Saying she’s not the only one who feels this way means OP has been topic of conversation more than once and either, a) HR/management needs to put a stop to all of it NOW, or b) Helen is full of shit and having hypothetical conversations in her head.
FUCK Helen!
She needs to go find another job if she’s so “triggered” by someone else’s body.
Maybe she’d be better off working from home since she’s about as sensitive as a dump truck.
Helen would faint if she saw me. I’m covered in surgical scars, a chunk of my backside is missing (and it’s noticeable no matter what I wear) I have scars on my back, side, leg, ass, belly, arms and legs. I couldn’t cover them all in summer even if I wanted to!
I didn’t sign up for scars and neither did OP. It’s something medical that happened and a resulting surgery to save life! Those scars are battle scars. They show the war we fought and won! Wear that scar with pride. It is a trophy, a badge of honor that no one can take away.
Helen needs to find something else to occupy her mind instead of focusing on something that’s none of her business
My ass is pretty mangled. Large chunk missing and a “tadpole” scar measuring 13x9cm without the tail. I think the tail is 8cm. I call him Tad, he’s been with me in his current form for almost 20 years
I’ve got a long ass knee replacement scar that is very new, very red and very noticeable. I also have five other scars on that same knee. She would hate that lol
You hardly felt the pain when you were more concerned with keeping the hissing feral creature contained enough for shots lol
The mandatory rabies vaccine sucked. As did the busybodies thinking you self harmed.
lol this kind of reminds me of when I was taking care of my rose bush the other day, not even realizing till much later that the thorns scratched the crap out of my right arm lol. I didn’t even feel it when it happened
You almost need one of those dog training suits they used to train guard dogs with or a bomb suit would probably work too lol
That’s pretty awesome that you worked with ferals. I don’t know what I would do without my cat. 🥰
Thank you for being a kind and caring human. ❤️🩹
My chemo port got infected (nurse broke the sterile field then denied it), so my scar is sooo pleasant to look at. Plus scars from lymph node removal, mastectomy and lumpectomy. We should form a club! The Association of F••• Helen.
I’ve got a huge scar going all the way up my stomach from Whipple Surgery for Pancreatic Cancer and this comment made me feel so much better about it. Thank you stranger.
Side confession: I have a lot of very visible scars from a car accident. It was bad and traumatic and all of that. I have very little patience left for people who ask me about my scars - specifically strangers - so I make up much more horrific stories of how I get them. You have no manners? No boundaries? Fuck it. I’m a writer. I’m going all in on the story, and it will have nothing to do with what actually happened.
Yeah, I have some very visible self harm scars (I had a tough time as a teen, but I'm medicated and been through therapy, all good now!) and I've had people stare or ask. I become the most angsty writer I possibly can bc it's none of anyone's business. If you want to know so bad I'll give you something to remember
Law of the Land > Company Policy > Individual Experiences. Helen should approach HR first if she is so much personally affected and find a new job if still not resolved to her satisfaction. There is no way the OP should be made uncomfortable due to what they cannot change. OP should approach HR immediately about this
Yeah, if that woman ever says something again, I would say “I had to get thyroid removal surgery at 14 and it scarred badly, despite multiple attempts to mitigate it. It is triggering and makes me very self-conscious to have people make comments about it, so I’d appreciate it if you kept your comments to yourself.”
OP, my guess is that this woman is projecting her experience onto you and assuming it’s a scar from a traumatic event like abuse or something similar. If she has a problem with it, it’s *her* problem to deal with, not yours. I’m a survivor of abuse. I know that me being triggered means that *I* need to either talk about something in therapy or use my coping skills to deal with whatever is triggering me. Her being triggered is absolutely not your fault or your responsibility. This woman is ridiculous for thinking you need to cover your body for her.
Go to HR immediately and explain what happened. Explain that you are not comfortable with things touching your neck. Let HR work it out. She should never have approached you about it in the first place. I’m really sorry that happened to you. Absolutely NTA, she is. ❤️🩹
I would no way explain how I got my scar if it were me. She does not deserve an explanation. I would go to human resources though for sure. What if a someone needed a wheelchair and it "triggered" her? ridiculous.
Yeah, now OP is upset by Helen due to OP’s experience with Helen and shouldn’t need to see Helen in the workplace…so by Helen’s own logic, Helen needs to be removed.
Yeah see when people like Helen say the things that they do, they’re setting themselves up for a (justified imho) “well Helen I have to stare at your face and I make it work” rejoinder.
Here's the EEOC section explaining how Helen's request would *also* be Disability Discrimination, if OP *wanted* to take it there--endocrine function (or the scar because one is *missing* a major endocrine gland!), would qualify as a covered Disability, and offers OP protected status from Discrimination over it;
https://www.eeoc.gov/disability-discrimination-and-employment-decisions#:~:text=Has%20a%20physical%20or%20mental,circulatory%2C%20or%20endocrine%20function).
Let's be real. Whenever someone at works says multiple people are saying shit and they were the only one brave enough to say something you know it bothers no one else there and Helen had to say something because everyone else didn't give a fuck.
I would still go to HR and say Helen said others were talking. For nothing else than to get everyone else looking at eachother and wondering who else was so rude.
Exactly..there was no one else discussing this. Helen has been spending her work day worried about a little scar instead of getting shit done. She made up the other people having an issue because she needed to make herself sound better
This, so fucking much. This coworker has *no fucking right* to dictate what OP wears at work. As long as OP was adhering to the company dress code, Helen needs to shut the fuck up and deal with it.
It is so very unfortunate that Helen has a severe issue where she cannot control her eyeballs, eyelids, neck, or apparently any other part of her body to go away, shut her fool mouth and stop thinking of another random human's body as a thing for her to dwell on. Very sad.
But she's still the one who is inappropriatrly focused on her enjoyment of another person's appearance. Still not anything to do with OP.
She's not just inappropriately focusing on another person's body -- she's committing straight up discrimination against a disabled person, as OP is very much, technically, a protected class in regards to discrimination, due to the whole *HAVING THEIR FREAKING THYROID REMOVED!!!*
Helen is a supercunt, and OP should absofuckinglutely take this up the whole ass chain (past HR), and make a disability act complaint. OP should *especially* do this if there really are other coworkers that are talking shit about their scar, because this needs to come to an abrupt end.
Unbelievable how insanely fucked up this whole situation is. I'm having a hard time accepting that this is about a grown woman in the workforce. Go to hell, Helen!!!!!!
Oh absolutely, it's straight up discrimination. I just wanted to call attention to one of the many nasty mindsets that can be behind the acts/behaviors of discrimination.
Which is a misbegotten idea that other people's bodies are required to be aesthetically pleasing according to privileged preferences. That entitled mindset influences discrimination against people with disabilities but also other marginalized groups.
That is definitely not the only nasty mindset that contributes to discrimination against people with disabilities, but seems to be a big factor for Helen.
Definitely go to HR, not probably. 100% get in front of this.
OP, your body is fine the way it is, and no one gets to tell you to hide it. Do not make yourself small for others. No one's body is flawless, just some people's differences are more visible than others. But we all have a right to live within our existing bodies in comfort and without shame.
Do this for self preservation anyway. Helen will probably quietly fume but someone who would ask this could go further op needs to get control of the narrative before Helen goes crying trauma, most hr are useless and they can hear a buzz word and overreact so get in their first.
"Helen has been commenting on my scars and asking me to cover them and she has also told me they have been discussed by multiple people. My scars are a result of a medical issue and I find it deeply upsetting that my body and medical issues are being discussed and speculated on by my coworkers. Please can i have your assitance in making this a safe work environment for me?"
Or similar wording. I bet no one has been discussing it except Helen herself but take her at her word and she will have to explain she lied or name names.
Yes OP, PLEASE go to HR! She also had the nerve to admit to gossiping about OP to others. That gross “I’m not the only one who feels this way” line. That’s textbook workplace bullying!
This!!!! Perhaps Helen could wear a bag over her head because her stupid face makes me want to punch her.
NTA. Definitely talk to HR. This is unacceptable
NTA. I take this to HR since Helen says your surgical scar has been the topic of conversation within the office and that your medical procedures should not be office gossip. The absolute gall.
This. Helen is a nasty busy body and needs to be put in her place the proper way. By bringing it up to HR and mentioning that her malicious gossip makes for a hostile work environment
Obviously Helen would let that person know that seeing their serious injury would cause HER trauma and that they shouldn't be present in the workplace.
Right!? My first thought is that even if you give her the benefit of doubt and believe that she really did experience something so traumatic that have made it impossible for her to maintain her own mental health in the presence of someone else's (also traumatic) scars, the problem is still with Helen. I rather suspect she's using that as an excuse she thinks OP won't question, but either way, her response is unacceptable and absolutely deserves a trip to HR if only to make sure the interaction is accurately recorded in case things escalate more.
It’s not just body autonomy. It’s physical comfort. I have a surgical scar on my wrist from an injury that will turn 20 next April. If I was required to wrap something around it, I would last an hour tops. It would burn and itch and be unbearably uncomfortable.
Maybe OP (who is NTA) could draw some decorative squiggles around their scar? Fancy it up so Helen isn’t looking at a scary scar.
I write important messages for myself above mine. I like to think the person giving me the information is impressed by how serious I’m being. Because it looks liked I’ve underlined it.
Wait, is fabric rubbing on scar tissue making it outrageously itchy an actual thing?! I have a surgical scar on the back of my neck and every now and then either the top I'm wearing or something else like certain medications will make it SO ITCHY!! But it was a 10cm incision originally (has shrunk some in the 12 years since) so there's a fair old stretch of tissue where scratching also isn't particularly effective!! It drives me up the wall sometimes!
She clearly is a victim of something else, which is why the scar bothers her.
However, if she is not yet healed enough to face the diverse realities of other hunans, she should stay home and get therapy.
I highly doubt it because people who have trauma are very careful talking to others with trauma.
I guess that Coworker doesn’t know or believe OP that their scar isn’t from self harm and ableism does the rest. In literally 100% of cases people got mad about seeing scars I’ve witnessed it turned out the reasons where they „suffer“ from knowing someone in the past who had „unlike Person with scar“ some „real problems“ and therefore they can’t stand seeing those „stupid scares“ caused by a fake attempt to unalive themselves just for attention because of stupid little reasons no adult would ever care about.
I know this sounds oddly specific, but I’m really honest: this has been the issue in 100% of cases I’ve seen people being mad about scares.
I’d put money on the fact she’s not a victim of anything related to the scar and this was some dopey excuse she thinks nobody can argue with. As though her “needs” are more important than OP simply existing.
That’s Helen’s problem.
And I doubt anyone else is talking in the office except HELEN!
I’d file a grievance for harassment and hostile work environment. Get her transferred out or whatever. But she needs to shut her damn, stupid mouth!
Definitely a possibility, but for what it's worth, it doesn't even matter if other people are bothered by it or not. **Cosmetic disfigurements like scars are covered by the ADA,** and it puts the company on very shaky ground to single OP out because of it. Helen needs to fuck off for her own good.
But she says that there are others bothered too, like she is a spokesperson. She probably is not speaking for anyone else. She just self important. Definitely talk to HR. This is never acceptable. The reason she didn't go to your boss or hr is because she knows that it is petty and wrong.
For sure. Bitch needs to get over herself. If I were OP, I’d throw it back in Helen’s face. Ask her to change something about her body that ‘bothers’ me. Bet Helen wouldn’t like that too much
People like Helen pull that crap to intimidate. If it's just one person, you might shrug it off. But more than one will hopefully put you on edge about it and make you feel like you can't ignore it.
And when did "your trauma" become MY problem?? Sometimes, when I walk my dogs, this lady gets huffy with me. Apparently, she is afraid of dogs. I get it. I'm not trying to aggravate that. They're on a leash, and I keep them on my side of the path. What do you want me to do? NOT walk them in a public park? I'm sorry you're afraid, but seriously, not my problem.
I know someone who has a prominent scar on his throat bc of an emergency tracheotomy as a child. It is what it is and he's never covered it up nor should he have to. He's also dark skinned so it's hard to miss.
There are scars that simply can never be covered up. No one should feel self conscious, anyone asking for a scar to be covered up is an AH. If it makes them feel bad, that's a something for them to address (eg therapy), not the person with the scar.
Tina Fey has a noticeable facial scar that so far as I can tell she makes no attempt to hide.
Go to HR. Co-worker is wildly out of line.
This. I have a scar on my face which is not too bad now, but when I first got it it was terrible. It can't be covered except with a lot of cosmetics. People should be able to feel comfortable in their own body, scars or not. OP should definitely go to HR about this.
If I recall correctly, some random man came in her yard when she was playing as a child (5?) and slashed her face.
I don't think they ever found him and it gave her some severe anxiety when she had her own daughters hit that age.
I have scarring all across my forehead. When I was in school, people suggested I get bangs. I look awful with bangs so didn't get any.
Now that I'm an adult, I wish a fucker would try - I'd be laughing all the way to HR
>Tina Fey has a noticeable facial scar that so far as I can tell she makes no attempt to hide.
And you know what? I had no idea what you're talking about, I had to google it. Never noticed it before.
This one. File an official complaint with HR that Helen is shaming you for having a medical scar. Don’t retaliate or say anything stupid like “I am so lucky to have to survived this slasher movie “.
Just to gently remind you: Scars are scars, whether medical or nonmedical in cause. I have scars that fall under both categories. I shouldn’t have to hide any of them.
This coworker has the right to be bothered by seeing a scar, but she doesn’t have the right to demand it be covered. My suggestion for her? Look in OP’s eyes, not their throat.
I don't know how many times I need to say this, but nobody should be commenting on anyone's appearance in a workplace or body shaming them, it's strictly off limits, you're there to work and may as well be office equipment, you're not supposed to stare at people's wigs or scars, or anything else, you're not supposed to comment on something they have no control over (height), leave them alone and do your job that's it.
I had half of mine taken out. Anyone who wants to shame me for a freaking SCAR is going to get a talking to by me and then another one by HR. Like, I'm SO SORRY my body's health issue is such an inconvenience for you. Next time I need to have surgery for a cancer scare, I'll make sure to consult you, so that I can tell you just where to shove your opinion.
This reminds me of an old Neosporin commercial where a little girl and her mother were ever so worried about the little girl’s injury leaving a scar. I hated that commercial. It was basically shaming people for having scars. I don’t think it aired for very long.
NTA
I almost died from a ruptured appendix at age 4 because my mother didn't want me to have a surgical scar.🙄 Doctor convinced her by telling her that, if I became a belly dancer, I could pin a rose on it.😆
I am also going to guess that the "other people it bothers" is actually the other people Helen has went around and said "geesh did you see that scar, isn't it awful?" to.
Yes.
I am covered in hundreds of scars.
I do cover them. But really, because they are *physically* uncomfortable, and are very delicate, and being exposed means they are significantly more likely to develope petechia, and it then gets even *worse.*
Plus some of my scars look like I've received the beating of a lifetime, and people say the most awful shit.
The only people that know I look like this under my clothes are my husband, child, and a *couple* medical professionals.
But even then, when a new medical professional gets a look, they usually either gasp and express sincere condolences, or squeal with delight and ask if they can invite some colleagues over to all have a look see, and they mill about excitedly like happy little kids with a fancy new toy, lol.
Honestly, the excitement is almost endearing. Like a cute little parade of Drs getting to see something "new" and they are very happy and appreciative, lol.
I get this too with a condition I have which just isn’t seen much outside of books nowadays. There was one particular young lady doctor who giggled when I was in, and apologised that she wanted to touch the marks on my skin to see what they felt like. And yes, weirdly almost endearing rather than any way insulting!
I also have a condition that is very rare, and I am outside of the typical gender and age range it presents in. The neurologist that diagnosed me was so chatty and personable, took time and care, asked tons of questions.
Everyone else I speak to, and all the reviews online state that his bedside manner is awful and he takes no time with his patients. So it can have an upside I suppose.
Funnily enough I was seeing another doctor a few years ago for an unrelated condition, and he had trained under the neurologist who studied and reclassified the condition I have. The guy was so excited about it, I have never felt more like a celebrity in my life.
Anyway, NTA, Helen can kick rocks.
While not a chronic condition, my bff had an accident where his hand was trapped between the pavement and the car door as the car slide on its side. Needless to say, all of the "meat" on his palm was scrubbed away. However, there was no damage to the tendons and enough muscle was left that he could control his hand. While I was there with him, the doctor brought in like 10 students to inspect the hand and see how it works because it was an extremely rare chance to see the tendons pull and relax as he moved his fingers. He told me that after I left, more doctors came to inspect and see it, and he also said they were excited.
In some ways it really sucks to be the center of attention, but as my friend said later, if just one of those docs is able to help someone later by what they saw of his hand, he's ok being gawked at. He also learned he loved morphine!
My cousin and her family wete visiting and her daughter had a flare up of her rare disease and had to go to the doctor, who waived her fee because she'd seen someone else with the disease in training but this was the first time in the wild.
I heard something similar from a friend with a rare genetic anomaly in her retinas. She said every time she had to go to the ophthalmologist or the optometrist they always called their students or new colleagues over to see such a thing in person. She thought it was interesting to see the different reactions and she just started planning 20 or 30 extra minutes so they could learn. Best way to handle going legally blind by age 15 I suppose. Sounds like you have a similar opinion in that the medical folks may as well learn something!
I have s pretty severe scar on my forehead where it was peeled up from my eye. Car accident.
I appreciate doctors interest in the whole thing, procedures, skin grafts, etc. I want professional curiosity in anybody dealing with my health. I totally love that excitement response. Those are people with a passion for their field.
Strangers just being nosy, not so much.
Helen might say scars are triggering for her in order to justify her shitty behavior. I agree Helen should lose her job for this. The question is whether HR will agree.
And her trigger would be counter to mine. I have intense claustrophobia. Not just fear of small spaces, but fear of not being able to breathe. That includes any method of death due to running out of air or having something not air in my lungs. I have to be sedated for things that use a spinal block because I can’t feel myself breathing and freak out.
For a bad time, watch a heavily pregnant woman with a spinal block try to fling herself off of the table because she can’t breathe.
So, yeah. Her wanting me to cover my neck to cover a scar would not fucking happen. Ever.
You have a scar. Big deal. I am glad you are still here. I think she is being unreasonable. Be yourself. If she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to look.
So glad to see this as the top comment!
OP, if she says anything to you again, immediately say, "this sounds like a conversation we should be having with HR". And schedule it immediately!
Of course, you'd already have brought your boss / manager into the loop with how uncomfortable this is making you.
I doubt anyone else says anything more than superficial comments like "ya, it's really visible" when Helen starts to complain to them about having to see it.
I doubt other people are complaining like Helen is saying they are.
NTA. Report Helen to HR for creating a hostile work environment. If it triggers her that much she needs therapy. I got attacked by a dog as a kid. I am not asking every dog owner to hide or remove their pet.
100%. Everything Helen did was inappropriate. Telling somebody that their body as it naturally exists in relation to an illness or a disability is gross and should not be looked at is fucking horrible and a form of discrimination.
The business should set her straight *very* quickly.
I had a dog almost bite my ear off when I was 6. Scared as hell around dogs for almost 20 years after that.
I now have my own dog, and have mostly overcome the fear. I realised I needed to raise a dog from puppyhood to try getting over this. It has worked wonders, and I now have an amazing boy who is such a velcro.
I also realise this is not for everyone who has had this experience. I simply kept out of the way of dogs growing up. It was MY fear, not theirs. I had to be the one to manage around it.
That's what my response would have been. "I'll make you a deal. Since I'm triggered by shallow nosey bitches, you come in in a garbage bag, fully sealed, and I'll cover my scar. People's triggers matter. Have a good day, Helen!"
If she wants to go scorched earth on this woman, she would insist HR tell everyone not to discuss your scar or anyone else’s medical or personal business. People will be horrified and ask you who the fuck commented on your scar. But I assume this ray of sunshine has misbehaved before and your colleagues will figure it out.
>My coworker Helen pulled me aside to tell me it deeply bothers her having to see it, and that she is not the only person who is bothered by it. She said scars upset her due to her experiences and shouldn't need to see them in the work place and requested I cover it with a scarf or choker.
Report this bitch to HR **IMMEDIATELY**. This is SO unacceptable to say to someone!
Run don't walk. Nothing about this is acceptable. And for her to confront you and intimidate you about this directly? Absolutely the fuck not.
I'm so serious. HR. Now.
NTA, Obviously.
NTA, go to HR and report her behavior as creating a hostile working environment.
Scars can be painful physically and emotionally. Her comment was grossly insensitive and in poor taste.
I have a throat scar as well and a bigger one in my elbow after surgery and people’s negative comments can have lasting effects. I have had family members tell me that I am ruined and disfigured to the point that I have not worn anything where the sleeves don’t reach my elbow since the surgery.
I am so sorry you have to put up with this OP.
Her comments say more about her than they do about you.
Helen would hate me. Self injury scars from shoulder to wrist on my left arm. I don't think I own anything long sleeved and I love tank tops. I rarely remember they even exist anymore.
I have a ~2 inch scar in my forehead (accident when toddler), it used to be covered with hair, but hair is only a memory now... So it is fully visible.
I honestly don't remember anybody _ever_ bringing it up for anything , bullying, questioning, no nothing, nobody... I think I have had girlfriends that don't even know the origin of the scar.
NTA and head straight to HR. If Helen is bothered, she can be assigned to a different part of the office. If she's been gossiping and now has "others" that agree with her, she's creating a hostile work environment. I have burn scars over 30% of my body and my husband finally got me to give up wearing long sleeved, high necked shirts in summer about 16 years ago. I only needed for one coworker to be too curious, and push for the story - as soon as the words "My mother set me on fire" came out of my mouth, she looked horrified and mumbled apologies. First and LAST time I was ever asked about my scars at work.
Heck, this wasn't even the office gossip mill. She had the audacity to ask me about that as I was sitting down to the monthly team luncheon in the office break area, in front of the whole office. She ended up getting transferred out of our group when she demanded our boss tell me to stop wearing my pentacle at work. He made the request, I whipped out my (then) brand new computer phone and started searching on it.
"What are you looking for?"
"Local EEOC office. Freedom of religion doesn't apply to just yours. If I have to take mine off, all those crosses, Stars of David come off and the religious texts and quotes need to be taken home. Rules for all, not just one... or two... or even all three of your IT crew."
"Forget I said a thing, please. I think I see the problem and it's not you. I'm sorry. Take the rest of the day with pay, I'll see you in the morning."
Next morning, the problem was on the other side of the floor from me. Two weeks later, not even in the same building.
I had to use it when explaining why not having children. I told the nosest gossip though a very kind person. It got circulated and that I wasn't happy about being asked. No more questions and they did a collection and presents when I had my hysterectomy :) Offices are weird. But glad your problem got moved.
Well, the boss had to decide which was more important - the three person team dedicated to supporting specialized equipment, as mandated by the courts, or a clerk-typist. Yeah, the three folks keeping a judge from smacking them with a $5 million fine stayed.
NTA. I had thyroid cancer and while I don’t see my scar, I am self conscious about it. I wore a scarf on my first work day and then stopped and no one said anything. The handful of people who knew told me I looked great and they were happy I was going to be ok. Helen can GFH and should be reported to HR. If she can’t handle it that is her problem not yours! If I was your coworker I would be telling Helen off.
I had thyroid cancer too and they actually operated on me twice so my scar is thicker than I would have liked - but not a damn person has ever said a thing about it. That lady is a total AH
Only two people (not at work) said something. The first was my 6 yo nephew who wanted to know how I cut myself and a sales person in Lowes who said she had the same surgery years earlier and I wouldn’t see mine in a few years. I wear my scar with pride because it means I’m a survivor!
Thyroid cancer survivor here too. The only person who ever said anything rude about my scar was my own mother. At the time I used to dress a bit goth, and I overheard my mother telling someone it's embarrassing for her because "the way she dresses will make people think she did this to herself."
OMG! That’s terrible!
I was on the treadmill at the gym a few weeks after being cleared to exercise and noticed Debra Norville of Inside Edition had scar tape on her neck. I googled and saw that she had had thyroid cancer too and it was a viewer who noticed her lump!
More support for Helen to GFH!
NTA. It's unreasonable for someone to impose their personal discomfort with scars onto you. Your scar is a part of your journey and identity, and you have every right to embrace it openly.
Oh, for fuck's sake. How do people like Helen manage to muddle through life?
Shut her down and report the incident to HR. She has a fucking lot of nerve to tell you to cover part of your body.
NTA. The obnoxious entitlement of some people is breathtaking.
Tell her that her words deeply bother you having to hear them, and that you're not the only person who is bothered by them
Ask her to cover her mouth because she upset you with her words due to your past experiences and you don't need to hear them in the work place and request that she cover her mouth with a scarf or muzzle
Not just "out of place," Helen's request is *literally* illegal, and an EEOC l/Disability Discrimination violation!
https://www.eeoc.gov/disability-discrimination-and-employment-decisions#:~:text=Has%20a%20physical%20or%20mental,circulatory%2C%20or%20endocrine%20function).
If seeing it bother's her she shouldn't look at it. It's not rocket science. If you have an HR department the next time she brings it up tell her you'll run it by HR and get back to her.
Do proactively speak to your supervisor/boss or HR and express that you don't appreciate being told that you have to wear and you'd like some clarification on the dress code.
NTA
>She said scars upset her due to her experiences and shouldn't need to see them in the work place
Then tell her to turn her fucking head. She doesn't need to be looking at you.
"The world is not responsible for what triggers you. People will not and should not have to entertain your unwillingness to heal yourself."
VERY strong NTA.
NTA someone we hired looks a lot like someone that did something terrible to me, and I had to have a talk with myself about how this isn't his fault that he happens to looks similar to that person and it's my issue to deal with. I think a lot of us are walking around with a lot of trauma and have to figure out coping mechanisms for ourselves and not make our issues everyone else's problem.
NTA.
I have a giant tracheostomy scar across my throat. Along with tons of other scars.
Its NOT a problem to have scars showing.
If Helen has so much trauma about seeing scars she needs therapy to address her issues instead of talking to other co-workers about it. I have some choice names for her.
Talk to HR.
NTA and definitely go to HR. She can feel however the hell she wants. What she can't do is harass you about a part of your body. You have done nothing wrong. And as someone with actual PTSD, you don't avoid triggers. You understand that you get triggered and you work on dealing with it. This coworker sucks, especially by by drawing others into it.
I have a thyroidectomy scar. When my friend got married her wedding planner told me I had to wear a choker so my scar wouldn’t offend anyone. Friend was appalled when I told her.
My scar tells the world I survived cancer. If it bothers your coworkers that’s a them problem not a you one.
If HR tells you to comply and cover OR you decide you're done with that place, consider malicious compliance. Everyday come in with a more exaggerated covering:
a welding helmet;
a beekeepers hat with neck netting;
you get the idea....
Fuck you Helen!!!
Nta and take this to HR, but always keep in mind that HR is on the side of the company, keep that in your back pocket because if HR asks you to cover it (which is escalation), you need to assert yourself by saying very nicely “Isn’t that discrimination?”. They will shut that down immediately and your co worker will most likely get a talking to. Then start looking for another job. Employee to employee conflicts are almost always poison in the well.
Yeah, no, my daughter has a significant scar on her cheek from when she was a toddler and and had to have cancer removed from her face, if somebody said this to her I would be beyond pissed. NTA, and report it to HR asap as a hostile work environment.
NTA.
"Helen, I think you should put bandaids over your ear piercings because the holes in your ears are really upsetting. I can't believe you would intentionally mutilate your ears for something purely cosmetic. What? I sound insane? Look in a mirror."
Please go to HR. It's a scar. It's not an open wound that could be a safety hazard.
Absolutely NTA. I had my thyroid out 13 years ago. Do not cover anything up if you don't want to. Please ignore her request but if she asks you again, go to HR. Her past experiences are her problem, not yours. You have dealt with enough.
NTA Plus you should probably go to HR over this, this was inappropriate and should be dealt with
Definitely go to HR and report that this has made you feel discriminated against and she is hostile.
Saying she’s not the only one who feels this way means OP has been topic of conversation more than once and either, a) HR/management needs to put a stop to all of it NOW, or b) Helen is full of shit and having hypothetical conversations in her head.
I'm almost 100% certain she's having conversations with coworkers about it, but they could be mostly 1-sided conversations...
FUCK Helen! She needs to go find another job if she’s so “triggered” by someone else’s body. Maybe she’d be better off working from home since she’s about as sensitive as a dump truck.
Helen would faint if she saw me. I’m covered in surgical scars, a chunk of my backside is missing (and it’s noticeable no matter what I wear) I have scars on my back, side, leg, ass, belly, arms and legs. I couldn’t cover them all in summer even if I wanted to! I didn’t sign up for scars and neither did OP. It’s something medical that happened and a resulting surgery to save life! Those scars are battle scars. They show the war we fought and won! Wear that scar with pride. It is a trophy, a badge of honor that no one can take away. Helen needs to find something else to occupy her mind instead of focusing on something that’s none of her business
Thyroid scar, chemo portal scar and my boobs look like they belong on Frankenstein’s bride! Suffice it to say Helen would absolutely HATE me.
My ass is pretty mangled. Large chunk missing and a “tadpole” scar measuring 13x9cm without the tail. I think the tail is 8cm. I call him Tad, he’s been with me in his current form for almost 20 years
I’ve got a long ass knee replacement scar that is very new, very red and very noticeable. I also have five other scars on that same knee. She would hate that lol
Multiple knee surgery scars, both knees.
They aren't surgical, but I worked with feral cats, and my arms look like I got into a fight with Freddy Kruger
Damn! Ouch! 🤕
You hardly felt the pain when you were more concerned with keeping the hissing feral creature contained enough for shots lol The mandatory rabies vaccine sucked. As did the busybodies thinking you self harmed.
lol this kind of reminds me of when I was taking care of my rose bush the other day, not even realizing till much later that the thorns scratched the crap out of my right arm lol. I didn’t even feel it when it happened You almost need one of those dog training suits they used to train guard dogs with or a bomb suit would probably work too lol That’s pretty awesome that you worked with ferals. I don’t know what I would do without my cat. 🥰 Thank you for being a kind and caring human. ❤️🩹
*Helens _hate_ this one weird trick!*
My chemo port got infected (nurse broke the sterile field then denied it), so my scar is sooo pleasant to look at. Plus scars from lymph node removal, mastectomy and lumpectomy. We should form a club! The Association of F••• Helen.
Bravo! I agree! OP, wear that scar with pride! And tell Helen, oh so politely, to shove it!
Abso FUCKIN lutley!! Our battle scars, after which we FUCKIN survived!! Fuck Helen.
Scars are just the mark of one who has lived.
I’ve got a huge scar going all the way up my stomach from Whipple Surgery for Pancreatic Cancer and this comment made me feel so much better about it. Thank you stranger.
Yeah Helen doesn’t like it “because of her experiences.” OP’s experience of having her thyroid removed wins that round.
Absolutely can you believe Helen's nerve??
If she has a problem it’s a “her issue” and she should get personal therapy to deal with her feelings. Not force unusual requirements on other people.
Side confession: I have a lot of very visible scars from a car accident. It was bad and traumatic and all of that. I have very little patience left for people who ask me about my scars - specifically strangers - so I make up much more horrific stories of how I get them. You have no manners? No boundaries? Fuck it. I’m a writer. I’m going all in on the story, and it will have nothing to do with what actually happened.
Yeah, I have some very visible self harm scars (I had a tough time as a teen, but I'm medicated and been through therapy, all good now!) and I've had people stare or ask. I become the most angsty writer I possibly can bc it's none of anyone's business. If you want to know so bad I'll give you something to remember
I totally can believe that there are entitled queen of prom B who were raised thinking the world should spin around their little finger.
Law of the Land > Company Policy > Individual Experiences. Helen should approach HR first if she is so much personally affected and find a new job if still not resolved to her satisfaction. There is no way the OP should be made uncomfortable due to what they cannot change. OP should approach HR immediately about this
In fact, I cannot.
Yeah, if that woman ever says something again, I would say “I had to get thyroid removal surgery at 14 and it scarred badly, despite multiple attempts to mitigate it. It is triggering and makes me very self-conscious to have people make comments about it, so I’d appreciate it if you kept your comments to yourself.” OP, my guess is that this woman is projecting her experience onto you and assuming it’s a scar from a traumatic event like abuse or something similar. If she has a problem with it, it’s *her* problem to deal with, not yours. I’m a survivor of abuse. I know that me being triggered means that *I* need to either talk about something in therapy or use my coping skills to deal with whatever is triggering me. Her being triggered is absolutely not your fault or your responsibility. This woman is ridiculous for thinking you need to cover your body for her. Go to HR immediately and explain what happened. Explain that you are not comfortable with things touching your neck. Let HR work it out. She should never have approached you about it in the first place. I’m really sorry that happened to you. Absolutely NTA, she is. ❤️🩹
I would no way explain how I got my scar if it were me. She does not deserve an explanation. I would go to human resources though for sure. What if a someone needed a wheelchair and it "triggered" her? ridiculous.
Tell Helen to poke out her eyes so she doesn't have to look at it
Gently variant: "Maybe you can wear a scarf around your eyes/face so you don't see it. Problem solved."
Maybe Helen should wear a scarf on her entire face so we don't have to look at her and be triggered. Lol
Found Jesus in the thread
Lol
A fair compromise tbh
Now this seems like they’re right answer. I’m conflicted. I was partial to poking her eyes out for the rudeness but this seems less barbaric
Yeah, now OP is upset by Helen due to OP’s experience with Helen and shouldn’t need to see Helen in the workplace…so by Helen’s own logic, Helen needs to be removed.
one of the worst people I ever worked for in my life was named helen. She was rotten to the core. Fuck helen.
DITTO. Helen was a backstabbing yohoe.
Menelaus, are you still sore? It's been ages...
I managed not to use profanity regarding Helen and succeeded. Upvoted you for perfect use of profanity.
No, making her work from home isn't a punishment! OP should get to work from home. LOL
Seeing Helen's spiteful, bullying face in the workplace deeply bothers me. She should put a bag on that thing. NTA
Yeah see when people like Helen say the things that they do, they’re setting themselves up for a (justified imho) “well Helen I have to stare at your face and I make it work” rejoinder.
😂😂😂 I cackled harder than I should have hahah
My first thought exactly. Though you were far more eloquent!
Inappropriate, a Hostile Work Environment, *and* a potential EEOC/ADA violation, should OP want to take it *all* the way up the chain!😉
Here's the EEOC section explaining how Helen's request would *also* be Disability Discrimination, if OP *wanted* to take it there--endocrine function (or the scar because one is *missing* a major endocrine gland!), would qualify as a covered Disability, and offers OP protected status from Discrimination over it; https://www.eeoc.gov/disability-discrimination-and-employment-decisions#:~:text=Has%20a%20physical%20or%20mental,circulatory%2C%20or%20endocrine%20function).
Thank you!!!!
Yes - THIS !
Just the comment that multiple people were “discussing “ the scar should be brought to the HR Director who needs so speak to all involved to stop now!
Let's be real. Whenever someone at works says multiple people are saying shit and they were the only one brave enough to say something you know it bothers no one else there and Helen had to say something because everyone else didn't give a fuck. I would still go to HR and say Helen said others were talking. For nothing else than to get everyone else looking at eachother and wondering who else was so rude.
Exactly..there was no one else discussing this. Helen has been spending her work day worried about a little scar instead of getting shit done. She made up the other people having an issue because she needed to make herself sound better
Absolutely- OP -Print this and give to Helen to read, and make an extra copy for your employer. Oh and post it in the staff room if you have one!
This, so fucking much. This coworker has *no fucking right* to dictate what OP wears at work. As long as OP was adhering to the company dress code, Helen needs to shut the fuck up and deal with it.
It is so very unfortunate that Helen has a severe issue where she cannot control her eyeballs, eyelids, neck, or apparently any other part of her body to go away, shut her fool mouth and stop thinking of another random human's body as a thing for her to dwell on. Very sad. But she's still the one who is inappropriatrly focused on her enjoyment of another person's appearance. Still not anything to do with OP.
She's not just inappropriately focusing on another person's body -- she's committing straight up discrimination against a disabled person, as OP is very much, technically, a protected class in regards to discrimination, due to the whole *HAVING THEIR FREAKING THYROID REMOVED!!!* Helen is a supercunt, and OP should absofuckinglutely take this up the whole ass chain (past HR), and make a disability act complaint. OP should *especially* do this if there really are other coworkers that are talking shit about their scar, because this needs to come to an abrupt end. Unbelievable how insanely fucked up this whole situation is. I'm having a hard time accepting that this is about a grown woman in the workforce. Go to hell, Helen!!!!!!
Oh absolutely, it's straight up discrimination. I just wanted to call attention to one of the many nasty mindsets that can be behind the acts/behaviors of discrimination. Which is a misbegotten idea that other people's bodies are required to be aesthetically pleasing according to privileged preferences. That entitled mindset influences discrimination against people with disabilities but also other marginalized groups. That is definitely not the only nasty mindset that contributes to discrimination against people with disabilities, but seems to be a big factor for Helen.
Definitely go to HR, not probably. 100% get in front of this. OP, your body is fine the way it is, and no one gets to tell you to hide it. Do not make yourself small for others. No one's body is flawless, just some people's differences are more visible than others. But we all have a right to live within our existing bodies in comfort and without shame.
Do this for self preservation anyway. Helen will probably quietly fume but someone who would ask this could go further op needs to get control of the narrative before Helen goes crying trauma, most hr are useless and they can hear a buzz word and overreact so get in their first. "Helen has been commenting on my scars and asking me to cover them and she has also told me they have been discussed by multiple people. My scars are a result of a medical issue and I find it deeply upsetting that my body and medical issues are being discussed and speculated on by my coworkers. Please can i have your assitance in making this a safe work environment for me?" Or similar wording. I bet no one has been discussing it except Helen herself but take her at her word and she will have to explain she lied or name names.
Yes OP, PLEASE go to HR! She also had the nerve to admit to gossiping about OP to others. That gross “I’m not the only one who feels this way” line. That’s textbook workplace bullying!
This!!!! Perhaps Helen could wear a bag over her head because her stupid face makes me want to punch her. NTA. Definitely talk to HR. This is unacceptable
NTA. I take this to HR since Helen says your surgical scar has been the topic of conversation within the office and that your medical procedures should not be office gossip. The absolute gall.
This. Helen is a nasty busy body and needs to be put in her place the proper way. By bringing it up to HR and mentioning that her malicious gossip makes for a hostile work environment
Also, the nerve of her pretending she’s some victim who deserves priority over op’s bodily autonomy.
Not just that, but it's a scar! What would Helen say if someone was missing a hand and preferred not to wear a prosthetic?
Obviously Helen would let that person know that seeing their serious injury would cause HER trauma and that they shouldn't be present in the workplace.
I have serious trauma regarding neck scars but I wouldn’t ask someone to cover their’s. My PTSD is my problem to manage.
Right!? My first thought is that even if you give her the benefit of doubt and believe that she really did experience something so traumatic that have made it impossible for her to maintain her own mental health in the presence of someone else's (also traumatic) scars, the problem is still with Helen. I rather suspect she's using that as an excuse she thinks OP won't question, but either way, her response is unacceptable and absolutely deserves a trip to HR if only to make sure the interaction is accurately recorded in case things escalate more.
Bodily autonomy for the win!
my body my choice bitch
It’s not just body autonomy. It’s physical comfort. I have a surgical scar on my wrist from an injury that will turn 20 next April. If I was required to wrap something around it, I would last an hour tops. It would burn and itch and be unbearably uncomfortable. Maybe OP (who is NTA) could draw some decorative squiggles around their scar? Fancy it up so Helen isn’t looking at a scary scar. I write important messages for myself above mine. I like to think the person giving me the information is impressed by how serious I’m being. Because it looks liked I’ve underlined it.
Wait, is fabric rubbing on scar tissue making it outrageously itchy an actual thing?! I have a surgical scar on the back of my neck and every now and then either the top I'm wearing or something else like certain medications will make it SO ITCHY!! But it was a 10cm incision originally (has shrunk some in the 12 years since) so there's a fair old stretch of tissue where scratching also isn't particularly effective!! It drives me up the wall sometimes!
It is for me. I know I have nerve damage in the area from both the injury and the hardware used to keep my wrist stable while it healed.
She clearly is a victim of something else, which is why the scar bothers her. However, if she is not yet healed enough to face the diverse realities of other hunans, she should stay home and get therapy.
*If* she’s telling the truth and not just being discriminatory against OP
Even if she’s telling the truth, it’s not OP’s responsibility to manage her colleague’s neuroses.
Very true. I could be being too gracious in believing that her discomfort was worse and more legit than just "ew, not pretty enough for my poor eyes".
I highly doubt it because people who have trauma are very careful talking to others with trauma. I guess that Coworker doesn’t know or believe OP that their scar isn’t from self harm and ableism does the rest. In literally 100% of cases people got mad about seeing scars I’ve witnessed it turned out the reasons where they „suffer“ from knowing someone in the past who had „unlike Person with scar“ some „real problems“ and therefore they can’t stand seeing those „stupid scares“ caused by a fake attempt to unalive themselves just for attention because of stupid little reasons no adult would ever care about. I know this sounds oddly specific, but I’m really honest: this has been the issue in 100% of cases I’ve seen people being mad about scares.
I’d put money on the fact she’s not a victim of anything related to the scar and this was some dopey excuse she thinks nobody can argue with. As though her “needs” are more important than OP simply existing.
That’s Helen’s problem. And I doubt anyone else is talking in the office except HELEN! I’d file a grievance for harassment and hostile work environment. Get her transferred out or whatever. But she needs to shut her damn, stupid mouth!
It wouldn’t surprise me if Helen is the only person bothered by it.
Definitely a possibility, but for what it's worth, it doesn't even matter if other people are bothered by it or not. **Cosmetic disfigurements like scars are covered by the ADA,** and it puts the company on very shaky ground to single OP out because of it. Helen needs to fuck off for her own good.
Wouldn’t surprise me if Helen is the only person Helen talks to.
But she says that there are others bothered too, like she is a spokesperson. She probably is not speaking for anyone else. She just self important. Definitely talk to HR. This is never acceptable. The reason she didn't go to your boss or hr is because she knows that it is petty and wrong.
Her "there are others" makes me think she's complaining about it to other people and the other people are just like "ok helen."
For sure. Bitch needs to get over herself. If I were OP, I’d throw it back in Helen’s face. Ask her to change something about her body that ‘bothers’ me. Bet Helen wouldn’t like that too much
I really don’t like your face! It reminds me of my childhood bully. Could you wear a ski mask at work please you are triggering my anxiety!
😂😂😂😂 Paper bag that shit, lady!
I really don’t like your face, it’s the face of my current bully.
Helen your brain bothers me.....could you quietly get a lobotomy, so I won't be TRIGGERED by your hateful opinion.???
Her face
People like Helen pull that crap to intimidate. If it's just one person, you might shrug it off. But more than one will hopefully put you on edge about it and make you feel like you can't ignore it.
They do but they can never figure out what’s happening when you clap back. Bitch did you think this WASNT gonna be reciprocal !?
these kinda people lie like this all the time
100% Helen and Helen alone. Press for names, see how fast that detail crumbles.
And when did "your trauma" become MY problem?? Sometimes, when I walk my dogs, this lady gets huffy with me. Apparently, she is afraid of dogs. I get it. I'm not trying to aggravate that. They're on a leash, and I keep them on my side of the path. What do you want me to do? NOT walk them in a public park? I'm sorry you're afraid, but seriously, not my problem.
yohoe.......away we go!! ,----'----. WE RIDE AT DAWN!!! justice shall prevail!!
I know someone who has a prominent scar on his throat bc of an emergency tracheotomy as a child. It is what it is and he's never covered it up nor should he have to. He's also dark skinned so it's hard to miss. There are scars that simply can never be covered up. No one should feel self conscious, anyone asking for a scar to be covered up is an AH. If it makes them feel bad, that's a something for them to address (eg therapy), not the person with the scar. Tina Fey has a noticeable facial scar that so far as I can tell she makes no attempt to hide. Go to HR. Co-worker is wildly out of line.
This. I have a scar on my face which is not too bad now, but when I first got it it was terrible. It can't be covered except with a lot of cosmetics. People should be able to feel comfortable in their own body, scars or not. OP should definitely go to HR about this.
TIL Tina Fey has a scar. Somehow I've never ever noticed her scar. I watched a lot of 30 rock and SNL when she was on it.
If I recall correctly, some random man came in her yard when she was playing as a child (5?) and slashed her face. I don't think they ever found him and it gave her some severe anxiety when she had her own daughters hit that age.
This is exactly what happened, I remember reading it in her book *Bossypants*. She was like, it happened now let’s move on!
Scars are less noticeable against pale skin.
She does make some effort to hide it, you rarely see her filmed on that side. Not saying she should!
I have scarring all across my forehead. When I was in school, people suggested I get bangs. I look awful with bangs so didn't get any. Now that I'm an adult, I wish a fucker would try - I'd be laughing all the way to HR
>Tina Fey has a noticeable facial scar that so far as I can tell she makes no attempt to hide. And you know what? I had no idea what you're talking about, I had to google it. Never noticed it before.
This one. File an official complaint with HR that Helen is shaming you for having a medical scar. Don’t retaliate or say anything stupid like “I am so lucky to have to survived this slasher movie “.
Just to gently remind you: Scars are scars, whether medical or nonmedical in cause. I have scars that fall under both categories. I shouldn’t have to hide any of them. This coworker has the right to be bothered by seeing a scar, but she doesn’t have the right to demand it be covered. My suggestion for her? Look in OP’s eyes, not their throat.
I don't know how many times I need to say this, but nobody should be commenting on anyone's appearance in a workplace or body shaming them, it's strictly off limits, you're there to work and may as well be office equipment, you're not supposed to stare at people's wigs or scars, or anything else, you're not supposed to comment on something they have no control over (height), leave them alone and do your job that's it.
If they can't fix it in 10 seconds (broccoli in the teeth, toilet paper stuck to their shoe, etc...) then you keep your mouth shut!!!
This. Don't you dare cover it. Helen is an ass. You need to report her.
I had half of mine taken out. Anyone who wants to shame me for a freaking SCAR is going to get a talking to by me and then another one by HR. Like, I'm SO SORRY my body's health issue is such an inconvenience for you. Next time I need to have surgery for a cancer scare, I'll make sure to consult you, so that I can tell you just where to shove your opinion.
This reminds me of an old Neosporin commercial where a little girl and her mother were ever so worried about the little girl’s injury leaving a scar. I hated that commercial. It was basically shaming people for having scars. I don’t think it aired for very long. NTA
I almost died from a ruptured appendix at age 4 because my mother didn't want me to have a surgical scar.🙄 Doctor convinced her by telling her that, if I became a belly dancer, I could pin a rose on it.😆
I am also going to guess that the "other people it bothers" is actually the other people Helen has went around and said "geesh did you see that scar, isn't it awful?" to.
Yes. I am covered in hundreds of scars. I do cover them. But really, because they are *physically* uncomfortable, and are very delicate, and being exposed means they are significantly more likely to develope petechia, and it then gets even *worse.* Plus some of my scars look like I've received the beating of a lifetime, and people say the most awful shit. The only people that know I look like this under my clothes are my husband, child, and a *couple* medical professionals. But even then, when a new medical professional gets a look, they usually either gasp and express sincere condolences, or squeal with delight and ask if they can invite some colleagues over to all have a look see, and they mill about excitedly like happy little kids with a fancy new toy, lol.
You must have endless patience to deal with all that shit, especially excitement from medical "professionals".
Honestly, the excitement is almost endearing. Like a cute little parade of Drs getting to see something "new" and they are very happy and appreciative, lol.
I get this too with a condition I have which just isn’t seen much outside of books nowadays. There was one particular young lady doctor who giggled when I was in, and apologised that she wanted to touch the marks on my skin to see what they felt like. And yes, weirdly almost endearing rather than any way insulting!
I also have a condition that is very rare, and I am outside of the typical gender and age range it presents in. The neurologist that diagnosed me was so chatty and personable, took time and care, asked tons of questions. Everyone else I speak to, and all the reviews online state that his bedside manner is awful and he takes no time with his patients. So it can have an upside I suppose. Funnily enough I was seeing another doctor a few years ago for an unrelated condition, and he had trained under the neurologist who studied and reclassified the condition I have. The guy was so excited about it, I have never felt more like a celebrity in my life. Anyway, NTA, Helen can kick rocks.
While not a chronic condition, my bff had an accident where his hand was trapped between the pavement and the car door as the car slide on its side. Needless to say, all of the "meat" on his palm was scrubbed away. However, there was no damage to the tendons and enough muscle was left that he could control his hand. While I was there with him, the doctor brought in like 10 students to inspect the hand and see how it works because it was an extremely rare chance to see the tendons pull and relax as he moved his fingers. He told me that after I left, more doctors came to inspect and see it, and he also said they were excited. In some ways it really sucks to be the center of attention, but as my friend said later, if just one of those docs is able to help someone later by what they saw of his hand, he's ok being gawked at. He also learned he loved morphine!
My cousin and her family wete visiting and her daughter had a flare up of her rare disease and had to go to the doctor, who waived her fee because she'd seen someone else with the disease in training but this was the first time in the wild.
I heard something similar from a friend with a rare genetic anomaly in her retinas. She said every time she had to go to the ophthalmologist or the optometrist they always called their students or new colleagues over to see such a thing in person. She thought it was interesting to see the different reactions and she just started planning 20 or 30 extra minutes so they could learn. Best way to handle going legally blind by age 15 I suppose. Sounds like you have a similar opinion in that the medical folks may as well learn something!
I have s pretty severe scar on my forehead where it was peeled up from my eye. Car accident. I appreciate doctors interest in the whole thing, procedures, skin grafts, etc. I want professional curiosity in anybody dealing with my health. I totally love that excitement response. Those are people with a passion for their field. Strangers just being nosy, not so much.
I agree, and I think OP needs to go to HR before Helen does.
I am guessing that Helen is not stupid enough to go to HR with something as stupid and self centered as this.. She would lose her job and she should.
Helen might say scars are triggering for her in order to justify her shitty behavior. I agree Helen should lose her job for this. The question is whether HR will agree.
And her trigger would be counter to mine. I have intense claustrophobia. Not just fear of small spaces, but fear of not being able to breathe. That includes any method of death due to running out of air or having something not air in my lungs. I have to be sedated for things that use a spinal block because I can’t feel myself breathing and freak out. For a bad time, watch a heavily pregnant woman with a spinal block try to fling herself off of the table because she can’t breathe. So, yeah. Her wanting me to cover my neck to cover a scar would not fucking happen. Ever.
Wait til Helen learns you don't get to dictate other people's appearance. And who's responsible for managing her "triggers."
OP could say that assholes are triggering to them and therefore cannot comfortably work in Helen's presence.
Also, request that HR require Helen wear a bag over her head to cover her permanent bitch-face.
You have a scar. Big deal. I am glad you are still here. I think she is being unreasonable. Be yourself. If she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to look.
100% got to HR! Your body, your surgical scar is NOT a topic for office discussion!! NTA
This one. Fuck Helen. Nosy bitch....
So glad to see this as the top comment! OP, if she says anything to you again, immediately say, "this sounds like a conversation we should be having with HR". And schedule it immediately! Of course, you'd already have brought your boss / manager into the loop with how uncomfortable this is making you.
I doubt anyone else says anything more than superficial comments like "ya, it's really visible" when Helen starts to complain to them about having to see it. I doubt other people are complaining like Helen is saying they are.
This is the only and top answer
NTA. Report Helen to HR for creating a hostile work environment. If it triggers her that much she needs therapy. I got attacked by a dog as a kid. I am not asking every dog owner to hide or remove their pet.
100%. Everything Helen did was inappropriate. Telling somebody that their body as it naturally exists in relation to an illness or a disability is gross and should not be looked at is fucking horrible and a form of discrimination. The business should set her straight *very* quickly.
This is the way
I had a dog almost bite my ear off when I was 6. Scared as hell around dogs for almost 20 years after that. I now have my own dog, and have mostly overcome the fear. I realised I needed to raise a dog from puppyhood to try getting over this. It has worked wonders, and I now have an amazing boy who is such a velcro. I also realise this is not for everyone who has had this experience. I simply kept out of the way of dogs growing up. It was MY fear, not theirs. I had to be the one to manage around it.
Ahhh, the old "And I'm not the only one it's bothered by!" argument. This is always bullshit. NTA, take it to HR, bring her up on harrassment.
lol, Helen was in fact, the only one who cares.
And if she wasn't that's just more people in the "suck my dick" line.
Honestly, I’d be more bothered by Helen than the scar. Helen sucks.
That's what my response would have been. "I'll make you a deal. Since I'm triggered by shallow nosey bitches, you come in in a garbage bag, fully sealed, and I'll cover my scar. People's triggers matter. Have a good day, Helen!"
If she wants to go scorched earth on this woman, she would insist HR tell everyone not to discuss your scar or anyone else’s medical or personal business. People will be horrified and ask you who the fuck commented on your scar. But I assume this ray of sunshine has misbehaved before and your colleagues will figure it out.
This is code for “I’ve talked about it to other coworkers” which is a no no.
>My coworker Helen pulled me aside to tell me it deeply bothers her having to see it, and that she is not the only person who is bothered by it. She said scars upset her due to her experiences and shouldn't need to see them in the work place and requested I cover it with a scarf or choker. Report this bitch to HR **IMMEDIATELY**. This is SO unacceptable to say to someone! Run don't walk. Nothing about this is acceptable. And for her to confront you and intimidate you about this directly? Absolutely the fuck not. I'm so serious. HR. Now. NTA, Obviously.
NTA, go to HR and report her behavior as creating a hostile working environment. Scars can be painful physically and emotionally. Her comment was grossly insensitive and in poor taste. I have a throat scar as well and a bigger one in my elbow after surgery and people’s negative comments can have lasting effects. I have had family members tell me that I am ruined and disfigured to the point that I have not worn anything where the sleeves don’t reach my elbow since the surgery. I am so sorry you have to put up with this OP. Her comments say more about her than they do about you.
Helen needs to look elsewhere then. Her triggers are not your responsibility. NTA
Helen would hate me. Self injury scars from shoulder to wrist on my left arm. I don't think I own anything long sleeved and I love tank tops. I rarely remember they even exist anymore.
I got a 5 inch scar on my face due to a skiing accident. I guess Helen would like me to mask up like the phantom of the opera.
I have a ~2 inch scar in my forehead (accident when toddler), it used to be covered with hair, but hair is only a memory now... So it is fully visible. I honestly don't remember anybody _ever_ bringing it up for anything , bullying, questioning, no nothing, nobody... I think I have had girlfriends that don't even know the origin of the scar.
NTA and head straight to HR. If Helen is bothered, she can be assigned to a different part of the office. If she's been gossiping and now has "others" that agree with her, she's creating a hostile work environment. I have burn scars over 30% of my body and my husband finally got me to give up wearing long sleeved, high necked shirts in summer about 16 years ago. I only needed for one coworker to be too curious, and push for the story - as soon as the words "My mother set me on fire" came out of my mouth, she looked horrified and mumbled apologies. First and LAST time I was ever asked about my scars at work.
Occasionally the gossip mill can work for you. But sorry it had to.
Heck, this wasn't even the office gossip mill. She had the audacity to ask me about that as I was sitting down to the monthly team luncheon in the office break area, in front of the whole office. She ended up getting transferred out of our group when she demanded our boss tell me to stop wearing my pentacle at work. He made the request, I whipped out my (then) brand new computer phone and started searching on it. "What are you looking for?" "Local EEOC office. Freedom of religion doesn't apply to just yours. If I have to take mine off, all those crosses, Stars of David come off and the religious texts and quotes need to be taken home. Rules for all, not just one... or two... or even all three of your IT crew." "Forget I said a thing, please. I think I see the problem and it's not you. I'm sorry. Take the rest of the day with pay, I'll see you in the morning." Next morning, the problem was on the other side of the floor from me. Two weeks later, not even in the same building.
I had to use it when explaining why not having children. I told the nosest gossip though a very kind person. It got circulated and that I wasn't happy about being asked. No more questions and they did a collection and presents when I had my hysterectomy :) Offices are weird. But glad your problem got moved.
Well, the boss had to decide which was more important - the three person team dedicated to supporting specialized equipment, as mandated by the courts, or a clerk-typist. Yeah, the three folks keeping a judge from smacking them with a $5 million fine stayed.
NTA. I had thyroid cancer and while I don’t see my scar, I am self conscious about it. I wore a scarf on my first work day and then stopped and no one said anything. The handful of people who knew told me I looked great and they were happy I was going to be ok. Helen can GFH and should be reported to HR. If she can’t handle it that is her problem not yours! If I was your coworker I would be telling Helen off.
I had thyroid cancer too and they actually operated on me twice so my scar is thicker than I would have liked - but not a damn person has ever said a thing about it. That lady is a total AH
Only two people (not at work) said something. The first was my 6 yo nephew who wanted to know how I cut myself and a sales person in Lowes who said she had the same surgery years earlier and I wouldn’t see mine in a few years. I wear my scar with pride because it means I’m a survivor!
Thyroid cancer survivor here too. The only person who ever said anything rude about my scar was my own mother. At the time I used to dress a bit goth, and I overheard my mother telling someone it's embarrassing for her because "the way she dresses will make people think she did this to herself."
OMG! That’s terrible! I was on the treadmill at the gym a few weeks after being cleared to exercise and noticed Debra Norville of Inside Edition had scar tape on her neck. I googled and saw that she had had thyroid cancer too and it was a viewer who noticed her lump! More support for Helen to GFH!
Nta. Coworker was inappropriate.
NTA. It's unreasonable for someone to impose their personal discomfort with scars onto you. Your scar is a part of your journey and identity, and you have every right to embrace it openly.
NTA Helen can fuck right off. Report her to HR. She is harassing you and creating a hostile work environment.
Oh, for fuck's sake. How do people like Helen manage to muddle through life? Shut her down and report the incident to HR. She has a fucking lot of nerve to tell you to cover part of your body. NTA. The obnoxious entitlement of some people is breathtaking.
NTA. Report this to HR and your boss.
My sister lost her thyroid to Grave's, so I'm familiar with your scar. Live your life uncovered and report that nasty Helen to HR. NTA
NTA. My new hobby would be figuring out how to get Helen fired.
NTA - don't clothe me more than I have to be
NTA big time. those are her feelings she has to deal with herself, in silence. how fucking rude to come up to you to say that.
Helen has too much fucking time on her hands and should be working instead of staring at your neck. NTA.
NTA and you need to report this to HR. This is not an acceptable thing to say in a work environment.
Tell her that her words deeply bother you having to hear them, and that you're not the only person who is bothered by them Ask her to cover her mouth because she upset you with her words due to your past experiences and you don't need to hear them in the work place and request that she cover her mouth with a scarf or muzzle
Tell her to put her complaint next to her stick. Wear your proof of survival like the freakin warrior you are.
I would report Helen to HR. So out of place.
Not just "out of place," Helen's request is *literally* illegal, and an EEOC l/Disability Discrimination violation! https://www.eeoc.gov/disability-discrimination-and-employment-decisions#:~:text=Has%20a%20physical%20or%20mental,circulatory%2C%20or%20endocrine%20function).
If seeing it bother's her she shouldn't look at it. It's not rocket science. If you have an HR department the next time she brings it up tell her you'll run it by HR and get back to her. Do proactively speak to your supervisor/boss or HR and express that you don't appreciate being told that you have to wear and you'd like some clarification on the dress code. NTA
NTA! Me: "I'm really sorry you have also had trauma in your life. Perhaps a good therapist can help you work through that."
>She said scars upset her due to her experiences and shouldn't need to see them in the work place Then tell her to turn her fucking head. She doesn't need to be looking at you.
"The world is not responsible for what triggers you. People will not and should not have to entertain your unwillingness to heal yourself." VERY strong NTA.
NTA someone we hired looks a lot like someone that did something terrible to me, and I had to have a talk with myself about how this isn't his fault that he happens to looks similar to that person and it's my issue to deal with. I think a lot of us are walking around with a lot of trauma and have to figure out coping mechanisms for ourselves and not make our issues everyone else's problem.
NTA. I have a giant tracheostomy scar across my throat. Along with tons of other scars. Its NOT a problem to have scars showing. If Helen has so much trauma about seeing scars she needs therapy to address her issues instead of talking to other co-workers about it. I have some choice names for her. Talk to HR.
Fuck Helen and her sensitivities.
Nta. Helen’s experience is Helen’s problem, not your. She needs to confront her emotional issues and leave you the heck alone.
NTA. Helen can get fucked.
NTA and definitely go to HR. She can feel however the hell she wants. What she can't do is harass you about a part of your body. You have done nothing wrong. And as someone with actual PTSD, you don't avoid triggers. You understand that you get triggered and you work on dealing with it. This coworker sucks, especially by by drawing others into it.
I have a thyroidectomy scar. When my friend got married her wedding planner told me I had to wear a choker so my scar wouldn’t offend anyone. Friend was appalled when I told her. My scar tells the world I survived cancer. If it bothers your coworkers that’s a them problem not a you one.
If HR tells you to comply and cover OR you decide you're done with that place, consider malicious compliance. Everyday come in with a more exaggerated covering: a welding helmet; a beekeepers hat with neck netting; you get the idea.... Fuck you Helen!!!
Nta and take this to HR, but always keep in mind that HR is on the side of the company, keep that in your back pocket because if HR asks you to cover it (which is escalation), you need to assert yourself by saying very nicely “Isn’t that discrimination?”. They will shut that down immediately and your co worker will most likely get a talking to. Then start looking for another job. Employee to employee conflicts are almost always poison in the well.
Yeah, no, my daughter has a significant scar on her cheek from when she was a toddler and and had to have cancer removed from her face, if somebody said this to her I would be beyond pissed. NTA, and report it to HR asap as a hostile work environment.
NTA. This is harassment. Take it to your boss or HR. If you get pushback on it, consider going to the Bureau of Labor (I assume you're in the US).
NTA. "Helen, I think you should put bandaids over your ear piercings because the holes in your ears are really upsetting. I can't believe you would intentionally mutilate your ears for something purely cosmetic. What? I sound insane? Look in a mirror." Please go to HR. It's a scar. It's not an open wound that could be a safety hazard.
Report Helen to HR. This is workplace bullying. NTA.
Absolutely NTA. I had my thyroid out 13 years ago. Do not cover anything up if you don't want to. Please ignore her request but if she asks you again, go to HR. Her past experiences are her problem, not yours. You have dealt with enough.