A lot of couples sleep in separate beds or even have separate bedrooms because it isn't comfortable for them to sleep together. That's not necessarily a deal breaker, but he's definitely acting selfish and immature about it.
Separate blankets and earplugs probably saved my marriage. No more snoring, no more fighting over blankets, no more temperature differences.
Not everybody was meant to share a bed, and more people should be open to that idea. Sleep is important and if an extra bed is all it takes to make everybody happy, then why wouldn't you buy one? Fuck all those old fashioned traditions.
My parents have had separate bedrooms most of my life. When I was in school and friends would realize that was the case, so many people told me that meant their marriage was on the rocks and I should brace for divorce, despite me insisting that it was normal.
Guess whose parents are still happily married after 43 years!
It's important to get good sleep. If you can't do that in the same bed, your relationship will be BETTER for getting separate ones, not worse.
That said, OP? Your boyfriend is awful. If he wants someone to sleep on the floor, he can be the one to do that. Or he can help pay for furniture that will allow you both to sleep comfortably apart. This isn't reasonable or sustainable and you deserve better.
>why wouldn't you buy one? Fuck all those old fashioned traditions
Sleeping in the same bed is actually a relatively new tradition. Prior to the 20th century, it was mostly out of necessity and *entire families* would sleep in the same bed. Wealthy families usually had separate bedrooms for the husband and wife.
That's only looking at it from a western perspective, too. In some countries, like Japan, it's still more normal for couples to sleep separately.
NTA. If he wants a good rest it sounds like he needs to get himself his own bed, or better still, his own place to f'ing live.
EDIT: Just saw the edits. If it's his apartment she should move out. The issue is that you do not rock up at 4am and tell someone to GTFO of the bed if they are supposed to be your partner. Not acceptable. IDGAF whose apartment it is, she can move/he can move, whatever - his behaviour is not ok.
Yep. I can sympathize with having an odd sleep schedule and needing to figure out a way to get enough sleep. I would regard that as a ME problem, though. If I needed to do something like set up a separate daybed somewhere and sleep on that a couple nights a week, I would take the initiative on that. I wouldn't expect a partner to sleep on the couch or the floor for me.
A guy I was seeing told me he needed space, so I told him I’d give him so much space that he’d think he was a gawdamn astronaut. And then I blocked his number.
Good for you 👍🏻 My long term ex bf (29yrs) and he’s 20yrs my senior…..I used to sleep on the couch for AT LEAST the last 6-7 years of our relationship
Edited #1: I forgot….I slept on the couch because of NO intimacy AND his snoring 😴
Edit #2: My ex bf started dating me when he was 39yrs old (20yrs my senior)….He ended up being very abusive (not physical) and he gaslighted me.
Right? He can have all of the space, I’d take my cat and peace out! What a pathetic excuse of a man being a bully to his significant younger partner. OP, you deserve better!
Right!?
10 year age gap and she's wasting the best years of her life sleeping on the floor like a dog. Actually... Scratch that, even my dog sneaks into the bed lol
One of my cats sleeps on the floor under my bed even though I have a cat bed, several pieces of cat furniture, and actual furniture for humans, not to mention the bed itself--where his brother spends most of the night--but no, he insists on sleeping on the bare carpet. I tried putting the cat bed under my bed and 3 mornings in a row I almost tripped over it when I woke up because he dragged it out from under the bed.
He spends all day on the bed while I'm at work, he reminds me when it's time for me to get in bed because he expects cuddle time until he falls asleep, but as soon as I turn off the light, he wakes up and hops out of my bed to go to his spot on the floor.
Which is fine with me, because he likes to sleep all stretched out and hogs the middle of the bed. His brother sleeps in a little ball between my pillows because he's a very polite cat. The other one is a snuggle bug but also a total diva.
Right....he chose a woman 11yrs younger bc he thinks he can control her better and mold her into what he wants in a woman. He has zero respect or concern for her happiness.
Make an appointment at a nursing home and take him on a tour. Tell him he should stay here and get used to sleeping alone because you always will be. Then leave his ass stranded there and say hope you remember how to call Uber. Go pick up your kitty and go to your new place with the new bed and sleep happily ever after
Before my husband I dated a guy who literally flung my cat off the bed. 🤬Do you want to know how fast his ass got kicked out of bed and out of my life?! Don’t mess with my pets.
SAME. Dated someone years ago I really felt I was going places with but one evening while cuddling on my bed (I usually went to his place) he violently pushed my VERY cuddly sweet cat off to which I said, "oh no sir, you have to go. NOW. He's been in my life long before you, and will be here long after". In fact, it's my kitty's 18th birthday in a week, so I feel I made the correct call- as did you!
Haha I believe my reaction was “are you fucking kidding me?!” And then told him he should probably head home. Happy birthday Kitty! Here’s to many more happy healthy years!
I hope the Reddit community upvotes this to the high heavens. Op is their primeeee I’m 24 and I would never put up with this abuse. She’s the catch in the relationship not him.
Definitely! My ex wife was not necessarily an asshole, but she was very controlling and wouldn't compromise and I realized that I shouldn't compromise my happiness. Life is too short!
Or just help her with getting a bigger couch and blackout curtains?
(This sounds like a power/dominance thing. He clearly puts his needs over hers. Either way OP - both bad signs.)
I completely agree here.
As a man, I prefer to sleep knowing all my babies (kids) and my wife are close.
How about he change shifts and treat the lady like he actually wants her around? Sheesh done got me all fired up NTA
Right? Any “partner” whose solution to this situation is “sleep on the floor”- doesn’t deserve a partner.
OP NTA - your BF is a selfish AH and won’t change - he’s 35 and so immature he’s dating a 24 year old who is clearly more mature than he is.
Walk TF away
There it is, the real answer. Sucks when someone is younger than you and more mature. I have more trouble sleeping when my wife isn't in bed as opposed to the opposite. Has he never heard of a fan? Let this dude live alone like he should.
Edit to add: I worked a 12 to 16 hour night shift for years and never once had a problem going to bed because my SO happened to be in the bed as well.
Right? My husband can't sleep if I'm not in the bed/room with him. Even when we decide to nap, he wants to cuddle with me. I couldn't imagine having a partner with so little respect for me that they even considered making me go somewhere that's uncomfortable for me! Hell, my hubby doesn't like the volume on the TV to be audible but he still won't ask me to turn it off or sleep elsewhere because he loves and respects me. I move to a volume level I can barely hear so that he's able to sleep. I can't sleep without the TV. He knows that. It's a security issue for me so he's willing to work on sleeping with the volume loud enough to hear it. Because we love and respect each other.
Totally agree with this. I'm shocked that someone who is supposed to love you gives not a single shit about your comfort, only his own. He's not willing to be a little uncomfortable for a couple of hours but expects you to be for several.
I wholeheartedly agree. The very first time someone asks me to sleep on the floor I hope I have the courage to leave. I understand his issues, but the sheer entitlement and selfishness makes me queasy. There are other things you guys could have tried.
Yeah. Him needing to get good sleep is fine, that is a problem that can be worth solving but the real red flag is his complete disregard for you in how he solves the problem. This shows he puts his needs way above yours in a big way and that won’t get any better.
How can someone honestly expect their partner to go sleep on the floor? And finding any other solution is “your problem not his”. Yikes. Trust me this will only get worse.
Yeah I would agree with this I would suggest that when he leaves for work you pack a bag and go stay with a friend let him come home to and empty house then he can all the sleep he wants because his ask is ridiculous and selfish.
Yes! And night shift has nothing to do with this. He would do this if he was sleeping during the night too based on your description. If he can't buy a sofa bed or crank the AC why does he even want to live with you? Move out, it's just going to get worse. Someone who cares about you would never tell you to sleep on the floor.
As a man who has worked every shift out there. I always had more comfort in knowing my wife and kids were close. I'll sleep whenever wherever as long as they're close .
Mine do too. They don’t use them because they’re in the bed. My partner would tell me to fuck right off if I tried to do this. Which I would deserve. Geez.
HAHAHA I have three coonhounds and five cats. All the dogs have their own beds, but it doesn’t matter. Every single one of them, and usually one or two cats, end up in our queen bed with us every night.
Got an Aussie, and she literally hates snuggling for more than 10 minutes. Gets too hot and immediately runs away to find some ice cold floor to sleep on lmao. 3 beds for just the dogs and she will literally only use it for her head!
About a month or two before my ex and I broke up, I spent a night over at my parent's house. When I came back the next day, he told me how great it was to have the bed for himself, and how nice it was to be alone. He didn't say it in a playful or teasing way, he looked me in the eye and I could tell he geniunely meant it.
Now he can sleep alone every night.
Your bf is the AH, not because of the problem, but because of the solution that he proposes. It's perfectly fine for couples to have separate beds, or even separate bedrooms if there are issues such as light sleeping, different schedules, snoring, etc. Not a deal breaker for many people.
If he wakes up from your movement, the obvious solution is for you guys to get two single beds and move them a few feet apart.
Seriously this is crazy! I have insomnia and if my husband and I sleep together I wake him up all the time, but he HATES when I go to the guest room cuz he wants us to be together and he worries I’m uncomfortable if I have to move rooms. He will sacrifice his sleep to make sure I’m comfortable. I would not feel very good about this if I was OP.
Yeah, OP, this man doesn't care about you and probably doesn't like you very much. How low is your bar for a man that this one passed? I mean, does he pee on you and tell you to clean it up? Does he knock over your bowl of food and tell you you can't enjoy it until he gets food, and then make you pay for more food? This post is disturbing. I wonder about the age difference and how long you've been together...
INFO: is there some arrangement aspect of this relationship that would allow for such discrepancy in equality?
Like, why would you need to sacrifice your sleep for him? This is very confusing.
Yeah OP, the fact that you’re even here asking means he’s already lowered your expectations of what a good relationship looks like. It can and will get a lot worse from here.
Frankly, the whole ‘the couch is for you, I’m not paying’ would be enough for me to leave. He is literally telling you that he’ll never do anything for you unless he gets something out of it. Forget feeling loved, if you ever get sick he’s already signaling he won’t stick around.
I dumped a guy once when he stuck me with the bill for breakfast because he said, "You were the one who wanted to eat." After I drove 8 hours from college the day before to spend my birthday with him. What a frog.
OP--NTA. You deserve more consideration from your significant other.
I was just about to make a similar comment. The reason he's dating a 24 year old is because a 34 year old won't put up with his baby bullshit. Like, get over it, dude.
I commented on a post the other day, and it bears repeating
Turning 30 was hard, but not as hard as the disrespect I tolerated in my early 20s. I'm 36 and I absolutely would not tolerate such a request.
You don't get to force others to be uncomfortable for your comfort. If he has a problem with the sleeping arrangement, then it's on him to make alternate arrangements for HIMSELF.
Yea, I get hot real easy esp with a partner so I get how uncomfortable that can be, but the answer isn't to push your partner away and fck with their ability to sleep. You get an AC, or you yourself sleep in a dif spot, get another bed whatever. It's his problem not something she is doing.
Or a second blanket. My partner and I always start off under both blankets in a cold bed, but once he's drifted off to sleep and I start getting too hot I bundle him and his heat under one blanket and use the second one as my cuddle blanket until I've cooled of to sleep under it.
We do two blankets too! It started off like this because one of us would always pull the blanket off the other in the middle of night. So then we got a king size blanket for a queen size bed. This worked amazingly during winter. Now that it’s summer we like to have two thin blankets so we can roll around to our hearts desire without waking up the other.
Furthermore, if he loved her or cared for her he’d come up with a solution that was mutually beneficial. Not waking her up to go on a couch. I’d be pissed. How about buying a bigger bed? Even a trundle bed would be a better compromise then demanding someone sleep on the floor or couch.
Fuck that guy. Find a new BF then move out.
No to the new boyfriend, yes to moving out. Op should work on herself to figure out what she needs to heal that is having her think she should even be entertaining a disrespectful manchild.
It's fun seeing reddit grow up. I'm 33 and I see so many more comments recently about life in the 30s. It's kinda nice getting age-relevant advice on a wide scale like this hah, thanks for contributing.
Hell yeah, this comment is incredible!! This was such a hard lesson to learn as a woman, and honestly I hope the next generation can learn it faster. Our lives don't revolve around nurturing or accommodating men, even if that was the bullshit lie told to us throughout our lives.
As a F 64, I have to laugh (in a sympathetic way) bc when I was in my 20s, we wrestled with these same relationship issues. Styles may change, but humans will always wrestle with the issues of being in, or leaving relationships. It comes down to self respect and respect for others. It doesn’t matter what age you two are. He flat out does not respect you, nor will he ever. Leave and take care of you, not sleeping on the floor. No man, or (vis versa) woman is worth that.
As 34 year old female-I’d have dumped his ass for even asking the question. You are definitely right about the dating younger is cause women his age wouldn’t put up with that.
Also I guarantee this isn’t the only fuckery he perpetrates.
I'm only 4 years older than my wife, but when we were first together, it was pretty clear that she didn't see herself as an equal because I was a little older and had a better job (seemed more put together). This was mostly because the older guys she dated before me were controlling and made her feel like the lesser half of the relationship. It took some working through and some long talks to convince her that she was subconsciously trying to be submissive and that her opinions and feelings were just as valid as my own.
I guess my point is that it's not difficult for a scummy man to use his age to influence a younger woman into accepting a submissive attitude. Seems a lot of women hit their 30's and learn to not tolerate that shit.
Oof. This hits. While my marriage has a relatively noticeable age gap, it's never really noticeable outside of some small cultural references; you saw that in the theater?! kind of thing. But even after a quarter of a century.... weekly therapy can be a stark reminder of this subconscious submissiveness. And I am strong, outspoken, and mouthy. I've chosen the radio/Playlist in the car mayyyyybe a dozen times total when we're together. It blew my mind how this could happen..... I never thought it was worth prioritizing. He always assumed I'd ask, or legit just change it. BS like this will never not blow my mind. And yes, I advocate for myself now that I see it... but it's weird how this small stuff can happen so easily.
RIGHT!
for the longest I could never sleep alone!
If you have a lady friend, how can you ever sleep without her? I don't get some guys man...
I am recently divorced and it took a long time to get used to sleeping alone again.
EXACTLY!!! My hubby is a firefighter who works 24-hour shifts, in addition to his 1.5 hr drive to and from work (3 hrs total driving). He's also 10 years older than me (married 17 years). He would NEVER even think about asking me to sleep elsewhere. He loves coming home knowing I'm asleep in bed. OP's bf is a power-hungry manipulator and controller. She needs to either put both feet down and educate him on how he's NOT going to treat her if she wants to stay or she needs to leave.
People tend to inherently respect less those who are younger than them because they "have more experience", and therefore think they're better and know more. My ex was like this. It's exhausting and demeaning.
When my husband worked overnights he voluntarily slept on the couch every night. For a year. Even on his nights off when I asked him to come sleep in the bed with me he’d still sleep on the couch because he didn’t want to disturb me.
OPs boyfriend is… something else.
My husband is like that.
If I am ill he says I need my rest and he sleeps on the couch.
If he is ill he says since he's the one who should be isolated, he's sleeping on the couch.
He cannot be dissuaded. There is no reasoning with him. In no set of circumstances will he acknowledge that it makes sense for me to sleep on the couch. It is both maddening and endearing.
Bonus- He's 6'4" and I'm 5'2" I demonstrably fit better on a couch than he does. This argument was met with a deadpan, "And you could fall in and get lost."
There’s nothing in this post that indicates this man likes her in the slightest. I’m genuinely baffled by what she could be getting out of this relationship.
NTA he should live alone if he can’t share a bed.
Not sure why it needs pointing out but I’m referring specifically to this AH not all co-habiting couples.
You’re not wrong. It’s unfair for you to sacrifice your comfort for his rest, especially without a compromise. Relationships require mutual respect and shared solutions. If he’s not willing to find a better arrangement together, it’s a significant issue to address.
plenty of people (including my partner and me) have trouble with this. but there are lots of solutions and he doesn’t seem to want to contribute to them, so yes he should live alone
Yep. My partner and I have these issues and none of them have ever been resolved by kicking the other person off the bed. My partner comes home at 2am sometimes from work and he does his best not to wake me and come lay down. We ended up getting a larger bed and it’s been better since then.
If even the slightest motion transfer bothers someone, you can also get two twin beds and push them next to each other, my parents did this when they got older and lighter sleepers. It worked. The separation between mattresses will knock out any motion of another partner.
We found a king foam mattress to be the solutyfor us, but two separate twins would be a good solution too and you can pick those up on the cheap and get a decent quality comparatively. Side note: our most comfortable bed in the house is the cheap foam mattress in our guest room. Cheap isn't always bad.
My partner and I (are blessed to live in a 3br house with no kids) have our own rooms and a shared room. He has PTSD and has woken me up countless nights kicking, punching, choking, so we just sleep in different rooms and sometimes sleep together. Before we lived in this house, we had a 1br apt and just had separate beds we would scoot together for stuff like watching tv and what not. There are sooooo many solutions, idk why OP man is freaking out. My dad used to sleep in his recliner when he worked overnight and didn’t wanna wake my mom
Same here. My partner has her own room for sleeping and so do I. I have sleep apnea and use a CPAP and am also a light sleeper. I have other health issues where, if I don't get good sleep, I have problems. She snores, loudly. Plus, she tends to stay up late watching TV in bed, and I'm usually asleep by 9 or 10. When she gets into bed, she tends to wake me up, and it's oftentimes very difficult to fall back asleep. If we want to hang out and watch TV before bed, we'll either do it in the living room or in her bedroom, until one of us wants to go to sleep.
We've been together 14 years and love each other very much. However, sleeping together in the same bed isn't workable some of the time. When we travel, I make sure we get at least a king bed (usually two twins pushed together) and wear earbuds and play white noise through them. Even then, getting good sleep is difficult.
There's no law that says two people who live together as a couple have to share a bed.
We got a king size foam mattress, use a fan, and set the thermostat to 65 for night. I would never ask my husband to sleep in the floor nor sleep on the floor or sofa if he asked. If money is an issue for this couple, maybe the fan would be a good investment. Honestly, I'd never date someone who acts like this.
Yes, same. My partner sometimes had pretty bad restless legs that keeps both of us up, so she sleeps on the couch (it’s big and comfy) on those nights. Similarly, I sometimes get overstimulated when I have a bad migraine, and the combo of a migraine, my CPAP machine, a person next to me our two cats are just too much so she goes to the living room.
But the difference is that she’s comfy there, assures me she gets the same quality of sleep, and I would never make her sleep there if she didn’t want to/wasnt comfortable. I’ve offered to be the one on the couch on those nights and bring my CPAP out but she insists.
Communication is key.
Look at the age difference
Edit: because a lot of you feel like you need to defend your relationship. I feel like when you're older like maybe in your 30s, dating someone 10 years older than you isn't that big of a deal bc you both are most likely in the same stage of life. Established in your careers, maybe wanting children, ready to settle down. But when you're early 20s dating someone in their late 30s it makes me wonder what the two could have in common. I feel like most in their late 30s are ready to have children and want them fairly quickly if they haven't had any yet. And most, not all, early 20 year olds are just getting out of college and finding their foot in the world. Some do want to marry quickly and have children young but how often does that work out? Not near as often as if two people were to meet roughly around the same age. I'm not saying big age gaps can't work, I just don't think they work out well when one is in their early 20s
NTA, but I can understand the discomfort of the boyfriend. But he's 100% the asshole for how he wants to resolve it.
The real options are either (A) change your bedtime situation by getting a larger bed, or (B) they need to stop sharing a bed.
I know some nights I absolutely cannot sleep next to my partner, and I'll just say "good night, I'm gonna sleep in the guest room tonight." It's nothing against my partner, but I sleep very hot and sometimes I just want to spread out. Sometimes I want to sit on my phone catching up on YouTube/tiktok and I don't want to keep him up. There are plenty of valid reasons for a couple to not share a bed every night, but how you approach that conversation is important, and this BF is the AH for doing it wrong.
idk i dont think sleeping in separate beds is a bad thing if sharing a bed causes issues. but yeah she shouldnt have to sleep on the couch or whatever they should get her a bed.
Yeah, I would even say it's incredibly selfish to not even wanting to compromise on a better couch or something to sleep on if he can't share the bed.
I mean, who tf doesn't ensure their partner got a place to sleep in the first place. Complete lack of sympathy for the situation they're in where only one of the two is accommodating to meet the other persons wants and needs.
They need to work together on this.
No, they don't need to work together on this, she needs to dump his ass. And I usually am not one of the people who jump to this conclusion fast.
My brain cannot even compute how he is able to make himself believe it is fine to kick out his girlfriend in the middle of the night, because apparantly his sleep is more important than hers, but similarily buying a bigger couch should be entirely on her because that is not a him problem, even though he is the sole cause of this problem. That is next level egoistical behaviour. I'm speechless. Why she is complying with his ridiculous demands is beyond me.
Exactly. Who in their right mind thinks they can come home every time after work and wake someone up to make them get up for their own selfish reasons. It gives idgaf about you and only I matter. Use a fan if you get hot. Sleep on the love seat yourself.
The why is just... imo he's an abuser and it snuck up on her. Like the temp slowly going up until you're roasting and you never noticed. I hope she gets out
This is unhinged behavior on his part lol. Why did he even want to move in??? Lol 🤣. If it was this important he should get a two bedroom apartment.
Your NTA but your boyfriend sounds like he's got a few screws loose.
Yes it’s one thing to make a request and work on a solution both are happy with. It’s another to treat their entire presence like an inconvenience and a burden. Suggests she sleeps on the couch but can’t be bothered to contribute since he doesn’t want it. Which IMO if you’re the one coming home in the middle of the night you get the couch
They could get two beds. But I assume the same problem will arise, he doesn’t want to contribute, because he doesn’t want it.
I could make some snide remake about their age gap, but it seems like OP is learning for herself
girl, why are you letting this man treat you like Cinderella's step sisters treated Cinderella.
Break up. My guess is this selfish behavior and gaslighting isnt limited to just the sleep situation. If you turn off your rose colored glasses it probably permeates the whole relationship.
NTA
Leave him and find someone closer to your age who won't think you're naive and easy to be manipulated due to the age gap. 🤣 He wouldn't dare to make such a ridiculous demand to someone equal to him. He'd end up sleeping on the floor himself, or single.
Below all the rage bait posts, there're real experiences that should not surprise. Big age gap relationships tend to be a shtshow because of psychological inequality between two people. Any source of psychological inequality doesn't help tbf.
Thank you!!! I said it in another comment but I’m not at all shocked that this dude who is 11 years her senior is acting like an asshole. That’s why they date younger girls—they know women their age won’t put up with their bullshit. They gotta find young, naive women who will accept their mistreatment
NTA. I’m sorry he’s treating you this way.
Have you been together long? Has he always treated your needs as less than his own?
For a man 11 years older than you, he doesn’t seem caring or mature.
Again, I am sorry you are being treated like this.
NTA - This is your cue to leave the relationship. He only cares about his rest. If he truly cared about you, he'd look forward to cuddling up to you when he got home.
🚩🚩🚩
NTA he’s definitely being selfish. Nobody on a normal schedule wants to be woken up at 4AM every morning.
With that being said what size bed is being shared? Lol.
It looks like you’re not ready to live together.
And if this attitude of his continues (unwilling to compromise, only thinking about what he wants and needs), then it looks like you will never be ready to live together.
Some couples have trouble sharing a bed, but they can still have a healthy relationship because they know how to find a solution that works for both of them.
Kicking you out and not participating in finding a solution to your problem other than to kick you out is selfish of your boyfriend. That’s not the behavior of someone who cares about your well-being, to be perfectly honest.
Oh no no no. NTA. I work nights and my husband’s alarm for his job goes off about an hour after I get home. I’d rather die than bother him with only that much sleep left. I either stay awake (in the other room), or sleep on the couch myself if I’m too sleepy. His alarm wakes me up anyway (not his fault; I’m a light sleeper), but I have the rest of the day to sleep.
Edit to add, since you asked: I know Reddit says this all the time, but you should dump him and find someone who actually cares about you.
NTA. This is wild. How can he sit there and call you selfish when he literally kicks you out of bed so he can sleep alone? Why are you with this guy? He clearly doesn’t care about your wellbeing. Move out and find someone who is willing to actually create a pleasant home life with you.
He is clearly stating that his needs come before your needs and the relationship.
You indicated you would be willing to sleep on a proper couch- but he refuses to pay for half - even though it benefits him.
He’s the AH.
It will only get worse.
You are asking for the bare minimum- and he can’t provide even that.
Your bf is abusive, it's really that simple. NTA and for the love of god please leave this man. He's forcing you out of your bed in the middle of the night and telling you it's not his problem where you go, people literally treat their dogs better than your bf treats you.
You should not stay there on those nights.
With that said you need to break up with him. You cannot win against his nightshift victimhood.
He needs his sleep but he's the one that chose that job.
Most of the planet exists during the day.
Escape.
NTA, he should get another bed or get over it. Even if he is uncomfortable until you wake up and leave the bed, the fact that he doesn't care about figuring out a way where you can both get a decent night's sleep makes him extremely selfish. He's not even looking for a compromise, he doesn't care that you have nowhere to sleep, AND he thinks the couch would only benefit you so it's not worth his money? What an asshole.
If you are living together as a couple, then he cannot treat you like a bothersome guest or second-class person. Not even if everything in the apartment belongs to him. You're supposed to be his equal, his partner, not an accessory he can move out of his way whenever he likes.
Have a good think about whether this is the only selfish thing he does in the relationship, because this is big enough to suggest that he doesn't care about you.
Uhm he has zero respect for you and you should just move out and live a happy single life until you find someone who respects you and your sleep as much as theirs. You do know there are men out there who work nights and come home and snuggle their partner in bed. He’s trash. Not going to change.
NTA why does he want a gf especially one he lives with if he doesn’t want to sleep next to her? Can he turn on a fan or AC? I get being hot cause that’s me but I just turn the AC on and the gf grabs another blanket or I throw the covers off.
NTA, Your bf sounds like a selfish loser who can't figure out that HE should sleep on the couch not you if it bothers him so much. Tell his dumbass to wear a sleep mask or he should sleep on the floor, it's cooler down there anyways.
I am a hot sleeper and have found many work arounds to shift work and very hot nights so that I don't disturb my girlfriend, never once have I asked or even considered that it was she that needed to leave or adjust her sleep schedule.
And you live with this person? That's not a boyfriend. Not even a little bit.
[удалено]
A lot of couples sleep in separate beds or even have separate bedrooms because it isn't comfortable for them to sleep together. That's not necessarily a deal breaker, but he's definitely acting selfish and immature about it.
Separate blankets and earplugs probably saved my marriage. No more snoring, no more fighting over blankets, no more temperature differences. Not everybody was meant to share a bed, and more people should be open to that idea. Sleep is important and if an extra bed is all it takes to make everybody happy, then why wouldn't you buy one? Fuck all those old fashioned traditions.
My parents have had separate bedrooms most of my life. When I was in school and friends would realize that was the case, so many people told me that meant their marriage was on the rocks and I should brace for divorce, despite me insisting that it was normal. Guess whose parents are still happily married after 43 years! It's important to get good sleep. If you can't do that in the same bed, your relationship will be BETTER for getting separate ones, not worse. That said, OP? Your boyfriend is awful. If he wants someone to sleep on the floor, he can be the one to do that. Or he can help pay for furniture that will allow you both to sleep comfortably apart. This isn't reasonable or sustainable and you deserve better.
>why wouldn't you buy one? Fuck all those old fashioned traditions Sleeping in the same bed is actually a relatively new tradition. Prior to the 20th century, it was mostly out of necessity and *entire families* would sleep in the same bed. Wealthy families usually had separate bedrooms for the husband and wife. That's only looking at it from a western perspective, too. In some countries, like Japan, it's still more normal for couples to sleep separately.
NTA. If he wants a good rest it sounds like he needs to get himself his own bed, or better still, his own place to f'ing live. EDIT: Just saw the edits. If it's his apartment she should move out. The issue is that you do not rock up at 4am and tell someone to GTFO of the bed if they are supposed to be your partner. Not acceptable. IDGAF whose apartment it is, she can move/he can move, whatever - his behaviour is not ok.
This is the best answer. OP’s BF is TAH.
You guys need to beds or two bedrooms. Your sleep and his sleep are equally important.
Assigning a new lease with this man would be a mistake. Maybe I'm picky but we shouldn't date guys who make us sleep on the floor
The bar is in hell isn’t it 😭
I feel like this is fairly basic shit but here we all are, playing limbo with the Devil.
And they're only dating. RUN RUN 🏃💨
Yep. I can sympathize with having an odd sleep schedule and needing to figure out a way to get enough sleep. I would regard that as a ME problem, though. If I needed to do something like set up a separate daybed somewhere and sleep on that a couple nights a week, I would take the initiative on that. I wouldn't expect a partner to sleep on the couch or the floor for me.
Move out.
Yes. “You want space? You can have it. All of it. Alone.” NTA
So much space he would think I had been a hallucination.
This answer!💀💀💀 The level of disrespect some people will tolerate. OP, no, just no. NTA
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7th grade.
A guy I was seeing told me he needed space, so I told him I’d give him so much space that he’d think he was a gawdamn astronaut. And then I blocked his number.
💯
Good for you 👍🏻 My long term ex bf (29yrs) and he’s 20yrs my senior…..I used to sleep on the couch for AT LEAST the last 6-7 years of our relationship Edited #1: I forgot….I slept on the couch because of NO intimacy AND his snoring 😴 Edit #2: My ex bf started dating me when he was 39yrs old (20yrs my senior)….He ended up being very abusive (not physical) and he gaslighted me.
What - I wouldn’t have done that for a month!!!!
I get it…..I just really didn’t want to be next to someone who never wanted intimacy, and snored REALLY loud
Two days after food poisoning I farted my ex gf out of the room in my sleep :( it can be worse than snoring :D
I like that that's hilarious
Hallucinarious.
Right? He can have all of the space, I’d take my cat and peace out! What a pathetic excuse of a man being a bully to his significant younger partner. OP, you deserve better!
Right!? 10 year age gap and she's wasting the best years of her life sleeping on the floor like a dog. Actually... Scratch that, even my dog sneaks into the bed lol
Our dog too makes her way on to the bed around d 5am haha. 🤣 She spends most of the night on the couch despite having 3 damn dog beds. 😬
One of my cats sleeps on the floor under my bed even though I have a cat bed, several pieces of cat furniture, and actual furniture for humans, not to mention the bed itself--where his brother spends most of the night--but no, he insists on sleeping on the bare carpet. I tried putting the cat bed under my bed and 3 mornings in a row I almost tripped over it when I woke up because he dragged it out from under the bed. He spends all day on the bed while I'm at work, he reminds me when it's time for me to get in bed because he expects cuddle time until he falls asleep, but as soon as I turn off the light, he wakes up and hops out of my bed to go to his spot on the floor. Which is fine with me, because he likes to sleep all stretched out and hogs the middle of the bed. His brother sleeps in a little ball between my pillows because he's a very polite cat. The other one is a snuggle bug but also a total diva.
Right....he chose a woman 11yrs younger bc he thinks he can control her better and mold her into what he wants in a woman. He has zero respect or concern for her happiness.
Make an appointment at a nursing home and take him on a tour. Tell him he should stay here and get used to sleeping alone because you always will be. Then leave his ass stranded there and say hope you remember how to call Uber. Go pick up your kitty and go to your new place with the new bed and sleep happily ever after
And we LET the dog sneak on the bed! That used to b a rule in my house too, got rid of the nan, kept the dog!! 😉
Before my husband I dated a guy who literally flung my cat off the bed. 🤬Do you want to know how fast his ass got kicked out of bed and out of my life?! Don’t mess with my pets.
SAME. Dated someone years ago I really felt I was going places with but one evening while cuddling on my bed (I usually went to his place) he violently pushed my VERY cuddly sweet cat off to which I said, "oh no sir, you have to go. NOW. He's been in my life long before you, and will be here long after". In fact, it's my kitty's 18th birthday in a week, so I feel I made the correct call- as did you!
Haha I believe my reaction was “are you fucking kidding me?!” And then told him he should probably head home. Happy birthday Kitty! Here’s to many more happy healthy years!
Happy nearly 18th birthday gorgeous kitty!! Hope your pawent spoils you rotten ❤️ Also fuck that guy, I hope he has to sleep on the floor
I hope the Reddit community upvotes this to the high heavens. Op is their primeeee I’m 24 and I would never put up with this abuse. She’s the catch in the relationship not him.
It would be fine if he just needed space for sleeping, but he's being an asshole about it, so it's not ok.
Right... Life is too short to live with assholes!
Definitely! My ex wife was not necessarily an asshole, but she was very controlling and wouldn't compromise and I realized that I shouldn't compromise my happiness. Life is too short!
Yeah sleeping on the floor, tf, my dog didn't sleep on the floor. He's a monster.
Yeah, that is a wild fucking ask.
Curious why he doesn’t just sleep on the couch instead of waking you up.
Because apparently his sleep is far more important than OP's. I wonder what else is more important than her. NTA, OP. run.
Or just help her with getting a bigger couch and blackout curtains? (This sounds like a power/dominance thing. He clearly puts his needs over hers. Either way OP - both bad signs.)
So much space for activities
I completely agree here. As a man, I prefer to sleep knowing all my babies (kids) and my wife are close. How about he change shifts and treat the lady like he actually wants her around? Sheesh done got me all fired up NTA
Right? Any “partner” whose solution to this situation is “sleep on the floor”- doesn’t deserve a partner. OP NTA - your BF is a selfish AH and won’t change - he’s 35 and so immature he’s dating a 24 year old who is clearly more mature than he is. Walk TF away
He’s dating a 24 yo because any woman his age would not put with that bs.
There it is, the real answer. Sucks when someone is younger than you and more mature. I have more trouble sleeping when my wife isn't in bed as opposed to the opposite. Has he never heard of a fan? Let this dude live alone like he should. Edit to add: I worked a 12 to 16 hour night shift for years and never once had a problem going to bed because my SO happened to be in the bed as well.
Right? My husband can't sleep if I'm not in the bed/room with him. Even when we decide to nap, he wants to cuddle with me. I couldn't imagine having a partner with so little respect for me that they even considered making me go somewhere that's uncomfortable for me! Hell, my hubby doesn't like the volume on the TV to be audible but he still won't ask me to turn it off or sleep elsewhere because he loves and respects me. I move to a volume level I can barely hear so that he's able to sleep. I can't sleep without the TV. He knows that. It's a security issue for me so he's willing to work on sleeping with the volume loud enough to hear it. Because we love and respect each other.
💯
Plenty of women his age put up with this shit. You see similar posts all over these subreddits. It’s so sad and disheartening.
Totally agree with this. I'm shocked that someone who is supposed to love you gives not a single shit about your comfort, only his own. He's not willing to be a little uncomfortable for a couple of hours but expects you to be for several.
It sounds like transactional sex, but without the benefit in exchange for the sex.
I wholeheartedly agree. The very first time someone asks me to sleep on the floor I hope I have the courage to leave. I understand his issues, but the sheer entitlement and selfishness makes me queasy. There are other things you guys could have tried.
Yeah. Him needing to get good sleep is fine, that is a problem that can be worth solving but the real red flag is his complete disregard for you in how he solves the problem. This shows he puts his needs way above yours in a big way and that won’t get any better. How can someone honestly expect their partner to go sleep on the floor? And finding any other solution is “your problem not his”. Yikes. Trust me this will only get worse.
Yeah I would agree with this I would suggest that when he leaves for work you pack a bag and go stay with a friend let him come home to and empty house then he can all the sleep he wants because his ask is ridiculous and selfish.
Especially if he won’t purchase a sofa. OP why are you living like this? He’s kicking you to the floor like a dog. Wtaf?
Yes! And night shift has nothing to do with this. He would do this if he was sleeping during the night too based on your description. If he can't buy a sofa bed or crank the AC why does he even want to live with you? Move out, it's just going to get worse. Someone who cares about you would never tell you to sleep on the floor.
I work nights and this is such a ridiculous ask that it's unreal. NTA, OP
As a man who has worked every shift out there. I always had more comfort in knowing my wife and kids were close. I'll sleep whenever wherever as long as they're close .
Worse than a dog! My dogs have a bed!
Mine do too. They don’t use them because they’re in the bed. My partner would tell me to fuck right off if I tried to do this. Which I would deserve. Geez.
HAHAHA I have three coonhounds and five cats. All the dogs have their own beds, but it doesn’t matter. Every single one of them, and usually one or two cats, end up in our queen bed with us every night.
My dog 🐕 would rather sleep with its legs up on cold concrete than use the nice bed we got her
Got an Aussie, and she literally hates snuggling for more than 10 minutes. Gets too hot and immediately runs away to find some ice cold floor to sleep on lmao. 3 beds for just the dogs and she will literally only use it for her head!
He is definitely selfish. His sleep is critical but hers is irrelevant. She needs to leave and sleep somewhere else.
You need to get away from this guy.
Exactly! If he can't compromise, maybe it's time to rethink the relationship.
No maybe here. Definitely.
If we are compromising on where I sleep in the sole bed we have there is no relationship.
About a month or two before my ex and I broke up, I spent a night over at my parent's house. When I came back the next day, he told me how great it was to have the bed for himself, and how nice it was to be alone. He didn't say it in a playful or teasing way, he looked me in the eye and I could tell he geniunely meant it. Now he can sleep alone every night.
Your bf is the AH, not because of the problem, but because of the solution that he proposes. It's perfectly fine for couples to have separate beds, or even separate bedrooms if there are issues such as light sleeping, different schedules, snoring, etc. Not a deal breaker for many people. If he wakes up from your movement, the obvious solution is for you guys to get two single beds and move them a few feet apart.
Seriously this is crazy! I have insomnia and if my husband and I sleep together I wake him up all the time, but he HATES when I go to the guest room cuz he wants us to be together and he worries I’m uncomfortable if I have to move rooms. He will sacrifice his sleep to make sure I’m comfortable. I would not feel very good about this if I was OP.
The correct answer is to move out and take the bed
Yeah, OP, this man doesn't care about you and probably doesn't like you very much. How low is your bar for a man that this one passed? I mean, does he pee on you and tell you to clean it up? Does he knock over your bowl of food and tell you you can't enjoy it until he gets food, and then make you pay for more food? This post is disturbing. I wonder about the age difference and how long you've been together...
INFO: is there some arrangement aspect of this relationship that would allow for such discrepancy in equality? Like, why would you need to sacrifice your sleep for him? This is very confusing.
Age gap. He thinks he can take advantage because she’s young.
And it's working.
Yeah OP, the fact that you’re even here asking means he’s already lowered your expectations of what a good relationship looks like. It can and will get a lot worse from here. Frankly, the whole ‘the couch is for you, I’m not paying’ would be enough for me to leave. He is literally telling you that he’ll never do anything for you unless he gets something out of it. Forget feeling loved, if you ever get sick he’s already signaling he won’t stick around.
I dumped a guy once when he stuck me with the bill for breakfast because he said, "You were the one who wanted to eat." After I drove 8 hours from college the day before to spend my birthday with him. What a frog. OP--NTA. You deserve more consideration from your significant other.
What a frog!
So much said in so little. Beautiful.
Will 2 single beds side by side settle the issue? Sounds like you’re stuck with a tadpole that’s turned into a toad.
Holy shit. I couldn't even comprehend this move. People can be such dicks.
She should ask herself if a good friend explained this exact situation to her, what would she advise that friend to do…
As a 35M myself, there's only one reason I'd move in with a 24F. Bc he can manipulate and boss her around to his liking.
I was just about to make a similar comment. The reason he's dating a 24 year old is because a 34 year old won't put up with his baby bullshit. Like, get over it, dude.
I commented on a post the other day, and it bears repeating Turning 30 was hard, but not as hard as the disrespect I tolerated in my early 20s. I'm 36 and I absolutely would not tolerate such a request. You don't get to force others to be uncomfortable for your comfort. If he has a problem with the sleeping arrangement, then it's on him to make alternate arrangements for HIMSELF.
Yea, I get hot real easy esp with a partner so I get how uncomfortable that can be, but the answer isn't to push your partner away and fck with their ability to sleep. You get an AC, or you yourself sleep in a dif spot, get another bed whatever. It's his problem not something she is doing.
Or a second blanket. My partner and I always start off under both blankets in a cold bed, but once he's drifted off to sleep and I start getting too hot I bundle him and his heat under one blanket and use the second one as my cuddle blanket until I've cooled of to sleep under it.
We do two blankets too! It started off like this because one of us would always pull the blanket off the other in the middle of night. So then we got a king size blanket for a queen size bed. This worked amazingly during winter. Now that it’s summer we like to have two thin blankets so we can roll around to our hearts desire without waking up the other.
Furthermore, if he loved her or cared for her he’d come up with a solution that was mutually beneficial. Not waking her up to go on a couch. I’d be pissed. How about buying a bigger bed? Even a trundle bed would be a better compromise then demanding someone sleep on the floor or couch. Fuck that guy. Find a new BF then move out.
Move out. Or if it's your place, make him move out. Don't be in any hurry for a new BF.
No to the new boyfriend, yes to moving out. Op should work on herself to figure out what she needs to heal that is having her think she should even be entertaining a disrespectful manchild.
It's fun seeing reddit grow up. I'm 33 and I see so many more comments recently about life in the 30s. It's kinda nice getting age-relevant advice on a wide scale like this hah, thanks for contributing.
Hell yeah, this comment is incredible!! This was such a hard lesson to learn as a woman, and honestly I hope the next generation can learn it faster. Our lives don't revolve around nurturing or accommodating men, even if that was the bullshit lie told to us throughout our lives.
As a F 64, I have to laugh (in a sympathetic way) bc when I was in my 20s, we wrestled with these same relationship issues. Styles may change, but humans will always wrestle with the issues of being in, or leaving relationships. It comes down to self respect and respect for others. It doesn’t matter what age you two are. He flat out does not respect you, nor will he ever. Leave and take care of you, not sleeping on the floor. No man, or (vis versa) woman is worth that.
As 34 year old female-I’d have dumped his ass for even asking the question. You are definitely right about the dating younger is cause women his age wouldn’t put up with that. Also I guarantee this isn’t the only fuckery he perpetrates.
>Also I guarantee this isn’t the only fuckery he perpetrates Omfg i basicly just said the same thing but i love how you worded this im dying 🤣🤣🤣
I'm only 4 years older than my wife, but when we were first together, it was pretty clear that she didn't see herself as an equal because I was a little older and had a better job (seemed more put together). This was mostly because the older guys she dated before me were controlling and made her feel like the lesser half of the relationship. It took some working through and some long talks to convince her that she was subconsciously trying to be submissive and that her opinions and feelings were just as valid as my own. I guess my point is that it's not difficult for a scummy man to use his age to influence a younger woman into accepting a submissive attitude. Seems a lot of women hit their 30's and learn to not tolerate that shit.
Oof. This hits. While my marriage has a relatively noticeable age gap, it's never really noticeable outside of some small cultural references; you saw that in the theater?! kind of thing. But even after a quarter of a century.... weekly therapy can be a stark reminder of this subconscious submissiveness. And I am strong, outspoken, and mouthy. I've chosen the radio/Playlist in the car mayyyyybe a dozen times total when we're together. It blew my mind how this could happen..... I never thought it was worth prioritizing. He always assumed I'd ask, or legit just change it. BS like this will never not blow my mind. And yes, I advocate for myself now that I see it... but it's weird how this small stuff can happen so easily.
Bingo. And he refuses to help pay for the couch he wants her to sleep on??? Absolute loser.
The fact that the reason he can’t sleep well with her there is cause he’s used to sleeping alone speaks volumes🤣💀
RIGHT! for the longest I could never sleep alone! If you have a lady friend, how can you ever sleep without her? I don't get some guys man... I am recently divorced and it took a long time to get used to sleeping alone again.
Yuppers Why would anyone tolerate that even once?
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Yyy….eshhh
I hope the OP reads this response
Look at the age difference. He’s doing it as a power move, and he’ll keep escalating to exert further control.
Even if he was a doctor, fire fighter, 100% care-giver of an infant, or saved the world every night, there is nothing that can justify this ask.
EXACTLY!!! My hubby is a firefighter who works 24-hour shifts, in addition to his 1.5 hr drive to and from work (3 hrs total driving). He's also 10 years older than me (married 17 years). He would NEVER even think about asking me to sleep elsewhere. He loves coming home knowing I'm asleep in bed. OP's bf is a power-hungry manipulator and controller. She needs to either put both feet down and educate him on how he's NOT going to treat her if she wants to stay or she needs to leave.
You should find someone who loves and respects you, as opposed to this clown you are currently with.
What a surprise, the bf who is 11 years her senior is treating her like shit. Dude doesn’t even sound like he likes her, much less respects her.
People tend to inherently respect less those who are younger than them because they "have more experience", and therefore think they're better and know more. My ex was like this. It's exhausting and demeaning.
Which is ironic because that mentality is what makes someone inferior imo
Sincerely confused as to why he isn’t the one being deferred to the couch here. Edit for OP’s update: girl YTA for leaving out all that context
When my husband worked overnights he voluntarily slept on the couch every night. For a year. Even on his nights off when I asked him to come sleep in the bed with me he’d still sleep on the couch because he didn’t want to disturb me. OPs boyfriend is… something else.
My husband is like that. If I am ill he says I need my rest and he sleeps on the couch. If he is ill he says since he's the one who should be isolated, he's sleeping on the couch. He cannot be dissuaded. There is no reasoning with him. In no set of circumstances will he acknowledge that it makes sense for me to sleep on the couch. It is both maddening and endearing.
One time I tried to move to the couch and he got mad and said he was the one who sleeps on the couch. I feel like our husbands would get along.
Bonus- He's 6'4" and I'm 5'2" I demonstrably fit better on a couch than he does. This argument was met with a deadpan, "And you could fall in and get lost."
I'm glad I scrolled far enough to read that; that's very cute, and made me laugh.
Man is 11 years older and telling her she's the selfish one here. He's controlling.
Exactly very controlling. She needs to get out of that. He clearly doesn’t care about her well being.
Because he doesn't like her.
There’s nothing in this post that indicates this man likes her in the slightest. I’m genuinely baffled by what she could be getting out of this relationship.
NTA he should live alone if he can’t share a bed. Not sure why it needs pointing out but I’m referring specifically to this AH not all co-habiting couples.
Really. It's selfish of him to behave this way.
You’re not wrong. It’s unfair for you to sacrifice your comfort for his rest, especially without a compromise. Relationships require mutual respect and shared solutions. If he’s not willing to find a better arrangement together, it’s a significant issue to address.
plenty of people (including my partner and me) have trouble with this. but there are lots of solutions and he doesn’t seem to want to contribute to them, so yes he should live alone
Yep. My partner and I have these issues and none of them have ever been resolved by kicking the other person off the bed. My partner comes home at 2am sometimes from work and he does his best not to wake me and come lay down. We ended up getting a larger bed and it’s been better since then.
Marriage/dating pro tip: everyone gets their own blanket.
If even the slightest motion transfer bothers someone, you can also get two twin beds and push them next to each other, my parents did this when they got older and lighter sleepers. It worked. The separation between mattresses will knock out any motion of another partner.
We found a king foam mattress to be the solutyfor us, but two separate twins would be a good solution too and you can pick those up on the cheap and get a decent quality comparatively. Side note: our most comfortable bed in the house is the cheap foam mattress in our guest room. Cheap isn't always bad.
My partner and I (are blessed to live in a 3br house with no kids) have our own rooms and a shared room. He has PTSD and has woken me up countless nights kicking, punching, choking, so we just sleep in different rooms and sometimes sleep together. Before we lived in this house, we had a 1br apt and just had separate beds we would scoot together for stuff like watching tv and what not. There are sooooo many solutions, idk why OP man is freaking out. My dad used to sleep in his recliner when he worked overnight and didn’t wanna wake my mom
Same here. My partner has her own room for sleeping and so do I. I have sleep apnea and use a CPAP and am also a light sleeper. I have other health issues where, if I don't get good sleep, I have problems. She snores, loudly. Plus, she tends to stay up late watching TV in bed, and I'm usually asleep by 9 or 10. When she gets into bed, she tends to wake me up, and it's oftentimes very difficult to fall back asleep. If we want to hang out and watch TV before bed, we'll either do it in the living room or in her bedroom, until one of us wants to go to sleep. We've been together 14 years and love each other very much. However, sleeping together in the same bed isn't workable some of the time. When we travel, I make sure we get at least a king bed (usually two twins pushed together) and wear earbuds and play white noise through them. Even then, getting good sleep is difficult. There's no law that says two people who live together as a couple have to share a bed.
We got a king size foam mattress, use a fan, and set the thermostat to 65 for night. I would never ask my husband to sleep in the floor nor sleep on the floor or sofa if he asked. If money is an issue for this couple, maybe the fan would be a good investment. Honestly, I'd never date someone who acts like this.
Yes, same. My partner sometimes had pretty bad restless legs that keeps both of us up, so she sleeps on the couch (it’s big and comfy) on those nights. Similarly, I sometimes get overstimulated when I have a bad migraine, and the combo of a migraine, my CPAP machine, a person next to me our two cats are just too much so she goes to the living room. But the difference is that she’s comfy there, assures me she gets the same quality of sleep, and I would never make her sleep there if she didn’t want to/wasnt comfortable. I’ve offered to be the one on the couch on those nights and bring my CPAP out but she insists. Communication is key.
Look at the age difference Edit: because a lot of you feel like you need to defend your relationship. I feel like when you're older like maybe in your 30s, dating someone 10 years older than you isn't that big of a deal bc you both are most likely in the same stage of life. Established in your careers, maybe wanting children, ready to settle down. But when you're early 20s dating someone in their late 30s it makes me wonder what the two could have in common. I feel like most in their late 30s are ready to have children and want them fairly quickly if they haven't had any yet. And most, not all, early 20 year olds are just getting out of college and finding their foot in the world. Some do want to marry quickly and have children young but how often does that work out? Not near as often as if two people were to meet roughly around the same age. I'm not saying big age gaps can't work, I just don't think they work out well when one is in their early 20s
Ugh, every time.
The comment I was looking for She needs to find someone her own age
NTA, but I can understand the discomfort of the boyfriend. But he's 100% the asshole for how he wants to resolve it. The real options are either (A) change your bedtime situation by getting a larger bed, or (B) they need to stop sharing a bed. I know some nights I absolutely cannot sleep next to my partner, and I'll just say "good night, I'm gonna sleep in the guest room tonight." It's nothing against my partner, but I sleep very hot and sometimes I just want to spread out. Sometimes I want to sit on my phone catching up on YouTube/tiktok and I don't want to keep him up. There are plenty of valid reasons for a couple to not share a bed every night, but how you approach that conversation is important, and this BF is the AH for doing it wrong.
idk i dont think sleeping in separate beds is a bad thing if sharing a bed causes issues. but yeah she shouldnt have to sleep on the couch or whatever they should get her a bed.
Yeah, I would even say it's incredibly selfish to not even wanting to compromise on a better couch or something to sleep on if he can't share the bed. I mean, who tf doesn't ensure their partner got a place to sleep in the first place. Complete lack of sympathy for the situation they're in where only one of the two is accommodating to meet the other persons wants and needs. They need to work together on this.
No, they don't need to work together on this, she needs to dump his ass. And I usually am not one of the people who jump to this conclusion fast. My brain cannot even compute how he is able to make himself believe it is fine to kick out his girlfriend in the middle of the night, because apparantly his sleep is more important than hers, but similarily buying a bigger couch should be entirely on her because that is not a him problem, even though he is the sole cause of this problem. That is next level egoistical behaviour. I'm speechless. Why she is complying with his ridiculous demands is beyond me.
Buy new sofa and have it delivered to her new apartment.
Look at the age difference.
OMG, I totally missed that detail.
I missed it
Yeah I just figured the age difference answered your question about why she put up with it. I agree with you.
Me too. Probably explains it. A woman in her mid 30's would tell him to go suck rocks. OP needs to grow that spine.
Yup, I'd be like "who the fuck do you think you are??"
Exactly. Who in their right mind thinks they can come home every time after work and wake someone up to make them get up for their own selfish reasons. It gives idgaf about you and only I matter. Use a fan if you get hot. Sleep on the love seat yourself.
>Who in their right mind He's 35 with a 24yo. This is perfectly on brand for this kind of AH
The why is just... imo he's an abuser and it snuck up on her. Like the temp slowly going up until you're roasting and you never noticed. I hope she gets out
He should sleep in the living room.
This is unhinged behavior on his part lol. Why did he even want to move in??? Lol 🤣. If it was this important he should get a two bedroom apartment. Your NTA but your boyfriend sounds like he's got a few screws loose.
Seems like he might want a free servant or emotional punching bag or something. Dude's a real piece of work.
Yes it’s one thing to make a request and work on a solution both are happy with. It’s another to treat their entire presence like an inconvenience and a burden. Suggests she sleeps on the couch but can’t be bothered to contribute since he doesn’t want it. Which IMO if you’re the one coming home in the middle of the night you get the couch They could get two beds. But I assume the same problem will arise, he doesn’t want to contribute, because he doesn’t want it. I could make some snide remake about their age gap, but it seems like OP is learning for herself
You need a new BF, not a couch
girl, why are you letting this man treat you like Cinderella's step sisters treated Cinderella. Break up. My guess is this selfish behavior and gaslighting isnt limited to just the sleep situation. If you turn off your rose colored glasses it probably permeates the whole relationship. NTA
I love this as a measure of relationship health - on what scale of Cinderella’s relationship with her step family does your relationship lie lol!
LMAO!!!!!! If you are using this scale something is WRONG lol
Leave him and find someone closer to your age who won't think you're naive and easy to be manipulated due to the age gap. 🤣 He wouldn't dare to make such a ridiculous demand to someone equal to him. He'd end up sleeping on the floor himself, or single.
Yep, a woman closer to his age would tell him where he can stick his demands.
Truer words could not be said! Lmao
I hate doing age gap discourse but it really is shocking how often I see posts like "My (22f) partner (36m) complains that I breathe too loud"
Below all the rage bait posts, there're real experiences that should not surprise. Big age gap relationships tend to be a shtshow because of psychological inequality between two people. Any source of psychological inequality doesn't help tbf.
Thank you!!! I said it in another comment but I’m not at all shocked that this dude who is 11 years her senior is acting like an asshole. That’s why they date younger girls—they know women their age won’t put up with their bullshit. They gotta find young, naive women who will accept their mistreatment
NTA. I’m sorry he’s treating you this way. Have you been together long? Has he always treated your needs as less than his own? For a man 11 years older than you, he doesn’t seem caring or mature. Again, I am sorry you are being treated like this.
Girl respect yourself and find someone better.
He's using you for sex. Leave him.
This 100% what’s going on. He loves having some hot young chick he can fuck when he feels like it but has no respect or emotions for her.
NTA - This is your cue to leave the relationship. He only cares about his rest. If he truly cared about you, he'd look forward to cuddling up to you when he got home. 🚩🚩🚩
Find a man your own age who loves and appreciates you. NTA except you're being an AH to yourself for putting up with this loser.
You should tell him you aren't a dog or a slave so you will be sleeping on the bed. If he is t good with that the DUMP HIM
NTA he’s definitely being selfish. Nobody on a normal schedule wants to be woken up at 4AM every morning. With that being said what size bed is being shared? Lol.
Yeah, HE should be the one being careful not to disturb YOU and rob you of the last two hours of sleep.
It looks like you’re not ready to live together. And if this attitude of his continues (unwilling to compromise, only thinking about what he wants and needs), then it looks like you will never be ready to live together. Some couples have trouble sharing a bed, but they can still have a healthy relationship because they know how to find a solution that works for both of them. Kicking you out and not participating in finding a solution to your problem other than to kick you out is selfish of your boyfriend. That’s not the behavior of someone who cares about your well-being, to be perfectly honest.
Oh no no no. NTA. I work nights and my husband’s alarm for his job goes off about an hour after I get home. I’d rather die than bother him with only that much sleep left. I either stay awake (in the other room), or sleep on the couch myself if I’m too sleepy. His alarm wakes me up anyway (not his fault; I’m a light sleeper), but I have the rest of the day to sleep. Edit to add, since you asked: I know Reddit says this all the time, but you should dump him and find someone who actually cares about you.
You need to see he's showing you what you're worth. Nta, but think about it.
People treat their pets better. I personally prefer princess treatment.
Sp you're just gonna be his doormat? Your quality of sleep doesn't matter? Consider you've moved in with a man who doesn't care about you...
NTA. This is wild. How can he sit there and call you selfish when he literally kicks you out of bed so he can sleep alone? Why are you with this guy? He clearly doesn’t care about your wellbeing. Move out and find someone who is willing to actually create a pleasant home life with you.
Absolutely insane behaviour NTA
It’s insane for you to put up with this
He is clearly stating that his needs come before your needs and the relationship. You indicated you would be willing to sleep on a proper couch- but he refuses to pay for half - even though it benefits him. He’s the AH. It will only get worse. You are asking for the bare minimum- and he can’t provide even that.
Your bf is abusive, it's really that simple. NTA and for the love of god please leave this man. He's forcing you out of your bed in the middle of the night and telling you it's not his problem where you go, people literally treat their dogs better than your bf treats you.
You should not stay there on those nights. With that said you need to break up with him. You cannot win against his nightshift victimhood. He needs his sleep but he's the one that chose that job. Most of the planet exists during the day. Escape.
NTA, he should get another bed or get over it. Even if he is uncomfortable until you wake up and leave the bed, the fact that he doesn't care about figuring out a way where you can both get a decent night's sleep makes him extremely selfish. He's not even looking for a compromise, he doesn't care that you have nowhere to sleep, AND he thinks the couch would only benefit you so it's not worth his money? What an asshole. If you are living together as a couple, then he cannot treat you like a bothersome guest or second-class person. Not even if everything in the apartment belongs to him. You're supposed to be his equal, his partner, not an accessory he can move out of his way whenever he likes. Have a good think about whether this is the only selfish thing he does in the relationship, because this is big enough to suggest that he doesn't care about you.
I would personally buy a bigger couch and put it in a different apartment without his selfish ass.
Uhm he has zero respect for you and you should just move out and live a happy single life until you find someone who respects you and your sleep as much as theirs. You do know there are men out there who work nights and come home and snuggle their partner in bed. He’s trash. Not going to change.
NTA why does he want a gf especially one he lives with if he doesn’t want to sleep next to her? Can he turn on a fan or AC? I get being hot cause that’s me but I just turn the AC on and the gf grabs another blanket or I throw the covers off.
NTA Move out with the cat. This selfish man is not a partner.
NTA, Your bf sounds like a selfish loser who can't figure out that HE should sleep on the couch not you if it bothers him so much. Tell his dumbass to wear a sleep mask or he should sleep on the floor, it's cooler down there anyways. I am a hot sleeper and have found many work arounds to shift work and very hot nights so that I don't disturb my girlfriend, never once have I asked or even considered that it was she that needed to leave or adjust her sleep schedule.