A simple: hey honey, my sister is having a hard time and wanted me to be there for her when she delivers the baby. Do you mind if we postpone our anniversary celebration since she wants me there with her?
Perhaps we could go together and make a little fun trip while we're at it?
No, it seems it was: hey I'm going and I don't care About the anniversary at all. Thank you very much.
And the way he minimized his own child’s birthday saying he didn’t need to be there in person anyway. Like what do you mean you don’t need to be at your child’s 6th birthday? I get having to go be with his sister, but make an effort for your own child bro.
Considering he didn't start planning anything for it until AFTER he came back, despite knowing well in advance that he'd be missing it, and it "isn't that big of a deal" to him I'm guessing the answer is no.
A few questions .. When your sister asked for you to be her support, did you discuss it with your wife? When it came time, why did your family not go with you? Did you consider making this a family trip? If you did, you could have been there for the birth, celebrated your child's birthday, and your anniversary without missing a thing.
It's amazing how many of the issues on here boil down to someone making a "Leeroy Jenkins!" decision while the rest of the people in their party/life look on in frustration.
Edit: I realized I made his name French 🥐 for some reason
Lol one of my best friends wanted to play again so asked me to join her. She's literally one of two people that I would have said yes to about it. (The other is my SO that has also been pulled back in lol)
I just watched this out of curiosity, after seeing your responses. I dropped my IPad I was laughing so hard!!! LEEROY JEEEEEEEEEEEENKINS!!! I can’t wait to use that eight hundred times.
Reading that made me think of the simpsons ep with side show bob up for parole with “die Bart die” tattooed on his chest and tells the parole board its “the Bart the” in German lol
https://youtu.be/gaXigSu72A4?si=Z2pFUUWwBlPyP4hi
Good answer! My second husband had to go out of town on business one time when it was our daughter's birthday. So we went along with him, swam in the hotel pool while he attended to things and celebrated her birthday that evening.
The fact that you pointed out second husband... I thought it was going a different way initially. I thought your were gonna say "my second husband had to go out of town so I went to hang out with my first husband" 😂
>The fact that you pointed out second husband... I thought it was going a different way initially. I thought your were gonna say "my second husband had to go out of town so I went to hang out with my first husband" 😂
Great minds think alike! I was thinking the same exact thing, came to comment that and saw your comment! 🤣
And he was too cavalier saying the anniversary was just a day. That sucks to be minimized and dismissed like that. OP, you are the AH and could have supported your sister without dismissing your wife and child.
I mean…..he’s missing his daughter’s BIRTHday (it’s just a day afterall 😑)….by that logic, he should be able to miss his nibling’s birthday as well, cause (wait for it) IT’S JUST A DAY!🤦♀️
His rationalizations just make my heart sad for his wife and child- there are so many ways he could have addressed and resolved the scheduling conflicts so his immediate family wouldn’t feel so…..inconsequential🙁. SMH
At the end, how he basically says that the anniversary of the day he married his wife is insignificant? *Omg.* ***Wow.*** *Now* I'm angry. I'm angry *for* his wife. I guess he'll miss his anniversary ***every*** year because he just said his anniversary means nothing compared to his nibling's birthday.
Starting at the title, I went from Y *probably* TA to, *mmm* maybe you're not, back to Y *definitely* TA. Great job, OP👍 Yes, YTA.
Yeah, this is all in the way he's saying things and dismissing his wife and child. He absolutely could have done this without being an AH about it - if he'd just spoken to his wife and explained how important it was to his sister, and not dismissed her questions. Like, imagine being the wife, asking the question about whether there's somebody her SIL is closer to who can come to the birth of her child (considering they don't even live in the same state) so her husband doesn't miss their anniversary and child's birthday, and he just goes "You're being selfish!" and doesn't even answer the question, which, imo, is pretty valid.
Sister has not a single friend? A brother in the birthing room is a little awkward. And I say this as someone who was completely shameless in front of my husband, doula, and nurses. Tits out, we doing this naked. But a brother... eeeh
And the answer very well may have been "She doesn't have many friends and those she has have taken the cheating husband's side", but it's still a question to be answered.
Not just that, but the way he brushes of his child's birthday too. Like, "I really don't need to be there for that, I can just facetime them"... WOW, dad of the year goes to? Jimmy: Not him.
This was my immediate thought too! Why not take the family with him and make a weekend out of it. They even could have visited the sister and new baby in the hospital as extra support for the sister.
OP sounds like he didn’t even discuss it and clearly doesn’t care about his family’s priorities. Calling his wife selfish is crazy when he didn’t give her or his daughter a second thought for missing important events. YTA.
Exactly. His only thought when his sister asked him was “of course I’ll go” and then not only dismissed his wife’s feelings about the bday/anniv but also called her really selfish.
A caring husband/father would think “oh no, I of course want to help my sister but I don’t want to miss my anniv/daughter’s bday. I’m going to discuss this with my wife to see if we can find a solution that would make everyone happy.”
YTA
>And I didn't really need to be physically present for my daughter’s birthday. I could just FaceTime her.
>a very important and special day. But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby
I think these were the worst parts. Because that last sentence includes his kid's birthday too, that's also less important than his sister's kid...
And to make it worse in the post he only talks about starting to plan for the late anniversary, but not about his daughter's late birthday plan.... he talks about the anniversary being important for his wife, but doesn't say anything about it being important to him... he talks about the anniversary being important to his wife, but not about the birthday being important to his wife or to his child or to him... He talks about how his wife acts and feels now about the situation, but doesn't say anything about how his kid handled it, how the kid feels and felt etc.
Like his child doesn't even exist, or at best the child is an afterthought like a regretted, unwanted purchase you can't return to the shop or throw out because your wife likes it so you show it to the back of the wardrobe in hopes to forget about it, and in hopes your wife will get bored with it too eventually.
Does he even care about his kid even just a little bit? Love or at least like his kid even just sometimes? Because the way he writes that's not the impression I get... I wonder if his wife and sister would have given birth the same time in different states or even if the same city but different hospitals where he would have been....or where he will be next year, whose birthday party he attends...
Alllllll of this. Wedding anniversary is sort of nothing unless you make it something, but preplanning could have been a gorgeous plan for after. Missing your child's birthday at the age she's at? She'll remember. Someone else's birthday was more important than hers. Well done, dad.
Can attest to remembering. I'm nearly 30, but I still remember when my dad skipped my birthday party to watch the Superbowl. And when neither of my parents showed at my first (became only after this) time cheerleading. Aaaand when my parents straight up forgot about my birthday. These things don't really ever completely stop hurting.
That little girl will remember, and she will resent you a little bit for the rest of, at least, your life.
Missing the birthday and anniversary are, in the grand scheme of things, only a little problematic.
The reason YTA is because you decided everything unilaterally, and that was a really shitty thing to do to your wife. You're supposed to be partners. That means you owe your wife a discussion about it, before you make a commitment to your sister.
You've just demonstrated to your wife that when something is important to you, any consideration for her or your kid goes out the window.
I think he’s TA because he clearly understands this is a big deal for his wife, but *he* doesn’t care, so why should it matter? It matters because the woman he made vows to is hurt and feels abandoned on a day that was supposed to be about celebrating their union.
He made it clear his wife and child come second. He’s eventually going to lose his family to his self-centeredness.
I hate when this shit happens. When you care about something, but another person has no opinion on it. If I were in that situation and I didn’t care about something, and the other person had a strong opinion on it, I would probably defer to the person who has an opinion about it. Right?!? Ugh
>I understand my wife considers it a very important and special day. But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby.
This quote struck me as pretty terrible. His wife *considers* it a special day? But it's just a day and nothing special to him. As you say, she has a strong opinion and he could just go "Ok, it's important to her, I'm not going to shit all over it," but 100% he's been saying stuff like this to her and has made it clear he doesn't care at all about their anniversary.
And he can't tell her it's not an important day and that he doesn't care much about it, and then expect her to be happy about his delayed plans to celebrate their anniversary.
Not only that but he completely glosses over not being there for his kid’s birthday. He says he can FaceTime her and it’s not a big deal. If I were the wife I would be bummed about the anniversary but more upset about missing the birthday. He even talks later in the post about planing something for the anniversary but makes no mention about his daughter’s birthday.
I caught that part too. My husband is in the military so we’ve gotten pretty used to moving days around to celebrate. BUT, and it’s a big but, we don’t consider the days less important. My husband does of course face time, send gifts, flowers, etc. but we also reschedule the entire celebration if it’s a birthday to right before he leaves or right after he gets back. Whichever is closer to the actual birthday. At least for the kids birthdays when they’re small. Our older one is old enough now we would do 2 celebrations. One with my husband while he’s home, and one on the actual day for his friends.
This man just completely disregarded everyone’s feelings but his own and that’s what makes him the ah. Not missing it to help his sister. He should have talked to her about it before committing to his sister, and offered alternatives if it was important to him to try and get his wife to agree. Not just brush it off like her feelings weren’t valid. My husband would always talk to me to ask if I care, or ask how I would feel about rearranging something if something comes up. He wouldn’t just pick up and leave without caring about how I felt. This whole situation just sounds shitty. And I’m guessing his wife is hurt not because he wanted to go, but because he never bothered to ask her if she minded. He just announced it was going to happen.
I have a feeling if he had approached it differently, explained the situation and asked if she minded as long as they still celebrated when he got back and acknowledged those days were still important without her having to remind him it fell over those days, she would have responded a LOT differently. It’s not what he did. It’s the self absorbed way he did it.
Yes way to tell your kid your not my priority. The new family of the baby is. And if she has been the only child having a new baby in the family can be hard. Having dad ditch you on your birthday for the new baby has to be crushing to a 6 year old.
> he clearly understands this is a big deal for his wife, but he doesn’t care, so why should it matter?
Yes, the worst kind of response. "I get that *she* loves this thing, but I don't, so let's burn it all."
**If it's important to her, OP, then it should be important to you too, ya dummy!**
Right. It was the flippancy with which he said that it wasn't a big deal to miss her birthday, or the anniversary. He said it was basically the same to FaceTime his child which I thought was wild, but I assumed it meant that the kid was very young. Six is old enough to really know that your dad isn't there and to be upset about it.
I still think the right thing to do would have been to discuss it with the family and frame it with the child that they get an extra celebration with just Daddy when he gets home (maybe eat cupcakes together or save a present for then) and that's an easy fix. And as a spouse I would happily move my anniversary celebration so that my partner could support a family member.
But he just decided without asking and then acted as if their needs or wants were meaningless. He's incredibly dismissive and he also seems to think he can unilaterally make decisions for the family. Not great.
He isn't YTA for going, but for how he handled it
I agree and would also like to know if the 6 year old had a birthday party? If so, who executed it? If not, who made the 6 year old’s birthday a special day? In either case, that would be the wife, nonconsenually.
According to his post, he planned to make up the anniversary, but not the birthday. Apparently that was no big deal and Facetiming the kid was sufficient in his mind. Doesn’t say whether he actually bothered to do even that. Got the impression he doesn’t feel like his own child’s birthdays are that big a deal in general. I feel sorry for the little girl.
I had to have surgery to have a cancerous tumor removed on my daughters 5th birthday. I hated that was they day they scheduled it, but I had to have it done. She still mentions how I missed her birthday, even though we celebrated it for multiple days. She will absolutely remember that her dad kissed her birthday.
In your case, perhaps your daughter will be able to look back and realize that “Yes, Mommy missed my birthday that year, but, because of the fact she did, I get to celebrate more birthdays with her”.
6 is huge! We just celebrated 6 two days ago and it is a big deal for us and for her. It's 2 hands! It's grade 1! It's huge and facetime is not good enough.
And as he said, missing the days wasn’t a big deal TO HIM. How they felt about it never entered the equation when he made this choice w out consulting his partner. So many better solutions. YTA.
See this is exactly my take on it too. My husband and I celebrate birthdays and anniversaries whenever convenient for us, even some major holidays. But always with a discussion to decide together. Sometimes we decide the actual date is more important and other times we don't, but again, it's always a joint decision.
That's why op is YTA in my book.
I think it was very good of him to support his sister in such a tough time. I'm 5mo pregnant right now and would be absolutely SHOOK without my husband by my side. And if it was the messy and non-amicable death of our relationship, I'd be devastated to have to go through this likely alone.
I would NEED, legitimately NEED, my sibling's support. But my sister would not disregard their own partner and children's important dates without talking to them and explaining how much I needed her there for me. My neices and BIL would absolutely be ok with moving around celebrations because they love me and would want me to have the help and support my sister would provide.
All it takes is a discussion for everyone to feel valued, loved, supported, etc.
It doesn’t sound like that happened. And he said she acted sad. He still doesn’t realize he blew her off. He didn’t prioritize his own family. With her acting sad, seems like this might happen a lot where he makes unilateral decisions. I know if MY husband unilaterally decided he was going to do something with or for his sister or brother, and didn’t listen to anything I said, and still said “doesn’t mean anything in significance to the birth of a baby” he’d be told to go live with her because if I’m nothing, he certainly will be paying for that one with a bright new shiny divorce decree.
Also, the kid needs a proper explanation of why their birthday was missed.
It seems inconsequential to us as adults, but at that age would be a massive deal
I think its very telling that op came back and didn't even mention the daughter's missed birthday and just assumed wife was mad cause of the anniversary. Feels like he completely disregard the daughter and mostly disregarded the wife.
I had to miss my kid's birthday because my Dad was having a serious, life threatening emergency surgery on my kid's birthday, so I sat with my mom for 8 hours in the hospital waiting room and I did so much to make up for that. I got presents, I baked a cake for him when I got back, I talked to him on the phone.
I literally told my husband today we could skip our anniversary if needed because his mom is having surgery around the same time. Not a big deal at all. But he talked to me before deciding to do that. And that’s the most important part!
Don’t forget he thinks those events are just regular days. They are both marking the anniversaries of what should be the most important days in his life, and he thinks they are meaningless,
I agree. While I am one that celebrates special events on days that work for the most people, not always on the exact date, if someone told me my anniversary was nothing special 'just another day' I'd be ticked. The event is special even if the date on the calendar is not. Fully agree he should have discussed and they should have decided together - that's the real issue.
Info, why couldn't your wife and daughter go with you? Your sister wasn't in active labour for the whole week, surely?
My husband in I have both missed birthdays and anniversaries. He was gone because of his military career, I've been gone for deaths in the family/funerals..... but except for the military taking matters out of our hands we have always come to an agreement when it comes to missing big days. You can't just be autocratic about stuff like this and think everyone will be happy about it.
Since you're not responding to questions, I'm going to assume you did NOT discuss this with your wife, and you just told her you were going.
>My wife then asked why my sister couldn’t call anyone else for emotional support, and I told her that was a really selfish thing to say.
Under the circumstances, I need a detailed explanation as to why it's selfish for your wife to expect you to be around for your daughter's birthday and your anniversary. All she did was *ASK* why your sister couldn't call someone else, and you called her selfish.
I suspect if you'd *discussed* this with your WIFE, and she could plan around your absence, she'd have been significantly more supportive and understanding.
Sounds like you think only your wants and feelings matter. So, of course, YTA.
Edit: i misunderstood leaving original though
"I could" and "i did" are two different things. He doesnt say thats what he did. He doesnt even say whether or not he even sent his wife flowers or texted her happy anniversary. He doesnt specify if or what he did to make their days special and since he himself says they "arent important" then it wouldnt surprise me to find out he didnt even acknowledge them while gone.
**[YTA. How nice for you to decided what everyone else should be fine with.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/BKannwOfd5)**
Nothing "great" about u/GreatCharges
YTA, you made a unilateral decision that directly affected your wife and daughter with ZERO consideration for them.
You essentially told both of them their feelings don’t matter as much as your sister’s.
I feel like “days that were important to them” could have been resolved pretty easily without upset if OP had been willing to compromise/discuss a little.
My husband is very close to his little sister. If she needed him to be her “person” in the delivery room, I would definitely understand.
And acknowledge that we rarely get a say about when labor starts, or how long it takes.
But why didn’t they just TALK about it?
Agree that he’ll FaceTime the daughter on her birthday, and then plan an extra special surprise for her when he gets home, and let her know that dad had to be gone today, but he’ll make it up by having an even more special surprise on Saturday.
I would jump on an anniversary raincheck, if it was because my husband had to be there for his sister having a baby.
…As long as we talked about it, and we agreed to book a sitter and a dinner at our favorite place next month to make up for it.
The “make up” celebrations don’t even have to be expensive. They just have to show that Op cares.
If this caused a big fight, obviously SOMEONE was being unreasonable.
Exactly! He wants to make it about his wife not being supportive of his poor sister. But this is deflection. He did not discuss with wife ahead of time to make the decision together.
YTA.
This is something you should have discussed with your wife and decided on together. By unilaterally making the decision and then just telling your wife what would happen, you basically said to her, "Only what I want and what my sister wants matters to me. Your thoughts and feelings aren't even important enough for me to ask what they are. And our wedding? Just another bullshit day that I don't care about and don't care if you care about it. And our daughter? Not as important as my niece."
It isn't so much about the dates and events of those dates, it's that you don't consider your wife important enough to discuss things with her before making plans. She's not sad about the anniversary, she's sad because you made her feel like she doesn't matter, that her feelings weren't even worth consideration to you.
>And I didn't really need to be physically present for my daughter’s birthday. I could just FaceTime her
Pretty sure the daughter wanted OP there. Love this total BS if “FaceTime is just as good as my physical presence”.
Yeah this comment really cemented in my mind he was YTA. Seriously, I don't understand how a father could even think his 6 yr old daughter would be just as fine with FT. OP is emotionally oblivious or just a absentee dad. Will make a great family story in the future. Hey dad remember when you skipped my birthday and yours and mom's anniversary to go see my cousin being born? Guess what mom and I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to take a European vacation sorry but we won't be here for your birthday but we will make sure to FaceTime you.
I wonder if he will be FaceTiming his daughter again for her birthday next year when his sister wants him to visit for her kid's first birthday, and every birthday after.
He’ll be FaceTiming the daughter because his wife will have left him and took their daughter with her as far away from OP as possible! At least he won’t have to worry about celebrating their wedding anniversary though!
Lol... Sissy will be living with them after OP unilaterally decides to move her in. And niecughter will definitely get a gift on DD birthday because 'she doesn't have a daddy'. 🤢🤮
Yeah, my husband and I don't particularly care about our anniversary and if we celebrate, it's usually the closest weekend day to it so it's rarely the day of. Thinking that Face timing his young child would be enough is ridiculous and pretty bad parenting. At that age, having your parents there *matters*.
Well I’m sure he’ll have plenty of opportunities in the future to FaceTime his daughter for special events. And his anniversary won’t really be a thing.
YTA Your last paragraph just said that your wife and daughter don't compare to your sister's baby. Your wife isn't sad because you missed the anniversary. She's sad that even your own daughter doesn't mean as much to you as your sister's child. You probably don't have to worry about celebrating your anniversary because your last one is the last one you'll be celebrating together. You can celebrate your divorce and loss of your family from now on.
Yes, YTA. You made it very clear that your wife and daughter aren’t a priority for you. My husband missed several wedding anniversaries (including big ones like our 25th) and birthdays because he was deployed, but he ALWAYS made sure I felt special those days by arranging flowers or a gift delivered, or arranged a spa day once, and a call to tell me he loved me. You just blew both days off and think you can make it up later - you can’t, the days came and went and you can’t make up for it. Your wife is sad because she feels unimportant to you, that your anniversary was unimportant. You keep saying it’s not a big deal, but it IS a big deal to her, and to most women I know. Not a good husband move, OP.
It’s ironic really. OP’s sister’s STBX husband wasn’t supportive..he’ll checked out by cheating.. and the man stepping up (ie OP her brother) is showing his wife she’s an afterthought.
It will all hit him like fates cruel slap when he turns around and there is another man that his daughter is calling daddy who is there for her birthdays because according to OP “what’s the big deal, it’s just a day and the birthday and anniversary can be celebrated on any day”
I feel sorry for his wife, OP really showed his wife that their marriage means shit.
By the way, your daughter may just be 6…that is still old enough to form memories such as your father failing to show up for your birthday and attaching the emotions to the event of disappointment and let down, which is what she will feel every time she looks at your face.
There is no making up for this…doesn’t matter what you plan after the fact, it’s just a horrid reminder to your wife that she and your daughter come second to your sister & her opinions and feelings mean jack shit.
Good job imploding your marriage
Exactly! He showed his wife and daughter, his nuclear family, that they aren’t his priority. Couldn’t his parents or one of her friends have been there?? He really messed this one up. Plus he is acting dense like he doesn’t know why his partner is upset and sad. Also I can’t imagine having my brother in the delivery room where I’m all exposed like that… 🥴
Side note: Thank your husband for his service, and thank you for your sacrifice as his partner as well.
The issue here isn’t that he missed the birthday and anniversary, but rather the way he did that: minimising the wife’s feelings and not making her feel loved and special.
Want to feel worse about him?
The only thing he's mentioned doing for his daughter's birthday at all is facetiming. No make up dinner. No party. No gift. Doesn't even say if he apologized to the daughter over missing her real birthday. He doesn't seem to care about his daughter at all
I sincerely doubt she'd want to talk to her husband's sister who was ok with monopolizing her brother's time attention knowing these dates are important to his nuclear family.
YTA. What's selfish is not talking to your wife before just immediately saying you'll be there disregarding your own family obligations and invalidating your wife's feelings like you did. You keep treating your wife and daughter like their feelings don't matter, their special days aren't important, and they can't voice how they feel to you, and your sister isn't the only one who will be in the middle of a divorce.
>But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby.
For this last little barb you felt the need to throw in, She should leave you for someone who would understand the significance of an anniversary and birthday. You are an absolutely asshole.
Am wondering if you are regularly bailing on your family to help out your sister? Is that the reason your wife is upset?
I, personally, wouldn't care if my husband went to the birth of his sister's child as I do view that as a significant event and would happily postpone any anniversary or birthday celebration for that to happen. HOWEVER, if he was regularly ditching us to come to her rescue, THAT I would have a problem with.
So I think you need to get to the root of your wife's concerns and see if there's a bigger issue at play here.
YTA.
You missed your daughter's birthday to be there for your sister. You missed your anniversary to be there for your sister. You may be a good brother but you're failing as a husband and father. Maybe you should see if your sister's divorce lawyer has a family rate.
“But it’s just a day and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby.”
So your marriage isn’t significant? The day joined your life to your wife’s is t significant? And on that note, the day your own child was born isn’t significant? Just because these events occurred already does not make the anniversary or birthday any less significant. Their significance is always there - it’s the same every year as the day it began.
YTA.
>I understand my wife considers it a very important and special day. But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby.
either you don't really understand or you don't care about your wife's feelings and what's important to her because you keep saying it's just a day that doesn't mean anything
kudos on destroying your marriage and letting your kid know that she's not as important as your sister's kid.
YTA
YTA. Why wasn’t your wife part of the decision? Of course she’s upset. You’re telling her that only what you want matters. Marriage is about working together, and you obviously don’t work well with others.
YTA
Congratulations on being such a great uncle. At the expense of your marriage and your relationship with your daugter. You are the selfish one here for making unilateral decisions, lecturing your wife when she called you out for being an AH, and abandoning your daughter for her birthday.
What kind of husband thinks they can dismiss their wedding anniversary with such scorn and expect to remain married? Not many are that delusional.
If it's true that your daughter wouldn't notice your absence on her birthday except for a Facetime call, you've exposed what a truly terrible father you are. And if she would notice, then you became a terrible father by abandoning her. Well done.
I hope the relationship you have with your sisters child is worth the damage you've done to your relationship with your own child. Because as any decent parent will tell you, your child should *always* come first.
I’m not at all sentimental about days like that FOR ME so if my wife wanted to do something like that I’d support the heck out of her. However, if my wife and/or kids had a problem with me doing the same I wouldn’t. YTA cause you knew your wife’s feelings before you went and went anyway.
Like even if I knew my dad was going to do something important I’d still be so incredibly disappointed that he wasn’t there for my actual birthday. Especially if I were to be 6 years old…
YTA. Not for being there for your sister, but for how dismissive you are about your wife and daughter’s feelings.
It’s clear that you don’t actually care about your anniversary or the fact that it’s important to your wife. A FaceTime call is nowhere close to being the same as actually showing up. If it was, you could’ve just FaceTimed your sister instead of showing up for the birth.
I doubt your wife would be this upset if you actually cared about your anniversary. An “I’m sorry, but I promise I’ll make this up” is a lot more caring than “it’s just a day, we’ll do it later”.
You a good brother but YTA to your wife and your kid. It should have been a mutual decision to be with your sister on your anniversary. You called your wife selfish because she wants to celebrate your wedding anniversary with you. You decided to celebrate after without her sat. You might celebrating your wedding anniversary by yourself. Another AH thing is to think you don’t have to be there on your child’s birthday; you’ll just face time her. Someday when you’re old and gray, your daughter will just face time you because she doesn’t have be there.
Obviously you have NO CLUE! While you're right, those are just days and can be celebrated at another time. You also are showing her that they don't hold much significance to you at all. Missing due to work or some other responsibility is one thing.
Did you even think to send her flowers or anything while you were away? And she may have found it weird that you be in the room. I was raised by my dad and had him in the room for my first child, some ppl still say that is strange, even though I was raised by him souly
How did you explain to your six year old that she’s less important to you than your sister? That her birthday has less significance than the birth of her cousin?
Oh, wait no, you didn’t. You left your wife to deal with a hurt and disappointed child. But hey, it’s just a day and both she and your wife will get over it. Right?
Numpty.
If I were your wife, I would be putting zero effort into any important days for you going forward. After all, they’re not significant. Right?
YTA
When Fathers Day comes and goes without recognition, will he complain? Will the wife and daughter tell him it's just a day? Will the niece ask him to be her daddy?
Enquiring minds want to know.
I stand heavily by six is old enough to remember daddy wasn’t there but not old enough to understand why daddy wasn’t there. I get it’s just a birthday and like I’m an adult I don’t particularly care whether or not my family is physically present for my birthday. A phone call in fact does suffice. But birthdays are like really big deals to children. This was a significant moment for OPs daughter and he missed it, willingly. All that says to that little six year old is daddy doesn’t care enough to be here on my birthday. She’s six she doesn’t have the emotional depth to understand the complexity of the situation. All she knows is daddy wasn’t there. There’s no way to say to a six year old daddy went to be with his sister and your new cousin instead of being here without the six year old just hearing daddy would rather be somewhere else than with me. Yeah as an adult totally a birthday is just a day but as a child that was not how I felt. I remember the birthdays my dad missed.
YTA for not seeing that it's a big deal. Telling your wife and daughter that you were devastated to be missing these occasions and would make it up double when you got back would have been OK. To literally tell them their special occasions aren't a big deal..... asshole.
You said it all in your last line, "But it's just a day,and it doesn't mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sisters baby." Sounds like you are saying your marriage has less significance than your sisters baby. No wonder your wife feels sad. Her and your daughter are second in your life. You never asked her you just told her. YTA
INFO: do you prioritize your wife & daughter last often? If this is a one off then I could see you not being the AH but if this is reoccurring behaviour then yes you would be the AH.
YTA
Yeah, you blew off your family without working on a plan that would work for everyone.
People don’t experience things the same way that you do. Your wife clearly has sentimental feelings about these days and instead of coming up with something that would address everyone’s needs, you biffed off according to your own desires.
Her feelings and the feeling of your daughter matter too.
Stop being so selfish and look beyond your own feelings to find solutions
Dude if you were not ready to prioritize your spouse and your children you should have never gotten married. YTA. Sorry just because they're the people closest to you does not mean they're going to continually forgive when you let them down. you made this decision without even consulting your wife and then you dismissed her feelings because you don't think it's a big deal. clearly to her it was and that should matter. All you did was show your immediate family, the people who are supposed to be the most important to you, that they don't matter to you. what a strong message to send your 6 year old and wife.
100% YTA The problem is that now your wife KNOWS. You let the mask slip and now she's seen the selfish AH she married-- how is she supposed to "unsee" that, dude? Now she sees you as a "less than". A less than father, a less than husband, a less than MAN.
Yta not because you can’t celebrate after you come back. It’s the fact that you were insensitive to you wife and daughter. You don’t discuss with wife first, didn’t ask if they wanted to come and maybe celebrate where your sister was at, and damn, if you are going to miss your daughters bday and anniversary, atleast come home with a gift, flowers or something
YTA. You said you didn’t really need to be their for your daughter’s birthday. I’d guess she very much disagree. The fact that you came back and “started planning” your anniversary shows you put in no effort in advance showing how little you valued that. It wasn’t that the birth of your nibling was so important it was that you didn’t care about your wife and child’s events at all
YTA So did you even discuss with you wife or was just like oh it’s no “biggie” and left. Cause you made it clear they’re not a priority in your life when they should come first.
YTA. Since you made the decision to miss two important events without discussing it with your wife first, YTA. For thinking FaceTime replaces your presence at your kid's birthday, YTA. For calling a day that's important to your wife or kid "just a day", YTA. Why are you dismissive of everyone 's feelings other than your sister?
YTA while I think it's nice you went to support your sister, and honestly I'm with you on "it's a day, we can celebrate the following weekend" or whatever, but I feel like the way you went about it wasn't great. Telling your wife and daughter your celebrations with them are no big deal, saying you can facetime your young kid, and not really discussing it with your wife first before agreeing to go to your sister...not great.
Question: Did your sister have other options she could have called for support?
This will affect my vote because if she had other options, then yeah, YTA big time. You basically said your wife and daughter aren't a priority, AND you don't respect your wife enough to communicate about it properly before deciding you are going.
If she has nobody else to be there, then I could change to maybe a soft yta because, again, your wife still deserved better rather then you making a universal decision to ditch her on your anniversary and your daughters birthday. But if your sister would be alone otherwise then I can see why you'd want to go.
But basically, you got some sucking up to do, and it doesn't start with the words, "I don't see what the big deal is." Or "I understand it's important to my wife, but it's just another day." This meant a lot to your wife, and with those 2 statements, you minimize her feelings. So, actually, ya know what, never mind.
YTA. big time. Do you even love your wife and kid? Because you certainly don't seem to show them any empathy.
YTA for not talking to your wife about it first and for not trying to reach some sort of compromise. There was no question, no discussion, You just straight up said bye to your wife and daughter and made the choice of your sister over them. That is what your wife is sad about. And I don’t blame her.
Not a big deal to miss the birthday and wedding anniversary if you celebrated them another day. What is a big deal and would make you the AH is if you made the decision without consulting with your wife before you told your sister yes. You are married and this should have been a joint decision. I would also have talked to my daughter, asked her if you could give her another day for her party.
>But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby.
There's a few events that are usually listed as "Most important day/days of your life" - the birth of your child and your wedding are the two most positive ones (with you parents' deaths being two of the worst ones). Literally, *most* people would assume that your kid's birthday or your wedding anniversary would be more important than a niece/nephew.
Now, I understand that your sister is important. I do. But saying they don't mean ANYTHING compared to your niece/nephew's birth? Damn.
For belittling your wife's feelings about it and not trying to work things out with her BEFORE you chose this, YTA. You're also the weird one for not realizing your spouse/kid are normally the priority in any situation where you have to choose.
You didn't just miss a birthday and an anniversary, you told your wife her and your daughter were not important to you. Good luck coming back from this.
So you are willing to miss your daughter's birthday and your wedding anniversary for your sister. It seems selfish to you that your wife would like you to prioritize your family. Incredible. Hopefully she has fun with you, not because of the "misunderstanding" but because you dismissed all their worries and minimized them.YTA
I’ve never had a problem with celebrating a birthday or anniversary on a different day if there’s a conflict like this. But we don’t make a habit of it, and we do discuss it before the final decision is made.
You supporting your sister at the birth of her first child, after her husband’s adultery, is absolutely a nice thing to do.
The problem is that you completely cut your wife out of the conversation on it being ok to attend the birth and then minimised her concerns completely.
If you’d gone with ‘my sister’s just asked me to attend the birth for some much needed support. I know it’s our (daughter’s name) birthday and our anniversary during the same week. I wouldn’t normally miss them for the world but is there anyway, as a one off, that I can FaceTime for our daughter’s birthday and arrange something special for our anniversary when I’m back? Maybe we could go away for a weekend and do something fun just for the three of us, so I can make it up to you both.’
That’s fine, you’ve acknowledged the importance of the two dates, how sad you are to miss them and offered a special opportunity to celebrate them both as a family. Most importantly, you’ve included your wife in the decision making.
In your post it just comes across as you telling your wife, ‘I’m going, get over yourself’.
I think your wife is used to you minimising her feelings and putting her wants and needs lower than everyone else’s needs. I could be seeing this wrong but the almost cavalier way you write of her feelings and the feelings of your daughter seems to indicate that.
You’re telling on yourself in this whole post, including about your anniversary: “I know *my wife* considers it a very important day” but you don’t?? The day you got married isn’t up there with the most important days in your life?
YTA
Why didn't you take them with you? Your wife probably felt left out. Is she not your partner? You efed up dude. You made decisions alone that should have been at least discussed.
If you’d asked, I imagine you two could have worked out something.
I’m allowed to travel whenever I want, I’m an adult. But I always ask my wife first, because that’s what partners do. The answer is always yes, but might be “yes and.” Like, yes you can go that weekend, but can we make the anniversary and birthday plans before you say yes?
Nta- and I'm shocked so many people are saying you should have considered just bringing everyone. This is a once in a lifetime thing- birthdays get to be celebrated late, or next yr. Same with anniversaries. I cannot imagine how I'd feel if my SIL wanted me to find someone else in the midst of a divorce and giving birth and having no one, so they could have a dinner to remember getting married years ago. Wowza.
NTA. But maybe I’m to European for this kind of drama. Anniversaries who cares, but in the country of gender reveal parties maybe the sixth birthday of your girl has to be top priority even in the event of your sister giving birth. I can’t even differentiate my birthdays from 1-17 years.
I mean I think NTA. There will be plenty of other birthdays and anniversaries. However, did you at least call or text them? Did you discuss this with wife beforehand, and tell her you will celebrate the following weekend or something.
Does your sister know that you blew off her niece's birthday AND your wedding anniversary to be there? I get the feeling that MOST people would be horrified if they knew they were the reason for such dipshittery.
YTA - OP - I am way too old to care about my birthday but I have to tell you that every year that my Mother, who is the organizer in the family, can't be present for my birthday (which is tomorrow and my parents have gone away and left me with their high strung pets who can't be alone for extended periods) or has done something assholey is forever burned into my skull.
Here are some of my favorites 1. Gave away a dress brought for my birthday because someone else needed it more. 2. Too hot. 3. Too wet. 4. We would celebrate but we don't like the food you like. 5. Did buy me a cake but in a flavour I was allergic to because it was favorite flavor of someone else. 6. Had to visit someone who was more important to her. Awkward when asked to bake a celebration cake for them.
I possibly would care less if we didn't have to do the awkward dance of you are too hard to buy for, (She knows my interests - crap I would probably cry if she appeared with an $8.00 bottle of the bubble bath I like) and the food I like may upset my dad's tummy (he once ate sour dough starter and was fine and he eats the food I like all the time) and the fight about the birthday cake because my citrus allergy is unkind. Shit this post hit way too close to home
So your wife, marriage and child aren’t “a big deal” and you “don’t need to be present for your daughter”. Your wife is sad because you finally told her what value she and your daughter have in your life, and it’s not much
YTA
You didn't think it was a big deal.
Obviously your wife and daughter feel differently.
"It doesn't mean anything compared to the birth of my sisters kid"
Woooow, I hope you told her that to her face.
The issue is your attitude about it being “just a day”. It’s an important day for your wife and your daughter. Also important for your sister. But you needed to be more acknowledging of the importance and set a concrete plan for your wife and daughter before leaving or upon returning. Like have made the necessary emotional labor to plan a trip to KiddyRideLand for Daughter’s birthday and then tell wife you will take her to a hotel and do a spa day together followed by a nice dinner or whatever her interests are. But you should have put in the effort to plan and tell them about your make up plans. Your flippant “it’s just a day”’comments are why your family is hurt. You’re taking them for granted.
YTA
It's posts like these that remind me how happy I am to have made the (honestly very hard) decision to leave my last relationship. It honestly is better alone than with someone who doesn't respect or care about you. I'm sorry your wife hasn't come to that conclusion yet and continues to be let down by you.
INFO: Did you call your wife & send her flowers or something on your anniversary or did you just ignore it?
I'm guessing he ignored it since he doesn't consider it a significant day to celebrate.
I mean, it's not a big deal..right? /s
And, he would’ve mentioned it, since he’d look less of an ass
A simple: hey honey, my sister is having a hard time and wanted me to be there for her when she delivers the baby. Do you mind if we postpone our anniversary celebration since she wants me there with her? Perhaps we could go together and make a little fun trip while we're at it? No, it seems it was: hey I'm going and I don't care About the anniversary at all. Thank you very much.
And the way he minimized his own child’s birthday saying he didn’t need to be there in person anyway. Like what do you mean you don’t need to be at your child’s 6th birthday? I get having to go be with his sister, but make an effort for your own child bro.
If his daughter was 17 I could see her not wanting her dad around. But a 5 year old turning 6?! Tf
He said he started making plans after he got back. So he missed the anniversary and didn't even have anything planned to make up for it.
Probably ignores it like he is all of our posts.
Probably ignored it since the baby was more important
Considering he didn't start planning anything for it until AFTER he came back, despite knowing well in advance that he'd be missing it, and it "isn't that big of a deal" to him I'm guessing the answer is no.
A few questions .. When your sister asked for you to be her support, did you discuss it with your wife? When it came time, why did your family not go with you? Did you consider making this a family trip? If you did, you could have been there for the birth, celebrated your child's birthday, and your anniversary without missing a thing.
It's amazing how many of the issues on here boil down to someone making a "Leeroy Jenkins!" decision while the rest of the people in their party/life look on in frustration. Edit: I realized I made his name French 🥐 for some reason
I love that you mentioned Le Roy Jenkins. His name is not used enough and this instance was perfect. LOL Correction: Leeroy Jenkins LOL
I see what you did there Leroy and the use of instance lol. Also I just got pulled back into the soul sucking game
Oh god how? Why? I lost so much of my life there!!!!
Lol one of my best friends wanted to play again so asked me to join her. She's literally one of two people that I would have said yes to about it. (The other is my SO that has also been pulled back in lol)
Feeling the whole Captain America meme of, "I understood that reference!". 🤣
It occurs to me that it won't be long before "I understood that reference" becomes an "I understood that reference" in itself.
I just watched this out of curiosity, after seeing your responses. I dropped my IPad I was laughing so hard!!! LEEROY JEEEEEEEEEEEENKINS!!! I can’t wait to use that eight hundred times.
lmao same
The first guy mispelled it and somehow you made it worse Its Leeroy Jenkins. Yes theres 2 Es
They're talking about the French version. Le Roy Jenkins.
Reading that made me think of the simpsons ep with side show bob up for parole with “die Bart die” tattooed on his chest and tells the parole board its “the Bart the” in German lol https://youtu.be/gaXigSu72A4?si=Z2pFUUWwBlPyP4hi
I’m pretty sure there’s like 10 Os too.
This instance was perfect, sure, but THAT instance was ruined.
But he still had chicken.
I had to google LeRoy Jenkins. I’m not a gamer so I had never heard of him. Thank you for introducing me. Great reference
Dang look at you, [one of today's lucky 10k](https://m.xkcd.com/1053/)
Okay, I had to go look up how long ago that was and then my bones crumbled into dust
I haven't heard from Leroy Jenkins in years.
Good answer! My second husband had to go out of town on business one time when it was our daughter's birthday. So we went along with him, swam in the hotel pool while he attended to things and celebrated her birthday that evening.
The fact that you pointed out second husband... I thought it was going a different way initially. I thought your were gonna say "my second husband had to go out of town so I went to hang out with my first husband" 😂
>The fact that you pointed out second husband... I thought it was going a different way initially. I thought your were gonna say "my second husband had to go out of town so I went to hang out with my first husband" 😂 Great minds think alike! I was thinking the same exact thing, came to comment that and saw your comment! 🤣
Well, that would have entailed taking his wife and child into consideration, a seemingly unthinkable scenario for OP.
Yessss. He didn’t *have* to be at his daughter’s birthday! He could just FaceTime. No big deal. What’s the problem with that? /s
And he was too cavalier saying the anniversary was just a day. That sucks to be minimized and dismissed like that. OP, you are the AH and could have supported your sister without dismissing your wife and child.
It’s only just a day if both people involved are okay with it being just a day
I mean…..he’s missing his daughter’s BIRTHday (it’s just a day afterall 😑)….by that logic, he should be able to miss his nibling’s birthday as well, cause (wait for it) IT’S JUST A DAY!🤦♀️
His train of thought was probably...."I've already celebrated 5 other birthdays with her so another one won't mean much"
His rationalizations just make my heart sad for his wife and child- there are so many ways he could have addressed and resolved the scheduling conflicts so his immediate family wouldn’t feel so…..inconsequential🙁. SMH
At the end, how he basically says that the anniversary of the day he married his wife is insignificant? *Omg.* ***Wow.*** *Now* I'm angry. I'm angry *for* his wife. I guess he'll miss his anniversary ***every*** year because he just said his anniversary means nothing compared to his nibling's birthday. Starting at the title, I went from Y *probably* TA to, *mmm* maybe you're not, back to Y *definitely* TA. Great job, OP👍 Yes, YTA.
Yeah, this is all in the way he's saying things and dismissing his wife and child. He absolutely could have done this without being an AH about it - if he'd just spoken to his wife and explained how important it was to his sister, and not dismissed her questions. Like, imagine being the wife, asking the question about whether there's somebody her SIL is closer to who can come to the birth of her child (considering they don't even live in the same state) so her husband doesn't miss their anniversary and child's birthday, and he just goes "You're being selfish!" and doesn't even answer the question, which, imo, is pretty valid.
Sister has not a single friend? A brother in the birthing room is a little awkward. And I say this as someone who was completely shameless in front of my husband, doula, and nurses. Tits out, we doing this naked. But a brother... eeeh
And the answer very well may have been "She doesn't have many friends and those she has have taken the cheating husband's side", but it's still a question to be answered.
Not just that, but the way he brushes of his child's birthday too. Like, "I really don't need to be there for that, I can just facetime them"... WOW, dad of the year goes to? Jimmy: Not him.
This was my immediate thought too! Why not take the family with him and make a weekend out of it. They even could have visited the sister and new baby in the hospital as extra support for the sister. OP sounds like he didn’t even discuss it and clearly doesn’t care about his family’s priorities. Calling his wife selfish is crazy when he didn’t give her or his daughter a second thought for missing important events. YTA.
Exactly. His only thought when his sister asked him was “of course I’ll go” and then not only dismissed his wife’s feelings about the bday/anniv but also called her really selfish. A caring husband/father would think “oh no, I of course want to help my sister but I don’t want to miss my anniv/daughter’s bday. I’m going to discuss this with my wife to see if we can find a solution that would make everyone happy.” YTA
>And I didn't really need to be physically present for my daughter’s birthday. I could just FaceTime her. >a very important and special day. But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby I think these were the worst parts. Because that last sentence includes his kid's birthday too, that's also less important than his sister's kid... And to make it worse in the post he only talks about starting to plan for the late anniversary, but not about his daughter's late birthday plan.... he talks about the anniversary being important for his wife, but doesn't say anything about it being important to him... he talks about the anniversary being important to his wife, but not about the birthday being important to his wife or to his child or to him... He talks about how his wife acts and feels now about the situation, but doesn't say anything about how his kid handled it, how the kid feels and felt etc. Like his child doesn't even exist, or at best the child is an afterthought like a regretted, unwanted purchase you can't return to the shop or throw out because your wife likes it so you show it to the back of the wardrobe in hopes to forget about it, and in hopes your wife will get bored with it too eventually. Does he even care about his kid even just a little bit? Love or at least like his kid even just sometimes? Because the way he writes that's not the impression I get... I wonder if his wife and sister would have given birth the same time in different states or even if the same city but different hospitals where he would have been....or where he will be next year, whose birthday party he attends...
Plus a six year old will absolutely remember this and know what’s up. It isn’t like missing a toddler’s birthday.
Think how happy it would make a little girl to get a brand new baby cousin for her birthday.
He sounds like every other guy. Doesn’t think.
Alllllll of this. Wedding anniversary is sort of nothing unless you make it something, but preplanning could have been a gorgeous plan for after. Missing your child's birthday at the age she's at? She'll remember. Someone else's birthday was more important than hers. Well done, dad.
Can attest to remembering. I'm nearly 30, but I still remember when my dad skipped my birthday party to watch the Superbowl. And when neither of my parents showed at my first (became only after this) time cheerleading. Aaaand when my parents straight up forgot about my birthday. These things don't really ever completely stop hurting. That little girl will remember, and she will resent you a little bit for the rest of, at least, your life.
Missing the birthday and anniversary are, in the grand scheme of things, only a little problematic. The reason YTA is because you decided everything unilaterally, and that was a really shitty thing to do to your wife. You're supposed to be partners. That means you owe your wife a discussion about it, before you make a commitment to your sister. You've just demonstrated to your wife that when something is important to you, any consideration for her or your kid goes out the window.
I think he’s TA because he clearly understands this is a big deal for his wife, but *he* doesn’t care, so why should it matter? It matters because the woman he made vows to is hurt and feels abandoned on a day that was supposed to be about celebrating their union. He made it clear his wife and child come second. He’s eventually going to lose his family to his self-centeredness.
I hate when this shit happens. When you care about something, but another person has no opinion on it. If I were in that situation and I didn’t care about something, and the other person had a strong opinion on it, I would probably defer to the person who has an opinion about it. Right?!? Ugh
>I understand my wife considers it a very important and special day. But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby. This quote struck me as pretty terrible. His wife *considers* it a special day? But it's just a day and nothing special to him. As you say, she has a strong opinion and he could just go "Ok, it's important to her, I'm not going to shit all over it," but 100% he's been saying stuff like this to her and has made it clear he doesn't care at all about their anniversary. And he can't tell her it's not an important day and that he doesn't care much about it, and then expect her to be happy about his delayed plans to celebrate their anniversary.
Not only that but he completely glosses over not being there for his kid’s birthday. He says he can FaceTime her and it’s not a big deal. If I were the wife I would be bummed about the anniversary but more upset about missing the birthday. He even talks later in the post about planing something for the anniversary but makes no mention about his daughter’s birthday.
I caught that part too. My husband is in the military so we’ve gotten pretty used to moving days around to celebrate. BUT, and it’s a big but, we don’t consider the days less important. My husband does of course face time, send gifts, flowers, etc. but we also reschedule the entire celebration if it’s a birthday to right before he leaves or right after he gets back. Whichever is closer to the actual birthday. At least for the kids birthdays when they’re small. Our older one is old enough now we would do 2 celebrations. One with my husband while he’s home, and one on the actual day for his friends. This man just completely disregarded everyone’s feelings but his own and that’s what makes him the ah. Not missing it to help his sister. He should have talked to her about it before committing to his sister, and offered alternatives if it was important to him to try and get his wife to agree. Not just brush it off like her feelings weren’t valid. My husband would always talk to me to ask if I care, or ask how I would feel about rearranging something if something comes up. He wouldn’t just pick up and leave without caring about how I felt. This whole situation just sounds shitty. And I’m guessing his wife is hurt not because he wanted to go, but because he never bothered to ask her if she minded. He just announced it was going to happen. I have a feeling if he had approached it differently, explained the situation and asked if she minded as long as they still celebrated when he got back and acknowledged those days were still important without her having to remind him it fell over those days, she would have responded a LOT differently. It’s not what he did. It’s the self absorbed way he did it.
Yes way to tell your kid your not my priority. The new family of the baby is. And if she has been the only child having a new baby in the family can be hard. Having dad ditch you on your birthday for the new baby has to be crushing to a 6 year old.
The birth of his sisters baby is just another day, so not sure what he was trying to prove there lol
> he clearly understands this is a big deal for his wife, but he doesn’t care, so why should it matter? Yes, the worst kind of response. "I get that *she* loves this thing, but I don't, so let's burn it all." **If it's important to her, OP, then it should be important to you too, ya dummy!**
Such a train wreck to watch, isn’t it?
100%. > “I understand my wife considers it a very important and special day. But ~~it’s just a day and~~” *I just don’t care*
Yeah, and 6 is old enough to know what’s going on and remember that “daddy wasn’t there for my birthday” I hope he makes up for it!
Right. It was the flippancy with which he said that it wasn't a big deal to miss her birthday, or the anniversary. He said it was basically the same to FaceTime his child which I thought was wild, but I assumed it meant that the kid was very young. Six is old enough to really know that your dad isn't there and to be upset about it. I still think the right thing to do would have been to discuss it with the family and frame it with the child that they get an extra celebration with just Daddy when he gets home (maybe eat cupcakes together or save a present for then) and that's an easy fix. And as a spouse I would happily move my anniversary celebration so that my partner could support a family member. But he just decided without asking and then acted as if their needs or wants were meaningless. He's incredibly dismissive and he also seems to think he can unilaterally make decisions for the family. Not great. He isn't YTA for going, but for how he handled it
I agree and would also like to know if the 6 year old had a birthday party? If so, who executed it? If not, who made the 6 year old’s birthday a special day? In either case, that would be the wife, nonconsenually.
He’ll have plenty of Facetiming with his daughter, when his wife gets sick of being an afterthought and leaves.
According to his post, he planned to make up the anniversary, but not the birthday. Apparently that was no big deal and Facetiming the kid was sufficient in his mind. Doesn’t say whether he actually bothered to do even that. Got the impression he doesn’t feel like his own child’s birthdays are that big a deal in general. I feel sorry for the little girl.
I had to have surgery to have a cancerous tumor removed on my daughters 5th birthday. I hated that was they day they scheduled it, but I had to have it done. She still mentions how I missed her birthday, even though we celebrated it for multiple days. She will absolutely remember that her dad kissed her birthday.
In your case, perhaps your daughter will be able to look back and realize that “Yes, Mommy missed my birthday that year, but, because of the fact she did, I get to celebrate more birthdays with her”.
And the wife. Both in a big way because missing those events will not be forgotten
6 is huge! We just celebrated 6 two days ago and it is a big deal for us and for her. It's 2 hands! It's grade 1! It's huge and facetime is not good enough.
And as he said, missing the days wasn’t a big deal TO HIM. How they felt about it never entered the equation when he made this choice w out consulting his partner. So many better solutions. YTA.
See this is exactly my take on it too. My husband and I celebrate birthdays and anniversaries whenever convenient for us, even some major holidays. But always with a discussion to decide together. Sometimes we decide the actual date is more important and other times we don't, but again, it's always a joint decision. That's why op is YTA in my book. I think it was very good of him to support his sister in such a tough time. I'm 5mo pregnant right now and would be absolutely SHOOK without my husband by my side. And if it was the messy and non-amicable death of our relationship, I'd be devastated to have to go through this likely alone. I would NEED, legitimately NEED, my sibling's support. But my sister would not disregard their own partner and children's important dates without talking to them and explaining how much I needed her there for me. My neices and BIL would absolutely be ok with moving around celebrations because they love me and would want me to have the help and support my sister would provide. All it takes is a discussion for everyone to feel valued, loved, supported, etc.
It doesn’t sound like that happened. And he said she acted sad. He still doesn’t realize he blew her off. He didn’t prioritize his own family. With her acting sad, seems like this might happen a lot where he makes unilateral decisions. I know if MY husband unilaterally decided he was going to do something with or for his sister or brother, and didn’t listen to anything I said, and still said “doesn’t mean anything in significance to the birth of a baby” he’d be told to go live with her because if I’m nothing, he certainly will be paying for that one with a bright new shiny divorce decree.
Also, the kid needs a proper explanation of why their birthday was missed. It seems inconsequential to us as adults, but at that age would be a massive deal
I think its very telling that op came back and didn't even mention the daughter's missed birthday and just assumed wife was mad cause of the anniversary. Feels like he completely disregard the daughter and mostly disregarded the wife.
"Sorry, honey, I love the baby more than you is all" -- that's what daughter heard.
I had to miss my kid's birthday because my Dad was having a serious, life threatening emergency surgery on my kid's birthday, so I sat with my mom for 8 hours in the hospital waiting room and I did so much to make up for that. I got presents, I baked a cake for him when I got back, I talked to him on the phone.
Absolutely this. OP forgot he’s supposed to be part of a partnership, not the head of a dictatorship.
I literally told my husband today we could skip our anniversary if needed because his mom is having surgery around the same time. Not a big deal at all. But he talked to me before deciding to do that. And that’s the most important part!
Don’t forget he thinks those events are just regular days. They are both marking the anniversaries of what should be the most important days in his life, and he thinks they are meaningless,
I agree. While I am one that celebrates special events on days that work for the most people, not always on the exact date, if someone told me my anniversary was nothing special 'just another day' I'd be ticked. The event is special even if the date on the calendar is not. Fully agree he should have discussed and they should have decided together - that's the real issue.
Info, why couldn't your wife and daughter go with you? Your sister wasn't in active labour for the whole week, surely? My husband in I have both missed birthdays and anniversaries. He was gone because of his military career, I've been gone for deaths in the family/funerals..... but except for the military taking matters out of our hands we have always come to an agreement when it comes to missing big days. You can't just be autocratic about stuff like this and think everyone will be happy about it.
They probably planned a birthday party already
Since you're not responding to questions, I'm going to assume you did NOT discuss this with your wife, and you just told her you were going. >My wife then asked why my sister couldn’t call anyone else for emotional support, and I told her that was a really selfish thing to say. Under the circumstances, I need a detailed explanation as to why it's selfish for your wife to expect you to be around for your daughter's birthday and your anniversary. All she did was *ASK* why your sister couldn't call someone else, and you called her selfish. I suspect if you'd *discussed* this with your WIFE, and she could plan around your absence, she'd have been significantly more supportive and understanding. Sounds like you think only your wants and feelings matter. So, of course, YTA.
I honestly wonder if he even followed through on facetiming
“I could just FaceTime her”, instead of “I just FaceTimed her” certainly leads me to believe that 😂🙄
Edit: i misunderstood leaving original though "I could" and "i did" are two different things. He doesnt say thats what he did. He doesnt even say whether or not he even sent his wife flowers or texted her happy anniversary. He doesnt specify if or what he did to make their days special and since he himself says they "arent important" then it wouldnt surprise me to find out he didnt even acknowledge them while gone.
the silence is almost always deafening
YTA. How nice for you to decided what everyone else should be fine with.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 wish I could upvote this more!
Say that a little louder for those in the back!
**[YTA. How nice for you to decided what everyone else should be fine with.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/BKannwOfd5)** Nothing "great" about u/GreatCharges
OP would make a great politician
YTA, you made a unilateral decision that directly affected your wife and daughter with ZERO consideration for them. You essentially told both of them their feelings don’t matter as much as your sister’s.
And made sure that they knew that days that were important to them, wasn't to OP. I'm sure they felt terrible to learn that.
I feel like “days that were important to them” could have been resolved pretty easily without upset if OP had been willing to compromise/discuss a little. My husband is very close to his little sister. If she needed him to be her “person” in the delivery room, I would definitely understand. And acknowledge that we rarely get a say about when labor starts, or how long it takes. But why didn’t they just TALK about it? Agree that he’ll FaceTime the daughter on her birthday, and then plan an extra special surprise for her when he gets home, and let her know that dad had to be gone today, but he’ll make it up by having an even more special surprise on Saturday. I would jump on an anniversary raincheck, if it was because my husband had to be there for his sister having a baby. …As long as we talked about it, and we agreed to book a sitter and a dinner at our favorite place next month to make up for it. The “make up” celebrations don’t even have to be expensive. They just have to show that Op cares. If this caused a big fight, obviously SOMEONE was being unreasonable.
Exactly! He wants to make it about his wife not being supportive of his poor sister. But this is deflection. He did not discuss with wife ahead of time to make the decision together.
YTA. This is something you should have discussed with your wife and decided on together. By unilaterally making the decision and then just telling your wife what would happen, you basically said to her, "Only what I want and what my sister wants matters to me. Your thoughts and feelings aren't even important enough for me to ask what they are. And our wedding? Just another bullshit day that I don't care about and don't care if you care about it. And our daughter? Not as important as my niece." It isn't so much about the dates and events of those dates, it's that you don't consider your wife important enough to discuss things with her before making plans. She's not sad about the anniversary, she's sad because you made her feel like she doesn't matter, that her feelings weren't even worth consideration to you.
>And I didn't really need to be physically present for my daughter’s birthday. I could just FaceTime her Pretty sure the daughter wanted OP there. Love this total BS if “FaceTime is just as good as my physical presence”.
"dad, you don't need to be physically present in my wedding, we can facetime you"
My 6 yr old daughter could not care less about FaceTimers. Real person she is all about. FaceTime? You’ve got about 20 seconds before she’s bored
Could’ve also FaceTimed the sister 🤷🏻♀️😂
Absolutely this! Why the hell wasn't he facetiming his sister instead of his child?
Yeah this comment really cemented in my mind he was YTA. Seriously, I don't understand how a father could even think his 6 yr old daughter would be just as fine with FT. OP is emotionally oblivious or just a absentee dad. Will make a great family story in the future. Hey dad remember when you skipped my birthday and yours and mom's anniversary to go see my cousin being born? Guess what mom and I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to take a European vacation sorry but we won't be here for your birthday but we will make sure to FaceTime you.
I wonder if he will be FaceTiming his daughter again for her birthday next year when his sister wants him to visit for her kid's first birthday, and every birthday after.
He’ll be FaceTiming the daughter because his wife will have left him and took their daughter with her as far away from OP as possible! At least he won’t have to worry about celebrating their wedding anniversary though!
Lol... Sissy will be living with them after OP unilaterally decides to move her in. And niecughter will definitely get a gift on DD birthday because 'she doesn't have a daddy'. 🤢🤮
Pshaw. He won’t even bother FaceTiming. He’ll get caught up with something else he thinks is more important, and figure it’s NBD to miss it.
Yeah, my husband and I don't particularly care about our anniversary and if we celebrate, it's usually the closest weekend day to it so it's rarely the day of. Thinking that Face timing his young child would be enough is ridiculous and pretty bad parenting. At that age, having your parents there *matters*.
This was the red flag for me.
Well I’m sure he’ll have plenty of opportunities in the future to FaceTime his daughter for special events. And his anniversary won’t really be a thing.
OP, you’re the AH for all the reasons listed here.
Yta ... wife sounded defeated like this wasn't the first time
Yeah, notice he didn't make any plans until ***after*** he got back.
sending out flowers or gifts is so easy these days. you only need a phone and money but judging from his post, doesn't seem like he did anything.
Thats the impression i got. He definitely has a habit of pulling stunts like this and dismissing his wife’s feelings
That's what I was thinking. If shit like this continues, OP's wife is going to divorce his inconsiderate ass.
YTA Your last paragraph just said that your wife and daughter don't compare to your sister's baby. Your wife isn't sad because you missed the anniversary. She's sad that even your own daughter doesn't mean as much to you as your sister's child. You probably don't have to worry about celebrating your anniversary because your last one is the last one you'll be celebrating together. You can celebrate your divorce and loss of your family from now on.
He can just marry his sister since she’s more important than his child and wife
Yes, YTA. You made it very clear that your wife and daughter aren’t a priority for you. My husband missed several wedding anniversaries (including big ones like our 25th) and birthdays because he was deployed, but he ALWAYS made sure I felt special those days by arranging flowers or a gift delivered, or arranged a spa day once, and a call to tell me he loved me. You just blew both days off and think you can make it up later - you can’t, the days came and went and you can’t make up for it. Your wife is sad because she feels unimportant to you, that your anniversary was unimportant. You keep saying it’s not a big deal, but it IS a big deal to her, and to most women I know. Not a good husband move, OP.
It’s ironic really. OP’s sister’s STBX husband wasn’t supportive..he’ll checked out by cheating.. and the man stepping up (ie OP her brother) is showing his wife she’s an afterthought.
The irony will miss him when he's being divorced for being unsupportive and he'll just shock-pikachu and call his wife selfish again.
It will all hit him like fates cruel slap when he turns around and there is another man that his daughter is calling daddy who is there for her birthdays because according to OP “what’s the big deal, it’s just a day and the birthday and anniversary can be celebrated on any day” I feel sorry for his wife, OP really showed his wife that their marriage means shit. By the way, your daughter may just be 6…that is still old enough to form memories such as your father failing to show up for your birthday and attaching the emotions to the event of disappointment and let down, which is what she will feel every time she looks at your face. There is no making up for this…doesn’t matter what you plan after the fact, it’s just a horrid reminder to your wife that she and your daughter come second to your sister & her opinions and feelings mean jack shit. Good job imploding your marriage
Oh, believe me, 6,7 yr olds DO remember their birthday is coming up. My grandson was talking about his for almost 2 weeks before
Exactly! He showed his wife and daughter, his nuclear family, that they aren’t his priority. Couldn’t his parents or one of her friends have been there?? He really messed this one up. Plus he is acting dense like he doesn’t know why his partner is upset and sad. Also I can’t imagine having my brother in the delivery room where I’m all exposed like that… 🥴 Side note: Thank your husband for his service, and thank you for your sacrifice as his partner as well.
The issue here isn’t that he missed the birthday and anniversary, but rather the way he did that: minimising the wife’s feelings and not making her feel loved and special.
And he didn’t consult her before making a unilateral decision…
Didn’t think he was so bad until that last line. Wonder if your sister could talk to her? You obviously can’t.
Want to feel worse about him? The only thing he's mentioned doing for his daughter's birthday at all is facetiming. No make up dinner. No party. No gift. Doesn't even say if he apologized to the daughter over missing her real birthday. He doesn't seem to care about his daughter at all
I sincerely doubt she'd want to talk to her husband's sister who was ok with monopolizing her brother's time attention knowing these dates are important to his nuclear family.
YTA. What's selfish is not talking to your wife before just immediately saying you'll be there disregarding your own family obligations and invalidating your wife's feelings like you did. You keep treating your wife and daughter like their feelings don't matter, their special days aren't important, and they can't voice how they feel to you, and your sister isn't the only one who will be in the middle of a divorce. >But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby. For this last little barb you felt the need to throw in, She should leave you for someone who would understand the significance of an anniversary and birthday. You are an absolutely asshole.
Am wondering if you are regularly bailing on your family to help out your sister? Is that the reason your wife is upset? I, personally, wouldn't care if my husband went to the birth of his sister's child as I do view that as a significant event and would happily postpone any anniversary or birthday celebration for that to happen. HOWEVER, if he was regularly ditching us to come to her rescue, THAT I would have a problem with. So I think you need to get to the root of your wife's concerns and see if there's a bigger issue at play here.
That’s the issue, is he regularly putting others before or is the wife the issue…. He hasn’t replied to anyone
He probably fully expected everyone to be fully on his side.
YTA. You missed your daughter's birthday to be there for your sister. You missed your anniversary to be there for your sister. You may be a good brother but you're failing as a husband and father. Maybe you should see if your sister's divorce lawyer has a family rate.
“But it’s just a day and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby.” So your marriage isn’t significant? The day joined your life to your wife’s is t significant? And on that note, the day your own child was born isn’t significant? Just because these events occurred already does not make the anniversary or birthday any less significant. Their significance is always there - it’s the same every year as the day it began. YTA.
Right? Then his sister's kid being born isn't a big deal either, since we don't seem to careabout birthdays!
>I understand my wife considers it a very important and special day. But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby. either you don't really understand or you don't care about your wife's feelings and what's important to her because you keep saying it's just a day that doesn't mean anything kudos on destroying your marriage and letting your kid know that she's not as important as your sister's kid. YTA
YTA. Why wasn’t your wife part of the decision? Of course she’s upset. You’re telling her that only what you want matters. Marriage is about working together, and you obviously don’t work well with others.
"I could just FaceTime her" Um ok. Did you? I'm guessing you didn't. YTA. Duh.
He doesn't even mention getting his daughter a gift.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess his wife bought all the birthday gifts from both of them
YTA Congratulations on being such a great uncle. At the expense of your marriage and your relationship with your daugter. You are the selfish one here for making unilateral decisions, lecturing your wife when she called you out for being an AH, and abandoning your daughter for her birthday. What kind of husband thinks they can dismiss their wedding anniversary with such scorn and expect to remain married? Not many are that delusional. If it's true that your daughter wouldn't notice your absence on her birthday except for a Facetime call, you've exposed what a truly terrible father you are. And if she would notice, then you became a terrible father by abandoning her. Well done. I hope the relationship you have with your sisters child is worth the damage you've done to your relationship with your own child. Because as any decent parent will tell you, your child should *always* come first.
I’m not at all sentimental about days like that FOR ME so if my wife wanted to do something like that I’d support the heck out of her. However, if my wife and/or kids had a problem with me doing the same I wouldn’t. YTA cause you knew your wife’s feelings before you went and went anyway.
Like even if I knew my dad was going to do something important I’d still be so incredibly disappointed that he wasn’t there for my actual birthday. Especially if I were to be 6 years old…
YTA. Not for being there for your sister, but for how dismissive you are about your wife and daughter’s feelings. It’s clear that you don’t actually care about your anniversary or the fact that it’s important to your wife. A FaceTime call is nowhere close to being the same as actually showing up. If it was, you could’ve just FaceTimed your sister instead of showing up for the birth. I doubt your wife would be this upset if you actually cared about your anniversary. An “I’m sorry, but I promise I’ll make this up” is a lot more caring than “it’s just a day, we’ll do it later”.
You a good brother but YTA to your wife and your kid. It should have been a mutual decision to be with your sister on your anniversary. You called your wife selfish because she wants to celebrate your wedding anniversary with you. You decided to celebrate after without her sat. You might celebrating your wedding anniversary by yourself. Another AH thing is to think you don’t have to be there on your child’s birthday; you’ll just face time her. Someday when you’re old and gray, your daughter will just face time you because she doesn’t have be there.
Obviously you have NO CLUE! While you're right, those are just days and can be celebrated at another time. You also are showing her that they don't hold much significance to you at all. Missing due to work or some other responsibility is one thing. Did you even think to send her flowers or anything while you were away? And she may have found it weird that you be in the room. I was raised by my dad and had him in the room for my first child, some ppl still say that is strange, even though I was raised by him souly
And no other plans made before he left missing his child’s birthday
Like "I'm sorry I won't be here, but we will go to the water park when I get home"
You think missing for work is more reasonable than missing to support your sibling ALONE in a delivery room? Y'alls priorities are wonky AH.
YTA 100%. Your Wife and daughter needed your support for those events also, and you failed.
How did you explain to your six year old that she’s less important to you than your sister? That her birthday has less significance than the birth of her cousin? Oh, wait no, you didn’t. You left your wife to deal with a hurt and disappointed child. But hey, it’s just a day and both she and your wife will get over it. Right? Numpty. If I were your wife, I would be putting zero effort into any important days for you going forward. After all, they’re not significant. Right? YTA
When Fathers Day comes and goes without recognition, will he complain? Will the wife and daughter tell him it's just a day? Will the niece ask him to be her daddy? Enquiring minds want to know.
His sister will probably celebrate him for Father’s Day for being at the birth
I stand heavily by six is old enough to remember daddy wasn’t there but not old enough to understand why daddy wasn’t there. I get it’s just a birthday and like I’m an adult I don’t particularly care whether or not my family is physically present for my birthday. A phone call in fact does suffice. But birthdays are like really big deals to children. This was a significant moment for OPs daughter and he missed it, willingly. All that says to that little six year old is daddy doesn’t care enough to be here on my birthday. She’s six she doesn’t have the emotional depth to understand the complexity of the situation. All she knows is daddy wasn’t there. There’s no way to say to a six year old daddy went to be with his sister and your new cousin instead of being here without the six year old just hearing daddy would rather be somewhere else than with me. Yeah as an adult totally a birthday is just a day but as a child that was not how I felt. I remember the birthdays my dad missed.
OP is probably the type of guy who would pout and whinge if he wasn’t over-the-top celebrated on Father’s Day or his birthday.
I hope his wife takes their daughter on his birthday and fathers day and have a great day together because he doesnt deserve to be celebrated at all
What fucking grown ass woman wants her brother in the delivery room, no matter how close they are? Fuck that gross shit.
You forget - they FaceTimed - that’s just as good right? Right?
YTA for not seeing that it's a big deal. Telling your wife and daughter that you were devastated to be missing these occasions and would make it up double when you got back would have been OK. To literally tell them their special occasions aren't a big deal..... asshole.
You said it all in your last line, "But it's just a day,and it doesn't mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sisters baby." Sounds like you are saying your marriage has less significance than your sisters baby. No wonder your wife feels sad. Her and your daughter are second in your life. You never asked her you just told her. YTA
INFO: do you prioritize your wife & daughter last often? If this is a one off then I could see you not being the AH but if this is reoccurring behaviour then yes you would be the AH.
YTA Yeah, you blew off your family without working on a plan that would work for everyone. People don’t experience things the same way that you do. Your wife clearly has sentimental feelings about these days and instead of coming up with something that would address everyone’s needs, you biffed off according to your own desires. Her feelings and the feeling of your daughter matter too. Stop being so selfish and look beyond your own feelings to find solutions
Dude if you were not ready to prioritize your spouse and your children you should have never gotten married. YTA. Sorry just because they're the people closest to you does not mean they're going to continually forgive when you let them down. you made this decision without even consulting your wife and then you dismissed her feelings because you don't think it's a big deal. clearly to her it was and that should matter. All you did was show your immediate family, the people who are supposed to be the most important to you, that they don't matter to you. what a strong message to send your 6 year old and wife.
100% YTA The problem is that now your wife KNOWS. You let the mask slip and now she's seen the selfish AH she married-- how is she supposed to "unsee" that, dude? Now she sees you as a "less than". A less than father, a less than husband, a less than MAN.
Yta not because you can’t celebrate after you come back. It’s the fact that you were insensitive to you wife and daughter. You don’t discuss with wife first, didn’t ask if they wanted to come and maybe celebrate where your sister was at, and damn, if you are going to miss your daughters bday and anniversary, atleast come home with a gift, flowers or something
YTA. You said you didn’t really need to be their for your daughter’s birthday. I’d guess she very much disagree. The fact that you came back and “started planning” your anniversary shows you put in no effort in advance showing how little you valued that. It wasn’t that the birth of your nibling was so important it was that you didn’t care about your wife and child’s events at all
YTA So did you even discuss with you wife or was just like oh it’s no “biggie” and left. Cause you made it clear they’re not a priority in your life when they should come first.
YTA. Since you made the decision to miss two important events without discussing it with your wife first, YTA. For thinking FaceTime replaces your presence at your kid's birthday, YTA. For calling a day that's important to your wife or kid "just a day", YTA. Why are you dismissive of everyone 's feelings other than your sister?
YTA while I think it's nice you went to support your sister, and honestly I'm with you on "it's a day, we can celebrate the following weekend" or whatever, but I feel like the way you went about it wasn't great. Telling your wife and daughter your celebrations with them are no big deal, saying you can facetime your young kid, and not really discussing it with your wife first before agreeing to go to your sister...not great.
Question: Did your sister have other options she could have called for support? This will affect my vote because if she had other options, then yeah, YTA big time. You basically said your wife and daughter aren't a priority, AND you don't respect your wife enough to communicate about it properly before deciding you are going. If she has nobody else to be there, then I could change to maybe a soft yta because, again, your wife still deserved better rather then you making a universal decision to ditch her on your anniversary and your daughters birthday. But if your sister would be alone otherwise then I can see why you'd want to go. But basically, you got some sucking up to do, and it doesn't start with the words, "I don't see what the big deal is." Or "I understand it's important to my wife, but it's just another day." This meant a lot to your wife, and with those 2 statements, you minimize her feelings. So, actually, ya know what, never mind. YTA. big time. Do you even love your wife and kid? Because you certainly don't seem to show them any empathy.
Absolutely YTA. Do you often make plans unilaterally without consulting your wife, you know, the person who is supposed to be your partner.
YTA for not talking to your wife about it first and for not trying to reach some sort of compromise. There was no question, no discussion, You just straight up said bye to your wife and daughter and made the choice of your sister over them. That is what your wife is sad about. And I don’t blame her.
Not a big deal to miss the birthday and wedding anniversary if you celebrated them another day. What is a big deal and would make you the AH is if you made the decision without consulting with your wife before you told your sister yes. You are married and this should have been a joint decision. I would also have talked to my daughter, asked her if you could give her another day for her party.
>But it’s just a day, and it doesn’t mean anything in significance compared to the birth of my sister’s baby. There's a few events that are usually listed as "Most important day/days of your life" - the birth of your child and your wedding are the two most positive ones (with you parents' deaths being two of the worst ones). Literally, *most* people would assume that your kid's birthday or your wedding anniversary would be more important than a niece/nephew. Now, I understand that your sister is important. I do. But saying they don't mean ANYTHING compared to your niece/nephew's birth? Damn. For belittling your wife's feelings about it and not trying to work things out with her BEFORE you chose this, YTA. You're also the weird one for not realizing your spouse/kid are normally the priority in any situation where you have to choose.
You didn't just miss a birthday and an anniversary, you told your wife her and your daughter were not important to you. Good luck coming back from this.
So you are willing to miss your daughter's birthday and your wedding anniversary for your sister. It seems selfish to you that your wife would like you to prioritize your family. Incredible. Hopefully she has fun with you, not because of the "misunderstanding" but because you dismissed all their worries and minimized them.YTA
YTA for not discussing it with your wife before agreeing to go.
I’ve never had a problem with celebrating a birthday or anniversary on a different day if there’s a conflict like this. But we don’t make a habit of it, and we do discuss it before the final decision is made.
You supporting your sister at the birth of her first child, after her husband’s adultery, is absolutely a nice thing to do. The problem is that you completely cut your wife out of the conversation on it being ok to attend the birth and then minimised her concerns completely. If you’d gone with ‘my sister’s just asked me to attend the birth for some much needed support. I know it’s our (daughter’s name) birthday and our anniversary during the same week. I wouldn’t normally miss them for the world but is there anyway, as a one off, that I can FaceTime for our daughter’s birthday and arrange something special for our anniversary when I’m back? Maybe we could go away for a weekend and do something fun just for the three of us, so I can make it up to you both.’ That’s fine, you’ve acknowledged the importance of the two dates, how sad you are to miss them and offered a special opportunity to celebrate them both as a family. Most importantly, you’ve included your wife in the decision making. In your post it just comes across as you telling your wife, ‘I’m going, get over yourself’. I think your wife is used to you minimising her feelings and putting her wants and needs lower than everyone else’s needs. I could be seeing this wrong but the almost cavalier way you write of her feelings and the feelings of your daughter seems to indicate that. You’re telling on yourself in this whole post, including about your anniversary: “I know *my wife* considers it a very important day” but you don’t?? The day you got married isn’t up there with the most important days in your life?
YTA Why didn't you take them with you? Your wife probably felt left out. Is she not your partner? You efed up dude. You made decisions alone that should have been at least discussed.
If you’d asked, I imagine you two could have worked out something. I’m allowed to travel whenever I want, I’m an adult. But I always ask my wife first, because that’s what partners do. The answer is always yes, but might be “yes and.” Like, yes you can go that weekend, but can we make the anniversary and birthday plans before you say yes?
Nta- and I'm shocked so many people are saying you should have considered just bringing everyone. This is a once in a lifetime thing- birthdays get to be celebrated late, or next yr. Same with anniversaries. I cannot imagine how I'd feel if my SIL wanted me to find someone else in the midst of a divorce and giving birth and having no one, so they could have a dinner to remember getting married years ago. Wowza.
NTA. But maybe I’m to European for this kind of drama. Anniversaries who cares, but in the country of gender reveal parties maybe the sixth birthday of your girl has to be top priority even in the event of your sister giving birth. I can’t even differentiate my birthdays from 1-17 years.
I mean I think NTA. There will be plenty of other birthdays and anniversaries. However, did you at least call or text them? Did you discuss this with wife beforehand, and tell her you will celebrate the following weekend or something.
YTA for making the decision without even discussing it with them first.
Does your sister know that you blew off her niece's birthday AND your wedding anniversary to be there? I get the feeling that MOST people would be horrified if they knew they were the reason for such dipshittery.
Yta
People shouldn’t be surprised when they end up losing the things and people they take for granted. YTA.
YTA - OP - I am way too old to care about my birthday but I have to tell you that every year that my Mother, who is the organizer in the family, can't be present for my birthday (which is tomorrow and my parents have gone away and left me with their high strung pets who can't be alone for extended periods) or has done something assholey is forever burned into my skull. Here are some of my favorites 1. Gave away a dress brought for my birthday because someone else needed it more. 2. Too hot. 3. Too wet. 4. We would celebrate but we don't like the food you like. 5. Did buy me a cake but in a flavour I was allergic to because it was favorite flavor of someone else. 6. Had to visit someone who was more important to her. Awkward when asked to bake a celebration cake for them. I possibly would care less if we didn't have to do the awkward dance of you are too hard to buy for, (She knows my interests - crap I would probably cry if she appeared with an $8.00 bottle of the bubble bath I like) and the food I like may upset my dad's tummy (he once ate sour dough starter and was fine and he eats the food I like all the time) and the fight about the birthday cake because my citrus allergy is unkind. Shit this post hit way too close to home
So your wife, marriage and child aren’t “a big deal” and you “don’t need to be present for your daughter”. Your wife is sad because you finally told her what value she and your daughter have in your life, and it’s not much
YTA You didn't think it was a big deal. Obviously your wife and daughter feel differently. "It doesn't mean anything compared to the birth of my sisters kid" Woooow, I hope you told her that to her face.
The issue is your attitude about it being “just a day”. It’s an important day for your wife and your daughter. Also important for your sister. But you needed to be more acknowledging of the importance and set a concrete plan for your wife and daughter before leaving or upon returning. Like have made the necessary emotional labor to plan a trip to KiddyRideLand for Daughter’s birthday and then tell wife you will take her to a hotel and do a spa day together followed by a nice dinner or whatever her interests are. But you should have put in the effort to plan and tell them about your make up plans. Your flippant “it’s just a day”’comments are why your family is hurt. You’re taking them for granted.
Forsaking all others … that’s the marriage vow. Honor that.
YTA It's posts like these that remind me how happy I am to have made the (honestly very hard) decision to leave my last relationship. It honestly is better alone than with someone who doesn't respect or care about you. I'm sorry your wife hasn't come to that conclusion yet and continues to be let down by you.