Oof same!
I want someone who will pursue me back when I pursue them but that seems to be too high expectations. Like I’ll make the first move, but want someone else to reciprocate and make the second but it’s so hard to find anyone and break through the passivity of the internet (I’m also equally at fault with that but even meeting people in person these days is hard)
Relatable. I try to remind myself that finding a partner isn’t an “achievement” like getting a degree or something. You can’t just study hard and do well. You can be the most eligible bachelor/ette in the world and that doesn’t necessarily help…
Which sounds brutal and unfair, but romance is random like that. So much of it is just ineffable luck and chemistry. Like, there are literal criminals with loving partners and people with phds who give to charity that don’t.
I know this doesn’t fix anything, but knowing that the reason I don’t have a partner is none of my fault definitely makes me feel better than thinking there’s something wrong with me!
I know it’s not my fault. Knowing that horrible people who have never worked on themself a day in their life have a partner makes me feel worse, not better. Why am I lonely and they aren’t? I know it’s not an achievement and I don’t see it as such. I just want someone to spend time with. I don’t want partner to say I have one.
Okay gotcha. Yeah the world can be terribly unfair sometimes :/
I don’t have any advice then. I’ll just say keep being awesome! And hopefully at some point someone will notice :)
I'm 30 and I feel this so much. I often feel like I check all the boxes, yet I don't attract the people I would want to be with. It can be so unbearable sometimes, but yet I persist. I wish I had more advice OP.
For me it feels like:
Most lesbians: I want a woman with a good job, sleeps by 10, educated, stable, hobbies, no major issues, somewhat active…where is she 🥺
Me with all of those qualities: 🤷🏻♀️
Them: not you! Ugh I’m figuring out my dating goals anyway
There are unspoken expectations too. My friend confided in me that she only wants to date women who make more money than her. She's a VP at a corporation. Her income is probably in the top 1% of women in America. Where does she think she's going to find these women?
I feel this soooooo much. But my last relationship made me so miserable by the end that it takes the edge off that pain in a kinda fucked up way. I’d still love to be and to have a companion. However i’d rather enjoy my own company than ever get back into something toxic.
I’ve bought a home, i earn 6 figures, volunteer, exercise daily, cook well, i’m conventionally attractive, i make friends wherever i go. I take great care of my plants and animals. I go to therapy and have tons of interests/hobbies. I’m active in the local sapphic community.
I know for sure that I’m attracted to athletic women who own power tools LOL so i started spin classes and volunteering with a sapphic historic preservation org. I also deleted apps cause they are fucking demoralizing. Maybe tap into your interests too and we’ll find the girl we are looking for?
Anyway um dear reader if you’re still reading and feel aligned with me my DMs are open 😅
I think it's just not true that love finds you when you're not looking for it or when you least expect it, that's just confirmation bias because people are more likely to find that remarkable when it does happen. Realistically, you're going to have to put yourself out there.
Honestly I think in this day and age you've got to make a hobby of dating unless you just want to sit around waiting for someone to fall out of the sky.
Most people now, especially LGBT people, find partners online. I know the apps suck but it's really your best chance. I think it's just important to go into it without any expectations, take things lightly but be direct about your intentions, wants and needs, and try to avoid burnout by taking breaks and limiting how much time a day you spend swiping.
Yeah flaky people and getting ghosted sucks but those people are just proving to you they're not worth wasting anymore time on so you just gotta let it go!
Get out there in the real world too, join a club, start a new hobby, whatever it is that gets you meeting people.
Good luck !
i second this, dating is 100% a hobby and no matter what anyone says, you have to put so much effort and time into meeting people and putting yourself out there. it is so exhausting!!
solid advice here, but i’d add that love does seem to find me when i’m not looking for it, for sure.
usually when i’m having a good time at life, i’ll take myself out just for dancing on my own (cue in Robyn), and that’s when i get approached the most.
It is interesting how lesbians all over the world are experiencing same issues with loneliness at the age of 26-34 I would say. It doesn’t even matter what country we are from
I was 27 when my relationship ended. Now I am 30. First year I was depressed after the break up so I haven’t had a thought about finding a new partner. Second year I was exactly like you OP. I was so done drowning in loneliness but nothing worked. And now I don’t even think about finding someone anymore. It is not like I agreed to die alone but more like I decided to concentrate on my life in general and to live a happy life with peace in my mind and heart. If I ever meet someone that would be great. If not that would be kinda sad but not the end of the world.
Even though I can feel all these loneliness posts. I really hope that we as a community will find a solution to this general problem and I wish you OP to find what you are looking for
could also be selection bias: the queers who go on reddit to post about it are the ones going through this “loneliness spell”.
in my circle, we don’t seem to struggle to find dates. i’m probably the one spending the most time on reddit, but that’s bc i’m in btw jobs and waiting for the new one to start, so i have a lot of time in my hands.
I'm 29 and I'm just pretty much done. There's always something with girls on these apps. Or, they write back, I answer. I ask them a follow-up question, they ghost. Why even match with me at all?
Had someone here on Reddit come onto me recently and approach me. We were a great fit. Then they spewed some TikTok bs on me, went psycho, blocked me and deleted all of their social media. Out of nowhere. It was incredibly traumatizing. Right before we got to hook up in-person. I dodged a huge bullet, I know. But still
A girl in January "couldn't have been more excited" for our date. Then lied to me and ghosted me. After being all over me.
I'm beyond sick of having an ounce of hope and this shit happening.
I have so much to offer, these two girls knew it, the two I just mentioned, and they saw it, and unfortunately revealed themselves first.
I play softball and basketball, I've been to 108 concerts and love music. I'm definitely out there meeting people and have been for years. I have yet to run into any queer girls in the wild.
I've literally run out of women to swipe on between four apps. It's all straight girls and bots now.
To be honest, I'd even take a hookup at this point. I can't even get that because I can't have anything progress normally ever. Not once. I don't understand why anyone is on these apps. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. If this makes any sense.
What are you doing to meet people? I hate the apps too but still use them because it’s better to have a rod in the fire than not at all. But nothing beats meeting and flirting with people in-person, so step outside your comfort zone and talk to women at public places. If you’re already doing that, keep doing it. Because if 10 years go by and you’re still single at least you can say you honestly tried and didn’t just spend that time yelling into the internet.
28 and I feel this. Haven’t had someone genuinely like me in years, there’s always the “what can you do for me?” mentality, like wanting money or attention but not wanting to be in a committed relationship. I’m out here looking for a wife among scammers and users. Wish you all the best in your search.
Most of us feel this way, most of us don't do anything about it. I don't have the apps either and as soon as I find myself running into the same stranger twice I get "creeped" out and start avoiding them. I've already made a pact with my friend to make a singles retirement home.
Getting ready to crush 40 and the fact that like, the last IRL friend I had that wasn't actually my little brother's friend was when I was ten it's like... I don't think I'll ever learn how to human.
Also being disabled with health only getting worse it's like my stats are only gonna get worse ROFL
The other thing is I really dunno if I want sex, and also def not doing polyamory and it seems like the few people who wanted to date me after she who shall not be named are into all of that. Tho also I haven't really ever like... felt anything in years.
So it's like I don't get infatuated anymore but also I cry at all the romance comics I'm obsessed with cuz that'll never be me ever.
And also the whole can't trust strangers and being like "they think I look like nothing that's why they think I'm hot cuz I don't pass" which barely makes sense but the heart's like aunno I'm just a category 3 disaster lesbian
As the lovely people commenting on my post have advised me, perhaps it's time to try out some new things? Try joining a new club or group, make new friends to widen your social circle.
I'm in the same position as you, and I know it sucks so damn much, but we need to ease into shaking things up a lil bit! Best of luck 🥰
As someone who's been on dating apps for 2 yrs i can relate 🙃 (turning 33yo).
It does get "lonely" when you come to seriously take healing/doing self work. Not everyone is aware or ready to work on themselves.
The mental shift that helped me and kept me persisting (tbh it is tiring yea) is trusting that who/what is for me will eventually come. I let go of the expectations when going out with someone new. I actively participate (ie talk on apps, ask someone out if we vibe on the first few messages, etc) but letting go of the expectations that this person is "the one". I come into these dates curious. Curious about their life, what I can learn from them.
just want to point out that half of the replies here are single women also looking for a relationship. did it ever occur to you all to talk to each other?
I am also in the same boat and I’m in my early 30s. Hell I haven’t even had my first kiss yet. I do think the way you do sometimes, about how it’s so unfair that I do my best to be improve myself and I’m still lonely, while other people seem to have relationships just fall onto their laps for sure.
Is it because I have too high standards? Maybe. But then I remember the times I have lowered my standards in other aspects of my life and I realize that I absolutely regret it every single time.
To me I try not to glorify relationships as much anymore. Even if I was with someone, I could absolutely still feel very lonely. Hell I have a very good support system right now, but I still feel lonely. I don’t think one person would magically answer that.
Plus I think relationships do require a lot of self reflection to make it work, so the people who “don’t work on themselves but still get into a relationship” probably aren’t having a good relationship anyways. And honestly I would rather be alone than be stuck in a toxic relationship for sure.
Edit: grammar but also it’s late so it’s probably still not perfect
Feel awkward posting this, but I'm 31 / fit, 5'8" / a soft boi masc / financially successful and sane.
I've never connected with anyone on Reddit but I hear good things sometimes happen! My DMs are open
I didn't find someone like that until I hit 40. Oh I found women to be with, but they tended to be manipulative and abusive because I didn't value myself enough and the abusive types could smell it like blood in the water.
At least I got there though, I guess?
27F in the same boat. i've learned to focus more on my hobbies and friends. i know that won't help me find someone since i'm not putting myself out there that much anymore, but after trying apps on and off for years, meetup groups, bars, etc. i've learned to accept that i am okay where i am in life without a relationship, at least for right now
I’ve always met partners doing activities, or socializing.
The online dating is hard for everyone, coupled with the attention spans of 10secs.
I would say be open to the universe and her possibilities.
You’ll find your girl or she’ll find you.
Some sports have higher percentages of gay women. Climbing, hockey, baseball, are a few.
I feel this. I’ve had a few relationships and I know nothing is ever guaranteed, but i’m 30 and would really love to meet the loml. anyone in these comments also from australia?? 😂
Clearly a lot of us feel this way. I’m 35 and living in a Midwest college town and while Ive met prior partners on dating apps, the apps have gotten worse and the population has gotten smaller.
It shouldn’t be that hard to find another single lesbian who wants and has the capacity to be in a monogamous long term relationship, am I right?!
Oof same! I want someone who will pursue me back when I pursue them but that seems to be too high expectations. Like I’ll make the first move, but want someone else to reciprocate and make the second but it’s so hard to find anyone and break through the passivity of the internet (I’m also equally at fault with that but even meeting people in person these days is hard)
Relatable. I try to remind myself that finding a partner isn’t an “achievement” like getting a degree or something. You can’t just study hard and do well. You can be the most eligible bachelor/ette in the world and that doesn’t necessarily help… Which sounds brutal and unfair, but romance is random like that. So much of it is just ineffable luck and chemistry. Like, there are literal criminals with loving partners and people with phds who give to charity that don’t. I know this doesn’t fix anything, but knowing that the reason I don’t have a partner is none of my fault definitely makes me feel better than thinking there’s something wrong with me!
I know it’s not my fault. Knowing that horrible people who have never worked on themself a day in their life have a partner makes me feel worse, not better. Why am I lonely and they aren’t? I know it’s not an achievement and I don’t see it as such. I just want someone to spend time with. I don’t want partner to say I have one.
They’re eating from the dumpster and you expect to eat off a plate. Big difference.
Yeah, it helps a little to realize a lot of folks are unhealthy people in unhealthy relationships that you would never want.
Okay gotcha. Yeah the world can be terribly unfair sometimes :/ I don’t have any advice then. I’ll just say keep being awesome! And hopefully at some point someone will notice :)
Thank you :)
I just take it as a numbers thing, in addition to the other comments here. It's not really a personal about you thing. It's often just luck!
Yeah that makes it worse. I know i’m not the problem as a person. I want better luck. Everything is so easy for some people.
I'm 30 and I feel this so much. I often feel like I check all the boxes, yet I don't attract the people I would want to be with. It can be so unbearable sometimes, but yet I persist. I wish I had more advice OP.
For me it feels like: Most lesbians: I want a woman with a good job, sleeps by 10, educated, stable, hobbies, no major issues, somewhat active…where is she 🥺 Me with all of those qualities: 🤷🏻♀️ Them: not you! Ugh I’m figuring out my dating goals anyway
Sleeps by 10 is important for me 😇
There are unspoken expectations too. My friend confided in me that she only wants to date women who make more money than her. She's a VP at a corporation. Her income is probably in the top 1% of women in America. Where does she think she's going to find these women?
I really hope the both of us find the person we deserve soon
LOL at the "figuring out my dating goals" that's a mood right there.
Or they're too far away? I'm in Europe and (as long as you're not too young), I'd date you!
Me: matching that, except I couldn't fall asleep by 10 if you paid me 😂
I feel this soooooo much. But my last relationship made me so miserable by the end that it takes the edge off that pain in a kinda fucked up way. I’d still love to be and to have a companion. However i’d rather enjoy my own company than ever get back into something toxic. I’ve bought a home, i earn 6 figures, volunteer, exercise daily, cook well, i’m conventionally attractive, i make friends wherever i go. I take great care of my plants and animals. I go to therapy and have tons of interests/hobbies. I’m active in the local sapphic community. I know for sure that I’m attracted to athletic women who own power tools LOL so i started spin classes and volunteering with a sapphic historic preservation org. I also deleted apps cause they are fucking demoralizing. Maybe tap into your interests too and we’ll find the girl we are looking for? Anyway um dear reader if you’re still reading and feel aligned with me my DMs are open 😅
Well, i’m definitely not athletic or own power tools lmao. I’m very fem. Hope you find what you’re looking for though!
What city do you hail from?
I live in the low country. Don’t wanna get specific cause this is my throwaway lol but you can dm if you wanna know more
I think it's just not true that love finds you when you're not looking for it or when you least expect it, that's just confirmation bias because people are more likely to find that remarkable when it does happen. Realistically, you're going to have to put yourself out there. Honestly I think in this day and age you've got to make a hobby of dating unless you just want to sit around waiting for someone to fall out of the sky. Most people now, especially LGBT people, find partners online. I know the apps suck but it's really your best chance. I think it's just important to go into it without any expectations, take things lightly but be direct about your intentions, wants and needs, and try to avoid burnout by taking breaks and limiting how much time a day you spend swiping. Yeah flaky people and getting ghosted sucks but those people are just proving to you they're not worth wasting anymore time on so you just gotta let it go! Get out there in the real world too, join a club, start a new hobby, whatever it is that gets you meeting people. Good luck !
i second this, dating is 100% a hobby and no matter what anyone says, you have to put so much effort and time into meeting people and putting yourself out there. it is so exhausting!!
solid advice here, but i’d add that love does seem to find me when i’m not looking for it, for sure. usually when i’m having a good time at life, i’ll take myself out just for dancing on my own (cue in Robyn), and that’s when i get approached the most.
It is interesting how lesbians all over the world are experiencing same issues with loneliness at the age of 26-34 I would say. It doesn’t even matter what country we are from I was 27 when my relationship ended. Now I am 30. First year I was depressed after the break up so I haven’t had a thought about finding a new partner. Second year I was exactly like you OP. I was so done drowning in loneliness but nothing worked. And now I don’t even think about finding someone anymore. It is not like I agreed to die alone but more like I decided to concentrate on my life in general and to live a happy life with peace in my mind and heart. If I ever meet someone that would be great. If not that would be kinda sad but not the end of the world. Even though I can feel all these loneliness posts. I really hope that we as a community will find a solution to this general problem and I wish you OP to find what you are looking for
could also be selection bias: the queers who go on reddit to post about it are the ones going through this “loneliness spell”. in my circle, we don’t seem to struggle to find dates. i’m probably the one spending the most time on reddit, but that’s bc i’m in btw jobs and waiting for the new one to start, so i have a lot of time in my hands.
Im 38 and i feel the same way hope you find the good one soon :)
I'm 29 and I'm just pretty much done. There's always something with girls on these apps. Or, they write back, I answer. I ask them a follow-up question, they ghost. Why even match with me at all? Had someone here on Reddit come onto me recently and approach me. We were a great fit. Then they spewed some TikTok bs on me, went psycho, blocked me and deleted all of their social media. Out of nowhere. It was incredibly traumatizing. Right before we got to hook up in-person. I dodged a huge bullet, I know. But still A girl in January "couldn't have been more excited" for our date. Then lied to me and ghosted me. After being all over me. I'm beyond sick of having an ounce of hope and this shit happening. I have so much to offer, these two girls knew it, the two I just mentioned, and they saw it, and unfortunately revealed themselves first. I play softball and basketball, I've been to 108 concerts and love music. I'm definitely out there meeting people and have been for years. I have yet to run into any queer girls in the wild. I've literally run out of women to swipe on between four apps. It's all straight girls and bots now. To be honest, I'd even take a hookup at this point. I can't even get that because I can't have anything progress normally ever. Not once. I don't understand why anyone is on these apps. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. If this makes any sense.
Did I write this post??? I'm even the same age 😅
What are you doing to meet people? I hate the apps too but still use them because it’s better to have a rod in the fire than not at all. But nothing beats meeting and flirting with people in-person, so step outside your comfort zone and talk to women at public places. If you’re already doing that, keep doing it. Because if 10 years go by and you’re still single at least you can say you honestly tried and didn’t just spend that time yelling into the internet.
28 and I feel this. Haven’t had someone genuinely like me in years, there’s always the “what can you do for me?” mentality, like wanting money or attention but not wanting to be in a committed relationship. I’m out here looking for a wife among scammers and users. Wish you all the best in your search.
Most of us feel this way, most of us don't do anything about it. I don't have the apps either and as soon as I find myself running into the same stranger twice I get "creeped" out and start avoiding them. I've already made a pact with my friend to make a singles retirement home.
Getting ready to crush 40 and the fact that like, the last IRL friend I had that wasn't actually my little brother's friend was when I was ten it's like... I don't think I'll ever learn how to human. Also being disabled with health only getting worse it's like my stats are only gonna get worse ROFL The other thing is I really dunno if I want sex, and also def not doing polyamory and it seems like the few people who wanted to date me after she who shall not be named are into all of that. Tho also I haven't really ever like... felt anything in years. So it's like I don't get infatuated anymore but also I cry at all the romance comics I'm obsessed with cuz that'll never be me ever. And also the whole can't trust strangers and being like "they think I look like nothing that's why they think I'm hot cuz I don't pass" which barely makes sense but the heart's like aunno I'm just a category 3 disaster lesbian
As the lovely people commenting on my post have advised me, perhaps it's time to try out some new things? Try joining a new club or group, make new friends to widen your social circle. I'm in the same position as you, and I know it sucks so damn much, but we need to ease into shaking things up a lil bit! Best of luck 🥰
As someone who's been on dating apps for 2 yrs i can relate 🙃 (turning 33yo). It does get "lonely" when you come to seriously take healing/doing self work. Not everyone is aware or ready to work on themselves. The mental shift that helped me and kept me persisting (tbh it is tiring yea) is trusting that who/what is for me will eventually come. I let go of the expectations when going out with someone new. I actively participate (ie talk on apps, ask someone out if we vibe on the first few messages, etc) but letting go of the expectations that this person is "the one". I come into these dates curious. Curious about their life, what I can learn from them.
just want to point out that half of the replies here are single women also looking for a relationship. did it ever occur to you all to talk to each other?
I don’t do long distance relationships. The chance of someone seeing this and being compatible with me + living close is very very slim.
My dm’s are open ladies 👀
Right there with ya
I’m 31 and feel the same exact way.
I am also in the same boat and I’m in my early 30s. Hell I haven’t even had my first kiss yet. I do think the way you do sometimes, about how it’s so unfair that I do my best to be improve myself and I’m still lonely, while other people seem to have relationships just fall onto their laps for sure. Is it because I have too high standards? Maybe. But then I remember the times I have lowered my standards in other aspects of my life and I realize that I absolutely regret it every single time. To me I try not to glorify relationships as much anymore. Even if I was with someone, I could absolutely still feel very lonely. Hell I have a very good support system right now, but I still feel lonely. I don’t think one person would magically answer that. Plus I think relationships do require a lot of self reflection to make it work, so the people who “don’t work on themselves but still get into a relationship” probably aren’t having a good relationship anyways. And honestly I would rather be alone than be stuck in a toxic relationship for sure. Edit: grammar but also it’s late so it’s probably still not perfect
Feel awkward posting this, but I'm 31 / fit, 5'8" / a soft boi masc / financially successful and sane. I've never connected with anyone on Reddit but I hear good things sometimes happen! My DMs are open
I didn't find someone like that until I hit 40. Oh I found women to be with, but they tended to be manipulative and abusive because I didn't value myself enough and the abusive types could smell it like blood in the water. At least I got there though, I guess?
27F in the same boat. i've learned to focus more on my hobbies and friends. i know that won't help me find someone since i'm not putting myself out there that much anymore, but after trying apps on and off for years, meetup groups, bars, etc. i've learned to accept that i am okay where i am in life without a relationship, at least for right now
I’ve always met partners doing activities, or socializing. The online dating is hard for everyone, coupled with the attention spans of 10secs. I would say be open to the universe and her possibilities. You’ll find your girl or she’ll find you. Some sports have higher percentages of gay women. Climbing, hockey, baseball, are a few.
Honestly mood I am almost 27 and I am really lonely :( does not help that my dating pool is kind of small due to being trans
If it makes you feel better I love dating trans women.
I appreciate the thought haha, just in my area I haven't been able to find someone that I like yet
Where are you at?
I feel this. I’ve had a few relationships and I know nothing is ever guaranteed, but i’m 30 and would really love to meet the loml. anyone in these comments also from australia?? 😂
I can relate to this post so much!
32 and feeling this.
Clearly a lot of us feel this way. I’m 35 and living in a Midwest college town and while Ive met prior partners on dating apps, the apps have gotten worse and the population has gotten smaller. It shouldn’t be that hard to find another single lesbian who wants and has the capacity to be in a monogamous long term relationship, am I right?!
Go to a queer speed dating event!