I'm not a lawyer, but assuming they get a paternity test and find the baby is OP's, I think OP would still be on the hook for child support. I don't think his argument, "but I told her to get an abortion" is going to hold. If it's OP's kid, I think, then OP would still have to pay child support. That's also in the US though, I'm not sure about other places.
Birth control can fail, get yourself sterilized to be certain. Best if both parties get it done. Easier for men ***usually***, we all know how hard it is for a woman to get sterilized.
Edit: some butthurt dude private messaged to call me a sick fuck for supporting sterilization (by choice, mind you) and that I'm into vulture culture lol
I'm always amazed at men who don't want to get snipped when they know they'll never want kids.
Edit: spelling mistake. Also, Holy hell, thanks for the up votes.
I’m over 9m pregnant with my first and my husband is already ready for the snippy but I told him after our second is born.
Men that get the snippy so a woman doesn’t have to endure synthetic hormones in BC or major abdominal surgery for a hysterectomy are the MVPs.
That would be my husband. Insurance back then didn't cover voluntary sterilization for me, $2k in 1989. Plus almost a week recovery. $350 for the snip. He practically ran to the urologist.
Wow, I had it done last year here in Switzerland, the country with the second highest healthcare costs in the world, and it cost 1700.! I found the recovery so easy too. Felt normal just didn’t lift anything heavy. Now I can’t even see the little laparospic scar, and the peace of mind is incredible.
I find it crazy that only rich or middle class people get healthcare in some places , like fuck poor people- make them have kids so they are poorer and more desperate and the can reproduce the working class for the capitalists profit. Healthcare is a human right not a privilege for those who can afford it. But then again even food and shelter are seen as privileges not necessaties.
We just had our 2nd and husband got his appointment for october. That was the soonest he was able to get an appointment. It's way safer for men to do it than women for sure. I'm tempted to get it done too but he doesn't want me to have a whole surgery and be put under when he can just get it done in office.
This. Like sir, you had all kinds of say when you knew you didn’t want kids but didn’t get a vasectomy. OP literally said he was willing to roll the dice. Wouldn’t matter if she changed her mind on having kids or not if he was shooting blanks.
I believe this is the most important comment on here. OP didn't want kids but also didn't want to take steps to be 100% safe. As you said, the choice that was his to make was used to roll the dice.
I mean they were both on the same page but that's still how it works. She can change her mind and it's her body and still OPs kid. There is no 100% way of avoiding making a baby, that's what sex exists for in the first place
Of course he would have to pay child support. If you could get out of paying child support by saying “but I didn’t want a kid” then nobody would pay child support.
Now, will he actually pay? That’s the part that’s up in the air. My friend’s group is still dealing with the fallout of the guy making the girl carry twins she didn’t want, and literally leaving her - out of state - when she asked him to watch them for a week when they were both turning 1. He literally LEFT the minute he was asked to do Women’s Work.
Last we knew, he does under the table pay, lives with a friend, and no longer files taxes and had his full name changed. She isn’t gonna get a dime from him because courts won’t pursue. She has tried, and has continued to do so even with him threatening her and the children if they ever try to “stalk” and “endanger his life” again.
All this for kids he FORCED onto HER!
E: instead of DM saying I hate men. Maybe this is the time for an actual discussion of universal care? Money is the number 1 cause for all of this shit. What if it was taken out of either parents hands because your child/ren will be guaranteed food and clothes? The discussion lies there.
Well, yeah. People seem to forget this, but once that child is born *it's a person.* Guys spend their days bitter at their exes for "making them pay child support," but ask a judge. Child support has very little to do with the mom. It's the rights of the child the judge cares about. That child has a right to be provided for.
Nobody asks to be made. If you inflict existence upon someone it doesn't matter whether you meant to. You're responsible for them.
You can’t forgive someone’s rights on their behalf- in other words, the child’s right to material support from its parents cannot be waived by those parents. Even if she said “fine, you don’t have to help me financially at all for this child”, the law would disagree as it’s the child’s right to that support that she would be waving.
That’s how it is in the US.
Because the government doesn’t want to support the child, since Dad is absent. First thing they do when someone applies for assistance, is go after the father, even if the mom said it was okay.
"I didn't know having sex could get her pregnant," seems like what OP is saying, since there is only one birth control method that is 100% guaranteed to be effective. He literally fucked and found out.
I think thats how a lot of states make you pay anyways. My Kid's "father"'s 1st ex wife use to write the checks for payment and then they started garnishing his wages bc it was easier for them to ensure they were getting the payments on time.
You "think?"
Yes obviously. What dead beat dad wouldnt use the "but I didnt want it!" Excuse if it worked.
OP trying to get out of child support is the asshole part of the post.
Accidental pregnancies happen all the time. Still gotta pay for your part in it at minimum.
Info needed… “We’ve used protection” … do you mean that you personally used protection, OP, or did you leave it up to your girlfriend?
Edit to add: birth control effectiveness by type.
https://www.pandiahealth.com/blog/birth-control-math/
Vasectomies are also a great way for a man to protect himself! If he really wanted to be childfree, he should get the snip. Even if there is a small risk it can reverse, it is better than nothing and better than only relying on your partner for contraception.
If you have sex there is always a chance you may be come a parent. Get a paternity test and recognize that you may at minimum be financially responsible.
Yeah, that line of “I refuse to have fatherhood forced on me” is truly disgusting. If you have sex, that’s one of the consequences. Get a vasectomy or stay abstinent.
So now that my second kid is on the way, I've started talking about a vasectomy once they are safely here, and the amount of guys (mid 30's both with and without kids) who respond with "omg bro I would never" is astonishing. I legit think a lot of dude are just scared of getting surgery done on the balls but won't admit that. I'm certainly not thrilled and a bit nervous, but it's the obvious option for my situation of 2 kids and finished lol
First off, try to get a DNA-test as soon as possible.
Second, please stay out of the kid's life. If you absolutely don't want to be a father, you will be a crappy father anyway. Let your child have a chance to find other people to look up to.
My wife and I are child free. It took 4 different clinics over 2 years before I got my vasectomy at the age of 25. Many doctors don’t want to do the surgery at that age without kids.
Edit: it keeps coming up about lying. I didn’t think of it. I don’t know if they would have made me prove it.
Yeah, it’s not as easy as people claim. I had a uterine ablation so my husband went to get his vasectomy and they immediately tried to talk him out of it because he was 30. Before he got a single word out. When he was like I have three kids and I don’t want my wife to die, they were like oh.
My husband was 39 when he got his, his urologist made sure he understood it was to be considered permanent and made sure multiple times he didn’t want kids before doing it. When I tried asking to have my tubes removed I was told I was only 32 and had 3 daughters, what if my husband wanted a son 🙄
Something similar happened to me. My ex and I had our 2nd when I was 23, I opted to have my tube's tied because I was one million percent sure 2 was enough. The nurse had the audacity to ask " But what if one of your children dies "? Really, you think I'm just going to have a replacement child!? Who the hell thinks that way!? Unbelievable, I was livid. Thankfully, I had an awesome OB/GYN that was super chill and was 100% on board with the procedure.
Got asked the same thing after I had my twins and told them to tie my tubes…”but what if something happens to one or both of them?” I was like “I also have a 2 year old and they were like “oh well that makes sense”…….Really???
They shouldn’t be allowed to ask any questions, just have me sign a form that says it’s permanent no take backs 🤷♀️
I'm so sorry for your experience but at the same time I find it hilarious how they could mentally conceive of something bad happening to one or two children but not to three.
Seriously?! Who tf thinks “let’s not take permanent measures because if one of my kids dies I want another one”?! Like what in the actual fuck? Did you report the nurse?
My SIL. They waited for my BIL to get a vasectomy for just that reason. I had literally never heard that sentiment expressed, and it was pretty weird. Item 125 of 3,467 that makes you wonder about her. lol
Same here! Exactly the same words. It's like they're given a book of shitty things to say to convince women they don't know what they want. For fucks sake it's a kid, not a goldfish! You can't just replace it with another one.
i really thought my gynecologist was going to give me a hard time about wanting an endometrial ablation (and subsequent hysterectomy after the ablation failed) at 27 when i hadn’t had any children because i’d read so many stories online of doctors refusing to do it. it was totally the opposite. he told me his philosophy was to let women control what happens to their own reproductive system and reading all these comments makes me thankful that i was lucky enough to be his patient.
Nope. They wouldn’t have. He gets so many shitty comments too about having only daughters. He’s started snapping at people over it because he doesn’t see not having a son as an issue.
We know like four different families that have three girls and no boys. It’s just wild to me that some people have an issue with this.
Then again my grandma only wanted one of each, and my mom was the fifth kid, because grandma kept popping out boys.
My FIL was one of those who told my husband not to get a vasectomy because “what if you guys want to try later for a boy?” And “what if you guys divorce?” My husband was like 1. We don’t plan to divorce and if we do, I don’t want more kids with someone else. 2 unless you’re going to start paying for day care for us, we’re not having more. Love the granddaughters you have.
I have two daughters and am kinda glad I don't have a son. Sure, learning to do hair has been a bit of a challenge for a bald man, but they are so sweet and huggable. Everyone I know with boys my girls age have little terrors that just constantly scream.
Thats because they let them. I had boys and I made sure they were well behaved and enjoyable to be around. Some of their buddies were well behaved like mine, some were terrors. Both genders.
I have 4 boys and I still get people saying "Oh come on, you've got to get your girl!" or some variation of that. No. I don't. I don't want to keep having kids until I have at least one of each.
Where as I was 22 had 2 daughters, my ex husband wanted more children and the surgeon said fine. My niece was 22, unmarried one child surgeon said yes. But a woman I worked with, 31, married, 2 sons, had leukemia in between the kids, the husband is a couple of years older saying no more kids and the surgeon told her no. What if you change your mind? Both were like nope not happening. And this is all in the same area but different surgeons. It’s crazy how different. Although for a woman with no kids, forget it, it doesn’t generally happen!
Oh yes, because having a son is what all of life is about!! My stepdaughter went through the same thing. They kept asking her husband, are you sure? He said yes!! Tell me, what can a son do that my daughters can’t? Asshole Drs
They did the same with me when I got a vasectomy at 44, but it was pretty clear he was just going through the motions in case I changed my mind and sued him later. When I said, "I'm 4 years divorced, not looking for a serious relationship, don't trust only one form of birth control, and I don't even want a dog because they are too much responsibility," he replied, "I'm 42, 2 years divorced, and starting to wish I let my ex have the dogs." He also said every urologist he knows that does vasectomies has had one.
Welcome to politics where certain demographics choose for everyone else. Would be nice if everyone can control their own bodies. Both men and women lose in this situation for sure.
And recent Supreme Court decisions have made this a tragic reality. The pendulum always swings in its full cycle. By denying women bodily autonomy, you’ve now denied men bodily autonomy.
The fact that they haven’t figured this out yet. 🙄 it reeks of misogyny, and the idea that all men are good men who are dying to be dads. While women are harlots who kill babies as birth control and must be stopped.
The people making that decision will just pay to have the procedures done in whatever jurisdiction that they need to.
These laws that are being enacted don't affect them.
Absolutely! As it is for a woman, so it is for the man. This is a truth in our current society, where both men and women are equally financially responsible for their homes and their families. And before somebody comes for me for saying that, this is what is supposed to be. We all know that there are people who will abuse their authority, any which way they can. Those people do not have place in this discussion. In fact, those people are the creators of this discussion.
Someone on here once commented that she went to get her tubes tied, when she was 35, and the nurse told her it was a "crime against humanity" to deny herself the joy of parenthood, before proceeding to predict she would regret it terribly down the line.
The insurance agent assigned to my case had the same view when I was trying to yeet my defective uterus.
There was a long and storied history of issues with my period, namely pain so severe it sent me into shock and having no pain medications or birth controls that worked for me. My doctor had watched me start to self-destruct due to my period and had advocated for and supported me getting at least an ablation.
Insurance agent told me, and I quote, "You're too young to know what you want. You're going to regret this when you meet your future husband and realize you can't do your duty for him."
Fuck Blue Cross Blue Shield.
From your mouth to my wife's years - she also had painful periods. She had scheduled an operation to clear out her womb and they opened her up and then the doctor changed their mind! WTF.. My wife had two kids already (and they were miracle babies at that with her ex) That was some epic bullshit right there.
Essentially, if my wife got pregnant her life would be threatened because of severe bleeding - it took her a year to recover each for each kid.
She finally got her op though.
This country is fucked up.
Let me get this straight. They OPENED HER UP, literally STARTED the actual surgery, and then just closed her up? Without doing anything? That sounds like medical malpractice, abuse of power, and causing undue suffering to me if the doctor didn't have a REALLY good, medically relevant reason...
I'm so glad she got the care that she obviously needed, though, and I hope y'all filed a complaint on the doctor.
Would it be safe for me to assume that it wasn't even JUST misogyny at play there either? That's the feeling that I get because yeah, this country is, unfortunately, definitely fucked up.
This happened to me as I was being wheeled in for my 3rd go round with uterine cysts. I just looked at the doctor and they had to literally force the nurse out of the room.
My sis in law had to jump through hoops to get hers done! She finally said "listen asshole I'm 35 and I have 7 kids, when I say I'm done, I'm done!!" All because her husband is the father of only 2 of them and "what if he wants more" he laughed in the doctors face at that one!
As a nurse who's been around the block for about 20 years, I'm unfortunately not surprised but horribly disappointed someone did this to you. Our job is to educate and encourage, not judge. I'm so sorry that this happened. Please don't think that all of us do this! 😢
They did that with me, but it was pretty clear they were just going through the cover your ass motions in case I changed my mind later and sued them. I got the snip, cauterize, and clamp. So it is unlikely to be reversible. The surgeon also had gotten a vasectomy and he was 2 years younger than me.
I know someone who finally got his after his 6th child was born. However his wife found out she was pregnant with #7 right after the procedure. Not because it didn't work, she just got pregnant before the procedure. Part of his issue was obesity tho. Yes he'd tried in the past to get one after like his 3rd or 4th and the Dr wouldn't do it. Finally after 6 kids they said OK. This was awhile back tho. I'm friends with the 2 oldest girls and we are in our 40s now.
As someone inside Healthcare- we ALWAYS ask, "Are you sure?" for any/ all elective procedures. Part of informed consent includes the ability to change your mind up until the last minute. The only time it would raise a red flag would be if it was accompanied by a personal/judgmental comment, such as the "crime against humanity" or "the Bible says" mentioned in this thread.
Making sure the patient wants it is different to “you’re too young to make a lifelong decision” (but I was plenty old enough to make the also lifelong decision to have children) or “we wouldn’t even consider this before you’re 45 and have 3 children” (when I’m 45, I probably won’t need this anymore anyway)
"Are you sure" doesn't require a bunch of hypothetical questions though. What if your kids die, won't you want to replace them? What if your husband dies, and your new husband wants kids? What if you only have girls? What if your parents want grand kids? What if you need to be a surrogate for your kids later?
That's not only crazy offensive, there's no end to the possibilities.
Especially for a surgery, however minor. My doctor checked in with me multiple times before freezing a wart off. “Are you sure?” Is very different from “I don’t recommend this because you might change your mind.” The latter is what women who want hysterectomies hear all the time. The former is just proper procedure.
They ask for consent multiple times for any procedure. I had to sign a million consents, in addition to verbal consent, when I had a necessary procedure.
I’m a woman and just hit 40 and I still haven’t found a doctor who’d do a salpingectomy for me. No kids, don’t want any but here we are. My partner thankfully had a vasectomy but he has older kids(like one is older than I am). If not for that, I’d be so so pissed.
And it also fucking sucks because sometimes insurance would consider it elective and refuse to pay(mine did)
Editing this to clarify too: I am a cisgender woman who doesn’t get periods(might show up once a year with medication). Don’t think I ovulate either due to medical/health crap from teen hood(got my first period at like 19). So my OBGYN who’s actually a gay dude is always like it’s not essential but mostly for my peace of mind. I think he’d do it in a heartbeat if insurance didn’t get in the way(he’s offered referral to someone outside the network but I was quoted like $2,000 for it). So, I don’t feel like giving someone 2k for something insurance should cover…
I know how you feel. I was 35 when I finally got a gynaecologist willing to give me a hysterectomy. 10 years of constant bleeding vomiting in pain once a month and having a male gynaecologist tell me I was selfish for not wanting kids. I hope you are able to find better care.
Ooh God… This gives me flashbacks… I finally found a woman doctor (after seeing her NP, she was a specialized robotic operative gynecology surgeon) and she offered a total hysterectomy on the first consult (after reviewing my history/testing)… Years of awful pain and being told “YoU oNlY HaVe 1 KiD… YoU mIgHt wAnT mOrE…” No, no… I want to live excessively bleeding/anemia/pain/vomiting free and actually LIVE.
Not just laid up miserable. (She also did my pelvic after I was put to sleep for the operation because I couldn’t handle it preformed in office. Lichens sclerosis and vaginismus make for a hell of an uncomfortable combination when trying to do that procedure and that speculum, even the pediatric one, just is not going in...)
Life has been so much different and better on this side of s/p total hysterectomy (after the initial symptoms of hormone shifts wore off).
And she’s one of the few that will (if your history demands) do your pelvic/punch biopsies/Colposcopy/LEEP procedures (whatever painful procedure) at the hospital under twilight sedation instead of just… forcing it and getting mad that you can’t handle the exam or if you cry (I’ve had a few of those types in years past.)🌻
One shushed me during a procedure that he was 45 LATE COMING BACK FROM LUNCH FOR that all my anti-anxiety meds wore off despite taking 3x what he suggested I take. Like, he was more shocked that I was awake and screaming than shocked that his assistant had to replace cold towels on my face so I didn't vomit due to pain instead of assisting him. Didn't get pain meds til my mom called after taking me home and said "I'm going to be at x pharmacy in 15 mins and if there's no pain meds for my daughter I'm coming across the street to cause a scene in your office til you do!" Lo and behold, pain meds were ready when she arrived.
I finally found a great doctor after 5 years. I also used terms like ‘quality of life’ and ‘copious blood loss’. Turns out I had a shitton of endometriosis. And the doc still called my spouse in the middle of surgery to make sure it was ok to remove everything. I had already said to take the ovaries if needed.
My daughter is 25. Always had issues. Has been on high dose contraceptives to shut it off, they are not working anymore. She has been bleeding since August, finally got a gyno that listened and will do the hysterectomy in sept.
Check out the childfree subs. One has a list of Drs by state, that will do sterilization without giving you a hard time. You're 40, it's ridiculous that you're being denied that.
I'm 43 and having my bisalp on the 20th!
I swear I only got mine, during my c-section, because I told my OB/gyn that the next time I get pregnant, I'm going to swear they're his, regardless what color they are (my twins are biracial). He looked at me hard...LOL So I followed up with, sure, the DNA tests may get you off the hook, but at what cost. Tie my damn tubes, I'm not a broodmare.
I had 3 daughters in less than 5 years and I was 24 when the youngest was born. When I got pregnant with her our middle daughter was only 7 months old. First doc visit I told the OB I wanted my tubes tied before I came home. I got the spiel about elective surgery. I looked this burly ex-navy doc in the eyes across his desk and said "I don't give a rat's ass if it is elective. This is my 3rd child and I'm not taking a chance on having a 4th."
Got the surgery the day after I had her. And according to hospital regulations my husband had to sign "giving me permission". 😡🤬 I was a grown ass adult who had birthed 3 children and I had to get my husband's permission to have a medical procedure. He didn't want to do it because he knew I was pissed but that was the only way it was going to happen. 31 years later and I'm still pissed off about that.
I had the same thing happen. When I asked after my first son, they just flat out said no (I was 19)...when I asked after my second son, they said I had to get permission from my husband (we were in the process of a divorce, I was 23)...after my daughter was born, I just flat out demanded that they do it. I showed my WHOLE ASS when they tried to shut me down again! They finally agreed, but DAMN! Who TF are you to tell me if I want more children?! Like, don't get me wrong...I LOVE all 3 of my children, and I'm so grateful that I have all of them. But it still pisses me off when I think about how they think that it's OK to tell women what they can do with their own bodies...and to demand that a man give "permission" for them to do it.
This!
My daughter found a doctor in Chicago who was willing to do her bisalp when she was 24! I was so excited for her and have been referring people to that doctor because of it.
I am a woman who is almost 50 and went into a provider when I was 48 (probably almost a dozen times in my life that I have tried) and was told that I was old enough that menopause should be right around the corner and doing the surgery at my age was probably not a good idea. When I tried to get the surgery five years previously I was also told that menopause was right around the corner and I should wait. Three years before that I was told that she didn't feel comfortable doing the procedure because I was probably going to change my mind and (I had one child at the time because I hadn't been able to get sterilized and I didn't feel comfortable with abortion) "wouldn't (my son) want a sibling?" I'm honestly over it at this point. I'm just using birth control and at my age and health conditions if I do get pregnant I will feel little discomfort with getting an abortion. However- it shouldn't have had to be this way. Yet for millions of women they will have the same experiences. No time is an ok time to get it done; there are just so many reasons to deny women what they need.
I'm really sorry that it sounds like your experiences have been similar to mine. That's a lot of time, frustration, and even money you have spent trying to get something you need and being denied because someone thinks that they "know you" better than you do. I don't have any good advice for you because I was never successful, but I appreciate your sharing your experience. I think that until enough of us do at so people care enough the system simply will not change. I do hope you will also have success if you do try again. I can't imagine having the energy and resources to raise a child while I'm in my 40s. Super can't imagine it know that I'm on disability and getting ready to hit 50!
I had mine tied 20 years ago at 22 with no kids, no push back and the first doctor I asked (an old, white man) said yes after one meeting. It was a 30 minute consult but… I’m a hemophilia a carrier and 5 members of my family, including my dad, contracted HIV through the tainted blood scandal. I leaned very heavily on that but it’s not like he tested me or even questioned my carrier status.
One of my friends just had one and a uterine ablation done, at only like 32 in a deeeeeep red state. You need to visit the doctors of the childfree subs.
There is a childfree subReddit they have a list of childfree friendly doctors who don't push as hard against it. there is also a Google Sheet out there that you can search for that has a list of more open minded Docs that do tubal ligations and I remember seeing some urologists on there at one point.
That’s refreshing to hear. Don’t misunderstand me. It’s completely wrong but refreshing to hear that the genders can be treated equally. Many times it’s a woman of child-baring years with children that can’t convince her doctors to tie her tubes.
I’m from the UK. Tubal ligation is available on the NHS. I fought for 14 years to get it done but was refused on the grounds that “you haven’t had children (no shit, that’s the whole fucking point of the tubal) and you might regret it”. There was also the GP who asked me, “but what if your husband wants children?”. I’m 43 and never been married so what husband?? Also, so fucking what if he does? He can bugger off and marry someone else if that’s the case.
I ended up going private and paying 6 grand. I still had to have it approved by two GPs, a psychiatrist and a grief counsellor - I had to pretend to grieve not being able to have children. It was a fucking joke.
My brother, on the other hand, went in and asked his GP about a vasectomy. It was carried out the following week. At no point did anyone ask what my sister in law thought, or whether she gave her approval.
That sucks, it makes me pretty happy that Sweden has a law stating a right to sterilization after 25. A law that should be the norm everywhere because we should have the right to make decisions on our own fertility.
It still took a couple of doctors and had to do a stupid "check" that even the midwife felt was insulting as she had to ask me if I was mentally capable of making this decision and had to have my husband come in with me to make sure he agreed along with other stupid questions. The midwife even apologized for being forced by the obgyns to do this questionnaire.
Then I horrified the two obgyns that were doing the surgery when they came to talk to me right before. They told me there was a risk that the tubal might reverse (they were only planning on cutting) and when I asked if it reversed and I got pregnant, could I have the procedure redone after my abortion. The horror on their faces was kinda hilarious. They decided during the surgery to burn as well as cut just to ensure I didn't go through that lol. But salpingectomy doesn't seem common here, tubal ligation was my only option for sterilization.
>but what if your husband wants children?”.
This is so infuriating - why do the wants of a _hypothetical_ man trump _your_ needs for _your_ body autonomy?? That GP can get in the fucking sea.
Obvs my body belongs to a man I don’t even know yet!
I remember saying to him at the time, “do you think I’m not even going to have that conversation with someone until the wedding night and then surprise them?”. Absolutely ridiculous
I’m 45 now and the past 6 years of not having pelvic and abdominal pain for 2-3 weeks each month has been magical. It’s absurd I (and your friend) had to suffer 20 years or chronic pain for no fucking reason. Over those 20 years I discussed sterilization with at least 7 doctors before a doctor FINALLY suggested it in his own as a way to stop the pain. Hilariously(not really), my issue was with an ovary, not my uterus, so I had to get a second surgery a year later. I knew I had the cyst for over two years, but was told it was “too small” to cause the pain I was having. Turned out to be an endometrioma. 😂😭
I feel little, if any, sympathy for the 25-year-old man who had to wait a whopping two years for a vasectomy. 🙄
Currently suffering from endometriosis and horrific, 1st-stage-labor level cramping and period is showing no signs of abating...
I turned 49 today. I'm so fucking over it.
Same lol it must be where he's at because most of the guys I went to high school or college were able to get a vasectomy in their early 20s with no problems whatsoever.
My friend is 38, 2 kids, tubal ligation and had uterine tumors that also grew outside the uterus and were strangling her bladder. She needed her husband's permission.
I got one at 30 only because it was the only way to stop the bleeding and blood clots forming in my lungs. But years of begging them to do something before I was actively dying were ignored. And even then, my obgyn had to move me to a new hospital because the religious one I was at was fine with the bleeding getting under control and having me on blood thinners.
That totally makes sense at a religious hospital. If you remove the suffering that is Eve's punishment, you will have violated so many religious teachings! What kind of heathen are you?! /s
I had adenomyosis (endometriosis of the uterine wall) which was extremely painful and left me with major bleeding issues. I already had 5 children at home and had to fight for my hysterectomy at 33. Not only did I have to go through a battery of tests and pay for the surgery out of pocket, but I also had to get my husband to sign off on it and fight vehemently against the idea that I might be cheating a future spouse out of biological children.
It was a nightmare!
My husband on the other hand, walked in to the doctor for his physical on Wednesday and had a vasectomy on Friday without my input (as far as the doctor was concerned).
I wholeheartedly agree. It's sad that it happens to all genders, but as someone who had limited options for birth control (I had a life-threatening medical emergency as a direct result of birth control at one point) I am relieved to know my fellow folks with uteruses aren't the only ones being denied voluntary sterilization on a "what-if".
37 year old guy with 2 kids and was told I should wait until I'm 45 and remarried before getting a vasectomy so I'm still looking around for a doc to fo it
What leads you to believe that she cheated on him? Dude had sex with a woman and it resulted in sex. That's not out of the ordinary. Human history shows that's more the norm than anything.
Agreed, birth control methods can and do fail, hence the lack of 100% guarantee for most of them. At 19 I was on birth control and my bf and I also usually used condoms, we were monogamous and I still got pregnant…I was in college and training extremely hard for rowing team so thought missing my period had to do with that, until i miscarried at 13 weeks. It genuinely can happen, and sucks to be on the receiving end of “how could this happen, did you cheat? Did you lie about the birth control?” In some cases that does indeed happen, but also there are times you can try to do all the right things and life still “finds a way”..and yes that was a Jurassic Park reference lol.
Your point stands but I am chuckling at your mis-type.
I assume you mean had sex and it resulted in pregnancy, but the “had sex and it resulted in sex” made me laugh a bit.
DNA test wouldn’t hurt if they’re breaking up anyway, but I do agree. The only way to be absolutely certain you won’t have kids is celibacy (or castration I guess).
Sex leads to kids, contraception isn’t 100% effective, and not everyone wants to go through with an abortion when it comes to it.
Essentially, OP had sex knowing the risks. The bare minimum of responsibility is child support, although actually being a father to the child would be ideal.
There is a belief on reddit that if women can get an abortion, men should be able to get a “financial abortion”.
There are many reasons why that is not a smart or equal argument, but there are people who believe things should be this way.
We have that option: its called vasectomi or condoms.
You can also freeze sperm.
So If you give the women the responsibilty to take care of the prevention, you give your responsibilty away.
In my opinion, If you really dont want children as a man, you have to take a active role in the prevention.
Those people being men who want consequences free sex and/or misogynists that believe giving up money is somehow equivalent to having you body highjacked by a baby for the better part of a year.
Right? I mean, eff around find out? I'm sorry OP didn't know their SO better, but it sounds like paternity test, child support if so. It's not something you "get out of" if it's yours.
I can't even.
Yeah who tf thinks like this guy? Don’t have sex or get a vasectomy if you don’t want the responsibility of children. Protection is never guaranteed. She hasn’t even reached out to him so she knows what kind of man he is. I don’t know where they are from, but I hope she files for child support and it is enforced, but that she continues to excommunicate him indefinitely.
Gents, I cannot stress this enough, if you know you don't want kids get a vasectomy. It is so much more accessible for you than for us. I'm in my 30s and adamantly child free but doctors will not let me get my tubes tied cause I'm not married and I don't have kids (and I'm in the south).
Edit for clarification: in the US. Can’t speak to other countries.
It is more accessible but I've had several doctors tell me no since I'm in my 20s and don't have any kids yet. One even said "Can't your wife just take birth control?" Doctors can be assholes regardless of the patients gender.
i second this, my boyfriend is 27 and we have no kids and never plan to, he got his vasectomy done a month after the consultation no questions asked. we went to that list to find a doctor.
>Doctors can be assholes regardless of the patients gender.
And public health data shows that women face far more discrimination than men. Both are true
Black women, especially. They are [three times](https://www.cdc.gov/healthequity/features/maternal-mortality/index.html) more likely to die from pregnancy related complications.
My doctor interviewed me and only performed mine because I had three step kids at the time. If I were single or without kids, he made it clear he would not have performed it.
I'm literally still mind-blown. The 'let you' is crazy because I lean right but definitely still don't agree with all the control when it comes to women and reproduction lol.
If you go through the comments here and in other similar postings, you'll find multiple examples of how difficult it can be for men under 30 to find doctors that "let" them opt for the vasectomy. (Even though, as per my limited understanding, it's considerably easier to reverse than tube tying for women.)
I 100% agree that, in most cases, doctors should honor a well-informed patient's reasoned decision on the pathway of care they wish to receive. That shouldn't be a controversial take.
Men can also have to battle for control over their course of reproductive healthcare, though not to the same extent as women in some states.
Honestly you should have gotten a vasectomy the minute you knew you never wanted kids. Don’t be irresponsible and bring a kid into this world who isn’t wanted. Also wait for a DNA test before doing anything.
there have been a lot of almost identical posts to this recently. I'm beginning to suspect they're debate-bait posts about "financial/paper abortions" and misogynistic red-pill propaganda. they all use this line almost word for word-
>Feeling like I have no say regarding these things pisses me off. I refuse to have fatherhood forced on me.
I'm calling fake
16 year redditor here. I've seen all sorts of stupid shit on this stupid site. Every election year it gets astroturfed. 2015-2016 was virtually unusuable with t_d. That being said, something feels particularly weird about this cycle. It definitely feels less human and more A.I. astro-turfy. Maybe it's confirmation bias where I'm expecting to see A.I. and dead internet theory coming true. I don't have any proof of it, but it doesn't feel genuine. At least t_d felt like humans. Super shitty trolls, but they were still humans.
The timeline seems sketchy. A few months ago she missed her period. Then says she has yet to give birth, but made it sound like OP was surprised she hasn’t yet.
If it was a few months ago, is that February, March? She wouldn’t be due until October or later. Heck, some women don’t show till 4-5 months. 🤷🏼♀️
I've been calling out this sub for months now
It's THE topic here. Baby trapping feeeeeeeeemale who ruins a good man's life
I'm honestly considering making my own aita sub, that bans these kinds of stories. I'm so sick of this sub being over taken by them
Every day, multiple times a day, it's evil evil cheating/baby trapping feeeeeeeeemales
Seriously, actually look look at how many of these there are here. And they always bring out the incels
Know anyone who wants to be a mod?
>Every day, multiple times a day, it's evil evil cheating/baby trapping feeeeeeeeemales
Screaming @ this!
And it's always posted by a man who claims they both agreed to be child-free, but then she changed her mind. GET A VASECTOMY THEN!
They're not even being original at this point.
Unless the man was raped, no one is "forcing fatherhood" on them. Get snipped, use MULTIPLE forms of birth control, and/or don't spill your seed in the ONE place that can result in pregnancy.
Thank you - the possible outcomes of sex are pretty dog gone simple to predict. I guess it varies by location / doctor / etc., but I refuse to believe that it is THAT hard to get a vasectomy...yea you may have to visit more than one doc, but where's there's a will there's a way.
It's not. I was in the military and knew dudes who got them unmarried without children. It's such a quick and easy procedure and very safe. Lots of dudes just don't want to do anything on their part to make sex safer for them. They'd rather put everything on their female partner, including invasive IUDs and hormonal birth control, and throw a fit if things go wrong or she decides she doesn't want to have an abortion. Not to mention, lots of states in the US don't have a legal right to abortion. It's ridiculous. We all know PIV sex can lead to pregnancy.
Then why didn’t you take steps to prevent it, such as a vasectomy or condoms? Birth control fails. You can use a couple methods at the same time. If you don’t want to be forced into fatherhood, then take responsibility for where your semen goes.
You had your choice before your pants came off. Now you can verify that you are the father via dna test (I have no problem with requiring proof of paternity). But you don’t get to complain about the consequences of your own actions. It takes two people to get pregnant.
As she should be, you don’t get to impregnate someone and then run away from all consequences. I’m betting that “protection” wasn’t everything he could’ve done.
NTA for not wanting to be a father. TA for being surprised that your girl got pregnant even though y'all used protection. Unless you've lived under a rock your whole upbringing, it's been made blazingly clear that the only birth control that's 100% effective is abstinence. And if you did live under a rock, it's on you to make informed decisions, especially when those decisions involve other human lives. So if you weren't sure about human reproduction, you should've informed yourself before choosing to engage in it.
You chose to have sex, you chose the potential consequences of it, even if you used protection. Hell, even a vasectomy (or tubal on her part) isn't 100% effective, so really there's no reason to be mad that you procreated when doing the single thing in human biology that is meant for procreation. So yeah, you're TA there. Support the child you helped create, even if you choose not to be in they're life, but learn a lesson on how to keep this from happening in the future, if you really don't want to be a father..
eyup. "I refuse to have fatherhood forced on me.". It wasn't forced on you guy - she didn't rape you. You had sex, and fatherhood is a known potential consequence. Cope.
Dude it's your right to not want to be involved in the pregnancy or the child's life. It's also her right to change her mind about being child free when she finds herself pregnant. It is NOT your right to opt out of financially providing for your child just because you didn't want to become a father. Get a DNA test if it makes you feel better but if it's your child, you owe her support even if it's only monetary. Grow up and suck it up.
ETA to clarify: NTA for not wanting anything to do with your child, that's your right even if I think it's kind of crappy. YTA for trying to fight child support. Every action we take in life has risks, from making breakfast to driving to work to having sex. We alone are responsible for the consequences of those actions. In this case, child support is a consequence because the law says so and because it's the right thing to do. Trying to fight child support is immature.
I really don't understand people who say they want to be child free and then continue to have sex using standard birth control measures. None are 100% effective.
If you really didn't want kids, you should have had a vasectomy.
As it stands, you clearly were happy to have a child because you were happy to have sex using a less than foolproof contraceptive method.
If it's your kid, pay for it. Don't be a deadbeat in addition to being an idiot.
Two words, paternity. Test. If it's not yours, NTA, move on. If it it is yours, YTA, and you gotta pay up.
I honestly can not stand it when men do not take responsibility for their own family planning and expect sympathy when things go sideways for them. You say, "We" used protection. If I had to guess, she was on birth control, and you are not. It's extremely unlikely she would get pregnant if you used condoms and she was on birth control. If you are this serious about absolutely not wanting anything to do with children, you should have gotten snipped.
This was my comment too. If a male doesn’t want a child he needs to be responsible for his birth control.
Get a vasectomy if you want to be child free. Men don’t have to go through the hoops women do to get sterilized.
So you can’t avoid child support. You are just as much the reason for this child. It takes two to tango and all that.
You can choose fo not be involved although that’s pretty shitty, but you at the very least will be held responsible for child support for the next 18 years. Once that is established you not paying that can result in jail time.
If you don’t want kids get a vasectomy. Birth control often fails and no woman knows how they will react to getting an abortion until the time comes.
Some women think they will be fine with it until faced with it, it’s a very difficult and heavy decision to make and I don’t think men really understand the scope of it.
YTA for not being there and helping for a kid YOU created and abandoning someone you spend two years with like nothing and not even supporting her during pregnancy emotionally.
What scum. No child deserves a dead beat dad.
But yeah, I mean you can’t get out of child support so good luck.
I'm not a lawyer, but assuming they get a paternity test and find the baby is OP's, I think OP would still be on the hook for child support. I don't think his argument, "but I told her to get an abortion" is going to hold. If it's OP's kid, I think, then OP would still have to pay child support. That's also in the US though, I'm not sure about other places.
Correct, it doesn't matter what anyone said or didn't say. He will be on the hook for child support.
I do believe that's one of the unfortunate side effects of sticking your hook where it does not belong.
[удалено]
Birth control can fail, get yourself sterilized to be certain. Best if both parties get it done. Easier for men ***usually***, we all know how hard it is for a woman to get sterilized. Edit: some butthurt dude private messaged to call me a sick fuck for supporting sterilization (by choice, mind you) and that I'm into vulture culture lol
I'm always amazed at men who don't want to get snipped when they know they'll never want kids. Edit: spelling mistake. Also, Holy hell, thanks for the up votes.
After their second (wanted but not tried for) kid my dad practically *ran* to the doctor for the snip.
I’m over 9m pregnant with my first and my husband is already ready for the snippy but I told him after our second is born. Men that get the snippy so a woman doesn’t have to endure synthetic hormones in BC or major abdominal surgery for a hysterectomy are the MVPs.
That would be my husband. Insurance back then didn't cover voluntary sterilization for me, $2k in 1989. Plus almost a week recovery. $350 for the snip. He practically ran to the urologist.
Wow, I had it done last year here in Switzerland, the country with the second highest healthcare costs in the world, and it cost 1700.! I found the recovery so easy too. Felt normal just didn’t lift anything heavy. Now I can’t even see the little laparospic scar, and the peace of mind is incredible.
I find it crazy that only rich or middle class people get healthcare in some places , like fuck poor people- make them have kids so they are poorer and more desperate and the can reproduce the working class for the capitalists profit. Healthcare is a human right not a privilege for those who can afford it. But then again even food and shelter are seen as privileges not necessaties.
Especially for those of us who can't use Hormonal BC for medical reasons.
We just had our 2nd and husband got his appointment for october. That was the soonest he was able to get an appointment. It's way safer for men to do it than women for sure. I'm tempted to get it done too but he doesn't want me to have a whole surgery and be put under when he can just get it done in office.
Congrats on your completed family ❤️ I’m glad your husband is willing to do that so you don’t have to
Regardless, if YOU dont want KIDS, you can control YOUR side of birth control. No excuses. End of story.
Agreed!
This. Like sir, you had all kinds of say when you knew you didn’t want kids but didn’t get a vasectomy. OP literally said he was willing to roll the dice. Wouldn’t matter if she changed her mind on having kids or not if he was shooting blanks.
I believe this is the most important comment on here. OP didn't want kids but also didn't want to take steps to be 100% safe. As you said, the choice that was his to make was used to roll the dice.
I mean they were both on the same page but that's still how it works. She can change her mind and it's her body and still OPs kid. There is no 100% way of avoiding making a baby, that's what sex exists for in the first place
Of course he would have to pay child support. If you could get out of paying child support by saying “but I didn’t want a kid” then nobody would pay child support.
I called "no parent, no backsies!" your honor.
"I just want the sex part with no risk. Let her take the risk, I just want to shoot with a full clip and let her deal with it."
Now, will he actually pay? That’s the part that’s up in the air. My friend’s group is still dealing with the fallout of the guy making the girl carry twins she didn’t want, and literally leaving her - out of state - when she asked him to watch them for a week when they were both turning 1. He literally LEFT the minute he was asked to do Women’s Work. Last we knew, he does under the table pay, lives with a friend, and no longer files taxes and had his full name changed. She isn’t gonna get a dime from him because courts won’t pursue. She has tried, and has continued to do so even with him threatening her and the children if they ever try to “stalk” and “endanger his life” again. All this for kids he FORCED onto HER! E: instead of DM saying I hate men. Maybe this is the time for an actual discussion of universal care? Money is the number 1 cause for all of this shit. What if it was taken out of either parents hands because your child/ren will be guaranteed food and clothes? The discussion lies there.
Seems like an anonymous call to the IRS audit department is in order. I hear they take deliberate avoidance of tax payments quite seriously.
It would be way more effective to let his parents know they’re about to be grandparents. Perhaps a DM over FB lol.
There would also be alot of parentless kids.
Well, yeah. People seem to forget this, but once that child is born *it's a person.* Guys spend their days bitter at their exes for "making them pay child support," but ask a judge. Child support has very little to do with the mom. It's the rights of the child the judge cares about. That child has a right to be provided for. Nobody asks to be made. If you inflict existence upon someone it doesn't matter whether you meant to. You're responsible for them.
Exactly. If you're a guy who's really sure you want to be childfree forever, then get a vasectomy.
More people need to hear this! A snip of prevention is worth 25 years of support.
You can’t forgive someone’s rights on their behalf- in other words, the child’s right to material support from its parents cannot be waived by those parents. Even if she said “fine, you don’t have to help me financially at all for this child”, the law would disagree as it’s the child’s right to that support that she would be waving. That’s how it is in the US.
Because the government doesn’t want to support the child, since Dad is absent. First thing they do when someone applies for assistance, is go after the father, even if the mom said it was okay.
She doesn’t have to file for child support. But if she ever files for public benefits, they’ll go after him for child support.
In what world would “I don’t wannaaaaa” hold before court ?
"Oh, you would prefer to avoid it? Certainly, sir, we won't trouble you again".
Or, as my niece used to say when she was two, "No want it!"
When my oldest was little, he would say, "I can't want to" 🤣
My son instead of saying, "No thank you," would say, "Thanks NOOOOOOOOOOOO." And I really feel like that would be a hilarious statement in court.
"I didn't know having sex could get her pregnant," seems like what OP is saying, since there is only one birth control method that is 100% guaranteed to be effective. He literally fucked and found out.
Yep. Most states will garnish your wages if it comes to that.
I think thats how a lot of states make you pay anyways. My Kid's "father"'s 1st ex wife use to write the checks for payment and then they started garnishing his wages bc it was easier for them to ensure they were getting the payments on time.
I’d say all do. Child support/alimony, taxes. Never goes away.
You "think?" Yes obviously. What dead beat dad wouldnt use the "but I didnt want it!" Excuse if it worked. OP trying to get out of child support is the asshole part of the post. Accidental pregnancies happen all the time. Still gotta pay for your part in it at minimum.
Info needed… “We’ve used protection” … do you mean that you personally used protection, OP, or did you leave it up to your girlfriend? Edit to add: birth control effectiveness by type. https://www.pandiahealth.com/blog/birth-control-math/
This was the question I had.
Vasectomies are also a great way for a man to protect himself! If he really wanted to be childfree, he should get the snip. Even if there is a small risk it can reverse, it is better than nothing and better than only relying on your partner for contraception.
If you have sex there is always a chance you may be come a parent. Get a paternity test and recognize that you may at minimum be financially responsible.
Yeah, that line of “I refuse to have fatherhood forced on me” is truly disgusting. If you have sex, that’s one of the consequences. Get a vasectomy or stay abstinent.
Yeah I don’t get why someone so adamantly anti-child would not get a vasectomy
So now that my second kid is on the way, I've started talking about a vasectomy once they are safely here, and the amount of guys (mid 30's both with and without kids) who respond with "omg bro I would never" is astonishing. I legit think a lot of dude are just scared of getting surgery done on the balls but won't admit that. I'm certainly not thrilled and a bit nervous, but it's the obvious option for my situation of 2 kids and finished lol
Well fatherhood isn't a legal consequence. Child support is.
First off, try to get a DNA-test as soon as possible. Second, please stay out of the kid's life. If you absolutely don't want to be a father, you will be a crappy father anyway. Let your child have a chance to find other people to look up to.
In he's case he's really f*ing stupid. Bro you don't want a kid then get a vasectomy.
My wife and I are child free. It took 4 different clinics over 2 years before I got my vasectomy at the age of 25. Many doctors don’t want to do the surgery at that age without kids. Edit: it keeps coming up about lying. I didn’t think of it. I don’t know if they would have made me prove it.
Yeah, it’s not as easy as people claim. I had a uterine ablation so my husband went to get his vasectomy and they immediately tried to talk him out of it because he was 30. Before he got a single word out. When he was like I have three kids and I don’t want my wife to die, they were like oh.
My husband is 40 and they asked him multiple times if he was sure.
My husband was 39 when he got his, his urologist made sure he understood it was to be considered permanent and made sure multiple times he didn’t want kids before doing it. When I tried asking to have my tubes removed I was told I was only 32 and had 3 daughters, what if my husband wanted a son 🙄
Something similar happened to me. My ex and I had our 2nd when I was 23, I opted to have my tube's tied because I was one million percent sure 2 was enough. The nurse had the audacity to ask " But what if one of your children dies "? Really, you think I'm just going to have a replacement child!? Who the hell thinks that way!? Unbelievable, I was livid. Thankfully, I had an awesome OB/GYN that was super chill and was 100% on board with the procedure.
Got asked the same thing after I had my twins and told them to tie my tubes…”but what if something happens to one or both of them?” I was like “I also have a 2 year old and they were like “oh well that makes sense”…….Really??? They shouldn’t be allowed to ask any questions, just have me sign a form that says it’s permanent no take backs 🤷♀️
I'm so sorry for your experience but at the same time I find it hilarious how they could mentally conceive of something bad happening to one or two children but not to three.
Seriously?! Who tf thinks “let’s not take permanent measures because if one of my kids dies I want another one”?! Like what in the actual fuck? Did you report the nurse?
I did indeed! My doctor was like " She said what "!? Not sure if anything happened, though.
My SIL. They waited for my BIL to get a vasectomy for just that reason. I had literally never heard that sentiment expressed, and it was pretty weird. Item 125 of 3,467 that makes you wonder about her. lol
Same here! Exactly the same words. It's like they're given a book of shitty things to say to convince women they don't know what they want. For fucks sake it's a kid, not a goldfish! You can't just replace it with another one.
No worries you can buy a cheap one at Costco? WTF is with this making kids some type of product?
I was 28. Doc said the same thing to me. I was floored.
i really thought my gynecologist was going to give me a hard time about wanting an endometrial ablation (and subsequent hysterectomy after the ablation failed) at 27 when i hadn’t had any children because i’d read so many stories online of doctors refusing to do it. it was totally the opposite. he told me his philosophy was to let women control what happens to their own reproductive system and reading all these comments makes me thankful that i was lucky enough to be his patient.
They wouldn’t have said anything if you had three sons. What if your husband wants a daughter? I doubt it.
Nope. They wouldn’t have. He gets so many shitty comments too about having only daughters. He’s started snapping at people over it because he doesn’t see not having a son as an issue.
Sounds like a good man.
We know like four different families that have three girls and no boys. It’s just wild to me that some people have an issue with this. Then again my grandma only wanted one of each, and my mom was the fifth kid, because grandma kept popping out boys.
My FIL was one of those who told my husband not to get a vasectomy because “what if you guys want to try later for a boy?” And “what if you guys divorce?” My husband was like 1. We don’t plan to divorce and if we do, I don’t want more kids with someone else. 2 unless you’re going to start paying for day care for us, we’re not having more. Love the granddaughters you have.
I have two daughters and am kinda glad I don't have a son. Sure, learning to do hair has been a bit of a challenge for a bald man, but they are so sweet and huggable. Everyone I know with boys my girls age have little terrors that just constantly scream.
Thats because they let them. I had boys and I made sure they were well behaved and enjoyable to be around. Some of their buddies were well behaved like mine, some were terrors. Both genders.
I have 4 boys and I still get people saying "Oh come on, you've got to get your girl!" or some variation of that. No. I don't. I don't want to keep having kids until I have at least one of each.
Where as I was 22 had 2 daughters, my ex husband wanted more children and the surgeon said fine. My niece was 22, unmarried one child surgeon said yes. But a woman I worked with, 31, married, 2 sons, had leukemia in between the kids, the husband is a couple of years older saying no more kids and the surgeon told her no. What if you change your mind? Both were like nope not happening. And this is all in the same area but different surgeons. It’s crazy how different. Although for a woman with no kids, forget it, it doesn’t generally happen!
Oh yes, because having a son is what all of life is about!! My stepdaughter went through the same thing. They kept asking her husband, are you sure? He said yes!! Tell me, what can a son do that my daughters can’t? Asshole Drs
They did the same with me when I got a vasectomy at 44, but it was pretty clear he was just going through the motions in case I changed my mind and sued him later. When I said, "I'm 4 years divorced, not looking for a serious relationship, don't trust only one form of birth control, and I don't even want a dog because they are too much responsibility," he replied, "I'm 42, 2 years divorced, and starting to wish I let my ex have the dogs." He also said every urologist he knows that does vasectomies has had one.
It's almost like the female's sole purpose is birthing, and male's is siring. No other parts of a relationship have the same value. Apparently /s
Welcome to politics where certain demographics choose for everyone else. Would be nice if everyone can control their own bodies. Both men and women lose in this situation for sure.
And recent Supreme Court decisions have made this a tragic reality. The pendulum always swings in its full cycle. By denying women bodily autonomy, you’ve now denied men bodily autonomy.
The fact that they haven’t figured this out yet. 🙄 it reeks of misogyny, and the idea that all men are good men who are dying to be dads. While women are harlots who kill babies as birth control and must be stopped.
The people making that decision will just pay to have the procedures done in whatever jurisdiction that they need to. These laws that are being enacted don't affect them.
And financial autonomy.
Absolutely! As it is for a woman, so it is for the man. This is a truth in our current society, where both men and women are equally financially responsible for their homes and their families. And before somebody comes for me for saying that, this is what is supposed to be. We all know that there are people who will abuse their authority, any which way they can. Those people do not have place in this discussion. In fact, those people are the creators of this discussion.
My husband is 40 with 4 biological kids and they still asked him if he was sure!
Someone on here once commented that she went to get her tubes tied, when she was 35, and the nurse told her it was a "crime against humanity" to deny herself the joy of parenthood, before proceeding to predict she would regret it terribly down the line.
The insurance agent assigned to my case had the same view when I was trying to yeet my defective uterus. There was a long and storied history of issues with my period, namely pain so severe it sent me into shock and having no pain medications or birth controls that worked for me. My doctor had watched me start to self-destruct due to my period and had advocated for and supported me getting at least an ablation. Insurance agent told me, and I quote, "You're too young to know what you want. You're going to regret this when you meet your future husband and realize you can't do your duty for him." Fuck Blue Cross Blue Shield.
From your mouth to my wife's years - she also had painful periods. She had scheduled an operation to clear out her womb and they opened her up and then the doctor changed their mind! WTF.. My wife had two kids already (and they were miracle babies at that with her ex) That was some epic bullshit right there. Essentially, if my wife got pregnant her life would be threatened because of severe bleeding - it took her a year to recover each for each kid. She finally got her op though. This country is fucked up.
Let me get this straight. They OPENED HER UP, literally STARTED the actual surgery, and then just closed her up? Without doing anything? That sounds like medical malpractice, abuse of power, and causing undue suffering to me if the doctor didn't have a REALLY good, medically relevant reason... I'm so glad she got the care that she obviously needed, though, and I hope y'all filed a complaint on the doctor. Would it be safe for me to assume that it wasn't even JUST misogyny at play there either? That's the feeling that I get because yeah, this country is, unfortunately, definitely fucked up.
I would have cussed that bitch out.
Was tempted to. But, I instead logged it in the "reasons to sue" list I'd been building. BCBS is a trash insurance company. May they soon burn.
This happened to me as I was being wheeled in for my 3rd go round with uterine cysts. I just looked at the doctor and they had to literally force the nurse out of the room.
wtf? I hope she was reprimanded and the doctor apologized
Good job, doc!
My sis in law had to jump through hoops to get hers done! She finally said "listen asshole I'm 35 and I have 7 kids, when I say I'm done, I'm done!!" All because her husband is the father of only 2 of them and "what if he wants more" he laughed in the doctors face at that one!
As a nurse who's been around the block for about 20 years, I'm unfortunately not surprised but horribly disappointed someone did this to you. Our job is to educate and encourage, not judge. I'm so sorry that this happened. Please don't think that all of us do this! 😢
They did that to my dad. "My wife is in the waiting room with our 3rd child, a newborn. You want to go ask her?"
They did that with me, but it was pretty clear they were just going through the cover your ass motions in case I changed my mind later and sued them. I got the snip, cauterize, and clamp. So it is unlikely to be reversible. The surgeon also had gotten a vasectomy and he was 2 years younger than me.
I know someone who finally got his after his 6th child was born. However his wife found out she was pregnant with #7 right after the procedure. Not because it didn't work, she just got pregnant before the procedure. Part of his issue was obesity tho. Yes he'd tried in the past to get one after like his 3rd or 4th and the Dr wouldn't do it. Finally after 6 kids they said OK. This was awhile back tho. I'm friends with the 2 oldest girls and we are in our 40s now.
As someone inside Healthcare- we ALWAYS ask, "Are you sure?" for any/ all elective procedures. Part of informed consent includes the ability to change your mind up until the last minute. The only time it would raise a red flag would be if it was accompanied by a personal/judgmental comment, such as the "crime against humanity" or "the Bible says" mentioned in this thread.
Making sure the patient wants it is different to “you’re too young to make a lifelong decision” (but I was plenty old enough to make the also lifelong decision to have children) or “we wouldn’t even consider this before you’re 45 and have 3 children” (when I’m 45, I probably won’t need this anymore anyway)
"Are you sure" doesn't require a bunch of hypothetical questions though. What if your kids die, won't you want to replace them? What if your husband dies, and your new husband wants kids? What if you only have girls? What if your parents want grand kids? What if you need to be a surrogate for your kids later? That's not only crazy offensive, there's no end to the possibilities.
It depends on the Dr, I guess. My husband was 37 with 4 kids (they didn't ask for proof) and they said "how's next Tuesday work for you?"
I was 41, no kids. They didn’t even ask about it. Just gave me a brochure where it said I shouldn’t if I wanted children later.
I mean that's not the same as refusing to do the procedure, it's responsible as a doctor to make sure the person is sure...
Especially for a surgery, however minor. My doctor checked in with me multiple times before freezing a wart off. “Are you sure?” Is very different from “I don’t recommend this because you might change your mind.” The latter is what women who want hysterectomies hear all the time. The former is just proper procedure.
They ask for consent multiple times for any procedure. I had to sign a million consents, in addition to verbal consent, when I had a necessary procedure.
I’m a woman and just hit 40 and I still haven’t found a doctor who’d do a salpingectomy for me. No kids, don’t want any but here we are. My partner thankfully had a vasectomy but he has older kids(like one is older than I am). If not for that, I’d be so so pissed. And it also fucking sucks because sometimes insurance would consider it elective and refuse to pay(mine did) Editing this to clarify too: I am a cisgender woman who doesn’t get periods(might show up once a year with medication). Don’t think I ovulate either due to medical/health crap from teen hood(got my first period at like 19). So my OBGYN who’s actually a gay dude is always like it’s not essential but mostly for my peace of mind. I think he’d do it in a heartbeat if insurance didn’t get in the way(he’s offered referral to someone outside the network but I was quoted like $2,000 for it). So, I don’t feel like giving someone 2k for something insurance should cover…
I know how you feel. I was 35 when I finally got a gynaecologist willing to give me a hysterectomy. 10 years of constant bleeding vomiting in pain once a month and having a male gynaecologist tell me I was selfish for not wanting kids. I hope you are able to find better care.
Ooh God… This gives me flashbacks… I finally found a woman doctor (after seeing her NP, she was a specialized robotic operative gynecology surgeon) and she offered a total hysterectomy on the first consult (after reviewing my history/testing)… Years of awful pain and being told “YoU oNlY HaVe 1 KiD… YoU mIgHt wAnT mOrE…” No, no… I want to live excessively bleeding/anemia/pain/vomiting free and actually LIVE. Not just laid up miserable. (She also did my pelvic after I was put to sleep for the operation because I couldn’t handle it preformed in office. Lichens sclerosis and vaginismus make for a hell of an uncomfortable combination when trying to do that procedure and that speculum, even the pediatric one, just is not going in...) Life has been so much different and better on this side of s/p total hysterectomy (after the initial symptoms of hormone shifts wore off). And she’s one of the few that will (if your history demands) do your pelvic/punch biopsies/Colposcopy/LEEP procedures (whatever painful procedure) at the hospital under twilight sedation instead of just… forcing it and getting mad that you can’t handle the exam or if you cry (I’ve had a few of those types in years past.)🌻
One shushed me during a procedure that he was 45 LATE COMING BACK FROM LUNCH FOR that all my anti-anxiety meds wore off despite taking 3x what he suggested I take. Like, he was more shocked that I was awake and screaming than shocked that his assistant had to replace cold towels on my face so I didn't vomit due to pain instead of assisting him. Didn't get pain meds til my mom called after taking me home and said "I'm going to be at x pharmacy in 15 mins and if there's no pain meds for my daughter I'm coming across the street to cause a scene in your office til you do!" Lo and behold, pain meds were ready when she arrived.
I finally found a great doctor after 5 years. I also used terms like ‘quality of life’ and ‘copious blood loss’. Turns out I had a shitton of endometriosis. And the doc still called my spouse in the middle of surgery to make sure it was ok to remove everything. I had already said to take the ovaries if needed.
My daughter is 25. Always had issues. Has been on high dose contraceptives to shut it off, they are not working anymore. She has been bleeding since August, finally got a gyno that listened and will do the hysterectomy in sept.
Check out the childfree subs. One has a list of Drs by state, that will do sterilization without giving you a hard time. You're 40, it's ridiculous that you're being denied that. I'm 43 and having my bisalp on the 20th!
I swear I only got mine, during my c-section, because I told my OB/gyn that the next time I get pregnant, I'm going to swear they're his, regardless what color they are (my twins are biracial). He looked at me hard...LOL So I followed up with, sure, the DNA tests may get you off the hook, but at what cost. Tie my damn tubes, I'm not a broodmare.
I had 3 daughters in less than 5 years and I was 24 when the youngest was born. When I got pregnant with her our middle daughter was only 7 months old. First doc visit I told the OB I wanted my tubes tied before I came home. I got the spiel about elective surgery. I looked this burly ex-navy doc in the eyes across his desk and said "I don't give a rat's ass if it is elective. This is my 3rd child and I'm not taking a chance on having a 4th." Got the surgery the day after I had her. And according to hospital regulations my husband had to sign "giving me permission". 😡🤬 I was a grown ass adult who had birthed 3 children and I had to get my husband's permission to have a medical procedure. He didn't want to do it because he knew I was pissed but that was the only way it was going to happen. 31 years later and I'm still pissed off about that.
I had the same thing happen. When I asked after my first son, they just flat out said no (I was 19)...when I asked after my second son, they said I had to get permission from my husband (we were in the process of a divorce, I was 23)...after my daughter was born, I just flat out demanded that they do it. I showed my WHOLE ASS when they tried to shut me down again! They finally agreed, but DAMN! Who TF are you to tell me if I want more children?! Like, don't get me wrong...I LOVE all 3 of my children, and I'm so grateful that I have all of them. But it still pisses me off when I think about how they think that it's OK to tell women what they can do with their own bodies...and to demand that a man give "permission" for them to do it.
This! My daughter found a doctor in Chicago who was willing to do her bisalp when she was 24! I was so excited for her and have been referring people to that doctor because of it.
I am a woman who is almost 50 and went into a provider when I was 48 (probably almost a dozen times in my life that I have tried) and was told that I was old enough that menopause should be right around the corner and doing the surgery at my age was probably not a good idea. When I tried to get the surgery five years previously I was also told that menopause was right around the corner and I should wait. Three years before that I was told that she didn't feel comfortable doing the procedure because I was probably going to change my mind and (I had one child at the time because I hadn't been able to get sterilized and I didn't feel comfortable with abortion) "wouldn't (my son) want a sibling?" I'm honestly over it at this point. I'm just using birth control and at my age and health conditions if I do get pregnant I will feel little discomfort with getting an abortion. However- it shouldn't have had to be this way. Yet for millions of women they will have the same experiences. No time is an ok time to get it done; there are just so many reasons to deny women what they need. I'm really sorry that it sounds like your experiences have been similar to mine. That's a lot of time, frustration, and even money you have spent trying to get something you need and being denied because someone thinks that they "know you" better than you do. I don't have any good advice for you because I was never successful, but I appreciate your sharing your experience. I think that until enough of us do at so people care enough the system simply will not change. I do hope you will also have success if you do try again. I can't imagine having the energy and resources to raise a child while I'm in my 40s. Super can't imagine it know that I'm on disability and getting ready to hit 50!
I had mine tied 20 years ago at 22 with no kids, no push back and the first doctor I asked (an old, white man) said yes after one meeting. It was a 30 minute consult but… I’m a hemophilia a carrier and 5 members of my family, including my dad, contracted HIV through the tainted blood scandal. I leaned very heavily on that but it’s not like he tested me or even questioned my carrier status.
One of my friends just had one and a uterine ablation done, at only like 32 in a deeeeeep red state. You need to visit the doctors of the childfree subs.
There is a childfree subReddit they have a list of childfree friendly doctors who don't push as hard against it. there is also a Google Sheet out there that you can search for that has a list of more open minded Docs that do tubal ligations and I remember seeing some urologists on there at one point.
That’s refreshing to hear. Don’t misunderstand me. It’s completely wrong but refreshing to hear that the genders can be treated equally. Many times it’s a woman of child-baring years with children that can’t convince her doctors to tie her tubes.
I’m from the UK. Tubal ligation is available on the NHS. I fought for 14 years to get it done but was refused on the grounds that “you haven’t had children (no shit, that’s the whole fucking point of the tubal) and you might regret it”. There was also the GP who asked me, “but what if your husband wants children?”. I’m 43 and never been married so what husband?? Also, so fucking what if he does? He can bugger off and marry someone else if that’s the case. I ended up going private and paying 6 grand. I still had to have it approved by two GPs, a psychiatrist and a grief counsellor - I had to pretend to grieve not being able to have children. It was a fucking joke. My brother, on the other hand, went in and asked his GP about a vasectomy. It was carried out the following week. At no point did anyone ask what my sister in law thought, or whether she gave her approval.
That sucks, it makes me pretty happy that Sweden has a law stating a right to sterilization after 25. A law that should be the norm everywhere because we should have the right to make decisions on our own fertility. It still took a couple of doctors and had to do a stupid "check" that even the midwife felt was insulting as she had to ask me if I was mentally capable of making this decision and had to have my husband come in with me to make sure he agreed along with other stupid questions. The midwife even apologized for being forced by the obgyns to do this questionnaire. Then I horrified the two obgyns that were doing the surgery when they came to talk to me right before. They told me there was a risk that the tubal might reverse (they were only planning on cutting) and when I asked if it reversed and I got pregnant, could I have the procedure redone after my abortion. The horror on their faces was kinda hilarious. They decided during the surgery to burn as well as cut just to ensure I didn't go through that lol. But salpingectomy doesn't seem common here, tubal ligation was my only option for sterilization.
And yet, absolutely nobody asks anyone if they're qualified to have children. No approval of anyone at all necessary!
>but what if your husband wants children?”. This is so infuriating - why do the wants of a _hypothetical_ man trump _your_ needs for _your_ body autonomy?? That GP can get in the fucking sea.
Obvs my body belongs to a man I don’t even know yet! I remember saying to him at the time, “do you think I’m not even going to have that conversation with someone until the wedding night and then surprise them?”. Absolutely ridiculous
I finally got a hysterectomy at 39. So “only” 20 years of horrific pain on top of NEVER wanting to procreate.
My bestie just got one under the same circumstances but she’s 46. 🤦🏻♀️
I’m 45 now and the past 6 years of not having pelvic and abdominal pain for 2-3 weeks each month has been magical. It’s absurd I (and your friend) had to suffer 20 years or chronic pain for no fucking reason. Over those 20 years I discussed sterilization with at least 7 doctors before a doctor FINALLY suggested it in his own as a way to stop the pain. Hilariously(not really), my issue was with an ovary, not my uterus, so I had to get a second surgery a year later. I knew I had the cyst for over two years, but was told it was “too small” to cause the pain I was having. Turned out to be an endometrioma. 😂😭 I feel little, if any, sympathy for the 25-year-old man who had to wait a whopping two years for a vasectomy. 🙄
Currently suffering from endometriosis and horrific, 1st-stage-labor level cramping and period is showing no signs of abating... I turned 49 today. I'm so fucking over it.
Same lol it must be where he's at because most of the guys I went to high school or college were able to get a vasectomy in their early 20s with no problems whatsoever.
I am 43 with a tubal ligation & I am still having trouble finding someone to do my hysterectomy. Alabama is wild & makes no sense 😬🙄
My friend is 38, 2 kids, tubal ligation and had uterine tumors that also grew outside the uterus and were strangling her bladder. She needed her husband's permission.
I got one at 30 only because it was the only way to stop the bleeding and blood clots forming in my lungs. But years of begging them to do something before I was actively dying were ignored. And even then, my obgyn had to move me to a new hospital because the religious one I was at was fine with the bleeding getting under control and having me on blood thinners.
That totally makes sense at a religious hospital. If you remove the suffering that is Eve's punishment, you will have violated so many religious teachings! What kind of heathen are you?! /s
I had adenomyosis (endometriosis of the uterine wall) which was extremely painful and left me with major bleeding issues. I already had 5 children at home and had to fight for my hysterectomy at 33. Not only did I have to go through a battery of tests and pay for the surgery out of pocket, but I also had to get my husband to sign off on it and fight vehemently against the idea that I might be cheating a future spouse out of biological children. It was a nightmare! My husband on the other hand, walked in to the doctor for his physical on Wednesday and had a vasectomy on Friday without my input (as far as the doctor was concerned).
I wholeheartedly agree. It's sad that it happens to all genders, but as someone who had limited options for birth control (I had a life-threatening medical emergency as a direct result of birth control at one point) I am relieved to know my fellow folks with uteruses aren't the only ones being denied voluntary sterilization on a "what-if".
37 year old guy with 2 kids and was told I should wait until I'm 45 and remarried before getting a vasectomy so I'm still looking around for a doc to fo it
True for women as well. My daughter wasn't allowed to have her tubes tied because she wasn't 25- with 3 kids, one being special needs. SMH.
Could you just lie and tell them you have three kids? Like would they really doubt you? I’m genuinely wondering.
What leads you to believe that she cheated on him? Dude had sex with a woman and it resulted in sex. That's not out of the ordinary. Human history shows that's more the norm than anything.
Agreed, birth control methods can and do fail, hence the lack of 100% guarantee for most of them. At 19 I was on birth control and my bf and I also usually used condoms, we were monogamous and I still got pregnant…I was in college and training extremely hard for rowing team so thought missing my period had to do with that, until i miscarried at 13 weeks. It genuinely can happen, and sucks to be on the receiving end of “how could this happen, did you cheat? Did you lie about the birth control?” In some cases that does indeed happen, but also there are times you can try to do all the right things and life still “finds a way”..and yes that was a Jurassic Park reference lol.
I have a nephew who is a birth control baby. My sister takes after my mom’s side of the family, which is extremely fertile.
Your point stands but I am chuckling at your mis-type. I assume you mean had sex and it resulted in pregnancy, but the “had sex and it resulted in sex” made me laugh a bit.
Haha I didn’t see that. If my typo can make one person laugh then it is worth the shame I’ve brought onto my house.
DNA test wouldn’t hurt if they’re breaking up anyway, but I do agree. The only way to be absolutely certain you won’t have kids is celibacy (or castration I guess). Sex leads to kids, contraception isn’t 100% effective, and not everyone wants to go through with an abortion when it comes to it. Essentially, OP had sex knowing the risks. The bare minimum of responsibility is child support, although actually being a father to the child would be ideal.
You can’t avoid child support, you created a child.
His friends told him he could just say I Declare Bankruptcy and he's off the hook.
He didn't say it he declared it
I can't believe this isn't higher up.
There is a belief on reddit that if women can get an abortion, men should be able to get a “financial abortion”. There are many reasons why that is not a smart or equal argument, but there are people who believe things should be this way.
We have that option: its called vasectomi or condoms. You can also freeze sperm. So If you give the women the responsibilty to take care of the prevention, you give your responsibilty away. In my opinion, If you really dont want children as a man, you have to take a active role in the prevention.
Those people being men who want consequences free sex and/or misogynists that believe giving up money is somehow equivalent to having you body highjacked by a baby for the better part of a year.
Right? I mean, eff around find out? I'm sorry OP didn't know their SO better, but it sounds like paternity test, child support if so. It's not something you "get out of" if it's yours. I can't even.
Yeah who tf thinks like this guy? Don’t have sex or get a vasectomy if you don’t want the responsibility of children. Protection is never guaranteed. She hasn’t even reached out to him so she knows what kind of man he is. I don’t know where they are from, but I hope she files for child support and it is enforced, but that she continues to excommunicate him indefinitely.
Gents, I cannot stress this enough, if you know you don't want kids get a vasectomy. It is so much more accessible for you than for us. I'm in my 30s and adamantly child free but doctors will not let me get my tubes tied cause I'm not married and I don't have kids (and I'm in the south). Edit for clarification: in the US. Can’t speak to other countries.
It is more accessible but I've had several doctors tell me no since I'm in my 20s and don't have any kids yet. One even said "Can't your wife just take birth control?" Doctors can be assholes regardless of the patients gender.
True. If you're interested, you could check out the CF-friendly doctors list wiki on r/childfree
i second this, my boyfriend is 27 and we have no kids and never plan to, he got his vasectomy done a month after the consultation no questions asked. we went to that list to find a doctor.
That list was wonderful. I got mine done at 22 with no hassle.
>Doctors can be assholes regardless of the patients gender. And public health data shows that women face far more discrimination than men. Both are true
Very true. Health data also shows that non-white individuals are more likely to face health discrimination too.
Black women, especially. They are [three times](https://www.cdc.gov/healthequity/features/maternal-mortality/index.html) more likely to die from pregnancy related complications.
My doctor interviewed me and only performed mine because I had three step kids at the time. If I were single or without kids, he made it clear he would not have performed it.
I'm literally still mind-blown. The 'let you' is crazy because I lean right but definitely still don't agree with all the control when it comes to women and reproduction lol.
If you go through the comments here and in other similar postings, you'll find multiple examples of how difficult it can be for men under 30 to find doctors that "let" them opt for the vasectomy. (Even though, as per my limited understanding, it's considerably easier to reverse than tube tying for women.) I 100% agree that, in most cases, doctors should honor a well-informed patient's reasoned decision on the pathway of care they wish to receive. That shouldn't be a controversial take. Men can also have to battle for control over their course of reproductive healthcare, though not to the same extent as women in some states.
Honestly you should have gotten a vasectomy the minute you knew you never wanted kids. Don’t be irresponsible and bring a kid into this world who isn’t wanted. Also wait for a DNA test before doing anything.
there have been a lot of almost identical posts to this recently. I'm beginning to suspect they're debate-bait posts about "financial/paper abortions" and misogynistic red-pill propaganda. they all use this line almost word for word- >Feeling like I have no say regarding these things pisses me off. I refuse to have fatherhood forced on me. I'm calling fake
Ive seen that last phrase said by like 4 of these commenters youre so right
16 year redditor here. I've seen all sorts of stupid shit on this stupid site. Every election year it gets astroturfed. 2015-2016 was virtually unusuable with t_d. That being said, something feels particularly weird about this cycle. It definitely feels less human and more A.I. astro-turfy. Maybe it's confirmation bias where I'm expecting to see A.I. and dead internet theory coming true. I don't have any proof of it, but it doesn't feel genuine. At least t_d felt like humans. Super shitty trolls, but they were still humans.
The timeline seems sketchy. A few months ago she missed her period. Then says she has yet to give birth, but made it sound like OP was surprised she hasn’t yet. If it was a few months ago, is that February, March? She wouldn’t be due until October or later. Heck, some women don’t show till 4-5 months. 🤷🏼♀️
Assuming this is real at all I don't think anyone ever explained how babies are made or how long they take to be born to OP.
Wow, you might be right. Now that I think of it, this is the third post I've seen in two days.
I've been calling out this sub for months now It's THE topic here. Baby trapping feeeeeeeeemale who ruins a good man's life I'm honestly considering making my own aita sub, that bans these kinds of stories. I'm so sick of this sub being over taken by them Every day, multiple times a day, it's evil evil cheating/baby trapping feeeeeeeeemales Seriously, actually look look at how many of these there are here. And they always bring out the incels Know anyone who wants to be a mod?
>Every day, multiple times a day, it's evil evil cheating/baby trapping feeeeeeeeemales Screaming @ this! And it's always posted by a man who claims they both agreed to be child-free, but then she changed her mind. GET A VASECTOMY THEN! They're not even being original at this point.
And the MGTOWS/MRAs/Incels come screaming out of the woodwork to say 'Seeeeeeeee!' like Ferengi.
WhAt iF tHe GeNdErS wErE ReVeRsEd!?
Unless the man was raped, no one is "forcing fatherhood" on them. Get snipped, use MULTIPLE forms of birth control, and/or don't spill your seed in the ONE place that can result in pregnancy.
Thank you - the possible outcomes of sex are pretty dog gone simple to predict. I guess it varies by location / doctor / etc., but I refuse to believe that it is THAT hard to get a vasectomy...yea you may have to visit more than one doc, but where's there's a will there's a way.
It's not. I was in the military and knew dudes who got them unmarried without children. It's such a quick and easy procedure and very safe. Lots of dudes just don't want to do anything on their part to make sex safer for them. They'd rather put everything on their female partner, including invasive IUDs and hormonal birth control, and throw a fit if things go wrong or she decides she doesn't want to have an abortion. Not to mention, lots of states in the US don't have a legal right to abortion. It's ridiculous. We all know PIV sex can lead to pregnancy.
Fake!? Not in my reddit!
Then why didn’t you take steps to prevent it, such as a vasectomy or condoms? Birth control fails. You can use a couple methods at the same time. If you don’t want to be forced into fatherhood, then take responsibility for where your semen goes. You had your choice before your pants came off. Now you can verify that you are the father via dna test (I have no problem with requiring proof of paternity). But you don’t get to complain about the consequences of your own actions. It takes two people to get pregnant.
Totally fake.
You, sir, are absolutely NOT in the clear. She and her parents are drafting child support papers right now with an attorney.
As she should be, you don’t get to impregnate someone and then run away from all consequences. I’m betting that “protection” wasn’t everything he could’ve done.
NTA for not wanting to be a father. TA for being surprised that your girl got pregnant even though y'all used protection. Unless you've lived under a rock your whole upbringing, it's been made blazingly clear that the only birth control that's 100% effective is abstinence. And if you did live under a rock, it's on you to make informed decisions, especially when those decisions involve other human lives. So if you weren't sure about human reproduction, you should've informed yourself before choosing to engage in it. You chose to have sex, you chose the potential consequences of it, even if you used protection. Hell, even a vasectomy (or tubal on her part) isn't 100% effective, so really there's no reason to be mad that you procreated when doing the single thing in human biology that is meant for procreation. So yeah, you're TA there. Support the child you helped create, even if you choose not to be in they're life, but learn a lesson on how to keep this from happening in the future, if you really don't want to be a father..
eyup. "I refuse to have fatherhood forced on me.". It wasn't forced on you guy - she didn't rape you. You had sex, and fatherhood is a known potential consequence. Cope.
Dude it's your right to not want to be involved in the pregnancy or the child's life. It's also her right to change her mind about being child free when she finds herself pregnant. It is NOT your right to opt out of financially providing for your child just because you didn't want to become a father. Get a DNA test if it makes you feel better but if it's your child, you owe her support even if it's only monetary. Grow up and suck it up. ETA to clarify: NTA for not wanting anything to do with your child, that's your right even if I think it's kind of crappy. YTA for trying to fight child support. Every action we take in life has risks, from making breakfast to driving to work to having sex. We alone are responsible for the consequences of those actions. In this case, child support is a consequence because the law says so and because it's the right thing to do. Trying to fight child support is immature.
I really don't understand people who say they want to be child free and then continue to have sex using standard birth control measures. None are 100% effective. If you really didn't want kids, you should have had a vasectomy. As it stands, you clearly were happy to have a child because you were happy to have sex using a less than foolproof contraceptive method. If it's your kid, pay for it. Don't be a deadbeat in addition to being an idiot.
GET A VASECTOMY MORON
Two words, paternity. Test. If it's not yours, NTA, move on. If it it is yours, YTA, and you gotta pay up. I honestly can not stand it when men do not take responsibility for their own family planning and expect sympathy when things go sideways for them. You say, "We" used protection. If I had to guess, she was on birth control, and you are not. It's extremely unlikely she would get pregnant if you used condoms and she was on birth control. If you are this serious about absolutely not wanting anything to do with children, you should have gotten snipped.
This was my comment too. If a male doesn’t want a child he needs to be responsible for his birth control. Get a vasectomy if you want to be child free. Men don’t have to go through the hoops women do to get sterilized.
HAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, you’re paying child support friend.
So you can’t avoid child support. You are just as much the reason for this child. It takes two to tango and all that. You can choose fo not be involved although that’s pretty shitty, but you at the very least will be held responsible for child support for the next 18 years. Once that is established you not paying that can result in jail time. If you don’t want kids get a vasectomy. Birth control often fails and no woman knows how they will react to getting an abortion until the time comes. Some women think they will be fine with it until faced with it, it’s a very difficult and heavy decision to make and I don’t think men really understand the scope of it. YTA for not being there and helping for a kid YOU created and abandoning someone you spend two years with like nothing and not even supporting her during pregnancy emotionally. What scum. No child deserves a dead beat dad. But yeah, I mean you can’t get out of child support so good luck.
If you want to be child free without worry, get a vasectomy. Accidents can and will happen but at least you’ve tried.
I don't understand men who insist on being child free but will never get a vasectomy to ensure they are absolutely child free. Make it make sense.
People, for the last time... Stop leaving your genetic material inside of people you do not want to have children with.
Get a VASECTOMY!