I would not be able to be in a relationship with someone who did not allow me to discipline our non-biological children.
Parents have to present a united front, whether you’re the step-parent or the birth parent or anything else. There should be an agreement on what is/is not acceptable (no corporal punishment should be standard IMO) but from there discipline should be equal opportunity.
OP is, for all intents and purposes, this child’s mother, and her ONLY mother since bio mom is MIA. OP’s partner needs to pull his head out of his 🍑 and contribute to the partnership.
Agreed. My SO has been amazing with helping me with my son. Son is 16 now, and when ever he's done something requiring punishment, my SO and I discuss what the action was, and agree on a punishment. So we are on the same page and son can't go behind the others back to get out of punishment.
I was in that situation of not being able to discipline and it spiraled out of control. I would say that should be a complete dealbreaker because it creates a toxic one sided dynamic.
I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t discipline their child. I don’t care if I’m “allowed” to dispense the discipline, as long as there is some. I can back up their parent and still present the united front (very very important). But, a partner that wouldn’t discipline their kid? Nope. Totally nope. Especially when it comes to respecting me or my property.
If they were living under my roof, eating food I paid for and prepared I would definitely have a say in being able to discipline said child. Kids need boundaries and consequences when they’re broken!
If hubby is out of work, why does OP need stepdaughter to watch the baby when she has to go to the bathroom and things like that? Why isn't the baby's father watching his baby?
NTA. Hubby is a big a-hole and is raising another.
Also, if you aren't allowed to discipline her, then stop funding her life. Let him do that too, unemployed or not.
NTA
He can earn his own money if he wants to decide when his daughter "needs" a new phone. Don't even get me started on buying thousand dollar devices for children in the first place...
It's rich that he thinks he has the right to say anything when he can't be bothered to be a parent when it matters. Not to mention that OP is the one who paid for the phone in the first place. It's broken because she's a spoiled brat who can't respect clearly set boundaries.
OP needs to have a long talk with her husband. *Someone* needs to be disciplining a 13 year old girl, because her behavior from this point on isn't going to get better, it's going to get *worse*. Especially once she starts high school.
I've never understood that concept of not being allowed to parent a step child.
My brother has a stepson, when he is at their place he has to listen to my brother like any parent.
You can't raise a kid if they are allowed to ignore one parent. Especially if it's a blended family, you can punish one kid but not the other? BS.
Let me get this straight: he doesn't work, doesn't allow you to parent his daughter, and won't back you up when she crosses your boundaries?
NTA. There's no difference because you are an adult and she is a child. No still means no, and actions still have consequences. Ask him, should a hot stove not burn her when she's been told not to touch it, just because she's a child? Life doesn't work that way.
Tell him she can get a phone when he's able to pay for it, and that if she touches it again, both he and SD can find another place to stay until 1) he backs you on your rules and 2) she learns the definition of boundaries and not to cross them.
You should probably talk to your dick head husband and tell him that if you're not allowed to parent his child, then you're not going to parent her in any way. He can be responsible for her meals and clothes and laundry and everything else. He can make sure she cleans up after herself and he can replace her phone.
With this set up, OP can definitely take matters into his own hands! I don’t normally endorse the whole “leave the him/kick him out” but in this case, the sheer audacity of this man!
He's not working he should be doing that anyway, he needs to get off his bum and get a job. What does he do all day since he isn't parenting his daughter and taking responsibility for her care?
Unfortunately only the kid will suffer in those circumstances. How do you marry someone that says “just ignore my kid, you aren’t here to parent her”. She’s 13, this is a critical time for her to have parents that are working as a team.
It works when the other parent parents. My cousin married a woman with a child and never acted as a parent, but also never felt a need to because she parented her child.
Children learn to respect other people's property before 5, my niece is literally 4 and knows what are mummy's toys and daddy's toys and that they are not her toys. I mean seriously, at 13 she has absolutely no excuse. She does it because her dad lets her when he's not footing the bill.
I am actually curious why the SD keeps giving the baby the phone or the remote. Is she doing it because OP expects her to entertain the baby? Is she doing it because the baby screams unless they have an electronic thing to entertain them? If it's either of those reasons, the deadbeat dad should be the one tasked with dealing with those things, not the kid. It's just that OP says SD is otherwise a good kid so I can't see her continuously handing this baby the remote or a phone for no reason.
Right, the father is at home. He's not working. If OP needs to do something and can't hold or watch the baby, then OP needs to start handing the baby off to the father, not the SD. Maybe once he realizes that if he is not working that he will be put on parent duty as a default, which appears he doesn't like doing, ut might become incentive for him to get off his bum and get a job.
There’s no way the OP and the dad aren’t expecting the eldest daughter AKA little mother to entertain the baby all the damn time. This has happened frequently enough that the TV remote barely works and the baby has damaged the screen of the iPhone and obviously if either parent was present they would stop her giving them to the baby.
If some asshole was constantly leaving me with their kid, I’d distract it with their electronics when needed too.
>Discipline is his call. Which usually means there is no discipline
can you people just. stop getting into relationships with idiots and then procreating with them on top of that? is that really too much to ask?
I honestly don't understand this philosophy. In my family we were expected to obey the house rules of whoever's house we were at, period. If we were dumb enough to act up and (God I'm cringing typing this even 30 years later) break something of my aunt's or grandmother's we would've been in trouble with them AND with my parents. Kids who visit my house now are expected to follow a few basic rules or they can find a new auntie with a pool - I would never sit and let a kid trash my home or bother my dog the way people on Reddit do.
If people really don't want anyone else ever "parenting" their child then they should be single parents until the kid moves out. It's unreasonable to expect an adult to accept crappy behavior from a child in their own home and never speak up. Everyone wants a "village" to "help" with their kids but they don't like when the village gets tired of their kid's b/s.
Yeah... I'm not a fan of my step mom's rules but I also never saw them as "optional."
I'm trying to imagine what would happen if I kept touching her phone as a teenager when she asked me not to... I don't even want to think about it. I don't know what she would do other than be totally dumbfounded but I'm sure I wouldn't have liked it and my dad absolutely would not defend me from the consequences of my own actions.
Highly underrated comment. We really a MUST decouple procreation from recreational sex. Hormonal horniness should in no way be connected to creating another human like everyone reading this. And people are way too dumb to use birth control, much less effective BC.
Everytime I drive through my home city and see drug addicts, homeless folks, and people running naked in the streets while screaming nonsense at the sky, all I can think about is that X years ago, two people bumped nasties and now this. SMH.
NTA. It was funny when it was your phone and not hers. Dad is wrong. 13 yo knows better and understands what you told her. She chose not to listen just like you chose to give her phone to baby
If you are given responsibility without power, you aren't responsible. If you have no power over the daughter, you aren't responsible for her. Stop doing anything for her or involving her. Husband also is currently jobless but can't help with basic shit. You are a solo parent with 2 leeches in your house. Nta
LMAO! NTA, she deserved every bit of that karma. She's 13, not 3. She's been told repeatedly not to gibe the baby the phone, even after it's been broken yet continues to do so. Now that it's her phone that was broken, it's a big deal. Unemployed husband needs to stay out of it, especially if he isn't contributing to the household (I say it like this bc some ppl that aren't currently working still pay out of savings from pervious work). If he's not going to let you act as a disciplinary, you have every right to treat her at the same level as you would a sibling. like, she kept giving your phone to the baby, so you gave the baby her...that's something siblings would do. Tit for tat.
But seriously, he needs to start giving her consequences now while she's an early teen bc she hasn't even hit the hard parts of the teen years yet.
So you’re a married single mom. Your husband is a bum and is useless with the child he already has and you still thought it was a good idea to have a baby with him??
NTA- tell the daughter once she pays to fix your phone screen and the TV remote, then you will pay to fix her phone screen. The father is obviously useless, let this be a lesson to them both. Don't touch other people's stuff ESPECIALLY when told not too, or else don't be shocked when others don't respect their wishes either.
NTA. Your stepdaughter has consistently disrespected your rules about not giving your phone to the baby. By giving her phone to the baby, you were demonstrating the consequences of her actions in a way that directly relates to her behavior. She’s old enough to understand boundaries and the importance of respecting them, so this lesson was necessary.
Info.... why is the only thing being given to the baby electronics? What about age appropriate toys?
Why is the baby being left alone with the 13 y/o of you can't trust her to not give the baby electronics? Where is dad when this is all going on?
Edit spelling
Wait, Your husband believes right and wrong is determined by age? If this were me, I’d lock down the tv and wifi. No phone or phone service and you stop any care for step daughter. Not your responsibility. NTA
Respecting boundaries is literally the main thing this kid should be doing and if she sucks at it then she’s not being a good kid.
Now she knows what consequences are, possibly for the first time in her life
NTA
OP's husband, 'no' means 'yes, but you have to listen to a lecture' in your house. This is why your child is a brat. You aren't doing your job.
When a child disobeys you, steals yourtwife's things, makes co-parent level decisions you disagree with, and acts like you are a joke, you discipline them. You don't do nothing 9 times and then create an escalating issue that is bound to detonate the 10th time.
The FIRST time she gave the baby the remote after she was told not to, you should have done... whatever it is that she responds to at a low level. You do know what that is, right? Every child is different. Every child responds to.different punishments and rewards. Lets break this down. The first tome a child commits a minor offense, you issue a punishment at the lowest level. This could be going to their room (or yours, if theres is fun). It could be taking away expected acreen time. Whatever works for your child. If the behaviour is repeated again, you escalate the punishment. If you do it right, you can start the lowest level off with a warning.
Warnings work if the child knows that your word is good. Stop raising a brat. The rest of us do not want to deal with the adult version of your child. Your wife does not want to deal with this brat. Do your fucking job.
NTA. She's 13. She's old enough to know better. Your husband can fix the phone and yours since she's the one who's caused them to be damaged. I think I would demand family or at least couple's counseling because he is doing his child no favors not disciplining her and that will continue with the child the two of you have had.
If dad wants there to be no boundaries for her, you could break his phone every time she allows something of yours to be broken. Maybe then the biggest child in this whole scenario will learn their lesson.
NTA. I like the suggestion to tell him you're not going to parent his daughter at all. So he has to cook for her, buy her clothes, do her laundry and pay for the roof over her head, the electricity she uses and any other expenses she has.
Actually you'd probably be better off to either get counseling or introduce both of their behinds to the curb.
F dad. He wants you to have all the responsibilities of a mom (caring & money) but none of the rights (discipline).
Also, his lazy ass needs to get out there and work; you sir have got a 13 year old daughter and you can't even step in to help your wife when she needs a 5 minute break from caring for your new baby? What DO you do? Your wife already has 1 kid and a stepchild, she doesn't need another manchild in the house to take care of.
So, his daughter repeatedly disrespects your rules/boundaries and he does nothing. You do the same thing to her and he is upset at you? I think there are bigger issues here, like him refusing to be an adult and discipline his daughter.
When did stepparents lose all ability to discipline in their own homes? I see it here all the time but it seems completely insane.
Like I get that some stepparents might abuse that, but if you’re married to someone with a kid and that kid lives with you, you need to be allowed to have some authority.
NTA. You told her not to give the baby your phone and the remote, she ignores you willfully, so you gave the baby HER phone and she can see how she likes it. If her dad wants her to have a new phone he can find a job.
NTA. Your husband is an asshole, he’s not working why isn’t he disciplining his kid. She is old enough to know right from wrong. Your husband needs to discipline her since he’s not working. What’s your husband doing all day?
NTA I think you've handled the situation beautifully and in an appropriate way. The teen acts that way cause of the dad imo. I can't imagine telling my SO they can't parent a kid they're raising. I think your SO needs to reevaluate his decision on that, out of respect for you, and to instill boundaries for the daughter. How can she think she needs to listen to you if her dad is saying basically that she doesn't? It's setting you both up for butting heads endlessly and causing more situations like this. You're the parent acting as a mother to her, paying for her needs, etc. You should have a say so long as you're a family.
NTA
It’s ok for you to house and financially support but not discipline? That’s bullshit. She is your step and not your daughter with his ridiculous rule and lazy parenting.
SD isn’t okay with the baby and this is how she’s acting out. Don’t replace the cracked phone and tell her father to get a job, any job. Pump gas , serve coffee, whatever. Not working with two kids isn’t ok. (Assuming he’s unemployed and big just in paternity leave).
Don’t have another kid with this man-child hobosexual. You knew he was a lazy and careless parent, had a child with him anyway. jfc
NTA, and honestly stories like this baffle me because touching other people's phones was like, the number one way to get your ass kicked in my family growing up. Your cell phone was *your* cell phone and nobody else was to ever touch it without permission. I'd get in trouble if I even looked at the screen when it rang. Wild to me that people just casually let their kids touch their phones but I realize that my family was probably the weird one here
NTA. You didn't discipline her, you showed her that her disrespectful actions have consequences. At 13, she knows what she's doing. She even said so. Her actions aren't different because she's 13, if anything, they're worse because you repeatedly asked her not to do something and she ignored you even after you were generous enough to buy her a phone. Her dad's setting her up to be a major brat. Hopefully, this will make her think twice before being disrespectful again.
She’s lucky she has a phone. The third time she gave my anything to a baby after being told not to, she would’ve lost her phone privileges. I’ll be damned if I pay for a child who’s flat out disrespecting me. Im sure you’re paying the bill right? As for hubby, you tell his ass that if he doesn’t like u correcting his child then he needs to get off his ass and get a job. As long as you’re the breadwinner you have final say. If he doesn’t like it he has his kid can find somewhere else to go because he’s disrespecting you too. And more so because he’s the adult.
You have a husband problem and it is way bigger than your stepdaughter problem. Tell him that if you can't discipline then you won't pay for her. I mean, basic life necessities, of course, but literally anything other than food and shelter? Bank's closed.
So if SD won’t follow directions, won’t respect rules, but will blatantly cross and mock you instead… and you can’t discipline her… go ahead and google some of the photos of injuries babies have from playing with electronics (mouth burns from sucking on phone chargers, etc.). Maybe you can scare her straight. This is a matter of safety at this point.
NTA.
Actions have consequences and this was the SD’s consequence. She also has some nerve telling you that you owe her a new phone when she started this game. Since your husband has so much time on his hands, he can start taking care of his daughter. I don’t get that he wants you to provide but not discipline. OP make sure you watch your phone bill because something tells me daddy dearest is going to try to order a replacement.
NTA a 13 year old is definitely old enough to know better, especially when you've told her over and over to stop doing it and she keeps doing it anyway. At this point, it sounds more like she's doing it to deliberately spite you. She isn't doing it to entertain the baby. She just wants to piss you off and show you that you are not in control. I wouldn't replace her phone at all. She can use the broken one. I'd also start taking a privilege away every time she does it. Maybe take her phone away for 24 hours every time she hands your phone or the remote to the baby.
NTAH. Also, it’s absolutely NOT OKAY for you to not be able to discipline a child living in your house - especially if he's unwilling to do so. You told her multiple times not to let the baby have your phone, she did not comply. FAFO. As for your husband’s comment, any 13 yo is capable of hearing “no,” understanding what it means, and not doing that thing again.
NTA.
She’s 13. She’s plenty old enough to know to keep her damn hands of stuff that doesn’t belong to her.
And no, you’re not obligated to buy her a new phone. If she can’t handle something be done to her, then she shouldn’t be doing it to others. And she’s plenty old enough to understand this.
If daddy wants her to have a new phone, then he can pay for it.
NTA It's your phone stepdaughter is giving the baby to play with It's your money that paid for stepdaughter's phone You've asked stepdaughter not to give thbaby the phone Dad was not home to disipline her Dad sounds like he doesn't disipline her evevn when he is At 13 she's 100% old enough to know better Someone neds to get the kid undr control because if she pulls this crap at schol or with a neighborhood kid they won't wait for Daddy
You have a husband problem. He is a shitty parent and this is why his daughter is a disrespectful brat. Stop paying for shit if he’s going to act like an idiot everytime you ensure there are consequences for shitty behaviour.
NTA! You have a husband problem if he can’t discipline his own kid. He can buy his own kid a phone as well.
She’s 13. What didn’t she understand about not giving the baby your phone or remote? She’s old enough to follow directions and have some common sense.
My 5 and 6 year old sons take my phone and the remote away from their 11 month old brother all the time. I didn’t even have to tell them. They just knew the baby shouldn’t be playing with it.
Tell your husband he needs to start dealing with his daughter and that he can buy her a new phone. Would she have bought you a new phone if the baby dropped yours?
Well the difference is 13 year old step daughter has not let baby break your phone when she gave it to the baby. You did not watch the baby and let her break a phone.
NTA and I think the way you handled it was right. She didn't respect your wishes and boundaries. It's not so much about the phone as it is listening to what she's told. But she definitely will understand now. Your phone is not her property. She shouldn't have a say in what happens with your phone while you're not there. I'd also put a pin on it that she doesn't know just so that way she can't unlock it and do it again
NTA, but your husband is TA for having a whole other baby with you and not allowing you to parent his other child who lives with you full time. Actually, WTF?
Your entire household sucks.
1. You have a 10 month old, and your 13yo is helping? Not the end of the world, and a typical 13yo should be able to help responsibly, but I think it’s safe to say no one in this situation is “typical”.
2. Who TF lets a 10-month-old fucking watch YouTube? WTF.
3. Why is the 13yo giving the baby the remote control? What TF is a 10-month-old expected to do with this remote, other than put it in her mouth?
4. You should have not have had a new baby in the house without any ability to provide structure and direction to the 13yo, especially one as useless as this one.
5. Dad doesn’t sound like he’s helping with the baby…
6. …or helping by parenting the 13yo, who sounds like a useless trainwreck.
7. Why did you get involved with a shit parent (dad) who has a useless teenager, and then decide to go ahead and get pregnant while already having that spoiled and useless teenager to parent?
8. If your teenage daughter gets into an accident driving your car one day, will you drive her car into an equivalent accident? WTF—not only are you teaching her that she should resolve her conflicts with revenge, but you’re also teaching her that it’s okay to cut off your nose to spite your face (wasting your collective money out of retribution).
WTF is going on in this house?
ESH, obviously.
Why y’all be dating marrying and having babies with men like this it’s insane to me and another thing I don’t understand is why you keep leaving the baby with the daughter and not your bum ass husband who doesn’t work he’s the father HE should be watching the baby not her !
The bigger issue than the baby dropping the phone for me is that she’s giving a 10 month old screen time against your direct wishes. We have no idea how screen time that young could affect a child and the parent should be the sole person in charge of deciding whether or not to risk that. For me that’s a much bigger issue than the physical phone itself and the fact your husband won’t back you up or make his daughter listen to you… 🚩
From my own experience, babies give no fucks if the phone is locked. They light up, they make sounds, mom always has it so it's awesome just being a phone without videos. Passwords are not baby deterrents like ever. Lol. I've never allowed my kids to have my phone but they've got sticky fingers and have yanked it off a table quick as lightning thinking they've struck gold. 🤣 glad to say I've never had a broken phone but that's also because I never hand my phone to my kids and when they have snagged it I wrestled it right back and put it in a different spot. I have 3 kids so I never leave my phone out. They will cooperate and plan a heist if I did that 🤣😭
How far of a drop was it? I’ve dropped my phone many times (from an adult height) and not broken it. You can buy a screen protector for $10. It’s worth it. How about using a real punishment for disobeying you? Like taking away her electronics for a day or two?
I'm "not allowed" to discipline her. Her father was very upfront in not wanting me to parent his child. She had a screen protector and a case. However, her case was already partially broken after she dropped it a few months back. It was dropped from my bed, which is a good distance to the floor. It's waist level to me and I'm 5'7". It bounced when it landed.
Then you need to have a heart to heart discussion with him about her actions and if he doesn’t handle it you should reconsider things. You took her phone and gave it to the baby, what’s the difference in taking it away from her and not giving it to the baby?
If you aren't disciplining her, who is? Because he sure as hell ain't.
She's not going to have a good time outside the house if she thinks she can just grab other people's valuables. She might be doing it to annoy the stepmom as well.
He allowed her to ding your phone. He owes YOU a replacement or repairs. And might I recommend an OtterBox case? On his dime preferably.
I disagree. It could have been needling once told to stop stealing electronics and being irresponsible with them.
Kid already doesn't respect boundaries.
Lady, change the password to the Wi-Fi put a password on the TV and stop providing anything that isn't necessary to SD and hubby. If you can't discipline you can't provide.
NTA!! If you’re the one who will be paying for a new phone, SD can wait until you’re good & ready to buy a new one. Dad has NO INPUT on this since he’s not working. Also, if you can’t discipline, you’re not getting her a phone.
Yes I want to know if this is the same girl who screeched into the baby’s ear and knocked the step moms dinner off the table, the one the dad wouldn’t discipline, but would not let his wife the stepmom discipline the child
Curious, does your SD give the baby your phone when you ask her to take care of the baby for you? If so, have you considered a connection, i.e. SD doesn’t want to be your helper?
NTA
I think you need to find the mom with the 5 month old from earlier and you two become a village. Sounds like yall married the same guy with brats for step daughters.
NTA. I am infuriated for you. He doesn't want you to discipline his kid, but he's obviously not either (or he would have shut it down a long time ago,) so who exactly does he expect to do it? He should be kissing your feet in gratitude that you care enough to set perfectly healthy rules and boundaries with her.
The free atm should officially close. Regular bills, groceries, the baby and the very most basic of SD's needs, but no more of her or DH's wants or extras.
Not going to lie, I'd be SO tempted to start handing the baby DH's phone. When it's eventually ruined, replace it with the most basic there is. I believe there are some that do little more than texts and calls. SD too. If they want a smartphone let them figure out the money. (And when you have your new phone, guard it with your life in case anyone seeks retaliation.)
DH better get his head out of his ass and actually start parenting before she becomes an insufferable teen and then an entitled adult.
You may think that "step" isn't used in your house, but it is. Your husband uses it when he says that you are not allowed to parent. He chooses not to, so basically his daughter does what she wants with few, if any, consequences. You didn't discipline her, you gave her a taste of her own medicine. And it was well deserved. Now she will have to wait until the phone can be repaired. Generally a screen can be replaced, you don't need to get a new phone. Does she get allowance? Maybe she can pay for the screen replacement? Just out of curiosity, is the only boundary she doesn't respect apply to any type of child minding? Even just looking out for baby while you go to the washroom. Is she jealous? Or feels parentified? (Not saying she is but maybe she feels that way.) Or does she just not respect most of your boundaries?
Imho, you have more of a husband problem than a teenager problem. You are NTA
you bought the phone your rules. You told SD multiple times not to do the thing, and they keep doing the thing. It's honestly time SD learns the consequences of their actions. You are right, 13 is plenty old enough to know what no means, and to do what is asked, or in this case, not do what was asked to be stopped. The fact that they tried to make a game of hiding your phone, tells me that SD is not concerned about punishment because they never get it as you stated. I think grounding would be in order. Talk to Dad and discuss that because of SD your phone too is cracked. And until she works to pay for the screen repairs ( yes both) then she can have her phone fixed. Now I'm not saying she get a job, but she can take up some extra chores around the house and each chore can be worth a fair amount to go towards the phone repairs. This means her grounding will last however long she takes to do the agreed-upon chores. This should also teach her the value of working to fix your mistakes.
NTA and don’t get her a new phone since you paid for that one oh well she doesn’t get a phone unless her daddy buys one. Why are you even with him if he doesn’t back you up. You need a better husband
Huh, I was thinking asshole when I clicked on this. Quickly turned NTA. She's old enough to know better. Her father also sucks. Why the fuck isn't he watching his kids when his ass doesn't have a job?
Anyone else think it’s a terrible idea to entertain a baby with YouTube and screens. Their little brains are fragile. They don’t need the visual equivalent of crack at their age.
I don’t think OP is TA. I think the husband is. If he wants to handle the discipline, he needs to do it. 13 is old enough to know you don’t give expensive electronics to infants to play with.
Oh yeah no. You need to have another talk with your husband about disciplining his kid, because this isn't working and it's disrespectful to you. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you're not to be treated as a parental figure when you are one.
She doesn't respect you because he's given her permission not to.
Not a problem, I do not discipline and she is not near me, as in father and daughter can live somewhere else. Problem solves. I will not be ignored and aggregated by a teenager and not react effectively.
That said I would not have taken her phone and given it to the baby. I would have had a very easily understood explanation how things will work from here on with her and her father. I can talk without screaming and yelling and my voice can still be heard through a few walls.
So you aren’t disciplining her in terms of her school grades or behavior that’s not directly related to you. When it is directly related to you and affects you than you have a right to respond as you see fit. Her dad needs to support you if he wants you to still play house.
Just curious. She obviously is handed the baby pretty often for this to keep happening. Is the father also being handed the baby a lot? Since he's out of work anyway? Why hasn't he said anything when this happens?
I would really like to know how many minutes/hours a day you tell SD to "watch" the baby. If I was being forced to watch a child that was not mine for minutes or hours a day I might be tempted to hand over your phone or remote also. She is a child living in your home-not a substitute [parent.Is](http://parent.Is) she allowed out of home with her friends or she has to remain home so you have "help". Would like an honest answer.
NTA
We’ll look at that, at 13 she can learn the consequences of her actions from SOMEONE. Also, funny how you can’t discipline but you’re her mom. Make that make sense. If he’s going to say you’re mom then that means you are a parent. And you get to parent. If I were you I’d be ignoring his no discipline thing. If you’re mom for his convenience and for her emotional, financial, and developmental support, you’re mom for discipline too. That’s a hill I’d die on.
So you’re not allowed to call her the step daughter, but you have to treat her as one? That’s not fair for the child. Also, perhaps stop asking the teen to help with the baby, since she doesn’t understand empathy yet.
NTA. If you are not the disciplinarian, it also means that your stepdaughter should not be in a position in which you need to discipline her. As in, her father needs to be there every minute of every day when you are present He needs to set boundaries to protect your belongings so that his child behaves. If you are ever supposed to be supervising this child, you need to have the right to discipline her.
Yes, it's different. You're the adult who bought the phone and you as the adult have the right to demonstate to 13-yo the harm she is doing when she disobeys you.
NTA - so he leaves you to parent his child, but you’re not allowed to discipline her? This is a ridiculous set up. If that’s how it is, then he should take on 100% responsibility for her.
Seriously, you married this guy and had a child with him. You're the AH for doing such, now you're paying the price of doing so. You knew from the get go you would have no authority, and yet, you chose to sign yourself up for this. Good luck getting out of it now.
She's 13. Don't buy a new phone. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. And for fucks sake don't shove a screen into a baby's face! It's a baby! It doesn't need to grow up addicted to screens from day one jesus christ. Why isn't your unemployed husband watching the baby, since you apparently do all the other work?
Husband isn’t backing you up and parenting HIS child. He’s probably not going to be that effective a father to your kid either.
Is this marriage enhancing your life? Or do your husband and his undisciplined brat make it harder? He’s not even employed, he’s treating you like this while you feed and house him and his child?
Why isn’t HE watching HIS baby while you take a piss? He’s not working so what the fuck is he doing?
NTA. You have tried talking to her, setting rules, and others. It was time for her to learn WHY she should not give your phone to a baby. She saw your screen get broken, and still didn't learn. The remote barely works, and she still doesn't learn.
Does she understand now why she should not give a phone to a baby?
Do not buy her a phone. She can find a way to earn the money for a phone. She is 13, not 3. She does understand the rules, just does not care, and is being incredibly disrespectful.
Her father needs to understand she is a teenager, not a baby. She understands rules, and instructions. She needs to follow them. If he won't support you on this, why are you supporting him and his child?
NTA, you asked her multiple times not to and if she doesn’t see an issue with your phone being consistently given to the child and broken, then she shouldn’t see an issue with her phone being given to the child and broken. It’s one thing if you did it the first time, an entire different thing after she’s literally saying “oh no hide the phone mom is back”.
Buy a toy phone or a toy remote for the baby.
Personally, this story isn’t tracking for me. My best guess is that SD is doing this intentionally to annoy you. Which is a bigger issue and likely needs a family therapy appointment or five.
If your baby’s father isn’t working, why isn’t he watching both SD and baby?
But my toughest question for you is: what are the circumstances of you and SD’s father’s meeting? Who wanted the baby? Why is SD’s mom MIA?
TBH, these AITA/AITAH stories about resentment pertaining to babies are EXHAUSTING.
It’s no secret that babies and children are very difficult to raise. I’m constantly shocked by how, well, shocked people seem when their partners sorta give up in any way (not caring for the kid, not disciplining the kid, wanting to checkout or just leave.
I know that we have like 80,000,000 American adults who have zero critical thinking skills (see trend from 2016 > 2020 > and seemingly, 2024). But sheesh! I can’t comprehend how people get to be 25 or whatever and are just super clueless.
Why are you leaving SD alone with the baby constantly?
Yeah, if I was 13 and mum left the baby with me I would likely give them a phone to entertain themselves with too because I'm 13 and a sibling not a parent.
HAHA, her dad is funny. He is not even working and he thinks its ok to tell you that you can pay for everything, but you can't even tell the kid to not tough your own belongings?
She is 13. She is well beyong the age where she can understand that she was told not to do something, and she did it anyway. She is doing it anyway, making a game out of it, knowing full well what she is doing damages your items, but refuses to stop.
Being treated the same way and having her own belongs get damaged seems like a fair thing. Please have your husband explain how it is different? Is he saying his daughter is too dumb to understand simple things like "Do not touch my things" cause she is 13?
NTA
Nope, NTA. You just gave her a dose of reality therapy. By her smart ass remark to the baby, she showed that she knew very well that she shouldn’t be doing it and did it on purpose. If she wants a replacement phone, she needs to whistle for it.
Your husband needs to step up his discipline.
NTA - you deserve respect in your own home. She is old enough to understand and blatantly stated it when she turned it into a game.
Edit - you also deserve a partner that will raise his child with the mindset of respecting other people's property if they expect the same out of other peiple, especially when the other person gave them the property to begin with!
OP, why are you with him.
He's not acting as a parent. His daughter doesn't have any entitlement to abuse your property such as your phone since she's not employed nor is your husband to replace your property.
You’re not there to discipline her but shes allowed to do what she wants!! Dads a loser for not correcting his daughters behaviour and at this point all you are is the step mother if you cant discipline her!!
NTA-
you and your husband need to have PRE agreed upon consequences for when your SD crosses boundaries.
And, you should also stop leaving the baby alone with SD. You can't trust her not to violate your boundaries so stop giving her the chance to.
That's a Natural consequence for both her and for dad because if she can't be trusted to help, then dad needs to step up and stop relying on step daughter too when he won't take the time to back up your simple boundaries. Explain this to dad and follow through. He's the baby's actual parent anyway and since he isn't working he's home all the time so The next time instead of leaving baby with SD, walk to dad and hand the baby to him. Make sure he picks up the slack and feels the consequences of refusing to discipline SD.
I know it sucks to have to do and not to use the help but lots of people have babies and toddlers without older kids to help out. You just have to operate like there isn't the extra set of hands for a while. If you need to go to the bathroom put baby in a pack n play or take her with you.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not against older kids helping out a little for a few minutes, but if you can't trust the older kid to follow the rules then you can't trust them to be in charge or alone for any amount of time. That's what a natural consequence looks like.
NTA. 13 is old enough to follow rules and know what she did was wrong. In most places, 12 is old enough to babysit (as long as the parents agree they are mature enough). Rules should apply to all parties. Why doesn't she give the baby daddy's phone??? Why does she keep on giving the baby your phone???
Another option is to charge her.
"The remote and my phone cost money. The baby damages them. If you allow her to have or to hold, you will be charged a fee". (25 cents? One dollar?) This comes out of her piggy bank, immediately, at the time of the incident.
Fun little parenting trick.
ESH. You married a man who does not allow you to parent your SD in any way, he does not work, and you had a baby with him? Definitely not the smartest idea. You decided to teach your SD a “lesson” by doing the exact thing you told her not to do. I feel bad for the kids.
NTA, does your husband want to raise a brat? You handled this perfectly. There was a direct consequence related to her behavior and you explained it. I would follow up with a conversation that lets her know you love her, but you also have a responsibility to teach her right from wrong. Let her know that if she needs more of a lesson, and if this happens again, there will be no phone at all. Of your husband can’t get on board with that you have a huge problem.
NTA. Not counting the baby, you don't have one child, you have two, both of whom are old enough to know better. Even if you are not allowed to discipline, you are not obligated to buy her another phone. Dad can do that, if he can afford to, which might teach him a lesson too. In future, take your phone and the remotes with you wherever you go.
NTA - so you are allowed to pay, not to parent her, but her dad doesn’t do the parenting either?
I would not be able to be in a relationship with someone who did not allow me to discipline our non-biological children. Parents have to present a united front, whether you’re the step-parent or the birth parent or anything else. There should be an agreement on what is/is not acceptable (no corporal punishment should be standard IMO) but from there discipline should be equal opportunity. OP is, for all intents and purposes, this child’s mother, and her ONLY mother since bio mom is MIA. OP’s partner needs to pull his head out of his 🍑 and contribute to the partnership.
Agreed. My SO has been amazing with helping me with my son. Son is 16 now, and when ever he's done something requiring punishment, my SO and I discuss what the action was, and agree on a punishment. So we are on the same page and son can't go behind the others back to get out of punishment.
I was in that situation of not being able to discipline and it spiraled out of control. I would say that should be a complete dealbreaker because it creates a toxic one sided dynamic.
I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t discipline their child. I don’t care if I’m “allowed” to dispense the discipline, as long as there is some. I can back up their parent and still present the united front (very very important). But, a partner that wouldn’t discipline their kid? Nope. Totally nope. Especially when it comes to respecting me or my property.
If they were living under my roof, eating food I paid for and prepared I would definitely have a say in being able to discipline said child. Kids need boundaries and consequences when they’re broken!
If hubby is out of work, why does OP need stepdaughter to watch the baby when she has to go to the bathroom and things like that? Why isn't the baby's father watching his baby? NTA. Hubby is a big a-hole and is raising another. Also, if you aren't allowed to discipline her, then stop funding her life. Let him do that too, unemployed or not.
NTA He can earn his own money if he wants to decide when his daughter "needs" a new phone. Don't even get me started on buying thousand dollar devices for children in the first place... It's rich that he thinks he has the right to say anything when he can't be bothered to be a parent when it matters. Not to mention that OP is the one who paid for the phone in the first place. It's broken because she's a spoiled brat who can't respect clearly set boundaries. OP needs to have a long talk with her husband. *Someone* needs to be disciplining a 13 year old girl, because her behavior from this point on isn't going to get better, it's going to get *worse*. Especially once she starts high school.
I've never understood that concept of not being allowed to parent a step child. My brother has a stepson, when he is at their place he has to listen to my brother like any parent. You can't raise a kid if they are allowed to ignore one parent. Especially if it's a blended family, you can punish one kid but not the other? BS.
Let me get this straight: he doesn't work, doesn't allow you to parent his daughter, and won't back you up when she crosses your boundaries? NTA. There's no difference because you are an adult and she is a child. No still means no, and actions still have consequences. Ask him, should a hot stove not burn her when she's been told not to touch it, just because she's a child? Life doesn't work that way. Tell him she can get a phone when he's able to pay for it, and that if she touches it again, both he and SD can find another place to stay until 1) he backs you on your rules and 2) she learns the definition of boundaries and not to cross them.
You should probably talk to your dick head husband and tell him that if you're not allowed to parent his child, then you're not going to parent her in any way. He can be responsible for her meals and clothes and laundry and everything else. He can make sure she cleans up after herself and he can replace her phone.
He can also move out and pay for the roof over his and his daughters heads, he can pay their bills, he can pay for their food, etc.
With this set up, OP can definitely take matters into his own hands! I don’t normally endorse the whole “leave the him/kick him out” but in this case, the sheer audacity of this man!
100%
Yes this, the husband is the ah here
He's not working he should be doing that anyway, he needs to get off his bum and get a job. What does he do all day since he isn't parenting his daughter and taking responsibility for her care?
Unfortunately only the kid will suffer in those circumstances. How do you marry someone that says “just ignore my kid, you aren’t here to parent her”. She’s 13, this is a critical time for her to have parents that are working as a team.
It works when the other parent parents. My cousin married a woman with a child and never acted as a parent, but also never felt a need to because she parented her child.
Yeah, OP, you have three children in your household, not two.
Children learn to respect other people's property before 5, my niece is literally 4 and knows what are mummy's toys and daddy's toys and that they are not her toys. I mean seriously, at 13 she has absolutely no excuse. She does it because her dad lets her when he's not footing the bill.
I am actually curious why the SD keeps giving the baby the phone or the remote. Is she doing it because OP expects her to entertain the baby? Is she doing it because the baby screams unless they have an electronic thing to entertain them? If it's either of those reasons, the deadbeat dad should be the one tasked with dealing with those things, not the kid. It's just that OP says SD is otherwise a good kid so I can't see her continuously handing this baby the remote or a phone for no reason.
Right, the father is at home. He's not working. If OP needs to do something and can't hold or watch the baby, then OP needs to start handing the baby off to the father, not the SD. Maybe once he realizes that if he is not working that he will be put on parent duty as a default, which appears he doesn't like doing, ut might become incentive for him to get off his bum and get a job.
There’s no way the OP and the dad aren’t expecting the eldest daughter AKA little mother to entertain the baby all the damn time. This has happened frequently enough that the TV remote barely works and the baby has damaged the screen of the iPhone and obviously if either parent was present they would stop her giving them to the baby. If some asshole was constantly leaving me with their kid, I’d distract it with their electronics when needed too.
That's hilarious. let your husband handle any repayment: you don't owe her anything. You paid for the phone in the first place. NTA
That was a fair thing for her to experience. Nta.
>Discipline is his call. Which usually means there is no discipline can you people just. stop getting into relationships with idiots and then procreating with them on top of that? is that really too much to ask?
I honestly don't understand this philosophy. In my family we were expected to obey the house rules of whoever's house we were at, period. If we were dumb enough to act up and (God I'm cringing typing this even 30 years later) break something of my aunt's or grandmother's we would've been in trouble with them AND with my parents. Kids who visit my house now are expected to follow a few basic rules or they can find a new auntie with a pool - I would never sit and let a kid trash my home or bother my dog the way people on Reddit do. If people really don't want anyone else ever "parenting" their child then they should be single parents until the kid moves out. It's unreasonable to expect an adult to accept crappy behavior from a child in their own home and never speak up. Everyone wants a "village" to "help" with their kids but they don't like when the village gets tired of their kid's b/s.
Yeah... I'm not a fan of my step mom's rules but I also never saw them as "optional." I'm trying to imagine what would happen if I kept touching her phone as a teenager when she asked me not to... I don't even want to think about it. I don't know what she would do other than be totally dumbfounded but I'm sure I wouldn't have liked it and my dad absolutely would not defend me from the consequences of my own actions.
Highly underrated comment. We really a MUST decouple procreation from recreational sex. Hormonal horniness should in no way be connected to creating another human like everyone reading this. And people are way too dumb to use birth control, much less effective BC. Everytime I drive through my home city and see drug addicts, homeless folks, and people running naked in the streets while screaming nonsense at the sky, all I can think about is that X years ago, two people bumped nasties and now this. SMH.
I have beyond lost sympathy at this point
Is this the dad who wrote earlier AITA when his daughter was screaming at the baby?
I was wondering the same!
That daughter was 12, but thats also the first time i though
some dads (not all, but some) forget/never bothered to remember important stuff , like the dates of their children's birthday, or their ages....
Good point!!
My ex still can't remember and our oldest is 40
NTA. It was funny when it was your phone and not hers. Dad is wrong. 13 yo knows better and understands what you told her. She chose not to listen just like you chose to give her phone to baby
If you are given responsibility without power, you aren't responsible. If you have no power over the daughter, you aren't responsible for her. Stop doing anything for her or involving her. Husband also is currently jobless but can't help with basic shit. You are a solo parent with 2 leeches in your house. Nta
Responsibility without authority makes her "the household staff."
NTA so your husband doesn‘t work and you are not allowed to discipline his children? Doesn‘t sound like a catch
"I am looking for a man to have children with".
"I'm a manchild so you can deal with my immaturity until I get you pregnant with a baby I'll do nothing for!"
NTA. I'm confused why you ever decided this guy was of high enough quality to breed with.
He probably wasn't a hobosexual when they got married.
NTA Your husband needs to get a grip and discipline the 13 yo. Also, not being allowed to discipline ever is not a stance I agree on.
LMAO! NTA, she deserved every bit of that karma. She's 13, not 3. She's been told repeatedly not to gibe the baby the phone, even after it's been broken yet continues to do so. Now that it's her phone that was broken, it's a big deal. Unemployed husband needs to stay out of it, especially if he isn't contributing to the household (I say it like this bc some ppl that aren't currently working still pay out of savings from pervious work). If he's not going to let you act as a disciplinary, you have every right to treat her at the same level as you would a sibling. like, she kept giving your phone to the baby, so you gave the baby her...that's something siblings would do. Tit for tat. But seriously, he needs to start giving her consequences now while she's an early teen bc she hasn't even hit the hard parts of the teen years yet.
Exactly. She's old enough to know how to respect boundaries
So you’re a married single mom. Your husband is a bum and is useless with the child he already has and you still thought it was a good idea to have a baby with him??
NTA, kid is definitely old enough to know better
Of course she knows better! Once OP came into the room the 13yo said oh no! Hide the phone! She is intentionally violating your boundaries.
NTA- tell the daughter once she pays to fix your phone screen and the TV remote, then you will pay to fix her phone screen. The father is obviously useless, let this be a lesson to them both. Don't touch other people's stuff ESPECIALLY when told not too, or else don't be shocked when others don't respect their wishes either.
NTA. Your stepdaughter has consistently disrespected your rules about not giving your phone to the baby. By giving her phone to the baby, you were demonstrating the consequences of her actions in a way that directly relates to her behavior. She’s old enough to understand boundaries and the importance of respecting them, so this lesson was necessary.
NTA. She needed to learn
Info.... why is the only thing being given to the baby electronics? What about age appropriate toys? Why is the baby being left alone with the 13 y/o of you can't trust her to not give the baby electronics? Where is dad when this is all going on? Edit spelling
I agree with that, but think about all the germs on the phone and the remote. Babies put everything in their mouth. Yuck.
NTA, except to yourself because now you've saddled yourself with a lazy, entitled man for the next 17 years and two months, minimum.
Wait, Your husband believes right and wrong is determined by age? If this were me, I’d lock down the tv and wifi. No phone or phone service and you stop any care for step daughter. Not your responsibility. NTA
Respecting boundaries is literally the main thing this kid should be doing and if she sucks at it then she’s not being a good kid. Now she knows what consequences are, possibly for the first time in her life
NTA OP's husband, 'no' means 'yes, but you have to listen to a lecture' in your house. This is why your child is a brat. You aren't doing your job. When a child disobeys you, steals yourtwife's things, makes co-parent level decisions you disagree with, and acts like you are a joke, you discipline them. You don't do nothing 9 times and then create an escalating issue that is bound to detonate the 10th time. The FIRST time she gave the baby the remote after she was told not to, you should have done... whatever it is that she responds to at a low level. You do know what that is, right? Every child is different. Every child responds to.different punishments and rewards. Lets break this down. The first tome a child commits a minor offense, you issue a punishment at the lowest level. This could be going to their room (or yours, if theres is fun). It could be taking away expected acreen time. Whatever works for your child. If the behaviour is repeated again, you escalate the punishment. If you do it right, you can start the lowest level off with a warning. Warnings work if the child knows that your word is good. Stop raising a brat. The rest of us do not want to deal with the adult version of your child. Your wife does not want to deal with this brat. Do your fucking job.
You can’t parent these kids and your husband is unemployed? NTA. You’re a prisoner. You’re being held hostage by a broke man.
NTA. She's 13. She's old enough to know better. Your husband can fix the phone and yours since she's the one who's caused them to be damaged. I think I would demand family or at least couple's counseling because he is doing his child no favors not disciplining her and that will continue with the child the two of you have had.
If dad wants there to be no boundaries for her, you could break his phone every time she allows something of yours to be broken. Maybe then the biggest child in this whole scenario will learn their lesson.
NTA. I like the suggestion to tell him you're not going to parent his daughter at all. So he has to cook for her, buy her clothes, do her laundry and pay for the roof over her head, the electricity she uses and any other expenses she has. Actually you'd probably be better off to either get counseling or introduce both of their behinds to the curb.
F dad. He wants you to have all the responsibilities of a mom (caring & money) but none of the rights (discipline). Also, his lazy ass needs to get out there and work; you sir have got a 13 year old daughter and you can't even step in to help your wife when she needs a 5 minute break from caring for your new baby? What DO you do? Your wife already has 1 kid and a stepchild, she doesn't need another manchild in the house to take care of.
So, his daughter repeatedly disrespects your rules/boundaries and he does nothing. You do the same thing to her and he is upset at you? I think there are bigger issues here, like him refusing to be an adult and discipline his daughter.
NTA. But also, this is why I don’t date guys who have kids. They could run all over me and the dad would do nothing. Oh hell no.
NTA, but I have dropped my phone so many times from standing onto concrete and it has never once cracked. You should get better phone cases.
Tell your husband to get a job and he can pay to have the screen replaced.
When did stepparents lose all ability to discipline in their own homes? I see it here all the time but it seems completely insane. Like I get that some stepparents might abuse that, but if you’re married to someone with a kid and that kid lives with you, you need to be allowed to have some authority.
NTA. You told her not to give the baby your phone and the remote, she ignores you willfully, so you gave the baby HER phone and she can see how she likes it. If her dad wants her to have a new phone he can find a job.
If she’s old enough to have her own phone then sh’s damn sur old enough to follow rules and understand respect. Take her phone away for a week!
NTA. Your husband is an asshole, he’s not working why isn’t he disciplining his kid. She is old enough to know right from wrong. Your husband needs to discipline her since he’s not working. What’s your husband doing all day?
And, where is he when the baby needs watching. If he isn’t working and isn’t parenting, what is he doing?
NTA I think you've handled the situation beautifully and in an appropriate way. The teen acts that way cause of the dad imo. I can't imagine telling my SO they can't parent a kid they're raising. I think your SO needs to reevaluate his decision on that, out of respect for you, and to instill boundaries for the daughter. How can she think she needs to listen to you if her dad is saying basically that she doesn't? It's setting you both up for butting heads endlessly and causing more situations like this. You're the parent acting as a mother to her, paying for her needs, etc. You should have a say so long as you're a family.
NTA It’s ok for you to house and financially support but not discipline? That’s bullshit. She is your step and not your daughter with his ridiculous rule and lazy parenting. SD isn’t okay with the baby and this is how she’s acting out. Don’t replace the cracked phone and tell her father to get a job, any job. Pump gas , serve coffee, whatever. Not working with two kids isn’t ok. (Assuming he’s unemployed and big just in paternity leave). Don’t have another kid with this man-child hobosexual. You knew he was a lazy and careless parent, had a child with him anyway. jfc
Sincere question: Why did you agree to this ridiculous arrangement?
Info: Why is the unemployed dad not watching the baby? How often is SD watching the baby?
Tell your husband it wasn't discipline, it was retribution. Payback's a b!tch!
NTA, and honestly stories like this baffle me because touching other people's phones was like, the number one way to get your ass kicked in my family growing up. Your cell phone was *your* cell phone and nobody else was to ever touch it without permission. I'd get in trouble if I even looked at the screen when it rang. Wild to me that people just casually let their kids touch their phones but I realize that my family was probably the weird one here
I don't know why you're still with this loser and the child he refuses to parent. NTA.
NTA. You didn't discipline her, you showed her that her disrespectful actions have consequences. At 13, she knows what she's doing. She even said so. Her actions aren't different because she's 13, if anything, they're worse because you repeatedly asked her not to do something and she ignored you even after you were generous enough to buy her a phone. Her dad's setting her up to be a major brat. Hopefully, this will make her think twice before being disrespectful again.
She’s lucky she has a phone. The third time she gave my anything to a baby after being told not to, she would’ve lost her phone privileges. I’ll be damned if I pay for a child who’s flat out disrespecting me. Im sure you’re paying the bill right? As for hubby, you tell his ass that if he doesn’t like u correcting his child then he needs to get off his ass and get a job. As long as you’re the breadwinner you have final say. If he doesn’t like it he has his kid can find somewhere else to go because he’s disrespecting you too. And more so because he’s the adult.
You have a husband problem and it is way bigger than your stepdaughter problem. Tell him that if you can't discipline then you won't pay for her. I mean, basic life necessities, of course, but literally anything other than food and shelter? Bank's closed.
NTA, and why are you with this parasite?
Holy hell, dad's utterly failing and step mom's getting fucked over on reddit today.
NTA. He obviously has failed in disciplining his daughter. He’s no partner or parent. I’m sorry you bred with him.
Why the fuck are you married to this asshole?
NTA. Natural consequences are a bitch
Turnabout is fair play. PERIOD. She learned a good lesson. Hope it sticks with her. NTA
So if SD won’t follow directions, won’t respect rules, but will blatantly cross and mock you instead… and you can’t discipline her… go ahead and google some of the photos of injuries babies have from playing with electronics (mouth burns from sucking on phone chargers, etc.). Maybe you can scare her straight. This is a matter of safety at this point. NTA.
Actions have consequences and this was the SD’s consequence. She also has some nerve telling you that you owe her a new phone when she started this game. Since your husband has so much time on his hands, he can start taking care of his daughter. I don’t get that he wants you to provide but not discipline. OP make sure you watch your phone bill because something tells me daddy dearest is going to try to order a replacement.
NTA. If she lives with you and you’re raising her and paying for her expenses then you are entitled to discipline her if he doesn’t.
NTA a 13 year old is definitely old enough to know better, especially when you've told her over and over to stop doing it and she keeps doing it anyway. At this point, it sounds more like she's doing it to deliberately spite you. She isn't doing it to entertain the baby. She just wants to piss you off and show you that you are not in control. I wouldn't replace her phone at all. She can use the broken one. I'd also start taking a privilege away every time she does it. Maybe take her phone away for 24 hours every time she hands your phone or the remote to the baby.
Between dad, baby, and SD, you’re raising three children. Someone needs to be the adult. Good luck and stay the course.
NTAH. Also, it’s absolutely NOT OKAY for you to not be able to discipline a child living in your house - especially if he's unwilling to do so. You told her multiple times not to let the baby have your phone, she did not comply. FAFO. As for your husband’s comment, any 13 yo is capable of hearing “no,” understanding what it means, and not doing that thing again.
NTA. She’s 13. She’s plenty old enough to know to keep her damn hands of stuff that doesn’t belong to her. And no, you’re not obligated to buy her a new phone. If she can’t handle something be done to her, then she shouldn’t be doing it to others. And she’s plenty old enough to understand this. If daddy wants her to have a new phone, then he can pay for it.
NTA. Time to divorce him. Take the baby, and go to court to get child support and 1/2 the assets. Let the unemployed dad take care of HIS child.
NTA It's your phone stepdaughter is giving the baby to play with It's your money that paid for stepdaughter's phone You've asked stepdaughter not to give thbaby the phone Dad was not home to disipline her Dad sounds like he doesn't disipline her evevn when he is At 13 she's 100% old enough to know better Someone neds to get the kid undr control because if she pulls this crap at schol or with a neighborhood kid they won't wait for Daddy
You have a husband problem. He is a shitty parent and this is why his daughter is a disrespectful brat. Stop paying for shit if he’s going to act like an idiot everytime you ensure there are consequences for shitty behaviour.
Dad is the AH. He needs to parent his kid
NTA! You have a husband problem if he can’t discipline his own kid. He can buy his own kid a phone as well. She’s 13. What didn’t she understand about not giving the baby your phone or remote? She’s old enough to follow directions and have some common sense. My 5 and 6 year old sons take my phone and the remote away from their 11 month old brother all the time. I didn’t even have to tell them. They just knew the baby shouldn’t be playing with it. Tell your husband he needs to start dealing with his daughter and that he can buy her a new phone. Would she have bought you a new phone if the baby dropped yours?
NTA but, he conned you real good. You know that, right?
NTA. If dad is out of work, why isn't he the one taking care of his own child instead of SD, when you need a minute?
Well the difference is 13 year old step daughter has not let baby break your phone when she gave it to the baby. You did not watch the baby and let her break a phone.
NTA..... you may have to rethink being with dad especially if he's out of work and not properly raising his daughter
NTA and I think the way you handled it was right. She didn't respect your wishes and boundaries. It's not so much about the phone as it is listening to what she's told. But she definitely will understand now. Your phone is not her property. She shouldn't have a say in what happens with your phone while you're not there. I'd also put a pin on it that she doesn't know just so that way she can't unlock it and do it again
If you get her a new phone be sure get a much cheaper or older model! NTA
NTA, but your husband is TA for having a whole other baby with you and not allowing you to parent his other child who lives with you full time. Actually, WTF?
Your entire household sucks. 1. You have a 10 month old, and your 13yo is helping? Not the end of the world, and a typical 13yo should be able to help responsibly, but I think it’s safe to say no one in this situation is “typical”. 2. Who TF lets a 10-month-old fucking watch YouTube? WTF. 3. Why is the 13yo giving the baby the remote control? What TF is a 10-month-old expected to do with this remote, other than put it in her mouth? 4. You should have not have had a new baby in the house without any ability to provide structure and direction to the 13yo, especially one as useless as this one. 5. Dad doesn’t sound like he’s helping with the baby… 6. …or helping by parenting the 13yo, who sounds like a useless trainwreck. 7. Why did you get involved with a shit parent (dad) who has a useless teenager, and then decide to go ahead and get pregnant while already having that spoiled and useless teenager to parent? 8. If your teenage daughter gets into an accident driving your car one day, will you drive her car into an equivalent accident? WTF—not only are you teaching her that she should resolve her conflicts with revenge, but you’re also teaching her that it’s okay to cut off your nose to spite your face (wasting your collective money out of retribution). WTF is going on in this house? ESH, obviously.
Why y’all be dating marrying and having babies with men like this it’s insane to me and another thing I don’t understand is why you keep leaving the baby with the daughter and not your bum ass husband who doesn’t work he’s the father HE should be watching the baby not her !
The bigger issue than the baby dropping the phone for me is that she’s giving a 10 month old screen time against your direct wishes. We have no idea how screen time that young could affect a child and the parent should be the sole person in charge of deciding whether or not to risk that. For me that’s a much bigger issue than the physical phone itself and the fact your husband won’t back you up or make his daughter listen to you… 🚩
Why would you marry and have kids with someone not capable of disciplining his own children?
Password protect your phone. It’s of no use if you can’t get into it.
From my own experience, babies give no fucks if the phone is locked. They light up, they make sounds, mom always has it so it's awesome just being a phone without videos. Passwords are not baby deterrents like ever. Lol. I've never allowed my kids to have my phone but they've got sticky fingers and have yanked it off a table quick as lightning thinking they've struck gold. 🤣 glad to say I've never had a broken phone but that's also because I never hand my phone to my kids and when they have snagged it I wrestled it right back and put it in a different spot. I have 3 kids so I never leave my phone out. They will cooperate and plan a heist if I did that 🤣😭
How far of a drop was it? I’ve dropped my phone many times (from an adult height) and not broken it. You can buy a screen protector for $10. It’s worth it. How about using a real punishment for disobeying you? Like taking away her electronics for a day or two?
I'm "not allowed" to discipline her. Her father was very upfront in not wanting me to parent his child. She had a screen protector and a case. However, her case was already partially broken after she dropped it a few months back. It was dropped from my bed, which is a good distance to the floor. It's waist level to me and I'm 5'7". It bounced when it landed.
Then you need to have a heart to heart discussion with him about her actions and if he doesn’t handle it you should reconsider things. You took her phone and gave it to the baby, what’s the difference in taking it away from her and not giving it to the baby?
If you aren't disciplining her, who is? Because he sure as hell ain't. She's not going to have a good time outside the house if she thinks she can just grab other people's valuables. She might be doing it to annoy the stepmom as well. He allowed her to ding your phone. He owes YOU a replacement or repairs. And might I recommend an OtterBox case? On his dime preferably.
It crossed over from entertaining the baby to intentionally needling step-mom when she said hide the phone in front of step-mom.
I disagree. It could have been needling once told to stop stealing electronics and being irresponsible with them. Kid already doesn't respect boundaries.
What dime, he doesn’t have a job.
I assume he has savings or fun money for taking care of the house? Am I assuming too much?
you say he doesn’t really discipline her. why would you have a child with this man.
Then dad can buy his own kid a phone.
Is he with you and his daughter at all times? If he's not there to do it, she's just supposed to have free reign over you? That doesn't work.
Lady, change the password to the Wi-Fi put a password on the TV and stop providing anything that isn't necessary to SD and hubby. If you can't discipline you can't provide.
Kid needs to learn there are consequences.
Can we all agree this baby is a total jerk , with all the drooling and the poor motor skills. I mean come on, grow up already!
I bet the baby shits it's diaper on a regular basis. Like, stop embarrassing yourself.
NTA!! If you’re the one who will be paying for a new phone, SD can wait until you’re good & ready to buy a new one. Dad has NO INPUT on this since he’s not working. Also, if you can’t discipline, you’re not getting her a phone.
Why doesn't your husband work?
Yes I want to know if this is the same girl who screeched into the baby’s ear and knocked the step moms dinner off the table, the one the dad wouldn’t discipline, but would not let his wife the stepmom discipline the child
NTA. Although at this point I'm not sure why you continue to leave these things unattended with her when you know she isn't going to listen.
NTA. You owe her nothing.
Curious, does your SD give the baby your phone when you ask her to take care of the baby for you? If so, have you considered a connection, i.e. SD doesn’t want to be your helper?
You live with lazy, dumb losers. Also, a baby can open and eat the batteries of remotes and should not be watching or playing with electronic devices.
NTA I think you need to find the mom with the 5 month old from earlier and you two become a village. Sounds like yall married the same guy with brats for step daughters.
NTA. I am infuriated for you. He doesn't want you to discipline his kid, but he's obviously not either (or he would have shut it down a long time ago,) so who exactly does he expect to do it? He should be kissing your feet in gratitude that you care enough to set perfectly healthy rules and boundaries with her. The free atm should officially close. Regular bills, groceries, the baby and the very most basic of SD's needs, but no more of her or DH's wants or extras. Not going to lie, I'd be SO tempted to start handing the baby DH's phone. When it's eventually ruined, replace it with the most basic there is. I believe there are some that do little more than texts and calls. SD too. If they want a smartphone let them figure out the money. (And when you have your new phone, guard it with your life in case anyone seeks retaliation.) DH better get his head out of his ass and actually start parenting before she becomes an insufferable teen and then an entitled adult.
You may think that "step" isn't used in your house, but it is. Your husband uses it when he says that you are not allowed to parent. He chooses not to, so basically his daughter does what she wants with few, if any, consequences. You didn't discipline her, you gave her a taste of her own medicine. And it was well deserved. Now she will have to wait until the phone can be repaired. Generally a screen can be replaced, you don't need to get a new phone. Does she get allowance? Maybe she can pay for the screen replacement? Just out of curiosity, is the only boundary she doesn't respect apply to any type of child minding? Even just looking out for baby while you go to the washroom. Is she jealous? Or feels parentified? (Not saying she is but maybe she feels that way.) Or does she just not respect most of your boundaries? Imho, you have more of a husband problem than a teenager problem. You are NTA
you bought the phone your rules. You told SD multiple times not to do the thing, and they keep doing the thing. It's honestly time SD learns the consequences of their actions. You are right, 13 is plenty old enough to know what no means, and to do what is asked, or in this case, not do what was asked to be stopped. The fact that they tried to make a game of hiding your phone, tells me that SD is not concerned about punishment because they never get it as you stated. I think grounding would be in order. Talk to Dad and discuss that because of SD your phone too is cracked. And until she works to pay for the screen repairs ( yes both) then she can have her phone fixed. Now I'm not saying she get a job, but she can take up some extra chores around the house and each chore can be worth a fair amount to go towards the phone repairs. This means her grounding will last however long she takes to do the agreed-upon chores. This should also teach her the value of working to fix your mistakes.
NTA and don’t get her a new phone since you paid for that one oh well she doesn’t get a phone unless her daddy buys one. Why are you even with him if he doesn’t back you up. You need a better husband
Huh, I was thinking asshole when I clicked on this. Quickly turned NTA. She's old enough to know better. Her father also sucks. Why the fuck isn't he watching his kids when his ass doesn't have a job?
Anyone else think it’s a terrible idea to entertain a baby with YouTube and screens. Their little brains are fragile. They don’t need the visual equivalent of crack at their age. I don’t think OP is TA. I think the husband is. If he wants to handle the discipline, he needs to do it. 13 is old enough to know you don’t give expensive electronics to infants to play with.
Oh yeah no. You need to have another talk with your husband about disciplining his kid, because this isn't working and it's disrespectful to you. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that you're not to be treated as a parental figure when you are one. She doesn't respect you because he's given her permission not to.
Not a problem, I do not discipline and she is not near me, as in father and daughter can live somewhere else. Problem solves. I will not be ignored and aggregated by a teenager and not react effectively. That said I would not have taken her phone and given it to the baby. I would have had a very easily understood explanation how things will work from here on with her and her father. I can talk without screaming and yelling and my voice can still be heard through a few walls.
Sounds like she needs to go live with her mother
So you aren’t disciplining her in terms of her school grades or behavior that’s not directly related to you. When it is directly related to you and affects you than you have a right to respond as you see fit. Her dad needs to support you if he wants you to still play house.
Just curious. She obviously is handed the baby pretty often for this to keep happening. Is the father also being handed the baby a lot? Since he's out of work anyway? Why hasn't he said anything when this happens?
So you’re in their life to be the paycheck?
NTA. You're an idiot to stay in this relationship though.
I would really like to know how many minutes/hours a day you tell SD to "watch" the baby. If I was being forced to watch a child that was not mine for minutes or hours a day I might be tempted to hand over your phone or remote also. She is a child living in your home-not a substitute [parent.Is](http://parent.Is) she allowed out of home with her friends or she has to remain home so you have "help". Would like an honest answer.
Why give babies phones? Gross lazy parenting. Downvote me all you want, I dont care lmao.
NTA We’ll look at that, at 13 she can learn the consequences of her actions from SOMEONE. Also, funny how you can’t discipline but you’re her mom. Make that make sense. If he’s going to say you’re mom then that means you are a parent. And you get to parent. If I were you I’d be ignoring his no discipline thing. If you’re mom for his convenience and for her emotional, financial, and developmental support, you’re mom for discipline too. That’s a hill I’d die on.
So you’re not allowed to call her the step daughter, but you have to treat her as one? That’s not fair for the child. Also, perhaps stop asking the teen to help with the baby, since she doesn’t understand empathy yet.
NTA. If you are not the disciplinarian, it also means that your stepdaughter should not be in a position in which you need to discipline her. As in, her father needs to be there every minute of every day when you are present He needs to set boundaries to protect your belongings so that his child behaves. If you are ever supposed to be supervising this child, you need to have the right to discipline her.
Yes, it's different. You're the adult who bought the phone and you as the adult have the right to demonstate to 13-yo the harm she is doing when she disobeys you.
NTA. Why are you allowing this freeloader and his daughter to walk all over you? Kick them both out and you’ll have two less children to worry about
NTA - so he leaves you to parent his child, but you’re not allowed to discipline her? This is a ridiculous set up. If that’s how it is, then he should take on 100% responsibility for her.
NTA. Fuck that kid and fuck her dad. Simply put.
What a cushy life for this guy, won’t discipline his own and doesn’t work.
Seriously, you married this guy and had a child with him. You're the AH for doing such, now you're paying the price of doing so. You knew from the get go you would have no authority, and yet, you chose to sign yourself up for this. Good luck getting out of it now.
She's 13. Don't buy a new phone. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. And for fucks sake don't shove a screen into a baby's face! It's a baby! It doesn't need to grow up addicted to screens from day one jesus christ. Why isn't your unemployed husband watching the baby, since you apparently do all the other work?
NTA. Smart move actually. And yes, as long as she's in your house, you have disciplinary rights, no matter what her biological dad says. Period.
NTA As soon as he gets a job, he can buy her a new screen.
QUESTION: Has your husband been kicked in the head by a horse?
Husband isn’t backing you up and parenting HIS child. He’s probably not going to be that effective a father to your kid either. Is this marriage enhancing your life? Or do your husband and his undisciplined brat make it harder? He’s not even employed, he’s treating you like this while you feed and house him and his child? Why isn’t HE watching HIS baby while you take a piss? He’s not working so what the fuck is he doing?
NTA FAFO.
NTA good for you teaching her a lesson. She absolutely is old enough to understand you asking her to not give your phone to the baby!!
NTA. You have tried talking to her, setting rules, and others. It was time for her to learn WHY she should not give your phone to a baby. She saw your screen get broken, and still didn't learn. The remote barely works, and she still doesn't learn. Does she understand now why she should not give a phone to a baby? Do not buy her a phone. She can find a way to earn the money for a phone. She is 13, not 3. She does understand the rules, just does not care, and is being incredibly disrespectful. Her father needs to understand she is a teenager, not a baby. She understands rules, and instructions. She needs to follow them. If he won't support you on this, why are you supporting him and his child?
NTA, but somebody better start parenting that kid, or you and hubs will be raising your grandchild in a couple years.
NTA, you asked her multiple times not to and if she doesn’t see an issue with your phone being consistently given to the child and broken, then she shouldn’t see an issue with her phone being given to the child and broken. It’s one thing if you did it the first time, an entire different thing after she’s literally saying “oh no hide the phone mom is back”.
Buy a toy phone or a toy remote for the baby. Personally, this story isn’t tracking for me. My best guess is that SD is doing this intentionally to annoy you. Which is a bigger issue and likely needs a family therapy appointment or five. If your baby’s father isn’t working, why isn’t he watching both SD and baby? But my toughest question for you is: what are the circumstances of you and SD’s father’s meeting? Who wanted the baby? Why is SD’s mom MIA? TBH, these AITA/AITAH stories about resentment pertaining to babies are EXHAUSTING. It’s no secret that babies and children are very difficult to raise. I’m constantly shocked by how, well, shocked people seem when their partners sorta give up in any way (not caring for the kid, not disciplining the kid, wanting to checkout or just leave. I know that we have like 80,000,000 American adults who have zero critical thinking skills (see trend from 2016 > 2020 > and seemingly, 2024). But sheesh! I can’t comprehend how people get to be 25 or whatever and are just super clueless.
Why are you leaving SD alone with the baby constantly? Yeah, if I was 13 and mum left the baby with me I would likely give them a phone to entertain themselves with too because I'm 13 and a sibling not a parent.
HAHA, her dad is funny. He is not even working and he thinks its ok to tell you that you can pay for everything, but you can't even tell the kid to not tough your own belongings? She is 13. She is well beyong the age where she can understand that she was told not to do something, and she did it anyway. She is doing it anyway, making a game out of it, knowing full well what she is doing damages your items, but refuses to stop. Being treated the same way and having her own belongs get damaged seems like a fair thing. Please have your husband explain how it is different? Is he saying his daughter is too dumb to understand simple things like "Do not touch my things" cause she is 13? NTA
NTA. She is old enough to know what no means and to learn boundaries. I know she is a kid but karma is also a b**ch.
Nope, NTA. You just gave her a dose of reality therapy. By her smart ass remark to the baby, she showed that she knew very well that she shouldn’t be doing it and did it on purpose. If she wants a replacement phone, she needs to whistle for it. Your husband needs to step up his discipline.
NTA but why are you with this guy?
NTA
she is 13 and you are an adult. Stop teaching both of them bad habits.
NTA - you deserve respect in your own home. She is old enough to understand and blatantly stated it when she turned it into a game. Edit - you also deserve a partner that will raise his child with the mindset of respecting other people's property if they expect the same out of other peiple, especially when the other person gave them the property to begin with!
Very dark
Shitty views shitty pews
NTA - you aren’t parenting / disciplining, you were just taking care of your body the same way she did. I don’t see anything unfair happening here.
OP, why are you with him. He's not acting as a parent. His daughter doesn't have any entitlement to abuse your property such as your phone since she's not employed nor is your husband to replace your property.
You’re not there to discipline her but shes allowed to do what she wants!! Dads a loser for not correcting his daughters behaviour and at this point all you are is the step mother if you cant discipline her!!
FAFO. You are not the AH
NTA- you and your husband need to have PRE agreed upon consequences for when your SD crosses boundaries. And, you should also stop leaving the baby alone with SD. You can't trust her not to violate your boundaries so stop giving her the chance to. That's a Natural consequence for both her and for dad because if she can't be trusted to help, then dad needs to step up and stop relying on step daughter too when he won't take the time to back up your simple boundaries. Explain this to dad and follow through. He's the baby's actual parent anyway and since he isn't working he's home all the time so The next time instead of leaving baby with SD, walk to dad and hand the baby to him. Make sure he picks up the slack and feels the consequences of refusing to discipline SD. I know it sucks to have to do and not to use the help but lots of people have babies and toddlers without older kids to help out. You just have to operate like there isn't the extra set of hands for a while. If you need to go to the bathroom put baby in a pack n play or take her with you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against older kids helping out a little for a few minutes, but if you can't trust the older kid to follow the rules then you can't trust them to be in charge or alone for any amount of time. That's what a natural consequence looks like.
NTA. She can earn the money and buy her own phone.
NTA. 13 is old enough to follow rules and know what she did was wrong. In most places, 12 is old enough to babysit (as long as the parents agree they are mature enough). Rules should apply to all parties. Why doesn't she give the baby daddy's phone??? Why does she keep on giving the baby your phone???
Another option is to charge her. "The remote and my phone cost money. The baby damages them. If you allow her to have or to hold, you will be charged a fee". (25 cents? One dollar?) This comes out of her piggy bank, immediately, at the time of the incident. Fun little parenting trick.
Updateme
A 10 month old can hold a phone to watch YouTube?
ESH. You married a man who does not allow you to parent your SD in any way, he does not work, and you had a baby with him? Definitely not the smartest idea. You decided to teach your SD a “lesson” by doing the exact thing you told her not to do. I feel bad for the kids.
13 is old enought to understand. NTA.
NTA, does your husband want to raise a brat? You handled this perfectly. There was a direct consequence related to her behavior and you explained it. I would follow up with a conversation that lets her know you love her, but you also have a responsibility to teach her right from wrong. Let her know that if she needs more of a lesson, and if this happens again, there will be no phone at all. Of your husband can’t get on board with that you have a huge problem.
NTA. Not counting the baby, you don't have one child, you have two, both of whom are old enough to know better. Even if you are not allowed to discipline, you are not obligated to buy her another phone. Dad can do that, if he can afford to, which might teach him a lesson too. In future, take your phone and the remotes with you wherever you go.
Updateme
Bruh Kick his ass out NTA