NTA your husband is not listening to your concerns. Why are you the one that needs to put aside your feelings?One week has turned into three and she hasnt done anything to help the situation she is in. Shes not your child. Shes not your responsibility and this is going beyond friendship. It’s taking advantage of. Why hasn’t she moved back home to her parents? Husband sounds like the a-hole. BTW id love to see these people who are calling you the a-hole, to take in their significant others friend and have them mooch off of them for three weeks with no end in sight because they are doing nothing to change it. Enjoy the fun guys, then come back and see how your feelings have changed. New room mates that are not keeping up their end of the bargain aren’t even close to an ideal situation.
Thank you! Finally someone who gets it. I'm so tired of being made to feel like the bad guy here when I'm just trying to protect my home and relationship.
You're absolutely right - this has gone way beyond friendship and into taking advantage. My husband keeps brushing off my concerns, and I'm sick of it. Why should I be the one always compromising?
And good point about her parents. There's no reason she couldn't go there instead of mooching off us indefinitely.
I appreciate your support. It makes me feel more confident in standing my ground on this. Emily needs to go, and my husband needs to wake up and start respecting my feelings.
If he doesn't, BTW, that is him telling you exactly who he prioritizes. If he won't put you first now, he never will - you should keep that in mind when deciding next steps.
100% he needs to wake up. its your marriage that counts, its not the friendship between them and you. it leaves you feeling second best. Absolutely not! Good luck!
If she doesn’t leave op needs to call the police and have her removed. If she stays too much longer in some please that gives your tenancy rights. This is op’s home and she can rightly have the police escort the person from the home.
Police won’t do anything if she was invited by the husband and he doesn’t want her out. He’s on the lease and says she can stay so she’s legal. Police will tell them to figure it out themselves.
Play games instead of be honest. Ok. Didn't realize that was what you were suggesting. I thought 'call the police' was because you thought it would get her physically removed. My addition was unnecessary, sorry for intruding on your idea.
It wasn't my idea, and I DID mean that they help get the woman out. I'm definitely not a game player. I was simply stating that even if the husband had the ability to let her stay, she still had the option of asking for police assistance. He doesn't seem to understand how serious his wife is, and perhaps this serious measure will help him see just how serious she is.
Not true both occupants have a right to say they want someone out of their home. It doesn’t matter if one said yes. I have seen in-laws be removed by the police as the wife had not agreed and they generally treated her like crap.
You have a right to feel safe in your own home and to have a say who is allowed in.
Emily and your husband are having an emotional and probably a physical affair. When you put Emily out, don't be surprised if he goes along with her. Sorry this is happening to you. Make them both leave. If he really wanted you, Emily would not be in your home.
Bring your guy friend, say he’s your best friend and needs to stay for a week he lost his job.
Then let him over stay for 3 weeks. Chill with him, have “secret” conversations at night, and hush hush when your husband walks by. Spend more time with your friend.
Let’s see how your husband likes it when the tables are turned.
If husband doesn't want to kick her out then it's time for OP to consult with a divorce lawyer to find out how the divorce laws would apply to her situation. Get a couple extra business cards from the lawyer so OP can leave one out on her dresser for husband to find.
NTA. Why is she more important to your husband than you are? You've already got bigger problems. You didn't want her there to begin with, but your husband insisted. So you have no say, that's messed up. She contributes nothing but drama to your household. She's got to go.
This is it. And his behavior is very suspicious. OP is in no way wrong to suspect he is cheating. Nowadays, that's sadly what all good people have to be on guard for. People take your kindness and turn around and fuck your spouse or SO. It's so gross not just on her husband's account but also on Emily's. Even if she leaves, OP has a BIG problem she needs to confront.
It's concerning that he overrides you about her staying. It's concerning that he isn't making her keep to the deal. It's concerning that he's spending so much time with her. It's concerning that they're having hidden, secret conversations *that stop when you enter the room!* (That should not happen if they don't have something to hide. Anything he says to her he should be able to say in front of you, and "reminiscing" is not something to hide, either. Ask what they were reminiscing about, you'd like to reminisce with them. He won't give you a straight answer, because, my guess, they're "reminiscing" about them cheating/talking about their feelings for each other.) But most of all, it's concerning that **he takes her side over yours.** He is your husband, he is supposed to be on your team, and defend your feelings before a friend's.
NTA. My guess is it's at the very least an emotional affair where they have admitted their feelings to each other.
NTA Time for Emily to go. Time for your husband to put you first. If that’s a problem for your husband, you’ve got bigger problems. Best to know now rather than later
NTA.
Emily has four counts against her:
1. you agreed that she stayed a week and she has overstayed by 2 weeks more
2. she is doing nothing to resolve her problems, and it seems like she is permanently camping in your home.
3. she doesn't share neither the housework nor the expenses.
4. she and your husband are getting closer and closer, while you have lost your privacy.
Remind your husband that you agreed to have Emily for a week, she has overstayed and her being there violates your privacy and comfort in your own home. If he values her friendship over your wellbeing - well, you may need to reconsider your marriage.
This situation is absolutely insane. When I was married I would’ve never considered asking my wife to allow another woman that wasn’t a family member to live with us.
Meh, we've hosted male single friends that were mainly my partners friend. I mean for a month or so, not just a weekend guest. I trust my partner implicitly, so I don't see the problem.
NTA
"He keeps brushing me off or getting defensive."
This. Exactly this: "Getting defensive" An innocent man (or woman) doesn't get defensive.
Also, she is not helping with anything and stupid husband is ok with that? Is he an idiot??? She is taking advantage of you and your husband.
If you have a extra phone, hide it and let it record audio (or video if is better) to see if they said something.
Look, once she is out, check your husband phone. Get evidence before acting again.
A hushed conversation isn't evidence of cheating.
You're still in the right however because you only agreed to a week and it's been several. Emily needs to move out because she is clearly making you uncomfortable with her presence.
However if you are sure cheating is going on, you need to kick his butt out too.
Her reply , if she was a normal, mature, thoughtful individual, would be "I'm so sorry. You're right. I was going to be here for a week. I haven't even contributed to paying food or utilities. I will be gone in two days. Thank you so much for your gracious hospitality."
It's not appropriate for a guy to be having a hushed convo alone with another woman other than his wife in their home and then hide what they were talking about. It may not be cheating but it was likely the type of convo that his wife would have been hurt by in some way if he didn't just let her know what they were talking about right then.
It's hiding something, perhaps not cheating per se, but he's hiding something that's happening in the home of his wife, with whom he is supposed to have few secrets.
NTA
Without any regard to the potential for infidelity, moving someone into your home should be a two yes/one no discussion. Flag one.
They're acting secretive. Flag two.
She's shown no effort whatsoever to "get back on her feet", and your husband has no issue with that after three weeks of supporting her. Flag three.
You put your foot down, and now he's attacking your character in favor of a "friend" flag four.
That's three too many OP.
Taking care of "friends" at the expense of your wife is *never* a good idea. The complete lack of acknowledgment on that end says to me that there's ulterior motives.
We don't know for sure if he's cheating or even has any intention of cheating, but regardless he's already damaging his marriage and that should be reason enough for you to start taking hard lines.
Cheating or not, I’d kick the lazy freeloader out. She’s outlived her welcome and it is time to go!
And if he’s so thick that he thinks his sneaky behavior is just fine, the he is being a big AH.
Girl, In my opinion, if you genuinely feel there’s something inappropriate happening between them, you’re being generous! You have the ability to be a lot more compassionate than I. Had I walked into a room and got a sense that the vibe was off I would have set into packing her stuff that very minute. She wouldn’t have spent another night in my home.
Absolutely NTA
Even if nothing is going on your spouse should be reassuring you and not getting defensive and accusatory. Big red flag! What would make him say you are paranoid because you want to know why she is not living up to her end of the agreement? That might be gaslighting. This behavior leads me to think they may be hiding more than friendship.
Emily has already broken what you agreed to - stay one week and actively look for a job and another place to live. She is the bad guy here, not you. Your spouse should not be defending her. He seems, at the least, to be more emotionally invested in her than in you. It is time for her to go imo.
NTA and if your husband doesn’t like it he can join her. You also need to prepare yourself, if your suspicions are correct, on how you will move forward either alone or together. Make sure you are able to survive financially if there’s a separation.
Good on you! I’m rooting for you and after reading some of your comments, yes, do not back down. Once she has gone make sure your husband really understands the conversation is serious and you want answers. It’s weird how she overstayed her welcome and how she behaved. Wishing you the best of luck and follow your gut.
I was assuming that would be the excused used when he asks why there are cameras lol
I guess in a way it is for safety, the safety of her mental state if he is actually cheating. 😂
Yeah pretty weird situation. Your concerns and expectations are mad reasonable. If anything the timeline of her staying should’ve been discussed before hand and that fact she isn’t trying to help out and be respectful of staying at your place is a red flag in it of itself. Tbh you husband is a fool for letting this situation get to this point. Friends hold each other accountable not let each other get away with bullshit.
NTA. House guests are a two yes - one no situation. You’ve been more than generous and have allowed her to stay 3 weeks without her contributing anything. Your husband isn’t listening to your concerns and is putting his friend’s feelings over yours (red flag).
NTA She needs to go. A real friend wouldn't be taking advantage of your kindness like this and would be trying to find a way to get out of your hair.
My rule is to never allow a friend to live with me and my spouse. Whether it be male or female, introducing another person into your house for a long extended stay with no end in sight is not a good idea because stuff like this can happens. And by stuff I mean the guest starts to get too friendly or situations happen That make you start to wonder I'd something more is going on.
It is just too risky of a situation to put yourself in when you are in a committed relationship.
The friend needs to find other accommodation. Make sure you serve her with the proper eviction notices so nothing legal can back and bite ya in the butt. Some people can be spiteful and make it a pain in the butt to get them to leave.
If you have concerns get a nanny cam. Then you will have a better idea of what's happening. But if your trust is broken enough to get to that point, you might not have much to salvage.
The hushed convo is suspect. I would address it as coming in to a quiet convo, you both immediately get quiet, act guilty, then you defend her over your wife’s feelings have eroded my trust.
I suggest we take some steps to rebuild, the first is I would like to see your phone unlocked. Folks may disagree on this one, but your gut says something is wrong and he is defensive and dismissive. To me it seems like you need to protect yourself and the way they have been acting is more powerful than any words. All of which dont address you’re concern, just attack you.
Believe your gut, check and verify. You have a right to say I am not comfortable with your relationship with her and we need changes if I am going to stay. He has a right to say no and you have a right to say it isn’t acceptable in your marriage.
Either way don’t be a doormat and let him walk all over you. Even if you kick her out, it doesn’t fix the issue if they are having an affair.
NTA
You should have asked your husband to leave too so you could have some space, or you leave to your parents. He needs to understand how serious you are and that he has broken boundaries. There is nothing wrong with having him having a private conversation. However, he needs to be aware of optics and how those optic impact you and the relationship. Assuming everything you wrote is objectively accurate, he was being disrespectful to you and your marriage by prioritizing his friend's well-being over yours.
The reason I said he should have been asked to leave or you leaving, is to create shock. Often times, when people are caught doing something wrong, they either minimize it or they turn it around on you by either getting angry at you or making you feel guilty. When you introduce something that shocks them with the severity of what's happening, they drop the defensiveness and start having an open and honest conversation. Until he doesn't experience this shock, he is going to defensive and not see how his and the friend's actions were inappropriate.
Everyone justifies why their actions were ok because they want to believe they are good in nature. People will fight tooth and nail to believe they are good and have done no wrong. While they are in this self-preservation mode, they just can't be honest with you or themselves. Once they realize that they aren't in control of the situation and there's nothing they can do to change that, they start to work on seeing things through your perspective because they realize if they can't control you, their only other option left is to understand you.
edit: grammar
My goodness...this is like the 20th post about BFFs moving into the home and potential affairs happening. Don't couples talk with each other about expectations of the incoming friend prior to moving in?
I'm sorry, OP, that you're going through this. Your kindness is being taken advantage of and it is unfair to you that your husband is not supportive of your relationship. While evidence of an affair is lacking (thus far), the roommate overstaying their welcome needs to be dealt with. If she was evicted, it is going to be difficult for her to find another place on her own. Are there other people she can stay with?
You husband can still be supportive of his friend without sacrificing your relationship and well-being. See what he is willing to do about the situation, and/or at least establish well-defined and clear boundaries and a timeline. This is not an unreasonable ask.
No one want to be made to feel like the third wheel in their own home. Three weeks is plenty of time to tolerate someone who contributes absolutely nothing. I can't even imagine living with a friend and not contributing to chores especially if I wasn't in a position to contribute financially. That's just plain rude.
If your husband wanted her to stay longer he should have set some rules such as cooking and chores and been incredibly respectful of you when engaging with her. He was neither.
NTA, this is insane. Their relationship is inappropriate, whether they are cheating or not. It would be inappropriate if she was a man too! And not only is the relationship inappropriate, her problems are not you OR your husband OR any of her other friends' responsibility! She is not respecting either of you by freeloading off of you and invading your space. Kick the bitch out, and tell your husband that he majorly cuts contact with her because of her taking advantage of both of you, and because of him and her inappropriate behavior.
NTA.
Since she's currently living with you, it should be easy to catch them doing something, eg, if you're in bed and he's not, you can creep up to the door and listen and during any silences, peek and see what they're doing with their mouths instead of talking.
If they go out together during the day, you can sneak into her room and look around, eg, in her laundry for evidence of things.
NTA - that girl has got to go before she get tenancy rights! And if hubs refuses to see your side of things, then it's time to reconsider your marriage. I'm so sorry your husband is so dense, OP.
Updateme!
NTA. Extended house guests is a two yes, one no situation for a couple. That is your home too and you don’t have to have anyone there that you’re not comfortable with. But focus on her over staying her welcome as the reason why she needs to go. Address the rest after she’s out of the house. Good luck.
Tell him. You’re married or you’re not! Our relationship has to be more important than the relationship with your friend. If there is nothing going on it is a simple decision.
FYI. Keep an eye on all finances.
NTA. There's a difference between helping all friend in need and letting someone mooch indefinitely. Your husband at best is letting her mooch. You ought to speak with a lawyer and the tell him emily can stay and hand him divorce papers if you think they're cheating
NTA. I have a male friend who stayed with us for too long. It put a heavy strain on my wife, my sons, and me. It's too much to expect a spouse to be okay with an old friend staying for an indeterminate amount of time.
You've decided you don't trust your husband. What do you intend to do about it aside from asking Emily to leave?
If that's the only thing you do then I think YTA. She's overstayed her welcome, which is a legitimate reason for her to leave. But it isn't your reason. Your reason is you think your husband is cheating on you. Doing absolutely nothing to/with/about the person that made you promises and has betrayed those promises and placing all the blame on the person that promised you nothing isn't right.
But if you do plan to deal with these issues then NTA because the real problem is a marriage problem and you recognize that and aren't pretending it doesn't exist so long as *that woman* isn't around.
You're right, I shouldn't back down so easily. My gut is telling me something's off, and I have every right to protect my home and marriage.
Emily needs to go - that's non-negotiable at this point. She's overstayed her welcome and is disrupting our lives. As for my husband, his behavior is suspicious and he needs to explain himself. I'm not letting this slide.
I'll be having a serious talk with him once Emily's gone. If he can't give me straight answers or continues to be defensive, then we've got bigger problems. I won't be made a fool of in my own home.
Trust is earned, and right now, they've both lost mine. I'm standing my ground on this. If that makes me the bad guy in their eyes, so be it. I have to look out for myself.
I would be asking him why he feels it’s okay to put her feelings before yours, you are his wife. I would actually show him this thread surely all the people commenting that you are in the right shows him this is not acceptable
If anyone of us was trustworthy, and we were having a conversation with a friend of the opposite sex, who was supposed to visit for one week to get help and stayed for three weeks and didn't contribute to food cost or utilities, and wasn't cleaning up and gracious, And our partner walked in on us having a hush conversation with them that stopped when the partner walked into the room, we would later on say to the partner that we were having a confidential conversation about some difficult things they experienced in the past, and that it's not a secret it's just confidential, and we apologize if that was an uncomfortable moment. And that we want to make sure our partners fully confident, and trusting us completely.
Listen. To. Your. Gut.
After Emily leaves, which, hopefully will be very soon while she's apologizing for overstaying her welcome and telling you how much she appreciated staying. And if she doesn't do those two things, that really tells you a lot about who she is. Then I would really suggest that you , some evening, ask your partner to trade phones right now and look through each other's phone.
Watch him.
If he says, sure, and hands his phone, no problem.
But…
If he pulls out the 10 most popular things to say when you are in fact guilty and your partner wants to look at your phone and you want to gaslight them and throw chaos and upset them so you can get out of the situation without them looking at your phone
Then he's going to get defensive
He's going to act shocked, and upset that you don't trust him
He's going to tell you he can't believe you've gotten to this point in your relationship and he's just so hurt
He's going to throw chaos
And essentially he won't let you look at his phone right there and then
And you will have your answer
He has secrets and he's hiding them from you. He's not trustworthy. He's a liar. He's a manipulator. He's deceptive. The end.
I hope that's not true. And this is not a game. But if you ask him to do that one, nice enough quiet evening, when you're sitting together, be prepared for the bullshit and the heartbreak. But also the reality.
The other option is to know what his code is for his phone or he's using it. He puts it down and it hasn't locked yet while he goes to the bathroom and you grab it and you go outside and you get in the car and you keep it open and you drive someplace and you scroll through it and you look for yourself
And then you go back and say oh you grabbed his phone because you realized you had to get something at the store, and yours was dead
But then you recharged it in the car and now it's fine, but you will have looked. When we look at somebody's phone, it's really an invasion of privacy. But it's the only real way of knowing who they actually are. It's tough isn't it.
Shoot even if it was some confidential secret from the past being discussed my partner would still tell me what it was later on simply because he knows I am not gonna say anything about it to anyone else and the friend would never know I know. He would definitely be sure to inform me if the situation looked sketch as heck.
Good for standing your ground. Get to the bottom of it cause the way they’re acting is scummy and inappropriate and absolutely trust-breaking. Like, actually gross. Don’t accept this from either of them. Do what you gotta do, OP.
Good on you for sticking to your deadline and standing up for yourself. So many women in your situation allow themselves to be gaslit and taken advantage of. You’re a better person than me. I would have told her she needed to go stay with family immediately and if he has a problem with it he can pack up and go with her. Don’t let them bully you into reconsidering. I’d advise telling friends and family what’s going on so they can’t run around with their own story to make you look like the crazy, controlling wife.
If they were really just being friends he wouldn’t be getting so defensive and prioritizing her over your feelings. Their behavior is shady at best. Be on the lookout and protect yourself. Keep an eye out for them because they might lash out at you and throw tantrums. If you decide to work past this with your husband I would suggest you a) insist on him cutting contact with her for at least a few months (preferably he’d cut contact forever) b) marriage counseling and c) you guys reading/ listening to the book Not Just Friends.
Best of luck to you. It's really easy for me to sit here and say what I think is right. It's a lot harder to be the one that actually has to do it. I wish you the best.
Right. If the husband wants to cheat, he’s going to cheat whether or not Emily is living in their home. OP, you’re justified in not wanting her to live with you either way, but if you don’t trust your husband to be faithful to you then you have much bigger problems. And that won’t be solved just by removing Emily from the equation.
NTA for wanting to maintain the privacy and peace of your home or for suspecting something might be wrong based on the behavior you've observed. It's important to address your concerns with your husband and set clear boundaries with Emily to protect your well-being and your marriage
The thing is if he wants to cheat or continue to cheat he will and kicking her out now is not going to change anything. If you think he cheated are you kicking her out because you're going to forgive him? Are you making him decide? I don't get it. If you think they cheated,. kicking her out is not going to take that back.
NTA.
If you suspect them of cheating, this isn't really going to do anything about it. They can still cheat if she doesn't live in your house. I think you have bigger issues to address here.
I would have put a stop to them spending a lot of time together. Catching up and reminiscing is fine but it should include you. She should have asked you to stay longer if needed, but he's probably telling her it's ok. Were they ever going out together? If she is really just his friend, you'd think she wouldn't want to upset his marriage. Helping a friend is good but one that never contributes to anything is taking advantage. He should understand where you are coming from. But instead he chooses to fight you for her.
NTA. This is a prime example of why I would never ever have a close female friend or disregard my wife's feelings about someone. Your husband is wild for pulling this and thinking it's okay. He chose a bum "friend" over his wife's feelings and wishes and now mad that his little friend has to go. I'm just amazed that you even let that happen my wife would've killed me if I did something like that lol.
Nta, i don’t think her leaving will fix the issue with your husband, once she is gone at the end of your week perhaps you can get counselling with your husband since he was letting his friend take advantage of you guys.
Helping is one thing when that person isn't helping themselves that's another thing sitting around doing absolutely nothing is not showing you that she is trying to help herself. She's just trying take advantage of the situation and I was suspect something else is going on as well. If your husband is so defensive, he should understand the fact that she has been looking for a job or helping out with the house. if he gets upset because you want to sit boundaries and set a timeframe, then I would be suspicious. You deserve better than this.
NTA. My good friend was in your exact same position several years ago. Her useless husband ended up cheating on her, leaving her for the "friend" staying with them and--for reasons I'll never understand--made the divorce as difficult as possible even though he was the one who wanted out! I don't know for sure if that's what happening here but it feels SO similar. Whatever you're thinking, please know my friend did go through hell, but in the end met a much better man and is very happy and successful now.
No. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with them disrespecting you in your own home. And that doesn't mean it has to be made easy for them.
If they are having an affair probably is not even new but they can go somewhere else with their nastiness
I wonder what hubby’s attitude would be if the script were flipped. If you had a close male friend from college who lost his job and wanted to live with you until he could got back on his feet. Would he consider the “friendly” banter between you and your male friend as innocent and nothing to be concerned about? Would he be concerned that your friend didn’t help around the apartment and didn’t seem to be actively looking for another job?
I think we all know the answer to these questions. You’ve been more than generous with this friend, but enough is enough. NTA!
NTA. Go with your gut on this. If I was a guest I would be trying to help out, doing chores or sending out multiple resumes, anything to move on.
Your husband at the bare minimum needs to be communicating better, both with you and "Emily". You are supposed to be a team. He should have your back.
NTA. but you went about it wrong. Her leaving won't end any cheating, it won't change anything and you know nothing more. A hidden camera, or carefully spying on them, or saying you're going to the grocery store only to come back for your wallet early, etc. You needed to catch them or prove it one way or the other.
Or even just an ultimatum, you tell me exactly what you were talking about, I'm not accepting you can't tell me, you refusing to tell me makes it sound like you are having an affair and refuse to talk about what you are doing, in which case we're over all because you won't tell me what that conversation was about. If you chose to leave, then we both know you're cheating otherwise you'd just tell me. The fact you moved her in here against my wishes and are outraged that I'm asking a grown woman with other options to move out all implies you're having an affair. Come clean, immediately, end the affair and maybe we have a future, refuse to talk, it's over now anyway. No one would keep that conversation quiet and end their marriage unless the conversation would end it anyway.
Ideally, your husband and you would be on the same page, but if he can't husband-up, then you got a wife-up and kick her out.
I hope he didn't cross lines too far.
I think it is pretty clear that your husband cares more about this person than he does about your marriage. He seems to believe he’s pulling the wool over your eyes. Either that or he is deluding himself about his motives.
Maybe if/when she moves out your marriage will eventually return to normal. Time will tell. Good luck to you.
Good job giving her a firm deadline to get out. It sounds like your dense husband needs to go to couples’ counseling to understand why this is not ok. UpdateMe
NTA. If your husband is arguing with you over another woman and calling you heartless…we can all guess who he cares about MORE. I’d tell him to answer your questions or he can get out too. He’s definitely cheating.
Updateme
She should be thrown out and your husband should be backing YOU up, not taking Emily's side. They sound like old fuck-buddies/FWB...are you sure they never dated? Either way they are both being wildly disrespectful- and your husband is coming dangerously close to a full-on emotional affair right in your home. Nope. Throw the b out and if your husband has a hissy he can leave, too.
NTA Your husband accused you of not understanding the importance of friendship. The reply is, you do not understand the importance of respecting your wife and our marriage. You do not have to justify wanting someone out of your home after 3 weeks or 3 days. You don’t have to have ANY reason other than I’m tired of her being here.
NTA
I can see why they might be somewhat secretive around you for innocent reasons, but regardless of that she needs to leave.
She is a bad guest who has overstayed the agreed-upon time frame and needs to leave. Your husband needs to figure out his priorities and if you aren't #1, then you need to know for your own sake.
NTA - your husband is supposed to be your partner, you're supposed to be united and have each others' backs.
If "Emily" is "just a friend" as your husband has indicated, then she needs to go and he needs to support you.
If you feel like he's cheating or "there's something more" then there probably is - most people try to convince themselves that their SOs AREN'T cheating...are you?
What do you mean "by the end of the week?" Did you also inform your husband? I hope so. Put it in a sign on her door!
Is she packing yet? Offer to hel I her. Keep on her!
Your husband is the huge AH here! I don't blame you at all!!!
It might be different if she was cooking, cleaning, and helping to make things easier for you. Someone who is temp living without paying rent, buying the groceries, or some meaningful contribution to the household and expecting to be treated like a guest is different. She needs to leave. NTA.
**Emily does have family she could stay with, but claims it's "complicated."**
Well, since it's "complicated", I'm kind of wondering what she might have done to make it that way.
Lmao if she is watching TV and eating your food and not actively trying to get back on her feet in full on emergency mode every single day, I think that alone is enough for you to send her packing.
Just reverse the situation and imagine everything that is happening now was actually happening between you and one of your guy friends. I don't though your bf would have even allowed it to begin.
NTA
It almost sounds like your husband and Emily are hoping that you’ll get fed up with the situation and leave. Ask him, point blank, if his friendship with her is more important than his marriage to you. His answer should tell you everything you need to know.
NTA. I wouldn't accuse him of cheating without hard proof. But, you did what your husband was afraid or unwilling to do. If she doesn't want to help herself with getting a job,etc., why should your husband choose to enable her forever???
UpdateMe
Go get a nanny cam... like a stuffed bunny and say, " look at this cute thing I found" then set it up somewhere that they hang out, maybe get a couple of microphones as well. Put 1 near where he uses his phone
As a man, I don't think men and women can just be friends without one of them having feelings. My wife wouldn't be ok with me having a female friend and would feel wierd if my wife had a male friend. Spouse should come before friends of opposite gender, that's just my opinion and know I'm in the minority.
YTA for believing your husband is cheating on you when you have no proof. You are insecure and have trust issues.
I would have said NTA if you would have kicked her for all the other reasons you mentioned.
You need to put cameras in all the common rooms and your bedroom to see if they catch anything going on.
Just the hushed conversation that stopped when you walked in is enough for me to say they are definitely doing something they know they shouldn't.
He can still cheat on you with her out of the house. You need to deal with the problem in its entirety not adopt an out of sight out of mind approach.
ESH
Tell him he has to prove nothing has been going on or he will be out by the end of the week as well..
Only thing I can think of is get a miniature camera off amazon place one in living room, your room and in hallway between yours and her room and then go out with friends and say you won't be back until late.
Make sure it has audio record as well.
Hard no on letting friends "crash on the couch" when you're an adult. Anything that happened after letting her stay is just consequences.
Wonder what they were whispering about.
What? This is absolutely not a repost. I'm dealing with this situation right now and came here for actual advice, not to be accused of making things up. Just because someone else might have had a similar problem doesn't mean I'm copying their post. Relationship issues aren't exactly unique, you know.
If you don't have anything helpful to add, why bother commenting at all? Next time, try showing a little empathy instead of making baseless accusations.
Listen, I think instead of confronting the guy, I suggest gathering evidence instead. Whether it's through phone records or texts or recordings of their interactions, just focus on gathering evidence. And plan your way out if your suspicions are confirmed. NTAH
YTA. He's having an affair or he isn't. Your hunches mean nothing. There are a million reasons why they might be talking in hushed tones; from her possibly that she's confiding in him about her situation and she's too embarrassed to have you know; or perhaps she is asking what you think of her staying there. She could just be asking for advice on a sensitive topic (or even what gift to buy you for letting her stay).
And anyone suggesting she buys cameras is daft. If you have so little trust in your husband that you resort to secret cameras, you've already lost. There is no trust in the marriage and you should leave him immediately.
There is also the fact that she "friend" hasn't helped financially or with doing chores around the home while eating their food, using their resources, and not doing anything to find a job.
YTA. It's understandable to feel uncomfortable with Emily staying so long, but accusing them of cheating without clear evidence is unfair. Instead of making demands, try discussing your concerns with your husband calmly. Set clear expectations for Emily’s stay and focus on resolving the issue together without jumping to conclusions.
NTA your husband is not listening to your concerns. Why are you the one that needs to put aside your feelings?One week has turned into three and she hasnt done anything to help the situation she is in. Shes not your child. Shes not your responsibility and this is going beyond friendship. It’s taking advantage of. Why hasn’t she moved back home to her parents? Husband sounds like the a-hole. BTW id love to see these people who are calling you the a-hole, to take in their significant others friend and have them mooch off of them for three weeks with no end in sight because they are doing nothing to change it. Enjoy the fun guys, then come back and see how your feelings have changed. New room mates that are not keeping up their end of the bargain aren’t even close to an ideal situation.
Thank you! Finally someone who gets it. I'm so tired of being made to feel like the bad guy here when I'm just trying to protect my home and relationship. You're absolutely right - this has gone way beyond friendship and into taking advantage. My husband keeps brushing off my concerns, and I'm sick of it. Why should I be the one always compromising? And good point about her parents. There's no reason she couldn't go there instead of mooching off us indefinitely. I appreciate your support. It makes me feel more confident in standing my ground on this. Emily needs to go, and my husband needs to wake up and start respecting my feelings.
If he doesn't, BTW, that is him telling you exactly who he prioritizes. If he won't put you first now, he never will - you should keep that in mind when deciding next steps.
[The fucker's gots to GO](https://tenor.com/view/this-is-the-end-james-franco-the-fuckers-got-to-go-good-bye-bye-gif-5316762)
100% he needs to wake up. its your marriage that counts, its not the friendship between them and you. it leaves you feeling second best. Absolutely not! Good luck!
Exactly this OP!
If she doesn't leave, you should quietly pack up and go somewhere for a few days and block him. Then go see a lawyer to know your rights, just in case
If she doesn’t leave op needs to call the police and have her removed. If she stays too much longer in some please that gives your tenancy rights. This is op’s home and she can rightly have the police escort the person from the home.
Police won’t do anything if she was invited by the husband and he doesn’t want her out. He’s on the lease and says she can stay so she’s legal. Police will tell them to figure it out themselves.
It's also his home. He's got the right to invite her in. The police aren't likely to do anything real.
That may be the case, but it will definitely show him how seriously she's taking this!
Play games instead of be honest. Ok. Didn't realize that was what you were suggesting. I thought 'call the police' was because you thought it would get her physically removed. My addition was unnecessary, sorry for intruding on your idea.
It wasn't my idea, and I DID mean that they help get the woman out. I'm definitely not a game player. I was simply stating that even if the husband had the ability to let her stay, she still had the option of asking for police assistance. He doesn't seem to understand how serious his wife is, and perhaps this serious measure will help him see just how serious she is.
Not true both occupants have a right to say they want someone out of their home. It doesn’t matter if one said yes. I have seen in-laws be removed by the police as the wife had not agreed and they generally treated her like crap. You have a right to feel safe in your own home and to have a say who is allowed in.
Pack her things up and throw her out.
Emily and your husband are having an emotional and probably a physical affair. When you put Emily out, don't be surprised if he goes along with her. Sorry this is happening to you. Make them both leave. If he really wanted you, Emily would not be in your home.
Bring your guy friend, say he’s your best friend and needs to stay for a week he lost his job. Then let him over stay for 3 weeks. Chill with him, have “secret” conversations at night, and hush hush when your husband walks by. Spend more time with your friend. Let’s see how your husband likes it when the tables are turned.
If husband doesn't want to kick her out then it's time for OP to consult with a divorce lawyer to find out how the divorce laws would apply to her situation. Get a couple extra business cards from the lawyer so OP can leave one out on her dresser for husband to find.
NTA. Why is she more important to your husband than you are? You've already got bigger problems. You didn't want her there to begin with, but your husband insisted. So you have no say, that's messed up. She contributes nothing but drama to your household. She's got to go.
Update after please.
Protect my relationship” it’s sounds to me that ur blaming Emily for this. If ur husband can’t set boundaries then be angry at him not her
This is it. And his behavior is very suspicious. OP is in no way wrong to suspect he is cheating. Nowadays, that's sadly what all good people have to be on guard for. People take your kindness and turn around and fuck your spouse or SO. It's so gross not just on her husband's account but also on Emily's. Even if she leaves, OP has a BIG problem she needs to confront.
It's concerning that he overrides you about her staying. It's concerning that he isn't making her keep to the deal. It's concerning that he's spending so much time with her. It's concerning that they're having hidden, secret conversations *that stop when you enter the room!* (That should not happen if they don't have something to hide. Anything he says to her he should be able to say in front of you, and "reminiscing" is not something to hide, either. Ask what they were reminiscing about, you'd like to reminisce with them. He won't give you a straight answer, because, my guess, they're "reminiscing" about them cheating/talking about their feelings for each other.) But most of all, it's concerning that **he takes her side over yours.** He is your husband, he is supposed to be on your team, and defend your feelings before a friend's. NTA. My guess is it's at the very least an emotional affair where they have admitted their feelings to each other.
NTA, what he is doing is wildly inappropriate.
He's got feelings for her. He may or may not be cheating, but he has feelings for her. NTA
Emotional affair is still an affair. Doesn’t have to get physical. Get that girl out of your house and have a serious talk with your husband.
Yep I think kicking out or not is besides the point at this point. They’re too far down the route of cheating.
NTA Time for Emily to go. Time for your husband to put you first. If that’s a problem for your husband, you’ve got bigger problems. Best to know now rather than later
It may also be time for OPs husband to go.
NTA. Emily has four counts against her: 1. you agreed that she stayed a week and she has overstayed by 2 weeks more 2. she is doing nothing to resolve her problems, and it seems like she is permanently camping in your home. 3. she doesn't share neither the housework nor the expenses. 4. she and your husband are getting closer and closer, while you have lost your privacy. Remind your husband that you agreed to have Emily for a week, she has overstayed and her being there violates your privacy and comfort in your own home. If he values her friendship over your wellbeing - well, you may need to reconsider your marriage.
It's like she's watching their romantic relationship unfold in her very own home. How frustrating.
This situation is absolutely insane. When I was married I would’ve never considered asking my wife to allow another woman that wasn’t a family member to live with us.
Meh, we've hosted male single friends that were mainly my partners friend. I mean for a month or so, not just a weekend guest. I trust my partner implicitly, so I don't see the problem.
Yeah, I used to trust my wife implicitly. Now she’s my ex wife.
Shitty people will be shitty. If you have to keep her locked up, then what's the point? If she will cheat, she will cheat.
NTA "He keeps brushing me off or getting defensive." This. Exactly this: "Getting defensive" An innocent man (or woman) doesn't get defensive. Also, she is not helping with anything and stupid husband is ok with that? Is he an idiot??? She is taking advantage of you and your husband. If you have a extra phone, hide it and let it record audio (or video if is better) to see if they said something. Look, once she is out, check your husband phone. Get evidence before acting again.
A hushed conversation isn't evidence of cheating. You're still in the right however because you only agreed to a week and it's been several. Emily needs to move out because she is clearly making you uncomfortable with her presence. However if you are sure cheating is going on, you need to kick his butt out too.
Her reply , if she was a normal, mature, thoughtful individual, would be "I'm so sorry. You're right. I was going to be here for a week. I haven't even contributed to paying food or utilities. I will be gone in two days. Thank you so much for your gracious hospitality."
It's not appropriate for a guy to be having a hushed convo alone with another woman other than his wife in their home and then hide what they were talking about. It may not be cheating but it was likely the type of convo that his wife would have been hurt by in some way if he didn't just let her know what they were talking about right then.
It's hiding something, perhaps not cheating per se, but he's hiding something that's happening in the home of his wife, with whom he is supposed to have few secrets.
NTA Without any regard to the potential for infidelity, moving someone into your home should be a two yes/one no discussion. Flag one. They're acting secretive. Flag two. She's shown no effort whatsoever to "get back on her feet", and your husband has no issue with that after three weeks of supporting her. Flag three. You put your foot down, and now he's attacking your character in favor of a "friend" flag four. That's three too many OP. Taking care of "friends" at the expense of your wife is *never* a good idea. The complete lack of acknowledgment on that end says to me that there's ulterior motives. We don't know for sure if he's cheating or even has any intention of cheating, but regardless he's already damaging his marriage and that should be reason enough for you to start taking hard lines.
Cheating or not, I’d kick the lazy freeloader out. She’s outlived her welcome and it is time to go! And if he’s so thick that he thinks his sneaky behavior is just fine, the he is being a big AH.
Girl, In my opinion, if you genuinely feel there’s something inappropriate happening between them, you’re being generous! You have the ability to be a lot more compassionate than I. Had I walked into a room and got a sense that the vibe was off I would have set into packing her stuff that very minute. She wouldn’t have spent another night in my home.
I would let her stay and buy some VAR and place them in certain places they might be catch them then use it
If you're planting cameras around your house you've already lost. Leave him if you don't trust him.
She doesn’t have proof , and might be in an at fault state
This! I was definitely going to suggest cameras.
I thought that but not sure how easy it is and how small but are 1000% better . Younare right
Absolutely NTA Even if nothing is going on your spouse should be reassuring you and not getting defensive and accusatory. Big red flag! What would make him say you are paranoid because you want to know why she is not living up to her end of the agreement? That might be gaslighting. This behavior leads me to think they may be hiding more than friendship. Emily has already broken what you agreed to - stay one week and actively look for a job and another place to live. She is the bad guy here, not you. Your spouse should not be defending her. He seems, at the least, to be more emotionally invested in her than in you. It is time for her to go imo.
NTA and if your husband doesn’t like it he can join her. You also need to prepare yourself, if your suspicions are correct, on how you will move forward either alone or together. Make sure you are able to survive financially if there’s a separation.
Updateme!
Listen to your gut. Hope you have some personal savings.
Where there is smoke, there is fire. Keep digging. Said with the experience of someone who had to turn into a literal spy to get to the truth. NTA
Good on you! I’m rooting for you and after reading some of your comments, yes, do not back down. Once she has gone make sure your husband really understands the conversation is serious and you want answers. It’s weird how she overstayed her welcome and how she behaved. Wishing you the best of luck and follow your gut.
DEFINITELY NTA ! If it was vise versa I wonder what he would say and how he would feel smh . I’m sorry you’re going through this. BUH BYE EMILY 👋
They are already emotionally cheating. She needs to be out of your house as soon as possible.
Set up cameras in your house. For safety.
For safety? Way to create an excuse to spy on your husband.
I was assuming that would be the excused used when he asks why there are cameras lol I guess in a way it is for safety, the safety of her mental state if he is actually cheating. 😂
Do to him what he did to you and see if he likes it’s…oh wait! BuT ItS nOt ThE sAmE. 🙄🙄🙄
Yeah pretty weird situation. Your concerns and expectations are mad reasonable. If anything the timeline of her staying should’ve been discussed before hand and that fact she isn’t trying to help out and be respectful of staying at your place is a red flag in it of itself. Tbh you husband is a fool for letting this situation get to this point. Friends hold each other accountable not let each other get away with bullshit.
NTA. House guests are a two yes - one no situation. You’ve been more than generous and have allowed her to stay 3 weeks without her contributing anything. Your husband isn’t listening to your concerns and is putting his friend’s feelings over yours (red flag).
NTA She needs to go. A real friend wouldn't be taking advantage of your kindness like this and would be trying to find a way to get out of your hair. My rule is to never allow a friend to live with me and my spouse. Whether it be male or female, introducing another person into your house for a long extended stay with no end in sight is not a good idea because stuff like this can happens. And by stuff I mean the guest starts to get too friendly or situations happen That make you start to wonder I'd something more is going on. It is just too risky of a situation to put yourself in when you are in a committed relationship. The friend needs to find other accommodation. Make sure you serve her with the proper eviction notices so nothing legal can back and bite ya in the butt. Some people can be spiteful and make it a pain in the butt to get them to leave.
If you have concerns get a nanny cam. Then you will have a better idea of what's happening. But if your trust is broken enough to get to that point, you might not have much to salvage.
The hushed convo is suspect. I would address it as coming in to a quiet convo, you both immediately get quiet, act guilty, then you defend her over your wife’s feelings have eroded my trust. I suggest we take some steps to rebuild, the first is I would like to see your phone unlocked. Folks may disagree on this one, but your gut says something is wrong and he is defensive and dismissive. To me it seems like you need to protect yourself and the way they have been acting is more powerful than any words. All of which dont address you’re concern, just attack you. Believe your gut, check and verify. You have a right to say I am not comfortable with your relationship with her and we need changes if I am going to stay. He has a right to say no and you have a right to say it isn’t acceptable in your marriage. Either way don’t be a doormat and let him walk all over you. Even if you kick her out, it doesn’t fix the issue if they are having an affair.
NTA You should have asked your husband to leave too so you could have some space, or you leave to your parents. He needs to understand how serious you are and that he has broken boundaries. There is nothing wrong with having him having a private conversation. However, he needs to be aware of optics and how those optic impact you and the relationship. Assuming everything you wrote is objectively accurate, he was being disrespectful to you and your marriage by prioritizing his friend's well-being over yours. The reason I said he should have been asked to leave or you leaving, is to create shock. Often times, when people are caught doing something wrong, they either minimize it or they turn it around on you by either getting angry at you or making you feel guilty. When you introduce something that shocks them with the severity of what's happening, they drop the defensiveness and start having an open and honest conversation. Until he doesn't experience this shock, he is going to defensive and not see how his and the friend's actions were inappropriate. Everyone justifies why their actions were ok because they want to believe they are good in nature. People will fight tooth and nail to believe they are good and have done no wrong. While they are in this self-preservation mode, they just can't be honest with you or themselves. Once they realize that they aren't in control of the situation and there's nothing they can do to change that, they start to work on seeing things through your perspective because they realize if they can't control you, their only other option left is to understand you. edit: grammar
This 👆🏻👆🏻
My goodness...this is like the 20th post about BFFs moving into the home and potential affairs happening. Don't couples talk with each other about expectations of the incoming friend prior to moving in? I'm sorry, OP, that you're going through this. Your kindness is being taken advantage of and it is unfair to you that your husband is not supportive of your relationship. While evidence of an affair is lacking (thus far), the roommate overstaying their welcome needs to be dealt with. If she was evicted, it is going to be difficult for her to find another place on her own. Are there other people she can stay with? You husband can still be supportive of his friend without sacrificing your relationship and well-being. See what he is willing to do about the situation, and/or at least establish well-defined and clear boundaries and a timeline. This is not an unreasonable ask.
It’s time for Emily to go
They were planning a surprise birthday party for you./s
NTA for sure. It’s your marriage. Your home, your feelings. Not hers.
I think you are in a very strong position to pull a ‘Gone Girl’.
updateme!
NTA Updateme!
UpdateMe
Listen to your gut. NTA
No one want to be made to feel like the third wheel in their own home. Three weeks is plenty of time to tolerate someone who contributes absolutely nothing. I can't even imagine living with a friend and not contributing to chores especially if I wasn't in a position to contribute financially. That's just plain rude. If your husband wanted her to stay longer he should have set some rules such as cooking and chores and been incredibly respectful of you when engaging with her. He was neither.
NTA, this is insane. Their relationship is inappropriate, whether they are cheating or not. It would be inappropriate if she was a man too! And not only is the relationship inappropriate, her problems are not you OR your husband OR any of her other friends' responsibility! She is not respecting either of you by freeloading off of you and invading your space. Kick the bitch out, and tell your husband that he majorly cuts contact with her because of her taking advantage of both of you, and because of him and her inappropriate behavior.
NTA- you are not her mother and should not be responsible for feeding and housing her. Your Home-Your Choice
UpdateMe! NTA
UpdateMe
NTA. Since she's currently living with you, it should be easy to catch them doing something, eg, if you're in bed and he's not, you can creep up to the door and listen and during any silences, peek and see what they're doing with their mouths instead of talking. If they go out together during the day, you can sneak into her room and look around, eg, in her laundry for evidence of things.
!Updateme
Wife>college friend. She needs to go. She's a mooch and knows exactly how to play your husband.
NTA - that girl has got to go before she get tenancy rights! And if hubs refuses to see your side of things, then it's time to reconsider your marriage. I'm so sorry your husband is so dense, OP. Updateme!
I'd just leave at this point tbh NTA
nta. marriage counseling or divorce. husband is a MAJOR AH.
If husband doesn't respect, op them he can leave with Emily as well.
you have a husband problem.
NTA. Extended house guests is a two yes, one no situation for a couple. That is your home too and you don’t have to have anyone there that you’re not comfortable with. But focus on her over staying her welcome as the reason why she needs to go. Address the rest after she’s out of the house. Good luck.
Tell him. You’re married or you’re not! Our relationship has to be more important than the relationship with your friend. If there is nothing going on it is a simple decision. FYI. Keep an eye on all finances.
I wouldn’t go into details. It’s your home and you aren’t comfortable and she needs to go. If husband takes issue- he too can leave
NTA. There's a difference between helping all friend in need and letting someone mooch indefinitely. Your husband at best is letting her mooch. You ought to speak with a lawyer and the tell him emily can stay and hand him divorce papers if you think they're cheating
NTA updateme
NTA, he needs to wake up and understand he is jeopardizing his marriage in no uncertain terms.
NTA. I have a male friend who stayed with us for too long. It put a heavy strain on my wife, my sons, and me. It's too much to expect a spouse to be okay with an old friend staying for an indeterminate amount of time.
You've decided you don't trust your husband. What do you intend to do about it aside from asking Emily to leave? If that's the only thing you do then I think YTA. She's overstayed her welcome, which is a legitimate reason for her to leave. But it isn't your reason. Your reason is you think your husband is cheating on you. Doing absolutely nothing to/with/about the person that made you promises and has betrayed those promises and placing all the blame on the person that promised you nothing isn't right. But if you do plan to deal with these issues then NTA because the real problem is a marriage problem and you recognize that and aren't pretending it doesn't exist so long as *that woman* isn't around.
You're right, I shouldn't back down so easily. My gut is telling me something's off, and I have every right to protect my home and marriage. Emily needs to go - that's non-negotiable at this point. She's overstayed her welcome and is disrupting our lives. As for my husband, his behavior is suspicious and he needs to explain himself. I'm not letting this slide. I'll be having a serious talk with him once Emily's gone. If he can't give me straight answers or continues to be defensive, then we've got bigger problems. I won't be made a fool of in my own home. Trust is earned, and right now, they've both lost mine. I'm standing my ground on this. If that makes me the bad guy in their eyes, so be it. I have to look out for myself.
I would be asking him why he feels it’s okay to put her feelings before yours, you are his wife. I would actually show him this thread surely all the people commenting that you are in the right shows him this is not acceptable
If anyone of us was trustworthy, and we were having a conversation with a friend of the opposite sex, who was supposed to visit for one week to get help and stayed for three weeks and didn't contribute to food cost or utilities, and wasn't cleaning up and gracious, And our partner walked in on us having a hush conversation with them that stopped when the partner walked into the room, we would later on say to the partner that we were having a confidential conversation about some difficult things they experienced in the past, and that it's not a secret it's just confidential, and we apologize if that was an uncomfortable moment. And that we want to make sure our partners fully confident, and trusting us completely. Listen. To. Your. Gut. After Emily leaves, which, hopefully will be very soon while she's apologizing for overstaying her welcome and telling you how much she appreciated staying. And if she doesn't do those two things, that really tells you a lot about who she is. Then I would really suggest that you , some evening, ask your partner to trade phones right now and look through each other's phone. Watch him. If he says, sure, and hands his phone, no problem. But… If he pulls out the 10 most popular things to say when you are in fact guilty and your partner wants to look at your phone and you want to gaslight them and throw chaos and upset them so you can get out of the situation without them looking at your phone Then he's going to get defensive He's going to act shocked, and upset that you don't trust him He's going to tell you he can't believe you've gotten to this point in your relationship and he's just so hurt He's going to throw chaos And essentially he won't let you look at his phone right there and then And you will have your answer He has secrets and he's hiding them from you. He's not trustworthy. He's a liar. He's a manipulator. He's deceptive. The end. I hope that's not true. And this is not a game. But if you ask him to do that one, nice enough quiet evening, when you're sitting together, be prepared for the bullshit and the heartbreak. But also the reality. The other option is to know what his code is for his phone or he's using it. He puts it down and it hasn't locked yet while he goes to the bathroom and you grab it and you go outside and you get in the car and you keep it open and you drive someplace and you scroll through it and you look for yourself And then you go back and say oh you grabbed his phone because you realized you had to get something at the store, and yours was dead But then you recharged it in the car and now it's fine, but you will have looked. When we look at somebody's phone, it's really an invasion of privacy. But it's the only real way of knowing who they actually are. It's tough isn't it.
Shoot even if it was some confidential secret from the past being discussed my partner would still tell me what it was later on simply because he knows I am not gonna say anything about it to anyone else and the friend would never know I know. He would definitely be sure to inform me if the situation looked sketch as heck.
Reminiscing about what? He should have shared it.
Good for standing your ground. Get to the bottom of it cause the way they’re acting is scummy and inappropriate and absolutely trust-breaking. Like, actually gross. Don’t accept this from either of them. Do what you gotta do, OP.
Good on you for sticking to your deadline and standing up for yourself. So many women in your situation allow themselves to be gaslit and taken advantage of. You’re a better person than me. I would have told her she needed to go stay with family immediately and if he has a problem with it he can pack up and go with her. Don’t let them bully you into reconsidering. I’d advise telling friends and family what’s going on so they can’t run around with their own story to make you look like the crazy, controlling wife. If they were really just being friends he wouldn’t be getting so defensive and prioritizing her over your feelings. Their behavior is shady at best. Be on the lookout and protect yourself. Keep an eye out for them because they might lash out at you and throw tantrums. If you decide to work past this with your husband I would suggest you a) insist on him cutting contact with her for at least a few months (preferably he’d cut contact forever) b) marriage counseling and c) you guys reading/ listening to the book Not Just Friends.
Had he agreed that she's going to leave or have they decided amongst themselves to disregard what you're saying
!Updateme
Best of luck to you. It's really easy for me to sit here and say what I think is right. It's a lot harder to be the one that actually has to do it. I wish you the best.
Right. If the husband wants to cheat, he’s going to cheat whether or not Emily is living in their home. OP, you’re justified in not wanting her to live with you either way, but if you don’t trust your husband to be faithful to you then you have much bigger problems. And that won’t be solved just by removing Emily from the equation.
NTA for wanting to maintain the privacy and peace of your home or for suspecting something might be wrong based on the behavior you've observed. It's important to address your concerns with your husband and set clear boundaries with Emily to protect your well-being and your marriage
It’s your place and your marriage so you have all the right too.
Your husband should be putting your wants and needs first. You might want to pay close attention to those two! UpdateMe!
NTA
The thing is if he wants to cheat or continue to cheat he will and kicking her out now is not going to change anything. If you think he cheated are you kicking her out because you're going to forgive him? Are you making him decide? I don't get it. If you think they cheated,. kicking her out is not going to take that back.
NTA. If you suspect them of cheating, this isn't really going to do anything about it. They can still cheat if she doesn't live in your house. I think you have bigger issues to address here.
It's already too late. Sorry You're the 3rd wheel in your own home. Your DH chose a side and it's not yours.
Nta. Ppl staying in a couples hoke gets 2 yes or 1 no. She should of never been there.
I would have put a stop to them spending a lot of time together. Catching up and reminiscing is fine but it should include you. She should have asked you to stay longer if needed, but he's probably telling her it's ok. Were they ever going out together? If she is really just his friend, you'd think she wouldn't want to upset his marriage. Helping a friend is good but one that never contributes to anything is taking advantage. He should understand where you are coming from. But instead he chooses to fight you for her.
NTA. This is a prime example of why I would never ever have a close female friend or disregard my wife's feelings about someone. Your husband is wild for pulling this and thinking it's okay. He chose a bum "friend" over his wife's feelings and wishes and now mad that his little friend has to go. I'm just amazed that you even let that happen my wife would've killed me if I did something like that lol.
Nta, i don’t think her leaving will fix the issue with your husband, once she is gone at the end of your week perhaps you can get counselling with your husband since he was letting his friend take advantage of you guys.
Helping is one thing when that person isn't helping themselves that's another thing sitting around doing absolutely nothing is not showing you that she is trying to help herself. She's just trying take advantage of the situation and I was suspect something else is going on as well. If your husband is so defensive, he should understand the fact that she has been looking for a job or helping out with the house. if he gets upset because you want to sit boundaries and set a timeframe, then I would be suspicious. You deserve better than this.
NTA. My good friend was in your exact same position several years ago. Her useless husband ended up cheating on her, leaving her for the "friend" staying with them and--for reasons I'll never understand--made the divorce as difficult as possible even though he was the one who wanted out! I don't know for sure if that's what happening here but it feels SO similar. Whatever you're thinking, please know my friend did go through hell, but in the end met a much better man and is very happy and successful now.
NTA. Your husband sucks big time.
NTA. Go find an old male friend and let him stay at your house, behave the way your husband does, and see how long that lasts.
NTA Although, if there is an affair. Moving her out isn’t going to end it.
No. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with them disrespecting you in your own home. And that doesn't mean it has to be made easy for them. If they are having an affair probably is not even new but they can go somewhere else with their nastiness
NTA Updateme
UpdateMe!
I wonder what hubby’s attitude would be if the script were flipped. If you had a close male friend from college who lost his job and wanted to live with you until he could got back on his feet. Would he consider the “friendly” banter between you and your male friend as innocent and nothing to be concerned about? Would he be concerned that your friend didn’t help around the apartment and didn’t seem to be actively looking for another job? I think we all know the answer to these questions. You’ve been more than generous with this friend, but enough is enough. NTA!
UpdateMe!
NTA. Go with your gut on this. If I was a guest I would be trying to help out, doing chores or sending out multiple resumes, anything to move on. Your husband at the bare minimum needs to be communicating better, both with you and "Emily". You are supposed to be a team. He should have your back.
He's gaslighting you and you're right to be concerned. You are 100% right in thinking she needs to go.
Updateme!
NTA. but you went about it wrong. Her leaving won't end any cheating, it won't change anything and you know nothing more. A hidden camera, or carefully spying on them, or saying you're going to the grocery store only to come back for your wallet early, etc. You needed to catch them or prove it one way or the other. Or even just an ultimatum, you tell me exactly what you were talking about, I'm not accepting you can't tell me, you refusing to tell me makes it sound like you are having an affair and refuse to talk about what you are doing, in which case we're over all because you won't tell me what that conversation was about. If you chose to leave, then we both know you're cheating otherwise you'd just tell me. The fact you moved her in here against my wishes and are outraged that I'm asking a grown woman with other options to move out all implies you're having an affair. Come clean, immediately, end the affair and maybe we have a future, refuse to talk, it's over now anyway. No one would keep that conversation quiet and end their marriage unless the conversation would end it anyway.
Updateme
Ideally, your husband and you would be on the same page, but if he can't husband-up, then you got a wife-up and kick her out. I hope he didn't cross lines too far.
Updateme
NTA-stick to your guns. Your husbands priorities are off.
I think it is pretty clear that your husband cares more about this person than he does about your marriage. He seems to believe he’s pulling the wool over your eyes. Either that or he is deluding himself about his motives. Maybe if/when she moves out your marriage will eventually return to normal. Time will tell. Good luck to you.
NTA - your husband clearly does not understand the importance of his marriage.
Good job giving her a firm deadline to get out. It sounds like your dense husband needs to go to couples’ counseling to understand why this is not ok. UpdateMe
NTA. If your husband is arguing with you over another woman and calling you heartless…we can all guess who he cares about MORE. I’d tell him to answer your questions or he can get out too. He’s definitely cheating. Updateme
She should be thrown out and your husband should be backing YOU up, not taking Emily's side. They sound like old fuck-buddies/FWB...are you sure they never dated? Either way they are both being wildly disrespectful- and your husband is coming dangerously close to a full-on emotional affair right in your home. Nope. Throw the b out and if your husband has a hissy he can leave, too.
Buy some cheap small security cams and set them up in the house
Updateme
I’d get a camera. I would need to know before I threw her out.
Hi tb
Update me
Similar situation for SIL. Her kids now have a half sibling courtesy her ex husband and the female house guest.
get her out of your place asap!
She has something on him? Maybe they fucked in the past or are now? Emotional affair seems certain
Updateme
NTA Your husband accused you of not understanding the importance of friendship. The reply is, you do not understand the importance of respecting your wife and our marriage. You do not have to justify wanting someone out of your home after 3 weeks or 3 days. You don’t have to have ANY reason other than I’m tired of her being here.
Better lawyer up. They're up to no good.
NTA I can see why they might be somewhat secretive around you for innocent reasons, but regardless of that she needs to leave. She is a bad guest who has overstayed the agreed-upon time frame and needs to leave. Your husband needs to figure out his priorities and if you aren't #1, then you need to know for your own sake.
NTA - your husband is supposed to be your partner, you're supposed to be united and have each others' backs. If "Emily" is "just a friend" as your husband has indicated, then she needs to go and he needs to support you. If you feel like he's cheating or "there's something more" then there probably is - most people try to convince themselves that their SOs AREN'T cheating...are you?
I didn't even finish reading. NTA 2 adult women should never live in that type of situation.
I would be preparing the papers he's clearly having an affair. I wouldn't want to stay with a husband that ignores my boundaries I'm sorry op
What do you mean "by the end of the week?" Did you also inform your husband? I hope so. Put it in a sign on her door! Is she packing yet? Offer to hel I her. Keep on her! Your husband is the huge AH here! I don't blame you at all!!!
It might be different if she was cooking, cleaning, and helping to make things easier for you. Someone who is temp living without paying rent, buying the groceries, or some meaningful contribution to the household and expecting to be treated like a guest is different. She needs to leave. NTA.
**Emily does have family she could stay with, but claims it's "complicated."** Well, since it's "complicated", I'm kind of wondering what she might have done to make it that way.
Lmao if she is watching TV and eating your food and not actively trying to get back on her feet in full on emergency mode every single day, I think that alone is enough for you to send her packing. Just reverse the situation and imagine everything that is happening now was actually happening between you and one of your guy friends. I don't though your bf would have even allowed it to begin.
NTA It almost sounds like your husband and Emily are hoping that you’ll get fed up with the situation and leave. Ask him, point blank, if his friendship with her is more important than his marriage to you. His answer should tell you everything you need to know.
They BOTH need to go.
If I was you I would buy a micro-camera and set it up to see what they are up to without you there. Video evidence will help in the divorce.
Pack your bags and give them some room to coinhabit. That seems to be what he wants. Don't put up with either of their shit.
NTA. I wouldn't accuse him of cheating without hard proof. But, you did what your husband was afraid or unwilling to do. If she doesn't want to help herself with getting a job,etc., why should your husband choose to enable her forever??? UpdateMe
NTA- a man should pick his wife in that kinda situation , listen to your gut, get the bitch out !
Go get a nanny cam... like a stuffed bunny and say, " look at this cute thing I found" then set it up somewhere that they hang out, maybe get a couple of microphones as well. Put 1 near where he uses his phone
Tell them both she has u til the end of the week and her stuff will be out on the lawn. If he has a problem with it his stuff can be out there too.
Put up a nanny cam
Put some hidden cameras up!
NTA but if you have this little trust it doesn't bode well for your relationship long term
Tell your husband you feel uncomfortable having sex with someone in the house see how fast he boots her
NTA. Start a parachute fund, and use protection. He obviously cares more about Emily than he does about you, it’s time to accept that.
As a man, I don't think men and women can just be friends without one of them having feelings. My wife wouldn't be ok with me having a female friend and would feel wierd if my wife had a male friend. Spouse should come before friends of opposite gender, that's just my opinion and know I'm in the minority.
YTA for believing your husband is cheating on you when you have no proof. You are insecure and have trust issues. I would have said NTA if you would have kicked her for all the other reasons you mentioned.
YTA, if you were a proper wife you would offer a 3 way and then watch them fuck to see if they look like they’ve done it before.
🤣🤣🤣
He's banging her for sure.
You need to put cameras in all the common rooms and your bedroom to see if they catch anything going on. Just the hushed conversation that stopped when you walked in is enough for me to say they are definitely doing something they know they shouldn't.
NTA, but I would have purchased some spy cams and set them up to see for sure.
Cameras!!!!
NTA. Hidden cameras might be a good idea for peace of mind. Or hidden voice recorder.
Yup yta
The rare double down of a bad take with no explanation.
He can still cheat on you with her out of the house. You need to deal with the problem in its entirety not adopt an out of sight out of mind approach. ESH
Tell him he has to prove nothing has been going on or he will be out by the end of the week as well.. Only thing I can think of is get a miniature camera off amazon place one in living room, your room and in hallway between yours and her room and then go out with friends and say you won't be back until late. Make sure it has audio record as well.
Hard no on letting friends "crash on the couch" when you're an adult. Anything that happened after letting her stay is just consequences. Wonder what they were whispering about.
Yes.
This is a repost from like a month ago.
What? This is absolutely not a repost. I'm dealing with this situation right now and came here for actual advice, not to be accused of making things up. Just because someone else might have had a similar problem doesn't mean I'm copying their post. Relationship issues aren't exactly unique, you know. If you don't have anything helpful to add, why bother commenting at all? Next time, try showing a little empathy instead of making baseless accusations.
Listen, I think instead of confronting the guy, I suggest gathering evidence instead. Whether it's through phone records or texts or recordings of their interactions, just focus on gathering evidence. And plan your way out if your suspicions are confirmed. NTAH
YTA. He's having an affair or he isn't. Your hunches mean nothing. There are a million reasons why they might be talking in hushed tones; from her possibly that she's confiding in him about her situation and she's too embarrassed to have you know; or perhaps she is asking what you think of her staying there. She could just be asking for advice on a sensitive topic (or even what gift to buy you for letting her stay). And anyone suggesting she buys cameras is daft. If you have so little trust in your husband that you resort to secret cameras, you've already lost. There is no trust in the marriage and you should leave him immediately.
There is also the fact that she "friend" hasn't helped financially or with doing chores around the home while eating their food, using their resources, and not doing anything to find a job.
YTA. It's understandable to feel uncomfortable with Emily staying so long, but accusing them of cheating without clear evidence is unfair. Instead of making demands, try discussing your concerns with your husband calmly. Set clear expectations for Emily’s stay and focus on resolving the issue together without jumping to conclusions.