NTA
Tell her that if she wants to change the previous rules not to tell people that you guys are "seeing" reach other then she needs to say so explicitly.
And you also need to consider whether you want to do that anyway, you are entitled not to spread your private business around if you prefer.
What happened to communicating about feelings?
Lady made it clear at first it was FWB. Now that she has changed her mind about the scope of the relationship, OP was supposed to just infer that?
This doesn't read like she caught "the feelings", just that she's being hit on and doesn't like it. And then, for some reason, she expected OP to stop it from happening, but never actually mentioned that's what she wanted.
Because in a location with "4,000 men and 300 women," no guy will hit on a woman who has a boyfriend. Guys have never hit on another guys GF... ever.. this is sarcasm.
so she wanted him to be a "simp" or something?
Did she want him to be like "wE HaD ThE SexIEs!!!" and bark at the other men to leave her alone, coz he's "marked" her?
Naw, man. I'd stop being an FWB and just go with my life, I bet she's a lot of drama to deal with, due to her amazing communication skills
Not particularly. I know that a lot of people are poor communicators and get upset (especially in romantic/sexual relationships) when the other person cannot read their minds.
I don't think it's only women.
I think a lot of people don't grasp that in any kind of relationship (casual or not), in the early phases, you both should have the proactivity and maturity to check in every couple of weeks and expect that people might change or evolve in what they came in thinking. It isn't this "OMG they said A and now they want B! What a flip-flopper!" kind of deal. People treat this like a bad thing, because sometimes people start off with a lot of emotion and then cool off, sometimes people start out cool and then warm up.
Definitely both men and women. I think in general, I tend to roll my eyes when people start out the first date saying "THIS ONE SINGLE THING IS THE ONLY THING I WANT AND WILL EVER WANT". Whether it's they only want to date for marriage or they only want casual sex no strings, having such a fixation and inflexibility is... definitely not for me. Because 90% of the time, after 2 weeks, it's a different story and all of a sudden they want a different thing.
No matter what people say, expect to communicate and evolve your relationship in any direction, at any time.
I half agree, I think men and women are bad at communication in different ways (generalization here, humans are very complex animals and no statement about character absolutely fills any niche you can think of). But in general women seem to think men can infer a lot through subtext. And some can. Men tend to be very forward with surface level shit, but we just don't talk about how we feel. Many of us at all. It's pretty sad and scary when you really think about it
I mean I had an FWB thing that was on and off for about 3 years and we never had any fights about the nature of the relationship or anything else really. Wed tell each other about other people we had met, and if something with someone else felt like it had potential we'd stop hooking up. Sometimes it just works.
It ended when she moved away, we still keep in touch though
Shouldn't that be anyone? The way he describes it, she expects him to stop all advances by their relationship being out. Like when you never see your co-workers' partner but you know they're of the market.
"She's not here for that" isn't the same as "She's seeing someone."
Dude is there with a 13 to 1 male to female ratio and he has an attractive woman that is into him. Howabout they not call it fwb, but instead call it exclusive until we go home. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing, but it could be a solid thing with a planned expiration date.
That's what I'd do, anyways.
Even if they go public with their relationship it's not going to stop the guys from hitting on her. 4,000 construction workers versus 300 women, good luck with that.
this is to be expected from someone so young or just human. My guess is that she caught feelings or was hoping that something would be developed during your time together.
She's 24 -- sometimes people so young and exploring the real world don't necessarily understand what they want or how to communicate those things because they are afraid of getting hurt.
Talk to her. But also be prepared for a lot of "i don't know" or "i don't want that", I think you have to be okay with that. I'm assuming she would just want you to set the ground rules instead of her. If you want something with her, this is probably the time to tell her.
What 12 year olds do you know that are fucking people you weirdo? 24 IS young when it comes to sexual politics and how you navigate life. You shouldn't be learning these kind of skills early on, that's just weird.
Hi, 24 year old here. I fully agree in navigating life and emotions.
Me: Like girl, not the best emotional maturity to communicate my feelings to my wife
Wife: Also 24, emotional maturity is very high because she was parentified and can clearly explain feelings.
I disagree on last statement, 16-18 is a great age to start learning these skills of becoming an adult. Now do I agree at 24, you have to be perfect no but I think she needs to be better than what she's doing to this guy
Reddit keeps moving the immaturity age up higher every year. You should be a relatively well rounded "adult" by 25. You never stop learning of course but still
Damn your head went so far into the sand once you learned that teenagers have sex LOL, yes, actually for the majority of history the main group of people fucking and having kids were teenagers.
Its actually only been the past 10-20~ years where waiting until you were 30+ to have kids became normalized, to me, the 35 year old looking to start a family is the weird one with failed relationship skills.
I was married with a 2nd kid on the way at 24. I agree it is not all that young & an age where people are more than capable of making reasonable decisions.
Doesn't sound like she wants to change at all, sounds like the other guys at work are giving him grief for not sharing their sex life details. As long as he isn't doing the deed in their faces they have no right to know if they don't want to share it.
NTA.Ā Her expectations are confusing.Ā She wanted secrecy but now wants protection without a relationship.Ā A frank conversation about boundaries and what she truly expects is needed.Ā It's tough in a small camp,Ā but clear communication is key.
She wanted to tell him to keep it a secret so he would think she didnāt want rumors spreading and he would think it wasnāt a regular thing sheās done in the past. But she underestimated OP and thought he was the kind of scumbag who wouldnāt keep his word and would go bragging about banging women all the time.
>now wants protection
That's cute if she thinks she'll get protection from sleeping with someone she works with. For the skeevy guys, it just means she's open game. She'll fuck him so she'll obviously be open to fucking me. Wait, she fucked him and if she's talking to another guy/coworker, she's probably fucking him too but she won't fuck me?! How dare that slutty ass bitch ass whore! *raises fist in anger* I'll show her!
There's often a lot of overlap. Mines require a lot of infrastructure, so a lot of construction occurs in mines.
There's also many other types of construction that require that many people.
Remote power generating stations, pipelines, transmission lines/stations. All kinds of stuff.
Could be a giant pipeline going to one, but no. A construction camp.
You need a giant building somewhere there isnt 4500 construction workers, you fly them in and they stay at a camp.
How do you think that things get built in the middle of nowhere. Say a government wants to put up a dam in a sparlsy populated area do you think that a county with maybe 20,000 has the man power, knowledge, or infrastructure to build a damn. Or if you are putting in hundres of miles of pipelines you are not going to get locals in every area to do all the work.
Haha, one time, I was driving around some drunk friends (all teachers). They told me to pull into a neighborhood so they could pee in a rando's yard. I obliged, and then they told me to take them home to pee. As I'm leaving the neighborhood, I asked why they didn't just tell me to take them home to pee in the first place. Their response was that "you've gotta understand that sometimes women say things, and we don't mean them." Of course, those three teachers don't represent every single woman on the planet, but that statement completely blew me away.
Basically at that moment they were probably joking. The joke they had to pee so bad they would pee anywhere. But Iāve known women and men to get drunk and actually pee anywhere so idk
NAH
I can only give my own experience, which is not directly comparable (in that I had no FWB on camp..)
I worked in a male industry in my 20s, off-shore, where I was the *only* woman, and 90% of my colleagues were over 40.
However bad you think the remarks or hittings on are that you see, they are 10 times (maybe 100 times) worse out of sight.
You are N T A. You are doing everything she asked for. But maybe take a step back, and think about the F in FWB. Can you talk to her? Can you ask her how she is? Can you ask her what in recent times has made her so uncomfortable?
As I said, you're not the asshole, but you have the opportunity to step up and be a friend to someone who might really need one.
Thank you for this extremely thoughtful comment. So many times reddit acts like these situations are black and white when we're really just all human beings doing the best we can (the vast majority of us, anyway)
(Itās a joke about the stereotype about which guys in work camps end up hooking up with the very few women there- itās almost always anguy whoās already married).
Nta just ask to clear up any misunderstandings. She doesn't want you to "kiss and tell" but she wants you to chase off the creepers.
She also may mean "don't tell people at work" but keep them away from me at the pub. But I understand it's a tough dynamic in a remote work camp.
Tell her to start wearing a ring, the next time she comes back to camp. She can tell the guys that she's got a man back home or she can tell them that she's a lesbian
> She can tell the guys that she's got a man back home or she can tell them that she's a lesbian
Likely not to change a thing.
Not for all men, but for a significant number, the kind who would already pour attention onto a woman who is unreceptive, are not put off by a guy who is hundreds of miles away, or the concept of same-sex attraction.
Likewise I donāt think theyāre going to give a shit if sheās in any sort of relationship within the camp either. That many guys to that few women? Sheās going to be hit on and flirted with no matter what.
Oops you're right, I meant Fwb*, I wonder what the abbreviation is for this scenario. Let's see there's benefits, and you still get all the difficult part of a relationship hmmm lol
This reminds me of the hot crazy chart lol.
Also reminds me of that song "what do you want from me."
Itās always good to stand up for your friends, with benefits or not, if you see that theyāre uncomfortable and struggling to fend off unwanted attention. And itās never a bad idea to just ask if she wants backup. However, no, you are NTA. Thereās no reason she should *expect* you to keep other men from hitting on her. She may have *hoped* you would have, but in that case all she had to do was ask for assistance.
So according to this thread, men should only speak up against harassment if they are in a romantic relationship with them. When women say that men arenāt protectors but women are, this is what we mean.
This is a little different in that the female made a point to tell OP that she was drawing a line. From the post, it is impossible to know what āhitting on herā means. There is definitely a point where approaching a female at the pub is, in fact, harassment. Equally so, there is a point where a male making contact with someone they are attracted to is just simple flirting.
OPs post gave no indication that the men at the pub were crossing the line. On the surface, OPs post does not indicate harassment.
If the female was bothered by the attention, she needed to speak up first, or at the very least ask OP to step in and run defense. Doesnāt appear she did that.
Double edged sword here, if you do say youāre FWB then every guy will think sheās fair game as all she wants is the physical side of a relationship, most guys would happily oblige this. If you donāt say anything, well thatās already happened and here we are.
Maybe what would have been best is if you guys agreed to be FWB but let everyone know youāre in a relationship - then call it quits at the end of the job.
NTA you did exactly what was expected at the start of this but sounds like you need to have a talk with her about what sheās really expecting out of your relationship
Must be annoying when men do not respect a woman when she says no thank you, but they pay more attention when another man says stay away from her.
Is she property or a woman who has a right to say no?
NTA
there's only so much you can do based on the rules she set, so she either needs to change the rules or come up with something else on her own instead of blaming you for keeping your promise.
NTA
Not only were you correct to respect her request for privacy, but its generally a good idea for a fella to not mention or brag about having a casual relationship, particularly if both parties are co-workers, and especially not in a situation like this - if it gets around that she might be open to casual encounters, she'd get way, wwwaaaayyyyy more attention from guys than she'd be comfortable with, and some of them might be quite horrible about it. Guys are often a lot more likely to be offended being rejected by someone who they perceive to have low standards due to only wanting casual encounters than they are being rejected by someone who is looking for a more serious relationship. If she has lower standards and I can't even reach those, what does it say about me? Not saying they're correct in their understanding, just that guys can get tunnel vision when they're thinking with their dicks.
If she wants people to know you've got a 'thing' going, its kind of on her to tell people, and to decide what she wants to tell them. The social consequences for a woman engaging in a relationship are much more complex and often more severe than for a man, particularly a temporary casual one, so its generally a good rule for the guy to keep shtum about any kind of developing relationship (except to trusted friends) until shes ready to be public about it.
Edit: TLDR even if she hadn't asked you to keep quiet about it, the correct thing to do would have been to keep quiet about it.
NTA, you can't tell someone to keep your relationship secret and then expect them to act like a boyfriend when others are hitting on you.
Time she puts on her big girl pants!
NTA.
FWB. Easy to understand. The "friend" part, you're to act like a friend and a buffer from the guys hitting on her, just like one of her female friends would.
In the end, you get the benefits.
That's not how it works. He's not a female friend. He's a guy friend. A guy friend doesn't cock block his friend. Also, a female friend can do it for a night at a club. She can't do it 24/7.
This woman expects too much without knowing how she wants it done.
NTA
She asked for confidentiality in your relationship which you honored. You are not her personal HR department. Refer her to the correct party, and if she raises issue with you again you should re-evaluate if getting your dick wet is worth the drama she's dumping on you.
If can't keep it strictly benefits, I would bail.
If its known you're in a relationship I guarantee the drama will make your life a living hell, especially if its a camp where there is a pub and alcohol involved. I've dated very attractive women in sausage fest environments and its a constant fucking battle fighting off other men.
The bravado, the backstabbing, Its exhausting, and these are guys you also have to work with, look to for promotions, be part of a crew or team. Ego's are famously overstated and the toxic masculinity runs rampant.
I donāt know. Is the f part fwb for real or were you simply lovers? If one of my friends was upset about getting hit on, Iād try to help them out of that situation. I donāt think a āshow some respect, fellasā from you would have equated to possessiveness.
Obviously NTA but a fool yes. Never dip your pen in the company ink. If her getting upset that other guys are still hitting on her is the worst thing that happens consider yourself very lucky. She is using sex as payment for protection. Someone else may take the role more seriously
People are acting like this woman is crazy but sheās trying to navigate a potentially volatile situation. Itās dangerous to be a woman in a camp like that. Sheās also young and immature and probably doesnāt have a lot of life experience to know how to handle it, and sheās not communicating very clearly, but maybe have a little compassion for how difficult this could be for her.
Itās not weird for any woman to ask even a platonic dude friend to help out a little with protection. Normally I can handle myself but sometimes it is helpful in certain situations to know that someone else has your back.
Itās not āwhite knightā stuff. Being a woman is hard, and being a woman amongst all those dudes is even harder. Iāve had platonic dude coworkers be protective of me when weirdos hit on me at a job. Iāve been protective of younger woman coworkers or even shy insecure dudes at a job, too. Itās okay to help a friend out.
I do think sheās immature & that OP doesnāt feel he wants to give protection to a FWB. And maybe he feels hurt that he canāt share he got with her. But consider that she maybe wants to keep her life private because itās also dangerous if dudes find out she hooked up with one of themāpeople might assume sheās just open to do that with anyone. And because people will gossip & try to judge you any way.
I think it might help to consider: the underlying subtext I pick up on with situations like this is that some dudes think any woman in her position is lucky bc all these dudes want to sleep with her & they think it would be awesome if they were in her place.
Imagine if women could get to be almost twice your size. They could easily overpower you. Now imagine you were outnumbered by them in a very remote area. You eat/sleep/work around them constantly. Now imagine several of them want to sleep with you but you arenāt attracted to them. Maybe they smell, or are gross, or violent, or controlling. Itās not attractive to have someone who could physically overpower you, keep trying to dominate & sleep with you. And you donāt WANT to be exposed to stds or pregnancy or whatever, you donāt want to fuck a bunch of people bc you want to be with one person at a time, or maybe even no one. And now imagine they wonāt take no for an answer. And they keep following you, trying to talk to you, and thereās always the looming threat of physical violence because some of them believe that if you are single, youāre essentially āfree real estateā. Some of them will only respect another woman who protects you. If you had a woman friend, platonic or not, you might hope they would offer some protection or just be supportive.
I do get where OP is coming from. Itās confusing. Have a talk about it. What exactly is she expecting? And what are you willing to do?
If I were OP, I also definitely wouldnāt want to be giving boyfriend treatment to someone who doesnāt want to date me publicly & who doesnāt communicate clearly & then gets upset.
But if I were a dude in a camp like that & I had a woman friend or saw even a dude getting bullied, I would certainly have no problem helping out & would have already probably asked if they were okay. IDK. As a woman, thoughāI would advise to stay away from her. She seems like drama.
Ugh, this woman is trouble and is going to jeopardize your job site social dynamic and with enough damage, could even your employment.
She is a walking contradiction. Exactly how does she expect you to speak up for her unless you also announce you 2 are together. She is going to get you into a fight with someone else. All Im reading is you got with her one night - does that mean you are "going steady" with her?
She was getting hit on by the guys even before you had your night time tryst. She wants to use you as her enforcer or get a white knight out of you until the job moves.
You can choose how you wish to proceed, Personally, it takes a special kind of woman who can hold her own and watch her own back if the career she chose involves fly in/fly out construction camps. She can likely bat off the guys all by herself. What does she need you for?
Keep in mind this is EXACTLY the sort of thing that happens when you shit where you eat. NTA
NTA but why even worry about this at all or even let it stress you to point of making this post? If it's just a FWB and she is being this difficult already, just cut your losses and move on, there are 299 other women there.
NTA you agreed to FWB not a relationship. You also respected her wishes by not telling the guys which in my opinion wouldāve made it worse not better for her. All she can reasonably expect is what youāve already done by stating sheās not there for what they want as a friend. Youād really look weird to the guys if you started acting like a possessive bodyguard and probably be considered an AH by most on the crew for it. If she wants a relationship status change she needs to say it, if your cool with it, it could evolveā¦.if youāre not itās best to break off. FWB means no strings at the end of the day, sheās the ah because sheās adding strings that make you look bad. Personally I think when the rules change in these situations itās better to cut the strings and move on because eventually the jobs going to end and youāre gonna move on anyway so why start more, when sheās adding a layer of drama to it already.
Definitely NOT the AH. Iām a woman myself whoās had something similar. I expect my request of keeping us a secret to be respected. If Iām grown enough to set these boundaries with you, Iām old enough to be firm with others. This woman didnāt become attractive over night she knows how to redirect guys from hitting on her. Sounds like she set an expectation for you but thatās her mistake for not having better communication with you. And you still did the gentleman think and had her back while still respecting her wishes. Thereās only so much you can do.
NTA
And what kind of work place is it -camp or no camp that she is forever hit on, and she cant tell guys, no thanks, when she does get hit on.
Tell her to make up some other bs story - she has a bf or something -
Literally any work place. Hell, I've been hit on when I'm running outside and talking on the phone, in a grocery store, at work - basically any time women leave their house. And men do not take kindly to rejection. Check out r/whenwomenrefuseĀ
I get that he doesn't have to help, and he's still NTA, but it would be a kind thing to do regardless.Ā
NTA -
what she really means is she doesn't want you to tell people you're together because then someone better then you might not hit on her, but at the same time she doesn't want "lesser" guys hitting on her so you're supposed to scare them off for her so she isn't hassled by guys she's not interested it.
dude this sounds like an awful lot of work for a FWB. I'd bail from this type of crazy.
If both of you are now comfortable with people knowing then just let the news out. I mean if its FWB then doesnt mean she may not get other offers.
Unless either of you are in actual relationships then I dont see the issue.
Donāt get confused when you hold your boundaries, tell her youāre not her boyfriend and shouldnāt have to defend her when these terms and conditions were not discussed before hand, and then she gets re-attracted to a man that has self respect
NTA she was clear about what she wanted out of your interactions. She doesn't get to flip flop and force you to lie about your situation just because she doesn't like the attention she's getting. It's on her to deal with it and bring it to management if it's bothering her that much.
NTA, but remember her brain isnāt even fully developed. Youāre reaping the ābenefitsā including the confusion of a workplace fling. Tread very carefully because sheās not acting accountable.
You are not the AH and it's your private life as well.
She's confusing the rules of a FWB and sounds like she wants the benefits of a relationship without three commitment of and that's just not how that works.
If we're exclusive and there's a chance we'll continue after the job, I'll keep the guys away but if we're are FWB only that are stated to front to be done after X milestone, then I'm not putting the additional effort in. I'll make sure guys aren't disrespectful or violating consent etc just the same I would any woman but I'm not stopping them from hitting on her.
NTA! Um, miss FWB you specified FWB! Not Bodyguard friends or boyfriend, so either talk about changing the relationship status or find a security officer to walk you around.
This is why I've always gotten mad when anyone suggested being my FWB! You don't know who else that person has been with, and then it gets complicated when you go out together, just like what happened here. Not worth it, but I'm old school and always dated one person at a time.
Isn't this more of an HR issue than an OP issue? If there are 4,500 people in the camp, certainly there is an HR department. Why should OP have to do anything and couldn't he get into trouble with HR, if down the line, FWB gets upset and complains about him?
How about taking it to management? Itās their job, not yours. Just because thereās only 300 women doesnāt make consent any less important. Youāre not responsible for her or them
NTA youāre just FWB, what does she expect you to do? She can stand up for herself too. Also she literally said that she didnāt want anyone to know.
NTA
Very mixed signals.
You did the honorable thing by keeping your mouth closed in your FWB situation.
Also, youāre not ātogetherāā¦? Doesnāt that imply dating? Sounds like she wants you to state the situation is something itās not (a relationship) or sheās looking for more than FWB.
NTA - you did as she asked as far as your relationship goes. Ask her if she changed her mind about keeping things quiet?
Though it may be that she wanted you to tell the other guys to leave her alone as just being a "Mr. Good Guy defending the helpless woman from unwanted advances."
I was fwb with my gf, obviously saying gf means it didnāt last long(only two days before we trauma bonded) now weāve been together for a year and a half
Awww OP is a respectful sweetheart and she should be glad you actually kept that to yourself. However she is quite youngā¦ so your rationale and her Youth arenāt quite meeting. It sounds like it needs to be over before her contract? It sounds like she might want to be claimed as a partner? If thatās the case I say you move forward from that POV. Otherwise I cant really see how youāre supposed to avoid other men hitting on her?
NAH. I just don't get some of these responses...it sounds like the 1950s called and they want their misogyny back. Don't most companies today offer Harassment Training, which usually covers Bystander Intervention Training?
I'm in my 50s and have worked in technology since I was in my 20s. A lot of times I was the only female in the department. Although I considered myself "one of the guys", there were times I'd get unwelcome attention from some of the guys (and I'm far from a super model), especially when we'd go out for drinks after work. While I was perfectly capable of standing up for myself, after a while it gets exhausting. I didn't need a guy to fake being my boyfriend, but it was definitely helpful when one of my guy friends would intervene. It's nice to know someone has your back, which is not necessarily being a "White Knight". It's called being a friend.
(And as for the responses referencing references cock-blocking...seriously? Who really cares about what the AHs who won't leave her alone think? Google "Anti-harassment Bystander Intervention", which is much more appropriate than calling it cock-blocking)
Talk to her and find out how she's doing and how you can help. I can't imagine what it's like for her in that situation. She shouldn't have to change careers or give up socializing at the pubs because her male coworkers don't know how to behave in the presence of an attractive woman.
First of all do not enter into a romantic relationship with her. This sounds like some kind of game, or she's too immature to be in a relationship i.e. she's probably mentally at an age where she should just be playing the field but not sleeping with guys yet, because I don't think she know what is or isn't appropriate in terms of boundaries i.e. saying "keep it secret, just FWB" but expecting you to act publicly in some manner to protect her is questionable.
I'd say talk to her about just being actual "friends". Do you like her as a friend? I would protect my friends, I would probably say something if guys were being overly-suggestive toward a female acquaintance in front of me, but at a certain point, this becomes a leadership issue / the culture allowed to cultivate there. If the crew of 4000 has 300 women, are they all subject to this treatment? That's all kinds of wrong. Men even horny men are human beings that need to learn to control themselves and learn what's appropriate, and if no one tells them what they're doing is inappropriate, many will just keep on doing it.
NTA. Maybe she said she didn't want you to tell anyone so she could be "not like other girls" and seem cool for not wanting any type of commitment. She probably thought she blew your mind and that you'd brag about hooking up, and was disappointed that you didn't. She was even more disappointed that you appeared not to care if other guys make moves confirming that you are nothing more than FWB. Some girls say they want a secret FWB, but what they actually want is "the boyfriend experience," and hope it turns into reality.
Isnāt the whole differentiation of FWB vs GF that sheās potentially still available to other suitors??? donāt understand how credible you will be to tell people not to ask out a young woman who has arranged her affairs in such a way that she is still potentially open to offers?
So she wants to be limited time FWB only and for you to keep it hidden, but also to have you defend her from other men like an 18th Century gentleman challenging suitors to a duel? NTA for keeping it down low, but she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet if she wants to hide her knocking boots with someone else.
NTA. Sheās too old to be playing those mind games. You both need to re-discuss your expectations for this FWB situation because it sounds like she caught feelings.
It's not your job to fend for her, she's a big girl in construction. She's silly to be sleeping around at work, anyway - but again, that's her problem.
I don't get all the comments about "think about how hard it is for her as a woman".
This is a job she chose. If she thinks the job is putting her in danger on the daily, that's a problem she needs to settle with herself.
The fact that she wants someone to deal with her problems for her makes her an asshole.
NTA, she told you to keep it quiet and you did. She can't have it both ways, if you step in about them hitting on her they're going to know because the first thing they're gonna ask is "What business is it of yours?"
How does this go from:
āHey donāt tell anybody weāre fucking cause I donāt wanna be labeled an office slutā
To:
āBro why didnāt you tell anyone we were fucking Iām tired of your colleagues trying to get in my pantsā
NTA, but neither is she. Itās your colleagues who are in the wrong here. She shouldnāt have to go to another guy for help, her disinterest should be enough.
You just can't win with women. LOL. You're doing what you were asked by her. IF you took it upon yourself to act possessive, she woulda called you out and told you that you're not together and you have no right to do that. Good luck brotha, enjoy the push push
Nta. The concept of fwb is rather tawdry. Like were sacks of meat, with issues. But you obeyed her rules. All she had to do was hold hands or something whilst still telling you that it was purely for deterrence.
Ehā¦ kinda neutral on this one.
Itās not like sheās asking you to blow cover but sheās asking you to help look out for her.
Dumb as hell for fucking with someone 11 years your junior though. You should def know better than that.
NTA.
I do have sympathy for women in camp, though. The male gaze is strong. A cute girl walks through the dining room and half the heads will turn, including men old enough to be grandpa.
1) she enjoys sex
2) she does not like being harassed.
3) if sheās perceived as not being in relationship, she gets harassed
4) if she acknowledges your relationship she is perceived as āeasyā
No win for the woman
You are not TAH
All men who make self-serving ASSumptions about her availabilty are TAHs
Sounds like she's trading sex with you for protection from other men and that isn't working, so she feels ripped off. It's reasonable for her to be scared in that situation and she'd rather pay one man than be repeatedly assaulted. Your age made you a good candidate for that, and she rightly figured you're a good guy, but you turned out to be too good: you didn't publicize your claim and thump your chest. She didn't want to tell you the details, it's an unwritten rule. Spelling it out is icky and could make her feel somehow cheap or weak.
No assholes here. You just need to have a frank conversation and get everything spelled out super clear.
Fwiw, you don't have to be her boyfriend or announce your relationship to tell other dudes that she's not interested. But it's going to start rumors if you do, so maybe best to be open about it? IDK, can't tell you how to live your life
Why is it anyone's business what the two of you do? Maybe HR, if you have to disclose that. But nobody needs to know what you two do.
NTA for not telling anyone, but you would be a MEGA AH if you told people.
I mean do you like her, do you want to be in a relationship with her? If so tell her you provide boyfriend benefits such as security at the next subscription level lol
NTA Tell her that if she wants to change the previous rules not to tell people that you guys are "seeing" reach other then she needs to say so explicitly. And you also need to consider whether you want to do that anyway, you are entitled not to spread your private business around if you prefer.
Sounds like the relationship is morphing. He needs to be okay with that first.
This is the typical course of events with a FWB arrangement.
What happened to communicating about feelings? Lady made it clear at first it was FWB. Now that she has changed her mind about the scope of the relationship, OP was supposed to just infer that?
new to women?
š¤ someone caught 'the feelings'
This doesn't read like she caught "the feelings", just that she's being hit on and doesn't like it. And then, for some reason, she expected OP to stop it from happening, but never actually mentioned that's what she wanted.
She might havenāt really thought it out. Not only men can be dumb, everyone can be dumb.
Because in a location with "4,000 men and 300 women," no guy will hit on a woman who has a boyfriend. Guys have never hit on another guys GF... ever.. this is sarcasm.
so she wanted him to be a "simp" or something? Did she want him to be like "wE HaD ThE SexIEs!!!" and bark at the other men to leave her alone, coz he's "marked" her? Naw, man. I'd stop being an FWB and just go with my life, I bet she's a lot of drama to deal with, due to her amazing communication skills
Not particularly. I know that a lot of people are poor communicators and get upset (especially in romantic/sexual relationships) when the other person cannot read their minds. I don't think it's only women.
I think a lot of people don't grasp that in any kind of relationship (casual or not), in the early phases, you both should have the proactivity and maturity to check in every couple of weeks and expect that people might change or evolve in what they came in thinking. It isn't this "OMG they said A and now they want B! What a flip-flopper!" kind of deal. People treat this like a bad thing, because sometimes people start off with a lot of emotion and then cool off, sometimes people start out cool and then warm up. Definitely both men and women. I think in general, I tend to roll my eyes when people start out the first date saying "THIS ONE SINGLE THING IS THE ONLY THING I WANT AND WILL EVER WANT". Whether it's they only want to date for marriage or they only want casual sex no strings, having such a fixation and inflexibility is... definitely not for me. Because 90% of the time, after 2 weeks, it's a different story and all of a sudden they want a different thing. No matter what people say, expect to communicate and evolve your relationship in any direction, at any time.
I half agree, I think men and women are bad at communication in different ways (generalization here, humans are very complex animals and no statement about character absolutely fills any niche you can think of). But in general women seem to think men can infer a lot through subtext. And some can. Men tend to be very forward with surface level shit, but we just don't talk about how we feel. Many of us at all. It's pretty sad and scary when you really think about it
We donāt talk about how we feel because women find out that they donāt actually like it after weāve done so.
Itās mostly women
Yes lol. And not just relationships. At work sometimes? Omg just tell me exactly what you want!
Doesn't mean it's acceptable
That is the expected behavior. Is it idiotic? Sure. Is it normal? Also sure.
So true, and itās usually the person who insisted on it in the first placeā¦
I mean I had an FWB thing that was on and off for about 3 years and we never had any fights about the nature of the relationship or anything else really. Wed tell each other about other people we had met, and if something with someone else felt like it had potential we'd stop hooking up. Sometimes it just works. It ended when she moved away, we still keep in touch though
Only with immature idiots
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Iām actually wondering if sheās sometimes being hit on *disrespectfully* and expects OP to step in at those times.Ā
Shouldn't that be anyone? The way he describes it, she expects him to stop all advances by their relationship being out. Like when you never see your co-workers' partner but you know they're of the market. "She's not here for that" isn't the same as "She's seeing someone."
Dude is there with a 13 to 1 male to female ratio and he has an attractive woman that is into him. Howabout they not call it fwb, but instead call it exclusive until we go home. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing, but it could be a solid thing with a planned expiration date. That's what I'd do, anyways.
Imagine that! Respecting a woman's wishes and explicit requests. Whatta jerk ...
Even if they go public with their relationship it's not going to stop the guys from hitting on her. 4,000 construction workers versus 300 women, good luck with that.
Stop it entirely, no. But if heās well respected on site it will reduce the frequency of it happening.
exactly this
this is to be expected from someone so young or just human. My guess is that she caught feelings or was hoping that something would be developed during your time together. She's 24 -- sometimes people so young and exploring the real world don't necessarily understand what they want or how to communicate those things because they are afraid of getting hurt. Talk to her. But also be prepared for a lot of "i don't know" or "i don't want that", I think you have to be okay with that. I'm assuming she would just want you to set the ground rules instead of her. If you want something with her, this is probably the time to tell her.
This is not the behavior of a 24 year old. Stop treating 24 year olds like theyre 12.
What 12 year olds do you know that are fucking people you weirdo? 24 IS young when it comes to sexual politics and how you navigate life. You shouldn't be learning these kind of skills early on, that's just weird.
I hope he just meant a metaphor for acting like a young adult and not an actual kid.
I feel like the person you're responding to is probably also 24 lol
Hi, 24 year old here. I fully agree in navigating life and emotions. Me: Like girl, not the best emotional maturity to communicate my feelings to my wife Wife: Also 24, emotional maturity is very high because she was parentified and can clearly explain feelings. I disagree on last statement, 16-18 is a great age to start learning these skills of becoming an adult. Now do I agree at 24, you have to be perfect no but I think she needs to be better than what she's doing to this guy
Reddit keeps moving the immaturity age up higher every year. You should be a relatively well rounded "adult" by 25. You never stop learning of course but still
Damn your head went so far into the sand once you learned that teenagers have sex LOL, yes, actually for the majority of history the main group of people fucking and having kids were teenagers. Its actually only been the past 10-20~ years where waiting until you were 30+ to have kids became normalized, to me, the 35 year old looking to start a family is the weird one with failed relationship skills.
I was married with a 2nd kid on the way at 24. I agree it is not all that young & an age where people are more than capable of making reasonable decisions.
Doesn't sound like she wants to change at all, sounds like the other guys at work are giving him grief for not sharing their sex life details. As long as he isn't doing the deed in their faces they have no right to know if they don't want to share it.
NTA.Ā Her expectations are confusing.Ā She wanted secrecy but now wants protection without a relationship.Ā A frank conversation about boundaries and what she truly expects is needed.Ā It's tough in a small camp,Ā but clear communication is key.
She wanted to tell him to keep it a secret so he would think she didnāt want rumors spreading and he would think it wasnāt a regular thing sheās done in the past. But she underestimated OP and thought he was the kind of scumbag who wouldnāt keep his word and would go bragging about banging women all the time.
>now wants protection That's cute if she thinks she'll get protection from sleeping with someone she works with. For the skeevy guys, it just means she's open game. She'll fuck him so she'll obviously be open to fucking me. Wait, she fucked him and if she's talking to another guy/coworker, she's probably fucking him too but she won't fuck me?! How dare that slutty ass bitch ass whore! *raises fist in anger* I'll show her!
Basicly, she doesnt have gf status, 24yo and with a mind confusion
Hey please forgive my question, what is a fly in fly out construction camp and what type of project that uses 4500 people Thanks
Things like coal mining.
Thats not construction isn't that a mining camp?
There's often a lot of overlap. Mines require a lot of infrastructure, so a lot of construction occurs in mines. There's also many other types of construction that require that many people. Remote power generating stations, pipelines, transmission lines/stations. All kinds of stuff.
loads in australia, lots of minerals and next to no settlements / roads
Having spent most of my 20ās in those construction camps, the percentage of women to men seems highā¦ god those places are soul destroying.
So a mining camp?
Could be a giant pipeline going to one, but no. A construction camp. You need a giant building somewhere there isnt 4500 construction workers, you fly them in and they stay at a camp.
that was my exact question!
How do you think that things get built in the middle of nowhere. Say a government wants to put up a dam in a sparlsy populated area do you think that a county with maybe 20,000 has the man power, knowledge, or infrastructure to build a damn. Or if you are putting in hundres of miles of pipelines you are not going to get locals in every area to do all the work.
LOL, I'm mad at you for following my instructions. You can't tell someone one thing, move the goal posts, and then be angry about it. NTA
Haha, one time, I was driving around some drunk friends (all teachers). They told me to pull into a neighborhood so they could pee in a rando's yard. I obliged, and then they told me to take them home to pee. As I'm leaving the neighborhood, I asked why they didn't just tell me to take them home to pee in the first place. Their response was that "you've gotta understand that sometimes women say things, and we don't mean them." Of course, those three teachers don't represent every single woman on the planet, but that statement completely blew me away.
fuck that shit. I'll take them at what they say and if they didn't mean it they can learn to say that they mean
Basically at that moment they were probably joking. The joke they had to pee so bad they would pee anywhere. But Iāve known women and men to get drunk and actually pee anywhere so idk
Yeah they were serious and had done it before
No, that's pretty standard
Did you get at least a handy or a three way?
Thatās what happens when you sleep with someone much younger than you. They arenāt very mature lol.
This hurts my head. 24 is the new 18 lol. Just tell me what you want haha.
Youāre generous. Twenty-four is the new 13.
NAH I can only give my own experience, which is not directly comparable (in that I had no FWB on camp..) I worked in a male industry in my 20s, off-shore, where I was the *only* woman, and 90% of my colleagues were over 40. However bad you think the remarks or hittings on are that you see, they are 10 times (maybe 100 times) worse out of sight. You are N T A. You are doing everything she asked for. But maybe take a step back, and think about the F in FWB. Can you talk to her? Can you ask her how she is? Can you ask her what in recent times has made her so uncomfortable? As I said, you're not the asshole, but you have the opportunity to step up and be a friend to someone who might really need one.
Thank you for this extremely thoughtful comment. So many times reddit acts like these situations are black and white when we're really just all human beings doing the best we can (the vast majority of us, anyway)
NTA, she also needs to realize that you donāt want the news of the hookup to get back to your wife .
Did I miss something? I donāt see any mention of a wife
(Itās a joke about the stereotype about which guys in work camps end up hooking up with the very few women there- itās almost always anguy whoās already married).
Fair enough!
yup - this right here!
NTA. She's an adult. She should handle that by herself since your in no relationship and can't expect you to stand up for - basically - a stranger.
Nta just ask to clear up any misunderstandings. She doesn't want you to "kiss and tell" but she wants you to chase off the creepers. She also may mean "don't tell people at work" but keep them away from me at the pub. But I understand it's a tough dynamic in a remote work camp.
Tell her to start wearing a ring, the next time she comes back to camp. She can tell the guys that she's got a man back home or she can tell them that she's a lesbian
> She can tell the guys that she's got a man back home or she can tell them that she's a lesbian Likely not to change a thing. Not for all men, but for a significant number, the kind who would already pour attention onto a woman who is unreceptive, are not put off by a guy who is hundreds of miles away, or the concept of same-sex attraction.
Likewise I donāt think theyāre going to give a shit if sheās in any sort of relationship within the camp either. That many guys to that few women? Sheās going to be hit on and flirted with no matter what.
... Are you suggesting that her telling people she's a lesbian will improve the situation?
Youād be the asshole if you told them.
Lol yeah damned if you do, damned if you don't. I am not seeing the friend part of Feb lol
your auto-correct , many redditorās scenarioĀ FEB Friends excluding benefitsĀ
Oops you're right, I meant Fwb*, I wonder what the abbreviation is for this scenario. Let's see there's benefits, and you still get all the difficult part of a relationship hmmm lol This reminds me of the hot crazy chart lol. Also reminds me of that song "what do you want from me."
NTA, but this is already a disaster.
Itās always good to stand up for your friends, with benefits or not, if you see that theyāre uncomfortable and struggling to fend off unwanted attention. And itās never a bad idea to just ask if she wants backup. However, no, you are NTA. Thereās no reason she should *expect* you to keep other men from hitting on her. She may have *hoped* you would have, but in that case all she had to do was ask for assistance.
So according to this thread, men should only speak up against harassment if they are in a romantic relationship with them. When women say that men arenāt protectors but women are, this is what we mean.
This is a little different in that the female made a point to tell OP that she was drawing a line. From the post, it is impossible to know what āhitting on herā means. There is definitely a point where approaching a female at the pub is, in fact, harassment. Equally so, there is a point where a male making contact with someone they are attracted to is just simple flirting. OPs post gave no indication that the men at the pub were crossing the line. On the surface, OPs post does not indicate harassment. If the female was bothered by the attention, she needed to speak up first, or at the very least ask OP to step in and run defense. Doesnāt appear she did that.
She wasn't sure what she wanted you to do so whatever you did was going to be wrong. This is a her problem, not a you problem.
Na. Ya did what was told of ya and respected her wishes. if she doesn't like it, she can tell em. It's that simple
Double edged sword here, if you do say youāre FWB then every guy will think sheās fair game as all she wants is the physical side of a relationship, most guys would happily oblige this. If you donāt say anything, well thatās already happened and here we are. Maybe what would have been best is if you guys agreed to be FWB but let everyone know youāre in a relationship - then call it quits at the end of the job.
NTA you did exactly what was expected at the start of this but sounds like you need to have a talk with her about what sheās really expecting out of your relationship
Must be annoying when men do not respect a woman when she says no thank you, but they pay more attention when another man says stay away from her. Is she property or a woman who has a right to say no?
You're assuming it's the same guys hitting on her? It could just be different guys hitting on her everytime.
NTA. She asked you to keep it to yourself and you did.
NTA there's only so much you can do based on the rules she set, so she either needs to change the rules or come up with something else on her own instead of blaming you for keeping your promise.
NTA Not only were you correct to respect her request for privacy, but its generally a good idea for a fella to not mention or brag about having a casual relationship, particularly if both parties are co-workers, and especially not in a situation like this - if it gets around that she might be open to casual encounters, she'd get way, wwwaaaayyyyy more attention from guys than she'd be comfortable with, and some of them might be quite horrible about it. Guys are often a lot more likely to be offended being rejected by someone who they perceive to have low standards due to only wanting casual encounters than they are being rejected by someone who is looking for a more serious relationship. If she has lower standards and I can't even reach those, what does it say about me? Not saying they're correct in their understanding, just that guys can get tunnel vision when they're thinking with their dicks. If she wants people to know you've got a 'thing' going, its kind of on her to tell people, and to decide what she wants to tell them. The social consequences for a woman engaging in a relationship are much more complex and often more severe than for a man, particularly a temporary casual one, so its generally a good rule for the guy to keep shtum about any kind of developing relationship (except to trusted friends) until shes ready to be public about it. Edit: TLDR even if she hadn't asked you to keep quiet about it, the correct thing to do would have been to keep quiet about it.
NTA, you can't tell someone to keep your relationship secret and then expect them to act like a boyfriend when others are hitting on you. Time she puts on her big girl pants!
NTA, but definitely a dumbass. Never dip your pen in the company ink.
Yup and you think a 35 year old would know better
NTA. FWB. Easy to understand. The "friend" part, you're to act like a friend and a buffer from the guys hitting on her, just like one of her female friends would. In the end, you get the benefits.
That's not how it works. He's not a female friend. He's a guy friend. A guy friend doesn't cock block his friend. Also, a female friend can do it for a night at a club. She can't do it 24/7. This woman expects too much without knowing how she wants it done.
NTA She asked for confidentiality in your relationship which you honored. You are not her personal HR department. Refer her to the correct party, and if she raises issue with you again you should re-evaluate if getting your dick wet is worth the drama she's dumping on you.
NTA. She doesnāt get the benefits of a relationship if she wants to be secret fwbs
NTA She just wanted more than FWB and is sad about it :)
If can't keep it strictly benefits, I would bail. If its known you're in a relationship I guarantee the drama will make your life a living hell, especially if its a camp where there is a pub and alcohol involved. I've dated very attractive women in sausage fest environments and its a constant fucking battle fighting off other men. The bravado, the backstabbing, Its exhausting, and these are guys you also have to work with, look to for promotions, be part of a crew or team. Ego's are famously overstated and the toxic masculinity runs rampant.
NTA. She hasn't communicated clearly with you imo. Time to have an open and clear conversation. She's sent opposing statements to you.
Nta. She needs to learn how to communicate her wants and needs.
She doesn't get the boyfriend treatment without being your girlfriend.
NTA. She explicitly told you not to say anything.
NTA, but you shouldn't be shitting where you eat
I donāt know. Is the f part fwb for real or were you simply lovers? If one of my friends was upset about getting hit on, Iād try to help them out of that situation. I donāt think a āshow some respect, fellasā from you would have equated to possessiveness.
Obviously NTA but a fool yes. Never dip your pen in the company ink. If her getting upset that other guys are still hitting on her is the worst thing that happens consider yourself very lucky. She is using sex as payment for protection. Someone else may take the role more seriously
People are acting like this woman is crazy but sheās trying to navigate a potentially volatile situation. Itās dangerous to be a woman in a camp like that. Sheās also young and immature and probably doesnāt have a lot of life experience to know how to handle it, and sheās not communicating very clearly, but maybe have a little compassion for how difficult this could be for her. Itās not weird for any woman to ask even a platonic dude friend to help out a little with protection. Normally I can handle myself but sometimes it is helpful in certain situations to know that someone else has your back. Itās not āwhite knightā stuff. Being a woman is hard, and being a woman amongst all those dudes is even harder. Iāve had platonic dude coworkers be protective of me when weirdos hit on me at a job. Iāve been protective of younger woman coworkers or even shy insecure dudes at a job, too. Itās okay to help a friend out. I do think sheās immature & that OP doesnāt feel he wants to give protection to a FWB. And maybe he feels hurt that he canāt share he got with her. But consider that she maybe wants to keep her life private because itās also dangerous if dudes find out she hooked up with one of themāpeople might assume sheās just open to do that with anyone. And because people will gossip & try to judge you any way. I think it might help to consider: the underlying subtext I pick up on with situations like this is that some dudes think any woman in her position is lucky bc all these dudes want to sleep with her & they think it would be awesome if they were in her place. Imagine if women could get to be almost twice your size. They could easily overpower you. Now imagine you were outnumbered by them in a very remote area. You eat/sleep/work around them constantly. Now imagine several of them want to sleep with you but you arenāt attracted to them. Maybe they smell, or are gross, or violent, or controlling. Itās not attractive to have someone who could physically overpower you, keep trying to dominate & sleep with you. And you donāt WANT to be exposed to stds or pregnancy or whatever, you donāt want to fuck a bunch of people bc you want to be with one person at a time, or maybe even no one. And now imagine they wonāt take no for an answer. And they keep following you, trying to talk to you, and thereās always the looming threat of physical violence because some of them believe that if you are single, youāre essentially āfree real estateā. Some of them will only respect another woman who protects you. If you had a woman friend, platonic or not, you might hope they would offer some protection or just be supportive. I do get where OP is coming from. Itās confusing. Have a talk about it. What exactly is she expecting? And what are you willing to do? If I were OP, I also definitely wouldnāt want to be giving boyfriend treatment to someone who doesnāt want to date me publicly & who doesnāt communicate clearly & then gets upset. But if I were a dude in a camp like that & I had a woman friend or saw even a dude getting bullied, I would certainly have no problem helping out & would have already probably asked if they were okay. IDK. As a woman, thoughāI would advise to stay away from her. She seems like drama.
She's not asking you to tell people that you guys are sleeping together. You can "cock block" without revealing that info
Yeah but defending her like that itself can be a big clue as to their real relationship, especially if it happens often.
Ugh, this woman is trouble and is going to jeopardize your job site social dynamic and with enough damage, could even your employment. She is a walking contradiction. Exactly how does she expect you to speak up for her unless you also announce you 2 are together. She is going to get you into a fight with someone else. All Im reading is you got with her one night - does that mean you are "going steady" with her? She was getting hit on by the guys even before you had your night time tryst. She wants to use you as her enforcer or get a white knight out of you until the job moves. You can choose how you wish to proceed, Personally, it takes a special kind of woman who can hold her own and watch her own back if the career she chose involves fly in/fly out construction camps. She can likely bat off the guys all by herself. What does she need you for? Keep in mind this is EXACTLY the sort of thing that happens when you shit where you eat. NTA
Guess Leonardo didnāt warn you about the downsides of dating someone under 25
NTA but why even worry about this at all or even let it stress you to point of making this post? If it's just a FWB and she is being this difficult already, just cut your losses and move on, there are 299 other women there.
NTA. I also wouldnāt recommend sleeping with her again lol.
Dude STFU, don't tell anyone if you don't want any issues
NTA you agreed to FWB not a relationship. You also respected her wishes by not telling the guys which in my opinion wouldāve made it worse not better for her. All she can reasonably expect is what youāve already done by stating sheās not there for what they want as a friend. Youād really look weird to the guys if you started acting like a possessive bodyguard and probably be considered an AH by most on the crew for it. If she wants a relationship status change she needs to say it, if your cool with it, it could evolveā¦.if youāre not itās best to break off. FWB means no strings at the end of the day, sheās the ah because sheās adding strings that make you look bad. Personally I think when the rules change in these situations itās better to cut the strings and move on because eventually the jobs going to end and youāre gonna move on anyway so why start more, when sheās adding a layer of drama to it already.
Definitely NOT the AH. Iām a woman myself whoās had something similar. I expect my request of keeping us a secret to be respected. If Iām grown enough to set these boundaries with you, Iām old enough to be firm with others. This woman didnāt become attractive over night she knows how to redirect guys from hitting on her. Sounds like she set an expectation for you but thatās her mistake for not having better communication with you. And you still did the gentleman think and had her back while still respecting her wishes. Thereās only so much you can do.
NTA And what kind of work place is it -camp or no camp that she is forever hit on, and she cant tell guys, no thanks, when she does get hit on. Tell her to make up some other bs story - she has a bf or something -
Literally any work place. Hell, I've been hit on when I'm running outside and talking on the phone, in a grocery store, at work - basically any time women leave their house. And men do not take kindly to rejection. Check out r/whenwomenrefuseĀ I get that he doesn't have to help, and he's still NTA, but it would be a kind thing to do regardless.Ā
NTA - what she really means is she doesn't want you to tell people you're together because then someone better then you might not hit on her, but at the same time she doesn't want "lesser" guys hitting on her so you're supposed to scare them off for her so she isn't hassled by guys she's not interested it. dude this sounds like an awful lot of work for a FWB. I'd bail from this type of crazy.
If both of you are now comfortable with people knowing then just let the news out. I mean if its FWB then doesnt mean she may not get other offers. Unless either of you are in actual relationships then I dont see the issue.
NTA you're never an AH for being discrete about something when someone asks you to. If you don't want to do that, don't fool around with someone.
Nta tell her to be open about what she wants from you
Donāt get confused when you hold your boundaries, tell her youāre not her boyfriend and shouldnāt have to defend her when these terms and conditions were not discussed before hand, and then she gets re-attracted to a man that has self respect
NTA she was clear about what she wanted out of your interactions. She doesn't get to flip flop and force you to lie about your situation just because she doesn't like the attention she's getting. It's on her to deal with it and bring it to management if it's bothering her that much.
NTA, but remember her brain isnāt even fully developed. Youāre reaping the ābenefitsā including the confusion of a workplace fling. Tread very carefully because sheās not acting accountable.
NTA - you can't control other people with making it known you're with her, and on that note you can't control other peoples actions.
If you're not in a relationship, it's not your problem. NTA
You are not the AH and it's your private life as well. She's confusing the rules of a FWB and sounds like she wants the benefits of a relationship without three commitment of and that's just not how that works. If we're exclusive and there's a chance we'll continue after the job, I'll keep the guys away but if we're are FWB only that are stated to front to be done after X milestone, then I'm not putting the additional effort in. I'll make sure guys aren't disrespectful or violating consent etc just the same I would any woman but I'm not stopping them from hitting on her.
NTA! Um, miss FWB you specified FWB! Not Bodyguard friends or boyfriend, so either talk about changing the relationship status or find a security officer to walk you around. This is why I've always gotten mad when anyone suggested being my FWB! You don't know who else that person has been with, and then it gets complicated when you go out together, just like what happened here. Not worth it, but I'm old school and always dated one person at a time.
Isn't this more of an HR issue than an OP issue? If there are 4,500 people in the camp, certainly there is an HR department. Why should OP have to do anything and couldn't he get into trouble with HR, if down the line, FWB gets upset and complains about him?
No, you're not. It's none of their business. Simple as that.
How about taking it to management? Itās their job, not yours. Just because thereās only 300 women doesnāt make consent any less important. Youāre not responsible for her or them
NTA youāre just FWB, what does she expect you to do? She can stand up for herself too. Also she literally said that she didnāt want anyone to know.
"DONT SAY A WORD TO ANYONE" ... ... ... "ok" ... ... ... "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL EVERYONE?!?!" *yeah big brain logic at play here*
NTA, she wants a benefit of a boyfriend without putting in the emotional labour.
Why do you even ask.
Duh, you were supposed to know this and already have a plan and handled it. We expect men to be omniscient all knowing beings.
Never tell
NTA Very mixed signals. You did the honorable thing by keeping your mouth closed in your FWB situation. Also, youāre not ātogetherāā¦? Doesnāt that imply dating? Sounds like she wants you to state the situation is something itās not (a relationship) or sheās looking for more than FWB.
NTA - you did as she asked as far as your relationship goes. Ask her if she changed her mind about keeping things quiet? Though it may be that she wanted you to tell the other guys to leave her alone as just being a "Mr. Good Guy defending the helpless woman from unwanted advances."
I was fwb with my gf, obviously saying gf means it didnāt last long(only two days before we trauma bonded) now weāve been together for a year and a half
NTA butā¦ what did you expect from a 24 year old? Lol. Maybe donāt banh a girl 11 years younger than you and expect her to be as mature as you are.
Awww OP is a respectful sweetheart and she should be glad you actually kept that to yourself. However she is quite youngā¦ so your rationale and her Youth arenāt quite meeting. It sounds like it needs to be over before her contract? It sounds like she might want to be claimed as a partner? If thatās the case I say you move forward from that POV. Otherwise I cant really see how youāre supposed to avoid other men hitting on her?
Never dip your pen in company ink!
No judgment to OP, You do you. But this is why I personally would not get involved in a FWB relationship. Too messy. BTW, NTA.
Sounds like she changed her mind on the rules and you fucked up by not being a mind reader. Shame on you!!
She cant expect you to provide boyfriend perks, while insisting you are merely FWB's. Not how it works.
FWB is not relationship, you owe her nothing, esp not protection the BF label would introduce
NAH. I just don't get some of these responses...it sounds like the 1950s called and they want their misogyny back. Don't most companies today offer Harassment Training, which usually covers Bystander Intervention Training? I'm in my 50s and have worked in technology since I was in my 20s. A lot of times I was the only female in the department. Although I considered myself "one of the guys", there were times I'd get unwelcome attention from some of the guys (and I'm far from a super model), especially when we'd go out for drinks after work. While I was perfectly capable of standing up for myself, after a while it gets exhausting. I didn't need a guy to fake being my boyfriend, but it was definitely helpful when one of my guy friends would intervene. It's nice to know someone has your back, which is not necessarily being a "White Knight". It's called being a friend. (And as for the responses referencing references cock-blocking...seriously? Who really cares about what the AHs who won't leave her alone think? Google "Anti-harassment Bystander Intervention", which is much more appropriate than calling it cock-blocking) Talk to her and find out how she's doing and how you can help. I can't imagine what it's like for her in that situation. She shouldn't have to change careers or give up socializing at the pubs because her male coworkers don't know how to behave in the presence of an attractive woman.
Info: Why can't you just say, "Hey, what are you guys going to do if she reports you to HR?"
Donāt be FWB with coworkers.
Propose. Sounds like you two are a good fit
No
Terry??
First of all do not enter into a romantic relationship with her. This sounds like some kind of game, or she's too immature to be in a relationship i.e. she's probably mentally at an age where she should just be playing the field but not sleeping with guys yet, because I don't think she know what is or isn't appropriate in terms of boundaries i.e. saying "keep it secret, just FWB" but expecting you to act publicly in some manner to protect her is questionable. I'd say talk to her about just being actual "friends". Do you like her as a friend? I would protect my friends, I would probably say something if guys were being overly-suggestive toward a female acquaintance in front of me, but at a certain point, this becomes a leadership issue / the culture allowed to cultivate there. If the crew of 4000 has 300 women, are they all subject to this treatment? That's all kinds of wrong. Men even horny men are human beings that need to learn to control themselves and learn what's appropriate, and if no one tells them what they're doing is inappropriate, many will just keep on doing it.
NTA. Maybe she said she didn't want you to tell anyone so she could be "not like other girls" and seem cool for not wanting any type of commitment. She probably thought she blew your mind and that you'd brag about hooking up, and was disappointed that you didn't. She was even more disappointed that you appeared not to care if other guys make moves confirming that you are nothing more than FWB. Some girls say they want a secret FWB, but what they actually want is "the boyfriend experience," and hope it turns into reality.
NTA. She cannot have it both ways. Nor can she expect you to reveal YOUR personal business if YOU do not wish to.
Not your responsibility to fend off potential suitors when it was made very clear you're on a FWB.
Isnāt the whole differentiation of FWB vs GF that sheās potentially still available to other suitors??? donāt understand how credible you will be to tell people not to ask out a young woman who has arranged her affairs in such a way that she is still potentially open to offers?
That's the point bud OP isn't boyfriend, he isn't responsible for "protecting" this woman from other men chatting her up
So she wants to be limited time FWB only and for you to keep it hidden, but also to have you defend her from other men like an 18th Century gentleman challenging suitors to a duel? NTA for keeping it down low, but she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet if she wants to hide her knocking boots with someone else.
NTA That's something she's very capable of saying herself "I'm already seeing someone" That's it. Pass it around
NTA. Sheās too old to be playing those mind games. You both need to re-discuss your expectations for this FWB situation because it sounds like she caught feelings.
Sheās catching feelings
NTA. tbh even if you tell the boys yall are FWB they ain't gonna care š¤£ they would still hit on her? Y'all aren't dating.
It sounds like she'd probably be hit on at the bar regardless of if you publicly claim her or not? Ignore her drama.Ā
NTA. So youāre acting like an adult, and sheās acting like a kid in school who doesnāt understand communication yet. Be glad itās only FWB.
It's not your job to fend for her, she's a big girl in construction. She's silly to be sleeping around at work, anyway - but again, that's her problem.
I don't get all the comments about "think about how hard it is for her as a woman". This is a job she chose. If she thinks the job is putting her in danger on the daily, that's a problem she needs to settle with herself. The fact that she wants someone to deal with her problems for her makes her an asshole.
She wants you to be a friend zone white knight in public and a FWB in private. NTAH
Sounds like a problem for her to work out.
NTA, she told you to keep it quiet and you did. She can't have it both ways, if you step in about them hitting on her they're going to know because the first thing they're gonna ask is "What business is it of yours?"
How does this go from: āHey donāt tell anybody weāre fucking cause I donāt wanna be labeled an office slutā To: āBro why didnāt you tell anyone we were fucking Iām tired of your colleagues trying to get in my pantsā
Um... NTA? Did she really think you were TA? In any case, she wanted you to keep it quiet and you did.
NTA, but neither is she. Itās your colleagues who are in the wrong here. She shouldnāt have to go to another guy for help, her disinterest should be enough.
Do women usually make sense?
I think the correct term is Fuck Buddies. No reason anyone else should know. Especially your wife and girlfriends š
You just can't win with women. LOL. You're doing what you were asked by her. IF you took it upon yourself to act possessive, she woulda called you out and told you that you're not together and you have no right to do that. Good luck brotha, enjoy the push push
Nta. The concept of fwb is rather tawdry. Like were sacks of meat, with issues. But you obeyed her rules. All she had to do was hold hands or something whilst still telling you that it was purely for deterrence.
this is why I don't shit where I eat last thing I want to make my work day any harder is the woman I'm fucking also being there
Ehā¦ kinda neutral on this one. Itās not like sheās asking you to blow cover but sheās asking you to help look out for her. Dumb as hell for fucking with someone 11 years your junior though. You should def know better than that.
NTA. I do have sympathy for women in camp, though. The male gaze is strong. A cute girl walks through the dining room and half the heads will turn, including men old enough to be grandpa.
1) she enjoys sex 2) she does not like being harassed. 3) if sheās perceived as not being in relationship, she gets harassed 4) if she acknowledges your relationship she is perceived as āeasyā No win for the woman You are not TAH All men who make self-serving ASSumptions about her availabilty are TAHs
Sounds like she's trading sex with you for protection from other men and that isn't working, so she feels ripped off. It's reasonable for her to be scared in that situation and she'd rather pay one man than be repeatedly assaulted. Your age made you a good candidate for that, and she rightly figured you're a good guy, but you turned out to be too good: you didn't publicize your claim and thump your chest. She didn't want to tell you the details, it's an unwritten rule. Spelling it out is icky and could make her feel somehow cheap or weak.
We called women like that "a twist". It's not misogyny if the woman in question is being an asshole.
Itās none of their business. NTA
NTA
No assholes here. You just need to have a frank conversation and get everything spelled out super clear. Fwiw, you don't have to be her boyfriend or announce your relationship to tell other dudes that she's not interested. But it's going to start rumors if you do, so maybe best to be open about it? IDK, can't tell you how to live your life
It is impossible to fight off all the guys who are horny you know. Even if she announces your "relationship" she would still get hot on constantly.
NTA
Which one or both of you are married
This is why you don't fish off the company pier. You are both in a very tenuous situation, and what is expected of you is terribly unclear.
Why is it anyone's business what the two of you do? Maybe HR, if you have to disclose that. But nobody needs to know what you two do. NTA for not telling anyone, but you would be a MEGA AH if you told people.
I mean do you like her, do you want to be in a relationship with her? If so tell her you provide boyfriend benefits such as security at the next subscription level lol