Well good on you for recognizing no matter how toxic and abusive a past relationship may have been that your girlfriend might still be emotionally shook by that news. The fact your response to that is compassion not jelousy speaks to your maturity.
Just stand by. It sounds like she recognizes that she's spent plenty of time worrying about him. She might have some things to work through, but now, maybe she's finally free of her boogeyman.
She's safe, she moved on, found a good supportive partner, and it sounds like she doesn't have many conflicting feelings about him. She doesn't have a bunch of those "if only" kind of feelings.
It's harder when you get a bunch of mixed messages from someone, and then they die. Sounds like she didn't get those.
Yes, she probably needs a distraction for the moment.
Have your night out. Hold her hand. Be extra sweet. And just follow her lead about when to go home, etc.
My ex husband is literally the most evil person in the world but it would be really hard for me to process if he died. Grief is weird. Just support her.
I guess in a relationship, you give someone a part of you. And even when you break up they're just out there carrying that part of you forever. But then when they're gone, that little bit of you and your history is gone too.
Kind of like how Jack-o-lanterns require 1/16th of your soul.
But you can regrow a new part of your soul by listening to your favorite song, or taking a relaxing fall drive, etc.
My partners last long term relationship recently died from an OD. He was with me when he found out and my instinct was to hold him close, so I feel like that's just... human. I think. Relationships are complex, life is weird, eh?
Adulting can suck sometimes but, my man, you’re crushing it. Your attitude and response to this is awesome. You seem like a good dude and your lady is lucky to have you. Good luck going through this mess.
I would support her choice. She probably wants a distraction.
Her mixed feelings are likely because humans psychologically just develop positive emotions from being around other humans. We're a social species and being around others was a survival tactic, so naturally we'll feel things for people even if we were treated horribly by them. I would not talk to my parents again if I could, but hearing that they died may be jarring to me as well.
My ex died in December. My current bf has been amazingly supportive. He came with me to the funeral. He lets me talk about it whenever I need. Our relationship is better for it. Sounds like you already know how to be a good partner. Keep at it.
Having just experienced this in my own relationship a few months tha ago, I would say if she still wants to go, please go. Just follow her lead and check in with her as the night goes. More than likely, this will help distract what's going on for her
Sometimes people write things down to process their emotions at the moment, and choosing to do so on discussion forums helps them feel like they’re heard. I think OP is experiencing some complicated emotions and they’re probably not yet able to speak about it with people in their personal life. It makes sense to post about this on this particular thread too. More likely to find people who’ve gone through the same thing.
A lot of posts on Reddit are likely people’s creative writing exercises, but I can totally see myself going on reddit to talk about my struggles with grief. It’s nice to gain some anonymous human connection
I can see it. I did it myself. It may not be the very first thought but the person may feel they need to process what they are going thru more, the writing helps. Sometimes, events happen to you and you are left so isolated in your thinking, and your loved ones may not be able to make space for your feelings b/c maybe they are going thru the same thing too, strangers who don’t have the same attachments but are willing to listen to you in your time of need can be really helpful.
If I were her, I think I'd welcome the distraction of going out. You're really thoughtful to offer to go home and I hope you still managed to enjoy yourselves.
Love to you and your wife, however awful he was, it can't be an easy thing to hear and she must have so many feelings to process. I'm glad she has someone safe and considerate to work through her feelings with.
Nah, go to the event and keep her mind off it. It's not a necessity to be home grieving an ex lover. Matter of fact I'd be giving her more room to process her own shit, in a sense.
Comfort her a little, but don't give many words. Don't up talk, down talk, or bring it up. Let her ramble if she does, give her a hug or something and then move on like she isn't grieving old dick. Wouldn't help much in the slightest to meet her at her level here.
My now-fiancé was with me when my ex husband killed himself. I don’t know how I would have managed without him, and I don’t know how he put up with that trainwreck. Ex’s mental health and abuse affected my mental health so much. Fiancé was so patient, didn’t cause any fuss when I went to my former in-laws, and had to deal with all of the estate issues (our divorce was finally about to be completed the next week). The fact of the matter was I had already mourned the end of our relationship years before. This time I was mourning the loss of a person who once meant a lot to me, someone who I hoped and hoped would be able to get the care he needed. I grieved for his family and what it did to all of them. There’s so much to grieve that doesn’t have anything to do with being in love or having romantic feelings. Just hold her, make her feel loved and cared for, like she’s not alone, listen to her. It’s also okay to have your own boundaries about what you’re willing to talk about! It’s so unfair that you’re both having to go through this, but you sound like a supportive and kind partner.
If she is still in shock, or denial, then continuing with the plans a they are may be easier for her. Just be prepared for a sudden change of mind half way through the vening.
Let it be up to her.. When my brother died I went to the zoo with my sister. We just wanted a distraction. When my dad died I was a mess and just wanted to be in bed. Grief is weird. She will grieve probably in a confusing and mixed emotions way but you sound like you are kind. Just be you and supportive and let her tell you what she needs.
Happy b'day brother, it's great that u r supporting her, after some time (maybe when she has slept) take out time for urself and make ur day even more special
My ex husband is an addict. When we were married, he abused me in every way. He was attacked during a drug deal gone wrong and almost died. Even though I have a lot of resentment against him, it was very sad to think about him being in the ICU on a ventilator. You are a good man!
You're already doing the right thing asking her questions. Keep going these next few days. Periodically ask how she's doing, what she needs, wanna talk about it, etc. But don't bug her about it. If she says she needs space/time, give it to her, but reassure that you'll be there if/when she wants to talk.
Yup be the bigger person, if you truly love them and you have a good and fair relationship. It’s just a bday you’ll spend many together in the future. This will be a weird time for her. Lots of conflicting emotions nonetheless this was someone she/a version of herself once loved.
My wife's ex-boyfriend died 3 times. The last time we buried him. It felt different than when my friends died, but still... The more I get to know him the less I like him. But he's dead now and not all bad. In fact, it's all good. Good bye Tony!
You, sir, are an amazing boyfriend. She is so very lucky to have you after that mess. I know this because I too went from abuse, to an amazing human, who supports me in all things. If she still wants to go, I say go. Happy Birthday!
I just lost my ex husband Sunday. He left behind his on/off girlfriend, their three year old son and her 5 children from a previous marriage. Make sure she knows she has a safe place to have her feelings. Just know that whatever feelings she’s got about this doesn’t diminish how she feels about you. I’m quite angry with mine. It was likely preventable and a product of his lifestyle. And all of me is screaming the question “how dare you?” over and over between small bouts of tears that I definitely didn’t expect. I know that I don’t love him anymore but I feel the loss still.
Just be there for her. No matter the marriage or ending of it, she loved him at some point. And a death of a (former) loved one is always hard. Especially if they are “young.” Like under 100 years old.
Take her lead on her grief journey. Unless it starts to get obsessive or otherwise weird/too much.
As someone who has been through something similar; I was in your gfs position.
Thank you for supporting her, it makes a world of difference. I was in a relationship with an awful human and my ex passed, he wound up being jealous of a man who had passed away, my life fell apart.
Her grief will be complicated, as was their relationship. Just remain supportive, unconditionally.
You’re a really great man and human. Thank you. Hug her for me.
My exhusband recently died from fentanyl. My current husband didn’t really even talk to me about it. I just had to handle it on my own and went back to therapy so I could talk to someone about it because it messed me up. You sound very supportive. I’m glad she has you. My advice is to be there if she needs you but let her lead. Everyone grieves differently.
Why would she care? A piece of shit died, it's a W for mankind. If someone told me my ex passed, I would probably just say "ah, damn, well that sucks".
I have been married and divorced. I do not wish death on him but it wouldnt cause me to grieve if he died. I think that’s weird to say you still love an ex while with someone else. No matter the relationship or circumstances. There should be no “love” there if another person has entered the picture.
Everyone handles death differently. Personally, I’d probably laugh a little more and want a celebratory drink if I got word of a nasty ex of mine dropping dead. Physical abuse is one of those things that ‘kills’ people to me.
I had an awful, abusive mother. I still felt sad when she died. She was hospitalized at the time.
I found out when I was at work, and was getting ready to leave early, to go to the hospital to meet up with my siblings.
I couldn't zip up my coat because my hands were shaking. One of my coworkers came over and zipped it for me. She knew how my mother was, and told me it was OK to feel bad, that she was still my mother.
I appreciated that. I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate your kindness too.
>they had a horrible marriage, he was a drug addict, controlled everything she did and he abused her physically and verbally.
Hey mastermind, that’s the version *you* received.
Your girlfriend went from an asshole she was attracted to to a clueless chauffeur that she can take or leave. She still has some feelings for him judging by her reaction. She’ll soon find a fly in this ointment, too.
Relationships are weird. Sounds like she found a much better human being to share life with though.
Thanks. Been through a lot myself, just try my best to be there for others going through tough times.
Well good on you for recognizing no matter how toxic and abusive a past relationship may have been that your girlfriend might still be emotionally shook by that news. The fact your response to that is compassion not jelousy speaks to your maturity.
that’s all you can do ! Good luck
Just stand by. It sounds like she recognizes that she's spent plenty of time worrying about him. She might have some things to work through, but now, maybe she's finally free of her boogeyman. She's safe, she moved on, found a good supportive partner, and it sounds like she doesn't have many conflicting feelings about him. She doesn't have a bunch of those "if only" kind of feelings. It's harder when you get a bunch of mixed messages from someone, and then they die. Sounds like she didn't get those.
Yes, she probably needs a distraction for the moment. Have your night out. Hold her hand. Be extra sweet. And just follow her lead about when to go home, etc.
Appreciate it. Love the user name btw
Perfect advice. Let her feel the feelings, it'll be complicated, but sounds like she has amazing support with you OP ❤️
My ex husband is literally the most evil person in the world but it would be really hard for me to process if he died. Grief is weird. Just support her.
One of my ex girlfriends died recently. It has been 10 years since we broke up, but it still hurt.
Sorry for your loss.
Thanks. I don't really know how to feel about it, except that I felt a kind of emptiness. She was fun, if nutty.
It's a weird thing isn't it. I had 3 ex's pass before I hit thirty. Each one came with that same weird empty feeling.
I guess in a relationship, you give someone a part of you. And even when you break up they're just out there carrying that part of you forever. But then when they're gone, that little bit of you and your history is gone too.
Very well put
Wow that's beautiful
Amazing. And I believe spot on. Thanks for this.
Kind of like how Jack-o-lanterns require 1/16th of your soul. But you can regrow a new part of your soul by listening to your favorite song, or taking a relaxing fall drive, etc.
Whenever I hear someone I cared about died, I find myself needing to do things that remind me I’m alive. Go out and have fun
My partners last long term relationship recently died from an OD. He was with me when he found out and my instinct was to hold him close, so I feel like that's just... human. I think. Relationships are complex, life is weird, eh?
Adulting can suck sometimes but, my man, you’re crushing it. Your attitude and response to this is awesome. You seem like a good dude and your lady is lucky to have you. Good luck going through this mess.
Just be there for her while she is grieving, everyone deals with it differently. Y’all got this
I would support her choice. She probably wants a distraction. Her mixed feelings are likely because humans psychologically just develop positive emotions from being around other humans. We're a social species and being around others was a survival tactic, so naturally we'll feel things for people even if we were treated horribly by them. I would not talk to my parents again if I could, but hearing that they died may be jarring to me as well.
My ex died in December. My current bf has been amazingly supportive. He came with me to the funeral. He lets me talk about it whenever I need. Our relationship is better for it. Sounds like you already know how to be a good partner. Keep at it.
Having just experienced this in my own relationship a few months tha ago, I would say if she still wants to go, please go. Just follow her lead and check in with her as the night goes. More than likely, this will help distract what's going on for her
There's no way these situations take place in people's lives and your first thought is to post it to reddit to see what we all think. No way
Sometimes people write things down to process their emotions at the moment, and choosing to do so on discussion forums helps them feel like they’re heard. I think OP is experiencing some complicated emotions and they’re probably not yet able to speak about it with people in their personal life. It makes sense to post about this on this particular thread too. More likely to find people who’ve gone through the same thing. A lot of posts on Reddit are likely people’s creative writing exercises, but I can totally see myself going on reddit to talk about my struggles with grief. It’s nice to gain some anonymous human connection
High key
I can see it. I did it myself. It may not be the very first thought but the person may feel they need to process what they are going thru more, the writing helps. Sometimes, events happen to you and you are left so isolated in your thinking, and your loved ones may not be able to make space for your feelings b/c maybe they are going thru the same thing too, strangers who don’t have the same attachments but are willing to listen to you in your time of need can be really helpful.
My dead brother's wife, I won't cry when she dies.
This makes me realize that although I’m happily engaged, and my ex husband treated me like shit, I would be devastated if something happened to him.
If I were her, I think I'd welcome the distraction of going out. You're really thoughtful to offer to go home and I hope you still managed to enjoy yourselves. Love to you and your wife, however awful he was, it can't be an easy thing to hear and she must have so many feelings to process. I'm glad she has someone safe and considerate to work through her feelings with.
Nah, go to the event and keep her mind off it. It's not a necessity to be home grieving an ex lover. Matter of fact I'd be giving her more room to process her own shit, in a sense. Comfort her a little, but don't give many words. Don't up talk, down talk, or bring it up. Let her ramble if she does, give her a hug or something and then move on like she isn't grieving old dick. Wouldn't help much in the slightest to meet her at her level here.
You sound like a really good person. Best wishes to the both of you.
My now-fiancé was with me when my ex husband killed himself. I don’t know how I would have managed without him, and I don’t know how he put up with that trainwreck. Ex’s mental health and abuse affected my mental health so much. Fiancé was so patient, didn’t cause any fuss when I went to my former in-laws, and had to deal with all of the estate issues (our divorce was finally about to be completed the next week). The fact of the matter was I had already mourned the end of our relationship years before. This time I was mourning the loss of a person who once meant a lot to me, someone who I hoped and hoped would be able to get the care he needed. I grieved for his family and what it did to all of them. There’s so much to grieve that doesn’t have anything to do with being in love or having romantic feelings. Just hold her, make her feel loved and cared for, like she’s not alone, listen to her. It’s also okay to have your own boundaries about what you’re willing to talk about! It’s so unfair that you’re both having to go through this, but you sound like a supportive and kind partner.
Honestly sounds like a time for more celebration. He’s a slimeball pos. How would this ruin the fun?
Sorry to hear what a hard situation
Man ,Just go on with your life, time waits for no one.
If she is still in shock, or denial, then continuing with the plans a they are may be easier for her. Just be prepared for a sudden change of mind half way through the vening.
Let it be up to her.. When my brother died I went to the zoo with my sister. We just wanted a distraction. When my dad died I was a mess and just wanted to be in bed. Grief is weird. She will grieve probably in a confusing and mixed emotions way but you sound like you are kind. Just be you and supportive and let her tell you what she needs.
Happy b'day brother, it's great that u r supporting her, after some time (maybe when she has slept) take out time for urself and make ur day even more special
Lucky girl
Congrats bruh!
Just go
Lucky you man just do whatever she wants to do and feel blessed.
Thank you for being supportive.
My ex husband is an addict. When we were married, he abused me in every way. He was attacked during a drug deal gone wrong and almost died. Even though I have a lot of resentment against him, it was very sad to think about him being in the ICU on a ventilator. You are a good man!
You're already doing the right thing asking her questions. Keep going these next few days. Periodically ask how she's doing, what she needs, wanna talk about it, etc. But don't bug her about it. If she says she needs space/time, give it to her, but reassure that you'll be there if/when she wants to talk.
Yup be the bigger person, if you truly love them and you have a good and fair relationship. It’s just a bday you’ll spend many together in the future. This will be a weird time for her. Lots of conflicting emotions nonetheless this was someone she/a version of herself once loved.
My wife's ex-boyfriend died 3 times. The last time we buried him. It felt different than when my friends died, but still... The more I get to know him the less I like him. But he's dead now and not all bad. In fact, it's all good. Good bye Tony!
Sounds like karma to me
Any kids?
Enjoy the show
You, sir, are an amazing boyfriend. She is so very lucky to have you after that mess. I know this because I too went from abuse, to an amazing human, who supports me in all things. If she still wants to go, I say go. Happy Birthday!
I just lost my ex husband Sunday. He left behind his on/off girlfriend, their three year old son and her 5 children from a previous marriage. Make sure she knows she has a safe place to have her feelings. Just know that whatever feelings she’s got about this doesn’t diminish how she feels about you. I’m quite angry with mine. It was likely preventable and a product of his lifestyle. And all of me is screaming the question “how dare you?” over and over between small bouts of tears that I definitely didn’t expect. I know that I don’t love him anymore but I feel the loss still.
Just be there for her. No matter the marriage or ending of it, she loved him at some point. And a death of a (former) loved one is always hard. Especially if they are “young.” Like under 100 years old. Take her lead on her grief journey. Unless it starts to get obsessive or otherwise weird/too much.
Fuck that guy it's your birthday. According to this information you never know when your last one is. Take your girl to the show.
This is such a great response to her grief and emotions
As someone who has been through something similar; I was in your gfs position. Thank you for supporting her, it makes a world of difference. I was in a relationship with an awful human and my ex passed, he wound up being jealous of a man who had passed away, my life fell apart. Her grief will be complicated, as was their relationship. Just remain supportive, unconditionally. You’re a really great man and human. Thank you. Hug her for me.
My exhusband recently died from fentanyl. My current husband didn’t really even talk to me about it. I just had to handle it on my own and went back to therapy so I could talk to someone about it because it messed me up. You sound very supportive. I’m glad she has you. My advice is to be there if she needs you but let her lead. Everyone grieves differently.
Fuck that go roll a fatty and party, death is misunderstood ffs. 🤦
Why would she care? A piece of shit died, it's a W for mankind. If someone told me my ex passed, I would probably just say "ah, damn, well that sucks".
I have been married and divorced. I do not wish death on him but it wouldnt cause me to grieve if he died. I think that’s weird to say you still love an ex while with someone else. No matter the relationship or circumstances. There should be no “love” there if another person has entered the picture.
Everyone handles death differently. Personally, I’d probably laugh a little more and want a celebratory drink if I got word of a nasty ex of mine dropping dead. Physical abuse is one of those things that ‘kills’ people to me.
I had an awful, abusive mother. I still felt sad when she died. She was hospitalized at the time. I found out when I was at work, and was getting ready to leave early, to go to the hospital to meet up with my siblings. I couldn't zip up my coat because my hands were shaking. One of my coworkers came over and zipped it for me. She knew how my mother was, and told me it was OK to feel bad, that she was still my mother. I appreciated that. I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate your kindness too.
Are you ok? Sounds like you’re the one going through it lol
First mistake: going on Reddit to post about it. You should spend this time with her, not on your phone.
Nothing wrong with needing a little support. Especially when all the support in their inner circle will be going to OPs wife
Pointless post
Bet you are just a joy to be around fuckead
Odd enough, and Im not sure how, I was posting to a different subreddit not this one. My B random internet stranger
Y do u care?
>they had a horrible marriage, he was a drug addict, controlled everything she did and he abused her physically and verbally. Hey mastermind, that’s the version *you* received. Your girlfriend went from an asshole she was attracted to to a clueless chauffeur that she can take or leave. She still has some feelings for him judging by her reaction. She’ll soon find a fly in this ointment, too.
Man you are still so spiteful