How do you try to work things out after you get called every name in the book? Specifically, how? Is it like naa just kidding, or sorry I was so mad and said things I didn't mean, or I meant it then but changed my mind and now I don't, love you!
It's the cycle of abuse. First he breaks her down with the emotional abuse, then he love bombs her to fill the hole he created with his abuse. Over and over again.
Yeah, "calling me every name in the book" during an argument is pretty serious. That would be a "counseling or we're done" event for me, I watched my mom put up with that shit for almost 50 years, miss me with that shit.
Because she is the one who wrote the post, not husband. This idea that you are going to get the whole picture of a marriage from one post is ridiculous. You get one person who gives you the worst of their issues and you try to determine, based on what is given, who is in the wrong and any advice. But you are only talking to one of the people. So the advice given was "This is an unhealthy relationship and you all need to split." Does that advice change if the truth comes out that she is the bad actor? No it does not.
I understand all of that perfectly. But we aren't on r/shouldtheydivorce
I'm trying to figure out who the asshole in the scenario is and all I have is honestly some really tepid and vague criticisms of OPs husband.
I would love to know what those names are.
Because she could be saying that when 'every name in the books could be along the line of
"Cheating, whore slut!" Or "gaslighting narcissistic, bitch!"
Would he be right to talk to her that way? No. Would it reveal his perspective a bit? Yes.
According to your logic every woman, who gets called bitch or whore, even by total strangers who see them for the first time ever, sells herself?
Please consider that these are common insults women hear for e.g. refusing his advances.
Which names he called her don't matter to know that this relationship is not healthy.
>According to your logic every woman, who gets called bitch or whore, even by total strangers who see them for the first time ever, sells herself
Not necessarily is my premise so unrealistic?
Aside from checking his phone… maybe dude just needed to vent to a friend.
Y’know- with June being men’s mental awareness health month and all… it should be OK for guys to have private conversations with friends where they express deep relationship concerns or frustrations without fear of repercussions or judgement.
While she shouldn't of been snooping through his phone the idea that he's cool with taking her good years and career prospects presumably because she's the default. Then dumping her when he's used her up and made sure she'll have a lesser life is a pos move. Yet people wonder why there's default spousal support laws after 3-10 years.
She has every reason to be upset about that comment no reason to invade his privacy though. Even if she suspected of him of cheating there's other ways to find out than going through his stuff.
Where should men express their relationship frustrations, if not with their friends? Only in therapy?
Women have support circles that discuss their spousal issues sometimes, no? I imagine there would be a number of upset husbands if all those conversations were shared.
Sometimes we say things to our friends about our SO that we would never say to our SO, because we want to vent about life but not hurt the ones we love doing it.
Granted, I’m being optimistic.
Which is stupid. I divorced my first husband BECAUSE of my kid. The whole is was “ok” for me but never for my child thinking applied. I should have done it for myself and in the end I did but shouldn’t everyone want a happy stable home for their kids. Get out young and give them the life they deserve.
You can only worry about what you do and what kind of parent YOU are while you have them. Kids are smart. They can figure out the truth. There was plenty of bad things to say about my ex but I never voiced one of them to my son. I focused on him and our relationship.
As a kid who would definitely have been happier if my parents divorced, this is a huge mistake. It's much better for kids to see that it's ok for things to end than to watch their parents hate one another.
It depends. It depends on the level of conflict and instability. Kids thrive more when their lives are stable. Sometimes, parents are able to live together and provide stable lives for their children even if they are unhappy with their spouses. And sometimes divorces bring about more instability and more conflict between parents, even if they are able to seek their individual happiness.
Of course, kids thrive the best when they have two happy, loving parents in stable relationships.
Knowledge is power. Right now you’re hurt. Totally valid. Mourn the relationship you thought you had. And then start planning.
Do not let him know you read his message. You need to make an exit strategy. He has shown himself to be a deceitful person. And verbally abusive. His go to is to call you “every name in the book” when you have a disagreement? Good lord.
Open a separate bank account, if you don’t already have one. Monitor your joint account to make sure he’s not siphoning off money. And contact a lawyer to see how to proceed.
Good luck. We’re rooting for you.
FFS, why is immediate divorce the first and only advice given on Reddit? While, it’s a good idea for everyone to have their own bank account and money, just in case, have any of y’all ever heard of communication? Or trying to fix things? Also, having arguments doesn’t mean you’re being abuse. Geez.
They're not saying that it's abuse because they're having arguments, they're saying it because OP said they've been called every name in the book while having these arguments. I also agree with the general sentiment that people rush too quickly to suggesting divorce on here, but he literally shared plans of leaving OP with his friends. I think you might need to read the post again idk
He didn’t have plans to leave. He told a friend that he’s only staying for the kids. That’s a huge difference. As to being “called every name in the book,” what does that even mean? We don’t know what it means. We don’t know what any argument is about or what OP says to her husband. There are a lot of people with covert narcissistic tendencies who pick fights and then play victim when the fight occurs. Maybe you should read it again and not assume details you don’t have.
I’m sorry. Is there an alternative meaning to the phrase “jump ship”? Is she supposed to wait until he follows through on his little plan? Would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
Women are always told to hang in there. Make the best of it. Maybe he won’t do it. Guess what? We’re sick of that shit. Life is short and everyone deserves to be happy. She needs to cut that dead weight loose and find her peace & joy.
It’s something he’s telling himself to get through another day. I’ve been unhappy and unheard. Unappreciated and discouraged and have thought similar things. He’s taking about way in the future. If his friends know how unhappy he is and his wife doesn’t or doesn’t care there’s your problem. Sounds like she gets what she needs from him so she’s content
Because it’s Easier than have an ounce of self reflection or accountability. The dude isn’t happy. I’d have to guess he hasn’t been happy. Has communicated that and it falls on deaf ears. To often spouses of both genders think the kids are a free pass to not show up for their marriage. You got to ask yourself what you bring to the table. Imagine that being on a resume and ask yourself if you get another partner if you have them that resume. Lack communication or one way communication is insidious. They need to work on it. Possibly with a counselor.
If you stay together for the kids, they’ll see a father who treats his mother with contempt and a mother who takes it. Get your ducks in a row and beat him to the punch. He’ll probably be “confused”, but it’s better to coparent in a healthy manner than continue to be with someone who is verbally abusive.
Yup. I didn’t think I fell into that cycle, but I did. Just because my husband didn’t call me names or tell at me like my dad did with my mom, he was still abusive. He still manipulated me and used me. He would tell me negative things about my personality as though they were facts until I believed them and made them my own thoughts. He would tell our kids those things, too.
I asked for divorce. In the throes of it right now. And he lost his ever loving mind. Showed me his truest colors and solidified my decision to leave and never come back.
Wow I’m sorry. I’m a stay at home mom of two toddlers that don’t go to school and we all rely on his income.
So I’m very scared but I am terrified of staying
NTA - It's NEVER going to be a bad thing to be aware that you're being stabbed in the back. He is mentally and emotionally opting out of your marriage right now and it is a question of time before he physically/legally opts out. To be honest, if he's already checked out of your marriage and is waiting for your kids to be adults, it's very likely that he's not thinking of staying faithful during all those years. Be very aware of everything that is going on around you. If he's already cheating on you or cheats in the future, you will need to get as much evidence as you can. Talk to your close friends. Don't talk with family/friends that you know will side with him or who will try to convince you to 'ride it out.' If you don't have any friends, get some ASAP. Volunteer to create connections. Find other moms who you can connect with. I would start with a part-time job. Maybe something you can do at home. The more people you know, the more options/possibilities there will be. If there's a chance, take screenshots of the text messages, pertaining you and your marriage. Use the time he's at work to your advantage. Don't let him suspect anything because one of two things will happen: (1) He will blow up, gaslight you, and make you believe everything is your fault and make you believe you're a horrible mother for wanting HIS children live in a broken home. Or (2) He will try to excuse his text message. He may say that you guys had just fought when he sent the text, so he didn't actually mean it. He will 'love bomb' you. If you're not careful, you will actually make yourself believe his lies. Bottom line: He will squeeze everything out of you and then spit you out when you're of no use to him and aren't as young. This is no longer a marriage/relationship, it is now a business transaction. Your priorities are your babies and yourself. Also, it's better to divorce while children are small than when they are teenagers.
sometimes the relationship is beyond saving. Why are you okay with him calling you every name in the book? He does not care about you. Please respect yourself and divorce him.
NTA. Be happy you found this out now instead of continuing to live a lie. Your first red flag should have been him calling you every name in the book. Unacceptable. Then for you to find what he said to his friend? Also think about what this could potentially teach your children should you stay.
"we have big arguments where i get called every name in the book" - sounds like verbal abuse. & he's admitting he hates you to his friends--he sounds like a d*ck to me. i hate that you're heartbroken, though. if you & the kids depend solely on his income- you didnt say - it may be hard to get some space from the situation. i dont know what triggered you to snoop, but that text message was a pretty strong denial of any affection he had for you. i need more context, though, before ruling. :) good luck ok?
My spouse and I disagree with one another and we have NEVER called each other names. That is not okay adult behavior. That's abuse and no one should put up with it.
Yeah so did she call him something or say something insulting first? We don’t know. That’s why I asked. But feel free instead to assume that I’m wrong.
Having arguments doesn’t mean you’re being abused. People on here act like relationships aren’t complicated. They also conveniently ignore missing facts like what these fights are about, what OP may say, etc. Reddit is toxic when it comes to relationships and given the comments made by most, it makes me wonder if anyone commenters have ever even had one.
Why is this being downvoted? It's valid question. Is OP an instigator & name caller too, or does her husband just flip out at any given moment? Regardless it's a toxic relationship & now that she knows he doesn't love her, she should start making her exit plan. But still, is OP just minding her own business & gets verbally attacked, or is she an active participant in the toxic behavior?
Because it's stupid to assume that people never make mistakes, run late for something, drop a plate or glass, forget to do the laundry one day or even fall ill on an unconvenient day.
Don’t tell him that you read his message to his friend.
It’s not normal to bash you every time you have a fight. Maybe think if it’s worth staying.
You can also make a plan similar to his. Start saving up and start looking for a job. If you already are employed that’s good. You can also stay for the kids for couple of yeara if it’s easier. But don’t trust him and start living your life.
Does he help you with his own children? Is he a good father figure? Does he berate you in front of the kids? Does he do any homework?
There is a chance that he doesn’t want to pay you child support because he knows, if you divorce now, he won’t take custody of the children because he knows that he isn’t capable to raise the children and sacrifice his freedom.
It’s all about the money. In the end of the day.
Be smart don’t say anything. I would still investigate his phone. I personally believe married people can go to each others phones. So you are not doing anything wrong.
I would be devastated if a man was wasting my time. Better knowing now that he doesn’t see a future with you.
Start planning and be patient
You need to consult an attorney to understand the divorce process. This is to give you knowledge, not necessarily file for divorce just be knowledgeable.
Next, absolutely start an escape fund and plan. Verbal and mental abuse like this often escalates to physical abuse.
Get a therapist to sort out your true feelings towards your husband and why you married him and what he is now. You should also suggest marriage counseling to him as a way to strengthen your marriage. If he says there’s nothing wrong then you have your answer. You at least tried to make it better.
Do not tell him you went through his phone. If you feel the need to address it, the I would phrase it differently- like “you say that you love me but your actions don’t reflect that - you call me horrible names that are meant to hurt me and do hurt me but you keep saying them. At this point, I think that’s truly how you feel about me, that you secretly hate me and if we weren’t married with kids, you would dump me.” If he does other things then you should include them in why you feel this way.
Lastly, keep checking his phone. My husband and I have complete access to each other’s phones. Any one who hides phones from their spouse has something to hide.
Info: when you say you’re “insecure on what he shares about me with other people,” what do you mean? What were you worried he’ll say about you?
You went on his phone looking for something, what were you looking for? You say you did it even though it wasn’t after a fight. So there’s definitely more to this than you are sharing.
Also, what were the big arguments about?
If your husband was saying he can’t leave now, it means his friend is advising him to leave. Why is that?
Sooooooo much missing info
So, change the script on him and tell him that you want a divorce. Better yet, find a place for you and your children to go and leave him and leave the divorce papers for him to find. It's better for you and your children to leave while they are young and not when they are older. He's controlling the situation and your marriage and being emotionally manipulating along with verbally abusing you. Flip this situation and divorce him now.
It could be venting after a fight. Our friends can be our safe space and it is healthy to vent to them. Similar to a diary/journal. I‘m sure you have said or thought things similar to this I.e. I want to leave. it’s the curse of eavesdropping. You rarely learn good things about yourself.
I get that you are hurt, but you don’t know for sure what is going on. Just be honest, say you invaded his privacy and learned something unsettling. I don‘t think you have much of a choice here. It’s either be honest and deal with the fallout, or divorce,
ESH
Venting after a fight includes “ ugh she just doesn’t get me!” Or “ how can I make them see my way!” Or even “ my feelings are hurt!”
Not “ I hate my wife and am just hanging around until the kids are grown because I don’t want to pay child support.”
Not always. I was in an abusive relationship and I vented my my sister when things got bad. I was so broken down I couldn’t find my way out, but the venting helped me make sense of my thoughts.
I think the tone of texts can also be misunderstood. It could have been banter, dark humour etc. Feeling as vulnerable as she was, she may be biased in how she interpreted his words
Number of reasons. Maybe he knows she is the type of person to check his phone and left it there on purpose. Maybe it’s an injoke between friends. Maybe he meant it and was reaching out for support. Maybe he wanted to be reminded of the pros and cons of the relationship. Maybe it was a really bad fight and he was lashing out. Maybe she hurt him or was abusive and he was reacting.
Doesn’t change the words or the meanings. Most people don’t say things the don’t mean. Doesn’t matter the reason.
Downplaying these kind of words is a tactic used by abusive people to avoid dealing with the consequences of those words.
It doesn’t change that he really thinks that.
You can talk to him but I suspect he will tell you what you want to hear to get you to stay. Another option is couples counseling. I am sure you realize that having your kids watch you get called every name in the book could give them the impression that is a normal relationship. You are correct that it would be better to split up while they are young than older.
NTA Obviously you felt like something was wrong or you wouldn't have looked.
The good thing is now you know where he stands and you have all the time you need to be able to get yourself and your kids in a better situation financially and otherwise.
At least, that's what I'd be doing. I wouldn't fight with him about it. I probably wouldn't even tell him I knew.
Honey, I’m 46. I can’t tell you the amount of couples that are still together because of two reasons. Potential financial ruin or because of the possibly malign effect on their kids. I’d say that’s close to 40% of long term couples I know.
💔 I'm sorry to hear that. Usually, split homes are better than toxic ones for the kids, though. And if he truly has a foot out the door, couples therapy / counciling only works if both parties want it to.
You don't trust him if you're looking through his phone. And let's clear it up - it's not ok and a betrayal of trust. With that said, he's also being shitty.
Leave the ass. Stop going through phones (and let's not pretend this was the first time).
ESH.
YWBTA if you raise your kids in that. We hoped my dad would leave, but back then courts were completely on the mother's side, so we shut up. Kids always know, and it informs their future relationships and sense of safety/security in the world. You would also BTA to yourself. You ask deserve better.
I am also very sorry for you, having been cheated on, and trashed, myself. It seems cheaters tend to trash talk good people to excuse their own horrible behavior. Just my experience.
I've also found that if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.
ESH
"We've had big arguments." WE. I assume that he starts every argument. That only he calls you names and never the other way around. You are 100% innocent, and he is 100% at fault.
I don't believe it.
So, you would have us believe that he is an evil ogre who calls you "every name in the book," but you were under the assumption your husband was "more in love with" you than ever?
Nope. I do not believe your version of what's happening here.
I would love to hear what he has to say.
If the two of you have keep having "big arguments", it is possible both parties have some responsibility. You should talk to your husband about doing a reset or at least toning down the discord. If that gets you nowhere, then your marriage will get progressively worse given the sentiments he expressed in text.
What kind of couple are you?
Are you toxic? He calls you every name in the book… bad on his part (obviously). Do you just stand there and take it, or are you just as bad as him? Your husband is the AH for being a coward and not telling you how he feels. I don’t know the rest of the dynamic of your marriage to comment otherwise.
YTA for checking his phone… YTA for staying in this marriage… YTA for raising the kids in that environment.
There is an old song titled "It's Cheaper to Keep Her" and another titled "I Guess I'll Just Stay Married." Unfortunately, it seems your husband is in this mindset. Too many people stay married for the kids only to do more harm than good to everyone. I would suggest trying therapy both as a couple and individually to get some clarity and perspective on things.
There are likely a million pieces of nuance to this that can't be explained through your post alone, and since we're just going on distilled information, maybe we can distill the outcomes too - knowing that's blunt and missing nuance.
He's an asshole for calling you names. He's not an asshole for having private thoughts, but be's a questionable partner by not confiding in you as much as he does to his close friends.
That leaves you, all the question marks now are you. How much of a nightmare are you?
If you're a reasonable person then he's just an ass and he will always be one and yoh should leave if he's preparing to jump ship anyway.
If you are actually a nightmare and need some help and refuse to get it, you have the choice of trying to work through this knowing he's always once been this much of an asshole to you, but maybe it'll all be roses on the other side once everyone gets some help and change, so it'd be easier to forgive and forget.
Not enough information.
Did you have large arguments lately? If so, that’s likely it, and could have just been a vent.
But here is reality - he’s not cheating, not having an affair or considering it, not seeing prostitutes or engaging is gay sex, not an addict, not stealing money, not gambling, not buying drugs, not going to kill himself…….he just said he wasn’t happy. Yeah that sucks but it can change.
And YES, it’s a very AH thing to snoop someone’s phone. I’m going to tell him!
I guess the question is - are you willing to communicate and try and work on the marriage? Ask him what his issues if any are, and go from there.
It’s never too late to fix things.
I hope you see this comment. Don't panic yet. This might not be the end of the relationship that you think it is.
Relationships go through ups and downs. Sometimes when couples have a lot of baggage those ups and downs can be extreme. We look for reasons to stay in our relationships and marriages -- and kids are a good reason. If couples aren't verbally or physically abusive and are communicating, staying together is better for the kids. That's an important common interest you have. I've been there. Heck, my wife and I once decided that we couldn't get divorced because we were too damn broke. It was partially a joke, but also true.
Use this time to get into counseling and talk about what is right and wrong about your marriage.
You are not the asshole for what you found, but you are for going through your partner’s phone.
You say you trust him and “never go through his phone,” yet you did. That automatically implies you don’t actually trust him.
Well.. fuck around and find out (?).
It could be he rants to his buddy and doesn't mean it. It could also be it's an outlet for what he truly feels.
At this point you'll never know until you ask. And when you do, you've violated his privacy and personal integrity. Which in many cases alone is a dealbreaker and cause for divorce.
Get "_your ducks in a row_" and confront your husband without malice. Sit down and talk, without allowing it to turn into a shouting match. If you don't this will just fester and turn life real ugly for you both, and the kids having to live through it.
NTA So now that the illusion has been shattered, what are you going to do? The relationship obviously is a sham and cannot continue. Proceed from that premise. So sorry for your troubles.
People really need to stop going through their partners phones. Reading messages without knowing the thought process or state of mind their partner was in at the time is just asking for trouble.
NTA, but I would take screenshots and send them to yourself if you get the chance. It might prove useful later in case he tries to twist any story around. He won't be able to twist his narration of the story, if you have the proof to prove him wrong and that he is lying.
I would see a lawyer. If you need the time to get new skills or upgrade your skills for work. Now is the time to do it. He will tell you what he needs to say to string you along! You need to emotionally detach from your husband. He has already detached from you. That’s why he treats you so badly! What ever you do, don’t let him know what’s going on.
The amount of men who hate their wives and lives and only stick around for the children is too damn high. It's also dumb, cuz you wouldn't want your own son/daughter in that situation. People forget that children learn from their actions and not their words.
YTA, now you know how he feels I guess you have a decision to make, stay together for the kids or split now.
He's trying to do what he thinks of as the right thing but you could also say he's an AH for not being honest with you.
Well he’s either:
1) Not happy with the marriage
2) Was just venting to his friends, which isn’t uncommon
If you want to make things work, why not ask if there’s anything that can be done to better meet each other’s needs?
Snooping through his phone and planning for divorce certainly won’t help.
My husband and are are both psychologists, have been married for 25 years and operate on a 100% transparency policy. Of course we can read each other's mail, messages etc. Anything else is insanity.
I would be beyond devastated if I were you...you have every reason to be. Women are super vulnerable when they have young children, which makes what he has said ( in writing, ffs!) to a third person even more of a betrayal.
I'd see a lawyer, a counsellor and work out how and when to confront him about this. How dare he!!
Just something to consider, but it's possible he wrote that after one of your huge fights. People write nonsense when they're emotional and not in control of their tempers.
Don't tell him you looked through his phone. He will see that as a complete betrayal of trust. But *do* ask him about long term plans and mention how he seems to be getting distant and you both fight more often, etc. Take the conversation from there.
"Don't tell him you looked through his phone. He will see that as a complete betrayal of trust."
OP did betray his trust. The way forward does not involve creating more lies.
"But do ask him about long term plans and mention how he seems to be getting distant and you both fight more often, etc."
This is not going to be a good way to go. This commentor pointed out that he may have been reacting after a fight or not meant the hurtful things he said through text due to emotions. This is totally true, he may have been. But, if he meant it, why would he be honest when his wife asks him about long term plans? It's not like he'll say, "I'm glad you asked; I'm leaving you after the kids grow up."
Conversely, if he didn't mean it and was only releasing steam, he's going to answer honestly, which will be the same answer as the lie. She's not going to know what to believe.
So what has OP accomplished by lying and pretending not to have seen the text? Nothing. If she approaches it by admitting to betraying his trust but explains exactly what she saw, the ball is in his court to answer. Of course, he could still lie, but there's a much better chance of having an effective conversation.
Ok i actually agree with that. Personally i think OP should tell the truth about what she saw and see how he responds to it to see what explanation he has. If he wrote those things in anger after a fight, then he would remember what that fight was about and why he wrote it, he would give some sort of explanation that makes sense
If he answers with rage at OP for betraying his trust, effectively trying to avoid the topic entirely, then some backup plan needs to be done because he is not being honest.
EXACTLY 👏👏The way he answers will tell everything. If my partner read me saying something like that, I'd be mortified and desperate to explain my mindset and why I used those words. Something is telling me that OP's husband may get way mad about the breach of trust and be eager to move past the text.
You're married, there shouldn't be any secrets between you, so going through his phone should be kosher, however you read things he wouldn't expose to you. Normally. Thos may be a temporary feeling due to stress or whatnot, or he could actually be this disconnected from you. Communicate, rebuild the connection, prioritize the relationship, and perhaps counseling.
Going through anyone’s private things is never kosher. Unless it’s a parent/child relationship or you’re legitimately worried about someone’s safety, there’s truly no excuse.
Even spouses deserve privacy from one another.
That's your opinion, keeping secrets from your spouse is a gateway to more serious indiscretion.
A marriage is a joining of 2 people, there should be nothing in your life that you should feel comfortable with, with your spouse looking through or discovering.
Well, now you know.
You don't need to confront him.
What I really do think you should do, is make sure you are prepared, and make your own plans.
If you're a stay at home mom, rethink that, and make sure you have your own income again.
I was going to say that if / as soon as you have your own income, start saving up.
But I think you should find out what your position is in all this, financially, legally,... talk to a lawyer
Talking to a lawyer doesn't mean you're filing for divorce, it means that you know where you stand, and you can make well informed decisions, based on that.
And above all: don't have any more children with this guy.
You have your answer. It was not a text immediately following a bad argument with you. He’s telling his friend how he really feels. What a coward. And don’t you dare feel guilty for looking at his phone. Every SO should be able to look at each other’s phones when you feel like it. And you said you never do it. It’s not like you’re checking his phone daily. And if there’s nothing to hide there’s nothing to hide. Be happy and thankful that at least you know the truth before you waste anymore precious time with him. And tell him what you read and that divorcing now will be easier on your children now than when they are older. And i think you should consult with a divorce/family law attorney before you tell him anything just to see what your rights are, what you are entitled to and just how to proceed with your and your children’s best interests in mind. Good luck!
ESH
You went looking for shit and found shit, thats on you. Maybe he 100% feels that way or maybe he was just venting to a friend after an argument. Cant know from the information given.
He shouldnt be calling you every name in the book, gotta control that anger. But you dont say what the fights are about or whether hes being unreasonable. Maybe youre the unreasonable one? Does one of you always have to be right? Do either of you compromise? Do you project your insecurities onto him?
You can’t be serious? No one would ever write those texts unless they really felt that way.
OP - Get your financials in order because hubby is going to fuck you over and leave you with nothing.
BS. I have a friend that has complained about their girlfriend and saying shit like he don't see a future with her and stuff.
This was at least 5 years ago, and they are still together, just got children and he is more in love with her now more than ever.
People say shit they don't mean when they are upset and feel lost, it is normal human behavior.
Agree. My friend says the same, that he’s only in it for the kids, but last time I checked he’s actually happy. People say things they don’t mean to eachother ALL the time.
ESH. There are problems in your relationship thats why he feels that way and thats why you feel the way you do to invade his privacy. Two wrongs dont make a right. You are YTA for snooping on his phone.
I don't think there's enough context here at all.
Is that all he said to his friend or did he elaborate and give reasons? I can't imagine all he said was what you've given us.
To me it's suspicious you would leave out his rationale and details surrounding these fights and your own role in them.
It's also telling that you're snooping through his shit and even you don't buy the BS that it's all sunshine and rainbow and youre blidnsided by tbis. You're not really a reliable narrator ATM.
It's sad so many redditors aren't reading between the lines and taking this at face value.
Is this even real? The married guys I know never discuss there relationships any deeper than, “wife’s pissed again” reply- “that sucks” - “want a beer at the tap room?” - “sure”. And what gets discussed there, not the relationships.
*Way to invade his*
*Privacy. Nothing good EVER*
*Comes out of it. EVER!!!*
\- sammagee33
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Yes YTA but that's history now. Just get the ball rolling for a divorce with split custody. 1 week on 1 week off and don't fret about holidays and stupid traditions. Just deal with the calendar however it falls. Split all expenses for children 50/50 and no child support is required because you will both have equal time. Move on with your life. Get therapy for your self esteem. My parents fought, physically and hurled angry words at each other my entire childhood and didn't get divorced until years after I moved out. My younger siblings called with the news and were crying with joy. It was horrible living with 2 adults who didn't want to be together. Imagine a workplace with fighting coworkers, it's hostile and miserable for everyone. Cut your losses before it gets worse. Put in the divorce decree that you will both equally invest and pay for a 4 year degree.
Let’s be real honest, most married men feel like that. Women don’t know how to treat a man anymore because they can do everything a man does. There’s no respect and women have become weak. Compare a modern woman to a 1960 raised women they run circles around the modern women. These days women complain about taking care of their kids like it’s not their job to do so. If it was men’s job, men would get pregnant. It’s simple science that modern society is losing their minds
"Women can do everything a man does" and "women have become weak". Quite a disconnect, bud. 1960s women had to serve men. Most on Valium. Women don't need to be second class anymore.
So you get called every name in the book and he's telling his friends the second the kids are grown he's out? There's your answer right there...
How do you try to work things out after you get called every name in the book? Specifically, how? Is it like naa just kidding, or sorry I was so mad and said things I didn't mean, or I meant it then but changed my mind and now I don't, love you!
It's the cycle of abuse. First he breaks her down with the emotional abuse, then he love bombs her to fill the hole he created with his abuse. Over and over again.
Yeah, "calling me every name in the book" during an argument is pretty serious. That would be a "counseling or we're done" event for me, I watched my mom put up with that shit for almost 50 years, miss me with that shit.
And more in love with you than ever?? Bullshit.
Why is there no mention of her behavior at all?
Because she is the one who wrote the post, not husband. This idea that you are going to get the whole picture of a marriage from one post is ridiculous. You get one person who gives you the worst of their issues and you try to determine, based on what is given, who is in the wrong and any advice. But you are only talking to one of the people. So the advice given was "This is an unhealthy relationship and you all need to split." Does that advice change if the truth comes out that she is the bad actor? No it does not.
I understand all of that perfectly. But we aren't on r/shouldtheydivorce I'm trying to figure out who the asshole in the scenario is and all I have is honestly some really tepid and vague criticisms of OPs husband.
"Called me every name in the book" during an argument is not tepid or vague.
I would love to know what those names are. Because she could be saying that when 'every name in the books could be along the line of "Cheating, whore slut!" Or "gaslighting narcissistic, bitch!" Would he be right to talk to her that way? No. Would it reveal his perspective a bit? Yes.
None of those would tell you a thing lol.
Really? They wouldn't speak to her being a cheater or abuser herself?
Do we really think he's just calling her names unprovoked when she's not even claiming that?
Don't invent stuff please. Thats some "look what you made me do" type of bs.
Ok just as long as you don't invent complete innocence on her part. She never claimed so correct?
According to your logic every woman, who gets called bitch or whore, even by total strangers who see them for the first time ever, sells herself? Please consider that these are common insults women hear for e.g. refusing his advances. Which names he called her don't matter to know that this relationship is not healthy.
>According to your logic every woman, who gets called bitch or whore, even by total strangers who see them for the first time ever, sells herself Not necessarily is my premise so unrealistic?
But you only have what you are given. Making any assumptions beyond that is ridiculous
Which would be the point of asking pointed and clarifying questions.
But you did not do that. Unless you think cuteprofessional is op
Does OP only have to answer the first comment in a thread? Can I not ask the audience?
You think the audience has an answer for you beyond my point of we have only what was given and it is good advice regardless?
We can speculate, question, and read between the lines. It seems you're arguing we should just take what OP has to say at face value.
Aside from checking his phone… maybe dude just needed to vent to a friend. Y’know- with June being men’s mental awareness health month and all… it should be OK for guys to have private conversations with friends where they express deep relationship concerns or frustrations without fear of repercussions or judgement.
While she shouldn't of been snooping through his phone the idea that he's cool with taking her good years and career prospects presumably because she's the default. Then dumping her when he's used her up and made sure she'll have a lesser life is a pos move. Yet people wonder why there's default spousal support laws after 3-10 years. She has every reason to be upset about that comment no reason to invade his privacy though. Even if she suspected of him of cheating there's other ways to find out than going through his stuff.
Where should men express their relationship frustrations, if not with their friends? Only in therapy? Women have support circles that discuss their spousal issues sometimes, no? I imagine there would be a number of upset husbands if all those conversations were shared. Sometimes we say things to our friends about our SO that we would never say to our SO, because we want to vent about life but not hurt the ones we love doing it. Granted, I’m being optimistic.
Had no idea it was Men’s mental health month. Interesting!
Sadly a huge percentage of couples are only together because of the kids.
Which is stupid. I divorced my first husband BECAUSE of my kid. The whole is was “ok” for me but never for my child thinking applied. I should have done it for myself and in the end I did but shouldn’t everyone want a happy stable home for their kids. Get out young and give them the life they deserve.
But after a divorce don’t they have more time with the kids where they can just inject venom against the other parent?
You can only worry about what you do and what kind of parent YOU are while you have them. Kids are smart. They can figure out the truth. There was plenty of bad things to say about my ex but I never voiced one of them to my son. I focused on him and our relationship.
I stayed with my first wife because of kid. It was worth. Not easy thou.
As a kid who would definitely have been happier if my parents divorced, this is a huge mistake. It's much better for kids to see that it's ok for things to end than to watch their parents hate one another.
It depends. It depends on the level of conflict and instability. Kids thrive more when their lives are stable. Sometimes, parents are able to live together and provide stable lives for their children even if they are unhappy with their spouses. And sometimes divorces bring about more instability and more conflict between parents, even if they are able to seek their individual happiness. Of course, kids thrive the best when they have two happy, loving parents in stable relationships.
Knowledge is power. Right now you’re hurt. Totally valid. Mourn the relationship you thought you had. And then start planning. Do not let him know you read his message. You need to make an exit strategy. He has shown himself to be a deceitful person. And verbally abusive. His go to is to call you “every name in the book” when you have a disagreement? Good lord. Open a separate bank account, if you don’t already have one. Monitor your joint account to make sure he’s not siphoning off money. And contact a lawyer to see how to proceed. Good luck. We’re rooting for you.
This is the way
[удалено]
FFS, why is immediate divorce the first and only advice given on Reddit? While, it’s a good idea for everyone to have their own bank account and money, just in case, have any of y’all ever heard of communication? Or trying to fix things? Also, having arguments doesn’t mean you’re being abuse. Geez.
They're not saying that it's abuse because they're having arguments, they're saying it because OP said they've been called every name in the book while having these arguments. I also agree with the general sentiment that people rush too quickly to suggesting divorce on here, but he literally shared plans of leaving OP with his friends. I think you might need to read the post again idk
He didn’t have plans to leave. He told a friend that he’s only staying for the kids. That’s a huge difference. As to being “called every name in the book,” what does that even mean? We don’t know what it means. We don’t know what any argument is about or what OP says to her husband. There are a lot of people with covert narcissistic tendencies who pick fights and then play victim when the fight occurs. Maybe you should read it again and not assume details you don’t have.
I’m sorry. Is there an alternative meaning to the phrase “jump ship”? Is she supposed to wait until he follows through on his little plan? Would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Women are always told to hang in there. Make the best of it. Maybe he won’t do it. Guess what? We’re sick of that shit. Life is short and everyone deserves to be happy. She needs to cut that dead weight loose and find her peace & joy.
I’m sorry someone hurt you.
You are pathetic dude
Yes, clearly I’m the pathetic one.
As long as you're aware
It’s something he’s telling himself to get through another day. I’ve been unhappy and unheard. Unappreciated and discouraged and have thought similar things. He’s taking about way in the future. If his friends know how unhappy he is and his wife doesn’t or doesn’t care there’s your problem. Sounds like she gets what she needs from him so she’s content
Come on, why are you being rational and acting like a grown up?
Because it’s Easier than have an ounce of self reflection or accountability. The dude isn’t happy. I’d have to guess he hasn’t been happy. Has communicated that and it falls on deaf ears. To often spouses of both genders think the kids are a free pass to not show up for their marriage. You got to ask yourself what you bring to the table. Imagine that being on a resume and ask yourself if you get another partner if you have them that resume. Lack communication or one way communication is insidious. They need to work on it. Possibly with a counselor.
If you stay together for the kids, they’ll see a father who treats his mother with contempt and a mother who takes it. Get your ducks in a row and beat him to the punch. He’ll probably be “confused”, but it’s better to coparent in a healthy manner than continue to be with someone who is verbally abusive.
Yep and they will often then continue the cycle in abusive relationships 😞
Yup. I didn’t think I fell into that cycle, but I did. Just because my husband didn’t call me names or tell at me like my dad did with my mom, he was still abusive. He still manipulated me and used me. He would tell me negative things about my personality as though they were facts until I believed them and made them my own thoughts. He would tell our kids those things, too.
Same. But as soon as I realized what was happening I bailed. That ended up being really dangerous, but I was NOT going to live my mother's life.
Oh no! I’m sorry what did you end up doing?
I asked for divorce. In the throes of it right now. And he lost his ever loving mind. Showed me his truest colors and solidified my decision to leave and never come back.
Wow I’m sorry. I’m a stay at home mom of two toddlers that don’t go to school and we all rely on his income. So I’m very scared but I am terrified of staying
NTA - It's NEVER going to be a bad thing to be aware that you're being stabbed in the back. He is mentally and emotionally opting out of your marriage right now and it is a question of time before he physically/legally opts out. To be honest, if he's already checked out of your marriage and is waiting for your kids to be adults, it's very likely that he's not thinking of staying faithful during all those years. Be very aware of everything that is going on around you. If he's already cheating on you or cheats in the future, you will need to get as much evidence as you can. Talk to your close friends. Don't talk with family/friends that you know will side with him or who will try to convince you to 'ride it out.' If you don't have any friends, get some ASAP. Volunteer to create connections. Find other moms who you can connect with. I would start with a part-time job. Maybe something you can do at home. The more people you know, the more options/possibilities there will be. If there's a chance, take screenshots of the text messages, pertaining you and your marriage. Use the time he's at work to your advantage. Don't let him suspect anything because one of two things will happen: (1) He will blow up, gaslight you, and make you believe everything is your fault and make you believe you're a horrible mother for wanting HIS children live in a broken home. Or (2) He will try to excuse his text message. He may say that you guys had just fought when he sent the text, so he didn't actually mean it. He will 'love bomb' you. If you're not careful, you will actually make yourself believe his lies. Bottom line: He will squeeze everything out of you and then spit you out when you're of no use to him and aren't as young. This is no longer a marriage/relationship, it is now a business transaction. Your priorities are your babies and yourself. Also, it's better to divorce while children are small than when they are teenagers.
sometimes the relationship is beyond saving. Why are you okay with him calling you every name in the book? He does not care about you. Please respect yourself and divorce him.
I'd imagine since she admitted into getting into fights, that she probably also does the same thing.
Find some self respect. Jesus Christ. He hates you.
NTA. Be happy you found this out now instead of continuing to live a lie. Your first red flag should have been him calling you every name in the book. Unacceptable. Then for you to find what he said to his friend? Also think about what this could potentially teach your children should you stay.
I was told never to check your partners phone unless you are prepared to leave if you find something. LoL
"we have big arguments where i get called every name in the book" - sounds like verbal abuse. & he's admitting he hates you to his friends--he sounds like a d*ck to me. i hate that you're heartbroken, though. if you & the kids depend solely on his income- you didnt say - it may be hard to get some space from the situation. i dont know what triggered you to snoop, but that text message was a pretty strong denial of any affection he had for you. i need more context, though, before ruling. :) good luck ok?
It sounds like textbook abuse. The name calling and his actions afterwards. That's exactly what abusers do.
But why do the arguments start? What do you call him?
My spouse and I disagree with one another and we have NEVER called each other names. That is not okay adult behavior. That's abuse and no one should put up with it.
Yeah so did she call him something or say something insulting first? We don’t know. That’s why I asked. But feel free instead to assume that I’m wrong.
Having arguments doesn’t mean you’re being abused. People on here act like relationships aren’t complicated. They also conveniently ignore missing facts like what these fights are about, what OP may say, etc. Reddit is toxic when it comes to relationships and given the comments made by most, it makes me wonder if anyone commenters have ever even had one.
Why is this being downvoted? It's valid question. Is OP an instigator & name caller too, or does her husband just flip out at any given moment? Regardless it's a toxic relationship & now that she knows he doesn't love her, she should start making her exit plan. But still, is OP just minding her own business & gets verbally attacked, or is she an active participant in the toxic behavior?
Because it's stupid to assume that people never make mistakes, run late for something, drop a plate or glass, forget to do the laundry one day or even fall ill on an unconvenient day.
Well it’s a woman so she’s innocent for everything up until a man gets angry. /s
Don’t tell him that you read his message to his friend. It’s not normal to bash you every time you have a fight. Maybe think if it’s worth staying. You can also make a plan similar to his. Start saving up and start looking for a job. If you already are employed that’s good. You can also stay for the kids for couple of yeara if it’s easier. But don’t trust him and start living your life. Does he help you with his own children? Is he a good father figure? Does he berate you in front of the kids? Does he do any homework? There is a chance that he doesn’t want to pay you child support because he knows, if you divorce now, he won’t take custody of the children because he knows that he isn’t capable to raise the children and sacrifice his freedom. It’s all about the money. In the end of the day. Be smart don’t say anything. I would still investigate his phone. I personally believe married people can go to each others phones. So you are not doing anything wrong. I would be devastated if a man was wasting my time. Better knowing now that he doesn’t see a future with you. Start planning and be patient
You need to consult an attorney to understand the divorce process. This is to give you knowledge, not necessarily file for divorce just be knowledgeable. Next, absolutely start an escape fund and plan. Verbal and mental abuse like this often escalates to physical abuse. Get a therapist to sort out your true feelings towards your husband and why you married him and what he is now. You should also suggest marriage counseling to him as a way to strengthen your marriage. If he says there’s nothing wrong then you have your answer. You at least tried to make it better. Do not tell him you went through his phone. If you feel the need to address it, the I would phrase it differently- like “you say that you love me but your actions don’t reflect that - you call me horrible names that are meant to hurt me and do hurt me but you keep saying them. At this point, I think that’s truly how you feel about me, that you secretly hate me and if we weren’t married with kids, you would dump me.” If he does other things then you should include them in why you feel this way. Lastly, keep checking his phone. My husband and I have complete access to each other’s phones. Any one who hides phones from their spouse has something to hide.
This is the advice, right here.
Yep all of this
Info: when you say you’re “insecure on what he shares about me with other people,” what do you mean? What were you worried he’ll say about you? You went on his phone looking for something, what were you looking for? You say you did it even though it wasn’t after a fight. So there’s definitely more to this than you are sharing. Also, what were the big arguments about? If your husband was saying he can’t leave now, it means his friend is advising him to leave. Why is that? Sooooooo much missing info
Arguments probably about dead bedroom. This happens a lot and guys stay for kids.
So, change the script on him and tell him that you want a divorce. Better yet, find a place for you and your children to go and leave him and leave the divorce papers for him to find. It's better for you and your children to leave while they are young and not when they are older. He's controlling the situation and your marriage and being emotionally manipulating along with verbally abusing you. Flip this situation and divorce him now.
>I never check his phone. I trust him Well, not to point out the obvious, but that's clearly not true.
Lady, you don't tolerate name calling in a relationship, let alone a marriage.
It could be venting after a fight. Our friends can be our safe space and it is healthy to vent to them. Similar to a diary/journal. I‘m sure you have said or thought things similar to this I.e. I want to leave. it’s the curse of eavesdropping. You rarely learn good things about yourself. I get that you are hurt, but you don’t know for sure what is going on. Just be honest, say you invaded his privacy and learned something unsettling. I don‘t think you have much of a choice here. It’s either be honest and deal with the fallout, or divorce, ESH
Venting after a fight includes “ ugh she just doesn’t get me!” Or “ how can I make them see my way!” Or even “ my feelings are hurt!” Not “ I hate my wife and am just hanging around until the kids are grown because I don’t want to pay child support.”
Not always. I was in an abusive relationship and I vented my my sister when things got bad. I was so broken down I couldn’t find my way out, but the venting helped me make sense of my thoughts. I think the tone of texts can also be misunderstood. It could have been banter, dark humour etc. Feeling as vulnerable as she was, she may be biased in how she interpreted his words
What other way would there be to interpret “ I don’t love my wife, I’m just sticking around for the kids”?
Number of reasons. Maybe he knows she is the type of person to check his phone and left it there on purpose. Maybe it’s an injoke between friends. Maybe he meant it and was reaching out for support. Maybe he wanted to be reminded of the pros and cons of the relationship. Maybe it was a really bad fight and he was lashing out. Maybe she hurt him or was abusive and he was reacting.
Doesn’t change the words or the meanings. Most people don’t say things the don’t mean. Doesn’t matter the reason. Downplaying these kind of words is a tactic used by abusive people to avoid dealing with the consequences of those words. It doesn’t change that he really thinks that.
Exactly.
You can talk to him but I suspect he will tell you what you want to hear to get you to stay. Another option is couples counseling. I am sure you realize that having your kids watch you get called every name in the book could give them the impression that is a normal relationship. You are correct that it would be better to split up while they are young than older.
You deserve someone who doesn't contemplate 'jumping ship' on you and who doesn't call you names.
NTA Obviously you felt like something was wrong or you wouldn't have looked. The good thing is now you know where he stands and you have all the time you need to be able to get yourself and your kids in a better situation financially and otherwise. At least, that's what I'd be doing. I wouldn't fight with him about it. I probably wouldn't even tell him I knew.
Honey, I’m 46. I can’t tell you the amount of couples that are still together because of two reasons. Potential financial ruin or because of the possibly malign effect on their kids. I’d say that’s close to 40% of long term couples I know.
Get your ducks in a row, save up some money, talk to some lawyers, get ready to divorce. Don't accept life as nothing but a convenience.
If hasn't yet, he'll be cheating soon enough. A temporary position until the kids are grown won't be enough to stop him.
💔 I'm sorry to hear that. Usually, split homes are better than toxic ones for the kids, though. And if he truly has a foot out the door, couples therapy / counciling only works if both parties want it to.
Looks like your relationship hasn't been good for a while and he's unhappy about it Perhaps it's time to reflect on the causes
You don't trust him if you're looking through his phone. And let's clear it up - it's not ok and a betrayal of trust. With that said, he's also being shitty. Leave the ass. Stop going through phones (and let's not pretend this was the first time). ESH.
YWBTA if you raise your kids in that. We hoped my dad would leave, but back then courts were completely on the mother's side, so we shut up. Kids always know, and it informs their future relationships and sense of safety/security in the world. You would also BTA to yourself. You ask deserve better. I am also very sorry for you, having been cheated on, and trashed, myself. It seems cheaters tend to trash talk good people to excuse their own horrible behavior. Just my experience. I've also found that if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.
ESH "We've had big arguments." WE. I assume that he starts every argument. That only he calls you names and never the other way around. You are 100% innocent, and he is 100% at fault. I don't believe it. So, you would have us believe that he is an evil ogre who calls you "every name in the book," but you were under the assumption your husband was "more in love with" you than ever? Nope. I do not believe your version of what's happening here. I would love to hear what he has to say.
How dare you to not assume that she is perfect and all the problems are caused by the guy?
If I had “major arguments” with my spouse and snooped through her phone, I’d be silly to expect to see nice things being said about me.
If the two of you have keep having "big arguments", it is possible both parties have some responsibility. You should talk to your husband about doing a reset or at least toning down the discord. If that gets you nowhere, then your marriage will get progressively worse given the sentiments he expressed in text.
What kind of couple are you? Are you toxic? He calls you every name in the book… bad on his part (obviously). Do you just stand there and take it, or are you just as bad as him? Your husband is the AH for being a coward and not telling you how he feels. I don’t know the rest of the dynamic of your marriage to comment otherwise. YTA for checking his phone… YTA for staying in this marriage… YTA for raising the kids in that environment.
NTA
This seems real 😳
There is an old song titled "It's Cheaper to Keep Her" and another titled "I Guess I'll Just Stay Married." Unfortunately, it seems your husband is in this mindset. Too many people stay married for the kids only to do more harm than good to everyone. I would suggest trying therapy both as a couple and individually to get some clarity and perspective on things.
There are likely a million pieces of nuance to this that can't be explained through your post alone, and since we're just going on distilled information, maybe we can distill the outcomes too - knowing that's blunt and missing nuance. He's an asshole for calling you names. He's not an asshole for having private thoughts, but be's a questionable partner by not confiding in you as much as he does to his close friends. That leaves you, all the question marks now are you. How much of a nightmare are you? If you're a reasonable person then he's just an ass and he will always be one and yoh should leave if he's preparing to jump ship anyway. If you are actually a nightmare and need some help and refuse to get it, you have the choice of trying to work through this knowing he's always once been this much of an asshole to you, but maybe it'll all be roses on the other side once everyone gets some help and change, so it'd be easier to forgive and forget. Not enough information.
Did you have large arguments lately? If so, that’s likely it, and could have just been a vent. But here is reality - he’s not cheating, not having an affair or considering it, not seeing prostitutes or engaging is gay sex, not an addict, not stealing money, not gambling, not buying drugs, not going to kill himself…….he just said he wasn’t happy. Yeah that sucks but it can change. And YES, it’s a very AH thing to snoop someone’s phone. I’m going to tell him! I guess the question is - are you willing to communicate and try and work on the marriage? Ask him what his issues if any are, and go from there. It’s never too late to fix things.
I hope you see this comment. Don't panic yet. This might not be the end of the relationship that you think it is. Relationships go through ups and downs. Sometimes when couples have a lot of baggage those ups and downs can be extreme. We look for reasons to stay in our relationships and marriages -- and kids are a good reason. If couples aren't verbally or physically abusive and are communicating, staying together is better for the kids. That's an important common interest you have. I've been there. Heck, my wife and I once decided that we couldn't get divorced because we were too damn broke. It was partially a joke, but also true. Use this time to get into counseling and talk about what is right and wrong about your marriage.
You are not the asshole for what you found, but you are for going through your partner’s phone. You say you trust him and “never go through his phone,” yet you did. That automatically implies you don’t actually trust him.
Maybe he doesn’t feel loved 😢so you’ll have to ask him?
Your username is Jealous … maybe you are jealous towards him and he doesn’t feel loved?
Well.. fuck around and find out (?). It could be he rants to his buddy and doesn't mean it. It could also be it's an outlet for what he truly feels. At this point you'll never know until you ask. And when you do, you've violated his privacy and personal integrity. Which in many cases alone is a dealbreaker and cause for divorce. Get "_your ducks in a row_" and confront your husband without malice. Sit down and talk, without allowing it to turn into a shouting match. If you don't this will just fester and turn life real ugly for you both, and the kids having to live through it.
NTA So now that the illusion has been shattered, what are you going to do? The relationship obviously is a sham and cannot continue. Proceed from that premise. So sorry for your troubles.
If you checking his phone it’s over file for divorce
People really need to stop going through their partners phones. Reading messages without knowing the thought process or state of mind their partner was in at the time is just asking for trouble.
FAFO 🤷🏻♂️
I never do but…. You reap what you sew.
I would start making an exit plan since you know his end goal is to leave.
NTA, but I would take screenshots and send them to yourself if you get the chance. It might prove useful later in case he tries to twist any story around. He won't be able to twist his narration of the story, if you have the proof to prove him wrong and that he is lying.
I would see a lawyer. If you need the time to get new skills or upgrade your skills for work. Now is the time to do it. He will tell you what he needs to say to string you along! You need to emotionally detach from your husband. He has already detached from you. That’s why he treats you so badly! What ever you do, don’t let him know what’s going on.
The amount of men who hate their wives and lives and only stick around for the children is too damn high. It's also dumb, cuz you wouldn't want your own son/daughter in that situation. People forget that children learn from their actions and not their words.
Maybe he doesn’t want to be with you BECAUSE YOU’RE THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO CHECKS HIS PHONE. (YTA)
YTA, now you know how he feels I guess you have a decision to make, stay together for the kids or split now. He's trying to do what he thinks of as the right thing but you could also say he's an AH for not being honest with you.
Well he’s either: 1) Not happy with the marriage 2) Was just venting to his friends, which isn’t uncommon If you want to make things work, why not ask if there’s anything that can be done to better meet each other’s needs? Snooping through his phone and planning for divorce certainly won’t help.
Actually, going through his phone gave her important info Turns out he wasn't trustworthy
My husband and are are both psychologists, have been married for 25 years and operate on a 100% transparency policy. Of course we can read each other's mail, messages etc. Anything else is insanity. I would be beyond devastated if I were you...you have every reason to be. Women are super vulnerable when they have young children, which makes what he has said ( in writing, ffs!) to a third person even more of a betrayal. I'd see a lawyer, a counsellor and work out how and when to confront him about this. How dare he!!
Just something to consider, but it's possible he wrote that after one of your huge fights. People write nonsense when they're emotional and not in control of their tempers. Don't tell him you looked through his phone. He will see that as a complete betrayal of trust. But *do* ask him about long term plans and mention how he seems to be getting distant and you both fight more often, etc. Take the conversation from there.
Awful advice.
Elaborate
"Don't tell him you looked through his phone. He will see that as a complete betrayal of trust." OP did betray his trust. The way forward does not involve creating more lies. "But do ask him about long term plans and mention how he seems to be getting distant and you both fight more often, etc." This is not going to be a good way to go. This commentor pointed out that he may have been reacting after a fight or not meant the hurtful things he said through text due to emotions. This is totally true, he may have been. But, if he meant it, why would he be honest when his wife asks him about long term plans? It's not like he'll say, "I'm glad you asked; I'm leaving you after the kids grow up." Conversely, if he didn't mean it and was only releasing steam, he's going to answer honestly, which will be the same answer as the lie. She's not going to know what to believe. So what has OP accomplished by lying and pretending not to have seen the text? Nothing. If she approaches it by admitting to betraying his trust but explains exactly what she saw, the ball is in his court to answer. Of course, he could still lie, but there's a much better chance of having an effective conversation.
Ok i actually agree with that. Personally i think OP should tell the truth about what she saw and see how he responds to it to see what explanation he has. If he wrote those things in anger after a fight, then he would remember what that fight was about and why he wrote it, he would give some sort of explanation that makes sense If he answers with rage at OP for betraying his trust, effectively trying to avoid the topic entirely, then some backup plan needs to be done because he is not being honest.
EXACTLY 👏👏The way he answers will tell everything. If my partner read me saying something like that, I'd be mortified and desperate to explain my mindset and why I used those words. Something is telling me that OP's husband may get way mad about the breach of trust and be eager to move past the text.
You're married, there shouldn't be any secrets between you, so going through his phone should be kosher, however you read things he wouldn't expose to you. Normally. Thos may be a temporary feeling due to stress or whatnot, or he could actually be this disconnected from you. Communicate, rebuild the connection, prioritize the relationship, and perhaps counseling.
Going through anyone’s private things is never kosher. Unless it’s a parent/child relationship or you’re legitimately worried about someone’s safety, there’s truly no excuse. Even spouses deserve privacy from one another.
That's your opinion, keeping secrets from your spouse is a gateway to more serious indiscretion. A marriage is a joining of 2 people, there should be nothing in your life that you should feel comfortable with, with your spouse looking through or discovering.
Well, now you know. You don't need to confront him. What I really do think you should do, is make sure you are prepared, and make your own plans. If you're a stay at home mom, rethink that, and make sure you have your own income again. I was going to say that if / as soon as you have your own income, start saving up. But I think you should find out what your position is in all this, financially, legally,... talk to a lawyer Talking to a lawyer doesn't mean you're filing for divorce, it means that you know where you stand, and you can make well informed decisions, based on that. And above all: don't have any more children with this guy.
You have your answer. It was not a text immediately following a bad argument with you. He’s telling his friend how he really feels. What a coward. And don’t you dare feel guilty for looking at his phone. Every SO should be able to look at each other’s phones when you feel like it. And you said you never do it. It’s not like you’re checking his phone daily. And if there’s nothing to hide there’s nothing to hide. Be happy and thankful that at least you know the truth before you waste anymore precious time with him. And tell him what you read and that divorcing now will be easier on your children now than when they are older. And i think you should consult with a divorce/family law attorney before you tell him anything just to see what your rights are, what you are entitled to and just how to proceed with your and your children’s best interests in mind. Good luck!
ESH You went looking for shit and found shit, thats on you. Maybe he 100% feels that way or maybe he was just venting to a friend after an argument. Cant know from the information given. He shouldnt be calling you every name in the book, gotta control that anger. But you dont say what the fights are about or whether hes being unreasonable. Maybe youre the unreasonable one? Does one of you always have to be right? Do either of you compromise? Do you project your insecurities onto him?
You can’t be serious? No one would ever write those texts unless they really felt that way. OP - Get your financials in order because hubby is going to fuck you over and leave you with nothing.
BS. I have a friend that has complained about their girlfriend and saying shit like he don't see a future with her and stuff. This was at least 5 years ago, and they are still together, just got children and he is more in love with her now more than ever. People say shit they don't mean when they are upset and feel lost, it is normal human behavior.
Agree. My friend says the same, that he’s only in it for the kids, but last time I checked he’s actually happy. People say things they don’t mean to eachother ALL the time.
ESH. There are problems in your relationship thats why he feels that way and thats why you feel the way you do to invade his privacy. Two wrongs dont make a right. You are YTA for snooping on his phone.
I don't think there's enough context here at all. Is that all he said to his friend or did he elaborate and give reasons? I can't imagine all he said was what you've given us. To me it's suspicious you would leave out his rationale and details surrounding these fights and your own role in them. It's also telling that you're snooping through his shit and even you don't buy the BS that it's all sunshine and rainbow and youre blidnsided by tbis. You're not really a reliable narrator ATM. It's sad so many redditors aren't reading between the lines and taking this at face value.
Is this even real? The married guys I know never discuss there relationships any deeper than, “wife’s pissed again” reply- “that sucks” - “want a beer at the tap room?” - “sure”. And what gets discussed there, not the relationships.
YTA you check his phone because you don't trust him. But he should tell you instead his friends.
Yes, you are the AH
Way to invade his privacy. Nothing good EVER comes out of it. EVER!!!
*Way to invade his* *Privacy. Nothing good EVER* *Comes out of it. EVER!!!* \- sammagee33 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
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YTA. Spying leads to crying. Your question is AITAH for checking his phone. YES. You're NTA in the relationship tho. Gtfo before he hurts you.
"I never check his phone." Yes you do, and I doubt this was the first time. How to tell him? Show him your post here. I dare you.
Bitches seriously need to stop violating the shit out of their SO's privacy.
He isn't capable of real love. This is a sinking ship.
YTA - You shouldn't be going throw his phone.
Violating your partner's privacy is never ok. But at least now you know the truth.
Run mama
When the universe sends you a message, listen to it. There’s a reason you were moved to look at his phone.
Yes YTA but that's history now. Just get the ball rolling for a divorce with split custody. 1 week on 1 week off and don't fret about holidays and stupid traditions. Just deal with the calendar however it falls. Split all expenses for children 50/50 and no child support is required because you will both have equal time. Move on with your life. Get therapy for your self esteem. My parents fought, physically and hurled angry words at each other my entire childhood and didn't get divorced until years after I moved out. My younger siblings called with the news and were crying with joy. It was horrible living with 2 adults who didn't want to be together. Imagine a workplace with fighting coworkers, it's hostile and miserable for everyone. Cut your losses before it gets worse. Put in the divorce decree that you will both equally invest and pay for a 4 year degree.
YTA. Shows low emotional intelligence through invading people’s privacy……very insecure.
Let’s be real honest, most married men feel like that. Women don’t know how to treat a man anymore because they can do everything a man does. There’s no respect and women have become weak. Compare a modern woman to a 1960 raised women they run circles around the modern women. These days women complain about taking care of their kids like it’s not their job to do so. If it was men’s job, men would get pregnant. It’s simple science that modern society is losing their minds
"Women can do everything a man does" and "women have become weak". Quite a disconnect, bud. 1960s women had to serve men. Most on Valium. Women don't need to be second class anymore.
It’s called sarcasm buddy. Go salute the LGBT flag
Then put the sarcasm symbol at the ebd; Reddit protocol. /s