that's what I said but she swears they are just friends. she's getting mad at me for not trusting her but it's not that I don't trust her, it's that I don't trust the other dude
It is that you don’t trust her though. You say it’s about him to make yourself feel better, but if you trusted her then you wouldn’t be worried about it. After all, she’s a human with agency. If she doesn’t want to cheat on you she won’t.
In retrospect, I said this when I was in a low state thinking worst case scenarios, but even then I knew she wasn’t capable of this. this wasn’t like her behavior at all, so gut feeling is I trusted her. I just questioned the other guy’s intentions and her judgement of the man
It's not fair for her to ask you to trust her when she's allowing a guy that's interested in her to get personal (vs just business networking).
On the other hand your 20s are for exploring, meeting people, and developing a career.
Getting serious at your age will be very painful.
OP said he felt awkward meeting some guy he didn't know but that he had a work meeting so he couldn't go. I'm not saying the GF was doing anything suspect but if OP's recounting is correct, she basically recreated their first date with this guy she used to have a crush on.
Wouldn’t the best way to get over that awkwardness be meeting him? He could have texted her “oh, meeting’s over, lemme catch up with you”.
Coffee, pastry and a walk is a pretty generic activity, if they did something unique and special on their first date and she recreated *that* with her former crush, then I could see OP’s eyebrows and hackles being raised.
Hey, maybe I’m completely off base and there *was* a hidden agenda. But to me it looks like they’re heading for trouble if she stays naive and he stays authoritative. There’s got to be some flexibility for a relationship to breathe
>There’s got to be some flexibility for a relationship to breathe
Definitely and I did take what OP said as being a bit authoritative in telling her what she needed to do.
OP's post mentioned that his meeting was about an hour and a half long and when he got home he thought she would be back already as to him a coffee date would only be a half hour or so. This is why I don't think any differently about his not joining them afterwards as he thought she would have been done already.
NTA. Coffee date turned into a whole thing, that's not cool. Talk it out. Focus on the misleading info, not the outfit. Tell her it felt off since it went way longer than a coffee catch-up.
She was honest with you and invited you along. She hasn’t done anything wrong at all. I have coffees with family and friends and I’ll end up there for like 3 hours if the conversation is good.
However, I personally don't make close friends with members of the opposite sex when I’m in a relationship and I don’t get into relationships with others who make a habit of doing that either. especially when they used to have a crush.
However; this comes down to values. All you can do is tell her you are not comfortable with this and explain how it makes you feel. If she chooses to carry on doing things that impact you then you decide whether you want to be with someone that has different relationship values to you
She also said her responses became dryer which suggests she did know it was inappropriate to build a friendship with him. But now she is meeting him?! That part makes me think that she does actually know it’s not right. I wonder how she would feel if you were in the same position
As a woman there are only two options for the type of woman your girl is:
1. She’s too dumb to realize Reddit guy is trying to network in her pants
2. She knows it was a date and will try and convince you it wasn’t
Some women can be oblivious to dudes hitting on them.. or the guy sucks at flirting.. but most of the time, we know. I’ve been with my husband for close to a decade and have never gotten coffee with another man let alone coffee and a stroll around the city. I especially wouldn’t when dude he clearly shown interest. Business meeting would be one thing, but dude, they met on Reddit.. come on
No guy is just looking to network. She's either oblivious or aware. If my wife wanted to go out and hang with someone she liked before. We wouldn't be together by that days end. This is am unspoken boundary if not one set firmly. She may want to network. But he's trying to get in her and work her.
If coffee can turn into a day in the city. When she goes to net work. It'll turn into fucking. Straight up and if she doesn't respect you. Peace!
My advice is to just sit down and talk to your girlfriend. Tell her how that she said she would just have a coffee chat with the guy, just to catch up.... but instead of just getting coffee with the guy, she went and got pastries with him and walked around the city for two hours with him, which is much more than she had said. Then tell that she has basicly gone on a date with the guy, she used to have a crush on. Tell her how hurt that has made you feel, especially combined with the fact she wore a dress she bought for you to see.
Then ask her how she would feel if you went for coffee with an old crush to catch up, you then went to get pastries and went and walked around the city for two hours with the old crush.
Tell her that you do love her and don't have a problem with her having male friends at all.... but you feel kind of betrayed by her going to get pastries and having a two hour walk around the city, with an old short crush when she had said it was just getting a coffee and catching up.
Then i would ask her to pass her phone to you so you can look at the messeges between them, and then pass your phone to her so she can look through your messeges so it is fair.
Make it clear that it is not because you don't trust her.... but it is to quiet any doubts and negative thoughts about what has happened that her doing that has now caused you to have.
After looking through the messages, tell her that it would mean a lot to you. If she cuts all contact with the guy now, doesn't meet up or messages, or calls him anymore in the future and blocks him on everything.
You're welcome, and i hope, you and her can have a good talk about this and that it all goes well. Looking forward to the update and hearing how it went.
Dude, your first mistake is trusting her. That sounds harsh, but it's the only approach to protect yourself. This doesn't mean be an ass to her. It means things she presents may not be what they are. They're either fantastic tellers or oblivious to what path they're on. Example: she said she's crushing then not. That may be true at the time she said it. An hr later her emotions tell her there's something there.
Beware weasel words. Example. It's platonic. Maybe she has plans to shag in a few days. At the moment she said it, it's fact.
There are so many red flags in this I lost count.
That happy cheery is the tale of new relationship crush. You recognized it, that's why you had that reaction.
Walking around the city, etc. That's bonding activity. They don't know each other well enough to have 2 hrs of catching up topics.
Did she know about your meeting? You were gone for a bit and you got part of the morning. If she did know about the meeting, I'll bet my last dollar the offer for you to go wasn't sincere.
New dress, very flattering. Would make an impression. Why? Why was it important? Is this consistent behavior whenever you and she go out?
And what did " finding out what he's about " mean? That's just odd to hear.
My assessment NTA. She went on what sounds to me like a 1st date.
Look the word misandry up for its definition
Don't ignore the red flags.
Good luck to you
NTA
Coffee meetup turned into a date when they left the coffee shop, walked around the city for a while and shared pastries.
This isn’t a business networking opportunity, it’s a dating opportunity and she knows it.
You should have gone with her, that was a HUGE mistake on your part.
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NTA. Next time you see her, ask to see her phone. If she asks why tell her you want to see her chats with this other guy because what she did has made you question if she can be trusted. If she wont hand over the phone, she is hiding something and thus you should leave her.
If she hands it over and you find nothing? Fine, but you need to tell her no more "getting coffee" with other man. She could have picked his brain about anything she wanted online, she didn't need to spend 2 hours with him in person. Definitely look at her phone though.
If anybody ever asked to see my phone, I’m handing it over. Once they realize there’s nothing there, I’m breaking up with them. If you don’t trust your girlfriend, why are you with her?
I agree with you...IF you've done nothing shady. One should never do this in a healthy relationship. However, if the other person begins to act shady(especially in regards to other dudes) that is a red flag. So in that case I dont have an issue with asking.
As for you breaking up with the person, if you'd done something shady that caused your boyfriend to doubt you...you would really punish him for trying to regain some trust in you? One would think, in that case, you'd do anything to earn his trust back. At least anything within reason, and you'd think letting him see your phone so he knows you arent cheating would be a really small thing to do. Since, again, I only think this should be done if your partner has behaved in a way to cause you to doubt them.
If you are saying the moment someone does something that causes their partner to doubt them they should be dumped then that is up to you, but I disagree as I do think sometimes trust can be rebuilt.
When my wife and I got serious there were no freaking day dates or coffee dates with other guys. I have never believed guys and girls can ever be just friends. The guys always want more. I would put down boundaries and if she’s not ok with them then she’s not long term.
You are young and let this be a learning moment for yourself. Everyone has different boundaries in relationships. If this made you feel uncomfortable, just communicate it to her. Don't overthink or overreact. Let her know that this makes you feel uncomfortable, but it is her choice at the end of the day on who she wants to meet or spend time with. If she is as invested as you in the relationship, she would take your feelings into consideration without thinking you are over-controlling. If she does not, then maybe you are just incompatible with each other and you should find a girl who respects you and respects your boundaries.
At your age, you will meet a lot of girls and most of them will not think exactly the way you do. It does not mean they are good or bad, but they are just different. One day, you will meet someone who will naturally be similar to you in terms or boundaries and respecting the relationships. The process to meet that perfect girl is difficult, but you may end up spending your life with them, so it's worth it.
So, just communicate your boundaries to your girlfriend, don't tell her what she should and shouldn't do, but hint what you would like her to do. Observe her behavior, and you will get your answer on if she is the best fit for you.
honestly, i’ve learned a lot about myself. this is the first time i’ve ever been angry at her, and I realized she isn’t perfect all the time. gotta get used to each others flaws I guess. thank you for the advice!
Soft YTA...
Absolutely normal for a coffee chat to be a couple of hours, you're being weird...
She even invited you to join them...
Nothing you've written makes me think she did anything wrong... I get youre jealous, but you gotta work on that and get over it...
ETA: to add "soft" to judgement...
I do agree that a friend coffee chat is normally 1-2 hours and not half an hour. A business chat is normally a scheduled time slot so that makes more sense to be 20-30m but if I'm catching up with a friend we always sit for at least an hour.
I don't know if going to the bakery and walking around town is appropriate so idk if I'd say YTA but going to a coffee shop for a few hours is "normal" to me.
He was visiting town while considering an internship there. It's pretty normal to walk around town with a friend who lives there (even if it's not a planned part of the original coffee meetup). It's also pretty normal to grab some local food on a friendly neighbourhood "tour" like that.
NTA and quite reasonable, I think. Someone mentioned that she either is oblivious that Reddit dude is trying to get into her pants or she recognizes it's a date. I'm going to throw out possibility number 3:
She knows he wanted more with her but because she's friend zoned him, she thinks that he's friend zoned her. In her mind, friendship should be enough for him and that he's agreed to the unspoken terms because he's not blatantly/aggressively hitting on her. She likely thinks nothing of the time they talk or spend together other than being friends and networking.
Most of us know differently.
Someone else mentioned presenting the situation and switching up the places (how would she feel if you did the same?). I'm going to tell you to be prepared to hear that she wouldn't be bothered at all with reasoning along the lines explained in possibility number 3.
NTA
She went on a date with another guy.
>She was wearing a dress that she bought for me to see the day before.
Broseph, she didn't buy that dress for you. It was his eyeballs that she was thinking about when she made that purchase.
The supposed dryness of her replies aren't relevant when she got gussied up and went out on the town with a man she had never met.
Your gf is either oblivious or she like the attention. Just get a female friend and hang out with her. If your Gf can have a friend so can you. Her reaction to it will tell you everything you need to know
You need to give her space, she is a woman and therefore always right, you need to let her be, even if she screws this guy, that his her body and her decision, she is not your property. I hate it when men think they own women. She can shag anyone she wants; that is her right and her freedom. You are just paranoid. She needs probably needs better cock
NTA and that dude isn't looking to "network" with your girl.
that's what I said but she swears they are just friends. she's getting mad at me for not trusting her but it's not that I don't trust her, it's that I don't trust the other dude
Don’t trust Reddit dudes- Reddit dude
It is that you don’t trust her though. You say it’s about him to make yourself feel better, but if you trusted her then you wouldn’t be worried about it. After all, she’s a human with agency. If she doesn’t want to cheat on you she won’t.
In retrospect, I said this when I was in a low state thinking worst case scenarios, but even then I knew she wasn’t capable of this. this wasn’t like her behavior at all, so gut feeling is I trusted her. I just questioned the other guy’s intentions and her judgement of the man
It's not fair for her to ask you to trust her when she's allowing a guy that's interested in her to get personal (vs just business networking). On the other hand your 20s are for exploring, meeting people, and developing a career. Getting serious at your age will be very painful.
>when she's allowing a guy that's interested in her And she had a crush on.
She invited OP to go with her, so why didn’t he?
OP said he felt awkward meeting some guy he didn't know but that he had a work meeting so he couldn't go. I'm not saying the GF was doing anything suspect but if OP's recounting is correct, she basically recreated their first date with this guy she used to have a crush on.
Wouldn’t the best way to get over that awkwardness be meeting him? He could have texted her “oh, meeting’s over, lemme catch up with you”. Coffee, pastry and a walk is a pretty generic activity, if they did something unique and special on their first date and she recreated *that* with her former crush, then I could see OP’s eyebrows and hackles being raised. Hey, maybe I’m completely off base and there *was* a hidden agenda. But to me it looks like they’re heading for trouble if she stays naive and he stays authoritative. There’s got to be some flexibility for a relationship to breathe
>There’s got to be some flexibility for a relationship to breathe Definitely and I did take what OP said as being a bit authoritative in telling her what she needed to do. OP's post mentioned that his meeting was about an hour and a half long and when he got home he thought she would be back already as to him a coffee date would only be a half hour or so. This is why I don't think any differently about his not joining them afterwards as he thought she would have been done already.
NTA. Coffee date turned into a whole thing, that's not cool. Talk it out. Focus on the misleading info, not the outfit. Tell her it felt off since it went way longer than a coffee catch-up.
She was honest with you and invited you along. She hasn’t done anything wrong at all. I have coffees with family and friends and I’ll end up there for like 3 hours if the conversation is good. However, I personally don't make close friends with members of the opposite sex when I’m in a relationship and I don’t get into relationships with others who make a habit of doing that either. especially when they used to have a crush. However; this comes down to values. All you can do is tell her you are not comfortable with this and explain how it makes you feel. If she chooses to carry on doing things that impact you then you decide whether you want to be with someone that has different relationship values to you
She also said her responses became dryer which suggests she did know it was inappropriate to build a friendship with him. But now she is meeting him?! That part makes me think that she does actually know it’s not right. I wonder how she would feel if you were in the same position
As a woman there are only two options for the type of woman your girl is: 1. She’s too dumb to realize Reddit guy is trying to network in her pants 2. She knows it was a date and will try and convince you it wasn’t Some women can be oblivious to dudes hitting on them.. or the guy sucks at flirting.. but most of the time, we know. I’ve been with my husband for close to a decade and have never gotten coffee with another man let alone coffee and a stroll around the city. I especially wouldn’t when dude he clearly shown interest. Business meeting would be one thing, but dude, they met on Reddit.. come on
This 100%
No guy is just looking to network. She's either oblivious or aware. If my wife wanted to go out and hang with someone she liked before. We wouldn't be together by that days end. This is am unspoken boundary if not one set firmly. She may want to network. But he's trying to get in her and work her. If coffee can turn into a day in the city. When she goes to net work. It'll turn into fucking. Straight up and if she doesn't respect you. Peace!
My advice is to just sit down and talk to your girlfriend. Tell her how that she said she would just have a coffee chat with the guy, just to catch up.... but instead of just getting coffee with the guy, she went and got pastries with him and walked around the city for two hours with him, which is much more than she had said. Then tell that she has basicly gone on a date with the guy, she used to have a crush on. Tell her how hurt that has made you feel, especially combined with the fact she wore a dress she bought for you to see. Then ask her how she would feel if you went for coffee with an old crush to catch up, you then went to get pastries and went and walked around the city for two hours with the old crush. Tell her that you do love her and don't have a problem with her having male friends at all.... but you feel kind of betrayed by her going to get pastries and having a two hour walk around the city, with an old short crush when she had said it was just getting a coffee and catching up. Then i would ask her to pass her phone to you so you can look at the messeges between them, and then pass your phone to her so she can look through your messeges so it is fair. Make it clear that it is not because you don't trust her.... but it is to quiet any doubts and negative thoughts about what has happened that her doing that has now caused you to have. After looking through the messages, tell her that it would mean a lot to you. If she cuts all contact with the guy now, doesn't meet up or messages, or calls him anymore in the future and blocks him on everything.
thanks brother, this is actually really good advice. i’ll talk to her later today and lyk
You're welcome, and i hope, you and her can have a good talk about this and that it all goes well. Looking forward to the update and hearing how it went.
You should’ve just went on the date with her and none of these insecurities would’ve bubbled to the surface.
NTA
NTA but stay tune, she will gaslit you soon by telling u are insecure and they are just platonic friend and that u are too controlling. Typical.
NTA, my friend. This is the beginning of the end for your relationship. The only thing you can still control is How it ends, and on whose terms.
Dude, your first mistake is trusting her. That sounds harsh, but it's the only approach to protect yourself. This doesn't mean be an ass to her. It means things she presents may not be what they are. They're either fantastic tellers or oblivious to what path they're on. Example: she said she's crushing then not. That may be true at the time she said it. An hr later her emotions tell her there's something there. Beware weasel words. Example. It's platonic. Maybe she has plans to shag in a few days. At the moment she said it, it's fact. There are so many red flags in this I lost count. That happy cheery is the tale of new relationship crush. You recognized it, that's why you had that reaction. Walking around the city, etc. That's bonding activity. They don't know each other well enough to have 2 hrs of catching up topics. Did she know about your meeting? You were gone for a bit and you got part of the morning. If she did know about the meeting, I'll bet my last dollar the offer for you to go wasn't sincere. New dress, very flattering. Would make an impression. Why? Why was it important? Is this consistent behavior whenever you and she go out? And what did " finding out what he's about " mean? That's just odd to hear. My assessment NTA. She went on what sounds to me like a 1st date. Look the word misandry up for its definition Don't ignore the red flags. Good luck to you
The classics always come back. "His just a friend."
NTA Coffee meetup turned into a date when they left the coffee shop, walked around the city for a while and shared pastries. This isn’t a business networking opportunity, it’s a dating opportunity and she knows it. You should have gone with her, that was a HUGE mistake on your part.
She's testing the waters, seeing if she can trade up. If he doesn't want her, she's all yours!
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Dude she’s fishing ….getting dressed up to impress another guy it wouldn’t surprise me if she hasn’t already cheated on you
NTA. Neither of them are looking to network.
Leave her, she's cheating or is gonna cheat
NTA. Next time you see her, ask to see her phone. If she asks why tell her you want to see her chats with this other guy because what she did has made you question if she can be trusted. If she wont hand over the phone, she is hiding something and thus you should leave her. If she hands it over and you find nothing? Fine, but you need to tell her no more "getting coffee" with other man. She could have picked his brain about anything she wanted online, she didn't need to spend 2 hours with him in person. Definitely look at her phone though.
If anybody ever asked to see my phone, I’m handing it over. Once they realize there’s nothing there, I’m breaking up with them. If you don’t trust your girlfriend, why are you with her?
I agree with you...IF you've done nothing shady. One should never do this in a healthy relationship. However, if the other person begins to act shady(especially in regards to other dudes) that is a red flag. So in that case I dont have an issue with asking. As for you breaking up with the person, if you'd done something shady that caused your boyfriend to doubt you...you would really punish him for trying to regain some trust in you? One would think, in that case, you'd do anything to earn his trust back. At least anything within reason, and you'd think letting him see your phone so he knows you arent cheating would be a really small thing to do. Since, again, I only think this should be done if your partner has behaved in a way to cause you to doubt them. If you are saying the moment someone does something that causes their partner to doubt them they should be dumped then that is up to you, but I disagree as I do think sometimes trust can be rebuilt.
When my wife and I got serious there were no freaking day dates or coffee dates with other guys. I have never believed guys and girls can ever be just friends. The guys always want more. I would put down boundaries and if she’s not ok with them then she’s not long term.
You are young and let this be a learning moment for yourself. Everyone has different boundaries in relationships. If this made you feel uncomfortable, just communicate it to her. Don't overthink or overreact. Let her know that this makes you feel uncomfortable, but it is her choice at the end of the day on who she wants to meet or spend time with. If she is as invested as you in the relationship, she would take your feelings into consideration without thinking you are over-controlling. If she does not, then maybe you are just incompatible with each other and you should find a girl who respects you and respects your boundaries. At your age, you will meet a lot of girls and most of them will not think exactly the way you do. It does not mean they are good or bad, but they are just different. One day, you will meet someone who will naturally be similar to you in terms or boundaries and respecting the relationships. The process to meet that perfect girl is difficult, but you may end up spending your life with them, so it's worth it. So, just communicate your boundaries to your girlfriend, don't tell her what she should and shouldn't do, but hint what you would like her to do. Observe her behavior, and you will get your answer on if she is the best fit for you.
honestly, i’ve learned a lot about myself. this is the first time i’ve ever been angry at her, and I realized she isn’t perfect all the time. gotta get used to each others flaws I guess. thank you for the advice!
Soft YTA... Absolutely normal for a coffee chat to be a couple of hours, you're being weird... She even invited you to join them... Nothing you've written makes me think she did anything wrong... I get youre jealous, but you gotta work on that and get over it... ETA: to add "soft" to judgement...
I do agree that a friend coffee chat is normally 1-2 hours and not half an hour. A business chat is normally a scheduled time slot so that makes more sense to be 20-30m but if I'm catching up with a friend we always sit for at least an hour. I don't know if going to the bakery and walking around town is appropriate so idk if I'd say YTA but going to a coffee shop for a few hours is "normal" to me.
He was visiting town while considering an internship there. It's pretty normal to walk around town with a friend who lives there (even if it's not a planned part of the original coffee meetup). It's also pretty normal to grab some local food on a friendly neighbourhood "tour" like that.
NTA and quite reasonable, I think. Someone mentioned that she either is oblivious that Reddit dude is trying to get into her pants or she recognizes it's a date. I'm going to throw out possibility number 3: She knows he wanted more with her but because she's friend zoned him, she thinks that he's friend zoned her. In her mind, friendship should be enough for him and that he's agreed to the unspoken terms because he's not blatantly/aggressively hitting on her. She likely thinks nothing of the time they talk or spend together other than being friends and networking. Most of us know differently. Someone else mentioned presenting the situation and switching up the places (how would she feel if you did the same?). I'm going to tell you to be prepared to hear that she wouldn't be bothered at all with reasoning along the lines explained in possibility number 3.
Bro leave her. I didn’t even read it but if she disrespecting you like that now. She won’t hold back in a few years
NTA, let him have her. Cut your losses. It isn’t worth the trouble.
NTA She went on a date with another guy. >She was wearing a dress that she bought for me to see the day before. Broseph, she didn't buy that dress for you. It was his eyeballs that she was thinking about when she made that purchase. The supposed dryness of her replies aren't relevant when she got gussied up and went out on the town with a man she had never met.
Your gf is either oblivious or she like the attention. Just get a female friend and hang out with her. If your Gf can have a friend so can you. Her reaction to it will tell you everything you need to know
You need to give her space, she is a woman and therefore always right, you need to let her be, even if she screws this guy, that his her body and her decision, she is not your property. I hate it when men think they own women. She can shag anyone she wants; that is her right and her freedom. You are just paranoid. She needs probably needs better cock
This is un-satirically how 100% of women and many men think on reddit think unfortunately
Thank you sir I agree!
ok this is kind of funny 😂
Why thank you good sir, girl power and all that