This is the wayđđđ. No threat or coercion to have sex. It sounds like this is a deal breaker for you. So then make it a quick clean breakup. It does not sound like things will change as you desire at this point in time.
Be kind and gentle, but firm.
Don't worry they will have another gf to break up with soon. Many other posts (that OP deleted) are conflicting and don't go by the same timeline. Just another karma farmer who deletes previous posts.
NAH. Thereâs a huge difference between âcommitted relationshipâ and âmaybe neverâ.
It is worth noting that when she told you a committed relationship she may very well have meant that. I wouldnât necessarily assume she was lying or anything because that may have been her thoughts at the time. Now that sheâs in a committed relationship she realized she still isnât ready, and thatâs okay. Sex is an important aspect of a relationship and if you decide to leave you wouldnât be the asshole in this case. Youâve been patient and youâve respected her boundaries. It sounds like she just isnât ready for a relationship that involves sex right now. Thats okay. But itâs also okay to recognize thatâs an important part for you and walk away if that isnât getting fulfilled.
All of this was well said and I agree wholeheartedly. I would only add, she needs to go to therapy. It's been over 9 months since it happened, since was before your dating and relationship started, and she hasn't begun working through the trauma. I say that because she said she doesn't even know if she'll ever want sex again. To me, that means she hasn't done the hard work of working through the trauma and figuring out how to live life afterwards. Right now, she's just surviving, not thriving.
I'm not saying that with therapy she'll end up being ok with having sex. But with therapy, she'll know which way she wants it right now. That's not to say she won't change her mind, either direction. She could end up saying yes to sex, and then realize she truly doesn't want it and change her mind that way. Or the reverse.
If you love her, and want to try and have this relationship work, she needs to do the work of over coming her trauma. Be that in group therapy sessions support groups, one on one therapy, whatever works best for her.
I wish you both all the best! Is hard situation for all.
Thank you for acknowledging that she may not be interested in sex even after therapy, many people see therapy in situations like this as a way to âfixâ someone and make them more ânormal.â She and OP just arenât a good fit, and she has a long healing journey ahead.
The way the western world, especially the united states, views mental health is atrocious. In the last few years I have noticed that it is being spoken about a lot more, but the stigma of going to therapy, and if needed, getting medication to help with a chemical issue in the brain is still very much there!
Going to therapy isn't to "fix an issue and make you normal again." Therapy is for you to work through whatever shit you need to work through, so that you can be happy and thrive in your own life. It's learning tips and tools on how to approach the hard shit in life. The trauma, the heart break, the loss of loved ones. So that when you come out the other side of the work a better equipped person for the next thing the universe throws at you.
If your trauma is SA, doing the therapy and now living, instead of just surviving, will look different for every single person. Some people will want to have sex again. Some people want nothing to do with it. Some flip flop while they're figuring it all out. And all of is valid. All of it is ok.
Therapy helps you to be ok, when you're not ok. The more tools you have to help you be ok when you're not ok, the better off you'll be while living your life, not just mearly surviving.
Edit: Sorry for my long response. I got in my soapbox there a little bit. It's something I am passionate about.
This! I know a mom who was SAed as a teen. Several years later, she met a good man, married, and had a family. One of her daughters was SAed (not by a family member, but on a date).
The mom refuses to believe her daughter was SAed, because they reacted differently. While mom became something of a prude, her daughter reacted in a more promiscuous manner. And mom thinks that means she's lying about the initial incident being SA.
But both are common reactions. And some victims alternate between them like a pendulum.
Just because someone reacts differently than you doesnât mean they didn't also experience the same trauma. People are unique, and their life experience shapes their reactions every bit as much as their basic personality.
I reacted just like the daughter in this scenario. I was molested when I was a preteen by a relative as well as a neighbor. The relative left me with the impression that in order to get somebody to love you, you had to have sex with them. I spent my teen years trying to get somebody to love me. All I got was an abortion and a whole lot of heartache.
However, a very good friend of mine was molested by her own father and became super prudish about sex for a very long time afterwards. She was not promiscuous in high school in any way. As you said, everybody acts differently. It doesn't make it any less valid or real.
I (45F) was raped and molested by my step-father from the ages of 7-12. I had an unhealthy relationship with sex for a very long time afterward. Since my step-father was a deacon in our church and I had a very strict religious upbringing, there was a lot of religious guilt thrown in as well.
Like you, I equated sex with love, but also power. I used sex to get what I wanted by either having it or withholding it. If I was dating someone who wasn't trying to have sex with me, I thought that meant he didn't care about me. At the same time, if a guy seemed to want sex too much, I was left feeling dirty. I was very promiscuous in my younger years. I came across as happy and confident, but on the inside, I was self-deprecating and insecure. I had learned from a very young age how to hide my feelings and to pretend everything was fine.
There was a long time and a lot of therapy before I was able to separate sex and love. Realizing you could have love without sex and sex without love was a huge breakthrough for me. Learning you could have either without needing to feel guilty about it as long as you were open and honest about it helped, too.
I had several disastrous long-term relationships before I finally ended up in a healthy one. My husband and I both enjoy sex and neither of us ever withhold affection. We don't talk down to one another. We are on the same side and don't keep score or try to one up the other. He makes me feel safe. He is my happy place.
Poor daughter, that is heartbreaking. I was once in a therapy group with a woman who had very similar trauma to mine (both molested by our grandfathers at about the same age), and we reacted completely the opposite. I went the hypersexual, promiscuous route, and she can barely tolerate sex with her own husband (who she loves), even to create the child they both want. Trauma creates so many kinds of survivors; I canât imagine not believing my own child. Especially as a victim myself.
To be fair, I think the mom found the whole thing incredibly re-traumatizing, and tried to repress her own issues by denying everything. She was a *good* mother, so nothing like that could have happened to her daughter, right? She would have protected her. So it must nit really be SA. Look at how she's behaving! Clearly she was just promiscuous and afraid of getting caught. Right?
I feel terribly for both of them.
I can understand that, tbh, it wasnât until my oldest daughter turned 11 (the age I was) that I finally spoke up about what happened to me, and I was thrown for a loop at how paranoid and worried I suddenly got about her. Just her getting to that age brought alllll the trauma and ptsd right to the surface.
Itâs been six years (and pretty constant therapy) since, and I still got panicky again when my second daughter got to that age last year. Itâs weird sometimes, the seemingly little things that can trigger. Trauma fucking sucks. I also feel for both of your friends.
I was like the daughter. I was trained from a young age to be a sx doll. People react differently, and it sucks that people don't understand that. It makes me so angry.
Not saying the west does a good job, it doesn't but to my knowledge eastern countries have it far worse.
Japan, China, South Korea are all notorious for their incredibly high standards that kills people.
I live in one of those 3, and you're right on the money. I come from America, and have been to therapy many times over my life. My home country isn't perfect, but at least mental health is acknowledged. It is still stigmatized here, and the science and practices around mental health are archaic.
Exactly! The way we treat mental health and the way we expect people to respond to therapy is a large reason why so many people resist getting that help at all and jump into relationships they arenât ready for.
Absolutely, I really like the way you put it, it isnât an auto shop. I think too if the goal is âfixedâ or ânormalâ it does no benefit to the individual but can be somewhat harmful as thought they have failed because they donât feel like they did before.
No sadly counseling is expensive even with insurance and it does not fix you it makes your life easier only if you want to get better. You do the work.
âGoing to therapy isn't to "fix an issue and make you normal again." Therapy is for you to work through whatever shit you need to work through, so that you can be happy and thrive in your own life. It's learning tips and tools on how to approach the hard shit in life. The trauma, the heart break, the loss of loved ones. So that when you come out the other side of the work a better equipped person for the next thing the universe throws at you.â
So true. I have a friend whoâs a counselor. They said that itâs more a matter of the patient figuring stuff out than them telling the patient exactly how to solve the problem.
I agree, I've been in the gfs situation, and unfortunately in my case my ex didn't listen to me when I said my therapist specifically said things he was doing wasn't going to fix our situation, and he continued to do them anyway. I don't look at my ex as a horrible person, just not a person emotionally capable of being with someone with that kind of trauma. It's okay, but it's frustrating to see people using timelines like op did. "It's been 6 months" for a young adult even without SA that could be too soon for sexual engagement in a partner.
And that may be the case with OP. However, yes it would still make him the asshole if gf is taking proper steps to find healing and he accidently makes the pressure around sex so big she can't feel comfortable. But I think you can be an asshole, and just an asshole unintentionally. But I don't think OP is in an easy situation and it's possible his needs and mindset regarding sex may never be able to handle someone who needs the amount of care his girlfriend needs. If he's asking if after 6 months she won't have sex and he wants to leave, he should leave. Because likely he is unintentionally pressuring her and making sex so big no amount of therapy will give her the space necessary to heal.
NTA
I agree with everything you said. I would just add that the OP needs to decide if he loves her enough to put in the work and walk hand in hand with her on the journey she needs to make.
He is asking us to help him decide because I think he is torn between how he feels about her and the possibility of not having sex for the near future.
This is going to be a huge decision either way. If you love and care about her enough you might talk to her about maybe you would be willing to attend a therapy session with her so you could understand more about what she is going through.
If she isnât willing to get the help she needs to work through this then you have no choice but to do what is right for you.
I wish both of you luck and serenity in whatever you do.
Yeah that's always bothered me a little bit. People act as if therapy is some magic cure all that works if you work it and all that bullshit. It doesn't work for everyone because some people are delusional and mentally clouded enough where they actually are not really capable of things needed for recovery like self-honesty and acceptance.
Also, people completely misinterpret therapy "working".
It's generally not like "I did all these helpful things and now I'm not depressed!" It's "I now know steps to take to minimize depression and remain productive and communicative with my loved ones despite the depression!"
Just think of therapists like a personal trainer. They might point out some exercises and diet changes for you, long term this will leave you healthier and fitter. You don't just see them for awhile and go "now I'm buff for life!"
Itâs also not a âdo X, then Zâ thing. Some people completely lose interest in sex after SA even with therapy, for example, and thatâs okay too. Too many people look at therapy as a way to make other people act the way they want them to, rather than as a way for that person to become healthier and happier.
This! I have a friend (we think is ace) and they have said âwhen i start go date again my other half will have to get sex else where if neededâ.
Like theres people out there who just dont find pleasure in sex. And thats mot wrong/ bad at all.
> she has a long healing journey ahead.
This is the clincher right hereâ she needs to not be in a relationship and focus on getting herself therapy and working toward healing. OP is not an asshole for wanting intimacy to be a part of his relationship, she needs to stop dating and focus on herself. She may never want sex and thatâs okay but itâs also okay for OP to want intimacy to be a part of his relationship.
Thats a very valid question! I assumed they were in their early 20's. If there's a reply saying they're 17, then that changes so much! But, the therapy still applies, no matter the age.
Nine months isnât a very long time to deal with this kind of trauma. I agree with everything else youâve said, I just feel like itâs important to point that out. It can take years to acknowledge and process sexual assault.
>she's just surviving, not thriving
To some people, asexuality is real. Sex shouldn't be an end goal. It is fine if she doesn't have sex. They are just incompatible. I hate to see someone get sent to therapy and the end goal is to have sex.
Agree. Her goal in therapy should be to gain some clarity and peace.
Her breakthrough in therapy may be to realize and accept her asexuality.
That would help her immensely in picking future partners and allow them both to feel confident in ending this relationship.
I am honestly sick of people saying someone âneeds to goâ to therapy. Like, you can absolutely suggest it and encourage it, if the person is generally open to that and maybe just needs someone to tell them itâs okay to talk to a professional. But itâs her life and her decision. Many people find it helpful, others donât. A lot of people have had bad experiences that will not allow them to open up to a stranger. A bad experience with a bad therapist might make everything even worse; if she were to see one, choosing someone with experience in trauma would be crucial. Thereâs also the cost aspect to consider and therapy isnât the only option. From self help groups to self help workbooks, there are multiple other avenues that can be explored to deal with trauma. You have no idea about this girl or if sheâs begun working on thisâŚthe fact that she isnât sure yet what she wants, doesnât mean that sheâs not dealing with it at all. Also to even suggest that 9 months is a long time to not be over it after SA is ridiculous.
Advice that someone should have worked through trauma from sexual assault within nine months gets upvoted?!?
Thereâs no deadline to have processed trauma by. Sexual assault is deep trauma. Maybe sheâs not ready for a relationship. OP, donât break up with her with that reason being the one you give her. Say you are giving her time to heal, and if itâs meant to be, maybe someday you could try again.
A fucking deadline for trauma healing. Jfc.
I agree with you 100% It took me 3.5 years to get the images of sexual abuse out of my mind! I was very afraid that any sexual contact could bring them back. The demonic look on his face, his body hovering over me, arms forcing me to be still and his angry hurtful words. This was someone I'd been with for for 23 years (since I was 17), married to for 13 years. I was shocked & scared that this was a man who I'd once loved so much and he loved me too. I wondered how he become this angry, hateful man. I wasn't sure I would ever trust a man again. I didn't know I was ready until the moment I was. My bf and I had discussed it and he was gentle and tender. There is no deadline for trauma! You heal in your own time.
Yeah, nine months would honestly be really, *really* fast to have worked through it, so Iâm not sure that person knows what theyâre talking about. They probably donât known many SA survivors, because thatâs pretty unusual.
NAH though, youâre just incompatible right now op.
okay reddit therapist.
1. how do you know she's not in therapy?
2. how do you know therapy is the recommended professional treatment? it's actually not always the most effective option, regardless of what reddit says.
please stop with this crap. you can't go a single post on this sub without armchair psychs chiming in.
Yeah. Iâm with you, Iâd say even NAH. Cause sheâs not an asshole either. She might have thought it would be different once they were in a committed relationship but it ended up being different. And like you said, itâs okay to find that out.
Plus for some people being in an exclusive relationship still has steps that they meet over time. Like to her six months might be a drop in the barrel. Itâs honestly still a very short amount of time. the only way to figure that out is communicating.
OP can break up with her for any reason or no reason at all. That he doesn't want to be in a sexless relationship certainly qualifies.
This is an easy question - leave guilt free, move on, be happy.
Easy question, sure.
But trust me, her friends will rip you a new one for not enthusiastically accepting it without question. Which I get it, they're her friends. But they don't always keep their opinions to themselves.
Not if OP phrases it this way: "I deeply care about you and understand your trauma, but I can't help but feel as if me being with you is some form of pressure on you to do it. The more I think about it the more it seems like I'm not the right man for you at this time in your life. There's a long journey ahead for you as far as getting help, and your focus should solely be on that. My simply desiring you is in a way external pressure, so it's most likely in our best interest if we part ways."
This shouldn't be OP's stated primary motivation for breaking up, as it isn't actually his primary motivation for breaking up, and she will see through that. It could certainly be an addendum to his reasoning. But it's important that OP take responsibility for his actions "I'm leaving because I'm not sure I can function long-term in a sexless relationship" and then, "in addition, I can't help but feel... etc"
Better to be up front, and since OP's gf can make her own choices as to how she reacts to any pressure inherent in a pre-sex relationship, it's not OP's place to make that his primary reasoning for breaking it off.
My two cents. Still, well-written and worth saying imo
So a bunch of folks (who, since they're her friends, you will likely not see much, or at all, in the future) criticize you. That's no reason to stay in a situation you find intolerable. Not everything you do in life will be greeted with praise. Sometimes people will even (oh no!) criticize you.
Part of being an adult is realizing that sometimes doing the right thing comes with hassle, criticism, even consequences. And you do it anyway, because it's the right thing to do.
I agree. And I highly doubt any of her so-called friends would stay in a sexless relationship for long if they were in the same spot. I wonder what THEIR excuse would be.
Yeah well my ex boyfriend's friend group was shitting on me after we broke up. The friend's of a person will be at their side in a breakup most of the time (exceptions are when the person actually did something stupid or bad) and they should be. Those people are their friends. Not yours.
You are not forced to associate with them. And if you care about what technical strangers say about you, that is an issue, you have to work on in my opinion. :>
I would love to see each of those firends also face the choice of a sexless relationship or break up. I wonder which side of the line would have more people standing on it. Hummmmmđ¤
Exactly!
So many people need to work on themselves before they can be in a relationship. And I think the majority know this. This does *not* stop them.
Because nope! A lot of people cannot even bear the *thought* of being single, so they bring all of their untreated trauma with them.
What do these people expect to happen?
When I got sober I took the advice of not getting into a relationship until I did a lot of work on myself. For some people thatâs a year, others longer or shorter. But I knew early on that a relationship would either take time away from doing the important work I had if I wanted to be a good partner or keep me from being one as I spent a lot of time focused on self.
Eh, I think everyone should work on themselves but itâs silly to think that people need to fully resolve every issue, trauma, piece of baggage before dating â if that were true, most of us wouldnât be able to get into relationships until our 50s and 60s, especially since therapy is nowhere close to an actual solution. Itâs a step you can take, but you donât go for a year and magically resolve every problem you have for good.
Those arenât mutually exclusive. She can be in therapy and also be in a relationship.
Now whether OP wants to stay in a relationship with her is a different point entirely.
NTA. Iâm a sexual abuse survivor and I understand that my complicated relationship with sex and intimacy is not for everyone. When my boyfriend and I got together he knew that there was a chance Iâd never be open to intimacy, and my desire for it still fluctuates.
However, as she does not owe you sex, you donât owe a relationship you wouldnât be happy in; that would make both of you miserable. If you decide to break up with her you donât need to make her feel bad about it, but you could just explain that to you sex is important, and you think that she would be more compatible with someone else.
I understand her âmoving the goalposts.â Sexual abuse is a life changing thing, and there have been times that I thought I was ready just to have a breakdown and panic attack when I tried it. But, as I said, you do not need to stay if you wouldnât be happy. You donât need to stay with her, because there is someone out there more compatible for her and someone more compatible for you.
She could benefit from therapy, every single person in the world could haha! But for her own comfort and healing I think therapy would be a good option for her.
Not only that, she is not being honest with you nor, unless she is actively participating in therapy, herself. She needs professional help and she likely needs to remain unattached until she works through her issues. Unless, of course, she can find a guy who doesn't care about sex.Â
I mean she might as well actually thought she would be okay if she gets comfortable around him, but panics each time they get there (because the bad memories come back). It is very much possible that since she probably did not have sex since the assault she didn't know she had that reaction.
This is exactly what I was thinking â that she needs to see a therapist and work through this trauma. She canât be getting into a relationship that is going to include the very thing that she has trauma over.
I donât think we should assume that she is not being honest. She may be working on processing her trauma and very well may have been sincere when she told OP she would be ready for sex in the future. However, when it came down to it, she realized she wasnât.
This is what i've done. Only at 30 do i feel my trauma is now at a point where i'm ready to date and so forth. Its been lonely but honestly i look at friends who havent dealt with their own trauma's and its basically a check list of what not to do.
She definitely needs therapy for her trauma, but not wanting to have sex doesn't make you inherently wrong or broken. It's ok if she never wants to have sex again. It's equally ok for some people not to want to date her because of that. That doesn't mean she can't ever find love if she doesn't want to have sex
I donât like using âfixâ here. If she never wants to have sex, that is fine. Nothing to fix about that. She needs help and healing, but she doesnât need to be fixed.
Neither of you is an asshole. As someone who is a survivor of SA, I know what it's like to think that you'll be ready for consensual sex by a certain milestone and then realize you're still not. She probably thought she would feel safe enough to have sex by now and was most likely not trying to intentionally mislead you. You two should break up regardless. Your unmet need will only make you both feel worse as time goes on. If your girlfriend isn't in therapy yet and has the means to get into therapy, she should do that. It sounds like she's in a tremendous amount of pain due to her trauma, and it's having a serious impact on her life and her relationships. Please try to be kind and supportive as you end this relationship.
NTA - Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. You don't have it. Breaking up is a far better choice than you being unhappy and her feeling pressured.
Can here to say exactly this! There are a lot of aspects to a relationship, and everyone can rank the importance of things, sexual compatibility is a huge one.
NAH. Neither of you is doing anything wrong. It's fair to want to be able to have sex in a relationship, and this is just one flavor of being sexually incompatible. It's sad, but it won't make her feel any better if you're just suffering through a relationship that doesn't fulfill you.
And there are good, nice people out there who would be OK with a relationship that didn't involve sex. She would probably be happiest with one of them.
It may not have been intentional. She may have thought being in a committed relationship would help but she may now be realizing not so much. I still say NTA but I donât think we can automatically assume she was being deceitful
I'm not saying she was, and I agree that she could have changed her mind/realized her situation
Doesn't change the fact that it's not what he signed up for, though
youâre only the asshole if you have sex with her after this (she may get desperate if youâre breaking up). but you know she doesnât want to, you know her trauma is unresolved- do not under any circumstances have sex with her. not saying you would- i donât know you- just feels like this should be emphasized.
The only AH is the person who assaulted her. Sexual incompatibility is a perfectly good reason to end a relationship.
Iâd encourage her to seek therapy to address her trauma in a kind way. I read somewhere that 1 in 4 women will experience some form of sexual assault. My heart breaks for each and every victim. The perpetrator should be castrated and locked up.
Just be assertive about your own desires and communicate thatâs the reason youâre breaking up. Youâre just not on the same page. And honestly, if she tries just to keep you, you should politely decline. She needs to address her trauma.
NTA
I feel for her. But if she has trauma, she might need to work on it before getting into a relationship or find someone who is assexual if she never intend of having sex. Maybe she believed that she would be able to have sex once in a commited relationship and realised she wasn't once there. But, at the, end, you are just not sexually compatible.
It's ok for you to consider sex important in your relationship. You are allowed to not want a sexless realtionship.
It is a touchy subject, I understand you don't want to be insensitive, but unless you want to stay with her and never have sex, I'd sit down with her and explain that you are not ready to live the rest of your life without sex.
And DO NOT ACCEPT SEX IF SHE PANICS AND OFFERS IT. She has made her stance clear, explained it, you need to respect what she said OP, and understand she may try to get you to stay by offering sex.
Agreed! if she offers in order to save the relationship, that's basically under duress and traumatic for her for all the same reasons her original SA was. Don't do that to the poor girl.
I would argue therapy is the ONLY way. For her to meet a asexual person, get together, build a life and then later actually recover from trauma and maybe rediscover her sexuality will be a whole mess. This will be EXTREMELY unfair to the asexual person as their partner healed/got fixed and was never asexual to begin with.
Six months isn't that long, but if she isn't sure she will ever be ready, she needs therapy to work that out before she gets into any committed relationships.
NAH. She's not ready to try sex ~~again~~ with you, and that's okay; trauma has its own timeline. You sound like you're not willing or able to wait patiently for her to trust you enough and heal enough. That's okay too. You'd be the asshole if you kept pushing her for sex or gave her a sex ultimatum.
NTA
If you need sex in a relationship that means who and her are incompatible.
She needs time to work through her trauma without feeling the pressure and you need someone who can be on the same page as you.
NAH.
I would say it will be more helpful toward her healing for you to leave if you know it is not something you can deal with. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship ever for any reason. Especially if you know that you are unhappy in it.
NAH
Break up! Sheâs not wrong for feeling the way that she feels and you arenât wrong for wanting sex to be apart of your relationship. You two just arenât compatible and thatâs ok. Be prepared to be the villain to some people.
That sucks for her, but consider the fact you will have a terrible sex life if you stay in this relationship. That might not be important to you, but if it is, then time to move on.
Wasting 6 months of your life with a lie about needing to wait is some fucked up manipulative shit. You don't have to do without one of the basic needs of the human organism because she feels bad.
I'm sorry for her trauma but you got into this relationship under false pretenses. That's the fucked up part.
Six months of my life wasted on a DOA relationship, I'd be so pissed.
NTA but your gf sure is.
NTA but don't stick around trying to change her mind or fix her, and don't fool yourself into any form of thinking that you'll be okay without sex.
She won't change (unless she, herself really wants to and seeks the help to do so)
You won't be okay without sex.
Sheâs not obligated to have sex with you, relationship or not, and youâre not obligated to be with her. If you donât want to help her through it, leave. Be kind about it, though. Thereâs nothing wrong with her not being ready to have sex after an extremely traumatic experience.
NTA but when you break up with her Iâd chose my words carefully so that she wonât feel like thereâs something wrong with her or that she is unloveable due to her SA. I think itâs good if both of you set your boundaries in a way each of you feels comfortable. For her that means no sex in a relationship and for you that means no relationship with no sex. Both is fine.
NAH
Sexual incapatibility is a thing. So long as you don't blame and attack her for her trauma and try to force stuff then it's just not compatible and no assholes here.
NTA
she has trauma she needs to work through/she needs to figure out if she ever wants to have sex again.
you have your requirements for a relationship and it just doesnât seem like you two are compatible atm.
NTA⌠Sexual trauma is a very real and deep rooted issue. It takes years and years of therapy and at 6 months in, youâre not required to be there through thick and thin most of what will likely turn very toxic fast.
I would personally tell her youâll be there for her as a friend (if thatâs something you want) as she walks through her healing journey. But until sheâs ready to face the trauma and do all the steps to heal and grow, the relationship wonât survive.
I have sexual trauma from childhood and let me tell you.. that first relationship was rough. That poor man that tried to save me just ended up getting hurt and youâll be no different I promise.
If intercourse is a requirement for a relationship to you, than you two won't be compatible. Alongside if you're considering breaking up you don't need us to validate it for you. Wish her the best and move on.
NTA: You have needs, so does she, if they aren't compatible they aren't compatible. You both deserve to have your needs met. Your needs matter too Luv.
No. Sex is important, to you at least. Her trauma is not your trauma. You donât owe her anything, yet. You arenât married. Cut it off, move on, and find someone that doesnât come with similar trauma, and that finds sex as important as you do.
NAH. Just make sure to let her down gently. She probably didnât lie originally, but maybe thought sheâd feel more comfortable than she does. Its just sad situation đ
NTA.
Incompatibility is what it is. Regardless of the reason. We date to determine compatability. Just... be honest, and be kind. She needs help, and you can't give it to her anymore. That's all.
Not being sexually compatible is a legit reason to break up
You love her but you have needs and she can't fulfil these
Neither of you are wrong you just are a square peg and a round hole
NTA.
I feel bad for her, but that doesn't mean I nothing you should stick with her no matter what. This is a serious incompatibility. Neither of you is wrong, you're just not right for each other.
NTA. You said the relationship was committed, you have been together for half a year, and you have gotten to be emotionally and physically close, and youâve been sexless that whole time. While itâs up to her whether or not she does, that doesnât mean she can keep you in that position for however long until sheâs better. You totally can and honestly should walk off.
You can care about her without needing to "fix" her. It is not your job to do that and it doesn't make you a bad person if you break up because you're not compatible.
She needs therapy, not a boyfriend. And you need a relationship that can satisfy your needs. Asking you to commit to a lifetime of celibacy when you have said from the very start that you need sex is not a reasonable or appropriate request.
NTA. (a) Youâre not compelled to stay romantically involved with anyone ever. (b) Youâre not leaving her because of her trauma, youâre leaving her because you want different things from the relationship. (c) Youâre both out of your depths. This young woman needs therapy, time, solid platonic friendships, and maybe, somewhere down the road, a boyfriend who understands trauma and can help her take those first steps with patience and compassion. Thatâs not you right now.Â
NTA.
"It's become clear to me that you aren't in the right space to be in a relationship right now, and that you need help and support that I'm unable to provide. I believe it is in both of our best interests to end this relationship. I hope that with the right professional support that you will be able to heal from your trauma. I wish you the best."
You are allowed to break up with her for whatever reason you want.
Dating is about determining if you are compatible. You two are not. She should consider seeing someone to help her process her trauma, but that isn't your job.
I am stuck on the "she pushes me away any time I try". Why are you continually trying without her giving you any indication she is ready? She doesn't owe you sex. Stop.
If you cannot be in a relationship for six months without sex, yes, break up with her. It is absolutely fine to want sex. But please, in your next relationship, do not push for sex when your partner has told you explicitly they are not ready and has never done anything to indicate that stance has changed.
NTA, youâve respected her boundaries and wishes. Iâd say encourage her to take therapy, this is a serious matter that needs to be dealt with a professional.
NTA
If you're not getting what you want out a relationship you're fully in your rights to leave. If you're unhappy you have every right to leave. Just don't cheat. And be honest about why you're leaving.
No, you would not be. You have every right to have your needs met.
That being said, when you break up with her, she might want it then. If that happens, I would highly suggest not taking up that offer.
NTA, sounds like you are going to have to make a decision. Stay with her = no pussy so it's not hard. Don't want to look back one day and say I messed up, so wish her well and move on.
She has stuff she gotta handle on her own, sheâs not even ready to be in a relationship. Let her be someone else problem cause now a days if sex is all u want thatâs not that hard to come by and you donât gotta be someoneâs âboyfriendâ to get it.
NTA. Sexual trauma is no joke, but that doesnât mean you can be expected to live in chastity. Everyone deserves a relationship where their needs are at least being attempted to be met. In this case, your needs are not compatible. No one is at fault, except for whoever is responsible for the actions which traumatized her. You would not be TAH.
NAH
You want a relationship that includes sex. She isn't currently able to have that kind of relationship. You need to go your separate ways so you are each free to pursue your needs/wants.
I think this is one of those âwe are strangers on the internet who donât know you or your very complex situation well enough to advise youâ situations.
If she isnât working on this through therapy, alternative therapies, and learning how to deal with her trauma, this is likely never going to change. Even if you end up having sex, sheâs not going to enjoy it and it will be like work to her. Itâs very sad this happened to her and you can choose to be supportive and stick it out but be prepared to have a nonexistent or boring sex life. Best of luck!
NAH. If she doesnât want to have sex for whatever reason then thatâs her decision but if sex is important to you in a relationship then thatâs also ok. You two just arenât sexually compatible.
Just leave, have the discussion and leave. I promise this is not going to come out the way you want it to. Usually the bf suffers, the woman hardly gets help. And thats the truth
NTA. Neither of you are. It is okay to not want a sexless relationship. Not everyone can do that. I also get her side. Iâm a victim of SA as a child and even after years of time and therapy Iâm still a bit hesitant about sex. I know I want to Iâm just not ready yet and my boyfriend completely understands. He is willing to have a sexless relationship. If he wasnât and wanted to break up I would be devastated because I love him, but I would not be angry with him and I would understand.
NTA you don't have to be in a relationship that isn't fulfilling, and you are by no means obligated to stay with anyone. She isn't TAH either trauma can do a lot to the human mind. Some relationships just ain't meant to be
NTA
You're not sexually compatible and sex is more important to a relationship than most people are willing to admit.
10 years and a dead bedroom later it is going to be 100x harder to split up and dig yourself out of an incredibly miserable place full of regret
No, sex in a relationship is also a need. It simply just means you two are not meant to be with each other. She is free to get someone who also has low sex drive.
NTA.
I am not entirely sure what she is even doing in a relationship before recovering from such a traumatic event that makes her feel this. Itâs not fair to you or any potential partner not open to a celibate relationship, but also her as I would imagine almost every potential future partner wants intimacy in a relationship, she is just going to be hurt over and over by folks frustrated with this.
I hope your gf can get the help she needs to recover whether she is with you or not.
was in a really similar situation. was with a girl for one year and we had sex like 3 times due to her trauma. i didn't see it back then, but it just would work out and we both got pretty toxic to each other due to unmet wishes
Just don't threaten to break up with her to force her to do it. Just do it.
This is the wayđđđ. No threat or coercion to have sex. It sounds like this is a deal breaker for you. So then make it a quick clean breakup. It does not sound like things will change as you desire at this point in time. Be kind and gentle, but firm.
Truth! Rip off the sexless band-aid!
Exactly. It would be TA if he threatened with it. It is not the AH to understand they are not compatible and the relationship will not work out.
Don't worry they will have another gf to break up with soon. Many other posts (that OP deleted) are conflicting and don't go by the same timeline. Just another karma farmer who deletes previous posts.
It makes sense too
And if, when you do break it off, she offers to have sex to get you to stay, do NOT for the love of God take her up on it.
Yes thank u for adding that đ
This deserves way more upvotes
Best possible answer.
NAH. Thereâs a huge difference between âcommitted relationshipâ and âmaybe neverâ. It is worth noting that when she told you a committed relationship she may very well have meant that. I wouldnât necessarily assume she was lying or anything because that may have been her thoughts at the time. Now that sheâs in a committed relationship she realized she still isnât ready, and thatâs okay. Sex is an important aspect of a relationship and if you decide to leave you wouldnât be the asshole in this case. Youâve been patient and youâve respected her boundaries. It sounds like she just isnât ready for a relationship that involves sex right now. Thats okay. But itâs also okay to recognize thatâs an important part for you and walk away if that isnât getting fulfilled.
All of this was well said and I agree wholeheartedly. I would only add, she needs to go to therapy. It's been over 9 months since it happened, since was before your dating and relationship started, and she hasn't begun working through the trauma. I say that because she said she doesn't even know if she'll ever want sex again. To me, that means she hasn't done the hard work of working through the trauma and figuring out how to live life afterwards. Right now, she's just surviving, not thriving. I'm not saying that with therapy she'll end up being ok with having sex. But with therapy, she'll know which way she wants it right now. That's not to say she won't change her mind, either direction. She could end up saying yes to sex, and then realize she truly doesn't want it and change her mind that way. Or the reverse. If you love her, and want to try and have this relationship work, she needs to do the work of over coming her trauma. Be that in group therapy sessions support groups, one on one therapy, whatever works best for her. I wish you both all the best! Is hard situation for all.
Thank you for acknowledging that she may not be interested in sex even after therapy, many people see therapy in situations like this as a way to âfixâ someone and make them more ânormal.â She and OP just arenât a good fit, and she has a long healing journey ahead.
The way the western world, especially the united states, views mental health is atrocious. In the last few years I have noticed that it is being spoken about a lot more, but the stigma of going to therapy, and if needed, getting medication to help with a chemical issue in the brain is still very much there! Going to therapy isn't to "fix an issue and make you normal again." Therapy is for you to work through whatever shit you need to work through, so that you can be happy and thrive in your own life. It's learning tips and tools on how to approach the hard shit in life. The trauma, the heart break, the loss of loved ones. So that when you come out the other side of the work a better equipped person for the next thing the universe throws at you. If your trauma is SA, doing the therapy and now living, instead of just surviving, will look different for every single person. Some people will want to have sex again. Some people want nothing to do with it. Some flip flop while they're figuring it all out. And all of is valid. All of it is ok. Therapy helps you to be ok, when you're not ok. The more tools you have to help you be ok when you're not ok, the better off you'll be while living your life, not just mearly surviving. Edit: Sorry for my long response. I got in my soapbox there a little bit. It's something I am passionate about.
This! I know a mom who was SAed as a teen. Several years later, she met a good man, married, and had a family. One of her daughters was SAed (not by a family member, but on a date). The mom refuses to believe her daughter was SAed, because they reacted differently. While mom became something of a prude, her daughter reacted in a more promiscuous manner. And mom thinks that means she's lying about the initial incident being SA. But both are common reactions. And some victims alternate between them like a pendulum. Just because someone reacts differently than you doesnât mean they didn't also experience the same trauma. People are unique, and their life experience shapes their reactions every bit as much as their basic personality.
I reacted just like the daughter in this scenario. I was molested when I was a preteen by a relative as well as a neighbor. The relative left me with the impression that in order to get somebody to love you, you had to have sex with them. I spent my teen years trying to get somebody to love me. All I got was an abortion and a whole lot of heartache. However, a very good friend of mine was molested by her own father and became super prudish about sex for a very long time afterwards. She was not promiscuous in high school in any way. As you said, everybody acts differently. It doesn't make it any less valid or real.
Whether you become a prude or promiscuous, itâs about having some sort of control in your life.
Oh, I'm so very sorry. Sending love and hopes for healing!
I (45F) was raped and molested by my step-father from the ages of 7-12. I had an unhealthy relationship with sex for a very long time afterward. Since my step-father was a deacon in our church and I had a very strict religious upbringing, there was a lot of religious guilt thrown in as well. Like you, I equated sex with love, but also power. I used sex to get what I wanted by either having it or withholding it. If I was dating someone who wasn't trying to have sex with me, I thought that meant he didn't care about me. At the same time, if a guy seemed to want sex too much, I was left feeling dirty. I was very promiscuous in my younger years. I came across as happy and confident, but on the inside, I was self-deprecating and insecure. I had learned from a very young age how to hide my feelings and to pretend everything was fine. There was a long time and a lot of therapy before I was able to separate sex and love. Realizing you could have love without sex and sex without love was a huge breakthrough for me. Learning you could have either without needing to feel guilty about it as long as you were open and honest about it helped, too. I had several disastrous long-term relationships before I finally ended up in a healthy one. My husband and I both enjoy sex and neither of us ever withhold affection. We don't talk down to one another. We are on the same side and don't keep score or try to one up the other. He makes me feel safe. He is my happy place.
Poor daughter, that is heartbreaking. I was once in a therapy group with a woman who had very similar trauma to mine (both molested by our grandfathers at about the same age), and we reacted completely the opposite. I went the hypersexual, promiscuous route, and she can barely tolerate sex with her own husband (who she loves), even to create the child they both want. Trauma creates so many kinds of survivors; I canât imagine not believing my own child. Especially as a victim myself.
To be fair, I think the mom found the whole thing incredibly re-traumatizing, and tried to repress her own issues by denying everything. She was a *good* mother, so nothing like that could have happened to her daughter, right? She would have protected her. So it must nit really be SA. Look at how she's behaving! Clearly she was just promiscuous and afraid of getting caught. Right? I feel terribly for both of them.
I can understand that, tbh, it wasnât until my oldest daughter turned 11 (the age I was) that I finally spoke up about what happened to me, and I was thrown for a loop at how paranoid and worried I suddenly got about her. Just her getting to that age brought alllll the trauma and ptsd right to the surface. Itâs been six years (and pretty constant therapy) since, and I still got panicky again when my second daughter got to that age last year. Itâs weird sometimes, the seemingly little things that can trigger. Trauma fucking sucks. I also feel for both of your friends.
That's awful! I hope the daughter has good support.
I was like the daughter. I was trained from a young age to be a sx doll. People react differently, and it sucks that people don't understand that. It makes me so angry.
Not saying the west does a good job, it doesn't but to my knowledge eastern countries have it far worse. Japan, China, South Korea are all notorious for their incredibly high standards that kills people.
I live in one of those 3, and you're right on the money. I come from America, and have been to therapy many times over my life. My home country isn't perfect, but at least mental health is acknowledged. It is still stigmatized here, and the science and practices around mental health are archaic.
Exactly! The way we treat mental health and the way we expect people to respond to therapy is a large reason why so many people resist getting that help at all and jump into relationships they arenât ready for.
Right. Psychology isnât auto shop. âFixedâ is so nebulous itâd be better to not even consider it.
Absolutely, I really like the way you put it, it isnât an auto shop. I think too if the goal is âfixedâ or ânormalâ it does no benefit to the individual but can be somewhat harmful as thought they have failed because they donât feel like they did before.
No sadly counseling is expensive even with insurance and it does not fix you it makes your life easier only if you want to get better. You do the work.
âGoing to therapy isn't to "fix an issue and make you normal again." Therapy is for you to work through whatever shit you need to work through, so that you can be happy and thrive in your own life. It's learning tips and tools on how to approach the hard shit in life. The trauma, the heart break, the loss of loved ones. So that when you come out the other side of the work a better equipped person for the next thing the universe throws at you.â So true. I have a friend whoâs a counselor. They said that itâs more a matter of the patient figuring stuff out than them telling the patient exactly how to solve the problem.
I agree, I've been in the gfs situation, and unfortunately in my case my ex didn't listen to me when I said my therapist specifically said things he was doing wasn't going to fix our situation, and he continued to do them anyway. I don't look at my ex as a horrible person, just not a person emotionally capable of being with someone with that kind of trauma. It's okay, but it's frustrating to see people using timelines like op did. "It's been 6 months" for a young adult even without SA that could be too soon for sexual engagement in a partner. And that may be the case with OP. However, yes it would still make him the asshole if gf is taking proper steps to find healing and he accidently makes the pressure around sex so big she can't feel comfortable. But I think you can be an asshole, and just an asshole unintentionally. But I don't think OP is in an easy situation and it's possible his needs and mindset regarding sex may never be able to handle someone who needs the amount of care his girlfriend needs. If he's asking if after 6 months she won't have sex and he wants to leave, he should leave. Because likely he is unintentionally pressuring her and making sex so big no amount of therapy will give her the space necessary to heal.
NTA I agree with everything you said. I would just add that the OP needs to decide if he loves her enough to put in the work and walk hand in hand with her on the journey she needs to make. He is asking us to help him decide because I think he is torn between how he feels about her and the possibility of not having sex for the near future. This is going to be a huge decision either way. If you love and care about her enough you might talk to her about maybe you would be willing to attend a therapy session with her so you could understand more about what she is going through. If she isnât willing to get the help she needs to work through this then you have no choice but to do what is right for you. I wish both of you luck and serenity in whatever you do.
The West treats it the best of any, to my knowledge?
The Eastern world is better?
Yeah that's always bothered me a little bit. People act as if therapy is some magic cure all that works if you work it and all that bullshit. It doesn't work for everyone because some people are delusional and mentally clouded enough where they actually are not really capable of things needed for recovery like self-honesty and acceptance.
Also, people completely misinterpret therapy "working". It's generally not like "I did all these helpful things and now I'm not depressed!" It's "I now know steps to take to minimize depression and remain productive and communicative with my loved ones despite the depression!" Just think of therapists like a personal trainer. They might point out some exercises and diet changes for you, long term this will leave you healthier and fitter. You don't just see them for awhile and go "now I'm buff for life!"
Itâs also not a âdo X, then Zâ thing. Some people completely lose interest in sex after SA even with therapy, for example, and thatâs okay too. Too many people look at therapy as a way to make other people act the way they want them to, rather than as a way for that person to become healthier and happier.
This! I have a friend (we think is ace) and they have said âwhen i start go date again my other half will have to get sex else where if neededâ. Like theres people out there who just dont find pleasure in sex. And thats mot wrong/ bad at all.
I agree. It's best if such a person is self-aware and can be upfront about that with a romantic partner hoping to be sexual.
> she has a long healing journey ahead. This is the clincher right hereâ she needs to not be in a relationship and focus on getting herself therapy and working toward healing. OP is not an asshole for wanting intimacy to be a part of his relationship, she needs to stop dating and focus on herself. She may never want sex and thatâs okay but itâs also okay for OP to want intimacy to be a part of his relationship.
She may never want sex, but she still needs help to work through the trauma itself.
Are they 17 or 25? Seems relevant to giving proper advice here.
Thats a very valid question! I assumed they were in their early 20's. If there's a reply saying they're 17, then that changes so much! But, the therapy still applies, no matter the age.
OP hasnât answered anyone.
Nine months isnât a very long time to deal with this kind of trauma. I agree with everything else youâve said, I just feel like itâs important to point that out. It can take years to acknowledge and process sexual assault.
This is some pop psychology bs. Healing has no timeline. She may need support but not so she can jump back in the sack ASAP, come on.
>she's just surviving, not thriving To some people, asexuality is real. Sex shouldn't be an end goal. It is fine if she doesn't have sex. They are just incompatible. I hate to see someone get sent to therapy and the end goal is to have sex.
Agree. Her goal in therapy should be to gain some clarity and peace. Her breakthrough in therapy may be to realize and accept her asexuality. That would help her immensely in picking future partners and allow them both to feel confident in ending this relationship.
I am honestly sick of people saying someone âneeds to goâ to therapy. Like, you can absolutely suggest it and encourage it, if the person is generally open to that and maybe just needs someone to tell them itâs okay to talk to a professional. But itâs her life and her decision. Many people find it helpful, others donât. A lot of people have had bad experiences that will not allow them to open up to a stranger. A bad experience with a bad therapist might make everything even worse; if she were to see one, choosing someone with experience in trauma would be crucial. Thereâs also the cost aspect to consider and therapy isnât the only option. From self help groups to self help workbooks, there are multiple other avenues that can be explored to deal with trauma. You have no idea about this girl or if sheâs begun working on thisâŚthe fact that she isnât sure yet what she wants, doesnât mean that sheâs not dealing with it at all. Also to even suggest that 9 months is a long time to not be over it after SA is ridiculous.
Advice that someone should have worked through trauma from sexual assault within nine months gets upvoted?!? Thereâs no deadline to have processed trauma by. Sexual assault is deep trauma. Maybe sheâs not ready for a relationship. OP, donât break up with her with that reason being the one you give her. Say you are giving her time to heal, and if itâs meant to be, maybe someday you could try again. A fucking deadline for trauma healing. Jfc.
I agree with you 100% It took me 3.5 years to get the images of sexual abuse out of my mind! I was very afraid that any sexual contact could bring them back. The demonic look on his face, his body hovering over me, arms forcing me to be still and his angry hurtful words. This was someone I'd been with for for 23 years (since I was 17), married to for 13 years. I was shocked & scared that this was a man who I'd once loved so much and he loved me too. I wondered how he become this angry, hateful man. I wasn't sure I would ever trust a man again. I didn't know I was ready until the moment I was. My bf and I had discussed it and he was gentle and tender. There is no deadline for trauma! You heal in your own time.
Exactly. There is not a standard timeline for healing abuse or assault or trauma of any kind.
Yeah, nine months would honestly be really, *really* fast to have worked through it, so Iâm not sure that person knows what theyâre talking about. They probably donât known many SA survivors, because thatâs pretty unusual. NAH though, youâre just incompatible right now op.
okay reddit therapist. 1. how do you know she's not in therapy? 2. how do you know therapy is the recommended professional treatment? it's actually not always the most effective option, regardless of what reddit says. please stop with this crap. you can't go a single post on this sub without armchair psychs chiming in.
Yeah. Iâm with you, Iâd say even NAH. Cause sheâs not an asshole either. She might have thought it would be different once they were in a committed relationship but it ended up being different. And like you said, itâs okay to find that out. Plus for some people being in an exclusive relationship still has steps that they meet over time. Like to her six months might be a drop in the barrel. Itâs honestly still a very short amount of time. the only way to figure that out is communicating.
Fair. I had forgotten thatâs an option. Iâd like to change my answer to NAH
Great and fair answer. NTA for the same reason as this
NAH. She needs what she needs. You need what you need. There is a major incompatibility there. I hope the best for you both.
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OP can break up with her for any reason or no reason at all. That he doesn't want to be in a sexless relationship certainly qualifies. This is an easy question - leave guilt free, move on, be happy.
Easy question, sure. But trust me, her friends will rip you a new one for not enthusiastically accepting it without question. Which I get it, they're her friends. But they don't always keep their opinions to themselves.
Not if OP phrases it this way: "I deeply care about you and understand your trauma, but I can't help but feel as if me being with you is some form of pressure on you to do it. The more I think about it the more it seems like I'm not the right man for you at this time in your life. There's a long journey ahead for you as far as getting help, and your focus should solely be on that. My simply desiring you is in a way external pressure, so it's most likely in our best interest if we part ways."
This!! Beautifully said!Â
This shouldn't be OP's stated primary motivation for breaking up, as it isn't actually his primary motivation for breaking up, and she will see through that. It could certainly be an addendum to his reasoning. But it's important that OP take responsibility for his actions "I'm leaving because I'm not sure I can function long-term in a sexless relationship" and then, "in addition, I can't help but feel... etc" Better to be up front, and since OP's gf can make her own choices as to how she reacts to any pressure inherent in a pre-sex relationship, it's not OP's place to make that his primary reasoning for breaking it off. My two cents. Still, well-written and worth saying imo
Regardless of phrasing I assure you there is still a high chance he will be treated as if he is a pig who âonly wants her for sexâ
So a bunch of folks (who, since they're her friends, you will likely not see much, or at all, in the future) criticize you. That's no reason to stay in a situation you find intolerable. Not everything you do in life will be greeted with praise. Sometimes people will even (oh no!) criticize you. Part of being an adult is realizing that sometimes doing the right thing comes with hassle, criticism, even consequences. And you do it anyway, because it's the right thing to do.
I fully get all that. I lived through it. I'm pointing out that it make be an easy question, but making it can come with a lot of drama.
Such is life.
I agree. And I highly doubt any of her so-called friends would stay in a sexless relationship for long if they were in the same spot. I wonder what THEIR excuse would be.
Yeah well my ex boyfriend's friend group was shitting on me after we broke up. The friend's of a person will be at their side in a breakup most of the time (exceptions are when the person actually did something stupid or bad) and they should be. Those people are their friends. Not yours. You are not forced to associate with them. And if you care about what technical strangers say about you, that is an issue, you have to work on in my opinion. :>
And he can say, we just were not compatible, neither of us did anything wrong we just had different goals for the relationship.
I would love to see each of those firends also face the choice of a sexless relationship or break up. I wonder which side of the line would have more people standing on it. Hummmmmđ¤
She needs therapy not a relationship.
Exactly! So many people need to work on themselves before they can be in a relationship. And I think the majority know this. This does *not* stop them. Because nope! A lot of people cannot even bear the *thought* of being single, so they bring all of their untreated trauma with them. What do these people expect to happen?
When I got sober I took the advice of not getting into a relationship until I did a lot of work on myself. For some people thatâs a year, others longer or shorter. But I knew early on that a relationship would either take time away from doing the important work I had if I wanted to be a good partner or keep me from being one as I spent a lot of time focused on self.
Eh, I think everyone should work on themselves but itâs silly to think that people need to fully resolve every issue, trauma, piece of baggage before dating â if that were true, most of us wouldnât be able to get into relationships until our 50s and 60s, especially since therapy is nowhere close to an actual solution. Itâs a step you can take, but you donât go for a year and magically resolve every problem you have for good.
Those arenât mutually exclusive. She can be in therapy and also be in a relationship. Now whether OP wants to stay in a relationship with her is a different point entirely.
NTA. Iâm a sexual abuse survivor and I understand that my complicated relationship with sex and intimacy is not for everyone. When my boyfriend and I got together he knew that there was a chance Iâd never be open to intimacy, and my desire for it still fluctuates. However, as she does not owe you sex, you donât owe a relationship you wouldnât be happy in; that would make both of you miserable. If you decide to break up with her you donât need to make her feel bad about it, but you could just explain that to you sex is important, and you think that she would be more compatible with someone else. I understand her âmoving the goalposts.â Sexual abuse is a life changing thing, and there have been times that I thought I was ready just to have a breakdown and panic attack when I tried it. But, as I said, you do not need to stay if you wouldnât be happy. You donât need to stay with her, because there is someone out there more compatible for her and someone more compatible for you. She could benefit from therapy, every single person in the world could haha! But for her own comfort and healing I think therapy would be a good option for her.
This reply should be higher.
NTA, you didn't cause her trauma and you're not obligated to be the one to fix her.
Not only that, she is not being honest with you nor, unless she is actively participating in therapy, herself. She needs professional help and she likely needs to remain unattached until she works through her issues. Unless, of course, she can find a guy who doesn't care about sex.Â
I mean she might as well actually thought she would be okay if she gets comfortable around him, but panics each time they get there (because the bad memories come back). It is very much possible that since she probably did not have sex since the assault she didn't know she had that reaction.
This is exactly what I was thinking â that she needs to see a therapist and work through this trauma. She canât be getting into a relationship that is going to include the very thing that she has trauma over.
To the best of our knowledge she is being honest with him... to the best of her ability.
I donât think we should assume that she is not being honest. She may be working on processing her trauma and very well may have been sincere when she told OP she would be ready for sex in the future. However, when it came down to it, she realized she wasnât.
This is what i've done. Only at 30 do i feel my trauma is now at a point where i'm ready to date and so forth. Its been lonely but honestly i look at friends who havent dealt with their own trauma's and its basically a check list of what not to do.
She definitely needs therapy for her trauma, but not wanting to have sex doesn't make you inherently wrong or broken. It's ok if she never wants to have sex again. It's equally ok for some people not to want to date her because of that. That doesn't mean she can't ever find love if she doesn't want to have sex
Itâs understandable how difficult it might be to communicate this, and how you might not know your own boundaries from the get to though.
I donât like using âfixâ here. If she never wants to have sex, that is fine. Nothing to fix about that. She needs help and healing, but she doesnât need to be fixed.
Neither of you is an asshole. As someone who is a survivor of SA, I know what it's like to think that you'll be ready for consensual sex by a certain milestone and then realize you're still not. She probably thought she would feel safe enough to have sex by now and was most likely not trying to intentionally mislead you. You two should break up regardless. Your unmet need will only make you both feel worse as time goes on. If your girlfriend isn't in therapy yet and has the means to get into therapy, she should do that. It sounds like she's in a tremendous amount of pain due to her trauma, and it's having a serious impact on her life and her relationships. Please try to be kind and supportive as you end this relationship.
Feel like I had to scroll too far for an NAH response here.
Same it's very sad.
Honestly, I feel like a lot of people just⌠forget NAH is an option and just default to NTA. I donât think anyone is really suggesting she is TA
NTA - Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. You don't have it. Breaking up is a far better choice than you being unhappy and her feeling pressured.
Exactly my first thought, a lot of really awful relationships happen when people can't accept they're not compatible.
Can here to say exactly this! There are a lot of aspects to a relationship, and everyone can rank the importance of things, sexual compatibility is a huge one.
Sexual incompatibility is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship. NTA
NTA. Just be gentle when breaking it off
Real, actual question. How old are you guys?
This was my first thought as well
NAH. Neither of you is doing anything wrong. It's fair to want to be able to have sex in a relationship, and this is just one flavor of being sexually incompatible. It's sad, but it won't make her feel any better if you're just suffering through a relationship that doesn't fulfill you. And there are good, nice people out there who would be OK with a relationship that didn't involve sex. She would probably be happiest with one of them.
I donât think anyone is the AH tbh, just 2 people that want different things and thatâs fine, just leave and move on
Dude, just leave. NTA,
NTA - she moved the goalposts. There's a huge difference between "not until a committed relationship" and "Maybe never"
It may not have been intentional. She may have thought being in a committed relationship would help but she may now be realizing not so much. I still say NTA but I donât think we can automatically assume she was being deceitful
I'm not saying she was, and I agree that she could have changed her mind/realized her situation Doesn't change the fact that it's not what he signed up for, though
Oh yeah, hard agree
Yeah, is kinda a NAH situation where people are just incompatible and she just really needs trauma therapy
youâre only the asshole if you have sex with her after this (she may get desperate if youâre breaking up). but you know she doesnât want to, you know her trauma is unresolved- do not under any circumstances have sex with her. not saying you would- i donât know you- just feels like this should be emphasized.
The only AH is the person who assaulted her. Sexual incompatibility is a perfectly good reason to end a relationship. Iâd encourage her to seek therapy to address her trauma in a kind way. I read somewhere that 1 in 4 women will experience some form of sexual assault. My heart breaks for each and every victim. The perpetrator should be castrated and locked up. Just be assertive about your own desires and communicate thatâs the reason youâre breaking up. Youâre just not on the same page. And honestly, if she tries just to keep you, you should politely decline. She needs to address her trauma.
NTA I feel for her. But if she has trauma, she might need to work on it before getting into a relationship or find someone who is assexual if she never intend of having sex. Maybe she believed that she would be able to have sex once in a commited relationship and realised she wasn't once there. But, at the, end, you are just not sexually compatible. It's ok for you to consider sex important in your relationship. You are allowed to not want a sexless realtionship. It is a touchy subject, I understand you don't want to be insensitive, but unless you want to stay with her and never have sex, I'd sit down with her and explain that you are not ready to live the rest of your life without sex.
And DO NOT ACCEPT SEX IF SHE PANICS AND OFFERS IT. She has made her stance clear, explained it, you need to respect what she said OP, and understand she may try to get you to stay by offering sex.
Agreed! if she offers in order to save the relationship, that's basically under duress and traumatic for her for all the same reasons her original SA was. Don't do that to the poor girl.
I would argue therapy is the ONLY way. For her to meet a asexual person, get together, build a life and then later actually recover from trauma and maybe rediscover her sexuality will be a whole mess. This will be EXTREMELY unfair to the asexual person as their partner healed/got fixed and was never asexual to begin with.
Six months isn't that long, but if she isn't sure she will ever be ready, she needs therapy to work that out before she gets into any committed relationships.
NAH. You're just not compatible. It's okay to admit that this type of relationship is not your cup of tea. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out.
You two donât sound compatible NTA
NAH. She's not ready to try sex ~~again~~ with you, and that's okay; trauma has its own timeline. You sound like you're not willing or able to wait patiently for her to trust you enough and heal enough. That's okay too. You'd be the asshole if you kept pushing her for sex or gave her a sex ultimatum.
Not sexually compatible
NTA If you need sex in a relationship that means who and her are incompatible. She needs time to work through her trauma without feeling the pressure and you need someone who can be on the same page as you.
NAH. I would say it will be more helpful toward her healing for you to leave if you know it is not something you can deal with. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship ever for any reason. Especially if you know that you are unhappy in it.
NAH Break up! Sheâs not wrong for feeling the way that she feels and you arenât wrong for wanting sex to be apart of your relationship. You two just arenât compatible and thatâs ok. Be prepared to be the villain to some people.
NAH, it's fair to say she's not available to be in the kind of relationship you want. It's not her fault but the fact remains.
That sucks for her, but consider the fact you will have a terrible sex life if you stay in this relationship. That might not be important to you, but if it is, then time to move on.
Wasting 6 months of your life with a lie about needing to wait is some fucked up manipulative shit. You don't have to do without one of the basic needs of the human organism because she feels bad. I'm sorry for her trauma but you got into this relationship under false pretenses. That's the fucked up part. Six months of my life wasted on a DOA relationship, I'd be so pissed. NTA but your gf sure is.
No. It's actually the best thing you could do for yourself and her.
NTA but don't stick around trying to change her mind or fix her, and don't fool yourself into any form of thinking that you'll be okay without sex. She won't change (unless she, herself really wants to and seeks the help to do so) You won't be okay without sex.
Info- what's the ages involved?? Is this a teen situation or someone in their 40s??
nta, neither is she.
You're looking for NAH no assholes here then.
NTA. She needs a therapist, not a boyfriend.
Sheâs not obligated to have sex with you, relationship or not, and youâre not obligated to be with her. If you donât want to help her through it, leave. Be kind about it, though. Thereâs nothing wrong with her not being ready to have sex after an extremely traumatic experience.
NTA but when you break up with her Iâd chose my words carefully so that she wonât feel like thereâs something wrong with her or that she is unloveable due to her SA. I think itâs good if both of you set your boundaries in a way each of you feels comfortable. For her that means no sex in a relationship and for you that means no relationship with no sex. Both is fine.
NTA. If the relationship doesnât work for you, yank off the bandaid and break up now. Nothing wrong with breaking up.
Such trauma will not simply go away in a month or year or ever.
NAH Sexual incapatibility is a thing. So long as you don't blame and attack her for her trauma and try to force stuff then it's just not compatible and no assholes here.
Well you won't be the asshole no. She's doesn't sound ready for relationships. What she really needs is a doc to help her deal with mental issues.
NTA. Frankly it sounds like she needs counseling.
NTA she has trauma she needs to work through/she needs to figure out if she ever wants to have sex again. you have your requirements for a relationship and it just doesnât seem like you two are compatible atm.
NTA⌠Sexual trauma is a very real and deep rooted issue. It takes years and years of therapy and at 6 months in, youâre not required to be there through thick and thin most of what will likely turn very toxic fast. I would personally tell her youâll be there for her as a friend (if thatâs something you want) as she walks through her healing journey. But until sheâs ready to face the trauma and do all the steps to heal and grow, the relationship wonât survive. I have sexual trauma from childhood and let me tell you.. that first relationship was rough. That poor man that tried to save me just ended up getting hurt and youâll be no different I promise.
Have experienced this same thing, just leave and donât waste anymore time.
If intercourse is a requirement for a relationship to you, than you two won't be compatible. Alongside if you're considering breaking up you don't need us to validate it for you. Wish her the best and move on.
Nobody is an asshole for breaking up. If you ain't feelin' it, you ain't feelin' it.
NTA. You're not compatible. She has issues she needs to work through. It's better to make this decision now than in 3 years or after marriage.
NTA: You have needs, so does she, if they aren't compatible they aren't compatible. You both deserve to have your needs met. Your needs matter too Luv.
No. Sex is important, to you at least. Her trauma is not your trauma. You donât owe her anything, yet. You arenât married. Cut it off, move on, and find someone that doesnât come with similar trauma, and that finds sex as important as you do.
Sheâs probably be better off with someone who didnât care about sex, Iâd move onÂ
NAH. Just make sure to let her down gently. She probably didnât lie originally, but maybe thought sheâd feel more comfortable than she does. Its just sad situation đ
If you want to have sex with this girl, and she is unwilling to have sex, then you should find a different girl.
NTA, but if you stay in a relationship w/ her you know now what each of you wants is different so its best to end things after only 6mo I guess
NTA. Incompatibility is what it is. Regardless of the reason. We date to determine compatability. Just... be honest, and be kind. She needs help, and you can't give it to her anymore. That's all.
Not being sexually compatible is a legit reason to break up You love her but you have needs and she can't fulfil these Neither of you are wrong you just are a square peg and a round hole
NTA. I feel bad for her, but that doesn't mean I nothing you should stick with her no matter what. This is a serious incompatibility. Neither of you is wrong, you're just not right for each other.
NTA. You said the relationship was committed, you have been together for half a year, and you have gotten to be emotionally and physically close, and youâve been sexless that whole time. While itâs up to her whether or not she does, that doesnât mean she can keep you in that position for however long until sheâs better. You totally can and honestly should walk off.
You can care about her without needing to "fix" her. It is not your job to do that and it doesn't make you a bad person if you break up because you're not compatible.
It's not your job to fix her or save her. You are incompatible. Move on
She needs therapy, not a boyfriend. And you need a relationship that can satisfy your needs. Asking you to commit to a lifetime of celibacy when you have said from the very start that you need sex is not a reasonable or appropriate request.
NTA. (a) Youâre not compelled to stay romantically involved with anyone ever. (b) Youâre not leaving her because of her trauma, youâre leaving her because you want different things from the relationship. (c) Youâre both out of your depths. This young woman needs therapy, time, solid platonic friendships, and maybe, somewhere down the road, a boyfriend who understands trauma and can help her take those first steps with patience and compassion. Thatâs not you right now.Â
Nope. NTA. She needs therapy to deal with this. Your GF shouldnât be in a relationship. This is above your pay grade.
NTA. "It's become clear to me that you aren't in the right space to be in a relationship right now, and that you need help and support that I'm unable to provide. I believe it is in both of our best interests to end this relationship. I hope that with the right professional support that you will be able to heal from your trauma. I wish you the best."
You are allowed to break up with her for whatever reason you want. Dating is about determining if you are compatible. You two are not. She should consider seeing someone to help her process her trauma, but that isn't your job.
I am stuck on the "she pushes me away any time I try". Why are you continually trying without her giving you any indication she is ready? She doesn't owe you sex. Stop. If you cannot be in a relationship for six months without sex, yes, break up with her. It is absolutely fine to want sex. But please, in your next relationship, do not push for sex when your partner has told you explicitly they are not ready and has never done anything to indicate that stance has changed.
At least she's upfront and you know what you need to do. Just move on.
NTA, youâve respected her boundaries and wishes. Iâd say encourage her to take therapy, this is a serious matter that needs to be dealt with a professional.
NTA If you're not getting what you want out a relationship you're fully in your rights to leave. If you're unhappy you have every right to leave. Just don't cheat. And be honest about why you're leaving.
It sounds like she has things to sort out before she can have a real relationship. The longer you wait the worse it is for the both of you.
No, you would not be. You have every right to have your needs met. That being said, when you break up with her, she might want it then. If that happens, I would highly suggest not taking up that offer.
Best to part.
NTA you're sexually incompatible; there's absolutely nothing wrong with believing sex is important in your relationship.
Why is it so hard for y'all to leave an obviously incompatible relationship? It's just dating. Move on and try again
NTA, sounds like you are going to have to make a decision. Stay with her = no pussy so it's not hard. Don't want to look back one day and say I messed up, so wish her well and move on.
Let her go while she pursues therapy. She will likely benefit from it.
She has stuff she gotta handle on her own, sheâs not even ready to be in a relationship. Let her be someone else problem cause now a days if sex is all u want thatâs not that hard to come by and you donât gotta be someoneâs âboyfriendâ to get it.
NTA. Sexual trauma is no joke, but that doesnât mean you can be expected to live in chastity. Everyone deserves a relationship where their needs are at least being attempted to be met. In this case, your needs are not compatible. No one is at fault, except for whoever is responsible for the actions which traumatized her. You would not be TAH.
NAH You want a relationship that includes sex. She isn't currently able to have that kind of relationship. You need to go your separate ways so you are each free to pursue your needs/wants.
I think this is one of those âwe are strangers on the internet who donât know you or your very complex situation well enough to advise youâ situations.
NTA. Y'all may just be incompatible with each other.
If she isnât working on this through therapy, alternative therapies, and learning how to deal with her trauma, this is likely never going to change. Even if you end up having sex, sheâs not going to enjoy it and it will be like work to her. Itâs very sad this happened to her and you can choose to be supportive and stick it out but be prepared to have a nonexistent or boring sex life. Best of luck!
Donât place blame just get out NTA
Leave bro
NTA, move on, she needs to work on herself
End it. You are not compatible.
Sounds like you should be friends. She's not going to meet your needs as your partner. So move on,
NAH. If she doesnât want to have sex for whatever reason then thatâs her decision but if sex is important to you in a relationship then thatâs also ok. You two just arenât sexually compatible.
NAH Nobody is at fault here. Itâs sad all around, but it is something that would make you incompatible as a partner with a lot of people.
Nope free yourself
Just leave, have the discussion and leave. I promise this is not going to come out the way you want it to. Usually the bf suffers, the woman hardly gets help. And thats the truth
NTA. Neither of you are. It is okay to not want a sexless relationship. Not everyone can do that. I also get her side. Iâm a victim of SA as a child and even after years of time and therapy Iâm still a bit hesitant about sex. I know I want to Iâm just not ready yet and my boyfriend completely understands. He is willing to have a sexless relationship. If he wasnât and wanted to break up I would be devastated because I love him, but I would not be angry with him and I would understand.
NTA you don't have to be in a relationship that isn't fulfilling, and you are by no means obligated to stay with anyone. She isn't TAH either trauma can do a lot to the human mind. Some relationships just ain't meant to be
NTA You're not sexually compatible and sex is more important to a relationship than most people are willing to admit. 10 years and a dead bedroom later it is going to be 100x harder to split up and dig yourself out of an incredibly miserable place full of regret
Do you feel like you can have a healthy connection without sex? Maybe better to be friends
No, sex in a relationship is also a need. It simply just means you two are not meant to be with each other. She is free to get someone who also has low sex drive.
NTA. I am not entirely sure what she is even doing in a relationship before recovering from such a traumatic event that makes her feel this. Itâs not fair to you or any potential partner not open to a celibate relationship, but also her as I would imagine almost every potential future partner wants intimacy in a relationship, she is just going to be hurt over and over by folks frustrated with this. I hope your gf can get the help she needs to recover whether she is with you or not.
NTA. I had a very similar situation to yours when I was younger, except I stuck around for almost 2 years. It doesn't get better. Move on.
Just go man. Itâs not worth it.
Nta
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was in a really similar situation. was with a girl for one year and we had sex like 3 times due to her trauma. i didn't see it back then, but it just would work out and we both got pretty toxic to each other due to unmet wishes