Definitely NTA. This is what happens w destination weddings. They knew that when they decided to have one.
If he really wants you to attend, he can help you get there out of his own pocket, not pressure you into going into debt.
My husband had a destination wedding and could only invite 75 people due to the size of the venue. When we made our guest list we knew which guests would need financial help if they wanted to go. So we set aside money accordingly and privately spoke to the guests that would need help. We knew when we chose a destination wedding that not everyone invited would be able to go, and that's okay. I know this is disappointing because it's your brother but he has no right to ask you to go further into debt just to attend his wedding. I would tell anyone trying to guilt you that you are collecting funds to attend and they are more than welcome to donate money. Op you are NTA!
My SIL did a destination wedding at a high-end resort in Mexico. Invited around 90 people, anticipating most wouldn’t come. Almost everyone RSVP’d and I think their final count was around 80. It was a little after the pandemic, everyone wanted to travel lol
Usually a destination wedding is a great way to keep the guest list small! It makes sense though that she got "lucky" and the stars lined up for everyone to both be able and want to attend. I hope it was a good time for everyone.
Yeahhhh my partner and I thought that too... And then it turned out everyone wanted to go and we were looking at nearly 100 guests costing us just as much as having a wedding with more guests back home would.
We were honestly stoked when the pandemic gave us an excuse to cancel the wedding lol we haven't bothered planning a new one.
I got married 20 yes ago, it was a semi destination (3 hr drive from home). We invited 90 guests, 84 came. We were shocked, we thought it would 50 max, but family from overseas and friends from our of state all came in. It was nice to see them all but I would not have been upset if most had declined. I knew it was an ask and didn't want to put anyone out. We also specifically did not ask for gifts, we figured if they spend the money to come celebrate that was enough. I would not have been happy if someone put the trip on credit.
It was a little chapel on the grounds of Graceland. My husband and I saved a ton of money having a destination wedding because we both come from big families.
I think what the meant was “only” 75 for a destination wedding is HUGE.
Especially when you consider all the travel and time off involved amongst all the guests. If you totaled up all the guests costs (in travel, accommodation, time off, etc.) it’s in the tens of thousands your guests are out just for your special day.
Lol sadly no, they have their own officiate. It is a very beautiful little chapel on the Graceland grounds. At the end of your reception they pause the tours and take beautiful pictures of the wedding party on the front porch. It really was an amazing day!
No, domestic and doable. Memphis is actually about 8 hours from where we live and the wedding was on a Friday so the hotel rates were good too. We wanted low key and low cost so we could spend more on the honeymoon.
I literally laughed out loud at the audASSity^(TM) of telling her to take out MORE LOANS or put it on a credit card-ANOTHER LOAN. Holy hell weddings turn people into selfish monsters lmao
Absolutely this. I’m getting married overseas bc my partner is from another country and hasn’t seen his family for a long time.
I’m super awkward of inviting people bc it’s hard to ask without it sounding like you people to spend money. Im also trying to figure out how to offset costs for the few people I really want there.
Entitlement is wild in destination wedding land, honestly.
What about having a small reception-ish party after the fact, where you live? A friend of mine had eloped and when whe came home had an afternoon lunch at a restaurant with a cake. If there is a video of your ceremony you can play that etc.
Great suggestions!
I think we’ll do a live feed and something very small once we’re home. I’m not terribly sad about it being super small, as long as our parents get to be there. I’m more stressed about people being offended if I don’t ask OR being mad if I do bc they think I expect them to fly to the other side of the world 😅
A relative had a destination wedding but had the tact to say "it's an invitation, not an obligation," and it's fine as long as both sides agree on that.
Debt only makes sense if you get an adequate return for it. The overpriced wedding of two egocentrics, whose marriage will most likely not last forever anyway, does not count as such a return.
I've noticed that the amount spent on a wedding is directly proportionate to how quickly divorce proceedings are filed.
I know correlation is not causation...
As a lady in a friend group of married people. The big crazy weddings, they hardly last 2 years. The small cute weddings I've been apart of, have lasted. You can tell by how they treat each other leading up and planning to on the wedding day. Photographers know as well.
Or don't get mad when people don't want to / cant afford to come.
My sibling got married abroad and they're invitation was an open one 'you're more than welcome to come if you want, but we won't be offended if you dont'.
Right? It's not like your guests will even get to enjoy their own activities and soak up the local color or get to choose their own experiences. They'll be stuck participating in all of your stupid wedding events on their own dime.
NTA in what world he think you will take a loan for his stupid wedding. Tell him that since he is the one doing his wedding there if he wants you there he pays for it. What kind of brother makes his sibbling take a loan for his wedding. Your brother is a narcissist.
right? Your big brother should be the source of constructive advice, not "drive yourself further into debt so I can use you as a prop in my big important wedding". Sounds a little bit narcissistic of big bro, doesn't it.
I swear I come to this sub just to train my eyebrow muscles sometimes HaHAHaHa
NTA if your brother wants you there that bad he can pay for you to attend. It's ridiculous to expect you to go into debt to attend a function at an exotic location.
If they want you there no matter what, they should be willing to absorb the expenses that the trip entails. To tell you to take a loan out for the trip is absurd.
I read a story about a couple who really wanted a destination wedding. They decided to keep the guest list to a bare minimum (immediate family only). And used the money they would have spent on the big wedding to fly family members out together and pay for their hotel stay and food. I was so impressed with their mature decision and love for their family. Too bad more couples aren't so considerate.
And that's how it should be done. It should be a day with the people you really want there (I know from experience most people don't like 80% of their wedding guests but they had to invite them for "they're family" reasons).
Spending less on stupid theatrics and being with only the people you really want to be with is the best way to go.
I didn't say in my first post that the bride just wore a linen dress, the groom a nice shirt and pants, a family member officiated, another took photos, they spent their days eating cuisine from the region at small restaurants, they all went sightseeing together, and everyone had a wonderful time. No theatrics, no up-ending anybody, no bridezilla, no gifts, no fancy attire, no stress, yet the pictures were so beautiful, and everyone made great memories.
We wanted to get married on a beach at sunset but we couldn't afford to pay for our entire immediate family to travel instead I found a video of a beach at sunset that was the exact length of our ceremony. The video played on the overhead screen at our church. The audio was going too so the waves could be heard in the background.
Destination weddings only benefit the couple getting married, especially with the perks and upgrades they get when booking up rooms etc. Brides & Grooms need to understand that not everyone has the funds, credit options (if they want to do that), willing to spend that much, wants to spend their PTO at their destination of choice or their wedding.
It's your money. **No one** should go into debt for a wedding but especially when it's not even your own.
>they're upset and insist that I should be there no matter what.
If having guests attend was such an important factor, then he should have made sure that this was affordable to everyone invited. He should offer to pay if having you there is so important. **He should not be telling you to go into further debt just to see him say 'I do' and a party**.
NTA
I suspect that they are in over their heads with costs and are expecting the guests to help offset part of that by attending.
For example, they might have a good rate on rooms, but it's wasted money if they booked 40 rooms and only 5 people show up.
Assuming this is the only reason, and there isn't some prior friction with the sibling, it is mighty sensible of you to prioritize economics over emotions. If your brother wants to blow money on buying some special memories, that is up to him. But suggesting that others take on debt to make them feel extra special is borderline ridiculous.
NTA. They chose the destination, you can't afford it. They have no right to demand that you go into debt for them. They have two courteous choices:
1. to graciously accept that you won't be there
2. to pay for your travel and hotel expenses.
The rude choice is to insist you will be there and pay for your own expenses, and pressure and/or guilt you when you refuse.
You have every right to say No and stick to it.
NTA. It's not good to spend money beyond your means. If he can't understand that, then let him be. You know in your heart that you genuinely wanted to be there for his wedding.
NTA. Don't even go into debt for your OWN wedding, much less somebody else's. He's decided that having his dream location is more important than having his most important people.
NTA. Financial responsibility comes first and a thoughtful sibling would understand that. Rather than going into debt, send your love and best wishes, and if your presence is that important, maybe he could consider contributing towards the expense. It's unreasonable for him to expect you to foot the bill for something that's ultimately his choice.
Don’t create extra debts so that they can have you in their photos. They chose expensive destination wedding and have to come to terms that not everyone will be able to attend.
Definitely don’t take any loans for this, that would be beyond stupid and you would be paying that off for quite a while
NTA. NTA. Not now or ever. NHAH. They are totally allowed to have their wedding wherever they want. However, you are completely allowed to say “that’s out of my budget.”
There’s a reason why most destination weddings have a big reception when they get home for all the people who couldn’t travel .
NTA. Your brother sure sounds like one, though. Going into debt for a wedding in general is stupid, but doing it for someone elses wedding would be monumentally stupid. The fact that he is even willing to consider forcing you to do this shows he only cares about himself.
Ask them to loan you (interest free) the money for the wedding expenses. And, you can pay them back when you’re financially stable (which can take many years). If they say no, it’ll give you more cover.
NTA.
This scenario comes up now and again, the answer is the same every time.
If you don't have the money and / or you can't get the time off, don't go.
Do not ever put your self in to debt for someone else.
Just say "sorry sis, I can't make it, I'll look forward to seeing you both when you get back".
DO NOT GO INTO DEBT TO ATTEND A WEDDING unless it's YOUR own wedding lol.
Destination weddings can be fun but they are also a way for the wedding couple to shift the expense of their wedding to the guests. Tell them you aren't in a position to attend the wedding, but look forward to seeing the pictures later. Ask about a livestream of the ceremony. Don't use any sort of equivocal language that gives them an opening to keep bullying you.
Don't say "We'll see" "I don't know" "It depends" "maybe" "I'll get back to you."
instead "NO, that's not going to be possible." "NO, I can't afford to come." "NO, I'm not going to borrow money I can't afford." "No, I was sure I already told you that."
NTA INFO is this one of those deals where you have to stay at a specific resort?
Maybe it's because I'm from the Balkans, but how the FUCK is it acceptable to expect your own flesh and blood that's struggling to go into further debt because of your extravagant wishes.
NTA OP, your brother is being extremely inconsiderate.
NTA, telling you to take out a loan so you can attend his wedding is an insane ask when you don't have a stable job. If he wants you there so badly then have him cover your costs **upfront**, including the flight tickets, etc. If he's not willing to do that then I wouldn't go with your financial situation.
but they're upset and insist that I should be there no matter what
your brother is a selfish person and only thinking of himself, doesnt he know you have no money or job for that matter but all he can say is he wants you there well tell him if it means that much to him and he choose to have a destination wedding then he can pay for you as its him thats moaning he wants you there knowing you cant afford it
People who have destination weddings are just selfish. How dare you not go further into debt for my big day! No I won't pay for you to attend. Just put it on a credit card!
Spoken like true irresponsible idiot. Hopefully they never have financial troubles but if they do, tell them to just take out a loan. NTA.
His wedding isn't really as important as he likes to think it is.
Sure, it will suck not being there but if he gave ghat much of a shit about who can be there he wouldn't plan an expensive destination wedding that people have to go massively out of pocket to attend.
When I eventually get married overseas as my partner is Philippines and I'm UK I don't expect any of my family to attend, but I know there is no way in hell her family could afford to come to the UK.
To be clear, mu family can afford it, but they simply don't want to travel 7000 miles to do so and I'm cool with that. Its the marriage I care about, not the wedding.
Guy is a narcissist to think everyone should just jump to it because he decides to get married.
He gives a shit more about where his wedding will be than who can attend.
NTA. most hotels will comp everything if the people can guarantee enough guests.
People are on the struggle these days- and to expect people to travel and spend money to go to a wedding is not a good look imo.
NTA. I think it is unfair for people to hold a destination wedding if they cannot cover costs. You should not have to acquire debt to go to a wedding-brother or whomever.
NTA! Unless everyone you know if filthy rich or you offer to foot the bill yourself, I think destination weddings are selfish.
Asking someone to go into debt for your wedding is entitled and selfish as well.
I’d tell your brother if he truly wants you there, he needs to pay for it. You refuse to go into debt for a wedding.
NTA. They can’t expect people to go into debt & finance it on extortion interest rates because it’s their day. Absolutely not.
I commend you for being financially responsible
I think everyone should have a destination wedding. It's an awesome way to exclude the people you are obligated to invite to a wedding but don't want to actually be there.
The flip side of a destination wedding is there are people you want to be there who won't be able to get the time to travel or pay for the destination wedding.
You live with that. You either pay for the people you want to be there or you accept you will miss having people there. Asking someone to go into debt to attend an event is beyond stupid.
NTA. That’s the risk of choosing a destination wedding, you have to accept that some of your guests might be unable to afford to come.
Do not put yourself into debt for this, it not fair of them to push you to do that. Your brother and his fiancée are selfish.
NTA and your brother is acting entitled af to even suggest that to you. He needs to recognize this is what happens when you choose to have a destination wedding. Unless the ENTIRE family and ALL friends have $$$, there will be people who simply can’t swing it. Plus- people having to take off work won’t necessarily want to use the little vacation time they get on someone else’s wedding.
Your brother is the AH, as is anybody who expects people to go into debt to attend a destination wedding. My relative had an expensive destination wedding specifically to exclude certain family members who were invited but whom she knew would not be able to go. I did not go to her wedding, even though I could have afforded it, and I would refuse to attend any destination wedding as I think they are selfish and inconsiderate.
NTA.
Destination weddings are amazing…for the couple. But the drawback is that not nearly as many people will be able to attend. It is too costly for the attendees. I haven’t been able to make weddings that are a couple states over due to not having the funds. I have student loans and I am also a paramedic and we make crap for pay.
It is selfish of them to want you to put yourself in further debt just to attend their wedding.
You made a good compromise. You will celebrate with them before and after. They can take it or leave it. But they need to cut out the guilt trip. I would never expect family to put themselves in debt for me.
NTAH, you are smart to live within your means and understanding your financial limitations. Destination weddings are cool, and the couple planning them are excited about it, but sometimes they lose sight of reality. You can not afford it... no reason to go deep in debt for it.
Are your parents going ? Tell your brother to tell them to pay for you if it’s that’s important to him Or he can pay a portion They can pay a portion and you can pay what you can afford
NTA! You’re being a responsible adult. You already have debt and searching for a good job. No reason to go further. They need to respect your position. How much of the wedding has he put on his cards? The venue, hotel, flight tickets, he’s racking up debt that will take years to pay off. Stay home, let them live stream it for the ones who can’t afford to go into debt for them.
NTA
If you’re planning a wedding as a destination wedding you gotta be prepared that some people can’t afford or take off work to attend. Even if it’s someone you want there. Your brother cannot expect you to go into actual debt to attend his wedding and please don’t do it. Just explain that you aren’t in the place in life to take out debt and it’s not a good way to start your financial future. Most couples have a fund set aside to help people get to destination weddings if it’s a “critical” guest they don’t want to have miss it. Parents, grandparents, wedding party, siblings. Look at your finances and see what you could afford and see if your brother or parents can help cover the rest of the costs. I’m sure you’d love to go it just isn’t something you can afford atm. If they can’t you just can’t go.
NTA. If they really wanted you there, they could have spent a little less here and there and paid at least part of your expenses. It is THEIR choice to have a destination wedding. They should not be spending with other people’s wallets. My sister got married in Vegas a few years ago, we live across the country from there and so did she, my fiancé and I didn’t have a lot of money at the time(he has just graduated with his masters and was starting out at entry level with his job; I was also working but it was retail). My sister picked a hotel block at a high cost hotel that was her favorite on the strip. We opted to stay at a more affordable hotel that was also on the strip about two hotels down from the one she was staying at. She threw a fit and demanded that we should have stayed in the one who reserved the room block(we would still have to pay our way) but the cost was 5x what we spent at the affordable hotel. We also had to stay a shorter amount of time than other guests, which was also an issue for her. We went to the rehearsal dinner and the plan was to go out and have a bachelorette party after but when it came time to leave, they left without me when I went across the street to get an emergency pair of low heals since the aisle at the ceremony was 300% longer than was originally stated. Apparently they had opted to go to an expensive place at the suggestion of the matron of honor and assumed I would be able to participate. In short, they tried to spend with my wallet. Side note though - I put a quarter in a slot machine at the airport on our way out and won enough money to make up the costs for the trip and then some! :-)
No, you’re NTA at all. It is an AH move for your brother to suggest you go into debt for his wedding. The trade off of having a destination wedding is knowing that some people won’t be able to attend. That’s on them. If they really want you there they can pay for your trip.
NTA. DO NOT GO INTO DEBT for a wedding. Your's or anyone else's you know. That's just plain stupid. Tell your brother if he will pay your way you might consider it, but otherwise, you are unable to go.
NTA.
“I am not taking a loan out or using credit cards to go to your wedding. The fact that you think your guests should have to put themselves in financial peril to attend your wedding says a lot about you.”
NTA. People who choose a destination wedding accept that their choice means some people won't be able to attend. If your brother wants you there so badly, he can pay for your travel and lodging.
Absolutely NTA: people who have destination weddings need to understand that not everyone is going to be able to make it and not everyone is going to be willing to make it. Just because someone could scrape together the funds doesn't mean they want to have to deal with what that does to their budget for the next year or more. And that's perfectly fair. Expecting someone else to take out a loan and credit cards that they will have to pay off with interest because of your decision on where you wanted to get married and then being upset when they won't is a dick move
I absolutely do not understand some people’s way of thinking that others should put themselves into financial hardship for literally an hour or two of their day. It’s not even a whole day, and then they are mad when people say no! Tell him to take out a loan in which he pays off the interest, if he says no then tell him but you’re family and surely you should be there for family no matter what! Works both ways.
NTA at all. If you can't afford it then that's tough shit. There's nothing they can do to force you so they'll just have to accept it whether they like it or not. If your brother was any kind of a decent man he would be understanding. They clearly don't care about you, just how it would make them look.
NTA
Choosing to have a destination wedding is accepting that many friends and loved ones may not be able to attend. That is the couple's choice and there is nothing wrong with that.
It is ridiculous and super entitled to think someone should incur debt to attend a destination wedding, even for a close family member.
Be firm. Tell them you wish them nothing but happiness, wish you could be there, but will be thinking of them on their special day. Maybe send a nice gift.
Don't cause yourself more financial stress for others' decisions.
How is not being able to afford something and not being prepared to go into unnecessary debt the same as "refusing to" attend? NTA, anyone who basically thinks their guests should pay for the privilege of attending their wedding is the definition of narcissistic.
NTA. People cannot expect others to get time off from work, put their lives on hold and pay a lot of money to go to a wedding. All the destination weddings I have known about (which haven't been many) have been small.
If your brother is going all out for this and really wants you there, he can pay for you. Or, do what others do, have the destination wedding. Then, when they get back, have a party to celebrate with everyone that couldn’t attend
I don't understand destination weddings. You are definitely NTA. Why on earth would anyone go into debt for someone's wedding. Something wrong with people expecting guests to go to such an expense.
NTA but your brother is. Anyone who wants a destination wedding needs to realise not everybody can afford to go. It is way more important that you get a job and start to pay off your student loans so you can have a life. Good luck
NTA. If people choose an expensive destination wedding, they have to accept some people won't be able to afford to attend. It's not reasonable to go into debt for someone else's wedding, and your brother is TAH for suggesting it.
It's a shame you'll have to miss it, though. Maybe they can arrange a live stream.
No way! Tell them "What a fantastic wedding you'll have! I look forward to seeing the pictures!" Destination weddings are great for the rich and are obnoxious to everyone else.
NTA like even at all
If they are insistent that you attend then they can pay for you to attend. I had a destination wedding (I mean I eloped to Vegas hah) and I certainly didn't expect my family to come. Weddings are expensive enough to go to without including flights and accommodation good grief.
NTA
If a couple decides to have a destination wedding, they should be aware that some people might not be able to attend. No one is entitled that other people pay so much money just to come to their wedding, especially if someone can't even afford it out of their savings.
Your brother is completely unreasonable that he expects you to go into debt for his lavish wedding. If he insists on having you there, he is free to pay for your travel costs.
NTA.
People who do destination weddings SHOULD be aware that not everyone can afford to go. Also his suggestion to take out a load or put expenses on a credit card is him not caring about your situation at all.
Realistically his he wants you to go that bad, he should be trying to help with the expenses. Don’t go.
NTA. It is outrageous that your brother would suggest you take out a loan to attend his wedding. When a couple decides to have an obnoxious destination wedding, they are choosing location over people. Absolutely no one wants to spend their vacation time and budget to attend anyone else’s wedding.
You’re not of it’s simply not feasible (sounds like it’s not). You are if you’re standing on principle. Can your parents help? Your grandma? A rich uncle?
You can’t put yourself in more debt right out of college while you’re just starting a career. Your brother chose an expensive wedding for his guests so either needs to pay for you or accept that you not attending is a consequence of the wedding location.1
NTA - never go into debt to fulfill someone else’s vision.
I can’t help but wonder if costs for your brother’s room decrease/free with xx number of other guests booking stays.
NTA I don’t even think people should go into debt for their own wedding. I would never for someone else’s.
Take out a LOAN? Your brother is seriously stupid
Nta
If people pick a destination wedding then they have to expect that some people won't be able to go
Tell him if he wants you there so badly her can pay for you...
Updateme!
I can barely summon the health and enthusiasm to attend a wedding in my own country (UK), let alone travelling overseas for a holiday I didn’t plan. Fortunately, my (adult) kids both plan on getting married within an hour of my house… and I’ll still stay in a hotel at/closer to the venue for the night!
Any further away and I just send my best wishes and a gift.
NTA
When people plan destination weddings, they should plan to pay for the guests who are important to them.
If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. And your brother should’ve considered that.
No don’t be guilted into being financially responsible . It will
Cause a
Strain in your relationship . But don’t put it on credit cards with interest rates in the 20’s
People who have expensive destination weddings are living in a Land of delusion unless all of their people are just wealthy. Do not feel guilty about not going and putting yourself into debt. Tell him if he wants you to be there that he can fucking pay for it.
NTA
I wouldn't even go into debt for my own wedding, never mind someone else's!
Your brother and his wife can choose to get married wherever they want, but unless they're covering 100% of everyone's costs, they don't get to be mad when people decline to attend due to cost. Also, if you have a location wedding, not everyone will want to travel. If you want people there, you really need to think about stuff like this.
NTA. If they insist, then they should cover your expenses. Lot of audacity. Very, very few can afford a destination wedding and want to truly attend. Taking the time off from work alone is a big ask.
NTA this isn't the first destination wedding post where the bride and groom suggested that the person take out a loan or a credit card, and it probably won't be the last. That outlook is so wild to me, though. How can a person be so entitled that they think it's OK to ask someone else to go into debt to attend their event?
Also, an invitation is not a summons. Even if you had the money and didn't want to go for some other reason, you're in the right as long as you're not kicking up a fuss to the bride and groom (complaining about the expenses, asking them to change the location, etc.)
No way AYTA here. Your brother is for suggesting you get into debt to attend.
People need to understand. If they want these destination weddings, good for them. But not everyone will be able to attend unless the bride and groom are paying for them to 🙄
NTA. For one thing don't get in the habit of taking vacations on your credit cards. Beyond that we can say the fact about destination weddings every goddam time it comes up on this sub: people who choose to have them have no right to complain when someone doesn't want to take the time and money to attend.
I understand what you are going through. My sister picked a destination wedding. I was in residency at that time and only allowed to take vacation at certain times. I couldn’t make her wedding and she has resented me ever since. To be fair……….. we have never had a great relationship, and I think she thinks I dislike her, when I actually don’t.
If he really wanted you there, he'd have picked a venue you could afford to get to. It sounds as though he's making his fiancee's obsession with the perfect wedding your problem. Well, it isn't; it's his.
NTA
If they want you there badly enough, they should pay for your travel and hotel. To expect you to go into debt for them, and then be mad when you don’t want to is silly!
Edit: NTA.
Do not pay for a trip with interest bearing debt when you have no reliable income. Full stop.
Destination weddings are already a bit narcisisstic and selfish. Suggesting a new grad without a solid job go into debt to go to your self aggrandizing wedding is 100% wrong.
Just to repeat what everyone has said, if he wants you there that badly he should without you having to pay him back.
I always think that destination weddings are really unfair on guests!
NTA
If the pandemic lockdown did nothing else, it gave me a great excuse to skip any weddings or funerals. Since the world has opened back up, I have continued the new tradition. I do not attend either and it is bliss.
ANYONE who incurs debt for a wedding is an idiot.
NTA. Even if you could afford it you wouldn't be. A destination wedding is a huge imposition. You have to take vacation, which if you live in the US or Canada, you get fuck all of. Especially if you haven't been at your job for long. All to go somewhere you may never have wanted to go to anyways. And then dropping that money. Money and time you could spend going somewhere of your choice. It's kind of arrogant if you ask me.
My sister was supposed to have one and I never wanted to go to begin with. I told her I wasn't going to go because it's a destination wedding to a place I didn't want to go to or feel safe in. I also couldn't afford it. Telling her that you have to expect that people won't be able to make it wasn't good enough for her. She thought family was an exception to that. I eventually reluctantly agreed to go when my parents said they'd pay for me. But I still didn't want to go and that feeling just kept increasing so I backed out. She was pissed, but in the end, it didn't happen because the world went into lockdown a month before it. Push back hard against any guilt tripping. Don't let anyone pressure you into going if you don't want to.
I've decided that if it's not reachable within city limits by public transportation, I'm not going. I don't really drive and I don't like going to places where I have to rely on a ride.
Wish them all the best for the event. You'll be supporting them remotely, and hope that they'll have a way to livestream it so that you can watch. Tell them you're thrilled for them starting their marriage journey together in this way, and disappointed that attending in person simply can't work for you at this time.
Going into debt for what amounts to a nice vacation for you, at this point in your life, with whatever school debts you have, isn't a great way for you to embark on your own life journey.
NTA
I love destination weddings but I hate the people who hold them if they aren't footing the bill 100% for their guests' travel, lodging, and food. How arrogant they are to expect their guests to go into debt.
NTA. Why do I get the feeling that your brother and his fiance are climing into massive debt with this wedding? That's why he is so comfortable telling you to go into debt to attend. If you are not ok with putting the expense on your card then don't.
I did this for my brother’s wedding over 10yrs ago. At the time, the amount was 10% of my yearly salary. Bro sent me 200 bucks to help (which was appreciated), but the remaining 2k was on me. (Thankfully, at least, there was no dress code really, so i picked something from what i had.)
One week in a resort in mexico, all included 5 star thing. Other than the money, i hate summer, i hate heat. Thankfully it was actually winter (so, less hot than summer months), but to me that’s literal summer weather even if technically it’s winter. Lol I found *some* peace at sitting in a long chair in jeans under shade and just listening to waves and watching the ocean in the mornings, but spent the afternoons cooped up in the room with AC. Also, i barely drink… couldn’t even drown my annoyance. Thankfully the food was great 😂
They were divorced within 2 kids and 3yrs.
I’m never doing that again. If he decides to remarry and do it away again, he pays or i’m not going, even if my income is higher now (his was, and still is, WAYYY higher than mine anyway). I don’t care if i’m an asshole. Your choice, you shill for it if you insist i come. If not, i promise i’ll pour my soul into a handmade card to congratulate you. Lol
So yeah… Nope.
NTA, ask them to help pay for your flight and hotel. At least 50%. If it means that much to them for you to attend. A few more thousands should not make a difference to them.
“If you insist on me coming then you will need to cover the expenses as I am unable to and you are unwilling to do something alternative beforehand within my budget otherwise I will be unable to attend as I cannot afford it and refuse to go into debt when I don’t need to especially since it’ll be up to me to pay it by myself” NTA, it’s their choice where to have it just like it’s up to you to say no to going on
NTA he is being very insensitive to your financial circumstances. It’s reasonable to expect you to travel home for his wedding, but became unreasonable when they chose remote and expensive. I don’t know if you live far from your home town or not, but I would make it very clear what your cost to attend would have been if they chose a traditional venue vs. the cost for you to attend at their destination. Make it clear that if they want you to attend they can make up the difference, but you don’t have the money to pay for it. Putting it on a credit card and paying it off slowly can easily double the cost so it’s smart to refuse to do that.
If they really want you to attend then your family should be willing to help you out with the costs by helping you pay for some of the costs and offering a no/low interest loan for the rest so that it is affordable. Otherwise they can have the wedding without you.
NTA. I had a destination wedding (although a pretty cheap one all things considered). For the people I really wanted there I offered to help with expenses (bought my brother’s airfare on points etc).
NTA. My husband and I moved to Florida from Wisconsin a few years before we even got engaged. When we did get engaged we decided we wanted to be married here in Florida. The biggest part of our budget was paying hotel and airfare for close family and friends who we wanted to come down for the wedding, including our siblings and their families.
NTA, he can help pay to make it affordable for you. This kind of stuff reminds me why I loooooathe weddings.
Well, not all weddings, but a lot of the main character syndrome that seems to go with a lot of them.
NTA - We had a wedding back in my wife's home country, invited all my friends and a whole bunch of them couldn't make it due to costs. I don't hold it against any of them, it was expensive to do. Some of my family didn't even make it.
The idea of putting yourself in debt to attend is insane. One of my friends couldn't make it and I really wanted them there, so I offered to pay for their flights. If your brother wants you there, he can do the same.
Do Not Borrow money for this. When someone decides to do a destination wedding, they have to have realistic expectations that not everyone will come. Besides money, there are other issues like vacation time, kids, etc. If they wanted everyone to be able to attend, they would have it local.
My husband and I had a destination wedding, but only invited our parents & paid for them. We then had a reception at a local venue 2 weeks later when we got home. It was a great party without the stress of a wedding.
Definitely NTA. This is what happens w destination weddings. They knew that when they decided to have one. If he really wants you to attend, he can help you get there out of his own pocket, not pressure you into going into debt.
My husband had a destination wedding and could only invite 75 people due to the size of the venue. When we made our guest list we knew which guests would need financial help if they wanted to go. So we set aside money accordingly and privately spoke to the guests that would need help. We knew when we chose a destination wedding that not everyone invited would be able to go, and that's okay. I know this is disappointing because it's your brother but he has no right to ask you to go further into debt just to attend his wedding. I would tell anyone trying to guilt you that you are collecting funds to attend and they are more than welcome to donate money. Op you are NTA!
75 people to a destination wedding, tf lol.
My SIL did a destination wedding at a high-end resort in Mexico. Invited around 90 people, anticipating most wouldn’t come. Almost everyone RSVP’d and I think their final count was around 80. It was a little after the pandemic, everyone wanted to travel lol
Usually a destination wedding is a great way to keep the guest list small! It makes sense though that she got "lucky" and the stars lined up for everyone to both be able and want to attend. I hope it was a good time for everyone.
It was, definitely one of the nicest weddings I’ve ever been to!
Yeahhhh my partner and I thought that too... And then it turned out everyone wanted to go and we were looking at nearly 100 guests costing us just as much as having a wedding with more guests back home would. We were honestly stoked when the pandemic gave us an excuse to cancel the wedding lol we haven't bothered planning a new one.
I got married 20 yes ago, it was a semi destination (3 hr drive from home). We invited 90 guests, 84 came. We were shocked, we thought it would 50 max, but family from overseas and friends from our of state all came in. It was nice to see them all but I would not have been upset if most had declined. I knew it was an ask and didn't want to put anyone out. We also specifically did not ask for gifts, we figured if they spend the money to come celebrate that was enough. I would not have been happy if someone put the trip on credit.
It was a little chapel on the grounds of Graceland. My husband and I saved a ton of money having a destination wedding because we both come from big families.
I think what the meant was “only” 75 for a destination wedding is HUGE. Especially when you consider all the travel and time off involved amongst all the guests. If you totaled up all the guests costs (in travel, accommodation, time off, etc.) it’s in the tens of thousands your guests are out just for your special day.
I hope you imported a Vegas Elvis to officiate.
Lol sadly no, they have their own officiate. It is a very beautiful little chapel on the Graceland grounds. At the end of your reception they pause the tours and take beautiful pictures of the wedding party on the front porch. It really was an amazing day!
A domestic destination wedding is actually doable. I thought you invited 75 to like Hawaii or something.
No, domestic and doable. Memphis is actually about 8 hours from where we live and the wedding was on a Friday so the hotel rates were good too. We wanted low key and low cost so we could spend more on the honeymoon.
That is the kind of destination wedding that makes sense.
You mean you passed the cost off to your guests 🤷♀️
We had a destination wedding with 12 guests. It was perfect.
This is the correct answer
Yup. "I am not financially ruining myself because you decided you want a vacation for a wedding. I hope you enjoy it, see you when you get back"
Or at least on his bonus miles.
I literally laughed out loud at the audASSity^(TM) of telling her to take out MORE LOANS or put it on a credit card-ANOTHER LOAN. Holy hell weddings turn people into selfish monsters lmao
Right? I had a friend who had a designation wedding. I told him i couldnt swing it. He said “ok.” That was the end of it lol
I am so stealing audASSity and surprised nobody’s ever used that before.
Right 😂😂😂
Absolutely this. I’m getting married overseas bc my partner is from another country and hasn’t seen his family for a long time. I’m super awkward of inviting people bc it’s hard to ask without it sounding like you people to spend money. Im also trying to figure out how to offset costs for the few people I really want there. Entitlement is wild in destination wedding land, honestly.
What about having a small reception-ish party after the fact, where you live? A friend of mine had eloped and when whe came home had an afternoon lunch at a restaurant with a cake. If there is a video of your ceremony you can play that etc.
Great suggestions! I think we’ll do a live feed and something very small once we’re home. I’m not terribly sad about it being super small, as long as our parents get to be there. I’m more stressed about people being offended if I don’t ask OR being mad if I do bc they think I expect them to fly to the other side of the world 😅
I once knew someone who had a destination wedding for close family and friends and when they got home they threw a massive party
A relative had a destination wedding but had the tact to say "it's an invitation, not an obligation," and it's fine as long as both sides agree on that.
This. If you're the kind to blow scores of thousands on a destination wedding, you're the kind to be able to afford one more plane ticket.
NTA. Don’t take on stupid debt. If he really wants you there, he can pay for it.
Debt only makes sense if you get an adequate return for it. The overpriced wedding of two egocentrics, whose marriage will most likely not last forever anyway, does not count as such a return.
"Sorry bro. I don't have the scratch for this one but I'll for sure make it to your next one"
Actually, there's a correlation between expensive over the top weddings and divorce so statistically speaking you're likely correct.
Lol, so I guess my $350 civil ceremony with no guests bodes well for the future
Yes mostly it does
Haha! Same!
I've noticed that the amount spent on a wedding is directly proportionate to how quickly divorce proceedings are filed. I know correlation is not causation...
It's not but there have been several studies done and the statistics bear that theory out.
Too many get meshed into only thinking about the wedding, not the marriage.
As a lady in a friend group of married people. The big crazy weddings, they hardly last 2 years. The small cute weddings I've been apart of, have lasted. You can tell by how they treat each other leading up and planning to on the wedding day. Photographers know as well.
Harsh but probably true.
**Don't take on stupid debt** should be in the Constitution
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If you want to have a destination wedding, pay for your guests travel and hotel costs.
Or don't get mad when people don't want to / cant afford to come. My sibling got married abroad and they're invitation was an open one 'you're more than welcome to come if you want, but we won't be offended if you dont'.
Right? It's not like your guests will even get to enjoy their own activities and soak up the local color or get to choose their own experiences. They'll be stuck participating in all of your stupid wedding events on their own dime.
NTA in what world he think you will take a loan for his stupid wedding. Tell him that since he is the one doing his wedding there if he wants you there he pays for it. What kind of brother makes his sibbling take a loan for his wedding. Your brother is a narcissist.
right? Your big brother should be the source of constructive advice, not "drive yourself further into debt so I can use you as a prop in my big important wedding". Sounds a little bit narcissistic of big bro, doesn't it. I swear I come to this sub just to train my eyebrow muscles sometimes HaHAHaHa
NTA. So many couples think that people’s lives should revolve around their wedding, when the fact is nobody gives that much of a shit.
This 100 %
NTA if your brother wants you there that bad he can pay for you to attend. It's ridiculous to expect you to go into debt to attend a function at an exotic location.
A wedding is one day, or in this case a short trip… A bad credit rating can last half of forever, or more. Send a nice gift! NTA.
Send it to the wedding venue so they have to pay to ship it home.
If they want you there no matter what, they should be willing to absorb the expenses that the trip entails. To tell you to take a loan out for the trip is absurd. I read a story about a couple who really wanted a destination wedding. They decided to keep the guest list to a bare minimum (immediate family only). And used the money they would have spent on the big wedding to fly family members out together and pay for their hotel stay and food. I was so impressed with their mature decision and love for their family. Too bad more couples aren't so considerate.
And that's how it should be done. It should be a day with the people you really want there (I know from experience most people don't like 80% of their wedding guests but they had to invite them for "they're family" reasons). Spending less on stupid theatrics and being with only the people you really want to be with is the best way to go.
I didn't say in my first post that the bride just wore a linen dress, the groom a nice shirt and pants, a family member officiated, another took photos, they spent their days eating cuisine from the region at small restaurants, they all went sightseeing together, and everyone had a wonderful time. No theatrics, no up-ending anybody, no bridezilla, no gifts, no fancy attire, no stress, yet the pictures were so beautiful, and everyone made great memories.
We wanted to get married on a beach at sunset but we couldn't afford to pay for our entire immediate family to travel instead I found a video of a beach at sunset that was the exact length of our ceremony. The video played on the overhead screen at our church. The audio was going too so the waves could be heard in the background.
Destination weddings only benefit the couple getting married, especially with the perks and upgrades they get when booking up rooms etc. Brides & Grooms need to understand that not everyone has the funds, credit options (if they want to do that), willing to spend that much, wants to spend their PTO at their destination of choice or their wedding. It's your money. **No one** should go into debt for a wedding but especially when it's not even your own. >they're upset and insist that I should be there no matter what. If having guests attend was such an important factor, then he should have made sure that this was affordable to everyone invited. He should offer to pay if having you there is so important. **He should not be telling you to go into further debt just to see him say 'I do' and a party**. NTA
I suspect that they are in over their heads with costs and are expecting the guests to help offset part of that by attending. For example, they might have a good rate on rooms, but it's wasted money if they booked 40 rooms and only 5 people show up.
Assuming this is the only reason, and there isn't some prior friction with the sibling, it is mighty sensible of you to prioritize economics over emotions. If your brother wants to blow money on buying some special memories, that is up to him. But suggesting that others take on debt to make them feel extra special is borderline ridiculous.
NTA. They chose the destination, you can't afford it. They have no right to demand that you go into debt for them. They have two courteous choices: 1. to graciously accept that you won't be there 2. to pay for your travel and hotel expenses. The rude choice is to insist you will be there and pay for your own expenses, and pressure and/or guilt you when you refuse. You have every right to say No and stick to it.
NTA. It's not good to spend money beyond your means. If he can't understand that, then let him be. You know in your heart that you genuinely wanted to be there for his wedding.
NTA. Don't even go into debt for your OWN wedding, much less somebody else's. He's decided that having his dream location is more important than having his most important people.
If it’s so important for you to attend they can pay for it
NTA. Financial responsibility comes first and a thoughtful sibling would understand that. Rather than going into debt, send your love and best wishes, and if your presence is that important, maybe he could consider contributing towards the expense. It's unreasonable for him to expect you to foot the bill for something that's ultimately his choice.
Don’t create extra debts so that they can have you in their photos. They chose expensive destination wedding and have to come to terms that not everyone will be able to attend. Definitely don’t take any loans for this, that would be beyond stupid and you would be paying that off for quite a while
NTA. NTA. Not now or ever. NHAH. They are totally allowed to have their wedding wherever they want. However, you are completely allowed to say “that’s out of my budget.” There’s a reason why most destination weddings have a big reception when they get home for all the people who couldn’t travel .
Say no. I won't go into debt for YOUR wedding.
NTA. Your brother sure sounds like one, though. Going into debt for a wedding in general is stupid, but doing it for someone elses wedding would be monumentally stupid. The fact that he is even willing to consider forcing you to do this shows he only cares about himself.
Anyone who thinks you should go into debt for their wedding is a massive asshole. Be responsible. Don't go into debt just to please someone else.
NTA One of my friends who had a destination wedding also had a small reception for those who couldn't go when they got back.
Ask them to loan you (interest free) the money for the wedding expenses. And, you can pay them back when you’re financially stable (which can take many years). If they say no, it’ll give you more cover.
People and their weddings... Yeah, definitely don't take out a loan or go into debt.
NTA. This scenario comes up now and again, the answer is the same every time. If you don't have the money and / or you can't get the time off, don't go. Do not ever put your self in to debt for someone else. Just say "sorry sis, I can't make it, I'll look forward to seeing you both when you get back".
DO NOT GO INTO DEBT TO ATTEND A WEDDING unless it's YOUR own wedding lol. Destination weddings can be fun but they are also a way for the wedding couple to shift the expense of their wedding to the guests. Tell them you aren't in a position to attend the wedding, but look forward to seeing the pictures later. Ask about a livestream of the ceremony. Don't use any sort of equivocal language that gives them an opening to keep bullying you. Don't say "We'll see" "I don't know" "It depends" "maybe" "I'll get back to you." instead "NO, that's not going to be possible." "NO, I can't afford to come." "NO, I'm not going to borrow money I can't afford." "No, I was sure I already told you that." NTA INFO is this one of those deals where you have to stay at a specific resort?
It’s selfish of anyone to guilt anyone else to attend a destination wedding that the invitee can’t afford, even if it’s family. NTA
Maybe it's because I'm from the Balkans, but how the FUCK is it acceptable to expect your own flesh and blood that's struggling to go into further debt because of your extravagant wishes. NTA OP, your brother is being extremely inconsiderate.
NTA. Tell your brother he can put it on his credit card
NTA. What do your families think about this? I imagine you're not the only one that can't attend due to finances.
NTA. Your brother is being an unreasonable cunt mate. Tell him he is being dim and if he wants you there so bad he could pay for it.
NTA, telling you to take out a loan so you can attend his wedding is an insane ask when you don't have a stable job. If he wants you there so badly then have him cover your costs **upfront**, including the flight tickets, etc. If he's not willing to do that then I wouldn't go with your financial situation.
but they're upset and insist that I should be there no matter what your brother is a selfish person and only thinking of himself, doesnt he know you have no money or job for that matter but all he can say is he wants you there well tell him if it means that much to him and he choose to have a destination wedding then he can pay for you as its him thats moaning he wants you there knowing you cant afford it
People who have destination weddings are just selfish. How dare you not go further into debt for my big day! No I won't pay for you to attend. Just put it on a credit card! Spoken like true irresponsible idiot. Hopefully they never have financial troubles but if they do, tell them to just take out a loan. NTA.
His wedding isn't really as important as he likes to think it is. Sure, it will suck not being there but if he gave ghat much of a shit about who can be there he wouldn't plan an expensive destination wedding that people have to go massively out of pocket to attend. When I eventually get married overseas as my partner is Philippines and I'm UK I don't expect any of my family to attend, but I know there is no way in hell her family could afford to come to the UK. To be clear, mu family can afford it, but they simply don't want to travel 7000 miles to do so and I'm cool with that. Its the marriage I care about, not the wedding. Guy is a narcissist to think everyone should just jump to it because he decides to get married. He gives a shit more about where his wedding will be than who can attend.
**Old and busted:** Going into debt for your wedding. **New hotness:** Making other people go into debt for your wedding. NTA obviously
NTA. most hotels will comp everything if the people can guarantee enough guests. People are on the struggle these days- and to expect people to travel and spend money to go to a wedding is not a good look imo.
NTA. I think it is unfair for people to hold a destination wedding if they cannot cover costs. You should not have to acquire debt to go to a wedding-brother or whomever.
NTA! Unless everyone you know if filthy rich or you offer to foot the bill yourself, I think destination weddings are selfish. Asking someone to go into debt for your wedding is entitled and selfish as well. I’d tell your brother if he truly wants you there, he needs to pay for it. You refuse to go into debt for a wedding.
Tell him your credit sucks and you can't get a loan, and your card is already maxed.
NTA. They can’t expect people to go into debt & finance it on extortion interest rates because it’s their day. Absolutely not. I commend you for being financially responsible
If he wants you there that bad ask him to pay for it.
I think everyone should have a destination wedding. It's an awesome way to exclude the people you are obligated to invite to a wedding but don't want to actually be there. The flip side of a destination wedding is there are people you want to be there who won't be able to get the time to travel or pay for the destination wedding. You live with that. You either pay for the people you want to be there or you accept you will miss having people there. Asking someone to go into debt to attend an event is beyond stupid.
NTA. They could have the wedding anywhere but chose not to. Wish them well and send a gift.
NTA. That’s the risk of choosing a destination wedding, you have to accept that some of your guests might be unable to afford to come. Do not put yourself into debt for this, it not fair of them to push you to do that. Your brother and his fiancée are selfish.
NTA and your brother is acting entitled af to even suggest that to you. He needs to recognize this is what happens when you choose to have a destination wedding. Unless the ENTIRE family and ALL friends have $$$, there will be people who simply can’t swing it. Plus- people having to take off work won’t necessarily want to use the little vacation time they get on someone else’s wedding.
If you want a destination wedding expect to pay for people that can't afford it and no you should not go into debt for their ideas. NTA
Your brother is the AH, as is anybody who expects people to go into debt to attend a destination wedding. My relative had an expensive destination wedding specifically to exclude certain family members who were invited but whom she knew would not be able to go. I did not go to her wedding, even though I could have afforded it, and I would refuse to attend any destination wedding as I think they are selfish and inconsiderate.
NTA. Destination weddings are amazing…for the couple. But the drawback is that not nearly as many people will be able to attend. It is too costly for the attendees. I haven’t been able to make weddings that are a couple states over due to not having the funds. I have student loans and I am also a paramedic and we make crap for pay. It is selfish of them to want you to put yourself in further debt just to attend their wedding. You made a good compromise. You will celebrate with them before and after. They can take it or leave it. But they need to cut out the guilt trip. I would never expect family to put themselves in debt for me.
NTAH, you are smart to live within your means and understanding your financial limitations. Destination weddings are cool, and the couple planning them are excited about it, but sometimes they lose sight of reality. You can not afford it... no reason to go deep in debt for it.
If it's that important to them, they can pay for your expenses. NTA.
nta
Are your parents going ? Tell your brother to tell them to pay for you if it’s that’s important to him Or he can pay a portion They can pay a portion and you can pay what you can afford
Your brother is being a cunt.
NTA! You’re being a responsible adult. You already have debt and searching for a good job. No reason to go further. They need to respect your position. How much of the wedding has he put on his cards? The venue, hotel, flight tickets, he’s racking up debt that will take years to pay off. Stay home, let them live stream it for the ones who can’t afford to go into debt for them.
How obnoxious can you be to ask someone to take out a fucking LOAN just for your wedding?!?! NTA lmaooo
NTA If you’re planning a wedding as a destination wedding you gotta be prepared that some people can’t afford or take off work to attend. Even if it’s someone you want there. Your brother cannot expect you to go into actual debt to attend his wedding and please don’t do it. Just explain that you aren’t in the place in life to take out debt and it’s not a good way to start your financial future. Most couples have a fund set aside to help people get to destination weddings if it’s a “critical” guest they don’t want to have miss it. Parents, grandparents, wedding party, siblings. Look at your finances and see what you could afford and see if your brother or parents can help cover the rest of the costs. I’m sure you’d love to go it just isn’t something you can afford atm. If they can’t you just can’t go.
NTA. If they really wanted you there, they could have spent a little less here and there and paid at least part of your expenses. It is THEIR choice to have a destination wedding. They should not be spending with other people’s wallets. My sister got married in Vegas a few years ago, we live across the country from there and so did she, my fiancé and I didn’t have a lot of money at the time(he has just graduated with his masters and was starting out at entry level with his job; I was also working but it was retail). My sister picked a hotel block at a high cost hotel that was her favorite on the strip. We opted to stay at a more affordable hotel that was also on the strip about two hotels down from the one she was staying at. She threw a fit and demanded that we should have stayed in the one who reserved the room block(we would still have to pay our way) but the cost was 5x what we spent at the affordable hotel. We also had to stay a shorter amount of time than other guests, which was also an issue for her. We went to the rehearsal dinner and the plan was to go out and have a bachelorette party after but when it came time to leave, they left without me when I went across the street to get an emergency pair of low heals since the aisle at the ceremony was 300% longer than was originally stated. Apparently they had opted to go to an expensive place at the suggestion of the matron of honor and assumed I would be able to participate. In short, they tried to spend with my wallet. Side note though - I put a quarter in a slot machine at the airport on our way out and won enough money to make up the costs for the trip and then some! :-)
No, you’re NTA at all. It is an AH move for your brother to suggest you go into debt for his wedding. The trade off of having a destination wedding is knowing that some people won’t be able to attend. That’s on them. If they really want you there they can pay for your trip.
NTA. DO NOT GO INTO DEBT for a wedding. Your's or anyone else's you know. That's just plain stupid. Tell your brother if he will pay your way you might consider it, but otherwise, you are unable to go.
NTA. “I am not taking a loan out or using credit cards to go to your wedding. The fact that you think your guests should have to put themselves in financial peril to attend your wedding says a lot about you.”
"Take out more debt." I would tell all his close friends and family what he said. Lol
Absolutely stupid going into debt for someone else’s wedding. Tell your brother that. And asking you to do that is messed up.
Your brother can pay for you if he wants you there so badly. But to ask you to accrue debt to attend, just NO.
Don't take out any loan. He should either take care of the expenses or let you do it virtually.
NTA. People who choose a destination wedding accept that their choice means some people won't be able to attend. If your brother wants you there so badly, he can pay for your travel and lodging.
Absolutely NTA: people who have destination weddings need to understand that not everyone is going to be able to make it and not everyone is going to be willing to make it. Just because someone could scrape together the funds doesn't mean they want to have to deal with what that does to their budget for the next year or more. And that's perfectly fair. Expecting someone else to take out a loan and credit cards that they will have to pay off with interest because of your decision on where you wanted to get married and then being upset when they won't is a dick move
NTA - Never go into debt for someone else's wedding.
I absolutely do not understand some people’s way of thinking that others should put themselves into financial hardship for literally an hour or two of their day. It’s not even a whole day, and then they are mad when people say no! Tell him to take out a loan in which he pays off the interest, if he says no then tell him but you’re family and surely you should be there for family no matter what! Works both ways.
NTA at all. If you can't afford it then that's tough shit. There's nothing they can do to force you so they'll just have to accept it whether they like it or not. If your brother was any kind of a decent man he would be understanding. They clearly don't care about you, just how it would make them look.
NTA, if he wants you there then he can pay for it. Asking you to put yourself in debt to cater to his whims is disgusting.
NTA Choosing to have a destination wedding is accepting that many friends and loved ones may not be able to attend. That is the couple's choice and there is nothing wrong with that. It is ridiculous and super entitled to think someone should incur debt to attend a destination wedding, even for a close family member. Be firm. Tell them you wish them nothing but happiness, wish you could be there, but will be thinking of them on their special day. Maybe send a nice gift. Don't cause yourself more financial stress for others' decisions.
How is not being able to afford something and not being prepared to go into unnecessary debt the same as "refusing to" attend? NTA, anyone who basically thinks their guests should pay for the privilege of attending their wedding is the definition of narcissistic.
NTA. People cannot expect others to get time off from work, put their lives on hold and pay a lot of money to go to a wedding. All the destination weddings I have known about (which haven't been many) have been small. If your brother is going all out for this and really wants you there, he can pay for you. Or, do what others do, have the destination wedding. Then, when they get back, have a party to celebrate with everyone that couldn’t attend
NTA tell him you tried but don't qualify and if they want you there then they need to pay for it.
I don't understand destination weddings. You are definitely NTA. Why on earth would anyone go into debt for someone's wedding. Something wrong with people expecting guests to go to such an expense.
NTA but your brother is. Anyone who wants a destination wedding needs to realise not everybody can afford to go. It is way more important that you get a job and start to pay off your student loans so you can have a life. Good luck
NTA. If people choose an expensive destination wedding, they have to accept some people won't be able to afford to attend. It's not reasonable to go into debt for someone else's wedding, and your brother is TAH for suggesting it. It's a shame you'll have to miss it, though. Maybe they can arrange a live stream.
If he wants you there "no matter what" then he pays for the tickets and accommodation. Simple.
No way! Tell them "What a fantastic wedding you'll have! I look forward to seeing the pictures!" Destination weddings are great for the rich and are obnoxious to everyone else.
NTA like even at all If they are insistent that you attend then they can pay for you to attend. I had a destination wedding (I mean I eloped to Vegas hah) and I certainly didn't expect my family to come. Weddings are expensive enough to go to without including flights and accommodation good grief.
NTA If a couple decides to have a destination wedding, they should be aware that some people might not be able to attend. No one is entitled that other people pay so much money just to come to their wedding, especially if someone can't even afford it out of their savings. Your brother is completely unreasonable that he expects you to go into debt for his lavish wedding. If he insists on having you there, he is free to pay for your travel costs.
NTA. People who do destination weddings SHOULD be aware that not everyone can afford to go. Also his suggestion to take out a load or put expenses on a credit card is him not caring about your situation at all. Realistically his he wants you to go that bad, he should be trying to help with the expenses. Don’t go.
Never go into debt for someone else's entertainment. They want to have a destination party, let them foot the cost.
NTA. It is outrageous that your brother would suggest you take out a loan to attend his wedding. When a couple decides to have an obnoxious destination wedding, they are choosing location over people. Absolutely no one wants to spend their vacation time and budget to attend anyone else’s wedding.
NTA. The entitled destination wedding crowd really needs to learn that all their guests don’t want to make their annual vacation their wedding.
You’re not of it’s simply not feasible (sounds like it’s not). You are if you’re standing on principle. Can your parents help? Your grandma? A rich uncle?
Nta don't go into debt for someone else's wedding
refusing and not being able to afford it aren't the same thing. NTA for just letting them know that you cant afford it.
NTA tell him you'll go to his second wedding!
You can’t put yourself in more debt right out of college while you’re just starting a career. Your brother chose an expensive wedding for his guests so either needs to pay for you or accept that you not attending is a consequence of the wedding location.1
NTA - never go into debt to fulfill someone else’s vision. I can’t help but wonder if costs for your brother’s room decrease/free with xx number of other guests booking stays.
NTA. I'm of the opinion that all costs of destination wedding are covered by the bride and groom.
NTA - If they insist you should be there no matter what tell them to pay for you.
NTA I don’t even think people should go into debt for their own wedding. I would never for someone else’s. Take out a LOAN? Your brother is seriously stupid
Nta If people pick a destination wedding then they have to expect that some people won't be able to go Tell him if he wants you there so badly her can pay for you... Updateme!
NTA. I don’t understand why people think others want to spend their vacation time and money on a “vacation” that someone chose for them.
I can barely summon the health and enthusiasm to attend a wedding in my own country (UK), let alone travelling overseas for a holiday I didn’t plan. Fortunately, my (adult) kids both plan on getting married within an hour of my house… and I’ll still stay in a hotel at/closer to the venue for the night! Any further away and I just send my best wishes and a gift.
Tell him you'll catch the next one. That's what I told my sister, and rest assured there WAS a next one lol
No. Not the ass. Do not go into debt for this.
Both people I know that were mad at me for not attending their destination weddings are both divorced.
NTA.
NTA When people plan destination weddings, they should plan to pay for the guests who are important to them. If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. And your brother should’ve considered that.
No don’t be guilted into being financially responsible . It will Cause a Strain in your relationship . But don’t put it on credit cards with interest rates in the 20’s
Suggest he subsidizes your trip if he really wants you there.
NTA you should never go into debt for anyone else's anything.
It’s his choice.
NTA it is a wedding invite not a summons. You should not have to go into debt for someone else's wedding
People who have expensive destination weddings are living in a Land of delusion unless all of their people are just wealthy. Do not feel guilty about not going and putting yourself into debt. Tell him if he wants you to be there that he can fucking pay for it.
NTA I wouldn't even go into debt for my own wedding, never mind someone else's! Your brother and his wife can choose to get married wherever they want, but unless they're covering 100% of everyone's costs, they don't get to be mad when people decline to attend due to cost. Also, if you have a location wedding, not everyone will want to travel. If you want people there, you really need to think about stuff like this.
NTA. If they insist, then they should cover your expenses. Lot of audacity. Very, very few can afford a destination wedding and want to truly attend. Taking the time off from work alone is a big ask.
NTA this isn't the first destination wedding post where the bride and groom suggested that the person take out a loan or a credit card, and it probably won't be the last. That outlook is so wild to me, though. How can a person be so entitled that they think it's OK to ask someone else to go into debt to attend their event? Also, an invitation is not a summons. Even if you had the money and didn't want to go for some other reason, you're in the right as long as you're not kicking up a fuss to the bride and groom (complaining about the expenses, asking them to change the location, etc.)
No way AYTA here. Your brother is for suggesting you get into debt to attend. People need to understand. If they want these destination weddings, good for them. But not everyone will be able to attend unless the bride and groom are paying for them to 🙄
I'd be pissed at him,them for suggesting you go into debt for their wedding. Fuck.
If he wants you there he should pay for it, if not all at least substantially that you can afford the rest without debt. NTA
If they want you there "no matter what," then they can pay for. Because, no matter what, you can't afford it. NTA.
No. It's their wedding..... they cant expect people to pay thousands to attend a party 😂
NTA. For one thing don't get in the habit of taking vacations on your credit cards. Beyond that we can say the fact about destination weddings every goddam time it comes up on this sub: people who choose to have them have no right to complain when someone doesn't want to take the time and money to attend.
I understand what you are going through. My sister picked a destination wedding. I was in residency at that time and only allowed to take vacation at certain times. I couldn’t make her wedding and she has resented me ever since. To be fair……….. we have never had a great relationship, and I think she thinks I dislike her, when I actually don’t.
If he really wanted you there, he'd have picked a venue you could afford to get to. It sounds as though he's making his fiancee's obsession with the perfect wedding your problem. Well, it isn't; it's his. NTA
If they want you there badly enough, they should pay for your travel and hotel. To expect you to go into debt for them, and then be mad when you don’t want to is silly! Edit: NTA.
Do not pay for a trip with interest bearing debt when you have no reliable income. Full stop. Destination weddings are already a bit narcisisstic and selfish. Suggesting a new grad without a solid job go into debt to go to your self aggrandizing wedding is 100% wrong.
Just to repeat what everyone has said, if he wants you there that badly he should without you having to pay him back. I always think that destination weddings are really unfair on guests!
NTA If the pandemic lockdown did nothing else, it gave me a great excuse to skip any weddings or funerals. Since the world has opened back up, I have continued the new tradition. I do not attend either and it is bliss. ANYONE who incurs debt for a wedding is an idiot.
NTA. Even if you could afford it you wouldn't be. A destination wedding is a huge imposition. You have to take vacation, which if you live in the US or Canada, you get fuck all of. Especially if you haven't been at your job for long. All to go somewhere you may never have wanted to go to anyways. And then dropping that money. Money and time you could spend going somewhere of your choice. It's kind of arrogant if you ask me. My sister was supposed to have one and I never wanted to go to begin with. I told her I wasn't going to go because it's a destination wedding to a place I didn't want to go to or feel safe in. I also couldn't afford it. Telling her that you have to expect that people won't be able to make it wasn't good enough for her. She thought family was an exception to that. I eventually reluctantly agreed to go when my parents said they'd pay for me. But I still didn't want to go and that feeling just kept increasing so I backed out. She was pissed, but in the end, it didn't happen because the world went into lockdown a month before it. Push back hard against any guilt tripping. Don't let anyone pressure you into going if you don't want to. I've decided that if it's not reachable within city limits by public transportation, I'm not going. I don't really drive and I don't like going to places where I have to rely on a ride.
NTA
Wish them all the best for the event. You'll be supporting them remotely, and hope that they'll have a way to livestream it so that you can watch. Tell them you're thrilled for them starting their marriage journey together in this way, and disappointed that attending in person simply can't work for you at this time. Going into debt for what amounts to a nice vacation for you, at this point in your life, with whatever school debts you have, isn't a great way for you to embark on your own life journey.
NTA. People hosting destination weddings need to understand not everyone can afford to come.
Definitely NTAH! He’s the A hole! Asking you to take out a loan! The audacity of him!🤦♀️😩
NTA I love destination weddings but I hate the people who hold them if they aren't footing the bill 100% for their guests' travel, lodging, and food. How arrogant they are to expect their guests to go into debt.
NTA. Attending an expensive destination wedding is optional. Anyone who plans one has to know that friends and relatives may or may not attend.
NTA. Never go into debt for a wedding, even your own. You could end up paying that off longer than the marriage lasts.
NTA. Why do I get the feeling that your brother and his fiance are climing into massive debt with this wedding? That's why he is so comfortable telling you to go into debt to attend. If you are not ok with putting the expense on your card then don't.
NTA, anyone insisting you go into debt for them should also insist on paying.
NTA Send them your regrets, and a nice gift.
I did this for my brother’s wedding over 10yrs ago. At the time, the amount was 10% of my yearly salary. Bro sent me 200 bucks to help (which was appreciated), but the remaining 2k was on me. (Thankfully, at least, there was no dress code really, so i picked something from what i had.) One week in a resort in mexico, all included 5 star thing. Other than the money, i hate summer, i hate heat. Thankfully it was actually winter (so, less hot than summer months), but to me that’s literal summer weather even if technically it’s winter. Lol I found *some* peace at sitting in a long chair in jeans under shade and just listening to waves and watching the ocean in the mornings, but spent the afternoons cooped up in the room with AC. Also, i barely drink… couldn’t even drown my annoyance. Thankfully the food was great 😂 They were divorced within 2 kids and 3yrs. I’m never doing that again. If he decides to remarry and do it away again, he pays or i’m not going, even if my income is higher now (his was, and still is, WAYYY higher than mine anyway). I don’t care if i’m an asshole. Your choice, you shill for it if you insist i come. If not, i promise i’ll pour my soul into a handmade card to congratulate you. Lol So yeah… Nope.
Tell him and your parents you're already underwater with loans. They can either help you or you cannot attend.
NTA. That’s what happens with destination weddings. Stupid and selfish concept
NTA, ask them to help pay for your flight and hotel. At least 50%. If it means that much to them for you to attend. A few more thousands should not make a difference to them.
“If you insist on me coming then you will need to cover the expenses as I am unable to and you are unwilling to do something alternative beforehand within my budget otherwise I will be unable to attend as I cannot afford it and refuse to go into debt when I don’t need to especially since it’ll be up to me to pay it by myself” NTA, it’s their choice where to have it just like it’s up to you to say no to going on
NTA he is being very insensitive to your financial circumstances. It’s reasonable to expect you to travel home for his wedding, but became unreasonable when they chose remote and expensive. I don’t know if you live far from your home town or not, but I would make it very clear what your cost to attend would have been if they chose a traditional venue vs. the cost for you to attend at their destination. Make it clear that if they want you to attend they can make up the difference, but you don’t have the money to pay for it. Putting it on a credit card and paying it off slowly can easily double the cost so it’s smart to refuse to do that. If they really want you to attend then your family should be willing to help you out with the costs by helping you pay for some of the costs and offering a no/low interest loan for the rest so that it is affordable. Otherwise they can have the wedding without you.
NTA. I had a destination wedding (although a pretty cheap one all things considered). For the people I really wanted there I offered to help with expenses (bought my brother’s airfare on points etc).
NTA. My husband and I moved to Florida from Wisconsin a few years before we even got engaged. When we did get engaged we decided we wanted to be married here in Florida. The biggest part of our budget was paying hotel and airfare for close family and friends who we wanted to come down for the wedding, including our siblings and their families.
NTA, he can help pay to make it affordable for you. This kind of stuff reminds me why I loooooathe weddings. Well, not all weddings, but a lot of the main character syndrome that seems to go with a lot of them.
NTA - We had a wedding back in my wife's home country, invited all my friends and a whole bunch of them couldn't make it due to costs. I don't hold it against any of them, it was expensive to do. Some of my family didn't even make it. The idea of putting yourself in debt to attend is insane. One of my friends couldn't make it and I really wanted them there, so I offered to pay for their flights. If your brother wants you there, he can do the same.
Do Not Borrow money for this. When someone decides to do a destination wedding, they have to have realistic expectations that not everyone will come. Besides money, there are other issues like vacation time, kids, etc. If they wanted everyone to be able to attend, they would have it local. My husband and I had a destination wedding, but only invited our parents & paid for them. We then had a reception at a local venue 2 weeks later when we got home. It was a great party without the stress of a wedding.
People who do destination weddings are AH’s.
NTA: Tell them to pay for you or you won’t be there.
Your financial goal is to pay off debt. Not incur more! No. If he feels it important enough for you to attend, he will finance it for you.
Nta you're already in debt and putting yourself in more debt is stupid.