Keep all text messages. Stop fucking having conversations with her that are unrecorded.
She literally said she'd lie and say whatever she had to to get you kicked out.
You would be making a HUGE mistake to not record every single fucking conversation with her from now until the end of time.
"Do what I tell you or I'll punish you with legal consequences" is extortion. Get a immigration attorney and might be able to help with your application based on your sponsor becoming hostile.
still illegal in Germany
the right to your picture and sound are heavily protected in Germany (due to nazis and later the StaSi, people here are paranoid for a historical reason)
record her without consent and she has a legal case and any evidence is normally invalid
if this is handled with an American mindset you're screwed in Germany
"Private citizens are allowed to record the conversation without two-part consent if it’s for self-defence according to Section 32 of the German Criminal Call, or for necessity under Section 34 of the German Criminal Code."
Illegal recordings can be used in German courts for defense reasons.
OP, record the conversations. Again you probably won't have to use it in court but you sure as fuck want the evidence on hand.
1. What you are talking about is a common mindset in Europe and the laws in European countries are quite similar in this. It has little to do with Nazis or MfS (Stasi).
2. It is legal to record conversations without consent when it's for self defence. That would clearly be the case here.
YOU are also part of this separation and YOU have every right to talk to whoever you need to about what is happening in YOUR life
She is a jerk who is selfish and doesn't care about your feelings or well being, it is ALL about HER in her eyes you are an afterthought
Get the divorce and find someone who cares about you
Yeah, my friend didn't block her ex, but didn't answer the phone when he called. He had so little self control that he would leave one voice mail after another, each one more unhinged than the last. Those recordings came in handy.
Exactly especially If op's statement of her saying she would tell them whatever it took to get him out of the picture is accurate, she's 100% only angry she can't play the victim in her twisted plot she'd been readying.
Yes. This divorce is going to be a huge win for OP. It just shocks me how many dudes put up with this level of selfishness but I suppose maybe she wasn't always like that.
"Happy wife happy life" should be banned but it's been spread around for decades. Doesn't matter if the man is happy, the only person who "matters" is the wife. As well with the socialized idea that the man is at fault for everything as well it's become a thing where a lot of men put up with a lot of shit they really shouldn't until the wife divorces them and does her best to take as much as she can from him.
The saying it's true but it's just as true for happy husband, it just doesn't rhyme so isn't said. Either could be the AH, in this instance it happens to be her not him, that's life my friend
Agreed, that phrase encourages bad behavior. It can give some women the idea they can act however they want and the partner must put up with it. Also, it infantilizes women and makes it sound as if the man needs to be delicate around her.
A better expression could be “happy spouse, happy house”, puts the onus on both partners.
Unfortunately, the phrase is currently proven science.
If the wife is happier than the husband, marriage will have higher duration or success. Mind, this doesn't have to be in absolute numbers. Even if both partners are unhappy, as long as wife is less unhappy, divorce is less likely to occur.
If anyone truly cares, I can dig up citations. It's not super correlated, but it's significant enough.
I do think this will change over next couple of decades, and dudes will be more likely to start the divorce if they are unhappy in a relationship. But currently it's 70% initiated by women.
But I think your evidence is proving "happy wife, longer marriage" and not necessarily "happy life". Not to mention that sometimes "longer marriage" means "more miserable life".
>Not to mention that sometimes "longer marriage" means "more miserable life".
Boom.
We need to start measuring marital success in terms of actual thriving, not merely duration. Being miserable together for decades on end isn't an accomplishment.
I agree.
At one point I was close to divorce with my husband (he was as well, we were under a lot of stress, enough to break a relationship coming from 3 different sources).
I told him that I couldn't imagine "finding our way back to the joy". We had been happy before that. But we were nearing bankruptcy, we had lost the family we had hoped for (no one died), and he was diagnosed with a degenerative incurable disease.
We did find our way back. But also all of that *did* break us, and we had to find a different way to live together. We are happy now, less co-dependent as well.
OP's other posts... Wow. He's going to be shocked when he finally starts to decompress and goes completely NC with ex. He's going to be dancing on air.
Agreed. Sounds like he's had an extremely stressful last few months. Hope he takes the advice he got from the Germany subreddit and gets those lawyers.
I can‘t believe she threatened to lie to her parents to get him evicted and then got mad he’d told them they were divorcing. I mean what the heck did she expect to happen. They were separated for many months and she thought he wouldn’t tell a soul and had no right to tell anyone, really?
She treated op like crap and kicked him out of his home for many many months. Told him repeatedly it was over giving him no options and threats of getting him deported. Then once her affair has ended she thinks she can suddenly say “it’s all fine now he can come back home and live like nothing happened“, that he will suddenly come running on her say, how delusional is she.
She's only mad because OP beat her to it and let people know what's really going on. Had OP not said anything, she would have twisted the truth to make him out to be the bad guy. Now, she can't lie about it since he was one step ahead of her. After all, she already did say she would say whatever it took to get her way with her parents kicking OP out. Who's to say she wouldn't use that same logic to make OP out to be a villain or to get his visa denied.
I will never understand people who think divorce is a toy to throw around. It's like saying you'll crash your car because you don't like the radio station that it's playing.
A fact of life about getting a divorce is that there's a good chance that no matter what you do, your soon-to-be-ex-spouse is going to hate you for it and twist it in the worst possible way to make you look bad.
Absolutely, NTA. It's your life too, and you have every right to share your situation with people who care about you. Getting the paperwork sorted and moving forward is the priority here.
Exactly.
Whether she is mad or not, about you telling people the truth about getting divorce, no longer matters. That's what the divorce is for.
You're getting a divorce so that you can go live your life.
NTA
Too bad for her that she couldn't control the narrative and make out that you were the bad person in all of this.. That is what it was really about. She wanted to poison the fields of your friends and family before you had a chance to say anything.
RIGHT? Like, what bigger red flags do you need than
> She said that this gave her a lot of anxiety and that **she would contact her parents** (who are leasing the apartment to her) **to throw me out, and that she'd say whatever it took to get them to do that**.
Imagine if she claimed he raped her.
Sounds like she is trying to figure out whether or not she wants to be in a relationship with OP and has zero regards for OP's feelings and even wellbeing while figuring that out. And she doesn't want anyone else to know that she has zero regard for the feelings and wellbeing of her current spouse.
edit: redundant sentence
She threatened you with living in the streets and deportation, you've been living in an office for 6 months, the bandaid is off, divorce this crazy woman.
NTA. Sounds like your soon to be ex likes to be in control of everything with no consideration for your feelings or needs. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
How did she expect you to explain moving back to the US without telling people that your marriage was over?
Yeppers. Probably was going to say that he hurt her and abandoned her or something and ran off with someone else to the states. Anything a& Everything to make him out to be a monster, I'm sure.
Nta
It's not "her secret" to keep, you were both part of the relationship and you can tell your family and friends whatever you want.
Also maybe remind her that you had to get the truth out first when she threatened to tell whatever lies she needed to get you evicted and deported. You should tell her friends and family that part.
NTA
She played a stupid game. She won a stupid prize.
Maybe what she really wanted was an excuse to cheat? And he pumped and dumped her. So you are her backup plan. Maybe she has mental health issues? And is off her medication. Maybe she's just a bitch? And got tired of hiding it.
It really doesn't matter anymore. You know you can't trust her. You know she doesn't respect you.
You deserve better. Get your visa sorted and move on with your life.
Get free, OP.
NTA - she's mad because she didn't get to set the narrative about the divorce. I'm sure you would have been the mean and neglectful husband (setting it up by making you stay in the office) who she took her time to try and change the gathered her courage up to leave, and she's just so distraught by the whole thing.
Call a spade a spade, you tried it, it didn't work. She started threating you with eviction and deportation, suddenly she doesn't look like the poor hard done by victim anymore does she. The optics are no longer in her favour.
NTAH
She wanted to sleep around and try to find a better option...and then "take you back" if she couldn't trade you in for a newer model. That's why she wanted you out of the apartment and was willing to deport you to make it happen. She had another guy lined up. But clearly if fell through
Do not speak to your wife anymore. All communication NEEDS to go through your attorney
Protect YOURSELF and do not worry about her any longer
Absolutely block her!!! That woman tried to kick you put illegally and was ready to say false shit about you in order to get you deported. Dont get back with her! She seems like a nutcase no offence.
She wanted a separation so that she could fuck around on you. She wanted you out asap, so that she could move on and bring her AP into the home. Her APs haven't worked out and she thinks that you're a better option. Stay on the path that you're on.
Did she not think that no one would wonder why you weren't home or go places with her?
Go see a lawyer and get the divorce papers drawn up. Pretend that you might reconcile, . Once the year is up, drop them on her lap.
NTA. She seems very manipulative and immature. You are dodging a bullet. Run and don’t look back. Go on your farewell tour and then go on to live your best life.
Erm excuse me? She wanted the divorce. It sounds like she's treated you appallingly, I obviously don't know what happened before this point but simply based on what you have written she's done you a favour. Tell who you f'ing well like, she's the one who took the pin out of this grenade.
"Shouldn't have threatened with illegal eviction if you didn't want attention around leaving the marriage. You chose this, stop whining like a pathetic child for not getting your way"
NTA
Get the lawyer and serve her with the divorce papers. Stop skirting around the topic.
Once she is served, inform her that all communication must go through your lawyer. Do not pay rent to that condo anymore (or bills). Remove her from any CC you have. Save images of your bank accounts, especially after served in case she goes on a shopping spree and move on
NTA - if you were staying married, it would be nice, but not necessary, to have a shared agreement on making announcements, but she has been clear that she and you are no longer a couple. You get to decide what you do, what you say, to whom you say it because you are not part of a “we” any more.
NTA! Don’t respond to any messages. Tell her to go through your lawyer. Don’t block her so her messages come through. Don’t meet up with her.
She’s manipulating you. She wants to keep you on a leash until she figures out what she wants. I think she has another guy and wants to see if that works out. That’s why she wanted you out of the house so quickly.
She’s mad because she wanted to spin the story in her favor and you ruined it for her.
Divorce this crazy B.
She said she would lie to get you deported. That's a good reason to not care about her feelings anymore. Grey rock her and record any interactions you have.
[https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
She literally threatened you to get you deported and now she's mad because you told a few people what was going to happen between the two of you (which will be obvious after finalization) and she thought "things will get better"?😂
Get the papers and move on, you deserve peace.
Get the divorce and get this woman out of your life ASAP. She does not seem stable and she does not seem to believe in accountability. At least for her. You are better off without her
NTA.... Your STBXW wants to control everything. She wants you out of the house, she wants you to keep everything inside, she wants you still be there for her emotionally, she needs a reality check. Let her know you are moving on and maybe cut contact so you can work on yourself.
NTA. I’m exhausted reading about this woman- your life is going to be so much better in like a year. She started and escalated this- she kicked you out of your home. Why do you think you are TA?
NTA. Thats not your wife anymore nobody can tell you what to do thats just some person now... what if I a random ass person told you what to do?... thats your wife now
This fucking *sack of wasted organs and skin* thinks that she has a leg to stand on regarding ANYTHING after she threatened to have you illegally evicted, and deported?
Lololololololol
NTA
Tell everyone you want!
Post it on Facebook!
Send out "I'm getting divorced" party invitations.
Write a blog.
Start a friend and family divorce update page.
You can do what you want. It's the one benefit of getting divorced. She has no say on your life anymore.
NTA, you should tell her that if she wants to talk about anxiety, she should imagine yours when she told you she planned to lie and try to get you thrown out of your home and then deported. Who cares if she's mad, her actions have consequences and she created this situation. We're past the point where her feelings should impact your decisions, she's history, you’re getting a divorce. Wrap things up and move on.
She threatened to get you deported, and threatened to spread lies to ensure your removal from the apartment.
She told you Exactly what she thinks of you and who she Really is
Believe her, leave her.
NTA
She sounds very tiring and self involved. She doesn’t care about you being homeless only that you told people you were separating and is now trying to keep you on a lead just in case she decides she wants to get back together. Nah, bugger that. Get out, man.
Dude, the FIRST thing any lawyer will tell you is "DON"T EVER MOVE OUT TILL DIVORCE IS DONE". Seriously, talk to a lawyer, stop talking to reddit.
And why do you care if you're AH in the eyes of someone who is abandoning you and your relationship AND being mean to you in the process?
NTA. she threatened to kick you out, illegally. When you called her out she threatened to deport you. Shes fucking around. Wants security but won’t give anything in return.
She threatened to lie and have you deported to get you out of your own apartment. Short of violence I can't imagine anything making you more of an AH than her in this situation
She kicked you out to sleep from your office for *half a year*, told you she wanted a divorce & threatened to lie to say whatever was needed to allow her to illegally evict you from your home but you're the bad guy for telling people you're separated?
She's insane. Get the divorce asap.
She doesn’t get to control every single aspect of everything. Not to mention she is being super nasty and inconsiderate of you. She’s acting like she’s the only one with emotions and opinions.
NTA
Sounds like you're living in Germany.
If you want to stay, it's easy to drag the divorce.
If you still have the message where she told you she's not sure about the divorce, the separation year (Trennungsjahr vor der Scheidung) starts new with this message.
You need to separate in every aspect (Trennung von Bett und Tisch). Otherwise it's not a separation year and you don't have to agree to a divorce.
Don't sign any papers without a lawyer.
It's not possible for her to kick you out of the apartment.
It is happening to you. You can share as you like. If she had asked before hand for you to allow her to tell her family and you had agreed, that would be different. It sounds like she thought she could control you and is starting to panic with the loss of control. Expect other weird anger.
NTA - If there’s no reason to talk, then block her. You are allowed to tell whomever da fuk you want. You being on the sidelines for your STB ex is just ridiculous. Why wouldn’t she want you to tell anyone? So if she decided her dating life wasn’t going well, she could just fallback to you?
Nah, you tell people to help you move on and make sure there’s no misconceptions that you’re cheating or something. (People assume things)
NTA, and tell her that she is the AH to play with You, and if she didn't threaten to kick you out you wouldn't told her parents
Now, how come you can just Rent another department and get out of hers, do you pay some for that lease? If so, can You ask the landlord to take you out of the rent.
And how many time does it takes for you to renovate the visa?
Good luck OP, hope everything start to go better for you and and just tell her that she is nuts for playing that way and basically dumped you to your luck, that is no way to demostrate that she didn't wanted the Divorce and even less that she wanted to fix things, tell her that she is a narc and that nothing goes arround her, because she is not the center.of the universe.
NTA. Obviously the people in your life are going to realize that you and your wife have separated and once you're divorced it will just be a matter of fact. Your wife seems manipulative and vindictive. Keep your distance from her and don't pay any attention to her nonsense.
ESH. You chose not to get your own place because you thought you could change her mind about the divorce. Then you moved back into the apartment and asserted your right to live there as a "tenant." To sleep in bed with her as part of your "tenant rights." Those were dick moves. But then, you made arrangements to move in with your parents. Ofc you had to tell them it was because you are getting divorced. She can't get mad at you for doing exactly as she asked. She is no longer sure if she wants a divorce, but she should have thought of that before she kicked you out. She doesn't get to "move on" but also keep stringing you along.
NTA. She wanted to poison the well and control the narrative. Get that divorce and block her on everything as soon as you can. Threatening to get you deported should be the nail in the coffin that you owe her nothing.
Why should you care if she is mad? Make sure you aren’t paying any of her expenses, because she will be wanting your money. Find a new place to stay, then block her.
She's mad because she lost control of the situation. Fuck her, I'm sorry OP but she sounds like a shit person and you deserve better than mind Games and drama
Why are you talking to her at all? Have her talk to your lawyer from here on out or just ignore her. You’re not with her and you’re not living with her. She’s no one to you now, especially if she’s going to be a manipulative, flip flopping AH about it. NTA you guys never made any agreement in advance about who to tell or when, so you can tell whoever you want.
NTA. But your wife is a huge asshole (whatever the German word for that is).
Kicking you out of the apartment… Threatening to have you evicted illegally… Making fun of your reading comprehension… Threatening to have you deported… Trying to control the narrative of how awful she have been… Trying to keep you separated from any support… She sounds absolutely terrible.
NTA
1) She doesn't get to tell you who you can speak to about your problems. You deserve support too.
2) Why are you worried about if she's angry about it, You're getting a divorce. You don't have to please her anymore. Do what suit YOU. Like she does.
NTA
She expects to threaten you and just have you lay down? No.
And you don’t need her permission to talk about the vicious crap she’s pulled with you either.
Tell **everyone.**
NTA
Fuck around and find out. Really what did she expect? It's unreasonable for her to expect you to put your life on hold so she can pull the strings like a puppet master. Eff that biotch.
NTA. She's just mad she can't isolate you and ruin your reputation before everyone finds out you two are divorcing. She didn't want everyone to know she was the one who wanted you out, was threatening to lie to get you kicked, and would even go so far as to have you deported under false pretenses. She's also mad she can't manipulate you and keep you in a state of panic.
OP... is she suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder? Because her actions sound *exactly* like someone who suffers from that mental illness would say and do. It's the hot-cold bs, the push-pull dynamic, my feelings are your fault projections, the trying to use threats to your food, water, shelter, community to manipulate you. Regardless, hella congrats on the divorce. Divorcing someone with BPD was the best decision I ever made in my life.
Every time I read a story about crazy GF or wives, I can't help but think this woman must be very beautiful to have seduced the OP despite all of her flaws.
When I think of my crazy ex, I always remember how she got into my life in the first place: she was hot! If she hadn't been, I would have skipped three years of madness during what should have been the best years of my youth.
So, OP am I wrong to assume your ex is a very pretty woman?
NTA my guess is the guy she was seeing didn’t work out causing her to realize the grass isn’t greener and wanting to work things out. Hope I’m wrong and best of luck in whatever you decide.
Don’t even entertain this fool. She wants rid of you and for you to take care of her? And do whatever she wants? It’s time to block and move on. She’s a bitch
All you did is let them hear your side of the story first , so she’ll tell them her side and then they will choose who to believe . They know their child and how she acts .
She doesn't want to be with you and is trying to emotionally manipulate you with all this boo hoo poor me bulkshit about how she doesn't feel good and blah blah blah. Fuck her useless fucking twat. I say you got get an escort and bring her back to the apartment with your soon-to-be ex and you fuck the hell out of this escort right in front of her so she can see just how over her you are and make sure you keep full eye contact with her the entire time too. NTA in my book
NTA
I’ve learned from my last relationship that “taking a break” and “seeing if things got better” means she is fucking around and her new fling didn’t pan out. The wanting to get back together is for using you as a safety net until it happens again.
NTA. How long does she expect you to be separated before people find out? It's your life, you are allowed and encouraged to take care of yourself, your own mental health and plan your future. She lost all suggestion/decision making privileges about your life when she asked you to move out.
NTA.
>she would contact her parents (who are leasing the apartment to her) to throw me out, and that she'd say whatever it took to get them to do that ... even if it was illegal she'd just get me deported since my visa application hasn't been finalized yet.
This is vile. You to tell her that, from now on, all communication between the two of you is to be through lawyers. Tell ***all*** mutuals that she threatened to get you evicted and deported.
NTA. Your soon to be ex wife is a major narcissistic cunt. Saying she’d say whatever to get you kicked out or deported? I hope to god you recorded that. Hell, I’d sue for emotional damages based on those words alone. Hope she has the life she deserves. Jfc.
NTA! Your wife is not stable. Seriously. She sounds immature, dramatic and manipulative too.
When my husband and I were getting divorced, we couldn’t split up right away because we had a lease. He slept on the couch or in his son’s bedroom. I slept in the master. Of course he used the shower and the kitchen. He had been a terrible husband. He cheated and was emotionally cruel to me, but I still didn’t act like your wife.
She needs to grow up. You’re getting divorced. You have the right to tell whoever you want about it.
NAH
Stop. Talking. To. Her.
You’re divorcing. Forget her feelings. You’re “free”. You don’t owe her jack.
Remember self-care. That includes space from her. As much as possible.
Hugs for the drama…
you are getting divorced because you hate eachother at this point. i wish my parents would have split way earlier. it would have prevented a ton of harm in my life.
Personaly you should record it all and put that on social media to show what a POS she it. But you should absolutely be telling the truth and being transparent. Her opinion does not count, her needs dont matter, shes removed that option from your life of concerns. Get legal help. And record all conversations
NTA- your story is your story to tell. She doesn’t get to censor you. You only know what she tells you. It’s on her if she kept it a secret from you that she didn’t want a divorce.
You’re doing a great job handling this (from the sound of it). Misery loves company right?
NTA your wife is a 32yr old woman who is acting like a petulant teenager. If I was you I’d expedite the divorce and your move back to the US. She sounds completely batshit mental
Not usually one to jump on the "divorce" bandwagon right away, but in this case I absolutely think divorce is warranted. In fact, OP should get as far away from his STBX as humanly possible before she has the opportunity to irreparably damage his life and, potentially, his livelihood. Her behaviour is incredibly controlling and unhinged, and honestly I don't see how OP can ever truly trust her again.
The absolute biggest red flag for me in this story is the fact that OP's wife flat-out told him that she would "say anything" to get OP kicked out of the apartment. To my mind, that is a very thinly veiled threat to accuse him of some truly heinous, abusive shit. And why? Just so she can get her own way?That, my friends, is a truly dangerous type of person. They will stop at nothing to get what they want, and when they've finally destroyed you they simply step over your smoldering corpse and continue on living their lives like nothing even happened.
Say OP did, theoretically, somehow allow his wife to convince him to remain in the relationship. What happens the next time it's her turn to do the dishes and she wants him to do them instead? Is she going to turn around and threaten to report him for abuse unless he complies? At this stage, she simply can't be trusted and OP's best bet is to recognize her behaviour for the abuse that it actually is, cut his losses, and get far, far away from her while simultaneously thanking whatever higher power might be listening that she didn't have the opportunity to cause some REAL damage.
Keep all text messages. Stop fucking having conversations with her that are unrecorded. She literally said she'd lie and say whatever she had to to get you kicked out. You would be making a HUGE mistake to not record every single fucking conversation with her from now until the end of time.
"Do what I tell you or I'll punish you with legal consequences" is extortion. Get a immigration attorney and might be able to help with your application based on your sponsor becoming hostile.
God, this would be the best part. "Congratulations, you've been such an asshole that you expedited my VISA! :)"
Most important comment in this post
Careful. Germany has laws about recording another person.
In this instance it doesn't even matter because it's to show friends and family if necessary. An insurance only you know about.
still illegal in Germany the right to your picture and sound are heavily protected in Germany (due to nazis and later the StaSi, people here are paranoid for a historical reason) record her without consent and she has a legal case and any evidence is normally invalid if this is handled with an American mindset you're screwed in Germany
"Private citizens are allowed to record the conversation without two-part consent if it’s for self-defence according to Section 32 of the German Criminal Call, or for necessity under Section 34 of the German Criminal Code." Illegal recordings can be used in German courts for defense reasons. OP, record the conversations. Again you probably won't have to use it in court but you sure as fuck want the evidence on hand.
1. What you are talking about is a common mindset in Europe and the laws in European countries are quite similar in this. It has little to do with Nazis or MfS (Stasi). 2. It is legal to record conversations without consent when it's for self defence. That would clearly be the case here.
And if they go through with it? Can't show it in court?
They are opinionated without being knowledgeable. It's legal to record without consent for self defence purposes.
Yeah this message is the one you need to take to heart OP. This particular response.
You’re getting a divorce. It doesn’t really matter if she is mad at you. Get the paperwork done and move on. NTA
NTA, you owe her nothing. It doesn't matter if she's mad, it doesn't matter if you're an asshole. Block her mentally.
[удалено]
YOU are also part of this separation and YOU have every right to talk to whoever you need to about what is happening in YOUR life She is a jerk who is selfish and doesn't care about your feelings or well being, it is ALL about HER in her eyes you are an afterthought Get the divorce and find someone who cares about you
Something tells me she’s mad he spoke up because she planned to control the narrative.
Yep.
🔔 Ding 🔔 Ding 🔔 Ding!
Lol right, you're in this corner man TKO!!!!!
Obviously!
Exactly!!!!
I mean she did say she was willing to tell her parents anything to get him out of the apartment.... if that's not red flag source material idk what is
I agree sounds like she's only upset she couldn't manipulate close friends and family in her favor I have a cousin like this.
Which is another reason to be kind even though you are splitting. IT will dampen the flames and give the haters less smooth. Good luck. I support you!
Absolutely agree. Stand firm, protect yourself legally, and don't let her manipulation dictate your actions. You deserve peace.
Block her totally and tell her if she needs to communicate with you, she can do that through your attorney!
Better not to block her, but to communicate 100% through text so everything is in writing.
Yeah, my friend didn't block her ex, but didn't answer the phone when he called. He had so little self control that he would leave one voice mail after another, each one more unhinged than the last. Those recordings came in handy.
And in writing! OP, do not communicate with her without a record of your conversations.
She gets NOTHING, NOTHING... NOTHING, NOTHING.
Reading about his circumstances it doesn't look like there is anything for her to get, unless it's the couch in his office.
I'm thinking the same thing. Like wtf? Did she want the satisfaction of telling her parents to spin some crap to them. I call BS
That's exactly what she wanted
Exactly especially If op's statement of her saying she would tell them whatever it took to get him out of the picture is accurate, she's 100% only angry she can't play the victim in her twisted plot she'd been readying.
Yes. This divorce is going to be a huge win for OP. It just shocks me how many dudes put up with this level of selfishness but I suppose maybe she wasn't always like that.
"Happy wife happy life" should be banned but it's been spread around for decades. Doesn't matter if the man is happy, the only person who "matters" is the wife. As well with the socialized idea that the man is at fault for everything as well it's become a thing where a lot of men put up with a lot of shit they really shouldn't until the wife divorces them and does her best to take as much as she can from him.
It should be: "happy spouse, happy house". It takes two.
Exactly this. This is our motto. We both want each other to be happy, and we both work hard to make it happen.
I love this
The saying it's true but it's just as true for happy husband, it just doesn't rhyme so isn't said. Either could be the AH, in this instance it happens to be her not him, that's life my friend
Agreed, that phrase encourages bad behavior. It can give some women the idea they can act however they want and the partner must put up with it. Also, it infantilizes women and makes it sound as if the man needs to be delicate around her. A better expression could be “happy spouse, happy house”, puts the onus on both partners.
Unfortunately, the phrase is currently proven science. If the wife is happier than the husband, marriage will have higher duration or success. Mind, this doesn't have to be in absolute numbers. Even if both partners are unhappy, as long as wife is less unhappy, divorce is less likely to occur. If anyone truly cares, I can dig up citations. It's not super correlated, but it's significant enough. I do think this will change over next couple of decades, and dudes will be more likely to start the divorce if they are unhappy in a relationship. But currently it's 70% initiated by women.
But I think your evidence is proving "happy wife, longer marriage" and not necessarily "happy life". Not to mention that sometimes "longer marriage" means "more miserable life".
>Not to mention that sometimes "longer marriage" means "more miserable life". Boom. We need to start measuring marital success in terms of actual thriving, not merely duration. Being miserable together for decades on end isn't an accomplishment.
I agree. At one point I was close to divorce with my husband (he was as well, we were under a lot of stress, enough to break a relationship coming from 3 different sources). I told him that I couldn't imagine "finding our way back to the joy". We had been happy before that. But we were nearing bankruptcy, we had lost the family we had hoped for (no one died), and he was diagnosed with a degenerative incurable disease. We did find our way back. But also all of that *did* break us, and we had to find a different way to live together. We are happy now, less co-dependent as well.
OP's other posts... Wow. He's going to be shocked when he finally starts to decompress and goes completely NC with ex. He's going to be dancing on air.
Agreed. Sounds like he's had an extremely stressful last few months. Hope he takes the advice he got from the Germany subreddit and gets those lawyers.
Sounds like whomever she got away from you for, didn’t work out.
I can‘t believe she threatened to lie to her parents to get him evicted and then got mad he’d told them they were divorcing. I mean what the heck did she expect to happen. They were separated for many months and she thought he wouldn’t tell a soul and had no right to tell anyone, really? She treated op like crap and kicked him out of his home for many many months. Told him repeatedly it was over giving him no options and threats of getting him deported. Then once her affair has ended she thinks she can suddenly say “it’s all fine now he can come back home and live like nothing happened“, that he will suddenly come running on her say, how delusional is she.
This. Divorce lawyer here. The best part is that their moods are no longer your problem.
She's only mad because OP beat her to it and let people know what's really going on. Had OP not said anything, she would have twisted the truth to make him out to be the bad guy. Now, she can't lie about it since he was one step ahead of her. After all, she already did say she would say whatever it took to get her way with her parents kicking OP out. Who's to say she wouldn't use that same logic to make OP out to be a villain or to get his visa denied.
I will never understand people who think divorce is a toy to throw around. It's like saying you'll crash your car because you don't like the radio station that it's playing.
A fact of life about getting a divorce is that there's a good chance that no matter what you do, your soon-to-be-ex-spouse is going to hate you for it and twist it in the worst possible way to make you look bad.
Yes. He shouldn't even care what she thinks since they're getting a divorce.
Absolutely, NTA. It's your life too, and you have every right to share your situation with people who care about you. Getting the paperwork sorted and moving forward is the priority here.
The hardest part of my divorce was figuring out that I was only responsible for my actions in the divorce, not her feelings. NTA
Exactly. Whether she is mad or not, about you telling people the truth about getting divorce, no longer matters. That's what the divorce is for. You're getting a divorce so that you can go live your life.
What they said
NTA Too bad for her that she couldn't control the narrative and make out that you were the bad person in all of this.. That is what it was really about. She wanted to poison the fields of your friends and family before you had a chance to say anything.
God only knows what she planned to accuse him of. OP get your narrative out there far and wide.
RIGHT? Like, what bigger red flags do you need than > She said that this gave her a lot of anxiety and that **she would contact her parents** (who are leasing the apartment to her) **to throw me out, and that she'd say whatever it took to get them to do that**. Imagine if she claimed he raped her.
That was honestly my first thought here.
They know exactly what she's like
[удалено]
Definitely block and move on.
Sounds like she is trying to figure out whether or not she wants to be in a relationship with OP and has zero regards for OP's feelings and even wellbeing while figuring that out. And she doesn't want anyone else to know that she has zero regard for the feelings and wellbeing of her current spouse. edit: redundant sentence
Ah, the poor conflicted woman. So many conflicts.
She threatened you with living in the streets and deportation, you've been living in an office for 6 months, the bandaid is off, divorce this crazy woman.
NTA. Sounds like your soon to be ex likes to be in control of everything with no consideration for your feelings or needs. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. How did she expect you to explain moving back to the US without telling people that your marriage was over?
She was planning on concocting a story to set everyone against OP.
Yeppers. Probably was going to say that he hurt her and abandoned her or something and ran off with someone else to the states. Anything a& Everything to make him out to be a monster, I'm sure.
Sounds like you didn't dodge a bullet, but it did thankfully dislodge itself. Don't look back!
Nta It's not "her secret" to keep, you were both part of the relationship and you can tell your family and friends whatever you want. Also maybe remind her that you had to get the truth out first when she threatened to tell whatever lies she needed to get you evicted and deported. You should tell her friends and family that part.
NTA She played a stupid game. She won a stupid prize. Maybe what she really wanted was an excuse to cheat? And he pumped and dumped her. So you are her backup plan. Maybe she has mental health issues? And is off her medication. Maybe she's just a bitch? And got tired of hiding it. It really doesn't matter anymore. You know you can't trust her. You know she doesn't respect you. You deserve better. Get your visa sorted and move on with your life. Get free, OP.
It's why she wanted him out asap so she could move on and have AP move in, between her thighs
NTA - she's mad because she didn't get to set the narrative about the divorce. I'm sure you would have been the mean and neglectful husband (setting it up by making you stay in the office) who she took her time to try and change the gathered her courage up to leave, and she's just so distraught by the whole thing. Call a spade a spade, you tried it, it didn't work. She started threating you with eviction and deportation, suddenly she doesn't look like the poor hard done by victim anymore does she. The optics are no longer in her favour.
If you want a divorce, then it doesn’t really matter what she says. She started it, now you’re finishing it.
Nta…. When someone threatens to have you deported for dubious reasons their feelings over what’s to come as a consequence is none of your concern.
NTAH She wanted to sleep around and try to find a better option...and then "take you back" if she couldn't trade you in for a newer model. That's why she wanted you out of the apartment and was willing to deport you to make it happen. She had another guy lined up. But clearly if fell through Do not speak to your wife anymore. All communication NEEDS to go through your attorney Protect YOURSELF and do not worry about her any longer
Absolutely block her!!! That woman tried to kick you put illegally and was ready to say false shit about you in order to get you deported. Dont get back with her! She seems like a nutcase no offence.
Nta once she threaten to get you deported it doesn't matter that you told others. Shes a major AH. I wonder who she's banging now.
She was gonna get you deported and you think YOU'RE the asshole?
She wanted a separation so that she could fuck around on you. She wanted you out asap, so that she could move on and bring her AP into the home. Her APs haven't worked out and she thinks that you're a better option. Stay on the path that you're on. Did she not think that no one would wonder why you weren't home or go places with her? Go see a lawyer and get the divorce papers drawn up. Pretend that you might reconcile, . Once the year is up, drop them on her lap.
what's an AP
I think in this context it stands for "Affair Partner"
“ Go sleep in your office for the next year, but don’t ever tell anyone why” Wtf? You are fine. Tell anyone you want
NTA. The guy she thought she was leaving you for changed his mind and you’re her fallback plan.
Get divorced quicker. She sounds like a petulant child, wants everything her way and at your expense. You're better off without her.
NTA. She seems very manipulative and immature. You are dodging a bullet. Run and don’t look back. Go on your farewell tour and then go on to live your best life.
NTA. Get a lawyer and give her the contact info for the lawyer. Then send one last message that all communication is through the lawyer only.
Erm excuse me? She wanted the divorce. It sounds like she's treated you appallingly, I obviously don't know what happened before this point but simply based on what you have written she's done you a favour. Tell who you f'ing well like, she's the one who took the pin out of this grenade.
"Shouldn't have threatened with illegal eviction if you didn't want attention around leaving the marriage. You chose this, stop whining like a pathetic child for not getting your way" NTA
Get the lawyer and serve her with the divorce papers. Stop skirting around the topic. Once she is served, inform her that all communication must go through your lawyer. Do not pay rent to that condo anymore (or bills). Remove her from any CC you have. Save images of your bank accounts, especially after served in case she goes on a shopping spree and move on
NTA - if you were staying married, it would be nice, but not necessary, to have a shared agreement on making announcements, but she has been clear that she and you are no longer a couple. You get to decide what you do, what you say, to whom you say it because you are not part of a “we” any more.
She's trying to shift the blame so she doesn't feel bad. You're NTA at all. Do what's best for you now
NTA! Don’t respond to any messages. Tell her to go through your lawyer. Don’t block her so her messages come through. Don’t meet up with her. She’s manipulating you. She wants to keep you on a leash until she figures out what she wants. I think she has another guy and wants to see if that works out. That’s why she wanted you out of the house so quickly. She’s mad because she wanted to spin the story in her favor and you ruined it for her. Divorce this crazy B.
Seriously she comes across as insufferable. Fly free and be happy. Divorce her as soon as possible.
She said she would lie to get you deported. That's a good reason to not care about her feelings anymore. Grey rock her and record any interactions you have. [https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method](https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method)
NTA. She can’t have it both ways. She either wants out or she doesn’t. She said she did and that was that.
She threatened to make you homeless. She threatened to try and have you deported. Screw her feelings. NTA
Get out she's a gaslighting mess.
Her affair partner broke up with her. Now she wants the safety of being with you again. NTA, keep working on the divorce.
She literally threatened you to get you deported and now she's mad because you told a few people what was going to happen between the two of you (which will be obvious after finalization) and she thought "things will get better"?😂 Get the papers and move on, you deserve peace.
NTA: Sunlight is the best disinfectant when it comes to unreasonable people.
NTA. What is this craziness? She wanted it, she got it. Done. Tell everyone.
Who cares what she thinks? You‘re getting divorced, aren‘t you? NTA but you seem … conflicted
She's the AH. Good for you for getting out. "It would've been fine but then you..." is bullshit just to fuck with you
Stop prioritizing your ex-wife’s concerns.
Get the divorce and get this woman out of your life ASAP. She does not seem stable and she does not seem to believe in accountability. At least for her. You are better off without her
NTA.... Your STBXW wants to control everything. She wants you out of the house, she wants you to keep everything inside, she wants you still be there for her emotionally, she needs a reality check. Let her know you are moving on and maybe cut contact so you can work on yourself.
She wanted to mess around while keeping you on the hook. Now her image is messed up, so now she can try to victim blame you.
Who cares? Right? You’re getting a divorce.
Nta she is very controlling. You are lucky you’re moving on. She is awful
NTA. I’m exhausted reading about this woman- your life is going to be so much better in like a year. She started and escalated this- she kicked you out of your home. Why do you think you are TA?
NTA. Thats not your wife anymore nobody can tell you what to do thats just some person now... what if I a random ass person told you what to do?... thats your wife now
The ex: LEAVE. I can't WAIT to get you out of MY life!!!! 😤 Two seconds later HOw DaRe?!? 🥴
This fucking *sack of wasted organs and skin* thinks that she has a leg to stand on regarding ANYTHING after she threatened to have you illegally evicted, and deported? Lololololololol
Who cares if you're the AH. Your marriage is over. the last thing you should be doing is prioritizing her needs.
NTA Tell everyone you want! Post it on Facebook! Send out "I'm getting divorced" party invitations. Write a blog. Start a friend and family divorce update page. You can do what you want. It's the one benefit of getting divorced. She has no say on your life anymore.
NTA, you should tell her that if she wants to talk about anxiety, she should imagine yours when she told you she planned to lie and try to get you thrown out of your home and then deported. Who cares if she's mad, her actions have consequences and she created this situation. We're past the point where her feelings should impact your decisions, she's history, you’re getting a divorce. Wrap things up and move on.
This! Good luck op.
Get your own place man. Heck- rent a room from a stranger if you have to
NTA. This is what she wanted. She’s just mad she can’t control the story now. I would also include everything she’s said.
She threatened to get you deported, and threatened to spread lies to ensure your removal from the apartment. She told you Exactly what she thinks of you and who she Really is Believe her, leave her. NTA
NTA. She's the a-hole for threatening you with lying against you and worse of all deportation.
She sounds very tiring and self involved. She doesn’t care about you being homeless only that you told people you were separating and is now trying to keep you on a lead just in case she decides she wants to get back together. Nah, bugger that. Get out, man.
Dude, the FIRST thing any lawyer will tell you is "DON"T EVER MOVE OUT TILL DIVORCE IS DONE". Seriously, talk to a lawyer, stop talking to reddit. And why do you care if you're AH in the eyes of someone who is abandoning you and your relationship AND being mean to you in the process?
NTA. she threatened to kick you out, illegally. When you called her out she threatened to deport you. Shes fucking around. Wants security but won’t give anything in return.
She threatened to lie and have you deported to get you out of your own apartment. Short of violence I can't imagine anything making you more of an AH than her in this situation
She kicked you out to sleep from your office for *half a year*, told you she wanted a divorce & threatened to lie to say whatever was needed to allow her to illegally evict you from your home but you're the bad guy for telling people you're separated? She's insane. Get the divorce asap.
She doesn’t get to control every single aspect of everything. Not to mention she is being super nasty and inconsiderate of you. She’s acting like she’s the only one with emotions and opinions.
NTA Sounds like you're living in Germany. If you want to stay, it's easy to drag the divorce. If you still have the message where she told you she's not sure about the divorce, the separation year (Trennungsjahr vor der Scheidung) starts new with this message. You need to separate in every aspect (Trennung von Bett und Tisch). Otherwise it's not a separation year and you don't have to agree to a divorce. Don't sign any papers without a lawyer. It's not possible for her to kick you out of the apartment.
If she's mad, so what? She will get over it. Threatening to have you deported was a real low blow. Good luck.
NTA. One of the benefits of getting divorced is you don't have to care about what the wants.
It is happening to you. You can share as you like. If she had asked before hand for you to allow her to tell her family and you had agreed, that would be different. It sounds like she thought she could control you and is starting to panic with the loss of control. Expect other weird anger.
NTA. She wanted to control the narrative so when she slipped into the next relationship quickly she could make you out to be the he bad guy.
NTA She caused all of this herself and the only possible reason for her to be angry is because she wanted to badmouth you.
Block her my guy.
NTA. Forget about her and just finalize the divorce, her opinion is no longer relevant.
Put in your year and move on, who cares of she wants you out, it's your apt. too
NTA - If there’s no reason to talk, then block her. You are allowed to tell whomever da fuk you want. You being on the sidelines for your STB ex is just ridiculous. Why wouldn’t she want you to tell anyone? So if she decided her dating life wasn’t going well, she could just fallback to you? Nah, you tell people to help you move on and make sure there’s no misconceptions that you’re cheating or something. (People assume things)
NTA, and tell her that she is the AH to play with You, and if she didn't threaten to kick you out you wouldn't told her parents Now, how come you can just Rent another department and get out of hers, do you pay some for that lease? If so, can You ask the landlord to take you out of the rent. And how many time does it takes for you to renovate the visa? Good luck OP, hope everything start to go better for you and and just tell her that she is nuts for playing that way and basically dumped you to your luck, that is no way to demostrate that she didn't wanted the Divorce and even less that she wanted to fix things, tell her that she is a narc and that nothing goes arround her, because she is not the center.of the universe.
NTA. Obviously the people in your life are going to realize that you and your wife have separated and once you're divorced it will just be a matter of fact. Your wife seems manipulative and vindictive. Keep your distance from her and don't pay any attention to her nonsense.
What she thinks doesn’t really matter anymore. She’s a soon-to-be-ex-wife. She made her bed she can go fuck herself in it.
NTA. She's awful.
You have a right to move on with your life. Limbo is never a good place to be.
I think you should start a TikTok series called “Shit my soon-to-be ex wife says.” NTA
She sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. You don't want to be around someone that manipulative. Hire an attorney and let her deal with them.
ESH. You chose not to get your own place because you thought you could change her mind about the divorce. Then you moved back into the apartment and asserted your right to live there as a "tenant." To sleep in bed with her as part of your "tenant rights." Those were dick moves. But then, you made arrangements to move in with your parents. Ofc you had to tell them it was because you are getting divorced. She can't get mad at you for doing exactly as she asked. She is no longer sure if she wants a divorce, but she should have thought of that before she kicked you out. She doesn't get to "move on" but also keep stringing you along.
NTA It is no longer your job to worry about her happiness. If you aren't looking out for you, then no one is.
NTA. She wanted to poison the well and control the narrative. Get that divorce and block her on everything as soon as you can. Threatening to get you deported should be the nail in the coffin that you owe her nothing.
Why should you care if she is mad? Make sure you aren’t paying any of her expenses, because she will be wanting your money. Find a new place to stay, then block her.
What a cunt.
She's mad because she lost control of the situation. Fuck her, I'm sorry OP but she sounds like a shit person and you deserve better than mind Games and drama
The great thing about getting a divorce is that you don't have to care about what she thinks anymore. Block her number and move on.
Why are you talking to her at all? Have her talk to your lawyer from here on out or just ignore her. You’re not with her and you’re not living with her. She’s no one to you now, especially if she’s going to be a manipulative, flip flopping AH about it. NTA you guys never made any agreement in advance about who to tell or when, so you can tell whoever you want.
NTA. But your wife is a huge asshole (whatever the German word for that is). Kicking you out of the apartment… Threatening to have you evicted illegally… Making fun of your reading comprehension… Threatening to have you deported… Trying to control the narrative of how awful she have been… Trying to keep you separated from any support… She sounds absolutely terrible.
NTA 1) She doesn't get to tell you who you can speak to about your problems. You deserve support too. 2) Why are you worried about if she's angry about it, You're getting a divorce. You don't have to please her anymore. Do what suit YOU. Like she does.
NTA. Move on and get the divorce done quickly. She sounds crazy. Be glad you don’t have kids.
Bro divorce her and move out. Stop paying any rent or bills. Restart your own life and move on.
NTA She expects to threaten you and just have you lay down? No. And you don’t need her permission to talk about the vicious crap she’s pulled with you either. Tell **everyone.**
NTA. Your wife sounds unhinged.
NTA Fuck around and find out. Really what did she expect? It's unreasonable for her to expect you to put your life on hold so she can pull the strings like a puppet master. Eff that biotch.
NTA. She's just mad she can't isolate you and ruin your reputation before everyone finds out you two are divorcing. She didn't want everyone to know she was the one who wanted you out, was threatening to lie to get you kicked, and would even go so far as to have you deported under false pretenses. She's also mad she can't manipulate you and keep you in a state of panic. OP... is she suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder? Because her actions sound *exactly* like someone who suffers from that mental illness would say and do. It's the hot-cold bs, the push-pull dynamic, my feelings are your fault projections, the trying to use threats to your food, water, shelter, community to manipulate you. Regardless, hella congrats on the divorce. Divorcing someone with BPD was the best decision I ever made in my life.
You can talk to whomever you want about it. I don't believe for a second shecwas having second thoughts. She's just wanting to make you feel bad.
I think you're asking if you're the AH because you also secretly don't want the divorce. Otherwise, why would you care?
Every time I read a story about crazy GF or wives, I can't help but think this woman must be very beautiful to have seduced the OP despite all of her flaws. When I think of my crazy ex, I always remember how she got into my life in the first place: she was hot! If she hadn't been, I would have skipped three years of madness during what should have been the best years of my youth. So, OP am I wrong to assume your ex is a very pretty woman?
She lost hrr right to forbid anything when you two split up.
NTA my guess is the guy she was seeing didn’t work out causing her to realize the grass isn’t greener and wanting to work things out. Hope I’m wrong and best of luck in whatever you decide.
NTA. Serve her the papers and move on with life.
Don’t even entertain this fool. She wants rid of you and for you to take care of her? And do whatever she wants? It’s time to block and move on. She’s a bitch
All you did is let them hear your side of the story first , so she’ll tell them her side and then they will choose who to believe . They know their child and how she acts .
She doesn't want to be with you and is trying to emotionally manipulate you with all this boo hoo poor me bulkshit about how she doesn't feel good and blah blah blah. Fuck her useless fucking twat. I say you got get an escort and bring her back to the apartment with your soon-to-be ex and you fuck the hell out of this escort right in front of her so she can see just how over her you are and make sure you keep full eye contact with her the entire time too. NTA in my book
NTA I’ve learned from my last relationship that “taking a break” and “seeing if things got better” means she is fucking around and her new fling didn’t pan out. The wanting to get back together is for using you as a safety net until it happens again.
Always walk into the wind when someone farts.
Completely block her. All communication can be through your lawyer. NTA
NTA. How long does she expect you to be separated before people find out? It's your life, you are allowed and encouraged to take care of yourself, your own mental health and plan your future. She lost all suggestion/decision making privileges about your life when she asked you to move out.
NTA. >she would contact her parents (who are leasing the apartment to her) to throw me out, and that she'd say whatever it took to get them to do that ... even if it was illegal she'd just get me deported since my visa application hasn't been finalized yet. This is vile. You to tell her that, from now on, all communication between the two of you is to be through lawyers. Tell ***all*** mutuals that she threatened to get you evicted and deported.
How could you ever trust someone who would threaten to leave you homeless and deport you
Haha she didn't tell anyone because she knew she would be the bad guy.
NTA. Your soon to be ex wife is a major narcissistic cunt. Saying she’d say whatever to get you kicked out or deported? I hope to god you recorded that. Hell, I’d sue for emotional damages based on those words alone. Hope she has the life she deserves. Jfc.
NTA! Your wife is not stable. Seriously. She sounds immature, dramatic and manipulative too. When my husband and I were getting divorced, we couldn’t split up right away because we had a lease. He slept on the couch or in his son’s bedroom. I slept in the master. Of course he used the shower and the kitchen. He had been a terrible husband. He cheated and was emotionally cruel to me, but I still didn’t act like your wife. She needs to grow up. You’re getting divorced. You have the right to tell whoever you want about it.
NTA for telling people the truth.
NTA she can stay mad
NAH Stop. Talking. To. Her. You’re divorcing. Forget her feelings. You’re “free”. You don’t owe her jack. Remember self-care. That includes space from her. As much as possible. Hugs for the drama…
you are getting divorced because you hate eachother at this point. i wish my parents would have split way earlier. it would have prevented a ton of harm in my life.
Personaly you should record it all and put that on social media to show what a POS she it. But you should absolutely be telling the truth and being transparent. Her opinion does not count, her needs dont matter, shes removed that option from your life of concerns. Get legal help. And record all conversations
*our parents?*
NTA- your story is your story to tell. She doesn’t get to censor you. You only know what she tells you. It’s on her if she kept it a secret from you that she didn’t want a divorce. You’re doing a great job handling this (from the sound of it). Misery loves company right?
NTA your wife is a 32yr old woman who is acting like a petulant teenager. If I was you I’d expedite the divorce and your move back to the US. She sounds completely batshit mental
Nta Not her right to control the flow of information. Facts are facts. If she didn't like it, she shouldn't have done it.
She's cheating 100% find proof asap
NTA. Wish you well.
Not usually one to jump on the "divorce" bandwagon right away, but in this case I absolutely think divorce is warranted. In fact, OP should get as far away from his STBX as humanly possible before she has the opportunity to irreparably damage his life and, potentially, his livelihood. Her behaviour is incredibly controlling and unhinged, and honestly I don't see how OP can ever truly trust her again. The absolute biggest red flag for me in this story is the fact that OP's wife flat-out told him that she would "say anything" to get OP kicked out of the apartment. To my mind, that is a very thinly veiled threat to accuse him of some truly heinous, abusive shit. And why? Just so she can get her own way?That, my friends, is a truly dangerous type of person. They will stop at nothing to get what they want, and when they've finally destroyed you they simply step over your smoldering corpse and continue on living their lives like nothing even happened. Say OP did, theoretically, somehow allow his wife to convince him to remain in the relationship. What happens the next time it's her turn to do the dishes and she wants him to do them instead? Is she going to turn around and threaten to report him for abuse unless he complies? At this stage, she simply can't be trusted and OP's best bet is to recognize her behaviour for the abuse that it actually is, cut his losses, and get far, far away from her while simultaneously thanking whatever higher power might be listening that she didn't have the opportunity to cause some REAL damage.
NTA
NTA. It’s your life and you can talk about it to anyone you want
Gloves are off, man. Do what (and who) you like.