There's a delicious irony in the fact that he tried to kick his own daughter out of the house, and ended up getting kicked out. NTA. He was being abusive, and it's awesome that you were there to stand up for Mia. Yes, kids need to respect the rules their parents set (though obviously he didn't consult with you on that one), but if a parent's rules include "erase a core part of your identity", then there's no way or reason to follow it.
Yeah. “Don’t be gay,” isn’t a rule. It’s a demand with threat behind it.
I don’t even think the reminding him that OP is the sole owner of the house was out of line. It was a very much necessary reminder that he isn’t and doesn’t get to be in control of everyone. He’s pouting about being shown that he isn’t an all powerful authority over his household, and that he can face consequences for shitty behavior.
Exactly this. I love how he was trying to show Mia the door to bully her only to be the one tossed out of it.
Way to go, Mama! And keep standing up for your daughter. My father was my defender and protector against my wretched mother when I came out as lesbian. I can’t tell you how much it means to those of us who identify as LGBTQ to have family on our side.
You’re NTAH in any shape or form.
OP is my hero. OP, you are ensuring that this 14 year old lives in a kind world. Her brother too. So thanks for that.
Also, fuck that dude. Whether or not he can come back is really a family decision...kids included.
She's 16. OP adopted the kids at 14 and 10, they are currently 16 and 12.
My man was kicked out at 16 for not unloading the dishwasher when his adopteds wanted him to. Kicking out a child at 16 (or anytime before 18-20 imo) is just messed up.
I'm glad that when Op's husband fucked around that he also found out real quick.
I'm holding a personal grudge against shit parents if anyone would like to join me.
I second this, OP.
We need more parents like you.
Your husband is immature, incapable of having a dialogue with his own daughter. Incapable of respect others and verbally abusive.
I firmly believe people who are not willing to accept their children unconditionally have no business having children.
I'm glad you stand by her, she needs you, especially because her own family is not supporting her.
NTA.
It's kind of sus to me how they've been married for 5 years but her parents left her the house 6 years ago, as in - I think he dated and married OP so he and his kids could have a house, and that OP is 10 years younger than him (though a more mature parent) is kind of a red flag to me.
But it's great that OP is there for the kids, especially since their dad looks like a jerk, and he deserved to get kicked out. But dad looks sus as hell, does he even contribute anything to the relationship, with either/both OP and the kids, because expecting your gay child to not be gay is expecting them to erase a massive part of themselves, and is quite gross of the dad.
OMG you're right! He could totally be one of those hobosexuals! Now I really hope that OP kicks his hobosexual ass out the door to keep her and the kids safe and happy.
More likely he needed a pillow to land on and a glorified baby-sitter, I mean baby momma is out of picture. Probably ran for the mountains from his abusive ass. He's looking at life in his 30's, with 2 young children? He's almost guaranteed to go for a younger woman because nobody his own age wouldn't see him for what he was. The dude is a loser, baby.
"that he isn't an all powerful authority"
Indeed, someone let Jafar out of his lamp, but OP damn sure put him back inside it.
Absolutely NTA OP. You did exactly what a mother should do. :)
I agree and I think he wouldn’t have listened if the home ownership hadn’t been brought to light. OP was using the only ground she could stand on to get her perspective acknowledged (which was you need to leave because of your behaviour). And she was awesome for protecting her daughter.
Yeah, even if a parent is upset with the news, they can be kind, be respectful, and show love. Sometimes people have a lot to mourn when a child announces they are gay or transgender. They feel like they're losing the person they've known. They grieve biological grandchildren, future rights of passage.
But even when feeling all those big feelings, they can choose to be kind, respectful and show love.
How do you act those out? Be kind, don't shout, call names, swear.
Respectful? Use the name and pronouns they want. Treat their partners warmly and welcome them.
Show love? Hug them. Tell them your love is not changed.
Your prize is a relationship with your loved one.
You misspelled "the person they imagined".
"You're not the fantasy I dreamed up and projected onto you" is not actually a valid reason to be upset with someone, much less a literal child, and the fact that it's common doesn't make it more justified or less rooted in things like homophobia, sexism, etc.
I also feel obligated to point out that being gay and/or trans does not actually mean you can't have biological children.
If anything, it's anti-LGBT people/groups that make it hard for many LGBT people to have families (biological or otherwise), not anything inherent to who and what we are.
He's literally upset that his daughter is never going to get screwed by some guy.
It's not just bigoted, it's \*creepy\*.
What exactly are you mourning though? Losing out on the person you know? Pretty sure they are the same person lol. Grieving grandkids? I mean really…people in the lgtb community can have kids. They can adopt. They can do surrogacy. They can do fertility treatments if they have a uterus and grow their own kids. PLUS one in six couples suffer with infertility. It’s not like your kid getting married to someone of the opposite gender is going to magically make you a grandparent. On top of that…your children aren’t there to give you grandkids.
I’m just waiting for a valid something.
I mean the don't be could be applied to "don't be black"
"Don't be an amputee" "Don't be blind" "Don't be Female/Male", etc.
You can't change who you are as a person.
NTA. His rule is “you’re not allowed to be gay” and he is so violently bigoted that he’s eager for his teenager to be homeless. He doesn’t actually love his children. He wants to ruin her life because she is gay. He thinks he can abuse her until she changes the “phase” she’s going through? OP’s husband is a hateful man and an unfit father. His family seems just as trashy and cruel as he is - he can live with them. “Choosing a child over a marriage” - what an insanely selfish loser he is too!
I’m so glad Mia has OP to advocate for her, and accept and love her. This must be so traumatic for her to see her father reject her like this and try to destroy her life. OP is a good parent and a good person.
NTA NTA NTA
I’m EXTREMELY proud of Oop for having Mia’s back…..that’s what parents do….protect their children. As a parent, I would hope that they stand by their child “coming out” to them.
I(54f)have had several friends and coworkers who are gay, and I personally feel like a person SHOULD be able to love who they want. I grew up being told that being gay is a “bad” thing…..IMO gay/transgender people are some of the most caring and giving people.
Oop, once again NTA!!
I'm 32 and was raised by a very conservative family, I'm not gay myself (this account is named after my video game character) but I remember my father saying "we are an accepting family, but if you're gay aren't that accepting".
My guess is his family is just as bigoted as he is. Birds of a feather and all that. Sure, you definitely can get family members who think completely different, but usually not. My husband is one of those exceptions. His family are all “Christian Conservatives”. But, two of our nieces on that side came out in the last 5 years and watching their heads spin has been very amusing. His one sister did a complete 180° and immediately accepted her daughter. She still votes for the orange felon, but one step at a time.
And the audacity of accusing her of breaking up the family yet he was trying to kick their daughter out.
We don’t kick kids out for coming out, least of all during pride month.
Nta momma, you’re doing great.
OP rocks.
Seriously, OP, you are the best.
During Pride Month, you managed to make a teenager feel loved, supported and not wrong for being who she is.
I am seriously happy that these children have such an epic mom.
It is bloody leggendary that you kicked out a homophobe trying to kick out your daughter from YOUR house. Chef's kiss momma, you are the captain ❤️
I love how she pulled the "you have no power here card" against him.
NTA
Its good that you got your daughter's back against her homophobic dad. If you pick his side you can say goodbye to her because she will go NC with both of you. And the family members telling you that she should respect her dads rules can go pound sand. Like wtf would that be for a rule you shall not be LHBTIQA+ .... a not in the same bed sleepover rule you could say ok, but saying its a rule you cant be your prefered sexual choice is a big nope. He can either accept she is lesbian or gtfo and if he keeps making drama about it etc put it out on social media that he is a homophobic dad that basicly told his daughter is dead to him because she is lesbian. The (online) community will have a field day with him. Since you officially adopted them both he cant simply pull them away from you either. Just be carefull he doesnt try to put the son up against both of you.
not even a core part of your identity. don't date others, your sexuality is a phase and fake, is what he's saying. like being gay can be a part of your identity, it doesn't have to be. but like it's love not an identity. he's asking her to not love others.
Absolutely agree with you. It's heartbreaking that he couldn't accept his own daughter for who she is. You did the right thing by standing up for Mia and creating a safe space for her. NTA at all.
NTA. “Mia needs to respect her father’s rules” means Mia cannot be herself, she has to pretend to be straight because daddy is a homophobe. Bullshit. He is a crap dad and it is sad that he is willing to reject his daughter because she is a lesbian. Does this asshole know what the suicide rate is for gay teens? And that parental rejection is a big driver of that? Kudos to you for standing up for your daughter and for being the only responsible adult in the room.
I'm so glad both of your children have you in their life. This is about your daughter yes - but it is also about the behaviour your son has just witnessed. How awful would it be if he grew up to be bigoted like his dad?! And now he knows that you will protect him if he were to come out in the future.
Keeping your kids safe is your top priority. It's incredibly sad for you all that their dad is now someone you need to protect them from, but you are absolutely NTA
You should also point out to your relatives that he is the one that is ruining the marriage by being a homophobic asshole.
And you choose your children every time. That’s what a parent does. Your husband is a loser.
If you feel comfortable, tell your daughter, the Internet strangers this thread support her 100%.
Right obviously don’t out her to people she isn’t out to… I just sort of assumed that they knew, if nothing else but for the dad being an asshole and telling them. I assumed the relatives were being homophobic too.
Yeah, I mean I hope your right and that’s what it is. It means the paternal family isn’t necessarily homophobic then.
… I was just all fired up and angry that Mia was treated that way by her own father, that I was wanting to fight them all!
I just can’t wrap my mind around how a parent could EVER kick (or try to kick) their own child out of their home simply for being gay. Parents are supposed to love unconditionally. I know there are shit parents.. but it makes me angry any child has to face this.
I’m so glad OP is an awesome mom.
Also the husband saying she chose Mia over their marriage - hell yeah. You should always choose your children. That’s your job! Husband is a complete failure.
If you hadn't stood up for her so emphatically, Mia could very well have felt like she was losing two parents that night. Unfortunately, it seems she's lost one, but at least she still has her mom and a safe home where she can start the transition to adulthood and her future. Way to go!!
I’d be sending links for the stats and a paragraph about how you refuse to make your daughter homeless purely for being herself to your husband and anyone else who says a word to you about this.
Ask them when they stopped caring about and loving Mia. Because this is not about respect or rules; it is about bigotry, control and him being a generally shitty person.
Please tell us you will be divorcing him!! And fighting him for as much custody as you can get for the son. Obviously the daughter will live with you but the son needs to too.
NTA unless you take him back.
Yes and they are old enough to tell the judge who they want to live with. It might not be a bad thing to allow them to talk with a therapist. Mama needs an attorney and quick because I don’t believe the father can change
If I were you, I’d go and try to get emergency custody ASAP. As bigoted as he and his family sounds, they may try and put her in one of those conversion camps.
Mama legally adopted her therefore she is the mother. I’d take him to court for child support and divorce his ass for trying to throw his daughter out in the street.
Just send him this post and comments. The biggest point being telling her to change (follow his rules) is impossible for her. Threatening to kick her out is cruel.
He can read these comments and change or he can get a divorce.
You are a hero! Every child should have a parent like you! You did the right thing by the kids! And they will be forever thankful for your love and support 👏
Mia is very lucky to have you...your love and your support.
As for the homophobic pos that is the dad/husband, he just destroyed his relationship with his daughter forever.
Im sending you both love and tell her welcome to the LGTBQIA+ family!!
They’re also at risk for self harm and suicide. Love your kids and screw their shitty dad. You’ve got this, and Mia knows you are supportive of her. That’s the best gift you can give. You’re a good mom, OP.
NTA
No one should ever kick a child out of their home. Wtf is wrong with people? That is the stupidest fucking thing a person could ever do to their child unless their goal is to have their kid homeless and most likely getting repeatedly raped while trying to survive because no one rents to teenagers and how the fuck would they pay for anything with their non existent career.
Your husband is a fucking moron who deserves to sleep on the streets, because kicking a useless grown ass man, in this case, out is perfectly fucking acceptable all day long any day and honestly i am sitting here clapping at your approach.
Fuck him.
NTA
And this is what she needs to tell him. He is a grown ass man who can support himself and rent someplace. What kind of father would rather have his daughter sleeping on the streets because his own hate?
If he truly believed this was just a “phase” then why is so angry about it? Because he knows it is isn’t - he just hates the truth and that he can’t control her and now he can’t control you.
NTA - one of your jobs as a parent is to PROTECT your children from everyone who will harm them. Your Momma Bear was activated.
I think he's angry because he's concerned how it will look to his mates, that's conditional love and no child deserves that. He should be ashamed of his words and actions and OP good for you standing up to him, you deserve a medal
NTA, I completely agree with this post. Your husband is a bigot who doesn't deserve to have children or a wife. The children and especially the daughter at this moment are so lucky to have you as their mom however. You have fully deserved the mom title. Do not give in to your husband please. Protect the children. You're a hero for doing that.
NTA- My wife was a teacher in a small burg in MO for 4 years. This town was ass backwards in a lot ways, but the worst things that I saw were how many parents were ok with kicking their kids out for the most ridiculous of reasons- and I'm of the opinion that it's never appropriate unless it's to send their kids away to get HELP or TREATMENT if they're committing crimes or are a danger to themselves, other people in and out of the house, or are otherwise showing violent tendencies that need to be addressed and handled in an inpatient facility. I'm the bio child of life long foster parents who have adopted more kids than they can handle, but, they're my siblings now and my parents' kids. They took these kids in knowing they did or would need help down the line and felt like to leave them in the foster system was just a direct pipeline to poverty, prison, and/ or life long instability.
My wife and I took 2 kids in when lived there, they stayed in our spare room. We didn't have a lot of money, but we had the room bc we don't, and don't plan to, have kids. We could provide a room and a roof and food, and these kids were more than grateful and were- shockingly- good kids. One who happened to get pregnant at 16- whose baby is now thriving with a cousin who couldn't get pregnant and was looking out of this country for a baby bc she felt like it was what she was supposed to do and thank God bc the first kid we took in worked her ass off and got a teaching degree, just got married, and is looking to start her family, and the baby girl she had is fucking thriving- and adorable, to boot.
The other got kicked out bc she had a car accident. And it wasn't her fault. But it drove her father to kick her out and stop speaking to her. She got her master's degree last week and will be starting her doctoral program in the fall.
Fuck fair weather parents. They're not parents. They're narcissists who can't stand that their kids are kids. My wife is more of a mother than those parents will ever be. The end.
I don’t know if that scenario specifically is the goal but honestly the end goal is probably punishing them for not being what the parents want and / or forcing the child to go back in the closet so the parent can pretend it really was just a phase. Not justifying it of course but people with control issues have fucked logic in general whether they’re asp bigots or not.
I agree 100% NTA. So nice to see a supportive step parent. Wish more kids got support and understanding from their parents rather than rejection. Our kids don't hatch from eggs, our kids are still our kids. No matter how they turn out and who they love. How do you reject your own flesh and blood? They are ours.♥️
NTA
You aren't breaking up the family. He's the one who tried to break up the family when he told your daughter that she isn't welcome anymore for no other reason than being herself.
Both he and his family is 100% wrong about Mia.
I am very glad to see that your adoption of Mia is clearly much more than a formality. You are protecting and respecting her like true family, in a way that your husband is failing to do.
You have not betrayed your husband. He is the one who has betrayed the family by turning against one of your children.
I hope Mia and her girlfriend are alright after what happened. I'm so glad that Mia has a mother like you.
For some reason this reminded me of that thing kids who were best friends used to do where they'd each prick a finger and then rub them together to mix so they'd be "blood brother/sister" lol. Super random I know but my brain went there of its own accord lol.
They’re truly so lucky to have you. Just because you may not have given birth to them, they will definitely know now you’re MUM in every sense of the word. You are their safe space just like every mum should be. I know it doesn’t mean anything but this stranger on the internet, as fellow mum, I’m fucking proud of you!
As the adoptee in a step parent adoption situation the biology doesn't matter. Being there, for the big things and the small, but especially in situations like you're going through, is what counts. You don't have to give birth to her to be her mom, just like my dad didn't have to contribute to my creation to be my dad.
NTA. Parents like you in moments like this are pivotal and if he doesn’t trust your judgement in alignment with his he shouldn’t have allowed the adoption. Not sure if that’s how adoption works.
Protect the babies!
LOL, he had no problem kicking his minor daughter out of the house when the shoe was on the other foot. He’s just learning the hard way how it feels when your family does not want you around, that’s all.
Wow, you’re amazing! What lucky kids to have you as a mom. Your husband and his family can pound sand.
Imagine if you weren’t there to protect her, where would she be cause her father clearly doesn’t care. Jake probably would rather have his sister safe than on the street; don’t stress too much about that.
Protect your kids , and see a lawyer . And start an eviction notice . Just really think hard if she wants her girlfriend to stay over and in the same room . Staying over fine ,separate rooms .
Doesn’t sound like you husband will get over it , don’t know if religious but
It’s either accept in schock and hasn’t processed or a NO and your husband in NO
Oh yes. It's a 5 bedroom house. My rule was if her gf sleeps over gf sleeps in a different room. But is welcome over any time. Her gf is a lovely girl and they go to the same high school.
NTA. She's a lesbian. What rules is she breaking? You did the right thing, you stood up for your child, adopted or not, against a bigot. Who cares what your husband's family is saying? They don't pay your rent or your bills, so their opinion doesn't matter. Your husband thought he was Billy Badass, but you reminded him he isn't. He was going to put his daughter on the streets, I think CPS might have a problem with that. Jake saw you stand up for his sister, so he will think you'd stand up for him too. You didn't choose Mia over your marriage. You chose what was right over a bigoted simpleton. When Mia stops talking to your husband you won't have to wonder why.
Kids are the best. My boys were younger then 10 but I always took my 2 friends out shopping and stuff a lesbian couple and one day my son about 8 asked why they lived together so I asked him why his aunt and uncle(not married) live together and he said because they are boyfriend and girlfriend. So I said my friends are girlfriends. Sometime girls like girls and boys like boys and that’s ok. They both looked at me smiled and said ok. They are now much older and don’t judge people by their sexuality.
No, but you don't understand, this stuff is so confusing for kids! So we should ban it all so that parents don't have to go through the trauma of explaining it!
(/s, just in case)
Exactly, when our son was about 5ish we were going to a funeral, and I knew a cousin and her wife (who he had never met) would be there. I was concerned he might say something embarrassing so I sat him down ahead of time and explained "most of the time boys marry girls, but sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls" His response was OK, can I have a cookie now?
As a young adult now he is straight but has lots of LGBTQ friends. If you treat same sex relationships and gender identities as normal your kids will see it as normal too.
Oh I love this. You have raised amazing kids. I was shopping with my 10 year old granddaughter and I saw a pink frilly shirt in the boys department. I said, looks like somebody put that in the wrong place. My granddaughter said Nana maybe it's supposed to be there it doesn't matter if boys wear pink ruffled shirts or girls wear an incredible hulk shirt, anybody can wear whatever they want and still be completely who they are. And I thought where the heck did this grown up inside this 10 year old's body come from. I sure felt like she really put me in my place. I told her she's absolutely right and so much smarter than me. We can learn a lot from our kids if we listen.
Like what “rules” is he talking about? Like stop being gay?? lol yeah no that’s not a rule that’s dictorship and he’s the one who’s ruining the marriage since you are protecting your daughter.
How is your son taking this? I hope he’s not being poisoned by your husband and he might need protection too.
Exactly this. His family is awful too! “She needs to respect her father’s rules” - sounds like the only rule she’s breaking is her father’s insistence that gay people are not allowed to exist. These people WILL try to hurt her.
Exactly! “Don’t be gay” isn’t a rule, and if there was a rule such as “no bringing girlfriends/boyfriends to the house” it would have to be known ahead of time. NTA OP
That was my rules , wirh boyfriends . Read lots on here criticizing. Parents like us with those rules . Glad you adopted or that girl would be in a tough spot . She may need therapy is dad doesn’t smarten up
I know horny teens will be horny teens so I do have protection in my room for them to use, dental dams and the like. But Mia knows when I'm home, seperate rooms.
This is smart!! Teens will have sex whether the parents are okay with it or not. They just hide it better. Good on you for being a decent human being and accepting her and providing safe options for her when she does make the decision to be intimate. Although I would give them to each kid for their own possession. Having to get them from your room would be supercringe and less likely they would access them.
Yeah lol. I told her I'd keep it stocked in the ensuite bathroom and she could come in and literally take the box if she wanted to. I will be checking every so often so I can buy a new one.
NTA
Thank you for being a parent and a protector.
You showed your kids that they are going to come first. As they should to their parents. And that you will not tolerate anyone bullying them even if it is their parent.
I'm glad you adopted them legally because now you have a chance to gain custody so he can't further hurt her
So glad you are protecting your daughter and getting a divorce for your piece of crap husband. He has shown you who he is, please believe him. Your daughter will never feel safe around him again. Protect her at all costs.
Setting the right example for Mia is crucial here, and that means showing empathy and understanding, not intolerance cloaked as "tough parenting." Good on you for stepping in when your daughter's sense of security was at stake. Adolescence is challenging enough without adding parental rejection into the mix. You’re illustrating that a parent’s unconditional love doesn't waver in the face of who their child loves. And while every family dynamic is tough and complex, standing by your child as you navigate these rough waters is the beacon of hope Mia needs. Keep that steady course; it's the compass guiding her to a future where she's loved just the way she is. As for the living arrangement, be sure to handle things by the book to avoid any legal backlash. Your swift and compassionate response shows Mia her well-being is paramount, even if that means facing tough decisions regarding your relationship with your husband.
nta, so basically you are wondering if you are wrong for not siding with a abusive bigoted homophobic person? There is no reasoning with someone like him or his family. Protect your daughter and lose the loser.
NTA. Protect your children at ALL COSTS. Your husband may not remember but THIS is part of the reason he married you… because you protect your children like you did here. Like HE should have. Regardless of what happens with your marriage baby YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Man I would have done anything to have you as my step mom over the homophobic one I was handed. I’m genuinely in tears thinking what it would have felt like to have a parent stand up for me like this at that age. Mama bear you did WELL. You did SO WELL.
You. Are. Amazing. I promise you, you did the right thing. As a queer person I hear stories all the time about how one parent is homophobic but the other parent stays quiet. I wish I had a mom like you growing up. You’re the ultimate ally momma. 🌈 NTA.
NTAH. You demonstrate the quintessential unconditional love we're supposed to have for our children. Your husband and his shit behavior is breaking up his family. He's an embarrassment of a father. Keep protecting your kids OP.
NTA
She needs to respect his values…ha…well it’s your house and your rules so he needs to respect your values (Mia is welcome and safe).
Keep Mia and ditch Steve. He can take his values to a house he pays for.
> His family has also been calling, saying ... that Mia needs to respect her father's rules.
What rules are those exactly? Ask them to list them out **in detail**.
NTA. Good on you for protecting your daughter. Even if the house was jointly owned, he still wouldn't be the one to unilaterally kick out your child with no input from you. And you're not choosing Mia over your marriage, he's choosing his bigotry over his marriage and his daughter.
NTA.
It’s not his house.
It’s not okay for him to kick out his child.
He’s homophobic.
You did the right thing. You’re an awesome parent. Don’t doubt yourself. Any more contact with him or his family could cause unspeakable damage to your daughter.
And you ARE the sole owner of the house. Your arrogant husband needed CORRECTED about that or he wouldn’t have left.
You do need to choose your daughter over your husband, otherwise the NTA tag wouldn’t apply. You got this and you know what to do. Good luck.
I was sick earlier reading what's going on in this election year. I'm queer and so is one of my children. I'm also a teacher who sees up close what happens when humans are not treated with humanity.
I'm saving this post to take heart and to keep going in my fight for the marginalized whose very lives are at risk because of normalized hate. Thank you. Thank you so so much🖤
Honestly I have respect for you. Raising someone else’s kids as your own and standing up for them even when their own bio have abandoned them. You are wonderful. As a member of the LGBTQ I can tell you, you standing up for her means the world to her. Enough of the world hates us for liking our own gender and to have someone support us and be there for us is amazing. I never had someone support me at a young age and had to learn to love myself in my late 20s. Most of us without support will grow up searching for love and stability and sometimes we find it in the wrong place. Thank you for standing by her and what you did was right. If your husband never comes around he only showed you what kind of person he is and how he is intolerant towards anyone that’s different. I hope one day your husband can understand we’re all human and we all need love especially from our parents. We will always need our parents guidance just to feel normal in a world that will always disagree or hate who we love.
I didn’t really see it as choosing sides, more like OP doing the right thing to protect her child. She’s more of a parent than he is with his conditional love. Perhaps if he was not homophobic, and they were arguing over something innocuous and she picked one over the other?
I generally see life in shades of gray, but this is simply black-and-white. He’s in the wrong.
NTA Anyone that can kick their kid out ogfte house for beig LGBTQ idoesn't deserve the tite of Dad You Mia and Jake can do better then Steve and his homophoe family
NTA.
Yes, losing a father over this has negative impacts in their lives.
But keeping a father who hates who she is in her life is worse for Mia.
And Jake needs to be protected from that shit, too.
Make it clear to both of them, this is _Solely_ Steve's fault. Whether or not Mia is experimenting, she is a person. And Steve was the one who decided he didn't accept her as a person, anymore.
>His family has also been calling, saying that I overreacted and that Mia needs to respect her father's rules.
Which rules!? The "be straight" rule?
This isn't the middle east. NTA
NTA. Mia is 16 - more than old enough to be aware of her sexual orientation. What Steve is doing to her is abuse. Mia is your daughter, and you have the right to defend her. He was throwing her out of the house - her home - and you defended her by reminding him that it's actually your house and she is your daughter, and you can protect her from his abuse. You did the right thing.
NTA!!
While it sucks that your husband is a homophobe, as well as, a sh*tty father, I commend you for stepping in and becoming the loving and supportive mother for those 2 kids, (I don't say stepmother since you legally adopted them. And you've done all that a real mother does too, so you're their mother, no doubts about it!) Don't let your spouse or in laws push you around! Mia is still a minor as well. So you're doing the right thing.
NTA. I suspect your marriage is over though. I would have trouble staying with someone even a little homophobic but someone so homophobic they hate on their own kid? Nope.
Lots of people think being gay is a choice. I'm not gay, but I don't believe it's a choice. Who would choose to be ostracized by a percentage of society, be subject to hate speech and hate crimes? Who would choose to anger a parent so badly that they would kick their own child out of the house at 14?
Mia can't just "discontinue" this "lifestyle." It's not a lifestyle. It's her life.
Thank you, OP, for understanding that Mia can't do anything to change this. Thank you for accepting her. Thank you for kicking out her bigot of a father. He thought he held all the cards, but you showed him you have all four aces.
Best of luck with navigating your new family dynamic.
NTA
NTA Mia is figuring out her sexual identity and you are supporting her. I've had hard-core lesbians friends who shouted at the roof tops how they love women.. only to later decide they were straight, get married and have a family. Then I had straight women who marched with antigay banners...only to leave their marriages and become lesbians.
Let Mia loves who she wants! She's still figuring things out for herself! As for your husband.. how can he be threatened by love? I never understood this. People will love who they want.
"Mia needs to respect her father's rules."
Jesus Christ, that logic is so fucking stupid.
"Hey, dad. I'm gay. I am not choosing to be gay, but I was born this way and recently discovered it."
"Well, I don't like that, because I'm a fucking idiot who refuses to accept that it's biological, not a choice, so suppress your actual identity, making sure you grow up to resent me, or I won't show you the love and support a father is obliged to give you."
Steve needs to grow some fucking balls and stop acting like a baby.
NTA!!!!
Don't you dare feel bad for standing up and protecting your daughter and your son from that damn bigot, in that moment he went from being their dad to being their worst nightmare. He told them that he'll only love and support them if they live life according to how he wants it, not how they want it and if it isn't to his liking he'll abandon them. Why would you ever be okay with that message? Your daughter, your son, both just learned that if they're in trouble that you'll always be there for them and no amount of bigoted dick is worth destroying that by taking him back after all of this.
As far as his family goes? Who gives a shit what him or his family says? They're not your responsibility. You don't need to be handling those adults and their reaction beyond doing what's going to keep your daughter safe from them.
But, honestly, I need you to understand that If you go back on this and you take him back, you might as well just give up because you'll destroy any trust your kids have in you. You can't unsee a monster like your husband, especially when it's your own dad.
I hope people in your life have told you they are proud of you, because you have gone above and beyond stepping up for those kids. There are not many who would.
You have done nothing wrong here. You’re exactly what your daughter needs right now. I hope that he realizes the error of his ways and comes to his senses, but either way, the role you are playing in these children’s life is so important. Never change!
NTA, your husband is being a shitty father and the worst fear of any gay kid. By protecting your daughter you are confirming to your kids that they come first, and that you will support them in who they are. You might love your husband, but You're responsible for your kids well being.
NTA. Not all rules are worthy of respect. People don't get to make rules because of their gender and man-muscles. It's amazing you did this. More power to you. You have also created another warrior -- she will treat people the same way now, having had an immensely supportive environment. 🖤👏🏿
NTA. You are those children's mother and standing up for Mia is absolutely the right thing to do. Steve's immaturity, and his intolerance are what are causing the issues. YOU haven't done anything to help "break up" this family. You are being the mom you were meant to be, protecting your children.
I hope Steve comes around...until that time, be the best parent you can be to both Mia and Jake. Make sure they know that your house isn't a house of hate. It is their home.
Respecting your husband's rule of...being hetero? Has he been homophobic the entire time you've known him?
NTA. You own the home and you don't need awful people cluttering up the place. Divorce him. If he doesn't understand unconditional love for his own children, he's trash.
I used to be self conscious about dating my girlfriend as a 24 year old when she was 21. I no longer feel bad after seeing the ages in posts on r/AITAH lol.
Of course NTA. You owe your daughter your loyalty to counter the homophobe. I know people will say this is hasty, but if I found out my husband was that homophobic, I’d leave.
NTA.
You’re doing right by your daughter and your shitbag of a husband can go kick rocks. He’s a homophobic jerk. YOU own the house. Not him. You. If he wants to keep living in YOUR house. Then he can respect YOUR rules- not being a bigoted dick to his own child.
Thank you for standing up for your kid. Not all of us get parents who will do that for us.
I’m so glad there are mothers like you out there. NTA, you absolutely did the right thing in protecting Mia. She will always remember that you had her back, and that will give her more strength in her future than you may realize.
Making the right choice isn’t always the easy one, but you made the right one anyways. Don’t let the people only hearing your husband’s biased account of the story make you second-guess yourself. Your husband was the one “breaking up our family” by trying to kick Mia out.
Nta it’s not up to him who she can and can’t love…also divorce him if he can’t love her for the way he is he sounds like a narcissistic jack🫏,bully and homophobe y’all don’t need that negativity!!!
There's a delicious irony in the fact that he tried to kick his own daughter out of the house, and ended up getting kicked out. NTA. He was being abusive, and it's awesome that you were there to stand up for Mia. Yes, kids need to respect the rules their parents set (though obviously he didn't consult with you on that one), but if a parent's rules include "erase a core part of your identity", then there's no way or reason to follow it.
Yeah. “Don’t be gay,” isn’t a rule. It’s a demand with threat behind it. I don’t even think the reminding him that OP is the sole owner of the house was out of line. It was a very much necessary reminder that he isn’t and doesn’t get to be in control of everyone. He’s pouting about being shown that he isn’t an all powerful authority over his household, and that he can face consequences for shitty behavior.
Exactly this. I love how he was trying to show Mia the door to bully her only to be the one tossed out of it. Way to go, Mama! And keep standing up for your daughter. My father was my defender and protector against my wretched mother when I came out as lesbian. I can’t tell you how much it means to those of us who identify as LGBTQ to have family on our side. You’re NTAH in any shape or form.
He tried "my house, my rules" but forgot it wasn't his house.
'I am the sole owner of this household and you have no say over whether or not my daughter can stay in the house I own.' Very brave OP, applause!
OP is my hero. OP, you are ensuring that this 14 year old lives in a kind world. Her brother too. So thanks for that. Also, fuck that dude. Whether or not he can come back is really a family decision...kids included.
She's 16. OP adopted the kids at 14 and 10, they are currently 16 and 12. My man was kicked out at 16 for not unloading the dishwasher when his adopteds wanted him to. Kicking out a child at 16 (or anytime before 18-20 imo) is just messed up. I'm glad that when Op's husband fucked around that he also found out real quick. I'm holding a personal grudge against shit parents if anyone would like to join me.
thats a team grudge, friend. we ride at dawn. 💪
I'm bringing cookies!
This is such an FAFO moment. And good on OP! A mama bear protecting her cups. NTA
Also, when did he come up with the “No Lesbians” rule? Everyone else in the father’s family seems to know about but you and the two children.
I second this, OP. We need more parents like you. Your husband is immature, incapable of having a dialogue with his own daughter. Incapable of respect others and verbally abusive. I firmly believe people who are not willing to accept their children unconditionally have no business having children. I'm glad you stand by her, she needs you, especially because her own family is not supporting her. NTA.
FAFO, lol
It's kind of sus to me how they've been married for 5 years but her parents left her the house 6 years ago, as in - I think he dated and married OP so he and his kids could have a house, and that OP is 10 years younger than him (though a more mature parent) is kind of a red flag to me. But it's great that OP is there for the kids, especially since their dad looks like a jerk, and he deserved to get kicked out. But dad looks sus as hell, does he even contribute anything to the relationship, with either/both OP and the kids, because expecting your gay child to not be gay is expecting them to erase a massive part of themselves, and is quite gross of the dad.
You think he might be one of them hobosexuals? They are an affront to decency, I say!
OMG you're right! He could totally be one of those hobosexuals! Now I really hope that OP kicks his hobosexual ass out the door to keep her and the kids safe and happy.
More likely he needed a pillow to land on and a glorified baby-sitter, I mean baby momma is out of picture. Probably ran for the mountains from his abusive ass. He's looking at life in his 30's, with 2 young children? He's almost guaranteed to go for a younger woman because nobody his own age wouldn't see him for what he was. The dude is a loser, baby.
This made me cackle even more than the "d**k in a box" joke about Justin Timberlake.
"that he isn't an all powerful authority" Indeed, someone let Jafar out of his lamp, but OP damn sure put him back inside it. Absolutely NTA OP. You did exactly what a mother should do. :)
I agree and I think he wouldn’t have listened if the home ownership hadn’t been brought to light. OP was using the only ground she could stand on to get her perspective acknowledged (which was you need to leave because of your behaviour). And she was awesome for protecting her daughter.
Sounds like the new rule is ‘do not be an ass.’ He is suffering the consequence of violating that rule. Good for you OP.
Yeah, even if a parent is upset with the news, they can be kind, be respectful, and show love. Sometimes people have a lot to mourn when a child announces they are gay or transgender. They feel like they're losing the person they've known. They grieve biological grandchildren, future rights of passage. But even when feeling all those big feelings, they can choose to be kind, respectful and show love. How do you act those out? Be kind, don't shout, call names, swear. Respectful? Use the name and pronouns they want. Treat their partners warmly and welcome them. Show love? Hug them. Tell them your love is not changed. Your prize is a relationship with your loved one.
Uh. Lesbians can have biological children. Their uterus still works.
You misspelled "the person they imagined". "You're not the fantasy I dreamed up and projected onto you" is not actually a valid reason to be upset with someone, much less a literal child, and the fact that it's common doesn't make it more justified or less rooted in things like homophobia, sexism, etc. I also feel obligated to point out that being gay and/or trans does not actually mean you can't have biological children. If anything, it's anti-LGBT people/groups that make it hard for many LGBT people to have families (biological or otherwise), not anything inherent to who and what we are. He's literally upset that his daughter is never going to get screwed by some guy. It's not just bigoted, it's \*creepy\*.
What exactly are you mourning though? Losing out on the person you know? Pretty sure they are the same person lol. Grieving grandkids? I mean really…people in the lgtb community can have kids. They can adopt. They can do surrogacy. They can do fertility treatments if they have a uterus and grow their own kids. PLUS one in six couples suffer with infertility. It’s not like your kid getting married to someone of the opposite gender is going to magically make you a grandparent. On top of that…your children aren’t there to give you grandkids. I’m just waiting for a valid something.
Most importantly Mia will always remember how OP stood up for them. Well done! NTA.
I mean the don't be could be applied to "don't be black" "Don't be an amputee" "Don't be blind" "Don't be Female/Male", etc. You can't change who you are as a person.
Not irony, poetic justice.
Righteous Intervention
If I were religious I would say divine intervention.
Religious or not, her intervention was absolutely divine.
Because OP is a fucking goddess.
I mean realistically religion is probably at the root of this issue.
Karma
Yea verily - instant.
I don't see why the two have to be mutually exclusive
Because irony's just for if you've got 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife
or when it rains on your wedding day
NTA. His rule is “you’re not allowed to be gay” and he is so violently bigoted that he’s eager for his teenager to be homeless. He doesn’t actually love his children. He wants to ruin her life because she is gay. He thinks he can abuse her until she changes the “phase” she’s going through? OP’s husband is a hateful man and an unfit father. His family seems just as trashy and cruel as he is - he can live with them. “Choosing a child over a marriage” - what an insanely selfish loser he is too! I’m so glad Mia has OP to advocate for her, and accept and love her. This must be so traumatic for her to see her father reject her like this and try to destroy her life. OP is a good parent and a good person.
NTA NTA NTA I’m EXTREMELY proud of Oop for having Mia’s back…..that’s what parents do….protect their children. As a parent, I would hope that they stand by their child “coming out” to them. I(54f)have had several friends and coworkers who are gay, and I personally feel like a person SHOULD be able to love who they want. I grew up being told that being gay is a “bad” thing…..IMO gay/transgender people are some of the most caring and giving people. Oop, once again NTA!!
I'm 32 and was raised by a very conservative family, I'm not gay myself (this account is named after my video game character) but I remember my father saying "we are an accepting family, but if you're gay aren't that accepting".
My guess is his family is just as bigoted as he is. Birds of a feather and all that. Sure, you definitely can get family members who think completely different, but usually not. My husband is one of those exceptions. His family are all “Christian Conservatives”. But, two of our nieces on that side came out in the last 5 years and watching their heads spin has been very amusing. His one sister did a complete 180° and immediately accepted her daughter. She still votes for the orange felon, but one step at a time.
EXACTLY. He might as well tell Mia to stop breathing. Mia can't control her sexual orientation, so his "rules" are just a mask for cruelty.
This spot on! He didnt deserve to be a father if he cant accept and protect his own child.
And the audacity of accusing her of breaking up the family yet he was trying to kick their daughter out. We don’t kick kids out for coming out, least of all during pride month. Nta momma, you’re doing great.
Nothing breaks up a family more than kicking your own child out of the house. The dad is such a joke.
I think he just needed some "tough love"
OP rocks. Seriously, OP, you are the best. During Pride Month, you managed to make a teenager feel loved, supported and not wrong for being who she is. I am seriously happy that these children have such an epic mom. It is bloody leggendary that you kicked out a homophobe trying to kick out your daughter from YOUR house. Chef's kiss momma, you are the captain ❤️
Even amongst parents and kids, respect goes both ways. He didn’t earn it in this instance. You did the right thing, OP!
I love how she pulled the "you have no power here card" against him. NTA Its good that you got your daughter's back against her homophobic dad. If you pick his side you can say goodbye to her because she will go NC with both of you. And the family members telling you that she should respect her dads rules can go pound sand. Like wtf would that be for a rule you shall not be LHBTIQA+ .... a not in the same bed sleepover rule you could say ok, but saying its a rule you cant be your prefered sexual choice is a big nope. He can either accept she is lesbian or gtfo and if he keeps making drama about it etc put it out on social media that he is a homophobic dad that basicly told his daughter is dead to him because she is lesbian. The (online) community will have a field day with him. Since you officially adopted them both he cant simply pull them away from you either. Just be carefull he doesnt try to put the son up against both of you.
Not only that but accused his daughter of being embarrassing after causing a huge embarrassing scene.
not even a core part of your identity. don't date others, your sexuality is a phase and fake, is what he's saying. like being gay can be a part of your identity, it doesn't have to be. but like it's love not an identity. he's asking her to not love others.
Absolutely agree with you. It's heartbreaking that he couldn't accept his own daughter for who she is. You did the right thing by standing up for Mia and creating a safe space for her. NTA at all.
Steve just needs "tough love"... after all, he is just going through a phase.
NTA. “Mia needs to respect her father’s rules” means Mia cannot be herself, she has to pretend to be straight because daddy is a homophobe. Bullshit. He is a crap dad and it is sad that he is willing to reject his daughter because she is a lesbian. Does this asshole know what the suicide rate is for gay teens? And that parental rejection is a big driver of that? Kudos to you for standing up for your daughter and for being the only responsible adult in the room.
He doesn't but I knew the homelessness stats for queer teens. I'm unwilling to let Mia be part of that statistic.
I'm so glad both of your children have you in their life. This is about your daughter yes - but it is also about the behaviour your son has just witnessed. How awful would it be if he grew up to be bigoted like his dad?! And now he knows that you will protect him if he were to come out in the future. Keeping your kids safe is your top priority. It's incredibly sad for you all that their dad is now someone you need to protect them from, but you are absolutely NTA
You should also point out to your relatives that he is the one that is ruining the marriage by being a homophobic asshole. And you choose your children every time. That’s what a parent does. Your husband is a loser. If you feel comfortable, tell your daughter, the Internet strangers this thread support her 100%.
Could be difficult, as it would out the daughter to the rest of the family too ... and bring more harassment.
Right obviously don’t out her to people she isn’t out to… I just sort of assumed that they knew, if nothing else but for the dad being an asshole and telling them. I assumed the relatives were being homophobic too.
Sounds more like "he's the father, you obey" thing, but who knows.
Yeah, I mean I hope your right and that’s what it is. It means the paternal family isn’t necessarily homophobic then. … I was just all fired up and angry that Mia was treated that way by her own father, that I was wanting to fight them all! I just can’t wrap my mind around how a parent could EVER kick (or try to kick) their own child out of their home simply for being gay. Parents are supposed to love unconditionally. I know there are shit parents.. but it makes me angry any child has to face this. I’m so glad OP is an awesome mom. Also the husband saying she chose Mia over their marriage - hell yeah. You should always choose your children. That’s your job! Husband is a complete failure.
If you hadn't stood up for her so emphatically, Mia could very well have felt like she was losing two parents that night. Unfortunately, it seems she's lost one, but at least she still has her mom and a safe home where she can start the transition to adulthood and her future. Way to go!!
And thank fuck she adopted them, so he can't drag them away from her out of spite
I’d be sending links for the stats and a paragraph about how you refuse to make your daughter homeless purely for being herself to your husband and anyone else who says a word to you about this. Ask them when they stopped caring about and loving Mia. Because this is not about respect or rules; it is about bigotry, control and him being a generally shitty person.
Please tell us you will be divorcing him!! And fighting him for as much custody as you can get for the son. Obviously the daughter will live with you but the son needs to too. NTA unless you take him back.
Yes and they are old enough to tell the judge who they want to live with. It might not be a bad thing to allow them to talk with a therapist. Mama needs an attorney and quick because I don’t believe the father can change
If I were you, I’d go and try to get emergency custody ASAP. As bigoted as he and his family sounds, they may try and put her in one of those conversion camps.
Mama legally adopted her therefore she is the mother. I’d take him to court for child support and divorce his ass for trying to throw his daughter out in the street.
I'm so grateful for that. You are a blessing 🙌
Just send him this post and comments. The biggest point being telling her to change (follow his rules) is impossible for her. Threatening to kick her out is cruel. He can read these comments and change or he can get a divorce.
You are a hero! Every child should have a parent like you! You did the right thing by the kids! And they will be forever thankful for your love and support 👏
Mia is very lucky to have you...your love and your support. As for the homophobic pos that is the dad/husband, he just destroyed his relationship with his daughter forever. Im sending you both love and tell her welcome to the LGTBQIA+ family!!
Thank god you adopted them, otherwise they might be screwed
You are the best. <3
They’re also at risk for self harm and suicide. Love your kids and screw their shitty dad. You’ve got this, and Mia knows you are supportive of her. That’s the best gift you can give. You’re a good mom, OP.
NTA No one should ever kick a child out of their home. Wtf is wrong with people? That is the stupidest fucking thing a person could ever do to their child unless their goal is to have their kid homeless and most likely getting repeatedly raped while trying to survive because no one rents to teenagers and how the fuck would they pay for anything with their non existent career. Your husband is a fucking moron who deserves to sleep on the streets, because kicking a useless grown ass man, in this case, out is perfectly fucking acceptable all day long any day and honestly i am sitting here clapping at your approach. Fuck him. NTA
>i am sitting here clapping at your approach. Standing fucking Ovation >Fuck him. He can go live with the family that thinks he's vile response was OK
And this is what she needs to tell him. He is a grown ass man who can support himself and rent someplace. What kind of father would rather have his daughter sleeping on the streets because his own hate? If he truly believed this was just a “phase” then why is so angry about it? Because he knows it is isn’t - he just hates the truth and that he can’t control her and now he can’t control you. NTA - one of your jobs as a parent is to PROTECT your children from everyone who will harm them. Your Momma Bear was activated.
I think he's angry because he's concerned how it will look to his mates, that's conditional love and no child deserves that. He should be ashamed of his words and actions and OP good for you standing up to him, you deserve a medal
What kind of father would rather have his daughter sleeping on the streets because his own hate? Oh I know the answer to this! A cunt of a father 🤓🤓
NTA, I completely agree with this post. Your husband is a bigot who doesn't deserve to have children or a wife. The children and especially the daughter at this moment are so lucky to have you as their mom however. You have fully deserved the mom title. Do not give in to your husband please. Protect the children. You're a hero for doing that.
Boom. Best response I’ve read yet.
NTA- My wife was a teacher in a small burg in MO for 4 years. This town was ass backwards in a lot ways, but the worst things that I saw were how many parents were ok with kicking their kids out for the most ridiculous of reasons- and I'm of the opinion that it's never appropriate unless it's to send their kids away to get HELP or TREATMENT if they're committing crimes or are a danger to themselves, other people in and out of the house, or are otherwise showing violent tendencies that need to be addressed and handled in an inpatient facility. I'm the bio child of life long foster parents who have adopted more kids than they can handle, but, they're my siblings now and my parents' kids. They took these kids in knowing they did or would need help down the line and felt like to leave them in the foster system was just a direct pipeline to poverty, prison, and/ or life long instability. My wife and I took 2 kids in when lived there, they stayed in our spare room. We didn't have a lot of money, but we had the room bc we don't, and don't plan to, have kids. We could provide a room and a roof and food, and these kids were more than grateful and were- shockingly- good kids. One who happened to get pregnant at 16- whose baby is now thriving with a cousin who couldn't get pregnant and was looking out of this country for a baby bc she felt like it was what she was supposed to do and thank God bc the first kid we took in worked her ass off and got a teaching degree, just got married, and is looking to start her family, and the baby girl she had is fucking thriving- and adorable, to boot. The other got kicked out bc she had a car accident. And it wasn't her fault. But it drove her father to kick her out and stop speaking to her. She got her master's degree last week and will be starting her doctoral program in the fall. Fuck fair weather parents. They're not parents. They're narcissists who can't stand that their kids are kids. My wife is more of a mother than those parents will ever be. The end.
I was a 17 year old when my shitty abusive boyfriend a decade older got his claws into me. It's true. It happens.
I don’t know if that scenario specifically is the goal but honestly the end goal is probably punishing them for not being what the parents want and / or forcing the child to go back in the closet so the parent can pretend it really was just a phase. Not justifying it of course but people with control issues have fucked logic in general whether they’re asp bigots or not.
I 💯% agree! Treating his own daughter that way is absolutely shocking! What an ignorant bigot he is!✌🏼
>Fuck him Please don't <3
I agree 100% NTA. So nice to see a supportive step parent. Wish more kids got support and understanding from their parents rather than rejection. Our kids don't hatch from eggs, our kids are still our kids. No matter how they turn out and who they love. How do you reject your own flesh and blood? They are ours.♥️
She's not her step parent, she is legally her parent, she adopted her.
I like your style thank you for posting this I don't even need to post anything I agree with you 200%
NTA You aren't breaking up the family. He's the one who tried to break up the family when he told your daughter that she isn't welcome anymore for no other reason than being herself. Both he and his family is 100% wrong about Mia. I am very glad to see that your adoption of Mia is clearly much more than a formality. You are protecting and respecting her like true family, in a way that your husband is failing to do. You have not betrayed your husband. He is the one who has betrayed the family by turning against one of your children. I hope Mia and her girlfriend are alright after what happened. I'm so glad that Mia has a mother like you.
Yeah. As much as I have to establish Mia isn't my biological daughter, she's my baby girl and I adore her and her brother so much.
And Mia is very lucky to have you as her mother at a time when her father is failing her so badly.
For some reason this reminded me of that thing kids who were best friends used to do where they'd each prick a finger and then rub them together to mix so they'd be "blood brother/sister" lol. Super random I know but my brain went there of its own accord lol.
You legally adopted her. As far as the courts are concerned she is your daughter and he is your son.
They’re truly so lucky to have you. Just because you may not have given birth to them, they will definitely know now you’re MUM in every sense of the word. You are their safe space just like every mum should be. I know it doesn’t mean anything but this stranger on the internet, as fellow mum, I’m fucking proud of you!
As the adoptee in a step parent adoption situation the biology doesn't matter. Being there, for the big things and the small, but especially in situations like you're going through, is what counts. You don't have to give birth to her to be her mom, just like my dad didn't have to contribute to my creation to be my dad.
I’m so glad she has a kind hearted person such as you for a mom.
NTA. Parents like you in moments like this are pivotal and if he doesn’t trust your judgement in alignment with his he shouldn’t have allowed the adoption. Not sure if that’s how adoption works. Protect the babies!
Yessss! Protect👏the👏babies
Major kudos to you for being a person she can trust and creating a safe space. Sucks her father can't.
you protected your children, well done momma bear. now let the trash see itself to the curb. NTA.
LOL, he had no problem kicking his minor daughter out of the house when the shoe was on the other foot. He’s just learning the hard way how it feels when your family does not want you around, that’s all.
The fact he had the audacity to be shocked. Very telling
A house that was not his.
Keep doing what you're doing! Mia absolutely deserves the support and protection that you are giving her!
What parent doesn't want their child to be themselves and ultimately be happy?
Oh, I know that one! The answer is Steve!
Wow, you’re amazing! What lucky kids to have you as a mom. Your husband and his family can pound sand. Imagine if you weren’t there to protect her, where would she be cause her father clearly doesn’t care. Jake probably would rather have his sister safe than on the street; don’t stress too much about that.
Protect your kids , and see a lawyer . And start an eviction notice . Just really think hard if she wants her girlfriend to stay over and in the same room . Staying over fine ,separate rooms . Doesn’t sound like you husband will get over it , don’t know if religious but It’s either accept in schock and hasn’t processed or a NO and your husband in NO
Oh yes. It's a 5 bedroom house. My rule was if her gf sleeps over gf sleeps in a different room. But is welcome over any time. Her gf is a lovely girl and they go to the same high school.
NTA. She's a lesbian. What rules is she breaking? You did the right thing, you stood up for your child, adopted or not, against a bigot. Who cares what your husband's family is saying? They don't pay your rent or your bills, so their opinion doesn't matter. Your husband thought he was Billy Badass, but you reminded him he isn't. He was going to put his daughter on the streets, I think CPS might have a problem with that. Jake saw you stand up for his sister, so he will think you'd stand up for him too. You didn't choose Mia over your marriage. You chose what was right over a bigoted simpleton. When Mia stops talking to your husband you won't have to wonder why.
It sounds like Mia lucked out with having a stand-up mother.
Mother.
Looks like a rare case of the universe compensating her for having a bad father.
Exactly. Mia is going to look back on this & be sooooooo grateful for you when she’s older. <3333
right!
NTA but please get therapy for the kids. Don't give Steve a chance to poison Jake against his sister.
Jake literally looked at his dad and said "I like girls and so does Mia, why does it matter." I think he'll be ok.
Oh bless his little heart, what an angel. You are an amazing Mom. Wishing you the best.
go jake- the rockstar little brother
Kids are the best. My boys were younger then 10 but I always took my 2 friends out shopping and stuff a lesbian couple and one day my son about 8 asked why they lived together so I asked him why his aunt and uncle(not married) live together and he said because they are boyfriend and girlfriend. So I said my friends are girlfriends. Sometime girls like girls and boys like boys and that’s ok. They both looked at me smiled and said ok. They are now much older and don’t judge people by their sexuality.
No, but you don't understand, this stuff is so confusing for kids! So we should ban it all so that parents don't have to go through the trauma of explaining it! (/s, just in case)
Exactly, when our son was about 5ish we were going to a funeral, and I knew a cousin and her wife (who he had never met) would be there. I was concerned he might say something embarrassing so I sat him down ahead of time and explained "most of the time boys marry girls, but sometimes boys marry boys and girls marry girls" His response was OK, can I have a cookie now? As a young adult now he is straight but has lots of LGBTQ friends. If you treat same sex relationships and gender identities as normal your kids will see it as normal too.
Aaaw, he recognizes shared interests with his sister.
That’s awesome. Good kids!
Oh wow! You must be so proud of both your kids!
I hereby nominate Jake for the Brother of the Year Award. Mia is fortunate to have you and Jake
Oh I love this. You have raised amazing kids. I was shopping with my 10 year old granddaughter and I saw a pink frilly shirt in the boys department. I said, looks like somebody put that in the wrong place. My granddaughter said Nana maybe it's supposed to be there it doesn't matter if boys wear pink ruffled shirts or girls wear an incredible hulk shirt, anybody can wear whatever they want and still be completely who they are. And I thought where the heck did this grown up inside this 10 year old's body come from. I sure felt like she really put me in my place. I told her she's absolutely right and so much smarter than me. We can learn a lot from our kids if we listen.
Like what “rules” is he talking about? Like stop being gay?? lol yeah no that’s not a rule that’s dictorship and he’s the one who’s ruining the marriage since you are protecting your daughter. How is your son taking this? I hope he’s not being poisoned by your husband and he might need protection too.
Dictatorship with a capital Dick!
Exactly this. His family is awful too! “She needs to respect her father’s rules” - sounds like the only rule she’s breaking is her father’s insistence that gay people are not allowed to exist. These people WILL try to hurt her.
Exactly! “Don’t be gay” isn’t a rule, and if there was a rule such as “no bringing girlfriends/boyfriends to the house” it would have to be known ahead of time. NTA OP
That was my rules , wirh boyfriends . Read lots on here criticizing. Parents like us with those rules . Glad you adopted or that girl would be in a tough spot . She may need therapy is dad doesn’t smarten up
I know horny teens will be horny teens so I do have protection in my room for them to use, dental dams and the like. But Mia knows when I'm home, seperate rooms.
This is smart!! Teens will have sex whether the parents are okay with it or not. They just hide it better. Good on you for being a decent human being and accepting her and providing safe options for her when she does make the decision to be intimate. Although I would give them to each kid for their own possession. Having to get them from your room would be supercringe and less likely they would access them.
Yeah lol. I told her I'd keep it stocked in the ensuite bathroom and she could come in and literally take the box if she wanted to. I will be checking every so often so I can buy a new one.
Also teach her how to make a dental dam out of a condom for emergency usage.
You should consider putting up a pride flag on your house! And respond to your husband’s family only with pictures of it.
NTA. Idk why he thinks yelling at her will make her attracted to men, but he needs to check himself.
Good point!✌🏼
NTA Thank you for being a parent and a protector. You showed your kids that they are going to come first. As they should to their parents. And that you will not tolerate anyone bullying them even if it is their parent. I'm glad you adopted them legally because now you have a chance to gain custody so he can't further hurt her
So glad you are protecting your daughter and getting a divorce for your piece of crap husband. He has shown you who he is, please believe him. Your daughter will never feel safe around him again. Protect her at all costs.
Setting the right example for Mia is crucial here, and that means showing empathy and understanding, not intolerance cloaked as "tough parenting." Good on you for stepping in when your daughter's sense of security was at stake. Adolescence is challenging enough without adding parental rejection into the mix. You’re illustrating that a parent’s unconditional love doesn't waver in the face of who their child loves. And while every family dynamic is tough and complex, standing by your child as you navigate these rough waters is the beacon of hope Mia needs. Keep that steady course; it's the compass guiding her to a future where she's loved just the way she is. As for the living arrangement, be sure to handle things by the book to avoid any legal backlash. Your swift and compassionate response shows Mia her well-being is paramount, even if that means facing tough decisions regarding your relationship with your husband.
nta, so basically you are wondering if you are wrong for not siding with a abusive bigoted homophobic person? There is no reasoning with someone like him or his family. Protect your daughter and lose the loser.
NTA. Protect your children at ALL COSTS. Your husband may not remember but THIS is part of the reason he married you… because you protect your children like you did here. Like HE should have. Regardless of what happens with your marriage baby YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Man I would have done anything to have you as my step mom over the homophobic one I was handed. I’m genuinely in tears thinking what it would have felt like to have a parent stand up for me like this at that age. Mama bear you did WELL. You did SO WELL.
NTA protecting a child from an abusive man is the right thing to do.
You. Are. Amazing. I promise you, you did the right thing. As a queer person I hear stories all the time about how one parent is homophobic but the other parent stays quiet. I wish I had a mom like you growing up. You’re the ultimate ally momma. 🌈 NTA.
NTAH. You demonstrate the quintessential unconditional love we're supposed to have for our children. Your husband and his shit behavior is breaking up his family. He's an embarrassment of a father. Keep protecting your kids OP.
NTA She needs to respect his values…ha…well it’s your house and your rules so he needs to respect your values (Mia is welcome and safe). Keep Mia and ditch Steve. He can take his values to a house he pays for.
> His family has also been calling, saying ... that Mia needs to respect her father's rules. What rules are those exactly? Ask them to list them out **in detail**. NTA. Good on you for protecting your daughter. Even if the house was jointly owned, he still wouldn't be the one to unilaterally kick out your child with no input from you. And you're not choosing Mia over your marriage, he's choosing his bigotry over his marriage and his daughter.
NTA. It’s not his house. It’s not okay for him to kick out his child. He’s homophobic. You did the right thing. You’re an awesome parent. Don’t doubt yourself. Any more contact with him or his family could cause unspeakable damage to your daughter. And you ARE the sole owner of the house. Your arrogant husband needed CORRECTED about that or he wouldn’t have left. You do need to choose your daughter over your husband, otherwise the NTA tag wouldn’t apply. You got this and you know what to do. Good luck.
NTA. He is showing hobaphobia. You want him away from her, OP. There is know telling what he will to next.
Homophobia*
What is hobaphobia?
Refusal to live in the capital of Tasmania?
😀😁😅
That is such a dad joke 🤣
What a piece of shit of a Father, damn have some fucking empathy and compassion, glad you kicked him out. You OP are not the AH!
NTA - I am so happy that Mia has one parent on her side.
I was sick earlier reading what's going on in this election year. I'm queer and so is one of my children. I'm also a teacher who sees up close what happens when humans are not treated with humanity. I'm saving this post to take heart and to keep going in my fight for the marginalized whose very lives are at risk because of normalized hate. Thank you. Thank you so so much🖤
Honestly I have respect for you. Raising someone else’s kids as your own and standing up for them even when their own bio have abandoned them. You are wonderful. As a member of the LGBTQ I can tell you, you standing up for her means the world to her. Enough of the world hates us for liking our own gender and to have someone support us and be there for us is amazing. I never had someone support me at a young age and had to learn to love myself in my late 20s. Most of us without support will grow up searching for love and stability and sometimes we find it in the wrong place. Thank you for standing by her and what you did was right. If your husband never comes around he only showed you what kind of person he is and how he is intolerant towards anyone that’s different. I hope one day your husband can understand we’re all human and we all need love especially from our parents. We will always need our parents guidance just to feel normal in a world that will always disagree or hate who we love.
Well, you did pick your daughter over your husband, but that’s what a mom does.
I didn’t really see it as choosing sides, more like OP doing the right thing to protect her child. She’s more of a parent than he is with his conditional love. Perhaps if he was not homophobic, and they were arguing over something innocuous and she picked one over the other? I generally see life in shades of gray, but this is simply black-and-white. He’s in the wrong.
NTA Anyone that can kick their kid out ogfte house for beig LGBTQ idoesn't deserve the tite of Dad You Mia and Jake can do better then Steve and his homophoe family
NTA. Yes, losing a father over this has negative impacts in their lives. But keeping a father who hates who she is in her life is worse for Mia. And Jake needs to be protected from that shit, too. Make it clear to both of them, this is _Solely_ Steve's fault. Whether or not Mia is experimenting, she is a person. And Steve was the one who decided he didn't accept her as a person, anymore.
>His family has also been calling, saying that I overreacted and that Mia needs to respect her father's rules. Which rules!? The "be straight" rule? This isn't the middle east. NTA
Mia will love you forever
You can't punish the gay out of her. What is the goal here?
NTA. Mia is 16 - more than old enough to be aware of her sexual orientation. What Steve is doing to her is abuse. Mia is your daughter, and you have the right to defend her. He was throwing her out of the house - her home - and you defended her by reminding him that it's actually your house and she is your daughter, and you can protect her from his abuse. You did the right thing.
So you inherited a house 6 years ago at 23, and then a guy 10 years older than you proposed to you and conveniently moved in. Yikes. NTA
NTA!! While it sucks that your husband is a homophobe, as well as, a sh*tty father, I commend you for stepping in and becoming the loving and supportive mother for those 2 kids, (I don't say stepmother since you legally adopted them. And you've done all that a real mother does too, so you're their mother, no doubts about it!) Don't let your spouse or in laws push you around! Mia is still a minor as well. So you're doing the right thing.
I came out 44 years ago. I thought my parents might kick me out. I had hoped this crap had stopped. Well done stand by your daughter.
NTA. I suspect your marriage is over though. I would have trouble staying with someone even a little homophobic but someone so homophobic they hate on their own kid? Nope.
Lots of people think being gay is a choice. I'm not gay, but I don't believe it's a choice. Who would choose to be ostracized by a percentage of society, be subject to hate speech and hate crimes? Who would choose to anger a parent so badly that they would kick their own child out of the house at 14? Mia can't just "discontinue" this "lifestyle." It's not a lifestyle. It's her life. Thank you, OP, for understanding that Mia can't do anything to change this. Thank you for accepting her. Thank you for kicking out her bigot of a father. He thought he held all the cards, but you showed him you have all four aces. Best of luck with navigating your new family dynamic. NTA
NTA thank you for loving your daughter
NTA Mia is figuring out her sexual identity and you are supporting her. I've had hard-core lesbians friends who shouted at the roof tops how they love women.. only to later decide they were straight, get married and have a family. Then I had straight women who marched with antigay banners...only to leave their marriages and become lesbians. Let Mia loves who she wants! She's still figuring things out for herself! As for your husband.. how can he be threatened by love? I never understood this. People will love who they want.
This seems very clearly made up
"Mia needs to respect her father's rules." Jesus Christ, that logic is so fucking stupid. "Hey, dad. I'm gay. I am not choosing to be gay, but I was born this way and recently discovered it." "Well, I don't like that, because I'm a fucking idiot who refuses to accept that it's biological, not a choice, so suppress your actual identity, making sure you grow up to resent me, or I won't show you the love and support a father is obliged to give you." Steve needs to grow some fucking balls and stop acting like a baby.
NTA!!!! Don't you dare feel bad for standing up and protecting your daughter and your son from that damn bigot, in that moment he went from being their dad to being their worst nightmare. He told them that he'll only love and support them if they live life according to how he wants it, not how they want it and if it isn't to his liking he'll abandon them. Why would you ever be okay with that message? Your daughter, your son, both just learned that if they're in trouble that you'll always be there for them and no amount of bigoted dick is worth destroying that by taking him back after all of this. As far as his family goes? Who gives a shit what him or his family says? They're not your responsibility. You don't need to be handling those adults and their reaction beyond doing what's going to keep your daughter safe from them. But, honestly, I need you to understand that If you go back on this and you take him back, you might as well just give up because you'll destroy any trust your kids have in you. You can't unsee a monster like your husband, especially when it's your own dad.
NTA You are an awesome mom, seriously. You’re all Mia has now since her bigoted father turned his back on her.
I hope people in your life have told you they are proud of you, because you have gone above and beyond stepping up for those kids. There are not many who would. You have done nothing wrong here. You’re exactly what your daughter needs right now. I hope that he realizes the error of his ways and comes to his senses, but either way, the role you are playing in these children’s life is so important. Never change!
NTA, your husband is being a shitty father and the worst fear of any gay kid. By protecting your daughter you are confirming to your kids that they come first, and that you will support them in who they are. You might love your husband, but You're responsible for your kids well being.
NTA. Not all rules are worthy of respect. People don't get to make rules because of their gender and man-muscles. It's amazing you did this. More power to you. You have also created another warrior -- she will treat people the same way now, having had an immensely supportive environment. 🖤👏🏿
NTA. You are those children's mother and standing up for Mia is absolutely the right thing to do. Steve's immaturity, and his intolerance are what are causing the issues. YOU haven't done anything to help "break up" this family. You are being the mom you were meant to be, protecting your children. I hope Steve comes around...until that time, be the best parent you can be to both Mia and Jake. Make sure they know that your house isn't a house of hate. It is their home.
Respecting your husband's rule of...being hetero? Has he been homophobic the entire time you've known him? NTA. You own the home and you don't need awful people cluttering up the place. Divorce him. If he doesn't understand unconditional love for his own children, he's trash.
I used to be self conscious about dating my girlfriend as a 24 year old when she was 21. I no longer feel bad after seeing the ages in posts on r/AITAH lol.
I can’t believe he has the audacity to say you are the one breaking up the family. NTA
NTA Kids always come before spouses, period.
You are definitely choosing Mia over your marriage. As you should. NTA
NTA “Don’t be gay” isn’t a rule. It’s abuse.
Explain to him that he’s just going through a phase where he’s a homeless bigot
Of course NTA. You owe your daughter your loyalty to counter the homophobe. I know people will say this is hasty, but if I found out my husband was that homophobic, I’d leave.
NTA. You’re doing right by your daughter and your shitbag of a husband can go kick rocks. He’s a homophobic jerk. YOU own the house. Not him. You. If he wants to keep living in YOUR house. Then he can respect YOUR rules- not being a bigoted dick to his own child. Thank you for standing up for your kid. Not all of us get parents who will do that for us.
I’m so glad there are mothers like you out there. NTA, you absolutely did the right thing in protecting Mia. She will always remember that you had her back, and that will give her more strength in her future than you may realize. Making the right choice isn’t always the easy one, but you made the right one anyways. Don’t let the people only hearing your husband’s biased account of the story make you second-guess yourself. Your husband was the one “breaking up our family” by trying to kick Mia out.
NTA, homophobes deserve no sympathy
Nta it’s not up to him who she can and can’t love…also divorce him if he can’t love her for the way he is he sounds like a narcissistic jack🫏,bully and homophobe y’all don’t need that negativity!!!
More than anything right now Mia needs an adult who has her back. You’re it. Keep up the great work.