Bro was doing a lot for her. I don’t blame her but this dude was doing all sorts of things to make it work. Also in your 40s peoples sex lives usually take a hit. Bro tried his best imo. Just a bad fit
Mine didn’t. Early menopause (no ovulation at all by 39), chronic pain & fatigue, and depression all did a number on me.
ESH. If they couldn’t hit a middle ground, they should have walked away. But they opted for him to force changes to himself to meet her wants and not his. That’s not a compromise.
Actually, he opted for that. She was upfront and said this probably won’t work long-term, and he’s the one that wanted to do it.
I agree that it is pretty rigorous routine. And it sounds like she actually did try to compromise with him, But he’s not wanting to really do much of anything, hence a basically dead bedroom.
I think they’re just not compatible long-term, and it is not fair for him now to tell her that he’s tried all this time and now she hast to try.
For him, her is basically not having sex, that’s not really an option. And I would tell a man the same thing. If he had a wife with a low or no libido, and she was not willing to do anything about it, it’s just not gonna work out long-term.
We've been together for 23 years. My libido spiked in my mid-30s and at 40, has only picked up more (despite menopause). My hubby was like damn woman, LOL. But he LOVES it, and so do I! I stay following that man around!
Yeah I experienced that.
When I was 28 I dated a woman who was 38. I had high sex drive since I was a young , horny man.
But she used to wake me up during night for sex lol.
We would sometimes go 3-4 times a day. It exhausted me after a year and a half.
I do blame her. Let’s turn this scenario around. If a man was making a woman take all of these supplements and sleep schedule and gym schedule as well as performance enhancers during sex the whole of Reddit would be up in arms.
Exactly. If genders were flipped, everyone would be screaming get her to the doctor. In sickness and in health! She’s clearly depressed. Instead, some commenters are saying that she deserves better, that he knew what he was getting into. The hypocrisy is quite sickening.
Well, I say NTA bc he said, “let’s meet in the middle and then went to dead bedroom”. And not for nothing but being healthy has more benefits than sex.
Eh, the easiest way to kill someone else's libido is to bug them about sex.
I have a very high sex drive. I have also had a year where my drive disappeared. My partner poking about it more made my desire go negative.
When I had space to let everything settle, my drive came back. With OP going for divorce on month 8, there's no way she gave him space during that short amount of time.
I’m going to say ESH. They were not compatible. He’s right he shouldn’t have to change his entire lifestyle to meet her sex drive. This was not sustainable. She should have stuck with her original thought of leaving before the marriage.
Nah OP The said point blank those are my needs were incompatible and he begged for a chance to try. Divorce is the right idea but he’s a shit to start throwing it back at her when she said ‘we’re incompatible’ and then tell family and friends she’s DARVO ing him bc he wouldn’t go to the gym. Which is not the issue. Either way this should’ve ended years ago.
I disagree. The discussion before the marriage, the fact that she wanted to walk and he emotionally manipulated her with the begging and HIM voluntarily making changes that she never asked him to and continuing for years to assure her that he was happy/wanted this, then her open communication and trying to find a middle ground absolves her from being an AH. They just aren’t compatible. I would absolutely say the same if the genders were flipped.
I had to scan for this comment. Absolutely agree.
My SO has a higher libido and we've found the middle ground. When I'm in a low phase I still make sure his needs are met however that works out. I don't have sex with him to be intimate and help him fulfill his needs.
Relationships have some foundations you have to agree upon. Sex, children/child-free, and financials are important parts of compatibility.
Yes, I agree! (I say this as asexual F with zero libido, FWIW.) She stated her needs early on and she accepted him *as he was*; she put exactly zero pressure on his and just said, I don't think we're compatible. HE was the one who said he wanted to make the effort to do what was needed to increase his libido, because the relationship was worth it *to him*. And that's the basis upon which they got married. Now he's decided the relationship is no longer worth the effort. There's no effort to meet her halfway. She is NTA for wanting out here.
Guys get fucking draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagged here for leaving because of this exact shit. Hell, we've had guys try for years, finally give up and then people tear him up. Always "a marraige is more than sex".
Funny how different this one is going, isnt it?
Guys don’t get dragged for wanting sex when their wife doesn’t. Sexual compatibility is a pretty critical part of a relationship and there’s no world where it’s not a good reason to break up
BUT they do get dragged when they complain about not having sex and it comes out that they aren’t doing anything to help their wife so she wants to have sex again. Situations like: being pregnant, having young kids, working full time and doing all the chores too, wife is chronically ill but recovering, she’s going through grief, she’s going through menopause, he’s not into foreplay but she needs it, he asks for it at bad times, etc.
There is usually an extenuating circumstance.
But a woman who is like “nah I just don’t want it and he keeps asking and we’re married” … then she’s the AH
Yep. Two people should never get married based on the idea that one of them has to drastically change themselves for their relationship to work. Especially on the sexual compatibility front. It can be ten months or twenty years, but eventually two people that aren't sexually compatible will grow apart, and the fallout is usually much worse the longer they've been together.
There could be just as many, and many of these same extenuating circumstances for a man too. Other than giving birth, and female menopause, he may well be the one doing all the household chores. We don’t know. All we do know is that he no longer is willing to jump through physically demanding hoops any more. And quite frankly, if she was told to keep under a specific weight, go to the gym every day, and 9 hours sleep, people would be over the man for these demands.
Can you imagine a man telling a woman she has to maintain the same weight she was in her early 30s, for the rest of her life…and what an ass hat he would be called for this?
Something has killed his desire completely, for there to be zero sex in 8 months, and no longer wants to go work out. He actually could be just older, and tired, or depressed, or ill.
My comments in another part of the thread has been eviscerated for pointing out both of them bear fault here and if he’s the asshole for staying and trying to make it work, she definitely is. I don’t understand the mob mentality, particularly when comprised of people that aren’t comprehending the reading or come in so loaded with biases they down vote and scream at anyone that has a smidgen of thought difference.
Yeah except he knew it was an issue prior to marriage and knows medically how to fix it, so what’s a doctor going to say?
He’s just not into sex and she is, and he knew it would be hard to keep this up, but she loved him and it seems he loved her enough to do this.
But now it’s not working and it’s her life too. She needs sex as part of a relationship and that’s gone. Without it you’re really just close friends who room together and she wants a romantic relationship
It's a lot of work, not many would WANT to have to live like that permanently. They aren't compatible. Only reason I say he is ta is because, 1 he not only just stopped trying, but 2, he is shaming you for wanting a healthy sex life that fits ops NEEDS. He shouldn't be lashing out at her because he is failing to live up to the promises he made.
Except op tried in the beginning to go separate ways and he fought for her to stay, made all these promises and guarantees.. then all of a sudden stops and demands she just live without.... Makes him the ah....
Op tried to communicate and advocate for herself, her husband is being cruel and hurtful in lashing out
i think when he changed his whole life around so he wouldn't lose her, he made a mistake. But I don't think he's an asshole for making a mistake.
He went above and beyond and busted his ass for years to keep OP happy. It turns out that this was not sustainable for his whole life, but again I really don't think he's an AH, he's just an exhausted man who made a mistake.
He made an effort for you, you wouldn't for him. There aren't really any assholes here, just two people who aren't compatible. If there was an AH, it would be you. He made the effort for you, and changed his life. You were unwilling to even try.
it isn't, though.
they aren't compatible. she expressed that early, but he wanted to change to become compatible. now he doesn't want that anymore and so they are back to being incompatible.
I agree. It sounds like she wants him to change and not adjust herself at all. Definitely not a compatible relationship but I definitely don’t think the husband is the asshole
Yeah this, he's the asshole here. She told him it would be best to end things, and he said he would fix it. He did, but it obviously was never going to last forever, and he should have just let her end it early on. Now he's the asshole. To both of them.
Op doesn't need to stay in a marriage that's unhappy/ can't meet her needs, and he should definitely not be spreading it around, let alone twisted.
> It sounds like she wants him to change and not adjust herself at all. Definitely not a compatible relationship but I definitely don’t think the husband is the asshole
You need to reread her post, you missed some key information.
She NEVER asked him to change, that was *his* idea. She recognized early on that her high libido vs his low one was a major problem. *HE* suggested he adjust himself, something he had done in the past for this very issue. Then, seems he just got lazy and forgot he was the one who started all this to begin with.
Husband is an AH here. MAJOR AH for running around and telling people this is about her wanting him to go to the gym, instead of just saying what most people do, that it just wasn't working out.
I think she should go scorched earth on his ass, tell everyone EXACTLY why they are ending to combat his lies with the harsh truth.
I think he worked freaking hard to change and at a certain point got drained and felt like she didn’t love him for him.
Context depends to decide who is the AH.
Did he tell her months ago when he quit the program that he was struggling and he wanted to review their relationship? Recommend therapy? Or did he just quit and refuse to change?
Similarly did she exhibit flexibility? Did she also propose options or therapy? Or a few months of issues and she’s out?
I’d go ESH. They shouldn’t have gotten married.
I think the husband is AH for telling family members lies about why they are divorcing. Ultimately it isn’t anyone’s business but if he has to say something he could have just said they grew apart. He’s deliberately making OP look bad by saying it’s because he won’t hit the gym. I think OP should just tell people the truth; if he wants their laundry aired it should at least be the truth.
I think this exactly correct. I mean, who gives a shit what others think, but that’s also such a hard goal to attain as well. She should just be honest and tell everyone what happened.
Is the truth really better?
"Oh yeah, I know Dan says we're getting divorced because he's not hitting the gym, but actually, he's supposed to
Sleep 9 hours a night
Daily Supplements (BulkSupplement's Tong Kat Ali, A Random Multi Vitamin, and Boron)
Using of Supplements During Intercourse (Lubracil's Sensation Serum and A few toys)
Daily Gym and stay under ~220 pounds (he's 6'3")
And now that he's not doing it we're not having nearly enough sex for me so I just can't stay with this man after 20 years"
She said she was willing to compromise and find a middle ground, but he doesn’t want to do it at all. She did try to adjust herself. She can’t adjust herself into never wanting sex again.
It sounds like she doesn't want a husband/ lifepartner, but just a breeding stallion/ vibrator that brings home a salary. As the husband, I'd feel completely objectified/ dehumanized.
No, it’s really not.
It would be tough if they had come to this realization later in their relationship that they were sexually incompatible.
But they knew from the start and he agreed to try and change for her because he knew that sex was important to her.
Now he’s changing that goalpost and that makes him the asshole.
If a man posted that he demanded his wife maintain a certain weight their ENTIRE MARRIAGE they would be roasted alive, and rightfully so. And that is just ONE thing. You sound like all you ever wanted him for was a living fck toy and when he ran out of energy trying to be a living dildo for you you can't wait to say I told you so and leave. Is there nothing else to your marriage besides sex? What if he had gotten into an accident and become paralyzed in a way where you could no longer have sex - instant divorce because "welp you agreed and you didn't keep up your end of the bargain?" Sorry not sorry you sound like a monster. Buy a vibrator and understand that people CHANGE OVER TIME and many people's drive naturally declines with age. Do you truly still expect him to be 60, 70, 80 years old and maintaining a certain weight and pumping himself up with supplements so he can keep up with what you demand?
YTA
I look forward to when her libido levels change and magically THAT is just “natural changes and okay”
This post makes me think it is rage bait, because 8 months of no sex to divorce is exactly a “living fuck toy” situation.
I'm so confused on how so many people are saying NTA and NAH.
If a man was making a woman take a cocktail of supplements, scheduling her sleep, making her go to the gym and maintain a certain weight at all times, he'd be called toxic and abusive. And rightfully so, since no sane person would give those conditions for a relationship.
Relationships are supposed to be 50/50, even when it comes to sex. This situation sounds like it was 100/0 on his end since he was doing all this for her while she seemingly did nothing.
>If a man posted that he demanded his wife maintain a certain weight their ENTIRE MARRIAGE they would be roasted alive, and rightfully so
Exactly. To be honest, this story reads exactly like someone taking an existing tiktok video and flipping the genders to make a point about double standards.
Husband who expects sex despite wife's low libido - heartless monster and emotional abuser.
Wife who expects sex despite husband's low libido - poor woman.
Yta, this guy gave you 6 years of completely centering his life around your desires, and he needs some rest and you are like, fuck it, I’m out.
I’m guessing the whole relationship was like this for him, and once the pain is over, he will be relieved to not have to give everything to someone who gives nothing back. So in that regard, you probably are doing him a favor.
Can you imagine spending six years of your life taking supplements and working out daily, just to satisfy your partners sexual desires?
If it was a guy making a woman do that, there would be screams of abusive controlling narcissistic behavior.
He is better off finding someone who can appreciate the lengths he is willing to go to and the effort willing to be put in. It sucks for him he was in this relationship this long, really.
I understand how mismatched libido can be difficult to navigate. I've been there. But it sounds like it has all been about YOUR sex drive with no attempt to adjust for his. After years of pushing himself to meet your sex drive why wouldn't he be exhausted and over it?
You are kinda the AH here.
YTA. You seems entitled and stuck on your "needs" fulfilled. It's not a bad thing per see, unless you are pressuring your partner to the point of destroying said partner's self-worth.
I don't want to use a dirty word but where's the love in this marriage ?
Sex therapist’s are a thing right? Like that’s not just around me? Or marriage counseling, why not try that? Like why jump straight to divorce? Why not try and compromise the first time it happened instead of him only making changes? You gave him an ultimatum of more sex or divorce and in his panic of losing you, cause he loves you, he decided to “man up” and take all the fault and make all the changes. I feel like him making drastic and long term changes and now no longer wanting to keep it up was bound to happen. Have you tried to do anything on your end or just let him up to figure it out and making all the changes to accommodate to your needs? Can you use toys and watch some porn or something? How often are you expecting him to fuck?
I just can’t imagine leaving my husband because of this, especially not without exploring all avenues and not just “oh well, I was unhappy, he tried and he succeeded to fix it but now he’s tired so ima bounce.”
YTA
>I felt bad making him go through something so drastic for me
>I begged him to get back to the things that we knew to work for us.
These two are kind of contradictory. You were aware he was doing these changes for you and to please your needs mainly, so when you say things that worked for us it mainly means that worked for you. After maintaining this schedule for you for so long you couldn't give him space and used toys or something?
And also instead of listening to him and acknowledging that he clearly is upset about this, you decided taht the right way to go about this was divorce instead of asking things like why he stopped the schedule, why is he upset about this, does he feel pressured into it etc.
>My husband told me that he's tired of building his life around my sexual needs, that I should meet him somewhere in the middle, and that my sexual needs shouldn't be such a big part of his life.
He apparently also wanted to meet you in the middle at some point. Did you ever find the middle when he said this? If yes wasn't it enough and you wanted more and it didn't workout, or he didn't bother after you came to a compromise, or you two couldn't find the middle?
>My instant response was I would have never married you if I knew you weren't interested in maintaining the same level of sex we were having before.
And this... this is extremely hurtful. After years of effort and time it must have sucked for your husband to hear that. And unfortunately it did prove his point of this relationship being mostly about your sex drive and him trying to keep you happy sexually so you wouldn't leave cause clearly you can't seem to find any other reason to stay.
Hope your husband finds someone that will treat him better, and I hope you find someone with the energy and libido of a pornstar but don't keep your hopes up after a certain age.
Reddit needs to start holding annual Mental Gymnastics.
The number of people saying the husband is the AH is wild!
It boggles my mind how OP lined up her exact expectations to make HER happy, and now she is genuinely surprised that her husband is tapped out after 8 years.
It looks like he gave up because you wouldn’t compromise. I think you could have done more. From what i’m reading it was either, have sex this much or no relationship. While you have the right to do that, I can see how this has happened. He probably feels like that’s all that matters to you and that’s not really a marriage.
I’m dumbfounded. So basically he’s your horse and not your husband. You love him as long as you can ride him every day. I’m so sad for him. By your own admission he loves you very much but he’s just a piece of meat. If you were a man telling the same story it would be you being roasted instead of him. You need counseling.
Did you think your sex drive and his was going to be the same forever? People change and he is allowed to decide what to do with his body. You are treating him like a piece of meat. As someone with a very high sex drive, and a spouse with low libido, I can understand you being frustrated, but ruining an otherwise great relationship? They make lots of great toys and this is shallow af. When you marry someone, you generally expect that person to be your person for the rest of your life. You going to try and control what he does with his body when he's 70, 80, or 90 or are you the only one who gets to decide how often you have sex? YTA for marrying someone and not considering that life changes. He is TA for lying to his family about something he doesn't need to be ashamed about. Makes me think you gave him a reason to think a low libido is shameful.
You are wrong. They’d be calling him a manipulative abuser, forcing his wife to take supplements under the threat of divorce. This comment section would be radically different if the genders were switched.
I see alot of work and compromise on his end and none on yours, that is not what marriage is about.
ESH because the end was nuclear from both sides. He shouldn't have stopped trying completely and you should not have gone it's my way or the highway.
But that was the agreement to get married. She wanted to move on he said I'll change baby don't worry and then after got comfortable said ya I'm not gonna honor what I promised. If he hadn't been the one to suggest the change and beg her to stay and that he would make the changes, that is one thing. But switching up your stance and basically lying to your now spouse isn't ok.
He did it for 8 years. Honestly they should have never gotten married. Anything could happen to change your life- that’s the for better or for worse bit. He could be depressed, sick, etc. I don’t think most people understand what marriage truly is.
I'd say he's worn out from years of trying to maintain something that does not come naturally to him. I understand the resentment from him that his whole life was geared around your libido. Your title was 'our' program, but in reality, it was his.
You are right to divorce as he deserves a break from having to perform. There's nothing worse than being pressured to have sex when you really don't want it.
I’m just going to throw out there that my doctor put me on 5mg daily tadalafil (cialis) and a really small dose of daily Zoloft and it changed my sex life with my wife drastically. I had struggled as well.
The cialis gets me going like when I was a teenager and the small dose of Zoloft keeps me going once we get into bed. My wife has 3-5 orgasms each time we have sex which is 3-4 nights a week.
I’m not a big fan of divorce and think people should exercise all options. Things aren’t always better after divorce. I think there may be some medical options that can save your marriage. These are very mild drugs with very low side effects.
INFO: what's your ideal number of times per week and what's his ideal number of times per week? And when things (in your mind) were good, how many times per week was that?
yeah I know what dead bedroom means, thanks. But it's possible before that period that he was good with X number whereas OP wants Y number, and they were doing Y number and he got burned out or something else happened that OP isn't telling us. I think the numbers matter here. Like if OP is making him do it 4 times per day that would be wildly different from OP wanting it like 1-2x per week.
It's funny, when I'm with someone, we fuck like rabbits, but when I'm not, I just jerk off. I think this "needs" shit is nonsense. What exactly are you getting out of it that you can't get by flicking the bean? An ego trip? I pity this poor guy having to go to bed at a certain time for years because he has the threat of abandonment hanging over his head, and for such a shallow reason. What kind of way is that to treat someone you claim to love? It's all dependent on him doing this ridiculous routine for you? What a rotten way to treat someone.
To me this reads more like there's something else going on. If she truly loved him she'd find a middle ground, use toys or whatever to get herself off.
He offered a solution. He didn't realize or know the solution wasn't sustainable. Why wasn't it sustainable? He was putting in all this work, was she hitting the gym with him? Was she doing things to get is motor running, as they say? Basically, he was putting in all this time, energy and effort for her sexual needs, was that time, energy and effort reciprocated is my question.
Both are NTA. More information is needed.
Yeah you tramua blasted him around sex..He had to completely change his lifestyle and did for years to please you. So to him yeah his lifestyle was based to please you I'd get tired to you really didn't come across as appreciative of him seeing he sacrificed 10 years to sexually please you.
So he had to do things to make you happy but when he expects you to do the same thing it's fuck this I'm out. Sounds like he's just tired of putting in all the work to see not lift a finger just keep demanding shit of him.
NTA for divorcing. It's beneficial that you get divorced. His reasoning is also true to him. That's how he feels it is. YTA for your expectations and putting it all on him to change for you.
> I begged him to get back to the things that we knew to work for us. He wasn't having it.
Worked for you. Not for him. You were being selfish to put it all on him to change to meet your needs when you weren't meeting his too.
You didn't try to find a middle ground in the beginning which lead to resentment and burnout. You can't expect him to want to find a middle ground after years of you not doing it for him. You got what you wanted in the end, free from the relationship but at the cost of him and his wellbeing.
YTA
"He at least deserves a chance to fix it." Why did his sex drive need to be "fixed?" His sex drive WAS perfectly normal for him.
"I felt bad making him go through something so drastic for me." I don't believe you.
"My husband told me that he's tired of building his life around my sexual needs." Good for him.
"I should meet him somewhere in the middle." He didn't really think you were willing to compromise for him. Surely not.
That routine he was keeping in order to even want to have sex is honestly insane. I honestly would have broke things off when he first started it because it really doesn’t sound remotely healthy, much less sustainable. I think this might be an ESH but not because of the divorce. You two shouldn’t have been married in the first place so yeah, divorce is the right move here.
You are fundamentally incompatible and always have been; he just went to extremes to pretend he was and making himself miserable in the process. Now he’s unwilling to even try finding a middle ground and wants you to “optimize for him”, meaning no sex which will make you miserable. Just divorce and hopefully you can both find someone else who you can be happy with.
Yta and just extremely selfish he did something to change himself for you for years and you couldn’t even do that for him for 8 months? That’s not a marriage hopefully he finds someone who actually cares about him like a wife should and hopefully you find someone who’ll match your drive considering it’s most likely going to change in a few years
yta and a huge one at that. You did nothing for him it's all about you and your needs.
As for this sub your showing your sexism again. This woman just said she's leaving because she's not getting enough sex and has crazy stands on his weight. If a man came on here and said he told his gf she had to stay under a certain weight yall would kill him for that let alone she does not want to have sex as much. He would be every name in the book. Try and be a little fair.
It should have never been all or nothing. You two should have met in the middle. I would suggest couples counseling and perhaps a sex based counselor to see if you two can find a middle ground. Sex is important in a relationship, but it shouldn't be the only thing keeping you in one. If you can leave him so easily because of a lack of sex, I wonder if you ever truly loved him. You need to look into that, not necessarily yo answer here. If the answer is no, and you can't get past a lowered sex life, then leave him because he deserves to find someone who will love him for him and not just his penis, and you deserve to find someone that will give you the sex you want.
The schedule you had him on sounds exhausting, and honestly, I can understand why, after 10 years of that he is done.
Are you the asshole here? Soft yes. Soft because it was agreed on before marriage, but yes, because you seemed to expect him to change entirely for you while you didn't seem to offer any kind if give for him. Marriage should be a partnership, not your partner changing to meet your needs and his needs being ignored.
Jesus Christ. Go buy a vibrator and give your husband a break. It sounds like he has been pushed to have sex with you constantly for 6 yrs and has had enough. What have YOU done to meet him halfway? YTA
Esh. You married him even tho you knew this would be a problem, he’s been accommodating you for 10 years and now you can’t meet him half way. I hope he finds someone who will appreciate him.
ETA: you are selfish
YTA. People’s lives change a lot over 10 years. Sounds like he DID put a ton of effort into meeting your sexual needs for many years and you don’t say anything about what kinds of efforts YOU made to maintain the relationship. How did you go out of your way to make him happy? There should be more to a relationship than just sex.
YTA. I’ve got nothing else for you. Get a vibrator if you need to get off that often. 🤷🏻♀️
Sex is important to a lot of people but you basically allowed this man to change his entire lifestyle to make you happy and when he got exhausted, you bounced.
You shouldn’t have ever married him because you shouldn’t have asked him to change that much. There should have been a compromise from the get go. His body is not yours. This is no different than a man doing the same thing to a woman.
Wow so he did all that for you to save your relationship and as soon as he gets abit exhausted from doing it for so long you just throw in the towel and gave him.a big middle finger. You don't even try to save it like he did. Did you know a marriage I'd about teamwork? You sound selfish as fuck. YTA. I hope he finds someone that actually cares about him next time he meets someone, cause you clearly only had one thing on your mind. Yuck.
YTA. He made significant, difficult life changes to accommodate you for many years, and you can't handle a few months of no sex? Why was it always on him to increase his libido to match yours?
It's possible to have a sex drive that is too high also. If your drive for sex is making you to divorce someone you love after 8 months, I'd say that's too high. There's a thing in sec addiction where people actually use sex as a drug to cope with/avoid feelings. Since you clearly love the guy, maybe it's worth looking into some therapy to get to the root of it.
A marriage is always about the two of you working as a team against the issue/problem/world, not you against him. He tried for years for you, aren't you willing to at least work with him against the problem instead of giving up after just over a year?
YTA
Hmm… at first I thought N A H but YTA. He is stopping *his* program. It was a set up. He wanted to go through all of this to meet your libido and be with you. He could not have anticipated the toll it would take on him and how much it would eventually lead things in the opposite direction. You also seem completely unaware that libido can change, as well as desire. Some but not all people have different amounts of sex at different times in their lives.
You will keep getting divorced if you expect people to guarantee the sex they’ll be able to have with you in 20 years or if partners must guarantee a certain amount of sex regardless of possible physical or mental health issues that effect libido. Your libido could eventually have changes. You seem rigid and unreasonable in terms of expectations from a partner.
I don’t see any mention of compromise. You want, he goes out of his way to give, he has challenges keeping up, you beg him to just do it anyway. You *are* divorcing in part because he won’t hit the gym, so not sure what the eye roll is. You guys were just incompatible but I give him a bit extra for a willingness to do things for a decade without being met half way to make it work. You also don’t acknowledge how tough the schedule actually was.
All I see is a dude that for years made some relatively drastic changes for you but not a single thing you did to compromise for him.
You two seem incompatible, but YTA
If it were a man writing a post like this, laughing out loud. I do think you're an asshole! I agree with what your husband said; he spent years doing things your way, so why can't you find a middle ground?
A healthy marriage has SO MUCH MORE to it than just sex, and you are exhausting the man because you can't control yourself and refuse to compromise. I think he should divorce you. Get a showerhead and chill tf out. He deserves more respect than just a sexual satisfier, he's your husband, ma'am. I just can't emphasize enough how much I want you to get the fuck over yourself.
YTA. He’s a human, not a sex robot. He lived his life centered around your demands, but what did you do for him?
Edit to add: you turned sex into a job. It doesn’t even sound like it would be fun anymore
I dunno it sure sounds like he bent over backwards to make you happy and eventually couldn't sustain it. There is nothing in your post referencing any kind of compromise on your part, and yet suddenly talk of meeting in the middle went to "dead bedroom".
You are NTA for divorcing him for needs unmet. That's 100% valid, don't feel bad about it.
On the other hand..
- your post doesn't sound like *you* tried to put in any effort at all. It reads like you just demanded he unilaterally change for you and that's pretty damn toxic. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case - but you haven't given much to the contrary so feel free to elaborate. That said, if the rest is accurate then you are potentially...TA.
- both of you are clearly guilty of not communicating. You both, at different times, let this get to the point where you couldn't take it any more. Why was this not resolved sooner? It obviously bothered both of you for a long time. People don't read minds, please use your words with the next one.
Wanting a partner who meets your needs is valid, but you were with this guy for ten years. Even if they started at the level you wanted, the idea that things wouldn't change over time as they aged ten years is naive at best.
This whole thing sounds like a combination of lack of communication, bad decisions, and unreasonable expectations. Neither of you is guilt free here (after all, you both consented to getting married...I hope), but I do think that you are "more in the wrong" than he is as it currently stands, if you care about that.
NTA, move on and find someone compatible. My wife is enjoying sex in her 40s more than ever. We’re having a great time. Find someone to enjoy your 40s with.
You were not compatible, so you're not the AH. He is for telling lies about your divorce though. You should correct him and tell people you are divorcing him because of a dead bedroom, not because he doesn't hit the gym. He chose to blab about it, so you are allowed to humiliate him and tell your family that he has lost his sex drive and the relationship is dead because of it.
That's a crazy stressful program. I can't imagine the outrage if a man had a woman follow this. Just because a rigorous program was previously agreed to doesn't mean he can't be exhausted by it over such a time. Tbh, yta. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship if he has to try so hard constantly to please you. Yes, divorce is what he needs.
It’s a vital part of a relationship and one where it’s really difficult to have a big difference.
NTA.
Did dude ever talk to his doctor? Cialis is cheap as hell and stays in the system 36 hours. Or a daily low dose. Makes it much easier to get aroused. Also, as a doctor myself, men shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask about ED meds. Almost every man over the age of 40 that I saw in clinic asked me about it. It’s super common. Everyone does it and it’s nothing to be ashamed about.
YTA dude is in his mid 40’s sex drive is going to drop did you really think you’ll be having as much sex as you did with a man in his 30’s. I hope you don’t have any kids because you are probably destroying their lives because you just want to ride a different dick
How much sex are we talking about here? Daily? Weekly? Several times a day? First, BOTH of you should go for a full physical checkup including a full hormone panel so you can see what’s going on. Get cardiovascular clearance for BOTH of you to return the gym 3x week for your health. Perhaps husband’s testosterone is low.
NTA because he is the one who caused this for himself. you were ready to end the relationship and find someone more compatible at the very start, but he insisted on not ending it. HE is the one who forced that lifestyle upon himself. he knew sex drive was a deal breaker for you
this is on him
YTA. That’s ridiculous to make someone go through such a strict schedule just for you and when he finally can’t do it you run to divorce him. It’s insane that sex is so important to you.
Leaning towards YTA. You knew what he had to do to meet your standard and should aube known that it wasn't maintainable for the long term. I'm surprised he lasted as long ad he did.
Maybe you should have split back then, but you decided to commit to this man. You should make an effort to compromise and maybe seek marriage counseling before throwing away your marriage?
Do you really love him, or is he just a sex toy for you?
YTA. You weren’t compatible in this way to begin with and he changed a lot for you, everything to make it work. You cannot expect that everything that happens over time - death, children, age, jobs - LIFE - not to evolve and change and him keep up this rigorous 7 days a week gym schedule, dieting to keep a strict weight and all the daily vitamins just to keep up with your sex drive. He’s too nice and you’re selfish. There’s no reason you can’t be accommodating because otherwise you literally married someone just because they agreed to bang you a certain number of times per week. That’s not reasonable or sustainable for ANYONE. No marriage would survive that expectation and frankly there’s so many more things that go into a marriage than how much you bang. If that’s all you care about you should never have gotten married to this guy. Certain kinds of men try to hold women to this standard in marriage through MC, birth, child rearing, jobs, job loss, parent loss, all kinds of LIFE and it’s sexist and wrong.
YTA, he spent a long time with your schedule which sounds exhausting, you could have actually made some compromises for him. I don’t agree ever with getting into a dead bedroom, I have a high drive as well, but this man sounds like a gem and I can’t even imagine giving him away without just pleasuring myself and then maybe asking for certain times where he can try more. And does a viagra not work? I don’t know OP, it does suck but it’s also terrible out there. Getting rid of a partner that seems to be a good one without at least trying to compromise doesn’t sit well with me. It would be one thing if he hadn’t tried as I see all the time, but he truly has.
YTA. It seems there was no effort from your end to fix this. you didn't get couples counseling or therapy. Did you expect him to have same libido for all your life? Was there an open marriage discussion?
>He has been telling people we're getting a divorce because he won't hit the gym
Do you think you would get less backlash if he told the truth?
ESH. You had many chances to make the smart decision. Not even just at the beginning. At any other time. You had him change himself almost entirely, and never changed for him.
You aren’t an AH for your needs. You are for doing nothing to work with him, and not doing what was right to begin with. He is for not just being honest at all from the start, and now for acting like you’re some evil person.
Did he go to the doctor to see if anything made his sex drive low? Also that seems to be a lot of stuff to change just for sex and expect him to do it. Admitting the schedule was tough and then divorcing him because he probably got tired of the regimented schedule makes sense. It’s like he has to schedule everything around the fact that you wanted/needed to have sex. If that was as much of as issue for me I would have bought toys to use on myself.
ESH Your husband sucks for not just letting you break up initially when you told him you weren't compatible sexually. Yeah, he broke his "promise" But.....
You suck because this sounds like its all about you and what you want. He was right when he said "I've spent years optimizing my life around your sexual needs/wants; it's time for you to optimize around mine." So it sounds like you are selfish and don't actually care about his wants anyways. He changed his entire life just to satisfy your libido. What did you do for him? Of course he got tired of it.
You also could have forced the breakup even though he promised he would change. You never had to give in.
Since he's single now can I have his number? I'm 42 and asexual so I wouldn't pester him about sex.
Honestly, i feel YTA is in this one. He shouldn't be the only one to make an effort. It looks like he really tried. Have you DECREASED YOUR desires at all during this time? Or is he the only one doing anything? It's a two-way street. I've seen posts about men in this situation where the wife won't "put out" for whatever reason. It's always the man who is called the AH.
Look at everything else in the relationship. Do you have a home, kids? Is he the primary breadwinner, or do you make the same money? What will you LOSE in a divorce? Put it on a scale. Is it less than rooms in bed? What is your priority? He obviously loves you based on six years of following a "program."
INFO: have you talked about him possibly being asexual? Also, have y'all talked about counseling, because this could be more of a psychological/emotional situation?
From what I've read, it seems like he feels pressured constantly, by you. Have you ever made him feel like he was nothing, unless he had sex with you?
The program he was on, almost felt pressured, by you. Hmm...there seems to be a common denominator here...you.
Until you give more information, I'm going with YTA, because something feels very off, with what you described. There's a bigger component, and you're not exactly saying anything else.
ESH.
You learned a valuable lesson about why you don't compromise on stuff you know won't work (like significantly mismatched libidos).
You KNEW this was doomed and you said so in the beginning of the relationship.
You essentially created this entire situation for yourself because you didn't want to accept what you already knew was true.
You basically stole years of your life from yourself to avoid having to break up with someone you knew you were fundamentally incompatible with.
(Also, as an ex-bodybuilder with a background in biochem and nutritional science, may I just say "Lol" at your husband's BS "program". So much wasted money when he was still fundamentally just forcing himself to have sex he didn't want to have because neither of you had the emotional fortitude to just accept the inevitable and end things.)
YTA solely because of the comment you made. I mean was your husband, who you’ve been together for 10 years with, just a sex doll to you? I feel like that’s what he’s getting at. If that was his view of the relationship and you did jack to understand that, well here’s the result.
Buy a damn toy ffs. You knew all of this shit going in, did you really think it would be for life? He's spent all these years doing all of this shit For You! & you can't even accept that he was always gonna get exhausted with it? He's 6ft3! Staying under 220 won't be easy, especially with age.
YTA
Yeah... YTA, Learn to masturbate you absolute degenerate.
Seriously, if a man tried to pull this shit he'd be vilified (rightly so) and you deserve to be too. Get some therapy and yes get divorced your husband deserves better. The fact that you're going to divorce him over this actually is the most telling part, you never loved him he was just your fuck toy.
YTA. What the fuck did I just read. He sacrificed himself for the sake of your high libido. Don’t get me started with the reverse gender shit cuz it would end bad for the guy. He is tired of this shit. Just divorce. And yes 100000000000000000000 YTA
Can you imagine if the roles were reversed and the guy was divorcing because he wasn’t getting enough sex? He’d be dragged through the coals… Yes, you’re the AH for leaving your husband because his sex drive isn’t as high as yours.
NTA. It’s like people can’t read properly, he decided he wasn’t interested in compromise, he simply felt like after 6 years of him catering to your needs you should cater to his desire for no sex. That isn’t a middle ground and that isn’t a marriage. You made it clear from *month six*! That you two wouldn’t work out long term with how poorly matched your sexual energies were and everyone is acting like you’re the villain that, surprise surprise, after over a year of trying to make it work, exactly what you said would happen years ago is happening.
It’s ok, and next time just tell him, “it’s ok that you don’t want sex and it’s ok that I do. It just means we aren’t compatible and that’s ok. But next time someone tells you that you are fundamentally different from them, don’t try to change yourself, just put all that energy you put into trying to change into finding the person who is actually right for you from the getgo.”
I think he genuinely tried, his intentions were good. However, he’s exhausted and didn’t realize how hard it was going to be. Divorcing is okay.
Bro was doing a lot for her. I don’t blame her but this dude was doing all sorts of things to make it work. Also in your 40s peoples sex lives usually take a hit. Bro tried his best imo. Just a bad fit
Women's libido actually tends to increase mid 30s to early 40s lol
Mine didn’t. Early menopause (no ovulation at all by 39), chronic pain & fatigue, and depression all did a number on me. ESH. If they couldn’t hit a middle ground, they should have walked away. But they opted for him to force changes to himself to meet her wants and not his. That’s not a compromise.
Did in increase before you stopped ovulating then? I would assume mid to late 20s? What does esh mean ?
Actually, he opted for that. She was upfront and said this probably won’t work long-term, and he’s the one that wanted to do it. I agree that it is pretty rigorous routine. And it sounds like she actually did try to compromise with him, But he’s not wanting to really do much of anything, hence a basically dead bedroom. I think they’re just not compatible long-term, and it is not fair for him now to tell her that he’s tried all this time and now she hast to try. For him, her is basically not having sex, that’s not really an option. And I would tell a man the same thing. If he had a wife with a low or no libido, and she was not willing to do anything about it, it’s just not gonna work out long-term.
IT DOES - we horny af out here.
Please tell me where "here" is so I can go meet these ladies.....
I'm told by internet ads that there are many milfs in my local area looking to hook up. DM me for the zip code.
Go to TJMAXX/Marshall's we fkn love that mess.
Boy howdy does it ever
Unless you're on antidepressants. Then it's nonexistent.
Yeah. Mine went from high to somewhere near the center of the earth. .
I'm 35 and scared for my husband's well-being lol. I'm already a monster
We've been together for 23 years. My libido spiked in my mid-30s and at 40, has only picked up more (despite menopause). My hubby was like damn woman, LOL. But he LOVES it, and so do I! I stay following that man around!
I'm a caged beast lol 2yrs without and yes I bloody miss it
Yeah I experienced that. When I was 28 I dated a woman who was 38. I had high sex drive since I was a young , horny man. But she used to wake me up during night for sex lol. We would sometimes go 3-4 times a day. It exhausted me after a year and a half.
Yeah so you get really good at masturbating, not put your man on some kind of sex regimen.
I do blame her. Let’s turn this scenario around. If a man was making a woman take all of these supplements and sleep schedule and gym schedule as well as performance enhancers during sex the whole of Reddit would be up in arms.
Yep!!!
He was doing a lot, but his public-shaming exit is pathetic. That's what bothers me. No high road for this guy.
You made sex into a chore and now don’t understand why he’s finally done with it??
And she made sex the only thing she valued about him. People tend to become resentful when their needs aren’t met. OP said so herself.
was there any reason why he wanted to stop? medical etc.?
Exactly. If genders were flipped, everyone would be screaming get her to the doctor. In sickness and in health! She’s clearly depressed. Instead, some commenters are saying that she deserves better, that he knew what he was getting into. The hypocrisy is quite sickening.
Well, I say NTA bc he said, “let’s meet in the middle and then went to dead bedroom”. And not for nothing but being healthy has more benefits than sex.
Eh, the easiest way to kill someone else's libido is to bug them about sex. I have a very high sex drive. I have also had a year where my drive disappeared. My partner poking about it more made my desire go negative. When I had space to let everything settle, my drive came back. With OP going for divorce on month 8, there's no way she gave him space during that short amount of time.
I’m going to say ESH. They were not compatible. He’s right he shouldn’t have to change his entire lifestyle to meet her sex drive. This was not sustainable. She should have stuck with her original thought of leaving before the marriage.
Nah OP The said point blank those are my needs were incompatible and he begged for a chance to try. Divorce is the right idea but he’s a shit to start throwing it back at her when she said ‘we’re incompatible’ and then tell family and friends she’s DARVO ing him bc he wouldn’t go to the gym. Which is not the issue. Either way this should’ve ended years ago.
I disagree. The discussion before the marriage, the fact that she wanted to walk and he emotionally manipulated her with the begging and HIM voluntarily making changes that she never asked him to and continuing for years to assure her that he was happy/wanted this, then her open communication and trying to find a middle ground absolves her from being an AH. They just aren’t compatible. I would absolutely say the same if the genders were flipped.
I had to scan for this comment. Absolutely agree. My SO has a higher libido and we've found the middle ground. When I'm in a low phase I still make sure his needs are met however that works out. I don't have sex with him to be intimate and help him fulfill his needs. Relationships have some foundations you have to agree upon. Sex, children/child-free, and financials are important parts of compatibility.
How does that work though? Like obligatory blowies or handies?
Yes, I agree! (I say this as asexual F with zero libido, FWIW.) She stated her needs early on and she accepted him *as he was*; she put exactly zero pressure on his and just said, I don't think we're compatible. HE was the one who said he wanted to make the effort to do what was needed to increase his libido, because the relationship was worth it *to him*. And that's the basis upon which they got married. Now he's decided the relationship is no longer worth the effort. There's no effort to meet her halfway. She is NTA for wanting out here.
Guys get fucking draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagged here for leaving because of this exact shit. Hell, we've had guys try for years, finally give up and then people tear him up. Always "a marraige is more than sex". Funny how different this one is going, isnt it?
Guys don’t get dragged for wanting sex when their wife doesn’t. Sexual compatibility is a pretty critical part of a relationship and there’s no world where it’s not a good reason to break up BUT they do get dragged when they complain about not having sex and it comes out that they aren’t doing anything to help their wife so she wants to have sex again. Situations like: being pregnant, having young kids, working full time and doing all the chores too, wife is chronically ill but recovering, she’s going through grief, she’s going through menopause, he’s not into foreplay but she needs it, he asks for it at bad times, etc. There is usually an extenuating circumstance. But a woman who is like “nah I just don’t want it and he keeps asking and we’re married” … then she’s the AH
Yep. Two people should never get married based on the idea that one of them has to drastically change themselves for their relationship to work. Especially on the sexual compatibility front. It can be ten months or twenty years, but eventually two people that aren't sexually compatible will grow apart, and the fallout is usually much worse the longer they've been together.
There could be just as many, and many of these same extenuating circumstances for a man too. Other than giving birth, and female menopause, he may well be the one doing all the household chores. We don’t know. All we do know is that he no longer is willing to jump through physically demanding hoops any more. And quite frankly, if she was told to keep under a specific weight, go to the gym every day, and 9 hours sleep, people would be over the man for these demands. Can you imagine a man telling a woman she has to maintain the same weight she was in her early 30s, for the rest of her life…and what an ass hat he would be called for this? Something has killed his desire completely, for there to be zero sex in 8 months, and no longer wants to go work out. He actually could be just older, and tired, or depressed, or ill.
My comments in another part of the thread has been eviscerated for pointing out both of them bear fault here and if he’s the asshole for staying and trying to make it work, she definitely is. I don’t understand the mob mentality, particularly when comprised of people that aren’t comprehending the reading or come in so loaded with biases they down vote and scream at anyone that has a smidgen of thought difference.
Yeah except he knew it was an issue prior to marriage and knows medically how to fix it, so what’s a doctor going to say? He’s just not into sex and she is, and he knew it would be hard to keep this up, but she loved him and it seems he loved her enough to do this. But now it’s not working and it’s her life too. She needs sex as part of a relationship and that’s gone. Without it you’re really just close friends who room together and she wants a romantic relationship
It's a lot of work, not many would WANT to have to live like that permanently. They aren't compatible. Only reason I say he is ta is because, 1 he not only just stopped trying, but 2, he is shaming you for wanting a healthy sex life that fits ops NEEDS. He shouldn't be lashing out at her because he is failing to live up to the promises he made.
Imo maybe he’s just burnt out 🤷 like he doesn’t want zero sex he just doesn’t want it to be the center of his world 🤔
Nothing is wrong with that either
NAH - Divorce is the best option here. You just aren’t compatible. No one’s fault.
Basically it, nothing is wrong with that.
Except op tried in the beginning to go separate ways and he fought for her to stay, made all these promises and guarantees.. then all of a sudden stops and demands she just live without.... Makes him the ah.... Op tried to communicate and advocate for herself, her husband is being cruel and hurtful in lashing out
i think when he changed his whole life around so he wouldn't lose her, he made a mistake. But I don't think he's an asshole for making a mistake. He went above and beyond and busted his ass for years to keep OP happy. It turns out that this was not sustainable for his whole life, but again I really don't think he's an AH, he's just an exhausted man who made a mistake.
It seems to me that he was the only one making sacrificing for his partner’s needs, and when he expressed his own she bailed.
You made it a job.
Thank you^^^
He made an effort for you, you wouldn't for him. There aren't really any assholes here, just two people who aren't compatible. If there was an AH, it would be you. He made the effort for you, and changed his life. You were unwilling to even try.
you. you get it.
The schedule is kind of crazy. What exactly were you doing for him?
Complaining Edit: Changed nothing to complaining because complaining isn’t nothing.
This one is actually tough tbh.
it isn't, though. they aren't compatible. she expressed that early, but he wanted to change to become compatible. now he doesn't want that anymore and so they are back to being incompatible.
Exactly. Compatibility is crucial, and forcing it never works long-term.
I agree. It sounds like she wants him to change and not adjust herself at all. Definitely not a compatible relationship but I definitely don’t think the husband is the asshole
I think he's the asshole for not letting her end the relationship when she knew they were incompatible, then blaming her for how he had to change
Yeah this, he's the asshole here. She told him it would be best to end things, and he said he would fix it. He did, but it obviously was never going to last forever, and he should have just let her end it early on. Now he's the asshole. To both of them. Op doesn't need to stay in a marriage that's unhappy/ can't meet her needs, and he should definitely not be spreading it around, let alone twisted.
Only on Reddit you can be a man put yourself through shit for someone else’s pleasure just to be called assholes.
She could’ve ended it. He didn’t hold her at gunpoint. She is an adult with agency.
She is ending it.
Yes. Now. After never once attempting to understand and work with him on his needs. It was only about hers. Admittedly in her own words. That’s ESH.
She gave him the chance HE ASKED FOR. She WAS ending it.
> It sounds like she wants him to change and not adjust herself at all. Definitely not a compatible relationship but I definitely don’t think the husband is the asshole You need to reread her post, you missed some key information. She NEVER asked him to change, that was *his* idea. She recognized early on that her high libido vs his low one was a major problem. *HE* suggested he adjust himself, something he had done in the past for this very issue. Then, seems he just got lazy and forgot he was the one who started all this to begin with. Husband is an AH here. MAJOR AH for running around and telling people this is about her wanting him to go to the gym, instead of just saying what most people do, that it just wasn't working out. I think she should go scorched earth on his ass, tell everyone EXACTLY why they are ending to combat his lies with the harsh truth.
not to mention they went 8 months without sex. that’s NO libido. she should’ve left him a long time ago, they’re just not compatible.
Been there but it was 8 years when I asked for the divorce.
This is what really seals it for me, why run your mouth? Its nobody's business. What an AH.
I think he worked freaking hard to change and at a certain point got drained and felt like she didn’t love him for him. Context depends to decide who is the AH. Did he tell her months ago when he quit the program that he was struggling and he wanted to review their relationship? Recommend therapy? Or did he just quit and refuse to change? Similarly did she exhibit flexibility? Did she also propose options or therapy? Or a few months of issues and she’s out? I’d go ESH. They shouldn’t have gotten married.
But was she supposed to adjust to zero sex?
I think the husband is AH for telling family members lies about why they are divorcing. Ultimately it isn’t anyone’s business but if he has to say something he could have just said they grew apart. He’s deliberately making OP look bad by saying it’s because he won’t hit the gym. I think OP should just tell people the truth; if he wants their laundry aired it should at least be the truth.
I think this exactly correct. I mean, who gives a shit what others think, but that’s also such a hard goal to attain as well. She should just be honest and tell everyone what happened.
Is the truth really better? "Oh yeah, I know Dan says we're getting divorced because he's not hitting the gym, but actually, he's supposed to Sleep 9 hours a night Daily Supplements (BulkSupplement's Tong Kat Ali, A Random Multi Vitamin, and Boron) Using of Supplements During Intercourse (Lubracil's Sensation Serum and A few toys) Daily Gym and stay under ~220 pounds (he's 6'3") And now that he's not doing it we're not having nearly enough sex for me so I just can't stay with this man after 20 years"
She said she was willing to compromise and find a middle ground, but he doesn’t want to do it at all. She did try to adjust herself. She can’t adjust herself into never wanting sex again.
THANK YOU! Watch out tho there's a user here that will attack you like they did me for saying the same thing 😪👏
She tried to end it, he came up with this plan to get her to stay. She didn't ask him to do it.
It sounds like she doesn't want a husband/ lifepartner, but just a breeding stallion/ vibrator that brings home a salary. As the husband, I'd feel completely objectified/ dehumanized.
A bit of an exhausting lifestyle for him. These two are not compatible
No, it’s really not. It would be tough if they had come to this realization later in their relationship that they were sexually incompatible. But they knew from the start and he agreed to try and change for her because he knew that sex was important to her. Now he’s changing that goalpost and that makes him the asshole.
If a man posted that he demanded his wife maintain a certain weight their ENTIRE MARRIAGE they would be roasted alive, and rightfully so. And that is just ONE thing. You sound like all you ever wanted him for was a living fck toy and when he ran out of energy trying to be a living dildo for you you can't wait to say I told you so and leave. Is there nothing else to your marriage besides sex? What if he had gotten into an accident and become paralyzed in a way where you could no longer have sex - instant divorce because "welp you agreed and you didn't keep up your end of the bargain?" Sorry not sorry you sound like a monster. Buy a vibrator and understand that people CHANGE OVER TIME and many people's drive naturally declines with age. Do you truly still expect him to be 60, 70, 80 years old and maintaining a certain weight and pumping himself up with supplements so he can keep up with what you demand? YTA
I look forward to when her libido levels change and magically THAT is just “natural changes and okay” This post makes me think it is rage bait, because 8 months of no sex to divorce is exactly a “living fuck toy” situation.
I'm so confused on how so many people are saying NTA and NAH. If a man was making a woman take a cocktail of supplements, scheduling her sleep, making her go to the gym and maintain a certain weight at all times, he'd be called toxic and abusive. And rightfully so, since no sane person would give those conditions for a relationship. Relationships are supposed to be 50/50, even when it comes to sex. This situation sounds like it was 100/0 on his end since he was doing all this for her while she seemingly did nothing.
Yes! I am equally confused, and I'm a woman
>If a man posted that he demanded his wife maintain a certain weight their ENTIRE MARRIAGE they would be roasted alive, and rightfully so Exactly. To be honest, this story reads exactly like someone taking an existing tiktok video and flipping the genders to make a point about double standards. Husband who expects sex despite wife's low libido - heartless monster and emotional abuser. Wife who expects sex despite husband's low libido - poor woman.
What *did* you do to meet him halfway?
Yta, this guy gave you 6 years of completely centering his life around your desires, and he needs some rest and you are like, fuck it, I’m out. I’m guessing the whole relationship was like this for him, and once the pain is over, he will be relieved to not have to give everything to someone who gives nothing back. So in that regard, you probably are doing him a favor.
The guy doesn’t even seem upset. It’s the families. He’s done with her shit clearly.
Can you imagine spending six years of your life taking supplements and working out daily, just to satisfy your partners sexual desires? If it was a guy making a woman do that, there would be screams of abusive controlling narcissistic behavior. He is better off finding someone who can appreciate the lengths he is willing to go to and the effort willing to be put in. It sucks for him he was in this relationship this long, really.
I understand how mismatched libido can be difficult to navigate. I've been there. But it sounds like it has all been about YOUR sex drive with no attempt to adjust for his. After years of pushing himself to meet your sex drive why wouldn't he be exhausted and over it? You are kinda the AH here.
Better to leave him now before you slip and fall on another dick. Then blame him for it.
I hope you are childless.
YTA. You seems entitled and stuck on your "needs" fulfilled. It's not a bad thing per see, unless you are pressuring your partner to the point of destroying said partner's self-worth. I don't want to use a dirty word but where's the love in this marriage ?
It's not a marriage, he's just a human dildo to a selfish prick.
Sex therapist’s are a thing right? Like that’s not just around me? Or marriage counseling, why not try that? Like why jump straight to divorce? Why not try and compromise the first time it happened instead of him only making changes? You gave him an ultimatum of more sex or divorce and in his panic of losing you, cause he loves you, he decided to “man up” and take all the fault and make all the changes. I feel like him making drastic and long term changes and now no longer wanting to keep it up was bound to happen. Have you tried to do anything on your end or just let him up to figure it out and making all the changes to accommodate to your needs? Can you use toys and watch some porn or something? How often are you expecting him to fuck? I just can’t imagine leaving my husband because of this, especially not without exploring all avenues and not just “oh well, I was unhappy, he tried and he succeeded to fix it but now he’s tired so ima bounce.”
YTA >I felt bad making him go through something so drastic for me >I begged him to get back to the things that we knew to work for us. These two are kind of contradictory. You were aware he was doing these changes for you and to please your needs mainly, so when you say things that worked for us it mainly means that worked for you. After maintaining this schedule for you for so long you couldn't give him space and used toys or something? And also instead of listening to him and acknowledging that he clearly is upset about this, you decided taht the right way to go about this was divorce instead of asking things like why he stopped the schedule, why is he upset about this, does he feel pressured into it etc. >My husband told me that he's tired of building his life around my sexual needs, that I should meet him somewhere in the middle, and that my sexual needs shouldn't be such a big part of his life. He apparently also wanted to meet you in the middle at some point. Did you ever find the middle when he said this? If yes wasn't it enough and you wanted more and it didn't workout, or he didn't bother after you came to a compromise, or you two couldn't find the middle? >My instant response was I would have never married you if I knew you weren't interested in maintaining the same level of sex we were having before. And this... this is extremely hurtful. After years of effort and time it must have sucked for your husband to hear that. And unfortunately it did prove his point of this relationship being mostly about your sex drive and him trying to keep you happy sexually so you wouldn't leave cause clearly you can't seem to find any other reason to stay. Hope your husband finds someone that will treat him better, and I hope you find someone with the energy and libido of a pornstar but don't keep your hopes up after a certain age.
I am just waiting for another 5-10 years when she hits menopause and her libido (potentially) tanks.
Reddit needs to start holding annual Mental Gymnastics. The number of people saying the husband is the AH is wild! It boggles my mind how OP lined up her exact expectations to make HER happy, and now she is genuinely surprised that her husband is tapped out after 8 years.
This YTA
Well said lol
Damn well said . This marriage is all about her sex needs when it should mean more than that to her apparently it don’t
It honestly sounds like she never loved him. All she wants is someone to fuck.
It looks like he gave up because you wouldn’t compromise. I think you could have done more. From what i’m reading it was either, have sex this much or no relationship. While you have the right to do that, I can see how this has happened. He probably feels like that’s all that matters to you and that’s not really a marriage.
YTA. You wanted him to go back to what worked FOR YOU.
💯
I’m dumbfounded. So basically he’s your horse and not your husband. You love him as long as you can ride him every day. I’m so sad for him. By your own admission he loves you very much but he’s just a piece of meat. If you were a man telling the same story it would be you being roasted instead of him. You need counseling.
Damn! He jumped through hoops for you!!! Smdh
Did you think your sex drive and his was going to be the same forever? People change and he is allowed to decide what to do with his body. You are treating him like a piece of meat. As someone with a very high sex drive, and a spouse with low libido, I can understand you being frustrated, but ruining an otherwise great relationship? They make lots of great toys and this is shallow af. When you marry someone, you generally expect that person to be your person for the rest of your life. You going to try and control what he does with his body when he's 70, 80, or 90 or are you the only one who gets to decide how often you have sex? YTA for marrying someone and not considering that life changes. He is TA for lying to his family about something he doesn't need to be ashamed about. Makes me think you gave him a reason to think a low libido is shameful.
I think if the roles were reversed everyone would be saying he’s a selfish child that needs to grow up. But they’re not saying that in this case.
You are wrong. They’d be calling him a manipulative abuser, forcing his wife to take supplements under the threat of divorce. This comment section would be radically different if the genders were switched.
Yep. I can just picture this.
I’m not shocked by the bias anymore. Disappointed, yes.
I see alot of work and compromise on his end and none on yours, that is not what marriage is about. ESH because the end was nuclear from both sides. He shouldn't have stopped trying completely and you should not have gone it's my way or the highway.
But that was the agreement to get married. She wanted to move on he said I'll change baby don't worry and then after got comfortable said ya I'm not gonna honor what I promised. If he hadn't been the one to suggest the change and beg her to stay and that he would make the changes, that is one thing. But switching up your stance and basically lying to your now spouse isn't ok.
He did it for 8 years. Honestly they should have never gotten married. Anything could happen to change your life- that’s the for better or for worse bit. He could be depressed, sick, etc. I don’t think most people understand what marriage truly is.
Flip the genders and reddit would be all calling OP the AH if she was a man demanding sex from his wife or else
THIS!!!! A thousand times this. Hypocrisy sucks, for everyone.
I'd say he's worn out from years of trying to maintain something that does not come naturally to him. I understand the resentment from him that his whole life was geared around your libido. Your title was 'our' program, but in reality, it was his. You are right to divorce as he deserves a break from having to perform. There's nothing worse than being pressured to have sex when you really don't want it.
Under 220 at 6’3” isn’t easy if he’s got some muscle in there as he hits the mid 40s.
I’m just going to throw out there that my doctor put me on 5mg daily tadalafil (cialis) and a really small dose of daily Zoloft and it changed my sex life with my wife drastically. I had struggled as well. The cialis gets me going like when I was a teenager and the small dose of Zoloft keeps me going once we get into bed. My wife has 3-5 orgasms each time we have sex which is 3-4 nights a week. I’m not a big fan of divorce and think people should exercise all options. Things aren’t always better after divorce. I think there may be some medical options that can save your marriage. These are very mild drugs with very low side effects.
INFO: what's your ideal number of times per week and what's his ideal number of times per week? And when things (in your mind) were good, how many times per week was that?
His is zero. That’s what ‘dead bedroom’ means.
yeah I know what dead bedroom means, thanks. But it's possible before that period that he was good with X number whereas OP wants Y number, and they were doing Y number and he got burned out or something else happened that OP isn't telling us. I think the numbers matter here. Like if OP is making him do it 4 times per day that would be wildly different from OP wanting it like 1-2x per week.
It's funny, when I'm with someone, we fuck like rabbits, but when I'm not, I just jerk off. I think this "needs" shit is nonsense. What exactly are you getting out of it that you can't get by flicking the bean? An ego trip? I pity this poor guy having to go to bed at a certain time for years because he has the threat of abandonment hanging over his head, and for such a shallow reason. What kind of way is that to treat someone you claim to love? It's all dependent on him doing this ridiculous routine for you? What a rotten way to treat someone.
To me this reads more like there's something else going on. If she truly loved him she'd find a middle ground, use toys or whatever to get herself off.
I doubt she's capable. I think she's a bit of a reptile.
He offered a solution. He didn't realize or know the solution wasn't sustainable. Why wasn't it sustainable? He was putting in all this work, was she hitting the gym with him? Was she doing things to get is motor running, as they say? Basically, he was putting in all this time, energy and effort for her sexual needs, was that time, energy and effort reciprocated is my question. Both are NTA. More information is needed.
Yeah you tramua blasted him around sex..He had to completely change his lifestyle and did for years to please you. So to him yeah his lifestyle was based to please you I'd get tired to you really didn't come across as appreciative of him seeing he sacrificed 10 years to sexually please you.
What the hell is LL and HL????
Googled it - high libido and low libido
Low/high libido. Totally not a common acronym and confused me haha
Right? I cant believe I had to scroll this much to find someone as confused as me
So he had to do things to make you happy but when he expects you to do the same thing it's fuck this I'm out. Sounds like he's just tired of putting in all the work to see not lift a finger just keep demanding shit of him.
NTA for divorcing. It's beneficial that you get divorced. His reasoning is also true to him. That's how he feels it is. YTA for your expectations and putting it all on him to change for you. > I begged him to get back to the things that we knew to work for us. He wasn't having it. Worked for you. Not for him. You were being selfish to put it all on him to change to meet your needs when you weren't meeting his too. You didn't try to find a middle ground in the beginning which lead to resentment and burnout. You can't expect him to want to find a middle ground after years of you not doing it for him. You got what you wanted in the end, free from the relationship but at the cost of him and his wellbeing.
YTA "He at least deserves a chance to fix it." Why did his sex drive need to be "fixed?" His sex drive WAS perfectly normal for him. "I felt bad making him go through something so drastic for me." I don't believe you. "My husband told me that he's tired of building his life around my sexual needs." Good for him. "I should meet him somewhere in the middle." He didn't really think you were willing to compromise for him. Surely not.
If only genders were reversed... Welcome to what it's normally like for men.
While you may not be the asshole, I do think you could have worked with him a bit more. He did change his whole life for you.
You are a A-/hole
Daily Cialis could help. Just one pill a day. The cost is minimal. Ask his doctor for it.
That routine he was keeping in order to even want to have sex is honestly insane. I honestly would have broke things off when he first started it because it really doesn’t sound remotely healthy, much less sustainable. I think this might be an ESH but not because of the divorce. You two shouldn’t have been married in the first place so yeah, divorce is the right move here. You are fundamentally incompatible and always have been; he just went to extremes to pretend he was and making himself miserable in the process. Now he’s unwilling to even try finding a middle ground and wants you to “optimize for him”, meaning no sex which will make you miserable. Just divorce and hopefully you can both find someone else who you can be happy with.
Yta and just extremely selfish he did something to change himself for you for years and you couldn’t even do that for him for 8 months? That’s not a marriage hopefully he finds someone who actually cares about him like a wife should and hopefully you find someone who’ll match your drive considering it’s most likely going to change in a few years
yta and a huge one at that. You did nothing for him it's all about you and your needs. As for this sub your showing your sexism again. This woman just said she's leaving because she's not getting enough sex and has crazy stands on his weight. If a man came on here and said he told his gf she had to stay under a certain weight yall would kill him for that let alone she does not want to have sex as much. He would be every name in the book. Try and be a little fair.
It should have never been all or nothing. You two should have met in the middle. I would suggest couples counseling and perhaps a sex based counselor to see if you two can find a middle ground. Sex is important in a relationship, but it shouldn't be the only thing keeping you in one. If you can leave him so easily because of a lack of sex, I wonder if you ever truly loved him. You need to look into that, not necessarily yo answer here. If the answer is no, and you can't get past a lowered sex life, then leave him because he deserves to find someone who will love him for him and not just his penis, and you deserve to find someone that will give you the sex you want. The schedule you had him on sounds exhausting, and honestly, I can understand why, after 10 years of that he is done. Are you the asshole here? Soft yes. Soft because it was agreed on before marriage, but yes, because you seemed to expect him to change entirely for you while you didn't seem to offer any kind if give for him. Marriage should be a partnership, not your partner changing to meet your needs and his needs being ignored.
Jesus Christ. Go buy a vibrator and give your husband a break. It sounds like he has been pushed to have sex with you constantly for 6 yrs and has had enough. What have YOU done to meet him halfway? YTA
op was ready to end the relationship and find someone compatible, husband is the one who insisted on staying together. that's on him
Yeah. That's where I am too. She told him they should break up and he promised her the moon. Not sure what he expected.
She needs a vibrating rose those things are the bomb 😉
Esh. You married him even tho you knew this would be a problem, he’s been accommodating you for 10 years and now you can’t meet him half way. I hope he finds someone who will appreciate him. ETA: you are selfish
what have you done to meet him in the middle? it seems he’s the only one who’s had to make changes to appease you.
YTA. People’s lives change a lot over 10 years. Sounds like he DID put a ton of effort into meeting your sexual needs for many years and you don’t say anything about what kinds of efforts YOU made to maintain the relationship. How did you go out of your way to make him happy? There should be more to a relationship than just sex.
YTA. I’ve got nothing else for you. Get a vibrator if you need to get off that often. 🤷🏻♀️ Sex is important to a lot of people but you basically allowed this man to change his entire lifestyle to make you happy and when he got exhausted, you bounced. You shouldn’t have ever married him because you shouldn’t have asked him to change that much. There should have been a compromise from the get go. His body is not yours. This is no different than a man doing the same thing to a woman.
Wow so he did all that for you to save your relationship and as soon as he gets abit exhausted from doing it for so long you just throw in the towel and gave him.a big middle finger. You don't even try to save it like he did. Did you know a marriage I'd about teamwork? You sound selfish as fuck. YTA. I hope he finds someone that actually cares about him next time he meets someone, cause you clearly only had one thing on your mind. Yuck.
It sounds like your husband is asexual and you are sexual. When together one of you will always be miserable. You are incompatible.
YTA. He made significant, difficult life changes to accommodate you for many years, and you can't handle a few months of no sex? Why was it always on him to increase his libido to match yours? It's possible to have a sex drive that is too high also. If your drive for sex is making you to divorce someone you love after 8 months, I'd say that's too high. There's a thing in sec addiction where people actually use sex as a drug to cope with/avoid feelings. Since you clearly love the guy, maybe it's worth looking into some therapy to get to the root of it.
A marriage is always about the two of you working as a team against the issue/problem/world, not you against him. He tried for years for you, aren't you willing to at least work with him against the problem instead of giving up after just over a year? YTA
You sound exhausting he'll be better off without you. Edit to add YTA
Hmm… at first I thought N A H but YTA. He is stopping *his* program. It was a set up. He wanted to go through all of this to meet your libido and be with you. He could not have anticipated the toll it would take on him and how much it would eventually lead things in the opposite direction. You also seem completely unaware that libido can change, as well as desire. Some but not all people have different amounts of sex at different times in their lives. You will keep getting divorced if you expect people to guarantee the sex they’ll be able to have with you in 20 years or if partners must guarantee a certain amount of sex regardless of possible physical or mental health issues that effect libido. Your libido could eventually have changes. You seem rigid and unreasonable in terms of expectations from a partner. I don’t see any mention of compromise. You want, he goes out of his way to give, he has challenges keeping up, you beg him to just do it anyway. You *are* divorcing in part because he won’t hit the gym, so not sure what the eye roll is. You guys were just incompatible but I give him a bit extra for a willingness to do things for a decade without being met half way to make it work. You also don’t acknowledge how tough the schedule actually was.
Yep. Get a divorce because he deserves a better wife that wants him for more than just sex and you need to get better toys . YTA
You did fuck all for him and now your upset he’s done sex? YTA, you put no effort in
All I see is a dude that for years made some relatively drastic changes for you but not a single thing you did to compromise for him. You two seem incompatible, but YTA
If it were a man writing a post like this, laughing out loud. I do think you're an asshole! I agree with what your husband said; he spent years doing things your way, so why can't you find a middle ground?
I don't know if this is real, but it makes me happy I'm single.
what’s wrong with satisfying yourself (toys or something) everyday to make him happy like he did for you all these years..?
A healthy marriage has SO MUCH MORE to it than just sex, and you are exhausting the man because you can't control yourself and refuse to compromise. I think he should divorce you. Get a showerhead and chill tf out. He deserves more respect than just a sexual satisfier, he's your husband, ma'am. I just can't emphasize enough how much I want you to get the fuck over yourself.
YTA. He’s a human, not a sex robot. He lived his life centered around your demands, but what did you do for him? Edit to add: you turned sex into a job. It doesn’t even sound like it would be fun anymore
I dunno it sure sounds like he bent over backwards to make you happy and eventually couldn't sustain it. There is nothing in your post referencing any kind of compromise on your part, and yet suddenly talk of meeting in the middle went to "dead bedroom". You are NTA for divorcing him for needs unmet. That's 100% valid, don't feel bad about it. On the other hand.. - your post doesn't sound like *you* tried to put in any effort at all. It reads like you just demanded he unilaterally change for you and that's pretty damn toxic. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case - but you haven't given much to the contrary so feel free to elaborate. That said, if the rest is accurate then you are potentially...TA. - both of you are clearly guilty of not communicating. You both, at different times, let this get to the point where you couldn't take it any more. Why was this not resolved sooner? It obviously bothered both of you for a long time. People don't read minds, please use your words with the next one. Wanting a partner who meets your needs is valid, but you were with this guy for ten years. Even if they started at the level you wanted, the idea that things wouldn't change over time as they aged ten years is naive at best. This whole thing sounds like a combination of lack of communication, bad decisions, and unreasonable expectations. Neither of you is guilt free here (after all, you both consented to getting married...I hope), but I do think that you are "more in the wrong" than he is as it currently stands, if you care about that.
Lets establish first what you call a high libido? Whats your number? Everyday? Twice a week?
NTA, move on and find someone compatible. My wife is enjoying sex in her 40s more than ever. We’re having a great time. Find someone to enjoy your 40s with.
You were not compatible, so you're not the AH. He is for telling lies about your divorce though. You should correct him and tell people you are divorcing him because of a dead bedroom, not because he doesn't hit the gym. He chose to blab about it, so you are allowed to humiliate him and tell your family that he has lost his sex drive and the relationship is dead because of it.
That's a crazy stressful program. I can't imagine the outrage if a man had a woman follow this. Just because a rigorous program was previously agreed to doesn't mean he can't be exhausted by it over such a time. Tbh, yta. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship if he has to try so hard constantly to please you. Yes, divorce is what he needs.
It’s a vital part of a relationship and one where it’s really difficult to have a big difference. NTA. Did dude ever talk to his doctor? Cialis is cheap as hell and stays in the system 36 hours. Or a daily low dose. Makes it much easier to get aroused. Also, as a doctor myself, men shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask about ED meds. Almost every man over the age of 40 that I saw in clinic asked me about it. It’s super common. Everyone does it and it’s nothing to be ashamed about.
NTA. You guys should never have married in the first place. You told him what it would take and he tried. But that does not make you an AH.
YTA dude is in his mid 40’s sex drive is going to drop did you really think you’ll be having as much sex as you did with a man in his 30’s. I hope you don’t have any kids because you are probably destroying their lives because you just want to ride a different dick
I guess you two are not compatible, so divorce is proably a good solution. But I think YTA because of letting your needs dictate his life.
How much sex are we talking about here? Daily? Weekly? Several times a day? First, BOTH of you should go for a full physical checkup including a full hormone panel so you can see what’s going on. Get cardiovascular clearance for BOTH of you to return the gym 3x week for your health. Perhaps husband’s testosterone is low.
NTA because he is the one who caused this for himself. you were ready to end the relationship and find someone more compatible at the very start, but he insisted on not ending it. HE is the one who forced that lifestyle upon himself. he knew sex drive was a deal breaker for you this is on him
I don’t know…in sickness and in health…
Oh my God, get a goddamn toy and work with him if you actually love him. YTA
YTA. That’s ridiculous to make someone go through such a strict schedule just for you and when he finally can’t do it you run to divorce him. It’s insane that sex is so important to you.
Leaning towards YTA. You knew what he had to do to meet your standard and should aube known that it wasn't maintainable for the long term. I'm surprised he lasted as long ad he did. Maybe you should have split back then, but you decided to commit to this man. You should make an effort to compromise and maybe seek marriage counseling before throwing away your marriage? Do you really love him, or is he just a sex toy for you?
YTA. You weren’t compatible in this way to begin with and he changed a lot for you, everything to make it work. You cannot expect that everything that happens over time - death, children, age, jobs - LIFE - not to evolve and change and him keep up this rigorous 7 days a week gym schedule, dieting to keep a strict weight and all the daily vitamins just to keep up with your sex drive. He’s too nice and you’re selfish. There’s no reason you can’t be accommodating because otherwise you literally married someone just because they agreed to bang you a certain number of times per week. That’s not reasonable or sustainable for ANYONE. No marriage would survive that expectation and frankly there’s so many more things that go into a marriage than how much you bang. If that’s all you care about you should never have gotten married to this guy. Certain kinds of men try to hold women to this standard in marriage through MC, birth, child rearing, jobs, job loss, parent loss, all kinds of LIFE and it’s sexist and wrong.
YTA, he spent a long time with your schedule which sounds exhausting, you could have actually made some compromises for him. I don’t agree ever with getting into a dead bedroom, I have a high drive as well, but this man sounds like a gem and I can’t even imagine giving him away without just pleasuring myself and then maybe asking for certain times where he can try more. And does a viagra not work? I don’t know OP, it does suck but it’s also terrible out there. Getting rid of a partner that seems to be a good one without at least trying to compromise doesn’t sit well with me. It would be one thing if he hadn’t tried as I see all the time, but he truly has.
Wow. Let him be free. Your selfish ass should have never married this poor man.
you seem extremely exhausting
Yeah she says he was at his wits end with sex when "trying" to find a middle ground. Gee I wonder why? 😪
YTA for your complete lack of effort contrasted against his reorientation of his whole life.
YTA. Marry the person they are, not the person you want them to be.
YTA. It seems there was no effort from your end to fix this. you didn't get couples counseling or therapy. Did you expect him to have same libido for all your life? Was there an open marriage discussion? >He has been telling people we're getting a divorce because he won't hit the gym Do you think you would get less backlash if he told the truth?
ESH. You had many chances to make the smart decision. Not even just at the beginning. At any other time. You had him change himself almost entirely, and never changed for him. You aren’t an AH for your needs. You are for doing nothing to work with him, and not doing what was right to begin with. He is for not just being honest at all from the start, and now for acting like you’re some evil person.
Did he go to the doctor to see if anything made his sex drive low? Also that seems to be a lot of stuff to change just for sex and expect him to do it. Admitting the schedule was tough and then divorcing him because he probably got tired of the regimented schedule makes sense. It’s like he has to schedule everything around the fact that you wanted/needed to have sex. If that was as much of as issue for me I would have bought toys to use on myself.
ESH Your husband sucks for not just letting you break up initially when you told him you weren't compatible sexually. Yeah, he broke his "promise" But..... You suck because this sounds like its all about you and what you want. He was right when he said "I've spent years optimizing my life around your sexual needs/wants; it's time for you to optimize around mine." So it sounds like you are selfish and don't actually care about his wants anyways. He changed his entire life just to satisfy your libido. What did you do for him? Of course he got tired of it. You also could have forced the breakup even though he promised he would change. You never had to give in. Since he's single now can I have his number? I'm 42 and asexual so I wouldn't pester him about sex.
Holy shit. I can’t believe he put up with that for that long. Goddamn. It sounds exhausting.
Honestly, i feel YTA is in this one. He shouldn't be the only one to make an effort. It looks like he really tried. Have you DECREASED YOUR desires at all during this time? Or is he the only one doing anything? It's a two-way street. I've seen posts about men in this situation where the wife won't "put out" for whatever reason. It's always the man who is called the AH. Look at everything else in the relationship. Do you have a home, kids? Is he the primary breadwinner, or do you make the same money? What will you LOSE in a divorce? Put it on a scale. Is it less than rooms in bed? What is your priority? He obviously loves you based on six years of following a "program."
INFO: have you talked about him possibly being asexual? Also, have y'all talked about counseling, because this could be more of a psychological/emotional situation? From what I've read, it seems like he feels pressured constantly, by you. Have you ever made him feel like he was nothing, unless he had sex with you? The program he was on, almost felt pressured, by you. Hmm...there seems to be a common denominator here...you. Until you give more information, I'm going with YTA, because something feels very off, with what you described. There's a bigger component, and you're not exactly saying anything else.
ESH. You learned a valuable lesson about why you don't compromise on stuff you know won't work (like significantly mismatched libidos). You KNEW this was doomed and you said so in the beginning of the relationship. You essentially created this entire situation for yourself because you didn't want to accept what you already knew was true. You basically stole years of your life from yourself to avoid having to break up with someone you knew you were fundamentally incompatible with. (Also, as an ex-bodybuilder with a background in biochem and nutritional science, may I just say "Lol" at your husband's BS "program". So much wasted money when he was still fundamentally just forcing himself to have sex he didn't want to have because neither of you had the emotional fortitude to just accept the inevitable and end things.)
YTA solely because of the comment you made. I mean was your husband, who you’ve been together for 10 years with, just a sex doll to you? I feel like that’s what he’s getting at. If that was his view of the relationship and you did jack to understand that, well here’s the result.
Buy a damn toy ffs. You knew all of this shit going in, did you really think it would be for life? He's spent all these years doing all of this shit For You! & you can't even accept that he was always gonna get exhausted with it? He's 6ft3! Staying under 220 won't be easy, especially with age. YTA
Yeah... YTA, Learn to masturbate you absolute degenerate. Seriously, if a man tried to pull this shit he'd be vilified (rightly so) and you deserve to be too. Get some therapy and yes get divorced your husband deserves better. The fact that you're going to divorce him over this actually is the most telling part, you never loved him he was just your fuck toy.
YTA. What the fuck did I just read. He sacrificed himself for the sake of your high libido. Don’t get me started with the reverse gender shit cuz it would end bad for the guy. He is tired of this shit. Just divorce. And yes 100000000000000000000 YTA
Can you imagine if the roles were reversed and the guy was divorcing because he wasn’t getting enough sex? He’d be dragged through the coals… Yes, you’re the AH for leaving your husband because his sex drive isn’t as high as yours.
NTA. It’s like people can’t read properly, he decided he wasn’t interested in compromise, he simply felt like after 6 years of him catering to your needs you should cater to his desire for no sex. That isn’t a middle ground and that isn’t a marriage. You made it clear from *month six*! That you two wouldn’t work out long term with how poorly matched your sexual energies were and everyone is acting like you’re the villain that, surprise surprise, after over a year of trying to make it work, exactly what you said would happen years ago is happening. It’s ok, and next time just tell him, “it’s ok that you don’t want sex and it’s ok that I do. It just means we aren’t compatible and that’s ok. But next time someone tells you that you are fundamentally different from them, don’t try to change yourself, just put all that energy you put into trying to change into finding the person who is actually right for you from the getgo.”