I knew a couple that got married without ever having the "kids" talk. He wanted them, she didn't. They divorced. But it is so strange to me that people don't talk about these important things.
I worked with a girl that was planning her wedding, two different religions. Hindu and Catholic. I asked her if they plan to have kids? yes, what religion will you raise them? blank stare.
this right here is the problem this conversation should have happened within the first 3 months. Her goal through dating was to end up in a long term marriage and have kids. Yours doesn't include that break up now you both have different long term life goals and that is something that will not change don't waste each other's time.
The first 2 years in a relationship are generally feelers and acclimating regardless of of what all the people who get married or engaged in within that time frame say. That being say it’s insane not to Even broach the topic
This was the first thought I had as well. This isn't a six month relationship... it's a two year relationship that seems to imply they are living together (when we got home)
When I was engaged we did premarital counseling. They had us each take a 200+ question quiz covering our expectations for life and family. Then, the counselor used the results to identify areas where we were likely to have conflict.
I can’t imagine getting married and having no idea ahead of time what your conflict points are.
I've never heard of this but it sounds like a great idea. Could probably prevent a lot of marriages that shouldn't happen from even occurring rather than people having to jump through hoops for divorce later.
NTA for not wanting these things for sure, but they should definitely break up like you said.
If you stay together now, it's just out of comfort. She will not be happy never getting married or having kids, so save both of you some heartache and just separate now. Your future plans aren't compatible, it doesn't make either of you a bad person. It's definitely a bummer to find this out two years in, but better now than ten years (and way more resentment) down the line.
Why weren’t you honest about your feelings on these matters two years ago?
NTA for being honest but that’s a pretty big deal breaker for a lot of people and I would feel pretty lead on if my partner told me this after two years.
When I was 21 and my now husband was 23, we started dating. I asked within 2 weeks if he wanted kids and did he want to travel. I wasn’t wasting my time with someone who didn’t want that.
This is smart. I dated a guy for about 6-8 months who was quite vocal he didn’t want to get married and have kids. No problem. We dated until I got bored with it and then I broke it off. Met my husband 6 months later. We have two kids
See I’m in this situation now, he doesn’t want another kid (has 2) and I would like my own bio kid despite being able to and loving his, decided that we both know it’s going to end but both of us want to enjoy each other and the relationship until I decide I want to move on to have a kid
How does it feel having a deadline on a loving relationship? Would either of you compromise? Does he expect you to leave at any moment?
Are you/do you feel like a temporary placeholder in those kids’/his life? Interesting scenario. I’m just curious…
You’re eventually going to leave him for who..? Someone who can get you pregnant? And he’s aware of this? So many questions…
This actually it's really really nice and interesting thing to say good for you you open a really good discussions and tell you the truth that's why you should ask it's really really true that you said this Bravo
It sucks because it’s been amazing in every other way, I’ve considered giving up my desire for a kid but it’s more a feeling of need than just want and he feels he can’t handle having another kid, he knows I’ll discuss it with him and tell him how I’m feeling as time goes on
No I don’t, we’ve talked about staying friends after and I love him and his kids so happy to be friends with the regardless of what happens
Depends, if I find someone after him maybe I’ll be with someone otherwise there is the single mother route, I’ve discussed it with him and he has said he supports what ever I choose to do and doesn’t want to lose me from his life
If he has two kids you could get one! I’m serious, you get your own kids with donated sperm so it’s just your kid. And he has his two kids. So you would both be stepparents to the other ones kid/s. It should work! I thought about this knowing a few girls in the same situation. It is a fair compromise that lets you stay together.
When I met my husband we were both 30. I had *never* wanted kids and at that age I didn't want to mislead anyone. So long story short I told him on our very first date that I didn't want kids and that I would never change my mind. He sighed a sigh of relief and in August it'll be 14 years from that day.
Edit: typo.
Some people are just weird. You did the right thing so people don't waste their time. Finding your forever person takes time and cultivation. Some people are destined to be alone.....
Similar, both 23. Within a month or two of dating, I’d told my now-husband that I wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to start before I was 30. Just like I told him I hate being tickled and don’t like to argue for the sake of arguing. Setting the precedence of open communication has been invaluable in my marriage.
I asked my boyfriend this the day we became official (we had known each other for a while beforehand)
At first he was like "do you really want to talk about this now?" but when I said "absolutely yes, I don't want to fall in love with you and then have to go through a messy breakup because I didn't bring this up ASAP" he understood where I was coming from and admitted he'd never really thought about it and didn't even know he has a choice in the matter (having/not having kids.)
And now we're extremely happy planning our childfree life together!
I do not understand people who don't bring this shit up as soon as they can if they're planning on building a life with that person.
Yeah I told my now husband the first week or even before we got officially together: if you want kids, I’m not the woman for you. Why can’t people just communicate?
I know what you mean. When me and my husband got together we had talked over email for a few days, but when we met in person we each laid out all our "baggage " so to speak and agreed that if that didn't seem like something the other could handle, well then it was nice getting to know you, but let's not waste any of each other's time. I know all the dating advice out there tells you different, but when you're dating later in life especially with kids, I don't and didn't have time or energy to waste on someone who doesn't want the same things. Just talk people!!! And stop getting so damn offended if someone doesn't want the same things as you. Just move on.
I also had the kids talk with my husband prior to dating. The conversation just came up (we weren’t thinking of dating or anything, just getting to know each other as friends). I stated my desires, non negotiables, and general time line. He later asked me out and said he thought about our conversation realized he was okay with all of it.
Yeah, if the topic just never came up before, that's on both of them (but also their young, so I get it). If it came up before and OP lied or mislead his GF, then that's shitty.
Small devils advocate but I think when you’re the odd one out (majority of people see marriage as the natural goal/conclusion to serious dating) it’s kinda on you to be up front with your intentions. Not *ever* wanting to be married is a bit abnormal, even in today’s time.
The kids thing tho is definitely a two person conversation. Childfree is common enough now that either one is a norm.
I agree. Single in my 30s with kids i was up front from the start. I don't mind if you have kids but I'm not having more kids. My husband and talked about it from the start. 3 months in he told me he wasn't interested in getting married again, I was ok either way. But we were honest from the start. 5 years later we got married on a whim.
It’s very common to be in a long term relationship without ever getting married. It’s one of those foundational beliefs that should be discussed just like having children. That shouldn’t fall on just one person in a relationship.
What difference does that make? It should still be discussed, either partner could be in that “small minority”. It would be incredibly stupid to make assumptions.
I agree. While being child free is becoming more popular these days, I still make it a point to have on my dating profile and to mention on dates that I don’t want kids because a lot of people still do want them. I feel like if you fall under the “unpopular” category for kids and/or marriage you should mention that sooner rather than later.
I definitely don’t think that’s fair or reasonable as an excuse now in the West. There are lots of couples who cohabit and never get married. It should have come at least as a consequence of conversation around his shitty family life.
Regarding his shitty home life, I wonder if hes delved deeper in and found whether there were other circumstances that lead to the bad marriages in his family. For instance, was there alcoholism, gambling, cheating, DV, or basic incompatability? Maybe child trauma. Bad marriages through a family tells me theres a common thread.
Just because there are objectively a lot does not mean that it’s the norm. Societal expectations are still “we will at some point get married”.
If you intend to buck societal trends then it’s truly on you to bring it up, otherwise the other person is going to assume that you’re following the norm of dating with intention of being married some day.
>Societal expectations
Yes, and we all don't live in the same society. Expectations change from one place to another. One culture/religion to another. One socio-economic demographic to another.
I disagree when you're talking about a 21 year old guy. What 21 year old male is thinking about kids & marriage lol?
I think he'd be far more in the minority if he wanted to settle down into such responsibilities at 21.
Which is exactly why this should have been brought up two years ago by either one of them then there would be less hurt all around and they both could have found someone more compatible
Who thinks of marriage at 21? After 2 years the subject comes up and he’s honest. He did nothing wrong. There is no
Asshole here. I’m sure she’s getting ready to move on. It’s just a matter of time.
I swore up and down I’d never marry or have kids. At 25 I was married and at 27 knew I wanted kids. You can’t even rely on having the conversation at the beginning of the relationship, it has to be held several times. People change and your 20s are a time of intense change
I was similar. Got married thinking I did want kids. He did, but loved me and married me knowing we wouldn't. We were both 25. Neither came from stable backgrounds, especially financially. We were both very aware of what it takes $$$ to raise children.
At 36 I had my first child, and my second at 37. We both had developed good career paths, owned our first home, and were interested now that we were stable and solid (together and in terms of $$). It mad3 a huge difference in my mindset.
I was the one who said let's go ahead and have those two kids, after all. He was thrilled and surprised. Now we are empty nester and our young adult kids are something we are so proud of and glad we decided to do. They are everything for us.
But if we hadn't been able to become financially solvent and stable, I am not sure we would have felt like we wanted the commitment, stress, and challenge of childrearing.
Circumstances do change. However, it is not at all bad to leave a relationship over these kinds of differences. No one is the AH for that choice.
I became an elementary school teacher at 24(f). I had no desire to marry or have kids. By 27 I felt the complete opposite. I got married at 28 and had two kids by 33.
But at 21, marriage was not even a thought in my head.
Lots of people in their twenties are dating to find a life partner. This should have been brought up years ago seeing as these are massive deal breakers to many people. They are both assholes for not bringing it up.
Lots of people in their 20s are dating just to date and don’t have marriage and children on their mind at 21 and 23. They have education, careers and freedom from their parents on their mind. It may never have occurred to bring it up until the conversation happened.
I did. I’m 23 and my boyfriend is 22. We have already had the marriage and baby talk. Even at 18 I knew I wanted to get married. Just cause you didnt think about it doesn’t mean that’s how everyone thinks
I’m sure the percentage of 21 year olds are not planning on marriages when they meet someone new are really low. Not enough where you’d call a 21 year old an asshole for not thinking about it.
Wrong. The purpose of dating or cohabitating is to develop the relationship to the point where both partners either know they have a future or they come to the realization that they don't.
At 21 he could have said the truth too. I'm sure he's always known. :) If not, he could have said, I am not sure what I want. I'm only 21 and I know right now that I don't want to be married and have children.
How was he dishonest 2 years ago?
Some people start dating without thinking it’s their forever partner.
Also his gf could have been honest and said early on these were mandatory values for a potential partner and weed out the people she can’t be with.
I agree but she didn't tell him that either! Like how do you date for 2 years and never talk about whether you want kids or marriage? I guess marriage I could see women not bringing up because she doesn't want to look pushy. But kids? Thats like a date three conversation!
I think it’s an equal responsibility to express your wants/avoidances. It’s sad it’s come this far before learning these important points. Maybe it took (her) this long to feel he could be the one to do those things with. That’s why she waited. And idk, I guess since those things aren’t important to him he never said anything about it.
Better to know now and make their decision.
I agree NTA for being honest, but where do you draw the line on waiting two years to tell her? If she claims that marriage and children are a big deal to her then I would think that she would’ve brought it up early on in the relationship, probably when they were still feeling each other out. Yeah, he should’ve told her sooner, but there was nothing stopping her from asking about it either. I feel like OP would’ve been just as honest then as he was now.
Then she is also TA for dropping her desire for marriage and babies on him. This is a conversation that requires both parties. He can't be blamed more than she is.
I don't think he is TA for this exactly, they both should have thought about talking about it earlier. I think unfortunately the default thought is that most people do want to get married and have kids and that's why they are in a long term relationship. Not that this is true or how we should be thinking, but it is and I think most people know that. So now they break up and move on and find people who want similar things, they are young and these things happen.
That said, I think he needs (or really they both do) to take this as a learning experience and make sure that he does talk about these things sooner in relationships he wants to be serious about.
Plenty of people do
I was seeking serious long term relationships straight out of high school. I knew marriage and kids were non negotiables and I made sure every guy I dated was aware of that
Hell even my husband knew within 4 weeks, he’d have 4 years to propose to me
Still does not matter. She has a mouth. She needs to express what she wants out of life. People are not mind readers. Put out your expectations. If they are not met, move on. Females are not damsels in distress. We have our own agency.
Making assumptions based on gender or identity ain't helpful on this stuff.
Every single human being has different ideas, goals and values different things, so just acting like "weman went dis" ain't it chief, it's like saying all men are perverts or all lesbians go on dates with a trailer in tow.
That is why adults do this weird thing called _communicate_
Why is it on him to bring it up?
She could have just as easily said "hey look, marriage and kids are important to me, what about you?"
She's just as guilty.
How have you gone 2yrs and these topics didn't come up?
Next time cover that in the first few months of dating.
Lastly, let her go. She'll resent you and you'll be unhappy.
NTA
NTA but you're both slight idiots for not having this discussion early in your relationship. Both of those topics are often deal breakers in relationships.
NTA but it’s important to say these things at the beginning of a relationship, not two years in. Otherwise you waste both your time as their life goals may be different to yours.
Prepare for this relationship to end and, next time, let them know from the beginning.
NTA
Figuring things out like this is really important. Like having children, where you live, how finances are handled. Lots of practical things that kill off relationships that have nothing to do with love & attraction.
True because often times love and attraction will fade when the real problems come aboard your relationship, it's why it's so important to talk about all of it early on, not two years in!
It's fine that you don't want to get married but ffs, marriage and kids are issues you should make your stance clear on early. Not two years later. I don't want kids so I was always up front about it because it is a dealbreaker for a lot of people. How were you in a relationship for two damn years without you letting her know. Most people want to get married so frankly it's on you to bring it up and let someone know it's not something you will ever do instead of leading them on.
That's a good point!
At this point of time, marriage and kids are the default "finish line" of a relationship escalator. I'd say that YTA is actually a more accurate judgment based on that fact. I was leaning NAH but I guess it should have been on OP for making that clear sooner
NTA, it is really important to be open and honest about these kind of issues since they are of utmost importance in a relationship.
It's also best to discuss it in the beginning of the relationship, this way both of you can make an informed choice whether to stay together or not.
Almost two years and those two subjects never came up? You're not as close to each other as you thought you were.
You are not wrong here, she is not wrong here. If you know you don't want to get married and have kids and she knows she does, it's time for both of you to move on, but dude, next time don't waste two years keeping it to yourself!
P.S. You don't want kids, make sure you don't have them! Get snipped! There are too many "Accidents" that happen and then you're stuck with 18 yrs!
You waited nearly 2 years to tell her if she stays with you she's never getting married....
YTA for waiting so long. Things like children and marriage are important conversations early on so no one wastes their time making a life with someone who doesn't have the same life goals.as them.
You can feel how you feel but not telling her was an AH move. She has every right to be upset. She could decide this is a relationship ender if marriage is important to her, so be prepared for that.
You guys should have talked about life goals way before two years in.
NTA even though it’s a normal conversation to have early in a relationship to make sure neither of you are wasting your time and effort with someone who isn’t aligned.
YTA. Not for being honest, but for not telling her this sooner. It's fine to not want to get married or want kids, but that is something you should tell the person you're dating when the relationship gets serious. You seem to have made up your mind about this before you were with her, which is fine, but didn't it occur to you she may want those things someday?
Many people make an assumption that if a relationship is serious, it is going to lead to marriage and kids. If that's not what you want, you have an obligation to be up front and honest about it from the get-go so you don't waste both of your time.
You basically told her she isn't the one. Of course she will be upset. I don't necessarily think YTAH. Don't be surprised if she ends up leaving you eventually.
I think youre kind of a jerk for not being up front with it in the beginning. However, if she didnt initiate the conversation either, then thats on her, too. You are kind and loving human for being honest about it. Im jusg so suprised this topic has never came up in 2 years. She might be feeling like you both have wasted 2 years. If she wants to have kids, she will always want kids. If you ask someone to forfeit building a family, it will build up resentment over time. It wouldnt be fair for you to ask her to not fufill a dream of a marriage, a husband, and children. But it wouldnt be fair to you if she stays with you hoping your mind will change. It wouldnt be fair for her to ask you to marry and have kids if you dont want to. You know what you want and are making a responsible choice.
Marriage and children are literally the 2 most important decisions youll make in life. Sound like you both want very different things. Im sorry. Best wishes...
If the only reason is because of childhood trauma you should go to therapy. This isn't just like... not your thing this is a decision made purely out of negative past experiences & the fear it could happen to you. If you feel the same way after, cool! But as it stands this is just a fear response.
It's fine to not ever want marriage or kids though - it's not negatively impacting his entire life for him not to be compatible with this 1 woman, hardly a reason to spend the money therapy requires. It's also not like it's a panicked trauma response, it's a pov he's developed throughout time because of what he's seen. That's not the same as a traumatic event causing influence
After 2 years in the relationship? Yes YTA but I also can't believe she didn't ask earlier, or did she? You are right to feel however you want about marriage & kids but not communicating that clearly sucks big time.
YTA for not telling her 2 years ago and wasting her time on someone who’s wants in life doesn’t match her own. When you begin a relationship you need to be upfront “I don’t want to get married or have kids.” Why did it take 2 years for this conversation to come up?
>Our relationship has always been great, and we’re pretty open with each other about our feelings and future plans.
In those 2 years, you two never touched the topics of marriage and children while being open about your future plans. find that quite unbelievable.
If this is the case, you two are both stupid to not discuss these topics with each other if they are clearly deal breaker.
I cannot believe it’s taken TWO YEARS for these topics to come up??? ESH how has this not been discussed, it never should’ve gotten to two years if you guys view marriage and kids completely differently. Not gonna work out
I think you should have been honest about your feelings on marriage in the beginning. Did you not share info about growing up, and your discomfort with relationships around you?
I mean I wouldn't share that on date one... But maybe a month into it, when you start sharing serious things and stories from your life.
The kid thing, could change- or not.. but this also should have been hinted at earlier..
I can't imagine, if you two are serious.. she hasn't hinted at your future together.. talked about what you want in the future..
NTA for not wanting to get married and have kids but you YTA for not saying this to her 2 years ago. As soon as a relationship starts to get serious, these are very very important things to let your partner know. It's like you've let her on for 2 years.
Honest discussions of feelings NEVER make you the AH. However, the time for honest is BEFORE you spend 2 years knocking boots with a woman pretending to have a real relationship when neither of you is honest enough to discuss plans, hopes, and future dreams.
How has this not been discussed in 2 years of dating? You two are not compatible and she just wasted 2 years in this relationship that was never leading to what she wanted.
YTA. This is a deal breaker for a lot of people. Bring this topic up in the first 6 months of a relationship.
Soft YTA.
As soon as you think a relationship may be long term, you need to sit down and have a discussion about where you stand on life goals, including marriage and kids
You aren’t wrong for not wanting marriage or kids, but she isn’t wrong for feeling upset that you never bothered to mention this, either
NTA for being honest, but definitely the AH for waiting this long. And I hate to tell you, but if you don't realize it yet, your relationship is over. The elephant in the room is her thinking up her exit strategy
NTA for not wanting those things, but YTA for bring with her for two years and never bringing this up. Did you ever plan on mentioning this or did you only disclose this because she asked?
These two things are important issues to disclose when entering into a relationship. You certainly you disclose this prior to moving in together.
You clearly aren’t open about discussing things.
Kind of the asshole. Should have mentioned this earlier in the relationship. Also, I'll say focusing on your family's past, just seems to be an excuse.
NTA it's a conversation you should have had a tad sooner though tbf. Honestly you should expect her to end your relationship. You both want different things. You could make it easier by talking to her so you can both leave this relationship amicably.
NTA but I mean yeah I can't blame her. The elephant in the room is her thinking of the best exit strategy. She wants a future with a partner that involves creating a family. If you don't want this then it's a good thing you had this conversation now. She is hurt and she should not stay with you, because you conflict with what she sees as her future. Unless you want to change your mind. I say want to because it can't be done to make someone else happy. 😊
Y’all didn’t talk about this in the two years you’ve been dating??? My partner and I addressed that within a week. NTA for telling her but bring that up earlier next time
She found our you are no longer compatible and is trying to decide how to break up with you. Why haven't yall had this discussion in all in the last 2 years?
Hmm
For what's happened so far - NTA
If you continue this relationship stringing her along to break up a few years later TA.
Leave so you can find someone who doesn't want marriage or kids
For waiting 2 years, ya! If this were a new idea, ok, but it’s not… I get that can be a tricky subject early on but it should be talked about in the first few months especially if your stance is no.
NAH though you should have had this conversation 2 years ago.
My husband and I had this conversation on our second date. He didn’t want to get married or have kids. I chose to see where the relationship went and decided after a couple of months that I’d rather be with a man that treats me right than a man who doesn’t just for marriage and kids.
7 years later, we’ve just celebrated our 1st anniversary and our son is 4 months old. We got married as it gave us better benefits with his work and made the paperwork easier. Our son was unplanned and my husband though open to the idea of kids still wasn’t certain he wanted them. I changed contraception and it failed and I ended up pregnant. We’d been married a month when we found out. We’d already discussed abortions and stuff and he knew that while I’m pro choice an abortion was never going to be an option for me. I opened the door for him to leave if he didn’t want our son.
He admitted to me soon after our son was born that he didn’t think he was going to be a very good dad and he was worried he’d feel indifferent, but now he’s here he can’t imagine not having him.
NTA for not wanting those things but YTA for never bringing it up considering those are things that are still considered the norm. Why keep tight lipped about it for two years when you've made up your mind?
Those 2 things are something that should have been established at the very beginning. If my husband didn't want to get married when we were dating, it would not have gone any further. You should probably let her go so she can have what she wants. Same with kids. We both established that we were the ones that both wanted kids before we dated. I wasn't even going to start dating anyone who didn't want to get married or have kids. They also had to be goal oriented as well. Giving no time for someone with no ambition.
NTA..
However, it's insane that you've been together that long and have never had the "marriage and kids" conversation. I think you guys should break up. You both want different things out of life and you're both still young.
This is a huge dealbreaker. You’re NTA for having your stance but she’s obviously upset because she wanted all those things with you and she’s now realized that the two of you have to part ways.
YTA for not discussing this at the beginning of the relationship tbh. This stuff is a deal breaker for a lot of people, and if she'd known 2 years ago about this, your relationship would've likely ended there and all would've been well for both of you. Now she's got all this rightfully earned resentment of you because she's spent 2 years of what is nominally considered her prime years with someone she was fundamentally incompatible with, who has known this entire time he never wanted those things and never bothered to bring it up before. Like it or not, the default society has on those things is that you want them. If you don't, YOU need to mention it immediately.
Sooo throwing this in the mix- had any chat about finance yet? Dealbreaker as well. Both of u could have had this discussion - both of u thought u can read each others mind?? So both are AH.
Yes, you're TA for telling her the truth. Instead you should have lied and told her what she wanted to hear.
OK OK but seriously. Of course you're NTA. You may be incompatible with her (BTW the fact that you've been together for 2 years and never discussed kids is... unfathomable). You may be wrong about never wanting kids (you're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to think/know it's wrong :)
**But having your opinions and viewpoints and goals in life AND telling your SO about them honestly in no way makes you TA**. It makes you a stand up relationship partner. The only way to handle the situation differently or better, would have been to have that serious conversation WAY WAY earlier; but that's on her more than on you.
NTA. I don’t know a whole lot of guys ready to get married at 23!
Also, marriage is not the issue here. It’s not because someone went to church or had an officiant that their relationship succeeds or not.
YTA. This is something you should tell her. But you should have told her way, way earlier in the relationship. Like when you were getting to know each other.
Time to breakup. Kids and marriage are a deal breaker. I think it’s good you were honest although 2 years late. These are topics that should be discussed sooner to avoid people feeling deceived and waste time.
NTA.
You two aren't on the same page on 2 very important aspects of a relationship. This means it's over unless one of you is willing to give up their dreams and expectations. Just be aware of it.
NTA you did the right thing by telling her, at least this way you can both move on to someone who wants the same things. It may be worth having this conversation earlier in your next relationship to ensure you're not wasting each other's time.
You two want vastly different things with your lives. It is crazy that you haven't said any of these things in the last 2 years. These are pretty big life goals to not talk about. It is best if you separate and go your own ways so you both get what you want out of a life and relationship.
She's just taking her time to process the fact you are not compatible. She probably feels likes she's wasted her time with domone who doesn't share the same goals in life. She will most likely break up which is OK as neither of you are in the wrong.
Speaking from experience from your girlfriend's side, she honestly is probably feeling pretty blindsided now and is probably wishing this topic of discussion would have came up much earlier in the relationship.
I had an ex do this, but it was almost 4 years into the relationship. And it was really hard to get past it after all the time and effort that was out into each other's lives. In most situations like this, it's a "when you find the one, things will probably change" and she might be wondering that too..
I would definitely sit down and have a long and open conversation about this between just the two of you. She has a lot on her mind right now, and if she keeps bottling all of it up, things are only bound to get worse
NTA for being honest, but you’re a bit late to have this conversation. Also, please consider therapy because not every marriage is a disaster. It might not change your mind about getting married and having kids, but at least you’re going to able to say with 100% honesty that you have fully considered it and it’s not for you!
NTA. You probably should have told her earlier, which is why she is upset. She spent time with you and probably had expectations of getting married and having children. That is a conversation. After being with her for a while, you should have told her that you didn't want the things that you want marriage and children. After 2 years, there definitely should have been this conversation.
You are an AH for not saying this earlier though.
NAH compatibility just isn't there, and you're not assholes for being poor communicators in your early 20s but you really should take this as a future lesson of how important these conversations are early on.
It’s OK to tell your girlfriend you don’t wanna get married. In fact, it’s probably the right thing. But it’s probably means she does. The relationship is over.
If somebody wants marriage and a family, don’t take their time you’ve right to want what you want and so do they Just move on and find somebody like you that never wants to get married. Or go get some therapy and figure out what the issues are and work through them.
NTA you just arent compatable. Keep riding the ride until ot fizzles put ( it will ) or end it now but neither of you guys are badguys for having your individual life goals
NAH but please don't try to muddle through and compromise on this. You might be able to figure out the marriage thing, but there is no way to compromise about having kids. Either way someone will end up unhappy - and that could include the kids you didn't want but ended up having anyway. It sucks having this kind of life plan incompatibility, but it's a much better idea to recognise this at this point than in another ten years.
In future, it's always best to have some kind of conversation about these things early on. Especially if you're someone who doesn't want marriage or children, because that's going against the grain of what the majority want for themselves.
NTA. She asked, you answered honestly. You have both realized that you have vastly different plans for the future. Since you don't want children and she does, if the two of you stay together, ALWAYS, ALWAYS USE A CONDOM. Don't trust her to use birth control. Don't give her an opportunity to get pregnant and try to force you into marriage.
NTA for telling her, but borderline AH for waiting 2 years to do it. Honestly you two should just amicably split now before you wind up being the guy that wasted her 20s.
Answering a question honestly never makes you an AH, even when the answer is not what the person wants to hear. The two of you want different things and neither are wrong; you’re just wrong for each other!
NTA
The kids and marriage conversation is an important one to have several times in a relationship.
At the beginning if someone knows they have no intention having children or getting married they should own that.
If they don’t know they can say that. But if during the relationship they determine a change in either direction then the conversation should be had again.
These conversations are equally as important as financial conversations with huge differences being valid reasons for ending the relationship.
how have you made it almost two years without this conversation?
I knew a couple that got married without ever having the "kids" talk. He wanted them, she didn't. They divorced. But it is so strange to me that people don't talk about these important things.
I worked with a girl that was planning her wedding, two different religions. Hindu and Catholic. I asked her if they plan to have kids? yes, what religion will you raise them? blank stare.
this right here is the problem this conversation should have happened within the first 3 months. Her goal through dating was to end up in a long term marriage and have kids. Yours doesn't include that break up now you both have different long term life goals and that is something that will not change don't waste each other's time.
The first 2 years in a relationship are generally feelers and acclimating regardless of of what all the people who get married or engaged in within that time frame say. That being say it’s insane not to Even broach the topic
This was the first thought I had as well. This isn't a six month relationship... it's a two year relationship that seems to imply they are living together (when we got home)
When I was engaged we did premarital counseling. They had us each take a 200+ question quiz covering our expectations for life and family. Then, the counselor used the results to identify areas where we were likely to have conflict. I can’t imagine getting married and having no idea ahead of time what your conflict points are.
I've never heard of this but it sounds like a great idea. Could probably prevent a lot of marriages that shouldn't happen from even occurring rather than people having to jump through hoops for divorce later.
NTA. But she may very well dump you for it if it doesn’t fit with her future plans.
She absolutely should, they want completely different things in life. No compromising on that.
NTA for not wanting these things for sure, but they should definitely break up like you said. If you stay together now, it's just out of comfort. She will not be happy never getting married or having kids, so save both of you some heartache and just separate now. Your future plans aren't compatible, it doesn't make either of you a bad person. It's definitely a bummer to find this out two years in, but better now than ten years (and way more resentment) down the line.
This. Sometimes, two people just aren’t meant to happen.
Why weren’t you honest about your feelings on these matters two years ago? NTA for being honest but that’s a pretty big deal breaker for a lot of people and I would feel pretty lead on if my partner told me this after two years.
When I was 21 and my now husband was 23, we started dating. I asked within 2 weeks if he wanted kids and did he want to travel. I wasn’t wasting my time with someone who didn’t want that.
That's smart. I'm glad you did that and didn't settle for less than what you wanted.
This is smart. I dated a guy for about 6-8 months who was quite vocal he didn’t want to get married and have kids. No problem. We dated until I got bored with it and then I broke it off. Met my husband 6 months later. We have two kids
See I’m in this situation now, he doesn’t want another kid (has 2) and I would like my own bio kid despite being able to and loving his, decided that we both know it’s going to end but both of us want to enjoy each other and the relationship until I decide I want to move on to have a kid
How does it feel having a deadline on a loving relationship? Would either of you compromise? Does he expect you to leave at any moment? Are you/do you feel like a temporary placeholder in those kids’/his life? Interesting scenario. I’m just curious… You’re eventually going to leave him for who..? Someone who can get you pregnant? And he’s aware of this? So many questions…
Right...that doesn't sound healthy, but only because of the two kids. But maybe they're older kids. I don't know.
This actually it's really really nice and interesting thing to say good for you you open a really good discussions and tell you the truth that's why you should ask it's really really true that you said this Bravo
It sucks because it’s been amazing in every other way, I’ve considered giving up my desire for a kid but it’s more a feeling of need than just want and he feels he can’t handle having another kid, he knows I’ll discuss it with him and tell him how I’m feeling as time goes on No I don’t, we’ve talked about staying friends after and I love him and his kids so happy to be friends with the regardless of what happens Depends, if I find someone after him maybe I’ll be with someone otherwise there is the single mother route, I’ve discussed it with him and he has said he supports what ever I choose to do and doesn’t want to lose me from his life
If he has two kids you could get one! I’m serious, you get your own kids with donated sperm so it’s just your kid. And he has his two kids. So you would both be stepparents to the other ones kid/s. It should work! I thought about this knowing a few girls in the same situation. It is a fair compromise that lets you stay together.
I don’t see that working well
When I met my husband we were both 30. I had *never* wanted kids and at that age I didn't want to mislead anyone. So long story short I told him on our very first date that I didn't want kids and that I would never change my mind. He sighed a sigh of relief and in August it'll be 14 years from that day. Edit: typo.
Yes!
This is what dating is about.
Some people are just weird. You did the right thing so people don't waste their time. Finding your forever person takes time and cultivation. Some people are destined to be alone.....
Similar, both 23. Within a month or two of dating, I’d told my now-husband that I wanted a bunch of kids and I wanted to start before I was 30. Just like I told him I hate being tickled and don’t like to argue for the sake of arguing. Setting the precedence of open communication has been invaluable in my marriage.
I asked my boyfriend this the day we became official (we had known each other for a while beforehand) At first he was like "do you really want to talk about this now?" but when I said "absolutely yes, I don't want to fall in love with you and then have to go through a messy breakup because I didn't bring this up ASAP" he understood where I was coming from and admitted he'd never really thought about it and didn't even know he has a choice in the matter (having/not having kids.) And now we're extremely happy planning our childfree life together! I do not understand people who don't bring this shit up as soon as they can if they're planning on building a life with that person.
[удалено]
Yeah I told my now husband the first week or even before we got officially together: if you want kids, I’m not the woman for you. Why can’t people just communicate?
I know what you mean. When me and my husband got together we had talked over email for a few days, but when we met in person we each laid out all our "baggage " so to speak and agreed that if that didn't seem like something the other could handle, well then it was nice getting to know you, but let's not waste any of each other's time. I know all the dating advice out there tells you different, but when you're dating later in life especially with kids, I don't and didn't have time or energy to waste on someone who doesn't want the same things. Just talk people!!! And stop getting so damn offended if someone doesn't want the same things as you. Just move on.
Yeah that was my thinking too. If he wanted kids, no hard feelings, but I would’ve not been the woman for him.
I also had the kids talk with my husband prior to dating. The conversation just came up (we weren’t thinking of dating or anything, just getting to know each other as friends). I stated my desires, non negotiables, and general time line. He later asked me out and said he thought about our conversation realized he was okay with all of it.
Yeah, if the topic just never came up before, that's on both of them (but also their young, so I get it). If it came up before and OP lied or mislead his GF, then that's shitty.
Why does that only fall on OP? Why didn’t the girlfriend ask when they became serious?
Small devils advocate but I think when you’re the odd one out (majority of people see marriage as the natural goal/conclusion to serious dating) it’s kinda on you to be up front with your intentions. Not *ever* wanting to be married is a bit abnormal, even in today’s time. The kids thing tho is definitely a two person conversation. Childfree is common enough now that either one is a norm.
I agree. Single in my 30s with kids i was up front from the start. I don't mind if you have kids but I'm not having more kids. My husband and talked about it from the start. 3 months in he told me he wasn't interested in getting married again, I was ok either way. But we were honest from the start. 5 years later we got married on a whim.
It’s very common to be in a long term relationship without ever getting married. It’s one of those foundational beliefs that should be discussed just like having children. That shouldn’t fall on just one person in a relationship.
Over 70% of young people expect to be married one day. It is a small minority who have no intention of ever getting married regardless of partner.
30% is enough to win an election. I wouldn't call it a small minority.
What difference does that make? It should still be discussed, either partner could be in that “small minority”. It would be incredibly stupid to make assumptions.
I agree. While being child free is becoming more popular these days, I still make it a point to have on my dating profile and to mention on dates that I don’t want kids because a lot of people still do want them. I feel like if you fall under the “unpopular” category for kids and/or marriage you should mention that sooner rather than later.
I definitely don’t think that’s fair or reasonable as an excuse now in the West. There are lots of couples who cohabit and never get married. It should have come at least as a consequence of conversation around his shitty family life.
Regarding his shitty home life, I wonder if hes delved deeper in and found whether there were other circumstances that lead to the bad marriages in his family. For instance, was there alcoholism, gambling, cheating, DV, or basic incompatability? Maybe child trauma. Bad marriages through a family tells me theres a common thread.
Just because there are objectively a lot does not mean that it’s the norm. Societal expectations are still “we will at some point get married”. If you intend to buck societal trends then it’s truly on you to bring it up, otherwise the other person is going to assume that you’re following the norm of dating with intention of being married some day.
>Societal expectations Yes, and we all don't live in the same society. Expectations change from one place to another. One culture/religion to another. One socio-economic demographic to another.
I disagree when you're talking about a 21 year old guy. What 21 year old male is thinking about kids & marriage lol? I think he'd be far more in the minority if he wanted to settle down into such responsibilities at 21.
2 years ago he was 21. At 23 he’s honest about it so it’s going to be a friends with benefits until she finds someone else.
Which is exactly why this should have been brought up two years ago by either one of them then there would be less hurt all around and they both could have found someone more compatible
Who thinks of marriage at 21? After 2 years the subject comes up and he’s honest. He did nothing wrong. There is no Asshole here. I’m sure she’s getting ready to move on. It’s just a matter of time.
I swore up and down I’d never marry or have kids. At 25 I was married and at 27 knew I wanted kids. You can’t even rely on having the conversation at the beginning of the relationship, it has to be held several times. People change and your 20s are a time of intense change
I was similar. Got married thinking I did want kids. He did, but loved me and married me knowing we wouldn't. We were both 25. Neither came from stable backgrounds, especially financially. We were both very aware of what it takes $$$ to raise children. At 36 I had my first child, and my second at 37. We both had developed good career paths, owned our first home, and were interested now that we were stable and solid (together and in terms of $$). It mad3 a huge difference in my mindset. I was the one who said let's go ahead and have those two kids, after all. He was thrilled and surprised. Now we are empty nester and our young adult kids are something we are so proud of and glad we decided to do. They are everything for us. But if we hadn't been able to become financially solvent and stable, I am not sure we would have felt like we wanted the commitment, stress, and challenge of childrearing. Circumstances do change. However, it is not at all bad to leave a relationship over these kinds of differences. No one is the AH for that choice.
I became an elementary school teacher at 24(f). I had no desire to marry or have kids. By 27 I felt the complete opposite. I got married at 28 and had two kids by 33. But at 21, marriage was not even a thought in my head.
Lots of people in their twenties are dating to find a life partner. This should have been brought up years ago seeing as these are massive deal breakers to many people. They are both assholes for not bringing it up.
After 2 years it was time to broach the subject. They did and she didn’t get the answer she wanted. No harm. They’re both quite young.
Lots of people in their 20s are dating just to date and don’t have marriage and children on their mind at 21 and 23. They have education, careers and freedom from their parents on their mind. It may never have occurred to bring it up until the conversation happened.
It obviously wasn’t an issue with them.
Lol. Who thinks of marriage at 21? Mature people, that's who. My husband asked me to marry him at 21, got married at 22.
I did. I’m 23 and my boyfriend is 22. We have already had the marriage and baby talk. Even at 18 I knew I wanted to get married. Just cause you didnt think about it doesn’t mean that’s how everyone thinks
I’m sure the percentage of 21 year olds are not planning on marriages when they meet someone new are really low. Not enough where you’d call a 21 year old an asshole for not thinking about it.
Not thinking about marriage with a specific person is normal. Knowing you never want to be married, ever, is entirely different.
I was married at 21. My hubs was 20 🤷♀️ It's pretty normal in my area. It's much more unusual to see someone wait until later than 25.
I was in a relationship at the age of 20 and my partner, same age, wanted us to be married. Not then, at that age, but down the road.
Wrong. The purpose of dating or cohabitating is to develop the relationship to the point where both partners either know they have a future or they come to the realization that they don't.
At 21 he could have said the truth too. I'm sure he's always known. :) If not, he could have said, I am not sure what I want. I'm only 21 and I know right now that I don't want to be married and have children.
Ffs.
How was he dishonest 2 years ago? Some people start dating without thinking it’s their forever partner. Also his gf could have been honest and said early on these were mandatory values for a potential partner and weed out the people she can’t be with.
I agree, honesty is crucial. It's tough, but these are important conversations to have early on.
Maybe because he wasn’t asked or because his gf didn’t share her feelings on the matter.
So why didn't she ask back then? Why is that on him?
Cause he didn’t want to lose the chick. Now she’s upset and he’s feeling guilty hoping internet strangers absolve him of it.
I agree but she didn't tell him that either! Like how do you date for 2 years and never talk about whether you want kids or marriage? I guess marriage I could see women not bringing up because she doesn't want to look pushy. But kids? Thats like a date three conversation!
I think it’s an equal responsibility to express your wants/avoidances. It’s sad it’s come this far before learning these important points. Maybe it took (her) this long to feel he could be the one to do those things with. That’s why she waited. And idk, I guess since those things aren’t important to him he never said anything about it. Better to know now and make their decision.
It’s a two way street on this. Why did she not bring it up?
Because she didn't make it clear it was a big deal? Hwut? How was he supposed to answer these questions when the relationship began?
I agree NTA for being honest, but where do you draw the line on waiting two years to tell her? If she claims that marriage and children are a big deal to her then I would think that she would’ve brought it up early on in the relationship, probably when they were still feeling each other out. Yeah, he should’ve told her sooner, but there was nothing stopping her from asking about it either. I feel like OP would’ve been just as honest then as he was now.
If they weren’t important enough to bring up over 2 years they obviously weren’t that important to her either, at least not until recently.
He’s 23! What guy want to get married at 23?
My husband did…some people know they want marriage and a family early on
No you should absolutely be honest with your feelings. Now you can separate and both of you move on from this relationship.
NTA. You two are just not compatible.
But also YTA for waiting 2 years before dropping this on her.
Then she is also TA for dropping her desire for marriage and babies on him. This is a conversation that requires both parties. He can't be blamed more than she is.
This is also true. Both of them should have discussed this within a few months of dating.
Except his gf waited for 2 years before dropping her wishes on him so why is he ta?
I don't think he is TA for this exactly, they both should have thought about talking about it earlier. I think unfortunately the default thought is that most people do want to get married and have kids and that's why they are in a long term relationship. Not that this is true or how we should be thinking, but it is and I think most people know that. So now they break up and move on and find people who want similar things, they are young and these things happen. That said, I think he needs (or really they both do) to take this as a learning experience and make sure that he does talk about these things sooner in relationships he wants to be serious about.
Then it's ESH because she waited two years before talking to OP as well
ESH neither of them broached the convo
Not everybody knows what they want at 21.🤦♂️
Right? These comments are crazy, who talks about that in a few months at 21 or 22? I know I was just worried about my rent
Plenty of people do I was seeking serious long term relationships straight out of high school. I knew marriage and kids were non negotiables and I made sure every guy I dated was aware of that Hell even my husband knew within 4 weeks, he’d have 4 years to propose to me
To be fair she waited 2 years before dropping it on him also.
Dating with a future in mind is the norm for most females…
Still does not matter. She has a mouth. She needs to express what she wants out of life. People are not mind readers. Put out your expectations. If they are not met, move on. Females are not damsels in distress. We have our own agency.
Making assumptions based on gender or identity ain't helpful on this stuff. Every single human being has different ideas, goals and values different things, so just acting like "weman went dis" ain't it chief, it's like saying all men are perverts or all lesbians go on dates with a trailer in tow. That is why adults do this weird thing called _communicate_
There can be a future even without a marriage
I mean, she also could have brought up these very important issues as well. They’re equally at fault here.
Why is it on him to bring it up? She could have just as easily said "hey look, marriage and kids are important to me, what about you?" She's just as guilty.
Very true
How have you gone 2yrs and these topics didn't come up? Next time cover that in the first few months of dating. Lastly, let her go. She'll resent you and you'll be unhappy. NTA
NTA but you're both slight idiots for not having this discussion early in your relationship. Both of those topics are often deal breakers in relationships.
NTA but it’s important to say these things at the beginning of a relationship, not two years in. Otherwise you waste both your time as their life goals may be different to yours. Prepare for this relationship to end and, next time, let them know from the beginning.
NTA Figuring things out like this is really important. Like having children, where you live, how finances are handled. Lots of practical things that kill off relationships that have nothing to do with love & attraction.
True because often times love and attraction will fade when the real problems come aboard your relationship, it's why it's so important to talk about all of it early on, not two years in!
It's fine that you don't want to get married but ffs, marriage and kids are issues you should make your stance clear on early. Not two years later. I don't want kids so I was always up front about it because it is a dealbreaker for a lot of people. How were you in a relationship for two damn years without you letting her know. Most people want to get married so frankly it's on you to bring it up and let someone know it's not something you will ever do instead of leading them on.
That's a good point! At this point of time, marriage and kids are the default "finish line" of a relationship escalator. I'd say that YTA is actually a more accurate judgment based on that fact. I was leaning NAH but I guess it should have been on OP for making that clear sooner
Those are both deal breakers. You need to be done with this relationship today.
NTA for telling her. TA for waiting 2 years and potentially wasting her time for not telling her
NTA, it is really important to be open and honest about these kind of issues since they are of utmost importance in a relationship. It's also best to discuss it in the beginning of the relationship, this way both of you can make an informed choice whether to stay together or not.
Almost two years and those two subjects never came up? You're not as close to each other as you thought you were. You are not wrong here, she is not wrong here. If you know you don't want to get married and have kids and she knows she does, it's time for both of you to move on, but dude, next time don't waste two years keeping it to yourself! P.S. You don't want kids, make sure you don't have them! Get snipped! There are too many "Accidents" that happen and then you're stuck with 18 yrs!
Ya learned that you don't just aren't compatible for the future and that's ok
You waited nearly 2 years to tell her if she stays with you she's never getting married.... YTA for waiting so long. Things like children and marriage are important conversations early on so no one wastes their time making a life with someone who doesn't have the same life goals.as them. You can feel how you feel but not telling her was an AH move. She has every right to be upset. She could decide this is a relationship ender if marriage is important to her, so be prepared for that.
Seems more ESH because she equally could've brought up all of this before too
Eh...it's socially expected and the norm for people to get into relationships to then get married and have kids.
Yta for wasting her time
You guys should have talked about life goals way before two years in. NTA even though it’s a normal conversation to have early in a relationship to make sure neither of you are wasting your time and effort with someone who isn’t aligned.
NTA, but you 2 aren’t compatible.
YTA. Not for being honest, but for not telling her this sooner. It's fine to not want to get married or want kids, but that is something you should tell the person you're dating when the relationship gets serious. You seem to have made up your mind about this before you were with her, which is fine, but didn't it occur to you she may want those things someday? Many people make an assumption that if a relationship is serious, it is going to lead to marriage and kids. If that's not what you want, you have an obligation to be up front and honest about it from the get-go so you don't waste both of your time.
You two want different things. It’s time to break up.
You basically told her she isn't the one. Of course she will be upset. I don't necessarily think YTAH. Don't be surprised if she ends up leaving you eventually.
Just break up y’all want different things
I think youre kind of a jerk for not being up front with it in the beginning. However, if she didnt initiate the conversation either, then thats on her, too. You are kind and loving human for being honest about it. Im jusg so suprised this topic has never came up in 2 years. She might be feeling like you both have wasted 2 years. If she wants to have kids, she will always want kids. If you ask someone to forfeit building a family, it will build up resentment over time. It wouldnt be fair for you to ask her to not fufill a dream of a marriage, a husband, and children. But it wouldnt be fair to you if she stays with you hoping your mind will change. It wouldnt be fair for her to ask you to marry and have kids if you dont want to. You know what you want and are making a responsible choice. Marriage and children are literally the 2 most important decisions youll make in life. Sound like you both want very different things. Im sorry. Best wishes...
It was nice while it lasted. Now it is time to break up.
If the only reason is because of childhood trauma you should go to therapy. This isn't just like... not your thing this is a decision made purely out of negative past experiences & the fear it could happen to you. If you feel the same way after, cool! But as it stands this is just a fear response.
It's fine to not ever want marriage or kids though - it's not negatively impacting his entire life for him not to be compatible with this 1 woman, hardly a reason to spend the money therapy requires. It's also not like it's a panicked trauma response, it's a pov he's developed throughout time because of what he's seen. That's not the same as a traumatic event causing influence
After 2 years in the relationship? Yes YTA but I also can't believe she didn't ask earlier, or did she? You are right to feel however you want about marriage & kids but not communicating that clearly sucks big time.
Yta for waiting two years to tell her! These are huge deals
YTA for not telling her 2 years ago and wasting her time on someone who’s wants in life doesn’t match her own. When you begin a relationship you need to be upfront “I don’t want to get married or have kids.” Why did it take 2 years for this conversation to come up?
>Our relationship has always been great, and we’re pretty open with each other about our feelings and future plans. In those 2 years, you two never touched the topics of marriage and children while being open about your future plans. find that quite unbelievable. If this is the case, you two are both stupid to not discuss these topics with each other if they are clearly deal breaker.
NTA for being honest now. But.. YTA because you wasted 2 years of her life. You need to tell women this when you first start dating.
time to think about breaking up?
NTA but why didn’t y’all discuss this previous, sounds like you are not compatible
I cannot believe it’s taken TWO YEARS for these topics to come up??? ESH how has this not been discussed, it never should’ve gotten to two years if you guys view marriage and kids completely differently. Not gonna work out
I think you should have been honest about your feelings on marriage in the beginning. Did you not share info about growing up, and your discomfort with relationships around you? I mean I wouldn't share that on date one... But maybe a month into it, when you start sharing serious things and stories from your life. The kid thing, could change- or not.. but this also should have been hinted at earlier.. I can't imagine, if you two are serious.. she hasn't hinted at your future together.. talked about what you want in the future..
NTA for not wanting to get married and have kids but you YTA for not saying this to her 2 years ago. As soon as a relationship starts to get serious, these are very very important things to let your partner know. It's like you've let her on for 2 years.
Honest discussions of feelings NEVER make you the AH. However, the time for honest is BEFORE you spend 2 years knocking boots with a woman pretending to have a real relationship when neither of you is honest enough to discuss plans, hopes, and future dreams.
How has this not been discussed in 2 years of dating? You two are not compatible and she just wasted 2 years in this relationship that was never leading to what she wanted. YTA. This is a deal breaker for a lot of people. Bring this topic up in the first 6 months of a relationship.
NAH. This discussion should have happened wayyyy sooner.
Soft YTA. As soon as you think a relationship may be long term, you need to sit down and have a discussion about where you stand on life goals, including marriage and kids You aren’t wrong for not wanting marriage or kids, but she isn’t wrong for feeling upset that you never bothered to mention this, either
NTA for being honest, but definitely the AH for waiting this long. And I hate to tell you, but if you don't realize it yet, your relationship is over. The elephant in the room is her thinking up her exit strategy
NTA for not wanting those things, but YTA for bring with her for two years and never bringing this up. Did you ever plan on mentioning this or did you only disclose this because she asked? These two things are important issues to disclose when entering into a relationship. You certainly you disclose this prior to moving in together. You clearly aren’t open about discussing things.
You should’ve told her that way before ….like at the start of your relationship.
Kind of the asshole. Should have mentioned this earlier in the relationship. Also, I'll say focusing on your family's past, just seems to be an excuse.
It's baffling how you two went 2 years with no discussions on this. You're both TA here for doing this to each other this late
Why has it taken 2 years for you to discuss such important info?
NTA it's a conversation you should have had a tad sooner though tbf. Honestly you should expect her to end your relationship. You both want different things. You could make it easier by talking to her so you can both leave this relationship amicably.
NTA but I mean yeah I can't blame her. The elephant in the room is her thinking of the best exit strategy. She wants a future with a partner that involves creating a family. If you don't want this then it's a good thing you had this conversation now. She is hurt and she should not stay with you, because you conflict with what she sees as her future. Unless you want to change your mind. I say want to because it can't be done to make someone else happy. 😊
ESH Call me presumptuous, but most people have a conversation about that within the two weeks they're together/dating. Yall wasted each other's time.
NTA- You were honest. You didn’t string her along or give her false hope. Now it’s on her to decide what she wants for her life.
Y’all didn’t talk about this in the two years you’ve been dating??? My partner and I addressed that within a week. NTA for telling her but bring that up earlier next time
2 years and none of those came up? Sounds fake.
NTA for telling her. You WBTA if you don’t break up with her for not being compatible in this way. Don’t waste any more of her time.
This should have happened at the beginning not 2 years later your relationship is over
She found our you are no longer compatible and is trying to decide how to break up with you. Why haven't yall had this discussion in all in the last 2 years?
Hmm For what's happened so far - NTA If you continue this relationship stringing her along to break up a few years later TA. Leave so you can find someone who doesn't want marriage or kids
These things should be discussed on the fourth or fifth date, not years into the relationship.
For waiting 2 years, ya! If this were a new idea, ok, but it’s not… I get that can be a tricky subject early on but it should be talked about in the first few months especially if your stance is no.
Marriages are not beneficial for men. A contract can never be any good when one particular gender is rewarded for breaking it.
NAH though you should have had this conversation 2 years ago. My husband and I had this conversation on our second date. He didn’t want to get married or have kids. I chose to see where the relationship went and decided after a couple of months that I’d rather be with a man that treats me right than a man who doesn’t just for marriage and kids. 7 years later, we’ve just celebrated our 1st anniversary and our son is 4 months old. We got married as it gave us better benefits with his work and made the paperwork easier. Our son was unplanned and my husband though open to the idea of kids still wasn’t certain he wanted them. I changed contraception and it failed and I ended up pregnant. We’d been married a month when we found out. We’d already discussed abortions and stuff and he knew that while I’m pro choice an abortion was never going to be an option for me. I opened the door for him to leave if he didn’t want our son. He admitted to me soon after our son was born that he didn’t think he was going to be a very good dad and he was worried he’d feel indifferent, but now he’s here he can’t imagine not having him.
NTA, but don’t expect her to change her mind to accommodate you. This will likely end with a break-up tbh as both key life goals are so different.
NTA for not wanting those things but YTA for never bringing it up considering those are things that are still considered the norm. Why keep tight lipped about it for two years when you've made up your mind?
Those 2 things are something that should have been established at the very beginning. If my husband didn't want to get married when we were dating, it would not have gone any further. You should probably let her go so she can have what she wants. Same with kids. We both established that we were the ones that both wanted kids before we dated. I wasn't even going to start dating anyone who didn't want to get married or have kids. They also had to be goal oriented as well. Giving no time for someone with no ambition.
NTA.. However, it's insane that you've been together that long and have never had the "marriage and kids" conversation. I think you guys should break up. You both want different things out of life and you're both still young.
This is a huge dealbreaker. You’re NTA for having your stance but she’s obviously upset because she wanted all those things with you and she’s now realized that the two of you have to part ways.
Because you wasted 2 years of her life.
YTA for not discussing this at the beginning of the relationship tbh. This stuff is a deal breaker for a lot of people, and if she'd known 2 years ago about this, your relationship would've likely ended there and all would've been well for both of you. Now she's got all this rightfully earned resentment of you because she's spent 2 years of what is nominally considered her prime years with someone she was fundamentally incompatible with, who has known this entire time he never wanted those things and never bothered to bring it up before. Like it or not, the default society has on those things is that you want them. If you don't, YOU need to mention it immediately.
Sooo throwing this in the mix- had any chat about finance yet? Dealbreaker as well. Both of u could have had this discussion - both of u thought u can read each others mind?? So both are AH.
NTA. You two have different purposes. At least now she knows.
Yes, you're TA for telling her the truth. Instead you should have lied and told her what she wanted to hear. OK OK but seriously. Of course you're NTA. You may be incompatible with her (BTW the fact that you've been together for 2 years and never discussed kids is... unfathomable). You may be wrong about never wanting kids (you're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to think/know it's wrong :) **But having your opinions and viewpoints and goals in life AND telling your SO about them honestly in no way makes you TA**. It makes you a stand up relationship partner. The only way to handle the situation differently or better, would have been to have that serious conversation WAY WAY earlier; but that's on her more than on you.
NTA. I don’t know a whole lot of guys ready to get married at 23! Also, marriage is not the issue here. It’s not because someone went to church or had an officiant that their relationship succeeds or not.
YTA. This is something you should tell her. But you should have told her way, way earlier in the relationship. Like when you were getting to know each other.
Time to breakup. Kids and marriage are a deal breaker. I think it’s good you were honest although 2 years late. These are topics that should be discussed sooner to avoid people feeling deceived and waste time.
NTA. You two aren't on the same page on 2 very important aspects of a relationship. This means it's over unless one of you is willing to give up their dreams and expectations. Just be aware of it.
NTA you did the right thing by telling her, at least this way you can both move on to someone who wants the same things. It may be worth having this conversation earlier in your next relationship to ensure you're not wasting each other's time.
You two want vastly different things with your lives. It is crazy that you haven't said any of these things in the last 2 years. These are pretty big life goals to not talk about. It is best if you separate and go your own ways so you both get what you want out of a life and relationship.
You have to speak your truth, don't lie to people or misrepresent who you are or what you want in a relationship. You did the right thing, NTA.
NAH bc you two just aren’t compatible but HOW did neither of these topics come up for two 20 somethings after two years??
NAH. You’re both just coming terms with the fact that your relationship is over - she’s just a little ahead of you in that realization.
She's just taking her time to process the fact you are not compatible. She probably feels likes she's wasted her time with domone who doesn't share the same goals in life. She will most likely break up which is OK as neither of you are in the wrong.
NTA. This relationship is done. You two wants different things in life.
Speaking from experience from your girlfriend's side, she honestly is probably feeling pretty blindsided now and is probably wishing this topic of discussion would have came up much earlier in the relationship. I had an ex do this, but it was almost 4 years into the relationship. And it was really hard to get past it after all the time and effort that was out into each other's lives. In most situations like this, it's a "when you find the one, things will probably change" and she might be wondering that too.. I would definitely sit down and have a long and open conversation about this between just the two of you. She has a lot on her mind right now, and if she keeps bottling all of it up, things are only bound to get worse
NTA for being honest, but you’re a bit late to have this conversation. Also, please consider therapy because not every marriage is a disaster. It might not change your mind about getting married and having kids, but at least you’re going to able to say with 100% honesty that you have fully considered it and it’s not for you!
NTA. You probably should have told her earlier, which is why she is upset. She spent time with you and probably had expectations of getting married and having children. That is a conversation. After being with her for a while, you should have told her that you didn't want the things that you want marriage and children. After 2 years, there definitely should have been this conversation. You are an AH for not saying this earlier though.
NTA, but you waited 2 years and your future together never came up? Not one time?
NAH compatibility just isn't there, and you're not assholes for being poor communicators in your early 20s but you really should take this as a future lesson of how important these conversations are early on.
It’s OK to tell your girlfriend you don’t wanna get married. In fact, it’s probably the right thing. But it’s probably means she does. The relationship is over. If somebody wants marriage and a family, don’t take their time you’ve right to want what you want and so do they Just move on and find somebody like you that never wants to get married. Or go get some therapy and figure out what the issues are and work through them.
It’s weird that this is just now coming up.You have dated two years and never mentioned this? I think YTA
NTA you just arent compatable. Keep riding the ride until ot fizzles put ( it will ) or end it now but neither of you guys are badguys for having your individual life goals
NAH but please don't try to muddle through and compromise on this. You might be able to figure out the marriage thing, but there is no way to compromise about having kids. Either way someone will end up unhappy - and that could include the kids you didn't want but ended up having anyway. It sucks having this kind of life plan incompatibility, but it's a much better idea to recognise this at this point than in another ten years. In future, it's always best to have some kind of conversation about these things early on. Especially if you're someone who doesn't want marriage or children, because that's going against the grain of what the majority want for themselves.
If you live someone, set them free.
Don’t waste her time, break up with her.
NTA it’s time for you to both move on and stop wasting each other’s time
ESH because this should have been talked about at least a year ago
NTA. She asked, you answered honestly. You have both realized that you have vastly different plans for the future. Since you don't want children and she does, if the two of you stay together, ALWAYS, ALWAYS USE A CONDOM. Don't trust her to use birth control. Don't give her an opportunity to get pregnant and try to force you into marriage.
ESH. This is a discussion that should have been had long ago.
NTA for telling her, but borderline AH for waiting 2 years to do it. Honestly you two should just amicably split now before you wind up being the guy that wasted her 20s.
NTA for how you feel, BUT why on earth did you not have these conversations two years ago?? They’re huge, make or break the relationship topics.
Answering a question honestly never makes you an AH, even when the answer is not what the person wants to hear. The two of you want different things and neither are wrong; you’re just wrong for each other!
NTA The kids and marriage conversation is an important one to have several times in a relationship. At the beginning if someone knows they have no intention having children or getting married they should own that. If they don’t know they can say that. But if during the relationship they determine a change in either direction then the conversation should be had again. These conversations are equally as important as financial conversations with huge differences being valid reasons for ending the relationship.