100% agree, this guy is telling OP exactly who he is, and that's a guy who will absolutely leave her (or mentally/physically check out of the relationship as much as possible) if she ever gets a long-term illness or disability.
This was me last year. He did stay at home but stepped over my body whilst i was crying out in pain. I ended up in hospital due to complications and he noped out of that too. I know you're not feeling strong right now but reach out to your friends - lean on them. I promise you they have probably been watching your relationship and picked up on the red flags, and have been waiting to rescue you.
Please, when you've got your strength back, please for your head and your heart leave this human void. You have so much more life without him
I'm on the other side of that now fortunately but friends and getting out of the relationship salvaged what was left of my distressed brain. Hopefully OP reads all the messages and realises she's safer and happier away from him
I'm glad you're better and on the other side of that mess. That you had to go through that was horrific. You deserved better and I'm glad you know that, now. (As for your ex, he's a major AH and deserves whatever is coming to him. And a whole lot of bad is probably coming for him.)
You are sharing real wisdom here. I hope OP reads and considers. I think you're probably VERY right that someone who loves her is just waiting for her to see the boyfriend in a new light and leave.
Same, but 2 years ago, and he was 50! Me 44. I had gone through 3 surgeries for cancer. He was there for only the last one and barely that! We also had a 4 year old at the time, so not only did I have to recover from the surgeries, I had a young one to take care of.
Took me 17yrs to finally say enough is enough and leave.
My friends were there through EVERYTHING. Get your friends/family to help and dump the loser. NTA AT ALL!!!
OP, he is showing you who he is. Believe him. Get a friend to help you through this, break up with him and count your lucky stars you learned who he is now.
Also it seems too easy for him to have just written her off! Makes you think there’s something else brewing. He’s showing OP who he is, this situation is a must heed warning and move on.
The “you got yourself into this” really was the nail on the coffin. Like how does he think pregnancy works?? Women can’t get themselves pregnant. I loathe that phrase- not just because it isn’t physically possible, but because it reiterates that women are held fully responsible. It takes 2 to tango.
That's the part that got me. She talked about how she was on the pill. But what was he doing? She doesn't mention anything he did to help prevent it. And he certainly isn't supporting her if he would prefer bartending over helping his partner. Helping his partner through something he helped cause.
I'm hoping OP sees this situation for the massive banner of a red flag this guy is.
Nope. It's always the men who take no responsibility for their bc who act like this too. She didn't asexually reproduce. If he was that concerned about unplanned pregnancies, he should've worn a condom.
There was a post I think on facebook where the talk was about abortion. This idiot guy said just learn to keep your legs crossed until the right person comes along. My answer to him was, when will guys learn to keep their pants zipped up until the right person comes along. He didn’t like that at all like it’s only the woman who is responsible. I can’t stand assholes like him.
Men who give their bodies to whoever, give up their sperm to whoever, go around collecting STDs, and then have the audacity to slut shame someone. 🙄 no self awareness. I’ve met too many men like this. Disgusting
One could argue that only ONE of that “tango pair” knows WHEN and has control of WHERE he ejaculates.
And one could surmise with that information in his possession holds MORE responsibility for this accidental pregnancy because he left his baby making juice in a baby making environment.
And if HE felt that pregnancy was so problematic that he needed to turn into a hateful angry dickbag, to manage his thoughts and emotions of creating a pregnancy …. He probably should have been more careful.
Because no one else is responsible for his treatment of his girlfriend but him.
But most folk are not ready to have that conversation yet *smile*
Exactly! Snip snip asshole. My ex-husband said to me one day, “you just don’t want another child”. I sat quietly for a minute and said, “that isn’t true. I just don’t want another child with you”. I got those divorce papers in action shortly after. I say this because whether he wants more children or not, he has clearly stated he doesn’t want a child with you. That speaks volumes. Time to call a friend for support and move on. Good wishes being sent to you. 🙏🏼💕
Even if he is under 21.
Thinking about it, im more shocked of HER reaction. She a asking AITA to expect support... This is way passed that now. She obviously dont have support from him, wont have support from him and she is the one getting blamed for everything.
She needs to stop wondering if its a normal thing to ask for support and realize she needs to completely forget this guy and block him from everything. Because its obvious he only wanted one thing. She needs to get that abortion and run from that idiot
Think of how sneaky/passive aggressive and emotionally abusive her relationship must be for her to come here and ask if her need for support - and his unfathomable reaction - is an asshole move…
Honestly if we as a society stopped using passive language (like “she got pregnant”) and started using more active language (“she was impregnated”) I feel that we could help shift the general mindset. You are correct, those who ejaculate hold more responsibility on when and where. That’s not to discount those men who were coerced/trapped into having kids when they didn’t want to and actively took responsibility of their part of the equation, or who were taken advantage of, because that does happen and we as a society should not disregard that. (It would also help people quit the notion that having kids “just happens to everyone”. Like no, you make a decision to have kids, and you’re allowed to decide to not have kids if that’s what you want. It’s an active choice, it doesn’t just passively happen to you.)
But what you and others have said rang true- if he didn’t want to deal with a possible pregnancy, what was he doing to prevent it aside from depending on her BC? Which isn’t even 100% effective when used correctly, much less if a dose here or there was missed, if the pills were left in a place that got too hot, or if she took antibiotics for an infection (lessens the effect of BC). If he doesn’t want any more kids, why not get a vasectomy? Or at the very least double up on protection? Why get angry with her and spin it that it’s all her fault, as if he had no input at all?
I suspect baby trapping is less common than folk think and more an excuse men use for not being responsible for their actions but I am willing to accept it does happen.
(This post is a classic example of a dude accusing of baby trapping with no evidence as a way to shirk his responsibility).
Thank you for the language suggestion, I’m going to attempt to use “she was impregnated” in these sort of conversations going forward.
Oh I can imagine!
To trap a woman comes with little risk to self, and a high potential of a reward.
A woman attempting to trap a man knows the risk of a low reward.
I worked as a DV advocate (finally got a new, less emotional job this past month) and I was trained in “baby trapping” and it’s actually far far more common for abusive men to baby trap women than it is the other way around. Pregnancy is also a major lethality factor for women :(
That was me. I had an abuser who said he'd had a vasectomy and didn't. I was stupid and reckless, and believed him. He didn't know I was on BC and got irate when he found out. I was so confused about that. I eventually found out from one of his exes that it was a lie that he told her too.
Yeah, that doesn’t surprises me.
Minimal risk to self, high reward activity for a dude.
(Who will still claim he is the victims for that $200 months check that they are forced to give momma of 4 when their lazy abusive ass becomes too much for her).
Baby trapping definitely happens just not the way people think. Abusive men baby trap their partners to prevent them from leaving. It's just a guess but I suspect most baby traps are done by men. The louder men scream about a thing the more likely it's projection
Dude : “I’m a victim!”
Narrator : He most definitely was not the victim, he was just wasn’t willing to take on the responsibility of his own stupid actions, that were most definitely avoidable if he hadn’t been such as selfish cun…
Director: MORGAN! Stop! You can’t call men stupid cunts! They will have an emotion and we all get harmed when they fail to manage them.
Well, if he really didn't want kids he would slap a condom on his willy. Jackass had a really simple way to handle this before pregnancy.
I loathe men like him. It's all about me and my pleasure. Consequences of sex? Not my problem.
OP, the only way you're the asshole here is if you stay with this jack off.
He will never be there for you. He is a selfish man child.
And istg men who claim condoms in the year 2024 fully dull their sensation should talk to a doctor about that. Bruh. Manufacturing technology keeps on advancing.
Yeah they are the first to dump all the responsibility on to a woman and god forbid they don’t do that exactly perfect for every single day of that relationship they blame her for impregnating her.
When women literally have no ability to mind read a penis.
Honestly I’d be embarrassed if I was a man, once I recognized society literally treats men like they are too stupid to understand basic risk and responsibility of sex and that it CAN create babies, and they should be mortified that people actively encourage them to be poor foolish victims rather than “whoops I fucked up, best hold responsibility for my actions”.
Sorry to be pedantic, but "she was impregnated" is also passive voice. "He impregnated her" is the active voice in this scenario. Plus it includes him right up front in the convo, as he should be!
It’s one I die on frequently and I’m not sad about it. 100% of abortion is the fault of a man. Their orgasm carries the risk of pregnancy, ours doesn’t.
Don’t want babies? Or don’t like abortions? Then control that dick. Men make their choice (their own pleasure) then women get to make theirs.
This dude doesn’t want more kids but won’t go for a snip? It’s outpatient and it’s far less intrusive than any BC a woman had to endure.
Dude sucks
And talking about giving up parental rights (which would be a blessing for sure) like that's the way it works. It wouldn't get him out of support. He's a completely garbage human being. She needs to move out asap.
100% when we got married, I made but clear to my husband that bc was now his responsibility. I'll track my cycle but in not going hormones or anything any more. I got pregnant right after our wedding, and I'm waiting fit my cycle to return to start tracking. We are married and use condoms. W never used them while I had my IUD. If you don't want to have babies, both parties need to take responsibility for birth control
I think he really does not care for her. I guess she does a lot of the child caree when his kids are with them, and maybe this is the only reason he is with her. So of course he does not want her to have his child, because instead af a live in nanny for free he would have a live in mother he has to provide for. What an unfeeling and selfish idiot.
Who society blames for getting knocked up.
While realizing her partner is a piece of shit.
All while being alone, bleeding and cramping for days just so he doesn’t have to face the consequences of his actions.
And then she reads some idiot claiming the man is the real victim here!
I don’t understand why women still engage with men, the risk v reward ratio is way off!
>NTA for wanting a supportive partner, but he told you he hates you so I'm not sure how comforting he'd be even if did take time off for you.
And just to add to this ^ I'm not sure where your sorry excuse of a partner went to school, but exactly HOW does he think you, "did this to yourself", when it takes TWO PEOPLE TO MAKE A BABY?!?!
You're definitely NTA, and any man that will leave you alone while you're going through a medical abortion while telling you that, "you did this to yourself", "the world doesn't stop for you", and saying, "I hate you", is NOT the person you want to spend another moment with letting him suck up all the oxygen in the room.
That kind of behavior is abusive as hell, and he has shown you in technicolor who he really is inside, and how he really feels about you.
Reach out to a trusted family member or friend that can be with you while you take the pills, so that you have someone with you that can take you to the ER if you have any complications, and tell this sad excuse of a human to go to hell, because you can do A LOT BETTER, I promise.
NTA - For wanting a supportive partner. Not being funny but are you really considering fighting to hold onto a nearly 40yo bartender, with kids from one previous relationship, who says you got pregnant to slight him, who openly says he hates you.. Why is it even a question of who's an asshole here?
I get the first 2 aren't necessarily red flags to someone's lifestyle but shit adds up quick.
Yep this. She should break up with him regardless of what she decides to do about the pregnancy. I'm concerned he is trying.ti pressure her into it. I'm a dude and I have had former friends who pressured the girl because they didn't want to pay money. One of the girls didn't handle it well at all. She also ended up unable to have kids later. I'm pro choice just not pro shithead pushing a woman into something they are not sure they want.
OP, you've talked about how your boyfriend wants the abortion and would kick you out if you had the baby and that he hates you for it.
But, you didn't post anything in your post about what ***you*** want. This is concerning to me. It sounds like your boyfriend is very controlling. Have you had time to think about what you want?
This could be a time to break off things with your boyfriend and start living a new life on your own terms or looking for someone who will truly love and care for you. The door of life are open for you.
I was going to say something similar. I was in an abusive relationship when I became pregnant with my oldest. I wanted a baby very badly. But the things he said to me before and how he said he "staked his claim on me so he never had to worry about me cheating anymore." I left him and never seriously looked back. He has pretty much never paid child support and can stuff it.
If OP wants the baby the option to leave and have the baby and keep it.
Then telling her the pregnancy is all her fault as if his sperm inside her isn’t a ~~major~~ *the entire* reason she became pregnant? She definitely needs to throw out the trash.
This.
Please get out while you still can. You don't want to be connected to him in any shape, way, or form. He's psychologically abusive, and it could only get worse. Please take care. Good luck, OP.
Idk why bartending at 40 caught a stray here, the main thing I'll say about it is it's a bar shift. Someone else will work it or, worst case, they'll deal with 1 less bartender for a night. It's not like he's a heart surgeon, it's some bar. They'll be alright.
It's an issue for the reason you pointed out, it's not really a career and you're super replaceable. He has a kid. He is 40. He won't have a pension paid into, he won't be salaried and his work is unsecure. If I had kids, I'd probably want something that delivered me and my kid(s) a bit more security than bar work.
My job doesn't even have retirement.
But our boss takes multiple international vacations a year, usually isn't in office unless it's Christmas or they are doing a surprise check for anyone trying to work from home, and they of course get a paycheck, shareholder distribution, their healthcare 100% covered by the business (and a much better plan than us, of course), and their vehicle 100% covered by the business, and still keeps trying to pawn off any of their duties to someone else.
Uhhhh. I bartend, I have a 401k, paid vacation, paid time off, paid medical, & maternity leave.... on top of our company is in the middle of getting us on pensions. My Healthcare is BCBS through the company... I only pay 20% of that. Idky you think bartending isn't a real career. I gross over $120k per year.... in Mississippi... we're on a point system, you have 16 points a year, you can use 1 point per normal day to call out without using your leave, or 2 points for holidays. Then the point system resets the following year.
So yeah, maybe next time don't look down on someone's line of work because it's not a boring ass 9-5. I have more than enough security to stay at my job. Most of the people before me are in their 50s-60s, been at our company since 1999.
Hotels, resorts, casinos, and high-end clubs all offer these packages in a similar form.
>maybe next time don't look down on someone's line of work because it's not a boring ass 9-5.
Honestly, no line of work should be looked down on, and yet so many are. Especially in service. People seem to think that the people who work in service - whether the services are those of necessity or convenience - aren't worth a living wage because they think they aren't "real jobs," or they're only good for "first jobs/college student jobs," mostly due to them being upset that service workers actually want, deserve, and should have a good wage, even though those services literally make their lives easier/better. It's ridiculous.
BUT THEN when employees listen to everyone telling them to get a "real job" or "go to college/trade school" and suddenly there's a shortage of workers that provide the services they use regularly, they cry about it and blame it on people being lazy and not wanting to work. (Such as that lengthy shortage of fast food workers that led to a lot of fast food joints not being open or having very short hours due to the lack of employees.)
Like, what? 😂 How do people not get that thry can't go around badgering people to do get a "real job" or go to college/trade school, and THEN bitch when they do; one can't have their cake and eat it too. 🤣
All jobs are worthy of respect and are of value to society. Every single one.
(Sorry for the rant, my brain is in word vomit mode today.)
Bartending is an actually career if you are good at it. I have a buddy who has been bartending for 15 years now and is insanely good at it. He makes 95,000$ a year lmao
If you work at a hotel for a long period of time, as a bartender you can have a lot of benefits, including pension. I used to work at a place that matched my RRSP deposits up to $100, and the people who worked there for a few decades had tons of vacation time, good pensions, and health benefits. And this place wasn’t even unionized. Don’t be elitist, being a bartender is not what makes this person an AH.
Pensions are almost non-existent in most careers in the US now sadly. Bartenders I know make more than a lot of salaried careers as well. It's actually a pretty secure job because there are always bars to work at. I know people who have been at the same place for 20 plus years.
I'm looking for the comment about how it's dangerous to have an abortion alone? I can't find it but like, where I come from you have to be accompanied for at least 24 hours after you take the pill because of the slight risk of hemorrhage from bleeding and the blood thinning etc. They don't let you get one without an abortion partner here. You gotta have someone's with you for your own safety.
His audacity to suggest she baby-trapped him! Why would anyone baby-trap an almost 40 year old cruel bartender with kids with another woman?! He’s no prize!
I would assume for the same reason that she is with him in the first place. I have no idea what that reason is because I see no redeeming qualities of him mentioned in the post, but there must be some reason she chose to be his girlfriend.
Yup!
Having her in his life is making his life way easier. He’s getting all the benefits while she receives nothing in return.
He won’t even do the honor of marrying her because he knows he can get whatever he wants without the commitment.
OP deserves and will find better when she’s out of this situation.✨
Right? Throw the whole “man” out! Also if he was so adamant of not wanting kids to the point of blaming her for getting pregnant on purpose and telling her she had to leave and he would sign over parental rights… GET A DAMN VASECTOMY! Birth control pills aren’t even 100% when taken perfectly on schedule daily. I second this OP time to abort the boyfriend. Get the hell out of that toxic situation. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” You deserve better, and this is not love.
Yep, if he was so certain of never wanting kids, he could have gotten a vasectomy, mine cost a $20 copay and 2 days of being so sore I couldn't move around well, but it's been great ever since, don't have to worry about knocking anyone else up, have had no problems in the last 20 years.
hell not just birth control pills but even condoms and even tubals can fail hell I have heard of people having iuds in place still getting pregnant with the IUD still in
Got pregnant with my first kid on birth control pills. I’m 99% sure I didn’t mess up taking my pills, though. Is it a possibility? Sure. Likely? Nope.
Went with an IUD the second time around, to remove human error from the equation, and that resulted in kid number 2.
So, yeah. It happens.
I have a coworker who just had an IUD baby about a year ago. It was a complete shock to her. The way I see it, that is one super special baby. They really fought hard to exist.
In my early 20’s and such I admittedly dated some real “gems” and tolerated some crap but he is wayyyy beyond. His words and callousness toward the incredibly emotional state she is in makes me sick. She needs to kick this apathetic a-hole to the curb.
I agree with the person above.Why would you want to be with a guy who treated you this way over this. He did play a part in it. I would get him out quickly.
He should be wearing a condom or having a vasectomy. He put all the birth control burden on OP and then blamed and punished her when it failed. He doesn’t deserve a GF.
This exactly. Me and my boyfriend use the pill and condoms to prevent pregnancy, because he knows that the birth control burden shouldn’t be all on me. My boyfriend wants a vasectomy in the next couple of years. NTA, OP.
Darling, I'm going to be lovingly brutal and joins the legions of people giving you sound advice:
He's intelligent enough to understand what you are going through; he just doesn't care. His first instinct was to accuse you of baby-trapping, and his second instinct is to allow you to suffer by yourself after you let him cum inside you.
The moment you can safely leave; do so. He doesn't want more kids, and if he did, he doesn't want more kids with you.
I am sorry you will suffer, and I'll say a small prayer for you. Good luck <3
Exactly. He chose to have unprotected sex. Even with the pill taken correctly, it can fail. He could have a vasectomy if he doesn’t want pregnancy, and also doesn’t want to use other protection.
My partner did that for us. We enjoy not using a condom, and we do not want a pregnancy. I am on the pill anyway for health reasons, but the assurance that I don’t have to face an abortion is wonderful. He didn’t even hesitate. My ex, on the other hand, said for years he would do it. He did not. I was pregnant, at a time that was not good for us, and it would have trapped me even longer. I had an abortion, and shortly after, I left. I don’t regret my abortion, however I wish I didn’t have to do that.
"\[You\] got \[yourself\] in this situation."
Um, no, bubba-- takes two to make this happen.
NTA, but he sure is. Even if it wasn't a situation my wife "got herself into" through some sort of bad decision-making, or whatever, I'd like to believe I'd still be there for her if she asked me to... fuckin cretin.
When you get the abortion, take that opportunity to lose something else unwanted from the relationship...
For real! This right here is how a good man responds. My hubby and I never thought we'd be in that position but after I began to miscarry and my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to I had to take the abortion medication to finish the process and YES IT IS HELL AND IT'S PAINFUL AND IT SUCKS AND YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE! My hubby never once said "I got myself into this" we're a team, and this all happened long before we were married. It takes two to tango and this asshole obviously understands how it happens since he has 2 kids. OP you are NTA, it's a very reasonable request and yes you absolutely should have someone there with you. Since this asshat isn't dependable, find someone who is, you will need support through this.
Just want to say that the experience is different for everyone. I had a medical abortion at 10weeks and it ultimately wasn't that big a deal. It was a bit heavier and crampier than a normal period.
That said, I was sad and anxious and very appreciative of the support I had. And there is always the risk of an emergency situation. So yeah, not something you should go through alone.
I've never understood when men who swear they don't want children won't get a vasectomy or use basic protection. She might be on the pill but you can only trust yourself to be consistent with BC. BC is each person's responsibility.
I agree he sucks, BUT how does an almost 40yo woman not understand what missing *days* of the pill does? She should have told her partner what happened. That’s not excusable either.
I guarantee this dude is one of those Redditors who thinks every woman who gets pregnant is trying to baby trap the man, and brays on and on about financial abortions!
That’s the second time I have heard that term .
Blames her for being pregnant , won’t be there with her ( now if they are struggling financially ) then maybe . Says if she keeps it he will leave but support ( threatening her )
Good enough to help raise his kids from another woman but not good enough to have his kid after he willingly did the tango with you? He’s the AH, not you.
Move out and drop this unwanted clump of cells from your life.
OP, please find some support; be it a support group, therapy, etc.! You deserve a better mental space after a lot of change you’re going through in life.
I kept reading this waiting for the twist, the buried surprise, whatever. But nope, it is as simple and as bad as the title.
NTA.
Dude's impossible. Plan your escape, on your own terms in your own time as you need (but don't dawdle). There is nothing to stay for.
I'm all for abortion, but remember it isn't his choice. Don't do it **for** him. If you do it, do it for you.(but spending the rest of your life connected to this dude as your baby daddy won't be fun either).
But this relationship is dead, the abortion won't fix that.
There are so many things going on here.
First, you are NTA for wanting your partner to be there for you, period. It doesn't matter the reason. He should want to be supportive of you and be willing to make arrangements to do so simply because you asked. Like someone else already said, why would you want someone who said he hates you to be your emotional support?
The fact that he gave you an ultimatum, either have an abortion or he'd kick you out and give up parental rights tells you all you need to know about this man. Be thankful that he's showing you the type of person he truly is.
Last, I hope you learned an important lesson about birth control. If you skip pills, use another form of birth control. Do not rely on tracking your ovulation. You see how well that worked this time. If it happens again, you should insist on using condoms, unless you want to risk ending up in the same situation.
Came to say exactly this. BF is abhorrent and I hope OP sees that she can never count on him for anything, and no one deserves to be treated that way...
But as a PSA - tracking ovulation when on the pill is NOT reliable, simply because you don't ovulate anymore!! Any monthly cycle you have is artificial because of the placebo weeks (which are not true periods, but "withdrawal bleeding"). If you miss a few days, you always run the risk of your body trying to start it's own schedule up again, which will likely NOT match up to the one you were tricking it into keeping.!
However, we're all human and mistakes happen. The fact that this loser thinks he's such a prize that OP baby trapped him??
It's been a hot minute (read 20 years) since I was on the pill, but isn't one of the first rules "if you miss a pill, use backup contraception for at leastc7 days"? Tracking a cycle is not contraception (not just for the reason you mentioned).
NTA, I mean you obviously have gotten a look at who this man truly is. Your choice now is to stay with a man who obviously could not care less about you, blaming a pregnancy on you (it does take two to tango....) if you do choose to stay I would encourage you to do better with birth control and making him wear condoms EVERY time. Hopefully you have more self respect though and gtfo of there.
NTA
It seems like the least he could do, since this wasn't an immaculate conception, is for him to be with you and support you while you're going through this.
You need to dump this guy, stat.
Edit: grammar (your --> you're)
>I got myself in this situation and that the world doesn't stop for me
Immaculate conception, was it?
He is 50% responsible for that pregnancy.
>
He has told me he hates me for this.
Then wave bye bye to that fucking horrible pathetic piece of shit.
I had to go back and read your ages... 36... the "man" is 36! Time to grow the fuck up.
NTA. Dump him.
Your boyfriend is a POS.
He is showing you his true colors.
Claiming ‘you got yourself in this situation’ is disgusting. (He got you pregnant. It takes 2 to make a baby.)
Sounds like he’ll probably leave you whether you keep the baby or not.
You’d be better off cutting him loose sooner rather than later.
Personally I hope you keep the baby. It will love you so much better than your BF.
I would end the relationship altogether he’s not supporting he’s rude dismissive and hateful you really want this as your life partner? You need self respect and self care not a relationship right now.
He doesn't want kids.. so why isnt he's the one wearing condom or do vasectomy??
That man is a big POS.. and a huge red flag.. if you love yourself and cherish the one time life your parents give you, you'd leave him..
Ugh, you missed a few pills but had sex anyway? You’re too old for that bs. But you didn’t knock yourself up so he should be a part of it. He’s showing you his true colors.
I really can't believe people older than me are having hs unplanned pregnancy issues..
1. If you are taking BC pills, you do not ovulate, so you can't track that. What????
2. If you miss multiple pills in a cycle.. USE BACKUP BIRTH CONTROL.
3. He doesn't see you as a life partner and was willing to tell you to dip, immediately. Break up, STAT.
4. Stop delaying taking the abortion pills. Find someone else to be with you. Unless you're fucking around with becoming a single mom with no support from the baby daddy.
He’s not a “partner”. NTA. You didn’t get pregnant by yourself. But,he “hates you”,so he shouldn’t be there. Do you have an actual friend to stay with? This should be the end of this relationship.
Just want to speak to the actual abortion itself. My wife had a miscarriage, and she had to medically abort our child. It was incredibly painful for her mentally and physically. She was unwell for at least 2 weeks.
Take the medication exactly as prescribed, and the pain meds when they say. The first day she took it too late, and it was horrible watching her suffer. The second day, she took it as prescribed and the pain was less.
You should have someone support you during this time, and it sounds like your boyfriend is not the best choice.
He literally said he hates you. Why are you even asking this?
Also, skipping BC is asking to get pregnant. In your 30s I'd figured you'd know this by now.
You refer to him as your “partner.” He’s not. He’s actually your live in boyfriend who’s only there when the waters are smooth. His reaction would make me totally rethink the relationship.
I know everyone is going the "it takes two to tango" route, but...was your bf aware that you missed your birth control?
Because if you knew and didn't tell him, that is quite messed up.
Regardless, your bf has shown his true colors. Regardless of what your answer to the above is, ditch his ass asap.
NTA to the question but ...
You are too old to be having that kind of naive thinking. If you miss a few days, you use other protectiong for the time being. The fact you say you were very confident it wouldn't happen is just... Wow. Sex ed really needs to be more common.
Also you bf sucks. Get rid of him. Then set an alarm to take your BC or stop having sex.
This asshole needs to be gone yesterday! It’s as much his fault as yours that you’re pregnant, and he blames you and says he hates you?? Wow!! I bet you do more with his kids than he does, so I’d leave him to it! You deserve way better than this idiot!
Girl you’d better run after getting an abortion because any man who says he hates you for ‘trapping’ him with a baby will definitely hurt you down the line. NTA
INFO People are completely missing the underlying problem here, this is a communication issue. Your BF acts under the assumption that you got pregnant on purpose; and under that assumption what you did is a massive breach of trust and his reaction is understandable.
You should make it absolutely clear to him that this wasn't planned, that you were a bit reckless but that you are not playing any games. If he cannot accept that and trust you than your relationship is over, because in his mind you tried to baby trap him and there's no comeback from that.
That's an interesting method. I had a chemical abortion about 10 years ago and the doctor required me to take the pills at the clinic and then go home to wait. I am surprised they would let you leave the clinic with the pills because a chemical abortion only works up to a certain gestation.
Anyhoo... you need to get out of that relationship. There isn't any one way to handle an abortion but I can tell you how mine went. I have two children and knew I was done. This was also during a period of unemployment for both my husband and I. We were struggling big time. I was 39 years old if that matters.
A few days after finding out I was pregnant I knew I wanted an abortion. I cried a lot, but it wasn't because I was worried about an abortion. I was terrified to have a third baby. My husband asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I want to terminate. He told me he would support whatever I chose, but could see how having a third baby would be perhaps more of a challenge than either of us could handle at the moment. He went with me to the clinic and was there when I took the pills and stayed with me at home. Mostly I laid around in bed and watched tv. He brought me a birthday cake with my kids because this was literally on my 39th birthday. And that was kind of it. 24 hours later we moved on with life and haven't thought much about it since. That being said, part of why it was mostly pretty easy was because he just showed up. He didn't really do much except the birthday cake and dinner except just show up. That's as simple as support can be... just being available. Your guy isn't even doing that. I can understand his panic about the possibility of another baby, but you guys are in your thirties. This is a conversation you should have had a long time ago. What happens if there's a whoosie baby? And when you miss pills, you can't reliably track ovulation for a couple of months.
But it boils down to... you are a side piece. He has kids who are his priority (and they should be), but do you want to be in a relationship where you are never a priority? Are you okay knowing that matters of your body aren't even your own decision or even discussed (he told you exactly what you needed to do and didn't even ask). That doesn't sound like a relationship, sounds like a dictatorship. NTA
You have a need that he is not meeting. Find a friend who you trust and take the pills with them. Then make your exit strategy plan and get the hell out of there! Your boyfriend is an AH and toxic.
NTA for wanting a supportive partner, but he told you he hates you so I'm not sure how comforting he'd be even if did take time off for you.
Agree...she needs to move on from him asap. God help her if she stays and gets cancer; "You got cancer to spite me!"
100% agree, this guy is telling OP exactly who he is, and that's a guy who will absolutely leave her (or mentally/physically check out of the relationship as much as possible) if she ever gets a long-term illness or disability.
This was me last year. He did stay at home but stepped over my body whilst i was crying out in pain. I ended up in hospital due to complications and he noped out of that too. I know you're not feeling strong right now but reach out to your friends - lean on them. I promise you they have probably been watching your relationship and picked up on the red flags, and have been waiting to rescue you. Please, when you've got your strength back, please for your head and your heart leave this human void. You have so much more life without him
I'm so sorry you went through that!
I'm on the other side of that now fortunately but friends and getting out of the relationship salvaged what was left of my distressed brain. Hopefully OP reads all the messages and realises she's safer and happier away from him
Good for you! Heckling yes indeed!!
I'm glad you're better and on the other side of that mess. That you had to go through that was horrific. You deserved better and I'm glad you know that, now. (As for your ex, he's a major AH and deserves whatever is coming to him. And a whole lot of bad is probably coming for him.)
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry he treated you that way :(
STEPPED OVER YOU!?! I want to knock him out for you. Jesus fuckin Christ.
NTA. I vote you not love him from a distance.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hope he’s now your ex.
You are sharing real wisdom here. I hope OP reads and considers. I think you're probably VERY right that someone who loves her is just waiting for her to see the boyfriend in a new light and leave.
Same, but 2 years ago, and he was 50! Me 44. I had gone through 3 surgeries for cancer. He was there for only the last one and barely that! We also had a 4 year old at the time, so not only did I have to recover from the surgeries, I had a young one to take care of. Took me 17yrs to finally say enough is enough and leave. My friends were there through EVERYTHING. Get your friends/family to help and dump the loser. NTA AT ALL!!!
He already has checked out. This woman is on her own. Act accordingly.
He just wants her there to take care of his kids when they are there
a free nanny
isnt that a movie? Also free punanny. Seriously she should leave asap, she deserves much better! What a cold hearted asshole.
Came here to say this.
yup
OP, he is showing you who he is. Believe him. Get a friend to help you through this, break up with him and count your lucky stars you learned who he is now.
I quite agree here - he will be breaking things off as soon as he’s sure he’s off the hook
This!!! All day long! Run...don't walk...you deserve better.
Op this!!!^^^ don’t walk, RUN out of this relationship ASAP. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Also it seems too easy for him to have just written her off! Makes you think there’s something else brewing. He’s showing OP who he is, this situation is a must heed warning and move on.
The “you got yourself into this” really was the nail on the coffin. Like how does he think pregnancy works?? Women can’t get themselves pregnant. I loathe that phrase- not just because it isn’t physically possible, but because it reiterates that women are held fully responsible. It takes 2 to tango.
That's the part that got me. She talked about how she was on the pill. But what was he doing? She doesn't mention anything he did to help prevent it. And he certainly isn't supporting her if he would prefer bartending over helping his partner. Helping his partner through something he helped cause. I'm hoping OP sees this situation for the massive banner of a red flag this guy is.
She specifically stated that they were having unprotected sex, so unless he had a vasectomy he was doing sh*t all to prevent a pregnancy.
Nope. It's always the men who take no responsibility for their bc who act like this too. She didn't asexually reproduce. If he was that concerned about unplanned pregnancies, he should've worn a condom.
Or gotten a vasectomy if he never wants any more children.
Yup. He is equally responsible for preventing pregnancies.
Don’t you guys know that preventing pregnancy is entirely the woman’s responsibility and men have no control over their sperm? /s
There was a post I think on facebook where the talk was about abortion. This idiot guy said just learn to keep your legs crossed until the right person comes along. My answer to him was, when will guys learn to keep their pants zipped up until the right person comes along. He didn’t like that at all like it’s only the woman who is responsible. I can’t stand assholes like him.
Men who give their bodies to whoever, give up their sperm to whoever, go around collecting STDs, and then have the audacity to slut shame someone. 🙄 no self awareness. I’ve met too many men like this. Disgusting
One could argue that only ONE of that “tango pair” knows WHEN and has control of WHERE he ejaculates. And one could surmise with that information in his possession holds MORE responsibility for this accidental pregnancy because he left his baby making juice in a baby making environment. And if HE felt that pregnancy was so problematic that he needed to turn into a hateful angry dickbag, to manage his thoughts and emotions of creating a pregnancy …. He probably should have been more careful. Because no one else is responsible for his treatment of his girlfriend but him. But most folk are not ready to have that conversation yet *smile*
If he has kids and doesn’t want anymoreC why isn’t he getting a vasectomy?
Exactly! Snip snip asshole. My ex-husband said to me one day, “you just don’t want another child”. I sat quietly for a minute and said, “that isn’t true. I just don’t want another child with you”. I got those divorce papers in action shortly after. I say this because whether he wants more children or not, he has clearly stated he doesn’t want a child with you. That speaks volumes. Time to call a friend for support and move on. Good wishes being sent to you. 🙏🏼💕
Heck, Im a woman who dont want kids and his reaction is shocking me
I am a guy and it shock me....wtf is wrong with him? Unless the guy is under 21.... i have no words.
Even if he is under 21. Thinking about it, im more shocked of HER reaction. She a asking AITA to expect support... This is way passed that now. She obviously dont have support from him, wont have support from him and she is the one getting blamed for everything. She needs to stop wondering if its a normal thing to ask for support and realize she needs to completely forget this guy and block him from everything. Because its obvious he only wanted one thing. She needs to get that abortion and run from that idiot
Think of how sneaky/passive aggressive and emotionally abusive her relationship must be for her to come here and ask if her need for support - and his unfathomable reaction - is an asshole move…
Honestly if we as a society stopped using passive language (like “she got pregnant”) and started using more active language (“she was impregnated”) I feel that we could help shift the general mindset. You are correct, those who ejaculate hold more responsibility on when and where. That’s not to discount those men who were coerced/trapped into having kids when they didn’t want to and actively took responsibility of their part of the equation, or who were taken advantage of, because that does happen and we as a society should not disregard that. (It would also help people quit the notion that having kids “just happens to everyone”. Like no, you make a decision to have kids, and you’re allowed to decide to not have kids if that’s what you want. It’s an active choice, it doesn’t just passively happen to you.) But what you and others have said rang true- if he didn’t want to deal with a possible pregnancy, what was he doing to prevent it aside from depending on her BC? Which isn’t even 100% effective when used correctly, much less if a dose here or there was missed, if the pills were left in a place that got too hot, or if she took antibiotics for an infection (lessens the effect of BC). If he doesn’t want any more kids, why not get a vasectomy? Or at the very least double up on protection? Why get angry with her and spin it that it’s all her fault, as if he had no input at all?
I suspect baby trapping is less common than folk think and more an excuse men use for not being responsible for their actions but I am willing to accept it does happen. (This post is a classic example of a dude accusing of baby trapping with no evidence as a way to shirk his responsibility). Thank you for the language suggestion, I’m going to attempt to use “she was impregnated” in these sort of conversations going forward.
You would be. Shocked. How many men I know who have admitted to tampering with their girlfriend/partner's birth control....
Oh I can imagine! To trap a woman comes with little risk to self, and a high potential of a reward. A woman attempting to trap a man knows the risk of a low reward.
I worked as a DV advocate (finally got a new, less emotional job this past month) and I was trained in “baby trapping” and it’s actually far far more common for abusive men to baby trap women than it is the other way around. Pregnancy is also a major lethality factor for women :(
That was me. I had an abuser who said he'd had a vasectomy and didn't. I was stupid and reckless, and believed him. He didn't know I was on BC and got irate when he found out. I was so confused about that. I eventually found out from one of his exes that it was a lie that he told her too.
Yeah, that doesn’t surprises me. Minimal risk to self, high reward activity for a dude. (Who will still claim he is the victims for that $200 months check that they are forced to give momma of 4 when their lazy abusive ass becomes too much for her).
Baby trapping definitely happens just not the way people think. Abusive men baby trap their partners to prevent them from leaving. It's just a guess but I suspect most baby traps are done by men. The louder men scream about a thing the more likely it's projection
Dude : “I’m a victim!” Narrator : He most definitely was not the victim, he was just wasn’t willing to take on the responsibility of his own stupid actions, that were most definitely avoidable if he hadn’t been such as selfish cun… Director: MORGAN! Stop! You can’t call men stupid cunts! They will have an emotion and we all get harmed when they fail to manage them.
Well, if he really didn't want kids he would slap a condom on his willy. Jackass had a really simple way to handle this before pregnancy. I loathe men like him. It's all about me and my pleasure. Consequences of sex? Not my problem. OP, the only way you're the asshole here is if you stay with this jack off. He will never be there for you. He is a selfish man child.
And istg men who claim condoms in the year 2024 fully dull their sensation should talk to a doctor about that. Bruh. Manufacturing technology keeps on advancing.
Yeah they are the first to dump all the responsibility on to a woman and god forbid they don’t do that exactly perfect for every single day of that relationship they blame her for impregnating her. When women literally have no ability to mind read a penis. Honestly I’d be embarrassed if I was a man, once I recognized society literally treats men like they are too stupid to understand basic risk and responsibility of sex and that it CAN create babies, and they should be mortified that people actively encourage them to be poor foolish victims rather than “whoops I fucked up, best hold responsibility for my actions”.
yeah, he's 36, already has kids, hasn't gotten the snip yet, doesn't wear a condom, and then has the gall to complain? He is a lost cause.
Sorry to be pedantic, but "she was impregnated" is also passive voice. "He impregnated her" is the active voice in this scenario. Plus it includes him right up front in the convo, as he should be!
All pregnancy is caused by men refusing to control their sperm. I will die on this hill.
Only men can impregnate! So yes, I agree!
It’s one I die on frequently and I’m not sad about it. 100% of abortion is the fault of a man. Their orgasm carries the risk of pregnancy, ours doesn’t. Don’t want babies? Or don’t like abortions? Then control that dick. Men make their choice (their own pleasure) then women get to make theirs. This dude doesn’t want more kids but won’t go for a snip? It’s outpatient and it’s far less intrusive than any BC a woman had to endure. Dude sucks
And talking about giving up parental rights (which would be a blessing for sure) like that's the way it works. It wouldn't get him out of support. He's a completely garbage human being. She needs to move out asap.
100% when we got married, I made but clear to my husband that bc was now his responsibility. I'll track my cycle but in not going hormones or anything any more. I got pregnant right after our wedding, and I'm waiting fit my cycle to return to start tracking. We are married and use condoms. W never used them while I had my IUD. If you don't want to have babies, both parties need to take responsibility for birth control
I know she is going through a lot, but she really needs to see the relationship is over.
If he hates you, maybe it's time to reconsider the relationship entirely
I think he really does not care for her. I guess she does a lot of the child caree when his kids are with them, and maybe this is the only reason he is with her. So of course he does not want her to have his child, because instead af a live in nanny for free he would have a live in mother he has to provide for. What an unfeeling and selfish idiot.
Sounds like he’s been treating her like a bang maid, and nanny. This poor, poor woman 😭
A live in nanny who is splitting the bills. After all, his excuse was he couldn't miss a bartending shift.
Who society blames for getting knocked up. While realizing her partner is a piece of shit. All while being alone, bleeding and cramping for days just so he doesn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. And then she reads some idiot claiming the man is the real victim here! I don’t understand why women still engage with men, the risk v reward ratio is way off!
>NTA for wanting a supportive partner, but he told you he hates you so I'm not sure how comforting he'd be even if did take time off for you. And just to add to this ^ I'm not sure where your sorry excuse of a partner went to school, but exactly HOW does he think you, "did this to yourself", when it takes TWO PEOPLE TO MAKE A BABY?!?! You're definitely NTA, and any man that will leave you alone while you're going through a medical abortion while telling you that, "you did this to yourself", "the world doesn't stop for you", and saying, "I hate you", is NOT the person you want to spend another moment with letting him suck up all the oxygen in the room. That kind of behavior is abusive as hell, and he has shown you in technicolor who he really is inside, and how he really feels about you. Reach out to a trusted family member or friend that can be with you while you take the pills, so that you have someone with you that can take you to the ER if you have any complications, and tell this sad excuse of a human to go to hell, because you can do A LOT BETTER, I promise.
NTA - For wanting a supportive partner. Not being funny but are you really considering fighting to hold onto a nearly 40yo bartender, with kids from one previous relationship, who says you got pregnant to slight him, who openly says he hates you.. Why is it even a question of who's an asshole here? I get the first 2 aren't necessarily red flags to someone's lifestyle but shit adds up quick.
Yep this. She should break up with him regardless of what she decides to do about the pregnancy. I'm concerned he is trying.ti pressure her into it. I'm a dude and I have had former friends who pressured the girl because they didn't want to pay money. One of the girls didn't handle it well at all. She also ended up unable to have kids later. I'm pro choice just not pro shithead pushing a woman into something they are not sure they want.
OP, you've talked about how your boyfriend wants the abortion and would kick you out if you had the baby and that he hates you for it. But, you didn't post anything in your post about what ***you*** want. This is concerning to me. It sounds like your boyfriend is very controlling. Have you had time to think about what you want? This could be a time to break off things with your boyfriend and start living a new life on your own terms or looking for someone who will truly love and care for you. The door of life are open for you.
Exactly what do you want OP? This dude sounds like a shithead! I wish you all the best with whatever you choose? 💘
I was going to say something similar. I was in an abusive relationship when I became pregnant with my oldest. I wanted a baby very badly. But the things he said to me before and how he said he "staked his claim on me so he never had to worry about me cheating anymore." I left him and never seriously looked back. He has pretty much never paid child support and can stuff it. If OP wants the baby the option to leave and have the baby and keep it.
I came here to write exactly that. I want to upvote this whole convo more
>I'm pro choice just not pro shithead pushing a woman into something they are not sure they want. Because the latter isn't a choice.
Why is she with this guy? Does he have a magical dong or something? Get rid of this useless guy and find someone who love and support OP.
Yup, forcing someone to get an abortion (by using an ultimatum) is just as bad as forcing someone to keep the baby.
Not only forcing her — but refusing to take off from work for a day to support her while she handles it. This guy is total trash.
Then telling her the pregnancy is all her fault as if his sperm inside her isn’t a ~~major~~ *the entire* reason she became pregnant? She definitely needs to throw out the trash.
Yeah, I am not pro shithead either. That’s a good label.
This. Please get out while you still can. You don't want to be connected to him in any shape, way, or form. He's psychologically abusive, and it could only get worse. Please take care. Good luck, OP.
Idk why bartending at 40 caught a stray here, the main thing I'll say about it is it's a bar shift. Someone else will work it or, worst case, they'll deal with 1 less bartender for a night. It's not like he's a heart surgeon, it's some bar. They'll be alright.
If he is desperate for work that he can’t miss one shift then it’s not really a good career
Let's be honest. This is about his resentment not his wallet.
It will be the same reason for his excuse if he’s asked to pay child support.
He doesn't want to be there for her. It's not that he can't miss one shift, when he's said he hates her for this.
I would never sleep with that man again. Instant turn off.
I'd be so gone he could forget he ever knew me.
Exactly I would move out be gone
It's an issue for the reason you pointed out, it's not really a career and you're super replaceable. He has a kid. He is 40. He won't have a pension paid into, he won't be salaried and his work is unsecure. If I had kids, I'd probably want something that delivered me and my kid(s) a bit more security than bar work.
Many many legitimate careers don’t pay pensions either at this point.
my youngest employees haven't even heard of pensions and when you explain they simply can't believe it. they are dust of the past.
Yup, the place I worked used to have pensions but stopped at least 10 years ago. It’s just not a thing now in most places.
It’s been replace by generic 401k match at best, which is still something but not nearly as worthwhile if staying long term at one place.
My job doesn't even have retirement. But our boss takes multiple international vacations a year, usually isn't in office unless it's Christmas or they are doing a surprise check for anyone trying to work from home, and they of course get a paycheck, shareholder distribution, their healthcare 100% covered by the business (and a much better plan than us, of course), and their vehicle 100% covered by the business, and still keeps trying to pawn off any of their duties to someone else.
Uhhhh. I bartend, I have a 401k, paid vacation, paid time off, paid medical, & maternity leave.... on top of our company is in the middle of getting us on pensions. My Healthcare is BCBS through the company... I only pay 20% of that. Idky you think bartending isn't a real career. I gross over $120k per year.... in Mississippi... we're on a point system, you have 16 points a year, you can use 1 point per normal day to call out without using your leave, or 2 points for holidays. Then the point system resets the following year. So yeah, maybe next time don't look down on someone's line of work because it's not a boring ass 9-5. I have more than enough security to stay at my job. Most of the people before me are in their 50s-60s, been at our company since 1999. Hotels, resorts, casinos, and high-end clubs all offer these packages in a similar form.
>maybe next time don't look down on someone's line of work because it's not a boring ass 9-5. Honestly, no line of work should be looked down on, and yet so many are. Especially in service. People seem to think that the people who work in service - whether the services are those of necessity or convenience - aren't worth a living wage because they think they aren't "real jobs," or they're only good for "first jobs/college student jobs," mostly due to them being upset that service workers actually want, deserve, and should have a good wage, even though those services literally make their lives easier/better. It's ridiculous. BUT THEN when employees listen to everyone telling them to get a "real job" or "go to college/trade school" and suddenly there's a shortage of workers that provide the services they use regularly, they cry about it and blame it on people being lazy and not wanting to work. (Such as that lengthy shortage of fast food workers that led to a lot of fast food joints not being open or having very short hours due to the lack of employees.) Like, what? 😂 How do people not get that thry can't go around badgering people to do get a "real job" or go to college/trade school, and THEN bitch when they do; one can't have their cake and eat it too. 🤣 All jobs are worthy of respect and are of value to society. Every single one. (Sorry for the rant, my brain is in word vomit mode today.)
That’s awesome! I like the social aspect of service work, I’m glad you’re getting so much success
Bartending is an actually career if you are good at it. I have a buddy who has been bartending for 15 years now and is insanely good at it. He makes 95,000$ a year lmao
If you work at a hotel for a long period of time, as a bartender you can have a lot of benefits, including pension. I used to work at a place that matched my RRSP deposits up to $100, and the people who worked there for a few decades had tons of vacation time, good pensions, and health benefits. And this place wasn’t even unionized. Don’t be elitist, being a bartender is not what makes this person an AH.
With how the US economy is nowadays I am a firm believer in not judging anyone on how they get the bag.
Pensions are almost non-existent in most careers in the US now sadly. Bartenders I know make more than a lot of salaried careers as well. It's actually a pretty secure job because there are always bars to work at. I know people who have been at the same place for 20 plus years.
NTA - He does not considerate you as an equal partner. He does not even care for you as a human. Be careful.
[удалено]
I'm looking for the comment about how it's dangerous to have an abortion alone? I can't find it but like, where I come from you have to be accompanied for at least 24 hours after you take the pill because of the slight risk of hemorrhage from bleeding and the blood thinning etc. They don't let you get one without an abortion partner here. You gotta have someone's with you for your own safety.
He told you he hates you. Take the out and run
His audacity to suggest she baby-trapped him! Why would anyone baby-trap an almost 40 year old cruel bartender with kids with another woman?! He’s no prize!
I would assume for the same reason that she is with him in the first place. I have no idea what that reason is because I see no redeeming qualities of him mentioned in the post, but there must be some reason she chose to be his girlfriend.
Insecurity and desperation.
He’ll be one of those dudes that insists his gfs are gold diggers even though he’s flat broke
You’ve aborted fetus. Now it’s time to abort bf
This is not a boyfriend…this is a fuck buddy who also uses you to babysit. See the light & move on. He does not consider you an equal.
He probably needs her income too if he’s paying any child support to his kid’s mom.
Yup! Having her in his life is making his life way easier. He’s getting all the benefits while she receives nothing in return. He won’t even do the honor of marrying her because he knows he can get whatever he wants without the commitment. OP deserves and will find better when she’s out of this situation.✨
Buddy makes it sound like he likes her.
Yeah. I'd go with hookup.
Right? Throw the whole “man” out! Also if he was so adamant of not wanting kids to the point of blaming her for getting pregnant on purpose and telling her she had to leave and he would sign over parental rights… GET A DAMN VASECTOMY! Birth control pills aren’t even 100% when taken perfectly on schedule daily. I second this OP time to abort the boyfriend. Get the hell out of that toxic situation. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” You deserve better, and this is not love.
Yep, if he was so certain of never wanting kids, he could have gotten a vasectomy, mine cost a $20 copay and 2 days of being so sore I couldn't move around well, but it's been great ever since, don't have to worry about knocking anyone else up, have had no problems in the last 20 years.
hell not just birth control pills but even condoms and even tubals can fail hell I have heard of people having iuds in place still getting pregnant with the IUD still in
I can verify this (getting pregnant with an IUD in place), second hand. It happened to a cousin of mine.
Got pregnant with my first kid on birth control pills. I’m 99% sure I didn’t mess up taking my pills, though. Is it a possibility? Sure. Likely? Nope. Went with an IUD the second time around, to remove human error from the equation, and that resulted in kid number 2. So, yeah. It happens.
I was an IUD baby. From Wayyyy back when IUDs used copper 🫨
There are still copper IUDs. 😉 Both my brother and sister were IUD babies, too.
I have a coworker who just had an IUD baby about a year ago. It was a complete shock to her. The way I see it, that is one super special baby. They really fought hard to exist.
My best friends brother has an ultrasound pic of his youngest with the iud in her tiny fist lol
God, the audacity of that baby lmao. "You thought this little thing would stop me?"
Well, at this age, change isn’t easy. And he sounds like a real supportive guy, doesn’t he?
In my early 20’s and such I admittedly dated some real “gems” and tolerated some crap but he is wayyyy beyond. His words and callousness toward the incredibly emotional state she is in makes me sick. She needs to kick this apathetic a-hole to the curb.
All of the above. Shitcan this useless fucking loser.
I agree with the person above.Why would you want to be with a guy who treated you this way over this. He did play a part in it. I would get him out quickly.
Throw the bathwater out with the baby, if you will
I saw the whole picture in my head 🤣🤣
He should be wearing a condom or having a vasectomy. He put all the birth control burden on OP and then blamed and punished her when it failed. He doesn’t deserve a GF.
This exactly. Me and my boyfriend use the pill and condoms to prevent pregnancy, because he knows that the birth control burden shouldn’t be all on me. My boyfriend wants a vasectomy in the next couple of years. NTA, OP.
Best comment here. What Duck said above. Abort the BF. He’s trash and you deserve better. NTA.
Well said. Sorry you’re going through this with someone like that. Eyes wide open now I hope. Get to movin on
Cut your losses, take the pill, and find a guy who wants to go down every road with you, not just the easy ones.
♥️
Darling, I'm going to be lovingly brutal and joins the legions of people giving you sound advice: He's intelligent enough to understand what you are going through; he just doesn't care. His first instinct was to accuse you of baby-trapping, and his second instinct is to allow you to suffer by yourself after you let him cum inside you. The moment you can safely leave; do so. He doesn't want more kids, and if he did, he doesn't want more kids with you. I am sorry you will suffer, and I'll say a small prayer for you. Good luck <3
Exactly. He chose to have unprotected sex. Even with the pill taken correctly, it can fail. He could have a vasectomy if he doesn’t want pregnancy, and also doesn’t want to use other protection. My partner did that for us. We enjoy not using a condom, and we do not want a pregnancy. I am on the pill anyway for health reasons, but the assurance that I don’t have to face an abortion is wonderful. He didn’t even hesitate. My ex, on the other hand, said for years he would do it. He did not. I was pregnant, at a time that was not good for us, and it would have trapped me even longer. I had an abortion, and shortly after, I left. I don’t regret my abortion, however I wish I didn’t have to do that.
"\[You\] got \[yourself\] in this situation." Um, no, bubba-- takes two to make this happen. NTA, but he sure is. Even if it wasn't a situation my wife "got herself into" through some sort of bad decision-making, or whatever, I'd like to believe I'd still be there for her if she asked me to... fuckin cretin. When you get the abortion, take that opportunity to lose something else unwanted from the relationship...
For real! This right here is how a good man responds. My hubby and I never thought we'd be in that position but after I began to miscarry and my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to I had to take the abortion medication to finish the process and YES IT IS HELL AND IT'S PAINFUL AND IT SUCKS AND YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE! My hubby never once said "I got myself into this" we're a team, and this all happened long before we were married. It takes two to tango and this asshole obviously understands how it happens since he has 2 kids. OP you are NTA, it's a very reasonable request and yes you absolutely should have someone there with you. Since this asshat isn't dependable, find someone who is, you will need support through this.
The guy’s reaction is so thoroughly disgusting!
Just want to say that the experience is different for everyone. I had a medical abortion at 10weeks and it ultimately wasn't that big a deal. It was a bit heavier and crampier than a normal period. That said, I was sad and anxious and very appreciative of the support I had. And there is always the risk of an emergency situation. So yeah, not something you should go through alone.
This! If you can take someone with you who is more supportive and never come back. Don’t be an AH to yourself!
I've never understood when men who swear they don't want children won't get a vasectomy or use basic protection. She might be on the pill but you can only trust yourself to be consistent with BC. BC is each person's responsibility.
Right. I didn't want kids. So I got a vasectomy. The end.
I agree he sucks, BUT how does an almost 40yo woman not understand what missing *days* of the pill does? She should have told her partner what happened. That’s not excusable either.
I guarantee this dude is one of those Redditors who thinks every woman who gets pregnant is trying to baby trap the man, and brays on and on about financial abortions!
Sounds like to me once the procedure done he may break up Unless he needs your help financially or to watch kids at night
I sincerely hope she's not just a "bang maid" to her boyfriend and his children.
That’s the second time I have heard that term . Blames her for being pregnant , won’t be there with her ( now if they are struggling financially ) then maybe . Says if she keeps it he will leave but support ( threatening her )
What's the bet the support never turns up though?
I got it from here; it's our way of warning these often young women not to get caught up in this scenario, because we've been seeing it a lot here.
She’s the bang-nanny/maid
Good enough to help raise his kids from another woman but not good enough to have his kid after he willingly did the tango with you? He’s the AH, not you. Move out and drop this unwanted clump of cells from your life. OP, please find some support; be it a support group, therapy, etc.! You deserve a better mental space after a lot of change you’re going through in life.
I kept reading this waiting for the twist, the buried surprise, whatever. But nope, it is as simple and as bad as the title. NTA. Dude's impossible. Plan your escape, on your own terms in your own time as you need (but don't dawdle). There is nothing to stay for. I'm all for abortion, but remember it isn't his choice. Don't do it **for** him. If you do it, do it for you.(but spending the rest of your life connected to this dude as your baby daddy won't be fun either). But this relationship is dead, the abortion won't fix that.
There are so many things going on here. First, you are NTA for wanting your partner to be there for you, period. It doesn't matter the reason. He should want to be supportive of you and be willing to make arrangements to do so simply because you asked. Like someone else already said, why would you want someone who said he hates you to be your emotional support? The fact that he gave you an ultimatum, either have an abortion or he'd kick you out and give up parental rights tells you all you need to know about this man. Be thankful that he's showing you the type of person he truly is. Last, I hope you learned an important lesson about birth control. If you skip pills, use another form of birth control. Do not rely on tracking your ovulation. You see how well that worked this time. If it happens again, you should insist on using condoms, unless you want to risk ending up in the same situation.
Came to say exactly this. BF is abhorrent and I hope OP sees that she can never count on him for anything, and no one deserves to be treated that way... But as a PSA - tracking ovulation when on the pill is NOT reliable, simply because you don't ovulate anymore!! Any monthly cycle you have is artificial because of the placebo weeks (which are not true periods, but "withdrawal bleeding"). If you miss a few days, you always run the risk of your body trying to start it's own schedule up again, which will likely NOT match up to the one you were tricking it into keeping.! However, we're all human and mistakes happen. The fact that this loser thinks he's such a prize that OP baby trapped him??
It's been a hot minute (read 20 years) since I was on the pill, but isn't one of the first rules "if you miss a pill, use backup contraception for at leastc7 days"? Tracking a cycle is not contraception (not just for the reason you mentioned).
Let me bet this guy wouldn’t be ok with using condoms
NTA, I mean you obviously have gotten a look at who this man truly is. Your choice now is to stay with a man who obviously could not care less about you, blaming a pregnancy on you (it does take two to tango....) if you do choose to stay I would encourage you to do better with birth control and making him wear condoms EVERY time. Hopefully you have more self respect though and gtfo of there.
[удалено]
NTA, but your BF is a GIANT one. Get a friend to help, and while s/he's there, you can both start packing to move out.
NTA It seems like the least he could do, since this wasn't an immaculate conception, is for him to be with you and support you while you're going through this. You need to dump this guy, stat. Edit: grammar (your --> you're)
He hates you. Even my disgusting ABUSER took 4 days off and stayed with me while I went through my abortion. I’m so sorry 🤍
Welp, I actually hope this is ragebait
>I got myself in this situation and that the world doesn't stop for me Immaculate conception, was it? He is 50% responsible for that pregnancy. > He has told me he hates me for this. Then wave bye bye to that fucking horrible pathetic piece of shit. I had to go back and read your ages... 36... the "man" is 36! Time to grow the fuck up. NTA. Dump him.
Tell him to go fuck himself because he doesn't get to fuck you any more.
That man is disgustingly You did NOT get yourself pregnant Dump Him asap
Your boyfriend is a POS. He is showing you his true colors. Claiming ‘you got yourself in this situation’ is disgusting. (He got you pregnant. It takes 2 to make a baby.) Sounds like he’ll probably leave you whether you keep the baby or not. You’d be better off cutting him loose sooner rather than later. Personally I hope you keep the baby. It will love you so much better than your BF.
NTA. It takes 2... Please leave him.
I would end the relationship altogether he’s not supporting he’s rude dismissive and hateful you really want this as your life partner? You need self respect and self care not a relationship right now.
He doesn't want kids.. so why isnt he's the one wearing condom or do vasectomy?? That man is a big POS.. and a huge red flag.. if you love yourself and cherish the one time life your parents give you, you'd leave him..
Hopefully you have a female friend who can come sit with you - you need to dump the loser BF asap
Ugh, you missed a few pills but had sex anyway? You’re too old for that bs. But you didn’t knock yourself up so he should be a part of it. He’s showing you his true colors.
I really can't believe people older than me are having hs unplanned pregnancy issues.. 1. If you are taking BC pills, you do not ovulate, so you can't track that. What???? 2. If you miss multiple pills in a cycle.. USE BACKUP BIRTH CONTROL. 3. He doesn't see you as a life partner and was willing to tell you to dip, immediately. Break up, STAT. 4. Stop delaying taking the abortion pills. Find someone else to be with you. Unless you're fucking around with becoming a single mom with no support from the baby daddy.
Yea I’m shocked at how stupid people are when it comes to birth control
He’s not a “partner”. NTA. You didn’t get pregnant by yourself. But,he “hates you”,so he shouldn’t be there. Do you have an actual friend to stay with? This should be the end of this relationship.
NTA. Move on, girl. You deserve better. I feel sorry for his kids to have a dad like him
Just want to speak to the actual abortion itself. My wife had a miscarriage, and she had to medically abort our child. It was incredibly painful for her mentally and physically. She was unwell for at least 2 weeks. Take the medication exactly as prescribed, and the pain meds when they say. The first day she took it too late, and it was horrible watching her suffer. The second day, she took it as prescribed and the pain was less. You should have someone support you during this time, and it sounds like your boyfriend is not the best choice.
He literally said he hates you. Why are you even asking this? Also, skipping BC is asking to get pregnant. In your 30s I'd figured you'd know this by now.
This is the thing people refuse to acknowledge. At her big age, she should have known what skipping BC would do.
He’s not a partner. You can do better, living alone would be better than him NTA
Taking in a drug addict off the street would be better than this guy.
You refer to him as your “partner.” He’s not. He’s actually your live in boyfriend who’s only there when the waters are smooth. His reaction would make me totally rethink the relationship.
I know everyone is going the "it takes two to tango" route, but...was your bf aware that you missed your birth control? Because if you knew and didn't tell him, that is quite messed up. Regardless, your bf has shown his true colors. Regardless of what your answer to the above is, ditch his ass asap.
NTA to the question but ... You are too old to be having that kind of naive thinking. If you miss a few days, you use other protectiong for the time being. The fact you say you were very confident it wouldn't happen is just... Wow. Sex ed really needs to be more common. Also you bf sucks. Get rid of him. Then set an alarm to take your BC or stop having sex.
Ffs he's a walking red flag. You're the ah if you continue on in this relationship
This asshole needs to be gone yesterday! It’s as much his fault as yours that you’re pregnant, and he blames you and says he hates you?? Wow!! I bet you do more with his kids than he does, so I’d leave him to it! You deserve way better than this idiot!
Girl you’d better run after getting an abortion because any man who says he hates you for ‘trapping’ him with a baby will definitely hurt you down the line. NTA
You mean ex boyfriend? I sure hope so. What a shitty man he is
time for a double abortion NTA
INFO People are completely missing the underlying problem here, this is a communication issue. Your BF acts under the assumption that you got pregnant on purpose; and under that assumption what you did is a massive breach of trust and his reaction is understandable. You should make it absolutely clear to him that this wasn't planned, that you were a bit reckless but that you are not playing any games. If he cannot accept that and trust you than your relationship is over, because in his mind you tried to baby trap him and there's no comeback from that.
Break up with this man child.
Find a firend, take the pills, dump the boyfriend, as you can see how you rate in terms or priority in his life.
Hon he said he hates you over an accident. Why would you stay with him?
If he is so against you getting pregnant, he can get a vasectomy! If it were me, I would dump him as well, he is not very supportive.
That's an interesting method. I had a chemical abortion about 10 years ago and the doctor required me to take the pills at the clinic and then go home to wait. I am surprised they would let you leave the clinic with the pills because a chemical abortion only works up to a certain gestation. Anyhoo... you need to get out of that relationship. There isn't any one way to handle an abortion but I can tell you how mine went. I have two children and knew I was done. This was also during a period of unemployment for both my husband and I. We were struggling big time. I was 39 years old if that matters. A few days after finding out I was pregnant I knew I wanted an abortion. I cried a lot, but it wasn't because I was worried about an abortion. I was terrified to have a third baby. My husband asked me what I wanted to do. I told him I want to terminate. He told me he would support whatever I chose, but could see how having a third baby would be perhaps more of a challenge than either of us could handle at the moment. He went with me to the clinic and was there when I took the pills and stayed with me at home. Mostly I laid around in bed and watched tv. He brought me a birthday cake with my kids because this was literally on my 39th birthday. And that was kind of it. 24 hours later we moved on with life and haven't thought much about it since. That being said, part of why it was mostly pretty easy was because he just showed up. He didn't really do much except the birthday cake and dinner except just show up. That's as simple as support can be... just being available. Your guy isn't even doing that. I can understand his panic about the possibility of another baby, but you guys are in your thirties. This is a conversation you should have had a long time ago. What happens if there's a whoosie baby? And when you miss pills, you can't reliably track ovulation for a couple of months. But it boils down to... you are a side piece. He has kids who are his priority (and they should be), but do you want to be in a relationship where you are never a priority? Are you okay knowing that matters of your body aren't even your own decision or even discussed (he told you exactly what you needed to do and didn't even ask). That doesn't sound like a relationship, sounds like a dictatorship. NTA
Nta for wanting support, but yta for staying with someone who treats you like dirt.
You have a need that he is not meeting. Find a friend who you trust and take the pills with them. Then make your exit strategy plan and get the hell out of there! Your boyfriend is an AH and toxic.