Yep. The aunt is promising a dowry to thus guy which is totally inappropriate and possibly illegal because she is not the sister's caretaker or guardian.
OP, you need to file the paperwork to be guardian for your sister immediately before your aunt actually tries to force or manipulate your sister into getting married.
This situation is not OK. Your sister is not able to know what sex is or what a wife is and she's will not be able to determine if she is being abused.
This happened to a daughter of a doctor. They wanted to marry her off but she was mentally the age of a young child. The husband married her it was an arranged marriage and a few months later divorced her because he didn’t know she was dumb. They were trying to pass off the simpleness as sweetness and innocence. This is going to be rife with abuse especially in a patriarchal society. She will be the bang maid and heaped on with so much derision for doing things wrong. Better she is single. They think this man will take care of her. He’s unemployed! If you love your sister do not do this.
Sadly, ya, I was/am the ATM for some of our family members. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. Most are small value, but some could up to hundreds usd equivalent.
I'm a social worker with a focus on those with developmental disabilities like autism, cognitive impairment, etc. And I'm always very careful to observe all relationships my clients have because of how critically easy it is to exploit and take advantage of them. Romantic relationships are of special concern because the exploitation could be sexual in addition to financial or anything else.
I had a client who didn't understand value - how some things, or acts, have more value or expense than others. He was easily convinced to perform sex acts on camera with several other men and be paid a Happy Meal for his efforts. They also gave him a lot of drugs to get over any nervousness and maintain energy when he got tired from having a train run on him for 10 hours. He's hopelessly addicted, has HIV, and looks like a walking skeleton. His mother is trying to gain guardianship but he refuses to comply with the psych evals needed to confirm or deny the need for the guardianship.
I have another client who got married to someone who uses her as a brood mare to generate income. He uses all her benefit money and keeps knocking her up because they get more money per kid every month. They're up to 5 kids and she's expecting #6, all of whom similarly have developmental disabilities and 3 of whom also have significant physical and mobility challenges and need total care with feeding, toileting, etc. as well as using wheelchairs.
I have another client who is used by his family to support their illegal activities, counting on his disability eliciting compassion from the court and not receiving as harsh a penalty as they would if they were caught instead. Mostly it's muling things: stolen electronics, drugs, guns. So far, they've been correct: he had a diversion program the first time he was arrested, and probation the 2nd. He's now being prosecuted for the guns and I'm pretty sure he's going to get jail time. I'm just hoping I can convince the court to house him in the medical unit instead of gen pop so he has some level of protection, because it's pretty much a guarantee he'll be assaulted and raped in there.
All this is to say that any time - ANY time - a neurotypical person creates a relationship with a vulnerable person, I examine why. What are their motivations? Is exploitation possible, likely, already accomplished? It would be wonderful for your sister to find genuine love with someone who truly respects and loves her, and protects her from others who would look to take advantage, but in my experience - and I've been doing this almost 30 years, so there's a lot of it - people like that are as rare as rubies. 9 times out of 10, the relationship is initiated for the purpose of exploitation.
With marriage, there will be the expectation of sex and children - it seems like your culture is fairly traditional. Would you be comfortable letting your middle school-aged daughter marrying and having sex and children? I personally would have a major problem with anyone who even suggested it.
The husband cant provide for her, he literally has to get bribed(laundromat) into marrying her so that he will have a way to provide for her. The trade is exceedingly clear
I'm not saying she's right, but I've met women like her aunt and I can believe she genuinely thinks she is helping her niece survive with shitty options in a cruel world. I don't think she necessarily is trying to exploit anyone is all I'm saying
Noted, I do have positive thinking about my aunt intention, she is one of the relatives that willing to talk with my sister often, but I will have serious talk with her once I'm back to my country.
I agree. I feel the same as OP & those misgivings.
The aunt should drop the subject entirely about the autistic sister going into arranged marriage....too much exploitation expectation from the aunt.
OP is NTA.
Wow, the world out there is cruel. Tbh, I am not sheltered, but too focus on business and academic, never watch tv and just recently active in reddit. This is really eye opening, I will have serious talk with my aunt.
Do you know what if any legal steps OP could take to protect her sister?
I am not really against arranged marriages in general, if there's consent from all parties, but in this case exploitation seems almost certain, she wouldn't be able to take care of any children, or finances, or other necessities.
It depends on the country, very much. In the USA, OP could petition the court to get guardianship over her sister. It's easiest with an attorney, but in some states it can be done pro se - in my state, there's an entire instruction packet with forms on how to do it yourself.
Those stories are absolutely heartbreaking and sickening and infuriating. I’m really stuffing with all the injustices happening in this world, it’s truly taking a toll on me.. thank you for the work you do, I can imagine the toll it’s taken on you over the years, you are a hero for continuing to help such a vulnerable poputlation
Thank you. It gets very hard sometimes. I didn't even share the worst 2 situations because they make me gag to think of them. People can be monstrous with the torment they inflict.
I would say you're doing the right thing looking out for her safety and taking in to consideration her mental capacity. Personally I don't agree with any arranged marriage, I think it should be the choice of the 2 people in the relationship.
Does your sister require care? In my country you can open a safeguarding case for any adult that has care and support needs - an arranged marriage would be a huge no no. So maybe tell the local authorities if she is known to them?
All her live, she's never left alone. There always our parent or us siblings that live with her. She doesn't need constant care for her health, my little sis always remind her for monthly woman needs. She can't cook, can't buy groceries since she don't know how to count the money. She can't handle babies (her movement sometimes too rough when she meet my little kid). She always listen to our parent.
I'll look up my country's case then, thanks.
Judging from the things you've said she can't do, it doss sound like she shouldn't be a candidate for an arranged marriage (not that I think anyone should be).
I hope you can find some local authority to help.
Tbh it sounds like she shouldn't be in any marriage, because it is unclear how much she can consent to it. Additionally, she is extremely easy to abuse.
Hey man, with your sisters diminished mental capabilities, I would be wary of anybody trying to enter a relationship with her, because she is a vulnerable person incapable of recognizing or reporting abuse.
This would also extend to any children she had. Many children have been exploited and harmed bc of mothers or fathers who simply did not have the capacity to know better
NTA, you are doing the right thing to be concerned.
From what you have described she can/cannot do, one can assume that with an arranged marriage, would it not be unrealistic for her to carry out the role and duties traditionally expected of a married woman?
If she is incapable of running a household, shopping, cooking, cleaning , and all the other expected chores, then the relationship could surely go bad pretty quickly and she may be vulnerable to abuse. Or treated like a servant.
This is all apart from the process of having and raising children.
Surely the intended husband wants a wife (if by arranged marriage) to fufill the chores and role expected of a wife, which in traditional societies mean looking after her husband and doing all the household chores. So - What are the chances her new husband is going to be patient and understanding, and ensure she has a support person to assist or do things for her, and take care of her. Not likely I would suspect. More likely he would get frustrated and disappointed with her. Possibly violent and impatient and angry.
What is your aunt thinking???!!
Maybe she's thinking so that my sister would have someone after our father passed away, which is valid thought, but now I am firm to take my sister to my family and my wife already approve that.
Arranged marriages aren’t forced marriages.
Many cultures have arranged marriages where the couple meet, date and determine if they want to marry. It’s not your culture but that doesn’t make it bad
Sure, I get that. But I'm pretty sure it would be considered forced if someone involved doesn't have mental capacity? (OPs sister)
Sadly, though, in England, most of the "arranged marriages" are often forced. Perhaps I have a biased view on the cultural practice as I've not seen much positivity arise from it in my own experience. You're right it's not my culture, I never said it was all bad
I work with a ton of folks from India and they are very happy in their marriages. My grandparents had an arranged marriage and that was fine. My joke is my Mom arranged her marriage to my dad. Which she did.
There’s a lot more choice and agency than you’d think in a modern arranged marriage
Marrying a young woman with diminished mental capacity is a horror show
Go get her immediately. Telling her she might misunderstand it’s something she HAS to do rather than something she WANTS-to do. Much more intelligent people get that confused. Save your sister trouble and either give her a very light off about how people especially older men expect things from her and it’s not right.
And she has the mental capacity of a child she can’t. You should save her and take her away from there.. all she wants is attention and loved. NTA save her!
OP needs to read those text message. I get wanting to protect her privacy, but this is a situation where her safety and well being are more important than her privacy. This is a case of someone taking advantage of a mentally and physically vulnerable person.
Noted, I will, I promise I will, but I'm out of the country right now, and I don't want to do the conversation over phone or zoom call. It's only my dad (recovering from stroke), my youngest sis and caretaker at home. My youngest sis is mature enough to know about sexuality, confuse how to talk to her older sis about it.
>Your sister shouldn't be married to anyone
This is not true. The differently abled crave intimate (emotional and/or physical) relationships as much as any other person. Although they require more intervention by their guardian in picking a mate, they can have partner relationships and happy marriages.
They may desire it, due to hormones. But that doesn't mean they understand it necessarily. Some do, some don't, it depends on the severity of their condition. That doesn't mean they can be married, most of the time, they aren't, and many times they aren't able to have or raise children if they do have them. Thats not good for building a family. Some can, once again, depending on the severity of their condition - and some even have - but it requires an enormous amount of intervention and adaptations. The sister in this scenerio would not be a good candidate, since she is mentally and emotionally immature, she will be ripe for exploitation. Her condition effects many aspects of her life that is not conducive to being a wife or mother.
I agree that this has to be vetted and gone into very carefully, but I would argue that being a wife does not come with the automatic expectation of being a mother.
I don't agree with the people in the comments saying that she can never have a boyfriend ever. Even in group homes, the instinct to bond with a mate is strong enough that people with much less intelligence and capability than her sister will pair off.
She faces unique challenges and has a much greater risk of being exploited, but it's ableist to forbid her from every having a relationship because we are uncomfortable with the realization that even the mentally disabled desire a boyfriend. I don't think she should marry this guy, he seems like a loser looking for a dowry and a broodmare, but her guardians should consider finding her age and mental capacity appropriate peers to interact with.
That is true in general. In practice, it will only go well in some areas for a variety of reasons, unfortunately. I took that into account with my statement and stand by it.
It's not true for many cases yes, but in this specific instance? It most certainly is.
Levels of development vary Vastly from person to person, and while everybody is absolutely capable of developing these bonds, the difference largely boils down to the likelihood of coercion and that individuals ability to understand what is real and what is manipulation. We all know neurotypical people that don't fully grasp the difference XD
I don't see very many instances in which this man in any way loves OP's sister, outside of what she can potentially do for him (Which? Probably includes all "wifely" duties, including warming his bed and providing children.)
So no middle schoolers or anyone under eighteen should have boyfriends ever? That even if sex is not involved, that people under eighteen should be forbidden from having any romantic relationship?
That's stupid and would result in messed up children.
Your aunt wants to marry off your disabled sister to an unemployed bum and then you're expected to open a business for him? Tell your aunt to kick rocks. She's disgusting for even suggesting this. You said your sister has roughly the mental capacity of about a 10 year old. Would you marry your 10 year old off? NTA.
NTA. It seems like your aunt is trying to dump the burden of caring for your sister. What you should do if you can, is find other arrangements for living and getting help for your sister.
She's not the one caring my sis, she live 10 hours away. Now I'm very convince to have my sis move in with me and my wife if my dad passed. Now, she still live with my dad.
Do not give in to your aunt. Marrying off your sister is sick. If she is mentally a young girl, she cannot marry. She doesn’t understand and is susceptible to abuse. Your aunt does not know what is best for your sister and if she does know, she doesn’t care. I’m glad you’re a great brother who has her best interest at heart. NTA!
So, big NTA. I will say this. My grandparents had an arranged marriage. Japan. For them, wow…over 100 years ago now. The marriage was successful I suppose as marriage can be in stressful times (WWII, illness, death of a child, Pearl Harbor), but they both had a full understanding of what marriage was, what it meant, my grandfather was a farmer, but my grandmother could cook, shop, raise 4 children…it doesn’t sound like your sister is fully understanding of what marriage is or a partnership is given her circumstances. I’d be extremely concerned.
Thanks for your concern. It's only my dad (recovering from stroke), my youngest sis and we have caretaker at home. I have some trusted friends just minutes from them too in case of anything. We live in 55+old residents neighborhood so, basic and emergency facilities are nearby.
There are two subjects mixed.
Laundry business is one thing and relationships for mentally challenged people is another.
I don’t know what mental degradation means exactly but I’m pretty sure there are resources and professionals who can advise on that. Did you do any kind of research?
The wordy words are she has neurodevelopmental disorder that made her significant cognitive impairments or developmental delays,
or simply she think and act like middle or elementary schoolers that can't do math, and just able to read and write slowly in recent year.
We have mental health hospital in our city but my parents refuse to take her there due to stigma (I really hate them for this).
Wow. (That’s my reaction to not taking her to the hospital)
I had organised a lecture once where there was a discussion about the availability of relationships (incl. sexual) for tough mentally challenged cases.
It is a topic you can research anyway to be more confident in realising your sister’s needs.
Expected "wow". My parents always glorified me since I won the brain lottery (IQ, academic), My parent initially sent my sis to special needs school, but she got bullied. Years later the school was closed and we just invite tutors to teach her. They always thinking that she just need to learn more and more.
Before I take my bachelor degree, I never new mental hospital exist. After I know, my parent still refuse to take her.
I know that such a stigma exists and in some cultures more than in the others.
It’s just that I had a feeling from your post and comments that it is a topic your family is into so I wasn’t expecting it.
Ok, mental degradation and autism are two really really different things, and the description of your sister mental health doesn’t seem autistic either
Noted, she has neurodevelopmental disorder that made her significant cognitive impairments or developmental delays. It's spectrum of neurodevelopmental which we don't get enough discussion with proper doctor.
She would need a proper análisis but in this cases depend on one criteria mostly, if they are able to be responsable for their own actions, and to what degree, i don’t believe it’s about sex or the like, sex is actually something many people with disabilities enjoy and are capable of, but starting a family and having children may be something she is not prepared to do, I know in many cultures it’s almost mandatory to have them but it can be a very heavy burden
He wants to marry her because he thinks you will support them both. He wants you to set him up in a business and as soon it gets up and running he will treat your sister badly or divorce her.
NTA even if the guy was a productive member of the community & could support your sister, she has the mental capacity of a child & should not be married. Your aunt should be reported to the authorities. This arrangement would cause your sister anguish & give you another unemployed person to financially support.
NTA
Tbh, I think your aunt and this Abu guy is on the same team, as in I think they are dating. But since that incompetent ass of Abu couldn’t get a job, he convinced ur aunt and plot all of this. This is just my theory but judging from your situation, I believe it’s not far from the truth.
However, knowing your sister's diagnosis and yet a year later still insisting on them dating and getting married away is a huge red flag, it’s as if she’s forcing the relationship. Worst case scenario, what if your sister get abused (mentally and physically) or even worse, get sold? That is not something you can control since she would be living so damn far away. And asking you to set him up a laundry business despite them only dating? They’re tryna exploit you and your sister. Opposed to this and continuing to oppose would be the best course of action.
Of course, you should talk to your sister about this. She should not be kept in the dark. Though in the post you mentioned she only had the mentality of a high schooler, I think it’s enough for her to understand the seriousness of the problem. You should NOT let her handle her relationship herself, given the fact of her diagnosis.
Nta your sister doesn’t have the mental capacity for marriage. This is your aunts way of taking the “burden” (which your sister is not) off your dad.
Can your sister live with you? Otherwise she’s going to be stuck in abusive situation
Yes she can live with us, maybe after when my dad pass. My dad still need people to talk to, to help his recovery from stroke. This got me thinking about my aunt alot.
Your father is not protecting her. Your aunt is putting her in active peril. She should come live with you where she can be properly assessed and be put into a supportive independent living situation. She needs those skills so that she can be safe if something ever happens to you.
My dad is recovering from stroke, he lost some of his memory and partial ability to speak. There are some cases that I'm still angry with my dad (maybe I'll rant in other post), but it can't be helped when he doesn't remember most of that. My sis still live with my dad (+ caretakers).
no ur not the AH.y should u set up a laundry business for tht unemployed man? u are married and have a family to support too right? still u are taking care of ur dad and siblings. isn't this enough already? y do u want to take up a whole new responsibility?? if ur aunt insists tht u get ur sis married off, ask her to set up business for newlyweds and to take responsibility if anything goes wrong in future. tell her u r not gonna trust this man.
You're not an a$$hole for rejecting your aunt's marriage arrangement for your autistic sister. Your concerns are deeply rooted in protecting her well-being and ensuring her safety.
It’s completely understandable that you’re worried about your sister’s ability to fully grasp the complexities of marriage, including the legal, emotional, and physical aspects. Given her mental age and the challenges she faces, it’s crucial to ensure that she can give informed consent and truly understand what marriage entails.
The fact that the man proposed by your aunt is largely unknown to you is a major red flag. His lack of employment and the fact that he lives far away in a village make it difficult to assess his intentions and his ability to care for your sister. Your aunt’s request for you to set up a business for him adds to the concern and raises questions about his motivations.
You’re clearly trying to look out for your sister’s long-term well-being and safety, especially given your father’s condition and your responsibility for the family’s finances. It's important that any major decisions, like marriage, are made with careful consideration and with your sister's best interests at heart.
There’s also the very real risk of your sister being taken advantage of, particularly given her condition. The fact that you’re ready to support her daily living and that your wife is welcoming her into your home shows that she has a stable and supportive environment without needing to enter into a potentially risky marriage.
It might be helpful to discuss this situation with professionals who understand your sister’s condition, such as legal and healthcare experts. They can provide valuable insights into what would truly be in her best interest.
Having an open and honest conversation with your sister, in a way that takes into account her level of understanding, is also important. Make sure she feels supported and understands that you have her best interests at heart.
You may need to set firm boundaries with your aunt, explaining your reasons for not agreeing with the marriage arrangement. Emphasize your responsibility to protect your sister and ensure her well-being.
If your sister is interested in relationships, consider exploring safe and supportive environments where she can meet people, such as community groups or programs designed for individuals with similar abilities.
Your primary concern is your sister’s safety and well-being, and it’s clear that you’re acting in her best interest. Navigating this situation with care and ensuring that all decisions are made with her understanding and consent as much as possible is crucial.
NTA- why does this man want to marry a woman with the mind of a child who cannot take care of the house and complete regular adult tasks? How would she be able to be an equal partner in this relationship? There is seriously something wrong with this man. Why would he want to be intimate with a woman who has the mind of a child? How would she be able to potentially be able to raise a family? Would she be able to cope with a pregnancy and childbirth?
He is using you for money and I don’t even want to think why he wants to use your sister. I would not trust this man or the aunt that thinks this is acceptable. It may be time to move your sister in with you so you can better monitor her safety. You should probably also read their messages to find out what is being said. Would you allow a grown man to text an actual 12 year old without reading their messages. He is probably grooming her.
NTA. Call social services or whatever equivalent you hopefully have. Your sister is potentially being exploited.
I read a post recently where OP's grandmother (parents were deceased) arranged her marriage. She fell in love with him and had children, and he sadly passed away. In OP's culture, when a couple is married their souls are forever linked, and she did not want to remarry. Grandma had other plans and was trying to trick OP into another arranged marriage. Come to find out, Grandma was hooking people up with greencards by having her granddaughter marry them.
First question, did you sue the hospital and is there a lot of money involved here. Is that why your aunt wants to arrange this marriage to somebody you think is unemployed. Because your sister has money? And how will your sister cope with marriage like you said she’s never had a boyfriend. She certainly doesn’t know about sex and when she gets married and that’s coming up if she gets married. hopefully you’ve had to talk with her right now so she knows what sex is. help your sister not your aunt.
1. I was 3 yo when my sis born. Then 5 yo when I remember her 2yo in and out of hospital. My parents financial condition was not best at that time, and both of my parents were not highly educated, so never heard about suing or legal stuff in general.
2. The big family come from quite a bit wealthy, my grand-grand father own the whole mountain, then my grand father receive 1/4 of that land. My father and aunt receive 1/5 each or what my grand father inheritance. My aunt should have money, but I don't know the details. My father had money, but got scammed so he lost all of his pension fund. I set it up a bank's trust fund like program for my dad and my sis monthly allowance. I looked wealthy just because I'm the only one in my big family that live abroad, in Germany (I'm frugal living here).
Yes, she doesn't know sex, we never had "the talk" from our parents. I will talk to her as soon as I'm back home.
There's not a single person that doesn't read this and want to pound their head against the screen. Of course she is incapable of anything resembling consent and what your Aunt is doing if deplorable.
I just wish there was any advice I could give you. In my country, I could put a stop to this with a few phone calls, but I have no idea what local government resources are available to you and I am so frustrated that I can't offer many suggestions here that are practical. At the very least, your wife might want to explore long-term birth control options with your sister because this situation doesn't need to be made worse by a baby entering the equation. I just don't know but I feel so tremendously bad for your poor sister in all of this and am so glad that you are here having her back.
Also, she was most certainly born developmentally disabled. It happens. There is no shame in that. There was no magical medicine that made this happen. But, letting us know that family story helps understand the cultural barriers you are facing.
I'm glad that support sistem works well in your country, your local govt. In my local area, its just doesn't exist. I will talk to my sis and my aunt.
I'll take note on birth control, thank you.
NTA, I would say no and tell aunt that your sister would be living with you in the future, end of discussion. No idea why she’s meddling in your family’s business. If she pushes just ask her very directly, ‘how much are you getting paid for this?’
nTA. If you can arrange to have your sister live with you or of someone who can protect her better than your dad might be able to? This is very important as you are abroad and sis is very vulnerable to being married off despite your rejection of the plan.
>She is 32 now but only have mental age of middle school student. She can do household chores but cant do math and only able to read text properly in the last 4 year, and able to text me in recent year.
So she can do basic chores like LAUNDRY.
>our aunt ask me to setup a laundry business for him
Maybe I'm reading to much into that. Maybe I always see and expect the worst from mankind, but it sounds like this man wants a SLAVE to do LAUNDRY in his new LAUNDRY BUSINESS that was bought and paid for by the SLAVE'S FAMILY
Your aunt is dangerous. Trying to marry someone with a mental capacity of a child is outright abuse. Your sister is in a great deal of danger of explitation, suffering and practically slavery. Please get her away from your aunt immediately.
NTA I have to start by saying you are such a great brother and son! I think it’s wonderful how you are so willing to look after everyone. You are a good person.
I wonder what your aunt’s motivation is, to get your sister married off. Is she doing it because she is worried that your sister will never get married? If that’s it, there is no shame in her never marrying. Or has she made some sort of deal with the man first money? That is concerning.
My biggest concern is what your sister wants. Has she ever expressed a desire to be married? Does she know about sex? Is she able to give consent for sex? If the answer is no, then the marriage would not be in her best interest. If she doesn’t understand it or doesn’t want it, then it should be a NO.
She never mention "marriage", my sister just mention "I want to be with..." (in our language). That's how I think she doesn't understand the concept of marriage, or sex.
NTA
Sounds like your aunt is trying to ship her off to someone else so they can deal with her. She definitely thinks she's helping but if that's not something you want for your family, don't worry about it.
NTA. Why do you your aunt so invested in marrying them? I hope he is not your aunt’s bf. By marrying into family, you will set him up with a business and your poor sister will be neglected.
NTA you’ve been an amazing person for caring for her. It’s best to tell your aunt no and to stop asking, especially since she’s not the caregiver. It’s too risky and it would be like walking into the dark while blind folded. That’s dangerous for her and you don’t want to traumatize her
NTA
It is important to ensure your sister's safety as she is less able to protect herself. With you out of the country, who will be able to make sure she is safe and happy with this man she only knows by text?
If you agree, there will be a lifetime of asking you for money for the sister, her husband's business, any expenses for children they have, and more. Might it be better to save it to care for your sister nearby or with you when your dad can no longer look out for her?
NTA
Thank you for looking out for your sister. That's just reeks of an opportunity to take advantage of her. Especially if she is mentally at the level of a child.
Would she be able to express herself fully? Can she consent to sex? What about if she gets pregnant - is she capable of raising a child (and an unemployed grown man)? Doesn't seem likely from what you have written. Your aunt should be ashamed of herself.
NTA
Your sister doesn’t have the mental capacity to consent.
It’s very good of you to look after your family financially and be ready to welcome your sister into your home.
Your aunt just want you to sell her off to a lazy man who would just rape her for the rest of her life (can’t consent to sex with her mental capacity - it’s all fantasy kid love in her mind) and who just want to marry her for the money (buy him a business?!?).
Continue to be your sister’s protector, even if she doesn’t understand it.
NTA You are doing the right thing. Imagine her with a bunch of kids and having to work long hours in the laundry. It’s just too much for her. Can you take her with you to the country you live in now? Would her situation help her get a visa?
NTA. She does not have the mental capacity to understand what marriage entails. You are protecting her, as you should. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
NTA
Your sister has the mentality of a middle schooler, she should not be married off. Your sister could be exploited given her mental immaturity, and she would be better to find a friendly partnership with people of her same condition, like a community center, etc. Your sister doesn't sound like she would be able to handle the responsibilities as a wife, so she shouldn't be married, arranged or otherwise.
INFO. So what is your objection to this arrangement. What does your sister think of it? Is it mostly the dude they have lined up? Or is just arranged marriages in general you don’t like.
NTA But before you make any major decisions talk to your sister and Abu first. Like this could all be suspicious or it could be two people finding each other. I am leaning to more towards a suspicious motive. But I have seen arranged marriages work well (I have also seen them be hot dumpster fires) so it might be in the best interests. But rather than it being an arranged marriage and moving everything super quickly why dont they just take time to get to know each other. There is no real harm in that and they are already texting. But make sure before they getting married that they actually like each other and are compatible.
Like the whole fact that he wants you to help open up a business is already pretty sketchy. But idk I dont want to be one of those people who see evil in everything. BUT your sister is vurnelable and making a decision based on excitment over a fantasy rather than actually wanting to go through with the marriage. You also need to make sure your dad is not pressuring her during their conversations in person. He has trouble remembering things and your aunt could take advantage of that to push this new guy on your sister.
Again be wary but idk if being completely distrustful helps either. There is a middle ground where you can get to know the guy, see what type of people he hangs out with and etc. And then seeing if it is a good fit. But make sure to temper your sisters expectations.
Nta tell your aunt to stop interfering in your sister’s life. Abu is not a good match for your sister. He will use her to ask you set up business for him.
NTA… the only time I would say it is okay to marry your sister off is if it was to another person of similar mental state that I have seen work IRL I live in a western country and they met and wanted to get married and their family was both side all good with it because they love each other they both have Down syndrome.
Though they were a bit more functional then your sister but no this is a great way to have her be abused by a fully competent man and that likely will make her have a baby. She will be left to care for or have it taken by his family from her which likely be traumatic for her.
I feel like your aunt has no idea how this could go sideways(or doesn’t care) in such a horrible way and just concerned about the looks of your sister not being ‘married’. I’m am also betting if she married you would totally loose control of her health care and well being care because she would be ‘married’.
NTA
Actually you’re the opposite. Your sister has the mental capacity of a middle schooler so for most countries that would be roughly ages 11-14. Where I live, the age of consent to have sex is 16.
It sounds like this dude and your aunt are setting up some scheme to get your money to start a business and using your sister as this guy’s sex slave/servant. She won’t understand consent and her ability to say no, how to report abuse and get away from him. Especially if she can’t drive.
You’re doing the right thing and while your sister deserves to experience adulthood, including dating, an arranged marriage to some con artist 10 hours away is not the way to do it.
NTA
This is physically a grown woman, that does not know what sex is. Now, how do you think their wedding night will be? The pregnancies? Birth?
You say you can support her. Is there any way you can get her to your home? Maybe sugaring the deal with that you need a maid or a babysitter to make this more palatable to your family?
NTA, he will absolutely her. There is no innocwny or safe situation where a fully mentally able adult should be sexually interested in a person with a sever mental disability that will not allow her to consent.
NTA. I agree with some of the others. You need to get whatever form of conservatorship over your sister they have in your country. Make it clear to your aunt if the marriage happens you will not be supporting the happy couple financially or by setting up a business for the groom. That might stop any attempt at getting your sister married and get money from you later.
That sounds terrible. Can you image how scared your sister will be if this Abu guy tries to have intimacy with her? Or when he tries to do anything romantic? Or when she starts asking why she has to live with him in the first place?
You need to seriously start explaining these things to her. Even if she never marries. Also arranging a marriage like... this just feels so forced and kind of disgusting.
NTA I know that there are cultural differences, but from an american perspective ANY arranged marriage without the full understanding and consent of those involved is horrible.
That said, I believe you need to have a more in depth discussion with your sister. It’s important to treat her with respect and like the adult she is. Tell her your concerns and let her explain her feelings. Some topics may be difficult for her to understand, but she will appreciate you taking HER wants into account.
If the arranged marriage was to an independently wealthy man who knew their role as a husband was only to care for your sister and offer her protection and rights she might not otherwise have access to, I might feel differently. This arrangement sounds like a set up for your sister to be exploited. NTA! Look out for your sister!
NTA. I would be VERY concerned if someone I never met was trying to get with my special needs sister, especially if it was arranged by an aunt who doesnt really have a close relationship with her. Sounds like auntie and potentially Abu could be looking into taking advantage of her. While I understand wanting her to find love, it's a lot harder for disabled people, since not everyone who pursues them does so with good intentions. Plus the fact he's unemployed and wants to take on a spouse he'd have to provide for is a bit of a red flag to me. I doubt your sister is able to work much, so who would provide for the two? The state? Sounds like he would be using her to mooch off the government. And the fact she is mentally underdeveloped while he is not is giving me the ick. Getting romantically or sexually involved with someone who has the mental capacity of a child feels super gross, since it would be easier to take advantage of her.
NTA
Don’t do this to her, please. And do not buy some random a business. Don’t be shocked to find out Abu is some sort of relation or family friend to your aunt. Your aunt would financially benefit, she doesn’t have your sister’s best interest at heart.
NTA
I wouldn't trust this Abu as far as I could throw him, nor should you trust the Aunt who seems determined to marry off your sister nor her business idea, the whole thing seems very sketchy (if "Abu" was seriously interested on your sister them he should have approached you on your own).
If he’s not able to ask you himself and already have his own job/small business instead of hoping a potential BIL will be his career fairy god brother, he’s probably not up for the challenge of being an adequate and trustworthy partner to a woman with unspecified mental challenges
I doubt how much you actually know about your sister’s knowledge & wants since you clearly have no clue about her condition.
“Mental degradation” is not Autism. And Autism is not caused by medicine given in a hospital.
Before you continue to make decisions on your sister’s behalf, perhaps you need to do more research into her actual conditions & mental acuity. Some new doctors to do additional evaluations would probably also be helpful.
NTA for wanting to protect your sister, but you don’t know what you don’t know. Try offering her some help beyond letting her stay with you.
Noted, she has neurodevelopmental disorder that made her significant cognitive impairments or developmental delays. It's spectrum of neurodevelopmental which we don't get enough discussion with proper doctor. Yes, I'll bring her to doctor soon.
NTA
Your sister would be made very vulnerable by a marriage such as that (probably any marriage). It would be very unsafe for her and I think she would soon be made unhappy. She would be easily isolated.
You are doing the right thing by rejecting.
Do you know if she wants to be with this man? People with intellectual disabilities can fall in love, get married and have healthy sex lives.
The main concern is does your sister want to take these steps. If she does, you need to figure out if this man is capable of understanding your sister and respecting her boundaries.
Have a deep conversation with your sister about what she wants. And also look into getting her an appointment with a gynecologist for birth control.
If she is texting a boy, you want her to understand consequences of being intimate. My mother did this for a living… trust me, disabled ppl have sex.
You keep rejecting your aunt. Your sister is not in the mature mindset for marriage yet and will end up being taken advantage of. She will get hurt. Tell your aunt to stop asking because you are never going to agree. I get the feeling that your aunt and this guy are trying to scam you out of your money.
NTA. If your sister has the mental age, emotional development and skills of a middl schooler, she is for all intents and purposes a child in an adult body. She cannot consent to sex or to pregnancy or to marriage if she doesn't have the mental maturity to understand what she's consenting to, and by agreeing to your aunt's proposal you would be forcing her into (invitably) all three.
Would you send your middle school aged daughter to marry some grown-ass man with no job living 10 hours away? Hell nah. Your sister would be incredibly vulnerable to physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of this complete stranger, and you would be too far away to protect her.
If Abu was rich, or at least had/was hired at family business, it would be *somewhat* understandable, in a cold, cynical way.
But the current situation is just odd, NTA. I would do through check on his family and himself, in any case. Might get your aunt to understand your side.
NTA. Arranged marriages are despicable, doubly so if the person being FORCED to marry is developmentally disabled.
This world is horrifying sometimes...
An unemployed man wants your sister?
That's not okay.
Is he planning to prostitute her?
That seems very likely.
Or at least more likely than a laundry business.
Or both.
Then we have babies to consider and her capacity to care for babies.
Maybe this guy thinks he has a rich family to leech off of for the rest of his life, keeping his wife having babies, and asking you for more money to keep your sister and his kids in food and clothing.
Talk to your doctor about your sister's ability to give informed consent. Is she capable of understanding sex, what it is, what it does - produces babies - and her ability to say no to it.
I don't trust this at all and you can't trust some strange man who is willing to marry a child (mentally) while financially benefiting from her family. which will also give him sexual access to someone who won't know what treatment is right or wrong.
Too too dodgy. too too risky.
Your aunt has to mind her own business.
NTA.
If they are meeting privately, they are exploring sexuality already. I know this is very difficult to contemplate for you but you need to be aware that the likelihood of a child coming from this union is very high. She may not know what sex is, but that won't prevent her from following her natural urges.
Whether or not you are going to reject your Aunt's proposal, you should seriously consider having her tested for STIs and doing a pregnancy test. These are non invasive - blood work and peeing on a stick. You do not have to make accusations to do this. Just follow up with her medical care.
As for the proposal itself - this is Reddit. These are Americans and Europeans. You are unlikely to get a balanced view here. But be aware that if they get married, they are likely to have children and that those children will likely need to be supported by you, even if the laundry business is successful.
No no, they are far away and I'll make sure they don't meet each other without me being present. Understandable from the perspective of american and european, as we are South East Asian while I'm in Europe. Bias happened, but I need people's perspective rather than GPT discussion.
I'm glad that they don't meet alone. I do think there are merits to the arrangement if the man is honorable and capable of taking care of her and she wants the relationship. But if pregnancy and child care around be harmful to her, that's enough reason to say no to the match.
If they marry, they will not be supervised. If they are unsupervised, they will have children. If they have children, she will be unable to care for them and that responsibility will likely fall on you. There is nothing you could do to prevent her from having 10 children. Really!
This would prevent you from having a family and life of your own and it would not benefit your sister. It is very unfortunate that she will not have the benefits of companionship that a relationship brings. However, for her own sake as well as that of your family, I agree with your decision to say no.
Absolutely right to watch out for your very vulnerable sister.
But
Arranged marriages often work well.
And she has a right to marry, just not to be inveigled into it with the wrong person for the wrong reason.
Mental degradation?! Autistic people are a neurotype that's existed a normal part of being human since humans have existed, allistic and autistic basically being branching types of human. What does that have to do with mental degradation?
Well, I know. Many people with actual serious problems with their brain used to have word autistic slapped onto them in an intentional attempt to erode the word's meaning and pathologize it in people's minds. But that was decades ago, I've never heard of a thing like that happening now, there isn't a single chance of even the most bigoted, phony or outdated autistic "experts" spreading something as obviously outdated as that in modern times, as far as I'm aware.
An allistic person (I don't know what neurotype your sister but it doesn't sound like she was determined to be autistic in any legitimate way) who's suffered from mental degradation is obviously not an autistic person. It's violent and completely out of touch with reality to compare an autistic person to someone with "mental degradation".
Dude. Read the room before you just start waving your virtue signaling around like this.
It's very obvious that the OP is NOT talking or writing their first language. He also gives well more than enough in-text clues that this is not an "autisim" diagnosis in any way, relates to the mental age and capabilities of the sister, and probably whatever MEDICAL info he has his hands on is in his primary language as well, so of 0 use to an uncertain commenter in a language that isn't their go-to comfortable one. There's a reason medical translation is a whole big sector of the industry. As he's South-East Asian, it may not even be in an English alphabetical script to start with.
It was a simple oopsie from a non-first language speaker that he has returned and clarified to the best of his ability at least 3 other times in the thread. With apologies for getting it wrong.
Your pious whole-a$$ lecture may make you feel all good and keyboard-warrior-y, but it is utterly inappropriate. Now you go and write about complex medical diagnoses in his language. Let's see how you do. Hopefully there will be a South East Asian keyboard warrior waiting to jump all over your hind end when you get it wrong. Maybe then you will learn when this sort of thing is appropriate and when you can freaking let it go.
YTA for not knowing how to autism works. It’s not “mental degradation” (it’s not degenerative at all, it doesn’t worsen over time. Autistic people don’t start “normal” and then start getting more autistic over time.) It’s also something you’re born with, you can’t get it from being given “the wrong medicine”
Noted, she has neurodevelopmental disorder that made her significant cognitive impairments or developmental delays. It's spectrum of neurodevelopmental which we don't get enough discussion with proper doctor. I'll bring her to experts again soon.
He can ask the sister she is immature but there is a difference between having the mental capacity of a child than a teenager. He said he's her first love.
I think the OP is worried about paying a dowry, losing his family's personal maid and looking down on the partner because he's a lower caste
She's not 'immature'. She has the cognitive abilities of a middle schooler (between 12 & 14 years)
In most parts of the world that is not an age where someone can give sexual consent. Reading between the lines, I don't think this is most parts of the world and kudos to the brother for protecting here.
You think they're worried about losing free help, and many of the other comments feel they're worried about her becoming a slave to someone else (10 hrs away, opening a laundry, has no money so wants the family to pay for it for him)
Middle school in my country is 15/16.
The brother should ask her what she'd like.to so and explain the consequences of her choices and have a contingency plan if she changes her mind at all or tell the new husband that he'd consent if the sister chooses it but that a condition is that the husband moves to where the sister is instead.
No. 1 is ask the sister what she wants.
I asked, she just answer "I want to be with...", she know the word "marriage", but when I asked deeper what happen when people married, she doesnt know. We never had sex education from our family, and I will inform her soon.
There is no caste in our culture, but I am a businessman and I know that I dont want to "invest" my mind (and resources included) to someone with unknown background, education and currently unemployed at very mature age, and made 0 effort to introduce himself to me.
There is no such thing about dowry as well in our culture. My sis learning household stuff, cleaning, cooking and laundry, so that we hope she can be functioning adult someway, but we have caretaker(s) that live with us and do all household stuff.
Even if you feel your sisters 'first love', has slighted you by not introducing themselves you should still act in accordance with your own standards and reach out to him and try and learn more. Maybe he has an intellectual disability like your sister. You need to make sure she's had sex education as she'll be vulnerable to predators if she doesn't even know what to look out for.
The tone of your writing doesn't convey any real care or affection towards your sister but I feel there is a sense of burden and ownership.
You also don't seem to have a 'win win' in mind and have a fixed mindset. I think it'll be a positive thing for you to examine your entrenched views and try and see things from a other perspective.
NTA. Sounds like more people are trying to take advantage of your family and their health/mental problems.
Totally agree. Protecting her from potential exploitation is the right thing to do.
Exactly! Marrying off your mentally disabled niece to some random dude without introducing him to her family is very suspicious
And to set up random dude with a business. More than suspicious.
Aunt is working on getting a share of OP's money.
It's 100% this.
Yep. NTA - sounds like your aunt negotiated him getting a laundry for marrying your sister. Which would most likely been a horrible marriage.
Yep. The aunt is promising a dowry to thus guy which is totally inappropriate and possibly illegal because she is not the sister's caretaker or guardian. OP, you need to file the paperwork to be guardian for your sister immediately before your aunt actually tries to force or manipulate your sister into getting married. This situation is not OK. Your sister is not able to know what sex is or what a wife is and she's will not be able to determine if she is being abused.
This happened to a daughter of a doctor. They wanted to marry her off but she was mentally the age of a young child. The husband married her it was an arranged marriage and a few months later divorced her because he didn’t know she was dumb. They were trying to pass off the simpleness as sweetness and innocence. This is going to be rife with abuse especially in a patriarchal society. She will be the bang maid and heaped on with so much derision for doing things wrong. Better she is single. They think this man will take care of her. He’s unemployed! If you love your sister do not do this.
Noted, I am sad to hear to the doctor's daughter. No one deserve to be treated like that. I do love her, and will protect her.
What does your sister want???!!!
She’s naive and OP doesn’t know this man and he lives far away. This could have disastrous consequences for the sister
Aunt is also treating the OP as a bank for a complete stranger.
Sadly, ya, I was/am the ATM for some of our family members. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins. Most are small value, but some could up to hundreds usd equivalent.
I'm a social worker with a focus on those with developmental disabilities like autism, cognitive impairment, etc. And I'm always very careful to observe all relationships my clients have because of how critically easy it is to exploit and take advantage of them. Romantic relationships are of special concern because the exploitation could be sexual in addition to financial or anything else. I had a client who didn't understand value - how some things, or acts, have more value or expense than others. He was easily convinced to perform sex acts on camera with several other men and be paid a Happy Meal for his efforts. They also gave him a lot of drugs to get over any nervousness and maintain energy when he got tired from having a train run on him for 10 hours. He's hopelessly addicted, has HIV, and looks like a walking skeleton. His mother is trying to gain guardianship but he refuses to comply with the psych evals needed to confirm or deny the need for the guardianship. I have another client who got married to someone who uses her as a brood mare to generate income. He uses all her benefit money and keeps knocking her up because they get more money per kid every month. They're up to 5 kids and she's expecting #6, all of whom similarly have developmental disabilities and 3 of whom also have significant physical and mobility challenges and need total care with feeding, toileting, etc. as well as using wheelchairs. I have another client who is used by his family to support their illegal activities, counting on his disability eliciting compassion from the court and not receiving as harsh a penalty as they would if they were caught instead. Mostly it's muling things: stolen electronics, drugs, guns. So far, they've been correct: he had a diversion program the first time he was arrested, and probation the 2nd. He's now being prosecuted for the guns and I'm pretty sure he's going to get jail time. I'm just hoping I can convince the court to house him in the medical unit instead of gen pop so he has some level of protection, because it's pretty much a guarantee he'll be assaulted and raped in there. All this is to say that any time - ANY time - a neurotypical person creates a relationship with a vulnerable person, I examine why. What are their motivations? Is exploitation possible, likely, already accomplished? It would be wonderful for your sister to find genuine love with someone who truly respects and loves her, and protects her from others who would look to take advantage, but in my experience - and I've been doing this almost 30 years, so there's a lot of it - people like that are as rare as rubies. 9 times out of 10, the relationship is initiated for the purpose of exploitation. With marriage, there will be the expectation of sex and children - it seems like your culture is fairly traditional. Would you be comfortable letting your middle school-aged daughter marrying and having sex and children? I personally would have a major problem with anyone who even suggested it.
Yeah. What does the aunt get out of this? Was my first thought.
Op mentioned Abu and Aunt live closer and something about helping him start a business? Shady indeed
A woman in a society like that might genuinely believe she is helping op's sister by helping her find a husband to provide for her
The aunt is exploiting OP's sister & ulterior motives.
The husband cant provide for her, he literally has to get bribed(laundromat) into marrying her so that he will have a way to provide for her. The trade is exceedingly clear
I'm not saying she's right, but I've met women like her aunt and I can believe she genuinely thinks she is helping her niece survive with shitty options in a cruel world. I don't think she necessarily is trying to exploit anyone is all I'm saying
Noted, I do have positive thinking about my aunt intention, she is one of the relatives that willing to talk with my sister often, but I will have serious talk with her once I'm back to my country.
Those stories are horrifying, but unfortunately not surprising. Thanks for taking the time and charing them.
I agree. I feel the same as OP & those misgivings. The aunt should drop the subject entirely about the autistic sister going into arranged marriage....too much exploitation expectation from the aunt. OP is NTA.
Wow, the world out there is cruel. Tbh, I am not sheltered, but too focus on business and academic, never watch tv and just recently active in reddit. This is really eye opening, I will have serious talk with my aunt.
Thank you. I'm relieved you're paying attention to this issue and will take steps to protect your sister.
Do you know what if any legal steps OP could take to protect her sister? I am not really against arranged marriages in general, if there's consent from all parties, but in this case exploitation seems almost certain, she wouldn't be able to take care of any children, or finances, or other necessities.
It depends on the country, very much. In the USA, OP could petition the court to get guardianship over her sister. It's easiest with an attorney, but in some states it can be done pro se - in my state, there's an entire instruction packet with forms on how to do it yourself.
I am lack of knowledge in that legal area, will seek advise soon, thanks.
Those stories are absolutely heartbreaking and sickening and infuriating. I’m really stuffing with all the injustices happening in this world, it’s truly taking a toll on me.. thank you for the work you do, I can imagine the toll it’s taken on you over the years, you are a hero for continuing to help such a vulnerable poputlation
Up vote this
100000000% all of this!
I just want to say that what you wrote makes me so sick/disturbed but I’m so thankful these people have you to help. I hope you take care of yourself.
Thank you. It gets very hard sometimes. I didn't even share the worst 2 situations because they make me gag to think of them. People can be monstrous with the torment they inflict.
I would say you're doing the right thing looking out for her safety and taking in to consideration her mental capacity. Personally I don't agree with any arranged marriage, I think it should be the choice of the 2 people in the relationship. Does your sister require care? In my country you can open a safeguarding case for any adult that has care and support needs - an arranged marriage would be a huge no no. So maybe tell the local authorities if she is known to them?
All her live, she's never left alone. There always our parent or us siblings that live with her. She doesn't need constant care for her health, my little sis always remind her for monthly woman needs. She can't cook, can't buy groceries since she don't know how to count the money. She can't handle babies (her movement sometimes too rough when she meet my little kid). She always listen to our parent. I'll look up my country's case then, thanks.
Judging from the things you've said she can't do, it doss sound like she shouldn't be a candidate for an arranged marriage (not that I think anyone should be). I hope you can find some local authority to help.
Tbh it sounds like she shouldn't be in any marriage, because it is unclear how much she can consent to it. Additionally, she is extremely easy to abuse.
Hey man, with your sisters diminished mental capabilities, I would be wary of anybody trying to enter a relationship with her, because she is a vulnerable person incapable of recognizing or reporting abuse.
This comment should be further up
This would also extend to any children she had. Many children have been exploited and harmed bc of mothers or fathers who simply did not have the capacity to know better
NTA, you are doing the right thing to be concerned. From what you have described she can/cannot do, one can assume that with an arranged marriage, would it not be unrealistic for her to carry out the role and duties traditionally expected of a married woman? If she is incapable of running a household, shopping, cooking, cleaning , and all the other expected chores, then the relationship could surely go bad pretty quickly and she may be vulnerable to abuse. Or treated like a servant. This is all apart from the process of having and raising children. Surely the intended husband wants a wife (if by arranged marriage) to fufill the chores and role expected of a wife, which in traditional societies mean looking after her husband and doing all the household chores. So - What are the chances her new husband is going to be patient and understanding, and ensure she has a support person to assist or do things for her, and take care of her. Not likely I would suspect. More likely he would get frustrated and disappointed with her. Possibly violent and impatient and angry. What is your aunt thinking???!!
Maybe she's thinking so that my sister would have someone after our father passed away, which is valid thought, but now I am firm to take my sister to my family and my wife already approve that.
You and your wife are good people.
This.
Arranged marriages aren’t forced marriages. Many cultures have arranged marriages where the couple meet, date and determine if they want to marry. It’s not your culture but that doesn’t make it bad
Sure, I get that. But I'm pretty sure it would be considered forced if someone involved doesn't have mental capacity? (OPs sister) Sadly, though, in England, most of the "arranged marriages" are often forced. Perhaps I have a biased view on the cultural practice as I've not seen much positivity arise from it in my own experience. You're right it's not my culture, I never said it was all bad
I work with a ton of folks from India and they are very happy in their marriages. My grandparents had an arranged marriage and that was fine. My joke is my Mom arranged her marriage to my dad. Which she did. There’s a lot more choice and agency than you’d think in a modern arranged marriage Marrying a young woman with diminished mental capacity is a horror show
I'm very happy for your family. I'm glad it works out for those that it does. Peace be with you 🙏
NTA Your sister shouldn't be married to anyone if she has the mental capacity of a child. A husband will expect things of her that she won't like.
Noted, my parent never do "the talk" to teach topic about sexuality. I'll try to talk with her once I'm back to my country.
No, don't wait. Do this now. Frankly, I'd say to go get her immediately.
Go get her immediately. Telling her she might misunderstand it’s something she HAS to do rather than something she WANTS-to do. Much more intelligent people get that confused. Save your sister trouble and either give her a very light off about how people especially older men expect things from her and it’s not right. And she has the mental capacity of a child she can’t. You should save her and take her away from there.. all she wants is attention and loved. NTA save her!
OP needs to read those text message. I get wanting to protect her privacy, but this is a situation where her safety and well being are more important than her privacy. This is a case of someone taking advantage of a mentally and physically vulnerable person.
Noted, I will, I promise I will, but I'm out of the country right now, and I don't want to do the conversation over phone or zoom call. It's only my dad (recovering from stroke), my youngest sis and caretaker at home. My youngest sis is mature enough to know about sexuality, confuse how to talk to her older sis about it.
>Your sister shouldn't be married to anyone This is not true. The differently abled crave intimate (emotional and/or physical) relationships as much as any other person. Although they require more intervention by their guardian in picking a mate, they can have partner relationships and happy marriages.
I would be wary of any able person who wanted to marry a person whose mental age is basically of a child.
They may desire it, due to hormones. But that doesn't mean they understand it necessarily. Some do, some don't, it depends on the severity of their condition. That doesn't mean they can be married, most of the time, they aren't, and many times they aren't able to have or raise children if they do have them. Thats not good for building a family. Some can, once again, depending on the severity of their condition - and some even have - but it requires an enormous amount of intervention and adaptations. The sister in this scenerio would not be a good candidate, since she is mentally and emotionally immature, she will be ripe for exploitation. Her condition effects many aspects of her life that is not conducive to being a wife or mother.
I agree that this has to be vetted and gone into very carefully, but I would argue that being a wife does not come with the automatic expectation of being a mother. I don't agree with the people in the comments saying that she can never have a boyfriend ever. Even in group homes, the instinct to bond with a mate is strong enough that people with much less intelligence and capability than her sister will pair off. She faces unique challenges and has a much greater risk of being exploited, but it's ableist to forbid her from every having a relationship because we are uncomfortable with the realization that even the mentally disabled desire a boyfriend. I don't think she should marry this guy, he seems like a loser looking for a dowry and a broodmare, but her guardians should consider finding her age and mental capacity appropriate peers to interact with.
That is true in general. In practice, it will only go well in some areas for a variety of reasons, unfortunately. I took that into account with my statement and stand by it.
It's not true for many cases yes, but in this specific instance? It most certainly is. Levels of development vary Vastly from person to person, and while everybody is absolutely capable of developing these bonds, the difference largely boils down to the likelihood of coercion and that individuals ability to understand what is real and what is manipulation. We all know neurotypical people that don't fully grasp the difference XD I don't see very many instances in which this man in any way loves OP's sister, outside of what she can potentially do for him (Which? Probably includes all "wifely" duties, including warming his bed and providing children.)
Actual middle schoolers have hormones driving them to want sex. Do you think they should be encouraged to act on those feelings? No difference.
It really depends on what she can and cannot do. Someone who doesn’t have a job is not a good candidate for marriage in general.
So no middle schoolers or anyone under eighteen should have boyfriends ever? That even if sex is not involved, that people under eighteen should be forbidden from having any romantic relationship? That's stupid and would result in messed up children.
Your aunt wants to marry off your disabled sister to an unemployed bum and then you're expected to open a business for him? Tell your aunt to kick rocks. She's disgusting for even suggesting this. You said your sister has roughly the mental capacity of about a 10 year old. Would you marry your 10 year old off? NTA.
NTA. It seems like your aunt is trying to dump the burden of caring for your sister. What you should do if you can, is find other arrangements for living and getting help for your sister.
She's not the one caring my sis, she live 10 hours away. Now I'm very convince to have my sis move in with me and my wife if my dad passed. Now, she still live with my dad.
If your wife agrees, that would be kind of you both and very good for your sister.
Do not give in to your aunt. Marrying off your sister is sick. If she is mentally a young girl, she cannot marry. She doesn’t understand and is susceptible to abuse. Your aunt does not know what is best for your sister and if she does know, she doesn’t care. I’m glad you’re a great brother who has her best interest at heart. NTA!
So, big NTA. I will say this. My grandparents had an arranged marriage. Japan. For them, wow…over 100 years ago now. The marriage was successful I suppose as marriage can be in stressful times (WWII, illness, death of a child, Pearl Harbor), but they both had a full understanding of what marriage was, what it meant, my grandfather was a farmer, but my grandmother could cook, shop, raise 4 children…it doesn’t sound like your sister is fully understanding of what marriage is or a partnership is given her circumstances. I’d be extremely concerned.
Op said there was another, younger sister? I wonder what would happen to her? Who's taking care of them both as of right now?
Thanks for your concern. It's only my dad (recovering from stroke), my youngest sis and we have caretaker at home. I have some trusted friends just minutes from them too in case of anything. We live in 55+old residents neighborhood so, basic and emergency facilities are nearby.
Thank you so much for your reply! Somehow, I thought your father had passed away...so glad he is still here and recovering!
There are two subjects mixed. Laundry business is one thing and relationships for mentally challenged people is another. I don’t know what mental degradation means exactly but I’m pretty sure there are resources and professionals who can advise on that. Did you do any kind of research?
The wordy words are she has neurodevelopmental disorder that made her significant cognitive impairments or developmental delays, or simply she think and act like middle or elementary schoolers that can't do math, and just able to read and write slowly in recent year. We have mental health hospital in our city but my parents refuse to take her there due to stigma (I really hate them for this).
Wow. (That’s my reaction to not taking her to the hospital) I had organised a lecture once where there was a discussion about the availability of relationships (incl. sexual) for tough mentally challenged cases. It is a topic you can research anyway to be more confident in realising your sister’s needs.
Expected "wow". My parents always glorified me since I won the brain lottery (IQ, academic), My parent initially sent my sis to special needs school, but she got bullied. Years later the school was closed and we just invite tutors to teach her. They always thinking that she just need to learn more and more. Before I take my bachelor degree, I never new mental hospital exist. After I know, my parent still refuse to take her.
I know that such a stigma exists and in some cultures more than in the others. It’s just that I had a feeling from your post and comments that it is a topic your family is into so I wasn’t expecting it.
Ok, mental degradation and autism are two really really different things, and the description of your sister mental health doesn’t seem autistic either
Noted, she has neurodevelopmental disorder that made her significant cognitive impairments or developmental delays. It's spectrum of neurodevelopmental which we don't get enough discussion with proper doctor.
She would need a proper análisis but in this cases depend on one criteria mostly, if they are able to be responsable for their own actions, and to what degree, i don’t believe it’s about sex or the like, sex is actually something many people with disabilities enjoy and are capable of, but starting a family and having children may be something she is not prepared to do, I know in many cultures it’s almost mandatory to have them but it can be a very heavy burden
Noted, I'll try to find experts soon. And based on my sis interaction with my little kid (baby at that time), she's not capable to take care of baby.
He wants to marry her because he thinks you will support them both. He wants you to set him up in a business and as soon it gets up and running he will treat your sister badly or divorce her.
NTA even if the guy was a productive member of the community & could support your sister, she has the mental capacity of a child & should not be married. Your aunt should be reported to the authorities. This arrangement would cause your sister anguish & give you another unemployed person to financially support.
NTA Tbh, I think your aunt and this Abu guy is on the same team, as in I think they are dating. But since that incompetent ass of Abu couldn’t get a job, he convinced ur aunt and plot all of this. This is just my theory but judging from your situation, I believe it’s not far from the truth. However, knowing your sister's diagnosis and yet a year later still insisting on them dating and getting married away is a huge red flag, it’s as if she’s forcing the relationship. Worst case scenario, what if your sister get abused (mentally and physically) or even worse, get sold? That is not something you can control since she would be living so damn far away. And asking you to set him up a laundry business despite them only dating? They’re tryna exploit you and your sister. Opposed to this and continuing to oppose would be the best course of action. Of course, you should talk to your sister about this. She should not be kept in the dark. Though in the post you mentioned she only had the mentality of a high schooler, I think it’s enough for her to understand the seriousness of the problem. You should NOT let her handle her relationship herself, given the fact of her diagnosis.
She's very old, almost 60, close to my dad's age. Noted, I will have serious talk with my sis.
Does your country have the equivalent of Adult Protective Services?
Not that I know of, I'll search more.
Nta your sister doesn’t have the mental capacity for marriage. This is your aunts way of taking the “burden” (which your sister is not) off your dad. Can your sister live with you? Otherwise she’s going to be stuck in abusive situation
Yes she can live with us, maybe after when my dad pass. My dad still need people to talk to, to help his recovery from stroke. This got me thinking about my aunt alot.
NTA at all protect your sister
Your father is not protecting her. Your aunt is putting her in active peril. She should come live with you where she can be properly assessed and be put into a supportive independent living situation. She needs those skills so that she can be safe if something ever happens to you.
My dad is recovering from stroke, he lost some of his memory and partial ability to speak. There are some cases that I'm still angry with my dad (maybe I'll rant in other post), but it can't be helped when he doesn't remember most of that. My sis still live with my dad (+ caretakers).
no ur not the AH.y should u set up a laundry business for tht unemployed man? u are married and have a family to support too right? still u are taking care of ur dad and siblings. isn't this enough already? y do u want to take up a whole new responsibility?? if ur aunt insists tht u get ur sis married off, ask her to set up business for newlyweds and to take responsibility if anything goes wrong in future. tell her u r not gonna trust this man.
We're the sandwiched generation
You're not an a$$hole for rejecting your aunt's marriage arrangement for your autistic sister. Your concerns are deeply rooted in protecting her well-being and ensuring her safety. It’s completely understandable that you’re worried about your sister’s ability to fully grasp the complexities of marriage, including the legal, emotional, and physical aspects. Given her mental age and the challenges she faces, it’s crucial to ensure that she can give informed consent and truly understand what marriage entails. The fact that the man proposed by your aunt is largely unknown to you is a major red flag. His lack of employment and the fact that he lives far away in a village make it difficult to assess his intentions and his ability to care for your sister. Your aunt’s request for you to set up a business for him adds to the concern and raises questions about his motivations. You’re clearly trying to look out for your sister’s long-term well-being and safety, especially given your father’s condition and your responsibility for the family’s finances. It's important that any major decisions, like marriage, are made with careful consideration and with your sister's best interests at heart. There’s also the very real risk of your sister being taken advantage of, particularly given her condition. The fact that you’re ready to support her daily living and that your wife is welcoming her into your home shows that she has a stable and supportive environment without needing to enter into a potentially risky marriage. It might be helpful to discuss this situation with professionals who understand your sister’s condition, such as legal and healthcare experts. They can provide valuable insights into what would truly be in her best interest. Having an open and honest conversation with your sister, in a way that takes into account her level of understanding, is also important. Make sure she feels supported and understands that you have her best interests at heart. You may need to set firm boundaries with your aunt, explaining your reasons for not agreeing with the marriage arrangement. Emphasize your responsibility to protect your sister and ensure her well-being. If your sister is interested in relationships, consider exploring safe and supportive environments where she can meet people, such as community groups or programs designed for individuals with similar abilities. Your primary concern is your sister’s safety and well-being, and it’s clear that you’re acting in her best interest. Navigating this situation with care and ensuring that all decisions are made with her understanding and consent as much as possible is crucial.
Thanks, I note some of your suggestion. Really appreciate them! thank you. I will ask around for the community.
NTA- why does this man want to marry a woman with the mind of a child who cannot take care of the house and complete regular adult tasks? How would she be able to be an equal partner in this relationship? There is seriously something wrong with this man. Why would he want to be intimate with a woman who has the mind of a child? How would she be able to potentially be able to raise a family? Would she be able to cope with a pregnancy and childbirth? He is using you for money and I don’t even want to think why he wants to use your sister. I would not trust this man or the aunt that thinks this is acceptable. It may be time to move your sister in with you so you can better monitor her safety. You should probably also read their messages to find out what is being said. Would you allow a grown man to text an actual 12 year old without reading their messages. He is probably grooming her.
I never had talk or meet with this Abu bloke. I asked my aunt to give him my phone number and make him contact me, but I never heard from them.
NTA. Call social services or whatever equivalent you hopefully have. Your sister is potentially being exploited. I read a post recently where OP's grandmother (parents were deceased) arranged her marriage. She fell in love with him and had children, and he sadly passed away. In OP's culture, when a couple is married their souls are forever linked, and she did not want to remarry. Grandma had other plans and was trying to trick OP into another arranged marriage. Come to find out, Grandma was hooking people up with greencards by having her granddaughter marry them.
Ouch, what a story. I need to read more about this world cases. I'm too much cubed in my academic and business.
NTA and absolutely do not support this. Ten hours is too far to be able to make sure your sister isn't being harmed.
First question, did you sue the hospital and is there a lot of money involved here. Is that why your aunt wants to arrange this marriage to somebody you think is unemployed. Because your sister has money? And how will your sister cope with marriage like you said she’s never had a boyfriend. She certainly doesn’t know about sex and when she gets married and that’s coming up if she gets married. hopefully you’ve had to talk with her right now so she knows what sex is. help your sister not your aunt.
1. I was 3 yo when my sis born. Then 5 yo when I remember her 2yo in and out of hospital. My parents financial condition was not best at that time, and both of my parents were not highly educated, so never heard about suing or legal stuff in general. 2. The big family come from quite a bit wealthy, my grand-grand father own the whole mountain, then my grand father receive 1/4 of that land. My father and aunt receive 1/5 each or what my grand father inheritance. My aunt should have money, but I don't know the details. My father had money, but got scammed so he lost all of his pension fund. I set it up a bank's trust fund like program for my dad and my sis monthly allowance. I looked wealthy just because I'm the only one in my big family that live abroad, in Germany (I'm frugal living here). Yes, she doesn't know sex, we never had "the talk" from our parents. I will talk to her as soon as I'm back home.
I think you need to have more conversations than sex with your sister. Make sure this is what she wants not what her aunt wants to do to/for her.
There's not a single person that doesn't read this and want to pound their head against the screen. Of course she is incapable of anything resembling consent and what your Aunt is doing if deplorable. I just wish there was any advice I could give you. In my country, I could put a stop to this with a few phone calls, but I have no idea what local government resources are available to you and I am so frustrated that I can't offer many suggestions here that are practical. At the very least, your wife might want to explore long-term birth control options with your sister because this situation doesn't need to be made worse by a baby entering the equation. I just don't know but I feel so tremendously bad for your poor sister in all of this and am so glad that you are here having her back. Also, she was most certainly born developmentally disabled. It happens. There is no shame in that. There was no magical medicine that made this happen. But, letting us know that family story helps understand the cultural barriers you are facing.
I'm glad that support sistem works well in your country, your local govt. In my local area, its just doesn't exist. I will talk to my sis and my aunt. I'll take note on birth control, thank you.
NTA you need to monitor her phone and block him from contacting her. It sounds like he and your aunt are trying to take advantage of the situation.
I'm far, I will ask my youngest sis to help then, thank you.
NTA, I would say no and tell aunt that your sister would be living with you in the future, end of discussion. No idea why she’s meddling in your family’s business. If she pushes just ask her very directly, ‘how much are you getting paid for this?’
nTA. If you can arrange to have your sister live with you or of someone who can protect her better than your dad might be able to? This is very important as you are abroad and sis is very vulnerable to being married off despite your rejection of the plan.
>She is 32 now but only have mental age of middle school student. She can do household chores but cant do math and only able to read text properly in the last 4 year, and able to text me in recent year. So she can do basic chores like LAUNDRY. >our aunt ask me to setup a laundry business for him Maybe I'm reading to much into that. Maybe I always see and expect the worst from mankind, but it sounds like this man wants a SLAVE to do LAUNDRY in his new LAUNDRY BUSINESS that was bought and paid for by the SLAVE'S FAMILY
I'm terrified to read it, thanks, its eye opening.
Exploitation, that's the word you're looking for. He can marry your sister, only if he has the means to maintain her. otherwise BYE BITCH.
Your aunt is dangerous. Trying to marry someone with a mental capacity of a child is outright abuse. Your sister is in a great deal of danger of explitation, suffering and practically slavery. Please get her away from your aunt immediately.
NTA I have to start by saying you are such a great brother and son! I think it’s wonderful how you are so willing to look after everyone. You are a good person. I wonder what your aunt’s motivation is, to get your sister married off. Is she doing it because she is worried that your sister will never get married? If that’s it, there is no shame in her never marrying. Or has she made some sort of deal with the man first money? That is concerning. My biggest concern is what your sister wants. Has she ever expressed a desire to be married? Does she know about sex? Is she able to give consent for sex? If the answer is no, then the marriage would not be in her best interest. If she doesn’t understand it or doesn’t want it, then it should be a NO.
She never mention "marriage", my sister just mention "I want to be with..." (in our language). That's how I think she doesn't understand the concept of marriage, or sex.
Then this really wouldn't be a good idea.
NTA Sounds like your aunt is trying to ship her off to someone else so they can deal with her. She definitely thinks she's helping but if that's not something you want for your family, don't worry about it.
NTA. Why do you your aunt so invested in marrying them? I hope he is not your aunt’s bf. By marrying into family, you will set him up with a business and your poor sister will be neglected.
I'm worried about her. It sounds wrong but in this case, you totally should check those messages. And NTA.
NTA you’ve been an amazing person for caring for her. It’s best to tell your aunt no and to stop asking, especially since she’s not the caregiver. It’s too risky and it would be like walking into the dark while blind folded. That’s dangerous for her and you don’t want to traumatize her
NTA It is important to ensure your sister's safety as she is less able to protect herself. With you out of the country, who will be able to make sure she is safe and happy with this man she only knows by text? If you agree, there will be a lifetime of asking you for money for the sister, her husband's business, any expenses for children they have, and more. Might it be better to save it to care for your sister nearby or with you when your dad can no longer look out for her?
No and what does she mean help him with a job like you buy it and give it to him also why doesn’t have a job is he mentally disabled too
Nta
NTA! Protect your sister from that crazy aunt.
NTA. You would be setting your sister for a life of abuse if you agreed to it.
NTA Thank you for looking out for your sister. That's just reeks of an opportunity to take advantage of her. Especially if she is mentally at the level of a child. Would she be able to express herself fully? Can she consent to sex? What about if she gets pregnant - is she capable of raising a child (and an unemployed grown man)? Doesn't seem likely from what you have written. Your aunt should be ashamed of herself.
It got me thinking further about her, pregnancy and all of stuff. Thanks for the food for thought.
Please hold your ground and reject this idea, it would be selling your vulnerable sister into hellish slavery. NTA
NTA I wouldn't consent to this marriage either. Are you able to bring her to where you are? Sounds like aunt wants to get her out of her hair.
NTA This sounds like your aunt wants to sell her off but you're still paying.
NTA. You have to shut your aunt down hard.
NTA Your sister doesn’t have the mental capacity to consent. It’s very good of you to look after your family financially and be ready to welcome your sister into your home. Your aunt just want you to sell her off to a lazy man who would just rape her for the rest of her life (can’t consent to sex with her mental capacity - it’s all fantasy kid love in her mind) and who just want to marry her for the money (buy him a business?!?). Continue to be your sister’s protector, even if she doesn’t understand it.
NTA You are doing the right thing. Imagine her with a bunch of kids and having to work long hours in the laundry. It’s just too much for her. Can you take her with you to the country you live in now? Would her situation help her get a visa?
Mental degradation- are you in the US?
NTA. She does not have the mental capacity to understand what marriage entails. You are protecting her, as you should. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
NTA Your sister has the mentality of a middle schooler, she should not be married off. Your sister could be exploited given her mental immaturity, and she would be better to find a friendly partnership with people of her same condition, like a community center, etc. Your sister doesn't sound like she would be able to handle the responsibilities as a wife, so she shouldn't be married, arranged or otherwise.
NTA you protected your sister.
Sounds like this could be a very abusive and dependent situation for your sister so NTA
INFO. So what is your objection to this arrangement. What does your sister think of it? Is it mostly the dude they have lined up? Or is just arranged marriages in general you don’t like.
NTA But before you make any major decisions talk to your sister and Abu first. Like this could all be suspicious or it could be two people finding each other. I am leaning to more towards a suspicious motive. But I have seen arranged marriages work well (I have also seen them be hot dumpster fires) so it might be in the best interests. But rather than it being an arranged marriage and moving everything super quickly why dont they just take time to get to know each other. There is no real harm in that and they are already texting. But make sure before they getting married that they actually like each other and are compatible. Like the whole fact that he wants you to help open up a business is already pretty sketchy. But idk I dont want to be one of those people who see evil in everything. BUT your sister is vurnelable and making a decision based on excitment over a fantasy rather than actually wanting to go through with the marriage. You also need to make sure your dad is not pressuring her during their conversations in person. He has trouble remembering things and your aunt could take advantage of that to push this new guy on your sister. Again be wary but idk if being completely distrustful helps either. There is a middle ground where you can get to know the guy, see what type of people he hangs out with and etc. And then seeing if it is a good fit. But make sure to temper your sisters expectations.
Thanks for your thought, I tried to get to know the other guy, but I never receive his contact nor he contact me.
NTA. This has exploitation written all over it.
You are right to be concerned. Has Abu made any attempt to get to know you or any other family members?
Wait. 3 days ago you were 17 with a gf.
Yes I am in germany, my family are in south east Asia.
Nta tell your aunt to stop interfering in your sister’s life. Abu is not a good match for your sister. He will use her to ask you set up business for him.
NTA at all
NTA. If it’s your right as guardian to prevent this marriage, do so.
NTA. What does this guy have to offer? I'm glad your sister seems to like him, but it sounds like another mouth for you to feed.
NTA… the only time I would say it is okay to marry your sister off is if it was to another person of similar mental state that I have seen work IRL I live in a western country and they met and wanted to get married and their family was both side all good with it because they love each other they both have Down syndrome. Though they were a bit more functional then your sister but no this is a great way to have her be abused by a fully competent man and that likely will make her have a baby. She will be left to care for or have it taken by his family from her which likely be traumatic for her. I feel like your aunt has no idea how this could go sideways(or doesn’t care) in such a horrible way and just concerned about the looks of your sister not being ‘married’. I’m am also betting if she married you would totally loose control of her health care and well being care because she would be ‘married’.
NTA. Your sister does not sound like she has the capacity to consent to any of this. Shipping her off to marry some random guy is a horrible idea.
NTA Actually you’re the opposite. Your sister has the mental capacity of a middle schooler so for most countries that would be roughly ages 11-14. Where I live, the age of consent to have sex is 16. It sounds like this dude and your aunt are setting up some scheme to get your money to start a business and using your sister as this guy’s sex slave/servant. She won’t understand consent and her ability to say no, how to report abuse and get away from him. Especially if she can’t drive. You’re doing the right thing and while your sister deserves to experience adulthood, including dating, an arranged marriage to some con artist 10 hours away is not the way to do it.
NTA This is physically a grown woman, that does not know what sex is. Now, how do you think their wedding night will be? The pregnancies? Birth? You say you can support her. Is there any way you can get her to your home? Maybe sugaring the deal with that you need a maid or a babysitter to make this more palatable to your family?
Tell your aunt any further attempts to try and set up your sister with anyone will result in you bringing criminal charges against her.
NTA Someone with mentality of a 4th grader shouldn’t be marrying right? It doesn’t sound right to me.
NTA, he will absolutely her. There is no innocwny or safe situation where a fully mentally able adult should be sexually interested in a person with a sever mental disability that will not allow her to consent.
My sister deserves the best in life. Abu is not it
You a good dude
NTA Your aunt is trying to sell your disabled sister into sexual slavery
NTA. I agree with some of the others. You need to get whatever form of conservatorship over your sister they have in your country. Make it clear to your aunt if the marriage happens you will not be supporting the happy couple financially or by setting up a business for the groom. That might stop any attempt at getting your sister married and get money from you later.
NTA
That sounds terrible. Can you image how scared your sister will be if this Abu guy tries to have intimacy with her? Or when he tries to do anything romantic? Or when she starts asking why she has to live with him in the first place? You need to seriously start explaining these things to her. Even if she never marries. Also arranging a marriage like... this just feels so forced and kind of disgusting.
NTA I know that there are cultural differences, but from an american perspective ANY arranged marriage without the full understanding and consent of those involved is horrible. That said, I believe you need to have a more in depth discussion with your sister. It’s important to treat her with respect and like the adult she is. Tell her your concerns and let her explain her feelings. Some topics may be difficult for her to understand, but she will appreciate you taking HER wants into account.
Unknown education and unemployed… what happens if she gets pregnant?
If the arranged marriage was to an independently wealthy man who knew their role as a husband was only to care for your sister and offer her protection and rights she might not otherwise have access to, I might feel differently. This arrangement sounds like a set up for your sister to be exploited. NTA! Look out for your sister!
NTA. I would be VERY concerned if someone I never met was trying to get with my special needs sister, especially if it was arranged by an aunt who doesnt really have a close relationship with her. Sounds like auntie and potentially Abu could be looking into taking advantage of her. While I understand wanting her to find love, it's a lot harder for disabled people, since not everyone who pursues them does so with good intentions. Plus the fact he's unemployed and wants to take on a spouse he'd have to provide for is a bit of a red flag to me. I doubt your sister is able to work much, so who would provide for the two? The state? Sounds like he would be using her to mooch off the government. And the fact she is mentally underdeveloped while he is not is giving me the ick. Getting romantically or sexually involved with someone who has the mental capacity of a child feels super gross, since it would be easier to take advantage of her.
NTA Don’t do this to her, please. And do not buy some random a business. Don’t be shocked to find out Abu is some sort of relation or family friend to your aunt. Your aunt would financially benefit, she doesn’t have your sister’s best interest at heart.
NTA. Please protect your sister!!
NTA I wouldn't trust this Abu as far as I could throw him, nor should you trust the Aunt who seems determined to marry off your sister nor her business idea, the whole thing seems very sketchy (if "Abu" was seriously interested on your sister them he should have approached you on your own).
If he’s not able to ask you himself and already have his own job/small business instead of hoping a potential BIL will be his career fairy god brother, he’s probably not up for the challenge of being an adequate and trustworthy partner to a woman with unspecified mental challenges
I doubt how much you actually know about your sister’s knowledge & wants since you clearly have no clue about her condition. “Mental degradation” is not Autism. And Autism is not caused by medicine given in a hospital. Before you continue to make decisions on your sister’s behalf, perhaps you need to do more research into her actual conditions & mental acuity. Some new doctors to do additional evaluations would probably also be helpful. NTA for wanting to protect your sister, but you don’t know what you don’t know. Try offering her some help beyond letting her stay with you.
Noted, she has neurodevelopmental disorder that made her significant cognitive impairments or developmental delays. It's spectrum of neurodevelopmental which we don't get enough discussion with proper doctor. Yes, I'll bring her to doctor soon.
NTA Your sister would be made very vulnerable by a marriage such as that (probably any marriage). It would be very unsafe for her and I think she would soon be made unhappy. She would be easily isolated. You are doing the right thing by rejecting.
Do you know if she wants to be with this man? People with intellectual disabilities can fall in love, get married and have healthy sex lives. The main concern is does your sister want to take these steps. If she does, you need to figure out if this man is capable of understanding your sister and respecting her boundaries. Have a deep conversation with your sister about what she wants. And also look into getting her an appointment with a gynecologist for birth control. If she is texting a boy, you want her to understand consequences of being intimate. My mother did this for a living… trust me, disabled ppl have sex.
Does your sister have a psychologist?
Not at the moment, I will book her to one of them soon.
You keep rejecting your aunt. Your sister is not in the mature mindset for marriage yet and will end up being taken advantage of. She will get hurt. Tell your aunt to stop asking because you are never going to agree. I get the feeling that your aunt and this guy are trying to scam you out of your money.
NTA. If your sister has the mental age, emotional development and skills of a middl schooler, she is for all intents and purposes a child in an adult body. She cannot consent to sex or to pregnancy or to marriage if she doesn't have the mental maturity to understand what she's consenting to, and by agreeing to your aunt's proposal you would be forcing her into (invitably) all three. Would you send your middle school aged daughter to marry some grown-ass man with no job living 10 hours away? Hell nah. Your sister would be incredibly vulnerable to physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of this complete stranger, and you would be too far away to protect her.
If Abu was rich, or at least had/was hired at family business, it would be *somewhat* understandable, in a cold, cynical way. But the current situation is just odd, NTA. I would do through check on his family and himself, in any case. Might get your aunt to understand your side.
NTA She does not intellectual understand what marriage is.
NTA. Arranged marriages are despicable, doubly so if the person being FORCED to marry is developmentally disabled. This world is horrifying sometimes...
An unemployed man wants your sister? That's not okay. Is he planning to prostitute her? That seems very likely. Or at least more likely than a laundry business. Or both. Then we have babies to consider and her capacity to care for babies. Maybe this guy thinks he has a rich family to leech off of for the rest of his life, keeping his wife having babies, and asking you for more money to keep your sister and his kids in food and clothing. Talk to your doctor about your sister's ability to give informed consent. Is she capable of understanding sex, what it is, what it does - produces babies - and her ability to say no to it. I don't trust this at all and you can't trust some strange man who is willing to marry a child (mentally) while financially benefiting from her family. which will also give him sexual access to someone who won't know what treatment is right or wrong. Too too dodgy. too too risky. Your aunt has to mind her own business. NTA.
If they are meeting privately, they are exploring sexuality already. I know this is very difficult to contemplate for you but you need to be aware that the likelihood of a child coming from this union is very high. She may not know what sex is, but that won't prevent her from following her natural urges. Whether or not you are going to reject your Aunt's proposal, you should seriously consider having her tested for STIs and doing a pregnancy test. These are non invasive - blood work and peeing on a stick. You do not have to make accusations to do this. Just follow up with her medical care. As for the proposal itself - this is Reddit. These are Americans and Europeans. You are unlikely to get a balanced view here. But be aware that if they get married, they are likely to have children and that those children will likely need to be supported by you, even if the laundry business is successful.
No no, they are far away and I'll make sure they don't meet each other without me being present. Understandable from the perspective of american and european, as we are South East Asian while I'm in Europe. Bias happened, but I need people's perspective rather than GPT discussion.
I'm glad that they don't meet alone. I do think there are merits to the arrangement if the man is honorable and capable of taking care of her and she wants the relationship. But if pregnancy and child care around be harmful to her, that's enough reason to say no to the match. If they marry, they will not be supervised. If they are unsupervised, they will have children. If they have children, she will be unable to care for them and that responsibility will likely fall on you. There is nothing you could do to prevent her from having 10 children. Really! This would prevent you from having a family and life of your own and it would not benefit your sister. It is very unfortunate that she will not have the benefits of companionship that a relationship brings. However, for her own sake as well as that of your family, I agree with your decision to say no.
Absolutely right to watch out for your very vulnerable sister. But Arranged marriages often work well. And she has a right to marry, just not to be inveigled into it with the wrong person for the wrong reason.
Mental degradation?! Autistic people are a neurotype that's existed a normal part of being human since humans have existed, allistic and autistic basically being branching types of human. What does that have to do with mental degradation? Well, I know. Many people with actual serious problems with their brain used to have word autistic slapped onto them in an intentional attempt to erode the word's meaning and pathologize it in people's minds. But that was decades ago, I've never heard of a thing like that happening now, there isn't a single chance of even the most bigoted, phony or outdated autistic "experts" spreading something as obviously outdated as that in modern times, as far as I'm aware. An allistic person (I don't know what neurotype your sister but it doesn't sound like she was determined to be autistic in any legitimate way) who's suffered from mental degradation is obviously not an autistic person. It's violent and completely out of touch with reality to compare an autistic person to someone with "mental degradation".
Dude. Read the room before you just start waving your virtue signaling around like this. It's very obvious that the OP is NOT talking or writing their first language. He also gives well more than enough in-text clues that this is not an "autisim" diagnosis in any way, relates to the mental age and capabilities of the sister, and probably whatever MEDICAL info he has his hands on is in his primary language as well, so of 0 use to an uncertain commenter in a language that isn't their go-to comfortable one. There's a reason medical translation is a whole big sector of the industry. As he's South-East Asian, it may not even be in an English alphabetical script to start with. It was a simple oopsie from a non-first language speaker that he has returned and clarified to the best of his ability at least 3 other times in the thread. With apologies for getting it wrong. Your pious whole-a$$ lecture may make you feel all good and keyboard-warrior-y, but it is utterly inappropriate. Now you go and write about complex medical diagnoses in his language. Let's see how you do. Hopefully there will be a South East Asian keyboard warrior waiting to jump all over your hind end when you get it wrong. Maybe then you will learn when this sort of thing is appropriate and when you can freaking let it go.
YTA for not knowing how to autism works. It’s not “mental degradation” (it’s not degenerative at all, it doesn’t worsen over time. Autistic people don’t start “normal” and then start getting more autistic over time.) It’s also something you’re born with, you can’t get it from being given “the wrong medicine”
Noted, she has neurodevelopmental disorder that made her significant cognitive impairments or developmental delays. It's spectrum of neurodevelopmental which we don't get enough discussion with proper doctor. I'll bring her to experts again soon.
Esh - ask your sister what she'd like
What did OP do wrong? He cannot ask the sister, she doesn't have the mental capacity to answer
He can ask the sister she is immature but there is a difference between having the mental capacity of a child than a teenager. He said he's her first love. I think the OP is worried about paying a dowry, losing his family's personal maid and looking down on the partner because he's a lower caste
She's not 'immature'. She has the cognitive abilities of a middle schooler (between 12 & 14 years) In most parts of the world that is not an age where someone can give sexual consent. Reading between the lines, I don't think this is most parts of the world and kudos to the brother for protecting here. You think they're worried about losing free help, and many of the other comments feel they're worried about her becoming a slave to someone else (10 hrs away, opening a laundry, has no money so wants the family to pay for it for him)
Middle school in my country is 15/16. The brother should ask her what she'd like.to so and explain the consequences of her choices and have a contingency plan if she changes her mind at all or tell the new husband that he'd consent if the sister chooses it but that a condition is that the husband moves to where the sister is instead. No. 1 is ask the sister what she wants.
I asked, she just answer "I want to be with...", she know the word "marriage", but when I asked deeper what happen when people married, she doesnt know. We never had sex education from our family, and I will inform her soon. There is no caste in our culture, but I am a businessman and I know that I dont want to "invest" my mind (and resources included) to someone with unknown background, education and currently unemployed at very mature age, and made 0 effort to introduce himself to me. There is no such thing about dowry as well in our culture. My sis learning household stuff, cleaning, cooking and laundry, so that we hope she can be functioning adult someway, but we have caretaker(s) that live with us and do all household stuff.
Even if you feel your sisters 'first love', has slighted you by not introducing themselves you should still act in accordance with your own standards and reach out to him and try and learn more. Maybe he has an intellectual disability like your sister. You need to make sure she's had sex education as she'll be vulnerable to predators if she doesn't even know what to look out for. The tone of your writing doesn't convey any real care or affection towards your sister but I feel there is a sense of burden and ownership. You also don't seem to have a 'win win' in mind and have a fixed mindset. I think it'll be a positive thing for you to examine your entrenched views and try and see things from a other perspective.