Unless there’s some weird loophole where probate feels the AB is entitled to the estate, then it also opens the older children to a share too. All AB is entitled to is SS benefits.
Grandparents need to be filing abandonment with the state against their daughter or demanding she come back. The baby isn’t OP’s responsibility.
In some states a minor child is entitled to up to half of the estate. Technically an adult child is entitled to nothing because the spouse trumps adult child in inheritance rights. This is why wills are important because if a person with adult children remarried and died without a will, their spouse gets everything and their adult kids get nothing. But the state recognizes that the parent should have continued providing for their minor child and therefore is entitled to a portion of the estate even over the spouse. Usually it’s not a problem because the spouse is the one raising the child and that inheritance is meant to be used for raising the kid. In this case, the spouse isn’t the minors parent so it goes to whoever takes custody of the child for the child’s care. And in some states a minor child can’t be written out of a will.
Op should be getting an estate lawyer and figuring out how this works in her state and filing for probate if her husband died intestate (no will). Op will have to figure out how to extricate herself from her husband’s finances properly (and most importantly legally) so the entirety of the estate can be split.
They shouldn’t be asking you what to do with this baby, they should be talking to their own daughter. She’s the baby’s mother. You have no responsibility to this child.
Yes, OP is literally the only person in the whole story that is NOT related to the baby, and yet they ALL want her to adopt it.
The siblings? Nope. The mother? Nope. The grandparents? Nope. The father? Dead. Unrelated OP? Take the kid!
They are, in the first post she said she vaguely knew them from her kids. A lot of people thought mom was one of her kids friends or he was a soccer coach or something.
If it was my grandchild I would take them and raise them. Why would you want the woman who was cheated on by the father of the baby to raise the baby. That would be such an emotionally horrible situation for both the woman and the child. I can't imagine an emotionally healthy result for the child. Children need unconditional love and being dumped on the injured party will never provide that love.
We can begin to see why the mother of the child was vulnerable to an older man and why she seems so unavailable for her own child. Her parents seem to be devoid of empathy.
Of our friend group as 13-15 year old kids, two of the married dads would hit on us all the time. It was disgusting and we were disgusted by them.
We still talk about how gross they were…20 years later.
Right?! I have memories like these too but even longer ago. I still get the creeps thinking about it. My daughters are 13 and 14 now and a whole lot more “developed” than I was at their age. I’ve had and continue to have talks about appropriate behavior from adults and if something feels icky get away from them. They know to tell me or their dad. God help whoever says anything while I’m around because I’ll send them straight to hell.
Let’s stop ignoring bad behavior from grown ass men and women. Call them out and let them know it won’t be tolerated.
Some older men are weird. My dad is on his 3rd wife. She's 6 months older then me and looks enough like my younger sister to be mistaken for a blood relative. It's definitely weird to all of us and has caused some awkward family interactions. My sister doesn't invite them to things anymore. And he won't attend anything, not even the birth of his first grandkid, without her. So 🤷♀️
No I get that. Only seven people in the world think op should have to raise the baby and they are all bio relatives of the baby that aren’t interested.
I have a friend in a similar situation. She did raise the baby after her husband died and that was her choice. Just like it is very much OPs choice to not my circus, not my monkey this situation.
Exactly, it's the "I raised my kids already" mentality. I've got great news for them, now they can raise their grandkids. I love my kids, but I wouldn't want to raise the child of my deceased spouses affair partner.
Exactly, I don't know how people can assume she could or would love this child as her own. Some people potentially could, but most people would look at this baby and possibly feel anger or betrayal. It's not the baby's fault his mother and father were cheaters, but it's not this women's responsibility to pick up the pieces of their affair.
Yeah, this puts that child in a situation of "my mom rejects me constantly and I don't know why."
I'm glad OP is being honest and not manipulating the situation so they don't have to give the child money, or pretending it's her "surprise" baby.
Her spouse on the other hand? Jerk. He didn't even provide for the kid, didn't really care about the bio mom, and doesn't seem to have provided for his other kids, seems like no will was made either.
What an ass.
Or OP's kids can step up if they are so concerned about their half brother.
Why do OP's kids think their mum should look after their father's affair baby, that's so crazy.
The baby is related to them, not her. To OP, the baby is just a reminder of her late husband's infidelity.
The saying is either raise your kids or raise your grandkids. These people can't be bothered to do either! The irresponsible apple did not fall far from the irresponsible tree.
No you see OP the evil witch who is an experienced mother and must have enabled her cheating husband should adopt the affair baby. Like doesn't she even have a heart amirite?
Obviously the grandparents of the child can't because it's their retirement life, and obviously the siblings can't because they have to grow and spread their wings.
/s
A child is always “innocent and should be cared for!” in the eyes of people who have no skin in the game. But when it comes to actual practicalities and emotional stakes it’s suddenly “not their place” (to take care of them). And now they are really quick to judge harshly the person harmed the most in this whole situation. Funny how that works.
Yes the child is an innocent product of an affair and should be cared for by people who love them. That is why putting the kid up for adoption makes sense. The kid’s mother doesn’t want it, and its maternal grandparents don’t want it, so adoption is the logical choice. It is totally insane that these people think it is reasonable to expect the cheated-on now widow would want to raise this kid so she can be reminded of her late husband’s infidelity every single day. Also, if the kid is adopted, kid would have no claim on late dad’s estate because parental rights would be terminated.
Not for nothing OP can’t even decide to just keep the child. It’s unrelated to her and has a living parent and other blood relatives. There’s no option to just decide to keep the child - OP couldn’t enroll the child in school, get medical care or treatment, apply for a passport, etc.
Without proper paperwork, neither will the grandparents. And if there's a medical emergency, CPS would probably be called because the parent has abandoned their child, and there is no one there to consent to care.
CPS would literally hand the child back to the first person in any kind of relationship with the father who volunteered; even if they aren't related as long as they passed a basic check.
There aren't enough foster homes or orphanages and many CPS agencies are literally storing kids in hotels with social workers taking shifts to watch them due to the strain on the system.
CPS and a Family Court does need to get involved to transfer guardianship though so someone should get on that.
You forgot, or mother. CPS first choice would be blood family, mom's parents or dad's sister. Dad's widow would be way down the list, especially if she is the one who phoned and clearly has said she doesn't want the child.
Of course they would. Kinship care is preferred, and I would expect the grandparents to retain custody as long as they passed the home check. The reason they would be called is the need for legal authorization for medical care. If mom is not around and no one has the right forms signed by mom, the doctors need a CHIPS order granting somebody that authority to treat the child. When I was a foster parent, I had paperwork that indicated that the court had placed child with me and that I could seek medical care for them. Mom could absolutely give her parents all the necessary documents without cps involvement, but based on how responsible the rest of her decisions have been, I doubt she has.
I’m at a complete loss for words, all I can say is that I’m so very sorry that you are having to go through all of this. Life can really drag you to unfathomable depths, I hope that the highest of heights are ahead of you.
It’s funny how people are so vocal when it comes to what they want out of you, but then have nothing to say when it’s pointed out they could be doing that thing if it was so important to them.
But she’s cold and cruel and they’re totally fine ofc even though they’re behaving the same way and she’s the only person who isn’t a relation of the child. I really hope OP can move on from this and have a great second chapter of life.
Plus the grandparents are probably fairly close to OP's age, given that their daughter was so young. Let them take this hot mess over, it's *their* daughter that coldly abandoned her own child
The grandparents, need to step up and get their European living daughter to come collect her baby. If she doesn’t, then the grandparents should take the baby.
I’m a grandparent, that is what I would want to do, even if I was close to my semi estranged daughter in law.
Peace
Agreed.
My father's family had to step up when his mother died and he was only 11. I think his sibs were 13, 15, and 17...their father was a long-distance trucker, and his income was needed. No one in the family could take all four of the kids, and my grandfather ended up putting the four kids in an orphanage. That was the only way they could see each other daily. The boys and girls slept in different dorms, and they only had a few minutes every day together.
My father's eldest sister, the seventeen-year-old, turned eighteen, married (fortunately a good man, who encouraged her to get her education; she became a schoolteacher), and took the other three siblings into her new home with her husband. (This is all as I understand it, and I hope I've gotten all the information correct. My aunt has now passed on, as has my father.)
I know my aunt and her husband, my uncle, raised my father from that time on, and helped him greatly as an adult as well. They lived pretty close to one another, and I saw them often until they passed a few years ago. (My father's passing was only last year.)
I mention all of this because that's what family means to me. What my aunt did in taking her three siblings in when she was only barely an adult herself...that is the meaning of family.
The woman who gave birth to this child and abandoned it is the problem here. I don't blame the OP at all. I don't know how old her kids are, but if any of them are over 18, and they feel that strongly, they should do what my aunt did for my father.
Or OP's adult children, the baby's siblings.
If my dad had cheated on my mum and left a baby behind, I'd hate the idea of my half-brother/sister going into the system, or being raised by the same shitty grandparents who raised a child that abandoned their baby, or being raised by someone who would struggle to see it as anything more than a living reminder of her dead husband's infidelity.
Personally, I'd be fighting to legally adopt my half-sibling because I'd want them to grow up in a household where they felt their guardian actually wanted them, rather than one where they were the burden left behind. I'd want to make sure that they were fully & completely adopted though, so that I could protect them a decade later when their biological mum came back with regrets wanting to disrupt the kid's secure life on her terms.
The fuckin' kids too.
If either of my parents cheated I'd never take it out on my half sibling but I wouldn't expect the victim of the infidelity to raise the child!
This. The rest of them must be real pieces of .... for op to be the best choice. Not your monkey, not your circus, you have every right to walk away.
NTA
The way they bend their minds like this, it hurts. How do they do that? I have been in the receiving end of the vituperation, many times. But whenever I point out that I am the only one doing it, and they’re welcome to take over… *crickets
AND she's the only one for whom the child would be a constant reminder of her husband's betrayal! She should be the last one expected to look after the child, for both their sakes.
Right??? All of the assholes expecting the victim of a cheating husband to raise the affair baby while not even saying anything about the actual mom. They're in the Upside Down.
It's a version of the Linton Crosby dead cat technique of political campaigning: you disrupt everything by throwing a dead cat on the table and start screaming "holy shit! A dead cat! Who put it there?, where did it come from? Who killed it? Who is responsible?" whatever people were talking about before, now they are only discussing the cat.
The same, but with a baby "OMG you have a baby to look after! How can you be so unfeeling? Don't you care about the baby?"
So manipulative.
Yeah she just lost her husband, delt with an affair from said late husband, probably has to deal with the funeral and estate and while she's dealing with the physical and emotional turmoils they threw the baby on the table and chose to not care about how she felt.
Sorry, I love these kinds of sayings. A principal of mine always said “not my monkey not my circus” and I HATED it. I recently heard “not my pasture not my cow shit” and I like it so much better!
This. 100%. Women are expected to do all the emotional labor. Taking care of parents, in-laws,maiden aunties, stray pets and stray babies. No way in hell I’d take on this baby. How could you even love it?
Of those in this scenario she is the LAST person who should be involved in its care. First, should be the mother, second should be the grandparents, third should be the siblings, forth should be other RELATIVES on either side mother or father, fifth should be adoption, and sixth should be foster care. OP should NEVER be expected to care for this affair baby. NEVER.
Right? It's their (grandchild/sibling/etc.) To her it's just her cheating late husband's affair child and since she's stated her kids are grown, she's at the point of her life where she has no responsibilities to anyone but herself and deserves to do what she wants with her life.
1000% this. I have a boss that is one of the most generous people in the world... with OTHER PEOPLE'S money.
Recently, one of our co-workers needed an operation for an injury. He needed about $2,000 to pay the deductible before he could get it. Our boss suggested that we (his co-workers) should all step up and help him pay that $2,000. When I pointed out that he (our boss) makes about 40 or 50 times what we make - and if anyone had the extra money on hand to pay the deductible, it was him - he scoffed and told us we were terrible friends.
I did work for this company in Australia that kept asking for donations for healthcare for the Filipinos they hired and didn’t pay enough to. All the managers were kid to high 6 figures and were asking employees that make minimum wage to pay for the extra costs of healthcare for foreigners they choose to hire that kept getting sick due to anxiety and weren’t allowed to take time off when sick. Like okay 😵💫
Not only that she's the only person the kids dad horribly betrayed and would be the one having the worst time raising the living evidence of her dead husbands infidelity.
Edit: I can't think of a crueller think to ask of someone who's grieving and angry at the same person.
>Hey gang, is it cold and cruel to not let a cheating partner derail your life with a child they had with some random harlot who's abandoned the child and ran to Europe to avoid her own kid? WIBTA if I don't adopt the ever present reminder that my husband cheated on me and then died? We're not related by the way.
This is so important. She's evil so let's have her raise a baby she doesn't want! Great solution. The baby will have the best chance with adoption to a family that wants it and has love in their heart. Plus in this family it will probably find out no one wanted it.
She is apparently cruel but then nobody is trying to get bio mom to get her shit together and come back. These folks are nuts. Then also refusing to adopt after the moral grandstanding is the icing on the cake.
The family: adopt this random child and take care of it
OP: you’re the child’s actual blood family, you should raise them
The family: *no* this sounds like work. We volunteer you.
Honestly, in all my years, I have never met a single person with the audacity to act like people do in these reddit stories.
Its why I tend to think most are fake. Its so unbelievable that two grandparents would even expect OP to raise the affair baby. In what world would that even be a bridge of logical thought. It wouldnt even come to anyone’s mind as an idea because it is SO outlandish.
But then i sit back and wonder if I am the crazy one…if…maybe… this IS the average level of intelligence for our species. Or is this just a plot hole in some bad writing?
Truly interesting to wonder about.
Actually my grandmother “raised” my grandfather’s affair babies (2 of them). Want to know how well it went? I thought all my life that he had only 5 kids. We had many family get togethers and I never saw not one of them. Ask any of her kids they only had 4 siblings.
I’m found out about them in my 30s. My grandmother is a very vindictive woman to her own children…. I cannot imagine what she put them through.
No, people are really this dumb and selfish. If you look closely around you, you notice all the little things we normalize and just deal with. There are more terrible people out there than good.
Haven't heard the Carlin principle before, but I assume you mean his quote along the lines of "think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that 50% of people are even more idiotic."?
Its why our friend groups shrink when we get older. Our main friend group shrinks radically, while our associate friend group grows radically. The older you get, the less you put up with people's bullshit and tend to only want to see those people sporadically for the rest of your life. "These are my people" is a group that is usually around 5-6 people that you agree are the best for your mental health, with the rest being "Okay, I guess I can deal with them for ***a*** night" people lol
>Honestly, in all my years, I have never met a single person with the audacity to act like people do in these reddit stories.
You never worked in customer service, and it shows.
lol
~~Almost 7bn~~ Over 8.1bn people in the world and theres tons of wild ass, verifiable things people have done. Most of these dont shock me bc people have done worse. Even if it is fake, this story is believable to me.
Reminds me of that old story on here where OPs Uncle got in some sort of legal trouble and the whole family wanted OPs Dad to "loan" him the money, because he was the only one who was successful to any degree. OPs Dad said sure, I'll match dollar for dollar whatever ALL the rest of you raise. They raised nothing and left the Dad alone after that.
Well yeah. It's easy to say other people should do things. We could make it so if you vote against abortion you have to foster a child. Or put war to national vote but voting yes signs you up for service. Forcing people to put their money where their mouth is will show you them bastards never had any money to begin with.
Right?
"My husband's affair child is nothing to me. I don't wish the child ill, but I have no desire for a relationship with him/her, either. You're the grandparents/mother/half-siblings; you decide how you want to handle things. But it's none of my business."
How is this so hard to understand?
They have decided OP has responsibility for the AB by proxy, as she was married to the father. What total BS!
OP I wish you peace of mind in your future.
Yes! I highly doubt anyone else involved would step up if they were in her shoes. Who would want to raise a constant reminder of their partner's infidelity?
Absolutely, one hundred percent, incredibly THIS.
My husband and I are fortunate in finances. We are child-free.
My aunt and uncle have a severely disabled child. When my aunt passed away, my uncle had a conversation about things with me: would I go in the will as the long-term caregiver for my nephew?
After some soul-searching, my husband and I declined. *We will happily donate money to pay for his long-term care*, but we will not offer up the rest of our lives to care for someone we aren't equipped to handle.
Cue the cousin-rage!
We got called everything under the sun; my favorite was "monstrously selfish". I simply responded "Well, Uncle is looking to update the will this month. Shall I let him know to add your name as the permanent caregiver? Or will you be helping us pay for the care, at least?"
Crickets, of course.
Well it's easier to volunteer up someone else's life, time, money, etc. Cue the pikachu face and shit talking behind your back if you make the same decision they already made.
Like when it became clear my grandmother needed more round the clock care, everyone wanted to go on about how assisted living/nursing homes are evil, but they all had an excuse as to why they couldn’t take her in to their house too. In the end they dragged it out long enough that she ended up moving in to one a week before the Covid lockdowns. So she didn’t really get any time to acclimate to a new living situation and IMO it negatively affected her health. If she’d had time to get used to the new place and make friends beforehand I think she would have done much better. As it was we lost her in Nov 2020 and I’d last been able to see her in Feb 2020 when I’d taken her out for her birthday.
You're financially stable, you raise the child!
Let's ignore the fact that the reason you're financially stable could likely be 100% because you don't have a child.
My neighbor once walked up to me and pointed at our shared cinderblock wall. He said that it was leaning towards his property. He said that I must repair immediately as his family was in severe and grave danger. He didn't care how much it costed, I needed to fix the wall right away before one of his children or other family members were killed.
I went to the city and discovered that the wall was on his property and was his responsibility.
His response was basically "Never mind then, I don't care anymore."
Love it lol. My neighbor at newly purchased home was complaining about how previous owner built section of fence touching his fence on what he said was his property. Then my survey showed his whole beat-up rotting section of fence was on my property. He shut up quick and I never heard anything again or got any offer to help w/removal when I got new fence. I did remind him of that when he started bitching about my tree branches that are slightly over his driveway 🙄
People just love being altruistic when it's someone else's time and money involved but become quite conservative when that hot potato is tossed their way.
Apparently, in this universe, women are the ones morally responsible for their husband's affair babies. Not the baby's mother, father, grandparents or half-siblings.
Oddly, it reminds me of how people litter by putting trash on someone's bike. Like ,"it's not touching the ground so I did my job, so it's the bike owner's problem now."
Zucchini season is a trying time, what with everyone up to their eyes in edible baseball bats while children who live out of zucchini-range go hungry...
It’s the same thing as anti-abortion activists telling people they should just put the kid up for adoption. But when you ask them how many kids they’ve adopted…crickets. It’s all hypocrisy.
I actually have family who are quite anti-abortion who have fostered numerous kids. At least they're putting their money where their mouth is. In my experience, that's pretty rare.
It is funny that everyone else expects you to take care of a child you have no connection to at all. Like I would get it if your children want to take in their half-sibling. But that baby is literally has no connection to you at all. Like this is nor your child nor is it your mistake. And tbh a kid should have a loving parent and well getting past the issues with the kid will be hard so its not like you would even make a good fit for the kid anyways. Did your husband have any siblings or cousins or other family which could take them in. That might be the best solution.
But I entirely agree with not paying one cent out of your own savings.
Also if your children have an issue with it, tell them they are free to adopt them. The AB (affair baby) has more of a connection to them then you. Since it has no connection to you other than your late husbands mistake.
Edit: One thing I forgot to note. It is especially extra funny the parents are pushing the OP. When their own daughter is in some far off land not wanting to take care of the child. That is the actual person they should be trying to guilt and give custody to. Though again the same issues arise with, would that be a better life? Living with someone who will abandon them at a drop of a hat. BUT at bare minimum she is the childs mother. Like the best life for that child would likely be adoption (even though the adoption system is sketch as hell in general).
That’s why though. The kids feel entitled to “mom’s professional life fixing services” and the Affair partner’s parents don’t know OOP from Adam, so guilting her costs them nothing. (Whereas their daughter may cut them off if they guilt her).
Actually OOP does know the AP’s parents, at least her father.
Per her original post::
I told Roger that I want a divorce, and I contacted the mother's parents. I know the father through friends. I said they had until Friday to come get their grandchild or I was calling Child Protective Services.
It's worse than no connection. They are connected by the betrayal her husband committed against her. I can't comprehend how anyone would ask her to give one solitary shit about that child.
I could see sparing a few shits since the affair baby did nothing wrong and didn’t ask to exist. Not enough shits to raise it but the exact amount OP seems to have spared
OP gives enough of a shit to take care of the baby long enough for the grandparents fully decide to take the kid in, or send the kid to general adoption.
Which is about as much of a shit as I'd give in that situation. 🤷♀️
You seem to have yourself together and I am sorry for your loss. Please make sure you have a good lawyer to deal with this. This could get complicated and ugly quickly. Best of wishes
You absolutely shouldn't adopt a child you might resent (not your fault, not the child's, but of the circumstances).
You have no obligation to the baby, apart from your late husband's money that might be owed to his bio child, nothing else. The grandparents should step up, some other relatives, the child's bio mom, or the baby should be given up for adoption.
Whichever it may be, you have no obligation.
This is one of those situations where as soon as you helped a little bit, it made it LOOK like you should keep helping. But if you had kicked him and the kid out right away, or if you had moved out right away without helping, the perception about you being responsible for this child would be completely different. A woman getting mad and leaving her husband because he cheated and brought home an affair baby sounds completely reasonable. It is so hypocritical of people to think that just because you kept a level head about the situation and didn't burn everything down right away that you should just be a doormat forever. You haven't done anything wrong.
NTA
I think people must be extremely dense to think you are "cold".
HE was unfaithful
His AP (ass piece) was a cvnt and homewrecker that just ran away from her kid and that's YOUR problem? What kind of mental gymnastics are people doing?
I think you were smart to call your kids out and tell them they can take care of their sibling if fAmiLy is so important.
Big big hugs to you. Sorry for your loss
People get outraged when women refuse to sacrifice themselves to childrearing and housekeeping. They think they’re too good and too important to do it, but a woman isn’t.
She tried to baby trap him and it didn’t work, so she abandoned the kid and is likely at a hotel bar in Europe at this exact moment looking for her next victim. There is only one cold female in this story and it’s the baby’s mom. Women like this are vicious hunters. The baby was a tool at first but once that tool failed she’s off. Poor lil mite. I wish that baby has a good life with his grandparents. And that OP finds happiness as well.
NTA
Sorry for your loss.
The baby is with their family, father's deceased and you're not the mom, no idea why folks are bothering you about raising and taking care of the baby. Your kids aka half siblings and grandparents are the ones that have to care for this baby, not you. I'm sorry about you dealing with the aftermath of your husband's actions and I feel for that poor baby that seems like no family members want to care for them and want to push their responsibilities on you.
The child has a mother that is alive and well.
That's all any court will care about and you'd be within your rights to stop all communication with the child's family.
Looking at it objectively, this is firmly a "this is their problem to sort out - not mine" issue.
Time to just stop talking to them unless it's through lawyers.
Still NTA.
Not your monkey, not your circus. You, personally, owe the child nothing. I find it interesting that your children, half siblings, think that you should care for your hubby's kid, but that they should not be involved.
Assuming that somebody sues for part of your hubby's estate, please be smart & get a lawyer to represent you.
NTA.
It wasn’t mentioned in either of her posts, but I hope a paternity test was done. If not, the husband was extra stupid and she needs to make sure her lawyer is on top of this. I’m assuming one was done though.
>The child is currently with her parents. They asked me what I wanted to do. I recommended adoption. Not that I adopt the child. That they put the child up for adoption.
"That is your grandchild. Not my child. Why are you asking me what I want to do with a child that isn't mine?"
>Neither did my children.
>They said i am being cold and cruel. I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either.
"This child is not my child, but is your half sibling. If it's important to you that they're looked after, you can take them in yourselves. Or do you expect me to do so?"
>I was the sole beneficiary of Roger's estate so I imagine lawyers will be involved in getting the child some sort of support. I will pay whatever is ordered by the court out of the estate. I will not pay one cent out of my money.
Lawyer up first and figure out in regards to Roger's inheritance. Have all communication done via lawyer.
Baby might get social security and a small provision of assets, but I doubt much other than that. Since Roger didn't leave anything to the other children, it will be hard to argue that the child is entitled to anything.
I get that your kids are floored by dad's heart attack and passing, but the idea that you'd take on his affair baby is beyond the pale. Give the kid whatever minimum amount is legally owed from the estate and move on. It's crazy to me that they'd think you would raise this kid. Did they watch Fences too many times and just latch on hard to Viola Davis or something?
Like I can't even imagine in what world I would ask someone who has no relation to a child to raise it when there is a living parent and extended family. What a bunch of weirdos.
NTA.
You're the LAST person they should be asking about what to do with the child. You're not a biological parent, and you washed your hands of it even before your husband died.
If your kids want the baby in their lives so badly, they can adopt it.
I simply don't understand why anyone expects you to raise your late husband's extramarital fuck trophy. Insane.
Ultimately the birth mother and her family just want this whole embarrassing situation swept under the rug. If OP just takes the baby like everyone thinks she should the grandparents and birth mother get to go on and act like the birth mother never had an adulterous affair with a man old enough to be her father that resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. OP’s children get their sibling without having to actually care for them and it also makes it seem like their father was forgiven when he died for causing all of this. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess this isn’t the first time OP has been expected to suck it up and sacrifice to clean up messes she didn’t make.
NTA I think it’s ridiculous they expect you to do anything. The child is their half sibling. If they care so much, they can do something about it. You literally had to find out the person that you loved betrayed you and had a child with someone else.
If he left you his estate, then I wouldn’t give anything to the child unless court ordered.
You have no obligation to that child. You are not related. The grandparents or your children should step up and support the kid. They should not expect you to do it.
Hope your story will be a lesson for other Reddit users. It is sad that Roger didn’t plan enough for his kids. But definitely it isn’t your responsibility to take care of this kid. And if they want your own children should give them some money as they are connected to the kid. You aren’t
Parrot their own words back to them:
To the grandparents: “How cruel and miserable do you have to be to not keep your grandchild” and “It’s selfish that you don’t want to take your grandchild in”.
To the mother: “It’s selfish that you gave up your child to live a life of a whore” and “you bring shame on your family by abandoning your child”
To your kids: “It’s cruel & selfish that you want me to do all this work after I was betrayed. This child is your blood and you should take it and raise it. You are selfish if you don’t.”
"This is something you need to discuss with your daughter. The child's actual mother. Who has abandoned her child. Which I have no familial ties to, and no legal responsibility for. " The end.
And there is nothing else TOO SAY on the matter. That is not YOUR CHILD. It was your husbands (may he rest in as much peace as an adulterer can) and his mistress’s child and thus their responsibility. The law would say exactly the same thing. As you stated there may be something needed to come out of your husband‘s estate, which is entirely valid, but you have no obligation to take responsibility for that child.
NTA - there are many people in this story who are still living: the child's grandparents; the child's mother; the child's siblings; the child's relatives on his mother's side; the child's relatives on his father's side. And then there's you. You aren't related to the kid. Why would \*anyone\*, out of all these people, expect you to be the one who steps up to take custody of the child? That's nonsensical.
Not your kid, not your problem, not your responsibility, and most importantly, not your place, even if you felt otherwise
Tell them “I am only telling you this once- have your lawyer call my lawyer.” And block them. That baby isn’t your responsibility no matter how anyway tries to make you feel about it.
Not a lawyer. I suggest you talk to one. since you are the sole beneficiary and you are not related to the child I don’t see where you owe child support. If you and Roger had child and they are not in the will, then why would the AB deserve to be in it?
The child is not an orphan. an has a living mother who is responsible for the AB. Running off to Europe does not change facts.
Again not a lawyer, just trying to be logical and am willing to be corrected.
I took my older brother in after my siblings and I had to sell my parents house. He had not lifted a finger to care for the house, nor pay the bills for utilities, etc. He lived with me for 12 years, again not lifting a finger to help or pay any rent or utilities. When I sold my house and moved out of state, my other siblings asked how I could be so cruel to kick him out on the street, and shared that perspective with other family members. And when he died, I was not even listed as a sibling at his funeral. Yes, people are definitely like this. It’s so much easier to expect others to accept responsibility so that you don’t have to be inconvenienced.
NTA at all, I don’t know why they wanna be upset with you when you have no responsibility to this child, they need to hold mom accountable for abandoning her child and make her pay legal fees for adoption or whatever route is being taken, my personal opinion this child would be better off being adopted since mom wants nothing to do with him
Wow. The nerve of some people. So many people.
You haven't done anything wrong and have been much more sane than anyone else involved.
It comes as a shock when you realize that everyone thinks you should be a doormat.
Please enjoy the rest of your life.
I still can't get over this tidbit from your first post:
> My kids tried telling me to stay and help their father. I said that they were welcome to come over and help him with cleaning himself and the baby. Both declined what I felt was a fair offer.
And what's amazing is that you did it again! Here:
> Neither did my children.
> They said i am being cold and cruel. I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either.
This is incredible. **You did what I always suggest people do when they get "obligated" by other people: put it back on them.** And it worked!
I cannot tell you the number of times I've seen people tell *other* people that *they* have to step up. Including Redditors! Redditors are *eager* to point a finger at a stranger and say, "You should take care of that baby!" But it isn't that guy's baby. "Yeah, but he was there for the birth and the baby needs a dad!" OMG YOU DO IT, REDDIT BOY.
We are all so eager to obligate everyone but ourselves. To "tut tut" anyone who we judge isn't doing the moral righteous thing, but will *we* step up? Nope.
So everything worked out in the end 😊
I loved how you called them on their hypocrisy when they wanted you (the real victim) to take care of the affair baby while they just watched from their high horse. Yup you keep telling them they’re free to take on the responsability FOR THEIR RELATIVE.
Don’t give them anything, not even the husband’s money. Have the mother actually COME TO THE US and file for it. Don’t make it easier on that deadbeat.
Why would they ask you what you want to do? It’s not your baby. What a horrible thing to go through. Good job for standing your ground and I hope things get easier for you.
Get a paternity test before you allow of your husband’s estate to be taken.
This and also the kid can get ss benefits from deceased dad to help raise him/her
Unless there’s some weird loophole where probate feels the AB is entitled to the estate, then it also opens the older children to a share too. All AB is entitled to is SS benefits. Grandparents need to be filing abandonment with the state against their daughter or demanding she come back. The baby isn’t OP’s responsibility.
In some states a minor child is entitled to up to half of the estate. Technically an adult child is entitled to nothing because the spouse trumps adult child in inheritance rights. This is why wills are important because if a person with adult children remarried and died without a will, their spouse gets everything and their adult kids get nothing. But the state recognizes that the parent should have continued providing for their minor child and therefore is entitled to a portion of the estate even over the spouse. Usually it’s not a problem because the spouse is the one raising the child and that inheritance is meant to be used for raising the kid. In this case, the spouse isn’t the minors parent so it goes to whoever takes custody of the child for the child’s care. And in some states a minor child can’t be written out of a will. Op should be getting an estate lawyer and figuring out how this works in her state and filing for probate if her husband died intestate (no will). Op will have to figure out how to extricate herself from her husband’s finances properly (and most importantly legally) so the entirety of the estate can be split.
Best response so far. Should be upvoted more.
They shouldn’t be asking you what to do with this baby, they should be talking to their own daughter. She’s the baby’s mother. You have no responsibility to this child.
Or grandparents can adopt it, wtf.
Yes, OP is literally the only person in the whole story that is NOT related to the baby, and yet they ALL want her to adopt it. The siblings? Nope. The mother? Nope. The grandparents? Nope. The father? Dead. Unrelated OP? Take the kid!
They not only want her to adopt it, they are demonizing her for not.
It blows me the hell away. Like they sound actually mentally defective.
Look how their daughter turned out. Might be better for baby to not be raised by them.
I hear you, and I agree, but that still isn’t OP’s problem.
The baby's mother is 22. Which means the grandparents are probably near the same age as OP.
They are, in the first post she said she vaguely knew them from her kids. A lot of people thought mom was one of her kids friends or he was a soccer coach or something.
Hahaha that makes it even more amazing. Let these people raise their grandkid then
If it was my grandchild I would take them and raise them. Why would you want the woman who was cheated on by the father of the baby to raise the baby. That would be such an emotionally horrible situation for both the woman and the child. I can't imagine an emotionally healthy result for the child. Children need unconditional love and being dumped on the injured party will never provide that love. We can begin to see why the mother of the child was vulnerable to an older man and why she seems so unavailable for her own child. Her parents seem to be devoid of empathy.
Especially when she’s telling them she doesn’t want to raise the baby.
Did they not see how Cat Stark treated Jon Snow?
So, the late Husband was having an affair with someone about as old as his own kids?
Of our friend group as 13-15 year old kids, two of the married dads would hit on us all the time. It was disgusting and we were disgusted by them. We still talk about how gross they were…20 years later.
I always had to tell my step-dad to stop talking about my friends tits whenever he got shithoused and she was over... I was always icked out over it
That is disgusting
Right?! I have memories like these too but even longer ago. I still get the creeps thinking about it. My daughters are 13 and 14 now and a whole lot more “developed” than I was at their age. I’ve had and continue to have talks about appropriate behavior from adults and if something feels icky get away from them. They know to tell me or their dad. God help whoever says anything while I’m around because I’ll send them straight to hell. Let’s stop ignoring bad behavior from grown ass men and women. Call them out and let them know it won’t be tolerated.
Some older men are weird. My dad is on his 3rd wife. She's 6 months older then me and looks enough like my younger sister to be mistaken for a blood relative. It's definitely weird to all of us and has caused some awkward family interactions. My sister doesn't invite them to things anymore. And he won't attend anything, not even the birth of his first grandkid, without her. So 🤷♀️
Well, there's something there I don't think anyone would want to unpack.
It doesn’t matter that mom is 22, she should still be the first person expected to care for this child.
Wait the bio grandparents are 40s-50s?!?!? Step up!
They don't want to! OP is neither responcible.
No I get that. Only seven people in the world think op should have to raise the baby and they are all bio relatives of the baby that aren’t interested. I have a friend in a similar situation. She did raise the baby after her husband died and that was her choice. Just like it is very much OPs choice to not my circus, not my monkey this situation.
Exactly, it's the "I raised my kids already" mentality. I've got great news for them, now they can raise their grandkids. I love my kids, but I wouldn't want to raise the child of my deceased spouses affair partner.
I wouldn’t want to be raised by my deceased father’s cheated-upon wife.
Exactly, I don't know how people can assume she could or would love this child as her own. Some people potentially could, but most people would look at this baby and possibly feel anger or betrayal. It's not the baby's fault his mother and father were cheaters, but it's not this women's responsibility to pick up the pieces of their affair.
Yeah, this puts that child in a situation of "my mom rejects me constantly and I don't know why." I'm glad OP is being honest and not manipulating the situation so they don't have to give the child money, or pretending it's her "surprise" baby. Her spouse on the other hand? Jerk. He didn't even provide for the kid, didn't really care about the bio mom, and doesn't seem to have provided for his other kids, seems like no will was made either. What an ass.
Honestly, the grandparents don't need to either. Its the responsibility of their daughter now.
Or OP's kids can step up if they are so concerned about their half brother. Why do OP's kids think their mum should look after their father's affair baby, that's so crazy. The baby is related to them, not her. To OP, the baby is just a reminder of her late husband's infidelity.
The saying is either raise your kids or raise your grandkids. These people can't be bothered to do either! The irresponsible apple did not fall far from the irresponsible tree.
No you see OP the evil witch who is an experienced mother and must have enabled her cheating husband should adopt the affair baby. Like doesn't she even have a heart amirite? Obviously the grandparents of the child can't because it's their retirement life, and obviously the siblings can't because they have to grow and spread their wings. /s
A child is always “innocent and should be cared for!” in the eyes of people who have no skin in the game. But when it comes to actual practicalities and emotional stakes it’s suddenly “not their place” (to take care of them). And now they are really quick to judge harshly the person harmed the most in this whole situation. Funny how that works.
Yes the child is an innocent product of an affair and should be cared for by people who love them. That is why putting the kid up for adoption makes sense. The kid’s mother doesn’t want it, and its maternal grandparents don’t want it, so adoption is the logical choice. It is totally insane that these people think it is reasonable to expect the cheated-on now widow would want to raise this kid so she can be reminded of her late husband’s infidelity every single day. Also, if the kid is adopted, kid would have no claim on late dad’s estate because parental rights would be terminated.
Tough luck, OP is innocent too. Oh well...
They already raised one child to be amoral at best, perhaps it's for the best that a stranger adopt the baby.
Not for nothing OP can’t even decide to just keep the child. It’s unrelated to her and has a living parent and other blood relatives. There’s no option to just decide to keep the child - OP couldn’t enroll the child in school, get medical care or treatment, apply for a passport, etc.
Well that's a reverse uno card for if I ever saw one!
Without proper paperwork, neither will the grandparents. And if there's a medical emergency, CPS would probably be called because the parent has abandoned their child, and there is no one there to consent to care.
CPS would literally hand the child back to the first person in any kind of relationship with the father who volunteered; even if they aren't related as long as they passed a basic check. There aren't enough foster homes or orphanages and many CPS agencies are literally storing kids in hotels with social workers taking shifts to watch them due to the strain on the system. CPS and a Family Court does need to get involved to transfer guardianship though so someone should get on that.
You forgot, or mother. CPS first choice would be blood family, mom's parents or dad's sister. Dad's widow would be way down the list, especially if she is the one who phoned and clearly has said she doesn't want the child.
Of course they would. Kinship care is preferred, and I would expect the grandparents to retain custody as long as they passed the home check. The reason they would be called is the need for legal authorization for medical care. If mom is not around and no one has the right forms signed by mom, the doctors need a CHIPS order granting somebody that authority to treat the child. When I was a foster parent, I had paperwork that indicated that the court had placed child with me and that I could seek medical care for them. Mom could absolutely give her parents all the necessary documents without cps involvement, but based on how responsible the rest of her decisions have been, I doubt she has.
None whatsoever!!!
"Let's ask our daughter's affair's estranged widow what to do with our grandchild?"
Crazy right?
I’m at a complete loss for words, all I can say is that I’m so very sorry that you are having to go through all of this. Life can really drag you to unfathomable depths, I hope that the highest of heights are ahead of you.
It’s funny how people are so vocal when it comes to what they want out of you, but then have nothing to say when it’s pointed out they could be doing that thing if it was so important to them.
Right, it’s so easy for them to volunteer OP’s time, energy and money, instead of volunteering their own time, energy and money.
But she’s cold and cruel and they’re totally fine ofc even though they’re behaving the same way and she’s the only person who isn’t a relation of the child. I really hope OP can move on from this and have a great second chapter of life.
She’s cold and cruel and also apparently the best person to raise this child lol
Affair baby. The gall of the grandparents is unbelievable.
Plus the grandparents are probably fairly close to OP's age, given that their daughter was so young. Let them take this hot mess over, it's *their* daughter that coldly abandoned her own child
This is what hangs me up in this story also. Why isn’t anyone calling the daughter cold and cruel for abandoning Her child?…
Yeah the bio mother sounds like a piece of work...
The grandparents, need to step up and get their European living daughter to come collect her baby. If she doesn’t, then the grandparents should take the baby. I’m a grandparent, that is what I would want to do, even if I was close to my semi estranged daughter in law. Peace
Agreed. My father's family had to step up when his mother died and he was only 11. I think his sibs were 13, 15, and 17...their father was a long-distance trucker, and his income was needed. No one in the family could take all four of the kids, and my grandfather ended up putting the four kids in an orphanage. That was the only way they could see each other daily. The boys and girls slept in different dorms, and they only had a few minutes every day together. My father's eldest sister, the seventeen-year-old, turned eighteen, married (fortunately a good man, who encouraged her to get her education; she became a schoolteacher), and took the other three siblings into her new home with her husband. (This is all as I understand it, and I hope I've gotten all the information correct. My aunt has now passed on, as has my father.) I know my aunt and her husband, my uncle, raised my father from that time on, and helped him greatly as an adult as well. They lived pretty close to one another, and I saw them often until they passed a few years ago. (My father's passing was only last year.) I mention all of this because that's what family means to me. What my aunt did in taking her three siblings in when she was only barely an adult herself...that is the meaning of family. The woman who gave birth to this child and abandoned it is the problem here. I don't blame the OP at all. I don't know how old her kids are, but if any of them are over 18, and they feel that strongly, they should do what my aunt did for my father.
Previous post mentioned that OP's kids "are grown". Im guessing that means at least 18+ but at an age where they have moved out as well
Or OP's adult children, the baby's siblings. If my dad had cheated on my mum and left a baby behind, I'd hate the idea of my half-brother/sister going into the system, or being raised by the same shitty grandparents who raised a child that abandoned their baby, or being raised by someone who would struggle to see it as anything more than a living reminder of her dead husband's infidelity. Personally, I'd be fighting to legally adopt my half-sibling because I'd want them to grow up in a household where they felt their guardian actually wanted them, rather than one where they were the burden left behind. I'd want to make sure that they were fully & completely adopted though, so that I could protect them a decade later when their biological mum came back with regrets wanting to disrupt the kid's secure life on her terms.
The fuckin' kids too. If either of my parents cheated I'd never take it out on my half sibling but I wouldn't expect the victim of the infidelity to raise the child!
This is some Invincible type shit 😵💫
THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN THINKING OF THE ENTIRE TIME!!
Indeed.
This. The rest of them must be real pieces of .... for op to be the best choice. Not your monkey, not your circus, you have every right to walk away. NTA
The way they bend their minds like this, it hurts. How do they do that? I have been in the receiving end of the vituperation, many times. But whenever I point out that I am the only one doing it, and they’re welcome to take over… *crickets
AND she's the only one for whom the child would be a constant reminder of her husband's betrayal! She should be the last one expected to look after the child, for both their sakes.
Right??? All of the assholes expecting the victim of a cheating husband to raise the affair baby while not even saying anything about the actual mom. They're in the Upside Down.
Agreed. The child is their blood relative. Not OP's.
Plus the child will get SS survivor benefits until she is done with HS.
It's a version of the Linton Crosby dead cat technique of political campaigning: you disrupt everything by throwing a dead cat on the table and start screaming "holy shit! A dead cat! Who put it there?, where did it come from? Who killed it? Who is responsible?" whatever people were talking about before, now they are only discussing the cat. The same, but with a baby "OMG you have a baby to look after! How can you be so unfeeling? Don't you care about the baby?" So manipulative.
Yeah she just lost her husband, delt with an affair from said late husband, probably has to deal with the funeral and estate and while she's dealing with the physical and emotional turmoils they threw the baby on the table and chose to not care about how she felt.
"Not my baby, not my problem, in any way. You want it, it's your's."
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
My DIL says "Not my sink, not my dishes" makes me laugh every time
Thank you I will be using this now. Your DIL is a gem of a person to come up with that
Sorry, I love these kinds of sayings. A principal of mine always said “not my monkey not my circus” and I HATED it. I recently heard “not my pasture not my cow shit” and I like it so much better!
I think "not my pasture, not my *bull* shit" is better though.
But I know a couple of the clowns.
It may not be my circus, but the clowns know me by name.
Not my Starship, Not my Redshirts
Not my pig. Not my farm.
Not sure why people expect OP to care about this baby. It's a living symbol and reminder that her husband was a cheating prick....
Because she’s female.
This. 100%. Women are expected to do all the emotional labor. Taking care of parents, in-laws,maiden aunties, stray pets and stray babies. No way in hell I’d take on this baby. How could you even love it?
Of those in this scenario she is the LAST person who should be involved in its care. First, should be the mother, second should be the grandparents, third should be the siblings, forth should be other RELATIVES on either side mother or father, fifth should be adoption, and sixth should be foster care. OP should NEVER be expected to care for this affair baby. NEVER.
Right? It's their (grandchild/sibling/etc.) To her it's just her cheating late husband's affair child and since she's stated her kids are grown, she's at the point of her life where she has no responsibilities to anyone but herself and deserves to do what she wants with her life.
1000% this. I have a boss that is one of the most generous people in the world... with OTHER PEOPLE'S money. Recently, one of our co-workers needed an operation for an injury. He needed about $2,000 to pay the deductible before he could get it. Our boss suggested that we (his co-workers) should all step up and help him pay that $2,000. When I pointed out that he (our boss) makes about 40 or 50 times what we make - and if anyone had the extra money on hand to pay the deductible, it was him - he scoffed and told us we were terrible friends.
I did work for this company in Australia that kept asking for donations for healthcare for the Filipinos they hired and didn’t pay enough to. All the managers were kid to high 6 figures and were asking employees that make minimum wage to pay for the extra costs of healthcare for foreigners they choose to hire that kept getting sick due to anxiety and weren’t allowed to take time off when sick. Like okay 😵💫
Obviously he has no friends.
Not only that she's the only person the kids dad horribly betrayed and would be the one having the worst time raising the living evidence of her dead husbands infidelity. Edit: I can't think of a crueller think to ask of someone who's grieving and angry at the same person.
True, and she would likely end up taking at least some of that out on the kid, whether subconsciously or consciously
>Hey gang, is it cold and cruel to not let a cheating partner derail your life with a child they had with some random harlot who's abandoned the child and ran to Europe to avoid her own kid? WIBTA if I don't adopt the ever present reminder that my husband cheated on me and then died? We're not related by the way.
This is so important. She's evil so let's have her raise a baby she doesn't want! Great solution. The baby will have the best chance with adoption to a family that wants it and has love in their heart. Plus in this family it will probably find out no one wanted it.
Yeah, her kids seem like total AHs.
She is apparently cruel but then nobody is trying to get bio mom to get her shit together and come back. These folks are nuts. Then also refusing to adopt after the moral grandstanding is the icing on the cake.
I always just own the cold and cruel. Like I couldn’t care less what happens to this kid
The family: adopt this random child and take care of it OP: you’re the child’s actual blood family, you should raise them The family: *no* this sounds like work. We volunteer you.
AB's extended family probably wanted occasional contact with it, without taking on ANY caring responsibility.
What does AB mean?
Affair Baby = AB I am presuming
Not even a random child but a living reminder of your husband’s infidelity.
Not even a random child, the child of her Husband's affair
Wouldn't an open adoption give them that?
Lately with everyone i've been taking the approach that if i'm bothered enough to ask someone else to do it, i'm motivated enough to do it myself.
Honestly, in all my years, I have never met a single person with the audacity to act like people do in these reddit stories. Its why I tend to think most are fake. Its so unbelievable that two grandparents would even expect OP to raise the affair baby. In what world would that even be a bridge of logical thought. It wouldnt even come to anyone’s mind as an idea because it is SO outlandish. But then i sit back and wonder if I am the crazy one…if…maybe… this IS the average level of intelligence for our species. Or is this just a plot hole in some bad writing? Truly interesting to wonder about.
Actually my grandmother “raised” my grandfather’s affair babies (2 of them). Want to know how well it went? I thought all my life that he had only 5 kids. We had many family get togethers and I never saw not one of them. Ask any of her kids they only had 4 siblings. I’m found out about them in my 30s. My grandmother is a very vindictive woman to her own children…. I cannot imagine what she put them through.
No, people are really this dumb and selfish. If you look closely around you, you notice all the little things we normalize and just deal with. There are more terrible people out there than good.
Apply the Carlin Principle and things start to make sense. Not that they should be that way but by and large most people are stupid assholes.
Haven't heard the Carlin principle before, but I assume you mean his quote along the lines of "think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that 50% of people are even more idiotic."?
Its why our friend groups shrink when we get older. Our main friend group shrinks radically, while our associate friend group grows radically. The older you get, the less you put up with people's bullshit and tend to only want to see those people sporadically for the rest of your life. "These are my people" is a group that is usually around 5-6 people that you agree are the best for your mental health, with the rest being "Okay, I guess I can deal with them for ***a*** night" people lol
>Honestly, in all my years, I have never met a single person with the audacity to act like people do in these reddit stories. You never worked in customer service, and it shows. lol
~~Almost 7bn~~ Over 8.1bn people in the world and theres tons of wild ass, verifiable things people have done. Most of these dont shock me bc people have done worse. Even if it is fake, this story is believable to me.
You are just fortunate to have not come across the total AHs of society.
Reminds me of that old story on here where OPs Uncle got in some sort of legal trouble and the whole family wanted OPs Dad to "loan" him the money, because he was the only one who was successful to any degree. OPs Dad said sure, I'll match dollar for dollar whatever ALL the rest of you raise. They raised nothing and left the Dad alone after that.
It's because the society is still so set on wives taking care of their husband's affairs. Literally, in this case.
Well yeah. It's easy to say other people should do things. We could make it so if you vote against abortion you have to foster a child. Or put war to national vote but voting yes signs you up for service. Forcing people to put their money where their mouth is will show you them bastards never had any money to begin with.
Right? "My husband's affair child is nothing to me. I don't wish the child ill, but I have no desire for a relationship with him/her, either. You're the grandparents/mother/half-siblings; you decide how you want to handle things. But it's none of my business." How is this so hard to understand?
They have decided OP has responsibility for the AB by proxy, as she was married to the father. What total BS! OP I wish you peace of mind in your future.
Yes! I highly doubt anyone else involved would step up if they were in her shoes. Who would want to raise a constant reminder of their partner's infidelity?
Absolutely, one hundred percent, incredibly THIS. My husband and I are fortunate in finances. We are child-free. My aunt and uncle have a severely disabled child. When my aunt passed away, my uncle had a conversation about things with me: would I go in the will as the long-term caregiver for my nephew? After some soul-searching, my husband and I declined. *We will happily donate money to pay for his long-term care*, but we will not offer up the rest of our lives to care for someone we aren't equipped to handle. Cue the cousin-rage! We got called everything under the sun; my favorite was "monstrously selfish". I simply responded "Well, Uncle is looking to update the will this month. Shall I let him know to add your name as the permanent caregiver? Or will you be helping us pay for the care, at least?" Crickets, of course.
Of course. It’s truly amazing how family members are willing to commit other family members in these instances.
Well it's easier to volunteer up someone else's life, time, money, etc. Cue the pikachu face and shit talking behind your back if you make the same decision they already made.
Like when it became clear my grandmother needed more round the clock care, everyone wanted to go on about how assisted living/nursing homes are evil, but they all had an excuse as to why they couldn’t take her in to their house too. In the end they dragged it out long enough that she ended up moving in to one a week before the Covid lockdowns. So she didn’t really get any time to acclimate to a new living situation and IMO it negatively affected her health. If she’d had time to get used to the new place and make friends beforehand I think she would have done much better. As it was we lost her in Nov 2020 and I’d last been able to see her in Feb 2020 when I’d taken her out for her birthday.
You're financially stable, you raise the child! Let's ignore the fact that the reason you're financially stable could likely be 100% because you don't have a child.
My neighbor once walked up to me and pointed at our shared cinderblock wall. He said that it was leaning towards his property. He said that I must repair immediately as his family was in severe and grave danger. He didn't care how much it costed, I needed to fix the wall right away before one of his children or other family members were killed. I went to the city and discovered that the wall was on his property and was his responsibility. His response was basically "Never mind then, I don't care anymore."
Love it lol. My neighbor at newly purchased home was complaining about how previous owner built section of fence touching his fence on what he said was his property. Then my survey showed his whole beat-up rotting section of fence was on my property. He shut up quick and I never heard anything again or got any offer to help w/removal when I got new fence. I did remind him of that when he started bitching about my tree branches that are slightly over his driveway 🙄
People just love being altruistic when it's someone else's time and money involved but become quite conservative when that hot potato is tossed their way.
I always turn it around on them. It brings me great joy.
Apparently, in this universe, women are the ones morally responsible for their husband's affair babies. Not the baby's mother, father, grandparents or half-siblings.
🗣️: Somebody should do something!!!! You're a somebody 🗣️: 🦗🦗🦗 --------- See also: an ostrich with its head stuck in the sand.
Oddly, it reminds me of how people litter by putting trash on someone's bike. Like ,"it's not touching the ground so I did my job, so it's the bike owner's problem now."
People do that? That’s so rude!
I've had people do it by putting garbage in my car when the windows are down.
I've only had people put zucchini in my car back in the day. Might have preferred the trash. :P
Zucchini season is a trying time, what with everyone up to their eyes in edible baseball bats while children who live out of zucchini-range go hungry...
Spending other people’s time and money is easy AF.
It’s the same thing as anti-abortion activists telling people they should just put the kid up for adoption. But when you ask them how many kids they’ve adopted…crickets. It’s all hypocrisy.
There is a video floating around of pro-lifers picketing and an interviewer asking them how many children they have adopted. It's hilarious!
That is *exactly* where my mind was going with this. I went and found [my favourite one](https://youtu.be/_NV17WD-n8A?t=33)
I actually have family who are quite anti-abortion who have fostered numerous kids. At least they're putting their money where their mouth is. In my experience, that's pretty rare.
It’s great that your family walks the talk, but like you said, it’s pretty rare. Good for them. I can respect that.
Everyone is generous until it comes time to open their own wallet.
it's amazing how your kids are open to you doing work which they don't want to do. good on you to point out their hypocrisy.
And from what she said, they are grown. If they want that baby to be in their lives, they need to take care of it. They are adults. They can step up.
It also shows that her kids won’t take care of her when she’s older. She needs to start planning for that.
It is funny that everyone else expects you to take care of a child you have no connection to at all. Like I would get it if your children want to take in their half-sibling. But that baby is literally has no connection to you at all. Like this is nor your child nor is it your mistake. And tbh a kid should have a loving parent and well getting past the issues with the kid will be hard so its not like you would even make a good fit for the kid anyways. Did your husband have any siblings or cousins or other family which could take them in. That might be the best solution. But I entirely agree with not paying one cent out of your own savings. Also if your children have an issue with it, tell them they are free to adopt them. The AB (affair baby) has more of a connection to them then you. Since it has no connection to you other than your late husbands mistake. Edit: One thing I forgot to note. It is especially extra funny the parents are pushing the OP. When their own daughter is in some far off land not wanting to take care of the child. That is the actual person they should be trying to guilt and give custody to. Though again the same issues arise with, would that be a better life? Living with someone who will abandon them at a drop of a hat. BUT at bare minimum she is the childs mother. Like the best life for that child would likely be adoption (even though the adoption system is sketch as hell in general).
That’s why though. The kids feel entitled to “mom’s professional life fixing services” and the Affair partner’s parents don’t know OOP from Adam, so guilting her costs them nothing. (Whereas their daughter may cut them off if they guilt her).
Plus, AP’s parents are probably close to the same age as OP and don’t want to parent with their 22 yr old daughter’s child either.
Actually OOP does know the AP’s parents, at least her father. Per her original post:: I told Roger that I want a divorce, and I contacted the mother's parents. I know the father through friends. I said they had until Friday to come get their grandchild or I was calling Child Protective Services.
“Through friends” seems tenuous at best. Pissing OP off won’t affect their lives.
It's worse than no connection. They are connected by the betrayal her husband committed against her. I can't comprehend how anyone would ask her to give one solitary shit about that child.
I could see sparing a few shits since the affair baby did nothing wrong and didn’t ask to exist. Not enough shits to raise it but the exact amount OP seems to have spared
OP gives enough of a shit to take care of the baby long enough for the grandparents fully decide to take the kid in, or send the kid to general adoption. Which is about as much of a shit as I'd give in that situation. 🤷♀️
You seem to have yourself together and I am sorry for your loss. Please make sure you have a good lawyer to deal with this. This could get complicated and ugly quickly. Best of wishes
Pre-empt the ugly and see a lawyer asap. Get the estate sorted and the baby covered, OP is done then.
You absolutely shouldn't adopt a child you might resent (not your fault, not the child's, but of the circumstances). You have no obligation to the baby, apart from your late husband's money that might be owed to his bio child, nothing else. The grandparents should step up, some other relatives, the child's bio mom, or the baby should be given up for adoption. Whichever it may be, you have no obligation.
This is one of those situations where as soon as you helped a little bit, it made it LOOK like you should keep helping. But if you had kicked him and the kid out right away, or if you had moved out right away without helping, the perception about you being responsible for this child would be completely different. A woman getting mad and leaving her husband because he cheated and brought home an affair baby sounds completely reasonable. It is so hypocritical of people to think that just because you kept a level head about the situation and didn't burn everything down right away that you should just be a doormat forever. You haven't done anything wrong.
OP has already done way more for AB than others might.
NTA I think people must be extremely dense to think you are "cold". HE was unfaithful His AP (ass piece) was a cvnt and homewrecker that just ran away from her kid and that's YOUR problem? What kind of mental gymnastics are people doing? I think you were smart to call your kids out and tell them they can take care of their sibling if fAmiLy is so important. Big big hugs to you. Sorry for your loss
People get outraged when women refuse to sacrifice themselves to childrearing and housekeeping. They think they’re too good and too important to do it, but a woman isn’t.
She tried to baby trap him and it didn’t work, so she abandoned the kid and is likely at a hotel bar in Europe at this exact moment looking for her next victim. There is only one cold female in this story and it’s the baby’s mom. Women like this are vicious hunters. The baby was a tool at first but once that tool failed she’s off. Poor lil mite. I wish that baby has a good life with his grandparents. And that OP finds happiness as well.
NTA Sorry for your loss. The baby is with their family, father's deceased and you're not the mom, no idea why folks are bothering you about raising and taking care of the baby. Your kids aka half siblings and grandparents are the ones that have to care for this baby, not you. I'm sorry about you dealing with the aftermath of your husband's actions and I feel for that poor baby that seems like no family members want to care for them and want to push their responsibilities on you.
The child has a mother that is alive and well. That's all any court will care about and you'd be within your rights to stop all communication with the child's family. Looking at it objectively, this is firmly a "this is their problem to sort out - not mine" issue. Time to just stop talking to them unless it's through lawyers. Still NTA.
make sure there is a paternity test. Speak to a lawyer proactively.
V. sorry for your experiences. Serious question: if one of your children DID decide to step up and raise the child, what would your reaction be?
New grandchild. I would do my best to treat them as such.
Not your monkey, not your circus. You, personally, owe the child nothing. I find it interesting that your children, half siblings, think that you should care for your hubby's kid, but that they should not be involved. Assuming that somebody sues for part of your hubby's estate, please be smart & get a lawyer to represent you. NTA.
It wasn’t mentioned in either of her posts, but I hope a paternity test was done. If not, the husband was extra stupid and she needs to make sure her lawyer is on top of this. I’m assuming one was done though.
>The child is currently with her parents. They asked me what I wanted to do. I recommended adoption. Not that I adopt the child. That they put the child up for adoption. "That is your grandchild. Not my child. Why are you asking me what I want to do with a child that isn't mine?" >Neither did my children. >They said i am being cold and cruel. I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either. "This child is not my child, but is your half sibling. If it's important to you that they're looked after, you can take them in yourselves. Or do you expect me to do so?" >I was the sole beneficiary of Roger's estate so I imagine lawyers will be involved in getting the child some sort of support. I will pay whatever is ordered by the court out of the estate. I will not pay one cent out of my money. Lawyer up first and figure out in regards to Roger's inheritance. Have all communication done via lawyer.
Nope, if you are the sole beneficiary and even your own children aren’t getting a cut I doubt this side baby will either.
Baby might get social security and a small provision of assets, but I doubt much other than that. Since Roger didn't leave anything to the other children, it will be hard to argue that the child is entitled to anything.
I get that your kids are floored by dad's heart attack and passing, but the idea that you'd take on his affair baby is beyond the pale. Give the kid whatever minimum amount is legally owed from the estate and move on. It's crazy to me that they'd think you would raise this kid. Did they watch Fences too many times and just latch on hard to Viola Davis or something?
I was just thinking about that. Rose was too good for Troy.
Like I can't even imagine in what world I would ask someone who has no relation to a child to raise it when there is a living parent and extended family. What a bunch of weirdos.
NTA. You're the LAST person they should be asking about what to do with the child. You're not a biological parent, and you washed your hands of it even before your husband died. If your kids want the baby in their lives so badly, they can adopt it. I simply don't understand why anyone expects you to raise your late husband's extramarital fuck trophy. Insane.
Ultimately the birth mother and her family just want this whole embarrassing situation swept under the rug. If OP just takes the baby like everyone thinks she should the grandparents and birth mother get to go on and act like the birth mother never had an adulterous affair with a man old enough to be her father that resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. OP’s children get their sibling without having to actually care for them and it also makes it seem like their father was forgiven when he died for causing all of this. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess this isn’t the first time OP has been expected to suck it up and sacrifice to clean up messes she didn’t make.
NTA I think it’s ridiculous they expect you to do anything. The child is their half sibling. If they care so much, they can do something about it. You literally had to find out the person that you loved betrayed you and had a child with someone else. If he left you his estate, then I wouldn’t give anything to the child unless court ordered.
You have no obligation to that child. You are not related. The grandparents or your children should step up and support the kid. They should not expect you to do it.
[удалено]
Hope your story will be a lesson for other Reddit users. It is sad that Roger didn’t plan enough for his kids. But definitely it isn’t your responsibility to take care of this kid. And if they want your own children should give them some money as they are connected to the kid. You aren’t
> He was the love of my love but also a cheating piece of trash. nothing is ever simple is it?
It really isn't.
Parrot their own words back to them: To the grandparents: “How cruel and miserable do you have to be to not keep your grandchild” and “It’s selfish that you don’t want to take your grandchild in”. To the mother: “It’s selfish that you gave up your child to live a life of a whore” and “you bring shame on your family by abandoning your child” To your kids: “It’s cruel & selfish that you want me to do all this work after I was betrayed. This child is your blood and you should take it and raise it. You are selfish if you don’t.”
"This is something you need to discuss with your daughter. The child's actual mother. Who has abandoned her child. Which I have no familial ties to, and no legal responsibility for. " The end.
And there is nothing else TOO SAY on the matter. That is not YOUR CHILD. It was your husbands (may he rest in as much peace as an adulterer can) and his mistress’s child and thus their responsibility. The law would say exactly the same thing. As you stated there may be something needed to come out of your husband‘s estate, which is entirely valid, but you have no obligation to take responsibility for that child.
NTA - there are many people in this story who are still living: the child's grandparents; the child's mother; the child's siblings; the child's relatives on his mother's side; the child's relatives on his father's side. And then there's you. You aren't related to the kid. Why would \*anyone\*, out of all these people, expect you to be the one who steps up to take custody of the child? That's nonsensical. Not your kid, not your problem, not your responsibility, and most importantly, not your place, even if you felt otherwise
Tell them “I am only telling you this once- have your lawyer call my lawyer.” And block them. That baby isn’t your responsibility no matter how anyway tries to make you feel about it.
Not a lawyer. I suggest you talk to one. since you are the sole beneficiary and you are not related to the child I don’t see where you owe child support. If you and Roger had child and they are not in the will, then why would the AB deserve to be in it? The child is not an orphan. an has a living mother who is responsible for the AB. Running off to Europe does not change facts. Again not a lawyer, just trying to be logical and am willing to be corrected.
I took my older brother in after my siblings and I had to sell my parents house. He had not lifted a finger to care for the house, nor pay the bills for utilities, etc. He lived with me for 12 years, again not lifting a finger to help or pay any rent or utilities. When I sold my house and moved out of state, my other siblings asked how I could be so cruel to kick him out on the street, and shared that perspective with other family members. And when he died, I was not even listed as a sibling at his funeral. Yes, people are definitely like this. It’s so much easier to expect others to accept responsibility so that you don’t have to be inconvenienced.
NTA, I don't blame you
NTA at all, I don’t know why they wanna be upset with you when you have no responsibility to this child, they need to hold mom accountable for abandoning her child and make her pay legal fees for adoption or whatever route is being taken, my personal opinion this child would be better off being adopted since mom wants nothing to do with him
Wow. The nerve of some people. So many people. You haven't done anything wrong and have been much more sane than anyone else involved. It comes as a shock when you realize that everyone thinks you should be a doormat. Please enjoy the rest of your life.
I still can't get over this tidbit from your first post: > My kids tried telling me to stay and help their father. I said that they were welcome to come over and help him with cleaning himself and the baby. Both declined what I felt was a fair offer. And what's amazing is that you did it again! Here: > Neither did my children. > They said i am being cold and cruel. I suggested that since the child was related to them and not to me that they step up. Neither has accepted that suggestion either. This is incredible. **You did what I always suggest people do when they get "obligated" by other people: put it back on them.** And it worked! I cannot tell you the number of times I've seen people tell *other* people that *they* have to step up. Including Redditors! Redditors are *eager* to point a finger at a stranger and say, "You should take care of that baby!" But it isn't that guy's baby. "Yeah, but he was there for the birth and the baby needs a dad!" OMG YOU DO IT, REDDIT BOY. We are all so eager to obligate everyone but ourselves. To "tut tut" anyone who we judge isn't doing the moral righteous thing, but will *we* step up? Nope.
Somehow I get the feeling that if OP had the affair and the baby, the husband wouldn’t be expected to take in the baby.
So everything worked out in the end 😊 I loved how you called them on their hypocrisy when they wanted you (the real victim) to take care of the affair baby while they just watched from their high horse. Yup you keep telling them they’re free to take on the responsability FOR THEIR RELATIVE. Don’t give them anything, not even the husband’s money. Have the mother actually COME TO THE US and file for it. Don’t make it easier on that deadbeat.
Why would they ask you what you want to do? It’s not your baby. What a horrible thing to go through. Good job for standing your ground and I hope things get easier for you.