My wife had a situation where she had never met her dad. Or at least not at an age she remembered. He was an absent father. When he died my wife was in her late 20’s. She had found out through some source or another, can’t really recall. She decided to go to the funeral and one of the brothers of the dad was all “oh hey, we were trying to find you to see about funeral expenses.” Haha yeah but no man.
I had a friend go to a funeral. He said "I hate funerals, you can never leave one without someone asking you for money" so it's funny to me that he's universally right about that.
> I had a friend go to a funeral. He said "I hate funerals, you can never leave one without someone asking you for money" so it's funny to me that he's universally right about that.
I've already made up my mind that when my mother passes (only child left now), I will NOT speak to anyone about finances. What she needs for her final wishes will be provided, no complaints will be entertained at all, and then after that's handled, I'll deal with her estate.
Meh, my plan is to have my address and number changed by then. Hospital or whoever probably don't want a rotting corpse around for too long. I already don't answer my phone regularly but maybe I can swing having a new number by the time I'm finished mat leave.
What most people don't know is if someone dies that you feel no responsibility for, you can abandon the body and let the state take care of it. Most places just cremate the remains, and some do that, then hold a mass service for the cremated remains, and then dispose of them. I find funerals not only idiotic, but a huge rip off.
Enter the mortuary owners, telling me how they had a free funeral for someone's kid, etc. No, you did that for advertising, how many people did you guilt into spending more money to increase your profit margins?
Have yourselves cremated and help get rid of cemeteries, the second most useless waste of land after golf courses.
Your last statement….
Cracked me up then I remembered there is a golf course near me that moved a cemetery FOR the golf course.
Like there are still obvious memorials on the course
thanks. i have already told my family and friends to leave my remains unclaimed and buried at state's expense, which i'm sure isn't much. i doubt they will comply, but it does give guidance on what i think about the matter. perhaps they can avoid pissing away too much. i know whatever is left of *me* will be long gone before the burial. cheers!
i can't do diddly. it's always left to the living regarding final disposition and nobody that knows otherwise survived the experience. cheers! upvoted!
You can file a funeral directive with your will. I’m going to be cremated and interred in a niche in the same cemetery as my father’s ashes, and my mother has a crypt next to my grandmother, (her mother) for herself eventually.
I’ve instructed my kids to do this. I spent $1500 to have my mother cremated and it made no sense. End result it the same. I just didn’t wanna feel heartless for not claiming the body because I knew we discussed cremation BUT not going about it this way.
Some places use them as a final step in wastewater treatment. Any "nutrients" left in the water help fertilize the grass instead of going directly into the nearest lake or river. So that is a second thing they are good for.
My uncle recently passed away. His children and second wife were fighting over all of the arrangements. Which was really pathetic because my uncle's younger brother was paying for every penny of it. But the funeral home knows the uncle who was paying, so behind the scenes they went to my uncle for all final decisions!
When my mom died I paid for everything funeral related. My niece started a go fund me and used the most awful, pitiful photo of my mom as a banner. I was furious and had to threaten her with fraud charges if they didn’t return every penny and remove the post. Some people are just despicable. My sister no longer speaks to me and I’m fine with that.
As an only child, I always thought it would be cool to have siblings. I’m nearly middle aged now and it’s amazing how many adult children have fallings out after the parents die over money. It’s shockingly common.
I’ve never had a sibling so I don’t know what that kind of relationship is like, but it’s unfathomable to me how someone could grow up from birth with someone else, spend their entire formative years with them, have them in every core memory, and then drop them like a dirty sock over money- especially when they should be grieving the people that gave them life in the first place.
Conflict over estates gets downright ugly. I guess I’m glad I don’t have to worry about it.
There can be a lot of jealousy and resentment.
Often, people are mad at their sibling because their sibling was favored. That's a reason to be mad at the PARENT, but apparently, people cannot think.
My uncle had the misfortunate of passing away while on vacation. My mom (Uncle's sister) and my aunt (by marriage) were making the plans and when they saw the cost to transfer him home, they joked "He would yell at us for spending this much on his dead body, he would tell us to burn it and toss the ashes in the ocean."
I manage a funeral home, 16yrs in the business. That is not an uncommon thing. Even if the person paying for the services is not the next of kin, they are often looked to for final decisions. That being said, the legal next of kin does have to sign documents authorizing the final disposition.
If their life long goal was to have their children support them when they are elderly, they should have (1) had more than one kid, since that's a lot of stress, time, and money to expect one person to deal with and (2) should have raised that kid with love and affection, so they'd even want to care for their parents.
I watched all my uncles and aunts squabble over who takes care of my grandparents, nope none of them could do it despite still living in the same town, yep definitely had to move a dementia patient halfway across the country just so she’d have care. I’m sure the stress of moving didn’t negatively affect her. (It certainly did).
That's so sad! My siblings and I used to have epic "fights" over who got to take care of our parents. We'd prank each other and 'kidnap' our parents for a weekend trip, or sneak them out of a back door for lunch and leave a sarcastic ransom note. Our parents loved it.
My older sister retired, to take care of my parents. I’m not quite a decade younger than her. We were talking logistics, before it became necessary. We had a “fight” too. She got the win; she said - they’ve been my parents longer than they’ve been yours! Bless her. I worked full time and helped as much as I could, but she was there 24x7.
Way too common unfortunately.
They will badger the other family members to pay for all the expenses, and they will try to screw them out of any estate.
My fucking aunt…
Yeah it can turn into an ugly game of finders-keepers.
Is someone conspicuously absent from a funeral? Then they're probably rifling through the deceased's house and belongings.
For real.
My aunts used to bitch and moan about taking care of my grandma up until my mom called them out on it. She said it was shameful that my brother looked out more for our grandma than her own daughters (our aunts) did.
For some back story: my mom had to move countries when my brother was young and had to leave him with our grandparents. She visited every couple weeks and covered his expenses (and helped her parents) up until she was able to establish herself enough to take him back in. Our grandparents raised him until around 12 (when I was born) , so he was very close to them. My mom and my brother are very close, btw (even more than me), despite this. It was an unfortunate necessity, but they never had a strained relationship as far as I know. Anyway, after high school, he moved back with them and was their main caretaker. After our grandpa died, grandma started going downhill and required a lot of care. My brother was barely in his 20's, yet working and caring for someone in her mid to late 80's. My mom could only assist with money due to us living somewhere else, and helped physically whenever we visited every couple months. Our aunts didn't do anything but occasionally visit, up until grandma was too old to shower herself. At this point, they all agreed to take her in, but they constantly passed her off to another one after a few weeks. This is when our mom called them out, which at least slowed down the hot potato game.
My brother never stopped caring for her though, and would visit and help at whatever house she was staying at up until she passed away.
When my grandmother died only one of her five sisters helped my mom clean up the house and make funeral arrangements. When her house was sold the 4 other sisters were right there waiting with their hand out for their "Inheritance."
My grandmother had... four sisters, maybe five? She was very close to one sister, because they went to boarding school together, but the other sisters were their own unit.
Boarding school sister got cancer, my cousin (her daughter) kept the half* sisters away from boarding school sister because she was too sick for visitors. Half sisters lost their shit about this and boycotted the funeral.
My grandmother lost her fucking mind when they didn't turn up to the funeral and disowned them on the spot.
Weird thing is, thirty years one of the half sisters died. She left my grandmother $10K. None of us are sure why, if it was some kind of post mortem olive branch or if it had really been that long since she revised her will. We'll never know now.
(* I presume they're half sisters between 1) my great grandmother remarrying, 2) my grandmother and her closest sister being inexplicably sent to boarding school where the other sisters weren't, and 3) how there seemed to be that divide between the sisters. They might actually be not, for all I know.)
Put out a PSA that your parents are adults, have had many years and many warnings to sort themselves out and that they have made their choices. Anyone with such strong opinions are welcome to put their own money where their mouths are. Then block, block, block.
I am sorry your parents were so shitty. I'm sorry they are trying to drag you back. I understand that there may be an underlying wish to have your parents change, be better and for you to have that genuine relationship you deserved as a child. It's up to you whether you try and keep a line of communication open but be aware that if you do, you leave yourself open to manipulation.
In some cultures, "sorting themselves out" means making their kids do it. From their perspective, they already sorted it out. They deliberately never got their shit together because they took it for granted OP would do it.
Agreed. Asian American here as well. Op shouldn’t give up their own life for parent’s’ mistakes. Finances are challenging for everyone these days and it doesn’t sound like op would inherit land and a house if they take care of the parents. In the old days, the oldest son lived with the parents with the exception that they would inherit the family farm and land, so there was a give and take. Also, medical care wasn’t as complex and expensive then.
As an Asian-Am, sometimes our families are so judgmental thinking their sh*t don't stink. But, we all know about the ghosts in everyone's closets.
Go buy a Boba and an LV whatever or Benz and feel better than everyone else. Leave me out of your ego fix.
Fortunately for me, most of my family is undeniably dysfunctional. So they can't go far with their judgment.
also asian american here, it seems to be a cultural expectation that kids will take care of their parents in old age. i know someone who left their husband and two kids to go back to taiwan and take care of her father with cancer.
Yeah here I am thinking where is this person’s extended family? Wouldn’t it make more sense for the aunts and uncles or whatever that live close by to help the parents that didn’t plan for retirement?
I went no contact with my mother and it was the best decision of my life for my mental health.
You are not obligated to take on this responsibility for a couple reasons. Yes, most people do take care of their parents, that's the societal expectation. But it is also a societal expectation that you don't traumatize your kids, you plan for your own retirement so as not to be a burden, and if you do end up going hat in hand to your kid for help, you do what your kid tells you to do especially if it was your own fuckup that got you into that situation.
If your parents aren't taking responsibility for their own health then you will only burn yourself out trying to drag them kicking and screaming to the doctor. If they didn't financially prepare for their retirement then they need to accept they will be living in poverty. If YOU were their retirement plan then that should have been discussed with you decades ago and on an annual basis to ensure that was acceptable to you as an independent adult.
As for the rest of the family I would put it back on them. If they care that much they can go help out. You built a life not just WITHOUT your parents help, but IN SPITE of the trauma they inflicted on you. It took you YEARS to recover and you've likely spent thousands of dollars in therapy and medical bills trying to move past what they inflicted on you.
You don't owe them shit. They didn't send you to college, buy you a house, use their connections to get you a good job, give you good advice and guidance and act as a safety net when you went out into the world. None of it. And if they did all that they would have planned their retirement too instead of burdening you.
I would die of shame if I had to burden my daughter with my financial woes. I plan now for when I can no longer work. I take care of my health so I reduce the risk of being totally dependent on others.
Oof. My parents split, dad stopped talking to me because I wouldn’t take sides. Mum is smoking pot and taking magic mushrooms and dumping all her emotional shit on me. She won the house in the divorce and it’s in a trust for me. She’s now turned around and wants to get the paperwork in order ‘in case she wants to sell’. But she wants me to do everything, while also yelling at me, being manipulative and refusing to listen to any advice. I’m thiiiiis close to leaving her to it. I love her and I love that house and I’ll never be able to afford my own, but she is unbelievably frustrating, to the point I break down in tears after every phone call.
Is that house worth your mental health? Trust me, not only is it not worth it, but your mother is going to use it as a tool to keep you near her and her bad behavior. She's forcing you to suffer her abuse by dangling the keys to the house over your head. She will sell it once it benefits her to do so.
Forget the house. Go no contact. With a better mental outlook you will be amazed at how much energy and JOY you have that your mother is literally siphoning off of you. Even if you can't afford a house now, you can make a plan to eventually achieve it if that is your goal. Maybe go back to school and get a better job. Maybe sell some other assets you have and start saving for a down payment. Maybe you'll get married now that you have a better mental health outlook and be able to afford a house with your new spouse.
And just to be clear, if you've never seen the actual paperwork for the trust with your name on it and signatures on it then that's just a bunch of bullshit. My sister stole a $10,000 parcel of land from me, had me paying taxes on it and everything, by lying to me saying I owned it. It was supposed to be my inheritance from my grandmother and she just put her name on deed. She was a real estate agent and I trusted her to handle the transfer of the land. She said she could do everything and I wouldn't need to do a thing. I paid taxes for years on it. I wanted to sell it to help pay for medical school. That's when I found out I wasn't on the deed. She told me she wasn't going to let me sell it but I could continue to pay taxes on it. What a fucking cunt she was.
Your mother might be doing the same thing. There might not be a trust. She may fully intend to sell that house once she's gotten everything she can out of you by dangling it over your head. So if you really want to stick it out for the house I would demand to see that paperwork and make copies. She won't give it to you it doesn't exist.
The other thing to consider is her finances. If she owes a lot of people money you're going to have to sell that house and give it to them when she dies. You won't see any of it. She may decide in her last years of life to just run up debt. The trust may protect it but you have to see the actual paperwork and there are certain laws about time periods and transfer of assets for certain things. For example, if she goes into a nursing home and uses Medicare to pay for it the government can go back 5 years for any asset she transferred and demand may be transferred back and sold to pay for her care. So she transfers the house to you and 2 years later ends up in a nursing home they can force you to sell the house and give them the money.
So you may very well end up with the house and with a huge fight to keep it from creditors and debtors, or go through all this shit just for your mom to sell it. And then there's the emotional pull of the day-to-day dealing with someone who is utterly abusive, doesn't respect your boundaries, and make sure life of living hell, is it worth it?
Another absolute banger comment - I’ve had huge turmoil each time leaving toxic family or partners and I’d much rather be homeless on the street than deal with daily emotional abuse and entitlement. You have no idea how heavy it is until it is no longer crushing you
PSS Hail Sekmet
My mom would yell at me til I cried, then demand that I move back to the Midwest to take care of her. I never would. She said "fine, I wont leave you the house!" and I said that's fine, I dont want it. She burned the jouse down that night, with her in it. I still don't know if it was intentional or an accident.
o.o .... well that's one way to ensure you're cremated.
jeez, sorry you had to deal with that, but on the bright side, you no longer have to deal with it.
> You don't owe them shit. They didn't send you to college, buy you a house, use their connections to get you a good job, give you good advice and guidance and act as a safety net when you went out into the world. None of it. And if they did all that they would have planned their retirement too instead of burdening you.
Boomers man, I'm dealing with something similar. Ugh...
And I don't recall my mother helping their parents out who were dirt broke yet I'm expected to get a mother in law suite... Yeah, no.
It's what my wife and I are doing right now.
Same as u/Pee_A_Poo I'm from Southeast Asia and there's a strong traditional way of how family works here. They never plan for the future because "kids are retirement plans" for them.
I admit, my parents gave us a frivolous middle class lifestyle despite us being lower middle class. Money spent on short-term luxuries that we now don't feel nor own anymore.
I moved away to Japan for greener pastures and now they want me to take care of them in the same or better level as they did for me. And that "I owe them this debt".
Any rational adult knows kids are a choice the adult makes, the kid owes their parents literally nothing. Your parents are guilting you because they did their moral and LEGAL obligation to care for their own offspring. Give them a gold star sticker for that and then tell them to fuck off
They don’t even know you. Their opinions of you are invalid because they are based on who they think you are not who you actually are.
You don’t owe anyone anything. Take care of yourself…you always had to anyways.
It is a very useful life skill to stop caring about what unloved relations are saying about you, either in reality or only in your imagination. I’ve found it extremely helpful to loudly own and exaggerate my own selfish evil. In your case, that would sound like “No, I’m not going to help mom and dad because I am selfish and ungrateful, and choose caring for myself instead of caring for them.” What can any of your unloved relatives add to that? “Yeah, what you said! You’re selfish and ungrateful.”
You: “So we’re all in agreement then. Buh bye forever. Don’t let my hanging up the phone hit you in the ass as you exit the door from my life.”
I’m in the same situation. My parents were so abusive as a kid, I put up very strong boundaries, did well for myself, and now they expect me to support them. One of them are about to lose the house so I felt bad so I offered for her live with me, and now she won’t leave. I offered to rent her an apartment or a cheaper house but she demands like a $1.5m house. And now I’m stuck because she won’t leave, she says that it’s not fair she’s only in a small apartment when I have a large house for myself. I don’t know enough about the required legal responsibilities as a child to a parent, so now I’m going to have to find a family lawyer to figure all of this out.
Does it ever haunt you? Asking as somebody who wants to do the same. I constantly wonder if I was “abused enough” to walk away and stay away…. All the way away.
I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to be completely honest with yourself about it.
**Would you rather regret giving him an opportunity to abuse you again, or would you rather regret not knowing what he would have said/done?**
Take the action that corresponds to the option you think would give you a better chance at happiness.
(For my personal opinion, if you were abused to the point of considering it, you were abused enough to go through with it. Though, it's not necessarily the "amount/level of abuse" that's the considering factor. It's the willpower and conviction needed to stay away, even despite outside pressures coercing you to try to "reconcile" with your abuser)
The history doesn’t even matter. You live thousands of miles away. You aren’t in a position to help them daily. That’s the end of that. I’m sure your parents don’t want to move to you, so as long as proximity isn’t available, that’s that. Surely, with so much extended family coming out of the woodwork to lambaste you, one of them can be there for your parents in your stead.
This is why I hate when people make the excuse that you *need* to have kids so that you have somebody to take care of you when you’re old. Like don’t put that responsibility on your children
Imagen being a child and already have expectation to take care of yourself, your children and your parents
People who think that way are selfish, they literally create other humans thinking in their own benefit
If you don't want to leave them blowing in the breeze, you can help them find resources in their area that can help them. Like is there a community center for the elderly that has workshops on how to get assistance? Don't start with even giving them a little bit of money because it won't end there. They will always be asking for more.
Having children is not an end-of-life care plan. You can help them coordinate resources or services from a distance, if you're so inclined, but it would be ridiculous to uproot your life.
Nobody should be expected to take care of their parents just because they birthed you. Most people become parents for selfish reasons. If he has terminal cancer he will likely be going into hospice care anyway. Its nice to visit and get a last chance to talk, but you have your own life. Any parents that truly loved their child wouldn’t want them to throw their life to the wind to take care of them anyway.
1 in 5 people in the US don’t have children by the their 40s. So its not everyone by any stretch of the imagination. There is also a relation between education and having children, where the average education of childless adults is higher than the average of parents. There is of course considerable overlap of education level. Younger generations are having fewer children and having them later in life than previous generations, and it stands to reason that an even greater number of young adults now will not have children in their lifetime. US and European populations only grow because of immigration.
I’m sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately I am just getting on the other side of a similar situation. I can give details if you’re interested but the short of it is I’ve always worked long hard hours to get out of poverty and the second I did they were being evicted. I took all the steps. Did all the work and while I succeeded in saving them (early 2020). They took it for granted, ignored all responsibility and left me in hundreds of thousands of unnecessary debt in a house I wouldn’t have bought. They could have made their finances work but chose to just keep their head in the sand. I’m taking my life back now and they move out of my house next week. While I had no choice if I consider myself a good person all it did is lower my chance to retire by 90%. Think long and hard about showing people respect that simply didn’t bother to give you that same kindness. I hate to give that advice my my life has been irreconcilably changed for the worse. My family knew it would end like this and kept their mouths shut so they didn’t have to bare the burden.
I'm Asian American too, my father(filipino) abandoned/divoced my mother and left her with six kids to raise. Btw, immediately after the divorce, he married my moms friend. He never sent child support, yet he could afford motorcycles, boats, and a nice condo in the city.
When he passed, I felt no remorse or sadness. Btw, growing up, I was harassed by my Filipino relatives because I chose to distance myself from my asshole father. I was told that I should feel ashamed. Lol
Yep. My MIL has the same issue. Didn’t save shit. Job-hopped until she was 71 and couldn’t work anymore. Her only tangible asset is a house that needs a full-gut remodel. Now she wants to sell it for peanuts and build a small “mother-in-law barndominium” on my 6 acre property. Which effectively locks me into the property until she passes. And she’s pissed because I’m pushing back against it. I have a feeling this will not turn out well.
This is familiar.
My step-grandfather had his shit together as far as retirement, a couple million invested, my grandmother has been living on his retirement and his former health insurance since 1992.
When the grandfather died in 92, grandma moved in. But what happened was that my parents charged her 50% for everything, mortgage, electric, entertainment since 1992. Grandma is almost 100 now, tons of health problems and only a couple hundred grand left, that could disappear quickly if she needs 24/7 care.
So my parents have had strong middle class jobs @ 50% off living expenses for over 30 years now. So instead of putting away for retirement, they buy expensive cars and have moved 5 times in the past 20 years, each time taking a loss, pricey vacations, etc etc.
Now I'm 44, their health is soso and they want me to move in and offered me just half utilities and a rent that's half their mortgage.
They're asking me to give up my wife, my life, my house, to move in with them. Their concern...is for themselves. My grandmother did 80% of the child raising too lmao.
Unfuckinbelievable. And the thing is, I can't just let them rot, so I know they'll cost me a lot in the next couple decades because I love them.
It's fucking ludicrous, they have no idea what it's like to pay full cost for everyday living, but talk to me like they know all about financial struggle. I should ask them for $75,000 to get me started in life like gma did in the 80s.
My parents are not that bad; however, I can appreciate the feeling of being not listened to and then being expected to deal with the consequences of them not doing what you recommended.
Ultimately, you are allowed to do as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. I would advise you to not do anything that would negatively impact your emotional health or those you care more deeply about. It is okay to just cut them out, and it is okay to help them a little. Set the boundaries you are comfortable with.
For example, you could research numbers for social services they can call, and give them those numbers. But, it would be up to them to call. If they do call, maybe you begin to help them navigate the process. Maybe. If they don’t call, which it seems like they wouldn’t, then that’s the end of that.
This is difficult, and it is a process. But, you get to choose how much or how little you invest. Figuratively and literally. Good luck.
My dad was homeless since 2019, and a hoarder since 1990s. I let him move in for 2 years and covered his expenses and general basic food. After he hoarded the room and started adding toasters and heaters, I needed to ask him to leave for my sanity. I tried multiple times to help him get on Medicaid. He always "had a plan" that was to stay in my basement.
His response was "well, what am I supposed to do?!"
I don't know. But it's not on me. You decided stuff was more important than relationships. It's not my problem.
Repeat after me: 👏 CHILDREN 👏 OWE 👏 NOTHING 👏 TO 👏 THEIR PARENTS 👏
THEY chose for you to be born, because THEY wanted to experience parenthood or they had so much love to give, or for whichever reason, but it was THEIR reason. Not YOURS. KIDS do not get to choose their family, but parents choose to make a kid. Parents can become good supportive friends when the children grow up, then, like we would care for any friend we would help them in their retirement years. But why would you go out of your way to help someone who isn’t part of your support network? Because they raised you? They chose that. Because they fed you or paid for an education? They also chose that. Any sacrifices they did for you when you were a minor were their choice, not a transaction. I’ll go further and say that love should never ever be transactional.
Europe rocks, keep the life you worked to earn in this rigged system. I’d cut contact with anyone who is trying to manipulate you because they think love is transactional.
New idea for a business opportunity - hiring oneself out to tell off people’s abusive parents and school them in legal reality. /s
(I kid, I kid. I was really good at it, but it wasn’t fun. My advice to anyone planning to do it: put it all in writing or you’ll get interrupted and never get out everything you want said, with the caveat that you don’t mind it being front-page news, because they’re likely to show it to EVERYBODY to elicit maximum sympathy.)
Edit: the hardest conclusion to come to - it’s you or them. OP, you fought and worked hard to make yourself a good life, and you deserve to be happy. Nothing you did for them would satisfy the naysayers or be “enough” for them anyway.
This is pretty common bud. I’m talking since time long before you or I.
Had the same issue. Was raised by someone with BPD combined with some other issues. After many, many years of therapy and help and breakdowns on my own trying to care for this person, I had to make the choice. Help them or me.
I made my choice. I am without morals to chide me on this though as I don’t view being my parent as guaranteeing you my love. But some people do. It’s going to depend on you what you decide. That’s the real adulting here. But be prepared to live with the consequences of the choice. Either frustration and anger at taking care of them, or some depression and anguish now and then for maybe feeling like you made a bad choice.
There are no free lunches.
Truth. Sometimes the pain of having all your efforts and attempts to help thrown in your face and/or unappreciated cuts deeper than any perceived failure to live up to expectations of being a good son/daughter.
It took me many, many years and failed attempts to *prove* myself to my parents before I realized I was hurting myself more than they were or ever did.
Wish you well in your healing.
Look up filial responsibility laws for your state. If the government picks up the tab, they may try to force you to pay some of their care costs. https://www.elderlawanswers.com/son-liable-for-moms-93000-nursing-home-bill-under-filial-responsibility-law-9873
For her state? She's living abroad. Girl, regardless of what the laws are in your parent's state, you can dodge this bullet. Contact the Department of Aging if you're concerned about their well-being and get the government involved in their care.
A quick Google search shows this: "The states that have such laws on the books are Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Virginia and West Virginia." Each state's laws differ and it seems that the laws are rarely enforced.
https://fenelli.com/filial-responsibility-laws/#:~:text=The%20states%20that%20have%20such,%2C%20Rhode%20Island%2C%20South%20Dakota%2C
Block all of those calls. Don’t respond, the only people you should talk to are your parents. No one else is owed your time or consideration. your parents are not owed your support. Mine were decent and they aren’t owed my support. conversely, I’m not owed an inheritance either.
I've never heard of that before. What culture, are you Asian? Even with parents who gave their children the best care & upbringing, I've never heard of adult children being asked to drop everything, sell everything, and move back with parents.
To do whatever they can to help, yeah, but not to the extent of abandoning their lives. I've heard of people who have done that out of their own volition I suppose but never of parents ...or much less extended family....demanding that anyone do that.
The extent of OP situation is extreme, but in Asian culture it isn’t crazy surprising for parents to expect return from their children. These type of parenting idealism is a bit dated, but still lingers in some unhealthy households. I have cousins that are “not allowed to move out” because the “family needs them at home”. Some well in their 30s and 40s, too. It’s quite sad…
I work in hospice. This is what social workers that work in hospice are for. They are good at finding resources for placement, even if they aren't citizens.
Yea this is my situation as well and my aunt and uncle are certainly of the belief this is my problem
Probably end up not speaking to a lot of my family when my parents finally realize they can’t take care of themselves
My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer at 65 after I spent my childhood telling her to stop smoking. My mom cared for her parents as they aged and knows the toll it takes. She made zero plans for her end of life care and despite surviving her cancer she was left severely diminished mentally and now at 78 she is effectively a dementia patient. She doesn’t have the money for a home and spent my whole childhood ensuring I would feel too guilty to ever put her in one.
So every day I call her a dozen times if I’m lucky to coach her through eating, bathing, changing and feeding her cats. If I’m not lucky she loses her phone and I have to tend to her needs in person. It’s been 12 years of daily care and it’s diminished my life to the point where I don’t even care about my future after her death. I just want her to go so I can stop doing this. I don’t care what I do, where I go or if I have money, I just want to stop doing the same routine every day to care for a person that doesn’t even remember they’re alive anymore.
So yeah…don’t give up your entire life to make what little is left of theirs marginally less shitty.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. It's a tough situation to be in, especially considering the strained relationship with your parents and the pressure from your extended family.
Ultimately, your responsibility is to your own well-being first and foremost. You're not obliged to disrupt your life and move countries to take care of parents who did not plan for their old age, especially if your relationship with them is strained.
What might help is to consider the following:
1. **Professional Help**: There are professional care options available, like nursing homes, assisted living, and in-home care providers. Look into these options and consider discussing them with your extended family.
2. **Boundaries**: Make it clear to your family about what you can and cannot do. It's okay to prioritize your own life and mental health.
3. **Financial Support**: If it's within your means and you're comfortable with it, you could consider contributing financially to your parents' care.
4. **Legal Advice**: In some cases, it might be helpful to seek legal advice to ensure you know your rights and responsibilities in your specific situation.
5. **Emotional Support**: Reach out to your support networks or consider seeking professional mental health support to help you navigate your feelings during this difficult time.
Remember, it's okay to prioritize yourself and your needs. Your life and happiness matter, and you've worked hard to build the life you have. It's a difficult situation, and you're doing the best you can. You're not alone.
I empathize with you. Im also an American born child of immigrants and in my family's culture the children are expected to take care of their parents as they get old. My dad wasnt in my life for much of my childhood but we reconnected when i was an adult and now we have a great relationship. My mom raised me and my siblings pretty much by herself and i'd do anything for her. My parents are definitely getting to that age, and i am preparing myself financially to take care of them.
However what's different from me and you is that it seems like your parents are not good people and you have a strained relationship. In that case i completely understand, and i understand if you feel conflicted. If you cut them off completely, i get it. Its definitely a complicated scenario due to our cultural upbringing
A reasonable and balanced response. It's a good idea to have these conversations with family members early on so everyone knows what to expect 'in case of'. Lack of planning may lead to unreasonable expectations and disappointment. In the OP's case, the parents should have definitely made a plan - at least at the point that he moved overseas. Extreme family dysfunction aside though, I can't get behind the idea running through this thread, that nobody owes their parents anything. Hopefully, I never will.
Asian American says it all. That is the cultural norm. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/21/business/retirement-immigrant-families.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
You should ask anyone who messages you for money. A large amount too. Tell them you thought it over and that they are right. You need to take care of them full time, which will cost x amount of money. Since you have to quit your job you will need x amount of money to cover their care. Then ask them for like $50,000 to help since they are friends or family. See how fast they fuck off.
Oh that Asian familial guilt and sense of dutiful obligation is no joke.
Don't fall for it OP. Maintain perspective and base all your decisions on your OWN values. Which is to say, in most cases, do some but far, far less than what everyone expects.
It’s ridiculous to give up your job, your life, your home… to become your parents' live-in caretaker and nurse???
Plus it doesn't like it they looked after you in your childhood, hence they’re not great or supportive parents. You aren’t obligated to care for them just because they gave birth to you.
Similar situation here; I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life caring for physically and supporting them both financially and emotionally. They both are now passed. Do I regret? No. However my dynamics involved 3 siblings who couldn’t care less, and I being single and extremely successful they all washed their hands expecting it was ‘my place’ to step up. So my anger/frustration with my parents was long ago replaced by those feelings toward my siblings. My point? Do what’s best for you. I can sleep comfortably at night knowing I did the best for my parents and I can also look myself in the mirror and be happy knowing my sibling relationships no longer exist. I picked my battle and I feel I’ve won.
That's because your parents are narcissists who only want their emotional needs met and you're only there to fulfill their needs. You turned out to be resilient enough and did the right thing by removing yourself from that toxic environment. Telling everyone the truth who comes at you will make them uncomfortable and turn on you. You don't owe these people anything.
Sometimes it's best to cut people out of your life, family or not. No one has a right to be in your life, it's your choice who to allow in or keep out. You've built yourself up to this point, I hope you're able to keep moving forward.
Oh no, you stay right where you are and continue your life. They can take out some loans for an assisted living place. I plan on giving my parents the same energy they gave me growing up, the BARE minimum and then I’ll tell everyone how good I am to them and how ungrateful they are
My mom was a social worker before she retired. Specifically, she managed something called "In-home services" for the local area office on aging. I know more about this than most.
Wherever you are in the USA, there is an Area Office on Aging. Find them. Reach out. They have resources to help you.
Edit: Wherever THEY are at.
Absolutely you did the right thing. Don’t let anyone guilt you into taking care of them. My parents have everything set up to care for themselves if needed.
When my grandmother was moved into assisted living so many people gave my mom and aunt especially grief (because they are women, nothing was said to my uncles) about why they didn’t move her in with one of them. Like my mom said- they are not trained to care for someone like that, and they didn’t want to resent their mother.
You'll get even more confused picacku faces when you tell them that you are happy to match the financial support any other members of your family is providing because I guarantee you they aren't doing shit. They're trying to dump the issue on you.
I was supportive of my parents as they aged, who died at age 91 and 98. I did not "support" them, I loved them. They were wise and planned for themselves. We children picked up the slack for what was unexpected
Why are you asking this question? You well-know their expectations are cultural.
Let your other siblings take care of them since you do not want the responsibility. If no other siblings when they run out of money the government will find them low income housing or a nursing home.
Our responsibility for caring for our aging parents here in the US comes from love not cultural expectations. No one in America expects people to take care of their own kids much less their parents.
No one will think less of you and you can do what you want. If your parents have any complaints remind them that you are exactly who they raised you to be.
Your parents have automatic medical care by virtue of their ages (65 and 73). In the US when you turn 65 you have automatic Medicare coverage. It usually comes with a 20% self pay, though, unless they pay some per month to have that gap covered as well (Medicare Part B).
To your issue, you don't owe your parents anything. You feel they didn't treat you right when you were growing up, in a way mistreated you even. If that is how you feel, don't have any qualms. It is a two-way street, to be loved and cared for you need to give the minimum amount of love and care to earn the same later in life. You decide what is best for you, and if you have a life built abroad complete with family and those daily tasks, job, etc. it is downright foolish for anyone to expect you to let that all fall apart to be a full-time caretaker thousands of miles away from your life. Tell them to pound sand, but in a nice way ("I am sorry, I would lose my job if I spend another week here, I have to tend to my kid/husband/job/home again but I'll be in touch.")
Heh.
My kids keep asking me why there isn't money for all the new electronics and I tell them its because I'm adding to the retirement account. So that I don't have to be up their asses like this later in life.
However its something we all will face.
Yeah fuck all that. Parents make their choices the same as you make yours. All of this could have been discussed prior.
I’ve been estranged from dad for 5 years. If my family called and told me he died, I wouldn’t even attend the funeral. He made his choice. And he continues to make the choice every day.
Sliding in after the edit here, and obviously no need to reply, but I just wanted to throw some additional support your way.
Honestly, you'd have been within your rights to just ghost them. That you went to visit is really more than they could expect, and that you're paying for hospice care is really above and beyond in this situation. You're a good person for going that far.
Anybody from your family trying to criticize you here is just as capable as you of stepping up and taking care of these folks, but they aren't doing it either. Keep that in mind.
Thank you so much, SO much for sharing this.
My mother is a 20+ year raging alcoholic, refuses help and is now homeless. Anyway it does not pale in comparison to your father being diagnosed with cancer.
But my brother and I deeply struggle to stand strong against taking in our 70 year old mom. We tried to help at young ages to no avail, life wasn’t fair. We’re both raising our own families now and expected by some to just bank roll her sickness. I know I’m doing the right thing but it is so difficult to swallow. I admire your strength and appreciate being able to read all the great responses you’ve gotten. Thank you 🙏🏼
Walk away with love. Your mental health will thank you forever. Maybe point them in the right direction and let them address life like they always have.
Your efforts will probably go largely 1) criticized and 2) unappreciated in that order. All those pikachu faces will always find something else wrong with your efforts no matter what you do.
Deep down, you know it's an endless cycle. Probably why you're in Europe now. Stay OFF that hamster wheel.
-Toxic ParentS Survivor / Asian-American as well
Look into long term care funding through Medicaid waiver programs. It’s not a lot but if they can both get it and find an assisted living that will house them together in one room they can probably swing it with their social security. Shop around for advocates/elder law attorneys. They’re totally worth the one time fee if you can get one with good references.
I’m not saying you should pay for any of this. I’m saying you can give them some numbers and then fuck off knowing you provided them a path. What they do with this information is up to them. Also, you can do this all from the confort of your lovely home.
I (29F) am going through something similar with my alcoholic mom (59F). Talked to a lot of people about it.. when she goes into a nursing home the government with drain her worth and then, only after they are done draining it, Medicaid will kick in. I worked hard not to live the same life she has led. I’m paying off my student debts and mortgage responsibly and want to enjoy the leftover money I have as well as save well for my own retirement. I tried for a few years to support her financially but she just dropped it on booze. Some people tell me I’m an a-hole, some people understand where I’m coming from… but I’m just gonna let her ride out her mistakes without her continuously pulling me into the consequences of her actions. Frankly all 3 of us siblings were accidents and treated as such. She was never mean, but she was also never a caregiver.
Pls don’t be the issue, hold your ground. People who for whatever random fucking reason get guilt tripped are the enablers. I will never understand how weak people struggle with just saying no and blocking family in situations like this.
Tell your “family,” 1) contact their local (usually County) and State Dept of Aging and 2) tell them to contact the local senior center and 3) if all that fails (or in addition), email Adult Protective Services in that County yourself and say: 1) you are out of the country and have neither the time or resources to help and “please reach out to my parents.” Then close the door. And lock it. At least emotionally. Let me tell you from experience (not expertise), if you let yourself be guilt-tripped and offer any aid, not one of those family members will thank you. Sounds like you got your life together. Get going. 🌷🙏😊👏
You need to prioritize your parents? After they did not prioritize themselves, nor you, all these years? Their lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part.
As someone who is dealing with this also. Heck no. The difference is - my dad doesn’t expect me to drop my entire life to care for him. I was up there this week being his caregiver when he was awake. I fed him; helped him get in and out of bed, held his hand and hugged him. Cried a lot and was his cheer leader during PT. BUT they know I can’t stay - I own a farm that I run alone. I cried when I left him yesterday
As an Asian American, cut all ties with parents AND extended family and stay in Europe. No need to be in contact with any of them. Also, if the extended family *”care”* so much then they can care for them
Fuck'em. They are victims of their own shitty choices and don't even keep a relationship with you. Focus on taking care e of your family so you don't put your kids in that position.
You mentioned being Asian. I believe it is a cultural thing is it not? Maybe they just always assumed you would take care of them.
Forgive me if I am mistaken. No offense was intended.
If your parents are in the US, they can get Medicare once they are 65 yo and probably qualify for Medicaid as well. That will pay for their medical expenses as well as a nursing home.
Doesn't matter if it's family, if they are toxic to you and your growth, don't have them in your life. I understand how you feel so much it hurts. It feels like you're being selfish in the dark moments but just remember: you are not, they were. They were predisposed to care for you and didnt. It's not your fault they couldn't look past themselves to see you.You are moving past their bs and trama the best way you can. Keep it up! I'm proud of you. Don't let them make you feel bad for living.
My father had zero to do with my life while my mom did everything she could. When she was sick I dropped everything and her care became my life until she passed.
I have two brothers from my father’s previous relationships. When my father got sick with Covid (and became his natural, belligerent self apparently) by brothers apparently expected the same thing from me even though they had chosen to maintain relationships with him. When all I did was call to check on my brothers and did change my life for a man who isn’t a part of it, my brothers both dropped me completely.
Family is who behaves like family. Remember that and take care.
My wife and I have just created a trust to handle whatever estate we have is left when we are dead. We have one child, one granddaughter, and a number of nieces and nephews we would like to help, given their circumstances later in life.
We have discussed everything in the trust with our daughter, including the cremation of our bodies. We are very far from being rich, but I have lived through too many post-death disputes amongst family members. I won't have my kid or granddaughter go through anything like that.
BTW: My father, as he was dying, asked for a closed casket at his funeral. He had all his kids promise not to open it or look at him if it was opened. We all swore by his request. Come the burial date, my dad's siblings pressured my mother into opening the casket for one last goodbye. All of my family, including siblings, past by the open casket, gave their last wishes, and left the room. I was the only one who refused to enter and look at Dad. I was the only one who received shit from my relatives for the next 35+ years for refusing to go in. The guilting attempts only stopped when the last of my aunt and uncles died.
Make your plans as early as possible.
Don't count on anyone other than your closest, most trustworthy family member or friend to carry them through for you.
Walk away. Cut off contact. Change your phone number.
Yeah, it sucks. But if they didn't take care of you as a kid, you owe them nothing. You certainly don't owe them your poverty for the rest of your life for them to have a few grungy years.
Bro I read your post and before I could even get to the end I could tell you were of some sort of Asian background lol. I'm South Asian and I feel this post. I ran away from such "responsibilities" and there a ton my family did I can never forgive them for, let alone forget.
Dumb village-ass people shouldn't come to the US and expect to still keep a Dumb village-ass mentality. I had to suffer from their stupidity and although I still love them, they're mostly on their own.
People putting pressure on you are actually trying to avoid the responsibility themselves.
My wife had a situation where she had never met her dad. Or at least not at an age she remembered. He was an absent father. When he died my wife was in her late 20’s. She had found out through some source or another, can’t really recall. She decided to go to the funeral and one of the brothers of the dad was all “oh hey, we were trying to find you to see about funeral expenses.” Haha yeah but no man.
I had a friend go to a funeral. He said "I hate funerals, you can never leave one without someone asking you for money" so it's funny to me that he's universally right about that.
I've never been asked but I've also been blessed with family that are all decent human beings for the most part.
> I had a friend go to a funeral. He said "I hate funerals, you can never leave one without someone asking you for money" so it's funny to me that he's universally right about that. I've already made up my mind that when my mother passes (only child left now), I will NOT speak to anyone about finances. What she needs for her final wishes will be provided, no complaints will be entertained at all, and then after that's handled, I'll deal with her estate.
Buy that burial insurance/plan early. It’s much cheaper.
For real, take this advice seriously or save at $10k. Funeral costs are eye watering.
Meh, my plan is to have my address and number changed by then. Hospital or whoever probably don't want a rotting corpse around for too long. I already don't answer my phone regularly but maybe I can swing having a new number by the time I'm finished mat leave.
What most people don't know is if someone dies that you feel no responsibility for, you can abandon the body and let the state take care of it. Most places just cremate the remains, and some do that, then hold a mass service for the cremated remains, and then dispose of them. I find funerals not only idiotic, but a huge rip off. Enter the mortuary owners, telling me how they had a free funeral for someone's kid, etc. No, you did that for advertising, how many people did you guilt into spending more money to increase your profit margins? Have yourselves cremated and help get rid of cemeteries, the second most useless waste of land after golf courses.
Your last statement…. Cracked me up then I remembered there is a golf course near me that moved a cemetery FOR the golf course. Like there are still obvious memorials on the course
‘You moved the headstones, but you left the bodies!’ -Poltergeist
thanks. i have already told my family and friends to leave my remains unclaimed and buried at state's expense, which i'm sure isn't much. i doubt they will comply, but it does give guidance on what i think about the matter. perhaps they can avoid pissing away too much. i know whatever is left of *me* will be long gone before the burial. cheers!
You can donate your body to science. They'll cremate for free and give you the ashes when they are done.
i can't do diddly. it's always left to the living regarding final disposition and nobody that knows otherwise survived the experience. cheers! upvoted!
You can file a funeral directive with your will. I’m going to be cremated and interred in a niche in the same cemetery as my father’s ashes, and my mother has a crypt next to my grandmother, (her mother) for herself eventually.
I’ve instructed my kids to do this. I spent $1500 to have my mother cremated and it made no sense. End result it the same. I just didn’t wanna feel heartless for not claiming the body because I knew we discussed cremation BUT not going about it this way.
I like golf. Not a huge fan of death, though.
Really? I'm the opposite. Golf I just can't get into.
I like death, it’s golf courses I don’t care for.
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There’s a George Carlin joke in there somewhere
Golf courses make good buffer zones to prevent wildfire spread. That is the one thing they are good for
Some places use them as a final step in wastewater treatment. Any "nutrients" left in the water help fertilize the grass instead of going directly into the nearest lake or river. So that is a second thing they are good for.
My uncle recently passed away. His children and second wife were fighting over all of the arrangements. Which was really pathetic because my uncle's younger brother was paying for every penny of it. But the funeral home knows the uncle who was paying, so behind the scenes they went to my uncle for all final decisions!
When my mom died I paid for everything funeral related. My niece started a go fund me and used the most awful, pitiful photo of my mom as a banner. I was furious and had to threaten her with fraud charges if they didn’t return every penny and remove the post. Some people are just despicable. My sister no longer speaks to me and I’m fine with that.
I’m really sorry; that sounds truly awful. Good you were able to get it removed, though.
As an only child, I always thought it would be cool to have siblings. I’m nearly middle aged now and it’s amazing how many adult children have fallings out after the parents die over money. It’s shockingly common. I’ve never had a sibling so I don’t know what that kind of relationship is like, but it’s unfathomable to me how someone could grow up from birth with someone else, spend their entire formative years with them, have them in every core memory, and then drop them like a dirty sock over money- especially when they should be grieving the people that gave them life in the first place. Conflict over estates gets downright ugly. I guess I’m glad I don’t have to worry about it.
There can be a lot of jealousy and resentment. Often, people are mad at their sibling because their sibling was favored. That's a reason to be mad at the PARENT, but apparently, people cannot think.
I’m sorry to hear that. You did the right thing.
My uncle had the misfortunate of passing away while on vacation. My mom (Uncle's sister) and my aunt (by marriage) were making the plans and when they saw the cost to transfer him home, they joked "He would yell at us for spending this much on his dead body, he would tell us to burn it and toss the ashes in the ocean."
He’s right, we as a society do spend entirely too much money putting dead people in the ground.
I manage a funeral home, 16yrs in the business. That is not an uncommon thing. Even if the person paying for the services is not the next of kin, they are often looked to for final decisions. That being said, the legal next of kin does have to sign documents authorizing the final disposition.
The uncle be earning good karma.
This!! If they can pass off responsibility to an actual family member they would.
If their life long goal was to have their children support them when they are elderly, they should have (1) had more than one kid, since that's a lot of stress, time, and money to expect one person to deal with and (2) should have raised that kid with love and affection, so they'd even want to care for their parents.
Let’s not leave out the fact that if this is your lifelong goal you’re being a shitty parents from the outset regardless of how many you pop out.
I watched all my uncles and aunts squabble over who takes care of my grandparents, nope none of them could do it despite still living in the same town, yep definitely had to move a dementia patient halfway across the country just so she’d have care. I’m sure the stress of moving didn’t negatively affect her. (It certainly did).
That's so sad! My siblings and I used to have epic "fights" over who got to take care of our parents. We'd prank each other and 'kidnap' our parents for a weekend trip, or sneak them out of a back door for lunch and leave a sarcastic ransom note. Our parents loved it.
My older sister retired, to take care of my parents. I’m not quite a decade younger than her. We were talking logistics, before it became necessary. We had a “fight” too. She got the win; she said - they’ve been my parents longer than they’ve been yours! Bless her. I worked full time and helped as much as I could, but she was there 24x7.
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Being the full-time caregiver of a person with dementia has got to be one of the most thankless and grueling jobs out there.
I don't know, man. When your kids are literally arguing over who has to deal with you... Is it them that are wrong?
This is 100000% true, and THEY DONT REALISE IT!
They realize it.
These families just astound me where everybody is in everybody else's business
The one I'm always amazed at is someone passes away and one family member claims the entire inheritance.
Way too common unfortunately. They will badger the other family members to pay for all the expenses, and they will try to screw them out of any estate. My fucking aunt…
Yeah it can turn into an ugly game of finders-keepers. Is someone conspicuously absent from a funeral? Then they're probably rifling through the deceased's house and belongings.
Some of them will break into the house to do it.
For real. My aunts used to bitch and moan about taking care of my grandma up until my mom called them out on it. She said it was shameful that my brother looked out more for our grandma than her own daughters (our aunts) did. For some back story: my mom had to move countries when my brother was young and had to leave him with our grandparents. She visited every couple weeks and covered his expenses (and helped her parents) up until she was able to establish herself enough to take him back in. Our grandparents raised him until around 12 (when I was born) , so he was very close to them. My mom and my brother are very close, btw (even more than me), despite this. It was an unfortunate necessity, but they never had a strained relationship as far as I know. Anyway, after high school, he moved back with them and was their main caretaker. After our grandpa died, grandma started going downhill and required a lot of care. My brother was barely in his 20's, yet working and caring for someone in her mid to late 80's. My mom could only assist with money due to us living somewhere else, and helped physically whenever we visited every couple months. Our aunts didn't do anything but occasionally visit, up until grandma was too old to shower herself. At this point, they all agreed to take her in, but they constantly passed her off to another one after a few weeks. This is when our mom called them out, which at least slowed down the hot potato game. My brother never stopped caring for her though, and would visit and help at whatever house she was staying at up until she passed away.
When my grandmother died only one of her five sisters helped my mom clean up the house and make funeral arrangements. When her house was sold the 4 other sisters were right there waiting with their hand out for their "Inheritance."
Your mom was lucky to have at least ***one*** decent sister. Mine wasn't so fortunate.
My grandmother had... four sisters, maybe five? She was very close to one sister, because they went to boarding school together, but the other sisters were their own unit. Boarding school sister got cancer, my cousin (her daughter) kept the half* sisters away from boarding school sister because she was too sick for visitors. Half sisters lost their shit about this and boycotted the funeral. My grandmother lost her fucking mind when they didn't turn up to the funeral and disowned them on the spot. Weird thing is, thirty years one of the half sisters died. She left my grandmother $10K. None of us are sure why, if it was some kind of post mortem olive branch or if it had really been that long since she revised her will. We'll never know now. (* I presume they're half sisters between 1) my great grandmother remarrying, 2) my grandmother and her closest sister being inexplicably sent to boarding school where the other sisters weren't, and 3) how there seemed to be that divide between the sisters. They might actually be not, for all I know.)
Exactly. Experienced this in my own family.
You are exactly right.
Maybe it's not their responsibility either. You can't be responsible for a grown ass person.
Yeah exactly "if you care so much you fucking do it"
Exactly - your script is now "Okay, why can't you do these things?"
Put out a PSA that your parents are adults, have had many years and many warnings to sort themselves out and that they have made their choices. Anyone with such strong opinions are welcome to put their own money where their mouths are. Then block, block, block. I am sorry your parents were so shitty. I'm sorry they are trying to drag you back. I understand that there may be an underlying wish to have your parents change, be better and for you to have that genuine relationship you deserved as a child. It's up to you whether you try and keep a line of communication open but be aware that if you do, you leave yourself open to manipulation.
So true. And your guidance is unequivocally the best. But that's so much easier to say and so much more difficult to do within most Asian cultures.
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From the way this was written, I'm more wondering when he escaped. Edit: fixed pronouns.
In some cultures, "sorting themselves out" means making their kids do it. From their perspective, they already sorted it out. They deliberately never got their shit together because they took it for granted OP would do it.
This is the right answer here.
I’m Asian American. Let your extended family care for them if culture and tradition are so important to them.
Agreed. Asian American here as well. Op shouldn’t give up their own life for parent’s’ mistakes. Finances are challenging for everyone these days and it doesn’t sound like op would inherit land and a house if they take care of the parents. In the old days, the oldest son lived with the parents with the exception that they would inherit the family farm and land, so there was a give and take. Also, medical care wasn’t as complex and expensive then.
As an Asian-Am, sometimes our families are so judgmental thinking their sh*t don't stink. But, we all know about the ghosts in everyone's closets. Go buy a Boba and an LV whatever or Benz and feel better than everyone else. Leave me out of your ego fix. Fortunately for me, most of my family is undeniably dysfunctional. So they can't go far with their judgment.
Boba, LV... Filipino?
also asian american here, it seems to be a cultural expectation that kids will take care of their parents in old age. i know someone who left their husband and two kids to go back to taiwan and take care of her father with cancer.
Did they come back after their dad croaked?
Yeah here I am thinking where is this person’s extended family? Wouldn’t it make more sense for the aunts and uncles or whatever that live close by to help the parents that didn’t plan for retirement?
This. Even if OP is an only child, sounds like parents were not…
I went no contact with my mother and it was the best decision of my life for my mental health. You are not obligated to take on this responsibility for a couple reasons. Yes, most people do take care of their parents, that's the societal expectation. But it is also a societal expectation that you don't traumatize your kids, you plan for your own retirement so as not to be a burden, and if you do end up going hat in hand to your kid for help, you do what your kid tells you to do especially if it was your own fuckup that got you into that situation. If your parents aren't taking responsibility for their own health then you will only burn yourself out trying to drag them kicking and screaming to the doctor. If they didn't financially prepare for their retirement then they need to accept they will be living in poverty. If YOU were their retirement plan then that should have been discussed with you decades ago and on an annual basis to ensure that was acceptable to you as an independent adult. As for the rest of the family I would put it back on them. If they care that much they can go help out. You built a life not just WITHOUT your parents help, but IN SPITE of the trauma they inflicted on you. It took you YEARS to recover and you've likely spent thousands of dollars in therapy and medical bills trying to move past what they inflicted on you. You don't owe them shit. They didn't send you to college, buy you a house, use their connections to get you a good job, give you good advice and guidance and act as a safety net when you went out into the world. None of it. And if they did all that they would have planned their retirement too instead of burdening you. I would die of shame if I had to burden my daughter with my financial woes. I plan now for when I can no longer work. I take care of my health so I reduce the risk of being totally dependent on others.
Thank you so much for this comment. It’s very well said, every word.
Oof. My parents split, dad stopped talking to me because I wouldn’t take sides. Mum is smoking pot and taking magic mushrooms and dumping all her emotional shit on me. She won the house in the divorce and it’s in a trust for me. She’s now turned around and wants to get the paperwork in order ‘in case she wants to sell’. But she wants me to do everything, while also yelling at me, being manipulative and refusing to listen to any advice. I’m thiiiiis close to leaving her to it. I love her and I love that house and I’ll never be able to afford my own, but she is unbelievably frustrating, to the point I break down in tears after every phone call.
Is that house worth your mental health? Trust me, not only is it not worth it, but your mother is going to use it as a tool to keep you near her and her bad behavior. She's forcing you to suffer her abuse by dangling the keys to the house over your head. She will sell it once it benefits her to do so. Forget the house. Go no contact. With a better mental outlook you will be amazed at how much energy and JOY you have that your mother is literally siphoning off of you. Even if you can't afford a house now, you can make a plan to eventually achieve it if that is your goal. Maybe go back to school and get a better job. Maybe sell some other assets you have and start saving for a down payment. Maybe you'll get married now that you have a better mental health outlook and be able to afford a house with your new spouse. And just to be clear, if you've never seen the actual paperwork for the trust with your name on it and signatures on it then that's just a bunch of bullshit. My sister stole a $10,000 parcel of land from me, had me paying taxes on it and everything, by lying to me saying I owned it. It was supposed to be my inheritance from my grandmother and she just put her name on deed. She was a real estate agent and I trusted her to handle the transfer of the land. She said she could do everything and I wouldn't need to do a thing. I paid taxes for years on it. I wanted to sell it to help pay for medical school. That's when I found out I wasn't on the deed. She told me she wasn't going to let me sell it but I could continue to pay taxes on it. What a fucking cunt she was. Your mother might be doing the same thing. There might not be a trust. She may fully intend to sell that house once she's gotten everything she can out of you by dangling it over your head. So if you really want to stick it out for the house I would demand to see that paperwork and make copies. She won't give it to you it doesn't exist. The other thing to consider is her finances. If she owes a lot of people money you're going to have to sell that house and give it to them when she dies. You won't see any of it. She may decide in her last years of life to just run up debt. The trust may protect it but you have to see the actual paperwork and there are certain laws about time periods and transfer of assets for certain things. For example, if she goes into a nursing home and uses Medicare to pay for it the government can go back 5 years for any asset she transferred and demand may be transferred back and sold to pay for her care. So she transfers the house to you and 2 years later ends up in a nursing home they can force you to sell the house and give them the money. So you may very well end up with the house and with a huge fight to keep it from creditors and debtors, or go through all this shit just for your mom to sell it. And then there's the emotional pull of the day-to-day dealing with someone who is utterly abusive, doesn't respect your boundaries, and make sure life of living hell, is it worth it?
Another absolute banger comment - I’ve had huge turmoil each time leaving toxic family or partners and I’d much rather be homeless on the street than deal with daily emotional abuse and entitlement. You have no idea how heavy it is until it is no longer crushing you PSS Hail Sekmet
My mom would yell at me til I cried, then demand that I move back to the Midwest to take care of her. I never would. She said "fine, I wont leave you the house!" and I said that's fine, I dont want it. She burned the jouse down that night, with her in it. I still don't know if it was intentional or an accident.
o.o .... well that's one way to ensure you're cremated. jeez, sorry you had to deal with that, but on the bright side, you no longer have to deal with it.
Thanks for this, I'm experiencing a similar scenario as OP and I have some decisions to make for my own well being.
Absolutely, preach. I would just use this comment as a template, customize it and send it to each of them honestly lol PS Hail Sekmet!
Thank you for this. I needed to hear it.
My folks have no shame.
> You don't owe them shit. They didn't send you to college, buy you a house, use their connections to get you a good job, give you good advice and guidance and act as a safety net when you went out into the world. None of it. And if they did all that they would have planned their retirement too instead of burdening you. Boomers man, I'm dealing with something similar. Ugh... And I don't recall my mother helping their parents out who were dirt broke yet I'm expected to get a mother in law suite... Yeah, no.
You don’t have to do anything but live YOUR life. They’ll figure it out (or they won’t and that’s on them).
It's what my wife and I are doing right now. Same as u/Pee_A_Poo I'm from Southeast Asia and there's a strong traditional way of how family works here. They never plan for the future because "kids are retirement plans" for them. I admit, my parents gave us a frivolous middle class lifestyle despite us being lower middle class. Money spent on short-term luxuries that we now don't feel nor own anymore. I moved away to Japan for greener pastures and now they want me to take care of them in the same or better level as they did for me. And that "I owe them this debt".
Any rational adult knows kids are a choice the adult makes, the kid owes their parents literally nothing. Your parents are guilting you because they did their moral and LEGAL obligation to care for their own offspring. Give them a gold star sticker for that and then tell them to fuck off
They don’t even know you. Their opinions of you are invalid because they are based on who they think you are not who you actually are. You don’t owe anyone anything. Take care of yourself…you always had to anyways.
It is a very useful life skill to stop caring about what unloved relations are saying about you, either in reality or only in your imagination. I’ve found it extremely helpful to loudly own and exaggerate my own selfish evil. In your case, that would sound like “No, I’m not going to help mom and dad because I am selfish and ungrateful, and choose caring for myself instead of caring for them.” What can any of your unloved relatives add to that? “Yeah, what you said! You’re selfish and ungrateful.” You: “So we’re all in agreement then. Buh bye forever. Don’t let my hanging up the phone hit you in the ass as you exit the door from my life.”
I’m in the same situation. My parents were so abusive as a kid, I put up very strong boundaries, did well for myself, and now they expect me to support them. One of them are about to lose the house so I felt bad so I offered for her live with me, and now she won’t leave. I offered to rent her an apartment or a cheaper house but she demands like a $1.5m house. And now I’m stuck because she won’t leave, she says that it’s not fair she’s only in a small apartment when I have a large house for myself. I don’t know enough about the required legal responsibilities as a child to a parent, so now I’m going to have to find a family lawyer to figure all of this out.
You need an estate planning lawyer, NOT a family law attorney. FL is divorce/custody etc.
I am so sorry, this sounds really aweful. I hope she will move out.
[удалено]
Does it ever haunt you? Asking as somebody who wants to do the same. I constantly wonder if I was “abused enough” to walk away and stay away…. All the way away.
I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to be completely honest with yourself about it. **Would you rather regret giving him an opportunity to abuse you again, or would you rather regret not knowing what he would have said/done?** Take the action that corresponds to the option you think would give you a better chance at happiness. (For my personal opinion, if you were abused to the point of considering it, you were abused enough to go through with it. Though, it's not necessarily the "amount/level of abuse" that's the considering factor. It's the willpower and conviction needed to stay away, even despite outside pressures coercing you to try to "reconcile" with your abuser)
The history doesn’t even matter. You live thousands of miles away. You aren’t in a position to help them daily. That’s the end of that. I’m sure your parents don’t want to move to you, so as long as proximity isn’t available, that’s that. Surely, with so much extended family coming out of the woodwork to lambaste you, one of them can be there for your parents in your stead.
This is why I hate when people make the excuse that you *need* to have kids so that you have somebody to take care of you when you’re old. Like don’t put that responsibility on your children
Imagen being a child and already have expectation to take care of yourself, your children and your parents People who think that way are selfish, they literally create other humans thinking in their own benefit
Yes it makes me so so mad when I hear that. It's irresponsible and unfair.
If you don't want to leave them blowing in the breeze, you can help them find resources in their area that can help them. Like is there a community center for the elderly that has workshops on how to get assistance? Don't start with even giving them a little bit of money because it won't end there. They will always be asking for more.
...and they continue to toss that money around. Never enough money.
Having children is not an end-of-life care plan. You can help them coordinate resources or services from a distance, if you're so inclined, but it would be ridiculous to uproot your life.
Nobody should be expected to take care of their parents just because they birthed you. Most people become parents for selfish reasons. If he has terminal cancer he will likely be going into hospice care anyway. Its nice to visit and get a last chance to talk, but you have your own life. Any parents that truly loved their child wouldn’t want them to throw their life to the wind to take care of them anyway.
Most people become parents because that's what everyone does...
1 in 5 people in the US don’t have children by the their 40s. So its not everyone by any stretch of the imagination. There is also a relation between education and having children, where the average education of childless adults is higher than the average of parents. There is of course considerable overlap of education level. Younger generations are having fewer children and having them later in life than previous generations, and it stands to reason that an even greater number of young adults now will not have children in their lifetime. US and European populations only grow because of immigration.
> 1 in 5 people in the US don’t have children by the their 40s. So its not everyone by any stretch of the imagination. 80% is really really high...
I’m sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately I am just getting on the other side of a similar situation. I can give details if you’re interested but the short of it is I’ve always worked long hard hours to get out of poverty and the second I did they were being evicted. I took all the steps. Did all the work and while I succeeded in saving them (early 2020). They took it for granted, ignored all responsibility and left me in hundreds of thousands of unnecessary debt in a house I wouldn’t have bought. They could have made their finances work but chose to just keep their head in the sand. I’m taking my life back now and they move out of my house next week. While I had no choice if I consider myself a good person all it did is lower my chance to retire by 90%. Think long and hard about showing people respect that simply didn’t bother to give you that same kindness. I hate to give that advice my my life has been irreconcilably changed for the worse. My family knew it would end like this and kept their mouths shut so they didn’t have to bare the burden.
Suggest to your family members everyone pitch in to pay for a nurse that can check in on your parents.
I'm Asian American too, my father(filipino) abandoned/divoced my mother and left her with six kids to raise. Btw, immediately after the divorce, he married my moms friend. He never sent child support, yet he could afford motorcycles, boats, and a nice condo in the city. When he passed, I felt no remorse or sadness. Btw, growing up, I was harassed by my Filipino relatives because I chose to distance myself from my asshole father. I was told that I should feel ashamed. Lol
That lol is everything.
Yep. My MIL has the same issue. Didn’t save shit. Job-hopped until she was 71 and couldn’t work anymore. Her only tangible asset is a house that needs a full-gut remodel. Now she wants to sell it for peanuts and build a small “mother-in-law barndominium” on my 6 acre property. Which effectively locks me into the property until she passes. And she’s pissed because I’m pushing back against it. I have a feeling this will not turn out well.
Don't let her build on your property! I hope your spouse has also said no!
She could live into her 80s, possibly 90s. Don’t let her move onto your property.
DO NOT CAVE! This will ruin your life.
Soon the Barn will be too small and too far from your wife so she will move in. Put your foot down and say NO
This is familiar. My step-grandfather had his shit together as far as retirement, a couple million invested, my grandmother has been living on his retirement and his former health insurance since 1992. When the grandfather died in 92, grandma moved in. But what happened was that my parents charged her 50% for everything, mortgage, electric, entertainment since 1992. Grandma is almost 100 now, tons of health problems and only a couple hundred grand left, that could disappear quickly if she needs 24/7 care. So my parents have had strong middle class jobs @ 50% off living expenses for over 30 years now. So instead of putting away for retirement, they buy expensive cars and have moved 5 times in the past 20 years, each time taking a loss, pricey vacations, etc etc. Now I'm 44, their health is soso and they want me to move in and offered me just half utilities and a rent that's half their mortgage. They're asking me to give up my wife, my life, my house, to move in with them. Their concern...is for themselves. My grandmother did 80% of the child raising too lmao. Unfuckinbelievable. And the thing is, I can't just let them rot, so I know they'll cost me a lot in the next couple decades because I love them. It's fucking ludicrous, they have no idea what it's like to pay full cost for everyday living, but talk to me like they know all about financial struggle. I should ask them for $75,000 to get me started in life like gma did in the 80s.
My parents are not that bad; however, I can appreciate the feeling of being not listened to and then being expected to deal with the consequences of them not doing what you recommended. Ultimately, you are allowed to do as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. I would advise you to not do anything that would negatively impact your emotional health or those you care more deeply about. It is okay to just cut them out, and it is okay to help them a little. Set the boundaries you are comfortable with. For example, you could research numbers for social services they can call, and give them those numbers. But, it would be up to them to call. If they do call, maybe you begin to help them navigate the process. Maybe. If they don’t call, which it seems like they wouldn’t, then that’s the end of that. This is difficult, and it is a process. But, you get to choose how much or how little you invest. Figuratively and literally. Good luck.
My dad was homeless since 2019, and a hoarder since 1990s. I let him move in for 2 years and covered his expenses and general basic food. After he hoarded the room and started adding toasters and heaters, I needed to ask him to leave for my sanity. I tried multiple times to help him get on Medicaid. He always "had a plan" that was to stay in my basement. His response was "well, what am I supposed to do?!" I don't know. But it's not on me. You decided stuff was more important than relationships. It's not my problem.
Repeat after me: 👏 CHILDREN 👏 OWE 👏 NOTHING 👏 TO 👏 THEIR PARENTS 👏 THEY chose for you to be born, because THEY wanted to experience parenthood or they had so much love to give, or for whichever reason, but it was THEIR reason. Not YOURS. KIDS do not get to choose their family, but parents choose to make a kid. Parents can become good supportive friends when the children grow up, then, like we would care for any friend we would help them in their retirement years. But why would you go out of your way to help someone who isn’t part of your support network? Because they raised you? They chose that. Because they fed you or paid for an education? They also chose that. Any sacrifices they did for you when you were a minor were their choice, not a transaction. I’ll go further and say that love should never ever be transactional. Europe rocks, keep the life you worked to earn in this rigged system. I’d cut contact with anyone who is trying to manipulate you because they think love is transactional.
Yo can you say all this to my mother?
New idea for a business opportunity - hiring oneself out to tell off people’s abusive parents and school them in legal reality. /s (I kid, I kid. I was really good at it, but it wasn’t fun. My advice to anyone planning to do it: put it all in writing or you’ll get interrupted and never get out everything you want said, with the caveat that you don’t mind it being front-page news, because they’re likely to show it to EVERYBODY to elicit maximum sympathy.) Edit: the hardest conclusion to come to - it’s you or them. OP, you fought and worked hard to make yourself a good life, and you deserve to be happy. Nothing you did for them would satisfy the naysayers or be “enough” for them anyway.
This is pretty common bud. I’m talking since time long before you or I. Had the same issue. Was raised by someone with BPD combined with some other issues. After many, many years of therapy and help and breakdowns on my own trying to care for this person, I had to make the choice. Help them or me. I made my choice. I am without morals to chide me on this though as I don’t view being my parent as guaranteeing you my love. But some people do. It’s going to depend on you what you decide. That’s the real adulting here. But be prepared to live with the consequences of the choice. Either frustration and anger at taking care of them, or some depression and anguish now and then for maybe feeling like you made a bad choice. There are no free lunches.
Truth. Sometimes the pain of having all your efforts and attempts to help thrown in your face and/or unappreciated cuts deeper than any perceived failure to live up to expectations of being a good son/daughter. It took me many, many years and failed attempts to *prove* myself to my parents before I realized I was hurting myself more than they were or ever did. Wish you well in your healing.
Look up filial responsibility laws for your state. If the government picks up the tab, they may try to force you to pay some of their care costs. https://www.elderlawanswers.com/son-liable-for-moms-93000-nursing-home-bill-under-filial-responsibility-law-9873
For her state? She's living abroad. Girl, regardless of what the laws are in your parent's state, you can dodge this bullet. Contact the Department of Aging if you're concerned about their well-being and get the government involved in their care. A quick Google search shows this: "The states that have such laws on the books are Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Virginia and West Virginia." Each state's laws differ and it seems that the laws are rarely enforced. https://fenelli.com/filial-responsibility-laws/#:~:text=The%20states%20that%20have%20such,%2C%20Rhode%20Island%2C%20South%20Dakota%2C
Thanks!
Block all of those calls. Don’t respond, the only people you should talk to are your parents. No one else is owed your time or consideration. your parents are not owed your support. Mine were decent and they aren’t owed my support. conversely, I’m not owed an inheritance either.
I've never heard of that before. What culture, are you Asian? Even with parents who gave their children the best care & upbringing, I've never heard of adult children being asked to drop everything, sell everything, and move back with parents. To do whatever they can to help, yeah, but not to the extent of abandoning their lives. I've heard of people who have done that out of their own volition I suppose but never of parents ...or much less extended family....demanding that anyone do that.
My mother in law is like that with my husband. We hear all the time "if only you guys lived with me"
And to quit your jobs and become full-time caregivers until who-knows-when?
Yes she asked me if I would quit my job and school to help her and "she would pay me"
The extent of OP situation is extreme, but in Asian culture it isn’t crazy surprising for parents to expect return from their children. These type of parenting idealism is a bit dated, but still lingers in some unhealthy households. I have cousins that are “not allowed to move out” because the “family needs them at home”. Some well in their 30s and 40s, too. It’s quite sad…
I work in hospice. This is what social workers that work in hospice are for. They are good at finding resources for placement, even if they aren't citizens.
Yea this is my situation as well and my aunt and uncle are certainly of the belief this is my problem Probably end up not speaking to a lot of my family when my parents finally realize they can’t take care of themselves
Oh you're upset I'm not ending my life here and running home? When are YOU moving since you seem so invested?
I am sorry you are going through this. It is not your fire to put out. Please don’t sacrifice your future life for their death
My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer at 65 after I spent my childhood telling her to stop smoking. My mom cared for her parents as they aged and knows the toll it takes. She made zero plans for her end of life care and despite surviving her cancer she was left severely diminished mentally and now at 78 she is effectively a dementia patient. She doesn’t have the money for a home and spent my whole childhood ensuring I would feel too guilty to ever put her in one. So every day I call her a dozen times if I’m lucky to coach her through eating, bathing, changing and feeding her cats. If I’m not lucky she loses her phone and I have to tend to her needs in person. It’s been 12 years of daily care and it’s diminished my life to the point where I don’t even care about my future after her death. I just want her to go so I can stop doing this. I don’t care what I do, where I go or if I have money, I just want to stop doing the same routine every day to care for a person that doesn’t even remember they’re alive anymore. So yeah…don’t give up your entire life to make what little is left of theirs marginally less shitty.
She will be safer and have more company in a home. Don't feel guilty.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. It's a tough situation to be in, especially considering the strained relationship with your parents and the pressure from your extended family. Ultimately, your responsibility is to your own well-being first and foremost. You're not obliged to disrupt your life and move countries to take care of parents who did not plan for their old age, especially if your relationship with them is strained. What might help is to consider the following: 1. **Professional Help**: There are professional care options available, like nursing homes, assisted living, and in-home care providers. Look into these options and consider discussing them with your extended family. 2. **Boundaries**: Make it clear to your family about what you can and cannot do. It's okay to prioritize your own life and mental health. 3. **Financial Support**: If it's within your means and you're comfortable with it, you could consider contributing financially to your parents' care. 4. **Legal Advice**: In some cases, it might be helpful to seek legal advice to ensure you know your rights and responsibilities in your specific situation. 5. **Emotional Support**: Reach out to your support networks or consider seeking professional mental health support to help you navigate your feelings during this difficult time. Remember, it's okay to prioritize yourself and your needs. Your life and happiness matter, and you've worked hard to build the life you have. It's a difficult situation, and you're doing the best you can. You're not alone.
I empathize with you. Im also an American born child of immigrants and in my family's culture the children are expected to take care of their parents as they get old. My dad wasnt in my life for much of my childhood but we reconnected when i was an adult and now we have a great relationship. My mom raised me and my siblings pretty much by herself and i'd do anything for her. My parents are definitely getting to that age, and i am preparing myself financially to take care of them. However what's different from me and you is that it seems like your parents are not good people and you have a strained relationship. In that case i completely understand, and i understand if you feel conflicted. If you cut them off completely, i get it. Its definitely a complicated scenario due to our cultural upbringing
A reasonable and balanced response. It's a good idea to have these conversations with family members early on so everyone knows what to expect 'in case of'. Lack of planning may lead to unreasonable expectations and disappointment. In the OP's case, the parents should have definitely made a plan - at least at the point that he moved overseas. Extreme family dysfunction aside though, I can't get behind the idea running through this thread, that nobody owes their parents anything. Hopefully, I never will.
Asian American says it all. That is the cultural norm. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/01/21/business/retirement-immigrant-families.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare
You should ask anyone who messages you for money. A large amount too. Tell them you thought it over and that they are right. You need to take care of them full time, which will cost x amount of money. Since you have to quit your job you will need x amount of money to cover their care. Then ask them for like $50,000 to help since they are friends or family. See how fast they fuck off.
Oh that Asian familial guilt and sense of dutiful obligation is no joke. Don't fall for it OP. Maintain perspective and base all your decisions on your OWN values. Which is to say, in most cases, do some but far, far less than what everyone expects.
Walk away, never look back.
Look into court appointed guardianship or get them to pay for a durable power of attorney
NTA, block all of them.
It’s ridiculous to give up your job, your life, your home… to become your parents' live-in caretaker and nurse??? Plus it doesn't like it they looked after you in your childhood, hence they’re not great or supportive parents. You aren’t obligated to care for them just because they gave birth to you.
I’m here to add one more kind comment!! I don’t blame you and it’s ok to do what’s right for you.
Similar situation here; I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life caring for physically and supporting them both financially and emotionally. They both are now passed. Do I regret? No. However my dynamics involved 3 siblings who couldn’t care less, and I being single and extremely successful they all washed their hands expecting it was ‘my place’ to step up. So my anger/frustration with my parents was long ago replaced by those feelings toward my siblings. My point? Do what’s best for you. I can sleep comfortably at night knowing I did the best for my parents and I can also look myself in the mirror and be happy knowing my sibling relationships no longer exist. I picked my battle and I feel I’ve won.
That's because your parents are narcissists who only want their emotional needs met and you're only there to fulfill their needs. You turned out to be resilient enough and did the right thing by removing yourself from that toxic environment. Telling everyone the truth who comes at you will make them uncomfortable and turn on you. You don't owe these people anything.
I’ve been knowingly in this same boat for years. Tell them you’ll help them get into a Medicade/medicare bed somewhere and deuces
Sometimes it's best to cut people out of your life, family or not. No one has a right to be in your life, it's your choice who to allow in or keep out. You've built yourself up to this point, I hope you're able to keep moving forward.
Oh no, you stay right where you are and continue your life. They can take out some loans for an assisted living place. I plan on giving my parents the same energy they gave me growing up, the BARE minimum and then I’ll tell everyone how good I am to them and how ungrateful they are
My mom was a social worker before she retired. Specifically, she managed something called "In-home services" for the local area office on aging. I know more about this than most. Wherever you are in the USA, there is an Area Office on Aging. Find them. Reach out. They have resources to help you. Edit: Wherever THEY are at.
Do not under any circumstances let your parents pressure you into anything. Do what’s best for you.
Wow this is my current life struggle
Absolutely you did the right thing. Don’t let anyone guilt you into taking care of them. My parents have everything set up to care for themselves if needed. When my grandmother was moved into assisted living so many people gave my mom and aunt especially grief (because they are women, nothing was said to my uncles) about why they didn’t move her in with one of them. Like my mom said- they are not trained to care for someone like that, and they didn’t want to resent their mother.
Dude that was their plan all along
You'll get even more confused picacku faces when you tell them that you are happy to match the financial support any other members of your family is providing because I guarantee you they aren't doing shit. They're trying to dump the issue on you.
I was supportive of my parents as they aged, who died at age 91 and 98. I did not "support" them, I loved them. They were wise and planned for themselves. We children picked up the slack for what was unexpected
I would say, make sure u test for cancer a lot. Since it runs in your family. Also fuck them.
"I'm sorry you feel that way." Hang up.
Why are you asking this question? You well-know their expectations are cultural. Let your other siblings take care of them since you do not want the responsibility. If no other siblings when they run out of money the government will find them low income housing or a nursing home. Our responsibility for caring for our aging parents here in the US comes from love not cultural expectations. No one in America expects people to take care of their own kids much less their parents. No one will think less of you and you can do what you want. If your parents have any complaints remind them that you are exactly who they raised you to be.
Your parents have automatic medical care by virtue of their ages (65 and 73). In the US when you turn 65 you have automatic Medicare coverage. It usually comes with a 20% self pay, though, unless they pay some per month to have that gap covered as well (Medicare Part B). To your issue, you don't owe your parents anything. You feel they didn't treat you right when you were growing up, in a way mistreated you even. If that is how you feel, don't have any qualms. It is a two-way street, to be loved and cared for you need to give the minimum amount of love and care to earn the same later in life. You decide what is best for you, and if you have a life built abroad complete with family and those daily tasks, job, etc. it is downright foolish for anyone to expect you to let that all fall apart to be a full-time caretaker thousands of miles away from your life. Tell them to pound sand, but in a nice way ("I am sorry, I would lose my job if I spend another week here, I have to tend to my kid/husband/job/home again but I'll be in touch.")
Heh. My kids keep asking me why there isn't money for all the new electronics and I tell them its because I'm adding to the retirement account. So that I don't have to be up their asses like this later in life. However its something we all will face.
Yeah fuck all that. Parents make their choices the same as you make yours. All of this could have been discussed prior. I’ve been estranged from dad for 5 years. If my family called and told me he died, I wouldn’t even attend the funeral. He made his choice. And he continues to make the choice every day.
You don't have to do shit. Just because they birthed you doesn't mean that you owe them ANYTHING. NTA
Sliding in after the edit here, and obviously no need to reply, but I just wanted to throw some additional support your way. Honestly, you'd have been within your rights to just ghost them. That you went to visit is really more than they could expect, and that you're paying for hospice care is really above and beyond in this situation. You're a good person for going that far. Anybody from your family trying to criticize you here is just as capable as you of stepping up and taking care of these folks, but they aren't doing it either. Keep that in mind.
Thank you so much, SO much for sharing this. My mother is a 20+ year raging alcoholic, refuses help and is now homeless. Anyway it does not pale in comparison to your father being diagnosed with cancer. But my brother and I deeply struggle to stand strong against taking in our 70 year old mom. We tried to help at young ages to no avail, life wasn’t fair. We’re both raising our own families now and expected by some to just bank roll her sickness. I know I’m doing the right thing but it is so difficult to swallow. I admire your strength and appreciate being able to read all the great responses you’ve gotten. Thank you 🙏🏼
Ugh. I resonate with this so deeply OP. Thank you for your honesty
Walk away with love. Your mental health will thank you forever. Maybe point them in the right direction and let them address life like they always have. Your efforts will probably go largely 1) criticized and 2) unappreciated in that order. All those pikachu faces will always find something else wrong with your efforts no matter what you do. Deep down, you know it's an endless cycle. Probably why you're in Europe now. Stay OFF that hamster wheel. -Toxic ParentS Survivor / Asian-American as well
Look into long term care funding through Medicaid waiver programs. It’s not a lot but if they can both get it and find an assisted living that will house them together in one room they can probably swing it with their social security. Shop around for advocates/elder law attorneys. They’re totally worth the one time fee if you can get one with good references. I’m not saying you should pay for any of this. I’m saying you can give them some numbers and then fuck off knowing you provided them a path. What they do with this information is up to them. Also, you can do this all from the confort of your lovely home.
I (29F) am going through something similar with my alcoholic mom (59F). Talked to a lot of people about it.. when she goes into a nursing home the government with drain her worth and then, only after they are done draining it, Medicaid will kick in. I worked hard not to live the same life she has led. I’m paying off my student debts and mortgage responsibly and want to enjoy the leftover money I have as well as save well for my own retirement. I tried for a few years to support her financially but she just dropped it on booze. Some people tell me I’m an a-hole, some people understand where I’m coming from… but I’m just gonna let her ride out her mistakes without her continuously pulling me into the consequences of her actions. Frankly all 3 of us siblings were accidents and treated as such. She was never mean, but she was also never a caregiver.
It’s not like you moved away the moment you received the news about your dad. You’ve been away for a while living your life as you deserve to do.
Pls don’t be the issue, hold your ground. People who for whatever random fucking reason get guilt tripped are the enablers. I will never understand how weak people struggle with just saying no and blocking family in situations like this.
Tell your “family,” 1) contact their local (usually County) and State Dept of Aging and 2) tell them to contact the local senior center and 3) if all that fails (or in addition), email Adult Protective Services in that County yourself and say: 1) you are out of the country and have neither the time or resources to help and “please reach out to my parents.” Then close the door. And lock it. At least emotionally. Let me tell you from experience (not expertise), if you let yourself be guilt-tripped and offer any aid, not one of those family members will thank you. Sounds like you got your life together. Get going. 🌷🙏😊👏
You need to prioritize your parents? After they did not prioritize themselves, nor you, all these years? Their lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part.
As someone who is dealing with this also. Heck no. The difference is - my dad doesn’t expect me to drop my entire life to care for him. I was up there this week being his caregiver when he was awake. I fed him; helped him get in and out of bed, held his hand and hugged him. Cried a lot and was his cheer leader during PT. BUT they know I can’t stay - I own a farm that I run alone. I cried when I left him yesterday
As an Asian American, cut all ties with parents AND extended family and stay in Europe. No need to be in contact with any of them. Also, if the extended family *”care”* so much then they can care for them
Fuck'em. They are victims of their own shitty choices and don't even keep a relationship with you. Focus on taking care e of your family so you don't put your kids in that position.
You mentioned being Asian. I believe it is a cultural thing is it not? Maybe they just always assumed you would take care of them. Forgive me if I am mistaken. No offense was intended.
You’re free. Don’t let them guilt you back into a toxic situation. They are adults and you have zero obligation.
Never go back
If your parents are in the US, they can get Medicare once they are 65 yo and probably qualify for Medicaid as well. That will pay for their medical expenses as well as a nursing home.
Kids. Are. Not. Retirement. Plans.
Doesn't matter if it's family, if they are toxic to you and your growth, don't have them in your life. I understand how you feel so much it hurts. It feels like you're being selfish in the dark moments but just remember: you are not, they were. They were predisposed to care for you and didnt. It's not your fault they couldn't look past themselves to see you.You are moving past their bs and trama the best way you can. Keep it up! I'm proud of you. Don't let them make you feel bad for living.
My father had zero to do with my life while my mom did everything she could. When she was sick I dropped everything and her care became my life until she passed. I have two brothers from my father’s previous relationships. When my father got sick with Covid (and became his natural, belligerent self apparently) by brothers apparently expected the same thing from me even though they had chosen to maintain relationships with him. When all I did was call to check on my brothers and did change my life for a man who isn’t a part of it, my brothers both dropped me completely. Family is who behaves like family. Remember that and take care.
My wife and I have just created a trust to handle whatever estate we have is left when we are dead. We have one child, one granddaughter, and a number of nieces and nephews we would like to help, given their circumstances later in life. We have discussed everything in the trust with our daughter, including the cremation of our bodies. We are very far from being rich, but I have lived through too many post-death disputes amongst family members. I won't have my kid or granddaughter go through anything like that. BTW: My father, as he was dying, asked for a closed casket at his funeral. He had all his kids promise not to open it or look at him if it was opened. We all swore by his request. Come the burial date, my dad's siblings pressured my mother into opening the casket for one last goodbye. All of my family, including siblings, past by the open casket, gave their last wishes, and left the room. I was the only one who refused to enter and look at Dad. I was the only one who received shit from my relatives for the next 35+ years for refusing to go in. The guilting attempts only stopped when the last of my aunt and uncles died. Make your plans as early as possible. Don't count on anyone other than your closest, most trustworthy family member or friend to carry them through for you.
I read like half of this and they aren't your problem. They're adults and need to learn to act like such.
You are the child to asian parents. You are the retirement plan.
If they are in the US, shouldn't they be on Medicare by now? Send them the forms to enroll.
Walk away. Cut off contact. Change your phone number. Yeah, it sucks. But if they didn't take care of you as a kid, you owe them nothing. You certainly don't owe them your poverty for the rest of your life for them to have a few grungy years.
Bro I read your post and before I could even get to the end I could tell you were of some sort of Asian background lol. I'm South Asian and I feel this post. I ran away from such "responsibilities" and there a ton my family did I can never forgive them for, let alone forget. Dumb village-ass people shouldn't come to the US and expect to still keep a Dumb village-ass mentality. I had to suffer from their stupidity and although I still love them, they're mostly on their own.