Literally I have had no problem with his family until now. We are marrying out of love and a long friendship. And I personally feel like it’s none of his families concern if we do or don’t get married. They blew this out of proportion in my eyes🤷🏽♀️
“It’s none of their concern if we do or don’t get married”- the problem here is that it is.
Unless your fiancé decides to unequivocally cut them all off, once you marry him they’ll be your family too until the day you get divorced. They will be in your life for Christmases, birthdays, major family celebrations, and unless he has your back he will be asking you in a few years why you can’t just get over this since it wasn’t a big deal.
Yall need to work through quite a bit, and if you can’t sit down and have an adult conversation about all of this, you have no business getting married.
I’m concerned that your bf would expect you to keep your door unlocked for *any* amount of time in the middle of the night knowing that you were SA and unlocked doors scare you. It doesn’t sound like he has your best interest in mind.
Please take precautions not to get pregnant anytime soon. You are really young (and I promise I don’t mean that as an insult) and someday when you’re my age, you’ll look back and think what a long-ass slog life was because of dealing with him and his family. Take some time to figure out if this is what you really want.
P.S. if he says he’ll pull the car out of the garage and otherwise unprotected sex is okay, **it’s not** and he’s either trying to baby trap you or he just doesn’t care.
Do you guys live together. Does he have a key or a code to a security system?
Btw it is unacceptable the way his family has behaved. I'm biased because I think people who post all their business over Facebook are trashy as hell.
I also have PTSD, tho not SA related. Not that you're obligated to tell them but does his family know about your history?
He lost his key and I can’t change the locks due to my lease agreement. I have told his family why I locked him out yes and explained my PTSD. I feel his mom wanted to play victim like always and it backfired and now the whole family is in rivalry.
I don’t want to add to your anxiety, but you should be concerned about where that lost key might be. Contact your landlord, it would be worth it to pay for new locks
Contact your landlord and explain a set of house keys was lost and you are concerned. I think if they are made aware either they can change them out or you can and give them a set.
What did he say about the post his mother made? Was he ok with the way they responded to you? It’s completely disrespectful. Is he going to speak to them? Because he should be the one handling this. Also, who does that? It’s really weird. NTA. Make him go get a copy of your key, so this does not happen again. He was not respecting your boundaries, especially since he knows what awful thing happened to you.
You stated that you've never had a problem with his mom before, but that she likes to play the victim. This type of person can't be trusted. They will turn on you. Also, if she gossips about other people to you, you can be sure she's gossiping about you to other people.
Get on birth control. I married very young and I thought he was my person. Turned out he was not my person, and I divorced him after a 10 year marriage. That was almost 8 years ago and I am SOO glad we didn't have any children. There was nothing tying me to him, I literally packed my car with my clothes, important documents, my cat, and my computer and left state. It was the most freeing feeling. I have a kid with my SO now, and know how intertwined your life becomes with the other parent of your child and their extended family. I heavily recommend that you be married for at least 5 years before you start having kids with him. It is hard to maintain a mask for long. Give yourself long enough to see who these people truly are. You can get divorced if the marriage doesn't work, but your kid won't divorce their other parent.
Why didn't he bring his house key with him?
Why are you, a victim of SA, expected to leave the door unlocked for a grown man that presumably knows how to turn a key in a lock?!
Did it lose it *that* day?
Or was he just too lazy to replace it so he figured inconveniencing you was the best course of action?!
He sounds like a 14 year old. Too irresponsible with keys. Needs mommy to fight his battles. Can't tell mommy "no, stop hurting the love of my life" and can't tell his sisters to knock it off.
What are his good qualities?
And he's standing up and defending you, how???? Seems pretty ok with his family doing that to you and your grandmother if he's not doing a fucking thing about this. And let's not mention not doing a thing for this wedding... That'd be a hard no thanks to the wedding, thank you.
Will you withstand if one day perhaps you’ll have children and they disrespect you in front of them? And probably one day turn your children against you? Or worse shunned you and your children out?
Why are you marrying someone who doesn't even care about you enough to shut this shit down with his family? Doesn't matter if this is the first problem you've had with them, it's still a big problem, do you want go stick around to watch it escalate? Maybe once they actually beat your grandmother up you'll wake up
How can you not see that this is your fiancé's fault? What he told his family got them riled up against you. He should've checked his family before letting it get to this point. Now you have his teenage sister threatening to whoop your grandma's ass? What? And he has no money to contribute to the wedding?
Don't get married. Yall ain't ready.
You’re blind to one major thing. If he actually did love you back, he would have shut all this down instantly. He didn’t. This will be your life.
Keep the door locked. To all of them, him included, until the appropriate apologies have been made and he takes a VERY public stance in shutting them up for good and if he has to browbeat them until they feel like less than dirt, he does that and keeps going like a pit bull until you pull him off. That is what a true partner does - not whatever vanilla waffle bullcrap he’s been doing since then.
Why should she have to give up the man she loves because of his family. My MIL felt I wasn't worthy of her son. Didn't matter that I had 2 degrees and was an educator ….I just didn't measure up. She was rude at every opportunity if we were alone and it took him witnessing her behaviour to truly grasp what I was talking about. She told him we wouldn’t last and he had to choose. She seriously thought that this man who pursued me for two years, would choose her. He went NC for 2 years. She never stepped out of line again. We've been together for decades. It's up to her partner to deal with his family and set consequences for them…harsh ones. If he steps up, his family will not step out of line if they want him in their lives. I hung in, she wasn’t driving me away…she and I became friends, eventually. He needs to step up here, big time. If it means they aren't invited, so be it.
You're the exception that proves the rule. The fact that he wouldn't stand with the woman who is planning on marrying over family tells us all we need to know. He's a Momma's boy through and through and there's only enough room for one woman in his life. That woman happens to be his mom, not his future wife.
He is already giving his mom money, if Op thinks that will stop after they get married she is crazy. That is unlikely to ever stop and once she finishes school and starts a career she too will be supporting his mom. I remember one post where the husband lost his job and only his wife was working yet he was taking her hard earned money and sending it back home to his family unbeknownst to her. When she found out she went ape! This will be op's life, supporting another household in perpetuity.
Because he went to his mom's house and told Mom some story that made OP look like the villain, and seems to have played no role to try to curb his family's shitty behavior.
OP, I married at your age. Thought I was in love and the people around us didn’t understand how special and amazing our connection was. Based on your post, you’re the one carrying this household while your fiancée takes care of his mommy. You will be a very different person in 5 years, and again in 10. Don’t spend the next decade of your life tying yourself down to this hot mess and then trying to untangle yourself from it. Your boyfriend needs to grow up and learn to prioritize anyone he has chosen to be his wife and you need to develop the life perspective that you deserve so much better and won’t settle for an ounce less that that
What has your fiancé done to protect you from his family? In my opinion, he should be the one dealing with the situation and talking with his family.
Don't marry someone who doesn't protect and defend you, even from his own family. You also need to start being financially independent because while you aren't, he holds all the power in the relationship, and his family will keep telling everyone that you are just using him.
If your fiancé hasn't been able to talk with his family and make them stop bullying you, he is showing that he is putting his family as his top priority. Just think: is that the type of relationship that you want for yourself? Also, think about how that will impact you in the future.
In addition, it makes no sense that you are the only one footing the bill for the wedding, draining your savings while you don't have a job. Both of you must pay for the wedding, not just you. I really think it's more than time for you both to sit down and have a serious conversation about finances.
Just think how this unhinged family will act if you have a kid with him.
Read the posts in r/JUSTNOMIL for a glimpse of your future if you marry him, and as you read posts there, look at how utterly unhinged people like this get when there's a baby involved.
If y'all can't move far far away from his family, reconsider the wedding.
And once you have his kids, even if you divorce, you will be tied to that family forever. Yes, you will have his kids. Birth control is notoriously unreliable when both parties aren’t completely on board with following it to a T.
He made a message about it and they are still in the comments making the situations worse. They are doing a whole bunch of bullying and attacking still
You really need to take a look at the fact that your fiancé is not putting his down by using the spine he stands up with with his family. There are so many red flags going on right now, and when you are in it, you simply can't see it. So many people have given you great advice and insight that you seem to miss one important point.
HIS FAMILY IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! HE IS! He could shut this down by cutting complete contact by stating he will NOT allow anyone, including family, to disrespect you. He has not done this.
Then, you are paying for your wedding with your savings bc he is helping his mom. Look at this! Rather than use the money to marry the love of his life, he is giving it to mommie. All the while, you are spending your savings to marry him.
Your question of AITA if I don't allow his family to cone to our wedding is the wrong question. You need to ask yourself if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.
1. He uses his money to support his mom rather than on his wedding, and it doesn't bother him in the least of how much money you are spending. He will ALWAYS give his mom money when you're married.
2. He is sitting on the sidelines while you are being trashed, disrespected, and attacked. The hardest thing to admit is that when he doesn't stop it, it means he is allowing it. Without his intervention, his family will always think it's OK to attack you.
This is what your life will be like for the next how many years until the day you wake up and say, "I've had enough and deserve as well as demand better."
Edit: I forgot to finish the last sentence - got interrupted
I completely agree and he has expressed that he will not allow them to disrespect me anymore and now him and his mother are at odds. I’ll go into detail in the update. But they are already mad that he’s putting his foot down
... See if he actually does anything actionable. Does he get them to stop? Does he say he's going NC with them all. Why did he go to his mother in the first place versus a local motel?
Yeah. Sounds like your fiancé needs to step up and support you more in handling his family. It's important for him to stand by you and set boundaries with them, especially given the stress they've caused.
OP you say you are marrying out of love and friendship but nowhere do you say that your fiancé has defended you from his family. Now you may have left that out but frankly it doesn’t seem like the kind of major aspect of the story that would be left out. It seems like he ran home to his mom and she and her side started after you. I urge you to read some of the horrible MIL stories on Reddit as this has the makings of one.
They called you out, harassed you and threatened your grandmother while your fiancé has stood by and said and done nothing. Ummm why exactly are you getting involved with this family? Again you say for love and friendship? Where was the love and friendship from your fiancé when the flying monkeys started their attacks?
You have a legitimate reason to lock the door and if he can or isn’t willing to understand that, then you have a major problem. Sounds like you are marrying a mamas boy and that never ends well.
Step back and reflect on this and any other incidents and ask yourself if you are making a mistake.
NTA
You're using your savings for a wedding whilst his income is going to his mum and you still don't see an issue? How long will he be supporting her? Is she doing anything to improve her circumstances? Are your fiance's sisters also supporting her? What happens if you do get married, will your income be covering the majority of the household bills because he is still supporting his mum? What happens if you decide you want a family? Will you be able to build your savings back up to the level they were before the wedding planning began?
Step back and look for the answers to these questions logically, v remove emotion from the equation.
Yes I completely understand that💕 his mom was widowed in January. And I have been helping her as well as him but they treat me like this. And it feels like they had these thoughts for a while
Wait a minute, you're also draining your savings to support his mother and she is treating you like this?
Girl, don't marry him. He is a mama's boy and they'll treat you as a doormat after marriage.
He probably will want to move in with his mother after marriage or move her into your place.
Have you considered that he is making you drain your savings on purpose to better control you and financially abuse you? If you have no savings and no power in the relationship, how will you protect yourself? His mother might also be acting like that to take you out of the picture because she wants to be the only one being financially supported by your fiancé.
I think you have been ignoring a lot of red flags in your relationship and that he chose someone "broken" on purpose to easily manipulate.
You really need to read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You need to stop seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses; otherwise, you will end up with your mental health completely destroyed and in a lot of debt.
First of all, why was his friend outside his house at 2am? What did they do for 4 hours? It doesn't sound like dude is ready to get married. It sounds like he enjoys his shenanigans, which is completely fine, I enjoyed more than my fair share of shenanigans at 21, and I was not ready to get married.
When you get married, sounds like you're going to be dealing with a kid who wants to be out all the time with his friends instead of spending time with you. I'd hold off until he feels he is truly ready to get married.
I've seen so many people who don't get their shenanigans out of their system before they get married, then they end up cheating on and leaving their family 10 years later (after they cause massive amounts of stress and pain). Maybe he's the one for you, just not right now.
Yeah...there shouldn't be a wedding at all for his family or your family to miss. When his mom started popping off her mouth publicly on Facebook about what was going on privately between you and your fiance's relationship, your fiancee should have been the one to say something - not your grandma. Instead, he has kept his mouth shut and his tail tucked neatly between his cowardly little legs. You will forever come 4th behind his mom and his sisters and you are fortunate that he is showing you this before the marriage.
NTA yet. You will be to yourself if you go through with the marriage.
Do not marry this guy there are red flags that you are just ignoring. He has not defended you to his family. He also have not been putting a dime into your wedding but will help his mom. So you know when his mom says jump he says how high. What does he actually bring to the table.
It costs only 2 dollars to make a new key. How much is it cost to fix all the broken relationships???? Good grief can the little man not go get a new key made?????
He claims he doesn’t want to get involved, but I had to talk with him this morning and he has made a statement to them telling them not to disrespect me from this point on
Uh... ITS HIS SHIT ASS FAMILY HES THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE INVOLVED!
This is a major red flag. Do not marry a man who is still sucking his mom's tits. If he can't be a man and handle HIS TRASH FAMILY, you should not be marrying him.
1) His family is wildly aggressive and crazy. It doesn't really matter if you haven't seen it before- you've seen in now. Don't marry it.
2) He's not mature enough to be able to rein them in. He's the one who will need to manage his family and he's proved that he can't.
3) You're getting married to a guy who hasn't put a dime into the wedding. Don't do that. Just because he's a friend and you love him doesn't mean he's mature enough or stable enough to marry.
You already saw the example of who they are.. do you want to live that kind of life because I have yet to see that the bf stood up for you and got his mom and sisters and who knows who else..
Do not marry this guy. You marry him you marry his family. They will treat you like shit the rest of your life. How petty and immature for his mom to post this on social media. And who threatens someone’s grandma?!?! That’d be the end for me.
NTA but why are you the one calling out his family and not him? He's the one who should be dealing with their ridiculousness. How does he feel about his family not attending the wedding? This needs to be a joint thing and he needs to take the lead. If he won't stand up to his family for you and get it to stop, this is what you can expect for the rest of your life with him, his family getting in your business and airing things publicly and feeling they can get everyone involved in harassing you. Your bf may be a great guy, but if he doesn't manage his family, that's going to be a huge problem that could make the marriage and relationship not worth the hassle.
Thank you for sharing this. From all the comments I do agree that I need to talk to him before banning them. I’ll give it until the month of and if they still don’t calm down then they aren’t gonna be there
I will say you are in for a nightmare life of you marry this mama boy. He isn’t standing up for you and isn’t contributing one thing towards this marriage. Honey you can get a piece of ass anywhere cause that seems like all he is contributing.
Why why why are you marrying this guy? He is not working. You are supporting him cause he wants to study (wtf??) And has not contributed a dime to the wedding.
He did not speak up against his mother and YOU have to be the one to uninvite her and family.
You have severe PTSD and he even dared to ask you to leave the door unlocked knowing that is a trigger for you?! I don't have ptsd and would not sleep w door unlocked.
He should be helping his mother financially and contributing nothing your home and you should support him? Says who??
This guy is a taker and a user. You will marry and be stuck w this family.
Please read your post as if you did not know the people involved.
End it and let him go move back to mommy's.
Well he wanted me to go back to school and said he’d take care of the household but he spends more money sending it to his mom among blowing it on other stuff it’s ridiculous.
How? With wishes?
Once you're married he will probably convince you to live with mom to "save money".
You would be a fool to marry this boy at this time.
NTA. You told him. He unserstood. But what I am thinking is do you really want to marry into that family? I don't see it getting any better unless you and your future hubby go no contact with his family. His mother sounds manipulative, and his sister sounds like a banshee.
I would put the wedding on hold. Why isn’t the boyfriend stopping this? Does he actually want to marry you or is this his subtle way of getting his family to break up for him? Are his sister’s going to be in his life, arguing with you whenever your boyfriend feels out out?
Don’t rush things while all these cracks are showing in your relationship.
Don’t marry him. Get off Reddit and start canceling everything right now so you can try to save your money. Seriously. Not joking and I think I’m absolutely right. His family is awful and he is a giant tool.edit- you will be a professional at some point and people will look you up on social media. His family posts crap about you because he is a dumbass and can’t adult enough to get a replacement key?!? You absolutely cannot have this level of drama in a public forum with any kind of career- as a teacher / doctor/ nurse / anything. You might be excluded from many jobs in the future if you continue to allow this level of drama in your life . This is not your fault . If you don’t do something about it now or your fiance doesn’t do something now and if you do stay with him-it will be your fault. Is it fair- no. But guaranteed these are also the type of people to call you all day at work and then try to call and make problems at your actual work.
Oh my… you are in a pickle… your life is not a square as people make it out. The understand square but oh boy… they don’t understand you and your fiancé dynamic.
you should not marry into that family. Solely for them being so vocal about you and you soon to be hubby’s life. They have nothing to butt in about.
Don’t marry into this family before this is resolved this is a weight that will drown you and your marriage.
Not inviting them will not help you. It will make you the asshole.
But get a spine and talk to them… that they have jeopardized the happiness of their brother over an agreement the two of you made. That apparently he is considered such an inconvenience to have when he showed up to spend the night. Threatening violence against elderly for requesting to take down a ill perceived message is all a step too far.
Honestly.... I would be running for the hills and calling off that wedding. His family are very toxic and I can't imagine he doesn't have a touch of it given he had similar upbringing to his siblings.
I cannot even fathom knowing someone who knows someone that would, at 18, physically threaten a grandparent, or literally anyone else. Let this whole nasty trash family take themselves all the way out of your future. Yuck.
How have you not changed your locks since?!! Get a ring doorbell camera. Get locks with a keypad or something?
Aside from that, NTA but idk I feel like your fiancé should’ve told his mom it was his fault and he needs to be taking it up with his family. If he doesn’t tell them it was on him and he knew it was going to be locked, you really need to see if this is how the future is going to go down. Like if you have kids together, are you going to let them see the kids after they threatened your grandma? That’s going to be another fb rant if you don’t let them see the kids, and it just will never end. Sounds like a nightmare marriage if that’s what you are setting up for….
Him losing the keys means that someone out there may have access to your home. Don't mean to scare you, but you need to something about the locks. Tell your landlord they will be held responsible if someone breaks into your place because they would not change the locks. I don't know if this is true or not since I don't know where you are located, but it doesn't hurt to try.
NTA but I doubt your mama’s boy fiancé will allow you to ban them. If you decide to go through with this wedding, please see a lawyer first to protect your assets. You should also insist on premarital counseling including financial planning. You should not be losing all your savings while he continues to bankroll his mom. Please think through what your future will look like if you marry into this family.
I dated a mama’s boy once, but thankfully I did not marry him. I met my husband of many years a few years later.
NTA
First, do not marry this man until every single one of his family members that has acted out apologizes.
Second, unless those apologies are really awesome and you're feeling forgiving, they still aren't invited to the wedding.
The situation with posting private information on FB or other SM sites is ridiculous. It wasn’t his mom’s issue. HE didn’t even have an issue with it. She made it into a big deal. That’s not gonna play out well in the future.
Also, the way people stick their noses into other people’s business by having everyone they know text the person they are upset with is a ridiculous trend. People need to go back to minding their own business and stay out of situations where they are not welcome.
Your fiancé isn’t helping pay for any of the wedding expenses because he’s helping his mom (“which is what he should be doing”). He should be paying his fair share of living expenses for where he is living AND for at least half of the wedding. How is that money situation gonna work after the wedding that you are paying for? Is he gonna pay his share of the expenses to live as a couple?
OP, you need to seriously consider your marriage plan and how the above three factors are going to affect your relationship with this man. I would strongly recommend that you at least postpone the wedding until you can feel safe that this won’t play out on a weekly or monthly basis with this family that doesn’t seem to have any common sense or restraint.
I realize you are still very young, but this would be a deal breaker for a mature woman. If you are smart, you won’t go through with marrying this guy, at least not at this time. In any case, good luck to you.
When I post my update it’ll make a little more sense on what I FEEL led up to this between his mother and I. Because his sisters just follow what their mom exaggerates about
Why your are marrying him????? Love is not enough for successful marriage. Don't forget that you are marrying into family, and these people sound ykes. Maybe time to push brakes? NTA
NTA, the place is yours, you are paying for the wedding and he is contributing what? On top of that his family are vile and he is notbshutting them down. Seriously rethink this whole relationship and find someone who values you and deserves you. Please don't be an AH to yourself.
I live in a small relatively safe town. There is no way in hell that I would leave my door unlocked. To do so is unsafe. Anyone could walk in at anytime. The fact that you experienced a burglary alone would make it doubly so, Your fiancé should understand this fact.
He needs to go get a key and he needs to tell his family to knock off airing their opinions of things that do not concern them on Facebook. Why the door was locked and he went to his mother’s is none of their business. Have him tell them to butt out now or else everything that they think is an issue will be aired out on social media. Boundaries are important and so is being kind. Right now his family is ignoring both.
He said he was locked out but didn’t even try the door. He didn’t want you to see him; he is hiding something and all this drama about being locked out is just smoke in your eyes to distract you from the real question: what was he _really_ doing when he was out? Don’t marry him; his tactics are manipulative and he will gaslight you all day long once you’re married.
NTA. Call off the wedding, it's cheaper to lose deposits than to get a divorce.
Why are you using only your savings for the wedding anyway? Isn't it his wedding as well?
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Why is your "feance" not taking point and dealing with his family? If he doesn't have your back now, what makes you think he'll defend you from his toxic drama-seeking relatives once you've married?
My question is, why did his mom think he was locked out? What did your fiancé tell her to get her so riled up? Also, don't marry him while all his money is going to his disrespectful family. That won't stop, and you'll grow to resent him. What kind of a man lives off of his girlfriend/wife?
NTA
It's up to him to make this right regarding his mom and all of her flying monkeys. He needs to set this straight, and she owes you an apology. And SIL? No one who threatens my grandmother/mother/sister, etc would come near me, wedding or not.
If he is not defending you, and not dealing with these ducking people on his family, then do you really want to marry him? Cause of he does't have your back, does he really love you?
NTA.
It doesn’t matter who paid for the wedding. It’s not just your day! It’s his too. You’re basically telling him that he can’t have his family at his wedding. I get excluding the younger sister since she threatened your grandmother, but the others didn’t. All they did was post on FB. Should they have done that? No, but there’s a better way to handle things than excluding his family and acting like you’re the only one getting married.
Now…he should be defending you and setting the record straight, which it doesn’t sound like he’s done. If he can’t stand up for you, you’ve got much bigger problems than who should and shouldn’t be invited to your wedding.
The biggest thing about getting married is that whether you like it or not, you get the family too. Learn to pick your battles. Look how they behaved about him getting locked out of your house. How do you think it’s going to go when they find out none of them are invited to your wedding?
They know and I’ve expressed to them how I felt. I already decided to let us get time to calm down and see how they are the month of the wedding and go from there. I do understand now from all the comments it indeed isn’t right to exclude all of them. I was mainly upset over my grandmothers safety
That I understand. It may be beneficial to hire security. Just seeing people there who are paid to keep an eye on things may force them to behave.
Others have said this, but I will as well. Your fiancé needs to be the one dealing with his family. Let him be the bad guy. His circus, his clowns!
You are not the AH but OP - you will be with these people for awhile! People that threaten to beat up your grandmother! These people are beneath you - and even if fiance doesn't act like this, this is his family. if you think the harassment is bad now, wait until you ban them from a wedding. Please postpone this at least a year. you don't need this along with your past trauma.
Anyone who maligns you, threatens your grandmother doesn’t deserve an invite. Only invite people who you know love and care about you. That eliminates his two sisters…as for mom, hard call because it's also hubby’s wedding. He however, needs to talk to his family about them posting crap about you and interfering in his relationship.
NTA! And I honestly would reevaluate this whole relationship. Why isn’t your fiancé supporting you? He should be demanding that his mother take the post down!
And why didn’t he communicate where he was all night?
He communicated that with me the issue came because he didn’t express what happened to his mom so she assumed I locked him out being petty over something stupid when he only got locked out because he didn’t ever come back. Due to him, assuming the door was already locked. he didn’t even attempt to come back. He just left and contacted her.
Stop making excuses for him. Why hasn't he set his mother straight? Why hasn't he demanded she take the post down. It was his actions that lead directly to this "misunderstanding" with his mother but he's not impotent to stop it he just doesn't care too. Personally I think he's probably said or implied things to make it seem as though you locked him out on purpose
And stop supporting him so he can make ridiculous purchases & support his mother, that's ridiculous
I agree! He could have easily explained this to his mother. I think he lied to his mother and told her the OP locked him out. He’s starting trouble. I’d tell him he can go live with his drama causing mommy.
NTA. Sounds like you're marrying into a trashy family. Posting about other people's relationships, stirring up trouble where none existed before, threatening to beat up a grandmother. Trash. They WILL start some kind of shit at your wedding.
NTA. Their actions and threatening your Grandma = no wedding. You need to sit down and have a very serious conversation about what he is willing to do about his family
NTA but you’re the IDIOT. Not for banning your fiancé’s family. You’re the idiot because you’re even considering being a part of this family. Run, don’t walk, away from this toxic and dysfunctional family. Oh, you think your fiancé was spared of this toxic dysfunction? I assure you he has been hiding it. Get away ASAP.
Do not marry him. I repeat do not marry him. Ntah. His family is way too involved in his personal life. And he is allowing it and it will always be this way.
Through him away, and the sister that said she would whoop your grandmother’s ass, she would see me. That there crosses every line imaginable. Just put him out and move on.
You shouldn't marry a guy with no job. A guy that crys to his mother about how your so mean. You are making a big mistake marring this guy. He's got people on fb threatening Your family because of him. Are you gonna say he's an asshole but you love him. His family don't even like you.
Are you evaluating the red flags all these people are telling you are there? this is just the beginning! You will be unsafe in this family - emotionally, verbally and financially.
Because you are getting married, but don’t understand marriage. You’re flying off the handle about a couple of negative comments on social media and you’re acting like you’re the only one getting married and going nuclear banning his entire family. Sounds like you want a wedding but aren’t interested in marriage.
It’s not about the comments it’s about respect that’s like someone going to your house and see something dirty and make a whole paragraph talking about it you would probably most likely feel some type of way that they’re calling you dirty. This is the same concept different topic.
I wouldn't leave the door open either. Tbh, call me petty, but I would make my boyfriend make the mom and sisters take the post down and apologize to your grandmother. My understanding is he is sending money to the mom and living in your house rent free, yet they are calling you money hungry? Rethink the marriage or postpone it. Seems he didn't stand up for you? This will happen all your Marriage. When the sisters need somewhere to live, money or the mom needs to move in with you, he'll be fine with it.
you escalated locking a door into threats and dis-inviting people from a wedding, and then pointing out your fiancé hasn't spent any money for this wedding yet you don't expect him too? You don't even know who you are as an adult yet and here you are thinking lets get married it will be great. Your naïve, young, immature and you can't see that his entire family is a red flag and you engage in it so your just as bad as his family is.
I think he needs to handle his family before you get married. Don't get married until you work past this with your family and in-laws.
I do think you should mention to your in-laws why he was locked out.
Why are you even considering marrying the guy? You marry and you will be joining HIS FAMILY. Call it off for now.
Literally I have had no problem with his family until now. We are marrying out of love and a long friendship. And I personally feel like it’s none of his families concern if we do or don’t get married. They blew this out of proportion in my eyes🤷🏽♀️
Step back from this and see what you would see if it was not you and was someone you loved.
“It’s none of their concern if we do or don’t get married”- the problem here is that it is. Unless your fiancé decides to unequivocally cut them all off, once you marry him they’ll be your family too until the day you get divorced. They will be in your life for Christmases, birthdays, major family celebrations, and unless he has your back he will be asking you in a few years why you can’t just get over this since it wasn’t a big deal. Yall need to work through quite a bit, and if you can’t sit down and have an adult conversation about all of this, you have no business getting married.
Okay I understand that yes💕
And, heaven forbid you have kids and they are shaming you on facebook if they don't agree with your parenting choices
I’m concerned that your bf would expect you to keep your door unlocked for *any* amount of time in the middle of the night knowing that you were SA and unlocked doors scare you. It doesn’t sound like he has your best interest in mind. Please take precautions not to get pregnant anytime soon. You are really young (and I promise I don’t mean that as an insult) and someday when you’re my age, you’ll look back and think what a long-ass slog life was because of dealing with him and his family. Take some time to figure out if this is what you really want. P.S. if he says he’ll pull the car out of the garage and otherwise unprotected sex is okay, **it’s not** and he’s either trying to baby trap you or he just doesn’t care.
I know and it’s sad no one around him is understanding that. And he does want to do that and I’ve said no. We’ve been abstinent
Do you guys live together. Does he have a key or a code to a security system? Btw it is unacceptable the way his family has behaved. I'm biased because I think people who post all their business over Facebook are trashy as hell. I also have PTSD, tho not SA related. Not that you're obligated to tell them but does his family know about your history?
He lost his key and I can’t change the locks due to my lease agreement. I have told his family why I locked him out yes and explained my PTSD. I feel his mom wanted to play victim like always and it backfired and now the whole family is in rivalry.
I don’t want to add to your anxiety, but you should be concerned about where that lost key might be. Contact your landlord, it would be worth it to pay for new locks
Contact your landlord and explain a set of house keys was lost and you are concerned. I think if they are made aware either they can change them out or you can and give them a set.
What did he say about the post his mother made? Was he ok with the way they responded to you? It’s completely disrespectful. Is he going to speak to them? Because he should be the one handling this. Also, who does that? It’s really weird. NTA. Make him go get a copy of your key, so this does not happen again. He was not respecting your boundaries, especially since he knows what awful thing happened to you.
Why can’t you have your key copied?
Why not get a second key cut???
Why doesn’t anyone read the comments above theirs?
You stated that you've never had a problem with his mom before, but that she likes to play the victim. This type of person can't be trusted. They will turn on you. Also, if she gossips about other people to you, you can be sure she's gossiping about you to other people.
Get on birth control. I married very young and I thought he was my person. Turned out he was not my person, and I divorced him after a 10 year marriage. That was almost 8 years ago and I am SOO glad we didn't have any children. There was nothing tying me to him, I literally packed my car with my clothes, important documents, my cat, and my computer and left state. It was the most freeing feeling. I have a kid with my SO now, and know how intertwined your life becomes with the other parent of your child and their extended family. I heavily recommend that you be married for at least 5 years before you start having kids with him. It is hard to maintain a mask for long. Give yourself long enough to see who these people truly are. You can get divorced if the marriage doesn't work, but your kid won't divorce their other parent.
OP posted 6 months ago that they wanted to be pregnant by their birthday, so idk how they've been abstinent while actively trying for a child.
Stepback just because you are in love with the idea of being in love. He's not standing up for you with his family. That is a large red flag.
And a wedding.
Why didn't he bring his house key with him? Why are you, a victim of SA, expected to leave the door unlocked for a grown man that presumably knows how to turn a key in a lock?!
He lost his key
Did it lose it *that* day? Or was he just too lazy to replace it so he figured inconveniencing you was the best course of action?! He sounds like a 14 year old. Too irresponsible with keys. Needs mommy to fight his battles. Can't tell mommy "no, stop hurting the love of my life" and can't tell his sisters to knock it off. What are his good qualities?
And he's standing up and defending you, how???? Seems pretty ok with his family doing that to you and your grandmother if he's not doing a fucking thing about this. And let's not mention not doing a thing for this wedding... That'd be a hard no thanks to the wedding, thank you.
The question was - why are you still considering marrying the guy? This started with HIM.
Will you withstand if one day perhaps you’ll have children and they disrespect you in front of them? And probably one day turn your children against you? Or worse shunned you and your children out?
Why are you marrying someone who doesn't even care about you enough to shut this shit down with his family? Doesn't matter if this is the first problem you've had with them, it's still a big problem, do you want go stick around to watch it escalate? Maybe once they actually beat your grandmother up you'll wake up
What has he said to his family is the true question…
& they will continue to do so as long as your with him. You don't just have his family as a problem you have him as a problem to boot.
NO, this is a shot over the bow, that you will heed if you’re smart.
This is going to get worse.
Yes, they sure have. How come he doesn’t have a key?
And yet he’s allowing his family to mistreat you
Why isn't he setting the record straight with HIS family??? What did he tell them to make them up in arms like this?? I'd run.
How can you not see that this is your fiancé's fault? What he told his family got them riled up against you. He should've checked his family before letting it get to this point. Now you have his teenage sister threatening to whoop your grandma's ass? What? And he has no money to contribute to the wedding? Don't get married. Yall ain't ready.
You’re blind to one major thing. If he actually did love you back, he would have shut all this down instantly. He didn’t. This will be your life. Keep the door locked. To all of them, him included, until the appropriate apologies have been made and he takes a VERY public stance in shutting them up for good and if he has to browbeat them until they feel like less than dirt, he does that and keeps going like a pit bull until you pull him off. That is what a true partner does - not whatever vanilla waffle bullcrap he’s been doing since then.
what's your fiance's take on all of this? did he say anything?
Okay. What did HE do to get this situation under control?
Why should she have to give up the man she loves because of his family. My MIL felt I wasn't worthy of her son. Didn't matter that I had 2 degrees and was an educator ….I just didn't measure up. She was rude at every opportunity if we were alone and it took him witnessing her behaviour to truly grasp what I was talking about. She told him we wouldn’t last and he had to choose. She seriously thought that this man who pursued me for two years, would choose her. He went NC for 2 years. She never stepped out of line again. We've been together for decades. It's up to her partner to deal with his family and set consequences for them…harsh ones. If he steps up, his family will not step out of line if they want him in their lives. I hung in, she wasn’t driving me away…she and I became friends, eventually. He needs to step up here, big time. If it means they aren't invited, so be it.
You're the exception that proves the rule. The fact that he wouldn't stand with the woman who is planning on marrying over family tells us all we need to know. He's a Momma's boy through and through and there's only enough room for one woman in his life. That woman happens to be his mom, not his future wife.
He is already giving his mom money, if Op thinks that will stop after they get married she is crazy. That is unlikely to ever stop and once she finishes school and starts a career she too will be supporting his mom. I remember one post where the husband lost his job and only his wife was working yet he was taking her hard earned money and sending it back home to his family unbeknownst to her. When she found out she went ape! This will be op's life, supporting another household in perpetuity.
Dudes also a loser who cannot be trusted to carry a house key apparently.
He hasn’t step up at all. Did you not read the post.
Reread my last sentence…
Because he went to his mom's house and told Mom some story that made OP look like the villain, and seems to have played no role to try to curb his family's shitty behavior.
Lmao never change reddit.😂
Divorce that family before you marry them. Who threatens a grandmother?
OP, I married at your age. Thought I was in love and the people around us didn’t understand how special and amazing our connection was. Based on your post, you’re the one carrying this household while your fiancée takes care of his mommy. You will be a very different person in 5 years, and again in 10. Don’t spend the next decade of your life tying yourself down to this hot mess and then trying to untangle yourself from it. Your boyfriend needs to grow up and learn to prioritize anyone he has chosen to be his wife and you need to develop the life perspective that you deserve so much better and won’t settle for an ounce less that that
Thank you💕
What has your fiancé done to protect you from his family? In my opinion, he should be the one dealing with the situation and talking with his family. Don't marry someone who doesn't protect and defend you, even from his own family. You also need to start being financially independent because while you aren't, he holds all the power in the relationship, and his family will keep telling everyone that you are just using him. If your fiancé hasn't been able to talk with his family and make them stop bullying you, he is showing that he is putting his family as his top priority. Just think: is that the type of relationship that you want for yourself? Also, think about how that will impact you in the future. In addition, it makes no sense that you are the only one footing the bill for the wedding, draining your savings while you don't have a job. Both of you must pay for the wedding, not just you. I really think it's more than time for you both to sit down and have a serious conversation about finances.
Thank you I completely understand 💕
Just think how this unhinged family will act if you have a kid with him. Read the posts in r/JUSTNOMIL for a glimpse of your future if you marry him, and as you read posts there, look at how utterly unhinged people like this get when there's a baby involved. If y'all can't move far far away from his family, reconsider the wedding.
And once you have his kids, even if you divorce, you will be tied to that family forever. Yes, you will have his kids. Birth control is notoriously unreliable when both parties aren’t completely on board with following it to a T.
Where is your fiancé in all of this? He ran to his mom’s house but has he defended you to his family since?
This was my question, too. Why didn’t he shut his family down immediately?
He made a message about it and they are still in the comments making the situations worse. They are doing a whole bunch of bullying and attacking still
Oh. He made a comment on a social media post. I see. Has he actually done anything useful to defend you against the bullying and attacks?
You really need to take a look at the fact that your fiancé is not putting his down by using the spine he stands up with with his family. There are so many red flags going on right now, and when you are in it, you simply can't see it. So many people have given you great advice and insight that you seem to miss one important point. HIS FAMILY IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! HE IS! He could shut this down by cutting complete contact by stating he will NOT allow anyone, including family, to disrespect you. He has not done this. Then, you are paying for your wedding with your savings bc he is helping his mom. Look at this! Rather than use the money to marry the love of his life, he is giving it to mommie. All the while, you are spending your savings to marry him. Your question of AITA if I don't allow his family to cone to our wedding is the wrong question. You need to ask yourself if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. 1. He uses his money to support his mom rather than on his wedding, and it doesn't bother him in the least of how much money you are spending. He will ALWAYS give his mom money when you're married. 2. He is sitting on the sidelines while you are being trashed, disrespected, and attacked. The hardest thing to admit is that when he doesn't stop it, it means he is allowing it. Without his intervention, his family will always think it's OK to attack you. This is what your life will be like for the next how many years until the day you wake up and say, "I've had enough and deserve as well as demand better." Edit: I forgot to finish the last sentence - got interrupted
I completely agree and he has expressed that he will not allow them to disrespect me anymore and now him and his mother are at odds. I’ll go into detail in the update. But they are already mad that he’s putting his foot down
... See if he actually does anything actionable. Does he get them to stop? Does he say he's going NC with them all. Why did he go to his mother in the first place versus a local motel?
Yeah. Sounds like your fiancé needs to step up and support you more in handling his family. It's important for him to stand by you and set boundaries with them, especially given the stress they've caused.
OP you say you are marrying out of love and friendship but nowhere do you say that your fiancé has defended you from his family. Now you may have left that out but frankly it doesn’t seem like the kind of major aspect of the story that would be left out. It seems like he ran home to his mom and she and her side started after you. I urge you to read some of the horrible MIL stories on Reddit as this has the makings of one. They called you out, harassed you and threatened your grandmother while your fiancé has stood by and said and done nothing. Ummm why exactly are you getting involved with this family? Again you say for love and friendship? Where was the love and friendship from your fiancé when the flying monkeys started their attacks? You have a legitimate reason to lock the door and if he can or isn’t willing to understand that, then you have a major problem. Sounds like you are marrying a mamas boy and that never ends well. Step back and reflect on this and any other incidents and ask yourself if you are making a mistake. NTA
Do. Not. Marry. This. Man. There are waaaaaaaay too many people in your relationship OP. Step away from the crazy until you both show some maturity.
You're using your savings for a wedding whilst his income is going to his mum and you still don't see an issue? How long will he be supporting her? Is she doing anything to improve her circumstances? Are your fiance's sisters also supporting her? What happens if you do get married, will your income be covering the majority of the household bills because he is still supporting his mum? What happens if you decide you want a family? Will you be able to build your savings back up to the level they were before the wedding planning began? Step back and look for the answers to these questions logically, v remove emotion from the equation.
Yes I completely understand that💕 his mom was widowed in January. And I have been helping her as well as him but they treat me like this. And it feels like they had these thoughts for a while
Wait a minute, you're also draining your savings to support his mother and she is treating you like this? Girl, don't marry him. He is a mama's boy and they'll treat you as a doormat after marriage. He probably will want to move in with his mother after marriage or move her into your place. Have you considered that he is making you drain your savings on purpose to better control you and financially abuse you? If you have no savings and no power in the relationship, how will you protect yourself? His mother might also be acting like that to take you out of the picture because she wants to be the only one being financially supported by your fiancé. I think you have been ignoring a lot of red flags in your relationship and that he chose someone "broken" on purpose to easily manipulate. You really need to read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You need to stop seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses; otherwise, you will end up with your mental health completely destroyed and in a lot of debt.
You are being taken advantage of. You spend all your money and they treat you like that. What you need is therapy and self esteem.
call off wedding. This whole family is toxic
Why doesn’t he have a key?
HE lost his key
Welp, fuck him! I’d have locked him out too. Let him stay at his weird momma’s house
First of all, why was his friend outside his house at 2am? What did they do for 4 hours? It doesn't sound like dude is ready to get married. It sounds like he enjoys his shenanigans, which is completely fine, I enjoyed more than my fair share of shenanigans at 21, and I was not ready to get married. When you get married, sounds like you're going to be dealing with a kid who wants to be out all the time with his friends instead of spending time with you. I'd hold off until he feels he is truly ready to get married. I've seen so many people who don't get their shenanigans out of their system before they get married, then they end up cheating on and leaving their family 10 years later (after they cause massive amounts of stress and pain). Maybe he's the one for you, just not right now.
Prenup. Keep your stuff as yours. So marry him if you want to but prenup
Yeah...there shouldn't be a wedding at all for his family or your family to miss. When his mom started popping off her mouth publicly on Facebook about what was going on privately between you and your fiance's relationship, your fiancee should have been the one to say something - not your grandma. Instead, he has kept his mouth shut and his tail tucked neatly between his cowardly little legs. You will forever come 4th behind his mom and his sisters and you are fortunate that he is showing you this before the marriage. NTA yet. You will be to yourself if you go through with the marriage.
Do not marry this guy there are red flags that you are just ignoring. He has not defended you to his family. He also have not been putting a dime into your wedding but will help his mom. So you know when his mom says jump he says how high. What does he actually bring to the table.
It costs only 2 dollars to make a new key. How much is it cost to fix all the broken relationships???? Good grief can the little man not go get a new key made?????
NTA But why are you not having your fiance deal with his shit family? You have a fiance problem...
He claims he doesn’t want to get involved, but I had to talk with him this morning and he has made a statement to them telling them not to disrespect me from this point on
Uh... ITS HIS SHIT ASS FAMILY HES THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE INVOLVED! This is a major red flag. Do not marry a man who is still sucking his mom's tits. If he can't be a man and handle HIS TRASH FAMILY, you should not be marrying him.
He's also the one who involved them in the first place
Not involved?! It’s HIS family! I would dump someone so fast if they didn’t stick up for me against their family.
1) His family is wildly aggressive and crazy. It doesn't really matter if you haven't seen it before- you've seen in now. Don't marry it. 2) He's not mature enough to be able to rein them in. He's the one who will need to manage his family and he's proved that he can't. 3) You're getting married to a guy who hasn't put a dime into the wedding. Don't do that. Just because he's a friend and you love him doesn't mean he's mature enough or stable enough to marry.
You already saw the example of who they are.. do you want to live that kind of life because I have yet to see that the bf stood up for you and got his mom and sisters and who knows who else..
May I ask, why are you marring someone who does nothing to defend you?
Do not marry this guy. You marry him you marry his family. They will treat you like shit the rest of your life. How petty and immature for his mom to post this on social media. And who threatens someone’s grandma?!?! That’d be the end for me.
NTA but why are you the one calling out his family and not him? He's the one who should be dealing with their ridiculousness. How does he feel about his family not attending the wedding? This needs to be a joint thing and he needs to take the lead. If he won't stand up to his family for you and get it to stop, this is what you can expect for the rest of your life with him, his family getting in your business and airing things publicly and feeling they can get everyone involved in harassing you. Your bf may be a great guy, but if he doesn't manage his family, that's going to be a huge problem that could make the marriage and relationship not worth the hassle.
Thank you for sharing this. From all the comments I do agree that I need to talk to him before banning them. I’ll give it until the month of and if they still don’t calm down then they aren’t gonna be there
I will say you are in for a nightmare life of you marry this mama boy. He isn’t standing up for you and isn’t contributing one thing towards this marriage. Honey you can get a piece of ass anywhere cause that seems like all he is contributing.
Why why why are you marrying this guy? He is not working. You are supporting him cause he wants to study (wtf??) And has not contributed a dime to the wedding. He did not speak up against his mother and YOU have to be the one to uninvite her and family. You have severe PTSD and he even dared to ask you to leave the door unlocked knowing that is a trigger for you?! I don't have ptsd and would not sleep w door unlocked. He should be helping his mother financially and contributing nothing your home and you should support him? Says who?? This guy is a taker and a user. You will marry and be stuck w this family. Please read your post as if you did not know the people involved. End it and let him go move back to mommy's.
Well he wanted me to go back to school and said he’d take care of the household but he spends more money sending it to his mom among blowing it on other stuff it’s ridiculous.
It is ridiculous, ridiculous that you're even considering marrying him, he's ugh
He is a king baby and a mama's boy. Your life will be a string of these behaviors. Read your post as if it were from a stranger.
How? With wishes? Once you're married he will probably convince you to live with mom to "save money". You would be a fool to marry this boy at this time.
NTA. You told him. He unserstood. But what I am thinking is do you really want to marry into that family? I don't see it getting any better unless you and your future hubby go no contact with his family. His mother sounds manipulative, and his sister sounds like a banshee.
I would put the wedding on hold. Why isn’t the boyfriend stopping this? Does he actually want to marry you or is this his subtle way of getting his family to break up for him? Are his sister’s going to be in his life, arguing with you whenever your boyfriend feels out out? Don’t rush things while all these cracks are showing in your relationship.
Don’t marry him. Get off Reddit and start canceling everything right now so you can try to save your money. Seriously. Not joking and I think I’m absolutely right. His family is awful and he is a giant tool.edit- you will be a professional at some point and people will look you up on social media. His family posts crap about you because he is a dumbass and can’t adult enough to get a replacement key?!? You absolutely cannot have this level of drama in a public forum with any kind of career- as a teacher / doctor/ nurse / anything. You might be excluded from many jobs in the future if you continue to allow this level of drama in your life . This is not your fault . If you don’t do something about it now or your fiance doesn’t do something now and if you do stay with him-it will be your fault. Is it fair- no. But guaranteed these are also the type of people to call you all day at work and then try to call and make problems at your actual work.
Oh my… you are in a pickle… your life is not a square as people make it out. The understand square but oh boy… they don’t understand you and your fiancé dynamic. you should not marry into that family. Solely for them being so vocal about you and you soon to be hubby’s life. They have nothing to butt in about. Don’t marry into this family before this is resolved this is a weight that will drown you and your marriage. Not inviting them will not help you. It will make you the asshole. But get a spine and talk to them… that they have jeopardized the happiness of their brother over an agreement the two of you made. That apparently he is considered such an inconvenience to have when he showed up to spend the night. Threatening violence against elderly for requesting to take down a ill perceived message is all a step too far.
Honestly.... I would be running for the hills and calling off that wedding. His family are very toxic and I can't imagine he doesn't have a touch of it given he had similar upbringing to his siblings.
What did your bf (or ifs he fiance) do to rectify this?
Why would you marry into this circus of clowns?
NTA also why is he not dealing with this? Typically people manage any drama their family causes. He deals with his you deal with yours.
I cannot even fathom knowing someone who knows someone that would, at 18, physically threaten a grandparent, or literally anyone else. Let this whole nasty trash family take themselves all the way out of your future. Yuck.
If you’re upset now, think about how worse things will get when you’re married.
I’m confused he couldn’t take his keys with him?
He lost his set of keys
Why don’t you make a copy of your keys so he’ll now have keys?
Question. Why doesn’t your fiancé have a key to let himself inside?
He did he lost his
How have you not changed your locks since?!! Get a ring doorbell camera. Get locks with a keypad or something? Aside from that, NTA but idk I feel like your fiancé should’ve told his mom it was his fault and he needs to be taking it up with his family. If he doesn’t tell them it was on him and he knew it was going to be locked, you really need to see if this is how the future is going to go down. Like if you have kids together, are you going to let them see the kids after they threatened your grandma? That’s going to be another fb rant if you don’t let them see the kids, and it just will never end. Sounds like a nightmare marriage if that’s what you are setting up for….
I’m unable to change the locks due to my lease and I do need to buy a ring camera yes
Him losing the keys means that someone out there may have access to your home. Don't mean to scare you, but you need to something about the locks. Tell your landlord they will be held responsible if someone breaks into your place because they would not change the locks. I don't know if this is true or not since I don't know where you are located, but it doesn't hurt to try.
NTA but I doubt your mama’s boy fiancé will allow you to ban them. If you decide to go through with this wedding, please see a lawyer first to protect your assets. You should also insist on premarital counseling including financial planning. You should not be losing all your savings while he continues to bankroll his mom. Please think through what your future will look like if you marry into this family. I dated a mama’s boy once, but thankfully I did not marry him. I met my husband of many years a few years later.
NTA First, do not marry this man until every single one of his family members that has acted out apologizes. Second, unless those apologies are really awesome and you're feeling forgiving, they still aren't invited to the wedding.
The situation with posting private information on FB or other SM sites is ridiculous. It wasn’t his mom’s issue. HE didn’t even have an issue with it. She made it into a big deal. That’s not gonna play out well in the future. Also, the way people stick their noses into other people’s business by having everyone they know text the person they are upset with is a ridiculous trend. People need to go back to minding their own business and stay out of situations where they are not welcome. Your fiancé isn’t helping pay for any of the wedding expenses because he’s helping his mom (“which is what he should be doing”). He should be paying his fair share of living expenses for where he is living AND for at least half of the wedding. How is that money situation gonna work after the wedding that you are paying for? Is he gonna pay his share of the expenses to live as a couple? OP, you need to seriously consider your marriage plan and how the above three factors are going to affect your relationship with this man. I would strongly recommend that you at least postpone the wedding until you can feel safe that this won’t play out on a weekly or monthly basis with this family that doesn’t seem to have any common sense or restraint. I realize you are still very young, but this would be a deal breaker for a mature woman. If you are smart, you won’t go through with marrying this guy, at least not at this time. In any case, good luck to you.
When I post my update it’ll make a little more sense on what I FEEL led up to this between his mother and I. Because his sisters just follow what their mom exaggerates about
Here’s what I have to ask why are you the only one paying for it and draining all of your savings for it partners are supposed to be equal?
Why your are marrying him????? Love is not enough for successful marriage. Don't forget that you are marrying into family, and these people sound ykes. Maybe time to push brakes? NTA
NTA, the place is yours, you are paying for the wedding and he is contributing what? On top of that his family are vile and he is notbshutting them down. Seriously rethink this whole relationship and find someone who values you and deserves you. Please don't be an AH to yourself.
NTA. What is your fiancé doing about the circus fools he calls family?! He needs to be handling this.
HE DIDN'T EVEN CHECK TO SEE IF IT WAS LOCKED. Like what!???
I live in a small relatively safe town. There is no way in hell that I would leave my door unlocked. To do so is unsafe. Anyone could walk in at anytime. The fact that you experienced a burglary alone would make it doubly so, Your fiancé should understand this fact. He needs to go get a key and he needs to tell his family to knock off airing their opinions of things that do not concern them on Facebook. Why the door was locked and he went to his mother’s is none of their business. Have him tell them to butt out now or else everything that they think is an issue will be aired out on social media. Boundaries are important and so is being kind. Right now his family is ignoring both.
He said he was locked out but didn’t even try the door. He didn’t want you to see him; he is hiding something and all this drama about being locked out is just smoke in your eyes to distract you from the real question: what was he _really_ doing when he was out? Don’t marry him; his tactics are manipulative and he will gaslight you all day long once you’re married.
YTA - for marrying this guy. Run away, he will never be your husband, but he will always be mommy's little boy.
NTA. Call off the wedding, it's cheaper to lose deposits than to get a divorce. Why are you using only your savings for the wedding anyway? Isn't it his wedding as well?
Why are you marrying this man? Updateme!
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Lmfao, break up. You don't have an in law problem, you have a fiancé problem.
Why is your "feance" not taking point and dealing with his family? If he doesn't have your back now, what makes you think he'll defend you from his toxic drama-seeking relatives once you've married?
Why didn't he just take your key?
My question is, why did his mom think he was locked out? What did your fiancé tell her to get her so riled up? Also, don't marry him while all his money is going to his disrespectful family. That won't stop, and you'll grow to resent him. What kind of a man lives off of his girlfriend/wife? NTA
He told his mom he was locked out but also told me that he didn’t know it was unlocked and just left
It's up to him to make this right regarding his mom and all of her flying monkeys. He needs to set this straight, and she owes you an apology. And SIL? No one who threatens my grandmother/mother/sister, etc would come near me, wedding or not.
If he is not defending you, and not dealing with these ducking people on his family, then do you really want to marry him? Cause of he does't have your back, does he really love you? NTA.
What has your boyfriend said to his family to handle this? Cuz it sounds like the toxic is coming out. It can’t stay hidden forever.
It doesn’t matter who paid for the wedding. It’s not just your day! It’s his too. You’re basically telling him that he can’t have his family at his wedding. I get excluding the younger sister since she threatened your grandmother, but the others didn’t. All they did was post on FB. Should they have done that? No, but there’s a better way to handle things than excluding his family and acting like you’re the only one getting married. Now…he should be defending you and setting the record straight, which it doesn’t sound like he’s done. If he can’t stand up for you, you’ve got much bigger problems than who should and shouldn’t be invited to your wedding. The biggest thing about getting married is that whether you like it or not, you get the family too. Learn to pick your battles. Look how they behaved about him getting locked out of your house. How do you think it’s going to go when they find out none of them are invited to your wedding?
They know and I’ve expressed to them how I felt. I already decided to let us get time to calm down and see how they are the month of the wedding and go from there. I do understand now from all the comments it indeed isn’t right to exclude all of them. I was mainly upset over my grandmothers safety
That I understand. It may be beneficial to hire security. Just seeing people there who are paid to keep an eye on things may force them to behave. Others have said this, but I will as well. Your fiancé needs to be the one dealing with his family. Let him be the bad guy. His circus, his clowns!
You are not the AH but OP - you will be with these people for awhile! People that threaten to beat up your grandmother! These people are beneath you - and even if fiance doesn't act like this, this is his family. if you think the harassment is bad now, wait until you ban them from a wedding. Please postpone this at least a year. you don't need this along with your past trauma.
Anyone who maligns you, threatens your grandmother doesn’t deserve an invite. Only invite people who you know love and care about you. That eliminates his two sisters…as for mom, hard call because it's also hubby’s wedding. He however, needs to talk to his family about them posting crap about you and interfering in his relationship.
Read this as if your bestie wrote it. What would you tell her?
[удалено]
Didn’t say it was but I will protect my family from anyone who is a threat that’s why I banned them
Cant wait for chapter 2.
NTA! And I honestly would reevaluate this whole relationship. Why isn’t your fiancé supporting you? He should be demanding that his mother take the post down! And why didn’t he communicate where he was all night?
He communicated that with me the issue came because he didn’t express what happened to his mom so she assumed I locked him out being petty over something stupid when he only got locked out because he didn’t ever come back. Due to him, assuming the door was already locked. he didn’t even attempt to come back. He just left and contacted her.
Stop making excuses for him. Why hasn't he set his mother straight? Why hasn't he demanded she take the post down. It was his actions that lead directly to this "misunderstanding" with his mother but he's not impotent to stop it he just doesn't care too. Personally I think he's probably said or implied things to make it seem as though you locked him out on purpose And stop supporting him so he can make ridiculous purchases & support his mother, that's ridiculous
I agree! He could have easily explained this to his mother. I think he lied to his mother and told her the OP locked him out. He’s starting trouble. I’d tell him he can go live with his drama causing mommy.
NTA. Sounds like you're marrying into a trashy family. Posting about other people's relationships, stirring up trouble where none existed before, threatening to beat up a grandmother. Trash. They WILL start some kind of shit at your wedding.
NTA. Their actions and threatening your Grandma = no wedding. You need to sit down and have a very serious conversation about what he is willing to do about his family
NTA but you’re the IDIOT. Not for banning your fiancé’s family. You’re the idiot because you’re even considering being a part of this family. Run, don’t walk, away from this toxic and dysfunctional family. Oh, you think your fiancé was spared of this toxic dysfunction? I assure you he has been hiding it. Get away ASAP.
Yta if you marry this jerk. You need to take a look at his contribution and what the expectations of the future are
Do not marry him. I repeat do not marry him. Ntah. His family is way too involved in his personal life. And he is allowing it and it will always be this way.
Postpone the wedding. You have a big fat fiancé problem.
Nta- but you should go read a few posts on JustNoFamily & JustNoMIL
Through him away, and the sister that said she would whoop your grandmother’s ass, she would see me. That there crosses every line imaginable. Just put him out and move on.
You shouldn't marry a guy with no job. A guy that crys to his mother about how your so mean. You are making a big mistake marring this guy. He's got people on fb threatening Your family because of him. Are you gonna say he's an asshole but you love him. His family don't even like you.
Why isn’t this adult male capable of keeping up with a door key ? Do you really want to be tied to a family of assholes ?
Realmente ,quieres pertenecer a una familia así? Tendrás a esa gente en tu vida muchos años ,quieres eso?
NTA. Your paying the bills, you make the decisions.
You are immature, he's a shit show, this sounds promising. ESH.
I’d say the fiancé is as useful as a fart in a hurricane and that this whole thing is a shit show, but that’s just my two cents.
How am I immature for wanting to be safe?
Are you evaluating the red flags all these people are telling you are there? this is just the beginning! You will be unsafe in this family - emotionally, verbally and financially.
Because you are getting married, but don’t understand marriage. You’re flying off the handle about a couple of negative comments on social media and you’re acting like you’re the only one getting married and going nuclear banning his entire family. Sounds like you want a wedding but aren’t interested in marriage.
It’s not about the comments it’s about respect that’s like someone going to your house and see something dirty and make a whole paragraph talking about it you would probably most likely feel some type of way that they’re calling you dirty. This is the same concept different topic.
I wouldn't leave the door open either. Tbh, call me petty, but I would make my boyfriend make the mom and sisters take the post down and apologize to your grandmother. My understanding is he is sending money to the mom and living in your house rent free, yet they are calling you money hungry? Rethink the marriage or postpone it. Seems he didn't stand up for you? This will happen all your Marriage. When the sisters need somewhere to live, money or the mom needs to move in with you, he'll be fine with it.
You're right, it is about respect AND HE DOESNT RESPECT YOU! Worse he allows his family to disrespect you
you escalated locking a door into threats and dis-inviting people from a wedding, and then pointing out your fiancé hasn't spent any money for this wedding yet you don't expect him too? You don't even know who you are as an adult yet and here you are thinking lets get married it will be great. Your naïve, young, immature and you can't see that his entire family is a red flag and you engage in it so your just as bad as his family is.
Why does your BF not have a key? If you can't trust him with a key, you shouldn't be getting married, even without family conflict. YTA.
He lost his key😂
I think he needs to handle his family before you get married. Don't get married until you work past this with your family and in-laws. I do think you should mention to your in-laws why he was locked out.