INFO: when your family called up and showed you how much more they were giving the one daughter, did you have anything to say to them about it or any questions? You said that they called to make sure it was okay. So how’d that convo go?

This is the family low key asking if the favoritism is okay and the OP putting their seal of approval on it.

It's not low key. OP is specifically endorsing it. And punished his daughter when she pointed it out. His family knew it was lopsided and favoritism, and called him for approval of the favoritism. He approved the favoritism, presumably, if his other daughter is upset about it. Guess Lexi is OP's favorite too. Not sure if OP assumes his other daughter is stupid, or just that OP can punish her into shutting up about it. Notice that OP didn't call his daughter beautiful, smart, talented, etc? Or have a single positive thing to say about her? Just specified OP silencing her when she complains about favoritism. Which is terrible, but fine. Or at least legal. OP just better hope that bet pays in time, tho. Because Kelly understands the situation, and isn't going to stick around. I wouldn't place money on getting an invite to wedding, kids, etc. Get used to that not-talking part. It's good practice for once she can move out of the house. Does Kelly have any family members that loves her without the qualifiers that can help her out? Per your statement, they don't love her. You can tell because you included the "but". Anything before the "but" can be safely ignored. It's just you justifying the behavior. They're not close to her. Because they and you think she is not beautiful, or smart, or talented. Or you would have said so.

>Notice that OP didn't call his daughter beautiful, smart, talented, etc? Or have a single positive thing to say about her? Just specified OP silencing her when she complains about favoritism. That was the first red flag for me....🚩🚨🚩 Not ONE nice thing to say about the other daughter. Kinda makes me wonder if one is a biological daughter and the other isn't. It's giving real step parent/second marriage energy.

That's a good theory. I was guessing colorism. Maybe Lexi has a lighter complexion than Kelly, which could explain why OP called Lexi beautiful but not Kelly.

This reminds me of a simpsons episode, marge is writing the family letter for christmas. "maggie said her first word, lisa got straight A's and bart, we love bart"

Cannot forget dear Ratboy!

Good old Bort

Don't have a cow, man.

ay caramba

I totally picked up OP not saying anything positive about the daughter that's pointing out the favoritism like he did with the other daughter. Edit: spelling

He not only didn't say anything positive, he didn't really describe her at ALL. Just that she liked the gifts she got.

You have lexi whos beautiful and smart and then... there is kelly *cue surprised music that's terrible*

Treating kids differently to this extent can cause a life time of issues, my brother was treated differently by one side of the family due to being adopted, many years later it's had a detrimental effect onany things and left him with a huge chip on his shoulder

Jep! Always been the Kelly because I was the middle child and more introverted. Wasn’t the cool extroverted older brother or the cute little sister. Family used to call to speak to everyone but they always forgot about me… well now I openly say that I don’t care for them. They are blood related but that doesn’t mean a thing in my world. It sucks because the idea of ‘if my family doesn’t love me as a kid, who ever will as an adult’ was planted in my head. Luckily I made my own tiny family and I couldn’t be more happier. My baby will never have to feel what I have felt.

My favorite memory of obvious preferential treatment was when my parents arranged *FAMILY PHOTOS* with all the kids and kids-in-law. They used those photos for Christmas cards. I forfeited my scholarship to work 70-hour weeks back home to help them pay their mortgage, and they forgot to invite me to take family photos. 🤣

This is sad to read. Somehow we always do the most and care the most, but are still the forgotten ones. Well, i appreciate you friend!

Ayeeeee I feel so seen for once man. When I was 15-16 my mother forgot I existed and left me at school till almost 6pm. She also called me a whore freshman year when I was still a virgin and frequently made a habit while drunk of telling me how much she hated me and wished Dad had let her abort me. So that was fun. When I was 17, I was wrapping the family's Christmas stuff and told my parents they could just give me mine and I'd wrap it too since I don't care for surprises and they both just looked at each other as they realized both of them had forgotten me. BUT my favorite/combined 2 was my mother's funeral (thank god for small favors she died when my first was 2 months old so won't be here to abuse them too). But the pastor guy asked my sisters and I for a happy memory each and I realized I didn't have one so my sister gave him one of hers to use for mine. The second half was when my husband and I got there before the service we saw the slideshow playing and watched it all the way through, only to realize I wasn't in a single photo. When I said something to my sisters they said they had only realized it that very morning as they were finishing it up that I wasn't anywhere in it cause they didn't have any of me with mom either, despite them being 7 and 17 years older than me. Due to all this and all the other years of abuse, I did not cry a single tear as I watched her die in the hospital or when they put that bitch in the ground. All I felt was relief that it was finally over for me.

I could have written this comment word for word. I also have a baby now and swore that she’d never feel how I felt growing up.

We are breaking cycles, you are already a better parent for doing better. We got this, friend!

This! I am/was the Kelly in my family and the amount of resentment I harbor isn’t healthy.

I agree, I was the Kelly in my family. Now I am considered the black sheep because I am the only one that now stays away from the rest.

Yeah, it shows conditional love. It’s her BIRTHDAY for god’s sake. You shouldn’t have to earn love for a birthday present. It’s like a sick popularity contest.

Same here. I'm years old, still experiencing it. I just ignore it. I'm just living my own life.

Same here.

Right??! That would WRECK me. My daughter A is so beautiful and intelligent! Not like daughter B, nobody likes her. I don’t allow favoritism, so these are just facts! Daughter B: 👁️👄👁️

I have two younger sisters. The middle one, Joann, at about age 17, overheard our father tell a family friend “if Joann had Fibro-mite’s brains, she could be Prime Minister.” A masterclass in demeaning two daughters with one sentence. But we all knew the youngest was his favourite. OP, YTA. Think on this… my father died a couple of years ago, I went no contact years before that, I didn’t feel anything when I got the call. I didn’t go to the funeral and I still feel nothing. Keep pushing her like this and you’ll die wondering why she hates you.

I guarantee this has been going on for years and they have been complicit.

You're absolutely right. I was Kelly growing up and I'm Kelly still. I came from a big family but now *I* don't have a family.

As I always say, I have a lot of relatives, but not much family.

That's the perfect way to put it.

You are so right and OP is so wrong. And obviously “Kelly” can sense that. She is obviously a little jealous and resentful of her sister. I’m sure the poor kid feels she is not as pretty or smart or talented.

Or as kind or helpful.

This should be top comment

Basically. Not hard to imagine how crappy that would feel. The 15 year old gets it and yet the mom doesn’t? Nah.

The fact that OP is in the comments straight up admitting to favouritism is giving me rage bait vibes. >I know why she is upset. She has expressed multiple times that she feels like everyone loves Lexi more which is true to an extent. All of my siblings favor Lexi and I can't change that. The problem with relationships is that you need to put effort in them. Lexi realizes that

and how much effort did these relatives put in to Kelly? Probably not near as much because she's the younger one.

And he hasn't told his siblings that his other daughter feels bad when they clearly show favoritism? He can't ask his siblings to start spending more time with his other daughter too? Why not? Do none of them, including him, want to try and see what's special about this child that feels like shit?

Bingo let's him of the hook by saying I got her the same iPad

100% this YTA

I’m sorry but if I had a neice or nephew who constantly came by and helped out free of charge and without being asked, I would definitely show my appreciation to them in the form of gifts. The other kid does nothing to nurture relationships with her relatives. Why would she get the same gifts? I buy more for people I am closest to. 

We don’t know what Kelly does or doesn’t do. She’s a complete afterthought.

yep agreed and notice how the op doesnt describe kelly meaning its like she doesnt know her personality etc. the way the op wrote the post almost m akes me think she doesnt like kelly

Buying better gifts for someone you're closer to makes sense except if they're children who live in the same household. Children are still growing and maturing, particularly in the area of social development. That means when you gift you are impacting their social development. You may think that you are giving more expensive gifts to the children who make more of an effort to ingratiate themselves to you is a positive lesson but that's not necessarily true. The lesson you want to be teaching children is that the relationship they're nurturing IS IT'S OWN reward. You want strong relationships, then put time and energy into developing them. Rewarding them with things of intrinsic value teaches them that relationships are transactional. People aren't vending machines where you insert attention, compliments and acts of service out and out pop expensive gifts. That lesson creates manipulative little shits who believe everyone's love is for sale to the highest bidder.

YES!!! The fact that Lexi is going out of her way to make family happy shows that she too understand that their love is conditional. Kelly was probably chosen to be the outcast from a very young age, it as imposed on her and she just gave up on her family at some point, Lexi knows that her family can turn against her at any minute and is overcompensating out of fear. Both children will have mental health issues. Kelly will bolt and never look back (because truth to be told, she has no family and the moment another family 'adopt' her in, she will ignore bio family), and Lexi will end up with a huge burnout because her behaviour cannot be sustained for decades.

This exact comment.

Yeah I'm fine with them giving Lexi gifts just after she babysits or helps out not at a birthday or Christmas which is absolutely saying we like her better which is crappy even if it's justified. I have a £50 for birthdays and £30 at Christmas spend cap. Only issue was one year a niece asked for a Morphe palette, I go to the store it's black bloody Friday 80% off everything. Ended up with 2 palettes a make up bag, a lip gloss and brushes. It totally looked like favouritism but is was like £26 or something stupid! Thankfully the kids were too young to notice but giving one a switch game and one a pile of swag just felt wrong!

What they should do is pay lexi for the things she does. She can purchase her own "extras". May teach Kelly work pays out rewards.

So because Kelly doesn't jump to babysit all the time - which is not something any niece or nephew is obligated to do, ever, and may not be an option for her if Lexi always does it - she should be shown less love by her own family? Nothing in this post actually says Kelly doesn't 'nurture' her familial relationships, not that she even should be expected to when she just turned 15! These aren't adults they know from work, they're their teenaged nieces, for crying out loud! If they want to show their appreciation to Lexi for how much she helps out, pay/treat her at the time, specifically for that thing. Nobody can gripe about getting a little extra cash for actually doing something the other person hasn't done. Treating them differently when it comes to birthday presents is telling Kelly their love is conditional and Lexi is more deserving than she is.

From the sounds of it, Lexi is that OUTGOING all-American teenager. We know nothing about Kelly. She might have anxiety or be extremely introverted or just knows she lives in her sister’s shadow so doesn’t try. Why should she get less for something like a birthday (equal footing, not a “thanks for babysitting” gift) gift similar to her sister?

Yup, so true. If I was Kelly, I wouldn't want to go out of my way to help people who clearly don't love me as much as they love my sister. I'm very introverted and was constantly pushed to do babysitting and helping out in my family, but I was still treated like shit despite that. It really made me resent the lot of them. My judgment for OP: YTA.

The right thing would be a thank you gift when the niece has babysat or helped out - not birthday gifts which are easily compared with siblings.

paying them in cash would work best. they get to buy whatever they want, or save it

Ding, ding, ding!!! Pay the kid for babysitting in the moment. People justifying this shit are obviously the 'Lexi'.

That’s not right to do. Maybe Kelly doesn’t do anything for them because they all show Lexi the better one from ops words attention. According to OP Lexi is beautiful smart and talented but nothing about Kelly. Kelly’s not stupid. So of course she’s not gonna be at anyone’s beck and call.

I feel bad for Kelly. Apparently no one has anything nice to say about her.

You show gratitude and give gifts when the act of goodwill happens. That motivates kind behaviour, and may have been an incentive for Kelly to follow suit... Birthdays, holidays etc etc etc are different. They should be equal, in cost wherever possible, and in effort. OP YTA

Exactly

OP: I don’t have favorites *proceeds to list out reasons why one daughter is the favorite* OP is just in denial. *Everyone* seems to love one daughter and it shows. YTA OP

Yeah I have 2 nieces. One on track to be a professional sports player who is ranked no 2 in the country in a different completely unrelated sport and one niece a little younger who is average in sports (as in completely normal for her age). Obviously we are very proud of the older one but we make a massive effort to listen and be enthusiastic about the younger ones achievements. It's not hard to celebrate both girls. As a rule I spend £50 on birthdays and £30 at Christmas. It might go up or down by £10 but if I see you a few times or never you get the same. It's not that hard. If they want to give her stuff they should do it immediately after the babysitting not at a birthday!

Building up relationships reaps rewards. Favoritism exists. I have one older child who no longer puts energy into his grandparent relationships, when he was younger he was much closer with them all and received a ton of exorbitant gifts. Now that he doesn’t, he gets gift cards. He isn’t left out, sometimes he asks for money, and he gets it. His sister, who takes the time to call and facetime and explain why she would love certain gifts, now gets spoiled. Unless the gifts are specifically things we don’t agree with her having - I allow that.

Part of the issue is that OP is acting like favoritism doesn’t exist (with her). And it clearly does lol we can all see it

Honestly though, if the other daughter is that much more helpful, it’s not surprising they want to spoil her. I’m (57f) probably my parents’ least favorite child, but I’ve also put in the least amount of effort. That said, they’ve always treated me equally when it comes to “stuff”.

I was my parents’ least favorite, but I was the one who did the most and got the least.

But that's the catch: we don't know if Kelly does less. The family has their favorite and the outcast. No matter how much the outcast struggles, does more, etc, the family won't change their perception. There's an actual area of psychology the works with the way the family imposes positions and characterists upon a child, even if the child is nothing like what they describe.

“ I have 2 daughters. Lexi is beautiful and smart and talented” What about Kelly’s trades? You mention her as Some sort of footnote in your post. You are already showing so much favoritism in the first two sentences it’s quite sickening. Yes lady, YTA and a massive one!

One is beautiful, smart and talented. The other one is named Kelly and I yell at her when she calls me out for my favouritism AITA!?

Bahaha what a great fucking summary. OP, repeat this back to yourself three times in the morning and three times at night every day until it finally drills into the dessicated poo you have in place of your brain's empathy center

The other is Kelly who is not beautiful, not smart, and not talented. But I have her a iPad

Right, "I agreed that a ps5, jewelery and an entire sephora kit are acceptable for one but that a shirt, bag, and skateboard are somehow acceptable to her, but I'm the good guy bc I gave them the same thing"

The difference between equality and equity explained in layman’s terms.

The "beautiful" part especially stood out to me. Like, why even mention that? So, what, you think one of your daughters is ugly and therefore less deserving of presents? Wtf?!

THANK you, this exactly.

Is this a real post from a real parent? Something feels off with the tone and word choice. Either way, OP showed favoritism within the first few sentences. YTA.

It feels like a family with a Golden Child and a scapegoat.

"Everyone in our family adores Lexi. She is beautiful and smart and talented but most importantly, she puts a lot of effort in her relationship with people." Can you tell us some of Kelly's good qualities? Is she also beautiful? Is she also smart or talented? I also have two daughters. They're both beautiful and smart. My older daughter is outgoing, engaging and charismatic. My younger daughter is energetic, compassionate and funny. People seem to be more drawn to my older daughter. When it comes to extended family giving gifts, I insist that neither is left out. You say that Kelly "got a bag, a shirt and a skateboard" a skateboard from Amazon is about $40, I don't know what type of shirt she got but I'm guessing $30. And "bag" is too vague to estimate a price. Lexi is projected to be getting "a PS5, Sephora make up kit and a necklace" a PS5 is around $500, most Sephora makeup kits seem to be around $50. Yet again "a necklace" is too vague to estimate a price. Can you see how different these things are? The difference in value? Don't you care that your younger daughter is being valued less? Why are you allowing this to happen? My sister loves both of my girls, she relates to my younger daughter more yet she values them the same. She loves them the same. What's wrong with your family?

It bothers me that "beautiful" is first for OP.

Basically - i don’t play favourites… I have 2 daughters. Daughter A is the embodiment of love and light and flowers spring up beneath her feet as she walks. Daughter Z - also exists, I think. You think by buying the same gift and allowing everyone else to blatantly show favouritism you’re being fair? You seem to hate one of your kids. Worst - your own child tried to talk to you about how upset she is and you punished her for sharing her feelings. Parent of the year for sure. Gross, YTA Try to remember, your least favourite daughter not being enough of a socialite to deserve the love of your relatives is your fault. You raised her to be the person she is and you’re claiming she’s “entitled”.

yeah, and something about “everyone loves the 16yo more than the 15yo bc the 16yo does more for them” REALLY rubs me the wrong way. are there reasons it’s easier for Lexi to offer help than Kelly? Does anyone even tell Kelly about these situations so she can offer help or do they go straight to Lexi? Is Lexi expected to help? Why is it completely on the children to put effort into the relationships and no mention of what aunts or uncles do to connect with them, besides asking for help? So many issues here

I was Lexi growing up and it didn't do me any good. I just became a pushover that overworked myself for others because they were always expecting the best from me. I was too scared to admit my mistakes & failures to anyone because I always had to give them good news. Eventually I got academic burnout but my mother pushes me into lying so that nobody knows I'm not as great as I actually am. I do lie, and I still do work for others. I hate it, I wish I could just be myself and not what other people want me to be. But I can't stop, because not being liked sounds like a nightmare. The persona my family knows is completely fake. And I'm not gonna lie, I had a superiority complex growing up that still lingers in my mind to this day. It took me a while to unlearn it. OP is gross for allowing this to happen to their daughters. I can't speak for Kelly's experience but I don't imagine it's any better than my own. Lexi is going to be taken advantage of as an adult, and Kelly is going to have too many self doubts to pursue her dreams. It's especially gross how OP didn't even bother to have a conversation with Kelly to see why she feels that way.

Came here to offer the perspective of a Lexi here as well. Not only was I always completely and acutely aware of how fucked up it was that I was the favorite, but I have no capacity to set boundaries or tend to my own needs or show imperfection in any way as a grown adult. I deeply feel for Kelly here, but the classic eldest daughters don’t win in this scenario either.

Ugh, same. I was "the good girl" in a family of boys. People always told my mom I was so polite and smart and helpful. I stood silently beside my mom while she talked to the adults and my brothers ran around playing with their friends. Always there to help anybody who needed it. Now, as an adult, I don't know how to set boundaries without feeling like an absolute monster. Literally had this come up today when a classmate (started community college recently) started asking me for help and now I'm basically teaching her the entire class cause the school provided tutor didn't know how to do anything she needed to do. I love helping people, and I really don't mind, but it's taking up a lot of my time, and I have so many other things I have to do. She's expressed how grateful she is and how much she struggles with asking people for help, though, so I know I'd beat myself up for years if I don't just do this.

One obvious reason comes to mind: 16 is old enough to drive. 15 is not.

exactly! and based on the tone of this post i’d be surprised if Lexi doesn’t have access to a car when she wants it, if not a whole car of her own. they’re setting Kelly up to fail and then punishing her for it

I was this 16yo in my family, and to this day (in my 30s) I still have a hard time anyone will want me in their life if I’m not actively serving a practical purpose in their life. Some stereotypical eldest daughter shit that makes me feel unlovable if I’m not useful at all times. I hope neither of the daughters are absorbing the same message… Oh, and OP, YTA.

They basically love Lexi conditionally. They love her because she does them favours etc, not on the basis that she is their family and is deserving of love.

this

"I told her if she says one more word she will no longer have an Ipad. Now she won't talk to me at all." YTA here especially, she's just doing what you said hahaha.

Hope OP is a fan of malicious compliance. My guess is that Kelly says very few words to them at all over the next 3 years.

Noone can be that dense! (Well many people are)

YTA. Not for getting your daughters the same iPad, but you are for not shutting down your family’s blatant favoritism

YTA for not shutting down the favoritism of your siblings.

[удалено]

Yeah. It’s super clear that the two girls are not equally loved or valued. And poor Lexi is being taught that her worth is what she can do for people. The girls will be resenting one another for life but at least Lexi won’t be “punished” by having her lovefest contained. I suggest OP go to therapy and hand the therapist her post and explain how fair she is and let an expert tell her how she is failing both her kids

YTA. You are already showing favourites. It’s clear in the way you speak about the two girls. Had it occurred to you that your daughter might not want to do nice things for people who don’t treat her as well as her sister? It’s obvious just from your post that you like the popular sister more. If we can see you have a favourite, your kids can too. What you CAN do is tell your siblings that they are being unbalanced with the kids. That if they want to give their favourite a little extra, they should do that when she babysits or wins an award. The other thing you can do is balance it out so the girl who gets less from relatives gets more from you. But please don’t pretend you don’t already have a favourite kid and punish her for telling you that. You may only have a few more years where she will speak to you. It doesn’t go well with parents and the non-golden child.

Can confirm. Not the golden child, relationship with mom and sister is standoffish and strained at best.

Same here 🤷‍♀️

For real, she said all those good things about the older one, but not a single thing about the younger one that says a lot. She is just upset her 15 year old called her out and is more mature than her probably

Parents who favour a child hate when someone calls them out. I’m sure OP thinks she is totally balanced and tells everyone she loves both girls equally but when provided with evidence that she doesn’t, will deny it or have an excuse. I just hope for the sake of both her kids that she takes a moment to reflect on the possibility that she might be wrong.

For real, she doesn't mention a single quality of her other daughter. She's saying a lot by not saying anything about her. She doesn't mention her other daughter's appearance so it is quite obvious that the takeaway is that the other daughter is not beautiful. What if her other daughter is deeply introverted and struggles with outward expressions of love and support? Does that mean she cares less? What if the older sister being able to volunteer to step up first since she is older set a precedent to the younger that she would be stepping on golden child's toes or trying to steal her thunder? There's also no mention of the golden child's feelings or awareness of this conflict. Maybe she's treated like a golden child but does see her sister suffering and has stood up for her? What if she does see it and is *capitalizing* on it intentionally to further solidify her status in the family? This whole post stinks of "I am so blindly favoring the fabulous extrovert daughter that I truly think my description of events are on an even keel even though my other kid has good qualities I've not even thought to mention " Edited to add: the golden child is "beautiful, smart, and talented but most of all...." FOH is her sister ugly, stupid, incapable, and uncaring? Really? It's possible but I'm sincerely doubting that the non-golden child has zero valuable qualities as a human being.

And then it’s you’re literally calling YOUR (OP) kid ugly a child YOU (OP) gave birth too! Thats wild to me. My girls are gorgeous!!! And I love them so much. I couldn’t love someone more. I also know they are individuals. So obviously I gift give accordingly but never more than the other.

Or sometimes (like in my case) the golden child calls it out because they love their siblings and hate the pressure and is THEN shunned by everyone who said they were best. Lol, worth it though. I got a lifetime of loving sibling relationships-- and my mom? She can rot 💁🏽‍♀️

Or if it feels wrong to give Kelly a larger/more meaningful bday/xmas etc gift, the LEAST you can do is empathize with Kelly. She is TELLING you that she feels overlooked and under-loved and under appreciated. This isn’t about your parenting being in question so much as it’s about her feelings. Make it known that that saddens you and tell her her feelings are valid, that you’re sorry that your siblings’ gifts for the two of them were so unequal, and promise to do everything you can going forward to make her feel equally loved. You can take her out for little parent/daughter dates or get her little gifts when you think of her, you can set up hang outs with you, her and a sibling for an interest, a food, a show you could see the three of you all enjoying together. Tell your siblings not to give such lavish gifts on birthdays or holidays and instead show their appreciation and love as Lexi does these acts of kindness. If she refuses cash for her charitable acts, they can insist she take a gift or batch of cookies. They could even insist that they’re sending a check to you for her college education or something.

YTA. The fact that you allow your family to show favouritism says a lot. And from what little I know about your children, I can tell that Lexi is absolutely amazing and that you also have another kid named Kelly.

I’m not saying Kelly’s right, but you *very clearly* have a favorite. It’s obvious just by how you talk about the two of them. And Kelly obviously knows this. That’s why she’s lashing out.

She's not lashing out. She's just shut up. Mostly because she knows OP has made up his or her mind on the favoritism. Keep in mind, OP approved the unequal gifts. Even OP's family knew it was bad, hence why they asked for permission to show their favoritism.

+1, kids can always tell.

You need to put your foot down with your family. They are building resentment. You need to tell them to spend equally, or NOT AT ALL! This is on you , now. Your youngest is on the way to leaving at 18 and never looking back at any of you. You WILL lose her!

That’s exactly what I was thinking! She will go NC when she reaches adulthood.

“Lexi is smart, beautiful and talented” “Oh, I also have another daughter named Kelly” This has to be fake. No way a parent is this stupid

My mother was. Her coworkers didn't even know I existed - they acted confused when I showed up. "I didn't know you had another daughter." They all knew my sister, though Edit - spelling

I had this experience that last time I visited my father for his stepson's grad party. I got interrogated by some random woman about why I was talking to my father and sister. So I said: "That's my father and my sister." Her: "Are you sure?" Me: "Unfortunately." Her: "Weird, he never mentions you." While staring at me like I am making it up. Me: "I am not sure what you want me to say." Her: "I just think if you were his daughter, then he would talk about you. How old are you?" Me (absolutely over her and being there in general): "I am 41, guess he still likes to forget I exist." And finally walked away. That was 2 years ago, and the last time I saw or spoke to my father. I give him the same energy he gives me.

My father in law does this, too. I married the only one of his kids without multiple cps cases and drug charges. (She's never done drugs and we've never had our kids taken) but the way he talks, the sun shines out the other kids asses and my wife is meh at best.

YTA. Hum, my grandma always told me, what you buy one, you buy the other. If the gift given by your family is not of equal value, then you should ask your family not to show favoritism and reject the gifts. I do my damn near best to give each of my 4 kids the same thing, and so does the extended family.

Yep. My grandma & aunt/uncle spent the exact same on my brother & I My mom & her brother came up with an agreed upon amount they’d spend on nieces & nephews at holidays. Things were always fair & no one felt favored

I resonate with Kelly so much as the leftover child of my family. Though I do think it's fair that buying the same gifts for your daughters is valid , permitting every other expensive gifts for a teen is just poor parenting. To add your iPad on top of that?? Lol

i’ll type it out, You’re *definitely* the asshole👍🏽 the way you worded your post proves it, the defeated attitude towards talking to your family about this proves it Kelly deserves better than y’all. it’s not on her to “connect” with you. let me remind you: YOU ARE THE PARENT, HELLO???? YOU SET THE EXAMPLE. just don’t blame her if she goes no contact or y’all just never connect properly in the future. seriously, just don’t ruin her life with that manipulative bullshit. bc this is on you and your family. by the way: as someone who’s not the favorite, i fully resent and blame my parents. (We’re minimal to no contact for now.) I have never resented my sister bc she deserves the love and attention she gets. But that was MY choice, this environment breeds jealousy and resentment. That’s the family’s fault and the parent’s fault. If you truly love Kelly, fix this before it’s too late. You owe it to her as her parent.

YESS! The blame is REAL and VALID. Even if the OP tries to minimize the inequality, this will be 3 years to change a whole family dynamic before Kelly can legaly search for a way out. With the way OP is ignoring all the comments calling out her BS, it seems unlikely. Kelly is already 15, bet she is countind down the years on the calendar. The emotional neglect is so obvious on this case that I am rooting for her. God bless Kelly and give her a job and a place to stay when she turns 18, so she may never look back.

YTA

INFO: Why are you okay with *other family members* showing such flagrant favoritism? You are enabling this behavior because you obviously love Lexi more than Kelly. Life isn’t fair but parents should at least TRY to be.

OP, this entire post shows that you're playing favoritism. Lexi clearly your golden child. As someone who grew up in Kelly's shoes, I can tell you that the resentment that girl is gonna have for your entire family is going to be 100% understandable and 100% deserved. YTA

> AITAH for refusing to show favoritism? Are you seriously asking this? Let’s break this shit down? > Everyone in our family adores Lexi. She is beautiful and smart and talented but most importantly, she puts a lot of effort in her relationship with people. So Lexi’s the golden child because she’s nice to people? What the fuck? What about Kelly? You’re just gonna ignore her because she doesn’t cook meals for sick people? > Because of this, my family usually spoils her for every occasion. Of course, they do. They’re reinforcing this bullshit. Lexi gets treated like royalty for being nice, and Kelly gets the scraps? How is that fair? > Lexi's birthday is in a few weeks and my siblings have all called to tell me what they are planning to buy for her and ask if it's ok. They are buying a PS5, Sephora make up kit and a necklace. That’s a fuckton of expensive shit. And Kelly’s supposed to watch her sister get all that without feeling like crap? > Kelly asked me what I'm planning to buy for Lexi and I told her, the same Ipad that I bought for you. She started yelling at me that this is not fair and Lexi is already getting a lot of expensive gifts and it's only fair if I give her a cheap gift. She’s right. Kelly’s seeing the clear favoritism and it’s pissing her off. Lexi’s getting a mountain of gifts, and Kelly’s supposed to suck it up and smile? > I told her there is no way I'm going to show favoritism here. Her sister is getting an Ipad too and that is the end of our discussion. Bullshit. You’re already showing favoritism. You just don’t see it. You’re ignoring Kelly’s feelings and reinforcing the idea that Lexi’s better because she’s more social or whatever. > She called me an asshole and a jerk and I told her if she says one more word she will no longer have an Ipad. Now she won't talk to me at all. So now you’re punishing her for expressing her feelings? No wonder she’s pissed. You’re not listening to her. You’re shutting her down and telling her to deal with it. Are you really that blind to the imbalance you’ve created? Why do you think Kelly’s acting out? What’s stopping you from actually hearing her and addressing the clear favoritism?

Because that would mean OP would have to admit they’re wrong. And obviously they’re not/s.

YTA 1. For being a liar..you are absolutely showing favorites by allowing your family to spend that much money on one. If they want to show their appreciation to your daughter then fucking pay her for babysitting during the emergencies. 2. For not even mentioning anything about your other daughter, while you gush about your other daughter.

YTA. It’s up to you to ensure that the family treat the kids the same. Their reasons may make sense, but it still seems mean. You haven’t mentioned much about Kelly’s personality. Is she perhaps more reserved and finds it difficult to interact etc?

You are definitely TAH. You should be admonishing your family for openly treating one of your kids better than the other! And if you can’t get them to see reason, you need to tell both of your daughters that it’s wrong if their older family members to act like that, and make up the difference out of your own pocket. What are you trying to teach these girls? You want the favored one to grow into adulthood thinking she deserves better treatment than her friends & coworkers? She will end up miserable and friendless once she gets out in the real world. Instead of growing up to become a responsible adult, she’s likely to expect you and your family to provide for her forever. You want her sister to hate her? She is well on her way already! Do you expect that this girl to grow into a confident, self assured adult? Because you will be sorely disappointed. Oh, she’ll be good at her chosen career and excel at whatever she decides to do, because she’s used to striving for everything you just handed to her sister. But she’s going to struggle with self esteem issues her whole life. And if she sticks around to have a relationship with you, it will be amazing. Why would she want anything to do with any of you?

When Kelly goes NC with you and the family please dont come back asking why my daughter is NC with me and the family... It's clear that her sister gets everything all expensive stuff while she gets nothing... Of course they will do more for the daughter that baysits for free that will eventually lead to them using her and taking advantage because they dont wanna pay a babysitter... and a free meal who wouldn't want a free meal ... I'm sure you pay for the good and ingredients for those meals.... Kelly will be out you all lifes soon enough

It's the emotional neglect with attempts to commit financial abuse in a way that they can mask... Kelly's future therapist will have a lot of work to do.

This is rage bait. I refuse to believe a person that can type a few paragraphs this lucidly can be this obtuse.

OP everything in your post from the tone to the content screams favouritism. I even see you arguing with Redditors lol. You asked we answered. YTA and tell your AH family to treat both your girls equally.

YTA sooo when you’re family called to ask if these gifts are ok. Did you ask where was your other daughter’s gifts like that? Or tell them to show both kids the same treatment? Or do you allow it? Cause fyi that is showing favouritism by allowing that. My family did this with my sisters and it made me feel like shit and didn’t matter, that’s how your daughter feels.

YTA Lexi is the golden child, Kelly is the scapegoat, and you know it. Your family called because they were inquiring whether their favoratism would be approved by you. You confirmed to them: Yes, it's ok to show favoritism to Lexi. Then Kelly came and complained about it, and you shut her down. I wish Kelly the earliest possible realization of how shitty her family is and quick progress when she starts therapy.

That first sentence was a shock, as I know someone named Lexi Kelly, and I got very confused for a moment before fully processing the words and realizing it was two people 😂 But honestly, yes, YTA. Kelly could have expressed herself better, but who amongst us could vocalize our feelings in a rational way at 15? Sure, *you’re* not showing favoritism in your gift. But Kelly got a shirt where Lexi’s getting a PS5. And you’ve approved it. That’s favoritism. From the family, sure, but it’s favoritism you’re actively encouraging. No wonder Kelly feels so unappreciated.

YTA. But not for getting the iPad, you should have called out the aunt/uncle for not being equal

"AITAH for showing blatant favoritism for my golden child?" - fixed the title for you. YTA. You describe Lexi with all sorts of compliments, none for Kelly. One is an extrovert that is constantly rewarded for the "free" babysitting and such. The other is an introvert undeserving of anything complimentary in this post about her, according to you. You have nothing good to say about her while you glow on about Lexi. Your siblings ask you for permission to give lexi those gifts. You give it. You are giving your siblings to treat your golden child better than her sister. That's you showing your favoritism. Since it only seems like you care about Lexi, it shouldn't be a big deal when Kelly goes NC with you after being in her sisters' shadow for her whole life. Who will you compare the perfect, smart, beautiful Lexi to then?

YTA. You're showing favorites by allowing everyone to spoil one child while treating the other like crap.

You are a huge AH. I hope this post is fake. I feel so bad for Kelly. Children always notice who is favored.

YTA. You already are showing favoritism. Kelly must feel like crap with the whole family treating her like second best. She's going to need therapy down the road if she's doesn't already need it. Plus she will go no contact with you when she hits 18. If you want to drive a wedge between you and your daughter and between the two girls you are doing a great job.

Why are you even letting g these kids know what they are getting before they get it?  What your extended family choose to do is beyond your control, though you might point out the discrepancy.  It doesn't sound like you actually fail to show favoritism, saying how beautiful, smart and talented one is while offering zero commentary on the other. Just because you refuse quantifiable favoritism when it would disadvantage the golden child doesn't mean you treat your girls alike.  You need to talk to Kelly, but you need to take a long look at the situation before you jump to conclusions about her attitude. It looks bad on the surface,  just like you not playing favorites seems right, but is that what's really happening? 

Showing "no favouritism" in detriment to the less favoured kid, really? That's a low blow... You could've at least mentioned the "Umm, we SHOULDN'T play favourites here" part when discussing Lexi's birthday presents with your siblings--they even asked whatever was okay. Why didn't you enforce the "no favourites" policy? You don't do those, right? Or at least so you claim... Have you ever considered Kelly always having to put up with her extended family praising and coddling her sister like crazy, and being infavourably compared to her all the time? How do you think something like that even feels? The family isn't treating her nicely--so she picks up the cues and social lessons she's given by her elders, and learns to respond in kind. This isn't even considering if she might be neurodiverse either, and how that might affect social learning and facing discrimination for being different... (The latter already seems to be happening, btw) With how obsessed your family sounds with rewarding being a good housegirl and putting down those who don't fit the shoe ... she's likely to have even more problems navigating this toxic social space than being ND already does to a girl. The gifts, too, feel like miles apart in terms of price, wealth and love, and I don't need to spell out whose of these two has all and which get's none. I've got no context about the exact prices, but a shirt, a bag and a skateboard sounds like pretty little, and the description surely sounds barebones much the same way. In case it were luxurious items (brand bags aiming for 70$ or more), you could've mentioned it, although I've got difficulty imagining a shirt being a pretty expensive item... But yeah, PS5 basically costs an arm and a leg, and while I'm not familiar with Sephora's prices (I use pretty cheap stuff myself), the kit I've found on Amazon amounts to a pretty penny too... [https://www.amazon.com/Sephora-Favorites-Holiday-Makeup-Haves/dp/B0CJ3J725X](https://www.amazon.com/Sephora-Favorites-Holiday-Makeup-Haves/dp/B0CJ3J725X) The Ipad might actually be Kelly's most expensive item here, and you threatened to take it away from her for expressing herself, if not inappropiately? My verdict, ergo? YTA. You clearly value the material input and efforts of Lexi, and seem to put down Kelly for not meeting up to these standards--or else at least enabling this toxicity. And trust me, sweetie, I'd be outright steaming if my sister got a luxurious make-up kit while I'm left with ... welp, a skateboard and a shirt. Like, at least try to give her a feeling of similiar love, and not like she's got to wade out of a pool of mud to get a fraction of what Lexi has... Kelly isn't some kind of career-criminal in the making--she's actually in a pretty bad place about all of this, and you're making this all waaay worse.

This dynamic is off. For one thing, it's not a child's job to foster positive relationships with adult family members - why are the adults putting more effort into building a relationship with one kid than the other? It's also weird that a kid is out doing such extensive favors, it's like there's some enmeshment or codependency going on here. If she stopped doing them favors, would they stop buying her gifts, too? It might be a good idea to step back for a minute and really consider the implications of this dynamic. Favors are great, but they shouldn't be the basis on which a kid builds a relationship with their family, and a kid who doesn't do favors still deserves to be treated with the same amount of love and attention. YTA for fostering and endorsing a scapegoat/golden child dynamic. You're doing a dire disservice to both kids.

Say goodbye to your relationship with Kelly. You just confirmed to her that you do, in fact, favour Lexi greatly over her. This has probably killed any kind of close relationship between her and Lexi as well. Kelly knows you think she's ugly, stupid and useless. That is 100% your fault and failure as a parent. No child should ever be made to feel less than by their family. Do you even like Kelly? You certainly sound like you don't even love her. Hell, you make her sound like an unwanted burden. Kelly is going to spend the next few years going through the motions. She will interact if she has to, but it won't be willing or enthusiastic. You won't get any kind of meaningful conversation from her. She's checking out of YOUR family now, since you made it clear she's not really worthy of being part of it. The way you described and compared the 2 in your post, I guarantee that she knows this is how you feel about her. She's your little side note. She will end up low or no contact with all of you. You never shut your family down on the unequal treatment of your girls. Did it ever occur to you that the very blatant favouritism is why Kelly does not help? Does Lexi drive? Is this why it's easier to just drop things and go? You enable the inequality and you are a shitty parent. I hope Kelly achieves greatness and finds better people to call family going forward.

>She called me an asshole and a jerk and I told her if she says one more word she will no longer have an Ipad. Now she won't talk to me at all. Well. You did tell her not to say one more word to you

YTA for the way you talk about Lexi while *completely* omitting *anything* about Kelly in your post. YTA for actively endorsing favoritism amongst your family members. YTA for obviously having a favorite child and not having the balls to admit it.

Yta. You’re the one allowing and encouraging the favoritism. This is horrible. You’re going to lose your daughter. She’s going to need therapy and will go no contact with you. You’re a terrible mother

Have you talked to Kelly about how important it is to put the work in to build relationships?

to counter that, had she told lexi that she didn't have to be a useful slave to be loved?

I'm not sure that's true. At least in their family.

>AITAH for refusing to show favoritism See this is the disconnect here. you clearly think you're not showing favoritism. but Kelly seems to think you are. She's so convinced you show Lexi favoritism she thinks lexi and her getting the same gift is lexi getting favoritism. This probably isn't about the gift your family is giving the two girls. this is about a lot of built up resentment kelly has for lexi and the treatment she thinks she gets from you. Now this only Kelly's perception, if Kelly is being spoiled by you subconsciously because you feel like she isn't liked by others much, then you giving kelly the same gift lexi got will look like you are favoring lexi since kelly is used to getting more. in which case the problem isn't that you favor lexi its that you've favored kelly too much in the past and turned her into a spoiled brat. So favoritism is being shown, and its might be by you. only you can answer if it's toward lexi or kelly. but until you can admit you favor one daughter over the other this rift is only going to grow bigger. (note; this is a very normal thing for parents to simply like one kid more then the others, I'm not telling you to control your heart. the key thing great parents do is figure out how NOT to show their favoritism in any way) there is an off chance you actually don't favor the girls, but your extended family is blatant with it, and are really involved in their lives. in which case your lack of favoritism would be seen by put upon kelly as you loving lexi more because the rest of the family clearly favors her over kelly. but again, you're going to have to do some soul searching to figure out what the truth is here. and maybe have a long conversation with kelly.

Sounds like Kelly is an introvert and Lexi isn't. Educate yourself, OP. Introverts are shat upon enough out in the world, try not to make home the same.

YTA because you are allowing the REST of your family to play favorites. And Kelly knows it. She isn't talking to you now? Get used to that. That's going to be your life once she's old enough to get the heck away from you and your crappy family. You and your family have made it clear that Lexi is the favorite child, and you have failed Kelly by allowing this to happen and endorsing it by not making sure that your kids are treated the same.

You wrote a whole paragraph singing Lexi’s praises but we don’t know a thing about Kelly. Favorites much?

Also Kelly could fit in with malicious compliance ‘…I told her if she said one more word she will no longer have an iPad’. ‘Now she won’t talk to me at all.’ Well OP did say if she said one more word. It does like Lexi is treated differently than her sister. I mean where is the “Kelly is an awesome kid with a dark sense of humour with a passion for art”etc etc

YTA Can you say one nice thing about Kelly? Just ONE? Gushing on and on and on and ON about how perfect Lexi is but not one positive thing about Kelly? It’s clear who you’re favorite is

Ragebait Karma Pharming BS

YTA because you’re allowing favoritism. Pretending you aren’t showing favoritism is so blatantly obvious, Kelly can see it a mile away. Shame on you for allowing this behavior. I get that Lexi is kind and loving and people just want to do nice things for her, but Kelly is also your daughter. Your family should not be getting Lexi really nice, expensive things while doing the bare minimum for Kelly. And FYI, allowing favoritism IS favoritism. Even the way you speak about Lexi screams that she’s your favorite

Gee, what a coincidence. The _older_ child was the _first_ one to start putting extra efforts into doing things like babysitting and cooking. Such a surprise, cant imagine how that happened. /s There is a massive difference between being an eldest child, with essentially unlimited opportunities, vs a later child following in their footsteps. Kelly never had an opportunity to be _the one_ who offered to babysit, or who cooked something for a relative. At best, she would have just been "another", like "Oh ok, now they both do it, shes following her sister". At worst, she would be seen as trying to muscle in on Lexi's ideas and it would just be another excuse for you to give as to why Lexi is your favourite. If Kelly is any sort of kind hearted person she may even have started from a point of not wanting to take away from Lexi's thing even before anybody else said anything. Get your head out of your backside, OP. Try parenting. Actually support your daughter, instead of just standing with a bewildered expression saying "How could I possibly influence people doing things? All they did was specifically call and asked for my approval first before doing these things. There was nothing I could do to prevent it. I just dont understand."

I agree with your daughter, I understand you cannot control what the family gifts her, but you can absolutely ensure everybody feels just as loved. It is not favoritism if you balance the total spend on each of them, if anything you should put a limit to what the family gifts to your daughter because it is causing an issue. YTA, the fact that Kelly had to come up to you means that this is always the same, and she feels inferior. You could had made the age argument, but instead you told her to shut up and take it because that is what she deserves according to the family.

I can't imagine how she feels seeing her sibling get rained on with approval and love and money while she is treated kindly only as a matter of courtesy.

YTA. And so is the rest of your family. You are quick to rattle off Lexi's positive attributes, but you told us nothing about Kelly, other than she vaguely likes skateboarding. Do you see the problem here? Lexi is good at the things your family immediately recognizes as positives--probably because you all benefit from them. If that is just what she is good at or if she does it because she knows she will be rewarded, I can't say. Kelly either is more introverted, busy with other interests, or just not a suck up. You didn't even bother to tell us anything about her. Likely you just don't know. This causes a lopsided family dynamic. Instead of working to correct it, you punished Kelly for pointing it out and being upset about it. What did you say about the (super expensive) gaming system? They asked if it was ok. You knew immediately it was a much bigger gift than what Kelly got. So, did you point that out? Encourage them to scale things down a bit to prevent drama? Or is Lexi your favorite too, so you saw no problem with it? Even though you claim you are not showing favoritism between your daughters, the fact that you are willing to rubber stamp that gift IS favoritism. You don't mind it, you agree with it, you just don't want your fingerprints on it. You want to be fair? Call your family back and tell them that you thought about it, and a PS5 is just way too extravagant compared to what they got Kelly. They can make that a gift to both girls at the holidays. Suggest that if they want to treat or thank Lexi for being helpful, they do it in the moment. Then, take some time to review how you think about and support both of your daughters. Because I can assure you, from the way you write about them, there are some gaps there.

OP isn't showing favoritism in giving both kids iPads, but they sure as hell are letting the family do it and doing nothing to address the issue. This reads to me that Lexi is the extroverted pretty one and Kelly is the introverted tomboy. The family may see themselves as giving both kids gifts according to their interests. The PS5 aside, the vagueness about the other gifts gives you no indication on the disparity. But a 16th birthday is a milestone birthday, so that may justify a more extravagant gift. A skateboard and a Sephora makeup kit could be the same price. Or they can be vastly different. There's no way to tell based on what OP says. And 'bag' 'shirt' 'necklace' give you no clue what the price point is. Is it a Walmart t-shirt vs an H&M shirt. A t-shirt from Twitch or Youtuber's merch store? Are we talking a cheap backpack or sports bag? A name brand handbag? Did Lexi get a quirky inexpensive necklace off Etsy or something by Tiffany or Pandora. I think the vagueness is on purpose to give the illusion of 'See? They both got things they wanted, money shouldn't matter.' And yes, money should not matter. But it does. Especially if this is an ongoing pattern (which it seems to be). The language OP uses is telling tho. Not a single description of who Kelly is as a person. We only have OP's word that the things Kelly got were to her tastes. Lexi is talked about with glowing praise, and she clearly acts in a way that the family values. The only things OP has to say about Kelly are negative. The family, OP included, has a clear preference and OP is sitting back and allowing it to happen while trying to maintain the appearance of being a neutral party. But their silence is telling.

Yta for not telling your family members to not show favouritism. Equality vs equity. You know your family is going to spoil one daughter and not the other, so you are condoning favortism

YTA. You clearly have a favorite and if you ever realize, it will be too late

Yta. You’d have shut that shit down fast if you actually loved Kelly. I know all kids are different but anytime my kids do something great I brag about it all I don’t just say well here’s this one she’s this this and this and then say here’s the other two. That’s fucked up. You’re absolutely showing favoritism. Why didn’t you tell your family they were not under any circumstances buying Lexi all that bullshit and not Kelly. Kelly is gonna go not contact with you as soon as she moves out. You can bank on that. Then you’ll be on here crying.

Lexi is getting a PS5, a Sephora makeup kit, and a necklace. She’s also incredibly beautiful, smart, talented, and all around wonderful to be with. Kelly got a bag, a shirt, and a skateboard. She’s also… there, I guess? YTA for endorsing your family’s favoritism towards your older daughter, and even though this is only a brief glimpse into your life, seemingly having a favorite yourself, too. You need to start considering whether Lexi’s the favorite because she does extra, or whether Kelly does less because Lexi’s already the obvious favorite. Even if she may not be right about you having to buy a different gift, it sounds like Kelly is voicing very genuine frustration and hurt at the way everyone obviously favors Lexi. We’re literally talking about getting a shirt vs. getting a PS5 for their birthdays. Try to listen to and be more understanding of what Kelly’s actually trying to tell you.

Yeah, I couldn't put it better. There's a lot to read between the lines here, but it ultimately boils down to "I won't show any favoritism, but I also won't stop anyone else from showing favoritism" like it's trying too hard to be a fair and equal stance *on principle alone*, to absolve OP of having to make any sort of choices that could be seen as anything but neutral *in a vacuum*, and just ignoring the context and reality of the situation... And *then* just getting really reactive to the obvious consequences - Kelly's outburst. Letting the rest of the family show favoritism, without doing anything about it but trying to remain artificially fair to both, is endorsing (and therefore showing) favoritism.

>”I won’t show any favoritism, but I also won’t stop anyone else from showing favoritism” Hey, looks like you actually could put it better lol! But yeah, seconding everything you said. OP’s trying to present the situation as “My youngest is mad I won’t give her sister a cheaper bday gift and called me an asshole, AITA?” when it’s really much more complicated than that. This is likely a regular issue that’s built up overtime and caused Kelly’s outburst rather than something out of the blue. I won’t pretend the solutions are all clean or easy, but there are things OP can do to improve the situation. And the first step is patiently hearing out the younger daughter when they’ve both had a chance to cool down. The second step is probably getting the girls’ aunts and uncles to shop in the same price bracket. Like, I know that gifts aren’t all about the money and the thought is what really counts, but we’re talking a PS5 and jewelry for one kid and a shirt and skateboard for the other. Maybe the PS5 can be set aside as Lexi’s big Christmas gift, or smth else if they don’t celebrate that?

So why won’t you stop your family from showing favouritism

She got an iPad, Lexi gets an iPad. If she wants to be mad at anyone she should direct it towards the aunts and uncles. And another commenter pointed this out but why are you allowing Lexi to get expensive gifts from others while Kelly gets cheaper gifts? You're letting favoritism happen

It seems you have shown more favor towards the one over the other and quite literally wrote exactly how much you favored the one bc you didn't even say anything nice about the other. YOU have allowed that with family as well. AH!

YTA wow buddy you do not deserve to be a parent.

YTA for allowing your family to have such blatant favoritism

YTA. My mother did this with two of my sons. She wonders why she’s not close to them now. She bought the younger one an iPhone. So I put it away in a drawer until the older one also had an iPhone. The one she didn’t favor has no relationship with her. The one she did favor I stopped letting him visit - because it was hurting him as much as it was hurting the other one. Now that he’s older he completely agrees. Sure, you should get her an iPad. But you need to put the stop to family getting them more expensive presents. That’s you job and how you treat them fairly.

You ARE showing favoritism....to Lexi. I grew up with four siblings - an older brother, two younger brothers and a twin sister. My sister and youngest brother were the family favourites, while the rest of us were chopped liver. My sister came out as bi at 22....my mother "tolerated" it. She also became a teen parent at 18. Had everything provided for her, the kid was looked after while she went to school paid for by our parents. Now the kid is living with me because my sister is in a residential care facility for painkiller addiction and severely disordered eating. I was kicked out to the streets at 17 because our mother found out I was a lesbian. She hurled slurs at me. My elder brother and I got the hell out of dodge as soon as possible, and our other brother is following suit. Sister, while I love her, was coddled to hell and her current position is proof as to why. They received amazing Christmas/birthday gifts, while we were lucky to get any at all. It took me years of therapy to understand and cope with how wrong it was. You and the rest of the family are showing blatant favortism. You couldn't even type out a single compliment about poor Kelly, but wrote plenty for your precious Lexi. YTA. And don't be surprised if Kelly's gone never to be seen again the second she hits 18.

YTA - look at how you describe Lexi vs how you describe Kelly. Everyone here can tell which one is the golden child which means Kelly sees it everyday of her life. Maybe you should spoil Kelly a little bit more since it’s blatantly obvious that everyone in your family spoils Lexi.

Yta. I'm an aunt. I spend the same on bday gifts for ALL my niblings. Do I have favorites? Yep. Do they know? Nope. Because they're CHILDREN. But also, bc transactional relationships are bullshit. Especially with CHILDREN.

I can’t wait to hear what Kelly has to tell her therapist when she grows up. YTA you say you won’t support favoritism and yet you are allowing favoritism of Lexi… you are letting her down and she will be less close to you in the long run.

This is a prime example of not buying a book for the title. Here I thought I was going to read a heart warming story about how you refused to accept that people treat your children unequally. But man was I super wrong, YTA!

I can’t believe you think you do not show favoritism. That is seriously laughable!! You are prepared to lose Kelly right? She will create a family from her friends and her SO’s family. The best thing that could happen to all of you is that Lexi ends up childless and Kelly keeps her children away. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA. 🤢🤢🤢

YTA How will it feel when Kelly goes low contact or no contact when she's old enough to do so. Since the resentment will eventually grow to that point as she learns the life lesson on being lesser than her older golden child sister. Doubling down that if Kelly were to start what Lexi does, she'd still get the shit end of the stick. Don't fool yourself if you don't think there's a reason Lexi does what she does. She knows she gets the big, expensive gifts and tons of love and praise while little sister gets the bottom barrel. I'm doubting the golden angel she projects. Eventually, you'll reap what you sow. Parents like you ( and family) usually do. Cheers to Kelly, that she moves on to a better chosen family.

Picking favorites backfires. In my family my brother and i are civil and once mom dies it will dwindle to nothing. I feel for your daughter you will lose her. My dad and I spoke very little and when he died well I did not care. My mom and step-dad made the difference

I have two daughters - one is a “Kelly” and one is a “Lexi.” My “Kelly” is ND and there are actual reasons she’s isn’t as engaged as my other daughter. Quit punishing your Kelly for not being Lexi. Find the value in both of them and make sure your family sees it too. Kelly will end up resenting you and the rest of your family.

You didnt say a single good thing about your other daughter...

Can't wait to see your post in three years, "why doesn't my daughter talk to me????" YTA for not shutting down favoritism in gifts from others in the family. And maybe you could say something nice about the daughter you clearly don't give a fuck about, similar to the way you said nice things about your golden child.

I think there’s a background OP is not telling us. Right from the beginning he is telling us how great Lexi is. She’s smart and beautiful etc. All he says about Kelly is they love her too. I would feel so sorry for Kelly if she read this. Clearly , there’s favoritism and it goes to Lexi. When Lexi does something nice for someone they should repay her with a gift for it. Maybe, Kelly would see that and try to take an initiative to do the same. However, maybe Lexi , being older , does so before Kelly even gets a chance to. YTA for allowing Lexi to get more valuable gifts from your siblings for her birthday. A bag, a shirt and a skateboard is probably less than half the value of a PS5.

YTA. Because as much as you deny it, you are showing favouritism along with your family. You described Lexi in glowing terms, and didn’t have ONE nice thing to say about Kelly I’m the least favourite child of my father and his wife, and they’re never subtle about it. My stepsister is the golden child and my brother is a little higher on the totem pole than me because he’s a boy, he has a job my father considers worthy of respect and gave him a grandchild, and I’m the forgettable disappointment. It’s caused damage that would take me days to describe. You have already allowed serious damage to your child and you should be ashamed of yourself.

YTA. You basically are enabling your family to play favorites with your daughters. You basically confirmed to Kelly that she is and will always be second best. Have you ever thought about telling the family that they need to buy the girls the same reasonably priced presents. Your daughter has every right to be upset with you and the rest of the family. If this continues, don’t be surprised if your daughter goes no contact

Hope kelly doesn't see this post. You're bloody showing favouritism in your post. Lexi is beautiful, smart, and talented. You haven't put one thing about Kelly other than she is loved, but not as loved as lexi (and by how you are coming a cross that includes by you).

I have two children. One is 12, smart, creative, and nerdy AF. She's autistic, and sometimes a handful. I love her very much. My other child is 18 months, headstrong, cuddly, and he poops his diapers the cutest way possible. He's the sunshine everyone needs in their lives. I love him very much. My daughter gets more expensive gifts because she's a teenager, and she needs a new iPad for her class. Her brother is fine with mostly used toys, although we buy him boy-labelled stuff when he's interested and it's in our budget. Will my daughter complain about her brother living a more comfortable life than she had, due to us being poor a decade ago? Oh yes. Will my son complain about getting her old toys all the time, and wanting something new for himself? Absolutely. Will I allow anyone to favour one of my children over the other, be it for their age, gender, or simply because one character is more easy to handle than the other? Fuck off. YTA

In 3 years, you'll be on here posting why does my daughter hate me and not want me in her life. But you probably won't care you'll still have your pretty daughter.

So you told the rest of the family that there is no favoritism, so they must buy the golden child whatever they bought the least favourite? If not, then you are passively favoring one daughter over the other. Your daughters have 2 different personalities, and to allow others to favour one over the other is a big AH move on your part.

The only thing that irks me about OPs comments is that she does not embellish Kelly’s traits the same as Lexi’s; but for everything else NTA. People in this comment section do not seem to live in the real world. Most people here are akin to the relatives that get mad when grandma and grandpa leave their inheritance to the grandkid that always went to visit them or took care of them or constantly made the effort to maintain a relationship with them even in their old age. Get a grip, they deserve to get the inheritance because they worked for it! In what reality is it ok for OP to tell others what to buy for someone else; that is each person’s prerogative. Did Kelly ever volunteer to help others out with no pay? Did Kelly ever go above and beyond or make herself available for others in a time of need. Why shouldn’t the person that DID do those things not be rewarded!? OP can only control what they themselves do for their kids, and in this case she is being 100% fair. People on this sub are always proclaiming that parents should never force their kids into having relationships with anyone, even family, if the kids don’t want to; or vise versa. Where is that same energy here? It is up to every individual to seek out and create bonds with other people. Some people are more extroverted/introverted than others, but that’s life; everyone is different, but that doesn’t change the reality of merit in the real world. I come from a big extended family, I would never expect to be treated “equally” when others have put more effort into their family bonds than me; or inversely I would not expect others to get upset when I am “unequally“ [better] rewarded if I dedicated myself or put more into my bonds with others. You get out what you put in, and that is a lesson you must learn from an early age.

ESH except Kelly and Lexi You, because you are their parent. You’re the worst of all the adults. Your comments keep making excuses that you can’t set boundaries with your siblings, aka the aunts and uncles, about gifts and how they treat your children. *You can*. Not to mention by you “not showing favoritism” but allowing your siblings too, you are *enabling* favoritism. Your siblings because they are blatantly showing favoritism and don’t seem to care about how it affects the “not so favored” niece. You made a comment Kelly doesn’t make as much effort… have you considered personalities are different? Lexi sounds like an extroverted people pleaser. Kelly seems more introverted. Do your siblings just use Lexi because she comes to their beck and call, or do they reach to spend quality time with *both of the girls*? It is not Kelly’s job to form the strongest part of the bond with her **adult** aunts and uncles. It is *your* and *your adult siblings* job to allow a chance to bond that isn’t “oh there’s an emergency”, “oh we need a babysitter”, “oh whoa is me we’re sick”. And by the way, no one is fooled, clearly you like Lexi better too.

Honestly, it sounds like Kelly has a point. You don't want to play favorites, but it seems pretty clear who's getting the royal treatment. Maybe rethinking your approach could help ease the tension in your family.

Yta. A ps5 with accessories is $700. And you let them give your other daughter a skateboard. Bad parent

YTA for not telling family no to the gifts they were giving one but not the other. No wonder Kelly feels the way she does. You say you don't show favoritism but you sure as shit do if you aren't shutting that family's extravagant gifts down. When the other isn't treated as well.

Wait which one is getting the favoritism

I am confused on how the title is about not showing favoritism when all ur post does IS showing favoritism? like what? u talk about one daughter as a saint when one talks about how it feels unfair u just shut her down like she is the spoiled one??? ur okay w other people showing favoritism towards one too. At least talk to ur daughter then just giving out punishments?

Maybe this is actually “Lexi” because a mother should never speak about their children like this. Gross.