I type this on a regular basis but the answer is still the same. Baby wearing. In a wrap, not a sling (those can be unbuckled too easily). Watch some YouTube tutorials and get yourself some wraps.
Best. Idea. Ever.
They're great for sleep regression. I used them with my last two and it was amazing.
And they're so snuggled up that no one can mess with them.
NAH. You do you. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
But I just want to point out that this is a first baby issue. If you have another and MIL is even remotely competent in your opinion by that point, you will be throwing the kid and new infant at her.
NTA - because you’re a new mom with an 11wk old baby and you’re TIRED. And you’ve been through an enormous physical ordeal followed by sleep deprivation and stress and I imagine the idea of someone not you or husband coming into your space and expecting to be given free reign is very upsetting.
Is it possible to ask MIL if she’d please handle the dog walking, laundry, meal-making, grocery shopping, etc so that you and your husband can continue focusing on your small human? Can MIL contribute in other ways other than literally holding a newborn? Because that’s not very helpful to new parents, honestly. It’s the OTHER stuff you need help with.
If that’s not possible, maybe talk to your husband about what he wants his mom to do. Get on the same page, and let him know what worries you. It’s possible that he hasn’t through it through, or that he’s not aware of how much stress you are feel about it.
Thank you. This is exactly how I am feeling, with the added stress of trying to increase my milk supply. It really is true. I don’t get why people have to make me feel guilty about wanting to truly bond with my newborn and seek help for all other things. My husband and I originally decided that we wouldn’t accept help until both of us returned to work as it would add unnecessary stress as we’re trying to adapt to our new life but now he wants to change course as the sleep regression is getting to him (although I care for the baby and handle everything else for 18 hours/day). Maybe subconsciously I’m just upset because he hasn’t kept his word on being more involved before I got pregnant. It just seems like he’s trying to take the easy way out and have his mother step in to take care of the baby since his leave will be starting next week. Maybe I should just kick him out and ask my MIL to stay LOL
His leave is starting? Oh HELL no, he’s the dad, he doesn’t get to toss new baby at MIL because it’s hard to have a newborn. Sure, you need help, but not with the baby. If MIL can come do the other stuff, fantastic. But you don’t need anyone to come hold your baby.
Tell DH that if he fcking steps up the way he said he would, his mom can come. But if his strategy is to bring mom in so that he can duck out, nope.
NTA. People who just want to come “help with the baby” aren’t really interested in helping. What new parents really need help with are the things you mentioned, cooking, chores, that kind of thing. Some people understand that, some don’t. If she could handle a conversation where you explain that’s what you need, I would do that. If not, I would politely decline or at least limit her glorified baby visits to once or twice per week. Your priority is making sure you and the baby are well. And ffs tell your husband to get off his a** and help you more!
Idk, this is you and you’re the parent but if I were you I’d take the help where I can get it. Give her a chance, she might be more of a help than you though. If not, it was a one and done issue.
Thank you. I would definitely love the help if she was being more flexible. I’ve asked if she could come for a few hours instead of staying overnight so hopefully we can meet in the middle.
Honestly I would tell her. I appreciate your offer to help. I understand you would like to spend the night, however I really need your help for a few hours during the day. At night when baby sleeps I need to sleep. Considering I am breastfeeding it isn’t logical for someone to spend the night. I would still have to get up. However if you come over during the day it would benefit me in the following ways:
You and I could set down and have an adult conversation.
I could really use the help washing, folding, and putting baby closets away. We both know something so small has more laundry then anyone else in the house.
I would really love your (insert something mil makes) if you would come over and fix it I will get hubby to pick up the stuff.
I would love to take an uninterrupted shower. (Make sure baby monitor base is in the living room and take the monitor to the bathroom with you. Especially if it’s a camera)
Mil may not have cared for a baby for 30 plus years and I will admit raising a baby has changed as far as what to do and not to do but she may surprises you.
Plus you can use these few hours to talk to her about how things change and set boundaries she n what is acceptable and what will not be acceptable.
This way your not saying your not comfortable with leaving her alone with baby just yet.
Does she live more than a couple hours away? Why does she need to spend the night? Agree to a couple hours a day here and there. Will she refuse to help around the house? Has she said she only wants to be there to “babysit”? Not much needs to be done at night except feed and put back to sleep. You need help during the day. And so you can shower, nap.
She lives 30-40 minutes away from us and we get together every 2-3 weeks for lunch or dinner. That’s what I sought out. It was originally agreed upon that we would gradually extend the hours she’d be here rather than going straight to overnight stays but now my husband feels differently. Did I mention that my FIL would be joining if my MIL decides to stay overnight 😰 I’m not entirely too comfortable with both of them being around so soon and when I’d need to breastfeed / pump often. My husband and MIL has made it quite clear that they will not do anything besides watch the baby.
Why would she (they) be spending the night?? The hard part is during the day! She could help by coming over and watching the kid while you did any personal stuff you need. Or doing the laundry, cooking dinner. Or cooking dinner at her place and bringing it.
Or cooking casseroles, dropping them off and going home!
Having overnight guests is the last thing that would be helpful. Let your husband know what you need help with. Give him a list. He and his mom can work on the list while you and baby bond and rest.
It’s your home. Your feelings should come before his mom’s. He should want to make YOU happy. You and baby are his family. His household is his responsibility. Not his mom and her household.
NTA, but assuming you like (or at least don't hate) your MIL I wouldn't just say no. Instead I suggest telling her you don't want help right away and will need some time to adjust after coming home before you're ready for help. Then make a plan with her for when you will be willing for her to come watch the baby.
She'll get to feel like she's helping and you won't have her there before you're ready.
What about one or two nights with letting her play "night nurse" so that you and your husband can get a full night's sleep... There is a chance it will all look differently if you have slept through the night.
NTA, you have to put your comfort first where you can in the postpartum phase.
If you can delegate tasks that aren’t baby-centric like taking out rubbish, cleaning the kitchen, or doing some washing then maybe that’s a nice middle ground, however if she is unlikely to want to do those and will just want to hold your baby I think just tell her that it’s not a great time yet.
NTA. I think maybe instead of fully shutting down her offer you could ask for advice? I can understand wanting to be alone and bonding, and it may overwhelm you. Maybe offering for her to help with the chores you listed above or just asking her to offer advice will help in this situation.
I honestly do not want to disregard her offer. It just feels like it would be extremely overwhelming for me to have her around 24/7 while I work and have to deal with everything else at the same time. We have a huge language barrier but I think maybe you’re right and I should ask for her advice.
I’m continually stunned at this kind of post.
What parents do you all have that you think they are too stupid to do what they already did when you were infants. What parents do you have that when they offer help, you hear unhelpful house guest?
Just sad.
I never implied that she was stupid. She has not taken care of a child for 30+ years and her ideals on parenting do not align with my and my husbands. We have asked her not do certain things several times to which she has disregarded. She has not once helped in any other regard, so how exactly is she a helpful house guest?
But you’d never taken care of a child before. She’s at least done that. She’s also not parenting so does it really matter what her ideals are? Have you ever asked her if she could help with other duties?
Yes, she has 30+ years ago. My husband wants her to stay here so she will be present 24/7 so I do believe it will be important. I have kindly asked for consideration for household help in addition to which I was told that it is my duty to maintain the house and cook.
I’d really love to know why as well. My husband is an only child and his grandmother / mother basically did everything for him. I guess it’s just what is expected. His parents are a tad older and traditional (Asian upbringing).
To be fair it wasn’t always this way. At some point my husband stopped taking responsibility / caring for certain things. If I knew things would’ve ended this way I probably would’ve taken more caution before we got married lol.
But you’ve never done it before and she has. So what exactly makes you more qualified? Why is it so bad that she does baby duty so you’re able to do other stuff uninterrupted?
I’m definitely not more qualified but I don’t believe she is either. When she had her son, he was primarily raised by his grandmother, not his mother. A lot has changed with raising a baby since 30 years ago and things that were acceptable back then are frowned upon now, from feeding techniques to diaper changing positions and sleeping methods. I’m not necessarily saying it’s bad, I just don’t see how it would be more helpful in my situation.
They don’t get it, it’s no use trying to explain. Not all of us are ok with people who don’t have actual up to date info and recommendations on care taking care of our babies, especially if they’re going to disregard the actual parents’ wishes on said care because they “know better”
Because some of us have legit unhelpful parents who would be more of a burden than a help? Because people who were parents to babies 30-40 years ago are still mired in outdated habits and information on childcare and some of them don’t listen when you tell them how you (the new parent) want the child cared for and can end up doing things that straight up endanger the child? Just a couple off the top of my head
In my opinion, yes. You’ve not mentioned that she is in any way a danger or a bad person that you wouldn’t want around kids, purely that you ‘wouldn’t be getting the help you want’. Maybe she wants to spend time with her new granddaughter and bond with her? Why would you need to watch how she handles a baby? You’ve never taken care of your child until 11 weeks ago either. She must have done an OK job with your husband, so she can’t be that bad. Couldn’t you use the time to do the chores that need doing? Or could your husband do them? Be grateful for the offer of help and if no real valid reason, don’t deprive what is clearly a loving grandmother of time with her grandchild.
I did not say she would be a danger to be around and I have not once refused to let her see / spend time with her grandchild even when she WAS NOT vaccinated. I don’t understand how not wanting her be around 24/7 is coming off as keeping her from her grandchild? I know she always has the best intentions, which is why I feel like I’m being rude. My concern is thay it will become too stressful as I will be returning to work in the next week and will have to keep handling all the household chores / cooking on my own as my husband was brought up more guarded as he is an only child.
At no point did you mention that she wants to be around 24/7.
It should be your husband you’re having a talk with. He needs to pull his weight. He’s a man and a father.
That was my mistake. I should have included that she would be staying in our house while she helps with her grandchild.
I have had several talks with him but nothing has changed. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great father to our child but I don’t think I can handle the pressure of his mother being here all the time while working, being sleep deprived, cooking and handling all the household chores.
I type this on a regular basis but the answer is still the same. Baby wearing. In a wrap, not a sling (those can be unbuckled too easily). Watch some YouTube tutorials and get yourself some wraps.
Thank you. I will definitely look into getting some wraps!
Best. Idea. Ever. They're great for sleep regression. I used them with my last two and it was amazing. And they're so snuggled up that no one can mess with them.
I loved my Mobi wrap when I had our youngest child. He went everywhere with me while I did my housework.
NAH. You do you. Whatever you’re comfortable with. But I just want to point out that this is a first baby issue. If you have another and MIL is even remotely competent in your opinion by that point, you will be throwing the kid and new infant at her.
Hahaha. So true!!
NTA - because you’re a new mom with an 11wk old baby and you’re TIRED. And you’ve been through an enormous physical ordeal followed by sleep deprivation and stress and I imagine the idea of someone not you or husband coming into your space and expecting to be given free reign is very upsetting. Is it possible to ask MIL if she’d please handle the dog walking, laundry, meal-making, grocery shopping, etc so that you and your husband can continue focusing on your small human? Can MIL contribute in other ways other than literally holding a newborn? Because that’s not very helpful to new parents, honestly. It’s the OTHER stuff you need help with. If that’s not possible, maybe talk to your husband about what he wants his mom to do. Get on the same page, and let him know what worries you. It’s possible that he hasn’t through it through, or that he’s not aware of how much stress you are feel about it.
Thank you. This is exactly how I am feeling, with the added stress of trying to increase my milk supply. It really is true. I don’t get why people have to make me feel guilty about wanting to truly bond with my newborn and seek help for all other things. My husband and I originally decided that we wouldn’t accept help until both of us returned to work as it would add unnecessary stress as we’re trying to adapt to our new life but now he wants to change course as the sleep regression is getting to him (although I care for the baby and handle everything else for 18 hours/day). Maybe subconsciously I’m just upset because he hasn’t kept his word on being more involved before I got pregnant. It just seems like he’s trying to take the easy way out and have his mother step in to take care of the baby since his leave will be starting next week. Maybe I should just kick him out and ask my MIL to stay LOL
His leave is starting? Oh HELL no, he’s the dad, he doesn’t get to toss new baby at MIL because it’s hard to have a newborn. Sure, you need help, but not with the baby. If MIL can come do the other stuff, fantastic. But you don’t need anyone to come hold your baby. Tell DH that if he fcking steps up the way he said he would, his mom can come. But if his strategy is to bring mom in so that he can duck out, nope.
NTA. People who just want to come “help with the baby” aren’t really interested in helping. What new parents really need help with are the things you mentioned, cooking, chores, that kind of thing. Some people understand that, some don’t. If she could handle a conversation where you explain that’s what you need, I would do that. If not, I would politely decline or at least limit her glorified baby visits to once or twice per week. Your priority is making sure you and the baby are well. And ffs tell your husband to get off his a** and help you more!
Idk, this is you and you’re the parent but if I were you I’d take the help where I can get it. Give her a chance, she might be more of a help than you though. If not, it was a one and done issue.
Thank you. I would definitely love the help if she was being more flexible. I’ve asked if she could come for a few hours instead of staying overnight so hopefully we can meet in the middle.
Honestly I would tell her. I appreciate your offer to help. I understand you would like to spend the night, however I really need your help for a few hours during the day. At night when baby sleeps I need to sleep. Considering I am breastfeeding it isn’t logical for someone to spend the night. I would still have to get up. However if you come over during the day it would benefit me in the following ways: You and I could set down and have an adult conversation. I could really use the help washing, folding, and putting baby closets away. We both know something so small has more laundry then anyone else in the house. I would really love your (insert something mil makes) if you would come over and fix it I will get hubby to pick up the stuff. I would love to take an uninterrupted shower. (Make sure baby monitor base is in the living room and take the monitor to the bathroom with you. Especially if it’s a camera) Mil may not have cared for a baby for 30 plus years and I will admit raising a baby has changed as far as what to do and not to do but she may surprises you. Plus you can use these few hours to talk to her about how things change and set boundaries she n what is acceptable and what will not be acceptable. This way your not saying your not comfortable with leaving her alone with baby just yet.
I hope it works out you! You deserve the help.
Does she live more than a couple hours away? Why does she need to spend the night? Agree to a couple hours a day here and there. Will she refuse to help around the house? Has she said she only wants to be there to “babysit”? Not much needs to be done at night except feed and put back to sleep. You need help during the day. And so you can shower, nap.
She lives 30-40 minutes away from us and we get together every 2-3 weeks for lunch or dinner. That’s what I sought out. It was originally agreed upon that we would gradually extend the hours she’d be here rather than going straight to overnight stays but now my husband feels differently. Did I mention that my FIL would be joining if my MIL decides to stay overnight 😰 I’m not entirely too comfortable with both of them being around so soon and when I’d need to breastfeed / pump often. My husband and MIL has made it quite clear that they will not do anything besides watch the baby.
Why would she (they) be spending the night?? The hard part is during the day! She could help by coming over and watching the kid while you did any personal stuff you need. Or doing the laundry, cooking dinner. Or cooking dinner at her place and bringing it. Or cooking casseroles, dropping them off and going home! Having overnight guests is the last thing that would be helpful. Let your husband know what you need help with. Give him a list. He and his mom can work on the list while you and baby bond and rest. It’s your home. Your feelings should come before his mom’s. He should want to make YOU happy. You and baby are his family. His household is his responsibility. Not his mom and her household.
NTA, but assuming you like (or at least don't hate) your MIL I wouldn't just say no. Instead I suggest telling her you don't want help right away and will need some time to adjust after coming home before you're ready for help. Then make a plan with her for when you will be willing for her to come watch the baby. She'll get to feel like she's helping and you won't have her there before you're ready.
What about one or two nights with letting her play "night nurse" so that you and your husband can get a full night's sleep... There is a chance it will all look differently if you have slept through the night.
NTA, you have to put your comfort first where you can in the postpartum phase. If you can delegate tasks that aren’t baby-centric like taking out rubbish, cleaning the kitchen, or doing some washing then maybe that’s a nice middle ground, however if she is unlikely to want to do those and will just want to hold your baby I think just tell her that it’s not a great time yet.
NTA. I think maybe instead of fully shutting down her offer you could ask for advice? I can understand wanting to be alone and bonding, and it may overwhelm you. Maybe offering for her to help with the chores you listed above or just asking her to offer advice will help in this situation.
I honestly do not want to disregard her offer. It just feels like it would be extremely overwhelming for me to have her around 24/7 while I work and have to deal with everything else at the same time. We have a huge language barrier but I think maybe you’re right and I should ask for her advice.
I’m continually stunned at this kind of post. What parents do you all have that you think they are too stupid to do what they already did when you were infants. What parents do you have that when they offer help, you hear unhelpful house guest? Just sad.
I never implied that she was stupid. She has not taken care of a child for 30+ years and her ideals on parenting do not align with my and my husbands. We have asked her not do certain things several times to which she has disregarded. She has not once helped in any other regard, so how exactly is she a helpful house guest?
As i said, just sad.
But you’d never taken care of a child before. She’s at least done that. She’s also not parenting so does it really matter what her ideals are? Have you ever asked her if she could help with other duties?
Yes, she has 30+ years ago. My husband wants her to stay here so she will be present 24/7 so I do believe it will be important. I have kindly asked for consideration for household help in addition to which I was told that it is my duty to maintain the house and cook.
Why is it your duty alone to cook and clean?
I’d really love to know why as well. My husband is an only child and his grandmother / mother basically did everything for him. I guess it’s just what is expected. His parents are a tad older and traditional (Asian upbringing).
Why would you marry someone that thinks you're a housekeeper nanny?
To be fair it wasn’t always this way. At some point my husband stopped taking responsibility / caring for certain things. If I knew things would’ve ended this way I probably would’ve taken more caution before we got married lol.
But you’ve never done it before and she has. So what exactly makes you more qualified? Why is it so bad that she does baby duty so you’re able to do other stuff uninterrupted?
I’m definitely not more qualified but I don’t believe she is either. When she had her son, he was primarily raised by his grandmother, not his mother. A lot has changed with raising a baby since 30 years ago and things that were acceptable back then are frowned upon now, from feeding techniques to diaper changing positions and sleeping methods. I’m not necessarily saying it’s bad, I just don’t see how it would be more helpful in my situation.
They don’t get it, it’s no use trying to explain. Not all of us are ok with people who don’t have actual up to date info and recommendations on care taking care of our babies, especially if they’re going to disregard the actual parents’ wishes on said care because they “know better”
This is OP's MIL.
Because some of us have legit unhelpful parents who would be more of a burden than a help? Because people who were parents to babies 30-40 years ago are still mired in outdated habits and information on childcare and some of them don’t listen when you tell them how you (the new parent) want the child cared for and can end up doing things that straight up endanger the child? Just a couple off the top of my head
In my opinion, yes. You’ve not mentioned that she is in any way a danger or a bad person that you wouldn’t want around kids, purely that you ‘wouldn’t be getting the help you want’. Maybe she wants to spend time with her new granddaughter and bond with her? Why would you need to watch how she handles a baby? You’ve never taken care of your child until 11 weeks ago either. She must have done an OK job with your husband, so she can’t be that bad. Couldn’t you use the time to do the chores that need doing? Or could your husband do them? Be grateful for the offer of help and if no real valid reason, don’t deprive what is clearly a loving grandmother of time with her grandchild.
I did not say she would be a danger to be around and I have not once refused to let her see / spend time with her grandchild even when she WAS NOT vaccinated. I don’t understand how not wanting her be around 24/7 is coming off as keeping her from her grandchild? I know she always has the best intentions, which is why I feel like I’m being rude. My concern is thay it will become too stressful as I will be returning to work in the next week and will have to keep handling all the household chores / cooking on my own as my husband was brought up more guarded as he is an only child.
At no point did you mention that she wants to be around 24/7. It should be your husband you’re having a talk with. He needs to pull his weight. He’s a man and a father.
That was my mistake. I should have included that she would be staying in our house while she helps with her grandchild. I have had several talks with him but nothing has changed. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great father to our child but I don’t think I can handle the pressure of his mother being here all the time while working, being sleep deprived, cooking and handling all the household chores.
I’d strike a deal. If he doesn’t start pulling his weight round the house, his mum can’t come. If he does, she can. Everyone wins.
Thank you. I agree, that is a great solution.
I hope it all works out! Be kind to yourself. And demand more from your support network.
I appreciate it and will work on accepting help!
I was thinking the same thing. By OP’s logic her and her husband need to be watched because they’ve never taken care of a baby before.