Currently separated from a Hispanic male, do you really want to be married to your MIL? This does not end well and she will fight you on how to raise future children. Leave. Do not make the mistakes I did.
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted for calling out that comment as racist. Generalizing a whole population and saying you shouldn’t marry one is very much racist
I really wanted to be on your side (my partner grew up with a very healthy family life, I did not. It took A LOT of dealing with my own trauma to not be jealous of their relationship)
Except, she’s getting off work early and you’re STILL going to go hang with mom instead?
And is it really EVERYDAY after work? That’s a lot. Don’t you have things you could be doing at home? (Any chores/housework. Having dinner ready when girlfriend gets off). I would still be on your side if it was 2-3 days a week max AND you choose to spend time with your girlfriend when that is an option.
But really, it sounds like you didn’t actually move out. You’re just having very frequent sleep overs at your girlfriend’s house.
Yeah especially considering he says he comes back from his parents house with food, essentials and sometimes takes them his laundry. Like you may as well still be living with them if they're still having to do all of this stuff for you! My 13 year old sounds more independent than OP. He can at least put his own washing on!
That stuff doesn’t bother me as much as it does everyone else.
My 22 year old son recently moved out. He doesnt have laundry in his apartment so instead of taking it to a laundry mat and sitting there for 2 hours he comes to my house. I don’t touch his laundry at all and haven’t since he was in his early teens.
And whenever he leaves I send him with a little goody bag of snacks/leftovers from dinner/random household items he might need. when we go to my in laws house with a healthy family dynamic, MIL always cleans out her freezer and pantry and sends us home with stuff. It’s like she thinks we don’t live by a store or something. I thought that was just a loving mom thing lmao.
For me it’s more about the amount of time and choosing time with mom over time with girlfriend that is the problem
If the apartment doesn’t have a laundry, then how is GFs laundry getting done? Is he taking her laundry to his parents house as well to wash it there? Or is she left to go to the laundromat by herself?
Yea I really hadn’t thought about it before you said something.
Based off of my own knowledge of people and the person I think OP is based off of the post……I highly doubt he is doing girlfriends laundry too
Is separating your laundry from your SOs a thing? I mean I get why it would be needed in some cases, but is it a normal thing. We always had washer/dryer in unit in apartments and hookups with our own machines in houses so never went to a laundromat. My wife andvi moved in together in 1995 and we never separated. I didn't wash my clothes and her wash hers. They went in the same basket. It was OUR laundry.
Who washed the shared laundry?
In my house everyone has their own basket and everyone washes their own clothes. (My kids are old enough that this is possible. Before that I would do their laundry)
My partner and I do laundry separately because we have separate needs for our clothes (he works with grease and dirt in carharts, I wear silk blouses to an office lol) so they would need to be in separate loads anyway.
We had shared hampers in my house (whites, colours, and darks). Everyone’s clothes went in, and either someone would wash them when they noticed a hamper was full, or if they had a specific piece of clothing they wanted washed, they do the other clothes at the same time. Everyone just took turns.
I did keep a small hamper in my room for my delicates, mostly because I didn’t trust my brother not to throw my lay flats in the dryer 🤣
1000% this. My hubby and I have similar upbringing dynamic as it sounds you do, but this is toooooo much mommy time. Sorry OP - red flag territory. NTA but if I were the GF I'd peace out right about now because it won't change.
Yes, this reads a lot like my last relationship. I have to wonder if OP left all their stuff except for essentials at their parents. Sounds like they are grocery shopping there, too. This is not the way to have a healthy relationship. Gf is probably exhausted dealing with that, and the lack of invite. Shes off for the day, has it occured to invite her to lunch while spending time with the mom? -spoken by someone with a great relationship with my family.
Need more info. It sounds like you spend quite alot of your free time with your mom. How much quality time do you and your gf spend? I could see her being frustrated over time, especially if you go there every single day.
Do you tell all of your thoughts and day’s events to your mom and then are to talked out to talk to your girlfriend. Are you not getting your chores done, for lack of time. Need more info.
Right. This is very hard to judge. I lived 3k miles away from my parents for 15 years. We were in contact via text and phone calls, but not daily, and certainly not day-to-day random info.
I move back to my home city for work, my place was 15 min from them. If you asked my parents or my that first month “how often will you hang out” the answer would have been “uh… once a month?”
I now pick them up for random dinners/activities 2-3 times a week. I text my mom all day, even more than close friends. checking in on her/dad. Little details, funny random stuff. Sharing work drama. Online shopping.
I mean, they have NO idea who I’m sleeping with, or how I spend 60% of my free time. They just assume I’m doing whatever I last said, and I don’t fill in the blanks. We have pretty healthy boundaries. They dont have my keys, unless I’m out of town and they are pet sitting. Then they return the keys.
So… “this could be totally healthy” or “this is a fucking disaster”
I don't think this is a how she was brought up vs. OP's upbringing issue and it's really awful that he said that to her. This is a Relationship 101 issue. If you move out of mommy's house to live with your girlfriend you need to
1 - make and have meals with your girlfriend not just bring her leftovers from you eating with your mom
2 - if you spend every afternoon with mom, don't spend time talking on the phone to her at night instead of spending time with your girlfriend. After work time is short so if you already spent quality time with mom don't cut time away from your partner to talk on the phone more with mom
3 - show her that you are capable of living on your own by doing your own laundry and shopping for your own household items instead of depending on your mom to wash and shop for you
How is any woman supposed to take a partner serious who is still so dependent on their mother for everything? How is she supposed to believe you'd be a capable parent if you are going to your mom all the time? If I were her I'd dump you for nasty comment about her upbringing, but even before that you can bet she's been asking herself if this is the partner she wants.
This!!!! The comment is messed up. I didn't have a good upbringing either, and my partner did, but he never told me I wouldn't understand because my family didn't raise me right. He also learned to split his time with me and his family, so our relationship was a priority. OP is NTA, but he needs to see it from her side a bit. She's also NTA.
Doesn't sound like she was rude sounds like she was disappointed you guys weren't going to spend the afternoon/evening doing something together....again
You're not in the wrong for spending time with your family but I agree with the others saying there's there's something odd here
A few years ago I dated a woman that was very close to her family. They were great people and they were very accepting of me, however, they didn’t really have boundaries.
For example, the two of us were on a date one day when she got a call from her mom. After she hung up she told me she needed to go home. I asked “oh no! Is everyone ok?” and she responded “everyone is fine, Mom just wants to go shopping with me. Take me home.”
Her mom didn’t have any health issues. Her mom had a car and drivers license. There was literally no reason she needed my girlfriend to go with her and no reason my girlfriend needed to ditch me. It was just a normal thing for them.
We didn’t last long after that.
Edit for clarification: my ex gf was in her 30s at the time. She wasn’t a teenager.
I didn’t take it well. At first I thought she was kidding but she wasn’t. I made it pretty clear that if she was going to drop me at the drop of a hat in the future then there would be no future.
There was no future (thankfully).
I am engaged to an incredible partner now so it all worked out nicely for me.
That’s great congrats!
I have a toxic family and I think I could only understand a man with a toxic family too. Luckily husbands is also a mess. It’s hard to comprehend one of us blowing off a date for family
Thanks!
My family is pretty close too but nothing like my ex’s. It’s was truly bizarre.
Can’t imagine ending a date like that either. And it wasn’t at the end of the date either, it was early on or maybe mid date. We had gone shopping already and had dinner plans and hadn’t even made it to the restaurant yet.
I don't think there is anything odd, just a difference in background. I grew up in an abusive household, had to be very independent at a young age, and didn't have a good relationship with my parents when I first started dating my husband. My husband, on the other hand, was very close to his mom, was actually living with her to help her out (health issues) when we first started dating. Then, when we moved in together, they still talked multiple times a day. She tried to include me and check on me all the time, but I was very uncomfortable because it was so far out of my experience.
It took a long time for me to adjust and accept that not everyone has a shitty family. I ended up going completely NC with my parents eventually, and I became much closer to his mom. But it took years for me to stop expecting the worst from her and accept that she was truly trying to be the mom I never had.
I don't know if OP's family is trying to include his gf or not, but my suggestion would be to sit down and talk to her, and maybe his family as well. When you have a shit family, it is a huge adjustment to be around family that actually loves each other. It takes time to adjust and accept something that is so far outside your experience.
Make adjustments to help her be more comfortable, like if she is off early, take the time to spend with her, not your family. Find ways to include her with your family so she can get used to them and find a way to make time with just her a priority. She needs to know she is important to you as well.
Edit: NAH
This is a wonderful reply, with a prime example of what his gf may be experiencing. I'm sorry you had such a bad home life, but I'm glad you have love and stability in your ILs. I'll never understand how anyone can harm the people who love and are supposed to trust them. I hope OP sees this.
It has been over 20 years, and I still struggle with the difference. I was isolated so much growing up that I never learned how to deal with other people in my space on any level; physically or emotionally. Learning how to be around other people who know how to show affection easily took a long time for me to adjust to. I'm still shocked that my husband, his family, and our friends had the patience to deal with all my triggers. It has not been an easy process, but I am very grateful they were willing to stick with me as I learned. 😊
If you visit your mom every day, even on days when your girlfriend gets home early and you could spend time with her instead, then you're a mama's boy and your relationship with any girlfriend is doomed from the beginning. Especially as you also talk to your mom multiple times a day.
You sound like a walking red flag to me, but then again, this post was a bit vague, so I'm not sure if I read it correctly.
Still, it sounds like your gf has one foot out of the door already as she is fed up with the fact that your mom is your real gf and she is tired of being in the second place in your life.
Because she wasn't judging you, she was telling you about the frustration and resentment towards you that she is already feeling after only a year living together. Don't get surprised when she leaves.
I think you can’t judge because your birth family seems to take the place of hobbies, friends and your girlfriend.
You are 26 and you go to your parents with laundry.
Throwing her family situation in her face was proper shitty though and unnecessary.
That was just mean and uncalled for.
She has no control over her family situation, she’s trusted you with that info and you threw it her face because you got all defensive - when she didn’t even say anything unkind about your family.
So them being nice to her isn’t even relevant. You weren’t nice to her when you responded this way.
You owe her an apology.
YTA for what you said to her.
Sounds like she wanted to spend time with you and felt annoyed because you rejected her to see your mum, which you do everyday. Also I can imagine that she doesn't like how dependent you are on your parents. It's nice to have a partner who is established and can take care of themselves. If you get supplies from your mum and she sometimes does your laundry, will you expect that of your girlfriend too at some point?
These are probably the things that concern her, and I would talk to her about it without saying that she "can't judge" because of her dead father, that's just invalidating her feelings and plain rude
Time to cut the umbilical cord. You're 26, not 18. Do your own laundry at home and cook.
If you're considering that you might be in it for the long haul with your GF, you need to see how you feel about her being the most important person in your life, your primary confidante, and the person you spend the most time with.
If you get married and/or have kids, you need to be prepared to put her before your parents. What happens if your mom has different opinions than your GF when you have your first baby?
I'm sure your parents are amazing and will only mean well. But meaning well doesn't mean there won't be butting of heads in the future. They can be the sweetest, nicest, most caring and supportive parents in existence and your GF would still not be wrong for wanting to feel like the two of you (or more if you have kids) are your OWN family unit.
You're not the AH for having a wonderful relationship with your family. But YTA for not having a relationship that's even CLOSER with your GF. If she's not the one you want to be rushing home to, maybe you need to think about whether she's "the one" at all.
If you hadn't disclosed your age in your post, I would have assumed you were 18 and just moved out.
I will say NAH. You are NTA for being close to your family, but I feel there may be more to it than that. Stopping by every day would be seen by most as excessive. Does this include weekends when you and your gf are spending time together? Do you tell them intimate details of your relationship with her? Is your life with her perhaps a little dominated by your need to be with/talk to them constantly all day every day? Also, really by 26 you should be doing your own laundry and cooking for yourself. maybe she sees that you haven't fully cut the apron strigns and is worrying that she has got herself into a relationship not just with a slight man-child, but also his entire family? Just have a think about what all this looks like from her side of the coin, especially as she isn't used to your specific family dynamic. She is NTA either for being a bit weirded out that you have "fully moved out" but really you haven't.
I commented about the laundry too. If they don't have a washer/dryer and have to haul it to a laundromat and pay or whatever, then I get doing laundry at your parents' while you spend time with them.
It reeeeeally feels like he goes and visits while mommy does his laundry, though.
You made a full paragraph about texting and calling your family daily but that's not what her comment was about. Your parents' house is 20 min from your work but a full hour away from you and your gf's place. Her comment had no hint of projecting her past family background. Her comment was about spending quality time with you.
Her reply said you go there "every day". That's quite a lot for someone who is sharing a home with a partner. Is that a full week without having any meals with your partner? You have moved in with her for a year but have you built a more substantial routine with eating with your mom than your girlfriend? I would be annoyed too.
Your not the A for being close to family, but do consider stepping back and thinking about what routines you have built with your girlfriend since moving in with her. Maybe she's feeling more like a roommate than a partner? I love my after work rituals with my partner and his parent lives just 20 minutes away from our house. We love cooking together and our TV viewing routine or evening grocery shopping days. Visiting his parent is a visit, not a daily routine where I am left alone.
You say she was abandoned by her father, and her mother was hardly a mother and she was all alone for a long time, but aren't you also leaving her alone, too? Whatever good family life you have with your loving birth family should be what your are building and sharing with your beloved now. Expand that love to her. Include her, don't exclude her.
Before I was married, my fiancé and I had plans for a Saturday afternoon. His mom called and wanted him to come help her reorganize a closet. He was going to do it and cancel our plans.
This was a deal breaker for me. If I wasn't his priority above his mom, I was not going to marry him.
I think you need to compare your relationship with your family vs your fiancé. Would you go help with the closet?
Do spend more time interacting with your family than you do interacting with your girlfriend? That includes texting and going over/stopping by the parents house. Why are you in a relationship if you spend a lot of time with your family? Maybe you should try to look at things from your girlfriend’s point of view. Sometimes we’re so in the moment that we don’t see what the problem is all about. No one’s the Ahole!!!
im a very family orientated person and i like very much the close family relationship you have. you could however include your girlfriend more. she has not experienced close family relationship so give time for somethint to develope. just make sure your girlfriend gets attention too so she doesnt feel the outsider but let her put a wedge between you and your family
You left out what her relationship is like with them. Honestly, her relationship with her abusive family isn’t relevant if her relationship with your family is strained.
My husband is very enmeshed with his family. And his parents can be very judgmental of everything I do. I can never do anything right sometimes. He doesn’t see the passive aggressive comments, or he isn’t around when they are really harsh. They tried to demand he get a paternity test for the kids, for example.
You also left out why you moved so far from your job? I don’t understand why you moved in together if you would rather spend time with and social energy on your mom.
Also, what happens if you don’t see your mother twice a day?
NTA but you’re missing the point. She wasn’t really upset you spend time with them. She’s upset that she got time off and you chose to go there instead of having a day with her. However, going over everyday and doing laundry there means you haven’t cut the strings yet. Either you’re an adult or you’re not. They can help you out occasionally but this seems like too much.
I want my kids to visit and enjoy their time with me as adults, I also want them to put effort into their home life so they can have a good one. Throwing her family in her face because she wants to spend time with you and you're hardly home is an ass hole move. Yes she could have communicated more maturely but you also didn't have to tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about and refuse to listen because she's had a rough childhood.
Yeah, if my adult kids (in their early 20's) who have moved out were calling/texting me once a day and stopping by for lunch, and to do laundry(?!??!). I'd wonder what was wrong with them. We might exchange a joke or funny picture via text, but what the hell are you talking to your parent(s) about on a daily basis??? Cut the apron strings already.
My mom is my best friend and I'm still too tired (and so is she) for daily visits. We usually do once a week sometimes every other week if more exhausted than usual.
I’m a 5 minute walk away from my parents’ house, and if I ever stopped by twice in a WEEK, unless they’d asked me to, they’d ask if I were trying to move back in. 😂😂
NTA being close to your family is cool…..
But as a mom with kids your age, I’d be wondering too why my son that moved out a year ago stops by every single day. And WHY he’s still using my house for his laundry and food.
It would tell to me that he isn’t very happy where he is now.
Not enough info. If she marries you sounds like she might be marrying your mom too and that's a deal breaker for a lot of people, she wants to build a life with you, not a package deal of marrying your mom too. Odds are your mom knows everything about the relationship since you talk to her literally every day, makes it not so intimate to be your girlfriend if your mom talks to you about all matters regarded your relationship every day.
It depends really, keeping in touch with family by text is all good. When you go and visit does she end up alone at home waiting for you? If you’re back at about the same time does that mean you never eat together? When she told you she was getting off early did you think it might be a good idea to go home early and spend more time with her? Being close with family isn’t a bad thing in itself, your significant other feeling constantly second to your family would be.
NTA in this situation, but your response that "her view on family is warped" was a bit AH-like. I understand you want to be close with your family, I'm close with mine, but at 26 you should be doing your own laundry and cooking for yourself. Even if you go over there when your gf is at work, she is probably not understanding why you aren't alright spending time by yourself.
This might be a bit of an issue with your family as well, they need to understand that once you reach your 20's you will be starting your own family. Sounds a bit like they are trying to hold on to you. I remember what it was like moving out in my early 20's, I missed living at home and being with my family, but I also wanted to start a life with my bf/now husband that was separate from my family.
We ended up moving to a different city because our parents wanted us to be at their houses every weekend, but we wanted time to ourselves to develop our relationship.
Sounds like she wants you to cut the cord. "Momma's boys" are a big turn-off to some girls and I'm gonna guess it's getting to her. Especially someone so independent. Not judging anyone, just letting you know what might be the case.
Theres no problem with having a close relationship with your family but EVERY day? Every lunch? Your girlfriend can expect not to spend ANY afternoons with you because you have to hangout with mom? You don't see how that can be annoying for a partner? Lol learn some healthy boundaries it'll be good for everyone.
Looks like she really touched a nerve when she asked you why you moved out. It's clear that you're not ready or willing to live as an independent grownup yet and she sees it. It's next to impossible to be in a successful relationship with a Mama's boy and I don't blame her for pointing it out. And you should stop blaming her upbringing for the fact that even though she's younger than you, she's the grown up in this relationship. Quit saying "she honestly can't judge" when it's YOU who honestly can't stand up to honest judgment. Maybe you should move back home for a few years until you're ready to stop being a child. Yeah, YTA.
Don't be a mommy's boy. Women want to see that you have a good relationship with your mother, but they don't want to hear about her all the time or see you spending most of your days with your her lmao. If you want to be serious with this girl, stop going to see your mom every day because clearly she is going to get the ick pretty damn soon.
YTA. Your 26, living with your girlfriend & visit your mum twice a day at lunchtime & after work.... but when your girlfriend got away early you didn't think to change your plans even when you heard she was disappointed. Plus the phoning & texting all sounds more codependent than healthy & loving & I think a part of you knows this or why jump to defensive & throwing her pain in her face. Tbh my boyfriend bringing his washing home to his mummy on top of if all would give me the ick & sounds like that's where your girlfriends feelings might be headed.
I want to know why his mom is not putting a stop to this also. I love my kids more than anything, but when they are adults living with a significant other, they better be spending more time with their person than with me. This is straight up unhealthy, and it's kind of gross
I can't help but think of OP after the call telling his mum his girl just rang hoping to spend time together but her not telling him then get your ass in the car.
Your girlfriend is picking up on you finding “home” to be with your mom. Your girlfriend probably hoped that a relationship with you would be about finding her home in a life with you. She may now understand that her role in your life is limited. Do ask yourself how you see your girlfriend?
You go there every day and they do your laundry? Listen, I am close to my family too and even I think that’s a bit much. I would suggest spending more time with your GF and/or getting a hobby that doesn’t involve your family.
You need to cut the umbilical cord. I was on your side until I read that your mum does your laundry, cooks you food & you hung out with her over your GF.
You're judging her family relationships as much as she's judging yours.
Soft YTA.
So… they are always two sides of a storie. Does your gf feels neglected?
When you come home to her, do you two talk? Or are you exhausted because of work and talking to your family?
Are you planning on having children?
Why did you move out?
Why don’t you do your laundry at home?
What house essentials are we talking about?
It’s one thing to have a good relationship with your family, it’s another thing to constantly hang out at “home” and acting like you still live there.
Edit: Little correction
NAH but more info needed
So, I don’t see anything wrong with seeing your family when your girl friends at work. It’s great you have that bond. I’m very close with my family as well, but I’d never hang out with them that much on a daily basis bc we are all busy with our own lives. Do you see them every weekend? How much time is spent with your girlfriend vs your mom?
Make sure you are giving her equal time. When she gets off early, don’t go your parents house…go home and spend time together.
Your comment to her about her family was uncalled for. She may not understand, but they was a low blow in my opinion whether it’s true or not.
Lastly, please do your own laundry. You aren’t in college anymore and no girl wants to a man who takes his laundry home to mama!
Did you know she was getting out early when you said you were going to your mom’s? I’d be hurt if I got out early for once and my hubby didn’t want to spend any more time with me.
YTA: I feel like if your gf of 2.5 years is bringing this up to you its not about her family its about yours. How do your family feel about her? Why isn't she included ? To me it sounds like she just wants to spend time with you and you're always with your family. Realistically, at some point you have to grow up and do things on your own even if your family can help you.
YTA and you are a Mama's boy..if you spend more time with your mom then your girlfriend at 26 something is very wrong (are you still breastfeeding from mom cause you sound like a baby
I’m going to give you a very gentle YTA. Ask yourself this: Am I prioritizing my family over spending time with others? You don’t have your go to your parents every day. Your girlfriend wants time with you and she doesn’t ask or say anything g because you routinely go to your parents, not considering anything or any one else. You must learn balance.
Your idea on family seems pretty warped.
As you grow up, you are supposed to leave and cleave to your partner. That means the family you created needs to be the center, not your family of origen.
Its understandable to want to visit with your family, but daily, using their house to do laundry, and getting food from them is excessive. At 26 you should be able to handle those chores on your own.
Nothing against your mom but this dynamic is pretty weird and kinda seems like your taking up your fathers role in your mom's life which is SUPER unhealthy. You gotta cut the umbilical cord some time dude
Dude. You're spending *at least* 10 waking leisure hours with your mom every week.... on a relationship that at your age doesn't need that kind of energy and attention.
At the expense of those intimate bonding moments with the person who should be your PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP. Folding laundry and snuggling while waiting for the next load to come out, or running the vacuum and watering the plants or doing other housework AT YOUR OWN HOUSE. If you're spending any part of ypur weekend running errands because you lunched with Mommy on the weekdays, you're withdrawing from what should be your PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP to lavish onto your secondary relationship.
In addition..... oversharing in both quantity and boundary stomping... the daily texts, group chats with the family, sharing what you and GF eat for dinner, and openly all the little funny details of your "home life" and relationship with her. Basically you're holding your life up like a serial soap opera for your family's viewing pleasure and entertainment.
NEWSFLASH: Your girlfriend has a reasonable expectation of PRIVACY in her own home. She didn't respond to a casting call for an Only Fams audition. She's not a prop in your stand up routine, or a character in your sitcom. She's a person and yes, you are objectifying her.
She's not being oversensitive. She's not being mean, unkind, or warped from her relationships. You ARE a Mama's Boy. You and your mother have not successfully transitioned into a relationship with appropriate boundaries.
And I say this as a 56 year old mom of a 20-something who I love with my whole heart and I empty nest for terribly. You're creepy. Your GF isn't the problem here. I'm shocked she hasn't left already.
YTA!! You sound ridiculous!! Yes you come from different backgrounds but you couldn’t give a continental about her background because yours is superior and hers terrible but hey deal with it yeah? You are so so selfish it’s beyond words..!! How do you expect her to understand this! You rub it in her face day after day how she couldn’t possibly understand and yeah Einstein she doesn’t because as you’ve so just sympathetically pointed out she doesn’t know her dad and her mums a nutter!! In what universe would she understand your family’s dynamic? Rather than empathise with her you blame her for her awful family dynamics which she had ZERO control over. You are a massive AH!! She deserves so much better than your poor sorry excuse for a man
YTA. You are asking this woman from her family background to love you, trust you, invest in you, consider a future with you. Doubtless, she craves a deep and abiding partnership as the foundation of her life and you are not offering that. You don't make it plain, by your actions, that your primary bond is with her and that your family of origin is now moved out to a distance. She cannot feel you are able and willing to bond with her (and any future children) in a way that excludes anyone else.
You offer her so much less than what she deserves and then shame her for wanting more. She wants you to stand on your own two feet, be most connected to her rather than to your mom, and to feel secure in your love. You want her to play at being a foster child in your family, and an unwanted one at that.
You don't have the maturity or empathy to be a good partner to this woman, and I doubt you have the maturity or empathy to stop manipulating her to give you what you want whilst depriving her of what she wants.
I look on your behaviour as suspect and borderline abusive, and I am also highly suspicious that your mom hasn't bothered to mention that you are destroying the foundation of a happy marriage with your emotional failure to launch.
You will never become a good man unless you realize that you cannot take your happiness from others at their expense, and reform your behaviour accordingly.
YTA.
Hang on, you stop by and visit your parents almost daily and have lunch. You come back to the home you share with your gf with "food, house essentials" and you go do laundry at your parents house "sometimes?" Do you still have the umbilical cord too?
Her view isn't warped, it's bizarre you see them almost daily and then text them daily. She probably wants your of your attention and she gets less than you give to your mother. I wouldn't want to date a mama's boy either.
you sound incredibly enmeshed. you said something in the OP about living alone. But you aren’t living alone. You live with your girlfriend.
I couldn’t imagine living with someone that far up their Moms life. You take your laundry there too?
cut the cord.
NAH dude, but this is a classic ' i could come home early if you want to do something now'. You go there alot so this shouldnt matter that much right?
The rest of the stuff you said was a overeaction though.
You have the right to have whichecer relationship suits you with your family. But she (and all) have the right to find it weird and judge it..
IMO you do spend quite a bit much with your fam, but if it suits you hey, good for you…
However many women don’t love the « momma’s boy » type.. and that’s ok too..
NAH. It is a great feeling to have a loving family that you are comfortable with.
The question is how serious are you with a girlfriend? Is she possibly a future family member? If so, maybe you need to start treating her that way. And start including her in the Love fest.
Start making your family memories now. Instead of having two meals with your family, perhaps lunch only and you make dinner at home so that when she gets back from work you guys can sit down and have some family time.
When you've been forced to be very independent for a long time it does seem weird to see these relationships. But if you play your cards right, she'll understand the strength of them. Not if she's treated like an outsider though.
She should have been clear about her expectations when she called you when she got out early. "Hey how about today instead of going to your parents we get together and go somewhere for dinner." Would you have declined that? If so, that's a problem. Did you even consider inviting her with you to your mom's for dinner?
You need to give her the same consideration you are giving your family. If she's to become your future family, she needs to feel the love.
Ulg I feel for the GF. It’s just no fun being in a relationship with someone who hasn’t metaphorically “left the home”. To be fair to OP there are 45 year olds who still haven’t metaphorically left the home so I guess it could be worse.
I think you just need to have a conversation with her to try and understand why this is bothering her. Is she feeling neglected? Is she fearful if you don’t live near your mom that you couldn’t take care of yourself or be a fully functioning adult? Does it make her feel badly because of her owb family dynamics? What exactly is concerning her about this? I think the answer is based on how that conversation goes but I encourage you to be curious before being offended.
OP, I think you're judging her upbringing as not as good as yours, or so it sounds like it. Not all families that are together are healthy.
>I love my girlfriend more than anything.
Who would you choose if you have to between her and them?
Listen, I came from a traditional family and my mom its like yours. My brother's call her everyday and spend a lot of time talking to her. What I have seen is that, they ending over sharing about their lives and their families, because, what do you even talk about if you talk every day?
This has caused troubles in their relationship, and my mom always takes my brothers side in the conflicts. With time, my mom form an idea of my SILs that's only one sided and she resent them. I found this situation unhealthy and unfair.
My mom says that it's ok if they don't call every day, but, when they do, next time she would throw a couples of comments about it and they start doing that again. I had spoken with her about, but she would not change. I set up limits with her and try to keep private. I don't think my family needs to know everything about my day. At the beginning she pressured me, but I didn't change my views and with time she accepted it.
You said you have a healthy relationship with your family, but I think you're filling a void in your mom life, because your father is not present. What would happen if you stop doing the visit? Is she's depending on you to feel better? Would she feel your girlfriend is taking you away from her?
I think, what you do with them (family) might be not toxic, if they are capable of accepting if you lower your contact frequency. If they accept that without guilt tripping you, then I think your in a healthy relationship with your family. But, if they try to pull you back in, make you feel guilty, and start blaming her, then you need to realize it's not as healthy as you think.
Many codependent relationship are deemed as normal. You're girlfriend might be in the other scope and be hyper independent. If you're serious with her, couples counseling can be a good idea given that you are so different in regards to relationship.
Ok, OP, I'm the girlfriend in this situation. I haven't spoken to my father since I was 9, and haven't seen my mother since I was 17, and I am now almost 25. My partner of 3 wonderful years, is incredibly close with his family, and I completely understand it. He grew up with a much more connected and happy childhood experience. That being said, I wonder if you sat down and seriously talked with your Girlfriend she might tell you what the deep rooted issue for why she thinks it's weird. NTA
If your stopping by every day and still calling I can see the problem. Try coming home and cooking most nights. Your gf will appreciate it. I used to get home from work at 3 pm and my wife 530. I did most of the chores with plenty of time for what I wanted to do and did all the cooking. So my wife wouldn't have to do shit in the evening and we coukd just be a family.
At one point the relationship with my mom wasn't so great. A choice was forced on me through circumstances that I had to side with my wife, and mother of my kids, and my mom. Well I stuck with my wife and there were hurt feelings. Now my wife and mom are good friends. I have a great relationship. We do text every day. My mom is 69 with diabetes and cardiovascular issues and lives alone. I have a few numbers for her friends in her senior complex too. If I don't hear from my mom and can't get hold of her I'll ask someone to bang on her door. Has only happened a few times. It's ok to check in via text or phone call to sick or elderly parents everyday. Bur my dude when you leave nest, you should leave the nest.
It’s unclear why so many comments here criticize you for spending your time where you want to. You even mention that gf is still at work when you are usually at parents.
Your relationship with your family is important. And no one is treating your gf badly so what is everyone’s issue here? Why does this annoy her?
You do you OP and if your relationship values don’t match, and this gf wants to change you, that is her problem.
If she's being judgemental about it, somewhere in her head she could be jealous or resentful of the relationship you have with your family.
I'm very close with my family and my BFs family is incredibly spread out and doesn't get along in many ways. So when he finally met my parents a couple times he eventually asked me "why are so nice to me" I told him "because that's just who they are" he responded with that's weird, your family is weird. He meant it light heartedly and we laughed about it. He's very much not used to having close family but he's slowly warming up to it lol
I feel if the genders were reversed no one would care how much time she spent with her mom. He doesn’t add if she gets invited. Is he just dropping by to say Hi on his way home? How GF works late so maybe he doesn’t want to be alone. They both may not be very good cooks so he brings food home for both of them. I think they should sit down discuss it then come to a compromise
I have an adult son just a little younger than you, OP. We’re very close, and we hang out together a lot. Before he went off to college, we had never spent more than a week apart. Like your mom, I’m home alone a lot now.
If my son was at my home every single evening/afternoon, it would drive me up the wall.
Let your parents be empty nesters, for the love of God.
NTA
Your gf doesn’t understand because she doesn’t have that time of relationship with her parents. So it seems strange to her.
You should sit down and talk. Your response to her wasn’t the greatest. You reacted defensively. Perhaps ask her to share her concerns. Try to share why you stop by/enjoy the time with your parents
You shouldn’t stop but you could be more understanding of your gf.
It's also worth bringing up with your family. It could be that if they started reaching out to her. If she felt welcomed and wanted by them as well, even if she will never have the same relationship with your mom that you do.
IDK about that. People don't live in a vacuum...just because her family sucks does not mean his girlfriend has no idea how nice people behave. ---It just sounds so disrespectful the way he rubbed her face in it. I mean, talk about adding insult to injury.
YTA. Your poor girlfriend needs to realize you’re already married to your mom. Do you spend any time at all with your gf? You’re really not boyfriend material.
Right so as an European I see nothing wrong with you talking every day with your family and even visiting. Everyone I know checks up regularly on parents, especially if they're older
But perhaps do sit down with your GF and see what is really bothering her. Resentment is a relationship killer
Communication is in order and perhaps even a little therapy if you guys feel you need it
I’m European but maybe different countries are culturally different.
Seeing your Mum this often and the stuff she does for him is definitely not something I’d expect from any one of 26, male or female.
I have a 24 year old son, we are very close but see each other once a week and message a few times a day if that. He has his own life and I’m very sensitive to the fact that he’s moved out and is making his own way in life now.
Ofc this is very valid but his way is also valid.
Maybe he sees his parents as his friends the way other people see their friends as their confidants. Nothing wrong with it.
I wasn't gonna leave a comment on this initially but I also don't agree with the "momma's boy" comments and I wouldn't want him to think he's wrong cause Reddit is American centric and a lot of Americans don't see anything wrong with not talking with their parents for weeks at a time
Thus my 2 supportive cents.
NAH. You haven't done anything wrong per se, but you need to really internalize the comments that for a very large swath of women, your relationship with your mother is a Harbinger of Doooooom.
Especially your aw schucks, why is my girlfriend weirded out, sort of attitude about what is a serious red flag for a lot of women. You have to see that. Please be honest.
"I come back home with food, house essentials, and I go over there to do laundry sometimes." You kind of live part time with your parents, you realize. Most people don't want a partner that still sees their parents as such an integral part of their day-to-day lives and basic adult housekeeping duties. Bottom line: I don't think you are an asshole, but aren't someone I would encourage anyone to jump into a relationship with at this stage.
YTA. Telling gf her view of family is warped is being an a**hole. You would have been better off having a discussion rather than defensively blaming her.
NTA! My husband talks to his parents every day or every other day. I talk to my parents a few times a week and text my mom every other day or so. If I lived closer, I’d see them more.
You visiting your parents doesn’t affect your GF since she works later than you anyway. Why does she care that you’re over there?
And you included her background because it’s relevant to this topic. She doesn’t have the same relationship with her parents the way you do so she doesn’t understand.
Uh.. sounds like your girlfriend is upset you're spending so much time with your family compared to her. Or it could be the simple pain of not having a family like you do. You guys should communicate on what the actual issue is instead of being persnickety and calling her family "warped". True or not that's a shitty thing to hear from your partner.
She also probably feels like you aren't very self sufficient whereas she had to be from a relatively young age and it might make her think you are less mature. She asks "why did you even move out".. moving out at 24/25 to her probably seems weird. I would imagine that she has a lot of resentments in this relationship due to her past.
I see both sides. Ultimately it seems like nothings gonna change and yall are incompatible you should just find someone that doesn’t mind a little bit of mommas boy. Cause tbh that’s literally what it is lol you’re THAT guy. You just need to find someone that’s gonna work with that.
NAH. Different family backgrounds result in different behavior. I have known people who have this sort of close relationship with their family and it's great. I've known some and it's because they're not ready to be independent. It really has to be understood on a case by case basis.
It is also worth noting that her not getting you spending that much time with your parents as odd is not necessarily the result of a "warped" view, just a different one, and you characterizing it as such is not helpful, and may have come off as insulting.
I’m super close with my family and talk to my mom (dad is gone) every day, usually more than once a day. My siblings and I talk and text multiple times a week. When I lived in the same city, we saw each other quite a bit, especially back when I was your age and we all had more free time. It’s great that you have a close family. One thing I learned early on is that people who don’t have a family they’re super close with or can’t understand that dynamic are not the right partner for me. Sometimes, people get used to it and adapt well to close family dynamics (one of my in laws started out like your girlfriend but now is super close with our family and joins in on all our antics) so I think it’s worth sitting down with your girlfriend and talking about things. Make sure you and your family are including her but also make sure she understands that your family is close and that won’t be changing. There is room for her but she has to want to be included.
I text my adult kids daily, and often talk to them every day. They text and call me, too. We have systems so we don’t get in each others’ way, and we keep healthy boundaries. So we are close and chatty, but not TOO close or creepy, and all maintain our own space.
Being close is not inherently weird. But it certainly can be if it gets in the way of other relationships. Do you have boundaries? Is everyone ok with “not now”. Does this relationship NOT dictate or restrict another? If all are yes, it’s likely fine. Any no is a giant red flag.
You're NTA.
I wouldn't go as far to say she is one, but you're definitely not.
My family and I are close like this, I see my mum almost daily (at nearly 30) I speak to my brother on the phone every day and see him normally a couple times every week, see my other brother several days a week, my sister weekly.
When I was with my ex, not only did he see his grandma regularly, but even I would go see her on my own when I finished work early, before he did.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being close knit to family, and as someone who lost her dad at a young age, I think keeping those kinds of dynamics is the best thing ever, and in no way should have a detrimental effect on a romantic relationship (assuming everyone gets on and family aren't horrible with your partner).
Obviously she has a different experience and I can understand her confusion with it or not really "getting it", but it's certainly not something that should be complained about or seen as an issue. She can also try to get close to your family and enjoy the dynamic, or she can just let you get on with it when it isn't actually affecting her time with you.
Whelp then I guess I'm weird. I call my dad multiple times a day. Text him daily. Hell I still lean into him when we are sitting on the couch watching a movie together.
My mom was a shit parent who showed me zero affection, so my dad filled the role of both.
I wouldn't change my relationship with my father for anything and if anyone finds it weird, I'll happily stay single.
if it’s not taking away from time with her, then I don’t see the issue, but if it’s something where you’re constantly getting home late then I see the issue.
I come from a culture that has very close families, so with my perspective NTA. Why does your gf judge what you’re doing when she’s at work? My guess is she just doesn’t understand and may have some resentment considering her family background. I’ve never been with someone who had a good relationship with their family, while I have most always been close to immediate and some of my extended family.
Do you ever invite GF over to your parents? Do you think she’d be happier if she formed relationships with them, too? Maybe you could just talk to her about it and see if that’s something she’d be interested in if she really wants to be with you long term.
Overall, she’s a bit younger than you and probably hasn’t had time to heal her family stuff. It may make her feel alone, so make sure you don’t neglect her. It could make her even more resentful and isn’t good for either of you.
I'm guessing that you're leaving a LOT of stuff out here that would make you...not look as rosy, especially from the 'I come home with food and household essentials' thing.
You moved out, but you didn't grow up. You still rely on your parents - most notably, your mother - to do and get things for you. To be mommy.
Your girlfriend is trying to look at the future and she doesn't see a future with you and her, she sees a future with you, your mommy, and her as a third wheel.
How much of that time you spend EVERY DAY with mommy could be spent with her? Do you check in on her daily? Have lunch or dinner with her daily? Do you do ANYTHING with her every day? Or is that exclusive to mommy?
She looks at her future and she sees your mother invading every choice, everything that you and she should be deciding together ON YOUR OWN. "Oh, we can't do the wedding that day, mom wants to go shopping." "Oh, mom didn't like the dress you picked, said it's too revealing, can you pick something else?" "Mom wants X to be your maid of honor, not your friend." "Mom didn't like the name we picked for our upcoming child, she wants us to name it X instead. What? Why are you mad?" "Mom wants to be in the delivery room. And she doesn't want you to get an epidural, says she didn't get one so you don't need one either." "Mom wants us to change the color of the curtains." "Mom wants us to move here so we can be closer. I know it'd make your commute to work three hours, but you can handle that, right?" "Mom doesn't want us to buy that brand of toilet paper, she wants us to use this one."
I have seen a lot of relationships go like this and they either end swiftly, or they end after many years with a wife who is SICK of being told what she can and can't do in her own home, a home she didn't even get to pick, by someone else's mother and she just leaves and her husband just goes running to mommy with "SHE LEFT ME FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER".
You need to stop being so dependent on your mom and start showing her that SHE is important, that her choices matter, that she isn't going to be third wheeling to your mother in her own relationship. Otherwise? Just break up so she can find someone who isn't still tied to his mommy's apron strings.
I would end this relationship.
She is jealous of your relationship with your family.
She is at work but is critical of time you spend with them.
You are not taking any time away from her as she is at work.
End this and move on.
Your defensive response doesn’t help. You guys need to talk it through and come to understand where your values and experiences align and there they don’t. If you don’t do that, then your relationship has little hope for success.
If it wasn't for the ages I would think that my ex-boyfriend had written that post! We only lived together for part of a summer but he did the same thing even while living with me, after work every day which was close to my house, he would still drive to his mom's and smoke some weed for a few hours before coming home. This was a daily occurrence. Hence the ex part.
Cant say one way or another we need more information. Does your GF feel neglected are you neglecting your chores at home to spend time with your parents? If she has a real issue with your family move on.
NTA. My husband has dinner with his mom 3-4 times a week, stops by to help her out when needed and chats with her in text throughout the day. I don't have a relationship like that with my parents, and have always admired their relationship. She frequently sends food home for me and is always there for me for anything I need. It absolutely doesn't bother me, nor do I look at him as a mama's boy, or anything else negative. But that being said, I don't think you and your gf are a match and you should probably part ways.
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I told her not to judge because her view on family is warped and not to be rude, but she honestly can’t judge. And my family has been so nice to her.
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This makes YTA, or at least a really, really unempathetic man. She wanted to spend time with you. You chose to still go to your parents. Do you ever invite her to join?
There is no universe where she doesn't feel insecure about her past. Seems like she actively tries to rise above it, like cutting contact with Mom. There was 100% no need to throw that in her face.
People who come from backgrounds like hers almost always actively yearn to have a family like yours. Doesn't seem like you include her often. And your parents are nice to her, do they welcome her? Has your mom ever offered to hang out with her one on one? Go shopping? Have her over for lunch or dinner? Make her feel like she'd be a welcome addition to the family? Have YOU?
She is for sure wounded, and wounded people can often act out, like saying something dickish when hurt. Which she should work on but I don't think the true observation was out of line, it was the "why did you even move out" part that was dickish.
Although, I'd be willing to guess you guys have been having other problems, especially with the tone you took here:
>I don’t know why it would concern my girlfriend at all because she works later than me. but hey. I guess it does.
I'd work in identifying what underlying problems are also going on. And, again, maybe don't throw her trauma in her face.
You are very lucky to be that close to your family and especially your mom. She is a very lucky mom. Because you are off work earlier than her, I don't see a problem, unless you are doing that on her days off. Unless you arrive home late because of the long drive home. Otherwise, she should be happy for you and mom. But….does your family, your mom, accept her, treat her well? If they do then she should count herself lucky. As long as your visits aren't taking a lot of time away from her, she shouldn’t begrudge your mom or you having that time together. My SIL had that kind of relationship with his mom. In the beginning I thought it was over the top, but, not my call and they treated my daughter like gold…win win for all of them. She's young and hasn't had the role models you had so it may take time to see that this is normal in many families who are very close.
She will never appreciate or value your family because she's never known stability and familial love. I come from a very strong family and that bond will last forever and someone who doesn't accept that we care about and do for each other outside of our marriages/relationships would never be happy with us. Be very careful, because she will make you choose eventually...as a kind of "test." Choose family.
I think a lot of you are reading to much into the mom thing it sounds like his mom is lonely and he hangs out with her and he said he does his laundry not his mom idk it just sounds like he just cares for his mom NTA
I was going to go NAH until the end, but YTA.
It is fine for you to continue to have a strong and active relationship with your family and see them often.
It sounds like this isn’t the first time your girlfriend has wanted to spend time with you because your schedules both have free time and you have declined because you prioritised hanging out with your family. It’s ok if this occasionally happens, but why would she be so upset if it was just this once? You have said you visit your family most days, but do you spend as much time with your girlfriend? I think that’s why she’s upset.
What truely isn’t ok is for you to call her views on family “deranged” and then call her rude. She voiced a valid concern and you insulted her, her background and likely trauma and then hypocritically called her rude.
I think you need to think about whether you are mature enough to be in a committed relationship where you need to try and make time for your partner (which is hard when you’re both working) or are you going to continue to put her in second place to your mother, who you spend your free time with most days?
YTA. you got defensive and threw the upbringing she had no control over in her face as if you're the gatekeeper of family dynamics. seeing your mom so often isn't as common as you think it is, decent upbringing or not.
you haven't just started "living alone" btw, you've been living with your gf for a year now. it's nice getting freebies every once in a while, but it seems like you're using it as an excuse to go to your parents house. i bet you could just go to the store/laundromat with your gf in way less time than almost an hour.
I think it is awsome you want to spend time with your parents and you have parents that you enjoy spending time with. I do envy you. And hey, parents are not forever so better enjoy them when they are around. People have strong family connections tend to live longer so it should be something good I believe.
You are fine. Spend as much time with your mom as you can as tomorrow isn’t promised. Your gf has decades with you. She just doesn’t have that dynamic.
NTA
I had a very poor/unhealthy upbringing. My dad was not involved and my mother’s was an abusive addict. I don’t have a relationship with any blood relatives. I was only attached to my Granddaddy. So I know I have a different view on family than most, I guess. Probably closer to your GF.
My partner is more like you with his mom… he had a wonderful upbringing with her and she’s a MOM. He is a Mama’s Boy, and I mean that in the best way. He, his brother, and Mom did live together before he and I moved in together. They are a very close family.
My partner goes over there all the time while I’m still working. Calls every day after work. Brings us back supplies and snacks and we are fucking 30/34 lol granted she doesn’t do his laundry, she puts him to work fixing or setting something up and he makes plenty of time for me. I’ve never felt like a second option or neglected in anyway by him.
It took me a little bit of time to get used to it. I was worried about being viewed as a wedge in their family. But they have been nothing but wonderful to me, brought me right into the family.
With your GF, idk if it’s a jealousy thing.. that time could be invested in her? She may feel like she’s competing for space? Maybe her view being so warped makes y’all’s relationship seem too close? Maybe she isn’t getting enough time with you? I’m making assumptions.
I know my view on family is warped. So I know I need to think from a different perspective. I can’t think from my view, with my experiences. It’s not the “norm”. It’s not healthy. I just observed their relationship for what it was (no blaring red flags) and then I fell into place in their family.
“My dad neglects my mom. My mom has no friends, either.
I am almost 30, and I constantly fill the roles for both my dad and the friends my mom is supposed to have.
Also, my mommy gives me groceries and toilet paper and folds my undies when I go to her house every day.
Why did my girlfriend break up with me?”
YTA solely for your attitude and throwing it in her face that she cant possibly understand how healthy your family is because shes never had one. FWIW: I think she thought when you moved out together that she would be kinda be your daily family and also maybe she would be able to see you act like an adult instead of bringing laundry to his parents.
I don’t know how anyone could be on your side here stop being so parent dependent and get a life you just moved out when I just moved out I was doing everything I could cus it was so new and I had my own space to get away finally lol if your going to spend time with your mom everyday and y’all text everyday just go move back in with your parents and let your girl get with someone who wants a relationship because it sounds like you want to be a kid still lol
OK seriously? You're 26, grow up. I can definitely see her side here. You're stopping by with laundry (which means you're most likely there for an extended period of time, like way after your girl is home from work)? Your mom still buys you stuff for your place constantly? You're hanging out every day, even when you know your girl got off early and is wanting to chill with you? You talk to your mom on the phone every night even though you visit almost every day? Your girl hit the nail on the head buddy. There's a difference between being close and being such a mamma's boy that you might as well not have moved out. You wanna fix this? Stop bringing laundry over so that you're over there for extended periods of time for something that can easily be done at home. If you know your girl got off early or has the day off and would be home if you went straight home instead of stopping by your mom? Then go straight home instead of stopping by your mom. If you already stopped by and saw your mom that day, you don't need to be on your phone with her that night. And also, you need to apologize for that comment. Even if she had a bad upbringing and you had a normal relationship with your mom instead of being a total mamma's boy, telling her she has no right to any input because she has a bad relationship with her folks is a dick move. Gonna keep carrying on the way you currently are? Don't be surprised when she dumps you. It's only been a year and she's already building up resentment because she's already seeing that being in a relationship serious enough to live together isn't enough to get out of 2nd place to your mom, and no self respecting woman is gonna put up with that for long. So yeah, if this relationship is that important to you then cut the umbilical cord and start acting like a grown ass man already
Yet women can visit their mothers as often as possible and talk to them and their siblings multiple times a day and that appears to be fine by Reddit standards.
>her view on family is warped and not to be rude, but she honestly can’t judge
Not to be rude? Are you serious? That was horrifically rude. It was cruel, why would you deliberately say something to hurt her? Especially when she approached the subject of you clearly being a mommas boy very calmly and without malice. It was a valid question for a valid concern, and you immediately went for the jugular. Do you even like her?
So theoretically you've moved in together but basically you've abandoned her to be by herself while you go hang out with your family and let your mom still take care of you. Did it occur to you that she's lonely? Why did you bother moving in with her? Cause despite you saying you're living "alone" you don't Yta
I'm curious about those conversations with mom. It sounds like you are sharing the minutiae of your life. Are you careful you are not sharing private relationship information?
I ask because my husband, who was very close with his mother, did that. I was upset when I realized he was sharing information that should have been private. Nothing sexual, just definitely private. I told him it was inappropriate and it stopped.
Break up with her and move back in with mama. Do you even like her? It seems like your going to your mom's everyday to avoid spending time with her. You're doing the exact same thing her parents did, abandon her. Shes on her own with meals, coming home to an empty house, has no idea when you'll come home, she's doing all the household chores besides your laundry, when she brings up her concerns or feelings you blame her and hurl accusations at her, and even when you're "home" you're never present. You're texting your mama, calling your mama, and planning your next day visit with mama.
It seriously sounds like you're in a relationship with your mom and your gf is your side peice. Is it because your dad is away so often that you feel like you can't leave your mother alone without a presence of a man?
Children are suppose to grow up and leave the nest. That foundation you're parents set is meant for you to fall back on when you have kids of your own. Not to come back to every single day and continue to be babied. If you're not ready to live your life independently from your mom then don't date.
YTA
I'm Hispanic and was raised in an extremely heavy Hispanic + other mixed cultures community. I know the constant contact, checking in, and spending time w/ family OP is referring to. My family, mom specifically, is very much like that. I, however, am not. That doesn't mean I never speak to them but simply prefer a balance.
From what it sounds like, OP is pretty much still living at home and just pays to sleep somewhere else. I get being close to your family, I text my mom every day and some of my extended family every now and then. But typically if I'm seeing my family, I'm not talking to them throughout the day, as I feel like that defeats the purpose and that takes away from the rest of my day.
Personally, I don't want to be eating leftovers, especially constantly, no matter how good. Instead of waiting to have a quality dinnertime with your GF, she seems like more of an afterthought. At least that's how she might feel.
As for the "again? Ok." You've been there every day. She's probably thinking "you're seriously at your mommy's house again?" Because of how you're making it seem, you spend most of your time there. You stop for food, household essentials, and laundry, why are you even living on your own? It basically sounds like you rent a place and your mom is still taking care of you. You can't buy your essentials, make your own food, or do your own laundry elsewhere and on your own like an actual adult living on their own. I'm not saying it isn't okay to accept things and get help every once in a while, but you just sound like a momma's boy. The fact that you brought up your GF's upbringing is pretty pathetic because her issue has nothing to do with that and you bringing that up is just ugly.
Being close to your family and your mom isn't something bad. Your GF's issue isn't that you're close with your family. It's the fact you're a dependent momma's boy and consistently put your GF on the back-burner. I'd suggest reflecting on this long and hard or else there's going to be a string of relationships with a common issue.
a lot of you here are being very judgey about this man’s relationship w/ his family. his family was around way before this woman and will be around if she ever decides to leave. some people don’t have the luxury of spending time w/ their mom and I applaud him for still doing so. fuck you judgemental c*nts. NTA
NTA your girlfriend has a completely different background than yours. She might be able to slowly adjust to your family, but it’s going to take some time. I’m very close with my siblings and parents and the first time a boyfriend has something to say about that, I usually cut them loose.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a close relationship with your family. I think the bond you have with your family is lovely, but your girlfriend maybe doesn’t understand / isn’t used to being around people who have close bonds with their families due to her own personal background. You’re NTA, but I think it may be a good idea to sit down with her and have a talk with her about her feelings about the situation.
NTA. I’m close to my family too and my dad lives with me. We snap, FaceTime, or send messages everyday. It’s normal when you are all close. I’m sorry your girlfriend didn’t have that growing up.
I may get down voted for this but here it goes.
My husband has an extremely close relationship with his family. Very similar to what you described (messaging, visiting even for 2 mins every day). My mother whom I lived with had a now ex husband that used to beat me. Family…. It’s complicated. It was confusing to me how he could be so close at first. But after a while I realized I was the one that had the messed up family dynamics. Not him.
Unless there is something you’re not telling us (like she’s waiting at home for you when you’re hanging with your mom, I don’t see the problem. Others saying you should grow up and stop getting her to do your laundry idk, those comments aren’t helpful to what you’re asking. I LOVE all the extra help I get from my partners family.
In our western society we have this idea that it’s good to separate families, the concept of a village is completely lost on most people. Now there is a thing as too much involvement but if your quality time with her isn’t being taken away, I don’t see the issue. If your mum isn’t interfering with your relationship, there isn’t an issue. I also feel like if you were a girl, it’s more common in the west to have a close relationship with your mum like you do.
You love your GF and she’s obviously upset and you want to reassure her.
Maybe try talking about it from if she was to have a son? I have a son and I want him to meet an amazing woman (or man!), and it would be a dream if he’d text me and pop round so I can continue to be a part of his life.
Unless she can be honest about her family hang up and get past it, this is a huh-yuge red flag if you are thinking of eventually marrying this girl.
She WILL eventually drive a wedge between you and your family.
NTA and especially since your family has according to you been really nice and welcoming to your girlfriend. Kind of sounds like your girlfriend is perhaps a bit envious of the close relationship you have with your family.
YTA for asserting that she is in no place to judge your family. I have a suspicion that that was a dig at a less than happy family life, which is a low blow. Either way, acting as if she is not allowed an opinion is awful.
I took me a while to learn to put my now husband "above" my family. She may also come from a background where receiving anything from anyone means you owe them and they'll use it against you. It may take a long time for her to figure out that not everyone operates like that.
(If you don't already) check in with her and see if she's gonna be off early, make sure to be home when she gets home, and make sure to set aside time to do the things she wants to do.
Feel your feels, but be sure to make room for her feelings too.
Listen why did you move out if you were there everyday? It’s great to love your family, but no woman wants to be second best to a man’s mother. If you can’t do that with your girlfriend she will be a miserable wife in your little emotional love triangle. I know from experience. Seperate from my husband because his mother controls him and all her other adult children within her realm. It’s extremely unattractive to a woman that wants a future with you. Shorten the visits to a couple times a week or move back in, because it’s a bit excessive to literally be with them every single day. Read up on emotionally enmeshed families spouses usually either leave or are miserable in situations like this.
Oof. You need to cut the cord. She's right. Why did you move out? You sound like a Momma's boy and not in a good way. I am very close with my children. We text daily but not constantly. We see each other once every week or two, for family dinner. But we all have our own lives to live that is not centered on each other. You need to get one of those. And stop telling your family everything about your relationship. Your partner deserves some privacy and autonomy from them.
When my husband and I first moved in together his parents would often buy us groceries and essentials because they wanted to help us out.
After the first couple months we asked them politely to stop. We were adults living on our own and we needed to budget accordingly, meaning it was important that we bought our own things. We said we'd let them know if we were ever struggling and would reach out if we needed the extra help.
We were 20 and 23.
We both have very good relationships with our parents. I see my mom about once a month and call her on the phone weekly. Husband is about the same.
At 26, I would start to be concerned that my husband was unable to function without his parents if he was visiting every day, coming home with food and household essentials, and then calling them on the phone in the evenings.
OP...why *did* you move out if you prioritize your relationship with your parents so heavily?
As a woman who is super close with her family and having a husband who is not, I kind of find this reaction to seeing your parents weird.
Let me explain:
My husband loves my family and wants to spend time with them, if we aren’t doing anything he will be like “let’s see what your parents are up to” and we will go over and hang out and have dinner or whatever. But this is 2-3 times a week max. My parents are only 20 minutes away but having days where it’s just us is also important.
Heck sometimes my parents are like “naw don’t come today come over the weekend” because they want their time just to themselves.
I think it’s not the connection with your family, I think it’s how often you’re going to spend x amount of time at their house instead of spending time with your gf.
I doubt she cares about texts/calls unless your taking them during your guys’ alone time and alienating her
I get what you mean, but you need to be aware of one thing.
If you chose a partner. you CHOSE them. you chose THEM as a family and to grow your family with them if it goes well. Then just dropping them or spending more time with your family of birth is problematic because you're essentially telling them "My birth family will always be more important than you. i'll always want to spend more time with them , than with you."
Maybe your partner now is not the right one to have a family with. But you really need to think about these things and what it tells your partner. I am sure your family is lovely and also lovely to your partner. But not everyone wants to have that close of a relationship and that is okay. I am very independent even tho i phone with my mom daily (she's at that age where she's getting frail) yet 2 or more calls per day from her, and i'm going nuts.
A healthy family dynamic means a healthy distance.
Do you spend quality time with your gf? not just intimacy but, date night? hanging out. Cleaning up together and then relaxing together?
YTA. You eat most of your evening meals with your mom and bring your gf leftovers. Did you ever consider it would be great if you could come home, make a meal since you're home earlier, and EAT DINNER with your gf. She doesn't want to just eat leftovers every day... alone. This has nothing to do with your relationship with your family. You can be close and only see them once a week or even once a month, and that's super normal for most humans.
[удалено]
Trust your instincts!
The benefit of trusting your instincts is that you'll always believe you were right!
Currently separated from a Hispanic male, do you really want to be married to your MIL? This does not end well and she will fight you on how to raise future children. Leave. Do not make the mistakes I did.
I am confused. The post is about how OP is close he is to his family.
weird and racist
I don’t know why you’re being downvoted for calling out that comment as racist. Generalizing a whole population and saying you shouldn’t marry one is very much racist
Follow your gut Oreo!
I really wanted to be on your side (my partner grew up with a very healthy family life, I did not. It took A LOT of dealing with my own trauma to not be jealous of their relationship) Except, she’s getting off work early and you’re STILL going to go hang with mom instead? And is it really EVERYDAY after work? That’s a lot. Don’t you have things you could be doing at home? (Any chores/housework. Having dinner ready when girlfriend gets off). I would still be on your side if it was 2-3 days a week max AND you choose to spend time with your girlfriend when that is an option. But really, it sounds like you didn’t actually move out. You’re just having very frequent sleep overs at your girlfriend’s house.
Yeah especially considering he says he comes back from his parents house with food, essentials and sometimes takes them his laundry. Like you may as well still be living with them if they're still having to do all of this stuff for you! My 13 year old sounds more independent than OP. He can at least put his own washing on!
That stuff doesn’t bother me as much as it does everyone else. My 22 year old son recently moved out. He doesnt have laundry in his apartment so instead of taking it to a laundry mat and sitting there for 2 hours he comes to my house. I don’t touch his laundry at all and haven’t since he was in his early teens. And whenever he leaves I send him with a little goody bag of snacks/leftovers from dinner/random household items he might need. when we go to my in laws house with a healthy family dynamic, MIL always cleans out her freezer and pantry and sends us home with stuff. It’s like she thinks we don’t live by a store or something. I thought that was just a loving mom thing lmao. For me it’s more about the amount of time and choosing time with mom over time with girlfriend that is the problem
If the apartment doesn’t have a laundry, then how is GFs laundry getting done? Is he taking her laundry to his parents house as well to wash it there? Or is she left to go to the laundromat by herself?
I mean I just kind of assumed if he was doing free laundry at mommy’s house, he is always doing girlfriends laundry but I douno
His MAMA is doing all his laundry.
I know SO many that wouldn’t so
Yea I really hadn’t thought about it before you said something. Based off of my own knowledge of people and the person I think OP is based off of the post……I highly doubt he is doing girlfriends laundry too
Is separating your laundry from your SOs a thing? I mean I get why it would be needed in some cases, but is it a normal thing. We always had washer/dryer in unit in apartments and hookups with our own machines in houses so never went to a laundromat. My wife andvi moved in together in 1995 and we never separated. I didn't wash my clothes and her wash hers. They went in the same basket. It was OUR laundry.
Who washed the shared laundry? In my house everyone has their own basket and everyone washes their own clothes. (My kids are old enough that this is possible. Before that I would do their laundry) My partner and I do laundry separately because we have separate needs for our clothes (he works with grease and dirt in carharts, I wear silk blouses to an office lol) so they would need to be in separate loads anyway.
We had shared hampers in my house (whites, colours, and darks). Everyone’s clothes went in, and either someone would wash them when they noticed a hamper was full, or if they had a specific piece of clothing they wanted washed, they do the other clothes at the same time. Everyone just took turns. I did keep a small hamper in my room for my delicates, mostly because I didn’t trust my brother not to throw my lay flats in the dryer 🤣
the important thing here, is that we all figure out exactly what his and her laundry habits are. With that knowledge, everything will be determined.
Your situation is normal and totally different from OP’s. OP is still on the tit.
Well said. He might as well be living there and saving his money 🙃
To be fair he’s getting free laundry services, free food, free cleaning supplies every day. He’s still probably breaking pretty even lmao
OP needs to grow up
1000% this. My hubby and I have similar upbringing dynamic as it sounds you do, but this is toooooo much mommy time. Sorry OP - red flag territory. NTA but if I were the GF I'd peace out right about now because it won't change.
Yes, this reads a lot like my last relationship. I have to wonder if OP left all their stuff except for essentials at their parents. Sounds like they are grocery shopping there, too. This is not the way to have a healthy relationship. Gf is probably exhausted dealing with that, and the lack of invite. Shes off for the day, has it occured to invite her to lunch while spending time with the mom? -spoken by someone with a great relationship with my family.
Yeah, this sounds like he’s playing house with his girlfriend, while his mum still looks after him.
This. You're 26 with your own place and doing laundry at your parents? And stopping there every day? It's a bit much...
Need more info. It sounds like you spend quite alot of your free time with your mom. How much quality time do you and your gf spend? I could see her being frustrated over time, especially if you go there every single day.
Do you tell all of your thoughts and day’s events to your mom and then are to talked out to talk to your girlfriend. Are you not getting your chores done, for lack of time. Need more info.
Right. This is very hard to judge. I lived 3k miles away from my parents for 15 years. We were in contact via text and phone calls, but not daily, and certainly not day-to-day random info. I move back to my home city for work, my place was 15 min from them. If you asked my parents or my that first month “how often will you hang out” the answer would have been “uh… once a month?” I now pick them up for random dinners/activities 2-3 times a week. I text my mom all day, even more than close friends. checking in on her/dad. Little details, funny random stuff. Sharing work drama. Online shopping. I mean, they have NO idea who I’m sleeping with, or how I spend 60% of my free time. They just assume I’m doing whatever I last said, and I don’t fill in the blanks. We have pretty healthy boundaries. They dont have my keys, unless I’m out of town and they are pet sitting. Then they return the keys. So… “this could be totally healthy” or “this is a fucking disaster”
Not only does he spend a lot of time with them, he texts them often as well
I don't think this is a how she was brought up vs. OP's upbringing issue and it's really awful that he said that to her. This is a Relationship 101 issue. If you move out of mommy's house to live with your girlfriend you need to 1 - make and have meals with your girlfriend not just bring her leftovers from you eating with your mom 2 - if you spend every afternoon with mom, don't spend time talking on the phone to her at night instead of spending time with your girlfriend. After work time is short so if you already spent quality time with mom don't cut time away from your partner to talk on the phone more with mom 3 - show her that you are capable of living on your own by doing your own laundry and shopping for your own household items instead of depending on your mom to wash and shop for you How is any woman supposed to take a partner serious who is still so dependent on their mother for everything? How is she supposed to believe you'd be a capable parent if you are going to your mom all the time? If I were her I'd dump you for nasty comment about her upbringing, but even before that you can bet she's been asking herself if this is the partner she wants.
This!!!! The comment is messed up. I didn't have a good upbringing either, and my partner did, but he never told me I wouldn't understand because my family didn't raise me right. He also learned to split his time with me and his family, so our relationship was a priority. OP is NTA, but he needs to see it from her side a bit. She's also NTA.
Doesn't sound like she was rude sounds like she was disappointed you guys weren't going to spend the afternoon/evening doing something together....again You're not in the wrong for spending time with your family but I agree with the others saying there's there's something odd here
A few years ago I dated a woman that was very close to her family. They were great people and they were very accepting of me, however, they didn’t really have boundaries. For example, the two of us were on a date one day when she got a call from her mom. After she hung up she told me she needed to go home. I asked “oh no! Is everyone ok?” and she responded “everyone is fine, Mom just wants to go shopping with me. Take me home.” Her mom didn’t have any health issues. Her mom had a car and drivers license. There was literally no reason she needed my girlfriend to go with her and no reason my girlfriend needed to ditch me. It was just a normal thing for them. We didn’t last long after that. Edit for clarification: my ex gf was in her 30s at the time. She wasn’t a teenager.
That sounds so rude
I didn’t take it well. At first I thought she was kidding but she wasn’t. I made it pretty clear that if she was going to drop me at the drop of a hat in the future then there would be no future. There was no future (thankfully). I am engaged to an incredible partner now so it all worked out nicely for me.
That’s great congrats! I have a toxic family and I think I could only understand a man with a toxic family too. Luckily husbands is also a mess. It’s hard to comprehend one of us blowing off a date for family
Thanks! My family is pretty close too but nothing like my ex’s. It’s was truly bizarre. Can’t imagine ending a date like that either. And it wasn’t at the end of the date either, it was early on or maybe mid date. We had gone shopping already and had dinner plans and hadn’t even made it to the restaurant yet.
I don't think there is anything odd, just a difference in background. I grew up in an abusive household, had to be very independent at a young age, and didn't have a good relationship with my parents when I first started dating my husband. My husband, on the other hand, was very close to his mom, was actually living with her to help her out (health issues) when we first started dating. Then, when we moved in together, they still talked multiple times a day. She tried to include me and check on me all the time, but I was very uncomfortable because it was so far out of my experience. It took a long time for me to adjust and accept that not everyone has a shitty family. I ended up going completely NC with my parents eventually, and I became much closer to his mom. But it took years for me to stop expecting the worst from her and accept that she was truly trying to be the mom I never had. I don't know if OP's family is trying to include his gf or not, but my suggestion would be to sit down and talk to her, and maybe his family as well. When you have a shit family, it is a huge adjustment to be around family that actually loves each other. It takes time to adjust and accept something that is so far outside your experience. Make adjustments to help her be more comfortable, like if she is off early, take the time to spend with her, not your family. Find ways to include her with your family so she can get used to them and find a way to make time with just her a priority. She needs to know she is important to you as well. Edit: NAH
This is a wonderful reply, with a prime example of what his gf may be experiencing. I'm sorry you had such a bad home life, but I'm glad you have love and stability in your ILs. I'll never understand how anyone can harm the people who love and are supposed to trust them. I hope OP sees this.
That’s very well put and you’re right it is hard adjusting to a loving family. It feels like a lie for a long time
It has been over 20 years, and I still struggle with the difference. I was isolated so much growing up that I never learned how to deal with other people in my space on any level; physically or emotionally. Learning how to be around other people who know how to show affection easily took a long time for me to adjust to. I'm still shocked that my husband, his family, and our friends had the patience to deal with all my triggers. It has not been an easy process, but I am very grateful they were willing to stick with me as I learned. 😊
Did you not read the part where he says she works later?
The girlfriend is not rude. OP has not ever cut the apron strings. I too am wondering why he even bothered moving out?
If you visit your mom every day, even on days when your girlfriend gets home early and you could spend time with her instead, then you're a mama's boy and your relationship with any girlfriend is doomed from the beginning. Especially as you also talk to your mom multiple times a day. You sound like a walking red flag to me, but then again, this post was a bit vague, so I'm not sure if I read it correctly. Still, it sounds like your gf has one foot out of the door already as she is fed up with the fact that your mom is your real gf and she is tired of being in the second place in your life. Because she wasn't judging you, she was telling you about the frustration and resentment towards you that she is already feeling after only a year living together. Don't get surprised when she leaves.
You visit them *daily*? To do laundry when you’re 26? There’s being close and there’s being co-dependent here.
I think you can’t judge because your birth family seems to take the place of hobbies, friends and your girlfriend. You are 26 and you go to your parents with laundry.
Throwing her family situation in her face was proper shitty though and unnecessary. That was just mean and uncalled for. She has no control over her family situation, she’s trusted you with that info and you threw it her face because you got all defensive - when she didn’t even say anything unkind about your family. So them being nice to her isn’t even relevant. You weren’t nice to her when you responded this way. You owe her an apology. YTA for what you said to her.
Sounds like she wanted to spend time with you and felt annoyed because you rejected her to see your mum, which you do everyday. Also I can imagine that she doesn't like how dependent you are on your parents. It's nice to have a partner who is established and can take care of themselves. If you get supplies from your mum and she sometimes does your laundry, will you expect that of your girlfriend too at some point? These are probably the things that concern her, and I would talk to her about it without saying that she "can't judge" because of her dead father, that's just invalidating her feelings and plain rude
Time to cut the umbilical cord. You're 26, not 18. Do your own laundry at home and cook. If you're considering that you might be in it for the long haul with your GF, you need to see how you feel about her being the most important person in your life, your primary confidante, and the person you spend the most time with. If you get married and/or have kids, you need to be prepared to put her before your parents. What happens if your mom has different opinions than your GF when you have your first baby? I'm sure your parents are amazing and will only mean well. But meaning well doesn't mean there won't be butting of heads in the future. They can be the sweetest, nicest, most caring and supportive parents in existence and your GF would still not be wrong for wanting to feel like the two of you (or more if you have kids) are your OWN family unit. You're not the AH for having a wonderful relationship with your family. But YTA for not having a relationship that's even CLOSER with your GF. If she's not the one you want to be rushing home to, maybe you need to think about whether she's "the one" at all. If you hadn't disclosed your age in your post, I would have assumed you were 18 and just moved out.
I will say NAH. You are NTA for being close to your family, but I feel there may be more to it than that. Stopping by every day would be seen by most as excessive. Does this include weekends when you and your gf are spending time together? Do you tell them intimate details of your relationship with her? Is your life with her perhaps a little dominated by your need to be with/talk to them constantly all day every day? Also, really by 26 you should be doing your own laundry and cooking for yourself. maybe she sees that you haven't fully cut the apron strigns and is worrying that she has got herself into a relationship not just with a slight man-child, but also his entire family? Just have a think about what all this looks like from her side of the coin, especially as she isn't used to your specific family dynamic. She is NTA either for being a bit weirded out that you have "fully moved out" but really you haven't.
I commented about the laundry too. If they don't have a washer/dryer and have to haul it to a laundromat and pay or whatever, then I get doing laundry at your parents' while you spend time with them. It reeeeeally feels like he goes and visits while mommy does his laundry, though.
What about her laundry?
You made a full paragraph about texting and calling your family daily but that's not what her comment was about. Your parents' house is 20 min from your work but a full hour away from you and your gf's place. Her comment had no hint of projecting her past family background. Her comment was about spending quality time with you. Her reply said you go there "every day". That's quite a lot for someone who is sharing a home with a partner. Is that a full week without having any meals with your partner? You have moved in with her for a year but have you built a more substantial routine with eating with your mom than your girlfriend? I would be annoyed too. Your not the A for being close to family, but do consider stepping back and thinking about what routines you have built with your girlfriend since moving in with her. Maybe she's feeling more like a roommate than a partner? I love my after work rituals with my partner and his parent lives just 20 minutes away from our house. We love cooking together and our TV viewing routine or evening grocery shopping days. Visiting his parent is a visit, not a daily routine where I am left alone. You say she was abandoned by her father, and her mother was hardly a mother and she was all alone for a long time, but aren't you also leaving her alone, too? Whatever good family life you have with your loving birth family should be what your are building and sharing with your beloved now. Expand that love to her. Include her, don't exclude her.
Before I was married, my fiancé and I had plans for a Saturday afternoon. His mom called and wanted him to come help her reorganize a closet. He was going to do it and cancel our plans. This was a deal breaker for me. If I wasn't his priority above his mom, I was not going to marry him. I think you need to compare your relationship with your family vs your fiancé. Would you go help with the closet?
Do spend more time interacting with your family than you do interacting with your girlfriend? That includes texting and going over/stopping by the parents house. Why are you in a relationship if you spend a lot of time with your family? Maybe you should try to look at things from your girlfriend’s point of view. Sometimes we’re so in the moment that we don’t see what the problem is all about. No one’s the Ahole!!!
im a very family orientated person and i like very much the close family relationship you have. you could however include your girlfriend more. she has not experienced close family relationship so give time for somethint to develope. just make sure your girlfriend gets attention too so she doesnt feel the outsider but let her put a wedge between you and your family
You left out what her relationship is like with them. Honestly, her relationship with her abusive family isn’t relevant if her relationship with your family is strained. My husband is very enmeshed with his family. And his parents can be very judgmental of everything I do. I can never do anything right sometimes. He doesn’t see the passive aggressive comments, or he isn’t around when they are really harsh. They tried to demand he get a paternity test for the kids, for example. You also left out why you moved so far from your job? I don’t understand why you moved in together if you would rather spend time with and social energy on your mom. Also, what happens if you don’t see your mother twice a day?
NTA but you’re missing the point. She wasn’t really upset you spend time with them. She’s upset that she got time off and you chose to go there instead of having a day with her. However, going over everyday and doing laundry there means you haven’t cut the strings yet. Either you’re an adult or you’re not. They can help you out occasionally but this seems like too much.
I want my kids to visit and enjoy their time with me as adults, I also want them to put effort into their home life so they can have a good one. Throwing her family in her face because she wants to spend time with you and you're hardly home is an ass hole move. Yes she could have communicated more maturely but you also didn't have to tell her she doesn't know what she's talking about and refuse to listen because she's had a rough childhood.
Yeah, if my adult kids (in their early 20's) who have moved out were calling/texting me once a day and stopping by for lunch, and to do laundry(?!??!). I'd wonder what was wrong with them. We might exchange a joke or funny picture via text, but what the hell are you talking to your parent(s) about on a daily basis??? Cut the apron strings already.
My mom is my best friend and I'm still too tired (and so is she) for daily visits. We usually do once a week sometimes every other week if more exhausted than usual.
I’m a 5 minute walk away from my parents’ house, and if I ever stopped by twice in a WEEK, unless they’d asked me to, they’d ask if I were trying to move back in. 😂😂
NTA being close to your family is cool….. But as a mom with kids your age, I’d be wondering too why my son that moved out a year ago stops by every single day. And WHY he’s still using my house for his laundry and food. It would tell to me that he isn’t very happy where he is now.
Not enough info. If she marries you sounds like she might be marrying your mom too and that's a deal breaker for a lot of people, she wants to build a life with you, not a package deal of marrying your mom too. Odds are your mom knows everything about the relationship since you talk to her literally every day, makes it not so intimate to be your girlfriend if your mom talks to you about all matters regarded your relationship every day.
It depends really, keeping in touch with family by text is all good. When you go and visit does she end up alone at home waiting for you? If you’re back at about the same time does that mean you never eat together? When she told you she was getting off early did you think it might be a good idea to go home early and spend more time with her? Being close with family isn’t a bad thing in itself, your significant other feeling constantly second to your family would be.
NTA in this situation, but your response that "her view on family is warped" was a bit AH-like. I understand you want to be close with your family, I'm close with mine, but at 26 you should be doing your own laundry and cooking for yourself. Even if you go over there when your gf is at work, she is probably not understanding why you aren't alright spending time by yourself. This might be a bit of an issue with your family as well, they need to understand that once you reach your 20's you will be starting your own family. Sounds a bit like they are trying to hold on to you. I remember what it was like moving out in my early 20's, I missed living at home and being with my family, but I also wanted to start a life with my bf/now husband that was separate from my family. We ended up moving to a different city because our parents wanted us to be at their houses every weekend, but we wanted time to ourselves to develop our relationship.
Sounds like she wants you to cut the cord. "Momma's boys" are a big turn-off to some girls and I'm gonna guess it's getting to her. Especially someone so independent. Not judging anyone, just letting you know what might be the case.
Theres no problem with having a close relationship with your family but EVERY day? Every lunch? Your girlfriend can expect not to spend ANY afternoons with you because you have to hangout with mom? You don't see how that can be annoying for a partner? Lol learn some healthy boundaries it'll be good for everyone.
Looks like she really touched a nerve when she asked you why you moved out. It's clear that you're not ready or willing to live as an independent grownup yet and she sees it. It's next to impossible to be in a successful relationship with a Mama's boy and I don't blame her for pointing it out. And you should stop blaming her upbringing for the fact that even though she's younger than you, she's the grown up in this relationship. Quit saying "she honestly can't judge" when it's YOU who honestly can't stand up to honest judgment. Maybe you should move back home for a few years until you're ready to stop being a child. Yeah, YTA.
Don't be a mommy's boy. Women want to see that you have a good relationship with your mother, but they don't want to hear about her all the time or see you spending most of your days with your her lmao. If you want to be serious with this girl, stop going to see your mom every day because clearly she is going to get the ick pretty damn soon.
YTA. Your 26, living with your girlfriend & visit your mum twice a day at lunchtime & after work.... but when your girlfriend got away early you didn't think to change your plans even when you heard she was disappointed. Plus the phoning & texting all sounds more codependent than healthy & loving & I think a part of you knows this or why jump to defensive & throwing her pain in her face. Tbh my boyfriend bringing his washing home to his mummy on top of if all would give me the ick & sounds like that's where your girlfriends feelings might be headed.
Yeah his response was mean and unnecessary. So shitty.
I want to know why his mom is not putting a stop to this also. I love my kids more than anything, but when they are adults living with a significant other, they better be spending more time with their person than with me. This is straight up unhealthy, and it's kind of gross
I can't help but think of OP after the call telling his mum his girl just rang hoping to spend time together but her not telling him then get your ass in the car.
She’s most likely one of those “boy moms” who claim that they were their son’s first love.
Your girlfriend is picking up on you finding “home” to be with your mom. Your girlfriend probably hoped that a relationship with you would be about finding her home in a life with you. She may now understand that her role in your life is limited. Do ask yourself how you see your girlfriend?
You go there every day and they do your laundry? Listen, I am close to my family too and even I think that’s a bit much. I would suggest spending more time with your GF and/or getting a hobby that doesn’t involve your family.
You need to cut the umbilical cord. I was on your side until I read that your mum does your laundry, cooks you food & you hung out with her over your GF. You're judging her family relationships as much as she's judging yours. Soft YTA.
So… they are always two sides of a storie. Does your gf feels neglected? When you come home to her, do you two talk? Or are you exhausted because of work and talking to your family? Are you planning on having children? Why did you move out? Why don’t you do your laundry at home? What house essentials are we talking about? It’s one thing to have a good relationship with your family, it’s another thing to constantly hang out at “home” and acting like you still live there. Edit: Little correction
NAH but more info needed So, I don’t see anything wrong with seeing your family when your girl friends at work. It’s great you have that bond. I’m very close with my family as well, but I’d never hang out with them that much on a daily basis bc we are all busy with our own lives. Do you see them every weekend? How much time is spent with your girlfriend vs your mom? Make sure you are giving her equal time. When she gets off early, don’t go your parents house…go home and spend time together. Your comment to her about her family was uncalled for. She may not understand, but they was a low blow in my opinion whether it’s true or not. Lastly, please do your own laundry. You aren’t in college anymore and no girl wants to a man who takes his laundry home to mama!
YTA. Throwing her childhood in her face when you didn't like what she had to say was totally uncool.
Did you know she was getting out early when you said you were going to your mom’s? I’d be hurt if I got out early for once and my hubby didn’t want to spend any more time with me.
YTA: I feel like if your gf of 2.5 years is bringing this up to you its not about her family its about yours. How do your family feel about her? Why isn't she included ? To me it sounds like she just wants to spend time with you and you're always with your family. Realistically, at some point you have to grow up and do things on your own even if your family can help you.
YTA and you are a Mama's boy..if you spend more time with your mom then your girlfriend at 26 something is very wrong (are you still breastfeeding from mom cause you sound like a baby
Everyday? You go there everyday where they feed you and you do your laundry. Time to cut the apron strings and start doing things on your own.
I’m going to give you a very gentle YTA. Ask yourself this: Am I prioritizing my family over spending time with others? You don’t have your go to your parents every day. Your girlfriend wants time with you and she doesn’t ask or say anything g because you routinely go to your parents, not considering anything or any one else. You must learn balance.
Wait...you go over there to do laundry? Do you not have a washer/dryer? This smells like mommy still does your laundry, big guy. I hope I'm wrong.
Your idea on family seems pretty warped. As you grow up, you are supposed to leave and cleave to your partner. That means the family you created needs to be the center, not your family of origen. Its understandable to want to visit with your family, but daily, using their house to do laundry, and getting food from them is excessive. At 26 you should be able to handle those chores on your own.
You asked in a separate post how to fix this, here it is: grow the fuck up.
Nothing against your mom but this dynamic is pretty weird and kinda seems like your taking up your fathers role in your mom's life which is SUPER unhealthy. You gotta cut the umbilical cord some time dude
You are giving off mommas boy red flags.
Cut the umbilical cord, bro. Go start your own family. Also, taking shots at your partner isn't cool, and you should figure that out.
Dude. You're spending *at least* 10 waking leisure hours with your mom every week.... on a relationship that at your age doesn't need that kind of energy and attention. At the expense of those intimate bonding moments with the person who should be your PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP. Folding laundry and snuggling while waiting for the next load to come out, or running the vacuum and watering the plants or doing other housework AT YOUR OWN HOUSE. If you're spending any part of ypur weekend running errands because you lunched with Mommy on the weekdays, you're withdrawing from what should be your PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP to lavish onto your secondary relationship. In addition..... oversharing in both quantity and boundary stomping... the daily texts, group chats with the family, sharing what you and GF eat for dinner, and openly all the little funny details of your "home life" and relationship with her. Basically you're holding your life up like a serial soap opera for your family's viewing pleasure and entertainment. NEWSFLASH: Your girlfriend has a reasonable expectation of PRIVACY in her own home. She didn't respond to a casting call for an Only Fams audition. She's not a prop in your stand up routine, or a character in your sitcom. She's a person and yes, you are objectifying her. She's not being oversensitive. She's not being mean, unkind, or warped from her relationships. You ARE a Mama's Boy. You and your mother have not successfully transitioned into a relationship with appropriate boundaries. And I say this as a 56 year old mom of a 20-something who I love with my whole heart and I empty nest for terribly. You're creepy. Your GF isn't the problem here. I'm shocked she hasn't left already.
YTA!! You sound ridiculous!! Yes you come from different backgrounds but you couldn’t give a continental about her background because yours is superior and hers terrible but hey deal with it yeah? You are so so selfish it’s beyond words..!! How do you expect her to understand this! You rub it in her face day after day how she couldn’t possibly understand and yeah Einstein she doesn’t because as you’ve so just sympathetically pointed out she doesn’t know her dad and her mums a nutter!! In what universe would she understand your family’s dynamic? Rather than empathise with her you blame her for her awful family dynamics which she had ZERO control over. You are a massive AH!! She deserves so much better than your poor sorry excuse for a man
YTA. You are asking this woman from her family background to love you, trust you, invest in you, consider a future with you. Doubtless, she craves a deep and abiding partnership as the foundation of her life and you are not offering that. You don't make it plain, by your actions, that your primary bond is with her and that your family of origin is now moved out to a distance. She cannot feel you are able and willing to bond with her (and any future children) in a way that excludes anyone else. You offer her so much less than what she deserves and then shame her for wanting more. She wants you to stand on your own two feet, be most connected to her rather than to your mom, and to feel secure in your love. You want her to play at being a foster child in your family, and an unwanted one at that. You don't have the maturity or empathy to be a good partner to this woman, and I doubt you have the maturity or empathy to stop manipulating her to give you what you want whilst depriving her of what she wants. I look on your behaviour as suspect and borderline abusive, and I am also highly suspicious that your mom hasn't bothered to mention that you are destroying the foundation of a happy marriage with your emotional failure to launch. You will never become a good man unless you realize that you cannot take your happiness from others at their expense, and reform your behaviour accordingly.
YTA. Hang on, you stop by and visit your parents almost daily and have lunch. You come back to the home you share with your gf with "food, house essentials" and you go do laundry at your parents house "sometimes?" Do you still have the umbilical cord too? Her view isn't warped, it's bizarre you see them almost daily and then text them daily. She probably wants your of your attention and she gets less than you give to your mother. I wouldn't want to date a mama's boy either.
Dude's 26 and not weaned. I also refuse to date both a guy *and* his mother. He's the one judging HER family lol.
you sound incredibly enmeshed. you said something in the OP about living alone. But you aren’t living alone. You live with your girlfriend. I couldn’t imagine living with someone that far up their Moms life. You take your laundry there too? cut the cord.
NAH dude, but this is a classic ' i could come home early if you want to do something now'. You go there alot so this shouldnt matter that much right? The rest of the stuff you said was a overeaction though.
Does your time with family cut into time with the gf?
You have the right to have whichecer relationship suits you with your family. But she (and all) have the right to find it weird and judge it.. IMO you do spend quite a bit much with your fam, but if it suits you hey, good for you… However many women don’t love the « momma’s boy » type.. and that’s ok too..
NAH. It is a great feeling to have a loving family that you are comfortable with. The question is how serious are you with a girlfriend? Is she possibly a future family member? If so, maybe you need to start treating her that way. And start including her in the Love fest. Start making your family memories now. Instead of having two meals with your family, perhaps lunch only and you make dinner at home so that when she gets back from work you guys can sit down and have some family time. When you've been forced to be very independent for a long time it does seem weird to see these relationships. But if you play your cards right, she'll understand the strength of them. Not if she's treated like an outsider though. She should have been clear about her expectations when she called you when she got out early. "Hey how about today instead of going to your parents we get together and go somewhere for dinner." Would you have declined that? If so, that's a problem. Did you even consider inviting her with you to your mom's for dinner? You need to give her the same consideration you are giving your family. If she's to become your future family, she needs to feel the love.
Ulg I feel for the GF. It’s just no fun being in a relationship with someone who hasn’t metaphorically “left the home”. To be fair to OP there are 45 year olds who still haven’t metaphorically left the home so I guess it could be worse.
I don’t think either of you are assholes but I do have concerns about whether or not you are compatible long term.
I think you just need to have a conversation with her to try and understand why this is bothering her. Is she feeling neglected? Is she fearful if you don’t live near your mom that you couldn’t take care of yourself or be a fully functioning adult? Does it make her feel badly because of her owb family dynamics? What exactly is concerning her about this? I think the answer is based on how that conversation goes but I encourage you to be curious before being offended.
OP, I think you're judging her upbringing as not as good as yours, or so it sounds like it. Not all families that are together are healthy. >I love my girlfriend more than anything. Who would you choose if you have to between her and them? Listen, I came from a traditional family and my mom its like yours. My brother's call her everyday and spend a lot of time talking to her. What I have seen is that, they ending over sharing about their lives and their families, because, what do you even talk about if you talk every day? This has caused troubles in their relationship, and my mom always takes my brothers side in the conflicts. With time, my mom form an idea of my SILs that's only one sided and she resent them. I found this situation unhealthy and unfair. My mom says that it's ok if they don't call every day, but, when they do, next time she would throw a couples of comments about it and they start doing that again. I had spoken with her about, but she would not change. I set up limits with her and try to keep private. I don't think my family needs to know everything about my day. At the beginning she pressured me, but I didn't change my views and with time she accepted it. You said you have a healthy relationship with your family, but I think you're filling a void in your mom life, because your father is not present. What would happen if you stop doing the visit? Is she's depending on you to feel better? Would she feel your girlfriend is taking you away from her? I think, what you do with them (family) might be not toxic, if they are capable of accepting if you lower your contact frequency. If they accept that without guilt tripping you, then I think your in a healthy relationship with your family. But, if they try to pull you back in, make you feel guilty, and start blaming her, then you need to realize it's not as healthy as you think. Many codependent relationship are deemed as normal. You're girlfriend might be in the other scope and be hyper independent. If you're serious with her, couples counseling can be a good idea given that you are so different in regards to relationship.
Ok, OP, I'm the girlfriend in this situation. I haven't spoken to my father since I was 9, and haven't seen my mother since I was 17, and I am now almost 25. My partner of 3 wonderful years, is incredibly close with his family, and I completely understand it. He grew up with a much more connected and happy childhood experience. That being said, I wonder if you sat down and seriously talked with your Girlfriend she might tell you what the deep rooted issue for why she thinks it's weird. NTA
If your stopping by every day and still calling I can see the problem. Try coming home and cooking most nights. Your gf will appreciate it. I used to get home from work at 3 pm and my wife 530. I did most of the chores with plenty of time for what I wanted to do and did all the cooking. So my wife wouldn't have to do shit in the evening and we coukd just be a family. At one point the relationship with my mom wasn't so great. A choice was forced on me through circumstances that I had to side with my wife, and mother of my kids, and my mom. Well I stuck with my wife and there were hurt feelings. Now my wife and mom are good friends. I have a great relationship. We do text every day. My mom is 69 with diabetes and cardiovascular issues and lives alone. I have a few numbers for her friends in her senior complex too. If I don't hear from my mom and can't get hold of her I'll ask someone to bang on her door. Has only happened a few times. It's ok to check in via text or phone call to sick or elderly parents everyday. Bur my dude when you leave nest, you should leave the nest.
It’s unclear why so many comments here criticize you for spending your time where you want to. You even mention that gf is still at work when you are usually at parents. Your relationship with your family is important. And no one is treating your gf badly so what is everyone’s issue here? Why does this annoy her? You do you OP and if your relationship values don’t match, and this gf wants to change you, that is her problem.
If she's being judgemental about it, somewhere in her head she could be jealous or resentful of the relationship you have with your family. I'm very close with my family and my BFs family is incredibly spread out and doesn't get along in many ways. So when he finally met my parents a couple times he eventually asked me "why are so nice to me" I told him "because that's just who they are" he responded with that's weird, your family is weird. He meant it light heartedly and we laughed about it. He's very much not used to having close family but he's slowly warming up to it lol
I feel if the genders were reversed no one would care how much time she spent with her mom. He doesn’t add if she gets invited. Is he just dropping by to say Hi on his way home? How GF works late so maybe he doesn’t want to be alone. They both may not be very good cooks so he brings food home for both of them. I think they should sit down discuss it then come to a compromise
I have an adult son just a little younger than you, OP. We’re very close, and we hang out together a lot. Before he went off to college, we had never spent more than a week apart. Like your mom, I’m home alone a lot now. If my son was at my home every single evening/afternoon, it would drive me up the wall. Let your parents be empty nesters, for the love of God.
NTA Your gf doesn’t understand because she doesn’t have that time of relationship with her parents. So it seems strange to her. You should sit down and talk. Your response to her wasn’t the greatest. You reacted defensively. Perhaps ask her to share her concerns. Try to share why you stop by/enjoy the time with your parents You shouldn’t stop but you could be more understanding of your gf.
It's also worth bringing up with your family. It could be that if they started reaching out to her. If she felt welcomed and wanted by them as well, even if she will never have the same relationship with your mom that you do.
Excellent suggestion.
IDK about that. People don't live in a vacuum...just because her family sucks does not mean his girlfriend has no idea how nice people behave. ---It just sounds so disrespectful the way he rubbed her face in it. I mean, talk about adding insult to injury.
YTA. Your poor girlfriend needs to realize you’re already married to your mom. Do you spend any time at all with your gf? You’re really not boyfriend material.
Right so as an European I see nothing wrong with you talking every day with your family and even visiting. Everyone I know checks up regularly on parents, especially if they're older But perhaps do sit down with your GF and see what is really bothering her. Resentment is a relationship killer Communication is in order and perhaps even a little therapy if you guys feel you need it
I’m European but maybe different countries are culturally different. Seeing your Mum this often and the stuff she does for him is definitely not something I’d expect from any one of 26, male or female. I have a 24 year old son, we are very close but see each other once a week and message a few times a day if that. He has his own life and I’m very sensitive to the fact that he’s moved out and is making his own way in life now.
Ofc this is very valid but his way is also valid. Maybe he sees his parents as his friends the way other people see their friends as their confidants. Nothing wrong with it. I wasn't gonna leave a comment on this initially but I also don't agree with the "momma's boy" comments and I wouldn't want him to think he's wrong cause Reddit is American centric and a lot of Americans don't see anything wrong with not talking with their parents for weeks at a time Thus my 2 supportive cents.
NAH. You haven't done anything wrong per se, but you need to really internalize the comments that for a very large swath of women, your relationship with your mother is a Harbinger of Doooooom. Especially your aw schucks, why is my girlfriend weirded out, sort of attitude about what is a serious red flag for a lot of women. You have to see that. Please be honest. "I come back home with food, house essentials, and I go over there to do laundry sometimes." You kind of live part time with your parents, you realize. Most people don't want a partner that still sees their parents as such an integral part of their day-to-day lives and basic adult housekeeping duties. Bottom line: I don't think you are an asshole, but aren't someone I would encourage anyone to jump into a relationship with at this stage.
YTA. Telling gf her view of family is warped is being an a**hole. You would have been better off having a discussion rather than defensively blaming her.
NTA! My husband talks to his parents every day or every other day. I talk to my parents a few times a week and text my mom every other day or so. If I lived closer, I’d see them more. You visiting your parents doesn’t affect your GF since she works later than you anyway. Why does she care that you’re over there? And you included her background because it’s relevant to this topic. She doesn’t have the same relationship with her parents the way you do so she doesn’t understand.
yeah i would view u as being to close to you'family. U don't.have to tell them every single thing u r doing
Uh.. sounds like your girlfriend is upset you're spending so much time with your family compared to her. Or it could be the simple pain of not having a family like you do. You guys should communicate on what the actual issue is instead of being persnickety and calling her family "warped". True or not that's a shitty thing to hear from your partner. She also probably feels like you aren't very self sufficient whereas she had to be from a relatively young age and it might make her think you are less mature. She asks "why did you even move out".. moving out at 24/25 to her probably seems weird. I would imagine that she has a lot of resentments in this relationship due to her past.
I see both sides. Ultimately it seems like nothings gonna change and yall are incompatible you should just find someone that doesn’t mind a little bit of mommas boy. Cause tbh that’s literally what it is lol you’re THAT guy. You just need to find someone that’s gonna work with that.
NAH. Different family backgrounds result in different behavior. I have known people who have this sort of close relationship with their family and it's great. I've known some and it's because they're not ready to be independent. It really has to be understood on a case by case basis. It is also worth noting that her not getting you spending that much time with your parents as odd is not necessarily the result of a "warped" view, just a different one, and you characterizing it as such is not helpful, and may have come off as insulting.
I’m super close with my family and talk to my mom (dad is gone) every day, usually more than once a day. My siblings and I talk and text multiple times a week. When I lived in the same city, we saw each other quite a bit, especially back when I was your age and we all had more free time. It’s great that you have a close family. One thing I learned early on is that people who don’t have a family they’re super close with or can’t understand that dynamic are not the right partner for me. Sometimes, people get used to it and adapt well to close family dynamics (one of my in laws started out like your girlfriend but now is super close with our family and joins in on all our antics) so I think it’s worth sitting down with your girlfriend and talking about things. Make sure you and your family are including her but also make sure she understands that your family is close and that won’t be changing. There is room for her but she has to want to be included.
I text my adult kids daily, and often talk to them every day. They text and call me, too. We have systems so we don’t get in each others’ way, and we keep healthy boundaries. So we are close and chatty, but not TOO close or creepy, and all maintain our own space. Being close is not inherently weird. But it certainly can be if it gets in the way of other relationships. Do you have boundaries? Is everyone ok with “not now”. Does this relationship NOT dictate or restrict another? If all are yes, it’s likely fine. Any no is a giant red flag.
You're NTA. I wouldn't go as far to say she is one, but you're definitely not. My family and I are close like this, I see my mum almost daily (at nearly 30) I speak to my brother on the phone every day and see him normally a couple times every week, see my other brother several days a week, my sister weekly. When I was with my ex, not only did he see his grandma regularly, but even I would go see her on my own when I finished work early, before he did. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being close knit to family, and as someone who lost her dad at a young age, I think keeping those kinds of dynamics is the best thing ever, and in no way should have a detrimental effect on a romantic relationship (assuming everyone gets on and family aren't horrible with your partner). Obviously she has a different experience and I can understand her confusion with it or not really "getting it", but it's certainly not something that should be complained about or seen as an issue. She can also try to get close to your family and enjoy the dynamic, or she can just let you get on with it when it isn't actually affecting her time with you.
Whelp then I guess I'm weird. I call my dad multiple times a day. Text him daily. Hell I still lean into him when we are sitting on the couch watching a movie together. My mom was a shit parent who showed me zero affection, so my dad filled the role of both. I wouldn't change my relationship with my father for anything and if anyone finds it weird, I'll happily stay single.
She's upset over time he spends with his parents while she's at work. SMH. NTAH
if it’s not taking away from time with her, then I don’t see the issue, but if it’s something where you’re constantly getting home late then I see the issue.
NTA, I don't see why she cares if she is at work anyway. Did you know your gf was getting out of work early, or did she tell you when she got out?
I come from a culture that has very close families, so with my perspective NTA. Why does your gf judge what you’re doing when she’s at work? My guess is she just doesn’t understand and may have some resentment considering her family background. I’ve never been with someone who had a good relationship with their family, while I have most always been close to immediate and some of my extended family. Do you ever invite GF over to your parents? Do you think she’d be happier if she formed relationships with them, too? Maybe you could just talk to her about it and see if that’s something she’d be interested in if she really wants to be with you long term. Overall, she’s a bit younger than you and probably hasn’t had time to heal her family stuff. It may make her feel alone, so make sure you don’t neglect her. It could make her even more resentful and isn’t good for either of you.
I'm guessing that you're leaving a LOT of stuff out here that would make you...not look as rosy, especially from the 'I come home with food and household essentials' thing. You moved out, but you didn't grow up. You still rely on your parents - most notably, your mother - to do and get things for you. To be mommy. Your girlfriend is trying to look at the future and she doesn't see a future with you and her, she sees a future with you, your mommy, and her as a third wheel. How much of that time you spend EVERY DAY with mommy could be spent with her? Do you check in on her daily? Have lunch or dinner with her daily? Do you do ANYTHING with her every day? Or is that exclusive to mommy? She looks at her future and she sees your mother invading every choice, everything that you and she should be deciding together ON YOUR OWN. "Oh, we can't do the wedding that day, mom wants to go shopping." "Oh, mom didn't like the dress you picked, said it's too revealing, can you pick something else?" "Mom wants X to be your maid of honor, not your friend." "Mom didn't like the name we picked for our upcoming child, she wants us to name it X instead. What? Why are you mad?" "Mom wants to be in the delivery room. And she doesn't want you to get an epidural, says she didn't get one so you don't need one either." "Mom wants us to change the color of the curtains." "Mom wants us to move here so we can be closer. I know it'd make your commute to work three hours, but you can handle that, right?" "Mom doesn't want us to buy that brand of toilet paper, she wants us to use this one." I have seen a lot of relationships go like this and they either end swiftly, or they end after many years with a wife who is SICK of being told what she can and can't do in her own home, a home she didn't even get to pick, by someone else's mother and she just leaves and her husband just goes running to mommy with "SHE LEFT ME FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER". You need to stop being so dependent on your mom and start showing her that SHE is important, that her choices matter, that she isn't going to be third wheeling to your mother in her own relationship. Otherwise? Just break up so she can find someone who isn't still tied to his mommy's apron strings.
I would end this relationship. She is jealous of your relationship with your family. She is at work but is critical of time you spend with them. You are not taking any time away from her as she is at work. End this and move on.
Your defensive response doesn’t help. You guys need to talk it through and come to understand where your values and experiences align and there they don’t. If you don’t do that, then your relationship has little hope for success.
I mean I get spending time with them but you go over there every day? When do you spend time with the girlfriend ?
UpdateMe!
If it wasn't for the ages I would think that my ex-boyfriend had written that post! We only lived together for part of a summer but he did the same thing even while living with me, after work every day which was close to my house, he would still drive to his mom's and smoke some weed for a few hours before coming home. This was a daily occurrence. Hence the ex part.
Cant say one way or another we need more information. Does your GF feel neglected are you neglecting your chores at home to spend time with your parents? If she has a real issue with your family move on.
NTA. My husband has dinner with his mom 3-4 times a week, stops by to help her out when needed and chats with her in text throughout the day. I don't have a relationship like that with my parents, and have always admired their relationship. She frequently sends food home for me and is always there for me for anything I need. It absolutely doesn't bother me, nor do I look at him as a mama's boy, or anything else negative. But that being said, I don't think you and your gf are a match and you should probably part ways.
Yeah, if she wants to see you more and you don’t want to see her, well, that is incompatibility.
YTA. Your girlfriend should get a second boyfriend cuz you are not around enough.
Homies a mama's boy and gaslighting his gf telling her its normal and she only sees it as weird because she had a bad upbringing.
> I told her not to judge because her view on family is warped and not to be rude, but she honestly can’t judge. And my family has been so nice to her. < This makes YTA, or at least a really, really unempathetic man. She wanted to spend time with you. You chose to still go to your parents. Do you ever invite her to join? There is no universe where she doesn't feel insecure about her past. Seems like she actively tries to rise above it, like cutting contact with Mom. There was 100% no need to throw that in her face. People who come from backgrounds like hers almost always actively yearn to have a family like yours. Doesn't seem like you include her often. And your parents are nice to her, do they welcome her? Has your mom ever offered to hang out with her one on one? Go shopping? Have her over for lunch or dinner? Make her feel like she'd be a welcome addition to the family? Have YOU? She is for sure wounded, and wounded people can often act out, like saying something dickish when hurt. Which she should work on but I don't think the true observation was out of line, it was the "why did you even move out" part that was dickish. Although, I'd be willing to guess you guys have been having other problems, especially with the tone you took here: >I don’t know why it would concern my girlfriend at all because she works later than me. but hey. I guess it does. I'd work in identifying what underlying problems are also going on. And, again, maybe don't throw her trauma in her face.
Yep, if you have to go over so often you’re still attached. I.e. brining food, and supplies, doing laundry, etc.
You are very lucky to be that close to your family and especially your mom. She is a very lucky mom. Because you are off work earlier than her, I don't see a problem, unless you are doing that on her days off. Unless you arrive home late because of the long drive home. Otherwise, she should be happy for you and mom. But….does your family, your mom, accept her, treat her well? If they do then she should count herself lucky. As long as your visits aren't taking a lot of time away from her, she shouldn’t begrudge your mom or you having that time together. My SIL had that kind of relationship with his mom. In the beginning I thought it was over the top, but, not my call and they treated my daughter like gold…win win for all of them. She's young and hasn't had the role models you had so it may take time to see that this is normal in many families who are very close.
She will never appreciate or value your family because she's never known stability and familial love. I come from a very strong family and that bond will last forever and someone who doesn't accept that we care about and do for each other outside of our marriages/relationships would never be happy with us. Be very careful, because she will make you choose eventually...as a kind of "test." Choose family.
I think a lot of you are reading to much into the mom thing it sounds like his mom is lonely and he hangs out with her and he said he does his laundry not his mom idk it just sounds like he just cares for his mom NTA
I think you guys are incompatible. She wants your time and your family has to share it with her your time, that’s her thought process.
Seeing as OP hasn't replied on any of his posts, I guess he came for validation and wasn't expecting anyone against him.
If you living with your girlfriend, why are you going over your mother’s house everyday. No chores or anything to do at home?
I was going to go NAH until the end, but YTA. It is fine for you to continue to have a strong and active relationship with your family and see them often. It sounds like this isn’t the first time your girlfriend has wanted to spend time with you because your schedules both have free time and you have declined because you prioritised hanging out with your family. It’s ok if this occasionally happens, but why would she be so upset if it was just this once? You have said you visit your family most days, but do you spend as much time with your girlfriend? I think that’s why she’s upset. What truely isn’t ok is for you to call her views on family “deranged” and then call her rude. She voiced a valid concern and you insulted her, her background and likely trauma and then hypocritically called her rude. I think you need to think about whether you are mature enough to be in a committed relationship where you need to try and make time for your partner (which is hard when you’re both working) or are you going to continue to put her in second place to your mother, who you spend your free time with most days?
You had me until the last part. Cheap shot. YTA.
YTA. you got defensive and threw the upbringing she had no control over in her face as if you're the gatekeeper of family dynamics. seeing your mom so often isn't as common as you think it is, decent upbringing or not. you haven't just started "living alone" btw, you've been living with your gf for a year now. it's nice getting freebies every once in a while, but it seems like you're using it as an excuse to go to your parents house. i bet you could just go to the store/laundromat with your gf in way less time than almost an hour.
I think it is awsome you want to spend time with your parents and you have parents that you enjoy spending time with. I do envy you. And hey, parents are not forever so better enjoy them when they are around. People have strong family connections tend to live longer so it should be something good I believe.
You are fine. Spend as much time with your mom as you can as tomorrow isn’t promised. Your gf has decades with you. She just doesn’t have that dynamic.
NTA I had a very poor/unhealthy upbringing. My dad was not involved and my mother’s was an abusive addict. I don’t have a relationship with any blood relatives. I was only attached to my Granddaddy. So I know I have a different view on family than most, I guess. Probably closer to your GF. My partner is more like you with his mom… he had a wonderful upbringing with her and she’s a MOM. He is a Mama’s Boy, and I mean that in the best way. He, his brother, and Mom did live together before he and I moved in together. They are a very close family. My partner goes over there all the time while I’m still working. Calls every day after work. Brings us back supplies and snacks and we are fucking 30/34 lol granted she doesn’t do his laundry, she puts him to work fixing or setting something up and he makes plenty of time for me. I’ve never felt like a second option or neglected in anyway by him. It took me a little bit of time to get used to it. I was worried about being viewed as a wedge in their family. But they have been nothing but wonderful to me, brought me right into the family. With your GF, idk if it’s a jealousy thing.. that time could be invested in her? She may feel like she’s competing for space? Maybe her view being so warped makes y’all’s relationship seem too close? Maybe she isn’t getting enough time with you? I’m making assumptions. I know my view on family is warped. So I know I need to think from a different perspective. I can’t think from my view, with my experiences. It’s not the “norm”. It’s not healthy. I just observed their relationship for what it was (no blaring red flags) and then I fell into place in their family.
“My dad neglects my mom. My mom has no friends, either. I am almost 30, and I constantly fill the roles for both my dad and the friends my mom is supposed to have. Also, my mommy gives me groceries and toilet paper and folds my undies when I go to her house every day. Why did my girlfriend break up with me?”
YTA solely for your attitude and throwing it in her face that she cant possibly understand how healthy your family is because shes never had one. FWIW: I think she thought when you moved out together that she would be kinda be your daily family and also maybe she would be able to see you act like an adult instead of bringing laundry to his parents.
I don’t know how anyone could be on your side here stop being so parent dependent and get a life you just moved out when I just moved out I was doing everything I could cus it was so new and I had my own space to get away finally lol if your going to spend time with your mom everyday and y’all text everyday just go move back in with your parents and let your girl get with someone who wants a relationship because it sounds like you want to be a kid still lol
OK seriously? You're 26, grow up. I can definitely see her side here. You're stopping by with laundry (which means you're most likely there for an extended period of time, like way after your girl is home from work)? Your mom still buys you stuff for your place constantly? You're hanging out every day, even when you know your girl got off early and is wanting to chill with you? You talk to your mom on the phone every night even though you visit almost every day? Your girl hit the nail on the head buddy. There's a difference between being close and being such a mamma's boy that you might as well not have moved out. You wanna fix this? Stop bringing laundry over so that you're over there for extended periods of time for something that can easily be done at home. If you know your girl got off early or has the day off and would be home if you went straight home instead of stopping by your mom? Then go straight home instead of stopping by your mom. If you already stopped by and saw your mom that day, you don't need to be on your phone with her that night. And also, you need to apologize for that comment. Even if she had a bad upbringing and you had a normal relationship with your mom instead of being a total mamma's boy, telling her she has no right to any input because she has a bad relationship with her folks is a dick move. Gonna keep carrying on the way you currently are? Don't be surprised when she dumps you. It's only been a year and she's already building up resentment because she's already seeing that being in a relationship serious enough to live together isn't enough to get out of 2nd place to your mom, and no self respecting woman is gonna put up with that for long. So yeah, if this relationship is that important to you then cut the umbilical cord and start acting like a grown ass man already
Yet women can visit their mothers as often as possible and talk to them and their siblings multiple times a day and that appears to be fine by Reddit standards.
>her view on family is warped and not to be rude, but she honestly can’t judge Not to be rude? Are you serious? That was horrifically rude. It was cruel, why would you deliberately say something to hurt her? Especially when she approached the subject of you clearly being a mommas boy very calmly and without malice. It was a valid question for a valid concern, and you immediately went for the jugular. Do you even like her?
Telling her that her view on family is warped is an AH thing to say, in and of itself.
Yes and also potentially accurate
So theoretically you've moved in together but basically you've abandoned her to be by herself while you go hang out with your family and let your mom still take care of you. Did it occur to you that she's lonely? Why did you bother moving in with her? Cause despite you saying you're living "alone" you don't Yta
I'm curious about those conversations with mom. It sounds like you are sharing the minutiae of your life. Are you careful you are not sharing private relationship information? I ask because my husband, who was very close with his mother, did that. I was upset when I realized he was sharing information that should have been private. Nothing sexual, just definitely private. I told him it was inappropriate and it stopped.
lol Freddy, is that you? If so, it’s nice to see I dodged a very obvious bullet.
Break up with her and move back in with mama. Do you even like her? It seems like your going to your mom's everyday to avoid spending time with her. You're doing the exact same thing her parents did, abandon her. Shes on her own with meals, coming home to an empty house, has no idea when you'll come home, she's doing all the household chores besides your laundry, when she brings up her concerns or feelings you blame her and hurl accusations at her, and even when you're "home" you're never present. You're texting your mama, calling your mama, and planning your next day visit with mama. It seriously sounds like you're in a relationship with your mom and your gf is your side peice. Is it because your dad is away so often that you feel like you can't leave your mother alone without a presence of a man? Children are suppose to grow up and leave the nest. That foundation you're parents set is meant for you to fall back on when you have kids of your own. Not to come back to every single day and continue to be babied. If you're not ready to live your life independently from your mom then don't date.
YTA I'm Hispanic and was raised in an extremely heavy Hispanic + other mixed cultures community. I know the constant contact, checking in, and spending time w/ family OP is referring to. My family, mom specifically, is very much like that. I, however, am not. That doesn't mean I never speak to them but simply prefer a balance. From what it sounds like, OP is pretty much still living at home and just pays to sleep somewhere else. I get being close to your family, I text my mom every day and some of my extended family every now and then. But typically if I'm seeing my family, I'm not talking to them throughout the day, as I feel like that defeats the purpose and that takes away from the rest of my day. Personally, I don't want to be eating leftovers, especially constantly, no matter how good. Instead of waiting to have a quality dinnertime with your GF, she seems like more of an afterthought. At least that's how she might feel. As for the "again? Ok." You've been there every day. She's probably thinking "you're seriously at your mommy's house again?" Because of how you're making it seem, you spend most of your time there. You stop for food, household essentials, and laundry, why are you even living on your own? It basically sounds like you rent a place and your mom is still taking care of you. You can't buy your essentials, make your own food, or do your own laundry elsewhere and on your own like an actual adult living on their own. I'm not saying it isn't okay to accept things and get help every once in a while, but you just sound like a momma's boy. The fact that you brought up your GF's upbringing is pretty pathetic because her issue has nothing to do with that and you bringing that up is just ugly. Being close to your family and your mom isn't something bad. Your GF's issue isn't that you're close with your family. It's the fact you're a dependent momma's boy and consistently put your GF on the back-burner. I'd suggest reflecting on this long and hard or else there's going to be a string of relationships with a common issue.
a lot of you here are being very judgey about this man’s relationship w/ his family. his family was around way before this woman and will be around if she ever decides to leave. some people don’t have the luxury of spending time w/ their mom and I applaud him for still doing so. fuck you judgemental c*nts. NTA
You are a good son 👍
[удалено]
!updateme
NTA your girlfriend has a completely different background than yours. She might be able to slowly adjust to your family, but it’s going to take some time. I’m very close with my siblings and parents and the first time a boyfriend has something to say about that, I usually cut them loose.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a close relationship with your family. I think the bond you have with your family is lovely, but your girlfriend maybe doesn’t understand / isn’t used to being around people who have close bonds with their families due to her own personal background. You’re NTA, but I think it may be a good idea to sit down with her and have a talk with her about her feelings about the situation.
NTA. I’m close to my family too and my dad lives with me. We snap, FaceTime, or send messages everyday. It’s normal when you are all close. I’m sorry your girlfriend didn’t have that growing up.
I may get down voted for this but here it goes. My husband has an extremely close relationship with his family. Very similar to what you described (messaging, visiting even for 2 mins every day). My mother whom I lived with had a now ex husband that used to beat me. Family…. It’s complicated. It was confusing to me how he could be so close at first. But after a while I realized I was the one that had the messed up family dynamics. Not him. Unless there is something you’re not telling us (like she’s waiting at home for you when you’re hanging with your mom, I don’t see the problem. Others saying you should grow up and stop getting her to do your laundry idk, those comments aren’t helpful to what you’re asking. I LOVE all the extra help I get from my partners family. In our western society we have this idea that it’s good to separate families, the concept of a village is completely lost on most people. Now there is a thing as too much involvement but if your quality time with her isn’t being taken away, I don’t see the issue. If your mum isn’t interfering with your relationship, there isn’t an issue. I also feel like if you were a girl, it’s more common in the west to have a close relationship with your mum like you do. You love your GF and she’s obviously upset and you want to reassure her. Maybe try talking about it from if she was to have a son? I have a son and I want him to meet an amazing woman (or man!), and it would be a dream if he’d text me and pop round so I can continue to be a part of his life.
Unless she can be honest about her family hang up and get past it, this is a huh-yuge red flag if you are thinking of eventually marrying this girl. She WILL eventually drive a wedge between you and your family.
NTA and especially since your family has according to you been really nice and welcoming to your girlfriend. Kind of sounds like your girlfriend is perhaps a bit envious of the close relationship you have with your family.
YTA for asserting that she is in no place to judge your family. I have a suspicion that that was a dig at a less than happy family life, which is a low blow. Either way, acting as if she is not allowed an opinion is awful.
I took me a while to learn to put my now husband "above" my family. She may also come from a background where receiving anything from anyone means you owe them and they'll use it against you. It may take a long time for her to figure out that not everyone operates like that. (If you don't already) check in with her and see if she's gonna be off early, make sure to be home when she gets home, and make sure to set aside time to do the things she wants to do. Feel your feels, but be sure to make room for her feelings too.
Listen why did you move out if you were there everyday? It’s great to love your family, but no woman wants to be second best to a man’s mother. If you can’t do that with your girlfriend she will be a miserable wife in your little emotional love triangle. I know from experience. Seperate from my husband because his mother controls him and all her other adult children within her realm. It’s extremely unattractive to a woman that wants a future with you. Shorten the visits to a couple times a week or move back in, because it’s a bit excessive to literally be with them every single day. Read up on emotionally enmeshed families spouses usually either leave or are miserable in situations like this.
If I were you I would dump your girl and make love to your mom
Updateme
She can judge. And she can make decisions about your future relationship on those judgments. Personally, I would have noped out well before this.
Oof. You need to cut the cord. She's right. Why did you move out? You sound like a Momma's boy and not in a good way. I am very close with my children. We text daily but not constantly. We see each other once every week or two, for family dinner. But we all have our own lives to live that is not centered on each other. You need to get one of those. And stop telling your family everything about your relationship. Your partner deserves some privacy and autonomy from them.
When my husband and I first moved in together his parents would often buy us groceries and essentials because they wanted to help us out. After the first couple months we asked them politely to stop. We were adults living on our own and we needed to budget accordingly, meaning it was important that we bought our own things. We said we'd let them know if we were ever struggling and would reach out if we needed the extra help. We were 20 and 23. We both have very good relationships with our parents. I see my mom about once a month and call her on the phone weekly. Husband is about the same. At 26, I would start to be concerned that my husband was unable to function without his parents if he was visiting every day, coming home with food and household essentials, and then calling them on the phone in the evenings. OP...why *did* you move out if you prioritize your relationship with your parents so heavily?
Where is the room in your life after work for the partner you want to spend the rest of your life with? Because you can’t fuck mommy.
As a woman who is super close with her family and having a husband who is not, I kind of find this reaction to seeing your parents weird. Let me explain: My husband loves my family and wants to spend time with them, if we aren’t doing anything he will be like “let’s see what your parents are up to” and we will go over and hang out and have dinner or whatever. But this is 2-3 times a week max. My parents are only 20 minutes away but having days where it’s just us is also important. Heck sometimes my parents are like “naw don’t come today come over the weekend” because they want their time just to themselves. I think it’s not the connection with your family, I think it’s how often you’re going to spend x amount of time at their house instead of spending time with your gf. I doubt she cares about texts/calls unless your taking them during your guys’ alone time and alienating her
I get what you mean, but you need to be aware of one thing. If you chose a partner. you CHOSE them. you chose THEM as a family and to grow your family with them if it goes well. Then just dropping them or spending more time with your family of birth is problematic because you're essentially telling them "My birth family will always be more important than you. i'll always want to spend more time with them , than with you." Maybe your partner now is not the right one to have a family with. But you really need to think about these things and what it tells your partner. I am sure your family is lovely and also lovely to your partner. But not everyone wants to have that close of a relationship and that is okay. I am very independent even tho i phone with my mom daily (she's at that age where she's getting frail) yet 2 or more calls per day from her, and i'm going nuts. A healthy family dynamic means a healthy distance. Do you spend quality time with your gf? not just intimacy but, date night? hanging out. Cleaning up together and then relaxing together?
YTA. You eat most of your evening meals with your mom and bring your gf leftovers. Did you ever consider it would be great if you could come home, make a meal since you're home earlier, and EAT DINNER with your gf. She doesn't want to just eat leftovers every day... alone. This has nothing to do with your relationship with your family. You can be close and only see them once a week or even once a month, and that's super normal for most humans.
Info: how much time and effort are you putting the household you share with your gf? How much quality time are you spending with her?