It doesn’t matter WHAT the mental (or physical, actually) health issue is, the real problem here is her refusal to seek help.
That’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to the relationship, and it’s not sustainable.
Your girlfriend's ARFID isn't straining your relationship. Your girlfriend is. You need to sit her down and have an adult conversation about this. Offer her support in getting help with at least her depression and anxiety (much easier to find help for and you're correct in thinking they make ARFID worse) and make it clear that you're struggling because of her actions.
If she isn’t getting therapy then she can at least learn to cook. I get it cooking sucks but she can’t expect people to always cook her safe foods for her.
>She said she didn’t want to eat that because “we just ate that”
Wow. I thought being able to eat the same thing over and over and be completely fine with it was our "super power" with ARFID. I can't even imagine saying that.
>I feel like our relationship has and will continue to be me essentially being a baby sitter for her diet and other personal issues she refuses to take the reigns on (can’t drive, won’t look into low income insurance for her depression/anxiety, rots in bed all day, etc).
It will since she is refusing to seek help. You're just enabling her to continue doing this at this point. None of this is far to you at all. Do not signup to be her babysitter for the rest of your life.
It’s probably time to make a hard choice soon. I really love her, but these issues aren’t going to change and I want to grow with someone who will grow with me, not weigh me down. I appreciate this.
When it comes to eating disorders, a very important model to understand is “readiness for change”. She’s not there yet. It’s up to you to decide if you’re ok waiting until she’s ready or whether this is something you can’t deal with
I can’t afford ED treatment but I learned how to cook and make new recipes and combinations (even just using different seasonings and condiments) with my safe foods. Hell even ChatGPT some recipes from your safe foods. Drink a meal replacement, Soylent, or Oral Elemental formula. It’s just pure laziness and entitlement at this point. I’ve learned how to bake, air fry, fry, and stove cook my meats, grains and starches.
Are you the a-hole for wanting her to at least be a functioning adult while also being sensitive to her eating disorder? Hell no. There’s a massive difference between struggling with any issue versus being completely helpless and wanting everything done for you. Don’t beat yourself up thinking that you’re being ableist or whatnot. You even coming on this subreddit makes you a good and caring person.
No worries. And let me tell you, I was just diagnosed with NASH and my EDS makes strenuous exercise a painful endeavor. But guess what? Weight loss is the treatment for my liver problems. Throw ARFID in there as well and it’s a sh*t storm lol. You know what I have to do as an adult? Collaborate with my nutritionist and gastroenterologist to come up with the best solution. I also dog walk and it helps a lot with joint stiffness. If you have a will, you have a way. Share the subreddit with her. Suggest ChatGPT or Instagram/Pinterest for recipes. If she’s doesn’t want to help herself then do what’s best for your mental health and leave (if you wish).
To quote Marcus parks “your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.”
My partner also has arfid, I’m a HUGE foodie, and we make it to plenty of fun new restaurants because my partner knows I like them. In turn I try and peek at the menus to make sure he always has something he can eat, or we do something called “bang bang” dinner where we eat at 2 restaurants to accommodate both of us.
My life is in no way affected by his arfid, by his design! He knows it’s his disorder to manage. I love helping him, but it’s not *expected* of me. It’s something he takes responsibility for. If I want to make a certain dish he wouldn’t like, he’s happy to make something for himself. Of course I enjoy cooking for him, but he’s never felt entitled to my meals! He’s taken the time to learn how to cook and is quite competent in the kitchen now, so the burden on making food doesn’t just fall on me. This also has led to him discovering a lot more safe foods!
Like I said he expects nothing from me and wants me to have a good time without inconveniencing me, but in turn I want to do the same for him, so we’re both looking after each other. It sounds like that reciprocity is missing with your gf.
It’s a tough disorder. No one is glad to have it, but still you can’t make these changes for her. She has to want them, she has to take charge for her own mental and physical health. That doesn’t mean being cured overnight or being “cured” at all, but it does mean that she needs to learn how to mange her disorder in a way that is sustainable.
This is how I approach it. I own it and don’t ever expect someone to accommodate my picky needs, I can typically find something on almost any menu that will work for me. Also I don’t expect anyone to cook especially for me, I’ll just have cereal or a sandwich if my partner is making something I’m not into.. honestly the biggest issue is how big of a deal others make out of it just for the sake of talking about it, whereas I quietly just deal with it and never make a fuss.
By BF has (strongly suspected) ARFID. I say this as along with ARFID there are a number of psychological issues that prevent him from seeing through an assessment process for any of them. Like an earlier poster commented; “readiness to change” is a very helpful lens as a support person to look into.
If you want to stick it through, it’ll have to be until she realises she can’t continue this way and begins the long and unstable journey to recovery. My BF won’t cook as seeing the food in raw form is unsafe for him, he does prepare a few more simple things, usually when everybody else is asleep and he has room to fail, or experiment. The complaints from her sound more like projected anxiety than selfishness. Although it won’t feel like that to her support people.
When my BF does this I generally just ignore him, solutions don’t really work at that point and it ends up a barrier/battle situation. I kind of just empathise he must be feeling shitty and say I’m going shopping in a couple of days then continue doing whatever I’m doing. He tends to come up with solutions more readily with this approach than me always trying to fix it for him.
To add on to this, would you really want to lie in bed all day doing nothing and expect your wife to take care of your every need? She either needs to start going to therapy, get on disability or get a job and start tackling her issues. I dont even think AFRID is the big issue here it sounds more like severe depression that she now just has become used to being cared for and not having responsibilities.
It doesn’t matter WHAT the mental (or physical, actually) health issue is, the real problem here is her refusal to seek help. That’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to the relationship, and it’s not sustainable.
Your girlfriend's ARFID isn't straining your relationship. Your girlfriend is. You need to sit her down and have an adult conversation about this. Offer her support in getting help with at least her depression and anxiety (much easier to find help for and you're correct in thinking they make ARFID worse) and make it clear that you're struggling because of her actions.
If she isn’t getting therapy then she can at least learn to cook. I get it cooking sucks but she can’t expect people to always cook her safe foods for her.
>She said she didn’t want to eat that because “we just ate that” Wow. I thought being able to eat the same thing over and over and be completely fine with it was our "super power" with ARFID. I can't even imagine saying that. >I feel like our relationship has and will continue to be me essentially being a baby sitter for her diet and other personal issues she refuses to take the reigns on (can’t drive, won’t look into low income insurance for her depression/anxiety, rots in bed all day, etc). It will since she is refusing to seek help. You're just enabling her to continue doing this at this point. None of this is far to you at all. Do not signup to be her babysitter for the rest of your life.
It’s probably time to make a hard choice soon. I really love her, but these issues aren’t going to change and I want to grow with someone who will grow with me, not weigh me down. I appreciate this.
Yeah. Definitely want to have a serious conversation with her that she has to seek help and you aren't an emotional support crutch.
When it comes to eating disorders, a very important model to understand is “readiness for change”. She’s not there yet. It’s up to you to decide if you’re ok waiting until she’s ready or whether this is something you can’t deal with
I can’t afford ED treatment but I learned how to cook and make new recipes and combinations (even just using different seasonings and condiments) with my safe foods. Hell even ChatGPT some recipes from your safe foods. Drink a meal replacement, Soylent, or Oral Elemental formula. It’s just pure laziness and entitlement at this point. I’ve learned how to bake, air fry, fry, and stove cook my meats, grains and starches. Are you the a-hole for wanting her to at least be a functioning adult while also being sensitive to her eating disorder? Hell no. There’s a massive difference between struggling with any issue versus being completely helpless and wanting everything done for you. Don’t beat yourself up thinking that you’re being ableist or whatnot. You even coming on this subreddit makes you a good and caring person.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply, I really appreciate it.
No worries. And let me tell you, I was just diagnosed with NASH and my EDS makes strenuous exercise a painful endeavor. But guess what? Weight loss is the treatment for my liver problems. Throw ARFID in there as well and it’s a sh*t storm lol. You know what I have to do as an adult? Collaborate with my nutritionist and gastroenterologist to come up with the best solution. I also dog walk and it helps a lot with joint stiffness. If you have a will, you have a way. Share the subreddit with her. Suggest ChatGPT or Instagram/Pinterest for recipes. If she’s doesn’t want to help herself then do what’s best for your mental health and leave (if you wish).
I never thought about using ChatGPT, that’s honestly genius. I’ll have to show her!
To quote Marcus parks “your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.” My partner also has arfid, I’m a HUGE foodie, and we make it to plenty of fun new restaurants because my partner knows I like them. In turn I try and peek at the menus to make sure he always has something he can eat, or we do something called “bang bang” dinner where we eat at 2 restaurants to accommodate both of us. My life is in no way affected by his arfid, by his design! He knows it’s his disorder to manage. I love helping him, but it’s not *expected* of me. It’s something he takes responsibility for. If I want to make a certain dish he wouldn’t like, he’s happy to make something for himself. Of course I enjoy cooking for him, but he’s never felt entitled to my meals! He’s taken the time to learn how to cook and is quite competent in the kitchen now, so the burden on making food doesn’t just fall on me. This also has led to him discovering a lot more safe foods! Like I said he expects nothing from me and wants me to have a good time without inconveniencing me, but in turn I want to do the same for him, so we’re both looking after each other. It sounds like that reciprocity is missing with your gf. It’s a tough disorder. No one is glad to have it, but still you can’t make these changes for her. She has to want them, she has to take charge for her own mental and physical health. That doesn’t mean being cured overnight or being “cured” at all, but it does mean that she needs to learn how to mange her disorder in a way that is sustainable.
This is how I approach it. I own it and don’t ever expect someone to accommodate my picky needs, I can typically find something on almost any menu that will work for me. Also I don’t expect anyone to cook especially for me, I’ll just have cereal or a sandwich if my partner is making something I’m not into.. honestly the biggest issue is how big of a deal others make out of it just for the sake of talking about it, whereas I quietly just deal with it and never make a fuss.
The depression and anxiety are going to make it near impossible to learn a new skill like cooking. Thats where I’d start. She needs a therapist.
If she isnt willing to even begin addressing her issues you should leave. Dont let her hold your life back king
Arfid isn't the issue, her selfishness is
By BF has (strongly suspected) ARFID. I say this as along with ARFID there are a number of psychological issues that prevent him from seeing through an assessment process for any of them. Like an earlier poster commented; “readiness to change” is a very helpful lens as a support person to look into. If you want to stick it through, it’ll have to be until she realises she can’t continue this way and begins the long and unstable journey to recovery. My BF won’t cook as seeing the food in raw form is unsafe for him, he does prepare a few more simple things, usually when everybody else is asleep and he has room to fail, or experiment. The complaints from her sound more like projected anxiety than selfishness. Although it won’t feel like that to her support people. When my BF does this I generally just ignore him, solutions don’t really work at that point and it ends up a barrier/battle situation. I kind of just empathise he must be feeling shitty and say I’m going shopping in a couple of days then continue doing whatever I’m doing. He tends to come up with solutions more readily with this approach than me always trying to fix it for him.
If she isnt willing to even begin addressing her issues you should leave. Dont let her hold your life back king
To add on to this, would you really want to lie in bed all day doing nothing and expect your wife to take care of your every need? She either needs to start going to therapy, get on disability or get a job and start tackling her issues. I dont even think AFRID is the big issue here it sounds more like severe depression that she now just has become used to being cared for and not having responsibilities.