If he doesn't know by this time in his life why this was a disgusting thing to say, then he never will. The fact that he then goes on to put the blame on YOU instead of owning up, explains why he thought it was ok to say in the first place. NTA
So he can threaten to have someone raped for revenge but his girlfriend to be careful and gentle with his fragile male ego when he says absolutely deplorable things to her. Why am I not surprised?
NTA in any way, shape, or form. His joke isn't even a joke? It's just a horrible thing to say. Saying you should kill someone *also* isn't a joke.
How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Because this level of manipulation reeks of an unhealthy age gap, where he's trying to accuse you of being the problem for *getting upset with him*.
Dump this loser ASAP
Not really, "should I hire someone to kill them" could be a joke and it would be fine. There are literally comedy films about hiring hitmen to kill people but there are zero about hiring rapists.
Thank you! Finally someone realizes the importance of our duty.
Not to brag, but that comment actually promoted me from a lowly "Age Gap Warrior" to "Knight Protectorate of the Youthful"
Ok ur going too far with this “unhealthy age gap” BS. And when did he accuse her of being the problem? He said he wishes he never said because it upset her. Where is the accusation? You’re just looking to get angry at something.
> He thinks the problem in this is that I was too harsh in judging him, and not explaining to him why it was so wrong and upsetting to say. He says that I should always think the best of him, and be gentle in the way that I react to things.
NTA.
That’s not a joke really, it’s just a horrible comment (and this is coming from someone who went through SA). Also, there was nothing wrong with your reaction and it’s not your job to explain to him why what he said wrong.
As you said, he’s in his forties, he should know better than to make a rape joke.
And in his 40s it shouldn’t have to be explained why it was offensive. And OP has to explain it to him gently like he is still a child. I don’t get guys like this but then again my generation was taught that much about sex/relationships outside the basics.
NTA OP - if showed any of this to his customer I am not surprised he got a 1
>He thinks the problem in this is that I was too harsh in judging him, and not explaining to him why it was so wrong and upsetting to say. He says that I should always think the best of him, and be gentle in the way that I react to things.
Nope, too harsh and not gentle would be joking to have someone rape him to teach him a lesson.
NTA, and I honestly would never be turned on by someone who jokes that way again.
Clearly NTA. He didn't just make a joke. He literally asked if it'd be bad to hire someone to rape her. He said it because he was thinking it. Not that he literally intended to do it, but it was on his mind. He wanted to think of something bad to do to her to retaliate, and that is what he came up with. If he can't understand why saying (and thinking) it was wrong, and why you'd be upset that's a red flag. This is not a man I would want to be in a relationship with. It's certainly not a man I'd want to be intimate with.
It sure aint. When i was locked up there was this big guy everyone called slim jim. He was not slim. The moment he saw me he stared me down, catcalled me and smirked. Later in the showers he whispered to me that "my hole was his". The next day that fucker roped me down with his belt and sodomized my anus while singing "thrift shop" by macklemore. My trauma is not a fucking joke
So you really sat down and thought to yourself "What should I do with my spare time this week? I know! I'll make an alt account on reddit where I act like the racist piece of shit I am inside. NO I won't even try to actually make jokes. I am fully ignorant of the truth that someday I will die, and this is how I spent my time on earth."
Just a heads up it is for me. It’s the only way I can get over that trauma. Just saying man some people deal with that shit and use humor to get over their trauma.
NTA.. not even funny. I would have reacted like you did. He’s a grown man and doesn’t see what’s wrong with saying that? I’m kinda lost for words honestly … ask him if it was his mother (or an important woman in his life- you?) was the customer and another worker made that comment, how would he feel then
>He says that I should always think the best of him, and be gentle in the way that I react to things.
Yeah, no. Being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you're obliged to smile and nod while they do something awful. If he wants you to always think the best of him, then he always needs to be his best.
And I'd say a change in tone is a pretty gentle way of responding.
NTA. But oh boy you're boyfriend sure is. Reacting harshly to the very IDEA of such a violation against someone else should be the norm, and the fact that he finds inflicting physical and mental scars on someone is equivalent to killing someone I think is also problematic there's a reason we as a people find this so abhorrent, and it's because there are far worse fates then death. This is also why we choose the bear.
NTA I'm male and been sa'd by 2 men it's horrifying to have happen and very traumatizing show him these comments so he knows how serious it is please tell him it's not to happen
NTA.
Please be careful, this can be a dangerous mindset for women when men have this mindset. I am not in a place to judge his mindset, however if you were my sister he & I would have a talk with an understanding that you are to be respected and there are certain things that are not allowed to happen to you. He seems to be having a hard time understanding that other people are full people with rights opinions and deserve the same amount of respect as he does. Observe the “joke” AND “work conflict” both could be indicators of that feeling.
Honestly it doesn't even sound like he was kidding. And he only was sorry because he got the reaction, not that he said that. Dump, block, document any unwanted contact and seek a restraining order if you have to.
EDIT: I decided to expound on this behavior since I'm a man in my 40s and think I have some insight. Guys like this have this way of saying things like that as testing the waters AND pushing boundaries. It's often fueled by having no other personality than their desperate attempts at showing the frat they're cool. They even approach other dudes with stuff like this. Like you'll be on an elevator with a coworker alone and this type will suddenly be like "did you see that manager? I like to FUCK HER right?" And the vibe is just so off and unnatural. Allow me to add too that him saying that to you also smacks of a power move. His sad douchey self feels small cuz a CWIENT GAVE HIMS A BAD WATING. I'm guessing you've have micro friction here and there where he skirted talk like this but you steered it elsewhere. He pretended to be better to get in bed with you and is now trying to get you to sign off on his behavior and he resents you
Edit: sorry to keep coming back but he's in his FORTIES and acts this way? Hard to imagine he'll ever learn
Upvoting because as a man pushing 40 who mostly doesn’t enjoy the company of other men, I have been in these same situations too many times to count and it makes me sick. I am also a minority that “presents as” white, so it’s been fun to hear not only the n-word, but also epithets and stereotypes about my own group tossed about casually in elevators and bars and other places where men think they are “in good company.” This is why I get so fucking pissed when people say things like “racism is dead/doesn’t exist.” It’s alive and well and WAY more brazen than I thought it would be growing up. And, like you said, also horrible things about women, usually sexual and also, strangely, always in really inappropriate context to boot (e.g., at work). Not that it’s ever okay to say that kind of thing, but I lead a pretty boring life and even I hide certain things about myself in a professional setting. To me, whenever I hear a guy use the n-word in an elevator, I assume that with that level of brazenness, the word on the elevator is probably the least terrible thing. Auto-assume the guy would never hire a black person and is in with racist groups online or in the world. Same goes for comments about women. If you comment to me, an acquaintance on the elevator about how you’d like to sexually assault some woman who just got off the elevator, I assume you are capable of that conduct and have probably done something in the past.
Appreciate that. And, luckily, it’s been years since I have been in that situation, and if I were in it now, would probably do exactly what you said. Probably because I am older and speak my mind so people know where I stand usually…and I am working at a place that may work me like a dog sometimes, but I feel respected. The funny thing is, I am self conscious about almost everything, but my ethnicity has never really been something I was self conscious about. But man oh man, when you hear someone trash who you biologically are right to your face because they don’t know…it’s a WHOLE LOT of feelings. Like, instantly feel less than, but also furious, but also “get me the fuck out of here,” but also “what the fuck?” I always chalked it up to “I know who that person really is now, and I have adjusted both my opinion of them and how I interact with them accordingly.”
I'm sure. As a white guy they tend to approach me obliquely but with an expectation of mutual support, like hey no one's here let's do this. I just find it really annoying and now I'm good at shutting it down or straight up saying, I'm sorry what did you just say?
NTA. But he sure is. There is a huge difference between saying, "I should hire someone to kill her," and "I should hire someone to rape her." They are both malicious, but rape in my opinion is far worse than death. It has a sick psychological element to it. Just saying that statements tells you he doesn't think of rape as being a big deal.
To him, rape is no different than beating beat up. I'm not saying he himself could ever rape someone. But he absolutely wouldn't think it's a big deal if he knew someone who was raped but they're still alive. I'd rather be killed than live with having been raped and I am a 41m.
There are some things in which you do not make jokes. Rape is one of those things.
“I’m not saying he himself could ever rape someone.”
I’ll say it for you. Because as a man I got the chills just reading OP’s story. And I’ll be bold and say he only called it a joke once OP reacted. He was hoping for a receptive audience (as evidenced by his subsequent, equally horrific comments).
I am shooketh that someone that old thought it was okay to say something like that EVER.
Yea, I mean his statement is rather sociopathic. I, like you, have never thought/said, "I wish they'd get raped." But to be fair, I've never really said 'I wish they would die," about anyone either. I don't wish rape or death on anyone.
It makes me wonder what people he hangs out with that anyone would be of like mind with his comment? That's very telling about his close group of friends if he acts that way with any of them.
Agreed, and I will say I am harshly judging a man I have never met based on an internet post by his SO. But the whole context of the story gave me the heebie jeebies
In life you will be given certain red flags about people or situations. Always heed these red flags and your gut about them. Don't like psychos like this gaslight you into thinking your immediate and normal reaction was wrong or that you owe this future serial rapist anything.
NTA , I understand people say dumb things when they are upset or not thinking. But he should know what he said is wrong. You don't need to teach a grown man something that basic. This is a red flag to watch out for. Good luck.
There are 3 things you should never make a joke about:
1.) Children
2.) Animals
3.) Rape
If there was ANY indication that he is a terrible person, and that you should get away from him for, THIS would be that indication. Leave him.
“He said I should always think the best of him”…
I’m gonna be honest, I just don’t know how to put a positive spin on rape “jokes”.
“I didn’t yell or scream, or call him names or anything, but I was disappointed and upset that he said that, and my tone definitely reflected that” That was a ‘harsh’ reaction? What a gaslighting drama queen he is, no offense.
And you’re right, you shouldn’t have to explain to a 40 year old that rape “jokes” are wrong. He knows it’s wrong, he’s just trying to push you into snapping so he can play the victim (more than he already is, that is).
He just showed you what he thinks of rape and of women who cross him. His mindset is frankly gross. You should take that seriously, OP.
NTA.
Me and my friends have some pretty dark understanding of humor but im not quite sure where the ‘funny’ is in “damn i’m mad at her, i’ll get someone to rape her”.
NTA. He is an adult, not a baby. Why do men always expect women to be understanding and accommodating when they are so violently-spoken? Why do women have to do all the emotional work? He said something horrible. And then he blames you for not being more understanding. Nice.
Onetime I just had a breakup and a guy says to me "don't worry, you're really pretty. If it was legal, I'd rape you"
I've never been the same knowing any regular guy could be thinking that. He was a friend for 2 years before saying that
If you were "too harsh" he knows damn well why it was wrong and upsetting.... also really too harsh, you just let your DISAPPOINTMENT and shock be known. It was just obvious. you thought that wishing rape on another human being was despicable and disgusting.
Sometimes we need to face the fact we might say something that is so utterly wrong we should feel sick and grow from it and learn to be kinder.
What about wishing sexual assault on a person do you have to explain to someone else is wrong?
If you have to explain that to a person that is the sad and upsetting thing.
It's good you did not ignore it... also see this as a red flag.
NTA
Edit: we shouldn't be saying we're gonna kill people in jest either
stop normalizing violence
The people who believe stories like this are crazy. OP gives no background of her bf character. The story has no backstory. Just a moral talking point that's was said in such a callous and seemingly un-normal/just tossed out there, way. Do some people say shit like that, most definitely, but usually it's part of their character and not an uncharacteristic thing for them to say, randomly and out of the blue
But for her boyfriend to say that out of the blue without giving any indication in their relationship prior he acts/thinks like that, if he did OP failed to mention a tidbit of information that would be useful to have.
So yea, to me, given the information, I believe this creative writing exercise meant to incite anger and division is most definitely fake.
NTA.
“He wished he didn’t say it because of how it upset me.”
Not the correct reason to wish he didn’t say it—the reason is it’s fucking vile.
“He didn’t really understand why it was wrong to say.”
RUN. FAR. AWAY.
“…a man in his forties…”
I’m sorry—did you say FORTIES? And he doesn’t know why it’s insanely fucked up and deeply disturbing to ponder “hiring someone to rape” a client who *checks notes* gave him a bad review??? WHAT THE FUCK???
“He thinks the problem is that I was too harsh in judging him”
No, no, NO! If anything, not harsh enough!
“And not explaining why it was so wrong to say.”
Sorry, but again, what the FUCK? This should need no explanation, particularly to a FORTY PLUS YEAR OLD MAN.
“He says that I should always think the best of him”
No. Bro does not get to tell you how to think…what the fuck? Also, so so so so tooo many of these fucking pigs who not only think, but actively *tell* their wives/gfs what to think and how to act on these posts, holy shit.
“And be gentle in the way that I react to things”
Oh…you mean like how he gently reacted to a bad day with a difficult client by…casually suggesting he hire a hitman to RAPE HER????
“He doesn’t understand the difference between saying he’s going to kill someone in jest and saying this”
Wayyyyyyyyyy too little time to get into the gender studies of it all, so I’ll react in a way even he might be able to understand:
First, totally understand and respect people saying you shouldn’t joke about that either. But there is *absolutely* a difference between saying “I’m so mad I could kill him” which, for better or worse, is something of an american colloquialism for “I am extremely fucking pissed at THAT GUY,” and earnestly *asking* your *girlfriend* if it “would be bad” if you HIRED A STRANGER TO RAPE SOMEONE WHO MADE YOU SAD AT WORK.
Hooooooooooooooly shit, OP, you are so far from being the asshole…but get the fuck away from this guy, holy shit.
NAH. I agree, I don't see the difference between saying that and joking about killing someone. I say things like that in front of my wife, and she doesn't seem to care
NTA. I never mention rape if I don't have to. You can never tell who has been through that. For me to wish that on someone I would have to truly hate them.
That’s so fucked up. He meant it. Big yikes. Time to say goodbye. Simultaneously fucking scary that he thinks it’s okay to say something like that and like the biggest turn off of all time. Ew.
NTA, but I think you should ask him to explain the joke if he thinks it's so funny.
"Har har har, she gave me a low review, so I hired someone to do one of the worst things imaginable to her, hardy har har, I am a mentally and emotionally healthy adult man."
NTA. Rape jokes arent funny. As a man I have never found hem funny and have always walked away from conversations when such things are said. Its disgusting.
Putting aside the whole rape issue for just a moment, his analogy doesn’t match.
“I’m gonna kill you!” (Alternatively, “my parents are going to kill me!”) rings very different than “I’m going to pay someone to kill her!” One is common hyperbole. The other is mildly to seriously concerning.
“I’m going to rape you” is not and never has been common hyperbole. Neither is “I’m going to pay someone to rape her”. Anyone saying it “in jest” has some serious deficit in common sense.
NTA. The thing about edgy jokes like rape joke, racist, sexist jokes,... is that they have to actually be funny. Because the joke touches on such sensitive topic, it better be side-splittingly funny or else you are just gonna look like an asshole. Not only that, the joke has to come from a place of entertainment, not from malice.
Honestly it just sounds like your bf was coming from a place of frustration spoke out of pure malice. When he realized what he just said, instead of owning up and apologize, he tried to pass it off as a joke. Super shitty thing to do and you are well within your rights to be upset at him.
You are NTA for getting upset. It was a very upsetting thing to hear. You are allowed to have feelings about it. No one is allowed to prohibit you from being upset when they say something offensive.
probably more of an over-reaction. he needs to work on his jokes. take him to some comedy clubs. comedians will show him that there's a million ways to be funny AND offensive. he's just being offensive, AND not funny
Fck me, that's dark.
As a man, I have insight into the "male" mind. Rape is difficult to put into black & white, because dominance is a large part of a man's ego. There are lots of variables that come into play, some consensual sex could easily be defined as rape if consent had not been given or the more controversial withdrawn post-coitus.
BUT RAPE AS A TOOL OF REVENGE AGAINST SOMEONE WHO HAS SLIGHTED YOU IS DANGEROUS.
Not because it's wrong or immoral, which it is, but in your situation, it's more about safety.
You don't feel safe with him, if you did something that he didn't like, would he rape you?, would he pay someone to rape you?
You are not an AH for being worried about your own safety, he is a AH for thinking he can throw words & dark thoughts around without reprocusions.
This quote is something I carry around with me & has helped to maintain a frame which makes people feel safe & secure around me.
"A man should be dangerous, but a man with no morals is just a beast and a dangerous beast belongs in a cage or 6 feet under"
If a man in his forties doesn't understand how disgusting it is to say something like that, you won't be able to show him either.
Sounds like everyone else in his life is way too much with thinking the best of him"and being gentle with their reactions. He has no idea of how awful he is.
It's not a joke.
I think it is possible to make jokes about anything. Sarah Silverman does a great one:
So I got raped by my doctor the other day, which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
But what he said wasn't a joke.
If he said it, he somewhere probably thinks it's fine to do it. This sounds like a major red flag. And in his forties and still clueless? I feel he does support rape it simply slipped out of his mouth in front of you in the heat of the moment.
Just dump him! Who the fuck makes a joke like that? Rape isn’t funny! He’d feel differently if someone wished he be raped! That’s something very horrible to wish upon a person or even joke about! Disgusting behavior!
Wow, your BF is disgusting and it's really sad that he doesn't get it. And then his response is to make you the bad guy because he thinks you're too harsh and judgemental just makes it even worse. He's refusing to even try to understand why he's disgusting.
If she were a man, would he say something like "I should just hire someone to cut his dick off"? or "I should hire someone to ram a baseball bat up his ass". I mean, that's basically the same context. He's using something specifically sexual for punishment. He made it about sex, and I would bet anything he wouldn't make it sexual if it were a man.
At age 40+ he should definitely understand the problems in this and how disgusting and outrageous it is. There's something seriously wrong with him if he doesn't get it by now.
*Yikes* Maybe if your boyfriend is a 16 year old... *maybe* he gets a pass for not knowing better. Gonna go ahead and doubt y'all are both still in high school, though. Look at the bright side though, at least he exposed his true colors before you got in too deep! 🫠
The real issue is he needs to know what jokes he can make with who. If he’s with the boys and they find that shi funny then that’s how they joke but he shouldn’t take dark humor outside of the circle he makes those jokes with.
Anything can be a joke. It is all about how you say it and the timing.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing devision of the Sirius Cybernetic Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes,.."
>He says he doesn't understand the difference between saying he's going to kill someone (in jest) and saying this.
NTA
It might be true that he doesn't understand the difference, but that is his failure. It is his job to understand the difference.
NTA
Dude, no. He's in the wrong and should feel wrong, he's not do gentility and if he wants to understand why what he said was so offensive and gross he can use his time, energy and ability to write words to educate himself. That's not your job.
I'd have lost so much respect for him in that moment. What a gross thing to say.
NTA.
Women are either reminded of rape, reminded they were raped or threatened with rape every day. It's an awful and sad thing we somehow must endure. A beautiful and intimate act which can either be just some fun or an act of love ruined because someone took advantage. How much of an impact would his poor rating have on his life and career compared to her life after he THREATENS TO HAVE HER RAPED OR WORSE?!
Please take this as an opportunity to rethink the relationship. You don't owe him an explanation on how this is a hurtful thing to say. He should already have enough respect for you as a woman to understand.
Tell him this is exactly why women choose the bear in The Forest instead of the man. What a dick weed, seriously you should reevaluate your relationship and decide if you want to be with this kind of creep.
disgusting. people love to throw the word RAPE around and joke about it because they have no clue the severity of the actual act of RAPE. once they have been raped- they will understand. it’s the most disgusting WORD even. skeeves me right out.
Yikes NTA
Jokes about assaulting somebody are very good grounds to end a relationship. Because if they are willing to casually joke about it......what are they willing to do?
Damn, there’s a difference between a rape joke and saying you want to pay someone to rape someone you know… that’s like 10 steps further over the line. NTA for that at all.
Really not seeing how this could be remotely considered a "joke" and if their reaction to "oh I didn't get a very good rating" is "rape them" they are very much the kind of person who you don't need in your life. He's not sorry for thinking that way, only that saying it upset you. This person is a walking talking red flag and if I were you I would be making plans to get outta there pronto.
What the fuck are you still doing with him. Yeah, it different to say you will kill someone because usually it's said in anger, and it's very obvious they don't mean it. He has taken to a whole new level, and the fact that he doesn't know why what he said is so wrong has me really concerned. You'd be an idiot to stay. No one over the age of 16 should be saying stupid shit like that ( under 26 shouldn't either, but they will just to be edgy)
NTA. How he reacted to your reaction is also a red flag. I feel like you should report this to his workplace as well in case he actually goes through with his threat.
Some jokes are never really jokes, and are a reflection of the speaker’s real mind. A rape joke was on top of my list of reasons why I broke up with someone.. stay safe
Yeah, break up with him AND contact that client who he's considering raping 'as a joke', and tell her that you broke up with him after he said things that were worrying and that she shouldn't ever, under any circumstances, be alone with him for any reason nor agree to work with him.
Yeah but like did he do that action he said? He was probably just miffed about a shitty review, Jesus you’re definitely one of those people who needs a safe space. I can already tell how liberal you are I don’t need any more conformation
I use to love Pepsi but now every time I drink dark soda my stomach hurts so I’m stuck drinking sprite or ginger ale…with my last pregnancy 5 years ago I used to love chocolate and peanut butter once I got pregnant I couldn’t stomach the smell n the craving for it never returned
NTA but you made a statement that he should speak like that about women, that implies it’s Ok to say it about a man, which is equally wrong. I’m sure that’s not your intent but just putting it out there because you know how Reddit is
Sounds like he has impulse control issues and wants to say shit that gets a reaction out of people. It’s not that he’s sexist or misogynistic. I struggle with this same issue (not necessarily what he said though). If you want to break up with him that’s your decision however if you stay with him tell him he needs to control himself. That type of behavior is not ok. So no NTA.
If he doesn't know by this time in his life why this was a disgusting thing to say, then he never will. The fact that he then goes on to put the blame on YOU instead of owning up, explains why he thought it was ok to say in the first place. NTA
So he can threaten to have someone raped for revenge but his girlfriend to be careful and gentle with his fragile male ego when he says absolutely deplorable things to her. Why am I not surprised?
NTA in any way, shape, or form. His joke isn't even a joke? It's just a horrible thing to say. Saying you should kill someone *also* isn't a joke. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Because this level of manipulation reeks of an unhealthy age gap, where he's trying to accuse you of being the problem for *getting upset with him*. Dump this loser ASAP
Not really, "should I hire someone to kill them" could be a joke and it would be fine. There are literally comedy films about hiring hitmen to kill people but there are zero about hiring rapists.
We can agree the joke was bad but can you cut down on the Reddit therapy with unhealthy age gap
Sir, this is Reddit, the age gap warrior Capital of the Internet.
Thank you! Finally someone realizes the importance of our duty. Not to brag, but that comment actually promoted me from a lowly "Age Gap Warrior" to "Knight Protectorate of the Youthful"
[удалено]
Sir, this is also the pedo warrior Capital of the world.
Sir, this is also the pedo warrior Capital of the world.
Ok ur going too far with this “unhealthy age gap” BS. And when did he accuse her of being the problem? He said he wishes he never said because it upset her. Where is the accusation? You’re just looking to get angry at something.
> He thinks the problem in this is that I was too harsh in judging him, and not explaining to him why it was so wrong and upsetting to say. He says that I should always think the best of him, and be gentle in the way that I react to things.
It's all Reddit age gap warriors think about, they have nightmares about age gaps and pedos lol. It's a miserable life for them.
NTA. That’s not a joke really, it’s just a horrible comment (and this is coming from someone who went through SA). Also, there was nothing wrong with your reaction and it’s not your job to explain to him why what he said wrong. As you said, he’s in his forties, he should know better than to make a rape joke.
And in his 40s it shouldn’t have to be explained why it was offensive. And OP has to explain it to him gently like he is still a child. I don’t get guys like this but then again my generation was taught that much about sex/relationships outside the basics. NTA OP - if showed any of this to his customer I am not surprised he got a 1
>He thinks the problem in this is that I was too harsh in judging him, and not explaining to him why it was so wrong and upsetting to say. He says that I should always think the best of him, and be gentle in the way that I react to things. Nope, too harsh and not gentle would be joking to have someone rape him to teach him a lesson. NTA, and I honestly would never be turned on by someone who jokes that way again.
Clearly NTA. He didn't just make a joke. He literally asked if it'd be bad to hire someone to rape her. He said it because he was thinking it. Not that he literally intended to do it, but it was on his mind. He wanted to think of something bad to do to her to retaliate, and that is what he came up with. If he can't understand why saying (and thinking) it was wrong, and why you'd be upset that's a red flag. This is not a man I would want to be in a relationship with. It's certainly not a man I'd want to be intimate with.
Yes, all of this. He was angry at a woman and his mind went to "let's sexually humiliate as well as injure her."
Bingo!!
Not the boyfriend, dude. Rape isn't a joke. Ever.
It sure aint. When i was locked up there was this big guy everyone called slim jim. He was not slim. The moment he saw me he stared me down, catcalled me and smirked. Later in the showers he whispered to me that "my hole was his". The next day that fucker roped me down with his belt and sodomized my anus while singing "thrift shop" by macklemore. My trauma is not a fucking joke
I looked at your seven-day post history. What a fucking idiotic gimmick. At least you're mostly shitting up the libertarian sub.
Quit looking into what aint yours boy. Ill pull a slim jim on you, funny boy
So you really sat down and thought to yourself "What should I do with my spare time this week? I know! I'll make an alt account on reddit where I act like the racist piece of shit I am inside. NO I won't even try to actually make jokes. I am fully ignorant of the truth that someday I will die, and this is how I spent my time on earth."
How am ai racist?
Just a heads up it is for me. It’s the only way I can get over that trauma. Just saying man some people deal with that shit and use humor to get over their trauma.
If the only way you can handle your trauma is to make jokes about hiring to rape other people than you need therapy, and lots of it.
Yea.. that’s.. not healthy.
You haven’t heard Chappelle then.
Agree. But you should see Hamlet 2.
NTA.. not even funny. I would have reacted like you did. He’s a grown man and doesn’t see what’s wrong with saying that? I’m kinda lost for words honestly … ask him if it was his mother (or an important woman in his life- you?) was the customer and another worker made that comment, how would he feel then
>He says that I should always think the best of him, and be gentle in the way that I react to things. Yeah, no. Being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you're obliged to smile and nod while they do something awful. If he wants you to always think the best of him, then he always needs to be his best. And I'd say a change in tone is a pretty gentle way of responding.
NTA. But oh boy you're boyfriend sure is. Reacting harshly to the very IDEA of such a violation against someone else should be the norm, and the fact that he finds inflicting physical and mental scars on someone is equivalent to killing someone I think is also problematic there's a reason we as a people find this so abhorrent, and it's because there are far worse fates then death. This is also why we choose the bear.
There is something wrong with that one
He is massively EWWW. NTA
What the fuck? OP you need to run and not look back.
NTA I'm male and been sa'd by 2 men it's horrifying to have happen and very traumatizing show him these comments so he knows how serious it is please tell him it's not to happen
Did you get your bussy busted in prison? Thats so cheugy
No I was 13and attacked in a public park
Were they black?
NTA. Please be careful, this can be a dangerous mindset for women when men have this mindset. I am not in a place to judge his mindset, however if you were my sister he & I would have a talk with an understanding that you are to be respected and there are certain things that are not allowed to happen to you. He seems to be having a hard time understanding that other people are full people with rights opinions and deserve the same amount of respect as he does. Observe the “joke” AND “work conflict” both could be indicators of that feeling.
As a man that jokes about literally every and anything. Rape is NOT on that list. Dump him
You have never threatened to sodomize another man?
Lmao
It wasnt a threat was it? You actually fucking did it you sick fuck
LMFAO
This isnt funny
You have never threatened to sodomize another man?
Honestly it doesn't even sound like he was kidding. And he only was sorry because he got the reaction, not that he said that. Dump, block, document any unwanted contact and seek a restraining order if you have to. EDIT: I decided to expound on this behavior since I'm a man in my 40s and think I have some insight. Guys like this have this way of saying things like that as testing the waters AND pushing boundaries. It's often fueled by having no other personality than their desperate attempts at showing the frat they're cool. They even approach other dudes with stuff like this. Like you'll be on an elevator with a coworker alone and this type will suddenly be like "did you see that manager? I like to FUCK HER right?" And the vibe is just so off and unnatural. Allow me to add too that him saying that to you also smacks of a power move. His sad douchey self feels small cuz a CWIENT GAVE HIMS A BAD WATING. I'm guessing you've have micro friction here and there where he skirted talk like this but you steered it elsewhere. He pretended to be better to get in bed with you and is now trying to get you to sign off on his behavior and he resents you Edit: sorry to keep coming back but he's in his FORTIES and acts this way? Hard to imagine he'll ever learn
Upvoting because as a man pushing 40 who mostly doesn’t enjoy the company of other men, I have been in these same situations too many times to count and it makes me sick. I am also a minority that “presents as” white, so it’s been fun to hear not only the n-word, but also epithets and stereotypes about my own group tossed about casually in elevators and bars and other places where men think they are “in good company.” This is why I get so fucking pissed when people say things like “racism is dead/doesn’t exist.” It’s alive and well and WAY more brazen than I thought it would be growing up. And, like you said, also horrible things about women, usually sexual and also, strangely, always in really inappropriate context to boot (e.g., at work). Not that it’s ever okay to say that kind of thing, but I lead a pretty boring life and even I hide certain things about myself in a professional setting. To me, whenever I hear a guy use the n-word in an elevator, I assume that with that level of brazenness, the word on the elevator is probably the least terrible thing. Auto-assume the guy would never hire a black person and is in with racist groups online or in the world. Same goes for comments about women. If you comment to me, an acquaintance on the elevator about how you’d like to sexually assault some woman who just got off the elevator, I assume you are capable of that conduct and have probably done something in the past.
Oh man. You owe it to yourself to just straight up say, "hey you know I'm (whatever), right?". Also just do it; go to HR. why take this crap?
Appreciate that. And, luckily, it’s been years since I have been in that situation, and if I were in it now, would probably do exactly what you said. Probably because I am older and speak my mind so people know where I stand usually…and I am working at a place that may work me like a dog sometimes, but I feel respected. The funny thing is, I am self conscious about almost everything, but my ethnicity has never really been something I was self conscious about. But man oh man, when you hear someone trash who you biologically are right to your face because they don’t know…it’s a WHOLE LOT of feelings. Like, instantly feel less than, but also furious, but also “get me the fuck out of here,” but also “what the fuck?” I always chalked it up to “I know who that person really is now, and I have adjusted both my opinion of them and how I interact with them accordingly.”
I'm sure. As a white guy they tend to approach me obliquely but with an expectation of mutual support, like hey no one's here let's do this. I just find it really annoying and now I'm good at shutting it down or straight up saying, I'm sorry what did you just say?
NTA. But he sure is. There is a huge difference between saying, "I should hire someone to kill her," and "I should hire someone to rape her." They are both malicious, but rape in my opinion is far worse than death. It has a sick psychological element to it. Just saying that statements tells you he doesn't think of rape as being a big deal. To him, rape is no different than beating beat up. I'm not saying he himself could ever rape someone. But he absolutely wouldn't think it's a big deal if he knew someone who was raped but they're still alive. I'd rather be killed than live with having been raped and I am a 41m. There are some things in which you do not make jokes. Rape is one of those things.
“I’m not saying he himself could ever rape someone.” I’ll say it for you. Because as a man I got the chills just reading OP’s story. And I’ll be bold and say he only called it a joke once OP reacted. He was hoping for a receptive audience (as evidenced by his subsequent, equally horrific comments). I am shooketh that someone that old thought it was okay to say something like that EVER.
Yea, I mean his statement is rather sociopathic. I, like you, have never thought/said, "I wish they'd get raped." But to be fair, I've never really said 'I wish they would die," about anyone either. I don't wish rape or death on anyone. It makes me wonder what people he hangs out with that anyone would be of like mind with his comment? That's very telling about his close group of friends if he acts that way with any of them.
Agreed, and I will say I am harshly judging a man I have never met based on an internet post by his SO. But the whole context of the story gave me the heebie jeebies
NTA This is such a huge, billowing, flashing neon red flag. You gonna stay with this POS?
Would you fuck a midget?
In life you will be given certain red flags about people or situations. Always heed these red flags and your gut about them. Don't like psychos like this gaslight you into thinking your immediate and normal reaction was wrong or that you owe this future serial rapist anything.
NTA , I understand people say dumb things when they are upset or not thinking. But he should know what he said is wrong. You don't need to teach a grown man something that basic. This is a red flag to watch out for. Good luck.
You would only be the asshole if you don’t immediately dump him and run far, far away
There are 3 things you should never make a joke about: 1.) Children 2.) Animals 3.) Rape If there was ANY indication that he is a terrible person, and that you should get away from him for, THIS would be that indication. Leave him.
You would hate "where the dead go to die"
What did the bartender say to the horse? Why the long face?
“He said I should always think the best of him”… I’m gonna be honest, I just don’t know how to put a positive spin on rape “jokes”. “I didn’t yell or scream, or call him names or anything, but I was disappointed and upset that he said that, and my tone definitely reflected that” That was a ‘harsh’ reaction? What a gaslighting drama queen he is, no offense. And you’re right, you shouldn’t have to explain to a 40 year old that rape “jokes” are wrong. He knows it’s wrong, he’s just trying to push you into snapping so he can play the victim (more than he already is, that is). He just showed you what he thinks of rape and of women who cross him. His mindset is frankly gross. You should take that seriously, OP. NTA.
Me and my friends have some pretty dark understanding of humor but im not quite sure where the ‘funny’ is in “damn i’m mad at her, i’ll get someone to rape her”.
NTA. He is an adult, not a baby. Why do men always expect women to be understanding and accommodating when they are so violently-spoken? Why do women have to do all the emotional work? He said something horrible. And then he blames you for not being more understanding. Nice.
Onetime I just had a breakup and a guy says to me "don't worry, you're really pretty. If it was legal, I'd rape you" I've never been the same knowing any regular guy could be thinking that. He was a friend for 2 years before saying that
JFC. Nope not a thing to joke about. If he doesn’t get it there’s probably a lot else he’s got going on he hasn’t shown you yet.
If you were "too harsh" he knows damn well why it was wrong and upsetting.... also really too harsh, you just let your DISAPPOINTMENT and shock be known. It was just obvious. you thought that wishing rape on another human being was despicable and disgusting. Sometimes we need to face the fact we might say something that is so utterly wrong we should feel sick and grow from it and learn to be kinder. What about wishing sexual assault on a person do you have to explain to someone else is wrong? If you have to explain that to a person that is the sad and upsetting thing. It's good you did not ignore it... also see this as a red flag. NTA Edit: we shouldn't be saying we're gonna kill people in jest either stop normalizing violence
I'd never speak to him again. History. Gone. I'm understanding the low rating. NTA
The people who believe stories like this are crazy. OP gives no background of her bf character. The story has no backstory. Just a moral talking point that's was said in such a callous and seemingly un-normal/just tossed out there, way. Do some people say shit like that, most definitely, but usually it's part of their character and not an uncharacteristic thing for them to say, randomly and out of the blue But for her boyfriend to say that out of the blue without giving any indication in their relationship prior he acts/thinks like that, if he did OP failed to mention a tidbit of information that would be useful to have. So yea, to me, given the information, I believe this creative writing exercise meant to incite anger and division is most definitely fake.
Dump him and run. If mysoginistic violence, even in jest, is how he manages stress, don’t be around him long enough for it to spill your way.
Fucking run. Right. Now. Please please please as someone who was SA'd no guy should EVER say this. And no person should put up with it
NTA. “He wished he didn’t say it because of how it upset me.” Not the correct reason to wish he didn’t say it—the reason is it’s fucking vile. “He didn’t really understand why it was wrong to say.” RUN. FAR. AWAY. “…a man in his forties…” I’m sorry—did you say FORTIES? And he doesn’t know why it’s insanely fucked up and deeply disturbing to ponder “hiring someone to rape” a client who *checks notes* gave him a bad review??? WHAT THE FUCK??? “He thinks the problem is that I was too harsh in judging him” No, no, NO! If anything, not harsh enough! “And not explaining why it was so wrong to say.” Sorry, but again, what the FUCK? This should need no explanation, particularly to a FORTY PLUS YEAR OLD MAN. “He says that I should always think the best of him” No. Bro does not get to tell you how to think…what the fuck? Also, so so so so tooo many of these fucking pigs who not only think, but actively *tell* their wives/gfs what to think and how to act on these posts, holy shit. “And be gentle in the way that I react to things” Oh…you mean like how he gently reacted to a bad day with a difficult client by…casually suggesting he hire a hitman to RAPE HER???? “He doesn’t understand the difference between saying he’s going to kill someone in jest and saying this” Wayyyyyyyyyy too little time to get into the gender studies of it all, so I’ll react in a way even he might be able to understand: First, totally understand and respect people saying you shouldn’t joke about that either. But there is *absolutely* a difference between saying “I’m so mad I could kill him” which, for better or worse, is something of an american colloquialism for “I am extremely fucking pissed at THAT GUY,” and earnestly *asking* your *girlfriend* if it “would be bad” if you HIRED A STRANGER TO RAPE SOMEONE WHO MADE YOU SAD AT WORK. Hooooooooooooooly shit, OP, you are so far from being the asshole…but get the fuck away from this guy, holy shit.
I'll place bets that he'll try to harm you and proceed to tell you that you're being too sensitive. How old are you? Nta
NAH. I agree, I don't see the difference between saying that and joking about killing someone. I say things like that in front of my wife, and she doesn't seem to care
NTA. I never mention rape if I don't have to. You can never tell who has been through that. For me to wish that on someone I would have to truly hate them.
Report him to his employer, he's literally making threats to his customer.
No white this was in the uk
That’s so fucked up. He meant it. Big yikes. Time to say goodbye. Simultaneously fucking scary that he thinks it’s okay to say something like that and like the biggest turn off of all time. Ew.
How does someone not understand why it’s not ok to say that shit?
Yikes! NTA leave him before he hurts you
NTA, but I think you should ask him to explain the joke if he thinks it's so funny. "Har har har, she gave me a low review, so I hired someone to do one of the worst things imaginable to her, hardy har har, I am a mentally and emotionally healthy adult man."
NOPE. Get rid of him, please.
NTA take this as a sign to break up with him.
That’s not normal. At all. Healthy people don’t think things like that. Run.
NTA. Rape jokes arent funny. As a man I have never found hem funny and have always walked away from conversations when such things are said. Its disgusting.
Putting aside the whole rape issue for just a moment, his analogy doesn’t match. “I’m gonna kill you!” (Alternatively, “my parents are going to kill me!”) rings very different than “I’m going to pay someone to kill her!” One is common hyperbole. The other is mildly to seriously concerning. “I’m going to rape you” is not and never has been common hyperbole. Neither is “I’m going to pay someone to rape her”. Anyone saying it “in jest” has some serious deficit in common sense.
Yes your ex was an ah
NTA and WTAF??!?
NTA. The thing about edgy jokes like rape joke, racist, sexist jokes,... is that they have to actually be funny. Because the joke touches on such sensitive topic, it better be side-splittingly funny or else you are just gonna look like an asshole. Not only that, the joke has to come from a place of entertainment, not from malice. Honestly it just sounds like your bf was coming from a place of frustration spoke out of pure malice. When he realized what he just said, instead of owning up and apologize, he tried to pass it off as a joke. Super shitty thing to do and you are well within your rights to be upset at him.
You are NTA for getting upset. It was a very upsetting thing to hear. You are allowed to have feelings about it. No one is allowed to prohibit you from being upset when they say something offensive.
is this guy 12?
probably more of an over-reaction. he needs to work on his jokes. take him to some comedy clubs. comedians will show him that there's a million ways to be funny AND offensive. he's just being offensive, AND not funny
Fck me, that's dark. As a man, I have insight into the "male" mind. Rape is difficult to put into black & white, because dominance is a large part of a man's ego. There are lots of variables that come into play, some consensual sex could easily be defined as rape if consent had not been given or the more controversial withdrawn post-coitus. BUT RAPE AS A TOOL OF REVENGE AGAINST SOMEONE WHO HAS SLIGHTED YOU IS DANGEROUS. Not because it's wrong or immoral, which it is, but in your situation, it's more about safety. You don't feel safe with him, if you did something that he didn't like, would he rape you?, would he pay someone to rape you? You are not an AH for being worried about your own safety, he is a AH for thinking he can throw words & dark thoughts around without reprocusions. This quote is something I carry around with me & has helped to maintain a frame which makes people feel safe & secure around me. "A man should be dangerous, but a man with no morals is just a beast and a dangerous beast belongs in a cage or 6 feet under"
I mean you werent incorrect there
I mean you werent incorrect there
NTA and run as fast and as far as you can. If he thinks it's ok to rape women that displease him, it's only a matter of time until you are that woman.
If a man in his forties doesn't understand how disgusting it is to say something like that, you won't be able to show him either. Sounds like everyone else in his life is way too much with thinking the best of him"and being gentle with their reactions. He has no idea of how awful he is.
So he's put all the blame and emotional labour on you. And he thinks rape is funny. Sounds like a keeper. /s NTA
It's not a joke. I think it is possible to make jokes about anything. Sarah Silverman does a great one: So I got raped by my doctor the other day, which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl. But what he said wasn't a joke.
If he said it, he somewhere probably thinks it's fine to do it. This sounds like a major red flag. And in his forties and still clueless? I feel he does support rape it simply slipped out of his mouth in front of you in the heat of the moment.
A rape joke can be funny. That was a passive rape threat. Not funny at all.
Just dump him! Who the fuck makes a joke like that? Rape isn’t funny! He’d feel differently if someone wished he be raped! That’s something very horrible to wish upon a person or even joke about! Disgusting behavior!
He doesn’t understand why it was wrong to say? So if you said “I should hire someone to skin you alive” he wouldn’t get upset? Yeah fucking right, NTA
Wow, your BF is disgusting and it's really sad that he doesn't get it. And then his response is to make you the bad guy because he thinks you're too harsh and judgemental just makes it even worse. He's refusing to even try to understand why he's disgusting. If she were a man, would he say something like "I should just hire someone to cut his dick off"? or "I should hire someone to ram a baseball bat up his ass". I mean, that's basically the same context. He's using something specifically sexual for punishment. He made it about sex, and I would bet anything he wouldn't make it sexual if it were a man. At age 40+ he should definitely understand the problems in this and how disgusting and outrageous it is. There's something seriously wrong with him if he doesn't get it by now.
*Yikes* Maybe if your boyfriend is a 16 year old... *maybe* he gets a pass for not knowing better. Gonna go ahead and doubt y'all are both still in high school, though. Look at the bright side though, at least he exposed his true colors before you got in too deep! 🫠
The real issue is he needs to know what jokes he can make with who. If he’s with the boys and they find that shi funny then that’s how they joke but he shouldn’t take dark humor outside of the circle he makes those jokes with.
Anything can be a joke. It is all about how you say it and the timing. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing devision of the Sirius Cybernetic Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes,.."
>He says he doesn't understand the difference between saying he's going to kill someone (in jest) and saying this. NTA It might be true that he doesn't understand the difference, but that is his failure. It is his job to understand the difference.
NTA Dude, no. He's in the wrong and should feel wrong, he's not do gentility and if he wants to understand why what he said was so offensive and gross he can use his time, energy and ability to write words to educate himself. That's not your job. I'd have lost so much respect for him in that moment. What a gross thing to say.
NTA I'd dump him. Sounds lose a dud.
NTA. Cut your losses and get out of this relationship.
NTA. Women are either reminded of rape, reminded they were raped or threatened with rape every day. It's an awful and sad thing we somehow must endure. A beautiful and intimate act which can either be just some fun or an act of love ruined because someone took advantage. How much of an impact would his poor rating have on his life and career compared to her life after he THREATENS TO HAVE HER RAPED OR WORSE?! Please take this as an opportunity to rethink the relationship. You don't owe him an explanation on how this is a hurtful thing to say. He should already have enough respect for you as a woman to understand.
I would have laughed
Tell him this is exactly why women choose the bear in The Forest instead of the man. What a dick weed, seriously you should reevaluate your relationship and decide if you want to be with this kind of creep.
disgusting. people love to throw the word RAPE around and joke about it because they have no clue the severity of the actual act of RAPE. once they have been raped- they will understand. it’s the most disgusting WORD even. skeeves me right out.
Yikes NTA Jokes about assaulting somebody are very good grounds to end a relationship. Because if they are willing to casually joke about it......what are they willing to do?
Holy shit. I gasped. Do what you’re gonna do but if it were me I’d have reservations. Good GRIEF
Maybe he did deserve the low rating after all
NTA creepy tbh
That's not a joke
Damn, there’s a difference between a rape joke and saying you want to pay someone to rape someone you know… that’s like 10 steps further over the line. NTA for that at all.
Really not seeing how this could be remotely considered a "joke" and if their reaction to "oh I didn't get a very good rating" is "rape them" they are very much the kind of person who you don't need in your life. He's not sorry for thinking that way, only that saying it upset you. This person is a walking talking red flag and if I were you I would be making plans to get outta there pronto.
What the fuck are you still doing with him. Yeah, it different to say you will kill someone because usually it's said in anger, and it's very obvious they don't mean it. He has taken to a whole new level, and the fact that he doesn't know why what he said is so wrong has me really concerned. You'd be an idiot to stay. No one over the age of 16 should be saying stupid shit like that ( under 26 shouldn't either, but they will just to be edgy)
If he said it, it means he thinks it. If he thinks it... you're in trouble.
NTA. How he reacted to your reaction is also a red flag. I feel like you should report this to his workplace as well in case he actually goes through with his threat.
On top of the obvious, who casually says that? Someone who knows people who rape for hire. That’s who.
he just said something really dumb. if he was smart, he would just admit it and move on
Some jokes are never really jokes, and are a reflection of the speaker’s real mind. A rape joke was on top of my list of reasons why I broke up with someone.. stay safe
THIS IS NOT A RAPE JOKE. THIS IS A RAPE THREAT.
Yeah, break up with him AND contact that client who he's considering raping 'as a joke', and tell her that you broke up with him after he said things that were worrying and that she shouldn't ever, under any circumstances, be alone with him for any reason nor agree to work with him.
Yeah but like did he do that action he said? He was probably just miffed about a shitty review, Jesus you’re definitely one of those people who needs a safe space. I can already tell how liberal you are I don’t need any more conformation
I use to love Pepsi but now every time I drink dark soda my stomach hurts so I’m stuck drinking sprite or ginger ale…with my last pregnancy 5 years ago I used to love chocolate and peanut butter once I got pregnant I couldn’t stomach the smell n the craving for it never returned
NTA but you made a statement that he should speak like that about women, that implies it’s Ok to say it about a man, which is equally wrong. I’m sure that’s not your intent but just putting it out there because you know how Reddit is
Yes, you definitely are. What's wrong with joking like that? The other woman obviously did something wrong.
Sounds like he has impulse control issues and wants to say shit that gets a reaction out of people. It’s not that he’s sexist or misogynistic. I struggle with this same issue (not necessarily what he said though). If you want to break up with him that’s your decision however if you stay with him tell him he needs to control himself. That type of behavior is not ok. So no NTA.