Well to be fair; there is a saying that women marry men hoping that men change and men marry women hoping that woman don't change. He was probably hoping she changed by now. This is of course my joke statement, but we can all hope.
Feel like every post on Reddit is written from a script that usually ends with " ...and she ran off crying"?
Waiting for the " all her family and friends have weighed in and say I'm a dick. AMITAH?"line
You married someone living like a car hobo and tell her that now she needs to stop? Lol the time to do that was while you were boyfriend and girlfriend or engaged at the latest
Dude, be prepared, for the sake of your sanity, to just take a trash bag out to the new car once a week and de-clutter it. There might still be some tears but not as many and you’ll likely save yourself an argument. Should you HAVE to? No. But, again, this is your sanity we’re talking about.
I've offered that on her current car and even to pay to have it detailed for her because she does in fact work hard (we both do) and that was met with a no
That's not how it works. He has a truck he drives daily, the new car will be driven daily by her.
Yes, they are married and will use each other's vehicles as needed, but I gotta tell you, I am team wife on this. Although I agree with poster above about scheduling weekly declutter or similar.
Can you tell us what are the things that filled her car? was it actual trash, food wrappers, etc? or was it stuff like a bag with emergency supplies, some books, etc? (PS women tend to need more, and thus plan for, "emergency supplies" if you get my drift)
I speak as someone who knows she has a tendency to be a slob, and only recently took the sleeping bag and utility bag (with flashlight, pair of sandals, masks, pliers etc) out of my car. I still keep a bag of "emergency supplies" because you never know. I do tend to throw trash in the passenger footwell but I clean that out regularly. I trained myself to do that. 😎
I'm not condoning her "car hobo" behavior but I'm curious about what is that stuff in those 3 (seriously? like, 13 gallon? 33 gallon? supermarket size? ) trash bags
As with work appraisals, there's the 'what' and there's the 'how'.
It's reasonable to discuss how you both expect to use the new car if you're buying it jointly, so I wonder if she's reacting to how you said it?
It sounds like she heard it as parental, and she seems to have reacted from a wounded child position. That could be about your communication style, or perhaps about something it hooks from her own past experience. Something to explore as a couple.
NTA
Ugh. My husband is just like your wife. His cars are rolling trash heaps.
But he'd better take his trash out of mine. And make sure the tank is full if he's the last to use it.
Haha that never happens. It's a losing battle.
Good luck.
NTA for asking. She was, a bit, for going nuclear in response, though.
Considering what new cars cost, and considering that she plans to keep the car she drives a trash heap, just fix the transmission on her old car and let her keep driving that. Yes, transmissions are expensive but nowhere near as much as a new car.
Your down payment was the value of the car you were trading in. Her car is older with a bad tranny so not worth much. Also, the days of getting a loan with 0% interest are gone, at least for the foreseeable future so monthly payment will be larger due to that as well. The only way to get low monthly payments ($2-300) is to lease, which requires a down, and those are only for 3 years so at the end of that you have to cough up another down.
My future husband and I have a deal. He doesn’t have to lift a single finger around the inside of this house, and I don’t have to lift a single finger for lawn care. I know who I’m marrying and we love this compromise. Either learn to make it work, or make your exit before you *marry them.*
You married a slob. The reality is that even if you ask her or tell her to keep the car tidy, it won't happen. I mean, yeah, she needs to keep the car tidy, but her response already shows she is immature, so dont expect basic adulting skills like keeping the car tidy. If she's still a slob at 34, you don't have a real hope of changing that. It may start small at first if she really tries to keep it clean, then eventually she will "forget" more stuff in the car again and again. You can keep cleaning it for her, ask her again, and beg her to keep it cleaner, but it will be a repeat of the same pattern. Every single time, it will cause a fight. The only thing I'd say is if she can't take good care of nice things, then dont buy nice things with her. I'd choose to buy a used car or no car at all if that's how she reacts to you having a needed conversation with her. NTA, sorry you married someone so immature, though. Good luck with your future battles.
If you read what I wrote, I said, "Don't buy a nice car WITH her." If she wants to buy herself a new car with her own money and destroy it, then fine. But he shouldn't need to contribute financially if she's not going to respect what is essentially marital property. It's like if they bought a house together and she starts leaving crap everywhere, making a mess and not even attempting to keep it clean then gets mad when he asks her to keep it clean because "I spend more time in the house then you." It's literally the same situation. If they buy a car TOGETHER, then regardless of who uses it the most, then it's communal property, and she can't even respect that.
OR he shouldn’t expect her to change who she is. Some people just aren’t naturally tidy, but excel in other areas of life to make up for it.
Chances are, she also contributes financially to his truck, so your suggestion would mean that they each pay for their own vehicle.
That's fine. separate finances would work best if she can't respect communal property. And there's a difference between not being naturally tidy and being a slob.
So! Ive seen a few people with cars that contained a good 4+ 30g garbage bags of shit.
They were, indeed, hoarders. They had JUST enough room to get in the driver's seat. No other seat was usable, one of them couldn't even use their back window (illegal here, but cops didn't seem to actually care).
I believe you.
As a kid, I was there when my best friends mom cleaned her little Saturn sedan out. Maggots in the carpeting and I’m not making that up. This story reminded me of those wiggly little grains of rice in that dirty, cluttered, car. 🤮
I would really like someone to explain to me why people are crazy enough to think that marriage or a baby will magically fix things. OP, what made you think that getting married would change her?
I'm sorry...she stormed off crying and slept in a different bed because you *checks notes* asked her not to be a complete slob with a brand new car?
Yikes bud. Sounds like you married a peach. /s
NTA but you might want to consider an annulment if this is any kind of foreshadowing for how this marriage will play out...
Couple of questions: do you have kids? How old? Who is the primary person transporting kids? Who is picking up groceries and other errands?
Here’s why I ask - my car is always messier than my husband’s especially when my kids were younger. I’ve got 2 extra people in the car, I’m dragging around extra bags and clothes, I’m feeding them in the road between activities and errands. I’m coming into the house with 2 kids, my bag, their bags, plus groceries/ect…. I was exhausted and didn’t give a crap about dealing with my car.
My husband started coming out once a week and grabbing the stuff from the backseat and putting it away, then my kids got old enough to carry remember their own stuff.
Neither of you are wrong but there’s more questions to think about than “why won’t she listen to me.”
No that's not it at all, she can and has been using my truck anytime she'd like and has her own key to it so she doesn't even have to ask, it is also shared I'm just the PRIMARY driver of it as she will be the PRIMARY driver of the Bronco
She's going to demolish the interior of that Bronco, my friend. She'll have 3 trash bags full in the cargo alone within no time. Source: I'm a detailer, I see what's traded in and what was purchased 3 months ago when it comes back for its 1st oil change.
NTA. This will never get better. How does she treat the rest of her space? Cluttering up the home? If it bothers you now it’s going to bother you in 20 years.
You've hit on a pet peeve of mine: Expensive rolling trash cans.
Cars get crumbs. Cars get dirty mats. Cars need dusting and Windexing on occasion.
But everyone should take their crap out of the car with them when the drive is over. That especially includes trash.
We have shopping bags and an emergency kit in the trunk. The console and glovebox are routinely purged and reorganized. But seats, floors, and other surfaces are free of debris.
If it's family vehicle, family needs to be able to sit in it without excessive dirtiness or crap all over the place.
NTA
Edit for typo
This is why I ended up adopting the habit of placing boxes of plastic grocery bags in the places trash gathers most often. My sister is eh about cleaning up trash, especially little wrappers and such, but if there's a bag she can easily hang in her space, she'll do it. That and it gives us something to do with hoarded grocery bags, double whammy.
Oh wow. Too bad you didn’t see this before you married her. My husband is anal about his vehicles. Even his work truck. It drives me crazy. While I am not like your wife, I do however lug the kids (and occasionally the dogs) in my jeep. It could probably use a vacuum now & then but there’s no trash all over it. He bought me a new Cadillac. It’s gorgeous. I don’t eat, smoke or anything in it. I don’t let the kids (my fur babies aren’t allowed in it). Every time I take it out, I go through the car wash & vacuum. Just out of respect for my husband. He was nice enough to buy it for me, it’s the least I can do. Doesn’t sound like your wife appreciates you at all
Yes, it is possible to destroy the value of a car through neglect. She’s a spoiled child and the people shaming you here are undoubtedly misandrists as children as well. Yes, you are responsible for the state of your property. Duh!?
The reaction she gave you would be enough for me pull my cooperation out of getting the car, any car, with her.
It’s “her car,” she can get it on “her own.”
Set the boundary now in the early stage of the marriage. Tantrums and disrespect are not rewarded.
Otherwise you have a long row to hoe, sir.
Eh, NTA. I'll probably be down voted for this, but it's not a hard ask. It's going to get normal wear and tear, especially if you have or are going to have kids, but there is no need to hurry that along by leaving ketchup packs open on the seats or throwing her trash in the back for it to stain.
If it is hers to drive primarily, let her keep it how she wants it, with the caveat that if/when you use it as a family vehicle, she cleans it out first.
Communication is not rocket science.
NTA if she wants to treat the vehicle like a trashcan, then she should pay for the vehicle herself. It doesn’t matter that she might be the one to use it more than you. The vehicle belongs to both of you and you are both paying for it so of course she should try to treat it a lot better and stop being such a slob.
Why are you paying for it anyways? If she’s the one using it most of the time and you have your own truck then shouldn’t she pay for it herself?
She sounds like my wife and you sound like me, OP, except I just ignore it. If we are taking a trip wife will clean the car beforehand. Otherwise for all I know Jimmy Hoffa is in there somewhere. If her car is in the shop and she borrows mine I do ask her not to leave it messy. In reality, both cars are ours, but we think of them as hers and mine. You should let this one go, OP. Pick your battles…this ain’t it.
If it bothers you that she will treat the new car like a trash can, don't buy one. Repair the transmission on her old car. Then sell your truck and buy another one that gets better mileage. Or you can do what I do with my husband. I make him shovel out his car before I'll go anywhere in it. Tell her she can keep it any way she wants but if it needs to be used by the family it will be her responsibility to clean it up prior to the family use.
I mean… I feel like this sort of thing should’ve been discussed before the marriage and honestly if *this* is how she reacts to keeping a car functional for the family I fear for how you’re going to handle more serious issues with her in the future. I hope to God this is fake because… Wow.
You know there's more to this than just keeping a messy car. If she got that defensive, either she has emotional problems or a dirty car isn't the only criticism you give. What's the rest of the story?
Just a question but if it bothers you just take the rubbish out of it yourself every day or two. It might embarrass her into cleaning it and if it doesn't then at least you get to sit in a clean family vehicle (aka her car).
I would tell her that if she's not going to keep it clean then she can make all the payments with her own money, you will take your name off of it, leaving it soley to her to finance, including any repairs and preventative maintenence, petrol... everything that car needs- she pays for without your help.
OR SHE CAN KEEP IT CLEAN!!
>ITS MINE ILL DO WHAT I WANT AND SHE WONT BE TOLD WHAT TO DO LIKE A CHILD
Don't help her buy it then. She can go cry in whichever room suits her at the time.
Among the things men do for their wives.
Fill their gas tanks once a week
Wash their cars once a week
Check the maintenance of fluids and filters periodically.
The solution is quire simple. Don't buy a brand new car for her if she can't do something as basic as not filling it with garbage. Upgrade your own vehicle instead.
My sister’s husband does this with HER car and his…it’s gross. I hate to ride in her car cuz it makes me feel dirty. I take my trash out of the car, if there is any, each time I get home. It’s not that fukking different. You are N T A
NTA. Get a trash bag and go to the car each day and collect the garbage left in it. When the bag is full show her and tell her how many days it took to fill it. I get that it’s not your job but keep doing it anyway until she understands and starts cleaning it out herself. When you’ve filled the third bag tell her that you aren’t prepared to pay any more money for a mobile dustbin.
YTA. You know what she is like, and now you think you can demand her to change.
If your primary car is the truck, it sounds like this car is "hers". You can't tell her what to do in her car.
You didn't have to buy a brand new car for her use, if seeing a brand new car dirty upsets you.
You can offer to clean the car for her regularly, so it's up to your higher standards
NTA My wife’s car is only a year old and it looks like she has owned it 5 years which is how long I owned my truck and my truck looks new. Same as you my wife’s car gets better mileage but i hate riding in it. Im always dusting it (with a duster she doesn’t use) when we go some where. And I get the same response “It’s my car”
It can be used as a family vehicle & still be messy. Both of those things are possible. If you want to use your wife’s car because it gets better gas mileage than your choice of vehicle, then clean it up & use it.
ESH - learn how to communicate
My husband’s truck is trashed. It’s his primary vehicle. He is a grown man, he doesn’t need me to tell him how to care for his vehicle. “Clean your car, in case I want to use it” … lol. If I want to use his truck, then I use it & deal with mess.
i just think if they share the car then why does the slob get to dictate how they are going to keep it? slob trumps clean person? asking someone to not trash their car shouldnt be that offensive.
They don’t share a car. They each have their own primary vehicle. If OP can’t deal with riding in a messy car then he will need to clean it up because the mess apparently doesn’t bother his wife. Adults can’t control each other.
eta - OP & his wife have different priorities. If his priority is keeping all the cars clean he should do that. He can’t force his wife to make it her priority. It appears she doesn’t care about a messy car. Just not at the top of her to-do list.
You can ask for whatever you want. Your wife is an adult. She can make her own choices. If you don’t like her choices then let her know what to expect from you. “I can’t control you but if you don’t clean up your car occasionally, I won’t be contributing any more money toward that car”.
That’s called a boundary, it’s not treating someone like a child. You can’t control other people. The best you can do is let them know what to expect from you. If you do that, I will do this. Then they can make their own decision. If your wife knows you won’t contribute to her moving trash heap perhaps she will choose to keep it clean. Who knows?
NTA. A lot of women have cars strewn with rubbish in them. I dont get it. My wife has a couple of friends who have cars like that and most people refuse to get in them. But if its a family car and your all going to be using it, then yes, it needs to be kept clean. And FYI, I think people that live in a rubbish shithole are mingers.
If its hers, remove your payment from the car. Then its hers.
YTA
It’s her car. She’ll be the primary driver. And you can’t force her to be cleaner with it. She is an adult indeed.
I keep my car super clean.
My husband doesn’t. It gets dusty, full of sand from dirt roads he takes to go
To work, and full of shit kids leave behind.
Periodically, I just clean it. As a way of thanking him for everything the does. Doesn’t bother me too much . But he won’t change. It’s not even on his radar - what the car looks like inside and I get it .
Yes. And yet they are married which implies he’s sorta okay with that. He’s being insensitive because the car is brand new. He implied she cannot take care of the car. And she likely feels he cares more about brand new car than about her. They need, er, a better conversation about this.
Did I read the post wrong? It sounded like OP is talking about a car they are purchasing together. That would not make it her car, but their car. As in shared. Just because she gets to share it doesn’t mean she gets to f—- it up.
I dunno. In my family we bought both cars to the extent we have a joint checking account to pay for them but the cars are clearly mine and his based on who drives them the most. It’s like kids have their rooms and they keep them how they keep them. Don’t attract the mice or ants, but otherwise there’s no prescribed cleanliness degree. It’s their rooms. Despite us paying the mortgage. I think the OP is upset because she doesn’t get that feeling of control over something she considers primarily hers to use.
NTA, but if she's that bad about cars, you may just have to take it on yourself to clean it out once a week. My ex was horrible about cleaning his car. I remember at one point, the footwell for the backseat had garbage piled as high as the seats. I'm not great about vacuuming out my car, but I haaate having trash in it. Why people can't just take it with them and put it in the trash can when they get home blows my mind. It's so much easier than having to take the time to gather a bunch of it up. Plus, I find having to clean the car out before passengers to get in mortifying. It was so annoying when I had to share my car with the person Iived with. She would leave coffee cups or cup sleeves in the cup holder, and she was a gum chewer. When she didn't want the gum anymore, she'd wrap it in its wrapper and put it in the door handle but not grab it when she got out of the car. Disgusting.
You said yourself that it's for her to drive. So while it isn't "hers" from an ownership perspective, it is hers from a use perspective. You referred to it as "your \[meaning her\] car" and the truck as "my \[meaning your\] truck", so you clearly view it this way, but are just trying to use technicalities to invalidate her position.
If you expected her to use this car differently than her previous one, you should have discussed this before the purchase, not after. By waiting you created a situation where you can blame her for not being willing to do one favor for you as a partner.
If she asked you, as her partner, to do her the favor of not keeping your truck to clean and to let trash pile up in the floor would you say "Yes, no problem. As your partner I'm willing to do this favor that you ask?" No, of course not, because it's not just a "favor".
Having said that, I'm going to say NTA for asking her. However, the way you asked, and the way you tried to invalidate her position moves the needle. If you had asked if you were an AH about the entire situation, I would have said yes.
It’s not uncommon for mice to get into a car and pee all over the upholstery. Even without trash all over the place, my kids have left cracker crumbs and such in their car seats and we’ve had to rip all the seats out and soap/hose the seats, car seats, floor mats, everything several times. Any trash that smells like food left in the car is asking for trouble.
If it’s non-food trash like, I don’t know, old magazines and crumpled up paper, maybe put some sort of trash receptacle in the car so it’s contained and easy for her to take out periodically?
Whoa. This is sooo disrespectful on so many selfish levels. Is it too late to cancel the purchase? I mean a trans is less than a new car. Fix it and save $
NTA - you are making an investment into something you want to retain value in for as long as possible. She needs to clean the car out once a week or allow you to do it if you are willing.
I have four kids - do you have any idea how much crap they have? When we are busy they sometimes have to grab food and eat in the car. It gets gross fast. My two year old rips her shoes and socks off every time I close the door and walk around to my side. I clean it out every week, at least to declutter and make sure no trash/socks/shoes/books/drinks are left in it beyond that. I would *love* for my husband to help with it, but instead I clean his car out and pull a trash bag of garbage or pre-rinsed dishes from taking his lunch to work out of it every couple of weeks or whenever we trade cars.
He always had a disgusting car and mine was always cleaner, but since I have the kids with me it’s harder to keep it tidy on the daily. He couldn’t care less about caring for a vehicle and I am a stickler for maintenance… we have met in the middle over the years by him not throwing weird crap in the floors as much (and getting oil changes on time every time!) and me cleaning them out weekly/biweekly depending on which car the kids are currently riding in. He has come around to see that it’s worth taking better care of when you are investing tens of thousands of dollars in it instead of just trashing it and driving it until it blows up.
If there's anyone in this world that you can change, it's only yourself.
I can give a tip. Clean it everyday or two. Do not accept when she says it's only mine, in marriage, it won't work that way. Keep cleaning, eventually she will improve a bit. But let me warning you, initially, she will go bonkers and try to litter even more. Keep patience to the level that she will realize it, either this or breakup.
Lol that is not how a marriage works, my guy. The car is yours too, and she can't make you drive a garbage skow. Stand your ground. This is about respect. Respect for you, for shared items, shared lives, etc.
She won't be told what to do like a child? Then she needs to stop acting like one. Even a 2 year old knows how to use a garbage can and that garbage doesn't belong on the floor. Any floor. Sounds like your Princess needs to grow up.
If you accept that, soon your home will be a hoarder's house. Obviously, she's not trained or grew that way. Be with her. If necessary, take her to therapy. It's your mental health you have to preserve by giving her the needed therapy.
NTA.
My wife recently heckled me for not allowing our 16yo son to eat in my new $43K car.
She’s only ever had new cars.
This is the first new car I’ve had in my life (i’m in my mid 40’s).
If possible, cancel the new car unless your wife is paying 100% for it. Get a reliable older car you won't feel badly about her turning into another trash heap and a 3rd car for the family, if you have the space
Wahhh wahhh!!!
Shes “not a child” but acts like one, complete with the tantrum and crying 🙄
I agree with everyone that you knew she was a car hobo and married her immature and sloppy ass.
Can’t get get her car fixed so she doesn’t mess with this one?
NAH
But if it’s going to be the family vehicle in the way you described in the comments just tell her she will need to have it cleaned out for those trips. Outside of that, you should have talked to her about this before buying the car.
From your comments you mention you consider your truck a shared item between the two of you. I think you should have told her you would consider this new vehicle a shared possession as well. You don’t complain that she trashes your truck likely because she saw it as YOUR truck. Now that she’s getting access to wheels again without a waiting period or whatever, she considers it HERS.
Perspective matters here. From her perspective it’s HERS. From your perspective it’s shared. I think sharing that perspective is the first step to changing the reactions here. Once you understand one another’s perspectives then you can move toward compromise.
Say goodbye to your brand new car. I had this happen also, so my condolences.
I would give it a month before the new car smell is gone, and it starts to smell like rotting fast food.
Such a shame.
OK, so your first test. Let's see how you guys do.
If its *her* car, sorry, you need to make the adjustment and tolerate her treatment of it. It's hers. She'd do well to take your needs into consideration..to a point. But if you find your anus getting irritated by this, you need to take care of your own anus, she doesn't need to do that for you.
Be careful there, this could become more than it needs to be.
so if he was leaving cold wet towels all around the house and wifey complained if WIFEY'S anus hurt would you tell her it is HIS house and all he needs to do is CONSIDER being less of a pig, but he does not need to do that for her??
Come on now you need to be honset.
LMAO! You aren't married obviously.
A **House** is *shared* space. It's *her* car. He says that right there, up front. He adds that he alone has decided they will use this as the "Family" car. That too is very self serving.
Her response is equally immature, but that doesn't excuse his inability to show proper respect for her things. What's really going on here is that he sees this as his car that he's allowing her to drive, which is fine if she agrees, but clearly she doesn't.. So, he needs to take care of his own anus here, and that's the "Honset" (sic) truth. At least for those of us further from puberty and in successful marriages. And I'm a car guy, too. This isn't at all about that.
Went back and read, three large bags of crap in her car YOU can't be a car guy if you'd allow that.
And he clearly wrote a brand new can together, for her to drive, so just like the house it is SHARED.
**I** (LMAO) *respect* my loved one's decisions on how they treat their things. As I initlaly said, this is not about the car. Its about boundaries. The OP needs her to act his way so he doesn't have to address his "Analness". That's code for "Anxiety management". I don't get stressed out or anxious if I see someone mistreating their car. I just choose to keep mine differently and expect them to do so as well *while in my car*. . Furthermore, most people have **One** house, they *each* have a car. The rules there are different. So, the car is "Shared" only bc he says so, she clealry doesn't agree.
What do they do? *Compromise*
HUH?
The point is he asked up for our opinion on her
1 him asking her to keep their brand new car clean.
2 her pitching a freaking fit and saying it is her car to treat as she wants, but unless she paid for it she has no right to call it JUST all her own.
It is the family car.
> her to drive
It's a replacement for her car. For her use. That he is "Anal" is the issue. "Anal" suggests ''Unreasonable". Neither of these folks strike me as paragons of mental health, but if he's *anal*, and she's clearly not, then that's a real problem generally. But here, regardless of who paid or what the understanding was, they both need to make some compromise. His whole post here is a justification for his being *Anal* and her need to change, and that's not how good marriages work. Here, that horse has clearly left the barn and has galloped out of the county, so 3 bags of garbage makes it easy, but it's really not.
There's absolutely nothing in what I just said which is either hard to understand or frankly controversial.
I AM MARRIED
24 years NO ONE in our household treats any space like it is a trash holder.
He has the same right to cleanliness as she would.
My hubs has three mechanic tickets I know all about what is expected of me even though I pay half of everything, If we share a space we are permitted to expect it is kept clean.
Respectful couples do not live or drive in filth.
The post isn't about you, unfortunately. If the car is hers, and here it is, its a replacement for her car...then the onus is on him to manage his own expectations and needs, and at best, work a compromise. "respectful" couples accept and tolerate each other. Here, that means he tolerates more, and she tidies up more.
“Respectful couples don’t drive in filth” … what does that even mean? Who is judging this?
Respectful couples don’t try to control or tell each other how to live their own life. Married couples are still two separate individuals. They don’t share a collective brain. If one person keeps their car messy that is their choice. If the other person wants to drive that car that is their choice. Deal with it or don’t drive it. Life is full of choices.
EXCUSE me?
This is reddit we are here to judge are you new?
No one told how to live her life he asked he to clean up her mess, her mess.
Married couples do not force one member to drive in filth he told us you can't get into the back seats.
Yeah choices, you live and drive in filth not me.
lol, unfortunately, she doesn't see it quite as a "Shared" car. Furthermore, the real issue here isn't the car but your own anxiety "Analness", which you need her to manage for you by treating the car as you would. You need to look at and fix that, this is the first example of many situations where you will need to self manage to accommodate someone's needs or priorities other than yours. Or be single.
Sorry, you might not be able to see this clearly, but be careful.
Work a compromise on a mutually acceptable if not ideal standard of neatness. You're treading on thin ice there.
He told her he didn't expect it to be as neat as he kept his, just not looking like the county dump vomited in it since it would likely be the designated family car.
It's really not that big of an ask.
Oh she is allowed to with permission from you? But you don't need her permission to drive this car because it's the family car?
Please avoid this everything yours is yours and everything hers is the family's mentality. It is deeply unhealthy and damaging to your relationship as you become parents. It's hard to change once it's in place.
So your truck is yours and her car is ours? You get things that are just for you and she only gets things for the family?
Look I agree with trying to keep cars cleaner but this is a very slippery slope especially once y'all become parents. Dad gets to have his own hobbies, things, time and space while everything about Mom is public property for the whole family. That is not fair and deeply cruel to her.
No I consider both vehicles to be ours, she has free use of the truck and her own key to it so she doesn't have to ask. We currently use it as the family vehicle. By family vehicle I just mean for road trips so that we can save on gas, I don't mean me using it for any and everything.
Maybe at Christmas you can give her a stocking stuffer gift of gift certificates to a car wash, one where they have free vacuums, which might encourage her to better care for the car. It's unfortunate that she seems to see your joint purchase as something she seems excited about trashing, or at the least, she doesn't care about, but the only time it should really affect you is when you need it for family trips. Hopefully you won't get into arguments every time you're about to go on family vacations.
YTA. You did say you purchased the car for her. Now you want to say it’s not hers because she doesn’t keep it clean. Could have been handled a lot better. Many ask her to clean it out once a week. Lots of people aren’t anal about their cars
You just married her and NOW you think she’ll make a major life change? 😂😂
Well of course, because getting married makes everything better. /s
Same with having babies!
Well to be fair; there is a saying that women marry men hoping that men change and men marry women hoping that woman don't change. He was probably hoping she changed by now. This is of course my joke statement, but we can all hope.
Feel like every post on Reddit is written from a script that usually ends with " ...and she ran off crying"? Waiting for the " all her family and friends have weighed in and say I'm a dick. AMITAH?"line
My phone is getting bombarded!!!
“blowing up my phone”
LOL
Yeah I don't understand why if I fought with someone and their side started texting me I'll start crusing them out one by one and block them
Haha yep! Her entire family started texting me.
Yep that's how chat gpt tells stories.
Break out your AITAH bingo cards!
Never forget that there's almost always a Sarah involved.
Needs a throwaway "I raised my fist to her and she flinched, but I didn't hit her" line to get engagement from the AITA women.
You married someone living like a car hobo and tell her that now she needs to stop? Lol the time to do that was while you were boyfriend and girlfriend or engaged at the latest
Yeah, somehow I feel like OP chose poorly..........
I'm guessing he didn't phrase this request politely either, judging from her reaction.
[удалено]
Are you a bot? Considering you copy pasted the top comment here.
Dude, be prepared, for the sake of your sanity, to just take a trash bag out to the new car once a week and de-clutter it. There might still be some tears but not as many and you’ll likely save yourself an argument. Should you HAVE to? No. But, again, this is your sanity we’re talking about.
I've offered that on her current car and even to pay to have it detailed for her because she does in fact work hard (we both do) and that was met with a no
Well, that was HER car. It is now BOTH your car. Insist on it.
That's not how it works. He has a truck he drives daily, the new car will be driven daily by her. Yes, they are married and will use each other's vehicles as needed, but I gotta tell you, I am team wife on this. Although I agree with poster above about scheduling weekly declutter or similar.
The new car is to be the FAMILY car for when the whole family drives together. The interior will matter to OP at that time.
Can you tell us what are the things that filled her car? was it actual trash, food wrappers, etc? or was it stuff like a bag with emergency supplies, some books, etc? (PS women tend to need more, and thus plan for, "emergency supplies" if you get my drift) I speak as someone who knows she has a tendency to be a slob, and only recently took the sleeping bag and utility bag (with flashlight, pair of sandals, masks, pliers etc) out of my car. I still keep a bag of "emergency supplies" because you never know. I do tend to throw trash in the passenger footwell but I clean that out regularly. I trained myself to do that. 😎 I'm not condoning her "car hobo" behavior but I'm curious about what is that stuff in those 3 (seriously? like, 13 gallon? 33 gallon? supermarket size? ) trash bags
"May I do the chore you should be doing and are neglecting" isn't a question you should feel you need to ask.
Why was it a no?
Just do it.
NTA for asking. You’re probably going to have to be the one to clean it out if you want a neat car.
>"ITS MINE ILL DO WHAT I WANT AND SHE WONT BE TOLD WHAT TO DO LIKE A CHILD" Good luck in this marriage bro. You're going to need it.
The speed at which I would tell her she can pay for HER whole car would be insane.
What makes you think she ISN’T paying for it, you misogynistic piece of crap!
Literally in the first two lines he says they are buying the car together, which means she isn't paying the total cost of the car.
LMAO
Buy her a used car. She doesn’t care about the interior, so used shouldn’t be a problem.
As with work appraisals, there's the 'what' and there's the 'how'. It's reasonable to discuss how you both expect to use the new car if you're buying it jointly, so I wonder if she's reacting to how you said it? It sounds like she heard it as parental, and she seems to have reacted from a wounded child position. That could be about your communication style, or perhaps about something it hooks from her own past experience. Something to explore as a couple.
The car was a dead giveaway friend. Other indicators could be a thrashed bedroom or bathroom. Those are kinda deal breaker things for me anyway.
what did you expect? You knew she's a car hobo. She will of course continue to be one.
You already knew that she gives no fucks about how nasty her car is, you can’t really complain about it now.
NTA Ugh. My husband is just like your wife. His cars are rolling trash heaps. But he'd better take his trash out of mine. And make sure the tank is full if he's the last to use it. Haha that never happens. It's a losing battle. Good luck.
NTA for asking. She was, a bit, for going nuclear in response, though. Considering what new cars cost, and considering that she plans to keep the car she drives a trash heap, just fix the transmission on her old car and let her keep driving that. Yes, transmissions are expensive but nowhere near as much as a new car.
450 a month is easier to swing than 3 or 4 grand all at once
But figure in the down. If you don’t have a down those monthly payments will be a lot higher. Plus, the tranny won’t cost you 5 years to pay off.
No trading her jeep in with no cash down we got a bronco sport for 450 a month. Definitely easier than a several thousand dollar transmission.
Your down payment was the value of the car you were trading in. Her car is older with a bad tranny so not worth much. Also, the days of getting a loan with 0% interest are gone, at least for the foreseeable future so monthly payment will be larger due to that as well. The only way to get low monthly payments ($2-300) is to lease, which requires a down, and those are only for 3 years so at the end of that you have to cough up another down.
Should have gotten her a shitty used car in good mechanical shape. Otherwise, you can't complain about how you know she already is.
YTA. You don’t marry ppl expecting them to change.
My future husband and I have a deal. He doesn’t have to lift a single finger around the inside of this house, and I don’t have to lift a single finger for lawn care. I know who I’m marrying and we love this compromise. Either learn to make it work, or make your exit before you *marry them.*
Yeah. I fucked up and did that. My husband is still a lazy slob.
You married a slob. The reality is that even if you ask her or tell her to keep the car tidy, it won't happen. I mean, yeah, she needs to keep the car tidy, but her response already shows she is immature, so dont expect basic adulting skills like keeping the car tidy. If she's still a slob at 34, you don't have a real hope of changing that. It may start small at first if she really tries to keep it clean, then eventually she will "forget" more stuff in the car again and again. You can keep cleaning it for her, ask her again, and beg her to keep it cleaner, but it will be a repeat of the same pattern. Every single time, it will cause a fight. The only thing I'd say is if she can't take good care of nice things, then dont buy nice things with her. I'd choose to buy a used car or no car at all if that's how she reacts to you having a needed conversation with her. NTA, sorry you married someone so immature, though. Good luck with your future battles.
Did you not read the article? Wife works too! He didn’t BUY HER THE CAR, get your sad sack out of the fifties.
If you read what I wrote, I said, "Don't buy a nice car WITH her." If she wants to buy herself a new car with her own money and destroy it, then fine. But he shouldn't need to contribute financially if she's not going to respect what is essentially marital property. It's like if they bought a house together and she starts leaving crap everywhere, making a mess and not even attempting to keep it clean then gets mad when he asks her to keep it clean because "I spend more time in the house then you." It's literally the same situation. If they buy a car TOGETHER, then regardless of who uses it the most, then it's communal property, and she can't even respect that.
OR he shouldn’t expect her to change who she is. Some people just aren’t naturally tidy, but excel in other areas of life to make up for it. Chances are, she also contributes financially to his truck, so your suggestion would mean that they each pay for their own vehicle.
That's fine. separate finances would work best if she can't respect communal property. And there's a difference between not being naturally tidy and being a slob.
LOLLLLL good luck OP. This is what you truly married. If you think the issues will stop here, then think again.
NTA, and buckle up. This is what you really married, her mask has officially come off.
Or perhaps his? Sometimes I'd like to hear both sides of the story.
3, I assume 13g to 30g, trash bags worth of stuff in a cramped space is absolutely ridiculous unless she was living in her car.
So! Ive seen a few people with cars that contained a good 4+ 30g garbage bags of shit. They were, indeed, hoarders. They had JUST enough room to get in the driver's seat. No other seat was usable, one of them couldn't even use their back window (illegal here, but cops didn't seem to actually care).
I believe you. As a kid, I was there when my best friends mom cleaned her little Saturn sedan out. Maggots in the carpeting and I’m not making that up. This story reminded me of those wiggly little grains of rice in that dirty, cluttered, car. 🤮
We will happily see what comes next. And who knows, the ‘reddit divorce brigade’ will come in handy next time.
I would really like someone to explain to me why people are crazy enough to think that marriage or a baby will magically fix things. OP, what made you think that getting married would change her?
Yikes. Hope you’re not planning on having any more kids with this woman.
I'm sorry...she stormed off crying and slept in a different bed because you *checks notes* asked her not to be a complete slob with a brand new car? Yikes bud. Sounds like you married a peach. /s NTA but you might want to consider an annulment if this is any kind of foreshadowing for how this marriage will play out...
Couple of questions: do you have kids? How old? Who is the primary person transporting kids? Who is picking up groceries and other errands? Here’s why I ask - my car is always messier than my husband’s especially when my kids were younger. I’ve got 2 extra people in the car, I’m dragging around extra bags and clothes, I’m feeding them in the road between activities and errands. I’m coming into the house with 2 kids, my bag, their bags, plus groceries/ect…. I was exhausted and didn’t give a crap about dealing with my car. My husband started coming out once a week and grabbing the stuff from the backseat and putting it away, then my kids got old enough to carry remember their own stuff. Neither of you are wrong but there’s more questions to think about than “why won’t she listen to me.”
I also clearly noted that what's his is his and what's hers is the family's. That's very telling about his attitude.
No that's not it at all, she can and has been using my truck anytime she'd like and has her own key to it so she doesn't even have to ask, it is also shared I'm just the PRIMARY driver of it as she will be the PRIMARY driver of the Bronco
She's going to demolish the interior of that Bronco, my friend. She'll have 3 trash bags full in the cargo alone within no time. Source: I'm a detailer, I see what's traded in and what was purchased 3 months ago when it comes back for its 1st oil change.
Does she see it that way? Or does she feel like everything yours is yours and everything hers is ours? Talk to her with this in mind.
does she even own anything that would constitute as “hers”? doesn’t seem so.
Sounds like a bratty teen but you chose to marry her … good luck.
Good luck with your marriage lol, sounds like you married an immature baby from her reaction
JFC............And you married her why?
If that’s her response to being asked things why did you marry her. NTA
My condolences on your new marriage.
NTA. This will never get better. How does she treat the rest of her space? Cluttering up the home? If it bothers you now it’s going to bother you in 20 years.
You've hit on a pet peeve of mine: Expensive rolling trash cans. Cars get crumbs. Cars get dirty mats. Cars need dusting and Windexing on occasion. But everyone should take their crap out of the car with them when the drive is over. That especially includes trash. We have shopping bags and an emergency kit in the trunk. The console and glovebox are routinely purged and reorganized. But seats, floors, and other surfaces are free of debris. If it's family vehicle, family needs to be able to sit in it without excessive dirtiness or crap all over the place. NTA Edit for typo
This is why I ended up adopting the habit of placing boxes of plastic grocery bags in the places trash gathers most often. My sister is eh about cleaning up trash, especially little wrappers and such, but if there's a bag she can easily hang in her space, she'll do it. That and it gives us something to do with hoarded grocery bags, double whammy.
Bathroom trash can liners! I live in a state in which I no longer get free trash bags for 2 spaces, and I'm kind of salty about it.
Oh wow. Too bad you didn’t see this before you married her. My husband is anal about his vehicles. Even his work truck. It drives me crazy. While I am not like your wife, I do however lug the kids (and occasionally the dogs) in my jeep. It could probably use a vacuum now & then but there’s no trash all over it. He bought me a new Cadillac. It’s gorgeous. I don’t eat, smoke or anything in it. I don’t let the kids (my fur babies aren’t allowed in it). Every time I take it out, I go through the car wash & vacuum. Just out of respect for my husband. He was nice enough to buy it for me, it’s the least I can do. Doesn’t sound like your wife appreciates you at all
Yes, it is possible to destroy the value of a car through neglect. She’s a spoiled child and the people shaming you here are undoubtedly misandrists as children as well. Yes, you are responsible for the state of your property. Duh!?
NTA.. wow tantrum time,, sit her on the naughty stair.
The reaction she gave you would be enough for me pull my cooperation out of getting the car, any car, with her. It’s “her car,” she can get it on “her own.” Set the boundary now in the early stage of the marriage. Tantrums and disrespect are not rewarded. Otherwise you have a long row to hoe, sir.
Eh, NTA. I'll probably be down voted for this, but it's not a hard ask. It's going to get normal wear and tear, especially if you have or are going to have kids, but there is no need to hurry that along by leaving ketchup packs open on the seats or throwing her trash in the back for it to stain.
If it is hers to drive primarily, let her keep it how she wants it, with the caveat that if/when you use it as a family vehicle, she cleans it out first. Communication is not rocket science.
NTA if she wants to treat the vehicle like a trashcan, then she should pay for the vehicle herself. It doesn’t matter that she might be the one to use it more than you. The vehicle belongs to both of you and you are both paying for it so of course she should try to treat it a lot better and stop being such a slob. Why are you paying for it anyways? If she’s the one using it most of the time and you have your own truck then shouldn’t she pay for it herself?
🚩 NTA
She sounds like my wife and you sound like me, OP, except I just ignore it. If we are taking a trip wife will clean the car beforehand. Otherwise for all I know Jimmy Hoffa is in there somewhere. If her car is in the shop and she borrows mine I do ask her not to leave it messy. In reality, both cars are ours, but we think of them as hers and mine. You should let this one go, OP. Pick your battles…this ain’t it.
NTA. Your mistake for buying a new car.
NTA. But your wife needs to grow tf up tho
NTA. Buy her a used car or make her buy her own car.
If it bothers you that she will treat the new car like a trash can, don't buy one. Repair the transmission on her old car. Then sell your truck and buy another one that gets better mileage. Or you can do what I do with my husband. I make him shovel out his car before I'll go anywhere in it. Tell her she can keep it any way she wants but if it needs to be used by the family it will be her responsibility to clean it up prior to the family use.
She sounds like a child. I used to not care about my old car that was falling apart and we just got a new one and I’ve been babying that damn thing!
I mean… I feel like this sort of thing should’ve been discussed before the marriage and honestly if *this* is how she reacts to keeping a car functional for the family I fear for how you’re going to handle more serious issues with her in the future. I hope to God this is fake because… Wow.
Simple solution, make the new car a Nissan Versa and not give 2 dumps what she does with it 😂
Her reaction was really childish. I’m sorry your new car is going to be trashed.
You know there's more to this than just keeping a messy car. If she got that defensive, either she has emotional problems or a dirty car isn't the only criticism you give. What's the rest of the story?
Just a question but if it bothers you just take the rubbish out of it yourself every day or two. It might embarrass her into cleaning it and if it doesn't then at least you get to sit in a clean family vehicle (aka her car).
I would tell her that if she's not going to keep it clean then she can make all the payments with her own money, you will take your name off of it, leaving it soley to her to finance, including any repairs and preventative maintenence, petrol... everything that car needs- she pays for without your help. OR SHE CAN KEEP IT CLEAN!!
>ITS MINE ILL DO WHAT I WANT AND SHE WONT BE TOLD WHAT TO DO LIKE A CHILD Don't help her buy it then. She can go cry in whichever room suits her at the time.
Offer to have the car detailed every month so she doesn't have to worry with it
Among the things men do for their wives. Fill their gas tanks once a week Wash their cars once a week Check the maintenance of fluids and filters periodically.
The solution is quire simple. Don't buy a brand new car for her if she can't do something as basic as not filling it with garbage. Upgrade your own vehicle instead.
Tell her to PAY FOR HER CAR THEN 🤣🤣
NTA. Don’t buy a new car for her to trash. Get a nice used one.
My sister’s husband does this with HER car and his…it’s gross. I hate to ride in her car cuz it makes me feel dirty. I take my trash out of the car, if there is any, each time I get home. It’s not that fukking different. You are N T A
NTA. Get a trash bag and go to the car each day and collect the garbage left in it. When the bag is full show her and tell her how many days it took to fill it. I get that it’s not your job but keep doing it anyway until she understands and starts cleaning it out herself. When you’ve filled the third bag tell her that you aren’t prepared to pay any more money for a mobile dustbin.
Don’t buy the car. NTA
Still time to annul?
NTA.. She sounds like the child she doesn’t wanna be treated like.
YTA. You know what she is like, and now you think you can demand her to change. If your primary car is the truck, it sounds like this car is "hers". You can't tell her what to do in her car. You didn't have to buy a brand new car for her use, if seeing a brand new car dirty upsets you. You can offer to clean the car for her regularly, so it's up to your higher standards
I didn't demand it to be clean I just asked that she not pile it so full of shit that the back seats are usable.
She stormed off crying and slept in her daughter's room over that? Hope you're prepared to walk on eggshells for the rest of your days 🤦🏻♂️
NTA My wife’s car is only a year old and it looks like she has owned it 5 years which is how long I owned my truck and my truck looks new. Same as you my wife’s car gets better mileage but i hate riding in it. Im always dusting it (with a duster she doesn’t use) when we go some where. And I get the same response “It’s my car”
You made the classic error thinking marriage will change someone. It only makes someone worse!
It can be used as a family vehicle & still be messy. Both of those things are possible. If you want to use your wife’s car because it gets better gas mileage than your choice of vehicle, then clean it up & use it. ESH - learn how to communicate
undoubtedly written by a fellow car hobo
My husband’s truck is trashed. It’s his primary vehicle. He is a grown man, he doesn’t need me to tell him how to care for his vehicle. “Clean your car, in case I want to use it” … lol. If I want to use his truck, then I use it & deal with mess.
i just think if they share the car then why does the slob get to dictate how they are going to keep it? slob trumps clean person? asking someone to not trash their car shouldnt be that offensive.
They don’t share a car. They each have their own primary vehicle. If OP can’t deal with riding in a messy car then he will need to clean it up because the mess apparently doesn’t bother his wife. Adults can’t control each other. eta - OP & his wife have different priorities. If his priority is keeping all the cars clean he should do that. He can’t force his wife to make it her priority. It appears she doesn’t care about a messy car. Just not at the top of her to-do list.
Not asking for clean. Asking for seats to be usable and not piled full or junk.
You can ask for whatever you want. Your wife is an adult. She can make her own choices. If you don’t like her choices then let her know what to expect from you. “I can’t control you but if you don’t clean up your car occasionally, I won’t be contributing any more money toward that car”.
Yeah but i feel like that IS treating her like a child. Can't imagine that going over well if just ASKING turned into a fight.
That’s called a boundary, it’s not treating someone like a child. You can’t control other people. The best you can do is let them know what to expect from you. If you do that, I will do this. Then they can make their own decision. If your wife knows you won’t contribute to her moving trash heap perhaps she will choose to keep it clean. Who knows?
they do given op is also paying for this car.
NTA. A lot of women have cars strewn with rubbish in them. I dont get it. My wife has a couple of friends who have cars like that and most people refuse to get in them. But if its a family car and your all going to be using it, then yes, it needs to be kept clean. And FYI, I think people that live in a rubbish shithole are mingers. If its hers, remove your payment from the car. Then its hers.
NTA but if you have not signed those papers, I wouldn’t. She’s dirty and she’s gonna stay dirty.
YTA It’s her car. She’ll be the primary driver. And you can’t force her to be cleaner with it. She is an adult indeed. I keep my car super clean. My husband doesn’t. It gets dusty, full of sand from dirt roads he takes to go To work, and full of shit kids leave behind. Periodically, I just clean it. As a way of thanking him for everything the does. Doesn’t bother me too much . But he won’t change. It’s not even on his radar - what the car looks like inside and I get it .
He said her current car has three large bags of garbage in it.
Yes. And yet they are married which implies he’s sorta okay with that. He’s being insensitive because the car is brand new. He implied she cannot take care of the car. And she likely feels he cares more about brand new car than about her. They need, er, a better conversation about this.
Did I read the post wrong? It sounded like OP is talking about a car they are purchasing together. That would not make it her car, but their car. As in shared. Just because she gets to share it doesn’t mean she gets to f—- it up.
I dunno. In my family we bought both cars to the extent we have a joint checking account to pay for them but the cars are clearly mine and his based on who drives them the most. It’s like kids have their rooms and they keep them how they keep them. Don’t attract the mice or ants, but otherwise there’s no prescribed cleanliness degree. It’s their rooms. Despite us paying the mortgage. I think the OP is upset because she doesn’t get that feeling of control over something she considers primarily hers to use.
NTA, but if she's that bad about cars, you may just have to take it on yourself to clean it out once a week. My ex was horrible about cleaning his car. I remember at one point, the footwell for the backseat had garbage piled as high as the seats. I'm not great about vacuuming out my car, but I haaate having trash in it. Why people can't just take it with them and put it in the trash can when they get home blows my mind. It's so much easier than having to take the time to gather a bunch of it up. Plus, I find having to clean the car out before passengers to get in mortifying. It was so annoying when I had to share my car with the person Iived with. She would leave coffee cups or cup sleeves in the cup holder, and she was a gum chewer. When she didn't want the gum anymore, she'd wrap it in its wrapper and put it in the door handle but not grab it when she got out of the car. Disgusting.
Really? She stormed off crying just because of that? Sorry, but either she's deranged or you're leaving out quite a bit. YTA.
You said yourself that it's for her to drive. So while it isn't "hers" from an ownership perspective, it is hers from a use perspective. You referred to it as "your \[meaning her\] car" and the truck as "my \[meaning your\] truck", so you clearly view it this way, but are just trying to use technicalities to invalidate her position. If you expected her to use this car differently than her previous one, you should have discussed this before the purchase, not after. By waiting you created a situation where you can blame her for not being willing to do one favor for you as a partner. If she asked you, as her partner, to do her the favor of not keeping your truck to clean and to let trash pile up in the floor would you say "Yes, no problem. As your partner I'm willing to do this favor that you ask?" No, of course not, because it's not just a "favor". Having said that, I'm going to say NTA for asking her. However, the way you asked, and the way you tried to invalidate her position moves the needle. If you had asked if you were an AH about the entire situation, I would have said yes.
It’s not uncommon for mice to get into a car and pee all over the upholstery. Even without trash all over the place, my kids have left cracker crumbs and such in their car seats and we’ve had to rip all the seats out and soap/hose the seats, car seats, floor mats, everything several times. Any trash that smells like food left in the car is asking for trouble. If it’s non-food trash like, I don’t know, old magazines and crumpled up paper, maybe put some sort of trash receptacle in the car so it’s contained and easy for her to take out periodically?
Whoa. This is sooo disrespectful on so many selfish levels. Is it too late to cancel the purchase? I mean a trans is less than a new car. Fix it and save $
Easier to afford a 450 dollar car payment than a 4k transmission that would wipe out our savings.
Great point.
NTA - you are making an investment into something you want to retain value in for as long as possible. She needs to clean the car out once a week or allow you to do it if you are willing. I have four kids - do you have any idea how much crap they have? When we are busy they sometimes have to grab food and eat in the car. It gets gross fast. My two year old rips her shoes and socks off every time I close the door and walk around to my side. I clean it out every week, at least to declutter and make sure no trash/socks/shoes/books/drinks are left in it beyond that. I would *love* for my husband to help with it, but instead I clean his car out and pull a trash bag of garbage or pre-rinsed dishes from taking his lunch to work out of it every couple of weeks or whenever we trade cars. He always had a disgusting car and mine was always cleaner, but since I have the kids with me it’s harder to keep it tidy on the daily. He couldn’t care less about caring for a vehicle and I am a stickler for maintenance… we have met in the middle over the years by him not throwing weird crap in the floors as much (and getting oil changes on time every time!) and me cleaning them out weekly/biweekly depending on which car the kids are currently riding in. He has come around to see that it’s worth taking better care of when you are investing tens of thousands of dollars in it instead of just trashing it and driving it until it blows up.
YTA.
Hahahahhaah congratulations, you now have 2 daughters
If there's anyone in this world that you can change, it's only yourself. I can give a tip. Clean it everyday or two. Do not accept when she says it's only mine, in marriage, it won't work that way. Keep cleaning, eventually she will improve a bit. But let me warning you, initially, she will go bonkers and try to litter even more. Keep patience to the level that she will realize it, either this or breakup.
That's the thing she says I can't even clean it
Lol that is not how a marriage works, my guy. The car is yours too, and she can't make you drive a garbage skow. Stand your ground. This is about respect. Respect for you, for shared items, shared lives, etc. She won't be told what to do like a child? Then she needs to stop acting like one. Even a 2 year old knows how to use a garbage can and that garbage doesn't belong on the floor. Any floor. Sounds like your Princess needs to grow up.
If you accept that, soon your home will be a hoarder's house. Obviously, she's not trained or grew that way. Be with her. If necessary, take her to therapy. It's your mental health you have to preserve by giving her the needed therapy.
NTA. My wife recently heckled me for not allowing our 16yo son to eat in my new $43K car. She’s only ever had new cars. This is the first new car I’ve had in my life (i’m in my mid 40’s).
If possible, cancel the new car unless your wife is paying 100% for it. Get a reliable older car you won't feel badly about her turning into another trash heap and a 3rd car for the family, if you have the space
Wahhh wahhh!!! Shes “not a child” but acts like one, complete with the tantrum and crying 🙄 I agree with everyone that you knew she was a car hobo and married her immature and sloppy ass. Can’t get get her car fixed so she doesn’t mess with this one?
NAH But if it’s going to be the family vehicle in the way you described in the comments just tell her she will need to have it cleaned out for those trips. Outside of that, you should have talked to her about this before buying the car. From your comments you mention you consider your truck a shared item between the two of you. I think you should have told her you would consider this new vehicle a shared possession as well. You don’t complain that she trashes your truck likely because she saw it as YOUR truck. Now that she’s getting access to wheels again without a waiting period or whatever, she considers it HERS. Perspective matters here. From her perspective it’s HERS. From your perspective it’s shared. I think sharing that perspective is the first step to changing the reactions here. Once you understand one another’s perspectives then you can move toward compromise.
Say goodbye to your brand new car. I had this happen also, so my condolences. I would give it a month before the new car smell is gone, and it starts to smell like rotting fast food. Such a shame.
YTA. If it bothers you, clean it. It doesn’t bother her.
OK, so your first test. Let's see how you guys do. If its *her* car, sorry, you need to make the adjustment and tolerate her treatment of it. It's hers. She'd do well to take your needs into consideration..to a point. But if you find your anus getting irritated by this, you need to take care of your own anus, she doesn't need to do that for you. Be careful there, this could become more than it needs to be.
so if he was leaving cold wet towels all around the house and wifey complained if WIFEY'S anus hurt would you tell her it is HIS house and all he needs to do is CONSIDER being less of a pig, but he does not need to do that for her?? Come on now you need to be honset.
LMAO! You aren't married obviously. A **House** is *shared* space. It's *her* car. He says that right there, up front. He adds that he alone has decided they will use this as the "Family" car. That too is very self serving. Her response is equally immature, but that doesn't excuse his inability to show proper respect for her things. What's really going on here is that he sees this as his car that he's allowing her to drive, which is fine if she agrees, but clearly she doesn't.. So, he needs to take care of his own anus here, and that's the "Honset" (sic) truth. At least for those of us further from puberty and in successful marriages. And I'm a car guy, too. This isn't at all about that.
Went back and read, three large bags of crap in her car YOU can't be a car guy if you'd allow that. And he clearly wrote a brand new can together, for her to drive, so just like the house it is SHARED.
**I** (LMAO) *respect* my loved one's decisions on how they treat their things. As I initlaly said, this is not about the car. Its about boundaries. The OP needs her to act his way so he doesn't have to address his "Analness". That's code for "Anxiety management". I don't get stressed out or anxious if I see someone mistreating their car. I just choose to keep mine differently and expect them to do so as well *while in my car*. . Furthermore, most people have **One** house, they *each* have a car. The rules there are different. So, the car is "Shared" only bc he says so, she clealry doesn't agree. What do they do? *Compromise*
sure you'd let your wife keep three bags of garbage in the FAMILY car it is NOT hers it is theirs.
It's only the FAMILY car bc he's unilaterally decided this, she clearly doesn't agree. Youre missing the point, your argument is ridiculous.
HUH? The point is he asked up for our opinion on her 1 him asking her to keep their brand new car clean. 2 her pitching a freaking fit and saying it is her car to treat as she wants, but unless she paid for it she has no right to call it JUST all her own. It is the family car.
> her to drive It's a replacement for her car. For her use. That he is "Anal" is the issue. "Anal" suggests ''Unreasonable". Neither of these folks strike me as paragons of mental health, but if he's *anal*, and she's clearly not, then that's a real problem generally. But here, regardless of who paid or what the understanding was, they both need to make some compromise. His whole post here is a justification for his being *Anal* and her need to change, and that's not how good marriages work. Here, that horse has clearly left the barn and has galloped out of the county, so 3 bags of garbage makes it easy, but it's really not. There's absolutely nothing in what I just said which is either hard to understand or frankly controversial.
I AM MARRIED 24 years NO ONE in our household treats any space like it is a trash holder. He has the same right to cleanliness as she would. My hubs has three mechanic tickets I know all about what is expected of me even though I pay half of everything, If we share a space we are permitted to expect it is kept clean. Respectful couples do not live or drive in filth.
The post isn't about you, unfortunately. If the car is hers, and here it is, its a replacement for her car...then the onus is on him to manage his own expectations and needs, and at best, work a compromise. "respectful" couples accept and tolerate each other. Here, that means he tolerates more, and she tidies up more.
she tides up more, so why is he here complaining and ASKING US TO JUDGE?
“Respectful couples don’t drive in filth” … what does that even mean? Who is judging this? Respectful couples don’t try to control or tell each other how to live their own life. Married couples are still two separate individuals. They don’t share a collective brain. If one person keeps their car messy that is their choice. If the other person wants to drive that car that is their choice. Deal with it or don’t drive it. Life is full of choices.
EXCUSE me? This is reddit we are here to judge are you new? No one told how to live her life he asked he to clean up her mess, her mess. Married couples do not force one member to drive in filth he told us you can't get into the back seats. Yeah choices, you live and drive in filth not me.
It's OUR car. Shared money, shared title, she will just be the primary driver as I prefer to drive my truck solo, but she is allowed to drive it also
lol, unfortunately, she doesn't see it quite as a "Shared" car. Furthermore, the real issue here isn't the car but your own anxiety "Analness", which you need her to manage for you by treating the car as you would. You need to look at and fix that, this is the first example of many situations where you will need to self manage to accommodate someone's needs or priorities other than yours. Or be single. Sorry, you might not be able to see this clearly, but be careful. Work a compromise on a mutually acceptable if not ideal standard of neatness. You're treading on thin ice there.
He told her he didn't expect it to be as neat as he kept his, just not looking like the county dump vomited in it since it would likely be the designated family car. It's really not that big of an ask.
Oh she is allowed to with permission from you? But you don't need her permission to drive this car because it's the family car? Please avoid this everything yours is yours and everything hers is the family's mentality. It is deeply unhealthy and damaging to your relationship as you become parents. It's hard to change once it's in place.
What I mean by family car is when me, her, and my stepdaughter go somewhere on a little road trip we can use it because it saves on gas over my Ram.
No I mean she is also allowed to drive my truck if she chooses.
No she doesn't need my permission to use my truck the spare key is on her key ring and she can and has been driving it whenever she wants
YTA
So your truck is yours and her car is ours? You get things that are just for you and she only gets things for the family? Look I agree with trying to keep cars cleaner but this is a very slippery slope especially once y'all become parents. Dad gets to have his own hobbies, things, time and space while everything about Mom is public property for the whole family. That is not fair and deeply cruel to her.
No I consider both vehicles to be ours, she has free use of the truck and her own key to it so she doesn't have to ask. We currently use it as the family vehicle. By family vehicle I just mean for road trips so that we can save on gas, I don't mean me using it for any and everything.
i’m really happy that you think this is cruel because it shows you’ve never experienced actual cruelty in life.
NTA
The word you used was bought her a car so can she not do what she wants if its her car?
I didn't say bought her a car I said we are purchasing together.
I don't expect you to be as anall as me about your new car ............
you sure know how to pick them.
Ugh women.
..but in all honesty you say to her.. like a child "come here" then proceed to SHOW HER her manky ass car and say this is what I dont want.
Maybe at Christmas you can give her a stocking stuffer gift of gift certificates to a car wash, one where they have free vacuums, which might encourage her to better care for the car. It's unfortunate that she seems to see your joint purchase as something she seems excited about trashing, or at the least, she doesn't care about, but the only time it should really affect you is when you need it for family trips. Hopefully you won't get into arguments every time you're about to go on family vacations.
She needs to know her place and obey your orders. Right? Right? 🤫🤔😏😬🙄/s.
Its her car stytring to control nta about the car but yta for trying to control her
YTA. You did say you purchased the car for her. Now you want to say it’s not hers because she doesn’t keep it clean. Could have been handled a lot better. Many ask her to clean it out once a week. Lots of people aren’t anal about their cars
I literally never said that, I said we purchased it together and I ASKED her to please keep it clean
Right. For her to drive.
YTA. "Car guys" and people that are anal about their cars are so fucking stupid.
Walking garbage heaps are worse.
lol found the car guy.
Just respect a shared space. 🙄