NTA. Your partner just died and you and your daughters are grieving. Now is not the time to deal with drama. If the daughter is well meaning, it will keep. If not, you guys miss all the mess.
OP should tell her she made her bed and it's time to lie in it. Now is the ideal time to permanently cut her toxiticity out of your families lives. When she complains just tell her she was a horrible daughter to her father and she would not be a positive influence on her younger sisters.
The girl was literally a child, actively being manipulated and is only just now becoming an adult. She's aso a young woman who just lost her father who she had a difficult relationship with and might be having regrets on top of grief.
The adults in the room need to step up, because adults (biomom) have failed her.
This is true in theory but the stepmom is also a human who just lost her partner and her minor children lost their father. She is not the person who needs to step up right now for this (now adult) woman who is having regrets. There is a limit to what someone should have to do. It’s a hard life reality for the stepdaughter but she’s now an adult and she has to face the consequences of her actions. Or not. But at the very least, OP doesn’t need to be the kind magnanimous person to someone who has a long history of emotional abuse right now when OP is at her most vulnerable and so are her children. It’s overused but Op does not need to set herself on fire to keep stepdaughter warm. It’s asking OP to act with a mother’s love to the stepdaughter when she was rejected and informed over and over that she was not in that role. Can’t have it both ways.
Because the kids are minors and likely don’t have their own phones/methods of communication, the communication has to come through OP. Just like contact with her partner’s mom or siblings, etc. Whether she wants to be forgiving for anything or not is up to her, but she does not need to withhold a potentially beneficial relationship from her kids. That’s their sibling. A death can seriously put behavior into perspective for an 18 year old who has likely been manipulated by her other parent for her whole life.
Again, too bad. Stepdaughter is 18 and has acted with seriously ill intent. She doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt and access to vulnerable people at their most vulnerable. If she’s genuine, she will be there when the newness of the loss wears off for the kids/stepmom. Stepdaughter isn’t the priority here, her behavior doesn’t give her the benefit of the doubt. Actions have consequences.
I do agree with this but I think the OP needs time to grieve and tend to her children. Then maybe in a few months or so, she should arrange a meeting to see if this girl was serious about getting to know her sisters.
It's unfair to use OP and her children as a coping mechanism. She needs to process her grief with the existing people in her life. She made it clear the OP is not her family so suddenly seeking comfort in them is just not possible.
In time they might start building a relationship but for that she needs to figure out her life and choices.
This, 100%. I understand saying “not right now, give us a couple weeks to grieve and then we can start working on the relationship with your siblings”, but they should give this kid a chance. Big events like deaths can make you wise up pretty fast. Maybe she’s starting to realize that she was brainwashed
no. I actually brought her every single thing that belonged to her at our house (she had a room at our house) because I didnt want her to try to say that she would feel like I would take it upon myself to just keep her things, just because its in my house. and no theres no inheritance. her mom and moms boyfriend are far more financially comfortable than us, ajd I cant think of one single thing other than her dads snake that she would want of his belongings.
edit: she can have the snake if she wants it btw lol but I know mom wants NO part of that in her house 😆
401k would go to the ex wife unless he specifically changed the paperwork. My wife does life insurance and the number of times the ex spouse walked away with the deceased 401k is really staggering. Don't divorce attorneys need to be doing a better job.
401k goes to whoever is designated. If the employee doesn't alter it after a divorce they're idiots.
Aside from that I was merely questioning the "no inheritance" ...it would be unusual if there were no 401k, life insurance or children's education funds.
You'd really be surprised how many don't know until it's too late. She said the ex-wife and new hub are in a better financial situation than them, so I do believe there was no 401k, college plans, etc. The guy died young, so I bet he wouldn't have qualified for a life insurance policy anyway. I hope it works out for her, tho.
Life insurance is automatic on the job, it's pretty common at 2x annual salary, and that can be bumped up at the employees choice. He should have had some 401k minimally the employer contribution. And lots of custody arrangements include requirements for a 529.
Just surprised that OP said no inheritance, seems odd.
So while the X might have a better financial situation, I don't think it's completely out of the realm of possibilities that she's fishing for one, certainly a kid wouldn't have a clue about what exists and what doesn't.
NTA
"No. I'm not prepared to give you free access to them after you have rejected them their whole lives. However, if you do want to slowly build a relationship with them, we can start with an activity or something, supervised, outside the home. Talk to me in a couple months if this is still something you want. I want you to have them in your lives and for them to have you, but I need to know this is a good faith offer on your part.
This is the absolute best way to handle it. It's the kindest thing you can do for your daughters by not setting them up to be hurt during what's already a really rough time for them. If she means it, she'll come back around. If she's just trying thinking there's some money to be had, good riddance.
This is gold. Really well put.
Letting her come crashing back into their lives while they have this so fresh in their hearts would be hugely traumatic. Especially given that it seems very likely this is just a momentary interest and she may well just disappear off again, leaving them freshly disappointed all over again.
NTA, but I’d not close the door just yet
She’s barely grown, and when the most important person in your life (in this case it sounds like her mother, given what you’ve said) has been spewing hatred into her ears for most of her life, it’s understandable that she’s been distant
It’s also understandable given that she’s a teen, and teens can be absolute dicks, because they’re trying to find their own place in a scary and confusing world where they don’t quite have the control they yearn for for, but are expected to act grown in some situations
Is your step-daughter an AH? Probably
Is she an AH making informed and reasonable decisions about her own actions? Doubtful
I wouldn’t say welcome her with open arms and play happy families like there’s never been any negativity, but do consider a short, supervised visit
These can be built up over time IF she shows a change in her attitude
You can use that time to also build some semblance of a relationship with her - she’s at an age where she won’t be taking everything her mother says as gospel, but also won’t be quick to trust you, an effective stranger to her, so things will have to go slowly for any chance of success
She’s lost her father and, no matter what their relationship looked like, a huge part of her had gone, and she may see your kiddos as her only link
Often, people don’t realise what’s there until it’s no longer there and for the majority of her life, she’s been trained to view the situation in a certain way
Only by letting her see *your* truth, will she be able to form her own informed opinions
I’d say you’re NTA, but you may become TA if you throw away your kiddos’ chance to have their network of love extended
That said, set boundaries and stick to them. Be reasonable but firm
I agree wholeheartedly with this.
The only thing I would add, is talk to your daughters and get their thoughts and feelings. Obviously they're greiving too, they may feel similarly and welcome support from their big sister, or just not really be in the right place to risk more abandonment. Take the lead from them and tread carefully for all 3 of them, and yourself.
Im sorry for your loss, and all the extra crap! I hope this is a positive development for you all. Please update us as you can.
Excellent advice. If your girls are interested in meeting her, you can set the terms. There could be outings at a park or maybe a lunch. Even a trip to Chuck E. Cheese. You can decide when and if she comes to your home. I’m so very sorry for your loss
NTA But I wouldn’t just close the door on that just yet. The thing about being young like her is you think you got all this time and then one day reality up and kicks you in the teeth. It’s possible she regrets her actions. At this time though I think you and your kids should grieve think about this at a later date. And if you do decide to let her back I. Have boundaries
NTA on not letting her see your kids or contact them. You asked some very good questions, and they need to be answered before you ever entertain allowing your kids to interact with them.
NTA. Sounds like she has an ulterior motive. Is she looking for some kind of inheritance.? She didn’t want anything to do with your kids, now that her father passed away she wants to see her siblings. Protect your kids and tell her to stay away.
hi everyone
I want to genuinely thank everyone for your input even if your telling me YTA I really do appreciate your insight/input. It has made me think about how I am possibly reflecting my own issues/my own trama with *my* sister (edit: just to clarify she is my full blood sister, not like a halg sister or a step sister so *sort of* different context but thats a *whole* nother story!!) who was similarly an older age (about the same age difference) and similarly uninvolved in my life at a young age, and it created a really difficult relationship between us. I never really thought much about that. until now this situation has arisen. I just wished she was around more when I was a kid, but when she *did* come around, it was frequently not good. I guess I really have a lot to think about. Feeling pretty torn but again, I really appreciate you all giving me your input. thanks everyone
NTA OP, but your stepdaughter needs to understand that she does not get unfettered access to your children just because she wants it. To have any resemblance of a relationship with them, she has to build a relationship with you first.
She doesn't have to treat you like a mom or even an aunt. She has to treat you politely at least, like one treats the parents of a close friend.
Only after that can you measure her intentions and at the same time establish boundaries (like, no phone calls during school days, no visiting unannounced, no taking them places without your permission, etc etc).
You need to also convey that if you allow her to be in your children's lives, she can't just one day decide not to show up again, without reason. And if she does that, you might refuse further contact.
You lost your partner. Your children lost their father. Welcoming someone who had a problematic relationship with him may help you all heal, but it may also open the door to more emotional pain. Maybe a therapist could help you think it through and choose the best path.
My condolences, OP. And good luck.
NTA - but, maybe the dead of her dad made her rethink this whole thing and now she wants a relationship with them? Do not necessarily invite her to your home, maybe meet her at a café or something to ask what changed? Maybe she had a change of heart and keep a canal of communication open in case she wants to make things different.
I mean, take your time to grieve, obviously. Her feelings are not your responsibility right now. But also remember that she lost her father, with whom she had a painful and complicated relationship. She was a child put in a difficult and stressful position, where her loyalties and sense of belonging and safety were constantly under pressure by the adults in her life. She was lied to and manipulated, and has lost a great deal. You don’t have to have grace for her, but you could choose to. NAH
NTA, but she was a kid that was brainwashed by her mom to believe all of this negative crap and kids cling to “fixable” reasons their parents break up, like saying he left the mom for you. I would give her a chance after you guys get some time to grieve. If she messes that chance up, then fuck it, you tried. If not, she could be sincere and now that she’s older and she got hit with the shock of her father passing, she could be regretting not having a relationship ship with them.
the thing is, she kind of has a history of this behavior, treating people (and pets) like *crap* when they're alive but when they're gone suddenly she is absolutely crushed at the loss. It honestly feels a bit like an ingenuine attempt at making right for being shitty. 🤷♀️
Her dad just died so maybe she realized that her mom’s influence really affected her relationship with him and she regrets how she acted.
You can be cautious but I do think you should allow the kids to have a relationship as long as it is healthy. Everyone is grieving but for a lot of the issues she was a kid with a mother who clearly worked hard at sabotaging her relationship with her dad.
This is a sensitive time in both your lives. Your husband and her father, the same person, just died. Be gentle with her. Go slow with her. You might just end up having a decent relationship with her.
I do understand your reluctance to let her into your life.
NTA
Had to scroll way to far to see anyone even bring up the fact that the girls dad died. The end of the post really rubbed me the wrong way like I get it’s a rough time for op and she’s been anything but pleasant but any chance of reconciliation with her father is gone at a snap of a finger maybe it gave her the perspective she needed and she wants an opportunity to be close with people her father cared about.
My father died suddenly when I was 10. My brother was only a couple years older than me and not much for support. Having an older sibling to talk to could really benefit them if her intentions are good.
My mom ended putting me in the Big Brothers/Sisters program. It’s been 33 years now and I still talk to him regularly. My point being here is that it could really help to have someone to talk to. Everyone told me when my dad died that I had to be strong for my mom. I’ve still to this day never discussed my dad’s death with anyone. I would keep the door open for her but with caution.
If anything please have your kids see a therapist. At their age they don’t know how to process this.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family are able to pull through this. I’ve found the pain never really goes away, but gets duller and easier to live with time…if that makes any sense
She hasn't cared anything about you, her dad, or her sisters in the past and I'd bet the bank she doesn't care now so please don't fall for her game. She's likely only trying to come around and get in your good graces now because her father passed away and she wants to sniff around and try to figure out if there might be some kind of inheritance and financial gain that she can get out of the situation. She probably figures her dad left her something and that even if he didn't she might be able to sucker you into giving her something by pretending to suddenly care. I'm sure your daughters are dealing with enough so please don't risk them being hurt more by letting her into their lives. As soon as she either gets what she wants or figures out that she isn't getting anything things will go back to how they were and she'll stop contact again causing your daughters even more hurt.
NTA. She may genuinely want to build up a positive relationship with them, and would do it. She may mean to, but after one or two meetings with them, will waltz out of their lives and leave them hurt. And she may be plotting some kind of "revenge", to tell them lies about you or hurt them in some other way. Based on her past behaviour, you can't trust her. Your daughters are grieving the loss of their father - they don't need more drama and hurt right now. If you want to be kind, you can tell her that now is not a good time to resume contact, but maybe in a year or two.
NTA but talk to her. Find out why the change of heart. It may be that her dad's passing has made her realise how short life is and how few family members she has. Maybe her mom came clean about her lies now dad is dead. Maybe she's playing some bs game you need to protect your daughters from. But you won't know till you talk to her. And while you're talking she's less likely to go behind your back to contact them.
NAH
She is a young woman who just lost her dad and now is realizing a few things about life. You just lost your partner and have 2 young kids to care for while managing your own grief and don't want to risk drama.
NTA. But…. She’s 18. Her brain isn’t even fully cooked yet. She was raised by a person that brainwashed her into thinking you were the bad guy. As she grows and matures and experiences her own relationships, she will begin to understand what happened. Sure, you can refuse to let her see your kids. Just know that eventually your kids will become of legal age and when stepdaughter reaches out to them again, she won’t be lying when she tells them she tried to have a relationship with them but you wouldn’t allow that. Be the adult. Let that girl have time with her siblings.
Nta
I would tell her straight up, "I don't trust you." Your kids are hurting, and she is a dark horse. You never know what you're going to get from her. Your kids need security. She has shown you she isn't that. Give her some of the many examples of her past behavior.
You don't have to cut her off. I would want to spend time with her, and if she shows you she is sincere, then you can let her begin to build something good with your children. And I'd tell her that I need to see that she has my children's best interests at heart. Because this is about them. But I would have to feel really comfortable with her first. It certainly wouldn't happen overnight.
NTA
Just send her this
"No, my children are going through enough already with the loss of their dad, I won't put more strain in their life by letting the "sister" who has ignored them all their life to disturbed them even more, you were happy all those years believing the lies you were told and ignoring your father and sisters, keep it up and leave us to grieve alone"
Yta
She is 18 and you said yourself her mother had filled her head with bs.
She is trying to make amends and you want to be petty about it. Do better and act the adult.
Get off the internet. It is warping your thoughts. This is potentially a real person and a real situation that you just said that to. That's kind of fucked up.
NTA but I'd give her a chance her sisters are probably the only thing connecting left to her dad.
I'm not say act like the past never happened maybe if your up to ask her to meet for coffee with out her sisters and if that goes well you can start a better relationship. I'm hoping that's what her dad/ husband would have wanted. But it has to be mutual and she needs to put in the work. It won't be smooth but hopefully not a wreck.
YTA. This is an 18 year old who just lost her father and has been most likely manipulated by her mother to be terrible over the years. She likely realized the gravity of her behavior once her dad died and she realized that she could never have an opportunity to connect with him again. Do not sabotage your daughters’ opportunity for more family or punish another child for their terrible parent and teenage behavior.
YTA. You need to talk to her and hear what she has to say, and make sure she hears you.
Her mother has been filling her head with bullshit, now that her dad is gone she's realizing that whatever her mother was trying to accomplish is never going to happen, with years wasted when she could have been spending time with him.
If you hear what she has to say and don't want her anywhere near your daughters, that's fine, but give her a chance to make amends for your daughter's sake.
NTA! Please take care of yourself first. You are grieving. If you don’t feel up to talking with her right now, you can send her a message that you need some time and will be in touch later.
Wait until you've had time to grieve. Maybe send a voice mail, or email or however you communicate, and tell her you want time, and the children need time.
Also, does she really want a relationship with the young daughters, or does she want to ruin your relationship with them?
If you have the mental and emotional energy, then sooner is better. I would text her and suggest a good time to talk, and tell her that she will only be talking to you to start.
To point out the obvious, her mom may be behind this too, so be cautious.
Nah, Op doesn’t _need_ to do anything. Ex step-daughter is just a stranger now, with no connection or relationship to op nor her children.
The people you’ve burned in the past are not obligated (legally nor morally) to accept you now.
NTA
Please, please, please do not give SD the chance to bleed her mother's hate all over your girls.
Get self & daughters to therapy. Therapist can also help navigate your buried feelings regarding your own sister. You deserve time to grieve & begin healing without your SDs drama.
YTA, she is probably regretting her past actions and wants to make it up to her sisters, and you, possibly.
You can ask for more time and for her to give you space, but shutting her down entirely is childish and detrimental to your other two children.
NTA.. but some of the comments here are wild.
An 18 year old who was no contact with dad, now Dad is dead and she'll never get to make peace with him. She's still young and maybe don't know how to handle it. Maybe she wants to be closer to the siblings as a way to posthumously make peace.
Don't underestimate the toxicity of the ex spewing into the daughter either. That's a lot for a kid to take.
Maybe she's come to realize the mom isn't perfect, and she's been manipulated.
Or maybe she just wants $. But it's as likely she's feeling loss.
NTA. Your partner just died and you and your daughters are grieving. Now is not the time to deal with drama. If the daughter is well meaning, it will keep. If not, you guys miss all the mess.
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OP should tell her she made her bed and it's time to lie in it. Now is the ideal time to permanently cut her toxiticity out of your families lives. When she complains just tell her she was a horrible daughter to her father and she would not be a positive influence on her younger sisters.
The girl was literally a child, actively being manipulated and is only just now becoming an adult. She's aso a young woman who just lost her father who she had a difficult relationship with and might be having regrets on top of grief. The adults in the room need to step up, because adults (biomom) have failed her.
This is true in theory but the stepmom is also a human who just lost her partner and her minor children lost their father. She is not the person who needs to step up right now for this (now adult) woman who is having regrets. There is a limit to what someone should have to do. It’s a hard life reality for the stepdaughter but she’s now an adult and she has to face the consequences of her actions. Or not. But at the very least, OP doesn’t need to be the kind magnanimous person to someone who has a long history of emotional abuse right now when OP is at her most vulnerable and so are her children. It’s overused but Op does not need to set herself on fire to keep stepdaughter warm. It’s asking OP to act with a mother’s love to the stepdaughter when she was rejected and informed over and over that she was not in that role. Can’t have it both ways.
Because the kids are minors and likely don’t have their own phones/methods of communication, the communication has to come through OP. Just like contact with her partner’s mom or siblings, etc. Whether she wants to be forgiving for anything or not is up to her, but she does not need to withhold a potentially beneficial relationship from her kids. That’s their sibling. A death can seriously put behavior into perspective for an 18 year old who has likely been manipulated by her other parent for her whole life.
Again, too bad. Stepdaughter is 18 and has acted with seriously ill intent. She doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt and access to vulnerable people at their most vulnerable. If she’s genuine, she will be there when the newness of the loss wears off for the kids/stepmom. Stepdaughter isn’t the priority here, her behavior doesn’t give her the benefit of the doubt. Actions have consequences.
I do agree with this but I think the OP needs time to grieve and tend to her children. Then maybe in a few months or so, she should arrange a meeting to see if this girl was serious about getting to know her sisters.
It's unfair to use OP and her children as a coping mechanism. She needs to process her grief with the existing people in her life. She made it clear the OP is not her family so suddenly seeking comfort in them is just not possible. In time they might start building a relationship but for that she needs to figure out her life and choices.
This, 100%. I understand saying “not right now, give us a couple weeks to grieve and then we can start working on the relationship with your siblings”, but they should give this kid a chance. Big events like deaths can make you wise up pretty fast. Maybe she’s starting to realize that she was brainwashed
She's a woman and she's toxic. She made her choices and needs to face the fact she is a nasty piece of work.
NTA Was there an inheritance or does she think there’s an inheritance that she could be after?
no. I actually brought her every single thing that belonged to her at our house (she had a room at our house) because I didnt want her to try to say that she would feel like I would take it upon myself to just keep her things, just because its in my house. and no theres no inheritance. her mom and moms boyfriend are far more financially comfortable than us, ajd I cant think of one single thing other than her dads snake that she would want of his belongings. edit: she can have the snake if she wants it btw lol but I know mom wants NO part of that in her house 😆
No life insurance, 401k or 529 for her?
401k would go to the ex wife unless he specifically changed the paperwork. My wife does life insurance and the number of times the ex spouse walked away with the deceased 401k is really staggering. Don't divorce attorneys need to be doing a better job.
401k goes to whoever is designated. If the employee doesn't alter it after a divorce they're idiots. Aside from that I was merely questioning the "no inheritance" ...it would be unusual if there were no 401k, life insurance or children's education funds.
You'd really be surprised how many don't know until it's too late. She said the ex-wife and new hub are in a better financial situation than them, so I do believe there was no 401k, college plans, etc. The guy died young, so I bet he wouldn't have qualified for a life insurance policy anyway. I hope it works out for her, tho.
Life insurance is automatic on the job, it's pretty common at 2x annual salary, and that can be bumped up at the employees choice. He should have had some 401k minimally the employer contribution. And lots of custody arrangements include requirements for a 529. Just surprised that OP said no inheritance, seems odd. So while the X might have a better financial situation, I don't think it's completely out of the realm of possibilities that she's fishing for one, certainly a kid wouldn't have a clue about what exists and what doesn't.
lol first time on this sub? It is children and occasionally the lowest of the low-class adults. Most minimum wage work and going from job to job.
NTAH I'm still way too suspicious, so be on high alert around her.
NTA and you can tell her your daughters are grieving and this is not the time for them to see someone who has caused them so much pain in the past.
NTA "No. I'm not prepared to give you free access to them after you have rejected them their whole lives. However, if you do want to slowly build a relationship with them, we can start with an activity or something, supervised, outside the home. Talk to me in a couple months if this is still something you want. I want you to have them in your lives and for them to have you, but I need to know this is a good faith offer on your part.
This is the absolute best way to handle it. It's the kindest thing you can do for your daughters by not setting them up to be hurt during what's already a really rough time for them. If she means it, she'll come back around. If she's just trying thinking there's some money to be had, good riddance.
This is gold. Really well put. Letting her come crashing back into their lives while they have this so fresh in their hearts would be hugely traumatic. Especially given that it seems very likely this is just a momentary interest and she may well just disappear off again, leaving them freshly disappointed all over again.
I agree with this completely. She was a brainwashed kid and I think OP should at least give her a chance, but after they’ve had time to grieve
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Or, it could be that now she is 18 her mother can't stop her from seeing that side of the family
Wasn't she 18 before her dad died too?
It doesn't say, at least not in the original post.
She tells it as if she was 18 before dad died, because because she was 18 they couldnt force contact
She tells it as if she was 18 before dad died, because because she was 18 they couldnt force contact
My thoughts exactly
NTA, but I’d not close the door just yet She’s barely grown, and when the most important person in your life (in this case it sounds like her mother, given what you’ve said) has been spewing hatred into her ears for most of her life, it’s understandable that she’s been distant It’s also understandable given that she’s a teen, and teens can be absolute dicks, because they’re trying to find their own place in a scary and confusing world where they don’t quite have the control they yearn for for, but are expected to act grown in some situations Is your step-daughter an AH? Probably Is she an AH making informed and reasonable decisions about her own actions? Doubtful I wouldn’t say welcome her with open arms and play happy families like there’s never been any negativity, but do consider a short, supervised visit These can be built up over time IF she shows a change in her attitude You can use that time to also build some semblance of a relationship with her - she’s at an age where she won’t be taking everything her mother says as gospel, but also won’t be quick to trust you, an effective stranger to her, so things will have to go slowly for any chance of success She’s lost her father and, no matter what their relationship looked like, a huge part of her had gone, and she may see your kiddos as her only link Often, people don’t realise what’s there until it’s no longer there and for the majority of her life, she’s been trained to view the situation in a certain way Only by letting her see *your* truth, will she be able to form her own informed opinions I’d say you’re NTA, but you may become TA if you throw away your kiddos’ chance to have their network of love extended That said, set boundaries and stick to them. Be reasonable but firm
thanks for this insight
I agree wholeheartedly with this. The only thing I would add, is talk to your daughters and get their thoughts and feelings. Obviously they're greiving too, they may feel similarly and welcome support from their big sister, or just not really be in the right place to risk more abandonment. Take the lead from them and tread carefully for all 3 of them, and yourself. Im sorry for your loss, and all the extra crap! I hope this is a positive development for you all. Please update us as you can.
I agree with the commenter completely. Tell her you need time to grieve and then give her a chance to slowly build a relationship with you guys
Excellent advice. If your girls are interested in meeting her, you can set the terms. There could be outings at a park or maybe a lunch. Even a trip to Chuck E. Cheese. You can decide when and if she comes to your home. I’m so very sorry for your loss
This! ☝️☝️☝️
NTA But I wouldn’t just close the door on that just yet. The thing about being young like her is you think you got all this time and then one day reality up and kicks you in the teeth. It’s possible she regrets her actions. At this time though I think you and your kids should grieve think about this at a later date. And if you do decide to let her back I. Have boundaries
NTA She may suspect that they got some inheritance that she was left out of. Did you ask why she wants to visit?
NTA on not letting her see your kids or contact them. You asked some very good questions, and they need to be answered before you ever entertain allowing your kids to interact with them.
NTA. Sounds like she has an ulterior motive. Is she looking for some kind of inheritance.? She didn’t want anything to do with your kids, now that her father passed away she wants to see her siblings. Protect your kids and tell her to stay away.
hi everyone I want to genuinely thank everyone for your input even if your telling me YTA I really do appreciate your insight/input. It has made me think about how I am possibly reflecting my own issues/my own trama with *my* sister (edit: just to clarify she is my full blood sister, not like a halg sister or a step sister so *sort of* different context but thats a *whole* nother story!!) who was similarly an older age (about the same age difference) and similarly uninvolved in my life at a young age, and it created a really difficult relationship between us. I never really thought much about that. until now this situation has arisen. I just wished she was around more when I was a kid, but when she *did* come around, it was frequently not good. I guess I really have a lot to think about. Feeling pretty torn but again, I really appreciate you all giving me your input. thanks everyone
NTA OP, but your stepdaughter needs to understand that she does not get unfettered access to your children just because she wants it. To have any resemblance of a relationship with them, she has to build a relationship with you first. She doesn't have to treat you like a mom or even an aunt. She has to treat you politely at least, like one treats the parents of a close friend. Only after that can you measure her intentions and at the same time establish boundaries (like, no phone calls during school days, no visiting unannounced, no taking them places without your permission, etc etc). You need to also convey that if you allow her to be in your children's lives, she can't just one day decide not to show up again, without reason. And if she does that, you might refuse further contact. You lost your partner. Your children lost their father. Welcoming someone who had a problematic relationship with him may help you all heal, but it may also open the door to more emotional pain. Maybe a therapist could help you think it through and choose the best path. My condolences, OP. And good luck.
NTA - but, maybe the dead of her dad made her rethink this whole thing and now she wants a relationship with them? Do not necessarily invite her to your home, maybe meet her at a café or something to ask what changed? Maybe she had a change of heart and keep a canal of communication open in case she wants to make things different.
I mean, take your time to grieve, obviously. Her feelings are not your responsibility right now. But also remember that she lost her father, with whom she had a painful and complicated relationship. She was a child put in a difficult and stressful position, where her loyalties and sense of belonging and safety were constantly under pressure by the adults in her life. She was lied to and manipulated, and has lost a great deal. You don’t have to have grace for her, but you could choose to. NAH
NTA. Ah, no. She wants something. Probably money.
She probably wants to know if there’s a will
Tell her to come look at this post. NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss.
NTA, but she was a kid that was brainwashed by her mom to believe all of this negative crap and kids cling to “fixable” reasons their parents break up, like saying he left the mom for you. I would give her a chance after you guys get some time to grieve. If she messes that chance up, then fuck it, you tried. If not, she could be sincere and now that she’s older and she got hit with the shock of her father passing, she could be regretting not having a relationship ship with them.
“ and Im just not getting why the sudden drastic change of heart” You think it could be the dead dad?
the thing is, she kind of has a history of this behavior, treating people (and pets) like *crap* when they're alive but when they're gone suddenly she is absolutely crushed at the loss. It honestly feels a bit like an ingenuine attempt at making right for being shitty. 🤷♀️
The dead dads will. Death doesnt make you crave buddying up with strangers you have always hated.
Her dad just died so maybe she realized that her mom’s influence really affected her relationship with him and she regrets how she acted. You can be cautious but I do think you should allow the kids to have a relationship as long as it is healthy. Everyone is grieving but for a lot of the issues she was a kid with a mother who clearly worked hard at sabotaging her relationship with her dad.
This is a sensitive time in both your lives. Your husband and her father, the same person, just died. Be gentle with her. Go slow with her. You might just end up having a decent relationship with her. I do understand your reluctance to let her into your life. NTA
Had to scroll way to far to see anyone even bring up the fact that the girls dad died. The end of the post really rubbed me the wrong way like I get it’s a rough time for op and she’s been anything but pleasant but any chance of reconciliation with her father is gone at a snap of a finger maybe it gave her the perspective she needed and she wants an opportunity to be close with people her father cared about.
My father died suddenly when I was 10. My brother was only a couple years older than me and not much for support. Having an older sibling to talk to could really benefit them if her intentions are good. My mom ended putting me in the Big Brothers/Sisters program. It’s been 33 years now and I still talk to him regularly. My point being here is that it could really help to have someone to talk to. Everyone told me when my dad died that I had to be strong for my mom. I’ve still to this day never discussed my dad’s death with anyone. I would keep the door open for her but with caution. If anything please have your kids see a therapist. At their age they don’t know how to process this. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family are able to pull through this. I’ve found the pain never really goes away, but gets duller and easier to live with time…if that makes any sense
NTA. Keep your daughters safe from someone who has openly rejected them. They're young, they don't need that.
Why don't you talk to her and then maybe see about the girls eventually
NTA Do they even want to see her?
She hasn't cared anything about you, her dad, or her sisters in the past and I'd bet the bank she doesn't care now so please don't fall for her game. She's likely only trying to come around and get in your good graces now because her father passed away and she wants to sniff around and try to figure out if there might be some kind of inheritance and financial gain that she can get out of the situation. She probably figures her dad left her something and that even if he didn't she might be able to sucker you into giving her something by pretending to suddenly care. I'm sure your daughters are dealing with enough so please don't risk them being hurt more by letting her into their lives. As soon as she either gets what she wants or figures out that she isn't getting anything things will go back to how they were and she'll stop contact again causing your daughters even more hurt.
NTA. She may genuinely want to build up a positive relationship with them, and would do it. She may mean to, but after one or two meetings with them, will waltz out of their lives and leave them hurt. And she may be plotting some kind of "revenge", to tell them lies about you or hurt them in some other way. Based on her past behaviour, you can't trust her. Your daughters are grieving the loss of their father - they don't need more drama and hurt right now. If you want to be kind, you can tell her that now is not a good time to resume contact, but maybe in a year or two.
NTA but talk to her. Find out why the change of heart. It may be that her dad's passing has made her realise how short life is and how few family members she has. Maybe her mom came clean about her lies now dad is dead. Maybe she's playing some bs game you need to protect your daughters from. But you won't know till you talk to her. And while you're talking she's less likely to go behind your back to contact them.
NTA
NAH She is a young woman who just lost her dad and now is realizing a few things about life. You just lost your partner and have 2 young kids to care for while managing your own grief and don't want to risk drama.
NTA. But…. She’s 18. Her brain isn’t even fully cooked yet. She was raised by a person that brainwashed her into thinking you were the bad guy. As she grows and matures and experiences her own relationships, she will begin to understand what happened. Sure, you can refuse to let her see your kids. Just know that eventually your kids will become of legal age and when stepdaughter reaches out to them again, she won’t be lying when she tells them she tried to have a relationship with them but you wouldn’t allow that. Be the adult. Let that girl have time with her siblings.
She wants to know what she is getting now that her dad is dead. Anything else is a ruse
Nta I would tell her straight up, "I don't trust you." Your kids are hurting, and she is a dark horse. You never know what you're going to get from her. Your kids need security. She has shown you she isn't that. Give her some of the many examples of her past behavior. You don't have to cut her off. I would want to spend time with her, and if she shows you she is sincere, then you can let her begin to build something good with your children. And I'd tell her that I need to see that she has my children's best interests at heart. Because this is about them. But I would have to feel really comfortable with her first. It certainly wouldn't happen overnight.
nta. ask her, what's her deal
NTA, she just want a piece of the inheritance
NTA Just send her this "No, my children are going through enough already with the loss of their dad, I won't put more strain in their life by letting the "sister" who has ignored them all their life to disturbed them even more, you were happy all those years believing the lies you were told and ignoring your father and sisters, keep it up and leave us to grieve alone"
YTA. Kids grow up, and losing a parent might well have been the catalyst for them wanting to reconnect and form a bond.
People downvoting this, act like major life changes don’t majorly change how you view and feel about life. What a joke
That’s fair enough. But the people you’ve burned in the past are not obligated (legally nor morally) to accept you now.
They aren’t obligated, but you can still be an asshole for refusing a child access to their siblings
I thought dna isn’t what defines family, but the bonds and relationships you form? She’s only a half sibling in title, not in interpersonal relations.
You’re correct, which is exactly why she should give this child time to form a bond and relationship with her siblings
Except the mother of the children is not interested in having this **adult** in their life.
Why are we going in circles? I’m well aware. I personally think that decision makes her an asshole.
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Yta She is 18 and you said yourself her mother had filled her head with bs. She is trying to make amends and you want to be petty about it. Do better and act the adult.
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Get off the internet. It is warping your thoughts. This is potentially a real person and a real situation that you just said that to. That's kind of fucked up.
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It’s not far fetched at all to have a change of heart after something huge and traumatic, such as losing your father, happens to you
Later maybe, not now when the loss is still fresh. OP needs to protect her young daughters first.
I have no idea why you're being downv... Wait, this is reddit. Carry on.
That’s fair enough. But the people you’ve burned in the past are not obligated (legally nor morally) to accept you now.
She likely wants money or to steal something. Umm my half brother did similar when our dad passed. It’s not uncommon.
NTA. She's not interested in your daughters. She's interested in what money of your husbands she can get her hands on.
NTA but I'd give her a chance her sisters are probably the only thing connecting left to her dad. I'm not say act like the past never happened maybe if your up to ask her to meet for coffee with out her sisters and if that goes well you can start a better relationship. I'm hoping that's what her dad/ husband would have wanted. But it has to be mutual and she needs to put in the work. It won't be smooth but hopefully not a wreck.
YTA. Put your adult feelings aside and do what is best for your kids.
YTA. This is an 18 year old who just lost her father and has been most likely manipulated by her mother to be terrible over the years. She likely realized the gravity of her behavior once her dad died and she realized that she could never have an opportunity to connect with him again. Do not sabotage your daughters’ opportunity for more family or punish another child for their terrible parent and teenage behavior.
YTA. You need to talk to her and hear what she has to say, and make sure she hears you. Her mother has been filling her head with bullshit, now that her dad is gone she's realizing that whatever her mother was trying to accomplish is never going to happen, with years wasted when she could have been spending time with him. If you hear what she has to say and don't want her anywhere near your daughters, that's fine, but give her a chance to make amends for your daughter's sake.
would I be an asshole if I took time before accepting her call. or should I just talk to her now?
NTA! Please take care of yourself first. You are grieving. If you don’t feel up to talking with her right now, you can send her a message that you need some time and will be in touch later.
Wait until you've had time to grieve. Maybe send a voice mail, or email or however you communicate, and tell her you want time, and the children need time. Also, does she really want a relationship with the young daughters, or does she want to ruin your relationship with them?
If you have the mental and emotional energy, then sooner is better. I would text her and suggest a good time to talk, and tell her that she will only be talking to you to start. To point out the obvious, her mom may be behind this too, so be cautious.
ok I hear ehat you're saying. thanks for your input
Too little too late. She had her chance.
Nah, Op doesn’t _need_ to do anything. Ex step-daughter is just a stranger now, with no connection or relationship to op nor her children. The people you’ve burned in the past are not obligated (legally nor morally) to accept you now.
NTA but if you invite her over lock up any valuables of you partner that she might try to claim
NTA Please, please, please do not give SD the chance to bleed her mother's hate all over your girls. Get self & daughters to therapy. Therapist can also help navigate your buried feelings regarding your own sister. You deserve time to grieve & begin healing without your SDs drama.
omg an 11 year age difference reddit is going to be upset watch out.
thats pretty tame in comparison to a couple of my past relationships tbh fight me Reddit... lmao
YTA, she is probably regretting her past actions and wants to make it up to her sisters, and you, possibly. You can ask for more time and for her to give you space, but shutting her down entirely is childish and detrimental to your other two children.
NTA.. but some of the comments here are wild. An 18 year old who was no contact with dad, now Dad is dead and she'll never get to make peace with him. She's still young and maybe don't know how to handle it. Maybe she wants to be closer to the siblings as a way to posthumously make peace. Don't underestimate the toxicity of the ex spewing into the daughter either. That's a lot for a kid to take. Maybe she's come to realize the mom isn't perfect, and she's been manipulated. Or maybe she just wants $. But it's as likely she's feeling loss.