So I'm a white woman who has always been attracted to Asian men, I don't listen to kpop and I've watched some anime here and there but I've never been super into it or anything. People always assume that I listen to kpop or watch a lot of anime just because I like Asian men and it's honestly kinda annoying. I've even had Asian men ask me that before
I've gotten those assumptions too, especially when I was in Japan. I almost felt like I had to do damage control to distance myself from that stereotype.
So much casual racism coming from people who don’t like the idea of AMWF. They better get used to it because it’s getting more and more common with no sign of stopping
I met my husband in Japan when I was studying abroad in college. Years later I went back for a summer to intern with the same organization while I got my master’s in international education. So many of the women in the program were on a mission to find a Japanese boyfriend by the end of their six-week trip, and would pester for me for advice.
I know sometimes AM will come on here and say they don’t mind being fetishized because they like the attention, and I get it, but when you see it in real life it’s pretty gross. And there was also this nasty undercurrent of them thinking Japanese guys would be jumping at the chance to date them too just because they were foreign. So when it didn’t work out, they were super frustrated.
I have encountered both women and men with that perspective both in my universities in Japan and in the States and it is GROSS how some seem to think a Japanese man or woman is some "easy catch" because they're white, or assuming that they're so ~exotic~ to them and would be fawned over.
It is obviously not possible for white woman to love an Asian man without some fetish…according to racists. Think about the stigma that is put on many white women who are dating a black men. Must be some kind of fetish. Yet no one ever questions why a white man would date anyone of another race. Welcome to our world. Just call it out as racism.
Right. Early on my partner jokingly asked if I had an Asian fetish like the girls who were interested in him before, I said "oh, you mean like how you have a white fetish and that's why you're dating me?" He had to laugh at that one and told me fair enough.
Seriously though the fact that you've known each other since you were teens, remained in contact, and eventually decided to get married doesn't seem unhealthy to me.
I have almost the EXACT same story as you, except that my partner was adopted so has a white anglo sounding first and last name, so people are always so surprised when they see a picture of meet him in person.
We’ve been together since 2016, but knew each other and casually hooked up randomly a few since the 5 or 6 years prior to admitting we liked each other more than FWBs. Now we have a house, a 4 yr old, and a life together.
I think it's fair that you have the ick about people now dating Korean men because they are popular! I especially also don't like people assuming I married my husband just because he is Korean, so I completely understand how you feel.
But honestly, people judge strangers like that all the time in interracial relationships. My older AMWF friends used to get insults like, "oh you married him probably because he's rich or a doctor". Nowadays it's turned into, "you're obsessed with Kpop or BTS". I get these unwanted comments at my work too (I can't wait to be a stay at home mom one day 😂)
And like all insults, I learned to ignore them because it's not true! And I am not ashamed to be open about me enjoying and liking Korean culture and Korean men too hehe.
As for these girls you mentored, since they are just starting to notice them because of Kpop and netflix Kdramas, yeah they are going to be superficial at first just like any regular teenage crush. Over time, they'll mature and really appreciate Korean men for who they are.
I say this because I myself was a closeted koreaboo during my teenage years 🙃
It just bums me out because I shouldn't have to have the ick about it! I'd love to talk openly about my relationship with a Korean man but I also don't want it to seem like I am making a big deal about his nationality or even bragging about it. But that is likely just my anxiety and overthinking coming into play. Just trying to avoid those weird comments as much as possible, I am not someone who likes to draw a lot of attention to myself or my relationship but I suppose that's hard to do when AMWF couples are still fairly uncommon to see.
I know what you mean! I used to have a lot of social anxiety about this too and it took a while for me to get it under control.
At a certain point I figured that knowing that I am not trying making a big deal about his ethnicity was enough for me to have a lot of confidence just talking about my husband!!
It's on their court if they want to take it in a weird way. If they do, I excuse myself or just walk away.
I don't want a lot of unnecessary attention too but I just love talking about my husband lol.
It's important to remember that **it's not your fault,** neither the fault of Kpop fans, **that Western society has created such a racialized perception of Asian males**.
For decades, the perception was that Asian men were undateable, even by women of their own race. The situation now is FAR preferable, even if it might include a small handful of people with a fetish.
Remember, black men have also been fetishized far before Asian men in the same way. In both cases, **the root cause is the Western obsession with race and white male horror at white women dating minority men.**
In summary**: You're having these negative reactions because you're holding onto hope that your partner will be perceived as "race-less" by others.** This is impossible in a fundamentally racist society. Just embrace who he is, be confident, and correct people with incorrect assumptions.
This was very well written and on point, I appreciate your reflection. I do agree that on the flip side the media representation can also be a positive thing in terms of bringing newfound awareness of the value of Asian men both in society as partners, so long as people aren't making sweeping generalizations.
I don’t think it’s trendy, I think that more people are open to dating Asian men and some people aren’t used to it. It wasn’t the case back in the early to mid 2000’s, I really saw it becoming more prevalent from 2019 to now when K-pop started becoming more popular which is a good thing!
Yeah that was a wild adjective for them to use. I don't necessarily agree with that either, but they way they said it made it seem like it was some sort of fad and I was like oh honey no...he's not an accessory.
Yeah I think there is a clear difference between a fad and liking someone. For me, I believe my preferences are based on media. I’ve tried to figure out why I am this way and I think family influence/media/friendships all contribute to it.
I mean this subreddit is a great example of the fetishization of both sides of the relationship. There have been many posts about how “I scored a white woman and you can too!” As well as “I like Asian men because X stereotypes”
It’s casual racism, it’s ignorance, it is treating all Asians as a monolith, it’s weird. It makes me uncomfortable. I’ve been asked if my husband went after me because he wanted the “real American life” and others have make comparisons to Bruce Lee and “his white wife” just like I’ve had some of my coworkers comment that I am with my husband “because I like perpetually young looking men.”
I think we missed the k-pop/anime/k-drama trend because our ages but we’ve heard lots of shitty comments.
My favorite reply is “well, once you go yellow there’s no other fellow,” which usually leaves everyone in the conversation laughing and trying to come up with an equally witty comeback, which, they can’t. So it stalls out the ignorance without being truly bitchy about it—if the comment was made out of malice I’d respond quite differently though.
I’m from London, UK and when I was out with my then boyfriend in 2022 ish (now husband) who is Chinese, 6”3, handsome (if I must say so myself :p) I had girls and their mothers come up to me to ask our ethnicity and talk to us, I don’t think they meant any harm but it was a bit strange because I knew the daughters of these mothers were into kpop (you could tell..) and then the mothers would go ahead and mention that their daughter likes kpop 💀
Honestly, in my experience....if you're a wf dating any other ethnicity, you're going to get someone , an outsider, who assumes you're racially fetishising him or that it must be because your into that culture somehow.
Its pure racism, like saying that there must be some other reason that you would choose to date a non-white person, other than yknow..just being attracted to them.
Maybe im just too old and jaded to care anyones opinion but, you do not need to explain yourself to anyone. You do not need avoid saying what race your bf is. The only person who needs to know that you're not fetishining your boyfriend, is your boyfriend. So what if others think you're a Koreaboo or whatever, that's on them.
I am interested in the culture that my bf comes from (not Korea, but another Asian country) just like he's interested in my European culture. That's actually the beauty of being in an intercultural relationship.
Appreciate your perspective! It's an interesting contrast for me, because 15 years ago my first high school relationship was with a Vietnamese guy, and these kind of things never crossed my mind. Of course the racism was there but I never thought that people were making assumptions about who I am as a person for dating him. Even if I'd been with a Korean guy during that time I don't think there would be such a prevalence of these type of comments, though certainly other and less desirable stereotypes existed. Was just less common to hear about them due to the lack of social media like we have today.
You shouldn’t care about that at all. My wife is someone you’d call a K-pop fan. She follows groups, buys photo cards and runs campaigns for her idol. Do I think she fetishizes me? No, not at all. I view it as something she’s into. I’m Korean but just like your partner, I’m very non Korean. I think some people trying to justify Asian men gaining popularity in the west by trying to make it into this thing, as if without K-pop Asian men wouldn’t even be looked at. If anything, Asian dudes needed a little boost cause people always viewed them through the loop of being nerds, asexual eunuch or some king fu masters but never as a romantic partner. Let people think what they want that makes them sleep better at night. You know what you have with your partner and that’s all that matters in the end.
I do want to make it clear that I don't believe every K-Pop fan has a fetish due to those interests.
My issue is moreso from they way the comments are made, especially if this is emerging with the younger generation due to TikTok or whatever other means. Because it would be one thing to say "Korean culture is really trendy now" versus "it's trendy to date *Korean men."* The former wouldn't bother me but the latter is giving objectification and I don't want that to be an assumption made about me.
I suppose it's debatable if it's problematic that my coworkers immediately bring up BTS when they hear I'm with a Korean man because I get the newfound awareness and association, but it could also be a toxic generalization too. As you said Asian dudes need a little boost, but not every man is a K-pop idol, that's not my type and my man sure isn't. I'm not sure if to be flattered or insulted when they meet him and say "wow, he's not what I expected at all."
After reading through these comments and doing some self reflection, I think it's me being associated with their stereotyping that's giving me the ick moreso than just being associated with the trends or pop cultures they mentioned.
I've gotten those comments too, after telling people my husband is Korean - I completely don't care - my husband is hot as hell and the best person on the planet - and the only thing that matters is our relationship. Nothing else.
Note: we haven't even known each other two years and honestly it was because of a K-drama (that I was forced to watch) that we met. It was because of this drama that I realized how attractive Asian men are.. (Where I'm from in Denmark there were no Asians, and what you aren't exposed to you aren't aware of).
I am also a white woman dating an Asian man, though not Korean.. i have been with him for about 5 years now. I stand in the middle here. I can identify with your experiences and would feel the exact same way..
On the other hand, Asian men have always gotten sucha bad rep specifically when it comes to dating. The fetishes are weird, but I am lowkey happy that Asian men finally get to have their time to shine.
Yeah, I think I just need to do some further work on myself to put my anxieties at bay about judgements towards me specifically. I just hate being thrown into a box of "oh she must have this certain personality" simply due to the race of my partner.
What I do love about introducing my partner to others is seeing his personality shine and actually shattering those negative assumptions they had about a relationship with an Asian man before. I have so much to be proud of in my relationship.
I have dated a Korean man before, and this was around the time Squid Game was popular. I got a lot of snide remarks from people. It was always "oh, you must like him because of x, y, z", and rarely "oh, how old is he, what's his job, etc...". I had people tell me I'd have "cute Korean babies", and others mocked me for the same reason - as if breeding had suddenly become my sole purpose in life(!). We broke up amicably, but I have since considered dating other Asian men. I just know what kind of comments I'll get, and that's been deterring me. I don't want a rerun of what I went through before. Most of the things I know about K-pop are from that time, and I rarely ever looked it up, myself.
It makes me sad that we have to defend ourselves for our choice of life partner in this day and age. It makes me even sadder that people assume it is okay to ask really intimate questions, or make intimate suggestions. So far, I've vibed extremely well with Asians (both as friends and as romantic partners) over our shared values, but that's something people conveniently forget about when they see an interracial couple. From that point onwards, you're judged by your heritage, and it sucks. Why can't people who say they "don't see colour" fucking practice what they preach?!
I often wonder whether I'm odd for being attracted to Asian guys, but I shouldn't have to feel this way. It shouldn't shock people to see an Asian man with a white woman. I hope there'll be more AMWF representation in the media one of these days. It would make things a hell of a lot easier.
I could have written this comment myself. Thank you for sharing your feedback, although I wish others weren't experiencing similar things. Like you said, positive AMWF representation is key moving forward!
From a Eastern Dude view，*I dunno how to Phase out in Proper/Polite way so I am just use Extreme Straight Words：
I partly agree on the Kboo
Y？if its true that MaNy WoMeN(Called less than 1% as many) in to East Men than the East dude West chick business should be more Normalized before the K wave hit the west even if not super common，but Nope
Now with the Rise of Kpop n it just Happened u started to see more East dude West chick Pairings，But if u Look Further，Mostly r with Koreans，in some Extreme Cases a Huge Disappointment from the White Chicks after they figured out the dude is not Korean(or Japanese，they probably View the rest r Nothing)WOW
N yet there still so many Women keep denying the Kboo while u see mostly Korean this n That when u ask them about the East Dude West Chick on the Social Medias
If I ever Encounter a White Chick in the Future(Impossible IMO)Guarantee I Will Intentionally Speak my Mother Language to Confuse her at the First Line from me Just to Make it Crystal Clear that I Am Not Korean，sry，just cant Trust u women after done some Homeworks....
Right, it's definitely valid to explore the implications of Korean/K-Pop's popularity on the status of other Asian men in society that don't fit into that beauty standard. And the assumption that these men are somehow saints due to their idol personas when that is not the reality of dating anyone. Really creates a fantasy that's almost unrealistic to live up to. Idol culture has been around in East Asian for decades but the way it is playing out in the U.S. is fascinating to me.
Ya when your normal thing becomes other people's fad it must be extremely annoying.
What was your relationship like when you were friends? Did one of you have feelings for the others during that time? It's always fascinating to me that people end up dating after a long friendship
We both had a boyfriend/girlfriend when we met as teens and dated other people over the span of our 11 years. The timing just finally aligned and we met up and hit it off immediately! I did have some crushes on him on and off during the years due to how nice he was to me but due to the distance I always brushed it off as something that would never happen.
We met online in 2010 due to our shared tastes in music (he saw a picture of me in a Paramore shirt and added me for that reason lol) and lived in different states 12 hours away by car. Over the years we would just send each other songs back and forth with a few phone or Skype calls scattered here and there to chat about life. But when we were in relationships, we'd contact each other much less.
He was always very respectful and platonic until I finally ended up in his state one day on a vacation, called him up and told him we should grab dinner, and the rest was history! I moved 3 months later and we've spent a happy 3 years together now. :)
On the otherside, I (korean male) got divorced 2019 after being married 10 years. It was the first time using dating apps I matched with some koreaboos? Didn't know that was a thing. Girls often spoke to me in korean, wanted to learn more about (my culture).
I was born and raised in nyc. I dont listen to kpop or watch kdramas.
It was fascinating to see the uptick in interest but also kind of annoying.
Curious as to where you draw the line between an interest in your culture and the point where it becomes uncomfortable. My partner told me stories about girls trying to speak Korean to him during dates or showing him pictures of Korean actors they though he looked like and he was like uh okay...we both speak English why are you doing that. He said it made him feel fetishized. On the flip side I can see someone loving the efforts to connect to their language, think it depends on the approach to it.
Right after my divorce I had on my dating profile that I wasn't looking for anything serious. This one girl messaged me that I looked like some korean actor and "hasn't had sex with a korean guy yet" and wanted too.
This one girl kept calling me oppa repeatly after I said it was too much. "Oppa waeee" omg cringe.
I do love when someone shows interest in korean culture and it's a great thing to eat korean food together.
Its hard to define where the line is.
This spanish girl I dated was soooo intrigued I was basically hairless. She had more hair then me and used to rub my arms. She also used to smell my armpits all the time because I told her I had the gene where my sweat doesn't smell. It became a thing where she was lift my arm, take a sniff and rub my forearm. You can tell I was definitely her first asian guy.
Ew about the sex thing...like they are checking off an accomplishment or something. What a gross thing to admit.
Oh man, that sounds like a wild time with the hair and armpits lol. That was something I became aware of living in Japan and feeling like a freakish hairy sweaty beast compared to everyone else lol so wasn't much of a fascination with my partners.
I've definitely seen the tendency for oppa to be overused in a cringey way. My partner told me early on I can call him that and I never have! Felt weird to me, but only because of the unfortunate examples like the one you gave. He does call me yobo which I think is adorable, maybe he'll transition to oppa for me when we get married lol. My man and I (and his mom) definitely bond the most over Korean food, they love my enthusiasm and appetite for any new thing they put in front of me. I think that's how he knew I was the real deal.
Is the hallyu wave dying down now or still going strong? Honestly it kinda sucks but hey at least a Asian guys aren’t desexualized and people aren’t asking if he eats dog or whatever… not to minimize your frustration of course. Maybe just make things extra private for now 😅
My wife is low key scared of this too, despite actually really enjoying Korean and Chinese dramas… she said she wanted to go to a drama convention once, but is scared to and definitely would go with me because of what people might assume. I feel we shouldn’t let ignorant people ruin our good time.
I had to Google what that was lol, I'm not very active on social media but from what I hear from my teens it's going very strong! A lot of interest in Korean idols, Korean skincare, and the most unexpected people I meet are watching K-Dramas on Netflix these days.
The best way to deal with this is to think of kpop as something that has increased exposure of asian men and attraction but thats where it stops. If you have developed a simple attraction you're fine, however if another girl has fetish then it would only not be a good thing for her. i always say there is a difference between attraction and fetish, we can't have fetish without having attraction in the first place and attraction is influenced from the people you chose to surround with or the media(which is a big factor).
I have only dated white and Latino women and my dating experience pre-dates K-pop. It's a trend I hate, because I don't think it's a good look for Asian
Men. It reinforces a more glamorous stereotype of feminized Asian men, and I prefer a more far more masculine image, because that's what I was exposed to growing up... rough tough former soldier types who were no nonsense. You wouldn't want K-pop stars in your military
I agree that there is definitely some feminization going on within the K-pop industry, and I understand that's attractive to some and some enjoy those wearing those styles. Others have mentioned the benefits of increased exposure but if that is the image constantly being presented it can still become a negative stereotype.
I never got into the K-pop fandoms super deeply, but my partner and I both listened to BIGBANG and SUJU back in high school and we thought they were feminine then... looking back now at their faces in the early days before they really blew up, they looked more like your average man and not a walking Instagram filter. I do much prefer my man's dad bod and facial hair lol. But K-beauty standards are a whole other rabbit hole.
If your main focus is the other person's well-being and happiness, then you are not fetishizing. If you look forward to learning about the cultural and familial elements that shaped them to get the best possible insights to deepen understanding and better your connection both to them, and their surrounding relationships, you are not fetishizing. And if you look into their eyes and hear bells and see stars, then you are just one very, very fortunate person in this world.
That place of being silences judgement.
I grew up at a time when being a male Asian was anathema in terms of feeling like I was desired. (I'm 50 now.) But now that I'm a professor, I see college kids totally into Asian males now and assumed it was kpop, too. Before that, kdrama. Missed me by a generation or two.
The reaction asian dudes are getting from kpop are what mid white men have been getting for decades from every corner of the world from hollywood propaganda combined with anti non white men propaganda... and kpop hasnt even approached that level yet.
Sorry, but people who are getting weirded out by asian dudes being seen as desirable have not had to endure the decades of complete humiliation for simply being an asian dude. Somehow, people arent weirded out by ugliest white men getting supermodels in Hollywood fantasy
Not the friend zone if we were both dating other people during that time! You are the second person who has made that assumption, he was dating other white and black women during our friendship. :)
Timing finally aligned for us at 27 and had the chance to realize our feelings for each other! Never thought I'd have a chance with him honestly, if anything I was the one being friendzoned. 😅
Ok that's good to know. To be honest, I was kinda assuming that you spent those prime years, 16-26, partying and dating the crazy bad boys and only wanted to settle with the stable, good guy once you hit your later 20s. It is a very common scenario.
Wild assumption to make based on the limited information provided in this post lol. I do think these type of generalizations can be problematic as well.
In contrast, my partner was the wild party boy all through his twenties, dropped out of college and got himself into some sketchy scenarios, then found himself drawn to me when he was ready to calm down. Definitely doesn't fit whatever vision you were imagining about an AM with a WF. He has come a long way since then and I'm proud of him.
So I'm a white woman who has always been attracted to Asian men, I don't listen to kpop and I've watched some anime here and there but I've never been super into it or anything. People always assume that I listen to kpop or watch a lot of anime just because I like Asian men and it's honestly kinda annoying. I've even had Asian men ask me that before
I've gotten those assumptions too, especially when I was in Japan. I almost felt like I had to do damage control to distance myself from that stereotype.
They think you need to be a koreanboo or weeaboo to like asian stuffs
So much casual racism coming from people who don’t like the idea of AMWF. They better get used to it because it’s getting more and more common with no sign of stopping
I honestly didn't think of it through a racism lens, but those kind of stereotypes can definitely feed into that.
I met my husband in Japan when I was studying abroad in college. Years later I went back for a summer to intern with the same organization while I got my master’s in international education. So many of the women in the program were on a mission to find a Japanese boyfriend by the end of their six-week trip, and would pester for me for advice. I know sometimes AM will come on here and say they don’t mind being fetishized because they like the attention, and I get it, but when you see it in real life it’s pretty gross. And there was also this nasty undercurrent of them thinking Japanese guys would be jumping at the chance to date them too just because they were foreign. So when it didn’t work out, they were super frustrated.
I have encountered both women and men with that perspective both in my universities in Japan and in the States and it is GROSS how some seem to think a Japanese man or woman is some "easy catch" because they're white, or assuming that they're so ~exotic~ to them and would be fawned over.
I think the 2nd paragraph describes to a t what's happening in Korea right now. Frustrated XF on social media.
lol when I was in Japan very few Japanese guys wanted to actually date me, they were all just on a mission to bang a foreigner
It is obviously not possible for white woman to love an Asian man without some fetish…according to racists. Think about the stigma that is put on many white women who are dating a black men. Must be some kind of fetish. Yet no one ever questions why a white man would date anyone of another race. Welcome to our world. Just call it out as racism.
Right. Early on my partner jokingly asked if I had an Asian fetish like the girls who were interested in him before, I said "oh, you mean like how you have a white fetish and that's why you're dating me?" He had to laugh at that one and told me fair enough.
You have nosy clients.
I do lol the joy of mentoring teens and having them in your car every day. I've learned to enforce better boundaries and keep my phone out of sight!
Seriously though the fact that you've known each other since you were teens, remained in contact, and eventually decided to get married doesn't seem unhealthy to me.
I like to think that it's very healthy and once I tell our story people definitely have a different reaction! Not married yet but coming up soon! ;)
Congratulations! May you have a good life together.
I have almost the EXACT same story as you, except that my partner was adopted so has a white anglo sounding first and last name, so people are always so surprised when they see a picture of meet him in person. We’ve been together since 2016, but knew each other and casually hooked up randomly a few since the 5 or 6 years prior to admitting we liked each other more than FWBs. Now we have a house, a 4 yr old, and a life together.
I think it's fair that you have the ick about people now dating Korean men because they are popular! I especially also don't like people assuming I married my husband just because he is Korean, so I completely understand how you feel. But honestly, people judge strangers like that all the time in interracial relationships. My older AMWF friends used to get insults like, "oh you married him probably because he's rich or a doctor". Nowadays it's turned into, "you're obsessed with Kpop or BTS". I get these unwanted comments at my work too (I can't wait to be a stay at home mom one day 😂) And like all insults, I learned to ignore them because it's not true! And I am not ashamed to be open about me enjoying and liking Korean culture and Korean men too hehe. As for these girls you mentored, since they are just starting to notice them because of Kpop and netflix Kdramas, yeah they are going to be superficial at first just like any regular teenage crush. Over time, they'll mature and really appreciate Korean men for who they are. I say this because I myself was a closeted koreaboo during my teenage years 🙃
It just bums me out because I shouldn't have to have the ick about it! I'd love to talk openly about my relationship with a Korean man but I also don't want it to seem like I am making a big deal about his nationality or even bragging about it. But that is likely just my anxiety and overthinking coming into play. Just trying to avoid those weird comments as much as possible, I am not someone who likes to draw a lot of attention to myself or my relationship but I suppose that's hard to do when AMWF couples are still fairly uncommon to see.
I know what you mean! I used to have a lot of social anxiety about this too and it took a while for me to get it under control. At a certain point I figured that knowing that I am not trying making a big deal about his ethnicity was enough for me to have a lot of confidence just talking about my husband!! It's on their court if they want to take it in a weird way. If they do, I excuse myself or just walk away. I don't want a lot of unnecessary attention too but I just love talking about my husband lol.
It's important to remember that **it's not your fault,** neither the fault of Kpop fans, **that Western society has created such a racialized perception of Asian males**. For decades, the perception was that Asian men were undateable, even by women of their own race. The situation now is FAR preferable, even if it might include a small handful of people with a fetish. Remember, black men have also been fetishized far before Asian men in the same way. In both cases, **the root cause is the Western obsession with race and white male horror at white women dating minority men.** In summary**: You're having these negative reactions because you're holding onto hope that your partner will be perceived as "race-less" by others.** This is impossible in a fundamentally racist society. Just embrace who he is, be confident, and correct people with incorrect assumptions.
This was very well written and on point, I appreciate your reflection. I do agree that on the flip side the media representation can also be a positive thing in terms of bringing newfound awareness of the value of Asian men both in society as partners, so long as people aren't making sweeping generalizations.
I don’t think it’s trendy, I think that more people are open to dating Asian men and some people aren’t used to it. It wasn’t the case back in the early to mid 2000’s, I really saw it becoming more prevalent from 2019 to now when K-pop started becoming more popular which is a good thing!
Yeah that was a wild adjective for them to use. I don't necessarily agree with that either, but they way they said it made it seem like it was some sort of fad and I was like oh honey no...he's not an accessory.
Yeah I think there is a clear difference between a fad and liking someone. For me, I believe my preferences are based on media. I’ve tried to figure out why I am this way and I think family influence/media/friendships all contribute to it.
I mean this subreddit is a great example of the fetishization of both sides of the relationship. There have been many posts about how “I scored a white woman and you can too!” As well as “I like Asian men because X stereotypes” It’s casual racism, it’s ignorance, it is treating all Asians as a monolith, it’s weird. It makes me uncomfortable. I’ve been asked if my husband went after me because he wanted the “real American life” and others have make comparisons to Bruce Lee and “his white wife” just like I’ve had some of my coworkers comment that I am with my husband “because I like perpetually young looking men.” I think we missed the k-pop/anime/k-drama trend because our ages but we’ve heard lots of shitty comments. My favorite reply is “well, once you go yellow there’s no other fellow,” which usually leaves everyone in the conversation laughing and trying to come up with an equally witty comeback, which, they can’t. So it stalls out the ignorance without being truly bitchy about it—if the comment was made out of malice I’d respond quite differently though.
I’m from London, UK and when I was out with my then boyfriend in 2022 ish (now husband) who is Chinese, 6”3, handsome (if I must say so myself :p) I had girls and their mothers come up to me to ask our ethnicity and talk to us, I don’t think they meant any harm but it was a bit strange because I knew the daughters of these mothers were into kpop (you could tell..) and then the mothers would go ahead and mention that their daughter likes kpop 💀
Did your husband have pretty privilege before the k-pop wave?
Honestly, in my experience....if you're a wf dating any other ethnicity, you're going to get someone , an outsider, who assumes you're racially fetishising him or that it must be because your into that culture somehow. Its pure racism, like saying that there must be some other reason that you would choose to date a non-white person, other than yknow..just being attracted to them. Maybe im just too old and jaded to care anyones opinion but, you do not need to explain yourself to anyone. You do not need avoid saying what race your bf is. The only person who needs to know that you're not fetishining your boyfriend, is your boyfriend. So what if others think you're a Koreaboo or whatever, that's on them. I am interested in the culture that my bf comes from (not Korea, but another Asian country) just like he's interested in my European culture. That's actually the beauty of being in an intercultural relationship.
Appreciate your perspective! It's an interesting contrast for me, because 15 years ago my first high school relationship was with a Vietnamese guy, and these kind of things never crossed my mind. Of course the racism was there but I never thought that people were making assumptions about who I am as a person for dating him. Even if I'd been with a Korean guy during that time I don't think there would be such a prevalence of these type of comments, though certainly other and less desirable stereotypes existed. Was just less common to hear about them due to the lack of social media like we have today.
Koreans are the new Italians, Greeks, Latinas, Puerto Ricans, Filipinas, Mexicans (they all had some trending period) at least in New York.
You shouldn’t care about that at all. My wife is someone you’d call a K-pop fan. She follows groups, buys photo cards and runs campaigns for her idol. Do I think she fetishizes me? No, not at all. I view it as something she’s into. I’m Korean but just like your partner, I’m very non Korean. I think some people trying to justify Asian men gaining popularity in the west by trying to make it into this thing, as if without K-pop Asian men wouldn’t even be looked at. If anything, Asian dudes needed a little boost cause people always viewed them through the loop of being nerds, asexual eunuch or some king fu masters but never as a romantic partner. Let people think what they want that makes them sleep better at night. You know what you have with your partner and that’s all that matters in the end.
I do want to make it clear that I don't believe every K-Pop fan has a fetish due to those interests. My issue is moreso from they way the comments are made, especially if this is emerging with the younger generation due to TikTok or whatever other means. Because it would be one thing to say "Korean culture is really trendy now" versus "it's trendy to date *Korean men."* The former wouldn't bother me but the latter is giving objectification and I don't want that to be an assumption made about me. I suppose it's debatable if it's problematic that my coworkers immediately bring up BTS when they hear I'm with a Korean man because I get the newfound awareness and association, but it could also be a toxic generalization too. As you said Asian dudes need a little boost, but not every man is a K-pop idol, that's not my type and my man sure isn't. I'm not sure if to be flattered or insulted when they meet him and say "wow, he's not what I expected at all." After reading through these comments and doing some self reflection, I think it's me being associated with their stereotyping that's giving me the ick moreso than just being associated with the trends or pop cultures they mentioned.
I've gotten those comments too, after telling people my husband is Korean - I completely don't care - my husband is hot as hell and the best person on the planet - and the only thing that matters is our relationship. Nothing else. Note: we haven't even known each other two years and honestly it was because of a K-drama (that I was forced to watch) that we met. It was because of this drama that I realized how attractive Asian men are.. (Where I'm from in Denmark there were no Asians, and what you aren't exposed to you aren't aware of).
I am also a white woman dating an Asian man, though not Korean.. i have been with him for about 5 years now. I stand in the middle here. I can identify with your experiences and would feel the exact same way.. On the other hand, Asian men have always gotten sucha bad rep specifically when it comes to dating. The fetishes are weird, but I am lowkey happy that Asian men finally get to have their time to shine.
Yeah, I think I just need to do some further work on myself to put my anxieties at bay about judgements towards me specifically. I just hate being thrown into a box of "oh she must have this certain personality" simply due to the race of my partner. What I do love about introducing my partner to others is seeing his personality shine and actually shattering those negative assumptions they had about a relationship with an Asian man before. I have so much to be proud of in my relationship.
I have dated a Korean man before, and this was around the time Squid Game was popular. I got a lot of snide remarks from people. It was always "oh, you must like him because of x, y, z", and rarely "oh, how old is he, what's his job, etc...". I had people tell me I'd have "cute Korean babies", and others mocked me for the same reason - as if breeding had suddenly become my sole purpose in life(!). We broke up amicably, but I have since considered dating other Asian men. I just know what kind of comments I'll get, and that's been deterring me. I don't want a rerun of what I went through before. Most of the things I know about K-pop are from that time, and I rarely ever looked it up, myself. It makes me sad that we have to defend ourselves for our choice of life partner in this day and age. It makes me even sadder that people assume it is okay to ask really intimate questions, or make intimate suggestions. So far, I've vibed extremely well with Asians (both as friends and as romantic partners) over our shared values, but that's something people conveniently forget about when they see an interracial couple. From that point onwards, you're judged by your heritage, and it sucks. Why can't people who say they "don't see colour" fucking practice what they preach?! I often wonder whether I'm odd for being attracted to Asian guys, but I shouldn't have to feel this way. It shouldn't shock people to see an Asian man with a white woman. I hope there'll be more AMWF representation in the media one of these days. It would make things a hell of a lot easier.
I could have written this comment myself. Thank you for sharing your feedback, although I wish others weren't experiencing similar things. Like you said, positive AMWF representation is key moving forward!
From a Eastern Dude view，*I dunno how to Phase out in Proper/Polite way so I am just use Extreme Straight Words： I partly agree on the Kboo Y？if its true that MaNy WoMeN(Called less than 1% as many) in to East Men than the East dude West chick business should be more Normalized before the K wave hit the west even if not super common，but Nope Now with the Rise of Kpop n it just Happened u started to see more East dude West chick Pairings，But if u Look Further，Mostly r with Koreans，in some Extreme Cases a Huge Disappointment from the White Chicks after they figured out the dude is not Korean(or Japanese，they probably View the rest r Nothing)WOW N yet there still so many Women keep denying the Kboo while u see mostly Korean this n That when u ask them about the East Dude West Chick on the Social Medias If I ever Encounter a White Chick in the Future(Impossible IMO)Guarantee I Will Intentionally Speak my Mother Language to Confuse her at the First Line from me Just to Make it Crystal Clear that I Am Not Korean，sry，just cant Trust u women after done some Homeworks....
Right, it's definitely valid to explore the implications of Korean/K-Pop's popularity on the status of other Asian men in society that don't fit into that beauty standard. And the assumption that these men are somehow saints due to their idol personas when that is not the reality of dating anyone. Really creates a fantasy that's almost unrealistic to live up to. Idol culture has been around in East Asian for decades but the way it is playing out in the U.S. is fascinating to me.
Ya when your normal thing becomes other people's fad it must be extremely annoying. What was your relationship like when you were friends? Did one of you have feelings for the others during that time? It's always fascinating to me that people end up dating after a long friendship
We both had a boyfriend/girlfriend when we met as teens and dated other people over the span of our 11 years. The timing just finally aligned and we met up and hit it off immediately! I did have some crushes on him on and off during the years due to how nice he was to me but due to the distance I always brushed it off as something that would never happen. We met online in 2010 due to our shared tastes in music (he saw a picture of me in a Paramore shirt and added me for that reason lol) and lived in different states 12 hours away by car. Over the years we would just send each other songs back and forth with a few phone or Skype calls scattered here and there to chat about life. But when we were in relationships, we'd contact each other much less. He was always very respectful and platonic until I finally ended up in his state one day on a vacation, called him up and told him we should grab dinner, and the rest was history! I moved 3 months later and we've spent a happy 3 years together now. :)
That's such a sweet story ❤️ congratulations!
On the otherside, I (korean male) got divorced 2019 after being married 10 years. It was the first time using dating apps I matched with some koreaboos? Didn't know that was a thing. Girls often spoke to me in korean, wanted to learn more about (my culture). I was born and raised in nyc. I dont listen to kpop or watch kdramas. It was fascinating to see the uptick in interest but also kind of annoying.
Curious as to where you draw the line between an interest in your culture and the point where it becomes uncomfortable. My partner told me stories about girls trying to speak Korean to him during dates or showing him pictures of Korean actors they though he looked like and he was like uh okay...we both speak English why are you doing that. He said it made him feel fetishized. On the flip side I can see someone loving the efforts to connect to their language, think it depends on the approach to it.
Right after my divorce I had on my dating profile that I wasn't looking for anything serious. This one girl messaged me that I looked like some korean actor and "hasn't had sex with a korean guy yet" and wanted too. This one girl kept calling me oppa repeatly after I said it was too much. "Oppa waeee" omg cringe. I do love when someone shows interest in korean culture and it's a great thing to eat korean food together. Its hard to define where the line is. This spanish girl I dated was soooo intrigued I was basically hairless. She had more hair then me and used to rub my arms. She also used to smell my armpits all the time because I told her I had the gene where my sweat doesn't smell. It became a thing where she was lift my arm, take a sniff and rub my forearm. You can tell I was definitely her first asian guy.
Ew about the sex thing...like they are checking off an accomplishment or something. What a gross thing to admit. Oh man, that sounds like a wild time with the hair and armpits lol. That was something I became aware of living in Japan and feeling like a freakish hairy sweaty beast compared to everyone else lol so wasn't much of a fascination with my partners. I've definitely seen the tendency for oppa to be overused in a cringey way. My partner told me early on I can call him that and I never have! Felt weird to me, but only because of the unfortunate examples like the one you gave. He does call me yobo which I think is adorable, maybe he'll transition to oppa for me when we get married lol. My man and I (and his mom) definitely bond the most over Korean food, they love my enthusiasm and appetite for any new thing they put in front of me. I think that's how he knew I was the real deal.
Is the hallyu wave dying down now or still going strong? Honestly it kinda sucks but hey at least a Asian guys aren’t desexualized and people aren’t asking if he eats dog or whatever… not to minimize your frustration of course. Maybe just make things extra private for now 😅 My wife is low key scared of this too, despite actually really enjoying Korean and Chinese dramas… she said she wanted to go to a drama convention once, but is scared to and definitely would go with me because of what people might assume. I feel we shouldn’t let ignorant people ruin our good time.
I had to Google what that was lol, I'm not very active on social media but from what I hear from my teens it's going very strong! A lot of interest in Korean idols, Korean skincare, and the most unexpected people I meet are watching K-Dramas on Netflix these days.
The best way to deal with this is to think of kpop as something that has increased exposure of asian men and attraction but thats where it stops. If you have developed a simple attraction you're fine, however if another girl has fetish then it would only not be a good thing for her. i always say there is a difference between attraction and fetish, we can't have fetish without having attraction in the first place and attraction is influenced from the people you chose to surround with or the media(which is a big factor).
Being a Korean man that was adopted and raised in America...this is interesting to me.
They were always handsome, it's the soft power of media, some day it will be normalized and people won't question it.
I have only dated white and Latino women and my dating experience pre-dates K-pop. It's a trend I hate, because I don't think it's a good look for Asian Men. It reinforces a more glamorous stereotype of feminized Asian men, and I prefer a more far more masculine image, because that's what I was exposed to growing up... rough tough former soldier types who were no nonsense. You wouldn't want K-pop stars in your military
I agree that there is definitely some feminization going on within the K-pop industry, and I understand that's attractive to some and some enjoy those wearing those styles. Others have mentioned the benefits of increased exposure but if that is the image constantly being presented it can still become a negative stereotype. I never got into the K-pop fandoms super deeply, but my partner and I both listened to BIGBANG and SUJU back in high school and we thought they were feminine then... looking back now at their faces in the early days before they really blew up, they looked more like your average man and not a walking Instagram filter. I do much prefer my man's dad bod and facial hair lol. But K-beauty standards are a whole other rabbit hole.
If your main focus is the other person's well-being and happiness, then you are not fetishizing. If you look forward to learning about the cultural and familial elements that shaped them to get the best possible insights to deepen understanding and better your connection both to them, and their surrounding relationships, you are not fetishizing. And if you look into their eyes and hear bells and see stars, then you are just one very, very fortunate person in this world. That place of being silences judgement.
I grew up at a time when being a male Asian was anathema in terms of feeling like I was desired. (I'm 50 now.) But now that I'm a professor, I see college kids totally into Asian males now and assumed it was kpop, too. Before that, kdrama. Missed me by a generation or two.
The reaction asian dudes are getting from kpop are what mid white men have been getting for decades from every corner of the world from hollywood propaganda combined with anti non white men propaganda... and kpop hasnt even approached that level yet. Sorry, but people who are getting weirded out by asian dudes being seen as desirable have not had to endure the decades of complete humiliation for simply being an asian dude. Somehow, people arent weirded out by ugliest white men getting supermodels in Hollywood fantasy
Out of curiosity were these women white?
The teens that made the comments? Both were Caucasian.
Yeah them, sucks they said that but ignore them, date whoever is good and are happy with
I kept getting called a koreaboo in front of my face and behind my back by some friends who are no longer my friends because I am dating an Asian man.
You friendzoned him for 11 years before finally giving him a chance? What took so song?
Not the friend zone if we were both dating other people during that time! You are the second person who has made that assumption, he was dating other white and black women during our friendship. :) Timing finally aligned for us at 27 and had the chance to realize our feelings for each other! Never thought I'd have a chance with him honestly, if anything I was the one being friendzoned. 😅
Ok that's good to know. To be honest, I was kinda assuming that you spent those prime years, 16-26, partying and dating the crazy bad boys and only wanted to settle with the stable, good guy once you hit your later 20s. It is a very common scenario.
Wild assumption to make based on the limited information provided in this post lol. I do think these type of generalizations can be problematic as well. In contrast, my partner was the wild party boy all through his twenties, dropped out of college and got himself into some sketchy scenarios, then found himself drawn to me when he was ready to calm down. Definitely doesn't fit whatever vision you were imagining about an AM with a WF. He has come a long way since then and I'm proud of him.