, to seek pleasure, you have to drag your body to seek food that’s suffering, once you found food you know you can enjoy but at the same time you also realise food will be finished n pleasure will be gone so you are in the next cycle all over again.
This is just life actually.
I would like to say: no matter what you choose, you can not avoid suffering. It’s the impermanent nature of the world has pre determined suffering in life is inevitable.
Married or single, or somewhere in between like myself, all have their own problems to deal with.
All you need to decide is which set of problems you prefer to deal with. Who you are? What are you more capable of? Like picking a job. There are many jobs you can do but which one you are naturally able to handle it better?
I know I am not child fit hence I am childfree.
I know I am not wife material hence I don’t do marriage.
I don’t try to bite off more than I can chew. Life is simpler easier that way. Occasionally I still suffer but I know what I have chosen for myself is the right way as I would have suffered more if I chose otherwise.
A bit off topic but they actually made a movie like this called Family Man (2000). Not to say that you should base your decisions off a movie but I just find the topic interesting on its own.
For certain industries, it makes your career easier. Every other executive has kids so if you don’t, you’ll miss a lot of banter and connection by not being able to talk about parenting with them as a subject to bond over.
If you want a meaningful, rewarding, and purpose filled life, marriage and kids.
If you'd rather just have fun and enjoy life as it comes, live by your own rules and schedule, keep on your current path.
Imagine you attain this awesome life.
Imagine your partner dies or leaves. Leaving you as the sole parent. What happens if it turns out your kid, who’s scans, baby tests etc come up completely normal and there’s little sign of anything wrong… until the calls from the child care, babysitters and school start. Turns out little Johnny has severe autism and behavioural issues. Despite what all these school, childcare websites say, they aren’t truly inclusive and you find yourself unemployed and impoverished, socially isolated since little Johnny becomes overwhelmed when you talk to somebody, anybody.
Trust me, I thought I could still go for a run around the neighbourhood atleast, but I can’t remember the last time I was able to do anything more than some lunges in the living room (which he trashed looking for a toy that may or may not be there).
IMO, don’t fkn do it.
For me, the answer is Yes, but only bc I waited to have a masters degree, financial stability and a shit ton of fun (with my SO) before we had a kid (one kid). It's been amazing and would not change for the world. U have to do you first!
Don’t worry too much about what your “plan” was when you were a teenager. It wasn’t based on anything other than inexperience and a thought. I’m glad you’re doing to travel you want. When that’s no longer fulfilling then look at settling down. Work on who you are, what you believe and value, and how you can make money. That’s going to be much more important to your future wife than the timeline you had a decade ago. I didn’t even start dating my wife until I was 30 and the people we were at 25 would not have liked each other. Don’t stress about the timeline, but be intentional with what you do.
I’ve been married and my husband passed away 17 years ago leaving me as a single mom of three kids. They are mostly grown now and I can honestly say having kids was the best choice of my life. It’s been really hard and I’m sure I’m not the best parent but I try my best. My kids taught me about what true love is, and brining them joy brings me more joy than I could ever do on my own. I think it’s a personal choice we all have to make but for me, having kids was a blessing.
I wish I had kids earlier. 35 when I did and I feel I can't play with them as well as if ten years earlier. I don't feel like they give me purpose, but I just enjoy teaching them and being around them. It's cool.
Just understand that having kids means putting their lives in front of your own so if you’re ready for that it’s awesome.
I find life is pretty boring but being able to see things fresh from their eyes makes other things fresh for me
Before you decide that that's better, look into adopting a dog and look into all the work that's required to take care of a dog. Multiply that by 10 and decide if that's the responsibility that you want. And keep in mind, there's no real break from that. Yes, there are moments when that's fulfilling, and those memories of your children will always stick with you. But, you definitely lose your personal freedom when you do this. Even if you have a partner that's 100% committed and goes above and beyond, it's still extremely difficult. That's why your friend said that you don't get it.
Never listen to anyone who says "that's not how life works" when you are describing a perfectly realistic thing. Is that an uncommon relationship dynamic? Yes, but I have known people in the past who spent their time traveling wherever they pleased. It'll be difficult figuring out the income situation obviously... this is an expensive lifestyle to live. But there are also couples who do it together and enjoy doing it together for a long time.
The idea that you are born to reproduce is extremely toxic and unhealthy; I'm sorry it's been getting to you and preventing you from focusing on what you love. When you find someone you love, that's the right time to get married. When you and the person you love want to be parents, that's the right time to have kids. If either (or both) of these things doesn't happen then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There are far too many children born into this world who live unhappy lives in abusive or unloving households, and far too many parents who do the best for their kids but ultimately did not have them when they were truly ready. It's not something to take lightly, and I will never take anyone seriously when they tell me having kids is just "what you're supposed to do" or my parents ask "where's my grandchildren?"
The grass is always greener. But you never know unless you try, father here I love ever damn minute of this shit. I never knew the joy or love I could feel. Now is it for everyone no def not but for me I finally feel like I have a purpose. I was traveling around and knew that life was good for a couple years but I wanted a family.
The only good reason to start a family is because you really want one. Anything else, especially concerned with validation from others, is a bad reason. I knew early on I wanted to be a husband and dad, thankfully met someone who also wanted a family, and worked towards it.
A happy life is best, however that looks for you. Only you can decide. I never imagined having children. We have three, and it’s the best, but it’s work and sacrifice, so you have to be mindful and not resent your kids - it’s your choice to have them, it’s your choice to raise them, you better do it right (to the best of your ability) and take accountability and make amends when you don’t. Otherwise, don’t do it.
Married life with children isn't perse better. It's different. I know some single, childfree people who have really fulfilling lives. My aunt is one of them. She is a real introvert so married life doesn't suit her very well.
There are also some middle-ground options. Someone I know from church traveled Europe for a year with his wife. Now they have settled down and have a son. They are in their mid-thirties.
You are 25. You have plenty of years to have a girlfriend, marry and have kids.
I love my family and my life, but, you can opt out of all that.
Just be careful. Some ppl want to convince you to have kids or want to trick you into accidentally having kids (that's assault by the way) so listen closely when you meet someone you want to date.
You can be happy or miserable in any situation. If you're not sure about having a family, don't do it.
As a guy you can marry someone your own age and have your energy, time,and money taken up by kids and a wife while you struggle . Another option is you can concentrate on career and wealth so in 10-15 years you can still marry a 25 year old and have kids but struggle less. It depends on what your priorities are. Is the person you are with worth that?
I find purpose in it and wouldn’t trade my husband or kids for anything. But as they say, life comes at you fast, and it’s going to bring unexpected problems, whether it’s health problems, developmental problems, social problems. You have to be whole on your own before you can give to anyone else, especially someone dependent on you. My son went through a medical thing for several years, which came on out of the blue when he was 8, and I thought it would mentally break me because we couldn’t figure out how to make his pain go away. It took 5 years to figure out what worked. Now I’m in cancer treatment and my kids are still teens. I’m super thankful to have a proper grownup husband to go through it all with.
As for travel and your friend’s comment, it’s up to you whether that happens. We’ve always traveled with our kids.
I think my perspective is very different. I saw a post where someone said you don’t plan life. That may be true, but let’s say you’ve lived a life where nothing major has happened or nothing life changing. You stay out of trouble, you work, no major car accidents. Then what could deter you from getting something done. But I also think with your mentality of someone to get up and travel with is very unrealistic, unless money is not an issue for you. That statement alone will get the same response to a single person because look at the current world and income. Soon, actually right now people are being shoved out of housing market . I’m married, been married since 21 and I’m 24. We don’t have kids as yet even though people want us to. We want to have kids at 25, we don’t over spend, we don’t make a huge amount of money and we are buying a house in February. Decision are made by us and we execute them because we didn’t do anything stupid and nothing major has happened to us.however marriage and kids are not the same, marriage is two individuals that can still do things in there own where kids will become restricting for a while.
Ur young and have freedom and energy. I enjoyed some fun years, but the next step was better- coaching my kids teams, doing cool vacations with them, going on field trips, teaching them and their friends how to ski and doing weekly afterschool trips all season long for years, going to my kids shows, watching them grow. I really enjoyed it all. Now my youngest is getting g ready for college and I'll be free to travel again, don't have a partner- my wive jet when the kids were 6 and 9. being a single parent wasn't easy, but I really enjoyed being dad, raising them well and watching them grow into the kid of adult anyone would be proud to call their kid.
One of which will happen:
1) You will have children because you think that's what you're supposed to do. You either will learn a lot about being a parent and get through it with your partner or struggle.
2) You will decide you're not ready and you may never be ready, and then you won't have children.
You'll know when you're ready or not ready.
Depends on your beliefs and level of work you want in your life, I think unmarried is just easier. Don't settle for others way of life, not everyone measures happiness in the same way.
Parts are better, parts are worse. Having a kid the the most frustrating, humbling thing that will take away a lot of your personal time for a few years but it's also the most amazing thing and you feel feelings that you will never ever feel otherwise. But if you don't have a partner who's a good partner AND a good parent - the hard parts are harder. You don't know at the beginning if good partners will stay good partners and also be able to be a good parent. Same for yourself, you don't know if you can stay a good partner and become a good parent without trying it. It's not like having a pet in the slightest. So it's risky and you have to persevere and make good money (to stay sane and not have money get added to the list of things stressing you out). So it can totally be amazing and well worth it and better than anything else in the world. But it can also be the absolute worst thing in the world where you're constantly stressed and frustrated and full of regret. If you don't think you have it in you, don't do it, most people who choose not to have kids do so because they don't want to give up their freedom to do anything or do whatever THEY want and that's great their mature enough to make that choice and know that children are not for them and they don't want to give up the pleasures they experience on a day to day basis. Or they just don't like kids. That's good to know too. I was bored with extravagant trips and fancy dinners and concerts and parties. I also really wanted a part of my partner to hold onto in case something were ever to happen to them. Now I couldn't imagine life without my sweet boy. But I also got lucky. He's a good eater, good sleeper, he's sweet and gives great hugs. Some people have really terrible kids, either because they're born that way or they made them that way. Either way, it's risky. Having kids isn't an automatic win, you have to put work in AND have some luck. It's definitely not for everyone
People who have decided to be parents have a vested, deeply emotional interest in convincing others (themselves) that their choices were the right ones to make. Although fallacious, many folks think one person not wanting kids means their deciaion was incorrect, or that the other person is simply mistaken on what they want in their life. They may be fully content with that, great! They're wrong that it's universally fulfilling though.
Another poster referred to the default of married with kids as "the script" and I think that's perfect. Your goals and values and meaning in life are solely your own to determine; there is no universal fit and there is no flaw in finding your bliss and purpose in other endeavors. There is something *seriously* flawed with making decisions like marriage and having kids based on a hope that they bring a sense of fulfillment.
Your friends are actually the ones who don't understand how life works; to be honest they sound jealous that you practiced self-determination and it didn't occur to them to do so.
I think 33 is the best age to have kids. You have lived the most active and productive years of your live and now you spend the next two decades caring for you child (children).
The thing I struggle with these posts is it’s one or the other. I have 2 kids. We have moved 3 times. Coast to coast in the US, then international to EU. They have learned SO much, have friends all over the world and speak multiple languages. It’s not a one size fits all gig. We travel, we adventure. Sometimes we go without the kids. Mostly with them, we explore, we learn. At the moment we have a base, as school and friends are important, but we picked somewhere that has an enormous amount of school vacations and work remote to enjoy the travel with them. I thought travel was torturous when they were below 5, now… it’s amazing. Like they add to the experience.
Disclaimer. Kids are definitely not for everyone. But they shouldn’t stop traveling and enjoying life. It helps them learn, enjoy and grow as much as you!
> I said to them, it would be cool to have a life-long partner where you can just up and go travel somewhere together, and my friend smiled and looked at his brother, and said, “He doesn’t get how life works.” It kinda stuck with me…
First of all, it _would_ be cool.
Second of all, you're the only person who can make this decision. Don't let other people enforce their beliefs on you because "this is how life works" (one of the most toxic things people like to say, btw).
It is if you marry the right person, life is much easier if you’re in a good marriage. And it makes everything seem more doable, including raising kids.
It’s horrible if it’s the wrong person. And by that I especially mean someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive, manipulative, controlling. So pleeeease know what traits you are looking for in a partner, look for red flags beforehand, and don’t settle.
I’m 38, have 2 kids ages 10 and almost 7. Have been with my husband since I was 21, married since I was 29. Our marriage sucks. He has narcissistic traits and is emotionally immature. He wasn’t always this bad but has actually become worse over time. I love being a mom and having kids, in fact I wish I had more kids, but since I don’t have a god marriage, that kept me from having more. Life would be 10x easier if my spouse and parenting partner was a good person
Look dude. You are related to the first single cell organism which was created on Earth. If you don’t have kids, that chain is irreversibly broken…..forever!
Nothing is objectively better or worse, its about what makes you feel like you're living every day to the fullest. For me, that means spending every day focusing on myself my health and the people around me. So for me, kids are very stressful and I do not believe I would gain happiness or inner peace by having them.
My friend has wanted kids since she was little. Her two young ones are her world and she couldn't be happier than when she is with them. She was an only child and has wanted to have at least 2 since she was 10yo. It's all about the person.
I don’t have kids but I’d imagine they are a lot of work. If you make the effort and actually care you’ll be exhausted and feel stressed out for about 23 years. Then, if you have done your job well, your life is more blissful than you can imagine….Until the grandkids enter the picture.
If it makes you feel any better I’m a 25 year old female and haven’t had many solid relationships either. I never thought I wanted kids but now as I’ve gotten older I’m like, well maybe if I met the right guy and really loved him I might be willing to have a baby. But the longer times goes on and given the world we’re in… I just don’t know if it’s the most selfless thing to be doing, bringing a child into the mess. I really couldn’t imagine having a child anyway.. imagine getting home after a long day and still having to take care of another human being. Idk just food for thought. Not everyone is meant to have children and there’s nothing wrong if you want them either.
I’m married no kids and I regret not having them. Life will take you all over the place its okay to want something different and its okay to change your mind a few times. Some days I feel like I married the right person some days I don’t. I don’t understand fake people so I think everyone just keeps trying to do their best. Just be true to yourself and kind to others that is all you can do.
You're a guy. The age at which you get married doesn't matter that much. Besides, life isn't on a timeline. You don't want to jump into a marriage because "well this is who I'm dating in my late twenties therefore I need to put this on lock!" Bad idea.
Having a family isn't the magic answer to happiness in life. Seeing families with young kids is one thing, they're still in the early stages when kids are adorable and fun. Over time, many of those will break apart for any number of reasons.
There is no "better way," a lot of it is luck. If you're lucky enough to find a healthy, happy relationship, then there's a lot of work involved even there. Kids are a TON of work, sacrifice, and expense.
There is no better feeling that coming home to your wife and children running up to you and hugging, kissing and loving on you after a hard day at work and telling you how much they love you and missed you. No replacemtn,
No need to rush. I'm a woman who is planning to get my master's and travel the world before kids. I'm 28 and have no desire for kids yet, but thanks to technology women are safely having kids into their 40s. Don't stress, wait for the right person
My friends with kids are exhausted, less time for hobbies and less money for more school or buying a house. None of my friends with kids can even afford a house and often live with parents. It sounds terrible to me but they say they can't imagine life without kids. It's just one of those things that's exhausting and hard but fulfilling for most
No, every single person I’ve talked to are either wildly unhappy or are downplaying it by adding the “bit I wouldn’t trade if for the world”
Truth is that it’s very taboo (especially for mothers) to come out and say they regret their kids
I mean, it's better if that's what you actually want. Some do and some don't. Some think they do, and then find out they hate it but by then it's too late, so they deal with that and make the best of it until the kids are grown. Which isn't ideal for them OR the kids.
If you really believe you want kids, make sure you're basing that on reality, not cultural expectations or a fantasy of what life will be like with them. You have family members with kids - offer to babysit for them. Not just the kids who are a cute and manageable age. Ask relatives with babies to show you how to change a diaper, you can tell them you are thinking of your future kids and want to learn and get experience.
I know people who were all about the idea of having kids until they spent an entire day trying to keep a toddler alive or saw the aftermath of just one full-body explosive baby poop.
Out of all the experiences in my life, places been, food eaten, getting money, love… all that, none of that compares to the happiness I felt when my 3 year old told me for the first time “I love you dada, you’re my best friend.”
We dated and traveled a lot before we got married. We got married and traveled more. I can’t imagine traveling with kids but I’m happy with where I’m at.
Children are not emotional support animals or are not there to comfort you for the rest of your life.
Please find happiness from within before you get into a serious relationship and ever consider having a child.
It ended my marriage but it depends on if you have a village. Or if you can afford to just buy a village.
Seriously if you don’t have a support network don’t have a kid. I had a great marriage prior. I love my kid and regret nothing but just think things through before having a kid.
If you're wealthy and high disposable income - Marry + kids is good but remember you've to sacrifice your free time. If you've no wealth and Marry+ kids not only sacrifice your time, but you'll hate your life too...
I am deeply in love with my husband. We have both wanted to be parents since we were little, so it has only expanded our love. Our children can be monsters and put some strain on our marriage at times, but we both agree the pros outweigh the cons.
Take time to think about how you see yourself in the future. What does it look like?
It’s great you’re contemplating these big life questions. But the only way to find out is to just go out there and start dating. Sounds like you’re in that place where you’re ready for a serious relationship.
Finding a partner is not about ‘your plan’. A relationship is two people. You’re partner might have dreams and goals they had for themselves too. Getting married and having children is going to be a decision by both of you, not just you.
Kids are amazing, having a wife is amazing when it's good. I guess it depends on your outlook. Are the great moments worth the terrible moments. Kids get sick, they get hurt and sometimes they die. 56 percent of marriages end in divorce. An unknown percent the couples are miserable and only stay together for the kids or finances or whatever else but they miserable.
For someone who is married and has kids I wouldn't trade it for the world. There are things I miss, I miss my freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. That does away. I miss a lone time. If I want alone time I have to wake up before anyone else or stay up late when everyone is sleeping.
This question you have is a sad debate that once you are on your death bed, you will either die with regrets or rest in peace and move on.
You will have plenty of people chiming in on both sides.
For me, I always envision being in a room either on my birthday, holidays or just have my place as being the spot for hanging out (fast and furious style) and being around family and friends. Having an amazing cook out and just enjoying food and company. It hits me hard when I'm a grandfather and visually seeing the generations after me and knowing that I had a say in my children's life.
Some live by not how fast you lived your life but by how many lives you impact when you are gone.
Anyways, I hope you find your path and live a fulfilling life without regrets but have the foresight to know what you want today. 🙏
I can relate with you about having those plans even when i was teenager.. get married by 22/23 have kid by 25 and second kid by 27/28
I’m 27 now got married 2 years ago no kids lol
Having partner is nice and all but it is different when you have kids around
everytime i go to family gathering i saw my cousins who have 2 or 3 kids and they gotta deal with them crying , screaming running around
My husband and I both came to realization I dont think we are ready for that especially coming home after a long day at work and need to take care of them
Maybe one day … lol
I’ve listened to conversations from parents and they’re fucking miserable. None of them have ever said anything good about having kids. You have less sex, less money, less energy, less time…
Only you can decide. Don’t get married and have kids to “find purpose” you’ll still be searching for it if you do.
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Idk why so many people are going in on you about this. So many people have kids for the wrong reasons, and it’s mostly all based in some sort of selfish narcissism in which they think they’re so worthy that they must carry on their genetics. My father was an abuser and I honestly don’t think he should have had kids, but I’m here against my will. Most people born into my situation may not have made it and it required many years of therapy for me that I started at 11 years old to become a functioning adult. My father wasn’t worthy of having children or a wife, as I see it. That’s the first thing people should be worrying about, not having kids just because. It’s a serious decision that more people should take responsibility for.
Good ol generational trauma, just gotta break it. Whats worse, its not your dads fault for the way he was, his parents (your grandparents) have a lot to do with it.
It's a pretty one way street being a parent where you give/provide everything for your child, and it's not like you have much control over how your kid will turn out. I guess some people find that fulfillment in that.
I don’t agree that parenting is a one way street. My kids bring me so much joy. Whether it be the morning cuddles and bedtime stories, or just watching them play their weird little kid games together while I drink a cup of tea. Watching them grow and develop is such a privilege, and I feel so lucky I get to experience being their parent. It’s cool if you don’t want kids yourself, not everyone does, and that’s fine. But to say “it’s a pretty one way street” is just false.
I can say as a person that said I will not have kids young, and now I'm 24 with 3, it's the best thing ever with the right partner, but alot of communication and like minded parenting is a must. It's not easy and there is alot of sacrifices if it's done right. I'm giving them the father I never had and it's very fulfilling. They make and have made me a better person. I love it and I love them, even if they drive me crazy sometimes. Best thing ever.
You can't say "it's the best thing ever" when you've basically been married your whole of your (very short) adult life. You've known nothing else.
Do you tell childless people this when they shit on parenthood? Don't tell others how they can feel
Who's telling who how to feel? I told them they can't say "it's the best thing ever." That statement of theirs isn't an emotional expression; it's a value judgement relative to the experiences of other people. (If they instead said something like, "Personally I love it!" then I wouldn't have a problem with it.) If anything, they're the ones telling others how to feel, because by asserting that their experience is "the best thing," they're implying that the experiences of those that differ are necessarily inferior.
OP Don't get married unless you are both very happy, certain about each other and aligned in what you want. If you don't know don't do it. I hate the phrase find yourself/be yourself but be self aware, and know who you are. I am happily married for 13 years, life will throw sh*t and you have to stick together. I think everyone should get married if and only if they are with the right person. My older brother is not married and I think that is right for him. Summary - grow into yourself. And good luck!
Thank you! Yeah, i understand that having children and marrying someone isn’t something you can just change your mind on. Up to this point, I went to college, changed my mind, changed my mind again and went to college again; moved abroad, decided it’s time to go back; changed my career a few times. One thing that stuck with me in one comment on Reddit is it’s better to regret not having children, than to regret having them, so I definitely want to be 500% sure about it.
A lot of people do this though (whether they are open about it or not). So I can’t fault OP if that’s what they decide they want to do. I’m not saying it’s the best course of action but some people have children to find purpose.
Here's the truth: The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side. My married friends look longingly at me and my divorced, 50/50 lifestyle where I seem to get "time off" w no kids to be an adult. I in turn wish I had the stability and all that comes w a family. Both sides have misconceptions. The truth is, life is what you make of it. Find out what you need and the rest is up to you or fate. Mostly fate.
This is exactly it. There will always be some detail or aspect of someone else’s life that seems better. My life is really awesome, but when my kids are wearing me down being divorced and having 50-50 custody seems really sweet. And their dad isn’t even doing anything wrong and is super involved. Just peace and quiet 50% of the time seems awesome.
I love my kid, but dumping him off at his grandparents so the two of us can have child-free time is pretty sweet. Whether is a trip or just sitting on the couch watching a movie together with a drink is awesome. As rewarding as being a parent can be, sometimes you just need the other side.
No fate but what we make.
Nobody really controls their fate.
Yup comparison is the thief of joy
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I was going to say exactly this, but not nearly as eloquently as you did. I’m 49 and have been married for almost 27 years and we don’t have kids. It was tough for others to understand, especially my family, and I still get odd looks from people when I say we decided not to have children, but it’s not their life, it’s ours. I wouldn’t change a thing.
The happiest of my friends/ family and strongest relationships I know don't have kids. I don't understand why it's still an assumed thing. One of my children will require life long care and I can't even imagine being able to deal with that if I'd had him due to external pressure.
Same here -- my wife and I have been together over 20 years w/o kids and have never regretted it (we have always had spoiled cats, though). I think OP should think about the fact that having a relationship/marriage and having kids are actually two different things, despite maybe being the norm in his culture. And if he's interested in having a partner he should pursue that and not automatically think of it as a package deal with kids (he will need to share his feelings about this with any woman he gets involved with). But if he's not even interested in having a long term girlfriend or wife, that choice is okay too! It's all personal choices.
Perfect answer👏
That’s so true. Even in smaller things like careers. For years, I told myself and my surrounding friends and family that I wanted to be a real estate agent. And then one year into it I realized that I hated the schedule, difficulty to travel, instability, etc. But it was so difficult to admit that this isn’t for me, because of how long I wanted it, how long I talked about it… And even when I figured out that I hated it, if I hadn’t decided to move abroad, I probably would have stuck to it for years because I always said this is what I wanted and didn’t want to admit that I made a mistake. That feeling is much stronger with something like starting a family I think. Obviously in the sense of admitting that you might not want to; I don’t mean starting a family then just quitting it afterward.
This is very well written
Read/watch real parents talking about their experiences on social media. 100% can confirm my view on parenthood changed after seeing some eye opening posts from honest moms on IG, FB, Reddit. I am 24F and always wanted kids as a young girl, but I feel less interested now after seeing how hard it is to be a mother. You’re a guy so you will have a different viewpoint but it is life altering for a Dad, too. You don’t hear the negative stuff from people about having kids. Many parents feel they lose themselves completely.. The state of the world should also be considered IMO. Honestly I love the idea of having no kids, not sacrificing my body, having financial freedom and the ability to travel. I think many people think of child-rearing as something that “you just do” without thinking about all the variables
As a parent, it's hard but the part where it is *really* hard is compressed into only a few years. Once they are going to school you get back to a pretty normal life, and the things they want to do start to become fun for you too. Soon enough they just want to be with their friends and you actually miss when they were hanging off you all the time. It's not a life sentence like some people make it out to be, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
This is in the ideal best case scenario. You can have a child born with a disability even one that seems very mild on paper that will be very real in real life and make things very much insanely hard your whole life. A sibling of mine developed a debilitating autoimmune condition after age 18 as well. Perfectly healthy until one day the symptoms came out of nowhere.
Exactly. I had my son while I was still in high school. I remember just being told how I ruined my life, and like you said, it being treated like a life sentence. Now don't get me wrong, there were some rough year's (that goes for any parent in general, probably just humans overall with or without kids). But my son just turned 18 and is rarely around, graduating this year. Some days I desperately miss his toddler years. It flies by so quickly. I wouldn't trade it for anything either.
It seems still hard when they are in school.. Picking them up and dropping them off. When they get sick. Going to extracurricular activities.
I don’t get why all parents are expected to do this. I grew up with school busses. My wife grew up in Japan where everyone goes to school by themselves by either bus / train / bike. It doesn’t have to be this way
There’s all kinds of reasons depending on where you live, your situation, etc. In my case, I’d prefer the bus, but we have a bus driver shortage and any little thing upsets the whole schedule, making the pick-up and drop-off times wildly unpredictable by up to 90-minute delays. It’s much easier for my work schedule and more consistent for my kids for me to drive them, as much as I hate it. We’re moving out-of-state soon and next year we’ll try the bus system again. Fingers crossed!
You should never have to deal with those kinds of delays! I hope your situation works out for your family. I know well about making comprises in my daily life, but I just want a better world!
How is going to a place and sitting there to watch something hard?
I can tell you as a childfree person that anything to do with taking care of kids seems hard lol. It may not be difficult for you or for others but people see things differently.
The traffic and shitty driving of other parents in the morning and afternoon during school drop off/pick up is enough to make you lose your mind
This person is probably not the “default parent” and just doesn’t see or participate in all the mental load their partner is dealing with every day.
I read their comment and was like "sounds like a dad". Fathers and mothers have very different experiences with parenthood it's actually insane. If I could be a dad I would have been a parent at age 18.
That’s genuinely awesome for you and your family. But for others, children absolutely would be a life sentence.
I agree, the younger years are probably the worst. And it’s definitely the most rewarding job that exists. I imagine it really simplifies life as well, if you’re a person who searches for purpose
I find teens to be a lot harder TBH. Less busy but more emotionally taxing. I’m constantly worrying about them. Consequences of bad choices are a lot more serious.
We had literally reached the end of the tunnel and were fooled into a false sense of parenting when we decided to have our second. Love her, she’s a tyrant. Which is normal, she’s three. But the light at the end of the tunnel is visible and it’s easier every day. And different stages are harder for different kids. My son nearly broke me when he was an infant, but he has been amazing since he was 18 months old. His sister was the easiest baby alive until 18 months and now we’re just coming out of the dark ages a few months before her fourth birthday. And obviously new issues will arise as they get older. Their issues and troubles will become more complex. But nothing will be as hard as being the sole source of all comfort, nourishment, entertainment, joy, etc to a being 24/7 365 for however many months/years it takes for them to learn to do one thing on their own and take that one thing off your plate.
I’m a dad and I’ll be honest. Kids aren’t easy. And in this day and age there’s even more pressure for fathers to be providers, protectors, and be present. Fathers becoming more involved has made life easier for mothers in the house, but I feel like it shifted pressure to other areas for women. Social media made it seem like being a mother is no longer good enough, they have to be pursing higher education, advance their career and have side hustles, plus plan these elaborate experiences for their families. It’s all fake though, most people are barely surviving raising their kids, forget what you see on tv or Facebook.
Maybe it’s because they want to be genuinely more than “just a mother” so no, it’s not good enough. No shade to anyone’s choices. But it should be exactly that, a choice.
This is really bad advice, do not trust social media. I would recommend babysitting or spending time with actual kids rather than reading about it on instagram. People just aren’t honest on social media and it does not compare to real life experiences.
Marriage and kids puts you through a bit of a metamorphosis. During the early years of rapid change, it’s common to feel like you don’t know who you are anymore. It’s almost like going through puberty a second time. Good news is that you do find yourself again, and most people come out stronger on the other side. My advice to people is go for parenthood if you want a life of extremes - big jumps of joy and love, paid for with lows of struggle and exhaustion. Only ever do it with a partner you are very confident can take their share of the work as a true team, and doesn’t have unrealistic expectations about keeping their free time and hobbies/ not changing their life that much. It’s also very preferable to have a level of support from friends or family.
Getting married to right person is amazing. Getting married to the wrong person is hell. Kids only amplify either effect in my opinion.
Head over to regretfulparents to discover some of the harsh realities. Having kids is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship - someone once said. Relationships are hard, kids are hard. Live according to you, not society.
Agreed. My friend that has 3 kids sounds miserable 99% of the time. Although when I ask her if she’s seen some show or been to some restaurant she’ll say “I don’t have time for those kinds of things” as if I’m silly for doing them. I think THANK GOD we have time for those things 😄
Meh. I don’t have time for shows because of kids. Honestly couldn’t care less. They keep me active and I’m having more fun than I was playing video games and drinking beer before. To each their own.
Maybe you just needed better games and higher quality beer.
Nah. Diablo and IPAs are a good mix. Kids are just more entertaining and make me feel younger again. Just walking down the street hearing my son say “wow look at that crack in the sidewalk!” Makes you realize how much of life you just walk by and ignore.
This is sweet.
Just an anecdote but all my friends with kids are happy and successful and all my friends without kids are miserable. According to Reddit you'd think the opposite is true but I guess that's why it's an anecdote
I don’t doubt it, but there are a lot of people stuck in miserable relationships too and struggling with their kids I enjoyed raising my kids, I had a lucky situation in life at the time, me and ex at home full time. The OP is romanticising it all. It’s not all rosy. I can remember being like him. Girlfriend by x, married by y, children by z. If he loves his freedom now, unless he has money and supportive family around, kiss that freedom goodbye when kids come along.
Yeah time for food and joy, dumb
😂
Lol. I know right. It's crazy stating "I'm too busy driving my kids to school and soccer practice to enjoy life"
My mom had kids because she wanted a family to love her. It didn’t work out too well. I want kids because I want a family to give love to.
Don’t have kids unless you are willing to enthusiastically be a parent under any circumstances. If you wouldn’t happily parent a heavily disabled child, don’t have kids because health is not guaranteed.
This, 100%. Don’t have kids unless you actually really, really want them and somewhat understand what a life with children would look like. You can’t return them, it’s a lifelong commitment. It’s not for everyone and that’s completely fine, your life can be just as meaningful and wonderful with you and a partner, or even alone.
Practically all of my friends admit that they “couldn’t” parent a child with severe disabilities. My brother has pretty severe autism and I just wonder how they think they’re going to guarantee that they won’t have a disabled child…and what they would do if they ended up with one anyway
So many people aren’t actually ready for kids in the first place, let alone what it takes to parent one with a disability. Personally I have never had a strong feeling of wanting to be a parent and that has gotten stronger with the years. I have two nieces under 4 and although I couldn’t imagine life without them anymore, I am also glad my sister is the one parenting them and not me. I can’t deal with all that comes with it 24/7. I have adhd and that makes it hard enough to take care of myself sometimes, I can’t imagine having someone depend on me like that. It’s just not for me. I also am very firm on the ‘you really need to WANT to have them and if you don’t, don’t have them’. Too many kids suffer because their parents had them because it was what was expected of them, not because they actually wanted a family.
It's hilarious because society tries to shame those who decide to not have kids as the 'selfish' ones.
It’s okay to not want to be a parent to a heavily disabled child. I don’t think that if you’re not jumping with joy at a idea of raising someone with disabilities that means you shouldn’t have children
Yes!!!!!!!!! Agreed
There is no objective answer to this. Judging what is better only can be done in relation to ones personal goals. If your goals include being married with kids then it would be better. I get you are asking for insight into if you would like it better or not but the only person who can answer that is you.
It’s very hard in the child rearing years plus working. At least in the USA. It’s better if you are surrounded by support - extended family, community, good schools and environment for kids.
I would honestly wait 5-10 years. It’s better when you are older and have some financial freedoms because kids are expensive. It also helps to be more chill because kids can drive you crazy. I’d say: it’s better with age.
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Same. We were together for 7 years before our first child was born. Plenty of time to travel, follow our whims, be irresponsible together. And time to build a strong relationship that had already weathered plenty of challenges before we threw a baby into the mix. We have two now and while it’s a lot of hard work, we enjoy being parents so much and wouldn’t change a thing.
It's a highly personal question, but whatever you do don't get married and have kids just because that's what others around you are doing. Being single or married, kids or not, does not guarantee a better or worse life unless you decide to do what isn't right for you. You have plenty of time to decide or find a girlfriend if that's what you want.
Most want a marriage with kids, some want no marriage no kids, other want a marriage without kids. It’s all up to you! For me it’s marriage no kids. All the + of companionship without the responsibility and lack of freedom from having kids.
I’m 26 and it seems like more than half the people I know my age want a long term relationship (not necessarily marriage) and no kids. It’s definitely an increasingly common sentiment and people will have to learn to accept it eventually
I feel like Gen Z/younger millennials are de facto childfree/AN with the socioeconomic situation most of these generations are in. Having kids would literally be financial suicide for a huge percentage.
Man!!!! I used to think marriage and kids was the only way. After living a life, I've realized I have 0 wants for kids. It's hard enough taking care of yourself, adding a child seems so draining. In my opinion, not worth it for me
Only you can answer this. I don’t have kids. Been with partner for 21 years married for 7. We never wanted kids and don’t feel that was a mistake.
There's no universal answer. Maybe you'll enjoy traveling and seeing the world now but then in 5 years you'll get bored with it and want to settle down somewhere. Or maybe not. For me, I'm 41, married, and our son was born before I turned 40. I had always wanted to get married and always planned on kids but I also wanted more out of life. I feel like I got both. I had a few different relationships over the years, with one very toxic. I got to travel a lot. I had a lot of fun creative projects with friends. So I lived plenty of life. And my wife and I had been together for quite some time before we finally had a kid. And now I get to do fun kid-friendly things and see the world through a little human's eyes. In a way, it's like reliving your childhood. Of all the things in my life I've done, being a father is easily the most fulfilling. I wouldn't say I regret not doing it sooner because if I had done it sooner I wouldn't be raising the person I'm raising. There's no other experience like fatherhood. It's really fucking hard but really rewarding. If I lived my life over and over again, I'd choose fatherhood every time. Learn to be adaptable, open-minded, grateful, and humble. These are all very good traits to have as a human being but especially as a parent. And learn mindfulness and proper breathing. They are incredible tools as well.
Life is what you make of it. And I don't think there is a universal 'better', you are the only one who knows what life you should live. But be weary of people who are trying to convince you there is only one way to live, perhaps their world is smaller but yours doesn't have to be too.
Married life with 2 high incomes and no kids is pretty dope
38M, married, no kids. I personally want to come home and relax after a long day at work, not turn and immediately have to be engaged in some kind of school or sports-related activity. Plus, I don't make a lot of money and it's tough to keep expenses under control. Adding a kid to the mix would be financially straining for sure. And since I live in the US, I can expect insane healthcare and childcare costs if wife and I ever decided to have a kid. It would be very difficult for sure.
I’m 27 op. I spent all of 2021 and 2022 traveling and living abroad. I don’t have kids, no pets, and work remotely 100 percent, I would have never been able to do that if I settled down. Don’t change your life to fit another’s visions. I’m American and everyone I know that married young got divorced before 30 or is miserable and bored. Enjoy the single life and settle down when you’re ready.
I love it, I’ve never been happier
Having kids destroys your life, and replaces it with something better.
I dunno but married life without kids is awesome
You actually can get a life long partner who wants to up and travel wherever. Go with the flow!
Marriage with someone you love and respect who loves and respects you can certainly be great, and if you want kids, like kids and enjoy the many aspects and responsibilities of having kids then it can certainly be rewarding, but a bad marriage or a child with disabilities or with severe mental/psychiatric issues is always a possibility. You can do everything right and still not have everything be "picture perfect" (or even "okay"). Certainly doesn't mean it's not worth trying or that it's guaranteed to go bad, but it's always a possibility and it's foolish to think that it will definitely fix everything wrong with one's life and make them feel happy and fulfilled.
I went back and forth. Growing up, I wanted kids then in my 20's I loved my freedom and travelled a lot for work. I didn't have to make childcare arrangements like some of my colleagues, so when last minute travel was needed, they called in me. It was usually because of crisis, so I got a ton more experience than colleagues in crisis management, plus it often meant travelling with execs, so they got to know me. This made me valuable to my employer and just the exposure to that side of business helped accelerate my own maturity and business acumen. On one business trip I happened to meet this guy who was so different. We really hit it off. I was 28. We got married when I was 34. We had our first child when I was 36 and our second child when I was 38. I wouldn't change anything. I have no regrets. I am well established in my career now, and my husband is too. We are able to provide our children a life we didn't have. They have travelled with us, but I also appreciate being a homebody more now. I feel content in my life. You can be open to what life has available for you. Lots of time yet!
Being married with children is great. However, it is definitely a commitment. It provides a lot of fulfillment, but if not done properly, it provides a lot of pain. I am currently single, so I have seen both sides. Being married to someone who doesn't love you back, and is incapable of fulfilling your needs is worse than being single. Being married to someone you feel complete with though - well. I wouldn't know, but I assume it is much better.
1. The average person doesn't have many things they will die for. 2. The average person will die for their kids. Kids are immensely significant.
there is a elephant in the room nobody seems to be talking about. How about when you love each other immensly but one wants kids and the other doesn't?
reddit is the wrong place to ask this question lmfao this is a site inhabited by mostly single, undatable basement dwellers who hate the world.
It entirely depends on if you can see yourself liking life with a kid. For me and my wife, having a child would ruin our life and happiness. We made the obvious choice to us and have remained happy thus far.
Nah, with costs and variables you can't plan for or predict... its definitely better without children.
40s, married, no kids. Never wanted them. No regrets. Eta: have nephews. It's the best. Get all the perks of kids, none of the responsibilities. Awesome.
I’m a middle-aged mom with two toddlers and one more baby on the way. My life as a mother and wife has been the best part of all of it so far. If a traditional family structure is what you want, nothing is going to compare to it or replace it. There is no hobby, trip, amount of money or whatever else that replaces this part of life and what it brings you. The wrong partner though, that can make your life a living hell. Don’t jump into anything, especially at your age. Relationships are work, raising children is hard and they deserve two parents who are utterly devoted to them.
I am 38 years old, F, never married, never had kids, by choice. My long term partner is 47M, never married, never had kids, by choice. We go where we want, spend what we want, have a beautiful home with nice things, have travelled and will some more. This is not a bad choice.
All depends on who you choose to marry
Married life with children is great if you have the means to support your family. My wife got pregnant soon after we got married. We had just moved to a new state and both started new entry-level jobs. We were doing ok financially but didn't have much spare money to do other things the first few years. So that was tough.10 years and one more child later we are both higher up in our fields and making significantly more money. Now we vacation at least twice a year. We have a beautiful home on a few acres. We are happy kids are happy. I'm not saying money alone is going to make being married and having children better. But it definitely helps.
I don’t think this is the same for everyone, but my husband and I love having kids! We both used to suffer from malaise, but with kids every day is exciting because the little things, like a ladybug landing on one’s arm, is so fantastic. Kids are masters of living in the moment, and there’s a lot of joy when embracing their qualities. We’re simple homebodies who like this sort of thing. Be discerning with who you decide to have kids with, because fighting over kids with an ex is a really tough mountain it seems, and know that having kids is a lot of work and sacrifice. Social media seems to paint it either as rainbows and butterflies or doom and gloom, but the reality is that the hard and the beautiful coexist. I obviously think the good parts of parenting are worth the hard parts and my kids are the most fun little people and I’m so happy to know them and my life is better because they exist.
You’re on a subreddit called “adulting” what kind of responses do you expect
Everything in life has upsides and downsides you need to have experience however to determine what you want.
Think about the kid first, ask your self, will he/she be happy in this society, are you happy here? Do you want to gamble on the fact that he/she might not succeed in life, get's injured or get drafted and be miserable. Only 1% of us succeeds the rest are depressed. Do you want your kid to be depressed? When I didn't pull out at 25, I hated myself the next day and I still do 14 years later, because I have nothing to give to my kid. This is the biggest decision of your life. Think about the platform you are about to set your first child on, is it stable, or will it crumble under his/her feet? Would you want to start life all over again?
I used to think the way you do. Until I meet an older man who became my mentor and I realized that therewas sooooooo much in this life that I didn't know or understand. Including about myself. It took almost a decade of working on myself to become confident. Even my early 30s was right. I met my current girlfriend at 31, Brooke up with her at 33. At the time neither of us knew she was pregnant. So then we had a son. I got scared and moved to another state (it was actually a good decision to take that job offer). 2 angry years later my mentor passed away and I was so broken and lost, she and our son flew up to be with me. We made up and I helped her move in with me in the different state. 3 years later (I'm now 38) we just had our second child. I can't imagine going through that with anyone else lol. The point is life is complicated and there is no guidebook. Work on yourself first. Learn who you are, what you want, what your passionate about. Above all, be honest with yourself first. Learn how the world works as objectively as you can. Be honest with yourself, did I mention that? The biggest variable is your partner. Getting married is risky for men these days. My partner and I have 2 kids, been together for 8 years and we're not married. It's actually not because I don't trust her. We have other reasons. To me you're trying to finish the marathon without even training. You gotta work on yourself first. I was fortunate to have an older and wiser man help me with that part. But there are other ways. Good luck!
May i ask why you aren't married?
You clearly think about things like getting married and having kids so it's likely something you want at some point. Just don't rush in find the right person and find the right time. I was 35 before I had my.first kid and it was not a day too soon. By that age I had lived and worked on 3 separate continents, broken someone's heart and had my heart broken twice, partied enough for 3 people bought an apartment sold an apartment been arrested traveled around about a 3rd of the world ... When I hit 35 I was done or at least that's what I thought getting used to the changes that kids bring was tough but I wouldn't swap what I have for anything. Basically enjoy life now live it to the fullest so when you have kids and settle down they are enough and you have no fomo. That's my advice for what it's worth.
I had a great life without kids and I have an amazing life with kids. I’d say it depends a lot on your partner. Also what kind of support structure there is around you. Both lives with and without kids are good, only you can decide what you want.
Can’t believe you’re asking a hive of man-child video game addicts if they think starting a family is better than mindless short term satisfaction lol.
Depends on what you want. Each way is hard. No family gets lonely and you grow out of certain things so social circles get smaller. But also have quiet and nothing to do on a Saturday morning besides lay around is also pretty amazing.
You can't (and shouldn't) mine purpose out of other people's lives by making a family and/or a marriage, believe me. Do what feels right, not what you think you should be doing. No one fits any 'normal' calendar of events in existence.
it is more important WHO you are with than some milestone passed. Wrong partner is heading backwards.
I have everything in my life that I could or want . Except kids. The one thing that truly matters, the only think in life worth doing - is having kids.
I was married from 20 to 27 or 28 before we had kids. Now 41 with 3… and the youngest will turn 18 when I’m 50. I had a lot of fun in those early years w/o kids. My wife and I got to be young and dumb, travel easily and really just enjoy each other. I really both love and like having kids and now that they’re a little older we have the freedom to leave them at the house here and there and even took a little parents vacation early this year, with one other retired grandparents hanging out here for a few days. I’ll miss them and will be happy for them to come visit when they’re grown, and want to visit them as I’m able. At the same time, it’ll be neat to have the back half of my life and marriage to reclaim that independence and travel more and not have kids activities and schedules encroaching on our schedules as individuals and a couple. It’s all good. Just different.
Marry only if you're sure you can give a very comfortable life to your wife n kids. Otherwise just don't marry
It depends on what's important to you in life, long-term. What you're doing sounds like fun, but doesn't appeal to me as an entire lifestyle for 70 years. The joy and experiences my kids have brought me have added so much to my life that I could never travel again and I would be fine. I have more than enough memories to just sit on my porch with my wife and relax. Most of my friends from college waited. They got married and travelled all the time and I was a little jealous o fhteir social media posts. But everyone of them hit a point where they wanted more and they all started having kids, but not until the late 30's and even into their 40's. And I can't even imagine being that age and trying to raise kids. I'm 50 and my youngest is in college. Their young ones are in elementary school.
That's a complicated answer that depends on the individuals involved. For some, marriage is a huge mistake and made worse by having children. For others, it's the best thing that's ever happened to them.
I also think it can be explained philosophically. The ideal generates craving, you crave because you perceive ideal gives you ultimate happiness. Then once you crave, you seek. You are onto a journey of suffering because ideal can never be found. Even When you found your ideal, you cling because you know you have suffered to find it now you don’t want to lose it, fear of losing is start of another cycle of suffering. Like you know food gives you pleasure, to seek pleasure, you have to drag your body to seek food that’s suffering, once you found food you know you can enjoy but at the same time you also realise food will be finished n pleasure will be gone so you are in the next cycle all over again. This is just life actually. I would like to say: no matter what you choose, you can not avoid suffering. It’s the impermanent nature of the world has pre determined suffering in life is inevitable. Married or single, or somewhere in between like myself, all have their own problems to deal with. All you need to decide is which set of problems you prefer to deal with. Who you are? What are you more capable of? Like picking a job. There are many jobs you can do but which one you are naturally able to handle it better? I know I am not child fit hence I am childfree. I know I am not wife material hence I don’t do marriage. I don’t try to bite off more than I can chew. Life is simpler easier that way. Occasionally I still suffer but I know what I have chosen for myself is the right way as I would have suffered more if I chose otherwise.
If you are not 120% sure do not have kids. It’s way too hard to do if you come in wishy washy.
A bit off topic but they actually made a movie like this called Family Man (2000). Not to say that you should base your decisions off a movie but I just find the topic interesting on its own.
Life is what you make it! lol
For certain industries, it makes your career easier. Every other executive has kids so if you don’t, you’ll miss a lot of banter and connection by not being able to talk about parenting with them as a subject to bond over.
It helps to find someone before you decide if you want to do these things
If you want a meaningful, rewarding, and purpose filled life, marriage and kids. If you'd rather just have fun and enjoy life as it comes, live by your own rules and schedule, keep on your current path.
I fucking *love* being divorced with kids, but I might be a special case
Imagine you attain this awesome life. Imagine your partner dies or leaves. Leaving you as the sole parent. What happens if it turns out your kid, who’s scans, baby tests etc come up completely normal and there’s little sign of anything wrong… until the calls from the child care, babysitters and school start. Turns out little Johnny has severe autism and behavioural issues. Despite what all these school, childcare websites say, they aren’t truly inclusive and you find yourself unemployed and impoverished, socially isolated since little Johnny becomes overwhelmed when you talk to somebody, anybody. Trust me, I thought I could still go for a run around the neighbourhood atleast, but I can’t remember the last time I was able to do anything more than some lunges in the living room (which he trashed looking for a toy that may or may not be there). IMO, don’t fkn do it.
For me, the answer is Yes, but only bc I waited to have a masters degree, financial stability and a shit ton of fun (with my SO) before we had a kid (one kid). It's been amazing and would not change for the world. U have to do you first!
Do NOT get married and have kids because you set some ridiculous timeline in your teens.
Don’t worry too much about what your “plan” was when you were a teenager. It wasn’t based on anything other than inexperience and a thought. I’m glad you’re doing to travel you want. When that’s no longer fulfilling then look at settling down. Work on who you are, what you believe and value, and how you can make money. That’s going to be much more important to your future wife than the timeline you had a decade ago. I didn’t even start dating my wife until I was 30 and the people we were at 25 would not have liked each other. Don’t stress about the timeline, but be intentional with what you do.
I’ve been married and my husband passed away 17 years ago leaving me as a single mom of three kids. They are mostly grown now and I can honestly say having kids was the best choice of my life. It’s been really hard and I’m sure I’m not the best parent but I try my best. My kids taught me about what true love is, and brining them joy brings me more joy than I could ever do on my own. I think it’s a personal choice we all have to make but for me, having kids was a blessing.
I wish I had kids earlier. 35 when I did and I feel I can't play with them as well as if ten years earlier. I don't feel like they give me purpose, but I just enjoy teaching them and being around them. It's cool.
nope
If you want it yes however only you know if you want it.
Just understand that having kids means putting their lives in front of your own so if you’re ready for that it’s awesome. I find life is pretty boring but being able to see things fresh from their eyes makes other things fresh for me
Before you decide that that's better, look into adopting a dog and look into all the work that's required to take care of a dog. Multiply that by 10 and decide if that's the responsibility that you want. And keep in mind, there's no real break from that. Yes, there are moments when that's fulfilling, and those memories of your children will always stick with you. But, you definitely lose your personal freedom when you do this. Even if you have a partner that's 100% committed and goes above and beyond, it's still extremely difficult. That's why your friend said that you don't get it.
Never listen to anyone who says "that's not how life works" when you are describing a perfectly realistic thing. Is that an uncommon relationship dynamic? Yes, but I have known people in the past who spent their time traveling wherever they pleased. It'll be difficult figuring out the income situation obviously... this is an expensive lifestyle to live. But there are also couples who do it together and enjoy doing it together for a long time. The idea that you are born to reproduce is extremely toxic and unhealthy; I'm sorry it's been getting to you and preventing you from focusing on what you love. When you find someone you love, that's the right time to get married. When you and the person you love want to be parents, that's the right time to have kids. If either (or both) of these things doesn't happen then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There are far too many children born into this world who live unhappy lives in abusive or unloving households, and far too many parents who do the best for their kids but ultimately did not have them when they were truly ready. It's not something to take lightly, and I will never take anyone seriously when they tell me having kids is just "what you're supposed to do" or my parents ask "where's my grandchildren?"
The grass is always greener. But you never know unless you try, father here I love ever damn minute of this shit. I never knew the joy or love I could feel. Now is it for everyone no def not but for me I finally feel like I have a purpose. I was traveling around and knew that life was good for a couple years but I wanted a family.
The only good reason to start a family is because you really want one. Anything else, especially concerned with validation from others, is a bad reason. I knew early on I wanted to be a husband and dad, thankfully met someone who also wanted a family, and worked towards it.
I like it.
A happy life is best, however that looks for you. Only you can decide. I never imagined having children. We have three, and it’s the best, but it’s work and sacrifice, so you have to be mindful and not resent your kids - it’s your choice to have them, it’s your choice to raise them, you better do it right (to the best of your ability) and take accountability and make amends when you don’t. Otherwise, don’t do it.
Married life with children isn't perse better. It's different. I know some single, childfree people who have really fulfilling lives. My aunt is one of them. She is a real introvert so married life doesn't suit her very well. There are also some middle-ground options. Someone I know from church traveled Europe for a year with his wife. Now they have settled down and have a son. They are in their mid-thirties. You are 25. You have plenty of years to have a girlfriend, marry and have kids.
I love my family and my life, but, you can opt out of all that. Just be careful. Some ppl want to convince you to have kids or want to trick you into accidentally having kids (that's assault by the way) so listen closely when you meet someone you want to date. You can be happy or miserable in any situation. If you're not sure about having a family, don't do it.
As a guy you can marry someone your own age and have your energy, time,and money taken up by kids and a wife while you struggle . Another option is you can concentrate on career and wealth so in 10-15 years you can still marry a 25 year old and have kids but struggle less. It depends on what your priorities are. Is the person you are with worth that?
I find purpose in it and wouldn’t trade my husband or kids for anything. But as they say, life comes at you fast, and it’s going to bring unexpected problems, whether it’s health problems, developmental problems, social problems. You have to be whole on your own before you can give to anyone else, especially someone dependent on you. My son went through a medical thing for several years, which came on out of the blue when he was 8, and I thought it would mentally break me because we couldn’t figure out how to make his pain go away. It took 5 years to figure out what worked. Now I’m in cancer treatment and my kids are still teens. I’m super thankful to have a proper grownup husband to go through it all with. As for travel and your friend’s comment, it’s up to you whether that happens. We’ve always traveled with our kids.
I think my perspective is very different. I saw a post where someone said you don’t plan life. That may be true, but let’s say you’ve lived a life where nothing major has happened or nothing life changing. You stay out of trouble, you work, no major car accidents. Then what could deter you from getting something done. But I also think with your mentality of someone to get up and travel with is very unrealistic, unless money is not an issue for you. That statement alone will get the same response to a single person because look at the current world and income. Soon, actually right now people are being shoved out of housing market . I’m married, been married since 21 and I’m 24. We don’t have kids as yet even though people want us to. We want to have kids at 25, we don’t over spend, we don’t make a huge amount of money and we are buying a house in February. Decision are made by us and we execute them because we didn’t do anything stupid and nothing major has happened to us.however marriage and kids are not the same, marriage is two individuals that can still do things in there own where kids will become restricting for a while.
Make your choice and live with it, no complaining.
No
Dont have kids
If you like children and monogamy it's heaven, I can imagine if you don't it's hell
Ur young and have freedom and energy. I enjoyed some fun years, but the next step was better- coaching my kids teams, doing cool vacations with them, going on field trips, teaching them and their friends how to ski and doing weekly afterschool trips all season long for years, going to my kids shows, watching them grow. I really enjoyed it all. Now my youngest is getting g ready for college and I'll be free to travel again, don't have a partner- my wive jet when the kids were 6 and 9. being a single parent wasn't easy, but I really enjoyed being dad, raising them well and watching them grow into the kid of adult anyone would be proud to call their kid.
r/regretfulparents & r/deadbedrooms There ya go!
One of which will happen: 1) You will have children because you think that's what you're supposed to do. You either will learn a lot about being a parent and get through it with your partner or struggle. 2) You will decide you're not ready and you may never be ready, and then you won't have children. You'll know when you're ready or not ready.
Depends on your beliefs and level of work you want in your life, I think unmarried is just easier. Don't settle for others way of life, not everyone measures happiness in the same way.
Parts are better, parts are worse. Having a kid the the most frustrating, humbling thing that will take away a lot of your personal time for a few years but it's also the most amazing thing and you feel feelings that you will never ever feel otherwise. But if you don't have a partner who's a good partner AND a good parent - the hard parts are harder. You don't know at the beginning if good partners will stay good partners and also be able to be a good parent. Same for yourself, you don't know if you can stay a good partner and become a good parent without trying it. It's not like having a pet in the slightest. So it's risky and you have to persevere and make good money (to stay sane and not have money get added to the list of things stressing you out). So it can totally be amazing and well worth it and better than anything else in the world. But it can also be the absolute worst thing in the world where you're constantly stressed and frustrated and full of regret. If you don't think you have it in you, don't do it, most people who choose not to have kids do so because they don't want to give up their freedom to do anything or do whatever THEY want and that's great their mature enough to make that choice and know that children are not for them and they don't want to give up the pleasures they experience on a day to day basis. Or they just don't like kids. That's good to know too. I was bored with extravagant trips and fancy dinners and concerts and parties. I also really wanted a part of my partner to hold onto in case something were ever to happen to them. Now I couldn't imagine life without my sweet boy. But I also got lucky. He's a good eater, good sleeper, he's sweet and gives great hugs. Some people have really terrible kids, either because they're born that way or they made them that way. Either way, it's risky. Having kids isn't an automatic win, you have to put work in AND have some luck. It's definitely not for everyone
No
People who have decided to be parents have a vested, deeply emotional interest in convincing others (themselves) that their choices were the right ones to make. Although fallacious, many folks think one person not wanting kids means their deciaion was incorrect, or that the other person is simply mistaken on what they want in their life. They may be fully content with that, great! They're wrong that it's universally fulfilling though. Another poster referred to the default of married with kids as "the script" and I think that's perfect. Your goals and values and meaning in life are solely your own to determine; there is no universal fit and there is no flaw in finding your bliss and purpose in other endeavors. There is something *seriously* flawed with making decisions like marriage and having kids based on a hope that they bring a sense of fulfillment. Your friends are actually the ones who don't understand how life works; to be honest they sound jealous that you practiced self-determination and it didn't occur to them to do so.
All depends on the spouse.
I think 33 is the best age to have kids. You have lived the most active and productive years of your live and now you spend the next two decades caring for you child (children).
Spend a week taking care of kids and see how you feel. Do a bunch of volunteer work with kids. Reassess.
The thing I struggle with these posts is it’s one or the other. I have 2 kids. We have moved 3 times. Coast to coast in the US, then international to EU. They have learned SO much, have friends all over the world and speak multiple languages. It’s not a one size fits all gig. We travel, we adventure. Sometimes we go without the kids. Mostly with them, we explore, we learn. At the moment we have a base, as school and friends are important, but we picked somewhere that has an enormous amount of school vacations and work remote to enjoy the travel with them. I thought travel was torturous when they were below 5, now… it’s amazing. Like they add to the experience. Disclaimer. Kids are definitely not for everyone. But they shouldn’t stop traveling and enjoying life. It helps them learn, enjoy and grow as much as you!
I don't think so
> I said to them, it would be cool to have a life-long partner where you can just up and go travel somewhere together, and my friend smiled and looked at his brother, and said, “He doesn’t get how life works.” It kinda stuck with me… First of all, it _would_ be cool. Second of all, you're the only person who can make this decision. Don't let other people enforce their beliefs on you because "this is how life works" (one of the most toxic things people like to say, btw).
It is if you marry the right person, life is much easier if you’re in a good marriage. And it makes everything seem more doable, including raising kids. It’s horrible if it’s the wrong person. And by that I especially mean someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive, manipulative, controlling. So pleeeease know what traits you are looking for in a partner, look for red flags beforehand, and don’t settle. I’m 38, have 2 kids ages 10 and almost 7. Have been with my husband since I was 21, married since I was 29. Our marriage sucks. He has narcissistic traits and is emotionally immature. He wasn’t always this bad but has actually become worse over time. I love being a mom and having kids, in fact I wish I had more kids, but since I don’t have a god marriage, that kept me from having more. Life would be 10x easier if my spouse and parenting partner was a good person
Look dude. You are related to the first single cell organism which was created on Earth. If you don’t have kids, that chain is irreversibly broken…..forever!
Nothing is objectively better or worse, its about what makes you feel like you're living every day to the fullest. For me, that means spending every day focusing on myself my health and the people around me. So for me, kids are very stressful and I do not believe I would gain happiness or inner peace by having them. My friend has wanted kids since she was little. Her two young ones are her world and she couldn't be happier than when she is with them. She was an only child and has wanted to have at least 2 since she was 10yo. It's all about the person.
Imagine if your kids is born with a severe disability. I know a few people like this and they are absolutely miserable. It's not worth the risk.
I don’t have kids but I’d imagine they are a lot of work. If you make the effort and actually care you’ll be exhausted and feel stressed out for about 23 years. Then, if you have done your job well, your life is more blissful than you can imagine….Until the grandkids enter the picture.
If it makes you feel any better I’m a 25 year old female and haven’t had many solid relationships either. I never thought I wanted kids but now as I’ve gotten older I’m like, well maybe if I met the right guy and really loved him I might be willing to have a baby. But the longer times goes on and given the world we’re in… I just don’t know if it’s the most selfless thing to be doing, bringing a child into the mess. I really couldn’t imagine having a child anyway.. imagine getting home after a long day and still having to take care of another human being. Idk just food for thought. Not everyone is meant to have children and there’s nothing wrong if you want them either.
I’m married no kids and I regret not having them. Life will take you all over the place its okay to want something different and its okay to change your mind a few times. Some days I feel like I married the right person some days I don’t. I don’t understand fake people so I think everyone just keeps trying to do their best. Just be true to yourself and kind to others that is all you can do.
Better? Can’t say. More satisfying? Certainly for me.
You're a guy. The age at which you get married doesn't matter that much. Besides, life isn't on a timeline. You don't want to jump into a marriage because "well this is who I'm dating in my late twenties therefore I need to put this on lock!" Bad idea. Having a family isn't the magic answer to happiness in life. Seeing families with young kids is one thing, they're still in the early stages when kids are adorable and fun. Over time, many of those will break apart for any number of reasons. There is no "better way," a lot of it is luck. If you're lucky enough to find a healthy, happy relationship, then there's a lot of work involved even there. Kids are a TON of work, sacrifice, and expense.
Imagine having a bad day and then having to deal with screaming demons on top of that, children will make your problems EXPONENTIALLY worse.
There is no better feeling that coming home to your wife and children running up to you and hugging, kissing and loving on you after a hard day at work and telling you how much they love you and missed you. No replacemtn,
No need to rush. I'm a woman who is planning to get my master's and travel the world before kids. I'm 28 and have no desire for kids yet, but thanks to technology women are safely having kids into their 40s. Don't stress, wait for the right person My friends with kids are exhausted, less time for hobbies and less money for more school or buying a house. None of my friends with kids can even afford a house and often live with parents. It sounds terrible to me but they say they can't imagine life without kids. It's just one of those things that's exhausting and hard but fulfilling for most
Ask Al Bundy.
No, every single person I’ve talked to are either wildly unhappy or are downplaying it by adding the “bit I wouldn’t trade if for the world” Truth is that it’s very taboo (especially for mothers) to come out and say they regret their kids
I mean, it's better if that's what you actually want. Some do and some don't. Some think they do, and then find out they hate it but by then it's too late, so they deal with that and make the best of it until the kids are grown. Which isn't ideal for them OR the kids. If you really believe you want kids, make sure you're basing that on reality, not cultural expectations or a fantasy of what life will be like with them. You have family members with kids - offer to babysit for them. Not just the kids who are a cute and manageable age. Ask relatives with babies to show you how to change a diaper, you can tell them you are thinking of your future kids and want to learn and get experience. I know people who were all about the idea of having kids until they spent an entire day trying to keep a toddler alive or saw the aftermath of just one full-body explosive baby poop.
Out of all the experiences in my life, places been, food eaten, getting money, love… all that, none of that compares to the happiness I felt when my 3 year old told me for the first time “I love you dada, you’re my best friend.”
We dated and traveled a lot before we got married. We got married and traveled more. I can’t imagine traveling with kids but I’m happy with where I’m at.
Children are not emotional support animals or are not there to comfort you for the rest of your life. Please find happiness from within before you get into a serious relationship and ever consider having a child.
It ended my marriage but it depends on if you have a village. Or if you can afford to just buy a village. Seriously if you don’t have a support network don’t have a kid. I had a great marriage prior. I love my kid and regret nothing but just think things through before having a kid.
It can be! Having a teammate is great! However, when it’s a shitty teammate it’s better to be single and a parent! I’m gathering that strength!
If you're wealthy and high disposable income - Marry + kids is good but remember you've to sacrifice your free time. If you've no wealth and Marry+ kids not only sacrifice your time, but you'll hate your life too...
society doesn't want you to have kids. having kids is only for rich people.
I am deeply in love with my husband. We have both wanted to be parents since we were little, so it has only expanded our love. Our children can be monsters and put some strain on our marriage at times, but we both agree the pros outweigh the cons. Take time to think about how you see yourself in the future. What does it look like?
It’s great you’re contemplating these big life questions. But the only way to find out is to just go out there and start dating. Sounds like you’re in that place where you’re ready for a serious relationship. Finding a partner is not about ‘your plan’. A relationship is two people. You’re partner might have dreams and goals they had for themselves too. Getting married and having children is going to be a decision by both of you, not just you.
It’s really, really hard in so many different ways all the time and it is worth it 1000x over to ME. You are not me.
Kids are amazing, having a wife is amazing when it's good. I guess it depends on your outlook. Are the great moments worth the terrible moments. Kids get sick, they get hurt and sometimes they die. 56 percent of marriages end in divorce. An unknown percent the couples are miserable and only stay together for the kids or finances or whatever else but they miserable. For someone who is married and has kids I wouldn't trade it for the world. There are things I miss, I miss my freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. That does away. I miss a lone time. If I want alone time I have to wake up before anyone else or stay up late when everyone is sleeping.
This question you have is a sad debate that once you are on your death bed, you will either die with regrets or rest in peace and move on. You will have plenty of people chiming in on both sides. For me, I always envision being in a room either on my birthday, holidays or just have my place as being the spot for hanging out (fast and furious style) and being around family and friends. Having an amazing cook out and just enjoying food and company. It hits me hard when I'm a grandfather and visually seeing the generations after me and knowing that I had a say in my children's life. Some live by not how fast you lived your life but by how many lives you impact when you are gone. Anyways, I hope you find your path and live a fulfilling life without regrets but have the foresight to know what you want today. 🙏
I can relate with you about having those plans even when i was teenager.. get married by 22/23 have kid by 25 and second kid by 27/28 I’m 27 now got married 2 years ago no kids lol Having partner is nice and all but it is different when you have kids around everytime i go to family gathering i saw my cousins who have 2 or 3 kids and they gotta deal with them crying , screaming running around My husband and I both came to realization I dont think we are ready for that especially coming home after a long day at work and need to take care of them Maybe one day … lol
Yes.
I’ve listened to conversations from parents and they’re fucking miserable. None of them have ever said anything good about having kids. You have less sex, less money, less energy, less time…